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Quotes for
Chef (Character)
from "South Park" (1997)

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South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)
Chef: Haven't you heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
General: I don't listen to hip-hop.

General: Now each battalion has a specific code-name and mission. Battalion 5, raise your hands!
[all the African American members put up their hands including Chef]
General: You will be the all important first defense wave, which we will call "Operation Human Shield".
Chef: Hey, wait a minute...
General: Now keep in mind, 'Operation Human Shield' will suffer heavy losses. But don't lose your spirit men! Stay until the bitter end. Battalion 14?
[all the White soldiers raise their hands]
General: Right, you are 'Operation Get Behind The Darkies'. You will follow Battalion 5 here and try not to get killed for God's Sake. Are there any questions men?
[Chef raises his hand]
General: Yes Soldier?
Chef: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
General: I don't listen to hip-hop!
Chef: Hey!

Chef: So finally, what a happy end / Americans and Canadians are friends again.

Chef: [singing] Everything worked out what a happy end. Americans and Canadians are friends again. So let's all join hands and knock oppression down.
Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Don't you know our little lives are now complete?
Mrs. Cartman, Sheila Broflovski: 'Cause Terrance and phillip are sweet.
Sheila Broflovski: Super sweet.
everyone: Thank God we live in this quiet, little pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash...
Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Kick-ass!
everyone: Mountain... town!

Chef: [singing] Everything worked out/What a happy end/Canadians and Americans are friends again.

Satan: You have spilled the blood of the innocent. Now begins two million years of Darkness.
Chef: Oh, good job Mrs. Broslofski. Thanks a lot!

Stan: Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?
Chef: Oh, that's easy. You just gotta find the clitoris.
Stan: Huh?
Chef: Whoops.

Satan: You have spilt the blood of the innocence, now begins 2,000,000 years of darkness!
Chef: [sarcastically] Oh, good job, Mrs. Broslofski! Thanks a lot!
Sheila Broslofski: [innocently] I was just trying to make the world a better place for children!
Saddam Hussein: Yeah, and brought enough intolerence in the world to allow my coming. Now everyone bow down to me!
[the Canadians and Americans do so]
Saddam Hussein: [laughs] Yeah!

Cartman: You should've seen Kyle when his mom showed up. He was scared out of his mind.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman: No dude, I'd be scared too, your mom is a fucking bitch.
Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!
Cartman: Don't call me fat you buttfucking son of a bitch!
Chef: Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that?
Cartman: It's pretty fucking sweet, huh?

"South Park: Pinkeye (#1.7)" (1997)
Chef: Doc, I've seen this kind of thing before. This ain't no pinkeye. It's the living dead. Dead people getting up and walking around. They have no heartbeat, breathing, or feeling. Observe.
[Chef pulls a patient's arm off]
Eye Doctor: Uh... Chef, Mr. Torez doesn't have pinkeye. He's here for a routine exam.

Chef: Damn it, boy! Why are you dressed up like that?
[Cartman is in a ghost costume, but it looks like a KKKlansman]
Cartman: [oblivious] I'm trying to trick-or-treat, goddammit!
Chef: Remind me to whoop your ass the next time I see you. Now get inside before the zombies get you!

Officer Barbady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually...
Mayot: Well I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
Officer Barbady: Not a thingy-dingy.

Stan Marsh: [fighting off a zombie] Okay, Chef, dial the hotline number!... Chef?
[Chef has become a zombie]
Kyle Broflovski: CHEF!
Chef: [singing] I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead / My body might be cold, but it's always hot in my bed / Make love, don't be afraid / Just because my heart ain't beating, don't mean you won't get LAID!
[lets out a whoop]
Stan Marsh: Let's get outta here!

Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh: [at Chef's house] Trick or...
[Chef appears brandishing chainsaws, scaring the crap out of them]
Chef: Get off my property, you brain-eating zombie bastards!
Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh: CHEF! IT'S US!
Chef: Oh! Sorry, children, I thought you were one of them!

Principal Victoria: Good morning there, children. I love the Elvis costume, Chef.
Chef: Elvis? I'm Evil Knievel! Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis?
Principal Victoria: Well, why the hell would you dress up like Eviel Knievel?

Chef: Get the hell outta here Johnson, I don't want any goddamned pink eye!

[Chef bursts in on the Mayor and Officer Barbrady]
Mayor: Why Chef, what a surprise.
Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually, uh...
Mayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese mafia.
Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.

"South Park: Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut (#1.13)" (1998)
Chef: [singing] When a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man... well, actually, sometimes the man doesn't really LOVE the woman, but he acts like he does because he want to get a little action, heh-heh. The magic starts to happen, and the two take off their clothes / they caress and hug each other until the part of the man grows / They're rolling around and things are really starting to get hot! And the man says, 'I love you' and the woman says, "Hang on a minute, I gotta go to the bathroom." So you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait... and you wait and you wait and you wait. You wait and you're coolin' down and she's still goin' to the bathroom! Finally, she comes back and she says, 'Ooh, Baby, I'm gettin' hot!' And that's when you've got to jab her foot and pump up full of...
Eric Cartman: WAIT! So who the hell did THAT to my mother?

[Cartman goes over to Chef's house, thinking he is part black and acting like such]
Chef: Boy, what the fudge are you doing?
Eric Cartman: You know just layin' down some rhymes, with the G-folk, know what I'm sayin...
Chef: Get in here!
[pulls Cartman in]
Eric Cartman: West Siiide...

[Liane Cartman looks at a bunch of manly football players]
Liane Cartman: [orgasmic] Oh, Chef! Oh, CHEF!
Chef: Damn, woman, what's gotten into you?
Liane Cartman: WHOOPEE!

Chef: Garrison, what the hell are you doing?
Mr Garrison: You're drunk, Mr Hat!

[Liane Cartman and Mr Garrison look at each other lovingly]
Chef: Awww, I'm out of here!
Liane Cartman: Oh, come on Chef, haven't you heard of a manage-o-three?
Chef: Sure, when I'm with two other WOMEN!

"South Park: Ike's Wee Wee (#2.4)" (1998)
Chef: Hello there, children!
Kyle Broflovski: Hey, Chef! How's it going?
Chef: Bad...
Kyle Broflovski: Why bad?
Chef: Children, I heard about what happened at school today! Now none of you tooked that nasty marijuana, did you?
Stan Marsh: No, dude! We never even saw it!
Chef: Okay, because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad.
Stan Marsh: We know, we know, that's what EVERYBODY says!
Chef: Right. But do you know WHY they're bad?
Kyle Broflovski: Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem, causing disease of both body and mind, the consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits.
Chef: And do you have ANY idea what that means?
Kyle Broflovski: No.
Eric Cartman: I know! Drugs are bad, because if you do drugs, you're a hippie! And hippies suck!
Chef: Just listen to this, children: DRUGS ARE BAD. Don't even try to find out about them. Remember, there's a time and place for everything... it's called college!

Kyle Broflovski: Hey, are you coming to Ike's bris this weekend?
Chef: Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!
Kyle Broflovski: What do you mean?
Chef: Don't you boys know what a bris is? They're going to circumcise him!
Eric Cartman: Eh, what's that?
Chef: Oh, boy. Here we go again...

Chef: Damn it, children! Why do I always have to be the one to explain all of this stuff to you? Ask your parents for once!
[drives away]
Kyle Broflovski: Hey, wait!... Dude, something tells me this "bris" thing isn't good...

Chef: There's a time and place for everything- and it's called college.

"South Park: Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls (#2.9)" (1998)
Chef: [singing] Say everybody have you seen my balls/They're big and salty and brown./If you ever need a quick pick-me-up./Just put my balls in your mouth./Ooh, suck on my chocolate salty balls - Stick 'em in your mouth/Put 'em in your mouth and you suck 'em and you suck 'em.

Chef: Try my newest concoction, I Just Went And Fuged Your Mama.
Cartman: Boy, he sure ran that into the ground.

Chef: Wife got you down? Boss makin' you angry? Kids yellin' at you? Well, fudge 'em.

"South Park: Conjoined Fetus Lady (#2.5)" (1998)
[after the South Park dodgeball team wins]
Chef: Hey, I'm real sorry we WHOOPED YOUR ASSES!
[starts dancing and singing]

Chef: Children, can you ever forgive me?
[the children, battered and wounded after the last round, glare at him]
Chef: Oh, come on!

Chef: How long until we get to Washington?
Mrs Crabtree: Sit down kid!
Chef: I just want to know how far it is to Washington?
Mrs Crabtree: I SAID SIT DOWN KID!
Chef: I just want to know how far it is to Washington you fat hog.
Mrs Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Chef: I said I wish I could go to Prague.
Mrs Crabtree: So do I.

"South Park: Tom's Rhinoplasty (#1.11)" (1998)
Chef: [gloomy] Hello there, children.
Cartman: Hey, Chef.
Kyle Broflovski: How did your date with miss Ellen go?
Chef: Not too good.
Stan Marsh: What happened? Didn't you make sweet lovin' to her?
Chef: No, no, no, she's not like that. You see, uh, how do I put this. Children, Miss Ellen doesn't exactly play for right team.
[children look puzzled]
Chef: I-I-I-In other words, children, she not a member of the *heterosexual persuasion*.
[the children still don't have a clue]
Chef: Don't you understand? She's a lesbian!
Stan Marsh: A whatbian?
Kyle Broflovski: A prebian?
Chef: You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
Stan Marsh: [to Kenny] Kenny?
[Kenny shrugs]
Stan Marsh: No, explain it to us, Chef.
Chef: That-That's okey, eh b... look, all you need to know is, Miss Ellen is a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.
Stan Marsh: Oh.
Chef: Now move along, children, you're holding up the line.
[they walk on]
Kyle Broflovski: Weak, dude! She only likes other lesbians?
Stan Marsh: Hey man, if she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians too!
Kyle Broflovski: Hey, yeah!
Cartman: You guys, you know what? My grandma was Dutch-Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian, that makes me quarter lesbian!

Chef: What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?
Kyle Broflovski: Miss Ellen, dude. She's *beautiful*!
Chef: Is she, like, Vanessa Williams beautiful or Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? Or is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rogers beautiful?
Stan Marsh: Yeah, that one.
Chef: Woo, I gotta meet this woman!

"South Park: It Hits the Fan (#5.1)" (2001)
Kyle: It said in my book that the word "shit" started the exact same time as something called "The Black Death".
Chef: The Black Death? Are you sure?
Stan Marsh: What's "The Black Death", Chef?
Chef: LaToya Jackson, children.

Excalibur employee: How could you foolish Americans bring the wrath of scorn by masschanting the word of wretchedness?
Chef: Er... yeah... We didn't mean to.
Excalibur employee: Didn't you realise "shit" is a curse word?
Stan Marsh: Well, yeah, but I don't think we knew that "curse word" meant... curse word.
Excalibur employee: Ha! Leave it to Americans to think that "no" means yes, "pissed" means angry, and "curse word" means something other than a word that's cursed!

"South Park: Weight Gain 4000 (#1.2)" (1997)
Jimbo: Uh-oh.
Chef: You know, Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman. I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way, or special in an extra value meal at Happy Burger way. No, no, no, no, no. I mean special, like the song of a hummingbird as it gets ready to find that female hummingbird and make sweet love to it all night long. Just two hummingbirds moaning and groaning and letting their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy.
Chef: Oh Kathie Lee / How I'd love to lay you down / And lick every inch of your body with my tongue. / Kathie Lee, you're my sexual fantasy. / How 'bout you and me get it together and make sweet love?

[last lines]
Kathie Lee Gifford: How about giving me some more of that sweet loving Chef.
Chef: DAMN WOMAN! I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago. Are you trying to kill me?

"South Park: Timmy 2000 (#4.3)" (2000)
Chef: Hello there children
Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny McCormick: [calmly] Hello Chef
Chef: How's it going?
Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny McCormick: [politely] Very well, thank you
Chef: [suspicious] Everything's fine? Why?
Stan: Because we're on Ritalin
Chef: What?
Kyle: We all have attention deficit disorder, so we all started taking Ritalin
Cartman: [talking like a stoner] It really takes the edge off man, you should try it
[takes a handful of pills]
Chef: So that's why all you children are acting so damned boring!
Kyle: That's correct Chef
Chef: Damnit, children, you don't need drugs to make you pay attention in school! In my day, if we didn't pay attention we got a belt to the bottom! Now they're tryin' to cure everything with drugs!

Chef: [about the children taking Ritalin] Oh it makes me sick! Those damned psychologists prescribe all kinds of medicines to you children without even caring about the side effects!
Stan: But there are no side effects Chef
Kyle: Not at all
Cartman: [hallucinates seeing a Christina Aguilera monster] Did you guys see that?
Stan: See what?

"South Park: Summer Sucks (#2.8)" (1998)
Chef: [singing] You, and me / simultaneous!

[last lines]
[Chef returns from his summer vacation]
Chef: Hello, everybody! I'm back!
[due to the ash around, everybody has a black face]
Chef: [offended] Okay, everybody get in line so I can whoop your asses!

"South Park: Cancelled (#7.1)" (2003)
Kyle: What is a proc-tologist, Chef?
Chef: He's a doctor that specializes in your asshole, children.
Stan: You mean at some point in this doctor's life, he decided he wanted to work on people's buttholes?
Chef: That's right.
Kyle: What a dick.

Proctologist: [diagnosing Cartman] Wait, what's this?
[a 20-meter-wide satellite dish deploys from Cartman's rectum]
Kyle: Are you okay?
Eric Cartman: Dude. You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome!
Chef: Well, doctor?
Proctologist: I've never quite seen this before, uh, p - perhaps he just needs some hemmorhoid cream.
[the satellite dish violently withdraws back inside Cartman]
Stan: You all right?
Eric Cartman: You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up inside your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALL RIGHT!

South Park Rally (2000) (VG)
Jerome 'Chef' McElroy: Winning is like makin' love. Oh, fudge, what am I saying?

"South Park: Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes (#8.9)" (2004)
Chef: Spread the word to other towns.

"South Park: Mecha-Streisand (#1.12)" (1998)
Chef: [during Mecha Streisand's reign of terror, a Japanese singer sings a generic theme song. Chef turns to him] Is that *really* necessary?

"South Park: Red Hot Catholic Love (#6.8)" (2002)
Kyle: What are you guys doing?
Stan: We had to go meet with this counselor lady... and she asked us if the priest ever put anything in our butts.
Kyle: In your butts?
Cartman: Yeah, isn't it the damndest thing?
Chef: [enters] Hello there, children!
Stan: Chef! What would a priest want to stick up my butt?
Chef: Goodbye!

"South Park: The Return of Chef (#10.1)" (2006)
[last lines]
Darth Chef: [being raised up, a la "Revenge of the Sith"] Hello there, children. How would you like my Salisbury Steak?
Super Adventure Club Head Explorer: Oh, yes.
Darth Chef: And then for dessert, you can suck on my chocolate salty balls.
Super Adventure Club Head Explorer: Oh, you mean like candy?
Darth Chef: No, I mean my balls!
Super Adventure Club Head Explorer: [laughs wickedly] Yes! Yes! YES!

"South Park: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig (#1.5)" (1997)
[Watching an elephant have sex with a pig]
Chef: Now I know how all those white women must have felt.

"South Park: The Succubus (#3.3)" (1999)
Chef's Father: [at Chef's rehearsal dinner] Could I have everyone's attention, please?
[crowd quiets]
Chef's Father: Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady.
Chef's Father: I'm very happy for them both.
[begins to choke back tears]
Chef's Father: Ooh, there I go - I told myself I wasn't gonna cry.
Chef: It's okay, pop.
Chef's Mother: Thomas, you're gonna get me going now.
[begins to tear up]
Chef's Father: I remember when Chef was just a three-year-old little man, he came runnin' into me with a big smile and his little chef's hat on, and he says to me, "Poppa, poppa." I said, "What do you need, Chef, my boy?" He said, "I need about tree-fitty."
Chef's Mother: Tree-fitty!
Chef's Father: Well, it was about that time I begin to get suspicious. I said, "Chef, my boy, why do you need tree-fitty?" He said, "My imaginary friend Boo-Boo the dinosaur wants it." So I went to my son's room, and sure enough, there was that damn Loch Ness Monster!
Chef's Mother: Lord, it was scary!
Chef's Father: I said, "Dammit, monster, you quit bugging my children, now. We work for our money in this house - we don't just give money away!"

"South Park: Kenny Dies (#5.13)" (2001)
Stan: Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my friend. Why can't God take someone else's friend?
Chef: [Soothing piano music is played] Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?
Stan: But then, why does God give us anything to start with?
Chef: Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothin' to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and help just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.

"South Park: Spontaneous Combustion (#3.2)" (1999)
Chef: You children shouldn't be crucifying yourselves in this heat.

"South Park: The Biggest Douche in the Universe (#6.15)" (2002)
[Chef's parents are exorcising Kenny's spirit from Cartman's body]
Chef's Pa: It's almost out! All right, son, now bring me the victim child!
Chef: The victim child?
Chef's Pa: Yeah, you know, the child that we sacrifice so we can put Kenny's soul into its body.
[Chef stares silently]
Chef's Ma: Oh Lord, they didn't bring a victim child.
Chef: Where were we gonna find a child to sacrifice?
Chef's Ma: We weren't gonna ask you where you got it from.

"South Park: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (#1.1)" (1997)
[Addressing an alien spacecraft]
Chef: Hey, down here. We are ready for your wisdom. And you only got twenty minutes before Sanford and Son is on.

"South Park: Volcano (#1.3)" (1997)
Officer Barbrady: All right people. The mayor wanted everyone to see this educational film. So please try to pay attention okay?
Voiceover: This is Jenny. She and her family are having a picnic at the foot of a volcano. Oh no. The volcano has errupted. What do you do now Jenny? That's right duck and cover. What do you do Jimmy? Duck and cover. DUCK AND COVER!
Officer Barbrady: Any questions?
Chef: That has got to be the biggest piece of cah cah many bullspit I have ever heard in my life.
Officer Barbrady: That's enough out of you wise guy.

"South Park: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride (#1.4)" (1997)
Chef: You've got to hold the football like you would hold your lover. Gently, yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh, yes. Just like making sweet love to the football. Be naughty with the football. Mmmm, spank it. Ever so gently. Spank it. Oh, uh, sorry, children.

"South Park: Proper Condom Use (#5.7)" (2001)
Chef: Look, schools are teaching condom use to younger and younger students each day, but sex isn't something that should be taught in text books and diagrams; sex is emotional and spiritual - it needs to be taught by family. I know it can be hard, parents, but if you leave it up to the school to teach kids, you don't know who they're learning it from. It could be someone who doesn't know, someone who has a bad opinion of it, or even a complete pervert.
[panning from Mr. Mackey, to Chokesondick, and then to Mr. Garrison]
Mr. Garrison: What? Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell's that supposed to mean?

"South Park: The Simpsons Already Did It (#6.7)" (2002)
Stan Marsh: [Explaining their situation to Chef] We killed our teacher and they found our sea men in her stomach!
Chef: Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up.
Chef: [singing]
Chef: Sometimes you kill your teacher, and they find your semen in her stomach, and...
Chef: [stops singing]
Chef: Wait! What the - WHAT?