Kenny McCormick
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Quotes for
Kenny McCormick (Character)
from "South Park" (1997)

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South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)
[the boys have just watched an edited version of "Asses of Fire" and are leaving the theater with the other kids, past the ticket booth again]
Kyle: Man, this movie gets better every time I see it!
Ticket Taker: Hey!
Cartman: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yeah, you can!
Cartman: [stops and turns] No way.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. You can *too* light a fart on fire.
Cartman: Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a fart on fire.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. Check it out.
[he lights his fart on fire and laughs; his parka suddenly erupts in flames and he screams in horror; the boys are shocked]
Stan: Holy shit, dude!
Cartman: Ah! Oh my God! Hey!
[begins beating Kenny with a stick]
Cartman: Aw, shit! Aw, shit!
Stan: [steps forward and yells] Help! Somebody do something!
[he steps back and the stick lights up]
Cartman: Aahh! This stick is on fire!
[an ambulance rushes up and stops, but a Russell's Salt truck rushes up and bumps it away; the truck bed lifts up at the front end and dumps the salt on Kenny; if the fire was injury, this is insult]
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Ooowww!
[the ambulance siren dies and the salt doesn't move; the boys stare at the truck]
Stan: Oh my God, you killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Cartman: Wow, I guess you *can* light a fart on fire, huh?

Stan Marsh: Dude, dude, wake up!
[Kenny does so and gets dressed]
Stan Marsh: Kenny, come on!
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Coming!
Stan Marsh: Kenny! The new Terrance and Phillip movie is out! You wanna come with me?
Kenny McCormick: Yeah, dude! Come on, let's go, quick...
[They walk away... ]
Kenny's Mom: [appears at the door] Where'd you think YOU'RE going?
Kenny McCormick: We're going to the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Kenny's Mom: You can't, you gotta go to church.
Kenny McCormick: But mom, I really wanna see this movie!
Kenny's Mom: Fine. You go ahead and miss church. And then, when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!
Kenny McCormick: ...Okay!

Cartman: [to Kyle] Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Cartman: Jew?
Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: Fuck!
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison: [angrily] How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
[the whole class gasps]
Mr. Garrison: [furiously] What did you say?
Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...
[Cartman picks up a megaphone]
[Mr. Garrison is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth]
Stan: Holy shit, dude.

[his last words]
Kenny: Mmf mm mpf mm mommmppf mmf momm mmom mf mff. Mff mffs mmmph mmf, mmph? Mmmpf mpph.

Kenny's Mom: Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church and then when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!
Kenny: [pauses] Okay!

Kenny: Goodbye, you guys.

"South Park: The Jeffersons (#8.6)" (2004)
Kenny: [after Kyle, Stan and Blanket come running into the room] You guys. What the hell is going on out there?
Mr Jefferson: Blanket come and play with me.
Kenny: Oh wait. I'm not blanket. Stop! Stop!
[Mr Jefferson throws Kenny so high that his head gets lodged in the ceiling and he bleeds to death]
Stan: Oh my god! He killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!

Stan: Hey, thanks for doing this for us, Kenny.
Kenny: Yeah. sure, whatever.
Stan: We've got to rescue Blanket from Mr. Jefferson.
Kenny: Aren't am I too big to be Blanket?
Kyle: I don't think Mr. Jefferson pays enough attention his son to notice.
Kenny: All right, but you guys owe me big time.
Stan: Sure, whatever. At least you finally get to do something.

Kenny: All right, but you guys owe me for this!
Stan: Dude, whatever. At least you finally get to do something.

Kenny: [after Kyle, Stan and Blanket come running into the room] You guys, what the hell is going on out there?
Mr Jefferson: Blanket, come and play with me.
Kenny: Oh, wait. I'm not blanket. Stop! Stop!
[Mr Jefferson throws Kenny so high that his head gets lodged in the ceiling and he bleeds to death]
Stan: Oh, my God! He killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!

"South Park: Kenny Dies (#5.13)" (2001)
Man: [from the Wish Come True Foundation] I know, I'll bet you'd like to meet Madonna, huh?
Kenny: [rapid-fire mumbling]
Man: What was that?
Kyle: He said Madonna is an old, anorexic whore who wore out her welcome years ago and that now she suddenly speaks with an Brittish accent and she thinks she can play guitar and she should go fuck herself.
Madonna: Should I come in now?
Man: Um, not quite yet.

Cartman: Guess what I have sitting in my backyard?
Kyle: A trampoline?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: A boat?
Cartman: Better.
Kenny: [muffled] A fucking machine?
Cartman: Better.

Woman: [rrom the Make-A-Wish Foundation] So, Kenny, if you could have one wish, what would it be?
Man: What's your wish, pal?
Kenny: [muffled] I guess the only thing I wish is not to die.
Woman: What did he say?
Kyle: He said his wish is not to die.
[long stretch of silence]
Woman: Okay, and what if you're gonna have two wishes? What would the second one be?

Man: [from the Make-A-Wish Foundation] I know! I'll bet you wanna meet Madonna, huh?
Kenny: [muffled] No. Fuckin' Madonna...
[his words trail off and are hard to understand]
Man: What was that?
Kyle: He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore who wore out her welcome years ago, and that now she suddenly speaks with a British accent and she thinks she can play guitar and she should go fuck herself.
[the Foundation reps are stunned]
Madonna: [appearing in the doorway] Should I come in now?
Man: Um, not quite yet.

"South Park: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (#1.1)" (1997)
[Wendy has just given Stan a note]
Kyle: What does the note say?
Stan: Holy Crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school!
Kyle: Whoa. Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue!
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her!
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
Kenny McCormick: [Kenny laughs; the others get it and join in]

[Wendy has just given Stan a note]
Kyle: What does the note say?
Stan: Holy Crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school!
Kyle: Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue!
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Or you could slide your finger up her pussy!
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat- oh.
[Kenny laughs]

Kyle: Dude, what does the note say?
Stan: [glances at it] Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.
[look of wonder on his face]
Kyle: Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny: [muffled] Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
[Kenny waits to see if the others got the message, then laughs; the rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant]

[first lines]
Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny: [singing] School days, school days / dear old golden rule...
Kyle: Aww, dammit! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again!
Ike: E bonanner!
Kyle: Ike, you can't come to school with me!
Cartman: Yeah, go home you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!
Stan: What's a dildo?
Kyle: I don't know. And I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!
Cartman: I know what it means!
Kyle: Well, what?
Cartman: [pause] I'm not telling you!
Stan: What's a dildo, Kenny?
[Kenny mumbles through his snow suit, then Cartman and Stan laugh]

"South Park: Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000 (#4.2)" (2000)
Eric Cartman: [having been found guilty of a hate crime, knocks on Kenny's door, panicked] Kenny! Kennyyouhavetogetmeoutoftown!
Kenny McCormick: [muffled, but audible] What the fuck for?
Eric Cartman: They're gonna put me in jail for a hate crime! You have to take me to Mexico!
Kenny McCormick: [muffled, but audible] Mexico? Why the heck do I have to take you all the way to Mexico?
Eric Cartman: [hits Kenny] Calm down, Kenny.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Hey!
[rubs the area that Cartman hit]
Eric Cartman: Do you still have that battery powered toy truck you got last Christmas?
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes.
Eric Cartman: Well come on! I don't have much time!

Eric Cartman: [Cartman and Kenny are being chased] Dammit, Kenny! Can't this thing go any faster?
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Why don't you keep your head down?

"South Park: Best Friends Forever (#9.4)" (2005)
[the boys arrive at Hell's Pass Hospital and find Kenny in a persistent vegetative state]
Stan: [surprised] Kenny?
Kyle: [jubilant] Kenny! You're alive!
Stan: Dude, how'd you do that?
Doctor: He can't respond to you, boys. Being dead for that long caused a severe damage to his brain.
Cartman: Well... well, then he's not alive.
Mrs. McCormick: He's alive. He smiles when I talk to him, I think...
Cartman: That's not Kenny! Kenny sniffs paint and sets things on fire! Here, look.
[climbs onto Kenny's bed, holding up a dollar bill to Kenny]
Cartman: Kenny, Kenny, look. Want a dollar?
[long pause]
Mr. McCormick: I don't know if it's right to keep Kenny alive on that machine. I just... I don't know what he would want.
Stan: Yeah, the lawyer lost that page.
Cartman: Oh, I just remembered! Kenny told me this one time, that he wouldn't wanna be kept alive by a feeding tube.
Mrs. McCormick: He did? When?
Cartman: [figuring out] Um, it was, um, this one time...
Kyle: He did not say that! You just want him dead so you can have his stupid PSP!
Cartman: Stupid? PSP is stupid? Did you all hear that?... Uh, I mean... I mean, this isn't about the PSP, Kyle! This is about my friend and his wishes! And Kenny said he didn't want to live like this!
Kyle: He did not!
Cartman: Did so!
Kyle: Did not!
Cartman: [shouts] Fine! We'll see about this, you freakin' Jew! I'm gonna get that feeding tube removed if I have to go all the way to the Supreme Court!
[walks out the door]

[Kenny has just reached level 60 on the PSP game]
Kenny: [muffled] Yes!
[he dances around in jubilee]
Kenny: [muffled] Woohoo! I did it! I reached level s...
[a truck runs him over]
Driver: [playing his PSP] Oh yeah, level 4, sweet!

"South Park: Tom's Rhinoplasty (#1.11)" (1998)
Miss Ellen: Why, that's a very scrumptious sausage, Kenny. Thank you.
Kenny: Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.

Kenny: MMffm mmfmm mmmfmmm.
Stan: You can say that agian, Kenny.
Kenny: MMffm mmfmm mmmfmmm.

"South Park: Chickenpox (#2.10)" (1998)
Mr. McCormick: [explaining to Kyle why he isn't as successful as Kyle's father] And do you know why? Because your Dad's Jewish!
Cartman: I heard that!

Mr. McCormick: Hey. We don't say "fuck" at the table, you little asshole.

"South Park: Sexual Healing (#14.1)" (2010)
Kenny McCormick: [Mufffled] Autoerotic asphyxiation? What's that?
Researcher: I don't want to go into too much detail, but you choke yourself with a belt around your neck while masturbating dressed up like Batman or something and you pass out from lack of air and apparently it makes your orgasms super awesome.
Kenny McCormick: [Muffled] Really?
Butters: Oh no. I don't wanna have to buy a Batman costume!

"South Park: Cartman Joins NAMBLA (#4.5)" (2000)
Mrs. McCormick: Are you all right, Stuart?
Mr. McCormick: Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned and been made love to in the ass by three dozen forty-year-old men! I just want to go home and take a... a hot bath!

"South Park: Starvin' Marvin (#1.8)" (1997)
[last lines]
[Kenny's family's dinner is a can of green beans]
Mrs. McCormick: Does anybody have a can opener?
Mr. McCormick: Goddammit.

"South Park: A Ladder to Heaven (#6.12)" (2002)
Carol McCormick: You see, boys, Kenny's in here.
[pours out a bit, but the remains are white]
Carol McCormick: Huh?
[pours a bit onto her hand]
Carol McCormick: Wait a minute; this is kitty litter!
Eric Cartman: All right. All right. I drank the chocolate milk mix and replaced it with kitty litter.
Stuart McCormick: [shocked] You what?
Stan Marsh: [shocked] Dude! Don't you know what this means? You drank Kenny!
Eric Cartman: Shut up!
Kyle Broflovski: [shocked] You did, dude; you drank his whole body!
Eric Cartman: Shut up!
Carol McCormick: [almost crying] Oh my god, this is awful... and disgusting!

"South Park: A Nightmare on Facetime (#16.12)" (2012)
Mr. Peterson: Oh, wow! Look honey! It's Ironman, Captain America, Thor, and Bruce Vilanch!
[stopping on Cartman who is painted green and dressed like the Hulk]
Eric Cartman: I'm not Bruce Vilanch.
Mr. Peterson: Oh, what are you supposed to be? Oh! Oh! Right! You're supposed to be that, um, ahhh...
Eric Cartman: Thee incredible...
Mr. Peterson: Right! Thee incredible Chaz Bono. Remember, honey? Dancing With the Stars? The fat transexual.
Mrs. Peterson: Oooh, cute!
Eric Cartman: No! Not Chaz Bono! Do you see my skin? I'm green!
Mrs. Peterson: Ah - thee incredible Harvey Fierstein?
Mr. Peterson: No, Harvey Fierstein's just gay and fat honey, he's not green.
Eric Cartman: The person I'm dressed as it not fat and not gay!
Mr. Peterson: Thee incredibly fat and skinny gay man?
Eric Cartman: Just give us some fucking candy!
[they walk to the next house]
Eric Cartman: It's Stan's sutpid Captain America costume, that's what's throwing everybody off. How is everybody supposed to get that I'm the Hulk when Captain America is on freakin' Face Time!
Kenny McCormick: Trick-or-Treat!
Mr. Peterson: Ooohhh! It's the Avengers!
Eric Cartman: That's right!
Man at the next house: Oh, and Honey Boo Boo! Kids, come see the green Honey Boo Boo!
[looking at Eric]

"South Park: Make Love, Not Warcraft (#10.8)" (2006)
[scenes from World of Warcraft are shown; various beings mill around, then the camera pans down and a red-bearded dwarf with a mallet walks into view]
Cartman: [the dwarf] Oh, dude! I just took the biggest crap. Hey, where are you guys?
Kyle: [voice only] We're over here, by the cart.
[POV switches to other characters; a blue warrior, a female green mage and an orange hunter stand around waiting for the dwarf, who walks into the group]
Cartman: Okay, I'm back.
Stan: [the blue warrior with a sword and shield] Dude! We've been waiting forever!
Cartman: Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a dump!
Kyle: [the female green mage] If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!
Cartman: Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a frickin' girl!
Kenny: [the orange hunter, muffled] I think Kyle has fake titties, ha ha!
Cartman: [laughing] Totally, heheh.
Kyle: Come on, we have to finish the quest in Stonehaven.
[his character walks off, and the others follow her]
Randy Marsh: [voice only] Stan?
[Stan stops]
Randy Marsh: Staaan?
Stan: Hang on, guys, my dad wants something.
[Stan's character waits for his father Randy to show up]

"South Park: Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods (#2.11)" (1998)
Kenny: [haiku] Mmmf mmmf mmf mff mmf / Mmf mmmf mmf mff mmf mmmf mmf / Mmmf mff mff mmf mmf
[class laughs]
Stan: What's a discharge?

"South Park: The Ring (#13.1)" (2009)
Eric Cartman: Your girlfriend is a slut, dude.
Kenny McCormick: [pause] Woohoo!
[he runs off jumping for joy]
Eric Cartman: He took it pretty well.

"South Park: Cherokee Hair Tampons (#4.6)" (2000)
Stan: What would I do if Kyle died, Kenny? I'd never see him again!
Kenny: That does it! I'm sick and tired of this bullshit. Screw you guys, I'm going home!
[a piano falls, crushing him]

"South Park: Something You Can Do with Your Finger (#4.8)" (2000)
Kyle: What is "fingerbang" anyway?
Cartman: I don't know. I saw it on HBO. I think it's when you use your finger as a gun or something.
Kenny: [mumbling] That's not what it means.
Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? Then what does it mean, Kenny?
Kenny: [mumbling to Cartman about what "Fingerbang" means]
Cartman: Oh, gross, Kenny! Who would want to do that?

"South Park: Cancelled (#7.1)" (2003)
[Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny are waiting by the school bus stop. This scene is a rehash of the series' first episode "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe."]
Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny: [singing] School days, school days, teacher's golden rule days...
[Ike jumps in next to Kyle]
Kyle: Ah, damn it!
Cartman: What?
Kyle: My God-damned little brother's trying to follow me to school, again!
Ike Broflovski: Suck my balls.
Kyle: No, Ike. You can't come to school with me!
Cartman: Yeah! Go home, you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!
Cartman: Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dickhead!
[as the boys laugh, Kyle picks up Ike by the legs and swings him sideways, whacking Cartman in the face]
Stan: Dude, sweet!
Kyle: Yeah, check it out!
[Puts Ike down]
Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike Broflovski: Don't kick the God-damned baby!
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Kyle kicks Ike to the other side of the street]

"South Park: The Passion of the Jew (#8.3)" (2004)
[after seeing The Passion of the Christ]
Stan: Hey, we want our money back.
Ticket Seller: Huh?
Stan: That movie sucked ass. Give us back our $18.
Ticket Seller: I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie.
Stan: That wasn't a movie. That was a snuff film.
Kenny: [muffled] Yeah.
Stan: You can't charge people to watch a guy get tortured for two hours.
Ticket Seller: That guy happens to be Jesus and he went through all that to pay for your sins.
Stan: We go to church to learn that stuff. We go to movies to be entertained. We weren't entertained and we want our money back!
Ticket Seller: I'm not allowed to give your money back after you've sat through the whole movie. You'd have to take your complaint up with the film's producers.
Stan: What, Mel Gibson? You're saying we have to get our money back from Mel Gibson?
Ticket Seller: Yeah, I'd like to see you try.
Stan: Oh, we will. This is America, and in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back!

"South Park: World Wide Recorder Concert (#3.17)" (2000)
Eric Cartman: You guys! We found it! We found it, you guys!
Kyle Broflovski: Calm down, Cartman.
Stan Marsh: You found what?
Eric Cartman: The brown noise! Kenny and me found the brown noise! Here, look -
[puts soundproof headphones on everyone but Kenny]
Eric Cartman: Ready Kenny?
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Ready!
Eric Cartman: [plays the brown noise on his recorder]
Kenny McCormick: [farting noise. yelps, covers his butt, and runs off]
Stan Marsh: No way...

"South Park: Tsst (#10.7)" (2006)
[Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters are playing Monopoly at Stan's place when Cartman comes in]
Eric Cartman: [gloomy] Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news.
Eric Cartman: I ran away from home.
[the boys just keep on playing like nothing happened]
Eric Cartman: Yeah, my Mom just doesn't care for me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough living on my own. But I'll get by, somehow.
Stan Marsh: [without looking up from the Monopoly board] You can't stay here.
Eric Cartman: [angrily] Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep, I'm out on the streets!
Kyle Broflovski: [also not looking up] You're not staying at my house either.
Eric Cartman: All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore.
Eric Cartman: [angrily] Well, what do you guys expect me to do? Stay at Kenny's house? His family is totally poor, I'm not staying with poor people!
Eric Cartman: All right, I'll stay with Kenny, let's go, man.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled and not looking up either] Fuck you.
Eric Cartman: Ha! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down, you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the streets somewhere, in the cold, probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys will be sorry when I turn up dead!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [moves his pawn] Whoopee! J & R Railroad!

"South Park: Pre-School (#8.10)" (2004)
Stan Marsh: You see, Mom, all the kids at school were told to bring a picture of their moms' breasts for anatomy class.
Eric Cartman: [as Stan's mom] I don't know, son, that sounds awfully strange. You cannot have a picture of my hot breasts.
Stan Marsh: But Mom, my teacher will...
Eric Cartman: No, no, no, no. You got to go...
[in soft voice]
Eric Cartman: but mmoooom...
Stan Marsh: But... Mo...
Eric Cartman: But Mmoooom...!
Stan Marsh: This is hopeless.
Kyle Broflovski: Why don't you just sneak into your mom's closet and get a picture when she's changing clothes?
Stan Marsh: That's sick, dude, I'm not taking a picture of my mom's boobs.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] I'll do it!
Stan Marsh: No, you're not doing it either.

"South Park: Prehistoric Ice Man (#2.18)" (1999)
Stan Marsh: Oh my God, they killed Kyle!
Kenny McCormick: [mumbling] You bastards!

"South Park: The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs (#14.2)" (2010)
Stan: [reading "Catcher In The Rye"] Did you get to *any* dirty parts yet?
Kyle: [also reading "Catcher..."] No! It's still just some whiny, annoying teenager talking about how lame he is.
Stan: I don't get it, dude. What's so controversial about this? All he's done is said "shit" and "fuck" a few times.
Kyle: I know! I'm almost at the end and there's nothing.
Eric: [enters, slamming door] Mother fucker! The whole thing. I read the whole *fucking* thing! I kept thinking, alright, the cool, offensive stuff must be coming. And then after a hundred pages I was like, *alright*, I guess all the dirty stuff is at the end. And then I got to the last page! And I was all, what da fuck is this! I JUST READ A BOOK, FOR NOTHING!
Kyle: Why the hell was this book banned?
Eric: They fucking tricked us, that's what they did! Tricked us into reading a book by enticing us with promises of vulgarity.
Kenny: [enters, mumbles] Dude, what the fuck is this...
[rest is indecipherable]
Eric: We know! We we're just saying that.
Stan: Why would anyone think this book was obscene and dangerous?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [just finished reading "Catcher..."] Kill John Lennon. Kill John Lennon. *Kill* John Lennon!