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[after the Byrnes' cat flushes the Fockers' dog down the toilet
] Roz Focker
: Your cat can flush?
: I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child. Greg Focker
: It was Barry Poppins. Jack Byrnes
: What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson? Roz Focker
: Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain. Jack Byrnes
: It was your idea? Roz Focker
: Yes. Jack Byrnes
: What is wrong with you people? Bernie Focker
: You people? Dina Byrnes
: I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums. Jack Byrnes
: Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions? Greg Focker
: Jack. he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay? Jack Byrnes
: He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment. Roz Focker
: The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here. Greg Focker
: Mom. Jack Byrnes
: What are you saying? Roz Focker
: I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack, prodigies don't eat there own boogers. Jack Byrnes
: And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either. Pam Byrnes
: Okay, Dad. That's my fiance. Jack Byrnes
: I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do. Roz Focker
: Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug. Jack Byrnes
: The Little Jack in me?
[Greg is getting extremely frusrated
] Roz Focker
: Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no. Jack Byrnes
: Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology. Greg Focker
: [everyone starts arguing
] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP, okay?
[everyone is quiet
] Greg Focker
: Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.
[the Fockers' outgoing message
] Bernie Focker
: Hello, you've reached the Fockers. We're not around, so leave us a message. Goodbye. Roz, how the hell do you shut this thing off? Roz Focker
: I have no idea. Just press a button. Bernie Focker
: All right, I'm pretty sure it's off. Honey, you want a chimichanga? Roz Focker
: I thought they give you gas. Bernie Focker
: A little bit, but it's worth it. Roz Focker
: Yeah, worth it for you, but I'm the one that gets the fumes. Bernie Focker
: Honey, I'm in the mood for a chimichanga! Roz Focker
: So make a chimichang...
: Hey, Dad, you shouldn't take Moses into the RV. Jack and Dina have a cat. Bernie Focker
: Oh, Moses is fine. He's perfectly trained. Greg Focker
: Dad, he humps everything that moves. Roz Focker
] He's like your father! Bernie Focker
: I never cheated on you!
: I'm wondering why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest!
: You fockerized them! Roz Focker
: Yeah! Bernie Focker
: I'm gonna fockerize you!
: Yeah, and now it's up to 50 Fockers. Jack Byrnes
: 50 Fockers. What could be better?
: Well you know, honey, many unplanned pregnancies happen because the man is such a sexual dynamo, and the woman craves his sperm on an unconscious but very powerful level. Greg Focker
: Mm-hmm. Mom, I'm truely not comfortable having this conversation with you.
: Tell me, what's going on with that man of yours? Dina Byrnes
: Well, Jack's always been a little wound up. His job is very stressful. Roz Focker
: Being a florist is stressful? Dina Byrnes
: There's more to it than people think.
: How's your sex life? Dina Byrnes
: I can't tell you that! Roz Focker
: I'm a professional. Dina, I'm a sex therapist specializing in senior sexuality. Dina Byrnes
: I knew those weren't yoga mats! Roz Focker
: No. Dina Byrnes
: Well, we're not twenty five... anymore. Roz Focker
: But you're not dead either! Lots of couples our age lack intimacy... Dina Byrnes
: I didn't say we weren't intimate, there are special occasions. Anniversaries and... well, on our anniversary. Roz Focker
: Oy, neesh geete! Dina Byrnes
: What? Roz Focker
: Not good!
: Bingo, Bango, Bongo! Roz Focker
: The man is loose, he's limber, and he's ready for action.
: You're avoiding confusion by strapping a boob on a man?
: Nah, I'm bored. Come on, Dina. You want a Spritzer? Dina Byrnes
: What? Oh, a Spritzer. Sounds yummy.
: How are things with you and Pam? Greg Focker
: They're great. Roz Focker
: They're great? Because after two years you have to work to keep things going. Does she still climax regularly? Greg Focker
: Mom, you can't talk that way this weekend, okay? Roz Focker
: Honey, I'm just saying I didn't raise you to be a so-so lover.
: I think that baby might need a couple pulls on that knocker of your's, Jack.
: [giving Jack a Hawaiian massage
] You are a caged lion! But lions can't be captive their entire lives. They have to be free to roam the bush. Free and wild! Your wife is a hot sexy tigress and she's waiting for you to pounce on her! Let me hear you roar, baby, roar! Your body is talking to me. It's hungry for action! I can feel it. Unleash the beast inside you, Jack!
: [about Greg's circumcision ceremony
] See that's Greg getting circumcised. Bernie Focker
: We had the ceremony at my parents' house. There was a cold snap and the heat conked out. Tell it. Roz Focker
: The heater conked out. No matter how hard he tried, the mohel couldn't coax Greggie's tiny little turtle from it's shell. Greg Focker
: You know what, let's not talk about the tiny turtle.
: [On the phone long distance, miffed that he's in Spain learning to be a flamenco dancer
] You picked a hell of a time to go through manopause! Bernie Focker
: Roz, I'm not going through manopause. I'm just trying to find my 'true north.' Roz Focker
: True north? What are you... a compass or something? Bernie Focker
: No, but let's face it - I'm a stay-at-home dad whose kid hasn't lived at home in 25 years. Roz Focker
: There's an Arthur Murray studio right here in Miami Beach. Why schep all the way to Spain? Bernie Focker
: Why can't you support my dreams the way I've always supported yours? When you wanted to try new sex positions for your research, I was your guinea pig! Roz Focker
: You volunteered! Bernie Focker
: I pulled my hamstring doing a reverse cowgirl! Roz Focker
: That's because you did it backwards. Bernie Focker
: I never went soft on you. Roz Focker
: Bernie, do you hear how you're upsetting your son? Bernie Focker
: Let me talk. Listen, will you?
: As an early Hannukah present, I'm going to send you and Pam a box of these musical condoms. Greg Focker
: Don't do that.