Butters Stotch
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Quotes for
Butters Stotch (Character)
from "South Park" (1997)

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"South Park: Butters' Very Own Episode (#5.14)" (2001)
Butter's Dad: Son, sometimes it's OK to tell a little white lie. Like when you catch your father jacking off in a gay men's bath house.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Oh okay. Who's Jack?

Butters: [reporting to his mother what he saw when he spied on his father, who was on gay escapades] Yeah, and then he went wrestling.
Mrs. Stotch: Wrestling?
Butters: Yeah, he wasn't very good, this one guy had him pinned for 15 minutes straight.
[Mrs. Stotch faints]
Butters: Have a good trip? See you next fall.

[repeated lines]
Background Singers: Everyone knows it's Butters!
Butters: That's me!

Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [Final lines] Gee, I wish I didn't know all that stuff. I guess I learned that sometimes, lying *can* be for the best.
[Forces a smile]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Oh well, when I get to Bennigan's and have a blue-cheese chipotle burger, I'll forget all about my - my dad bein' queer and my mom tryin' to kill me.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: I'm gonna be okay!
[Stan asks if he's really okay]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Naw, I'm lyin'.

Butters: Will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road?
Hick Gas Station Mechanic: Dat road leads to Conifer. You want ta go to South Park you gotta go down dat road.
[scary road, lighting, ominous music]
Hick Gas Station Mechanic: Course I ain't never seen anyone go up that road. Six years ago a group of campers went out dere and got lost, had to eat each other to stay alive. Used to be da way to da O'Reilly house, he butchered over 50 children and kept der bodies in his cellar. But you should find an old bridge 'bout half way up. Dat bridge is cursed, ya know. Dey built it with the bones of 200 Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Ya, a lot of history on dat road.
Butters: Well, it's my parents' anniversary tomorrow, and they're gonna be awful sad if I'm not there with them.
Hick Gas Station Mechanic: Well, good luck den.
[Butters walks away]
Butters: Oh, jeez.
Hick Gas Station Mechanic: ...or is South Park down dat road?

"South Park: AWESOM-O (#8.5)" (2004)
Butters: I'm so glad you came into my life, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O. You're the best friend a guy could have.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: [Cartman] Yes. You can trust A.W.E.S.O.M.-O. In fact, you should tell A.W.E.S.O.M.-O all your most personal secrets. A.W.E.S.O.M.-O will not make fun of you or tell your secrets to other people and stuff.
Butters: Hey yeah. I can tell you anything. Let's see, well, for one, I have what's called a "heshiated colon", which means I sometimes can't control my sphincter.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: [snickers] Really?
Butters: Nobody knows this, but sometimes I poop my pants so I have to wear a diaper to school.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: [stifles laughter]
Butters: You okay, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O?
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: Yes. A.W.E.S.O.M.-O is fine. Please go on.
Butters: Well, I have to take medicine for it everyday. It's this suppository I have to put up my rectum. And, oh, my parents don't know this, but sometimes I get picked on by this one kid at school. His name is Eric Cartman. And he always tries to play jokes on me and stuff. One time he made me think a meteor had hit the earth and convinced me to stay down in a bomb shelter for three days.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: [stifles laughter] Wow. That sucks.
Butters: And then this other time, he pretended to be me on the phone to my dad and called him a pussy. So my dad came home and beat me.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: [stifles laughter] Wow. Sounds like this Cartman kid is pretty smart.
Butters: He's not smart. He's just an asshole. And he's never gonna play a trick on me ever again.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: Really, you don't think so? Well guess what, Butters? I have a surprise for you.
Butters: Yeah, he's never gonna get me again. Because what Cartman doesn't know is that I know one of his secrets.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: What?
Butters: When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up like Britney Spears and pretend he's her. He sings and dances around with a life-size cut out of Justin Timberlake. And I videptaped him doing it. I've got the whole thing on tape, even him making out with the Justin Timberlake cut-out. And if Cartman ever messes with me again, I'm gonna show that video to everybody. And then I'll have my revenge, boy-howdy.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: Um, where is this video tape? Maybe you should give A.W.E.S.O.M.-O the video tape, well because, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O can like, back it up for you and make copies and stuff. I am A.W.E.S.O.M.-O.
Butters: That's all right, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O. Come on, I got a lot of things to teach you.

Butters: I gotta put in my suppository. Can you help me?
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: [Cartman] What?
Butters: Remember I said I put that medicinal suppository in my anus? It will be so much easier having you do it from now on.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: Um, actually, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O is not programmed for that function.
Butters: A.W.E.S.O.M.-O, I thought you were programmed to do whatever I tell you. Yeah, that's pretty good. Get it up there good and deep.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: Lame.

Butters: [Cartman is pretending to be Butters's robot Awesom-o, and he's been giving movie ideas to movie producers] Can you believe those guys paid us a hundred dollars apiece for those movie ideas?
Cartman: [as "Awesom-o"] You should split that money with AWESOM-O. After all, they were AWESOM-O's ideas.
Butters: Hahaa, right! What are you gonna do with money, AWESOM-O? Buy some robot pants? No, we got each other and that's all we need, AWESOM-O. I'm gonna send this money to needy kids in third-world countries.
Cartman: [Desperate] Ahhh, ahhh!
Butters: You okay, AWESOM-O?
Cartman: AWESOM-O needs to rest! Feeling faint!

A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: [Cartman] Movie idea #2,305: Adam Sandler is trapped on a deserted island and falls in love with a coconut.
Producer: Great. Great, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O. Uh, guys, take a break. I need a minute alone with A.W.E.S.O.M.-O.
Executive: Okay.
Producer: You are an incredible robot, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O. I was just wondering, are you by chance a *pleasure* model?
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: What?
Producer: Have you been programmed to satisfy urges of humans?
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: A.W.E.S.O.M.-O does not understand.
Producer: Let me show you what I mean.
Butters: [on the phone] Yeah, we're having a great time, Aunt Nellie. The movie studio guys are real nice.
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: Lame!
[bursts out of the board room, followed by a pants-less Producer]
A.W.E.S.O.M.-O: Not cool! Totally lame!

"South Park: Breast Cancer Show Ever (#12.9)" (2008)
[Everyone is watching Wendy fight Cartman]
Butters: Fuck him up, Wendy!

Butters: Eric, what's going on? Everyone's saying you got detention on purpouse to get out of fighting Wendy
Eric Cartman: What? That's ridiculous!
Butters: But some people think you crapped on the teacher's desk to get out of the fight!
Eric Cartman: That's not why I did it!
Craig: Then why'd you crap on Garrison's desk?
Eric Cartman: Because, I'm hardcore! Y'know, I'm anti-establishment, that's how I roll dogs, I do hardcore stuff like that!
Butters: That's what I said! I told everyone outside "Cartman ain't scared of fighting Wendy, he'd do it if he could!"
Eric Cartman: Damn straight! I just got all punk rock, and got detention y'know, just a bad dude!
Craig: OK, that's good, because we've moved the fight the first thing in the morning tommorow!
Jimmy: Before school starts, everyone's gonna get there early!
Eric Cartman: Huh?
Butters: That way, it won't matter if you get detention
Mr Mackey: [in the background] Eric, get your buns back here, mkay!
Jimmy: Wendy said she'd be here an hour before school starts, see you in the morning, ch-ch-champ!
Wendy Testaburger: [Cartman goes back to the chair he sat on, and finds Wendy knocking on the window] Tomorrow morning, you fucking die tomorrow morning!

Butters: [in lunch] Geez, I can't believe Wendy's fighting you after school.
Token Black: She is *pissed* off.
Eric Cartman: [confident] She is *not* gonna show up to a fight, dawg; I'm sure she's already trying to figure out a way to get out of it.
Clyde Donovan: Hey, check it out; she's totally staring you down.
[Wendy, who looks angry, is staring unblinking at Cartman]
Clyde Donovan: She sure seems confident. You should probably go easy on her, dude; you don't wanna put her in the hospital or anything.
Eric Cartman: [getting less confident] Yeah, I'm just gonna teach her a lesson; I'm not gonna totally... kick her ass...
[Wendy makes a fist with her right hand and punches her open left hand. Cartman starts to get extremely worried]
Jimmy: Can't go too easy on her, though; God forbid she gets in a g-good punch and b-beats you.
Butters: Yeah; if you got beat up by a girl, everyone would think you were a faggot.
[Cartman's confidence plummets and he panics, as all he sees is Wendy's face]

"South Park: The Death of Eric Cartman (#9.6)" (2005)
Cartman: Well, it's all done. My soul is at peace. I think I can go now.
Butters: So I won't see you again?
Cartman: Don't be sad butters. What awaits each person in heaven is eternal bliss, divine rest, and ten thousand dollars in cash.

Stephen Stotch: There's no reason to be afraid of things that aren't real; there's plenty of real things to be scared of. Like super AIDs.
Butters: Ah, s-super AIDs?
Stephen Stotch: That's right. A new form of AIDs that is resistant to drugs. Just one tea spoon of super AIDs in your butt and you're dead in three years.
Butters: Agh! Oh, Jesus!
Stephen Stotch: So, now you feel better? Ghosts don't exist, and there's nothing to be afraid of. Except for super AIDs.

Butters: Preacher says that sometimes before your soul can be at peace, you have to atone for something bad you did.
Cartman: Atone?
Butters: Did you ever do anything really bad?
Cartman: Not really...
Cartman: [rubbing his chin thinking; next scene he's with Butters as Butters is writing down a long list of things Cartman is rambling off]
Cartman: Let's see... oh, and I broke Mr. Anderson's fence and I never told him about it.
Butters: Broke fence...
Butters: [writing]
Cartman: I took a crap in the principal's purse. Seven times. Then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza. I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics. Tried to have all of the Jews exterminated last Spring. Ahhh, oh, yeah - there's this one kid whose parents I had killed and made into chili which I then fed to the kid.
Butters: Boy, oh boy, Eric, you got a lot to atone for.

"South Park: Proper Condom Use (#5.7)" (2001)
[the boys erroneously think they need to wear condoms all the time in order not to get or spread diseases]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [removing a condom from its wrapper] Why, it's just a little donut!
[fumbles with it]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Oh, it's all gooey!
Eric Cartman: Just put it on, Butters!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: H-How come I gotta go first?
Eric Cartman: Butters, will you stop... filibustering!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Oh, a-all right, then.
[turns around, drops pants, and starts fumbling with the condom]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Aw, it's sticky.
Kyle Broflovski: [reading from the condom box] It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: I don't even understand how this thing...! Oh, wait, oh, I see.
[Cartman peaks]
Stan Marsh: Don't look at Butters' shlong, gaymo!
Eric Cartman: I wasn't looking at his shlong, I was seeing how to put the condom on!
Kyle Broflovski: [sarcastically] Sure!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: But it won't stay on. I-I need a rubber band or something.
Tweek: I-I've got rubber bands!
[hands them to Butters]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [fumbles with the rubber bands] Ow! Eh, ow! Okay, eh... ow! There! Okay, I think it's on!
Stan Marsh: How do you feel?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [pause] Pretty good!
Eric Cartman: Do you feel protected?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Yeah, I don't think nothing is getting to my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.
Stan Marsh: All right, here everybody, Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Hey, somebody's gotta help Timmy put his condom on.
Timmy: *Timmah*!

Butters: [talking on a walkie-talkie] Just walk away! You can put a stop to all this! Just walk away and we will spare your lives! Just walk away!

Butters: AIDs? Oh, geez, fellas, I don't wanna get the AIDs.

South Park: The Stick of Truth (2014) (VG)
Butters Stotch: This is where the magic happens.
[while walking in Cartman's mom's bedroom]
Butters Stotch: Last night week Cartman's mom was here with a few men having a whole lot of magic; she was doing hand magic, butt magic.

Al Gore: Let us fight to the death!
Butters Stotch: We're gonna send you straight to Heck!
Al Gore: Now let's see how you like sitting through a whole presentation on global warming!
[using a slide show to attack them in the fight]

"South Park: Imaginationland: Episode III (#11.12)" (2007)
[last lines]
Butters: Awww, shit!

[Butters has been told to imagine what is "most prominent" in his mind; he thinks of his father first]
Stephen Stotch: Butters? You are grounded, mister! You hear me?
[Butters' dad transforms into a hideous mutant]
Stephen Stotch: GROUNDED!
Butters: No, no no no, no no no!
[his father disappears]
Aslan: What are you doing? We need Santa!
Butters: I'm trying!
Wonder Woman: C'mon, kid, imagine Santa! Believe in Santa!
Zeus: You must believe in Santa!
Aslan: [screaming] BELIEVE IN SANTA! RIGHT NOW!

"South Park: Make Love, Not Warcraft (#10.8)" (2006)
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: I don't play world of warcraft...
Eric Cartman: Butters, you said that you're on your computer all the time.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Yeah, but I'm playing hello kitty island adventure!
Eric Cartman: Ugh... Butters, go buy world of warcraft, install it on your computer, and join the online sensation before we all murder you!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: O-oh... Al-alright then!

[a group of World of Warcraft characters are planning to defeat the griefer; Cartman the dwarf is marshaling his forces]
Cartman: All right, you guys, this is it! When the attack begins, all warriors click on Defensive Stance. Everyone else, wait for Craig to cast his Intellect Buff.
Token: [black human rogue] Okay.
Craig: [Gnome mage] Got it.
Cartman: The battle is sure to be long, so make sure you have all your special abilities macroed to your keyboards.
Jimmy Volmer: [Night Elf hunter with a beard] All right, Eric. You can c-c-count on us.
Timmy: [human priest] Tim-maahh!
Cartman: This shall be a day for all to remember! Let us bravely charge the fields of Azeroth! From with...
Butters: [arrives in the same dwarf form as Cartman's] Hey fellas!
[Cartman's dwarf looks over, surprised]
Butters: Boy, this is neato, huh?
Cartman: Butters? What the hell are you doing?
Butters: I got World of Warcraft, like you said.
Cartman: [angry] You can't be the dwarf character, Butters, I'm the dwarf.
Butters: Well, there's like only four races to choose from...
Cartman: [shouts] So pick another one! I'm the dwarf, you stupid asshole! Log out, create a new character, and log back in!
Butters: [walks off grumbling] I like Hello Kitty Island Adventure a lot more than this stuff.
Stan: [warrior] Come on, let's do this!
Clyde: [second Night Elf hunter] Yeah, my mom says I have to be in bed at 9:30.
Cartman: [turns around and leads] Then let's move out!
[the others charge after him]

"South Park: Freak Strike (#6.3)" (2002)
Stan: Hi Kenny.
Butters: I told you my name isn't Kenny. It's Butters.
Stan: Hi new Kenny.

Butters: Wait - Butters' chin? Well, that's me!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah!
Butters: I'm Butters!
Stan: We know, you're the one doing it, Butters, who'd you think we were talking about?
Butters: Well, hold on just a second, you guys...
Eric Cartman: Hey, I know how we get the balls on Butters' chin! Those Star Trek dorks down the street! They're always making crazy masks and special effects for their dumb movies.
Butters: Hang on now...
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah! I bet they can make a fake set of balls! Come on, Butters!
Butters: Wait - why does it have to be me?
Stan: It has to be you, Butters, think about it.
Eric Cartman: Yeah.
Butters: But, fellas, if I go on Maury Povich with my balls on my chin, my parents are gonna be really mad.
Kyle Broflovski: We'll just tell your parents we're going on a camping trip with my parents. They'll never know.
Butters: I'm sorry, but the answer is ut-ah. Ut-ah, ut-ah.
Stan: Kenny would have done it.
[after a few seconds of silence]
Butters: So? I told you guys before: I'm not Kenny!
Kyle Broflovski: We know, believe me, we know. We're reminded every day you're not Kenny, 'cause Kenny was cool.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, God, I wish Kenny was still alive. He'd put balls on his chin. He was such an awsome friend.
Kyle Broflovski: Well, come on, guys. If Butters won't even put balls on his chin for us, I guess we know where we stand.
Eric Cartman: Yeah.

"South Park: Christian Rock Hard (#7.9)" (2003)
Butters Stotch: [to an old lady buying their album] We're not really Christian. We're just pretending we are.
Cartman: [the old lady walks away] Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.

Token: [to Cartman] Good job, dickhead! We lost the entire audience!
Cartman: Ah, fuck you Token, you black asshole!
[Token kicks the crap out of Cartman and leaves him coughing on all fours]
Stan: Hmm, guess he got what he deserved.
Butters: [Standing around Cartman, then after a while he farts on Cartman and gives him the finger] Fuck you, Eric.

"South Park: Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy (#10.10)" (2006)
Eric Cartman: Hey man, I had to rat you out but I want you to know that I've got nothing against you. Cigarette?
Butters: Uhh... Sure.
Eric Cartman: You know you've gotta go with Christ, dude.
Butters: Well I do...
Eric Cartman: You could go one way, and wander around the halls without a pass, or you could see the light, man!

Butters: [in the boys' bathroom, singing] Hey there, Mr. Weiner, what do you know? Do you need to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so!

"South Park: Marjorine (#9.9)" (2005)
Ms. Garrison: [Butters is disguised as Marjorine, the new girl in school] Why don't you tell the children a little about yourself, Marjorine?
Butters: [as Marjorine] Well, I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancin', and ponies, a-a-and... getting my snootch pounded on Friday nights.
Clyde: Nice.
Ms. Garrison: Now Marjorine, that's not very lady-like. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snizz just like any woman but we keep it to ourselves.

Cartman: What if I were to tell you, that the girls have a device which allows them to see into the future.
Stan: [skeptical] What?
Butters: How do you know?
Kyle: The girls do not have a device that shows them the future, Cartman, that is retarded.
Clyde Donovan: You sir have mocked Cartman before yet you too sit here demanding answers? Now damn you let him speak!
Cartman: [shocked] Thank you, Clyde.

"South Park: Super Best Friends (#5.3)" (2001)
Steven: I can show you how to make your true self appear. Let me ask you all something: do you consider yourselves to be happy?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams.
Steven: [pause] Right. See, the reason that you are...
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sound of my own screams. Do you think I'm unhappy?

Blanetologist: Oh, I've got a trick for you to learn. I can show you how to make your true self appear. Let me ask you all something. Do you consider yourselves to happy?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams.
Blanetologist: [Long pause] Right. You see the reason that you're unha...
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [interrupting] And then I always get woken up to the sound of my own screams. Do you think I'm unhappy?

"South Park: The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs (#14.2)" (2010)
Stan: [reading "Catcher In The Rye"] Did you get to *any* dirty parts yet?
Kyle: [also reading "Catcher..."] No! It's still just some whiny, annoying teenager talking about how lame he is.
Stan: I don't get it, dude. What's so controversial about this? All he's done is said "shit" and "fuck" a few times.
Kyle: I know! I'm almost at the end and there's nothing.
Eric: [enters, slamming door] Mother fucker! The whole thing. I read the whole *fucking* thing! I kept thinking, alright, the cool, offensive stuff must be coming. And then after a hundred pages I was like, *alright*, I guess all the dirty stuff is at the end. And then I got to the last page! And I was all, what da fuck is this! I JUST READ A BOOK, FOR NOTHING!
Kyle: Why the hell was this book banned?
Eric: They fucking tricked us, that's what they did! Tricked us into reading a book by enticing us with promises of vulgarity.
Kenny: [enters, mumbles] Dude, what the fuck is this...
[rest is indecipherable]
Eric: We know! We we're just saying that.
Stan: Why would anyone think this book was obscene and dangerous?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [just finished reading "Catcher..."] Kill John Lennon. Kill John Lennon. *Kill* John Lennon!

Butters Stotch: Kim Kardashian is so sexy, her butt is like a big mountain of pudding.

"South Park: You Got F'd in the A (#8.4)" (2004)
Stan Marsh: Your mom said you're the best dancer in the county.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Did she also tell you my dancing got eight people killed?

Stan Marsh: Your mom says you were one of the best dancers in the country.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Did she also tell you my dancing got eight people killed?

"South Park: Sexual Healing (#14.1)" (2010)
Kenny McCormick: [Mufffled] Autoerotic asphyxiation? What's that?
Researcher: I don't want to go into too much detail, but you choke yourself with a belt around your neck while masturbating dressed up like Batman or something and you pass out from lack of air and apparently it makes your orgasms super awesome.
Kenny McCormick: [Muffled] Really?
Butters: Oh no. I don't wanna have to buy a Batman costume!

"South Park: Quest for Ratings (#8.11)" (2004)
Butters: About 30 minutes ago I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver, but it turned out to be a dead horse.

"South Park: Erection Day (#9.7)" (2005)
Jimmy Vulmer: Butters, do you know what you're supposed to do when your penis gets hard?
Butters Stotch: Well sure I do!
Jimmy Vulmer: Really?
Butters Stotch: Yes, sit down Jimmy. We should have a little talk. You see, Jimmy, when a man's penis becomes hard, the man puts it into a lady, into her vagina. Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside the lady's tunnel and after it's all done sneezing milk the penis stops being hard and the man loses interest in the lady.
Jimmy Vulmer: So when your penis becomes hard, you're supposed to put it in a ladies vagina and it stops being hard?
Butters Stotch: That's right, Jimmy.
Jimmy Vulmer: But where am I going to find a lady to stick my penis in? The talent show is this Friday!

"South Park: Lil' Crime Stoppers (#7.6)" (2003)
[last lines]
Butters: Fellas! Hey fellas! I got it! I got my semen sample!
Cartman: You did?
Butters: Yeah. I was up there poundin' my wiener for two days straight, and finally, I thought about Stan's mom's boobs, and this little tiny spooge of... this white stuff came out.
Kyle: That's great, Butters, but we're not playing Detective anymore. We're playing Laundromat owners.
Cartman: Would you like those pants cleaned for four ninety five?

"South Park: Cartman Sucks (#11.2)" (2007)
Butters: All right. All right that does it! I am sick and tired of everyone telling me I'm confused! I wasn't confused until other people started telling me I was! You know what I think? I think maybe you are the ones who are confused!
Bradley: Yeah.
Butters: I'm not gonna be confused any more just because you say I should be! My name is Butters, I'm eight years old, I'm blood type O, and I'm bicurious! And even that's okay! Because if I'm bicurious, and I'm somehow made from God, then I think your God must be a little bicurious himself!
Bradley: I think. I think I'd like to come down now.

"South Park: Fun with Veal (#6.4)" (2002)
Kyle Broflovski: [after seeing hippies outside the window protesting for the boys] Dude, those gaywads are on our side?
Butters: Oooh, they're all dirty!
Eric Cartman: What did I tell you, Stan! We saved some baby cows from being eaten and now we're no good dirty goddam hippies!

"South Park: Go God Go (#10.12)" (2006)
[the kids in class, including a new girl, see Ms. Garrison arriving, not too happy to teach them evolution]
Ms. Garrison: All right, kids, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
Butters: Oh boy!
Ms. Garrison: Now I, for one, think evolution is a bunch of *bullcrap*! But I've been told I have to teach it to you anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this...
[she goes up to a large poster of evolution and begins pointing things out with her pointer]
Ms. Garrison: In the beginning, we were all fish. Okay? Swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So Retard Fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its...
[she waves her left hand limply]
Ms. Garrison: ...mutant fish hands... and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something and made this.
[she points to a prehistoric mammal rodent]
Ms. Garrison: Retard frog-sqirrel, and then *that* had a retard baby which was a... monkey-fish-frog... And then this monkey-fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey, and that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey... and that made you!
[she faces the class, with the new girl among them looking around]
Ms. Garrison: So there you go! You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations!
Cartman: [impatient for a Nintendo Wii, hops out of his chair and leaves the room, shouting] Haahhh! I can't take it anymore! Haaaaah!
Ms. Garrison: [thinking Cartman understands evolution] Yeah? You see? I *knew* that would happen.

"South Park: Raisins (#7.14)" (2003)
Goth Kid: I guess you can join up with us if you want.
Goth Kid 2: Yeah. We're gonna go to the graveyard and write poems about death and how pointless life is.
Butters: Uh, uhm no thanks. I love life.
Stan: Huh? But you just got dumped.
Butters: Well yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid.
Goth Kid 2: Yeah.
Stan: No. No, Butters, that doesn't sound stupid at all.
Butters: Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.

"South Park: The Ring (#13.1)" (2009)
Butters: A ring that says you'd be together but not have sex. Isn't that called a wedding ring?

"South Park: Imaginationland: Episode II (#11.11)" (2007)
Butters: I'm supposed to be in school, but instead I've got Snarf and Popeye and Luke Skywalker pissed off at me.

"South Park: It Hits the Fan (#5.1)" (2001)
Eric Cartman: I don't get it.
Stan Marsh: Me neither.
Ms. Choksondik: The adjective form is now also acceptable. For example,
[writes on the board]
Ms. Choksondik: "The weather outside is shitty". However, the literal adjective is not appropriate. For example,
[writes on board]
Ms. Choksondik: "My bad diarrhea made the inside of the toilet all shitty and I had to clean it with a rag which then also became shitty". That's right out
[crosses out the sentence]
Timmy: Shhhhhhit,
Ms. Choksondik: Very good, Timmy.
Butters: Ms. Choksondik, can we say on the expletive, like "Oh shit!" or "Shit on a shingle"?
Ms. Choksondik: Yes, that's now fine.
Eric Cartman: Wow! This is gonna be great! A whole new word!
Kyle: [angrily] It's not new! I'm gonna look "shit" up in the encyclopedia and prove it.
Eric Cartman: Don't my Kyle everyone, he's just got a little sand in his vagina.
Kyle: [bangs on desk] THERE'S NO SAND IN MY VAGINA!
Ms. Choksondik: Boys, watch your language! Shit!

"South Park: The Tooth Fairy's Tats 2000 (#4.1)" (2000)
Cartman: [as the Tooth Fairy] Do not open your eyes until morning. Or else I will kick you in the nuts!
Butters: Yes, ma'am!

"South Park: Asspen (#6.2)" (2002)
Butters Stotch: You're not really going to go down that K-13 run, are you Stan?
Stan Marsh: Dude, I have to.
Kyle Broflovski: Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you. Screw him, dude.
Stan Marsh: Dude, he's got Heather!
Kyle Broflovski: ...you don't even know Heather!
Stan Marsh: I know, I know, I... look, I can't explain it, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die... I mean, how bad can the K-13 be?
Trucker: [Entering] Da K-13? You don't wanna go down dat run. Dat run's gotta a history. 35 people have died going down it. Some say you can still see their ghosts up der. It was on dat very ski run that a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once de burial grounds to a tribe of vampire Wachitaw Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes. Yah... a lot of history on dat ski run.
Stan Marsh: ...thank you.
Trucker: Yah.

"South Park: Margaritaville (#13.3)" (2009)
Newsreader: An economic crisis has hit South Park and the nation like never before. Another South Park bank has closed down, leaving thousands of people in debt.
Mr Garrison: It's just crazy, you know? Everyone's affected by it. It's like all the money just vanished.
Stephen Stotch: It's really terrifying. We-we've got no money to pay our mortgage now. We could very easily lose our house!
Butters: Hi grandma!
Redneck #1: First the money started going, and now everyone's getting laid off work! They took our jobs!
Redneck #2: They took our jobs!
Redneck #3: D' took'r jeeeeerbs!
Redneck #4: Took'r durbs!
Redneck #5: Took'r dur'b!
Newsreader: Just how far will the economy fail? We asked economic reporter, Dan Banks, for his assessment.
[Dan pulls out a gun and shoots himself, followed by a loud thump as he falls]
Newsreader: [pause] We'll have the rest of Dan's interview tonight at ten.

"South Park: Smug Alert! (#10.2)" (2006)
Stan: You know Cartman you may be stoked now, but I bet you're gonna find that without Kyle around to rip on your life is empty and hollow.
Eric Cartman: Whatever, dude! I don't need Kyle to rip on. I've got Butters!
[walking out]
Eric Cartman: Come on, Butters, you stupid Jew!
Butters: Yeah! I'm a dumb Jew!

"South Park: Eek, a Penis! (#12.5)" (2008)
Butters: That might be the teacher's penis.
Mr. Stotch: How do you know what your teacher's penis looks like?

"South Park: Imaginationland (#11.10)" (2007)
Butters: Are you going to rape us?
Mayor of Imaginationland: No.

"South Park: Tsst (#10.7)" (2006)
[Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters are playing Monopoly at Stan's place when Cartman comes in]
Eric Cartman: [gloomy] Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news.
Eric Cartman: I ran away from home.
[the boys just keep on playing like nothing happened]
Eric Cartman: Yeah, my Mom just doesn't care for me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough living on my own. But I'll get by, somehow.
Stan Marsh: [without looking up from the Monopoly board] You can't stay here.
Eric Cartman: [angrily] Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep, I'm out on the streets!
Kyle Broflovski: [also not looking up] You're not staying at my house either.
Eric Cartman: All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore.
Eric Cartman: [angrily] Well, what do you guys expect me to do? Stay at Kenny's house? His family is totally poor, I'm not staying with poor people!
Eric Cartman: All right, I'll stay with Kenny, let's go, man.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled and not looking up either] Fuck you.
Eric Cartman: Ha! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down, you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the streets somewhere, in the cold, probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys will be sorry when I turn up dead!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [moves his pawn] Whoopee! J & R Railroad!

"South Park: City Sushi (#15.6)" (2011)
[first lines]
Butters: Hello, sir. Postman Butters with a special delivery for you.

"South Park: Ginger Kids (#9.11)" (2005)
Ms. Garrison: Okay kids, looks like we only have time for one more speech today, so let's have, uh, Eric.
Cartman: Thank you, Ms. Garrison. My speech is entitled "Ginger Kids". Children with red hair, light skin, and freckles. We've all seen them. On the playground, at the store, walking on the streets. They creep us out, and make us sick to our stomachs. I'm talking, of course, about Ginger kids.
[slide projector clicks]
Cartman: Aw, sick! Gross! Ginger kids are born with a disease, which causes very light skin, red hair and freckles.
[projector clicks]
Cartman: Aw, nasty, yuck!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: This disease is called "Gingervitis". Kids who have Gingervitis cannot be cured.
[projector clicks]
Cartman: Aw sick!
Cartman: Gross!
Cartman: Yuck! Because their skin is so light, Ginger kids must avoid the sun.
[class ooooohs]
Kyle: That's not true, fat ass! I have red hair, and I don't have to avoid the sun.
Cartman: I was getting to that if you'll let me. Some people have red hair, but not light skin and freckles. These people are called daywalkers.
Butters: Ooooooh, Daywalkers!
Kyle: This is all a bunch of crap!
Cartman: Ms. Garrison, I'm really having a difficult time with all these interruptions.
Kyle: People aren't creeped out by gingers!
Butters: I am.
Ms. Garrison: Kyle, if you want to debate Eric, you can do so with your paper tomorrow.
Kyle: Fine, I will!
Cartman: Fine, in the meantime, shut your goddamn Daywalker mouth!
Kyle: Grrrrrrrr!
Cartman: In conclusion, I wil leave you with this. If you think that the ginger problem is not a serious one...
Cartman: think again!

"South Park: Go God Go XII (#10.13)" (2006)
[Cartman tries calling Butters to stop his past self from freezing again, when his past self appears again]
Past Cartman: Butters? Come on, we gotta go!
Cartman: [hearing his past self] No! Don't listen to me! Tell me to go screw myself!
Butters: [confused] Huh?
Past Cartman: Come on, Butters, it's gonna get dark!
Butters: But you're telling me not to go with you.
Past Cartman: [surprised] *What?*
[enters the kitchen to talk to his future self]
Past Cartman: [shouts] Who the fuck is this?
Cartman: [shouts] Aw, dammit, just listen to me! If you freeze yourself, you're going to die!
Past Cartman: Suck my balls!
Cartman: No, *you* suck my balls! Just listen to me for one minute!
Past Cartman: [pause] Okay, you have one minute.
Cartman: Right before you left for Butters' house, you drank a bunch of Ovaltine and put Clyde Frog so nothing would happen to him, right?
Past Cartman: [shocked] Are you spying on me?
Cartman: [shouts] No, I *am* you, you stupid asshole!
Past Cartman: [shouts] Fuck you, asshole! You can go fuck yourself!
[hangs up the phone and puts his hood back on]
Past Cartman: Come on, Butters, we're going!
Butters: Oh, all right then.
Cartman: [in the future, frustrated] God, I hate that guy!