Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams
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Quotes for
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams (Character)
from The Evil Dead (1981)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Evil Dead: A Fistful of Boomstick (2003) (VG)
Ash: Thank you for shopping at Ass Woopings Are Us.

Ash: When you've just emptied two barrels of a shotgun into the head of your favorite bartender it's a pretty good bet that happy hour's over.

Ash: Groovy!

Ash: There I was. Face-to-face with the mother of all ugly. So I say "Come get some", and BLAM, no more Mr. Nasty Face.

Ash: Come get some.

Deadite Chinese Samari: [in Chinese] I'll swallow your souls!
Ash: [after killing two other deadites]
[in Chinese]
Ash: Come get some!

Ash: Hey, nice face. Let me fix it for you.

Ash: Hey, nice face! Let me fix it for you!

Ash: Sorry about your face, let me get you a tissue... and a mop!

Ash: My trusty boomstick was almost empty.

Ash: Ah, lovely! The gates are locked!

Ash: Your pain, my gain.

Ash: Whoa! Where you born that ugly?

Ash: You're stinkin' up my town!

Ash: Look what I got!

Ash: Say, if I may say so, you look pretty sexy behind bars...
Trisha Pettywood: Not now Ash. We got locked when the security system kicked in. You have got to let us outta here!
Ash: Hey, don't get your panties in a twist, I'll get you out... you are wearing panties aren't ya?
Trisha Pettywood: Ash! This is no time for this...!

Ash: Come on, what's a little death?

Ash: Oh great! An optimist with a gun!

Ash: Boomstick: $199.99, Shells: 39.99, Zombies heads blowing off: priceless.

Ash: You might say that that was over kill... I say it was just enough kill.

Ash: Bet you're a believer in gun control now!

Ash: One day I'll leave my life of violence behind me. Until then, I'll enjoy my work.

Ash: You future folk think kinda slow, dontcha?

Ash: Does your mother kiss that face?

Ash: Hey - nice complexion - for a freak!

Ash: Umm, isn't there a job to do?

Ash: I gotta tell ya, I'm am artist!

Ash: Hey, since we're not doing anything, mind if I take a nap?

Ash: Boomsticks away!

Ash: Boom, baby, boom!

Ash: How'd ya like the taste of that?

Ash: And the standard vortex-closing procedure would be...?

Ash: [after a policeman kills a teenage Deadite] Kids these days, huh?
Policeman: What are those things? It's like all hell's broke loose!
Ash: Gee, ya think?

Ash: Sorry pal, but it sounds like your co-workers are playing footsie with the forces of hell right now.

Policeman: No badge, no go, clear?
Ash: Crystal. I'll be right back...

Ash: That all ya got?

Ash: Hey Captain, I've got my ID, you mind lettin' me through now?
Policeman: Get yourself a decent weapon, or else kiss your ass goodbye!

Ash: Pardon my French, Padre, but what the hell is that out there?

Trisha Pettywood: Oh Ash, say something heroic.
Ash: You know, would it kill you to say please once in a while?

Ash: Nothing a little nip and tuck can't take care of, right?

Ash: Amen to that, brother!

Ash: What, you don't think I'm smart enough to read a few crummy notes?

Ash: Trust me Padre, living or dead, I can be real persuasive.

Ash: You eggheads never do anything the easy way, do you?

Ash: [after a Zombie grabs Ash] I can understand the attraction, but I hate the clingy ones.

Ash: Aah, don't get all mushy on me!

Ash: I call it tough love. Ah, why pretend? I call it hate!

Ash: Stolen silver, Greaseball - hand it over!

Ash: Hey officer, you see a hot little redhead and a creepy bookworm pass this way?

Ash: What the hell...?

Trisha Pettywood: Hello Ash.
Ash: Trisha?
Trisha Pettywood: You always liked me, didn't you Ash?
Ash: Trisha, what the hell are you doing woman? Don't you realise this is the Queen's Lair...
Trisha Pettywood: I hope you like the new me, just as much.
Ash: Ah, hell.
[Trisha appears, revealing herself to be the Deadite Queen]

Ash: What do we have here, another poster boy for birth control

Ash: [Trisha and Eldridge are surrounded by Deadites] I better get in there fast or they'll be resting in pieces!

Ash: Well so much for the football scolarship!

Ash: Let's put a little more iron in your diet.

Ash: Hey ugly, I got something that'll clear that right up.

Ash: Step right up! Two cans of Whoopass for the price of one!

Ash: Say Aaahhhhhh!

Ash: Huh... Now who I should I kill next? Decisions, decisions... ummm - you!

Policeman: Freeze! Don't come any closer!
Ash: Or what? You'll shout freeze again?

Ash: [about the door] I think it's stuck!
Trisha Pettywood: You don't say! What now?
Ash: Maybe I could blow it open with dynamite?
Trisha Pettywood: Are you insane! Blow the power to the security system!
Ash: Now why didn't I think of that?
Trisha Pettywood: Hmmm. You really want to know?

Ash: I may not be a smart man... but I know what killing is.

Ash: Hey buddy, what's on your mind? Oops, sorry - I forgot you need a head for that!

Policeman: Sorry buddy, I thought you were one of those creatures!
Ash: [sarcastically] Oh, it's an easy mistake, sure, I look just like them...

Ash: Hey. I think I found a cure for ugly.

Bartender: I'm real sorry about Jenny. It'd be ten years now, right?
[We suddenly see a newspaper headline reading, "Woman Dies in Bus Accident"]
Ash: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, thanks for bringing that up, chief. You're a real pal for pouring some margarita salt on the wound there. Maybe you'd like to poke me in the eye with an umbrella straw while you're at it?

Ash: To make a long story short, I was sent to Hell and back again. Then again. And again...

Ash: I'm the disease and you're the cure. (Realizing what he said) I...

Ash: You're probably wondering what a handsome devil like me is doing in a place like this with you, right?

Ash: Ever read A Farewell to Arms? Well I wrote it.

Trisha Pettywood: Oh, Ash. How can I ever thank you?
Ash: Well. Have you ever seen a little movie called "Deep Throat"?
Trisha Pettywood: Ash, really.
Ash: What can I say? I'm a man. It gets lonely being humanity's savoir again and again.

[Nathaniel Payne explodes, leaving slimy entrails everywhere]
Ash: Gesundheit

Ash: Some people are born to use a chainsaw. Me. Well I got one attached to me.

Ash: I think it's so cool when the parts go flying everywhere!

Ash: We've secretly replaced this Deadite's brain with a chainsaw blade. But be quiet. Let's see if he notices.

Zombie Bartender: I'll swallow your soul!
Ash: Make mine a double.
[Shoots bartender in face]

Ash: There goes your bodily fluids!

Ash: Kiss my boomstick!

Ash: I'd like to buy a vowel. IIIIIIII-AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

[after killing a deadite]
Ash: Now where did I put my ammo? Oh yeah! Inside yer skull!

Ash: [to Professor Eldredge] You're mouth is like my ass - nothing good ever comes out of it.

Ash: [to deadite] Hey, can I borrow your face? My ass is on vacation.

Ash: Some people are born to use a chainsaw, others have chainsaws thrust upon them.

Trisha Pettywood: Are you crazy?
Ash: Crazy is as crazy does, Baby. Now give me some sugar.

Ash: [to deadite] That can't be your face... did your neck throw up?

Ash: Tool time.

Ash: Let's dance... I'll lead.

Ash: Let's tango.

Ash: It's just you, me, and the boomstick.

Ash: Pull my finger. Not interested? Maybe if I help you find your arms first.

Ash: One look at you and I know why some animals eat their young.

Ash: Another poster child for birth control.

Ash: [after killing a deadite] Rest in pieces, dirt bag.

Ash: Butt and Ugly decided to have a kid and guess what. You're the result.

Ash: [after killing a Deadite with his shotgun] I bet you're a believer in gun control now, aren't you?

Ash: [to a Deadite he just killed] Have fun cleaning toilets in Hell, loser.

Ash: Say, you know what time it is? Oh, what do you care, you're dead!

Ash: Sorry I missed that. You said something about eating my soul?

Ash: Doesn't it suck to suck lead?

Ash: Can't you see I just want to be left alone? No? Well maybe if I shoved your eyeballs back in first

Ash: So, tell me about yourself. Is there a Mrs Ugly to keep you cold at night?

Ash: Tell me about your love life. It must be a little difficult to get a girlfriend without a jaw.

Ash: Hey, wouldn't you just like to sit down and discuss our differences? No? Me neither

Ash: Uh... Hello? Anyone home?... I'm looking for a Nathaniel Payne... Nathaniel Payne? It's about the Kandarian summoning stone. You see, i need to borrow it for a while. Look, i'll bring it right back, ok?
Nathaniel Payne: Who dares disturb my rest?
Ash: Whoa... uh, hey if this is a bad time i can come back
Nathaniel Payne: No, this is the perfect time... for you to die!
Ash: Ah, crap

Ash: Boomstick, a hundred ninety-nine dollars. Shells, thirty-six. Splattered Deadite, priceless.


Army of Darkness (1992)
Ash: It's a trick. Get an axe.

Ash: Yeah!
[after shooting King Arthur's sword in half]
Ash: Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This... is my BOOMSTICK! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?

[first lines]
[opening monologue]
Ash: My name is Ash and I am a slave. Close as I can figure, the year is thirteen hundred A.D and I'm being dragged to my death. It wasn't always like this, I had a real life, once. A job.
Ash: [now Ash is in a flashback] Umm... Hardware aisle twelve, shop smart, shop S-Mart!
Ash: [back to monologue] I had a wonderful girlfriend Linda. Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains. It seems an archeologist had come to this remote place to translate and study his latest find: Necronomiconexmortis. The Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Samarian text contained bizarre burial rights, funeral incantations, and demon resurrection passages, it was never meant for the world of the living. The book awoke something dark in the woods, something evil.
[something crashes through the window of the cabin and Linda screams]
Ash: It took Linda. Then it came after me, it got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist.
[Ash is seen cutting off his hand]
Ash: But that didn't stop it, it came back big time.
Ash: [Ash gets pulled into the vortex holding onto the doorway] For God's sake how do you stop it?
[Ash falls into the vortex and the opening credits start]

Duke Henry: You Sir, are not one of my vassals... who are you?
Ash: Who wants to know?
Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Ash: Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things, right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town.

[Sheila wants to apologize to Ash]
Ash: First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.

Sheila: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
Ash: Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all.

Ash: [to the Witch] Yo, she-bitch! Let's go!

[Upon getting the powered glove in place of his right hand]
Ash: Groovy.

Ash: Don't touch that please, your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and compositions and things with... molecular structures.

[In a passionate moment of romance]
Ash: Gimme some sugar, baby.

Ash: Klaatu Barada Nikto.
Wiseman: Well, repeat them.
Ash: Klaatu Barada Nikto.
Wiseman: Again.
Ash: I got it, I got it! I know your damn words, alright?

Ash: Klaatu Barada N... Necktie... Neckturn... Nickel... It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word! Klaatu... Barada... N...
[coughs]
Ash: [pause] Okay then... that's it!

Arthur: Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?
Ash: Nope. Just me baby... Just me.

[as undead Ash stands triumphant on catapult]
Ash: Buckle up Bonehead. 'Cause you're goin' for a ride!

Old Woman: I'll swallow your soul!
Ash: Come get some.

Ash: Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.
Possessed woman: Who the hell are you?
Ash: Name's Ash.
[cocks rifle]
Ash: Housewares.

[last lines]
Ash: [voiceover] Sure, I could have stayed in the past. I could have even been king. But in my own way, I *am* king.
[Ash grabs girl close]
Ash: Hail to the king, baby.
[Ash kisses the girl]

Sheila: You found me beautiful once...
Ash: Honey, you got reeeal ugly!

Ash: Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.

[from Director's Cut]
Ash: What are you? Are you me?
Evil Ash: Whad are do? Are do be? HAHAHAHAHAH! You sound like a jerk!
Ash: Why ya doin' this, huh?
Evil Ash: Oh, you wanna know? 'Cause the answer's easy! I'm BAD Ash... and you're GOOD Ash! You're a goody little two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes!
[begins to sucker-punch Ash]
Evil Ash: Goody little TWO-SHOES! Goody little TWO-SHOES! HEHEHEHEHE!
[honk honk honk]
Evil Ash: GOODY LITTLE TWO-SHOES! GOODY LITTLE...
Ash: [cocks shotgun and points it under Evil Ash's nose]
[nods head and shoots him]
Ash: Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.

[as an evil Ash begins growing out of his shoulder]
Ash: Oh, dear God, it's growing bigger!

[when Sheila walks into the blacksmith's shop to talk to Ash]
Ash: What? Were you raised in a barn? Shut the door! Probably was raised in a barn, along with the other primitives.

Evil Ash: I got a bone to pick with you.

Evil Ash: You're pissing me off, you ugly son of a bitch!

Evil Ash: [Admiring Sheila] Well aren't you the sweetest little thing?

Sheila: [Being handled by Evil Ash] Don't touch me! You foul thing!
Evil Ash: You're gonna learn to love me, missy.
Sheila: The Promised one will come for you.
Evil Ash: Darlin' I'm gonna save him the trouble.

Ash: Keep your damn filthy bones outta my mouth.

Ash: London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling doown!
[steps on a nail held by the mini Ashes]
Mini Ashs: My fair lady ha!

Evil Ash: You're going down!
Ash: I'm going up!

Ash: Oh you little bastards! All right, I'll crush each and every last one of ya! I'll squash you so hard you'll have to look down to look up!
Mini Ash: Hey dumbass!

Ash: Now I swear the next one of you primates even *touches* me...

Ash: Maybe. Just maybe my boys can protect the book. Yeah, and maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.

[after Ash chops up Evil Ash with a chainsaw and throws him into a hole]
Evil Ash: You'll never retrieve the Necronomicon! You'll die before ya get it!
Ash: Hey! What's that you got on your face?
Evil Ash: Huh?
[Ash throws dirt on Evil Ash's face]
Ash: See how that works?

Ash: Now whoa whoa whoa right there spinach chin!

Ash: That's it, go ahead and run. Run home and cry to mama!

[to his skeleton minions, who are digging up corpses in a graveyard]
Evil Ash: Dig, damn you! Dig faster! I shall command every worm-infested son-of-a-bitch that ever died in battle!
Skeleton: Thank you, sir!

Ash: [trying to kill a small Ash that has jumped into his mouth and into his stomach, he gets a kettle of boiling water] Okay, little fella, here's a little
[shouts]
Ash: hot chocolate for ya! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ash: Alright. Who wants some?

Ash: [as a soldier blocks his way, he pushes him aside] Get the fuck out of my face!

Ash: Say hello to the twenty-first century!

Wiseman: When you removed the book from the cradle, did you speak the words?
Ash: Yeah, basically.
Wiseman: Did you speak the exact words?
Ash: Look, maybe I didn't say every single little tiny syllable, no. But basically I said them, yeah.

[Directors cut ending: Ash emerges from a cave where he's been asleep for 700 years. He looks overjoyed]
Ash: Ha ha. Manufactured parts. Ha...
[Look of joy turns to horror as he sees a world devastated by nuclear war]
Ash: No. No. Oh God I slept too long!
Ash: [as the credits start] Hahahahahahahahaha...

Ash: [to himself] Like, like what am I supposed to do - take one book, or all books, or what?

Ash: [after being sucked into a blackhole in a fake copy of the Necronomicon and struggling back out] Whoa. Wrong book.

Ash: [to Arthur] You know your shoe lace is untied.

Ash: So what's the deal? Can you send me back or not?
Wiseman: Only the Necronomicon has the power. An unholy book which we also require. Within its pages are passages that can send you back to your time. Only you the promised one can quest for it.
Ash: I don't want your book, I don't want your bullshit. Just send me back to my own time, pronto, today. Chop chop!

Ash: I know you're scared; we're all scared, but that doesn't mean were cowards. We can take these skeletons, we can take them, with science.

Ash: We can take these Deadites, we can take 'em! With science.

Ash: [after crushing skeletons with boulders] Ooh that's gotta hurt.

Evil Ash: I'll spoil those good looks back stabber.

Ash: Hail to the king, baby.

Ash: [after reaching the location of the Necronomicon, and finding three identical books]
[scratches himself in the head]
Ash: Three books? Wait a minute... Hold it... Nobody said anything about three books!


Evil Dead: Regeneration (2005) (VG)
Ash: I'll bet you ten to one... that hurt.

Sam: Hey deadites! *Mind* your own business! Ha ha! Get it? Mind? You know, the deadites... possessions... losing it...
Ash: [sarcastically] Good one, runt.
Sam: Thanks. Wait a sec... I mean screw you!

Ash: [holding a deadite head] What's that? You can't believe you just got your ass kicked by a one-handed nut job? What's that? Oh, you think I'm your daddy! Listen up, shake and bake, I eat evil for breakfast and danger for dinner, so spread the word. Ash... is back... in business.

Ash: [to Sally] You know, I bet you could be some kind of a knockout if you traded in the granny wear for some high thigh stockings and a bra that pushed up your yams.

Ash: Let's make a deal. You shut up now, and the next time I possess you, I won't pour hot coffee down your pants.

Sam: Hey, who left the stove on? Know what this furnace reminds me of?
Ash: I have no idea.
Sam: Johnny Sticks. Him and me, we used to be connected.
Ash: Connected to what? The union of verbally challenged half deadites?
Sam: You know, "connected"! Me and Sticks, the guy was thin as a toothpick, we were top earners.
Ash: I thought you were an ice cream driver.
Sam: I was a lot of things, you know for cover. Me and Sticks used to pose as chimney sweeps, sneaking out of furnace vents with the loot. Sticks must have put on a couple of pounds cause he got himself stuck. Furnace comes on and *boom*! Then, err...
Ash: And then you played "pick up sticks" right?
Sam: I don't deserve sarcasm.

Ash: You know, you starting to make me think that the world ending can be any more painful than listening to you!

Ash: When you get to hell, tell 'em Ash sent ya!

Ash: Can't you act like a normal corpse for just *two* minutes!

Ash: Ever heard of a time out? Because the next "time" you talk, I'm gonna knock you the hell "out!"

Ash: I need to cut back on my medication, or double it.

Ash: Hey Napoleon, open that gate for me and make it snappy.
Sam: I don't know who you think you are, but I demand respect!
Ash: Oh, you want respect? Then stop complaining to my crotch!
Sam: OOOOH! You just made a big mistake buddy, you've messed with the wrong midget! I'll shove my boot so far up your ass, you need a shoe horn to swallow!
Ash: Well, even your temper's short!
Sam: The portal's is this way. We'll need to find a way around.
Ash: No, no. YOU need to find away around.
Sam: Don't push me, two-stroke!

Ash: This is crazy, even for a nut house!

Ash: Have you ever heard the phrase, "Ask a stupid question, eat a chainsaw"?

Ash: Runt, I'm about two ticks away from cleaning your clock!

Sam: Oh sure. Pick on the one dead guy NOT trying to waste you!
Ash: Come on Sam, what's a little decapitation between friends?

Ash: [staring at the Rail Boss] Nice mug! Any relation?
Sam: Why do you gotta keep busting my balls?
Rail Boss: FRESH SOULS!
Ash: [cocking his boomstick] Okay, enough! Time to give Junior his bottle!

Ash: Stupid book... Stupid Knowby! I'd like to give this egghead a boomstick migraine!
Sam: Y'a know, you really need to work on your anger issues!

Sam: The portal should be on the far side of this forrest...
Ash: Tone down, runt. These threes have ears... evil ears!

Ash: [after reacquiring his trusty chainsaw] Hahahah! Now THIS is therapy!

Ash: [seeing Sparky getting electrocuted] Hmmm... seems like someone ordered extra crispies!

Ash: [facing Sparky] Conserve your energy, Sparky, 'cause you will need every stickin' volt!

Ash: Um, sorry to interupt your beauty sleep lady...
Necromancer Queen: [turning around and hissing] Heeeeeeh.
Ash: Whoa, let's not kid ourselves, it'd take a few million more winks to make a dent in that grill.
Necromancer Queen: Souls.
Ash: Alright if that's the way you want it...
[draws boomstick]
Ash: ...come get some

Ash: Got time for one more session, Doc? I'm ready to resolve my anger issues!

Sam: [to a vanishing Knowby head] Now why don't you make like a nose, and run! You... big nose!
Ash: Oooh, that's telling him
[!]

Sam: [to Reinhard] Why don't you just... go hump a stump
[a very long pause during which Reinhard looks confused. then... ]
Ash: Er, maybe you should leave the witty banter to me

Ash: Say, Sam, I smell methane. Was that you or something else?
Sam: Sorry.

Ash: Hey, watch yourself stubby!
Sam: Who you calling stubby?
[points to Ash's right stub]
Ash: Grr...

[Reinhard is about to sacrifice Sally when he gets shot from behind by Ash]
Ash: Knock, knock.
Sally: ASH!
Dr. Reinhard: ASH!... impossible.
[Ash and Sam recoil from Dr. Reinhard's ugliness]
Ash: We should consider ourselves lucky runt, he could of set up shop in the house of mirrors.
Dr. Reinhard: I underestimated you Ash, and you too Sam. how are you my little failed experiment? Still DEAD I'm guessing?
Sam: Real funny you sadistic nutjob, why don't you... go hump a stump!
[everyone pauses for a minute and Reinhard looks confused]
Ash: Er, why don't you let me handle the witty banter from now on?

Ash: [to the Deadite Rail Boss] Nice mug!
[to Sam]
Ash: Any relations?
Sam: Why do you gotta keep busting on my balls?
Rail Boss: [roaring at Ash & Sam] FRESH... SOULS!
Ash: [pointing his boomstick towards the giant Deadite] Okay, enough! Time to give Junior his bottle!

Ash: Cranky Pants Games.
Sam: Who's the frickin' genius who came up with that name?


Evil Dead II (1987)
Annie: The first passage will allow the demon to manifest itself in the flesh.
Ash: Why the hell would we want to do that?

Ash: You're goin' down. Chainsaw.

Ash: [talking to mirror] I'm fine... I'm fine...
[Mirror Ash jumps out of the mirror and grabs Ash]
Mirror Ash: I don't think so. We just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does that sound "fine"?

[upon gaining the chainsaw in place of his lost right hand]
Ash: Groovy.

Ash: [for no apparent reason] ... Groovy.

Henrietta: I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!
Ash: [aims shotgun at Henrietta's face] Swallow this.

[Ash's hand gains a life of its own]
Ash: Gimme back my hand... GIMME BACK MY HAND!

[Ash grabs a chainsaw]
Ash: That's right... who's laughing now... who's laughing *now*?

Ash: Then let's head on down into that cellar and carve ourselves a witch.

Ash: Hey, what do you say we have some champagne, huh, baby?
Linda: Sure.
Ash: After all, I'm a man and you're a woman... at least last time I checked. Huh huh.

Ash: [being sucked in a vortex] For God's sake! How do you stop it?

Ash: [having just gotten hit in the face with a gusher of blood that turns to black goo] Old double-barrel here, blow your butts to Kingdom Come!
[staggers backward, voice drops]
Ash: See if we don't!

Ash: Got you, didn't I, you little sucker!

Ash: There's something out there. That... that witch in the cellar is only part of it. It lives... out in those woods, in the dark... something... something that's come back from the dead.

Linda: Even now we have your darling Linda's soul, as she suffers in torment!
Ash: You're going DOWN!

Ash: [as all the knights start hailing him] No. Nooo, Noooo... noooo! NOOOOOO!

Ash: [to his freshly sawn-off possessed hand] Here's your new home.
[Ash places a bucket and a bunch of books on it to trap the hand, the top book reads "A Farewell to Arms"]

Ash: [as his evil sawn-off hand gives him the finger] Son of a...!

Ash: You did it kid...

[Ash is trapped in the cellar with Henrietta walking towards him]
Ash: Open the door. There's something down here!
Annie: Open it. Quickly!
Jake: It's a trick!

Bobbie Joe: [pointing to an *empty* room] It's in there...
Ash: We'll all go in together.
Jake: Hell no! You're the curious one!

Ash: Workshed.

Ash: [after his hand is cut off] You bastards... you dirty bastards!

Annie: [Looking at a picture in the Necronomicon of Ash himself] In 1300 AD they called this man the uh, 'hero from the sky'. He was prophesied to have destroyed the evil.
Ash: He didn't do a very good job...

Ash: [to Henrietta] Let's go.


Evil Dead: Hail to the King (2000) (VG)
Ash: Woo! Inbred and undead.

[upon seeing a possessed tree]
Ash: Yo, tree-bitch! Let's go.

Ash: Groovy!

Ash: Okay, dark tunnel. Probably evil. That's convenient.

Ash: Hail to the king!

Ash: Who's laughing now, you primitive screwhead?

Ash: Good, bad, I'm the Ash with the chainsaw.

Father Allard: The pages, did you find them?
Ash: I got your stupid pages, now what's next? What do we gotta do to get my girl back?
Father Allard: Our work's not yet done. You must help me get into my church.
Ash: Our work? Oh that's a good one Padre
Father Allard: What are you implying?
Ash: I've been doing the work around here chump! I got your pages, now why the church?
Father Allard: Inside is the path to the Kandarian dagger. An artifact of great power, used with the Necronomicon. We can banish the evil once and for all! But I haven't been able to get past the doors.
Ash: Oh, so it's good ol' Ash to the rescue again, huh?
Father Allard: Enough! Find away inside the church, I thought I heard a woman scream.
Ash: Hey, woah! Why didn't you do something?
Father Allard: I told you, something's been blocking the doors. And I'm weakened from...
Ash: Yeah yeah, look spare me your boo-hooing ok? I've heard it all before. Look ,I'll get inside, but you better hope Jenny's all right!
Father Allard: Once I see you're inside, I'll... catch up to you.
Ash: Don't do me any favours.

Abdul Alzeez: Oh, I'm getting to old for this.
Ash: Yeah, yeah, look we're here. Finally, now tell me what's going on. Why is all this happening?
Abdul Alzeez: I fear your dark self is atempting to finish what the guild began. To bring the dark ones back to this world to reign over man. Your Jenny will be sacrificed as part of the ritual, to open the gateway to their realm.
Ash: Sacrificed? What, where's this gateway you're talking about?
Abdul Alzeez: Here in the lair. This place is built around the worlds of a temple once inhabited by the dark ones. When they ruled the earth long ago, here they uncovered the portal to the Cathedral of the Dead, the gateway between our worlds. But to enter we need the Dark Sign. It serves as a key.
Ash: Uh huh, point the way.
Abdul Alzeez: There, in the catacombs. But first you will a familiar to retrieve the sign.
Ash: Oh come on, why can't I just go and get it?
Abdul Alzeez: Fool! The catacombs are filled with such things that your mind would be seared, at a mear glance!
Ash: Uh huh. Ok, will I guess I'm going to have to go with you on this one.
Abdul Alzeez: Go into the lab and retrieve one of the familiars, while I begin work on the remaining translations. Move carefully, guards may still remain.
Ash: Oh, those half invisible guys, yeah, yeah, right about the back at the temple. See? I'm not as dumb as I look!
Abdul Alzeez: But I didn't...
Ash: Shut it, ok? Just shut it.

Abdul Alzeez: Where is the familiar?
Ash: I killed em.
Abdul Alzeez: All of them?
Ash: They attacked me!
Abdul Alzeez: Those creatures were some from worlds beyond. They were the product worth of years of arcane research!
Ash: What, is there an echo in there? They attacked me!
Abdul Alzeez: And what is this you brought me?
Ash: Oh, that's my hand.
Abdul Alzeez: Your actual hand? Fancinating!
Ash: Oh yeah, real peachy
Ash: Now come on, what do we gotta do to get the sign?
Abdul Alzeez: It is possible. Yees, I might be able to grant you control assorts over your hand, given the proper spell...
Ash: And, you got that spell handy? Oops, sorry.
Abdul Alzeez: For what?
Ash: Never mind.
Abdul Alzeez: The spell is in sanctum santorum of the library. I was never allowed inside, you will have to figure out how to enter.
Ash: Naturally.

Evil Ash: Well, look who finally made it, and just in time.
Ash: This is between you and me pal, let the girl go!
Evil Ash: Oh no, this is between the three of us. Once the portal is opened, she'll be consumed by the dark ones, then the cross over will begin. As for you, your death will be my calling card. You see the prophecy is actually very important to them.
Ash: Oh, you mean the prophecy where I kill you and stop the dark ones for coming over?
Evil Ash: Semantics. Either way, we'll all be pleased to see you... dead!
Ash: Oh yeah right! You think those things will make you some sort of god while I'm gone? I've got words for you pal, you're crazy!
Evil Ash: Not crazy, just bad.
Ash: Good, bad, I'm the Ash with the chainsaw.

Ash: [after finally catching his evil hand] Ha ha ha! Got you now, you little sucker!

Ash: [looking at a puzzle that looks too complicated to solve] On second thought, specify this!
[blows puzzle with his shotgun]

Merchant: You, you are him!
Ash: Him? Him who?
Merchant: The one Alzeez spoke of! The warrior from the sky!
Ash: Uh huh. Hey, where am I?
Merchant: Damascus, in the year seven hundred thirty.
Ash: Seven thirty? Great, round two with the primitives. Hey you see two other people land around here? A girl and a guy, guy's my height, my weight, kinda good lookin?
Merchant: Yes, the two others fell during the rain of trinkets. They were taking the guild temple. Soon after the mad poet, Abdul Alzeez, was cast out into the guild and thrown into jail. He spoke of your arrival, most thought him to be insane.
Ash: Guild? What the... look never mind. Where can I find this Alzeez fellow?
Merchant: He awaits execution in the jail, but the bridge is out and the minions of the guild roam free about the town. I must go. I shouldn't be seen talking to you, but here me warrior. Tred carefully, an unholy evil sweeps across the land.
Ash: Yeah, so what else is new?

Ash: Yo, Zeez baby listen up! Back away from the door and I'll have you outta there in a jiff.
[sticks the home made dynamite in the cell door and blows the door successfully]
Ash: Uh, hello? You can get up now. Ok, now let's get one thing straight spinach-chin, I still don't like this whole "I wrote the book of the dead" thing. So if you as so much as look at me funny, I'll saw you in half so fast, it'll make your head spin!
Abdul Alzeez: I mean you no harm. As I was saying before, the Necronomicon's a source of immense power. One can summon the un-holiest of evils, cross dimensions and command an army of deadites. But within it's pages, also lie are the secrets to banishing the evil forever!
Ash: Uh huh, so let me guess. You wrote the bad part first and never finished the good part?
Abdul Alzeez: Precisely. There's not much time, we should walk and talk.
[later at the entrance of the temple]
Abdul Alzeez: The celestrial temple. Once used by the most noble scholars in Damascus, it is now a place for the guild to study and prepare for the dark ones. Inside are my notes, you will need to retrieve in order for me to complete the book.
Ash: And I suppose these notes of yours will be completly unguarded and I won't have any trouble finding it.
Abdul Alzeez: The water, you must also shut down it's supply. We need to clear the passage ways.
Ash: Okay enough! The other "me" already has the book, not to mention my girl and now you're babbling about some kind of water? You're pissing me off, old man! What gives?
Abdul Alzeez: Even with completed book, they still lack one crucial component.
Ash: Oh yeah? What's that?
Abdul Alzeez: Me. I was the only one not driven entirely insane by the translations. Those with less knowledge of the book, know not of what it contains.
Ash: Blah blah blah, look let's just get to the point gramps! You keep yacking about the book, the guild, these dark ones, what the hell is going on and why did they take Jenny?
Abdul Alzeez: No time to explain, get inside and retrieve my notes. We will meet here afterwards. I must go now. If they find me here, they'll kill me where I stand!
Ash: Oh yeah, and what do you think they're gonna do to me? Give me a big fat kiss.

Evil Ash: I may be bad, but I feel good.

Ash: Come get some.

Jenny: Is it me or does it seem a little empty? Where is everybody?
Ash: Yeah, I don't know, maybe it's Sunday or something.

Troop Leader: You're a little old to be a Wolverine, but then again, we seem to be runnin' low on new recruits.
Ash: Thanks but no thanks doughboy, my scouting days are over. And so are yours.

Ash: Huh, I can clear these rocks away if I had something to dig with.
[a monster screams in the distance]
Ash: Or maybe I'm just an idiot.

Father Allard: Who's out there? You must leave this place. Now!
Ash: All right, all right, keep your shorts on! Are you that Allard guy?
Father Allard: Yes, I cant believe you survived! I barely made it back here before the woods sealed my exit. Professor Knowby warned me the forest might come to life.
Ash: Yeah yeah yeah, right about ya back at the cabin. Look the professor really screwed things up didn't he?
Father Allard: His soul is restless. The events he caused in life way heavenly beyond even death, I've been searching for a way to stop the evil he unleashed.
Ash: Well, we all have our problems. Listen, you have the book, right?
Father Allard: Yes, but there are missing pages.
Ash: Yeah yeah, I've been finding them all over.
Father Allard: You have them?
Ash: Yeah, basically.
Father Allard: All five of them?
Ash: Look, maybe I don't have every single page, but you gotta understand how hard it is gettin them.
Father Allard: You must find the remaining pages.
Ash: Woah woah, hold on padre. I'm not your little boy you know. I got my own things to do.
Father Allard: Listen to me, find the pages and bring them here, to me. Our salvation lies within those passages. Here, take these. Maybe they'll help you.
Ash: My car keys. How'd you get em?
Father Allard: From a girl.
Ash: A girl? Must be Jenny, where is she, what happened to her?
Father Allard: I saw her in the woods, taken by the evil. I gave chase, but couldn't keep up. I found these, just before I lost them. She can still be saved, but only if we hurry.
Ash: Ok, so let me guess, you're just gunna hide behind your big gate till I come back, right?
Father Allard: The evil still lurks in the woods. Very dangerous. But now that you over come that tree, it should much easier to navigate
Ash: But still too dangerous for you huh?
Father Allard: Rrright, meet me here when you have the rest of the pages. Now go, quickly!
Ash: Hey, let's get this one thing straight! I don't like being ordered around, ok ya got me padre?
[Ash looks around the big garden, being deserted]
Ash: PADRE? Yeah, nice hat!

Ash: Ah, so you're that crazy writer guy huh?
Abdul Alzeez: Warrior from the sky! I knew you'd come to save us.
Ash: Hold up a minute, I'm not here to free you, I'm just looking for a couple of friends.
Abdul Alzeez: But you must help me. A great evil is taking over the city and shall consume the entire earth if not stopped.
Ash: Hey hey, one thing at a time. First what's your deal, shmeal?
Abdul Alzeez: I am Abdul Alzeez, or at least once was, we had uncovered the ancient texts of the dark ones, deep within the earth. And I had been translating the passages, as I neared completion of the Necronomicon, I...
Ash: Woah woah woah, hold the phone, stop right there! YOU were the clown who wrote the Necronomicon? Buddy, I outta kill you right here!
Abdul Alzeez: I didn't write it, I only translated it's passages. It's true orgins are not of this earth.
Ash: Listen spinach chin, that damn book has been a pain in my ass for the last eight years!
Abdul Alzeez: I understand. And I warned the guild of it's power, but they banished me. And I had been translated the passages needed to dispell the evil when the other "the one who looks like you" arrived with the girl, he had with him a completed copy of the book.
Ash: So this "guild" didn't need you anymore huh? He just threw you in here to what, shut you up?
Abdul Alzeez: Precisly. And now you're dark half is helping them. They have no idea what they're about to do, and the girl is in great danger. You must free me so I can complete my work. It is the prophecy.
Ash: Why should I help you? You cost me my friends, my sanity, my hand. I walk with a limp thanks to you gramps!
Abdul Alzeez: If not for mankind, then for the girl.
Ash: All right. I'll get you outta here, but no funny stuff, you got that gramps? Now what do we gotta do to bust you out?
Abdul Alzeez: The marketplace. Find the merchants, mention the white scimitar, they will know of what you speak. Now go!

[prologue]
Ash: Am I insane? I wouldn't necessarily say I'm crazy. Simply because I've heard the voices and battled the godless things in the woods. But I *must* be crazy to believe. It all started with that damn book, the necronomicon ex-mortis. Roughly translated: the book... of the dead. Inked in human blood and bound in flesh, the book contained bizarre burial rights, prophecies and demon reserection passages. Professor Raymond Knowby unearthed the book and brought it to this remote cabin to translate it. He awoke something dark in the woods, something... evil. It got the professor. Then... it came for me. It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist. The professor's daughter, Penny, helped me fight the evil. We used the book to open a vortex to send the evil back. It worked... big time. The girl died and I got a first class ticket to the 12th century. I led a war against an army of deadites, then I used the book to send me back home. Back to deerborn. I even got my old job back. Not to mention, I got a great gal, Jenny, assistant manager, arts and crafts. We were a perfect match. But then, the nightmares came. For years they haunted me, even when I was awake. Jenny thought I was crazy, but she agreed to help. We decided to go back to the cabin, back to where it all started. She said it would be good to face my fears. Big mistake...


"Ash vs Evil Dead: Bait (#1.2)" (2015)
Kelly Maxwell: [after Ash puts a pair of crosses on her parents' graves] You know they were Jewish, right?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I did not. I wish you had told me that before I made those dumb crosses.

Kelly's Father: I'm actually a hunter and I've never seen a deer explode.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, maybe you're not hunting the right deer.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Pablo, focus up. Just stay behind me, let the boomstick do the talking. Things get hairy, you use your bottle.
Pablo Simon Bolivar: Um, I don't think it's a very good weapon, Jefe. You had to stab Roper, like, fifty times.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Hey, I was sharpening it for you.

Suzy Maxwell: Now the three of you will perish together. Evil will walk the Earth!
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, well, your cooking was shit.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [Kelly's mother turns into a Deadite] Oh, good. I was startin' to feel like a real dick.

Pablo Simon Bolivar: Look, Ash, I think you're really being paranoid about this. If Kelly's mom is one of "them", why wouldn't she have killed her before we got here?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Because she's tryin' to reel in the bigger fish. Don't you get it? If you snag a little fish, you're not gonna eat it. No, you use it as a bait fish, to catch the whale. I'm the whale, Pablo.
Pablo Simon Bolivar: Yeah, I got that.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: And Kelly...
Pablo Simon Bolivar: She's the bait.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, that's right. Unfortunately for Mom, this whale swam in there with a big ol' shotgun. She was waiting for me to drop my guard. That's why she's inviting us to dinner.
Pablo Simon Bolivar: Well, for the record, I think she's a real mom, this is my chance to impress Kelly's parents. So, can you just do me a solid, please? And just, be polite in there.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, I'll be polite. Right up until I'm rude.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Look, I get that you wanna save your dad, but I'm trying to save all the dads everywhere. And the mommies and the babies.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I've gotta duct-tape some big-ass bullet holes before I roll.

[Ash and Pablo ride down the road, both soaked in blood]
Pablo Simon Bolivar: Is this what it's like to be you?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yep, pretty much. Never killed my boss before, so that was new.

Pablo: That was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me, I thought I was dead. But then it was so cool when you said, "Thanks for the heads up." At first I was like, "Did he mean it like that?" And then I realized, "He's the Jefe, of course he did."
Ash: This ain't my first rodeo, kid.

Pablo Simon Bolivar: Oh man, something seems very wrong here.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: It always does.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, here's the plan: We bust in there, we fight through the carnage, we bail with the book.
Pablo Simon Bolivar: Okay, yeah. Oh God, what if Kelly's mom gave Kelly the evil force and then you have to cut off Kelly's head...
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Pablo! Focus up.

Kelly Maxwell: Mom, Dad, this is my friend Pablo. He got me the job at Value Stop. And this is Ash, a person I never thought would be in my home.
Ash: Hi. You used to be dead, right?

Suzy Maxwell: Why are you covered in blood?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Um, we hit a deer on the way up here. And when I tried to pull it out of the grill of my car, the sucker just exploded all over us, so we had to cut it up with my chainsaw, arm.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: When it comes to evil, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Pablo Simon Bolivar: If Kelly's mom is one of them, why wouldn't she have killed her *before* we got here?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Because she's trying to reel in the bigger fish, don't you get it? If you snag a little fish, you're not gonna eat it, no. You use it as a bait fish to catch the whale.
[awkward pause]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I'm the whale, Pablo.
Pablo Simon Bolivar: Yeah, I got that.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You don't believe mom's horseshit story, do ya? She's a deadite! And I think dad is too.
Pablo Simon Bolivar: Her mom, she doesn't even have the crazy white eyes. I noticed they're brown and lovely like her daughter's.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, I remember when I was like you. Young, dumb, full of... conflicting emotions.

Suzy Maxwell: You know you could, uh, take off your gun, put it over there with your chainsaw-limb.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Suzy Maxwell: Uh, yeah. I would rather not to have a gun at dinner.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, we can agree to disagree.

[Ash bursts through the door brandishing a gun and chainsaw]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You left dinner before daddy excused you.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: So look, uh, I'm not a grief counselor, but if it's any consolation, I have had to kill and bury loved ones before. A bunch of times, actually.

Pablo Simon Bolivar: Ash, I'm not sorry that I took your book to get you to come up here.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I'm not either. Sometimes a whale needs his bait fish to remind him of where he is in the ocean... Or something like that. Anyway, thanks, buddy.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You're kinda like a young me. Deadites ruined your life and you're hot as hell.


"Ash vs Evil Dead: El Jefe (#1.1)" (2015)
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Catch ya on the flip-flop, good buddy.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: One more for papa.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Do me a favor, will ya? Thank your mother for me? She passed the jeans down to you in all the right places.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You got the wrong Jefe, Chief.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yo, Granny.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Hope you took your Geritol...
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: 'Cause it's time to dance!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Goodbye forever, Kelly.
Kelly Maxwell: Touch me again, and you're gonna need another wooden hand.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, wait. Another wooden hand in place of my real hand, or another wooden hand in place of my wooden hand?
Kelly Maxwell: Your real hand!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Relax, sweetheart.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I'm not sticking my neck out for anybody.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: In fact, I'm just about to haul nuggies.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: The other first thing I got to do is some cardio, 'cause my heart is jackhammering like a quarterback on prom night.

Pablo Simon Bolivar: How does it feel?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Groovy.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Groovy

Pablo Simon Bolivar: You can't outrun evil, Ash.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Watch me!


"Ash vs Evil Dead: Books from Beyond (#1.3)" (2015)
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, look, if we get this done quick enough, we might have time to stop for churros.
[pauses and looks at Pablo]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: That's not a racist thing, Pablo. That's just a great dessert.
Pablo Simon Bolivar: [Stares for a second] You know I am not Mexican, right?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [Smiles at him] That's the spirit!

Pablo Simon Bolivar: Hey, I was toying with a nickname for us. "The Ghostbeaters!"
Kelly Maxwell: That is so fucking bad.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, buddy, I gotta tell ya, that's prob'ly the worst thing I've ever heard.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: At heart, me, I'm an alone wolf.
Kelly Maxwell: A lone wolf.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Exactly.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay so, Lionel, you're gonna be cool about this, right? You wouldn't wanna wanna jeopardize your life's work just 'cause there's a unconscious cop in your store, right? I mean, you get that.
Lionel Hawkins: I do.
Kelly Maxwell: You do?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Kelly, come on, he's cool. Let's not poke at it.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Pablo, you, me and Professor Know-It-All, we're gonna rid the earth of evil. Kelly, can you stay here, watch our friend, in case she wakes up?
Kelly Maxwell: Oh sure. I'll just sit here with the police officer we tied up and rethink my recent life choices.

Lionel Hawkins: Do you even know what you possess here?
[Ash scoffs]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, of course. I mean, obviously I do but, uh, you might wanna share it with Pablo.
Lionel Hawkins: This book is a gateway to Hell, a way to summon forces of evil into our earthly realm.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yep, that's exactly what I thought. Please continue.

Pablo Simon Bolivar: I wish we could just summon an answer.
[Ash laughs]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Wait a minute, Pablo. You smooth, brown Einstein, that's it! We summon something from the book that can tell us how to undo all this.
Pablo Simon Bolivar: Uh yeah, no, that's not what I was saying...
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Lionel, find me the weakest demon in that book!

Pablo Simon Bolivar: Reading from the book is what caused all of this trouble to begin with, so...
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, that's true. But reading from it again can't make things any worse. It's kinda like spilling paint on a painting. It's okay 'cause there was already paint on it.
Pablo Simon Bolivar: That is incorrect.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Lionel, you find a wimpy demon yet?
Lionel Hawkins: Nothing that says wimpy, specifically, but I have found a minor demon named Eligos. Possesses knowledge of hidden things, a demon of the mindscape.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, perfect. Sounds like a total nerd.
Lionel Hawkins: It says he preys on the spiritually and emotionally weak.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, he can do that on his own time.


The Evil Dead (1981)
[Shelly has been hacked into several pieces]
Ash: We can't bury Shelly - S-She's a friend of ours.

Ash: You bastards, why are you torturing me like this? Why?

Linda: Hey, Ash! I guessed the card right!
Ash: Yeah... truly amazing.

[first lines]
Scotty: Hey, Ash, where are we?
Ash: Well we just crossed the Tennessee border...

[last lines]
[an unseen force rips through the cabin and comes up behind the unsuspecting Ash]
Ash: Aaaaaah!

Ash: Now the sun will be up in an hour or so, and we can all get out of here together. You, me, Linda, Shelly. Hmm... Well... not Shelly, she? We'll all be going home together. Wouldn't you like to be going home? I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you, Scott?

Ash: Shut up, Linda!

Shelly: [about Cheryl] Why does she keep making those horrible noises?
Ash: I don't know!
Shelly: Look at her eyes. Look at her eyes! For God's sake, what happened to her eyes?

Ash: Linda's still asleep. I don't know what else to do for her. It'll be dawn in a few hours so...
Scotty: I can't wait. I'm getting out of here... now!
Ash: Scotty, we can't take Linda anywhere with her leg like that. We don't even know if there is any other way back besides the bridge.
Scotty: Well... maybe there's an old road or a hiking trail or something. I mean, there must be another away around the cliff.
Ash: Listen to me. Linda cannot walk with her leg like that. She can't even stand up.
Scotty: So, we'll leave her here until we can send somebody back.
Ash: What, are you crazy? I'm not...
Scotty: [interupting] Look, I'm getting out of here! I don't care what happens to her! She's your girlfriend, you take care of her!


"Ash vs Evil Dead: The Dark One (#1.10)" (2016)
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You wrote it? You mean like, the whole thing?
Ruby Knowby: Yes, and now that you've returned it to me, everything in here will be let loose upon the world.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, aren't we the tricky little bitch.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Don't act like you know me.
Ruby Knowby: Oh, but I do. See one day long ago, you appeared in my book. El Jefe.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: That's Mr. Jefe to you. But the end of your story is not yet written. Now Ash, do you really think I want you and your little friends to die?
Ruby Knowby: No. I just want things to go back to the way they were, when the Dark Ones ruled over evil forces on Earth.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, well, I just want to bang Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island, but that ain't gonna happen.
Ruby Knowby: The world is in chaos, and I want order. To consolidate the dark forces under one ruler: Me.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, so you're the good guy now? What, you wanna control all of these demons like The Godfather?
Ruby Knowby: Exactly.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, I hated that movie. Too long, and boring and not enough boobies. I'm more of a Death Wish kinda guy.
Ruby Knowby: You are the one obstacle in the way. So what's your price? What do you really want?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: What do I want? I want this to be done. I want the last 40 years of my life...
Ruby Knowby: 10 years.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I want the last years of my life to be worth living. I want a 20 ounce steak every night for dinner. A little pad of butter right there. I want cable TV, with all the premium channels.
Ruby Knowby: And Jacksonville. Take it. I can give you all of that.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, okay. No, no, no. You're tryin' to beguile with those radar eyes of yours. I call bullshit!
Ruby Knowby: What you should be calling is a truce. Lay down your weapons, and go back to your life. I am offering you the undo button you wanted. Take it.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Truce? I could get into that. Or... I could kill you now!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [mockingly] I'm Ruby, I'm The Dark One. I wrote The Necronomicon. Yeah? I don't give a shit! You fucked things up worse than I ever fucked things up lady, so fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, that was easy. Okay, let's the close the show with a little neck music.
[starts up chainsaw]

Ruby Knowby: Your stupid mortal toys mean nothing to me. But before I kill you, my book needs a new cover.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: A new what - what? Oh, no, no, no! Not me! Oh, no! Not the face! Not the face!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [cuts and burns Ruby with the Kandarian Dagger] Well, I guess this doesn't count as one of my "stupid mortal toys." Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this, Ruby, 'cause I dislike you, a lot. You get that fuckin' book off my friend's face.
Ruby Knowby: Oh what? Gonna kill me? You do it, and they're both dead. And after The Book has killed her, it'll kill him. Nothing you can do about it.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Except kill you.
Ruby Knowby: Or... you can take the deal. Think about, Ash. You are old. and fat and weak. You cannot keep this up forever. Lay down your weapons and go back to your life. You know that deep down we *both* want the same thing.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: No, pretty sure I don't wanna destroy humanity.
Ruby Knowby: I don't wanna destroy anything. I want humanity to flourish. Without good, there is no evil. I just want evil under control, same as you. Difference is, you never signed up for any of this. Ash, your entire life has been marked by tragedy, and desperation, and a woeful inadequacy.
Ruby Knowby: I get the idea.
Ruby Knowby: Just take the deal. It's what you've always wanted.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: No. It's not just about my life anymore. I want their lives back too! They're comin' with me!
Ruby Knowby: I can do that.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Prove it.


"Ash vs Evil Dead: Bound in Flesh (#1.9)" (2015)
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, look, there is no way in hell they're gonna stay here, cause they're gonna get possessed, then they're gonna be on the night train to Kill-adelphia.
Kelly Maxwell: With stops in Choke-lahoma City, and Die-ami.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Nice.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, how'd you know it was really me?
Pablo Simon Bolivar: Well, first off, you're racist, but not against Asians.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, why would I be? They give such incredible massages, with those teeny hands.

Kelly Maxwell: Also, you tried to take the easy way out. Total Ash move.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: What? Come on.
Kelly Maxwell: The only person you're really to lay down and die for is you.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, that's because I'm very important to me.
Pablo Simon Bolivar: Yeah, we definitely shot the right one.
Kelly Maxwell: I'm reconsidering.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, number one, it's my book, has been for 30 years. Number two, I'm on your damn property, because I'm here to save a little somethin' I call "Earth."
Ruby Knowby: You know what I've been doing these past 30 years? Cleaning up your messes so they don't destroy a giant thing that *everyone* calls the "Earth." And what you accomplished in all these years? You put a chainsaw on your stump? Congratulations.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You know, it's a lot harder than it looks. Name one other person that has a functioning chainsaw arm.
Ruby Knowby: This has to stop. You've got the Necronomicon, and you need to give it to me. So where is it?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: None of your beeswax. I will tell this though, pretty soon it's gonna be six feet under.
Ruby Knowby: Oh, you're gonna bury it?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Bet your bippy. I found that out during a drug fueled trip.
Ruby Knowby: So your entire plan to save the world comes courtesy from a bong hit?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: No. I didn't smoke the drug, lady. I *drank* the drug, which gave my mind a backstage pass to the reality show. I'm gonna bury it in the basement, then I can finally say to evil, "Hey evil, why don't you eat my butt?"
Ruby Knowby: Wonderful imagery, but it won't work even if you just bury the book.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: That's what my vision says.
Ruby Knowby: Then your vision is stupid.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, you're right. It is kinda stupid. Almost as stupid as your stupid face.


"Ash vs Evil Dead: Ashes to Ashes (#1.8)" (2015)
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Where's Pablo and Kelly?
Amanda Fisher: We split up to look for you.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Good, it's safer away from here.
Amanda Fisher: Why would you just run off like that?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I'm not big on goodbyes.
Amanda Fisher: Ash, you shouldn't do this alone.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I have to do it alone. Don't you get it? Everybody dies here. It's just a rule. Death, taxes, more death, and I don't pay taxes. So all I know is death.
Amanda Fisher: Fuck the rules. I'm gonna help you end this.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Lady, I like your style.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Wow. Last time I was here with a girl, I was hopin' to get laid. Didn't quite work out that way. I cut my hand off with a chainsaw, though. It was a fun weekend.

Amanda Fisher: Wait, your ex-girlfriend is in the work shed?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Part of her. It's complicated. Maybe I shouldn't go there.
Amanda Fisher: Well, if you don't want to talk about it...
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: She got possessed, I cut her head off with a shovel, then she did this crazy dance in the moon light, I put her head in a vice, and then I cut it with a chainsaw. But she did have a rockin' bod, though.

Linda's Head: You can't save her. Everyone you care about dies.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Shut up, I can get to her.
Linda's Head: No, you can't! You don't need her. You already have a girlfriend, you have me. Come over here. I'll suck you off. I give good head. You can skull fuck me good. It's the best you're gonna get, Ash! No woman would want you!


"Ash vs Evil Dead: Brujo (#1.4)" (2015)
Brujo: I've been expecting you.
Pablo Simon Bolivar: Have you?
Brujo: Two days ago, an ill-wind whispered your name. Curious how you abandon your faith, but come back for him.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Ash Williams. Go easy on him. He's a good kid.
Brujo: Go easy? Pablo has always taken the easy road.
Pablo Simon Bolivar: Mira Tio, perdoname. Okay, you've got every reason to be upset. I completely dismissed everything that you did here, but I was so wrong, and I know it now.
Brujo: Do you?
Pablo Simon Bolivar: When I was a kid, you told me tales of great heroes who fought against the darkness. Jefes. I think that Ash is one of them.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: "When Evil shows up, it blows up." Still workin' on the slogan.

Brujo: The girl is unwell. Tend to her.
[to Ash]
Brujo: Come, I'll look inside you.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Good, check the old prostate while you're in there? Ah, boy, that one's just a barrel of laughs, isn't he?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You, uh, making dinner there, muchacho?
Brujo: Ash, you're a dolt.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Is that good?
Brujo: Only because you have no idea what power you truly possess. Many underestimate you, don't they?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, at first, yeah, but then, they either end up in my bed, or dead.
Brujo: Total lack of self-awareness will make very difficult to find the answers you seek, but we must try.


"Ash vs Evil Dead: Fire in the Hole (#1.7)" (2015)
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: But hey, this ain't so bad. Spend some quality time, like you've dreamin' about.
Amanda Fisher: You think this is the right time for hitting on me?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: There's no bad time. I'm old school, baby.
Amanda Fisher: Oh, you're old somethin'.

[Ash knocks off the top of Lem's skull]
Lem: My brain!
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Good news, Lem. You won't even know it's gone.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, that was fun. We should get handcuffed together more often.
Amanda Fisher: You wouldn't even know what do to with me.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh honey bunny, I would destroy you in the best possible way.


Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash (2011)
Freddy Krueger: Ash Williams.
Ashley Williams: Hey, scabby. Haven't seen you since the barbecue.
Freddy Krueger: This time I'll do the cooking!

Ashley Williams: [to Jason] Why don't you fight like a man, Gretzky?

Ashley Williams: [to Freddy, regarding Jason] I see you invited tall dark and ugly. Now he's got a face that a mother can love. Say hello to my boomstick!
[shoots Jason]


"Ash vs Evil Dead: The Killer of Killers (#1.6)" (2015)
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I ordered the fruit-cup because I thought we were taking this check to splitsville.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I know they say waitresses never get big tips, but that's all about to change.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [to Fisher] What? You never saw a guy with a chainsaw hand before?


"Ash vs Evil Dead: The Host (#1.5)" (2015)
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Shoot first, think never.
Pablo Simon Bolivar: Noted.


Evil Dead (2013)
[last lines]
Ash: Groovy.