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: What if I said I wouldn't have sex with you again 'til I got to meet your friends; what would you say? Will
: I'd say it's 4:30 in the morning; they're probably up.
[he picks up Skylar's phone and begins dialing
] Men are shameless. If you're not thinking with your wiener, then you're acting directly on its behalf. Will
: Thank you. Chuckie
: [answering the phone at the other end
] Eh! What the fuck? Will
: Nothing, Chuckie; go back to sleep.
[Will hangs up the phone
: [in a bar
] I didn't get on Cathy last night. Will
: No? Chuckie
: Nah. Will
: Why not? Chuckie
: I don't know.
[yells across room
: Cathy! Cathy
: What? Chuckie
: Why didn't you give me none of that nasty little hoochie-woochie you usually throw at me? Cathy
: Oh, fuck you and your Irish curse, Chuckie. Like I'd waste my energy spreading my legs for that Tootsie Roll dick? So go home and give it a tug yourself.
: [upon entering the bar for the first time with Bill, Morgan and Will
] So this is a Harvard bar, huh? I thought there'd be equations and shit on the wall.
: [both leaning on a pick up truck while drinking beers and smoking cigarettes on a construction site
] What do I wanna way outta here for? I'm gonna live here the rest of my fuckin' life. We'll be neighbors, have little kids, take 'em to Little League up at Foley Field. Chuckie
: Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way but, in 20 years if you're still livin' here, comin' over to my house, watchin' the Patriots games, workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill ya. That's not a threat, that's a fact, I'll fuckin' kill ya. Will
: What the fuck you talkin' about? Chuckie
: You got somethin' none of us have... Will
: Oh, come on! What? Why is it always this? I mean, I fuckin' owe it to myself to do this or that. What if I don't want to? Chuckie
: No. No, no no no. Fuck you, you don't owe it to yourself man, you owe it to me. Cuz tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be 50, and I'll still be doin' this shit. And that's all right. That's fine. I mean, you're sittin' on a winnin' lottery ticket. And you're too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that's bullshit. 'Cause I'd do fuckin' anything to have what you got. So would any of these fuckin' guys. It'd be an insult to us if you're still here in 20 years. Hangin' around here is a fuckin' waste of your time.
: [in Chuckie's dining room
] Wait, Bill. Hold it. Did you hear that?
[Man moans upstairs
: Morgan! If you're watching pornos in my mom's room again, I'm gonna give you a fucking beating!
[Morgan runs downstairs
: What's up fellas? Billy
: Morgan, why don't you jerk off in your own fucking house. Man, that's fucking filthy. Morgan
: I ain't got a VCR in my house. Chuckie
: Aw, c'mon, not on my glove. Morgan
: I didn't use the glove. Chuckie
: That's my Little League glove. Morgan
: What do you want me to do? Chuckie
: I mean, what's wrong with you? You'll hump a baseball glove? Morgan
: I was just using it for clean-up. Chuckie
: Stop jerking off in my mother's room! Morgan
: Ain't there another VCR in the house? Chuckie
: It's just sad bro.
: [while leaving a little league baseball game
] Morgan, I'm not going to Kelly's just because you like the takeout girl. It's fifteen minutes out of our way. Morgan
: What the fuck are we gonna do that we can't spare fifteen minutes?
: [in Chuckie's car, Morgan in the passenger side back seat, Bill sitting in the backseat of the driver's side
] Double Burger.
: Chuck, I had a double burger! Chuckie
: Will you shut the fuck up? I know what you ordered, I was there. Morgan
: So give me my fucking sandwich. Chuckie
: What do you mean your sandwich? I bought it. Hey Morgan, how much money you got on you? Morgan
: I said I'd give you the change when we ordered the Sno-Cones when we pulled up, so why don't you give me my sandwich and stop being a prick. Chuckie
: Well why don't you give me your fucking sixteen cents you got on you and we'll put your sandwich on layaway. There you go, keep it right up here for you, We'll put you on a program. Everyday you bring your six cents and at the end of the week you'll get your sandwich. Morgan
: Why do you have to be such an asshole? Chuckie
: What am I, fuckin' sandwich welfare? I think you should establish a good line of credit. Like how you bought your couch, payment plans. Remember how your mother brought in $10 everyday for a year and she finally got her couch Rent-A-Center Style? Morgan
: Can I have my food now please? Chuckie
: [throws the burger at Morgan
] Here's your fucking double burger!
: Hey asshole. Will
: What, bitch? Chuckie
: Happy birthday.
: Christ, who did you call? Will
: No one. I forgot the number. Morgan
: You fuckin' retarded? You went all the way out there in the rain and you didn't bring the number? Will
: No, it was your mother's 900 number. I just ran out of quarters. Morgan
: Hey, how about we get off of mothers, alright? I just got off of yours!
: [impersonating Will at a job interview
] You're suspect! Yeah, you! I don't know what your reputation is in this town, but after the shit you tried to pull today you can bet I'll be looking into you. Now the business we have, heretofore, you can speak with my aforementioned attorney. Good day, gentlemen; and until that day comes, keep your ear to the grindstone.
: [in a bar
] Are we gonna have a problem here? Clark
: No, no, no, no! There's no problem here. I was just hoping you might give me some insight into the evolution of the market economy in the southern colonies. My contention is that prior to the Revolutionary War, the economic modalities, especially in the southern colonies, could be most aptly described as agrarian pre-capitalist. Will
: Of course that's your contention. You're a first-year grad student; you just got finished reading some Marxian historian, Pete Garrison probably. You're gonna be convinced of that 'till next month when you get to James Lemon. Then you're going to be talking about how the economies of Virginia and Pennsylvania were entrepreneurial and capitalist way back in 1740. That's gonna last until next year; you're gonna be in here regurgitating Gordon Wood, talkin' about, you know, the pre-revolutionary utopia and the capital-forming effects of military mobilization. Clark
: Well, as a matter of fact, I won't, because Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social... Will
: "Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social distinctions predicated upon wealth, especially inherited wealth"? You got that from Vickers' "Work in Essex County," page 98, right? Yeah, I read that too. Were you gonna plagiarize the whole thing for us? Do you have any thoughts of your own on this matter? Or do you, is that your thing, you come into a bar, read some obscure passage and then pretend - you pawn it off as your own, as your own idea just to impress some girls, embarrass my friend? Will
: See, the sad thing about a guy like you is, in 50 years you're gonna start doin' some thinkin' on your own and you're going to come up with the fact that there are two certainties in life: one, don't do that, and two, you dropped 150 grand on a fuckin' education you could have got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the public library! Clark
: Yeah, but I will have a degree. And you'll be servin' my kids fries at a drive-thru on our way to a skiing trip. Will
: That may be, but at least I won't be unoriginal. But I mean, if you have a problem with that, I mean, we could just step outside - we could figure it out. Clark
: No, man, there's no problem. It's cool.