Kyle Broflovski
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Quotes for
Kyle Broflovski (Character)
from "South Park" (1997)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)
[Kenny has just died in the hospital]
Cartman: I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him a hundred dollars.
Kyle: It's not your fault, Cartman.
Cartman: Dude, I know, I'm just fuckin' stoked I don't have to pay him.
Kyle: Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!

Brian Dennehy: Did someone say my name?
Stan: Who are you?
Brian Dennehy: I'm Brian Dennehy.
Kyle: What? No, not fuckin' Brian Dennehy!
Stan: Get the fuck out of here!
Brian Dennehy: Oh. Bye.

[person speaking German on "cliteris" website]
Kyle: Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!
Stan: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?
Cartman: Oh, very funny!
Kyle: Hey! It IS Cartman's mom!
Mrs. Cartman: [man speaking German on computer] All righty then!
Cartman: SON OF A BI...
[shocks]
Cartman: AHHH!
Ike: [bounces in] Ba ba ba ba.
Kyle: Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff!
Ike: Bullshit.
Stan: What's she doing now?
German: Essen meine scheisse.
Mrs. Cartman: Okey-dokey!
Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [they see something gross] AWWWWWW!
Stan: [pukes] Click it off, dude, click it off!
[Kyle clicks it off]
Stan: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?

Cartman: [to Kyle] Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Cartman: Jew?
Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: Fuck!
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison: [angrily] How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
[the whole class gasps]
Mr. Garrison: [furiously] What did you say?
Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...
[Cartman picks up a megaphone]
Cartman: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?
[Mr. Garrison is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth]
Stan: Holy shit, dude.

[the boys have just watched an edited version of "Asses of Fire" and are leaving the theater with the other kids, past the ticket booth again]
Kyle: Man, this movie gets better every time I see it!
Ticket Taker: Hey!
Cartman: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yeah, you can!
Cartman: [stops and turns] No way.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. You can *too* light a fart on fire.
Cartman: Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a fart on fire.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. Check it out.
[he lights his fart on fire and laughs; his parka suddenly erupts in flames and he screams in horror; the boys are shocked]
Stan: Holy shit, dude!
Cartman: Ah! Oh my God! Hey!
[begins beating Kenny with a stick]
Cartman: Aw, shit! Aw, shit!
Stan: [steps forward and yells] Help! Somebody do something!
[he steps back and the stick lights up]
Cartman: Aahh! This stick is on fire!
[an ambulance rushes up and stops, but a Russell's Salt truck rushes up and bumps it away; the truck bed lifts up at the front end and dumps the salt on Kenny; if the fire was injury, this is insult]
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Ooowww!
[the ambulance siren dies and the salt doesn't move; the boys stare at the truck]
Stan: Oh my God, you killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Cartman: Wow, I guess you *can* light a fart on fire, huh?

Cartman: It was the Terrence & Phillip movie.
Kyle: Dude!
Cartman: What? Fuck you guys. I wanna get out of here.

Kyle: Let me have some candy, Cartman.
Cartman: Let's see, hmm, nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.
Kyle: Fine! Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy!

Stan: Wait, before we put a message out, do a search on the word clitoris.
Kyle: Hmm OK Found: 8,000,000 pages found with the word clitoris.

Chef: [singing] Everything worked out what a happy end. Americans and Canadians are friends again. So let's all join hands and knock oppression down.
Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Don't you know our little lives are now complete?
Mrs. Cartman, Sheila Broflovski: 'Cause Terrance and phillip are sweet.
Sheila Broflovski: Super sweet.
everyone: Thank God we live in this quiet, little pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash...
Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Kick-ass!
everyone: Mountain... town!

[singing]
Stan: What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? / He'd make a plan and follow through, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Kyle: When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the Gold, / he did two salchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold!
Cartman: When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears / he used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair!
Stan, Kyle: So what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? / I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Cartman: I want this V-chip out of me. / It has stunted my vocabulary.
Kyle: And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone.
Stan: For Wendy I'll be an activist too, / 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: And what would Brian Boitano do? He'd call all the kids in town / and tell them to unite for truth, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
[intermission]
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010, / he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again!
Cartman: And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids he beat up Kublai Khan!
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: 'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody! / So let's call all the kids together / and unite to stop our moms. / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Kyle: Hey, Mole, be careful.
The Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?
Stan: Man, that kid is fucked up!

[Just finished watching Terrence and Phillip's motion picture]
Kyle: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
Cartman: You bet your fuckin' ass it was!
Stan: Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrence and Phillip!

Kyle: You are all just a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers!

Cartman: Hey dudes!
Kyle: What's the matter Cartman?
Cartman: It's this V-Chip, I hate it! I can't say any dirty words
Kyle: Really? So you can't say Fuck?
Cartman: No!
Kyle: And you can't say Shit?
Cartman: No!
Kyle: So you can't say I'm Eric Cartman the Fattest fucking piece of Shit in the world?
Cartman: FUCK YOU!
[gets shocked by the V-chip]
Cartman: AHHH!
Kyle: Ewwww... Sweet!

Gregory: I'm here for "la resistance."
Kyle: What's the password?
Gregory: I don't know.
Kyle: Guess.
Gregory: Uhhh... bacon.
Kyle: ...okay.

Mr. Mackey: I want to know where you heard all this horrific obscenities, m'kay?
Kyle: Nowhere.
Stan: We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.
Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr Garrison ever said: "Eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker".

Stan: Hey, guys. Do you know where I can find the clitoris?
Kyle: The what?
Cartman: What, is that like finding Jesus or something?

Kyle: WUUUUaaahh! WUUUaaaaahhhhh!
Soldier: Hey, you hear that? Sounds like a giraffe's dying over there!

Stan: We're "La Resistance," we want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.
The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded in my room for the next three days.
Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.
Stan: Why are you grounded?
The Mole: Why? Because God hates me, that's why. He has made my life miserable. So I call him a cock-sucking asshole, and I get grounded.

Kyle: Come on, Ike! Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby.
[runs and kicks Ike through a window]

Eric Cartman: More people will come if they think we have punch and pie.
Kyle: [typing] Punch and pie.

The Mole: Hold me.
[coughs]
The Mole: There is no hope now, you must get out of here.
Kyle: We can't leave without you!
The Mole: It's okay, I'm done for.
Kyle: No! We can't leave without you! We don't know where the hell we are!
The Mole: Were is your God when you need him, huh? Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now?
[coughs]
The Mole: Here I come, God. Here I come, you fucking rat.
The Mole: [singing] Now the light, she fades... and darkness settles in... but I will find strength...
Kyle: No, Mole, hang on...
The Mole: [singing] I will find pride within...
Kyle: We'll get you home...
The Mole: [singing] Because although I die...
Kyle: I can't face my mother...
The Mole: [singing] Our freedom will be won...
Kyle: Not alone!
The Mole: [singing] Though I die... La Resistance lives... on... BLECHHHHH!
[dies]
The Mole: [dramatic music starts]
Kyle: [cutting the orchestra off suddenly] SHIT!

Kyle: You don't think they're really going to kill Terrence and Phillip, do you?
Cartman: Kyle you need to stop being such a chicken shit and stand up to your mother!, you need to smack her in the face and say that's enough of your shit you fucking bitch!

Cartman: Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that good anyway.
Kyle: Cartman! What the hell are you talking about? You LOVE Terrance and Philiip!
Cartman: Yeah, but the animation is all crappy.

Cartman: You should've seen Kyle when his mom showed up. He was scared out of his mind.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman: No dude, I'd be scared too, your mom is a fucking bitch.
Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!
Cartman: Don't call me fat you buttfucking son of a bitch!
Chef: Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that?
Cartman: It's pretty fucking sweet, huh?

Kyle: Ok. Let's try this one more time. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike Broflovski: Don't kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Kicks Ike through a window, causing it to shatter]
Sheila Broflovski: Ike! You broke ANOTHER window! That's a bad baby! Baaaaaad baby!
Stan Marsh: Kyle, we're going to see the Terrance and Phillip movie!
Kyle: Oh my god, dude!
Sheila Broflovski: Kyle! Where are you going?
Kyle: Uuh, we're going ice-skating.
Sheila Broflovski: Well take your little brother with you.
[Ike bounces up to Kyle]
Kyle: Aww, come on, ma! He's not even my real brother. He's adopted!
Sheila Broflovski: DO AS I SAY, KYLE!
Kyle: Ok, ok, I'm sorry!

Eric Cartman: I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.
Kyle: Your "behind"?
Eric Cartman: I have to say "behind" because I get shocked if I say "ass".
[VChip activates]
Eric Cartman: AGH!

Sheila Broflovski: Nooo!
[shoots Terrence and Phillip with a gun]
Kyle: Holy shit, dude!
Sheila Broflovski: Young man, you watch your mouth.
[blood oozes out of Phillip's body]

Cartman, Kyle, Stan: [singing] Why did our mothers start this war? What the fuck are they fighting for? When did this song become a marathon?

Cartman: You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman.
Cartman: Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club and all because she's a big fat stupid bit...
Kyle: Don't say it, Cartman.
Cartman: Well...
Kyle: Don't do it, Cartman.
Cartman: Well...
Kyle: I'm warning you!
Cartman: Okay, okay.
Kyle: I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a...
[gasps]
Cartman: Well... Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, she a bitch to all the boys and girls.
Kyle: Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!
Cartman: On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch, then on Sunday just to be different she's a super king kamehameha bee-otch! Come on, you all know the words. Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this.
[sings the song in four different languages]
Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!
[Mrs. Broflovski turns up, the children gasp and Cartman doesn't notice]
Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch!
Stan: Uh, Cartman?
Cartman: Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. I really mean it, Kyle's mom... She's a big fat fucking biiitch! Big old fat fucking bitch, that mom... Yeah! Chaa!
[the children stare at Cartman]
Cartman: What?
[Cartman turns around seeing Mrs. Broflovski]
Cartman: Oh... Fuck!


"South Park: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (#1.1)" (1997)
Kyle: Sorry about your ass!
Cartman: Goddamn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream!
Kyle: Why are you walking so funny, Cartman?
Cartman: Shut up!

Kyle: Kick the baby!

Kyle: Okay Cartman, we got out of school. You can stop farting fire now.

Eric Cartman: I dreamed I was standing out in a field, and there was this huge satellite dish stickin' out of my butt. And there were hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship, and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
Stan: That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened.
Eric Cartman: Oh, right. Why don't I have pinkeye, then?
Kyle: Cartman, you do have pinkeye.
[last lines]
Eric Cartman: Oh, son of a b - - .

[Wendy has just given Stan a note]
Kyle: What does the note say?
Stan: Holy Crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school!
Kyle: Whoa. Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue!
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her!
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
Kenny McCormick: [Kenny laughs; the others get it and join in]

[Wendy has just given Stan a note]
Kyle: What does the note say?
Stan: Holy Crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school!
Kyle: Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue!
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Or you could slide your finger up her pussy!
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat- oh.
[Kenny laughs]

Kyle: Dude, what does the note say?
Stan: [glances at it] Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.
[look of wonder on his face]
Kyle: Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny: [muffled] Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
[Kenny waits to see if the others got the message, then laughs; the rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant]

Kyle: Time for "Kick the Baby!"
Ike Broflovski: [mumble] Don't kick da baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[kicks Ike]

Kyle Broflovski: Please Mr. Garrison, can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know Kyle, did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle Broflovski: I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
Mr. Garrison: Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle Broflovski: Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison: [as Mr. Hat] Well Kyle, NO! YA HEAR ME? YOU GO 'TA HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!
[as himself]
Mr. Garrison: Well Kyle, I guess you'll have to take you're seat.
Kyle Broflovski: Dammit!
Eric Cartman: Ha ha, Mr. Hat yelled at you!

Kyle: [Kyle's brother Ike is being kidnapped by the aliens] We have to do something!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything for now... That fat bitch won't let us!
Mrs. Crabtree: [shouts] What did you say?
Stan: I-I said that rabbits eat lettuce!
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh... Well yes, they certainly do...

[first lines]
Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny: [singing] School days, school days / dear old golden rule...
Kyle: Aww, dammit! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again!
Ike: E bonanner!
Kyle: Ike, you can't come to school with me!
Cartman: Yeah, go home you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!
Stan: What's a dildo?
Kyle: I don't know. And I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!
Cartman: I know what it means!
Kyle: Well, what?
Cartman: [pause] I'm not telling you!
Stan: What's a dildo, Kenny?
[Kenny mumbles through his snow suit, then Cartman and Stan laugh]

Mrs. Crabtree: Let's go! Get on the bus!
Kyle: Sure... whatever you bitch.
Mrs. Crabtree: [shouts] What did you say?
Kyle: Uh... I said that I've got an itch.


"South Park: Pinkeye (#1.7)" (1997)
Kyle Broflovski: Up yours Tina Yothers!

Cartman: Well, let's get home, start eating that candy.
Kyle Broflovski: We can eat it at Cartman's house, and see more naughty pictures of his mom!
Stan Marsh: Yeah!
Cartman: Knock it off, you guys! She said she was young, and needed the money!
Stan Marsh: Cartman, those pictures were taken, like, last month!
Cartman: [Incomprehensible grumble] ... screw you guys!

Kyle: Oh my GOD! I killed Kenny. You BASTARD!

Kyle Broflovski: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Eric Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

Eric Cartman: What are you supposed to be, Stan, Howdy Doody?
Stan Marsh: No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fatass!
Eric Cartman: Oh, heh, wow, you you look pretty cool.
[laughs]
Kyle Broflovski: Sissy!
[laughs]
Stan Marsh: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
Eric Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbie's all pissed off!

Eric Cartman: Why don't you go back to Endor, you stupid wookie?
Kyle Broflovski: Wookies don't live on Endor!

Stan Marsh: [fighting off a zombie] Okay, Chef, dial the hotline number!... Chef?
[Chef has become a zombie]
Kyle Broflovski: CHEF!
Chef: [singing] I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead / My body might be cold, but it's always hot in my bed / Make love, don't be afraid / Just because my heart ain't beating, don't mean you won't get LAID!
[lets out a whoop]
Stan Marsh: Let's get outta here!

Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh: [at Chef's house] Trick or...
[Chef appears brandishing chainsaws, scaring the crap out of them]
Chef: Get off my property, you brain-eating zombie bastards!
Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh: CHEF! IT'S US!
Chef: Oh! Sorry, children, I thought you were one of them!

Kyle Broflovski: Hey, dudes.
Stan Marsh: Oh good, you're here. Now, let's make sure that we got everything. Flashlight?
Eric Cartman: Check!
Stan Marsh: Plastic pumpkin pails?
Kyle Broflovski: Check!
Stan Marsh: Taser?
Kyle Broflovski: What's that?
Stan Marsh: For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, granola pisses me off.

[at Kenny's grave]
Kyle Broflovski: He was too young to be taken away from us...
Stan Marsh: Dude, you're the one who cut him in half with a chainsaw!


"South Park: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo (#1.9)" (1997)
Cartman: [singing] Well, Kyle's mom's a bitch she's a big fat bitch. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide. She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch. She's a bitch to all the boys and girls.
Kyle: Shut up Cartman
Mr. Hankey: Hideho!
Kyle: Mr Hankey.
Cartman: Yes Kyle's mom's a bitch she's a big fat bitch.
Mr. Hankey: Golly that isn't very nice. I sure would like to teach him lesson.
Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, she's a stupid bitch. Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a stupid dirty bitch. Kyle's mom is a bitch.

Kyle: [singing] It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas My Friends won't let me join in any games... And I can't sing Christmas songs Or decorate a Christmas tree... Or leave water out for Rudolph 'cause there's something wrong with me... My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity... I'm a Jew, a lonely Jew... on Christmas.

Cartman: You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman: Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club and all because she's a big, fat, stupid bi...
Kyle: Dont say it, Cartman!
Cartman: [singing] Well...
Kyle: Don't do it, Cartman!
Cartman: [singing] Well...
Kyle: I'm warning you!
Cartman: OK, OK.
Kyle: I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a...
Cartman: [singing] Well, Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls!
Kyle: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, CARTMAN!
Cartman: [singing] On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch, then on Sunday just to be different she's a super king kamehameha biatch! Come on, you all know the words!
[all join in]
Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean, old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch! Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch!
[all]
Cartman: Bitch! Talked to kids around the world, it might go a little something like this...
[singing in Chinese]
Cartman: [singing in French]
[singing in Dutch]
Cartman: [singing in African] Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean, old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!
[all gasp]
Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch! I really mean it, Kyle's mom... SHE'S A BIG, FAT FUCKING BITCH! A big, ol', fat, fuckin bitch right now! Yeah! Cha!
[everyone stares at Cartman]
Cartman: What?
[turns around]
Cartman: Oh, fuck.

Kyle: I told you NOT to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

Mayor McDaniels: Okay, just what the heck is going on here, people?
Citizen: Mayor, we are deeply offended by the nativity scene in front of the state office. Church and state are separate!
Crowd: Yeah!
Sheila Broflovski: That isn't all, Mayor. The school play is doing a nativity scene. It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community.
Mr. Garrison: You ARE the Jewish community!
Cartman: Oh boy. Super bitch is at it again!
Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Father Maxey: Mayor, the nativity is what Christmas is about. If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all that garbage too!
Crowd: Hallelujah! Amen!
Tree Lover: And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!
Crowd: Yeah!
Jimbo Kern: And I am sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids. If you don't want to spill your coffee, then you shouldn't be driving with it!
[pause]
Crowd: Yeah!

[Kyle tries to catch a snowflake on his tongue]
Cartman: Hey! What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow.
Kyle: We can too!
Stan: No, I think it's against the law, dude.
Kyle: Officer Barbrady!
Officer Barbrady: [while stopping a car] What?
Kyle: Is it illegal for Jews to eat Christmas snow?
Officer Barbrady: Yes.
Kyle: Dammit!

Stan: [Kyle arrives at the bus stop with a box] What's in the box dude?
Kyle: It's a surprise
Cartman: Let me see!
Kyle: Oh okay but don't scare him
[opens the box to reveal Mr. Hankey as an inanimate turd]
Stan: Dude, sick!
Cartman: Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?
Kenny: [muffled] That is the sickest think I have ever fucking seen!
Kyle: Wait you guys he's alive!
[shakes box to no avail]
Stan: Kyle I think you'd better get home and get some sleep
Kyle: [shakes box harder] Come on dance, dance!, dance damn you!


"South Park: Mecha-Streisand (#1.12)" (1998)
Kyle Broflovski: [yelling to Robert Smith as he disappears into the distance] "Disintegration" is the best album EVER!

[Barbra Streisand has disguised herself to trick the boys into giving her the magic Triangle]
Barbra Streisand: I want to give you a big cash reward for findsing it. It's worth a lot of money to me.
Eric Cartman: It is?
Stan Marsh: Hey, no wonder that Barbra Streisand lady wanted it.
Barbra Streisand: Oh!
[giggles nervously]
Barbra Streisand: Who is that?
Kyle Broflovski: Oh, just this really, really old lady who wishes she was still only forty-five.
[Boys laugh, Barbra Streisand grinds her teeth]
Stan Marsh: Yeah, and you should have seen her nose! It was big enough to land Stealth Bombers on!
[Boys laugh again, Barbra Streisand desperately tries to restrain herself]
Eric Cartman: Yeah! And talk about a bitch, I haven't seen...
Barbra Streisand: *Enough*!

Kyle Broflovski: Wait. Isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?
Eric Cartman: No, not when money's involved, stupid!

Tom the News Reader: ...and finally tonight, a young boy from South Park, Colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today. Here with a special report is a quadraplegic Swiss man on a pony.
[cuts to Quadraplegic Swiss man]
Quadraplegic Swiss Man: Thanks, Tom, the little eight year old was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object.
Kyle Broflovski: Well, I was just digging around, and I was all like, 'dude, I found this triangle' and my friends were like, 'dude' and I was all like 'dude.'
Eric Cartman: ...and I told him. I said, 'Kyle, I will kick you in the nuts.' But he didn't give it back to me. So I kicked him squa' - in the nuts, and he cried - like Nancy Kerrigan!
Kyle Broflovski: You liar, Cartman!
Eric Cartman: [off-camera] Screw you, triangle thief!
Quadraplegic Swiss Man: And so, the little boy will take his discovery home and perhaps donate it to science... mwell a little later. Back to you, Dave.
Tom the News Reader: Thanks, Tom. Those are some cute, cute kids, except for that last one-he's a little tubby.
Eric Cartman: [popping up before the camera] Eeyy!

Eric Cartman: [after the boys are forced to endure Streisand's singing] Okay, okay! I'll tell where the triangle is. It's inside my shoe.
[Milo approaches and removes his right shoe]
Kyle Broflovski: Aagh! For Christ's sake, Cartman, when was the last time you changed your socks?
Eric Cartman: And I suppose *your* socks smell like the Botanical Gardens?

Kyle Broflovski: But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always end up dead.


"South Park: Make Love, Not Warcraft (#10.8)" (2006)
Eric Cartman: [shouting at Stan, Kyle, and Kenny playing basketball] What the hell are you guys doing? Don't tell me you all quit playing World of Warcraft, too?
Stan Marsh: Dude, we're done! We're sick of getting killed all the time!
Eric Cartman: Guys! When things look bad you can't just give up on the World... of Warcraft...
Kyle: We don't have a choice, dude. That guy killed our characters 14 times.
Eric Cartman: I have a solution, you guys. That guy can kill us so easily because he's a super-highlevel, right? But if we were super-highlevel, too...?
Stan Marsh: We can't get to a higher level because that dude doesn't let us finish quests!
Eric Cartman: That's why we need to just log in and stay in the forest, killing boars...
Kyle: [looking at Cartman in disbelief] Boars...?
Eric Cartman: There's lots of computer-generated boars in Warcraft that die with just one blow...
Kyle: [trying to convice Cartman to give it up] Dude! Boars are only worth two experience points a piece. Do you know how many we would have to kill to get up 30 levels?
Eric Cartman: [pulls out a piece of paper] Yes. 65,340,285, which should take us 7 weeks, 5 days, 13 hours and 20 minutes, giving ourselves 3 hours a night to sleep. What do you say, guys? You can jus... you can just hang outside in the sun all day tossing a ball around. Or you can sit at your computer and do something that matters...

[the four World of Warcraft characters walk through the land of Azeroth]
Cartman: I am the mightiest dwarf in all of Azeroth!
Kyle: [female mage] Wow, look at all these people playing right now.
Cartman: Yeah, it's bullcrap. I'll bet half of these people are Koreans.
Stan: [stops and motions] Oh crap! It's *that* guy again!
[a rogue griefer approaches them and begins to dance, wearing a helmet, boots, elbow-length gloves and tight shorts]
Kyle: Who is this?
Stan: This is the guy that kept killing us after you went to bed!
Cartman: [angry at the griefer] Get out of here, asshole!
Stan: He's a way higher level than us. It isn't fair.
Kyle: It's all right. He can't kill us unless we agree to duel.
[the griefer's character stabs Kenny the hunter, killing him instantly]
Stan: [shocked] Oh my God, he killed Kenny!
Kyle: [in a soft feminine voice, making a fist and holding it up for emphasis] You bastard!
[the griefer kills both Kyle the mage and Stan the warrior]
Cartman: [furious at the griefer] Don't you have better things to do than going online killing people?
[the griefer begins generating mana power]
Cartman: [running off] No! I don't want to start over at the graveyard!
[the griefer shoots a fireball at Cartman the dwarf]
Cartman: No!
[the fireball hits Cartman, killing him instantly; at his room, Cartman looks stunned and throws down his headset]
Cartman: That son of a bitch!
Kyle: [scene shifts to Gerald's den] Who is that guy?
[scene shifts to Randy's den]
Stan: [head resting on left hand] Whoever he is, he is one tough badass.

[scenes from World of Warcraft are shown; various beings mill around, then the camera pans down and a red-bearded dwarf with a mallet walks into view]
Cartman: [the dwarf] Oh, dude! I just took the biggest crap. Hey, where are you guys?
Kyle: [voice only] We're over here, by the cart.
[POV switches to other characters; a blue warrior, a female green mage and an orange hunter stand around waiting for the dwarf, who walks into the group]
Cartman: Okay, I'm back.
Stan: [the blue warrior with a sword and shield] Dude! We've been waiting forever!
Cartman: Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a dump!
Kyle: [the female green mage] If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!
Cartman: Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a frickin' girl!
Kenny: [the orange hunter, muffled] I think Kyle has fake titties, ha ha!
Cartman: [laughing] Totally, heheh.
Kyle: Come on, we have to finish the quest in Stonehaven.
[his character walks off, and the others follow her]
Randy Marsh: [voice only] Stan?
[Stan stops]
Randy Marsh: Staaan?
Stan: Hang on, guys, my dad wants something.
[Stan's character waits for his father Randy to show up]

[the World of Warcraft characters are fighting the griefer without stop]
Cartman: [dwarf] Kyle! Fire spell!
Kyle: [female mage, about to cast a spell] Aaaa...
[starts generating the spell, but it abruptly goes out]
Kyle: Ah! Huh?
[she grabs her right wrist with her left hand]
Stan: [warrior, shocked] Kyle!
[back at Cartman's basement, Kyle leaves his desk and grabs his right hand, flexing his right wrist around; Stan leaves his desk and approaches]
Stan: Kyle! Dude, what's wrong?
Kyle: Carpal tunnel! Carpal tunnel! It's... uuugh!
[pain shoots through his wrist as he continues flexing it and stretching his fingers]
Stan: Oh, Jesus, he got it bad!
Cartman: [walks over] Wait, we need Ben-Gay.
[waddles over to Kenny's desk and pulls out a tube of the stuff, then walks back, squirts some of it onto Kyle's wrist, and rubs it in]
Stan: Hurry, dude!
Cartman: I'm going as fast as I can!
Stan: Kyle, you have to keep playing.
Kyle: I can't. Just leave me behind.
Stan: We can't do this without you now! Come on!
[he and Cartman help Kyle back into his computer]

[the boys are still playing in Cartman's basement]
Stan: Dude, I'm almost dead.
Cartman: Kyle, cast Arcane Missle.
Kyle: I'm out of Mana, I told you.
[back at the game, Stan the warrior pulls further away from the battle with the griefer]
Stan: I've gotta heal.
[he turns around to see the battle]
Randy Marsh: [voice only] Stan!
[Stan the warrior looks around trying to determine where the voice is coming from, then turns around to see Randy's character Valkorn running toward him]
Stan: Dad? Not now!
Randy Marsh: [Valkorn the warrior] Stan! I've been sent here... to bring you this.
[he holds the Sword of a Thousand Truths aloft]
Randy Marsh: This sword can completely drain his Mana.
Stan: Dad, how did you get that?
Randy Marsh: No time! Just take it! Here!
[he finds that the sword stays fixed to his left hand]
Randy Marsh: ...How... how do you hand something from one player to another?
Stan: Bring up your inventory screen: Control-I...
Randy Marsh: Okay.
[Stan throws away his old sword to get the new one]

[back in battle, the griefer sees Stan the warrior about to get the Sword of a Thousand Truths from Valkorn]
Cartman: [the dwarf, alarmed and turning to Stan] Stan, what the hell are you doing?
[the griefer runs to Stan and Valkorn, about to strike them]
Stan: [clutching the new sword] I got it!
[the griefer stabs Valkorn, who screams in pain]
Stan: [shocked] Dad!
Randy Marsh: [Valkorn the warrior, moaning] Stan...
[he falls down face first]
Stan: Dad, no!
[he turns around to face the griefer]
Stan: You killed my father!
[he walks up to the griefer and strikes him with one blow of the sword; the griefer's defenses start to crack]
Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down!
Kyle: [female mage] Attack!
[Kenny the hunter shoots an arrow into the griefer's chest; the griefer picks up Stan's old sword and Kyle fires an energy ball at the griefer, disabling him and having him fall to the ground on all fours]
Cartman: [approaching the griefer's character] Looks like you're about to get powned.
[he swings back and pulls the mallet forward]
Cartman: Heeyahh!
[the mallet smashes the head of the griefer's character into bits, while the griefer, in his apartment, is shocked that he is out of the game for good]


"South Park: Tom's Rhinoplasty (#1.11)" (1998)
Chef: [gloomy] Hello there, children.
Cartman: Hey, Chef.
Kyle Broflovski: How did your date with miss Ellen go?
Chef: Not too good.
Stan Marsh: What happened? Didn't you make sweet lovin' to her?
Chef: No, no, no, she's not like that. You see, uh, how do I put this. Children, Miss Ellen doesn't exactly play for right team.
[children look puzzled]
Chef: I-I-I-In other words, children, she not a member of the *heterosexual persuasion*.
[the children still don't have a clue]
Chef: Don't you understand? She's a lesbian!
Stan Marsh: A whatbian?
Kyle Broflovski: A prebian?
Chef: You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
Stan Marsh: [to Kenny] Kenny?
[Kenny shrugs]
Stan Marsh: No, explain it to us, Chef.
Chef: That-That's okey, eh b... look, all you need to know is, Miss Ellen is a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.
Stan Marsh: Oh.
Chef: Now move along, children, you're holding up the line.
[they walk on]
Kyle Broflovski: Weak, dude! She only likes other lesbians?
Stan Marsh: Hey man, if she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians too!
Kyle Broflovski: Hey, yeah!
Cartman: You guys, you know what? My grandma was Dutch-Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian, that makes me quarter lesbian!

[the boys enter Cartman's house, and see him licking the carpet]
Stan Marsh: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman: My Mom said if you want to become a lesbian, you have to lick carpet.
Kyle Broflovski: Really?
Stan Marsh: Well, I got a Indigo Girls CD, the guy at the record store said it was perfect
[puts the CD in the player]
Stan Marsh: .
Kyle Broflovski: I got these killer Birkenstocks.
[the boys all start licking the carpet while the Indigo Girls are playing]
Stan Marsh: This is a bunch a' crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!

Stan Marsh: I can't wait for Miss Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am!
Cartman: I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
Stan Marsh: No, you're a fatter lesbian than me!
Kyle Broflovski: Screw you, guys, I am King lesbian!

Wendy Testaberger: [sees the rocket with Miss Ellen in it headed for the sun through a shoebox telescope and smiles] Bye Bye Miss Ellen
Kyle Broflovski: [Shocked] You didn't!
Wendy Testaberger: [takes the shoebox away to reveal disoriented eyes] I told her "Don't... fuck... with... WENDY... TESTABERGER!"

Cartman: [about Miss Ellen] She wasn't looking at you, buttlord, she was looking at me!
Kyle Broflovski: Well that goes without saying, fatass. How could she help but look at you?
Stan Marsh: You guys can stop fighting. It was *me* she was checking out.
Cartman: Until you puked on her.

Chef: What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?
Kyle Broflovski: Miss Ellen, dude. She's *beautiful*!
Chef: Is she, like, Vanessa Williams beautiful or Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? Or is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rogers beautiful?
Stan Marsh: Yeah, that one.
Chef: Woo, I gotta meet this woman!


"South Park: The Return of Chef (#10.1)" (2006)
Kyle: We shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us, We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.

Kyle: [Speaking at Chef's funeral] We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us feel hurt and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm gonna remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm gonna remember Chef as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that little fruity club for scrambling his brains.

Chef: Hello there, children!
The Boys: Hey Chef.
Chef: How's it going?
Kyle: Good.
Chef: Well, how about I meet you boys after work and we make love?
Eric Cartman: Excuse me?
Chef: Come on, children. You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweet love.
Kyle: Chef? Are you okay?
Chef: I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle.
Stan: Dude, what are you saying?
Chef: [singing] I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children.
Stan: [after a long pause] WHAT?

Kyle: Chef, the police are asking questions about you.
Chef: Oh, really? Well, let's all go home and make love.
Stan: No, Chef! We don't want to make love to you.
Chef: Kenny, how'd you like to sodomize my black ass?
Kyle: Chef! Chef, you need to get out of here before you get arrested, all right?
Chef: I specializes in your asshole, Kyle.

Super Adventure Club Head Explorer: You see, the Super Adventure Club was founded by the greatest explorer of all time, William P. Phinehas! Phinehas climbed the highest peaks, tamed the mightiest rivers, but every time he got somewhere, he realized that other explorers had beat him to it. Phinehas was depressed, until he realized that if he couldn't be the first to discover places, he could be the first to have sex with the native children that inhabited those areas! Phinehas quickly went down in history books as the first man to have sex with the Aborigine children at Uluru, and the first explorer to bugger all the underage mountainfolk of Nepal. But now the most wonderful part: you see, after having sex with all those children, Phinehas realized that molesting all those kids had made him immortal.
Stan: [in disbelief] Immortal.
Super Adventure Club Head Explorer: He discovered that children have things called marlocks in their bodies. And when an adult has sex with a child, the marlocks implode, feeding the adult receptive cavity with energy that causes immortality, so saith the ruler of Bethos. Phinehas traveled the world, loving many, many children, and he lived for eternity. Until he was hit by a train in 1892.
Kyle: Do you realize how retarded that sounds?
Super Adventure Club Head Explorer: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his son to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded than Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?
Stan: Yeah. It's way, way more retarded.

Stan: Oh my god, they killed Chef!
Kyle: You Bastards! You bastards!


"South Park: It Hits the Fan (#5.1)" (2001)
Cartman: Kyle, they're going to say "shit" on television.
Kyle: I don't give a fuck.

Eric Cartman: You seem a little irritable Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?
Kyle: THERE'S NO SAND IN MY VAGINA.

Ms. Choksondik: Alright children, in lew of the common usage, I'm supposed to clarify the school's position on the word "shit".
Stan Marsh: Wow! We can say shit in the school now?
Kyle: This is ridiculous. Just because they say it on TV, it's alright?
Ms. Choksondik: Yes, but only in the figurative noun form or the adjective form?
Eric Cartman: Huh?
Ms. Choksondik: You can only use it in the nonliteral sense. For instance,
[writes on the board]
Ms. Choksondik: "That's a shitty picture of me" is now fine. However, the literal noun form of
[writes on the board]
Ms. Choksondik: "This is a picture of shit" is still naughty.

Eric Cartman: I don't get it.
Stan Marsh: Me neither.
Ms. Choksondik: The adjective form is now also acceptable. For example,
[writes on the board]
Ms. Choksondik: "The weather outside is shitty". However, the literal adjective is not appropriate. For example,
[writes on board]
Ms. Choksondik: "My bad diarrhea made the inside of the toilet all shitty and I had to clean it with a rag which then also became shitty". That's right out
[crosses out the sentence]
Timmy: Shhhhhhit,
Ms. Choksondik: Very good, Timmy.
Butters: Ms. Choksondik, can we say on the expletive, like "Oh shit!" or "Shit on a shingle"?
Ms. Choksondik: Yes, that's now fine.
Eric Cartman: Wow! This is gonna be great! A whole new word!
Kyle: [angrily] It's not new! I'm gonna look "shit" up in the encyclopedia and prove it.
Eric Cartman: Don't my Kyle everyone, he's just got a little sand in his vagina.
Kyle: [bangs on desk] THERE'S NO SAND IN MY VAGINA!
Ms. Choksondik: Boys, watch your language! Shit!

Cartman: [to class] Don't mind Kyle everyone, he's just got a little sand in his vagina.
Kyle: THERE'S NO SAND IN MY VAGINA!

Kyle: It said in my book that the word "shit" started the exact same time as something called "The Black Death".
Chef: The Black Death? Are you sure?
Stan Marsh: What's "The Black Death", Chef?
Chef: LaToya Jackson, children.


"South Park: Cartmanland (#5.6)" (2001)
Kyle Broflovski: What the hell are you doing, fatass?
Eric Cartman: Not much, just taking my *one million dollars* out of the bank.
[holds up a stack of banknotes]
Stan Marsh: [short silence] Oh, my God. Kenny *wasn't* lying!
Eric Cartman: Would you mind stepping aside, I got a purchase to make.
Stan Marsh: Dude, can you loan me twenty bucks for a new jacket?
Eric Cartman: Ha! If you need money you can get a job, Stan! No freeloaders are gonna take my hard-earned cash!
Kyle Broflovski: Your grandmother left it to you, you didn't *earn* it!
Eric Cartman: Didn't earn it? What about all the years I spent making grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with! The constant smell of aspirin and pee! Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch!

[Kyle is in the hospital with an infected hemorrhoid]
Stan Marsh: Dude, you okay?
Kyle Broflovski: Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?

Kyle Broflovski: Then I was right. Jobe has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God.

Kyle: Michael Bay gets to keep making movies and Cartman gets his own theme park; there is no God.

Stan Marsh: [Stan and Kyle are playing with a Jennifer Lopez doll] There you are, Jennifer Lopez! You've been most uncooperative, Miss Lopez!
Kyle Broflovski: No! Please! I promise I'll never make another album OR movie!
Stan Marsh: It's too late for that, Miss Lopez!
Kyle Broflovski: Have mercy!
[They blow up the doll]

Gerald Broflovski: Hello, Kyle, how's the hemorrhoid today?
Kyle: Awsome.
[with sarcasm]


"South Park: Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut (#1.13)" (1998)
Mrs. Crabtree: [Eric did not show up for school again, and Stan, Kyle and Kenny are left waiting at the bus stop] Come on! We're running late!
Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!
Mrs. Crabtree: What did you say?
Stan: I said, "We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch."
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh, alright then...
[Bus goes off without them]
Kyle Broflovski: Whoa dude...
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.

Eric Cartman: [gangsta] I was just hanging out in the SPC, kicking it with some homies on the West siide...
Kyle Broflovski: Cartman, you live on the EAST side!

[watching Bob Saget on TV]
Stan: This guy sucks!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah. He's almost as bad as that guy on Full House.

Stan: Oh my God, they videotaped killing Kenny!
Kyle Broflovski: You bastards!

[hearing his father slept with Liane Cartman]
Kyle Broflovski: Dad, how could you?

Kyle Broflovski: Dude, I knew Cartman's mother was a tramp, but COME ON!


"South Park: The Jeffersons (#8.6)" (2004)
Kenny: [after Kyle, Stan and Blanket come running into the room] You guys. What the hell is going on out there?
Mr Jefferson: Blanket come and play with me.
Kenny: Oh wait. I'm not blanket. Stop! Stop!
[Mr Jefferson throws Kenny so high that his head gets lodged in the ceiling and he bleeds to death]
Stan: Oh my god! He killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!

Stan: Hey, thanks for doing this for us, Kenny.
Kenny: Yeah. sure, whatever.
Stan: We've got to rescue Blanket from Mr. Jefferson.
Kenny: Aren't am I too big to be Blanket?
Kyle: I don't think Mr. Jefferson pays enough attention his son to notice.
Kenny: All right, but you guys owe me big time.
Stan: Sure, whatever. At least you finally get to do something.

Blanket: Hey, guys!
Kyle: Hi, Blanket. Uh look, we're going to help my dad chop wood. You wanna come with?
Blanket: Really? You mean it?
Michael Jefferson: [Michael Jackson] Oh yay! My friends are here. Come inside and play.
Stan: Um, actually, Mr. Jefferson, we were seeing if *Blanket* wanted to chop wood with us.
Michael Jefferson: Chop wood? No, that's ignorant. That's poopie work. Blanket and me wanna play.

Kenny: [after Kyle, Stan and Blanket come running into the room] You guys, what the hell is going on out there?
Mr Jefferson: Blanket, come and play with me.
Kenny: Oh, wait. I'm not blanket. Stop! Stop!
[Mr Jefferson throws Kenny so high that his head gets lodged in the ceiling and he bleeds to death]
Stan: Oh, my God! He killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!

Sgt. Harrison Yates: Freeze, Jefferson, the gig is up. you are wanted for child molestation!
Cartman: No! I am sick and tired of people harrassing Mr. Jefferson. All I've been hearing since Mr. Jefferson moved here are sick lies: that he molests children, that he's a bad father, that he had plastic surgery.
Michael Jackson: That's ignorant.
[His chin falls off. He puts it back on]
Cartman: Sure, maybe Mr. Jefferson is a little different. But that's because he had to work all the time when he was young and missed out on his childhood. What's wrong with wanting to have the innocence and beauty of a child?
Kyle: All right, let's just say all the bad things said about Mr. Jefferson are lies. Let's just say the police do just go around spending their time framing people for crimes they didn't commit. Let's say it's all made up and Mr. Jefferson is just a nice guy who is trying to be a child because he never had a childhood. Well that's fine, except he has children now, and when people have children, they have to GROW UP!
Michael Jackson: You're right. I've been so obsessed with my childhood that I've forgotten about Blanket's. I thought having lot's of rides and toys was enough, but Blanket doesn't need a playmate. He needs a father and a normal life. Blanket, I wanna give away all my money. I wanna get a normal job and take a shot at raising you in a normal setting.
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Well, if you're gonna give away all your money, I guess we'll drop the charges. No point in putting another poor black man in jail.
Kyle: All right. Things just might work out.


"South Park: Ike's Wee Wee (#2.4)" (1998)
Chef: Hello there, children!
Kyle Broflovski: Hey, Chef! How's it going?
Chef: Bad...
Kyle Broflovski: Why bad?
Chef: Children, I heard about what happened at school today! Now none of you tooked that nasty marijuana, did you?
Stan Marsh: No, dude! We never even saw it!
Chef: Okay, because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad.
Stan Marsh: We know, we know, that's what EVERYBODY says!
Chef: Right. But do you know WHY they're bad?
Kyle Broflovski: Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem, causing disease of both body and mind, the consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits.
Chef: And do you have ANY idea what that means?
Kyle Broflovski: No.
Eric Cartman: I know! Drugs are bad, because if you do drugs, you're a hippie! And hippies suck!
Chef: Just listen to this, children: DRUGS ARE BAD. Don't even try to find out about them. Remember, there's a time and place for everything... it's called college!

Kyle Broflovski: Hey, are you coming to Ike's bris this weekend?
Chef: Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!
Kyle Broflovski: What do you mean?
Chef: Don't you boys know what a bris is? They're going to circumcise him!
Eric Cartman: Eh, what's that?
Chef: Oh, boy. Here we go again...

Chef: Damn it, children! Why do I always have to be the one to explain all of this stuff to you? Ask your parents for once!
[drives away]
Kyle Broflovski: Hey, wait!... Dude, something tells me this "bris" thing isn't good...

Eric Cartman: Dude, you don't just chop off somebody's fireman!
Kyle Broflovski: I won't believe it, I won't!

Stan Marsh: We're sorry, Mr. Mackey, mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, that's okay, just don't let it happen again.
Kyle Broflovski: We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay, that's that.
Eric Cartman: Mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay.


"South Park: Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy (#10.10)" (2006)
[at South Park Elementary, Kyle approaches Stan and Kenny to talk with them about Ike's affair]
Kyle: Guys, can I talk to you?
Stan: Sure, dude.
Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?
[Cartman walks up to the kids as Hallway Monitor "The Dawg"]
Kyle: [continues] My little brother and his tea...
Cartman: Brahs, it's almost class time. I need you to start clearin' the hallways, alright?
Kyle: Not now, Cartman! I have really serious problems!
Stan: Dude, what's the matter?
Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
Stan: ...Wow.
Kenny: [muffled] Really?
Cartman: Damn, brah, your little brother's pretty cool.
Kyle: It's *not* cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand.
Cartman: What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some and then stick it inside her and pee.
Kyle: [looks long and hard] Stick it inside her and pee?
Cartman: Well, okay, fine. Unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and pee on her leg.

Kyle: It's the kindergarten teacher, Ms. Stephenson.
Police Sergeant: The blonde?
Kyle: Yeah.
Policeman #1: Some young boy is having sex with Ms. Stephenson?
Kyle: Yes.
Policeman #1: Nice.
Police Sergeant: Nice.
Kyle: What? No, you don't understand...
Policeman #1: You sure they've had sex?
Kyle: Yeah!
Policeman #2: Has she performed oral sex on him?
Kyle: I think so.
Policeman #2: Nice.
Policeman #1: Nice!
Policeman #2: [whispers] Nicccce.
Police Sergeant: So, wait. What's the crime?
Policeman #1: The crime is she isn't doing it with me.
[cops laugh]
Kyle: Hey! He's totally underage. She's taking advantage of him!
Police Sergeant: You're right. We're sorry. This is serious. We need to track this student down and
[pauses]
Police Sergeant: give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away.
[cops laugh heartily]

Kyle: Ike, you need to have a life. Have fun. *Then* ruin it by having a serious relationship.

Miss Stevenson: Hold on, please. You don't understand!
Kyle: Really? What's there not to understand?
Miss Stevenson: Your brother and I are in love.
Kyle: He's a little young, don't you think?
Ike Broflovski: Oh!
Miss Stevenson: Ike is very mature for his age and you know it.
Ike Broflovski: Ring around the roses.
Miss Stevenson: He makes me feel like nobody else does. He loves me and only me and I know I'm a goddess to him. When we make love, he can give it to me hard or soft and...
Kyle: Alright! We're getting the hell out of here!
Ike Broflovski: No, no, no, no, no, no!
Kyle: Ike, you can't possibly want this. We have to tell Mom.
Ike Broflovski: [starts crying]
Kyle: Ike!
Miss Stevenson: Is it so hard to believe that true love exists?
Kyle: [after a pause] This is nuts.

Kyle: Mom, I think maybe you should talk to Ike about love and sex.
Sheila Broflovski: Sex? Oh, booby, Ike is much too young.


"South Park: The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers (#6.13)" (2002)
Eric Cartman: [Cartman and friends are pretending to be Lord of the Rings characters; they walk by a group of kids playing in a yard] Yes, we shall slay the ringworm, for that is the way of the...
Town Kid: I shall put a magic spell on you!
Town Kid 2: I have blocked your spell wizard!
Kyle Broflovski: What are you guys doing?
Town Kid: We're playing Harry Potter!
Eric Cartman: Ha! Fags!

Randy Marsh: Alright, now listen kids. There's some things that we need to put into context for you. You see, a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina for both love and pleasure. But sometimes the woman lays on top of the man facing the other way so that they can put each other's genitals in their mouths. This is called 69ing, and it's normal.
Sharon Marsh: You see boys, a woman is sensitive in her vagina and it feels good to have a man's penis inside of it.
Sheila Broflovski: That's right. But sometimes a woman chooses to use other things. Telephones, staplers, magazines. It's because the nerve endings in the vagina are so sensitive, it's like a fun tickle.
Gerald Broflovski: Now, on the double penetration boys, you see, sometimes when a woman has sex with more than one man, each man makes love to a different orifice.
Randy Marsh: That's right. It's something adults can do with really good friends in a comfortable setting.
Sheila Broflovski: It's also important that you understand why some people choose to urinate on each other.
Randy Marsh: Going number one or number two on your lover is something people might do, but you must make sure your partner is okay with it before you start doing it.
Gerald Broflovski: Okay boys, do you have any questions?
Stan Marsh: [astonished] Wow.

[Token has unknowingly watched a disturbing pornographic movie]
Token's Mom: Token? Did the boys come over and... show you a movie?
[Token just stares and remains silent]
Token's Dad: Token?
[Token remains silent]
Token's Dad: All right, Token, we know you must be very confused about what you saw.
[Token keeps staring and remains silent]
Randy Marsh: Yes, er... you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse.
[Token still keeps silent]
Randy Marsh: Well, y-you see, when a-when a man and a woman fall in love, the-the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.
Token Williams: [after a long silence] And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love too?
[another silence]
Token Williams: Five midgets, spanking a man covered with 1000-isles dressing. Is that making love?
Token's Dad: [Aghast] Jesus, what kind of porno was that?
Gerald Broflovski: It was "Backdoor Sluts #9".
Token's Dad: Oh Jesus, not that one!
[his wife gives him a foul look]

Gerald Broflovski: [Talking about the porno] Okay, okay. How bad was it?
Randy Marsh: It was... Backdoor Sluts 9.
Men: BACKDOOR SLUTS 9?
Stephen Stotch: Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
Gerald Broflovski: It is the single most vile, most twisted piece of porn ever made.
Sheila Broflovski: [furiously] HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW?
Gerald Broflovski: I, uh, I read about it in People.

Eric Cartman: And so the party journeyed onward: the great Wizard, the skillful Ranger, and the covetous Jew.
Kyle Broflovski: I'm a Paladin, Cartman!
Eric Cartman: Jews can't be Paladins.


The Aristocrats (2005)
Kyle: Cart-, Cart-, Cartman, I don't want to...
Cartman: [cutting off Kyle] Kyle! Will you hold on, please.

Kyle: [after Cartman finishes the joke] I don't get it.
Cartman: [pauses] Neither do I.

Cartman: You guys want to hear a funny joke my grandpa told me?
Kyle: No.

Kyle: I don't get it.
Cartman: ...Neither do I.


"South Park: A Ladder to Heaven (#6.12)" (2002)
Eric Cartman: Alright, look. I didn't want to have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing Heaven because *one* of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle Broflovski: Huh?
Eric Cartman: Heaven could be like the Pixie-Faries of Bubble-Yum Forest: you only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan Marsh: What?
Eric Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing Heaven because one of us is a J-O-O...?
Kyle Broflovski: [Beat] What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?
Eric Cartman: Because Jews don't believe in Heaven!
Kyle Broflovski: Yes, we do! Just not the Christian Heaven.
Eric Cartman: Right; your idea of Heaven is getting five dollars off your matzoh ball soup at Barney's Beanery by lying about a hair in it.
Kyle Broflovski: YAAAAAAH!
[Punches Cartman]

Carol McCormick: You see, boys, Kenny's in here.
[pours out a bit, but the remains are white]
Carol McCormick: Huh?
[pours a bit onto her hand]
Carol McCormick: Wait a minute; this is kitty litter!
Eric Cartman: All right. All right. I drank the chocolate milk mix and replaced it with kitty litter.
Stuart McCormick: [shocked] You what?
Stan Marsh: [shocked] Dude! Don't you know what this means? You drank Kenny!
Eric Cartman: Shut up!
Kyle Broflovski: [shocked] You did, dude; you drank his whole body!
Eric Cartman: Shut up!
Carol McCormick: [almost crying] Oh my god, this is awful... and disgusting!

Stan: Maybe you have brain cancer.
Eric Cartman: You think so?
Kyle Broflovski: Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman. You might fall off and break it.

Cartman: All right, look. I didn't want to have to say this, but i think maybe we're not seeing heaven is because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of bubblegum forrest. you only see them if you really believe it them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe where not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O?
[pause]
Kyle: What does me being a jew have to do with anything?


"South Park: Red Hot Catholic Love (#6.8)" (2002)
Cartman: Let's see. If you put food in your mouth, you crap out your butt. Maybe if you put food up your butt then you crap out your mouth.
Kyle: Get real, Cartman. It doesn't work that way.

Kyle: What are you guys doing?
Stan: We had to go meet with this counselor lady... and she asked us if the priest ever put anything in our butts.
Kyle: In your butts?
Cartman: Yeah, isn't it the damndest thing?
Chef: [enters] Hello there, children!
Stan: Chef! What would a priest want to stick up my butt?
Chef: Goodbye!

Cartman: Oh dude, I think I might have it!
Stan: What?
Cartman: It makes perfect sense, okay, run with me on this. If you eat food, you crap out your butt, right?
Kyle: Yeah?
Cartman: Okay, now keep with me here, it gets a little complicated. If you eat food and crap out your butt, then maybe if you stuck food up your butt, you would crap out your mouth.
[Long silence]
Cartman: Mm?
Kyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said! This week.

[Cartman put food up his butt trying to make it come out his mouth]
Kyle: Come on, Cartman, hurry up. It's been 10 minutes.
Cartman: Jesus Christ, man. Give a guy some time to crap!


"South Park: ManBearPig (#10.6)" (2006)
Eric Cartman: We have to get going.
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, we've got school
Al Gore: I can get you all excused from school.
[pause]
Eric Cartman: You... got that kind of power?

Kyle: Hey... Did Cartman just crap treasure?

Eric Cartman: [to himself while the others are sleeping] All that treasure. It's all mine! So long as these greedy assholes don't find out about it. You would all just love to get your hands on my treasure wouldn't you? Even though I found it, you would love to think it's somehow yours too. God, I hate you guys.
[to Kyle]
Eric Cartman: Especially you, you money-grubbing snake in the grass.
[leans in so his face is about half an inch away from Kyle's]
Eric Cartman: Well I've got news for you Kyle. You're never going to get my treasure. I've got a little plan going: to get the treasure out of here without you ever knowing.
Kyle Broflovski: [wakes up] C-Cartman?
Eric Cartman: [pause] Oh, hey Kyle. How's it going?
Kyle Broflovski: Dude, what are you doing?
Eric Cartman: Not much. You know, just hanging out.
[pause]
Eric Cartman: How you been, man? Good?
Kyle Broflovski: Dude, get away from me!
Eric Cartman: Yeah, nice talking with you, Kyle. See you around.
[slowly withdraws]

Kyle Broflovski: Cartman, you've got to swim! Kick with your legs!
Eric Cartman: I can't kick.
Kyle Broflovski: Yes, you can.
Eric Cartman: I can't kick, you just have to save me.
Kyle Broflovski: I need your help!
Eric Cartman: No, you just have to save me.


"South Park: Kenny Dies (#5.13)" (2001)
Man: [from the Wish Come True Foundation] I know, I'll bet you'd like to meet Madonna, huh?
Kenny: [rapid-fire mumbling]
Man: What was that?
Kyle: He said Madonna is an old, anorexic whore who wore out her welcome years ago and that now she suddenly speaks with an Brittish accent and she thinks she can play guitar and she should go fuck herself.
Madonna: Should I come in now?
Man: Um, not quite yet.

Cartman: Guess what I have sitting in my backyard?
Kyle: A trampoline?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: A boat?
Cartman: Better.
Kenny: [muffled] A fucking machine?
Cartman: Better.

Woman: [rrom the Make-A-Wish Foundation] So, Kenny, if you could have one wish, what would it be?
[silence]
Man: What's your wish, pal?
Kenny: [muffled] I guess the only thing I wish is not to die.
Woman: What did he say?
Kyle: He said his wish is not to die.
[long stretch of silence]
Woman: Okay, and what if you're gonna have two wishes? What would the second one be?

Man: [from the Make-A-Wish Foundation] I know! I'll bet you wanna meet Madonna, huh?
Kenny: [muffled] No. Fuckin' Madonna...
[his words trail off and are hard to understand]
Man: What was that?
Kyle: He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore who wore out her welcome years ago, and that now she suddenly speaks with a British accent and she thinks she can play guitar and she should go fuck herself.
[the Foundation reps are stunned]
Madonna: [appearing in the doorway] Should I come in now?
Man: Um, not quite yet.


"South Park: Timmy 2000 (#4.3)" (2000)
Cartman: [all are high on Ritalin] I think we should go to Lalalapalalala anyway just to see Phil Collins.
Kyle: Yeah. I think Phil Collins rocks the house.
Cartman: Sounds good.
Cartman: Then it's decided. Phil Collins concert for all of us. Oh, hold still, Kenny.
[hits Kenny in the face with a frying pan]
Stan: Oh my goodness, you killed Kenny.
Kyle: Bastard.

Chef: Hello there children
Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny McCormick: [calmly] Hello Chef
Chef: How's it going?
Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny McCormick: [politely] Very well, thank you
Chef: [suspicious] Everything's fine? Why?
Stan: Because we're on Ritalin
Chef: What?
Kyle: We all have attention deficit disorder, so we all started taking Ritalin
Cartman: [talking like a stoner] It really takes the edge off man, you should try it
[takes a handful of pills]
Chef: So that's why all you children are acting so damned boring!
Kyle: That's correct Chef
Chef: Damnit, children, you don't need drugs to make you pay attention in school! In my day, if we didn't pay attention we got a belt to the bottom! Now they're tryin' to cure everything with drugs!

Mr. Garrison: Okay children let's settle down!
[all the children sit there quietly and attentively]
Mr. Garrison: Huh I mean it, I want it quiet!
[the children remain calm]
Mr. Garrison: My god Mr. Hat, these children are so boring on Ritalin. Huh, alright children, were going to learn about human reproduction, what do you think about that?
[the children don't respond]
Mr. Garrison: Vaginas and penises! Butt sex!
[no one says a word]
Mr. Garrison: Well damnit! Eric don't you have some smartass thing to say?
Cartman: [calmly and politely] What kind of smartass thing would I say Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: [grabs his head in anger] This is driving me crazy! I can't handle you little bastards being so mellow!
Kyle: Gee you seem a little stressed Mr. Garrison, why don't you try some Ritalin?
[hands a bottle to Mr. Garrison who grabs it and dumps the pills down his throat]
Cartman: There you go
[hallucinates seeing a Christina Aguilera monster]
Cartman: Woah!

Chef: [about the children taking Ritalin] Oh it makes me sick! Those damned psychologists prescribe all kinds of medicines to you children without even caring about the side effects!
Stan: But there are no side effects Chef
Kyle: Not at all
Cartman: [hallucinates seeing a Christina Aguilera monster] Did you guys see that?
Stan: See what?


"South Park: Cow Days (#2.13)" (1998)
Eric Cartman: Mother!
[falls off the bull and lands flat on his face]
Kyle Broflovski: Get up, Cartman, you're still not staying on long enough!
Stan Marsh: Come on, Cartman!
Kenny McCormick: [Muffles] oh my god, they killed Cartman!
Kyle Broflovski: No he didn't kill him, he's still breathing.
[starts kicking Cartman]
Kyle Broflovski: Get up. Get up
[Cartman stands up in a trance]
Stan Marsh: You okay dude?
Kyle Broflovski: [In a distorted voice] Cartman, hello, hello.
Kyle Broflovski: Dude I think we broke him.

Stan Marsh: Dude, that bull's gonna kill him.
Kyle Broflovski: Go help him, Kenny
Kenny McCormick: [Muffles angrily, gets impaled by a bull's horn]
Stan Marsh: Oh my god, they killed Kenny!
Kyle Broflovski: You bastard!

Kyle Broflovski: Hey, I got it! The bull riding contest. Cartmen can ride a bull and try to win $5000. Think about it, dude $5000, that's one thousand set of balls, that's three thousand balls. We have to win enough to win the dolls.
Eric Cartmen: What the hell makes you think Cartmen rides a bull?
Kyle Broflovski: Because you're the one who spent our money on those stupid rides, fat-ass! Either you're riding on a bull or I'm gonna break your f***ing head open!
Eric Cartmen: [nervously says] okay I'll get on the bull.
Kyle Broflovski: All right. Let's go, we have to practice!
Stan Marsh: He really wants those dolls.
Eric Cartmen: God-damn.

Kyle Broflovski: Give me some money, Cartman.
Eric Cartman: [Starts laughing]
Kyle Broflovski: Lend me money, fat-boy!
Eric Cartman: I only have three dollars left, asshole!


"South Park: Major Boobage (#12.3)" (2008)
[last lines]
Stan Marsh: You guys! Check it out! It's Kenny.
[Kenny sniffs a flower]
Stan Marsh: Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life.
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah.
[Kenny sniffs the flower again and sniffs another]
Kyle Broflovski: He's getting... really high on life.
[Kenny sniffs a bunch of flowers]
Eric Cartman: Dude, he's getting super-wasted on life!
Kyle Broflovski: Kenny!
[Kenny collapses after sniffing flowers]
Stan Marsh: What the hell kind of flowers are those?
Kyle Broflovski: Kenny! Kenny!

Kyle Broflovski: I love... titties.

Gerald Broflovski: I had to come back. Curse your rockin' tits.

Major Boobage: [Gerald is getting undressed to have an affair with Major Boobages Daughter] Hold, You cannot caress My Daughters awesome Boobage!
Gerald Broflovski: Aww, why not?
Major Boobage: There is a Suiter...
[Kenny appears]
Gerald Broflovski: [Angrily] What, get outta here, Kid!
[Kenny flips the bird, and muffles at Him irritably]
Gerald Broflovski: ... no, you're too young for this!
Major Boobage: The Fate of these two will be decided at the Breastry Area in Nippopolis!


"South Park: Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants (#5.9)" (2001)
Kyle Broflovski: [the boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers] Uh... greetings, from, Canada. Well, Boys, it's "aboot" time we get back to our "hoose" in Canada, isn't it?
Eric Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddam Canadian and neither are you!
Stan Marsh: Cartman, you stupid asshole.

[first lines]
[the boys are standing at the bus stop, wearing gas masks]
Kyle Broflovski: Remember when life used to be simple and cool?
Eric Cartman: [after a pause] Not really.

Kyle Broflovski: [Cartman starts to follow Bin Laden] Cartman where are you going?
Eric Cartman: I'm gonna go take care of this prick!
Kyle Broflovski: Cartman he's crazy!
Eric Cartman: He's not crazy he's an idiot, I know how to deal with these people


"South Park: 201 (#14.6)" (2010)
Kyle Broflovski: You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.
Jesus Christ: That's right. Don't you see, gingers? If you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.
Santa Claus: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.
Stan Marsh: Yeah.

[last lines]
Stan Marsh: Look, Mr. Cruise... I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that you had Seaman on your back.
Tom Cruise: I just can't do it anymore. I wanna go away. But there's nowhere on earth that people aren't around to rip on me.
Kyle Broflovski: Hey... Hey, we know a place! We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are there to mess it up.
Stan Marsh: We do? Oh... Oh yeah, we do!
Tom Cruise: You... really? Somewhere where I can just live out my days in peace and quiet and - Oh... Oh please, can you show me where?
Stan Marsh: We'll do better than that. We'll help you get there.
[Tom Cruise is then shown laying dead next to Willzyx on the moon]

Kyle: You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show. But, it wasn't because of some magic goo - it was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorising people works.
Jesus: That's right - don't you see, Gingers? If you don't want to be made fun of anymore all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.
Santa: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.
Stan: Yeah.


"South Park: Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes (#8.9)" (2004)
Stan Marsh: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please.
Eric Cartman: Hey, guys, wait up. I wanna go with you and help out.
Kyle Broflovski: No way. You want to come with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying Wall-Mart.
Eric Cartman: Nu-uh.
Kyle Broflovski: Yu-hah! you want to come with us so that later I can go "Hah hah, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or something.
Eric Cartman: I am not, Kyle!
Stan Marsh: Dude, just let him come, the bus is about to leave.
Kyle Broflovski: Alright, fine. Come on, fat-ass.
[Kyle walks off; Cartman takes out a knife]
Eric Cartman: Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.
Kyle Broflovski: [running back] I heard that!
Eric Cartman: Heard what?
Kyle Broflovski: You said that we have no idea that you are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart.
Eric Cartman: That's not what I said!
Stan Marsh: Dude, come on!
Eric Cartman: He's working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!
Stan Marsh: Dude, we have to go.
Kyle Broflovski: God damn it.
Stan Marsh: Well, hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!
Eric Cartman: [offscreen] Heh heh, you stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from succeeding!

Stan Marsh: Goddamn, that took a long time.
Kyle Broflovski: It would have been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires!
Eric Cartman: I did not. I wanna close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do!

Eric Cartman: [the boys are in the movie aisle] Dude, check it out! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks!
Kyle Broflovski: Why the hell would you want three copies of the same movie?
Eric Cartman: Because one copy is nine ninety-eight! But this way you save like twenty bucks!
Kyle Broflovski: You only need one copy, r-tard!
Eric Cartman: Okay, fine, dumbass, *YOU* go ahead and buy one copy for nine ninety-eight!
Kyle Broflovski: Okay, fine, I *will*!
[grabs a copy]
Kyle Broflovski: Huh, wait a minute! I don't even want *ONE* copy of Time Cop!
[puts it back]
Eric Cartman: Dude, you can't shop for crap.


"South Park: Toilet Paper (#7.3)" (2003)
Cartman: So how are things, Kyle?
Kyle Broflovski: Terrible. Every time I close my eyes I see the house we TP'ed. I see the tears of our art teacher and hear the screams of her daughters.
Cartman: And you feel like you have to confess.
Kyle Broflovski: I don't know what to do. Part of me feels like I have to end it all now, tell people what happened.
[Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle with a bat]
Kyle Broflovski: You know, I never notice how beautiful this pond was before. So calm. You know the world can be like that, so calm on the outside, as if nothing bad ever happens.
[Cartman hits Kyle in the head with the bat]
Kyle Broflovski: Ow! What the hell are you doing Cartman?
Cartman: I'm killing you, but unfortunately I could only afford a Whiffle Bat so its going to take a while.
[Bonks Kyle on the head again]
Kyle Broflovski: Cartman!
Cartman: Don't fight it, Kyle, it will only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconciousness.
[bonks Kyle two more times]
Kyle Broflovski: You want to kill me, fine! I can't live like this anymore, go ahead! Do it!
Cartman: [bonks Kyle 9 times] It won't be long now, Kyle.
[continues to bonk Kyle on the head]

Grocery Store Employee: Hey boys. Okay, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper. So what are you up to tonight?
Cartman: Oh, probably watch a movie, maybe play a couple of board games.
Grocery Store Employee: Nice night at home, huh? Toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, chewing gum. Hey, you kids be careful with this chewing gum. Don't go sticking it under any tables.
Stan Marsh: Okay.
Grocery Store Employee: Okay, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper. Hey, I remember you coming in here last week buying this much toilet paper.
Cartman: Oh yeah, that's right.
Kyle Broflovski: You TP'd another house last week?
Cartman: No, it was fajita night at my house.

Kyle Broflovski: You confessed?
[confused about Butters behind bars for what they did]
Butters Stotch: Yeah, uh huh; they said that I TP'ed the art teacher's house. I don't seem to remember it, but they're pretty sure it was me. I just can't get my behavior under control.
[grabbing at the bars and looking angry]
Officer Barbrady: His parents are on their way down now.
Butters Stotch: Yeah, and boy are they gonna let me have it. You just wait until my father gets here.
Kyle Broflovski: You guys, we can't let him do this.
[conferring away from Barbrady and Butters]
Cartman: What are you talking about? This is a gift from God! An early Easter present all wrapped up from Jesus Christ himself!
Butters Stotch: Well, I'm just a little asshole is what I am.


"South Park: Fantastic Easter Special (#11.5)" (2007)
[Jesus and Kyle are locked in a separate prison cell apart from Pope Benedict XVI's cell; Jesus furiously saws at a chain keeping the door closed with a file in his right hand]
Pope Benedict XVI: [in remorse] Forgive me, Jesus.
Jesus: [furious about Bill Donohue] We'll never get out in time to stop him!
Kyle: Don't you have any superpowers?
Jesus: [throws the file away] Not as a mortal. Only in death.
[he pauses for a second]
Jesus: [realizing] Wait. That's it. We have no choice, Kyle. You're going to have to kill me.
Kyle: [shocked] What?
Jesus: Stab me with this.
[he brings out a small dagger]
Jesus: If I die, I can resurrect outside the bars.
Kyle: [reluctant] No way! Do it yourself!
Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle!
Kyle: Dude, you don't understand, I'm a Jew. I have a few hangups about killing Jesus.
Jesus: Just make it quick.
[he kneels down and hands the dagger to Kyle, then points at his own neck]
Jesus: [continues] Through the neck. I'll arise again immediately.
Kyle: [looks at the dagger in dismay] Don't make me do this.
Jesus: [shouts] My son, there is no time! *Do it!*
Kyle: [still looking and pondering] Eric Cartman can never know about this.
Jesus: [still kneeling, looking at Kyle] I understand. And Kyle... Happy Easter.
[he waits patiently for his moment of death and rebirth]
Kyle: [pauses, then reluctantly] Happy Easter, Jesus.
[he stabs Jesus in the throat, and at once Jesus stands up in pain with a gargling scream, his blood spewing everywhere from his throat; still screaming, he walks around for a few seconds while smearing blood on the wall, his screams and groans turning silent, then falls forward to the floor and dies; his halo falls from his head and rolls away with a metallic clink]
Kyle: [in shock at seeing Jesus' body] ... Jesus?

[Kyle is fingerpainting at his house when a doorbell rings, and he goes to answer it and opens the door]
Stan: [unkempt, gasping and holding Snowball the rabbit] Help.
Kyle: What happened?
Stan: My dad's in a rabbit-worshiping cult called the Hare Club for Men, they protect the secret of Easter but before they said what it was they were attacked by ninjas and put me in charge of Snowball.
Kyle: ...I'm kind of fingerpainting right now.
Stan: [enters anyway] Dude, they took my dad away. They even shot one of his fellow hares. And now they're after me! Do you know anything about Easter? What is the connection between Jesus and rabbits and colored eggs?
Kyle: Dude, I'm Jewish. I have no idea.

[Stan and Kyle escape from Professor Teabag's mansion that was ransacked by ninjas, while holding Snowball]
Kyle: So what now?
Stan: If the pope has my dad... I have to give him what he wants.
Kyle: You aren't just gonna hand Snowball over?
Stan: What choice do I have? There's nobody left who can help us!... Wait... unless... maybe there is.
[he hands Snowball to Kyle]
Stan: Here, hold this.
[walks some distance from Kyle and prays]
Stan: Jesus, I know we haven't talked in a long time, and I know that every time you appear we end up killing you somehow, but... I don't know what to do. And I could really use your help.
[he waits for a long time, hoping his prayer can be answered, but there's no sign of Jesus]
Kyle: [looking down at Snowball] I think the rabbit just crapped on my jacket.


"South Park: Weight Gain 4000 (#1.2)" (1997)
Cartman: I am not fat, I'm big-boned.
Kyle: Jay Leno's chin is big-boned. You're a big fat ass.
Cartman: Nuh-uh!
Kyle: Cartman, you have such a big fat ass that when you walk down the street people say, "GODDAMMIT, that's a big fat ass!"
Man: Goddamn it, that's a big fat ass!
Cartman: Hey!

Kyle: What are you drinking, Cartman?
Cartman: Weight Gain 4000. It's helping me bulk up.
Stan: Bulk up to what? Fat ass?
Kyle: Super fat ass?

Kyle: Hey Stan. Did you see that rainbow this morning?
Stan: Yeah. It was huge.
Cartman: Eh. I hate those things.
Kyle: Nobody hates rainbows.
Stan: Yeah. What's there to hate about rainbows?
Cartman: Well, you know. You'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and they'll come marching in, and crawl up your leg, and start biting the inside of your ass, and you'll be all like, "Hey. Get out of my ass you stupid rainbows."
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm talking about rainbows. I hate those friggin' things.
Kyle: Rainbows are those little arches of color that show up during a rainstorm.
Cartman: Oh. RainBOWS. Oh yeah, I like those. Those are cool.
Stan: What were you talking about?
Cartman: Huh? Oh nothing. Forget it.
Kyle: No. What marches in, crawls up your leg-...
Cartman: Nothing.
Kyle: ...and starts biting the inside of your ass?
Cartman: Nothing.


"South Park: Asspen (#6.2)" (2002)
Butters Stotch: You're not really going to go down that K-13 run, are you Stan?
Stan Marsh: Dude, I have to.
Kyle Broflovski: Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you. Screw him, dude.
Stan Marsh: Dude, he's got Heather!
Kyle Broflovski: ...you don't even know Heather!
Stan Marsh: I know, I know, I... look, I can't explain it, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die... I mean, how bad can the K-13 be?
Trucker: [Entering] Da K-13? You don't wanna go down dat run. Dat run's gotta a history. 35 people have died going down it. Some say you can still see their ghosts up der. It was on dat very ski run that a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once de burial grounds to a tribe of vampire Wachitaw Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes. Yah... a lot of history on dat ski run.
Stan Marsh: ...thank you.
Trucker: Yah.
[Exits]

Kyle Broflovski: [Standing with Cartman and Butters] I can't lose another friend. First Kenny, and now Stan. All I'm going to have left are you two douches.

Kyle Broflovski: Mom! Dad!
Stan Marsh: Where the hell have you guys been?
Stephen Stotch: We got a little held up a the time-share sales office.
Randy Marsh: Yeah, but the good news is we finally came to our senses and bought some shares in a condo. So we all get to come to Aspen for two weeks every year!
Stephen Stotch: [after a disappointed "awww" from the boys] Well, what's the matter? Didn't you boys like skiing?
Stan Marsh: NO! We can't keep track of when you "pizza" and when you "French fries" and when the hot-shot ass-hole skier takes your girl if you are supposed to race him the first time or train first and beat him on the really difficult mountain so you can save the dorky but hot girl's youth center... skiing sucks!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, what a stupid sport!


"South Park: Cancelled (#7.1)" (2003)
[Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny are waiting by the school bus stop. This scene is a rehash of the series' first episode "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe."]
Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny: [singing] School days, school days, teacher's golden rule days...
[Ike jumps in next to Kyle]
Kyle: Ah, damn it!
Cartman: What?
Kyle: My God-damned little brother's trying to follow me to school, again!
Ike Broflovski: Suck my balls.
Kyle: No, Ike. You can't come to school with me!
Cartman: Yeah! Go home, you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!
Cartman: Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dickhead!
[as the boys laugh, Kyle picks up Ike by the legs and swings him sideways, whacking Cartman in the face]
Stan: Dude, sweet!
Kyle: Yeah, check it out!
[Puts Ike down]
Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike Broflovski: Don't kick the God-damned baby!
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Kyle kicks Ike to the other side of the street]

Kyle: What is a proc-tologist, Chef?
Chef: He's a doctor that specializes in your asshole, children.
Stan: You mean at some point in this doctor's life, he decided he wanted to work on people's buttholes?
Chef: That's right.
Kyle: What a dick.

Proctologist: [diagnosing Cartman] Wait, what's this?
[a 20-meter-wide satellite dish deploys from Cartman's rectum]
Kyle: Are you okay?
Eric Cartman: Dude. You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome!
Chef: Well, doctor?
Proctologist: I've never quite seen this before, uh, p - perhaps he just needs some hemmorhoid cream.
[the satellite dish violently withdraws back inside Cartman]
Stan: You all right?
Eric Cartman: You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up inside your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALL RIGHT!


"South Park: City on the Edge of Forever (#2.7)" (1998)
Red Shirt Kid: Why doesn't the scary monster eat her?
Kyle Broflovski: Because dumbass, scary monsters don't eat big fat smelly bitches.
Mrs. Crabtree: What did you say?
Kyle Broflovski: I said Larry King won't grant me three wishes!

Stan Marsh: You dumbass, Cartman! That's not how it happened!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, Kenny just died 8 hours ago. How could he have died back then too?
Eric Cartman: Oh yeah. I guess that doesn't make sense.

Kyle Broflovski: Let me have some cake, Cartman.
Eric Cartman: [struggling to eat] I just can't eat one more bite of this chocolatey goodness, ahh, i guess I'll might just try.
Kyle Broflovski: Dammit Cartman, you are such a fat f***!
Mrs. Crabtree: [Screaming] What did you say!


"South Park: It's Christmas in Canada (#7.15)" (2003)
Kyle: We need to go to Canada, as soon as possible.
City Wok Owner: [mock Chinese accent] Ooh, Canada, okay, that's pretty far. Gonna cost you a rot of money. Ret's see... How many people?
Kyle: Four.
City Wok Owner: Four people, Canada, cost a rot of money. Gonna be about 6,500 dorrar.
Kyle: How about 50 dorrar?
City Wok Owner: Fity dorrar? You fly to Canada cost you at-reast 3,000 dorrar.
Kyle: 55 dorra.
City Wok Owner: Hey, stop wasting my time with 55 dorrar. No way I take my plane to Canada for less than a thousand dorrar!
Kyle: Okay... Sixty dorrar.
City Wok Owner: Sixty two dorrar.
Kyle: Okay.
City Wok Owner: Okay, meet me Park County Air field, yellow sesnut, tail number 432-G.
[Hangs up phone]
City Wok Owner: Hee hee. Never try to barter with a Chinese man.

Cartman: It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas Day and I'm in Canada.
Kyle: Yeah, but I got my brother back.
Cartman: Yeah, you got your brother back but I didn't get any presents. And what did I tell you, Kyle? I told you if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was gonna whoop your ass, didn't I? Now you're gonna get it, motherfucker. That's it, you and me. Right now. We're having it out. Come on. Come on.
[Kyle slaps Cartman]
Cartman: WAAAAAAAH. WAAAAAAAAH. MOOOOOOM. MOOOOOOM.

Stan: We better not miss out on some great Christmas adventure.
Kyle: We'll be back in time for a Christmas adventure.


South Park (1998) (VG)
Kyle Broflovski: Die, Pecker-Head!

Kyle Broflovski: Outta the way, Dummy, I'm kickin' some ass!

Kyle Broflovski: [At the multiplayer loss screen] Screw You! The only reason you won is because You Cheated!


"South Park: The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs (#14.2)" (2010)
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?
Mr. Garrison: Yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by Catcher in the Rye, but he was just a kook.
Eric: Whoa, you're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate and made a guy shoot the king of hippies. Can we please read this right now?

Stan: [reading "Catcher In The Rye"] Did you get to *any* dirty parts yet?
Kyle: [also reading "Catcher..."] No! It's still just some whiny, annoying teenager talking about how lame he is.
Stan: I don't get it, dude. What's so controversial about this? All he's done is said "shit" and "fuck" a few times.
Kyle: I know! I'm almost at the end and there's nothing.
Eric: [enters, slamming door] Mother fucker! The whole thing. I read the whole *fucking* thing! I kept thinking, alright, the cool, offensive stuff must be coming. And then after a hundred pages I was like, *alright*, I guess all the dirty stuff is at the end. And then I got to the last page! And I was all, what da fuck is this! I JUST READ A BOOK, FOR NOTHING!
Kyle: Why the hell was this book banned?
Eric: They fucking tricked us, that's what they did! Tricked us into reading a book by enticing us with promises of vulgarity.
Kenny: [enters, mumbles] Dude, what the fuck is this...
[rest is indecipherable]
Eric: We know! We we're just saying that.
Stan: Why would anyone think this book was obscene and dangerous?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [just finished reading "Catcher..."] Kill John Lennon. Kill John Lennon. *Kill* John Lennon!

[Kyle and Stan are trying to comfort Butters, whose writings inspired someone to kill the Kardashian sisters]
Kyle: Aw... aw, Butters. It'll be alright. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning.
Stan: Yeah dude, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television.


"South Park: Mystery of the Urinal Deuce (#10.9)" (2006)
George W. Bush: We all worked very hard to keep our involvement 9-11 a secret... but you just had to keep digging.
Kyle: Really?
"911truth.org" Guy: You wont get away with it. People know.
George W. Bush: People? You mean "sheeple." We have the majority of them kept in playful ignorance.
[Draws a gun]
George W. Bush: Just one more leak, to fix.
"911truth.org" Guy: Wait, what are you doing?
George W. Bush: You've been a thorn in our side for too long, cretin.
"911truth.org" Guy: No, you can't do this. Please! I'll stop! I'll take down the web site!
[gun shoved in his mouth]
"911truth.org" Guy: Oh God! Oh no, oh no!
George W. Bush: Too late.
[Bush kills the 911truth.org guy]
Stan: Jesus Christ!
Donald Rumsfeld: Ha ha ha. He died like a pig.
George W. Bush: Some pigs never learned.
Kyle: No, way.
Stan: He was right, you did cause 9-11.
George W. Bush: Yes. Quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted at the base of the towers, then on 9-11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania then flew two military jets into the World Trade Center filled with more explosives and shot down all the witnesses in Flight 93 with an F-15 after blowing up the pentagon with a cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed planm ever, ever.
Kyle: [disbelieving] Really?
Stan: Why?
George W. Bush: The oldest reason in the world: money. The towers fell and the American sheeple all waved their flags. Finally we could invade Iraq and get the oil which made us all even richer than before.
Donald Rumsfeld: Beautiful money. Ha ha ha!
Kyle: [even more disbelieving] Really?
Stan: Is the whole government in on this?
George W. Bush: We are all knowing and all powerful. Good-bye boys.
Dick Cheney: [shoots an arrow and misses the boys] Dang it, I missed again.
George W. Bush: For Christ's sake, Cheney.
Stan: Kyle, run!
[Stan and Kyle exit]
George W. Bush: Kill them!

Kyle: So then, who was responsible for 9-11?
Stan: What do you mean? A bunch of pissed off Muslims.
Frank Hardly: Yeah, what are you, retarded?

Stan Marsh: Did they find out who crapped in the urinal yet?
Kyle Broflovski: Not yet.
Eric Cartman: They aren't going to find out who did it, but they'll make up a scapegoat, send him to detention, and make us all believe it; it'll be 9/11 all over again.
Kyle Broflovski: Will you shut up about 9/11?
Eric Cartman: Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?
Kyle Broflovski: Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy, is a retard!
Eric Cartman: Oh, really? Well, did you know that over one fourth of the people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one fourth of Americans are retards?
[pointing at Kyle]
Kyle Broflovski: Yes! I'm saying one fourth of Americans are retards.
Stan Marsh: Yeah, at least one fourth.
Kyle Broflovski: Let's take a test sample: there's four of us, you're a retard, that's one fourth.
[pointing at Eric]


"South Park: Proper Condom Use (#5.7)" (2001)
[the boys erroneously think they need to wear condoms all the time in order not to get or spread diseases]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [removing a condom from its wrapper] Why, it's just a little donut!
[fumbles with it]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Oh, it's all gooey!
Eric Cartman: Just put it on, Butters!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: H-How come I gotta go first?
Eric Cartman: Butters, will you stop... filibustering!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Oh, a-all right, then.
[turns around, drops pants, and starts fumbling with the condom]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Aw, it's sticky.
Kyle Broflovski: [reading from the condom box] It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: I don't even understand how this thing...! Oh, wait, oh, I see.
[Cartman peaks]
Stan Marsh: Don't look at Butters' shlong, gaymo!
Eric Cartman: I wasn't looking at his shlong, I was seeing how to put the condom on!
Kyle Broflovski: [sarcastically] Sure!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: But it won't stay on. I-I need a rubber band or something.
Tweek: I-I've got rubber bands!
[hands them to Butters]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [fumbles with the rubber bands] Ow! Eh, ow! Okay, eh... ow! There! Okay, I think it's on!
Stan Marsh: How do you feel?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [pause] Pretty good!
Eric Cartman: Do you feel protected?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Yeah, I don't think nothing is getting to my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.
Stan Marsh: All right, here everybody, Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Hey, somebody's gotta help Timmy put his condom on.
Timmy: *Timmah*!

Eric Cartman: Watch this, it's so funny. Come here, Darling, come on. Red rocket! Red rocket! He he he, come on, he he he!
[Eric masturbates the dog]
Stan Marsh: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
Eric Cartman: I'm milking the dog - they make dog milk.
Kyle Broflovski: No they don't.
Kenny McCormick: Yeah, dude.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, just hold on a minute. The fifth graders showed us how to do it. Red rocket! Red rocket! Come on, dog, red rocket! Oh ho!
[the dog ejaculates]
Kyle Broflovski: Whoa, cool, that's awsome!
Eric Cartman: I told you guys.
Stan Marsh: I had no idea dogs made milk. do it again.
Eric Cartman: Dumbass, you can only milk a dog once every few hours; doesn't work if you beat off a dog right away.
Kyle Broflovski: You beat off?
Eric Cartman: That's what it's called when milk a dog, beating him off. Don't you guys know anything?

Sharon Marsh: Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?
Kyle Broflovski: No!
Randy Marsh: Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. I mean, ever! Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever.
[after Sharon looks at him]


"South Park: Fat Butt and Pancake Head (#7.5)" (2003)
Kyle Broflovski: Cartman - stop wasting food on your hand - its just coming out her backside!
Jennifer Lopez (Hand): When you eat a taco, it comes out your backside too, chulo!

Jennifer Lopez (Hand): I'm not who you think I am.
BHI President: You're not?
Jennifer Lopez (Hand): No. It was all a lie. A lie I cannot continue anymore. I am not Hennifer Lopez. I am...
[Cartman rips off the small wig he had on his left hand, which transforms into a male voice]
Mitch Connor: Mitch Connor.
Mitch Connor: Just your run of the mill con man. I've been moving from town to town, scamming people since I was fifteen. But I'm tired of running.
Kyle Broflovski: Oh no, no, no, no, no.
Mitch Connor: I've been a cheater all my life. And now I've ruined a singer's career, lost a record company millions, and cost this little boy his precious time.
Kyle Broflovski: [slightly annoyed] Stop. It.
Mitch Connor: Mostly, I'm sorry to you, Ben. I'm sorry I played Tiddly Winks with your heart.
[Ben Affleck begins to sob, while Cartman walks to one side of the bridge]
Mitch Connor: But it's over now. The cyanide pill I took should be taking effect very soon. Hmph, looks like the sun is goin' down. I wonder, will I dream?
[this time, it is now sunset and Cartman's opens his hand and a gust of wind is heard, then his hand is back to normal]
Police Officer #2: Well, looks like Mitch Connor has cashed in his last chips.

[Kyle has been getting annoyed about Cartman's Jennifer Lopez hand]
Kyle Broflovski: You're not actually buying this crap, are you?
Stan Marsh: I don't know, meh, maybe he can't help it.
Kyle Broflovski: Look, he knows full well what he's doing, and he's just waiting for us to buy into it, and then he'll laugh and point at our faces and say, "Haha, I got you guys to believe me!" "You guys are stupid!"
Stan Marsh: Dude, do you really he would go through all this just to make us feel dumb?
Kyle Broflovski: Yes, dude!


"South Park: Conjoined Fetus Lady (#2.5)" (1998)
Kyle Broflovski: Dude, China's fucked up!

[the South Park team is bombarded with Chinese dodgeballs]
Stan Marsh: Oh my god, they killed Kenny!
Kyle Broflovski: [flatly, because he's doubled up in agony on the ground] You bastards.

Stan Marsh: Hey, that nurse is pretty cool!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, I wonder if that dead foetus's making her smarter!


"South Park: The Simpsons Already Did It (#6.7)" (2002)
Cartman: I got ripped off.
Kyle: I told you Cartman.
Cartman: Oh, shut up. Kyle. Shut your god damn Jew mouth. You people are why there is war in the Middle East.
Cartman: And you Tweak. Why don't you button up your shirt for once. You're just as bad as Stan with his little girlfriend always wanting to spend time with him.
Cartman: Oh God, I hate you guys.

Kyle Broflovski: Face it, guys. We killed Miss Choksondik. We're all in this together.
[Tweak starts to whine in protest]
Kyle Broflovski: All right, maybe you weren't there, but you're our new friend and that makes you culp - uh, culpable.
Cartman: In fact it makes you the most responsible. Tweak, you might have to take the fall on this one.

Kyle: Wow, that's a lot of semen Cartman.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is; the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck it out of a hose.


"South Park: Towelie (#5.8)" (2001)
Kyle Broflovski: [everyone's driving around] How long has it been since you've been back there?
Towelie: I've been wondering around on my own for the past few weeks. Ya know, helpin' people out with towel safety and proper towel use. It's important!
Eric Cartman: No it isn't.
Towelie: Is.
Eric Cartman: No it isn't!
Towelie: Is.
Towelie: Wait turn down here. It's down this dirt road.
Stan Marsh: Break Kenny, break.
[Kenny turns car to dirt road]
Towelie: Maybe it was down that dirt road.
Stan Marsh: Dude, don't you remember where it is?
Towelie: I can't remember, it all looks the same. Hold on, let me get high. Then I'll remember where it is.
[Towelie smokes the pot and get really high]
Stan Marsh: Alright, so where is it?
Towelie: [Towelie talks slowly and is very sluggish] Where's what?
Kyle Broflovski: [the boys scream] The base where you're from and where our Okama Gamesphere is.
Stan Marsh: Alright, that does it. Break angrily Kenny.
[Kenny breaks the car fast]
Stan Marsh: Now listen Towelie, we've just about had it with you!
Towelie: Now come down.
Kyle Broflovski: That's it, you're not getting high again until we have our Okama Gamesphere back.
Towelie: That's my last J, asshole!
Kyle Broflovski: I don't care! You better remember where your base is!
Towelie: Oh man, why is everyone ridin' me today? God damn it.

Stan Marsh: Come on Towelie, the guy said you have the security system in your memory banks.
Towelie: Hey, it's been a long time.
Eric Cartman: You just have no long term memory because you get high all the time.
Towelie: [look at each other angrily] Don't preach to me, Fatso.
Eric Cartman: I can preach to you all I want because you're stupid!
Towelie: You're stupid!
Eric Cartman: Yeah, you're a towel!
Towelie: You're a towel!
Towelie: Just let me get high. I know I can remember if I get high.
Stan Marsh: Oh, God damn it. Alright, fine. Here's your stupid lighter.
Towelie: [Towelie smokes the pot]
[Towelie starts typing on the access code]
Towelie: Hold on. Wait a second
[Towelie pretends to figure the access code, but is typing in the Soundbits of the song "Funkytown" on the keypad door]
Towelie: That's it.
Kyle Broflovski: That's it?
Towelie: Yeah, that's the melody to "Funkytown."
Towelie: [types in the correct Soundbits of Funkytown on the keypad door and sings] "Won't you take me down to 'Funkytown'."
Stan Marsh: No Towelie, the entry code!
Towelie: For what?


"South Park: Follow That Egg (#9.10)" (2005)
[Ms. Garrison checks on the kids in her class if their parenting skills went well]
Ms. Garrison: Now how about our gay couples? Stan and Kyle?
Stan: [determined] Fine!
Ms. Garrison: What?
Stan: No problems at all!
Ms. Garrison: [angry] That's impossible!
[she snatches the egg from Stan's hand and looks it over carefully]
Ms. Garrison: Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me? Where's my signature?
Stan: It's right there, see?
[he leans toward Kyle in fear; Wendy looks away from the action]
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!
Kyle: Dude, it's totally fine.
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] It isn't fine! It has two daddies! It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed! Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies!
[taunts the egg directly]
Ms. Garrison: Two daddies! Two daddies! C'mon, class, let's rip on the freak egg! Two daddies! Two daddies!
[the class becomes confused]

[checks on the kids in her class to see if their parenting skills went well]
Ms. Garrison: Now, how about our gay couples? Stan and Kyle?
Stan: [determined] Fine!
Ms. Garrison: What?
Stan: No problems at all!
Ms. Garrison: [angry] That's impossible!
[she snatches the egg from Stan's hand and looks it over carefully]
Ms. Garrison: Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me? Where's my signature?
Stan: It's right there, see?
[he leans toward Kyle in fear; Wendy looks away from the action]
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!
Kyle: Dude, it's totally fine.
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] It isn't fine! It has two daddies! It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed! Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies!
[taunts the egg directly]
Ms. Garrison: Two daddies! Two daddies! C'mon, class, let's rip on the freak egg! Two daddies! Two daddies!


"South Park: It's a Jersey Thing (#14.9)" (2010)
Kyle Broflovski: [pushes Eric Cartman into a tree] I'm NOT one of them! Do you understand me? You better get that through your fat head! I will never be one of them, and if you say it again I swear to God, I'll smash your fucking teeth in!

Eric Cartman: You're one of them, dude. By my accounts, that's strike three.
Kyle Broflovski: What's strike three?
Eric Cartman: [taking Kyle's hat off] You're a ginger, a Jew, and from Jersey. Three strikes, Kyle. You're out!
Kyle Broflovski: [grabbing his hat off Eric Cartman] Shut the fuck up!


"South Park: Rainforest Shmainforest (#3.1)" (1999)
Eric Cartman: Let me try. Let me try. We are from America. America. We are lost and very hungry. Necesito burritos!
Stan Marsh: I don't want a burrito. I want a taco. Supreme.
Eric Cartman: Y taco.
Kyle Broflovski: I want two tostados and mild sauce.
Eric Cartman: Dos tostados y, y enchiritos!
Miss Stevens: Boys, please. Not every Spanish person eats tacos and burritos. That's a stereotype!

Mr. Mackey: [Lecturing Craig in his office] I am tired of seeing you here in my office, young man. You get sent here every day, Craig.
Craig: I know.
Mr. Mackey: Why can't you behave?
Craig: I don't know.
Mr. Mackey: What do you have to say for yourself?
[Craig is silent]
Mr. Mackey: Well, I'll tell you what, young man. You're gonna be held back a grade if you can't...
[Craig gives Mr. Mackey the finger]
Mr. Mackey: Did you just flip me off?
Craig: No.
Mr. Mackey: Yes, you did! You just flipped me the bird! This is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight-
[Craig does it again]
Mr. Mackey: There! You just flipped me off again!
Craig: No, I didn't.
Mr. Mackey: Yes, you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room, m'kay? Next!
[Craig hops off the chair as the door opens. The boys enter]
Mr. Mackey: Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric.
Kyle Broflovski: Hi, Craig.
Eric Cartman: Hey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!
Mr. Mackey: Sit down, boys. Now, let's see. What did Mr. Garrison send you in here for?
[Reading the letter]
Mr. Mackey: "The boys were being rude while a choir teacher was giving some stupid presentation..."
Stan Marsh: It's just some dumb activist kids' choir thing.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, young man, Getting Gay With Kids is not dumb, m'kay?


"South Park: Fun with Veal (#6.4)" (2002)
Kyle Broflovski: [after seeing hippies outside the window protesting for the boys] Dude, those gaywads are on our side?
Butters: Oooh, they're all dirty!
Eric Cartman: What did I tell you, Stan! We saved some baby cows from being eaten and now we're no good dirty goddam hippies!

Stan Marsh: Will you help us?
Eric Cartman: Yes. Yes, I will... If Kyle will kiss my black ass.
Kyle Broflovski: What?
Eric Cartman: Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.
Kyle Broflovski: Screw you, Cartman!
Eric Cartman: Okay, but if you want my help, you have to give it just a little kiss. Kiss it.
Stan Marsh: Go on, dude, it's the only way.
Kyle Broflovski: No!
Eric Cartman: Kiss it. Come on, kiss it!
Stan Marsh: Just do it really fast and we can go.
Kyle Broflovski: Have Butters kiss it.
Eric Cartman: No, it has to be Kyle.
[Kyle goes close to Eric's behind, Eric farts in his face]
Kyle Broflovski: Ohh!
Eric Cartman: Aaahahahahaha! Oh man, that was so awesome!
Kyle Broflovski: Sick, I felt it on my face!
Stan Marsh: Okay, very funny, Cartman. Now, come on.
Eric Cartman: Hey, I'm not going with you.


"South Park: Best Friends Forever (#9.4)" (2005)
[the boys arrive at Hell's Pass Hospital and find Kenny in a persistent vegetative state]
Stan: [surprised] Kenny?
Kyle: [jubilant] Kenny! You're alive!
Stan: Dude, how'd you do that?
[pause]
Doctor: He can't respond to you, boys. Being dead for that long caused a severe damage to his brain.
Cartman: Well... well, then he's not alive.
Mrs. McCormick: He's alive. He smiles when I talk to him, I think...
Cartman: That's not Kenny! Kenny sniffs paint and sets things on fire! Here, look.
[climbs onto Kenny's bed, holding up a dollar bill to Kenny]
Cartman: Kenny, Kenny, look. Want a dollar?
[long pause]
Mr. McCormick: I don't know if it's right to keep Kenny alive on that machine. I just... I don't know what he would want.
Stan: Yeah, the lawyer lost that page.
Cartman: Oh, I just remembered! Kenny told me this one time, that he wouldn't wanna be kept alive by a feeding tube.
Mrs. McCormick: He did? When?
Cartman: [figuring out] Um, it was, um, this one time...
Kyle: He did not say that! You just want him dead so you can have his stupid PSP!
Cartman: Stupid? PSP is stupid? Did you all hear that?... Uh, I mean... I mean, this isn't about the PSP, Kyle! This is about my friend and his wishes! And Kenny said he didn't want to live like this!
Kyle: He did not!
Cartman: Did so!
Kyle: Did not!
Cartman: [shouts] Fine! We'll see about this, you freakin' Jew! I'm gonna get that feeding tube removed if I have to go all the way to the Supreme Court!
[walks out the door]

[the crowds gather inside Hell's Pass Hospital in the battle for the feeding tube]
Kyle: [shouts] We all want the country to see that Kenny is alive, and in pain!
Cartman: [shouts] I believe the people at home see he's not in pain because he's a tomato!
Kyle: [shouts] You say tomato, but I say Kenny!
Cartman: [shouts] You say Kenny, but I say tomato!
Cartman's Side: [shouts] Tomato!
Kyle's Side: [shouts] Kenny! Kenny!
Cartman's Side: [shouts] Tomato!


"South Park: HUMANCENTiPAD (#15.1)" (2011)
Stan Marsh: We're trying to find out exactly what Kyle agreed to.
Gerald Broflovski: There can't be anything in that agreement that allows a company to do what they're talking about to Kyle.

Japanese Man: So sorry, Kyle, but I am starving. Which would you rather I eat? Should I eat a cuttlefish and asparagus or the vanilla paste-o?
Kyle Broflovski: [muffled] Vanilla paste! Vanilla paste!


"South Park: Imaginationland: Episode III (#11.12)" (2007)
Superman: [disembodied voice from above] I know that saving people can be a big responsibility, but no matter what it takes, it's worth it.
Kyle Broflovski: I know.
Superman: You can do this, Kyle. Now hang on, because Hercules wants to talk to you.
Kyle Broflovski: Oh, God.
Superman: Yes, God is here, too. He's gonna talk to you right after Captain Crunch.

General: If I'm not mistaken, you were the one who bet that leprechauns weren't real. So why do you care what happens?
Kyle Broflovski: Because I, I... uh... because I think they are real
[sentimental music begins]
Kyle Broflovski: It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he - he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and - and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life - changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They might be imaginary but, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around here long after we're dead. So, in a way, those things are more realer than any of us.


"South Park: Casa Bonita (#7.11)" (2003)
Cartman: Casa Bonita is my favorite place in the whole world, I'll just die if you don't take me. Please.
Kyle: Sorry, my mind is made up.
Cartman: Well fuck you, Kyle! I don't wanna go to your faggy birthday party anyway! I'd rather hang out at home than have to be around you and your Jew mom for a day. Kiss my balls, asshole!
[Storms out the door; reenters a moment later]
Cartman: Dude, I totally didn't mean that, Kyle. I really want to go to Casa Bonita. I'm sorry we had that fight just now, you know, I mean I said some things, you said some things but, I think we've moved past it.
Kyle: I'm not inviting you to Casa Bonita.
Cartman: Well FUCK YOU, Kyle! I hope you die! I hope you fucking die!
[storms out]

Kyle: That isn't it, Cartman.
Cartman: What isn't it?
Kyle: That isn't being nice. That's just wearing a nice sweater.
Cartman: I don't understand the difference.
Kyle: I know you don't.


"South Park: Tonsil Trouble (#12.1)" (2008)
Moderator: I announce that there this is no trace of the HIV in either Klye Broflovski or Eric Cartman. Together these two boys beat their illness. With nothing but each other and overcoming all odds, these two brave friends...
Kyle Broflovski: Oh, stop, we're not friends. He's the one who infected me with AIDS!
Moderator: ...these two brave lovers found the cure and helped the world.

Kyle Broflovski: Will you stop it with that? What part of this is funny to you?
Eric Cartman: Kyle, we need to try to find out...
Kyle Broflovski: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?
Eric Cartman: I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
Kyle Broflovski: Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV positive! This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, so shut the fuck up!
Eric Cartman: Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know, you know, sometimes when things seem their darkest, you just need to try and stay... HIV positive, but if you want to be so HIV negative all the time...
Kyle Broflovski: KNOCK IT OFF, RIGHT NOW! THIS ISN'T FUNNY! AT ALL!
Eric Cartman: Are you sure?
Kyle Broflovski: YES!
Eric Cartman: Are you HIV positive?
[Kyle punches him in the face]
Eric Cartman: Ah! Ow! Fuck, Kyle!


"South Park: Cartoon Wars: Part 1 (#10.3)" (2006)
Eric Cartman: How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time?
Kyle Broflovski: Uh...

Kyle: [after learning of Cartman's plan to destroy Family Guy] You unbelievable son of a bitch!


"South Park: Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery (#3.10)" (1999)
Stan Marsh: Come on, fatass, we have to go.
[Liane laughs]
Cartman: Mom, don't laugh!
Liane Cartman: I'm sorry, honey.
Cartman: I can't go with you guys right now.
Stan Marsh: Yes you can, Porky.
[Liane laughs]
Cartman: Mom, seriously!
Liane Cartman: Now, that isn't funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.
Kyle Broflovski: He must have a huge bone in his ass then.
[Liane laughs hysterically]
Cartman: GODDAMNIT MOM!

Jonathan Davis: All right gang, we have to split up and look for clues!
Stan Marsh: How should we split up?
Jonathan Davis: I know! Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way, and everyone whose insecurity sabotage their potential to overcome those obstacles go that way.
[Everyone says "OK!", then splits up into two roughly equal groups]
Kyle Broflovski: Wow! That was easy!


"South Park: Red Sleigh Down (#6.17)" (2002)
[they've boarded Santa's spare sleigh]
Kyle: How do we start this thing?
Gnome: You just have to call out the reindeer's name.
Cartman: Oh yeah. On Dasher. On Prancer. On Comet...
Gnome: No, no, they're all dead. You have to call out the new ones. On Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace and Chantel, on Skippy, and Rainbow and Patches and Montel.

[Jesus leads the boys on the way to the exit with Santa Claus, then stops at the foot of the stairway and turns around]
Jesus: [shouts] Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on the roof!
[an Iraqi soldier comes down the stairs behind him]
Kyle: [shouts] Jesus, behind you!
[Jesus looks at the boys, and gets shot in the back]
Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [slow motion, in shock] Jesus!
[in slow motion, Jesus wobbles a bit and falls to the floor]
Santa Claus: [in slow motion shock] No!
[he shoots the soldier dead, then runs up to Jesus and holds him in his arms as the motion returns to normal]
Santa Claus: Jesus! Jesus!
[Jesus stammers a bit, but nothing comes out of his mouth]
Santa Claus: No... don't worry, Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.
Jesus: [groaning] You're a... bad liar.
[the boys are speechless]
Jesus: [continues groaning] Yea. But we sure gave them one hell of a fight, huh?
Santa Claus: We sure did, Jesus.
Stan: [finding his voice] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Jesus: [groans] Santa?
Santa Claus: [quickly answers] I'm here, Jesus.
Jesus: [voice turns to a whisper] Don't... don't ever... let them take away... our... Christmas spirit.
[he dies, and his halo vanishes from sight]
Stan: Oh my God. The Iraqis killed Jesus.
Kyle: You bastards.


"South Park: Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics (#3.15)" (1999)
Kyle Broflovski: Hey! Shut your mouth, fat ass!

Kyle Broflovski: [singing] I have a little dreidel, I made it out of clay, and when it's dry and ready with dreidel I shall play, oh dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.


"South Park: The Entity (#5.11)" (2001)
Kyle: My cousin's been here for two weeks and he's driving me insane. I've spent five years in this town making a good name for Jews and this... This stereotype shows up and wrecks it all. You know what my biggest fear is? It's that I'll become him. That some how his mannerisms will rub off on me and I'll become a stereotype. I mean I'm a Jew and he's making me hate Jews.
Stan: Dude, a self-hating Jew, you ARE becoming a stereotype.
Kyle: You see?

Kyle: Kyle, I told you, all kids in Colorado play hide and seek at the airport.
Stan: Yeah, as soon as we get to the concourse you'll see how much fun it is.
Kyle: This is taking too long. That flight to Connecticut is gonna leave. Hey! Can we speed things up here?
Security Officer George: Duh sorry, but ever since that It thing came out, the airlines have had to cut back on employees.
Kyle: Dude, we're the only ones here. How long does it take to get five people through security?
Security Officer George: Let's see... Five people plus times, divided... Two hours domestic, three hours international.
Kyle's Cousin: Can't we just play hide and seek at home?
Kyle: No!
Security Officer George: Aha! What's this?
[removes toe nail clipper from Kenny's coat]
Security Officer George: A toe nail clipper! Die, terrorist!
[shoots Kenny in the head]
Security Officer George: See, we do these checks for a reason.


"South Park: The Death Camp of Tolerance (#6.14)" (2002)
Tolerance Camp Leader: [to Kyle] You, what are you making in your macaroni picture?
Kyle Broflovski: Uh, a bear?
Tolerance Camp Leader: Ein bear? Ein bear has nothing to do with tolerance! You will make what we tell you!
[rips up Kyle's macaroni picture and gives him a new piece of paper]
Tolerance Camp Leader: Start over! Faster! FASTER!
[the leader cocks a gun and points it at Kyle's head]
Tolerance Camp Leader: Faster...
[Kyle hurries up]
Tolerance Camp Leader: Are you done? What have you made?
Kyle Broflovski: [talking fast] It's a picture of all races and all creeds holding hands in happiness!
Tolerance Camp Leader: There! That wasn't so bad, was it? DO IT AGAIN!
[Kyle does another one]
Tolerance Camp Leader: Faster! Faster...

Mr. Garrison: It's been brought to my attention that fourth graders might be too old for Mr. Hat.
Kyle: Two year olds are too old for Mr. Hat.


"South Park: The Succubus (#3.3)" (1999)
Chef's Father: Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?
Stan: You're chef's parents?
Chef's Mother: Yes, all his life.
Kyle: [in a hurry] We have to talk to him!
Chef's Father: Well, he should be out now directly.
Chef's Mother: He's so excited about the wedding now.
Chef's Father: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we met the Loch Ness Monster?
Stan: [impatiently] No, that's okay.
Chef's Father: Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.
Chef's Mother: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, Thomas, what on earth is that creature?"
Chef's Father: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...
Chef's Mother: Oh, it was so scary!
Chef's Father: ...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fitty."
[long pause]
Kyle: What's tree-fitty?
Chef's Father: Tree dollars, and fitty cents.
Chef's Mother: Tree-fitty.
Stan: He wanted money?
Chef's Father: That's right. I said, "I ain't givin' you no tree-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
Chef's Mother: I gave him a dollar.
Chef's Father: She gave him a dollar.
Chef's Mother: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
Chef's Father: Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more!

[the boys are arguing about Chef's new girlfriend]
Stan: Wait, you guys. Maybe... is it possible... that we're just jealous because Chef is our friend, and now he's paying attention to somebody new?
[Silence]
Kyle: Yeah, so?
Stan: Yeah, screw that bitch.


"South Park: Chinpokomon (#3.11)" (1999)
Gerald Brofloski: You see son, fads come and go. And this "Chinpokomon" is nothing more than a fad. You don't have to be a part of it. In fact, you can make an even stronger statement by saying to your peers, "I'm not going to be a part of this fad because I'm an individual." Do you understand?
Kyle: Yes, yes I do, Dad. Now let me tell you how it works in the real world. In the real world, I can either get a Chinpokomon, or be the only kid without one, which singles me out, and causes the other kids to make fun of me and kick my ass.
Gerald Brofloski: Hmm... good point. Here's ten dollars.

Stan Marsh: [after watching the Alabama Man commercial] Gay!
Cartman: Totally gay!
Kyle: Liberace gay!
[the researcher write the word "GAY" on the clipboard and furiously underlines it twice]


"South Park: I'm a Little Bit Country (#7.4)" (2003)
[last lines]
Stan: What the hell are they doing now?
Kyle: I... I don't know.
Townspeople: [singing] For the war against the war who cares 100 episodes!
Kyle: I hate this town, I really really do.

Reporter: [coming up to them ] Boys, why did you walk out of school today?
Stan: Uhhh... war.
Reporter: Yes, and what about the war?
Kyle: Uhh... it's gay?
Reporter: Yes, and what about it is most gay?
Stan: [Reading off his sign] Uhh... no blood for oil.
Kyle: [Reading his sign] War is not my voice.
Cartman: [reading a sign that says "Bush is a Nazi"] Bush is a Nay-zee.


"South Park: Something You Can Do with Your Finger (#4.8)" (2000)
Kyle: What is "fingerbang" anyway?
Cartman: I don't know. I saw it on HBO. I think it's when you use your finger as a gun or something.
Kenny: [mumbling] That's not what it means.
Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? Then what does it mean, Kenny?
Kenny: [mumbling to Cartman about what "Fingerbang" means]
Cartman: Oh, gross, Kenny! Who would want to do that?

Cartman: Gentleman, thank you for coming. This is the beginning of a great time in our lives. God has finally spoken to me guys, and he has told me how I can make Ten million dollars.
Stan: How?
Cartman: Boy band.
Kyle: Boy band?
Cartman: Boy Band.
Stan: I'm not being in any faggy boy band
Cartman: There's nothing faggy about ten million dollars asshole.


Christmas in South Park (2000) (V)
Mr. Garrison: Okay Kyle, why don't you take the prod.
[hands the prod to Kyle]
Kyle: Sweet!
Mr. Garrison: Okay Eric, whenever you're ready
[starts playing a piano]
Eric Cartman: [singing] and, O holy night
[Kyle shocks him]
Eric Cartman: Ow! What was that for? I didn't screw up.
[Kyle laughs]
Eric Cartman: What?
Mr. Garrison: No, Kyle, you can't shock him unless he forgets the words.
Kyle: Sorry, Mr. Garrison.

Kyle: [singing] Instead of eating ham I have to eat Kosher latkes/Instead of Silent Night, I'm singing Hoo Hact Toh Gaveesh/ And what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles, someone tell me please. I'm a Jew. A lonely Jew. On Christmas.


"South Park: Volcano (#1.3)" (1997)
Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this, he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.
Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.
Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.

Kyle: Wanna know what I think?
Stan: What?
[Kyle farts]


"South Park: Super Best Friends (#5.3)" (2001)
Kyle Broflovski: Thanks for saving me. Stan. You're *my* Super Best Friend.
Stan Marsh: You're *my* Super Best Friend too, Kyle.
Eric Cartman: Oh, that's so sweet, you guys! You wanna go get a room so you can make out for a while? Heheheh.
[Kyle and Stan take turns kicking Cartman in the nuts]

Stan: You're my super best friend, Kyle.
Kyle: You're my super best friend, Stan.
Cartman: Oh, that's so sweet you guys. You two want to get a room so you can make out for a while?
[both Stan and Kyle take turns kicking Cartman]


"South Park: World Wide Recorder Concert (#3.17)" (2000)
Kyle Broflovski: Well, that whole experience sure did suck.
Stan Marsh: Yeah, but you know? I learned something today. We were so worried about how cool we looked to those New Yorker kids that we forgot we are already totally cool, even if we don't what queef means.
Mr. Mackey: [Walking by] Queef is a vaginal explosion of gas, mmmkay.

Eric Cartman: You guys! We found it! We found it, you guys!
Kyle Broflovski: Calm down, Cartman.
Stan Marsh: You found what?
Eric Cartman: The brown noise! Kenny and me found the brown noise! Here, look -
[puts soundproof headphones on everyone but Kenny]
Eric Cartman: Ready Kenny?
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Ready!
Eric Cartman: [plays the brown noise on his recorder]
Kenny McCormick: [farting noise. yelps, covers his butt, and runs off]
Stan Marsh: No way...


"South Park: Prehistoric Ice Man (#2.18)" (1999)
Stan: Hey, he's still alive.
[yelling into hole]
Stan: Kyle. Are you OK?
Kyle: I think so. Is Cartman up there?
Cartman: I'm right here, Kyle.
Kyle: Cartman, you *beep*ing hunk of fat, rat *beep*ing hunk of pig *beep*ing ass fat.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Say that to my *face*, pussy!

Stan Marsh: Dude!
Kyle: Help!
[Thud]
Stan Marsh: Good job Cartmen,you killed Kyle!
Kenny McCormick: [Muffled] You bastard!
Cartman: Well he shouldn't have called me fat.
Stan Marsh: Why the hell not, it's like calling the sky "blue".
Cartman: Well screw him, he's dead, let's go look for crocodiles.


South Park: The Stick of Truth (2014) (VG)
Kyle: So, you're the new kid everyone is talking about. What's your name?
[the New Kid doesn't respond]
Elf Warrior: He doesn't talk, Elf King, he thinks he's hot shit or something.


"South Park: Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000 (#4.2)" (2000)
Kyle Broflovski: Hey, fat-ass, how's prison?
Eric Cartman: Well it sucks balls, what do you think?
Stan Marsh: Cartman, why the hell did you have to commit a hate-crime? We're gonna lose to girls because of you!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, so you've gotta bust out of here.
[whispering]
Kyle Broflovski: So we've baked you this cake. There's an ail-nay ile-fay inside of it.
Eric Cartman: A what?
Kyle Broflovski: An ail-nay ile-fay.
Eric Cartman: What's that?
Kyle Broflovski: Listen, agot-fay! An ail-nay ile-fay so you can et-gay out of ison-pray!
Stan Marsh: Yeah, you stupid um-ass-day!
Eric Cartman: I would love to eat a cake, you guys, but they don't let us take anything back to the cells from here.
Kyle Broflovski: They ont-day? Why the ell-hay ot-nay? It ook-tay our-fay ours-hay to ake-bay this od-damn-gay ake-cay and now they otally-tay ew-scray!
Stan Marsh: [confused] ... yeah.


"South Park: Good Times with Weapons (#8.1)" (2004)
[the townsfolk consult with Mayor McDaniels about the incident at the auction]
Man #1: Well, like the rest of you, I am shocked and appalled at what happened! I don't know if the parents are to blame or if it's the times we're living in, but something has to change!
Townsfolk: [amid chatter] Yeah! I agree!
Gerald Brofloski: This is the worst thing that's happened in this town! The worst thing!
Man #2: Yeah! I mean, there were children watching that auction! And when that little eight-year-old-boy walked up and flashed his... penis... it was an outrage!
[the adults go into an uproar again]
Stan: What?
Cartman: What?
Skeeter: Not only that, the auction was televised on public access, so my little daughter watchin' at home saw the... penis! How am I supposed to explain that to her?
Sheila Broflovski: This is what happens when the moral fabric of society breaks down!
[the adults go into an uproar again]
Mr. Garrison: [shouts] You see the damage you've caused, Eric Cartman? What were you thinking?
Cartman: I told you it was a wardrobe malfunction!
[the adults go into an uproar again]
Kyle: Dude, they don't care we knocked Butters' eye out with weapons?
Stan: Just run with it, dude.
Kyle: [looks around, then stands on his chair] Uh, yeah! I agree! Uh, my fragile little eight-year-old mind didn't know how to deal with what I was seeing. Cartman should be punished!
[the adults agree, then go into an uproar again]
Cartman: Hey, fuck you, Kyle!


"South Park: Jared Has Aides (#6.1)" (2002)
Kyle Broflovski: [Butters is frightened and in pain as the boys crank out his body fat in a crude home liposuction] You've got to lose that weight, Butters! How else are we going to make that City Wok commercial?
Cartman: [Butters keeps whining] Shut up, Butters. God! Kenny would have taken it like a man.


"South Park: Cartman Joins NAMBLA (#4.5)" (2000)
[Mr. Eduardo defends himself, and the members of NAMBLA]
Kyle: Dude, you have *sex* with *children*.
Stan: Yeah, you know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
Kyle: Seriously.


"South Park: The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka (#2.6)" (1998)
Eric Cartman: [dressed as an old woman] Why do I have to play the old lady?
Kyle Broflovski: Because old ladies are fat and you are too!


"South Park: Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow (#9.8)" (2005)
Kyle: Can you believe it, Stan? I never thought global warming could happen so fast. I guess I didn't listen.
Stan: Kyle, it... it isn't global warming.
Kyle: Huh?
Stan: Global warming isn't happening right now. It's not what caused the Beaverton flood.
Kyle: How do you know that?
Stan: Because I know what did cause the flood.
Kyle: George Bush?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Terrorists?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Communists?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Chinese radicals?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Cartman?
Stan: Sorta.
Kyle: Cartman flooded Beaverton?
Stan: Shhhh! Not exactly. We were messing around on this guy's new boat and Cartman egged me on, and I crashed it into the Beaverton dam.
Kyle: Dude, you have to tell everybody! Right now!
Cartman: Hey Stan. Aw, goddamn it, you told Kyle, didn't you?
Kyle: Stan, people in Beaverton are still trapped on the roofs! Nobody's helping them because they think they can't go outside!
Cartman: Aw, here we go, see, I told you! If you're so caring, Kyle, why don't you share some of your Jew gold with the people caught in the flood?


"South Park: Lil' Crime Stoppers (#7.6)" (2003)
[last lines]
Butters: Fellas! Hey fellas! I got it! I got my semen sample!
Cartman: You did?
Butters: Yeah. I was up there poundin' my wiener for two days straight, and finally, I thought about Stan's mom's boobs, and this little tiny spooge of... this white stuff came out.
Kyle: That's great, Butters, but we're not playing Detective anymore. We're playing Laundromat owners.
Cartman: Would you like those pants cleaned for four ninety five?


"South Park: Damien (#1.10)" (1998)
Cartman: Oh and look what Kyle's got me, it's a red Megam... Ants in the Pants, Ants in the Pa... Ants in the Pants!
Kyle: It's a game dude, it's really fun.
Cartman: You son of a bitch. You were supposed to get me the red Megaman. Now I can't make Ultra Mega Megaman, you dirty cheap ass piece of crap.
Kyle: They were all out of them, dude.
Cartman: I hate you. I want you to die.


"South Park: Crippled Summer (#14.7)" (2010)
Camp Counsellor: That's it. We're done. You are no longer employed here!
Kyle Broflovski: Please sir!
Camp Counsellor: We need a nice clean towel here at summer camp. We don't need a towel that shoots heroin and has sex for money.
Towelie: Yes, some people are picky about their towels.


"South Park: Cartman Sucks (#11.2)" (2007)
Eric Cartman: And then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! Hahahahahaha!
Kyle Broflovski: Dude!
Eric Cartman: I know, I know. Check it out. Look. I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh, man I got him good.
Stan Marsh: Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in your mouth "getting him"?
Eric Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now!
Kyle Broflovski: No, dude, that makes you gay.
Eric Cartman: ...What?
Kyle Broflovski: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!
Eric Cartman: Nuh-uh!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah-huh!


"South Park: Starvin' Marvin (#1.8)" (1997)
Stan: [on the phone] Hello? Is this Sally Struthers?... Oh.
Kyle: What did she say?
Stan: Shut up, Butt-pirate, I'm trying to hear.
Kyle: Ass-rammer.


"South Park: Starvin' Marvin in Space (#3.13)" (1999)
Kyle Broflovski: Wait, wait. I think I can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these Marklars want to change your Marklar. They don't want this Marklar or any of his Marklars to live here because it's bad for their Marklar. They use Marklar to try and force Marklars to believe their Marklar. If you let them stay here, they will build Marklars and Marklars. They will take all of your Marklars and replace them with Marklars. These Marklars have no good Marklars to live on Marklars so they must come here to Marklar. Please, let these Marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any Marklars, Marklars or Marklars.


"South Park: Canada on Strike (#12.4)" (2008)
Kyle Broflovski: You know, I learned something today.
[quickly]
Kyle Broflovski: We thought we could make money on the Internet. But while the Internet is new and exciting for creative people, it hasn't matured as a distribution mechanism to the extent that one should trade real and immediate opportunities for income for the promise of future online revenue. It will be a few years before digital distribution of media on the Internet can be monetized to an extent that necessitates content producers to forgo their fair value in more traditional media.
Stan Marsh: [pause] Yeah.


"South Park: Butt Out (#7.13)" (2003)
[last lines]
Stan Marsh: Well, I guess we learned our lesson.
Kyle Broflovski: No we didn't, dude! No we didn't!


"South Park: A Very Crappy Christmas (#4.17)" (2000)
Kyle: [about Butters' cutouts of the boys] Of course, Stan's got blue eyes and I have a sharper nose, but these are pretty close!


"South Park: Freak Strike (#6.3)" (2002)
Butters: Wait - Butters' chin? Well, that's me!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah!
Butters: I'm Butters!
Stan: We know, you're the one doing it, Butters, who'd you think we were talking about?
Butters: Well, hold on just a second, you guys...
Eric Cartman: Hey, I know how we get the balls on Butters' chin! Those Star Trek dorks down the street! They're always making crazy masks and special effects for their dumb movies.
Butters: Hang on now...
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah! I bet they can make a fake set of balls! Come on, Butters!
Butters: Wait - why does it have to be me?
Stan: It has to be you, Butters, think about it.
Eric Cartman: Yeah.
Butters: But, fellas, if I go on Maury Povich with my balls on my chin, my parents are gonna be really mad.
Kyle Broflovski: We'll just tell your parents we're going on a camping trip with my parents. They'll never know.
Butters: I'm sorry, but the answer is ut-ah. Ut-ah, ut-ah.
Stan: Kenny would have done it.
[after a few seconds of silence]
Butters: So? I told you guys before: I'm not Kenny!
Kyle Broflovski: We know, believe me, we know. We're reminded every day you're not Kenny, 'cause Kenny was cool.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, God, I wish Kenny was still alive. He'd put balls on his chin. He was such an awsome friend.
Kyle Broflovski: Well, come on, guys. If Butters won't even put balls on his chin for us, I guess we know where we stand.
Eric Cartman: Yeah.


"South Park: Red Man's Greed (#7.7)" (2003)
[last lines]
Alex Glick: Well, I guess we all learned that South Park is more than just a town. It's a community that nobody can split up.
Stan Marsh: Dude, who the hell are you?
Alex Glick: Alex. Alex Glick. I got to come on and do the guest voice thingy.
Kyle Broflovski: What? Get the hell out of here!
Alex Glick: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Joe!


"South Park: Grounded Vindaloop (#18.7)" (2014)
Kyle Broflovski: Well, are you happy, Cartman? Butters is completely traumatized.
Eric Cartman: I'm happy that I totally got away with it.


"South Park: Child Abduction Is Not Funny (#6.11)" (2002)
[the fours' parents are beside them to make sure they don't get abducted]
Mrs. Marsh: Do what you normally would do.
[pause]
Kyle Broflovski: You're such a fatass, Cartman.
Eric Cartman: At least I'm not a stupid jew.
Sheila Broflovski: What, What, WHAT?


"South Park: Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods (#2.11)" (1998)
Mr. Garrison: [Mr. Garrison has just shown his class an episode of Barnaby Jones] Okay, children, what do you think Barnaby Jones meant when he said, "This is not a victimless crime"? Anybody? Children, were you paying attention?
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, we've been watching Barnaby Jones repeats for eight days now. It's hard to keep paying attention.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, well excuse me, Kyle! Why don't you just *forget* what Barnaby Jones has to say? Why don't you *not* pay attention to Barnaby Jones and then let's see how far you get in society?


"South Park: The Wacky Molestation Adventure (#4.16)" (2000)
Kyle: Well, are there any chores I can do?
Mrs. Broflovski: Sure, Kyle. You can go to the concert after you clean your room, shovel the driveway, and bring democracy to Cuba!
Kyle: What's Cuba?
Gerald Brofloski: It's a communist country.
Kyle: Okay. Do I have to shovel the whole driveway, or just the side with the car?


"South Park: Raisins (#7.14)" (2003)
Goth Kid: You just don't know what real pain is.
Kyle: Oh, like you know what pain is! Go try living in a Third-World country, you little pussy!
Goth Kid: I'm not gonna live in a Third-World country with all the conformists.


"South Park: Gnomes (#2.17)" (1998)
Kyle Broflovski: [One of the Underpants Gnomes stays behind and is stared at]
[Whispering]
Kyle Broflovski: Shh! Don't scare him!
Stan Marsh: Hey, there... little guy!
Eric Cartman: Bad!
[Hits the Gnome with a stick]
Kyle Broflovski: Cartman!
Eric Cartman: What?
Kyle Broflovski: Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick?
Eric Cartman: Well look at him... he's all... well... you know... look at him.
[Hits it again]
Underpants Gnome: Is that all you got, Pussy?
Eric Cartman: What?
Stan Marsh: Hey! He talked!
Eric Cartman: Yeah! He just called me a pussy! I'm not a pussy! You're a pussy!
Underpants Gnome: You're a pussy, Pussy!
Eric Cartman: AY!
Stan Marsh: Dude, why are you taking Tweek's underpants?
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, look what you're doing to this poor kid!
Stan Marsh: AUGH!
Underpants Gnome: Stealing underpants BIG BUISNESS!
Stan Marsh: Buisness? Wait! Do you know anything about buisness?
Underpants Gnome: Sure! That's what gnomes do!
Kyle Broflovski: Show us!
Underpants Gnome: Okay! Follow Me!
[They follow him]
Eric Cartman: [Muttering] Little Pussy Gnome! Don't call me a pussy! Pussy Gnome!


"South Park: The Ring (#13.1)" (2009)
[after Tammy performs fellatio on Kenny, he contracts syphilis and dies]
Eric Cartman: I told him. The woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I said.
Kyle Broflovski: Well, now we know.
Eric Cartman: And knowing's half the battle.


"South Park: Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls (#2.9)" (1998)
Mr. Twig: As you may or may not know, the first annual South Park Film Festival begins today.
Kyle Broflovski: They're going to show that stupid ass Godzilla movie, are they?
Mr. Garrison: No Kyle, these are independent films.
Stan: What, like Independence Day? That movie sucked ass too.
Cartman: No dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.


"South Park: Imaginationland: Episode II (#11.11)" (2007)
Eric Cartman: Now, Kyle, when you're sucking my balls, are you gonna think about how right I was about the leprechaun or
[pauses]
Eric Cartman: are you just gonna try and focus how rough and salty my balls feel in your mouth?
Kyle Broflovski: Let's just do it!
Eric Cartman: In time, Kyle. You certainly are eager for balls, aren't you? Are you ball famished? Ball starving? You see, Kyle, I wonder if at this moment, you're actually...
[klaxons blare]


"South Park: The Red Badge of Gayness (#3.14)" (1999)
Kyle Broflovski: [Cartman is attempting to attack a fort at Chattanooga] Give it up, fat ass, there's over 100 National Guard guys here!
Cartman: [in the distance] Suck my ass!


"South Park: Chickenlover (#2.3)" (1998)
Stan Marsh: If we read will we become like that guy?
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah this is stupid, books aren't magical


"South Park: The Tooth Fairy's Tats 2000 (#4.1)" (2000)
Kyle: I've learned something today. You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.
Cartman: [astonished] Tits.


"South Park: D-Yikes! (#11.6)" (2007)
Cartman: [whistling] Kay Pasol! Kay Pasol!
[Mexicans come forward]
Cartman: Alright, did you read the book?
Mexicans: Si, si...
Kyle: What was it about? In case our teacher asks us?
Mexican #1: It starts there the old man... and he job is to catch the feesh... so he get in the boat to try and catch feesh.
Mexican #2: So he catches feesh... but the feesh is very strong, so the old man can't reel in the feesh.
Mexican #3: So then he fight the feesh some more and he finally catch the feesh.
Kyle: So he catches the feesh so he can make money?
Mexican #1: No... on the way home the sharks come and eat the feesh and so
[takes off his hat]
Mexican #1: ...he no make money.
[Sniffs, other Mexicans take off their hats]
Stan: That's it? That's the whole story?
Mexican #1: Si...
Cartman: Alright, did you write the four essays?
Mexican #1: Si, we all wrote eses for you
Boys: Alright!
Cartman: Let's have 'em!
Mexican #3: Have what?
Kyle: You said you all wrote essays, where are they?
Mexican #1: Well, my ese lives in Miami.


"South Park: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig (#1.5)" (1997)
Dr. Mephesto: I'm sorry kids, but pig and elephant DNA just won't splice. Haven't you ever heard that song by Loverboy?
Kyle Broflovski: What song is that?
Dr. Mephesto: [singing] Do do do do, Pig and elephant DNA just won't splice!


"South Park: Sexual Harassment Panda (#3.6)" (1999)
Gerald Brofloski: You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal-democratic society, and democrats make sexual harassment laws, these laws tell us what we can and can't say in the work place, and what we can and can't do in the work place.
Kyle Broflovski: Isn't that fascism?
Gerald Brofloski: No, because we don't call it fascism.


"South Park: You Have 0 Friends (#14.4)" (2010)
Eric Cartman: Ah, here's a guy. Hey dude, how's it going?
Man on Webcam: Hey.
Eric Cartman: This is my friend Kyle, he's looking for some new friends.
Man on Webcam: Oh yeah?
[unzips pants]
Eric Cartman: Oh, he's taken out his penis. OK, next guy...
Kyle Broflovski: Dude, screw this, I don't wanna see anymore.
Eric Cartman: Kyle, this is the way the world works - if you wanna find some quality friends, you gotta wait through all the dicks first.


"South Park: Le Petit Tourette (#11.8)" (2007)
[last lines]
Kyle, Thomas: Aw, shit!


"South Park: Scott Tenorman Must Die (#5.4)" (2001)
[as Scott Tenorman cries after realizing he ate his parents in a bowl of chili, Radiohead arrive at the scene]
Thom Yorke: Uhm, excuse me?
Stan: Who are you?
Jonny Greenwood: We're that band Radiohead.
Scott Tenorman: [raises his head] Jesus!
Ed O'Brien: Jeez, what a li'l crybaby!
Colin Greenwood: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby?
Thom Yorke: You know, everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.
Ed O'Brien: Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool.
Thom Yorke: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.
Phil Selway: Little crybaby!
[Radiohead leave the scene]
Scott Tenorman: No, wait! Waaiittt! Oh, my God, Oh, my Gaawwwd!
[buries his face on the table]
Cartman: [walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Yesss! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott!
[starts licking Scott's tears off his face]
Cartman: Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet!
Kyle: Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.
Stan: Good call.
Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-yummy!
[licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face]
Cartman: Mm-yummy, you guys!
[screen closes to Looney Tunes-style splash]
Cartman: Yuppitibut, that's all, folks!


"South Park: Cartoon Wars: Part 2 (#10.4)" (2006)
Trucker: [Dropping Kyle off at the FOX Network studios] I really hope you succeed, kid. I don't wanna see "Family Guy" go off the air. I really like that show.
Kyle Broflovski: I'll do everything I can.
Trucker: I mean, I know it's just joke after joke, but I like that. At least it dosen't get all preachy and up its own ass with messages, you know?


"South Park: Summer Sucks (#2.8)" (1998)
Stan Marsh: How are your swimming lessons going Cartman?
Eric Cartman: Fine.
Kyle Broflovski: I heard you won't even get in the deep end?
Eric Cartman: Well you heard wrong, hippie!


"South Park: Clubhouses (#2.12)" (1998)
Mr. Garrison: Stan, are you paying attention?
Stan: Yes, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Well then, Stanley, what did I just say?
Stan: [pause] Um, you said that even though Charo appeared 12 times on the Love Boat, the episode with Captain and Tennille got higher ratings.
Mr. Garrison: Well, okay, I suppose you were paying attention.
Kyle: [whispers] Good guess dude.
Stan: [whispers] Phew.


"South Park: Smug Alert! (#10.2)" (2006)
Stan: Kyle, what's going on?
Kyle Broflovski: My dad says he can't live here anymore.
Stan: Mr. Broflovski, please! Kyle's my best friend!
Gerald Broflovski: I'm sorry, Stan, but unfortunately you live in a small-minded town filled with ignorant boobs.


"South Park: Jewpacabra (#16.4)" (2012)
Eric Cartman: Kyle! Kyle! My Hebrew friend! Did you see that it's raining frogs?
Kyle Broflovski: Yes. It's because the pharaoh won't give the Hebrews what they want. God is angry.
Eric Cartman: So God makes it rain frogs? That just kind of seems... mean to frogs, Kyle.
Kyle Broflovski: That's how God is. And if pharaoh doesn't give us what we want, next He's going to kill all Egyptian first-born boys.
Eric Cartman: Wha - okay, look, I'll talk to the pharaoh and see if he'll change his mind.
Kyle Broflovski: It doesn't matter, because God is going to harden pharaoh's heart.
Eric Cartman: What does that mean?
Kyle Broflovski: It mean Jehovah's going to use his powers to keep the pharaoh from letting us go.
Eric Cartman: Well, that doesn't seem very fair, Kyle. I mean, if God is going to make paraoh say "No", then why would he punish him for saying "No"?
Kyle Broflovski: That's just how God is.
Eric Cartman: You're wrong, Kyle. God is not a dick!
[pointing at him]


"South Park: Marjorine (#9.9)" (2005)
Cartman: What if I were to tell you, that the girls have a device which allows them to see into the future.
Stan: [skeptical] What?
Butters: How do you know?
Kyle: The girls do not have a device that shows them the future, Cartman, that is retarded.
Clyde Donovan: You sir have mocked Cartman before yet you too sit here demanding answers? Now damn you let him speak!
Cartman: [shocked] Thank you, Clyde.


"South Park: The Passion of the Jew (#8.3)" (2004)
Man: Hold me.
[coughs]
Man: There is no hope now, you must get out of here.
Kyle: We can't leave without you!
Man: It's okay, I'm done for.
Kyle: No! We can't leave without you! We don't know where the hell we are!


"South Park: Helen Keller! The Musical (#4.13)" (2000)
Timmy: [pointing out turkey] TIMMY!
Farmer: Oh... that one's a little messed up.
Kyle: Timmy, if we go back with that turkey, the other guys will kick our asses.
Farmer: Well, I was just gonna take it out in the back yard and put a bullet in its head...
Timmy: TIMMY!
Kyle: No, dude, don't say that!
Timmy: TIMMY!
Kyle: Fine, how much?
Farmer: Fifty bucks.
Kyle: What? But you were gonna take it in the back yard and put a bullet in its head!
Farmer: Well, now I have to find something else to shoot.
Kyle: Goddamn it, here!
[pays]
Farmer: You know, I have a one-legged pig...
Kyle: Aw, blow it out your ass!


"South Park: Woodland Critter Christmas (#8.14)" (2004)
[last lines]
Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after.
Narrator: Except for Kyle who died of aids two weeks later.
Kyle Broflovski: Goddamnit Cartman!


"South Park: Goobacks (#8.7)" (2004)
Stan: Dude, wait, wait, hold... hold on! Wait a second! This is gay!
Kyle: This is really gay!
Cartman: Yeah, this is even gayer than all the men getting in a big pile and having sex with each other.
Stan: Okay, sorry, my bad. Everyone back in the pile!
Darryl Weathers: [Undressing] Back in the pile, everyone! We're going back to the pile!


"South Park: You're Getting Old (#15.7)" (2011)
Trailer Voice Over: [trailer playing the theater as the kids watch] Jim Carey has a bunch of turds in his apartment.
[Carey farts]
Stan Marsh: Agh!
Eric Cartman: Stan, knock it off!
Stan Marsh: But it's just crap!
Kyle Broflovski: No, they're penguins! Stop it!
Trailer Voice Over: It's Jim Carey in: What ever, you'll pay to go see it. Fuck you! July twelth.


"South Park: Elementary School Musical (#12.13)" (2008)
[Cartman comes into class after saying the previous day that he was going to kill himself]
Kyle Broflovski: What happened, Cartman? I thought you were going to kill yourself.
Eric Cartman: I tried. I went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine running.
Kyle Broflovski: And you didn't die?
Eric Cartman: [sighes] Freaking hybrids, man... they just don't do the trick anymore.


"South Park: Imaginationland (#11.10)" (2007)
Kyle: Where do leprechauns come from?
Mr. Broflovski: From Ireland.
Kyle: So, why would one come to America to warn us about a terrorist attack?
Mrs. Broflovski: Kyle, leprechauns are imaginary. You're nine years old, you should know the difference between real and imaginary.
Kyle: I thought I did.


"South Park: Tsst (#10.7)" (2006)
[Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters are playing Monopoly at Stan's place when Cartman comes in]
Eric Cartman: [gloomy] Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news.
[sighs]
Eric Cartman: I ran away from home.
[the boys just keep on playing like nothing happened]
Eric Cartman: Yeah, my Mom just doesn't care for me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough living on my own. But I'll get by, somehow.
Stan Marsh: [without looking up from the Monopoly board] You can't stay here.
Eric Cartman: [angrily] Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep, I'm out on the streets!
Kyle Broflovski: [also not looking up] You're not staying at my house either.
Eric Cartman: All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore.
Eric Cartman: [angrily] Well, what do you guys expect me to do? Stay at Kenny's house? His family is totally poor, I'm not staying with poor people!
[silence]
Eric Cartman: All right, I'll stay with Kenny, let's go, man.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled and not looking up either] Fuck you.
Eric Cartman: Ha! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down, you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the streets somewhere, in the cold, probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys will be sorry when I turn up dead!
[leaves]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [moves his pawn] Whoopee! J & R Railroad!


"South Park: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride (#1.4)" (1997)
Kyle Broflovski: [playing football] Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it at something. Ready?


"South Park: Pre-School (#8.10)" (2004)
Stan Marsh: You see, Mom, all the kids at school were told to bring a picture of their moms' breasts for anatomy class.
Eric Cartman: [as Stan's mom] I don't know, son, that sounds awfully strange. You cannot have a picture of my hot breasts.
Stan Marsh: But Mom, my teacher will...
Eric Cartman: No, no, no, no. You got to go...
[in soft voice]
Eric Cartman: but mmoooom...
Stan Marsh: But... Mo...
Eric Cartman: But Mmoooom...!
Stan Marsh: This is hopeless.
Kyle Broflovski: Why don't you just sneak into your mom's closet and get a picture when she's changing clothes?
Stan Marsh: That's sick, dude, I'm not taking a picture of my mom's boobs.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] I'll do it!
Stan Marsh: No, you're not doing it either.


"South Park: Ginger Kids (#9.11)" (2005)
Ms. Garrison: Okay kids, looks like we only have time for one more speech today, so let's have, uh, Eric.
Cartman: Thank you, Ms. Garrison. My speech is entitled "Ginger Kids". Children with red hair, light skin, and freckles. We've all seen them. On the playground, at the store, walking on the streets. They creep us out, and make us sick to our stomachs. I'm talking, of course, about Ginger kids.
[slide projector clicks]
Cartman: Aw, sick! Gross! Ginger kids are born with a disease, which causes very light skin, red hair and freckles.
[projector clicks]
Cartman: Aw, nasty, yuck!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: This disease is called "Gingervitis". Kids who have Gingervitis cannot be cured.
[projector clicks]
Cartman: Aw sick!
[click]
Cartman: Gross!
[click]
Cartman: Yuck! Because their skin is so light, Ginger kids must avoid the sun.
[class ooooohs]
Kyle: That's not true, fat ass! I have red hair, and I don't have to avoid the sun.
Cartman: I was getting to that if you'll let me. Some people have red hair, but not light skin and freckles. These people are called daywalkers.
Butters: Ooooooh, Daywalkers!
Kyle: This is all a bunch of crap!
Cartman: Ms. Garrison, I'm really having a difficult time with all these interruptions.
Kyle: People aren't creeped out by gingers!
Butters: I am.
Ms. Garrison: Kyle, if you want to debate Eric, you can do so with your paper tomorrow.
Kyle: Fine, I will!
Cartman: Fine, in the meantime, shut your goddamn Daywalker mouth!
Kyle: Grrrrrrrr!
Cartman: In conclusion, I wil leave you with this. If you think that the ginger problem is not a serious one...
[click]
Cartman: think again!


"South Park: Fishsticks (#13.5)" (2009)
Kyle Broflovski: Jimmy, exactly what part of the fishsticks joke did Cartman write?
Jimmy Valmer: Well, he didn't actually write... any of it.
Kyle Broflovski: Let me guess: you came up with the joke, and Cartman sat on the couch eating Twizzlers?
Jimmy Valmer: Actually, it was potato chips.


"South Park: The Losing Edge (#9.5)" (2005)
Cartman: [the boys are trying to intentionally throw the championship baseball game] At this point in the baseball movie, they usually get a really sweet player to help them win the championship.
Kyle: Like the motorcycle kid in Bad News Bears?
Cartman: Yeah! So we need a player who totally sucks ass.


"South Park: Pandemic (#12.10)" (2008)
Craig: Was there ever a moment, when you had the genius idea of becoming a Peruvian flute band, that you thought, "Hey, ya know, this might backfire."?... No. That never occurs to you guys, 'cause you guys are jerks, and you never learn from your mistakes, and that's why everyone at school thinks you guys are assholes.
Kyle: That's not true! People at school like us! Don't they?
Stan: Yeah, Craig's just being a dick because we're going through a tough time right now.
Craig: I'm being a dick?
Stan: Yes!
Craig: You guys took my birthday money, got me arrested and sent to Miami with no way home except to take down the country of Peru, and *I'm being a dick?*
Cartman: There's no talking to this guy!


"South Park: Go God Go XII (#10.13)" (2006)
[the phone rings in Kyle's house, and Kyle goes to answer it]
Kyle: Hello?
[he gets static until... ]
Cartman: [voice from the future] Hello? Kyle?
Kyle: Hello?
Cartman: Yes. Hello, Kyle. It's Eric. Uh, how's it going?
Kyle: [angry] What do you want?
Cartman: Kyle, you are the smartest guy I know, so I think maybe you're the only person who can understand this. You know how earlier today I asked you to help me freeze myself?
Kyle: I'm not gonna help you freeze yourself, Cartman! It's a stupid idea!
Cartman: No, see, I *know* it's a stupid idea. Because I actually did freeze myself and... you were right, Kyle. It backfired and I was frozen for 500 years, and now I'm calling you from the future.
Kyle: [with half-closed eyes] ... Uh huh.
Cartman: No, really, Kyle, I'm, I'm seriously. Here, talk to my robot dog.
[backs up to hand the phone to K-10]
K-10: Bark bark. Hello, Kyle. Bark bark.
Kyle: [pause] I'm hanging up now.
Cartman: [shouts] No, Kyle, listen! Please! I think right about now, I'm in my mom's freezer.
Kyle: Suck my balls, fatass!
Cartman: [pause] I will. I will suck your balls, Kyle. Just stop me from freezing myself, and I will get down on my knees, and I will suck your balls. I'll suck 'em dry, Kyle.
[a car honks its horn, and Kyle looks over as it leaves]
Kyle: [shouts] Aw, goddammit, now you've made me miss my ride! My whole day is screwed up because of you!
[he hangs up the phone]