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Quotes for
Liane Cartman (Character)
from "South Park" (1997)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)
[person speaking German on "cliteris" website]
Kyle: Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!
Stan: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?
Cartman: Oh, very funny!
Kyle: Hey! It IS Cartman's mom!
Mrs. Cartman: [man speaking German on computer] All righty then!
Cartman: SON OF A BI...
[shocks]
Cartman: AHHH!
Ike: [bounces in] Ba ba ba ba.
Kyle: Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff!
Ike: Bullshit.
Stan: What's she doing now?
German: Essen meine scheisse.
Mrs. Cartman: Okey-dokey!
Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [they see something gross] AWWWWWW!
Stan: [pukes] Click it off, dude, click it off!
[Kyle clicks it off]
Stan: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?

[demonstrating a "V-Chip" planted into Cartman]
Dr. Vosknocker: Now, I want you to say "doggy".
Cartman: Doggy.
Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Notice, that nothing happens.
[to Cartman]
Dr. Vosknocker: Now, say "Montana".
Cartman: Montana.
Dr. Vosknocker: Good. Now, "pillow".
Cartman: Pillow.
Dr. Vosknocker: All right. Now I want you to say "horse fucker".
Mrs. Cartman: Go on, honey. It's all right.
Cartman: Horse fu...
[gets shocked by the V-chip]
Cartman: That hurts, goddamnit!
[gets shocked again]
Dr. Vosknocker: Now I want you to say "big floppy donkey dick".
Cartman: No!
Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Success! The child doesn't want to swear!
Cartman: This isn't fair, you sons of bi...
[gets shocked repeatedly]

Sheila Broflovski: What the heck is a rimjob?
Mrs. Cartman: Why, that's where you put your legs behind your head and let someone lick your ass.

Mrs. Cartman: [singing "Blame Canada"] And my little boy eric, had my picture on his shelf / And now when he sees me he tells me to go fuck myself!

Mr. Mackey: I guess I'll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see Terrence & Phillip.
Cartman: Everybody's fucking seen it.
Mrs. Cartman: Eric!
Cartman: I'm sorry I can't help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Cartman: Mom? If you were in a German "scheisse" video, you... you'd tell me, right?
[short pause]
Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hon.

Chef: [singing] Everything worked out what a happy end. Americans and Canadians are friends again. So let's all join hands and knock oppression down.
Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Don't you know our little lives are now complete?
Mrs. Cartman, Sheila Broflovski: 'Cause Terrance and phillip are sweet.
Sheila Broflovski: Super sweet.
everyone: Thank God we live in this quiet, little pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash...
Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Kick-ass!
everyone: Mountain... town!

Cartman: [after seeing Kenny's ghost] Mom I saw him, I saw Kenny!
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, you poor dear! You've been through so much.
Cartman: I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire, and now he's all pissed off
[gets shocked]
Cartman: damn I can't say "pissed off" either!
[gets shocked again]

Sheila Broflovski: Kyle you are grounded for two weeks.
Sharon Marsh: You too Stan.
Mrs. Cartman: And you're grounded for three weeks Eric.
Cartman: Hey! Why am I grounded more that's fuckin' bullshit!
Mrs. Cartman: What, what, what? What was that word young man?

Eric Cartman: Mom, there's someone at the door.
[No reply]
Eric Cartman: Mom, I said there's someone at the door!
Mrs. Cartman: Coming, hun.
Eric Cartman: [as Liane walks past] Ay, I can't see the TV!
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, look Eric, It's your little friends!
Ike Broflovski: Fireman!
Eric Cartman: What are you guys doing here?
[Stan holds up the piece of paper with the movie ad on it]
Eric Cartman: Aw, sweet dudes! Yes, YEEES!


"South Park: Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut (#1.13)" (1998)
Eric Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Eric Cartman: Sure, hon.
Eric Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
Liane Cartman: Uh-huh
Eric Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?
Liane Cartman: Yes?
[silence]
Liane Cartman: Well, what's your question, hon?
Eric Cartman: GODDAMMIT, DO I HAVE A DAD?
Liane Cartman: Oh!
Eric Cartman: I wanna know where I came from.
Liane Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other...
Eric Cartman: Uh-huh...
Liane Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
[silence]
Eric Cartman: So WHO put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?

[Liane Cartman looks at a bunch of manly football players]
Liane Cartman: [orgasmic] Oh, Chef! Oh, CHEF!
Chef: Damn, woman, what's gotten into you?
Liane Cartman: WHOOPEE!

Liane Cartman: Chief, I want your hot man-chowder!
Chief Runningwater: Well, HEL-LO!

[Liane Cartman and Mr Garrison look at each other lovingly]
Chef: Awww, I'm out of here!
Liane Cartman: Oh, come on Chef, haven't you heard of a manage-o-three?
Chef: Sure, when I'm with two other WOMEN!


"South Park: HUMANCENTiPAD (#15.1)" (2011)
Liane Cartman: Then why did you go outside to a police officer and say "Help, help. My mom is trying to fuck me"?

Eric Cartman: Mama, please can we go back and get the Toshiba Handibook?
Liane Cartman: No.
Eric Cartman: Well, then can we at least pull up here and get some dinner? 'Cause I like to be wined and dined after I've been... FUCKED!


South Park: The Stick of Truth (2014) (VG)
Liane Cartman: [after being farted on by New Kid] Is that Spanish?


"South Park: Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery (#3.10)" (1999)
Stan Marsh: Come on, fatass, we have to go.
[Liane laughs]
Cartman: Mom, don't laugh!
Liane Cartman: I'm sorry, honey.
Cartman: I can't go with you guys right now.
Stan Marsh: Yes you can, Porky.
[Liane laughs]
Cartman: Mom, seriously!
Liane Cartman: Now, that isn't funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.
Kyle Broflovski: He must have a huge bone in his ass then.
[Liane laughs hysterically]
Cartman: GODDAMNIT MOM!


"South Park: Death (#1.6)" (1997)
[while Cartman is watching "Terrance and Phillip"]
Liane Cartman: Eric, dear. I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said this show is naughty, and might make you a pottymouth.
Eric Cartman: That's a bunch o' crap! Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!
Liane Cartman: Oh. Okay, hon.


"South Park: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (#1.1)" (1997)
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No kitty, this is my pot pie!
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, kitty! That's a bad kitty!
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, kitty! This is my pot pie!
Kitty: Hiss.
Cartman: Mom, kitty's being a dildo!
Liane Cartman: Well then, I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
Cartman: What?


"South Park: City on the Edge of Forever (#2.7)" (1998)
Eric Cartman: Mom, I just had the weirdest dream. I was dreaming that Stan and Kyle and Kenny and I were on a bus talking about everything that happened to us, only it was all wrong and everything ended with us eating ice cream.
Leann Cartman: Hmm, would you like some beetles?
Eric Cartman: Yes please.
Leann Cartman: Mmm, beetles go good with ice cream.


"South Park: Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society (#6.10)" (2002)
Liane Cartman: Sweetie.
Cartman: Yes Mom?
Liane Cartman: You have to get ready for school.
Cartman: [thinks a bit, then looks up] ... No, our teacher's dead. Remember?
Liane Cartman: Yes, but they said two weeks off was enough, and they want everyone back.
Cartman: Two weeks isn't enough. I'm not over our teacher's tragic death. I'm still sh-shooken up.
Liane Cartman: You'll get over it, honey.
Cartman: But I wanna plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy.


"South Park: Go God Go XII (#10.13)" (2006)
[Cartman is returned to 2006, where he paces around the store again]
Cartman: [beamed into his body and checks again] I'm back. Wow! I'm back!
Liane Cartman: There you are, Eric.
Cartman: Mom! Mom, they did it!
Liane Cartman: Eric, you have to come home. You can't just wait here for that game to come out.
Cartman: [happy, for once] No, I know. You're right, Mom. I need to learn to be patient. I think I can wait three weeks for the Nintendo Wii to come out.
Liane Cartman: But, honey, it's only September.
[she points to the window]
Liane Cartman: That... Nintendo Wii doesn't come out for two months.
Cartman: [shocked] What? No!
[runs up to the window and sees that his mom is right]
Cartman: [shouts] Nooo!
[turns around and moves away from the storefront]
Cartman: [shouts to the sky] You sent me back too far! Hey! Do it over!
Liane Cartman: [puzzled] Who are you talking to, muffin?
Cartman: I can't wait two months!
[runs back to the doors]
Cartman: I can't! There has to be a way around this!
Clerk: [appears with the phone] Hey, kid, somebody's on the phone for ya.
Cartman: [goes in the store to answer it] Hello?
Future Cartman: [voice from a screwed up future] Hello? Hello? I know what you're thinking! Do not do it! You just need to be patient and wait the two months! Do you hear me?
Cartman: [angry] Oh, suck my balls, Kyle!
[he hangs up the phone and leaves the store]