Stan Marsh
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Quotes for
Stan Marsh (Character)
from "South Park" (1997)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)
Brian Dennehy: Did someone say my name?
Stan: Who are you?
Brian Dennehy: I'm Brian Dennehy.
Kyle: What? No, not fuckin' Brian Dennehy!
Stan: Get the fuck out of here!
Brian Dennehy: Oh. Bye.

[person speaking German on "cliteris" website]
Kyle: Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!
Stan: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?
Cartman: Oh, very funny!
Kyle: Hey! It IS Cartman's mom!
Mrs. Cartman: [man speaking German on computer] All righty then!
Cartman: SON OF A BI...
[shocks]
Cartman: AHHH!
Ike: [bounces in] Ba ba ba ba.
Kyle: Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff!
Ike: Bullshit.
Stan: What's she doing now?
German: Essen meine scheisse.
Mrs. Cartman: Okey-dokey!
Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [they see something gross] AWWWWWW!
Stan: [pukes] Click it off, dude, click it off!
[Kyle clicks it off]
Stan: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?

Cartman: [to Kyle] Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Cartman: Jew?
Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: Fuck!
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison: [angrily] How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
[the whole class gasps]
Mr. Garrison: [furiously] What did you say?
Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...
[Cartman picks up a megaphone]
Cartman: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?
[Mr. Garrison is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth]
Stan: Holy shit, dude.

[the boys have just watched an edited version of "Asses of Fire" and are leaving the theater with the other kids, past the ticket booth again]
Kyle: Man, this movie gets better every time I see it!
Ticket Taker: Hey!
Cartman: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yeah, you can!
Cartman: [stops and turns] No way.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. You can *too* light a fart on fire.
Cartman: Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a fart on fire.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. Check it out.
[he lights his fart on fire and laughs; his parka suddenly erupts in flames and he screams in horror; the boys are shocked]
Stan: Holy shit, dude!
Cartman: Ah! Oh my God! Hey!
[begins beating Kenny with a stick]
Cartman: Aw, shit! Aw, shit!
Stan: [steps forward and yells] Help! Somebody do something!
[he steps back and the stick lights up]
Cartman: Aahh! This stick is on fire!
[an ambulance rushes up and stops, but a Russell's Salt truck rushes up and bumps it away; the truck bed lifts up at the front end and dumps the salt on Kenny; if the fire was injury, this is insult]
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Ooowww!
[the ambulance siren dies and the salt doesn't move; the boys stare at the truck]
Stan: Oh my God, you killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Cartman: Wow, I guess you *can* light a fart on fire, huh?

Stan: [singing] The sun is shining and the grass is green. / Under the three feet of snow, I mean.

Stan: But this is going to be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada.

Stan: Wait, before we put a message out, do a search on the word clitoris.
Kyle: Hmm OK Found: 8,000,000 pages found with the word clitoris.

Chef: [singing] Everything worked out what a happy end. Americans and Canadians are friends again. So let's all join hands and knock oppression down.
Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Don't you know our little lives are now complete?
Mrs. Cartman, Sheila Broflovski: 'Cause Terrance and phillip are sweet.
Sheila Broflovski: Super sweet.
everyone: Thank God we live in this quiet, little pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash...
Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Kick-ass!
everyone: Mountain... town!

[singing]
Stan: What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? / He'd make a plan and follow through, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Kyle: When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the Gold, / he did two salchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold!
Cartman: When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears / he used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair!
Stan, Kyle: So what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? / I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Cartman: I want this V-chip out of me. / It has stunted my vocabulary.
Kyle: And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone.
Stan: For Wendy I'll be an activist too, / 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: And what would Brian Boitano do? He'd call all the kids in town / and tell them to unite for truth, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
[intermission]
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010, / he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again!
Cartman: And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids he beat up Kublai Khan!
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: 'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody! / So let's call all the kids together / and unite to stop our moms. / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Stan: Thank you Clitoris!

Kyle: Hey, Mole, be careful.
The Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?
Stan: Man, that kid is fucked up!

[Just finished watching Terrence and Phillip's motion picture]
Kyle: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
Cartman: You bet your fuckin' ass it was!
Stan: Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrence and Phillip!

Stan: Listen Mr. homeless man, if you don't wanna buy us the tickets and not get your ten bucks and not buy yourself a bottle of vodka, then be my guest.
Homeless man: Six tickets please!

The Mole: Now, did you bring the mirror?
Stan: Check!
The Mole: Did you bring the rope?
Stan: Check!
The Mole: Did you bring the buttfor?
Stan: What's a buttfor?
The Mole: For pooping, silly.

Saddam Hussein: Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.
Cartman: Hey, don't call me fat buttfucker!
[rays shoot from malfunctioning V-chip and kill a demon from hell]
Stan: Do it Cartman! Do it!
Cartman: Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin' authoritayyy!
[shocks Saddam]
Saddam Hussein: You need to watch your mouth, brat.
Cartman: Dog-shit taco!
Saddam Hussein: Quick Satan! Do something!
Cartman: Try this on for size... Blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle!
Saddam Hussein: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don't worry - I can change!
Cartman: OK... not! Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cunt, butthole, Barbra Streisand!

Mr. Mackey: I want to know where you heard all this horrific obscenities, m'kay?
Kyle: Nowhere.
Stan: We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.
Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr Garrison ever said: "Eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker".

[all hyped and ready after singing a song]
Stan: Can I have FIVE tickets to Terence Phillip: Asses on Fire, please?
[pause]
Ticket Taker: No!
Stan: What do you mean no?
Ticket Taker: Terrance and Philip: Asses of Fire has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America, you have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.
Stan: But why?
Ticket Taker: Because this movie has naughty language! Next please.

Stan: Hey, guys. Do you know where I can find the clitoris?
Kyle: The what?
Cartman: What, is that like finding Jesus or something?

Stan: Hey, Mole. You know where the "clitoris" is?
The Mole: Ze what?
Stan: The "clitoris." I have to have to find the clitoris so I can get this Wendy girl to like me again.
[the Mole grasps Stan]
The Mole: Hey, you have to stop thinking with your dick! You have to be on your toes, because I am not going be grounded again. Not for you, not for anybody!

The Mole: If anything goes wrong, make a sound like a dying giraffe.
Stan: What's a dying giraffe sound like?
The Mole: WUUUUUaahhh! WUUUaaaaaaahhhhh!

Stan: We're "La Resistance," we want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.
The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded in my room for the next three days.
Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.
Stan: Why are you grounded?
The Mole: Why? Because God hates me, that's why. He has made my life miserable. So I call him a cock-sucking asshole, and I get grounded.

Stan: Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?
Chef: Oh, that's easy. You just gotta find the clitoris.
Stan: Huh?
Chef: Whoops.

Stan: [singing] You see homeless people but you just don't care!

Cartman: Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?
Mr. Mackey: What?
Cartman: What's the big fucking deal, bitch?
Stan: Yeah!

[first lines]
Stan: [singing] There's a bunch of birds in the sky. And some deers just went running by.

everyone: [singing] Thank God we live in this quiet, little, pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayeseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash, kick-ass! Mountain town!
Stan: [pointing at Kenny in the sky] Look.

Stan: Hey you guys I found the clitoris. I think I can get Wendy to like me again.
Cartman: Yeah I guess all's well that end's well. We can go home now. You dipshit!

Sharon Marsh: Well good morning, Stan.
Stan Marsh: Hi mom, can I have eight dollars to see a movie?
Sharon Marsh: A movie? But I thought you were going ice-skating.
Stan Marsh: But this is gonna be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada!
Sharon Marsh: Oh alright, then. But be back for supper!
Stan Marsh: Thanks, mom!

Stan Marsh: Dude, dude, wake up!
[Kenny does so and gets dressed]
Stan Marsh: Kenny, come on!
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Coming!
Stan Marsh: Kenny! The new Terrance and Phillip movie is out! You wanna come with me?
Kenny McCormick: Yeah, dude! Come on, let's go, quick...
[They walk away... ]
Kenny's Mom: [appears at the door] Where'd you think YOU'RE going?
Kenny McCormick: We're going to the Terrance and Phillip movie.
Kenny's Mom: You can't, you gotta go to church.
Kenny McCormick: But mom, I really wanna see this movie!
Kenny's Mom: Fine. You go ahead and miss church. And then, when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!
Kenny McCormick: ...Okay!

Kyle: Ok. Let's try this one more time. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike Broflovski: Don't kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Kicks Ike through a window, causing it to shatter]
Sheila Broflovski: Ike! You broke ANOTHER window! That's a bad baby! Baaaaaad baby!
Stan Marsh: Kyle, we're going to see the Terrance and Phillip movie!
Kyle: Oh my god, dude!
Sheila Broflovski: Kyle! Where are you going?
Kyle: Uuh, we're going ice-skating.
Sheila Broflovski: Well take your little brother with you.
[Ike bounces up to Kyle]
Kyle: Aww, come on, ma! He's not even my real brother. He's adopted!
Sheila Broflovski: DO AS I SAY, KYLE!
Kyle: Ok, ok, I'm sorry!

Cartman, Kyle, Stan: [singing] Why did our mothers start this war? What the fuck are they fighting for? When did this song become a marathon?

Cartman: You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman.
Cartman: Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club and all because she's a big fat stupid bit...
Kyle: Don't say it, Cartman.
Cartman: Well...
Kyle: Don't do it, Cartman.
Cartman: Well...
Kyle: I'm warning you!
Cartman: Okay, okay.
Kyle: I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a...
[gasps]
Cartman: Well... Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, she a bitch to all the boys and girls.
Kyle: Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!
Cartman: On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch, then on Sunday just to be different she's a super king kamehameha bee-otch! Come on, you all know the words. Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this.
[sings the song in four different languages]
Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!
[Mrs. Broflovski turns up, the children gasp and Cartman doesn't notice]
Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch!
Stan: Uh, Cartman?
Cartman: Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. I really mean it, Kyle's mom... She's a big fat fucking biiitch! Big old fat fucking bitch, that mom... Yeah! Chaa!
[the children stare at Cartman]
Cartman: What?
[Cartman turns around seeing Mrs. Broflovski]
Cartman: Oh... Fuck!


"South Park: Make Love, Not Warcraft (#10.8)" (2006)
Eric Cartman: [shouting at Stan, Kyle, and Kenny playing basketball] What the hell are you guys doing? Don't tell me you all quit playing World of Warcraft, too?
Stan Marsh: Dude, we're done! We're sick of getting killed all the time!
Eric Cartman: Guys! When things look bad you can't just give up on the World... of Warcraft...
Kyle: We don't have a choice, dude. That guy killed our characters 14 times.
Eric Cartman: I have a solution, you guys. That guy can kill us so easily because he's a super-highlevel, right? But if we were super-highlevel, too...?
Stan Marsh: We can't get to a higher level because that dude doesn't let us finish quests!
Eric Cartman: That's why we need to just log in and stay in the forest, killing boars...
Kyle: [looking at Cartman in disbelief] Boars...?
Eric Cartman: There's lots of computer-generated boars in Warcraft that die with just one blow...
Kyle: [trying to convice Cartman to give it up] Dude! Boars are only worth two experience points a piece. Do you know how many we would have to kill to get up 30 levels?
Eric Cartman: [pulls out a piece of paper] Yes. 65,340,285, which should take us 7 weeks, 5 days, 13 hours and 20 minutes, giving ourselves 3 hours a night to sleep. What do you say, guys? You can jus... you can just hang outside in the sun all day tossing a ball around. Or you can sit at your computer and do something that matters...

[the four World of Warcraft characters walk through the land of Azeroth]
Cartman: I am the mightiest dwarf in all of Azeroth!
Kyle: [female mage] Wow, look at all these people playing right now.
Cartman: Yeah, it's bullcrap. I'll bet half of these people are Koreans.
Stan: [stops and motions] Oh crap! It's *that* guy again!
[a rogue griefer approaches them and begins to dance, wearing a helmet, boots, elbow-length gloves and tight shorts]
Kyle: Who is this?
Stan: This is the guy that kept killing us after you went to bed!
Cartman: [angry at the griefer] Get out of here, asshole!
Stan: He's a way higher level than us. It isn't fair.
Kyle: It's all right. He can't kill us unless we agree to duel.
[the griefer's character stabs Kenny the hunter, killing him instantly]
Stan: [shocked] Oh my God, he killed Kenny!
Kyle: [in a soft feminine voice, making a fist and holding it up for emphasis] You bastard!
[the griefer kills both Kyle the mage and Stan the warrior]
Cartman: [furious at the griefer] Don't you have better things to do than going online killing people?
[the griefer begins generating mana power]
Cartman: [running off] No! I don't want to start over at the graveyard!
[the griefer shoots a fireball at Cartman the dwarf]
Cartman: No!
[the fireball hits Cartman, killing him instantly; at his room, Cartman looks stunned and throws down his headset]
Cartman: That son of a bitch!
Kyle: [scene shifts to Gerald's den] Who is that guy?
[scene shifts to Randy's den]
Stan: [head resting on left hand] Whoever he is, he is one tough badass.

[scenes from World of Warcraft are shown; various beings mill around, then the camera pans down and a red-bearded dwarf with a mallet walks into view]
Cartman: [the dwarf] Oh, dude! I just took the biggest crap. Hey, where are you guys?
Kyle: [voice only] We're over here, by the cart.
[POV switches to other characters; a blue warrior, a female green mage and an orange hunter stand around waiting for the dwarf, who walks into the group]
Cartman: Okay, I'm back.
Stan: [the blue warrior with a sword and shield] Dude! We've been waiting forever!
Cartman: Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a dump!
Kyle: [the female green mage] If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!
Cartman: Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a frickin' girl!
Kenny: [the orange hunter, muffled] I think Kyle has fake titties, ha ha!
Cartman: [laughing] Totally, heheh.
Kyle: Come on, we have to finish the quest in Stonehaven.
[his character walks off, and the others follow her]
Randy Marsh: [voice only] Stan?
[Stan stops]
Randy Marsh: Staaan?
Stan: Hang on, guys, my dad wants something.
[Stan's character waits for his father Randy to show up]

[a group of World of Warcraft characters are planning to defeat the griefer; Cartman the dwarf is marshaling his forces]
Cartman: All right, you guys, this is it! When the attack begins, all warriors click on Defensive Stance. Everyone else, wait for Craig to cast his Intellect Buff.
Token: [black human rogue] Okay.
Craig: [Gnome mage] Got it.
Cartman: The battle is sure to be long, so make sure you have all your special abilities macroed to your keyboards.
Jimmy Volmer: [Night Elf hunter with a beard] All right, Eric. You can c-c-count on us.
Timmy: [human priest] Tim-maahh!
Cartman: This shall be a day for all to remember! Let us bravely charge the fields of Azeroth! From with...
Butters: [arrives in the same dwarf form as Cartman's] Hey fellas!
[Cartman's dwarf looks over, surprised]
Butters: Boy, this is neato, huh?
Cartman: Butters? What the hell are you doing?
Butters: I got World of Warcraft, like you said.
Cartman: [angry] You can't be the dwarf character, Butters, I'm the dwarf.
Butters: Well, there's like only four races to choose from...
Cartman: [shouts] So pick another one! I'm the dwarf, you stupid asshole! Log out, create a new character, and log back in!
Butters: [walks off grumbling] I like Hello Kitty Island Adventure a lot more than this stuff.
Stan: [warrior] Come on, let's do this!
Clyde: [second Night Elf hunter] Yeah, my mom says I have to be in bed at 9:30.
Cartman: [turns around and leads] Then let's move out!
[the others charge after him]

[the team of World of Warcraft characters face off against the rogue griefer, who starts killing them off with his summoned scorpions]
Randy Marsh: [Valkorn the blond warrior, arriving] Hey, Stan, can I play with you guys?
[Stan's character turns around]
Stan: [surprised] Dad?
Randy Marsh: Yeah, I'm playing from the office.
Stan: [angry] Dad, get off our teamspeak line!
[Valkorn walks off, and the griefer kills Token the black rogue]
Token: [angry] That's it, I'm dead!
[the griefer kills Stan the warrior]
Stan: [throws off his headset] That's it, screw this game!
Cartman: [backing away] Now, leave me alone, don't do that...
[the griefer electrocutes Cartman the dwarf with his dagger through the mallet, killing him and skipping away]
Cartman: [furiously throws off his headset] God-fucking-dammit!
[meanwhile in the apartment, the griefer just keeps plugging along]

[the World of Warcraft characters have just defeated the griefer; Stan the warrior throws away the Sword of a Thousand Truths and walks up to his father's dying character]
Stan: [shaking Randy] Dad? Dad?
Randy Marsh: [Valkorn the warrior, answering] Staaan.
[falters a bit, but Stan holds him up]
Randy Marsh: I've never been able to say this before, but... I love you, son.
Stan: I know you do, Dad.
[Valkorn swats Stan's hand away, then moans a bit and dies]

[the World of Warcraft characters are fighting the griefer without stop]
Cartman: [dwarf] Kyle! Fire spell!
Kyle: [female mage, about to cast a spell] Aaaa...
[starts generating the spell, but it abruptly goes out]
Kyle: Ah! Huh?
[she grabs her right wrist with her left hand]
Stan: [warrior, shocked] Kyle!
[back at Cartman's basement, Kyle leaves his desk and grabs his right hand, flexing his right wrist around; Stan leaves his desk and approaches]
Stan: Kyle! Dude, what's wrong?
Kyle: Carpal tunnel! Carpal tunnel! It's... uuugh!
[pain shoots through his wrist as he continues flexing it and stretching his fingers]
Stan: Oh, Jesus, he got it bad!
Cartman: [walks over] Wait, we need Ben-Gay.
[waddles over to Kenny's desk and pulls out a tube of the stuff, then walks back, squirts some of it onto Kyle's wrist, and rubs it in]
Stan: Hurry, dude!
Cartman: I'm going as fast as I can!
Stan: Kyle, you have to keep playing.
Kyle: I can't. Just leave me behind.
Stan: We can't do this without you now! Come on!
[he and Cartman help Kyle back into his computer]

[the boys are still playing in Cartman's basement]
Stan: Dude, I'm almost dead.
Cartman: Kyle, cast Arcane Missle.
Kyle: I'm out of Mana, I told you.
[back at the game, Stan the warrior pulls further away from the battle with the griefer]
Stan: I've gotta heal.
[he turns around to see the battle]
Randy Marsh: [voice only] Stan!
[Stan the warrior looks around trying to determine where the voice is coming from, then turns around to see Randy's character Valkorn running toward him]
Stan: Dad? Not now!
Randy Marsh: [Valkorn the warrior] Stan! I've been sent here... to bring you this.
[he holds the Sword of a Thousand Truths aloft]
Randy Marsh: This sword can completely drain his Mana.
Stan: Dad, how did you get that?
Randy Marsh: No time! Just take it! Here!
[he finds that the sword stays fixed to his left hand]
Randy Marsh: ...How... how do you hand something from one player to another?
Stan: Bring up your inventory screen: Control-I...
Randy Marsh: Okay.
[Stan throws away his old sword to get the new one]

[back in battle, the griefer sees Stan the warrior about to get the Sword of a Thousand Truths from Valkorn]
Cartman: [the dwarf, alarmed and turning to Stan] Stan, what the hell are you doing?
[the griefer runs to Stan and Valkorn, about to strike them]
Stan: [clutching the new sword] I got it!
[the griefer stabs Valkorn, who screams in pain]
Stan: [shocked] Dad!
Randy Marsh: [Valkorn the warrior, moaning] Stan...
[he falls down face first]
Stan: Dad, no!
[he turns around to face the griefer]
Stan: You killed my father!
[he walks up to the griefer and strikes him with one blow of the sword; the griefer's defenses start to crack]
Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down!
Kyle: [female mage] Attack!
[Kenny the hunter shoots an arrow into the griefer's chest; the griefer picks up Stan's old sword and Kyle fires an energy ball at the griefer, disabling him and having him fall to the ground on all fours]
Cartman: [approaching the griefer's character] Looks like you're about to get powned.
[he swings back and pulls the mallet forward]
Cartman: Heeyahh!
[the mallet smashes the head of the griefer's character into bits, while the griefer, in his apartment, is shocked that he is out of the game for good]

Nelson: Randy, you working on that sediment analysis?
Randy Marsh: Now now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of Night Elves and we're going to go and explore the Tower of Azora together.
Nelson: Is that a computer game?
Randy Marsh: No, r-tard, it's an MMORPG. These are real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level 2. I can chat with all these other people. I can even wave to this guy, see?
[waves]
Randy Marsh: Hello! In the outside world, I am a simple geologist... but in here, I am Valkorn, Defender of the Alliance. I have braved the Fargo Deep Mine, and defeated the Blood Fish at Jarod's Landing.
[griefer appears and kills Randy's character]
Nelson: Hmm. Looks like that guy just killed you.
Randy Marsh: What? Why? WHY?

Randy Marsh: Stan! Stan!
Stan Marsh: Hang on guys, my dad wants something.
Randy Marsh: Stan!
Stan Marsh: What?
Stan Marsh: You've been on your computer all weekend. Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?
Stan Marsh: I am socializing r-tard! I'm logged on to an MMORPG, with people from all over the world and getting XP with my party using teamspeak.
[pause]
Randy Marsh: [hurt] I'm not an r-tard.

Eric Cartman: We've learned the the four of us can't fight him alone, but if we all log in together, we might have a chance.
Token: Hey yeah!
Jimmy Volmer: We can really stick to that ass... munch.
Clyde: Are you guys dumb? We can't beat him. Not even with all of us, it's a waste of time.
Stan Marsh: Dude, we have to try.
Clyde: I've got better things to do.
Eric Cartman: Clyde, Clyde, if you had the chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, wouldn't you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't; however, because I think it was awesome, but you would, right?
Clyde: I'm just gonna stop playing.
Eric Cartman: When Hitler rose to power, a lot of people just stopped playing. And you know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?
Clyde: No.
Eric Cartman: Voulez-vous cous chez avec-moi, Clyde?
Clyde: Alright, alright, I'll do it.
Jimmy Volmer: So what's the plan?
Eric Cartman: Alright, log in tonight on your computers at precisely 7:30. We will meet here, near the planes of the Elwin Forest near West Fall. My friends, to victory!


"South Park: Pinkeye (#1.7)" (1997)
Stan Marsh: [dressed as Raggedy Andy for Halloween night] I bet I get more candy than you, dude!
Cartman: Are you crazy? I'm the candy master!
Stan Marsh: No no, you're the ass master. There's a difference.
Cartman: Hey! I'm not the one who walks around all day looking like Pippy Longstocking!
Stan Marsh: Oh yeah? Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Crackwhore Magazine!
Cartman: God dammit! My mom's not on the cover of Crackwhore Magazine!

Cartman: Damnit! We'll never get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!
Stan Marsh: Yeah! That's it, Kenny, you can't trick-or-treat with us anymore!

Cartman: Well, let's get home, start eating that candy.
Kyle Broflovski: We can eat it at Cartman's house, and see more naughty pictures of his mom!
Stan Marsh: Yeah!
Cartman: Knock it off, you guys! She said she was young, and needed the money!
Stan Marsh: Cartman, those pictures were taken, like, last month!
Cartman: [Incomprehensible grumble] ... screw you guys!

Eric Cartman: What are you supposed to be, Stan, Howdy Doody?
Stan Marsh: No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fatass!
Eric Cartman: Oh, heh, wow, you you look pretty cool.
[laughs]
Kyle Broflovski: Sissy!
[laughs]
Stan Marsh: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
Eric Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbie's all pissed off!

Stan Marsh: [fighting off a zombie] Okay, Chef, dial the hotline number!... Chef?
[Chef has become a zombie]
Kyle Broflovski: CHEF!
Chef: [singing] I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead / My body might be cold, but it's always hot in my bed / Make love, don't be afraid / Just because my heart ain't beating, don't mean you won't get LAID!
[lets out a whoop]
Stan Marsh: Let's get outta here!

Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh: [at Chef's house] Trick or...
[Chef appears brandishing chainsaws, scaring the crap out of them]
Chef: Get off my property, you brain-eating zombie bastards!
Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh: CHEF! IT'S US!
Chef: Oh! Sorry, children, I thought you were one of them!

[Zombie Kenny bites an old lady]
Eric Cartman: Nice going, Kenny! She was about to give us candy!
Stan Marsh: Yeah, she had sweetie pops.
Eric Cartman: You owe me a sweetie pop, asshole!

Kyle Broflovski: Hey, dudes.
Stan Marsh: Oh good, you're here. Now, let's make sure that we got everything. Flashlight?
Eric Cartman: Check!
Stan Marsh: Plastic pumpkin pails?
Kyle Broflovski: Check!
Stan Marsh: Taser?
Kyle Broflovski: What's that?
Stan Marsh: For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, granola pisses me off.

[at Kenny's grave]
Kyle Broflovski: He was too young to be taken away from us...
Stan Marsh: Dude, you're the one who cut him in half with a chainsaw!

Mrs. Crabtree: Let's go! We're running late!
Stan Marsh: Oh, we're always running late you ugly skank!
Mrs. Crabtree: [shouting] What did you say?
Stan Marsh: Uh... I said I can't wait to own a new fish tank.
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh... well neither can I.


"South Park: The Jeffersons (#8.6)" (2004)
Kenny: [after Kyle, Stan and Blanket come running into the room] You guys. What the hell is going on out there?
Mr Jefferson: Blanket come and play with me.
Kenny: Oh wait. I'm not blanket. Stop! Stop!
[Mr Jefferson throws Kenny so high that his head gets lodged in the ceiling and he bleeds to death]
Stan: Oh my god! He killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!

Stan: Hey, thanks for doing this for us, Kenny.
Kenny: Yeah. sure, whatever.
Stan: We've got to rescue Blanket from Mr. Jefferson.
Kenny: Aren't am I too big to be Blanket?
Kyle: I don't think Mr. Jefferson pays enough attention his son to notice.
Kenny: All right, but you guys owe me big time.
Stan: Sure, whatever. At least you finally get to do something.

Gerald Brofloski: So, Mr. Jefferson, I hear you're from Kentucky.
Michael Jackson: Uh yeah, Kentucky, yeah.
Randy Marsh: I thought you all were from Illinois.
Michael Jackson: No, that's ignorant.

Blanket: Hey, guys!
Kyle: Hi, Blanket. Uh look, we're going to help my dad chop wood. You wanna come with?
Blanket: Really? You mean it?
Michael Jefferson: [Michael Jackson] Oh yay! My friends are here. Come inside and play.
Stan: Um, actually, Mr. Jefferson, we were seeing if *Blanket* wanted to chop wood with us.
Michael Jefferson: Chop wood? No, that's ignorant. That's poopie work. Blanket and me wanna play.

Kenny: All right, but you guys owe me for this!
Stan: Dude, whatever. At least you finally get to do something.

Kenny: [after Kyle, Stan and Blanket come running into the room] You guys, what the hell is going on out there?
Mr Jefferson: Blanket, come and play with me.
Kenny: Oh, wait. I'm not blanket. Stop! Stop!
[Mr Jefferson throws Kenny so high that his head gets lodged in the ceiling and he bleeds to death]
Stan: Oh, my God! He killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!

Randy Marsh: Stan, time to get up for school. Stan? What the...
[Sees Michael Jefferson a.k.a Michael Jackson, in bed with Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Blanket]
Randy Marsh: Mr. Jefferson!
Michael Jackson: Oh, uh, we were just having a slumber party.
Randy Marsh: Mr. Jefferson, this is highly inappropriate.
Michael Jackson: Inappropriate? No, you're being ignorant. They're my friends. You see, I didn't have a childhood so I'm really just a child myself. Here, everything's okay. I want you each to have $100.
Randy Marsh: Wow. I'm gonna go buy that new sport coat I've been wanting.


"South Park: Weight Gain 4000 (#1.2)" (1997)
Stan Marsh: Cartman doesn't know a rain forest from a pop-tart!
Cartman: Yeah, I do! Pop-tarts are frosted!

Stan Marsh: Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.
Stan Marsh: Dolphins are way smarter than you!
Cartman: If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?
Stan Marsh: Dolphins don't live in igloos, that's Eskimos!
Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, what's the difference? It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap!

Kyle: What are you drinking, Cartman?
Cartman: Weight Gain 4000. It's helping me bulk up.
Stan: Bulk up to what? Fat ass?
Kyle: Super fat ass?

Stan Marsh: Officer Barbrady, have you seen Mr. Garrison?
Officer Barbrady: The schoolteacher? Wait a minute...
[he flashes back to his encounter with Mr. Garrison]
Mr. Garrison: Officer Barbrady, do you know where I could get a good shot, er, view, of Kathy Lee?
Officer Barbrady: Hmm, I bet the book depository would be a good bet... book depository... book depository... depository... depository!
[back to the present]
Officer Barbrady: My God, he could be anywhere!

Cartman: I'm gonna be on television. I'm gonna be on television.
Stan: We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy.
Cartman: Oh, stop defending your girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish.
Stan: Dude, dolphins aren't stupid. They're inteligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonaise.
Stan: Dolphins are way smarter than you.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? If they're so smart, how come they live in igloos?
Stan: Dude, that's not dolphins, that's Eskimos.
Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, it's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.

Mr. Garrison: Congratulations, Eric, on writing the award-winning paper.
Cartman: Kick ass.
Stan: That's impossible. Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart.
Cartman: Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.

Kyle: Hey Stan. Did you see that rainbow this morning?
Stan: Yeah. It was huge.
Cartman: Eh. I hate those things.
Kyle: Nobody hates rainbows.
Stan: Yeah. What's there to hate about rainbows?
Cartman: Well, you know. You'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and they'll come marching in, and crawl up your leg, and start biting the inside of your ass, and you'll be all like, "Hey. Get out of my ass you stupid rainbows."
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm talking about rainbows. I hate those friggin' things.
Kyle: Rainbows are those little arches of color that show up during a rainstorm.
Cartman: Oh. RainBOWS. Oh yeah, I like those. Those are cool.
Stan: What were you talking about?
Cartman: Huh? Oh nothing. Forget it.
Kyle: No. What marches in, crawls up your leg-...
Cartman: Nothing.
Kyle: ...and starts biting the inside of your ass?
Cartman: Nothing.


"South Park: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (#1.1)" (1997)
Eric Cartman: I dreamed I was standing out in a field, and there was this huge satellite dish stickin' out of my butt. And there were hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship, and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
Stan: That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened.
Eric Cartman: Oh, right. Why don't I have pinkeye, then?
Kyle: Cartman, you do have pinkeye.
[last lines]
Eric Cartman: Oh, son of a b - - .

[Wendy has just given Stan a note]
Kyle: What does the note say?
Stan: Holy Crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school!
Kyle: Whoa. Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue!
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her!
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
Kenny McCormick: [Kenny laughs; the others get it and join in]

[Wendy has just given Stan a note]
Kyle: What does the note say?
Stan: Holy Crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school!
Kyle: Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue!
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Or you could slide your finger up her pussy!
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat- oh.
[Kenny laughs]

Cartman: Stan wants to kiss Wendy Testaburger.
Stan: Shut up, fat ass!

Kyle: Dude, what does the note say?
Stan: [glances at it] Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.
[look of wonder on his face]
Kyle: Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny: [muffled] Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
[Kenny waits to see if the others got the message, then laughs; the rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant]

Kyle: [Kyle's brother Ike is being kidnapped by the aliens] We have to do something!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything for now... That fat bitch won't let us!
Mrs. Crabtree: [shouts] What did you say?
Stan: I-I said that rabbits eat lettuce!
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh... Well yes, they certainly do...

[first lines]
Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny: [singing] School days, school days / dear old golden rule...
Kyle: Aww, dammit! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again!
Ike: E bonanner!
Kyle: Ike, you can't come to school with me!
Cartman: Yeah, go home you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!
Stan: What's a dildo?
Kyle: I don't know. And I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!
Cartman: I know what it means!
Kyle: Well, what?
Cartman: [pause] I'm not telling you!
Stan: What's a dildo, Kenny?
[Kenny mumbles through his snow suit, then Cartman and Stan laugh]


"South Park: Tom's Rhinoplasty (#1.11)" (1998)
Chef: [gloomy] Hello there, children.
Cartman: Hey, Chef.
Kyle Broflovski: How did your date with miss Ellen go?
Chef: Not too good.
Stan Marsh: What happened? Didn't you make sweet lovin' to her?
Chef: No, no, no, she's not like that. You see, uh, how do I put this. Children, Miss Ellen doesn't exactly play for right team.
[children look puzzled]
Chef: I-I-I-In other words, children, she not a member of the *heterosexual persuasion*.
[the children still don't have a clue]
Chef: Don't you understand? She's a lesbian!
Stan Marsh: A whatbian?
Kyle Broflovski: A prebian?
Chef: You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
Stan Marsh: [to Kenny] Kenny?
[Kenny shrugs]
Stan Marsh: No, explain it to us, Chef.
Chef: That-That's okey, eh b... look, all you need to know is, Miss Ellen is a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.
Stan Marsh: Oh.
Chef: Now move along, children, you're holding up the line.
[they walk on]
Kyle Broflovski: Weak, dude! She only likes other lesbians?
Stan Marsh: Hey man, if she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians too!
Kyle Broflovski: Hey, yeah!
Cartman: You guys, you know what? My grandma was Dutch-Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian, that makes me quarter lesbian!

[the boys enter Cartman's house, and see him licking the carpet]
Stan Marsh: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman: My Mom said if you want to become a lesbian, you have to lick carpet.
Kyle Broflovski: Really?
Stan Marsh: Well, I got a Indigo Girls CD, the guy at the record store said it was perfect
[puts the CD in the player]
Stan Marsh: .
Kyle Broflovski: I got these killer Birkenstocks.
[the boys all start licking the carpet while the Indigo Girls are playing]
Stan Marsh: This is a bunch a' crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!

Stan Marsh: I can't wait for Miss Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am!
Cartman: I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
Stan Marsh: No, you're a fatter lesbian than me!
Kyle Broflovski: Screw you, guys, I am King lesbian!

Cartman: [about Miss Ellen] She wasn't looking at you, buttlord, she was looking at me!
Kyle Broflovski: Well that goes without saying, fatass. How could she help but look at you?
Stan Marsh: You guys can stop fighting. It was *me* she was checking out.
Cartman: Until you puked on her.

Chef: What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?
Kyle Broflovski: Miss Ellen, dude. She's *beautiful*!
Chef: Is she, like, Vanessa Williams beautiful or Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? Or is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rogers beautiful?
Stan Marsh: Yeah, that one.
Chef: Woo, I gotta meet this woman!

Kenny: MMffm mmfmm mmmfmmm.
Stan: You can say that agian, Kenny.
Kenny: MMffm mmfmm mmmfmmm.


"South Park: A Ladder to Heaven (#6.12)" (2002)
Eric Cartman: Alright, look. I didn't want to have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing Heaven because *one* of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle Broflovski: Huh?
Eric Cartman: Heaven could be like the Pixie-Faries of Bubble-Yum Forest: you only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan Marsh: What?
Eric Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing Heaven because one of us is a J-O-O...?
Kyle Broflovski: [Beat] What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?
Eric Cartman: Because Jews don't believe in Heaven!
Kyle Broflovski: Yes, we do! Just not the Christian Heaven.
Eric Cartman: Right; your idea of Heaven is getting five dollars off your matzoh ball soup at Barney's Beanery by lying about a hair in it.
Kyle Broflovski: YAAAAAAH!
[Punches Cartman]

Stan Marsh: [angry, having found out that Cartman drank Kenny's remains] Well, so much for our winning ticket! Cartman probably drank that with the rest of Kenny!

Carol McCormick: You see, boys, Kenny's in here.
[pours out a bit, but the remains are white]
Carol McCormick: Huh?
[pours a bit onto her hand]
Carol McCormick: Wait a minute; this is kitty litter!
Eric Cartman: All right. All right. I drank the chocolate milk mix and replaced it with kitty litter.
Stuart McCormick: [shocked] You what?
Stan Marsh: [shocked] Dude! Don't you know what this means? You drank Kenny!
Eric Cartman: Shut up!
Kyle Broflovski: [shocked] You did, dude; you drank his whole body!
Eric Cartman: Shut up!
Carol McCormick: [almost crying] Oh my god, this is awful... and disgusting!

Stan: Maybe you have brain cancer.
Eric Cartman: You think so?
Kyle Broflovski: Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman. You might fall off and break it.

Cartman: All right, look. I didn't want to have to say this, but i think maybe we're not seeing heaven is because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of bubblegum forrest. you only see them if you really believe it them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe where not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O?
[pause]
Kyle: What does me being a jew have to do with anything?


"South Park: The Return of Chef (#10.1)" (2006)
Chef: Hello there, children!
The Boys: Hey Chef.
Chef: How's it going?
Kyle: Good.
Chef: Well, how about I meet you boys after work and we make love?
Eric Cartman: Excuse me?
Chef: Come on, children. You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweet love.
Kyle: Chef? Are you okay?
Chef: I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle.
Stan: Dude, what are you saying?
Chef: [singing] I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children.
Stan: [after a long pause] WHAT?

Kyle: Chef, the police are asking questions about you.
Chef: Oh, really? Well, let's all go home and make love.
Stan: No, Chef! We don't want to make love to you.
Chef: Kenny, how'd you like to sodomize my black ass?
Kyle: Chef! Chef, you need to get out of here before you get arrested, all right?
Chef: I specializes in your asshole, Kyle.

Super Adventure Club Head Explorer: You see, the Super Adventure Club was founded by the greatest explorer of all time, William P. Phinehas! Phinehas climbed the highest peaks, tamed the mightiest rivers, but every time he got somewhere, he realized that other explorers had beat him to it. Phinehas was depressed, until he realized that if he couldn't be the first to discover places, he could be the first to have sex with the native children that inhabited those areas! Phinehas quickly went down in history books as the first man to have sex with the Aborigine children at Uluru, and the first explorer to bugger all the underage mountainfolk of Nepal. But now the most wonderful part: you see, after having sex with all those children, Phinehas realized that molesting all those kids had made him immortal.
Stan: [in disbelief] Immortal.
Super Adventure Club Head Explorer: He discovered that children have things called marlocks in their bodies. And when an adult has sex with a child, the marlocks implode, feeding the adult receptive cavity with energy that causes immortality, so saith the ruler of Bethos. Phinehas traveled the world, loving many, many children, and he lived for eternity. Until he was hit by a train in 1892.
Kyle: Do you realize how retarded that sounds?
Super Adventure Club Head Explorer: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his son to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded than Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?
Stan: Yeah. It's way, way more retarded.

Psychiatrist: What was Chef's favorite activity before it was having sex with children?
Stan: Having sex with women.

Stan: Oh my god, they killed Chef!
Kyle: You Bastards! You bastards!


"South Park: Raisins (#7.14)" (2003)
Goth Kid: I guess you can join up with us if you want.
Goth Kid 2: Yeah. We're gonna go to the graveyard and write poems about death and how pointless life is.
Butters: Uh, uhm no thanks. I love life.
Stan: Huh? But you just got dumped.
Butters: Well yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid.
Goth Kid 2: Yeah.
Stan: No. No, Butters, that doesn't sound stupid at all.
Butters: Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.

Stan: Jimmy!
Jimmy Swanson: Hey Stan.
Stan: Jimmy, will you go talk to Wendy for me?
Jimmy Swanson: F-f-fo-for what?
Stan: Just go talk to her, and be poetic. Tell her- tell her- tell her she's "a continuing source of inspiration for me."
Jimmy Swanson: She's what?
Stan: She's "a continuing source of information to me."
Jimmy Swanson: Okay.
[Walks up to Wendy]
Jimmy Swanson: Hey w- hey Wendy.
Wendy Testaburger: Yeah?
Jimmy Swanson: Stan says you're a cunt... you're a... cunt... Stan says you're a cunt... cunt... cunt...
Wendy Testaburger: Well tell Stan to fuck off!
[runs away]
Jimmy Swanson: Cunt... cunt... continuing source of inspiration to him.

Stan: [in a cracked voice] What's the point of living when the only girl I've ever loved is gone?
Cartman: God, what a fag!

Stan: Jimmy, will you go talk to Wendy for me?
Jimmy: F-F-for wh-what?
Stan: Just go talk to her, and be poetic. Tell her she's my muse. No, tell her... tell her... she's a continuing source of inspiration to me.
Jimmy: She's what?
Stan: She's a continuing source of inspiration to me.
Jimmy: Okay. Hey, W- Hey, Wendy.
Wendy: Yeah?
Jimmy: Stan says you're a cont... you're a cont... Stan says you're a cont- cont...
[sounds like "cunt"]
Wendy: Well, tell Stan to stop!
[walks away]
Jimmy: [continues] ... cont... You're a continuing source of inspiration to him.

[last lines]
Stan: Hey Wendy, you're a bitch! Token,
[flips him off]
Stan: Right here, buddy.
[Token and Wendy walk off angrily]


"South Park: It Hits the Fan (#5.1)" (2001)
Ms. Choksondik: Alright children, in lew of the common usage, I'm supposed to clarify the school's position on the word "shit".
Stan Marsh: Wow! We can say shit in the school now?
Kyle: This is ridiculous. Just because they say it on TV, it's alright?
Ms. Choksondik: Yes, but only in the figurative noun form or the adjective form?
Eric Cartman: Huh?
Ms. Choksondik: You can only use it in the nonliteral sense. For instance,
[writes on the board]
Ms. Choksondik: "That's a shitty picture of me" is now fine. However, the literal noun form of
[writes on the board]
Ms. Choksondik: "This is a picture of shit" is still naughty.

Eric Cartman: I don't get it.
Stan Marsh: Me neither.
Ms. Choksondik: The adjective form is now also acceptable. For example,
[writes on the board]
Ms. Choksondik: "The weather outside is shitty". However, the literal adjective is not appropriate. For example,
[writes on board]
Ms. Choksondik: "My bad diarrhea made the inside of the toilet all shitty and I had to clean it with a rag which then also became shitty". That's right out
[crosses out the sentence]
Timmy: Shhhhhhit,
Ms. Choksondik: Very good, Timmy.
Butters: Ms. Choksondik, can we say on the expletive, like "Oh shit!" or "Shit on a shingle"?
Ms. Choksondik: Yes, that's now fine.
Eric Cartman: Wow! This is gonna be great! A whole new word!
Kyle: [angrily] It's not new! I'm gonna look "shit" up in the encyclopedia and prove it.
Eric Cartman: Don't my Kyle everyone, he's just got a little sand in his vagina.
Kyle: [bangs on desk] THERE'S NO SAND IN MY VAGINA!
Ms. Choksondik: Boys, watch your language! Shit!

Stan Marsh: This sucks. Now that "shit"'s out, it isn't fun to say it anymore.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, they've taken all the fun out of "shit". We're gonna have to say other bad words like "cock" and "fuck" and "mee krob".
Stan Marsh: What's mee krob?
Eric Cartman: You know, that stuff you get as an appetizer at Thai food restaurants. Mee krob is way grosser than shit, dude. I'd scarf down a whole, wet bucket full of shit before I ate another plate of mee krob.

Kyle: It said in my book that the word "shit" started the exact same time as something called "The Black Death".
Chef: The Black Death? Are you sure?
Stan Marsh: What's "The Black Death", Chef?
Chef: LaToya Jackson, children.

Excalibur employee: How could you foolish Americans bring the wrath of scorn by masschanting the word of wretchedness?
Chef: Er... yeah... We didn't mean to.
Excalibur employee: Didn't you realise "shit" is a curse word?
Stan Marsh: Well, yeah, but I don't think we knew that "curse word" meant... curse word.
Excalibur employee: Ha! Leave it to Americans to think that "no" means yes, "pissed" means angry, and "curse word" means something other than a word that's cursed!


"South Park: Fantastic Easter Special (#11.5)" (2007)
[Kyle is fingerpainting at his house when a doorbell rings, and he goes to answer it and opens the door]
Stan: [unkempt, gasping and holding Snowball the rabbit] Help.
Kyle: What happened?
Stan: My dad's in a rabbit-worshiping cult called the Hare Club for Men, they protect the secret of Easter but before they said what it was they were attacked by ninjas and put me in charge of Snowball.
Kyle: ...I'm kind of fingerpainting right now.
Stan: [enters anyway] Dude, they took my dad away. They even shot one of his fellow hares. And now they're after me! Do you know anything about Easter? What is the connection between Jesus and rabbits and colored eggs?
Kyle: Dude, I'm Jewish. I have no idea.

[Stan and Kyle escape from Professor Teabag's mansion that was ransacked by ninjas, while holding Snowball]
Kyle: So what now?
Stan: If the pope has my dad... I have to give him what he wants.
Kyle: You aren't just gonna hand Snowball over?
Stan: What choice do I have? There's nobody left who can help us!... Wait... unless... maybe there is.
[he hands Snowball to Kyle]
Stan: Here, hold this.
[walks some distance from Kyle and prays]
Stan: Jesus, I know we haven't talked in a long time, and I know that every time you appear we end up killing you somehow, but... I don't know what to do. And I could really use your help.
[he waits for a long time, hoping his prayer can be answered, but there's no sign of Jesus]
Kyle: [looking down at Snowball] I think the rabbit just crapped on my jacket.

[the Marsh family is coloring the eggs at their home]
Randy Marsh: [singing] In my Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it, / I'll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade.
[he finishes coloring the egg and shows it off]
Randy Marsh: Look at that one, huh? Half-purple and half-yellow with a chickadee sticker. I'm good.
[sets it into the egg tray and goes for another one]
Stan: Uh, can I ask a question? Why do we do this?
Randy Marsh: Wha... what do you mean, "Why do we do this?" It's Easter!
Stan: Right. So why do we color eggs?
[Shelley makes a cross face]
Randy Marsh: Well... so that the Easter Bunny can hide them.
Stan: Yeah, but why?
Randy Marsh: Stanley, Easter celebrates the day that Jesus was resurrected after being crucified for our sins.
Stan: So we dip eggs in colored vinegar and a giant rabbit hides them?
Randy Marsh: [continues coloring] That's right.
Stan: You don't see the missteps in logic with that?
[Randy is unfazed, while Shelley, Sharon and Grandpa Marvin look at Stan disapprovingly]
Stan: Look, I'm just saying that somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a... a gap of information.
Randy Marsh: [becoming cross] Stanley, just dye your goddamn eggs!
Stan: [leaves his seat] I don't feel like coloring eggs! I don't get it!
Randy Marsh: What is wrong with him?
Sharon: Well, he's just getting older, Randy. Maybe he's figured out the Easter Bunny isn't real.
[continues dyeing her eggs; Randy slams his palms down on the table angrily, and Sharon is taken aback]
Randy Marsh: [rising up to leave] You know so little!

[at Stan's room, Randy explains things to his son]
Randy Marsh: I wanted to keep this from you, Stan. I really wanted to wait until you were older, but... you just had to keep asking questions!
Stan: Why were those other rabbit guys chasing me?
Randy Marsh: We have to be careful when we think somebody's onto us.
[turns around to face Stan]
Randy Marsh: We are all part of a secret society, Stan. A very ancient, very important society of men, who follow the Way of the Rabbit, and protect the secret of the Easter Bunny. We are called... The Hare Club For Men.
Stan: [not impressed, but curious] Does Mom know about this?
Randy Marsh: Duh, it's The Hare Club For Men! Chicks wouldn't understand.
Stan: *I* don't understand!
Randy Marsh: I belong to a secret society that has been around for thousands of years! Our identities have to be protected!
Stan: Could... could you take off the ears, please?
Randy Marsh: Stan, you don't seem to understand how serious this is! The secret of Easter that we protect is something that could rock the foundation of the entire world!
Stan: So what is the secret of Easter?
Randy Marsh: I can't tell you. You have to be allowed into the society first, but... but perhaps... it's time.

[Randy drives Stan along a secluded road at night; Stan has a bag over his head so he doesn't see where they're going]
Randy Marsh: I always knew this day would come, when my son would be brought into the society. Reminds me of the day I was brought in by my father.
Stan: Grandpa's in it too?
Randy Marsh: Of course. Marshes have been in The Hare Club For Men for generations. All the way back to the beginning.
Stan: Dad, do I have to wear this bag over my head the entire time?
Randy Marsh: You aren't a member yet. You can't know where our secret meetings take place. We're going to a distant location, an old building near the lake about 40 minutes away.
Stan: [guessing] You mean the old Galveston Lodge?
[Randy is taken aback at Stan's memory, and so he thinks about what to do next; after a while, he decides to remove the bag and continues driving]
Randy Marsh: Dammit!


"South Park: The Passion of the Jew (#8.3)" (2004)
Stan: [about Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ"] That wasn't a movie - that was a snuff film! We want our 18 dollars back!

[after seeing The Passion of the Christ]
Stan: Hey, we want our money back.
Ticket Seller: Huh?
Stan: That movie sucked ass. Give us back our $18.
Ticket Seller: I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie.
Stan: That wasn't a movie. That was a snuff film.
Kenny: [muffled] Yeah.
Stan: You can't charge people to watch a guy get tortured for two hours.
Ticket Seller: That guy happens to be Jesus and he went through all that to pay for your sins.
Stan: We go to church to learn that stuff. We go to movies to be entertained. We weren't entertained and we want our money back!
Ticket Seller: I'm not allowed to give your money back after you've sat through the whole movie. You'd have to take your complaint up with the film's producers.
Stan: What, Mel Gibson? You're saying we have to get our money back from Mel Gibson?
Ticket Seller: Yeah, I'd like to see you try.
Stan: Oh, we will. This is America, and in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back!

Cartman: [on the phone] See you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do. He was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes.
Stan: [Doesn't recognize Cartman] Look, Kid, we just thought it was a bad movie. Tell us how we can get in touch with Mel Gibson so we can get our money back.
Cartman: If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment. All I know is that he lives somewhere in Malibu. Now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick.
Stan: Hey, don't take that tone with me, kid. I'll kick your ass.
Cartman: Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try, asshole. I'm like six feet tall.
Stan: I don't care. You sound like a little bitch to me!
Cartman: Bitch, don't call me 'bitch' or I'll pop your fucking head open.
Stan: Yeah, you wanna bring it, you little pussy?
Cartman: I already brought it, bitch. I brought it, set it down on the table, and opened it, bitch!
Stan: Wait a minute... Cartman?
Cartman: Um...
[Hangs up]

Mel Gibson: I have to use that money to build my own church. I've brought the fire and brimstone back to Christianity with The Passion, and now I'm going to start my own church. And do you know why? So I can play banjo! Jesus, oh how I love Ya, how I love Ya, Jesuuus!
Stan: Dude, this guy is freaking daffy!
Mel Gibson: How dare you call me crazy! This means war!
[pulls out a gun and starts making Indian war noises]

Mel Gibson: [while chasing Stan and Kenny] Jesus is lord!
Stan: [to Kenny] Let's get the hell out of here!
Mel Gibson: [Stan opens a door and sees Mel Gibson dressed in a Carmen Miranda outfit] Boom chicky boom chicky boom hee hee!, Boom chicky boom chicky boom hee hee!
[Stan opens another door to find Mel Gibson in a clown outfit]
Mel Gibson: When you're a clown nobody takes you seriously!
Stan: [Running out the door screaming] Come on dude run!
Mel Gibson: [Runs out the door carrying a sword while wearing his William Wallace war paint] K'plagh! K'plagh!
[singing]
Mel Gibson: And good evening friends!


"South Park: With Apologies to Jesse Jackson (#11.1)" (2007)
Stan Marsh: [about what his dad said on Wheel of Fortune] Dude, its okay. My dad apologized to Jesse Jackson and he accepted it.
Token: Jesse Jackson is not the Emperor of black people!

Randy Marsh: Words with venom, words that bind, / Words used like weapons to cloud my mind. / I'm a person, I'm a man, but no matter how I try, / People just say, "Hey! There's that Nigger Guy." / Everywhere I go it's always the same, / Everyone just thinks of me as that one single name. / "Hey Nigger Guy!" "Nigger Guy!" "Hi Nigger Guy!" Stop! / Now go, call me Nigger Guy, fill me with your hate, / Try to bring me down, boop bop you're too late. / When will it end? Will there ever be a time / Where I can be thought of as more then just Nigger Guy? / Respect.

Stan Marsh: Listen, Token, my dad isn't a racist, he's just stupid, alright? He just blurted out the N-word and it's no big deal, okay?
Token: Uh, well, actually it is kind of a big deal Stan.
Eric Cartman: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh...
Token: It may be a mistake, but you don't know how it feels when that word comes out. So don't say it isn't a big deal.
Eric Cartman: Oh shit, here we go! It's on! Race War! Race War! Race War! Race war's on everybody! It's going down! Shit is going down!
Stan Marsh: Token, my dad wasn't trying to be offensive, just forget about it.
Token: That's easy for you to say Stan.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, come on, here we go.
Stan Marsh: Yeah, but he didn't say it anger or anything like that.
Token: That doesn't mean I can just be fine.
Eric Cartman: Race war, come on! Race war!
Token: If you really think it's not a big deal, then you really are ignorant. That's all. I'm not fighting anybody.
[Token walks away]
Eric Cartman: Token forfeits. Whites win! Whites win! Race war's over everybody! Whites won again!

Randy Marsh: [on Wheel Of Fortune] All right, I'd like to solve the puzzle... Niggers!


"South Park: The Biggest Douche in the Universe (#6.15)" (2002)
[Stan performing as a psychic]
Stan: Ok, listen to me. Listen *very* carefully. This is a *trick* that I am doing. Ok? Watch. All I'm going to do is say a name that I'm gonna pick at random, ok?
[pause]
Stan: They want me to acknowledge... Pete or Peter.
Woman: Yes. Yes, my Peter.
[Woman cries and audiance applauds]
Stan: No. Stop clapping. All I did was pick a name at random and wait for somebody in the audiance to give a response. Now that I see a that there is a lone woman in the audiance *crying*, my instinct tells me Peter was her husband. So I say, "Peter was your husband?"
Woman: Yes, yes, yes. My husband, Peter.
[Audience applauds]
Stan: STOP IT. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
Man: You knew Peter was dead.
Stan: I didn't start by saying Peter is dead, I start by saying, "They want me to acknowledge Peter." That could have meant that Peter was in the audience or that Peter was somebody's friend or that Peter had died I couldn't be wrong. See? Now, I can look at this woman and can see that she is fairly young so odds are that her husband was fairly young when he died. So I can say something like, "I'm getting that Peter's death was very untimely."
Woman: [sobbing] Yes, it was.
[Audiance applauds]
Man: Amazing.
Woman: Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy.
Stan: ...Ok... lets back up.
[Audiance takes a step back]
Stan: NOT LITERALLY.

John Edwards: But I'm a psychic.
Stan: No dude, you're a douche.
John Edwards: I'm not a douche. What if I really believe dead people talk to me?
Stan: Then you're a stupid douche.

John Edwards: So, you think you can talk to dead people better than me, huh?
Stan: No, I don't think either one of us can.
John Edwards: They tell me your show is getting better ratings than mine, that you're saying I'm a fraud on your show! You better not ever call me a liar or a fake or a douche again, or else I'll sue you for slander!
Stan: I'm saying this to you. John Edward. You are a liar, you are a fake, and you are the Biggest. Douche. Ever.

John Edwards: Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope. How does that make me a douche?
Stan: Because the big questions in life are tough. Why are we here? Where are we from? Where are we going? But if people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never going to find the REAL answer to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!


"South Park: Something You Can Do with Your Finger (#4.8)" (2000)
Kyle: What is "fingerbang" anyway?
Cartman: I don't know. I saw it on HBO. I think it's when you use your finger as a gun or something.
Kenny: [mumbling] That's not what it means.
Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? Then what does it mean, Kenny?
Kenny: [mumbling to Cartman about what "Fingerbang" means]
Cartman: Oh, gross, Kenny! Who would want to do that?

Stan: Dad, I like being in a boy band. I think it's interesting.
Randy Marsh: Well, there's plenty of interesting things you can do. Have you ever tried marijuana?

Cartman: Gentleman, thank you for coming. This is the beginning of a great time in our lives. God has finally spoken to me guys, and he has told me how I can make Ten million dollars.
Stan: How?
Cartman: Boy band.
Kyle: Boy band?
Cartman: Boy Band.
Stan: I'm not being in any faggy boy band
Cartman: There's nothing faggy about ten million dollars asshole.

Stan: Dude, we don't have any musical talent.
Cartman: That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass!


"South Park: Volcano (#1.3)" (1997)
Stan Marsh: My Uncle Jimbo says we gotta get up there early. Right Uncle Jimbo?
Jimbo: That's right, Stanley. Animals are much easier to shoot in the morning.

Stan Marsh: I don't want to shoot the bunny.
Jimbo: What the hell are you talking about, you don't want to shoot the bunny? You're babbling, you're not making any sense, you're hysterical!

Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this, he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.
Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.
Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.

Kyle: Wanna know what I think?
Stan: What?
[Kyle farts]


"South Park: Mystery of the Urinal Deuce (#10.9)" (2006)
George W. Bush: We all worked very hard to keep our involvement 9-11 a secret... but you just had to keep digging.
Kyle: Really?
"911truth.org" Guy: You wont get away with it. People know.
George W. Bush: People? You mean "sheeple." We have the majority of them kept in playful ignorance.
[Draws a gun]
George W. Bush: Just one more leak, to fix.
"911truth.org" Guy: Wait, what are you doing?
George W. Bush: You've been a thorn in our side for too long, cretin.
"911truth.org" Guy: No, you can't do this. Please! I'll stop! I'll take down the web site!
[gun shoved in his mouth]
"911truth.org" Guy: Oh God! Oh no, oh no!
George W. Bush: Too late.
[Bush kills the 911truth.org guy]
Stan: Jesus Christ!
Donald Rumsfeld: Ha ha ha. He died like a pig.
George W. Bush: Some pigs never learned.
Kyle: No, way.
Stan: He was right, you did cause 9-11.
George W. Bush: Yes. Quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted at the base of the towers, then on 9-11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania then flew two military jets into the World Trade Center filled with more explosives and shot down all the witnesses in Flight 93 with an F-15 after blowing up the pentagon with a cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed planm ever, ever.
Kyle: [disbelieving] Really?
Stan: Why?
George W. Bush: The oldest reason in the world: money. The towers fell and the American sheeple all waved their flags. Finally we could invade Iraq and get the oil which made us all even richer than before.
Donald Rumsfeld: Beautiful money. Ha ha ha!
Kyle: [even more disbelieving] Really?
Stan: Is the whole government in on this?
George W. Bush: We are all knowing and all powerful. Good-bye boys.
Dick Cheney: [shoots an arrow and misses the boys] Dang it, I missed again.
George W. Bush: For Christ's sake, Cheney.
Stan: Kyle, run!
[Stan and Kyle exit]
George W. Bush: Kill them!

Kyle: So then, who was responsible for 9-11?
Stan: What do you mean? A bunch of pissed off Muslims.
Frank Hardly: Yeah, what are you, retarded?

Joe Hardly: Hmmm. Who would benefit from two buildings dissapearing?
Frank Hardly: Oooh. Oh, I just started getting a clue.
Joe Hardly: Really?
Frank Hardly: Yeah, I'm totally getting a clue.
Joe Hardly: Oh. Oh, thats giving me a clue. Yea-Yeah I've got a raging clue right now.
Frank Hardly: Mine's pointing to the left.
Joe Hardly: Oh, Frank, seriously, I have such a raging clue right now, I think we better follow it.
Frank Hardly: OK, lets follow your raging clue.
[both exit]
Randy Marsh: God speed.

Stan Marsh: Did they find out who crapped in the urinal yet?
Kyle Broflovski: Not yet.
Eric Cartman: They aren't going to find out who did it, but they'll make up a scapegoat, send him to detention, and make us all believe it; it'll be 9/11 all over again.
Kyle Broflovski: Will you shut up about 9/11?
Eric Cartman: Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?
Kyle Broflovski: Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy, is a retard!
Eric Cartman: Oh, really? Well, did you know that over one fourth of the people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one fourth of Americans are retards?
[pointing at Kyle]
Kyle Broflovski: Yes! I'm saying one fourth of Americans are retards.
Stan Marsh: Yeah, at least one fourth.
Kyle Broflovski: Let's take a test sample: there's four of us, you're a retard, that's one fourth.
[pointing at Eric]


"South Park: You Got F'd in the A (#8.4)" (2004)
[Stan approaches Yao after Yao finishes playing "Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' Machine"]
Stan Marsh: Hey kid, you're pretty good. How would you like to join our dance troupe?
Yao: You mean, dancing without a machine telling you what to do?
Stan Marsh: Yeah.
Yao: That's stupid.
[He waves Stan off, who keeps up]
Stan Marsh: Dude, we need you.
Yao: I can't dance without the machine.

Stan Marsh: Your mom said you're the best dancer in the county.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Did she also tell you my dancing got eight people killed?

Stan Marsh: Your mom says you were one of the best dancers in the country.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Did she also tell you my dancing got eight people killed?

Stan Marsh: Look, Butters. Fighting hard to win, and getting in someone's face, and saying ha ha I'm better than you, that's part of being an American. And if you can't do that, then... you might just as well move to France with all the other pussies.


"South Park: 201 (#14.6)" (2010)
Kyle Broflovski: You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.
Jesus Christ: That's right. Don't you see, gingers? If you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.
Santa Claus: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.
Stan Marsh: Yeah.

[last lines]
Stan Marsh: Look, Mr. Cruise... I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that you had Seaman on your back.
Tom Cruise: I just can't do it anymore. I wanna go away. But there's nowhere on earth that people aren't around to rip on me.
Kyle Broflovski: Hey... Hey, we know a place! We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are there to mess it up.
Stan Marsh: We do? Oh... Oh yeah, we do!
Tom Cruise: You... really? Somewhere where I can just live out my days in peace and quiet and - Oh... Oh please, can you show me where?
Stan Marsh: We'll do better than that. We'll help you get there.
[Tom Cruise is then shown laying dead next to Willzyx on the moon]

Kyle: You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show. But, it wasn't because of some magic goo - it was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorising people works.
Jesus: That's right - don't you see, Gingers? If you don't want to be made fun of anymore all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.
Santa: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.
Stan: Yeah.


"South Park: Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes (#8.9)" (2004)
Stan Marsh: Jesus Christ... Dad?
Randy Marsh: Stan?
Stan Marsh: Stan: Dad, oh my God!
Randy Marsh: Staaaan!
Stan Marsh: What, Dad, are you dying?
Randy Marsh: No, I'm just really really tired. I was shopping at Wall-Mart all night.

Stan Marsh: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please.
Eric Cartman: Hey, guys, wait up. I wanna go with you and help out.
Kyle Broflovski: No way. You want to come with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying Wall-Mart.
Eric Cartman: Nu-uh.
Kyle Broflovski: Yu-hah! you want to come with us so that later I can go "Hah hah, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or something.
Eric Cartman: I am not, Kyle!
Stan Marsh: Dude, just let him come, the bus is about to leave.
Kyle Broflovski: Alright, fine. Come on, fat-ass.
[Kyle walks off; Cartman takes out a knife]
Eric Cartman: Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.
Kyle Broflovski: [running back] I heard that!
Eric Cartman: Heard what?
Kyle Broflovski: You said that we have no idea that you are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart.
Eric Cartman: That's not what I said!
Stan Marsh: Dude, come on!
Eric Cartman: He's working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!
Stan Marsh: Dude, we have to go.
Kyle Broflovski: God damn it.
Stan Marsh: Well, hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!
Eric Cartman: [offscreen] Heh heh, you stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from succeeding!

Stan Marsh: Goddamn, that took a long time.
Kyle Broflovski: It would have been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires!
Eric Cartman: I did not. I wanna close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do!


"South Park: Trapped in the Closet (#9.12)" (2005)
Stan: Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!

Sharon Marsh: Stanly, I didn't know you were miserable!
Stan: Neither did I!

Stan: I'm not really religious.
Scientology man: Oh, we see Scientology as more an alternative to Psychology than a religion.
Stan: So how come that sign says "Church of Scientology"?
Scientology man: Oh, that's just this thing.


"South Park: A Nightmare on Facetime (#16.12)" (2012)
Randy Marsh: Stan! I'm coming Stanny Boy!

Sharon Marsh: I spoke to the insurance company. They said we can get some of our money back. Not all, but some. Do you want to come, take a shower?
Randy Marsh: No.
Sharon Marsh: You want to stay out here and be frozen?
Randy Marsh: Okay.
Sharon Marsh: Would you like me to bring you some McDonald's?
Randy Marsh: Yes.
Sharon Marsh: What would you like from McDonald's?
Randy Marsh: Chicken nuggets. French fries. Sweet and sour sauce. Hi-C Orange.

Sharon Marsh: Can I help you with something?
Randy Marsh: [Odd, creepy monotone] According to industry experts, many rural areas don't have the bandwidth to support DVD-quality video and streaming services, and won't for years to come, making DVD rental still the best movie watching option.


"South Park: Red Hot Catholic Love (#6.8)" (2002)
Stan: What would a priest possibly want to stick in our butts?
Cartman: Maybe... no...

Kyle: What are you guys doing?
Stan: We had to go meet with this counselor lady... and she asked us if the priest ever put anything in our butts.
Kyle: In your butts?
Cartman: Yeah, isn't it the damndest thing?
Chef: [enters] Hello there, children!
Stan: Chef! What would a priest want to stick up my butt?
Chef: Goodbye!

Cartman: Oh dude, I think I might have it!
Stan: What?
Cartman: It makes perfect sense, okay, run with me on this. If you eat food, you crap out your butt, right?
Kyle: Yeah?
Cartman: Okay, now keep with me here, it gets a little complicated. If you eat food and crap out your butt, then maybe if you stuck food up your butt, you would crap out your mouth.
[Long silence]
Cartman: Mm?
Kyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said! This week.


"South Park: Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery (#3.10)" (1999)
KOZY FM Deejay: Here are some kids enjoying the Halloween Haunt.
[to Stan]
KOZY FM Deejay: Say, boys, what do you think of the KOZY FM Halloween Haunt?
Stan Marsh: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys making out in the park and that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen until I saw the KOZY FM Halloween Haunt.

Stan Marsh: Come on, fatass, we have to go.
[Liane laughs]
Cartman: Mom, don't laugh!
Liane Cartman: I'm sorry, honey.
Cartman: I can't go with you guys right now.
Stan Marsh: Yes you can, Porky.
[Liane laughs]
Cartman: Mom, seriously!
Liane Cartman: Now, that isn't funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.
Kyle Broflovski: He must have a huge bone in his ass then.
[Liane laughs hysterically]
Cartman: GODDAMNIT MOM!

Jonathan Davis: All right gang, we have to split up and look for clues!
Stan Marsh: How should we split up?
Jonathan Davis: I know! Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way, and everyone whose insecurity sabotage their potential to overcome those obstacles go that way.
[Everyone says "OK!", then splits up into two roughly equal groups]
Kyle Broflovski: Wow! That was easy!


"South Park: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo (#1.9)" (1997)
Stan: You guys, I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas.
Cartman: How do you know?
Stan: 'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.
Cartman: Yeah, well I sneaked around my mum's closet too and saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.
Stan: What's that?
Cartman: I don't know but it sounds pretty sweet.

[Kyle tries to catch a snowflake on his tongue]
Cartman: Hey! What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow.
Kyle: We can too!
Stan: No, I think it's against the law, dude.
Kyle: Officer Barbrady!
Officer Barbrady: [while stopping a car] What?
Kyle: Is it illegal for Jews to eat Christmas snow?
Officer Barbrady: Yes.
Kyle: Dammit!

Stan: [Kyle arrives at the bus stop with a box] What's in the box dude?
Kyle: It's a surprise
Cartman: Let me see!
Kyle: Oh okay but don't scare him
[opens the box to reveal Mr. Hankey as an inanimate turd]
Stan: Dude, sick!
Cartman: Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?
Kenny: [muffled] That is the sickest think I have ever fucking seen!
Kyle: Wait you guys he's alive!
[shakes box to no avail]
Stan: Kyle I think you'd better get home and get some sleep
Kyle: [shakes box harder] Come on dance, dance!, dance damn you!


"South Park: Ike's Wee Wee (#2.4)" (1998)
Stan Marsh: Why do dogs have cold noses?
Mr. Mackey: Uuuhh... well, I'm not sure.

Chef: Hello there, children!
Kyle Broflovski: Hey, Chef! How's it going?
Chef: Bad...
Kyle Broflovski: Why bad?
Chef: Children, I heard about what happened at school today! Now none of you tooked that nasty marijuana, did you?
Stan Marsh: No, dude! We never even saw it!
Chef: Okay, because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad.
Stan Marsh: We know, we know, that's what EVERYBODY says!
Chef: Right. But do you know WHY they're bad?
Kyle Broflovski: Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem, causing disease of both body and mind, the consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits.
Chef: And do you have ANY idea what that means?
Kyle Broflovski: No.
Eric Cartman: I know! Drugs are bad, because if you do drugs, you're a hippie! And hippies suck!
Chef: Just listen to this, children: DRUGS ARE BAD. Don't even try to find out about them. Remember, there's a time and place for everything... it's called college!

Stan Marsh: We're sorry, Mr. Mackey, mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, that's okay, just don't let it happen again.
Kyle Broflovski: We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay, that's that.
Eric Cartman: Mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay.


"South Park: Christian Rock Hard (#7.9)" (2003)
Stan Marsh: You don't even know anything about Christianity!
Eric Cartman: I know enough to exploit it.

Randy Marsh: [Opens the door to the garage] Stan, are you okay?
Stan Marsh: Yeah, dad, we're just rehearsing our band.
Randy Marsh: Ooh! I thought a group of Vietnamese people were having their intestines pulled out through their mouths.

Token: [to Cartman] Good job, dickhead! We lost the entire audience!
Cartman: Ah, fuck you Token, you black asshole!
[Token kicks the crap out of Cartman and leaves him coughing on all fours]
Stan: Hmm, guess he got what he deserved.
Butters: [Standing around Cartman, then after a while he farts on Cartman and gives him the finger] Fuck you, Eric.


"South Park: Bloody Mary (#9.14)" (2005)
A.A. Director: Do you know anything about A.A?
Stan: Yeah, and I also know something about cults. I used to be the leader of one for a while.

Randy Marsh: What seems to be the officer, problem?

Randy Marsh: Get Daddy another beer will ya?


"South Park: The Entity (#5.11)" (2001)
Kyle: My cousin's been here for two weeks and he's driving me insane. I've spent five years in this town making a good name for Jews and this... This stereotype shows up and wrecks it all. You know what my biggest fear is? It's that I'll become him. That some how his mannerisms will rub off on me and I'll become a stereotype. I mean I'm a Jew and he's making me hate Jews.
Stan: Dude, a self-hating Jew, you ARE becoming a stereotype.
Kyle: You see?

Mr. Garrison: What do you think, Mr. Marsh? You ready to put a down payment on that baby?
Randy Marsh: Well yeah, but I just had one question about how it works. Well, it seems all the buttons on these front and rear flexi-grips are also found on the side of the vehicle.
Mr. Garrison: Yep.
Randy Marsh: So, they don't really do anything.
Mr. Garrison: Right.
Randy Marsh: So then, couldn't I just order one that works without going in and out of my ass and mouth?
Mr. Garrison: [pause] ... Well, I guess you could.
Customers: Huh? What's that? What'd he say?

Kyle: Kyle, I told you, all kids in Colorado play hide and seek at the airport.
Stan: Yeah, as soon as we get to the concourse you'll see how much fun it is.
Kyle: This is taking too long. That flight to Connecticut is gonna leave. Hey! Can we speed things up here?
Security Officer George: Duh sorry, but ever since that It thing came out, the airlines have had to cut back on employees.
Kyle: Dude, we're the only ones here. How long does it take to get five people through security?
Security Officer George: Let's see... Five people plus times, divided... Two hours domestic, three hours international.
Kyle's Cousin: Can't we just play hide and seek at home?
Kyle: No!
Security Officer George: Aha! What's this?
[removes toe nail clipper from Kenny's coat]
Security Officer George: A toe nail clipper! Die, terrorist!
[shoots Kenny in the head]
Security Officer George: See, we do these checks for a reason.


"South Park: D-Yikes! (#11.6)" (2007)
Ms. Garrison: Children I'm going to tell you something that you may find, well, a little strange.
[sighs]
Ms. Garrison: I'm gay.
Stan: [after a pause] Again?

Cartman: [whistling] Kay Pasol! Kay Pasol!
[Mexicans come forward]
Cartman: Alright, did you read the book?
Mexicans: Si, si...
Kyle: What was it about? In case our teacher asks us?
Mexican #1: It starts there the old man... and he job is to catch the feesh... so he get in the boat to try and catch feesh.
Mexican #2: So he catches feesh... but the feesh is very strong, so the old man can't reel in the feesh.
Mexican #3: So then he fight the feesh some more and he finally catch the feesh.
Kyle: So he catches the feesh so he can make money?
Mexican #1: No... on the way home the sharks come and eat the feesh and so
[takes off his hat]
Mexican #1: ...he no make money.
[Sniffs, other Mexicans take off their hats]
Stan: That's it? That's the whole story?
Mexican #1: Si...
Cartman: Alright, did you write the four essays?
Mexican #1: Si, we all wrote eses for you
Boys: Alright!
Cartman: Let's have 'em!
Mexican #3: Have what?
Kyle: You said you all wrote essays, where are they?
Mexican #1: Well, my ese lives in Miami.

Ms. Garrison: Kid's I've got to tell you something that you might find shocking. I'm gay.
Stan: Again?


"South Park: Cartmanland (#5.6)" (2001)
Kyle Broflovski: What the hell are you doing, fatass?
Eric Cartman: Not much, just taking my *one million dollars* out of the bank.
[holds up a stack of banknotes]
Stan Marsh: [short silence] Oh, my God. Kenny *wasn't* lying!
Eric Cartman: Would you mind stepping aside, I got a purchase to make.
Stan Marsh: Dude, can you loan me twenty bucks for a new jacket?
Eric Cartman: Ha! If you need money you can get a job, Stan! No freeloaders are gonna take my hard-earned cash!
Kyle Broflovski: Your grandmother left it to you, you didn't *earn* it!
Eric Cartman: Didn't earn it? What about all the years I spent making grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with! The constant smell of aspirin and pee! Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch!

[Kyle is in the hospital with an infected hemorrhoid]
Stan Marsh: Dude, you okay?
Kyle Broflovski: Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?

Stan Marsh: [Stan and Kyle are playing with a Jennifer Lopez doll] There you are, Jennifer Lopez! You've been most uncooperative, Miss Lopez!
Kyle Broflovski: No! Please! I promise I'll never make another album OR movie!
Stan Marsh: It's too late for that, Miss Lopez!
Kyle Broflovski: Have mercy!
[They blow up the doll]


"South Park: The Succubus (#3.3)" (1999)
Chef's Father: Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?
Stan: You're chef's parents?
Chef's Mother: Yes, all his life.
Kyle: [in a hurry] We have to talk to him!
Chef's Father: Well, he should be out now directly.
Chef's Mother: He's so excited about the wedding now.
Chef's Father: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we met the Loch Ness Monster?
Stan: [impatiently] No, that's okay.
Chef's Father: Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.
Chef's Mother: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, Thomas, what on earth is that creature?"
Chef's Father: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...
Chef's Mother: Oh, it was so scary!
Chef's Father: ...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fitty."
[long pause]
Kyle: What's tree-fitty?
Chef's Father: Tree dollars, and fitty cents.
Chef's Mother: Tree-fitty.
Stan: He wanted money?
Chef's Father: That's right. I said, "I ain't givin' you no tree-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
Chef's Mother: I gave him a dollar.
Chef's Father: She gave him a dollar.
Chef's Mother: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
Chef's Father: Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more!

[the boys are arguing about Chef's new girlfriend]
Stan: Wait, you guys. Maybe... is it possible... that we're just jealous because Chef is our friend, and now he's paying attention to somebody new?
[Silence]
Kyle: Yeah, so?
Stan: Yeah, screw that bitch.

Stan: [sees Cartman has bandages on his eyes] Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
Eric Cartman: [annoyed] That asshole eye doctor screwed up my laser surgery. I have to wear these bandages for three days.
Stan: Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman.
Eric Cartman: [sarcastic] Oh, thanks for the newsflash, Tom Brokaw! What happened with Chef? Did you tell him she's a succubus?
Stan: We couldn't even talk to him, she's so evil. She has totally kept him away from us.


"South Park: Timmy 2000 (#4.3)" (2000)
Cartman: [all are high on Ritalin] I think we should go to Lalalapalalala anyway just to see Phil Collins.
Kyle: Yeah. I think Phil Collins rocks the house.
Cartman: Sounds good.
Cartman: Then it's decided. Phil Collins concert for all of us. Oh, hold still, Kenny.
[hits Kenny in the face with a frying pan]
Stan: Oh my goodness, you killed Kenny.
Kyle: Bastard.

Chef: Hello there children
Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny McCormick: [calmly] Hello Chef
Chef: How's it going?
Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny McCormick: [politely] Very well, thank you
Chef: [suspicious] Everything's fine? Why?
Stan: Because we're on Ritalin
Chef: What?
Kyle: We all have attention deficit disorder, so we all started taking Ritalin
Cartman: [talking like a stoner] It really takes the edge off man, you should try it
[takes a handful of pills]
Chef: So that's why all you children are acting so damned boring!
Kyle: That's correct Chef
Chef: Damnit, children, you don't need drugs to make you pay attention in school! In my day, if we didn't pay attention we got a belt to the bottom! Now they're tryin' to cure everything with drugs!

Chef: [about the children taking Ritalin] Oh it makes me sick! Those damned psychologists prescribe all kinds of medicines to you children without even caring about the side effects!
Stan: But there are no side effects Chef
Kyle: Not at all
Cartman: [hallucinates seeing a Christina Aguilera monster] Did you guys see that?
Stan: See what?


"South Park: Cancelled (#7.1)" (2003)
[Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny are waiting by the school bus stop. This scene is a rehash of the series' first episode "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe."]
Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny: [singing] School days, school days, teacher's golden rule days...
[Ike jumps in next to Kyle]
Kyle: Ah, damn it!
Cartman: What?
Kyle: My God-damned little brother's trying to follow me to school, again!
Ike Broflovski: Suck my balls.
Kyle: No, Ike. You can't come to school with me!
Cartman: Yeah! Go home, you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!
Cartman: Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dickhead!
[as the boys laugh, Kyle picks up Ike by the legs and swings him sideways, whacking Cartman in the face]
Stan: Dude, sweet!
Kyle: Yeah, check it out!
[Puts Ike down]
Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike Broflovski: Don't kick the God-damned baby!
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Kyle kicks Ike to the other side of the street]

Kyle: What is a proc-tologist, Chef?
Chef: He's a doctor that specializes in your asshole, children.
Stan: You mean at some point in this doctor's life, he decided he wanted to work on people's buttholes?
Chef: That's right.
Kyle: What a dick.

Proctologist: [diagnosing Cartman] Wait, what's this?
[a 20-meter-wide satellite dish deploys from Cartman's rectum]
Kyle: Are you okay?
Eric Cartman: Dude. You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome!
Chef: Well, doctor?
Proctologist: I've never quite seen this before, uh, p - perhaps he just needs some hemmorhoid cream.
[the satellite dish violently withdraws back inside Cartman]
Stan: You all right?
Eric Cartman: You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up inside your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALL RIGHT!


"South Park: Goobacks (#8.7)" (2004)
Stan: [the boys walk into a fast food restaurant and the cashier greets them in future talk] Can you please speak in modern-day English, please?
Future Immigrant #1: Oh, oh, um... Can I help you?
Stan: Yeah, I want a double cheeseburger and fries.
Future Immigrant #1: [confused] Chicken sandwich?
Stan: No, a double cheeseburger and fries.
Future Immigrant #2: [the manager comes out and talks to the cashier. Cashier leaves] Can I help you?
Stan: Yeah, I want a double cheeseburger and fries.
Future Immigrant #2: [confused] Chicken sandwich
Stan: [yelling] NO! I WANT A GODDAMN DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER AND GODDAMN FRIES
[Stan's parents walk in]
Stan: YOU FUCKING GOO-BACKS!
Randy Marsh: [scolding] Stan Marsh!

Stan: Dude, wait, wait, hold... hold on! Wait a second! This is gay!
Kyle: This is really gay!
Cartman: Yeah, this is even gayer than all the men getting in a big pile and having sex with each other.
Stan: Okay, sorry, my bad. Everyone back in the pile!
Darryl Weathers: [Undressing] Back in the pile, everyone! We're going back to the pile!

Stan: They took our jobs!
[audience replies]
Stan: Dey tok yer jobs! Dey tk yer jabbs! Derrker derrrd!


"South Park: Cow Days (#2.13)" (1998)
Eric Cartman: Mother!
[falls off the bull and lands flat on his face]
Kyle Broflovski: Get up, Cartman, you're still not staying on long enough!
Stan Marsh: Come on, Cartman!
Kenny McCormick: [Muffles] oh my god, they killed Cartman!
Kyle Broflovski: No he didn't kill him, he's still breathing.
[starts kicking Cartman]
Kyle Broflovski: Get up. Get up
[Cartman stands up in a trance]
Stan Marsh: You okay dude?
Kyle Broflovski: [In a distorted voice] Cartman, hello, hello.
Kyle Broflovski: Dude I think we broke him.

Stan Marsh: Dude, that bull's gonna kill him.
Kyle Broflovski: Go help him, Kenny
Kenny McCormick: [Muffles angrily, gets impaled by a bull's horn]
Stan Marsh: Oh my god, they killed Kenny!
Kyle Broflovski: You bastard!

Kyle Broflovski: Hey, I got it! The bull riding contest. Cartmen can ride a bull and try to win $5000. Think about it, dude $5000, that's one thousand set of balls, that's three thousand balls. We have to win enough to win the dolls.
Eric Cartmen: What the hell makes you think Cartmen rides a bull?
Kyle Broflovski: Because you're the one who spent our money on those stupid rides, fat-ass! Either you're riding on a bull or I'm gonna break your f***ing head open!
Eric Cartmen: [nervously says] okay I'll get on the bull.
Kyle Broflovski: All right. Let's go, we have to practice!
Stan Marsh: He really wants those dolls.
Eric Cartmen: God-damn.


"South Park: Prehistoric Ice Man (#2.18)" (1999)
Stan: Hey, he's still alive.
[yelling into hole]
Stan: Kyle. Are you OK?
Kyle: I think so. Is Cartman up there?
Cartman: I'm right here, Kyle.
Kyle: Cartman, you *beep*ing hunk of fat, rat *beep*ing hunk of pig *beep*ing ass fat.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Say that to my *face*, pussy!

Stan: Yeah well, I'll kick your ass so hard you'll wish you... never had it... to begin with. Your ass, I mean.

Stan Marsh: Dude!
Kyle: Help!
[Thud]
Stan Marsh: Good job Cartmen,you killed Kyle!
Kenny McCormick: [Muffled] You bastard!
Cartman: Well he shouldn't have called me fat.
Stan Marsh: Why the hell not, it's like calling the sky "blue".
Cartman: Well screw him, he's dead, let's go look for crocodiles.


"South Park: The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs (#14.2)" (2010)
Stan: [reading "Catcher In The Rye"] Did you get to *any* dirty parts yet?
Kyle: [also reading "Catcher..."] No! It's still just some whiny, annoying teenager talking about how lame he is.
Stan: I don't get it, dude. What's so controversial about this? All he's done is said "shit" and "fuck" a few times.
Kyle: I know! I'm almost at the end and there's nothing.
Eric: [enters, slamming door] Mother fucker! The whole thing. I read the whole *fucking* thing! I kept thinking, alright, the cool, offensive stuff must be coming. And then after a hundred pages I was like, *alright*, I guess all the dirty stuff is at the end. And then I got to the last page! And I was all, what da fuck is this! I JUST READ A BOOK, FOR NOTHING!
Kyle: Why the hell was this book banned?
Eric: They fucking tricked us, that's what they did! Tricked us into reading a book by enticing us with promises of vulgarity.
Kenny: [enters, mumbles] Dude, what the fuck is this...
[rest is indecipherable]
Eric: We know! We we're just saying that.
Stan: Why would anyone think this book was obscene and dangerous?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [just finished reading "Catcher..."] Kill John Lennon. Kill John Lennon. *Kill* John Lennon!

[Kyle and Stan are trying to comfort Butters, whose writings inspired someone to kill the Kardashian sisters]
Kyle: Aw... aw, Butters. It'll be alright. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning.
Stan: Yeah dude, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television.

[Sharon rushes into the kitchen, covered in vomit and carrying a copy of the boys' story]
Sharon Marsh: Randy? Randy! Randy, you need to read this!
Randy Marsh: Read what?
Sharon Marsh: This book! Our son and his friends wrote it!
Randy Marsh: So?
Sharon Marsh: "So?" Randy, it's... it's... it's REALLY good!
Randy Marsh: Huh?
[Sharon hands him the story]
Sharon Marsh: I mean, it's disgusting, it's, it's the most disgusting thing I've ever read, but the plot is AMAZING, and the characters are so... VIVID!
Randy Marsh: [reading from the page] "It was a warm summer morning when Scrotie McBoogerballs awoke to find a..." Ew, Sharon, gross!
Sharon Marsh: No, no, just keep reading!
Randy Marsh: "He took a... and then..." Oh, ma - oh, this...
[he vomits all over the floor]
Sharon Marsh: I know. I know, Randy, but trust me, you gotta push through to the end.
Randy Marsh: No, no, that's just WRONG!
Randy Marsh: Randy, please, you've got to listen to me!
Randy Marsh: [continues reading] "Walking out of the house, he found a bloody b..." What? "... which he immediately stuck up his infected..."
[he gags and vomits again. The scene fades to a short time later; Randy, exhausted and soaked in vomit, is reading the last page while Sharon looks on]
Randy Marsh: "... that was all long ago in some brief lost spring, in a place that is no more. In that hour, the vag-frogs begin, and the scent of Scrotie's infected anus comes strongest."
[he puts the page down and sighs]
Randy Marsh: Oh... oh, man.
Sharon Marsh: Well?
Randy Marsh: It's... it's awesome. Sharon, it's, it's the best book I've ever read.
Sharon Marsh: Right? It's not just me!
Randy Marsh: No, it's... I mean, the whole part about Amsterdam? Wow!
Sharon Marsh: What do we do, Randy? We can't support our son talking like this, but I, I mean...
Randy Marsh: No, I, I know. He's... people NEED to read this book, Sharon. This is... this is Pulitzer Prize stuff.


"South Park: Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut (#1.13)" (1998)
Mrs. Crabtree: [Eric did not show up for school again, and Stan, Kyle and Kenny are left waiting at the bus stop] Come on! We're running late!
Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!
Mrs. Crabtree: What did you say?
Stan: I said, "We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch."
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh, alright then...
[Bus goes off without them]
Kyle Broflovski: Whoa dude...
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.

[watching Bob Saget on TV]
Stan: This guy sucks!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah. He's almost as bad as that guy on Full House.

Stan: Oh my God, they videotaped killing Kenny!
Kyle Broflovski: You bastards!


"South Park: Conjoined Fetus Lady (#2.5)" (1998)
[Stan thinks there's a foetus in his head]
Stan Marsh: [brandishing a crowbar] NOOOO, I HAVE TO GET IT OUT!
[gets restrained by his father]

[the South Park team is bombarded with Chinese dodgeballs]
Stan Marsh: Oh my god, they killed Kenny!
Kyle Broflovski: [flatly, because he's doubled up in agony on the ground] You bastards.

Stan Marsh: Hey, that nurse is pretty cool!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, I wonder if that dead foetus's making her smarter!


"South Park: The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers (#6.13)" (2002)
Randy Marsh: Alright, now listen kids. There's some things that we need to put into context for you. You see, a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina for both love and pleasure. But sometimes the woman lays on top of the man facing the other way so that they can put each other's genitals in their mouths. This is called 69ing, and it's normal.
Sharon Marsh: You see boys, a woman is sensitive in her vagina and it feels good to have a man's penis inside of it.
Sheila Broflovski: That's right. But sometimes a woman chooses to use other things. Telephones, staplers, magazines. It's because the nerve endings in the vagina are so sensitive, it's like a fun tickle.
Gerald Broflovski: Now, on the double penetration boys, you see, sometimes when a woman has sex with more than one man, each man makes love to a different orifice.
Randy Marsh: That's right. It's something adults can do with really good friends in a comfortable setting.
Sheila Broflovski: It's also important that you understand why some people choose to urinate on each other.
Randy Marsh: Going number one or number two on your lover is something people might do, but you must make sure your partner is okay with it before you start doing it.
Gerald Broflovski: Okay boys, do you have any questions?
Stan Marsh: [astonished] Wow.

[Token has unknowingly watched a disturbing pornographic movie]
Token's Mom: Token? Did the boys come over and... show you a movie?
[Token just stares and remains silent]
Token's Dad: Token?
[Token remains silent]
Token's Dad: All right, Token, we know you must be very confused about what you saw.
[Token keeps staring and remains silent]
Randy Marsh: Yes, er... you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse.
[Token still keeps silent]
Randy Marsh: Well, y-you see, when a-when a man and a woman fall in love, the-the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.
Token Williams: [after a long silence] And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love too?
[another silence]
Token Williams: Five midgets, spanking a man covered with 1000-isles dressing. Is that making love?
Token's Dad: [Aghast] Jesus, what kind of porno was that?
Gerald Broflovski: It was "Backdoor Sluts #9".
Token's Dad: Oh Jesus, not that one!
[his wife gives him a foul look]

Gerald Broflovski: [Talking about the porno] Okay, okay. How bad was it?
Randy Marsh: It was... Backdoor Sluts 9.
Men: BACKDOOR SLUTS 9?
Stephen Stotch: Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
Gerald Broflovski: It is the single most vile, most twisted piece of porn ever made.
Sheila Broflovski: [furiously] HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW?
Gerald Broflovski: I, uh, I read about it in People.


South Park Rally (2000) (VG)
Stan Marsh: You all fucking suck!

Stan Marsh: Ow, motherfucker!


"South Park: Towelie (#5.8)" (2001)
Kyle Broflovski: [everyone's driving around] How long has it been since you've been back there?
Towelie: I've been wondering around on my own for the past few weeks. Ya know, helpin' people out with towel safety and proper towel use. It's important!
Eric Cartman: No it isn't.
Towelie: Is.
Eric Cartman: No it isn't!
Towelie: Is.
Towelie: Wait turn down here. It's down this dirt road.
Stan Marsh: Break Kenny, break.
[Kenny turns car to dirt road]
Towelie: Maybe it was down that dirt road.
Stan Marsh: Dude, don't you remember where it is?
Towelie: I can't remember, it all looks the same. Hold on, let me get high. Then I'll remember where it is.
[Towelie smokes the pot and get really high]
Stan Marsh: Alright, so where is it?
Towelie: [Towelie talks slowly and is very sluggish] Where's what?
Kyle Broflovski: [the boys scream] The base where you're from and where our Okama Gamesphere is.
Stan Marsh: Alright, that does it. Break angrily Kenny.
[Kenny breaks the car fast]
Stan Marsh: Now listen Towelie, we've just about had it with you!
Towelie: Now come down.
Kyle Broflovski: That's it, you're not getting high again until we have our Okama Gamesphere back.
Towelie: That's my last J, asshole!
Kyle Broflovski: I don't care! You better remember where your base is!
Towelie: Oh man, why is everyone ridin' me today? God damn it.

Stan Marsh: Come on Towelie, the guy said you have the security system in your memory banks.
Towelie: Hey, it's been a long time.
Eric Cartman: You just have no long term memory because you get high all the time.
Towelie: [look at each other angrily] Don't preach to me, Fatso.
Eric Cartman: I can preach to you all I want because you're stupid!
Towelie: You're stupid!
Eric Cartman: Yeah, you're a towel!
Towelie: You're a towel!
Towelie: Just let me get high. I know I can remember if I get high.
Stan Marsh: Oh, God damn it. Alright, fine. Here's your stupid lighter.
Towelie: [Towelie smokes the pot]
[Towelie starts typing on the access code]
Towelie: Hold on. Wait a second
[Towelie pretends to figure the access code, but is typing in the Soundbits of the song "Funkytown" on the keypad door]
Towelie: That's it.
Kyle Broflovski: That's it?
Towelie: Yeah, that's the melody to "Funkytown."
Towelie: [types in the correct Soundbits of Funkytown on the keypad door and sings] "Won't you take me down to 'Funkytown'."
Stan Marsh: No Towelie, the entry code!
Towelie: For what?


"South Park: Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow (#9.8)" (2005)
Kyle: Can you believe it, Stan? I never thought global warming could happen so fast. I guess I didn't listen.
Stan: Kyle, it... it isn't global warming.
Kyle: Huh?
Stan: Global warming isn't happening right now. It's not what caused the Beaverton flood.
Kyle: How do you know that?
Stan: Because I know what did cause the flood.
Kyle: George Bush?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Terrorists?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Communists?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Chinese radicals?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Cartman?
Stan: Sorta.
Kyle: Cartman flooded Beaverton?
Stan: Shhhh! Not exactly. We were messing around on this guy's new boat and Cartman egged me on, and I crashed it into the Beaverton dam.
Kyle: Dude, you have to tell everybody! Right now!
Cartman: Hey Stan. Aw, goddamn it, you told Kyle, didn't you?
Kyle: Stan, people in Beaverton are still trapped on the roofs! Nobody's helping them because they think they can't go outside!
Cartman: Aw, here we go, see, I told you! If you're so caring, Kyle, why don't you share some of your Jew gold with the people caught in the flood?

Randy Marsh: [making a diagram of global warming damage] Everyone below this line needs to be evacuated. Everyone above this line is already dead. We're stuck here in the middle. These states might be okay, they're balmy. New York is gonna have huge tidal waves that affect this whole area.
[someone giggles]
Randy Marsh: What?
[looks at the board and realized his diagram looks like a penis]
Randy Marsh: Oh, godammit! Godammit!
[erases it]


"South Park: Follow That Egg (#9.10)" (2005)
[Ms. Garrison checks on the kids in her class if their parenting skills went well]
Ms. Garrison: Now how about our gay couples? Stan and Kyle?
Stan: [determined] Fine!
Ms. Garrison: What?
Stan: No problems at all!
Ms. Garrison: [angry] That's impossible!
[she snatches the egg from Stan's hand and looks it over carefully]
Ms. Garrison: Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me? Where's my signature?
Stan: It's right there, see?
[he leans toward Kyle in fear; Wendy looks away from the action]
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!
Kyle: Dude, it's totally fine.
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] It isn't fine! It has two daddies! It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed! Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies!
[taunts the egg directly]
Ms. Garrison: Two daddies! Two daddies! C'mon, class, let's rip on the freak egg! Two daddies! Two daddies!
[the class becomes confused]

[checks on the kids in her class to see if their parenting skills went well]
Ms. Garrison: Now, how about our gay couples? Stan and Kyle?
Stan: [determined] Fine!
Ms. Garrison: What?
Stan: No problems at all!
Ms. Garrison: [angry] That's impossible!
[she snatches the egg from Stan's hand and looks it over carefully]
Ms. Garrison: Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me? Where's my signature?
Stan: It's right there, see?
[he leans toward Kyle in fear; Wendy looks away from the action]
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!
Kyle: Dude, it's totally fine.
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] It isn't fine! It has two daddies! It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed! Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies!
[taunts the egg directly]
Ms. Garrison: Two daddies! Two daddies! C'mon, class, let's rip on the freak egg! Two daddies! Two daddies!


"South Park: Mecha-Streisand (#1.12)" (1998)
Officer Barbrady: Boys, shouldn't you be in school?
Stan Marsh: It's Saturday!
Officer Barbrady: No excuses! Move along, you little troublemakers!

[Barbra Streisand has disguised herself to trick the boys into giving her the magic Triangle]
Barbra Streisand: I want to give you a big cash reward for findsing it. It's worth a lot of money to me.
Eric Cartman: It is?
Stan Marsh: Hey, no wonder that Barbra Streisand lady wanted it.
Barbra Streisand: Oh!
[giggles nervously]
Barbra Streisand: Who is that?
Kyle Broflovski: Oh, just this really, really old lady who wishes she was still only forty-five.
[Boys laugh, Barbra Streisand grinds her teeth]
Stan Marsh: Yeah, and you should have seen her nose! It was big enough to land Stealth Bombers on!
[Boys laugh again, Barbra Streisand desperately tries to restrain herself]
Eric Cartman: Yeah! And talk about a bitch, I haven't seen...
Barbra Streisand: *Enough*!


"South Park: My Future Self n' Me (#6.16)" (2002)
[an older version of Stan has been sent back from the future through a time matrix]
Old Stan: Hey, Stan, do you want to go upstairs and play hide-and-seek?
Stan: [rolls eyes] Hide and seek?
Mr. March: Yes, Stan, you should go up and play with yourself.

Stan: [about to chop off his hand] Now, if that really is my future self, his hand will disappear the minute I chop off my hand, right?
[his parents scream for him to stop]
Stan: Can't stop dad - who knows, maybe that's the hand I use to smoke my first joint!


"South Park: Starvin' Marvin (#1.8)" (1997)
Stan: [on the phone] Hello? Is this Sally Struthers?... Oh.
Kyle: What did she say?
Stan: Shut up, Butt-pirate, I'm trying to hear.
Kyle: Ass-rammer.

Stan: [on the phone] Yeah, yeah; we want to adopt a starving Ethernopian.
Eric Cartman: When do we get the sports watch?
Stan: [annoyed] Just a second, fatass.
Eric Cartman: You Vas Deferens.
Stan: [continuing] Hello? No, it's a ma...
[he pauses]
Stan: Vas Deferens?
[Kenny mumbles something, possibly about "peepee"]
Stan: Oh.


"South Park: Rainforest Shmainforest (#3.1)" (1999)
Eric Cartman: Let me try. Let me try. We are from America. America. We are lost and very hungry. Necesito burritos!
Stan Marsh: I don't want a burrito. I want a taco. Supreme.
Eric Cartman: Y taco.
Kyle Broflovski: I want two tostados and mild sauce.
Eric Cartman: Dos tostados y, y enchiritos!
Miss Stevens: Boys, please. Not every Spanish person eats tacos and burritos. That's a stereotype!

Mr. Mackey: [Lecturing Craig in his office] I am tired of seeing you here in my office, young man. You get sent here every day, Craig.
Craig: I know.
Mr. Mackey: Why can't you behave?
Craig: I don't know.
Mr. Mackey: What do you have to say for yourself?
[Craig is silent]
Mr. Mackey: Well, I'll tell you what, young man. You're gonna be held back a grade if you can't...
[Craig gives Mr. Mackey the finger]
Mr. Mackey: Did you just flip me off?
Craig: No.
Mr. Mackey: Yes, you did! You just flipped me the bird! This is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight-
[Craig does it again]
Mr. Mackey: There! You just flipped me off again!
Craig: No, I didn't.
Mr. Mackey: Yes, you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room, m'kay? Next!
[Craig hops off the chair as the door opens. The boys enter]
Mr. Mackey: Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric.
Kyle Broflovski: Hi, Craig.
Eric Cartman: Hey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!
Mr. Mackey: Sit down, boys. Now, let's see. What did Mr. Garrison send you in here for?
[Reading the letter]
Mr. Mackey: "The boys were being rude while a choir teacher was giving some stupid presentation..."
Stan Marsh: It's just some dumb activist kids' choir thing.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, young man, Getting Gay With Kids is not dumb, m'kay?


"South Park: Best Friends Forever (#9.4)" (2005)
[the crowds gather outside Hell's Pass Hospital protesting for the feeding tube to be reinserted into Kenny in his persistent vegetative state]
Stan: [shouts] Don't kill Kenny!
Crowd: [shouts] You bastards!
Stan: [shouts] Don't kill Kenny!
Crowd: [shouts] You bastards!
Uriel: [drifting through the crowd] No! No, they're not killing him, they're letting him die!
Skeeter: [shouts] You bureaucrats have no right to play God and take that tube out!
Gabriel: [explaining] No, no, you see, they were playing God when they put the feeding tube *in*!

[the boys arrive at Hell's Pass Hospital and find Kenny in a persistent vegetative state]
Stan: [surprised] Kenny?
Kyle: [jubilant] Kenny! You're alive!
Stan: Dude, how'd you do that?
[pause]
Doctor: He can't respond to you, boys. Being dead for that long caused a severe damage to his brain.
Cartman: Well... well, then he's not alive.
Mrs. McCormick: He's alive. He smiles when I talk to him, I think...
Cartman: That's not Kenny! Kenny sniffs paint and sets things on fire! Here, look.
[climbs onto Kenny's bed, holding up a dollar bill to Kenny]
Cartman: Kenny, Kenny, look. Want a dollar?
[long pause]
Mr. McCormick: I don't know if it's right to keep Kenny alive on that machine. I just... I don't know what he would want.
Stan: Yeah, the lawyer lost that page.
Cartman: Oh, I just remembered! Kenny told me this one time, that he wouldn't wanna be kept alive by a feeding tube.
Mrs. McCormick: He did? When?
Cartman: [figuring out] Um, it was, um, this one time...
Kyle: He did not say that! You just want him dead so you can have his stupid PSP!
Cartman: Stupid? PSP is stupid? Did you all hear that?... Uh, I mean... I mean, this isn't about the PSP, Kyle! This is about my friend and his wishes! And Kenny said he didn't want to live like this!
Kyle: He did not!
Cartman: Did so!
Kyle: Did not!
Cartman: [shouts] Fine! We'll see about this, you freakin' Jew! I'm gonna get that feeding tube removed if I have to go all the way to the Supreme Court!
[walks out the door]


"South Park: Red Man's Greed (#7.7)" (2003)
[last lines]
Alex Glick: Well, I guess we all learned that South Park is more than just a town. It's a community that nobody can split up.
Stan Marsh: Dude, who the hell are you?
Alex Glick: Alex. Alex Glick. I got to come on and do the guest voice thingy.
Kyle Broflovski: What? Get the hell out of here!
Alex Glick: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Joe!

Randy Marsh: It's important to never quit when you're on a winning streak.
Stan Marsh: Winning streak? You won one game!


"South Park: Cartoon Wars: Part 1 (#10.3)" (2006)
Randy Marsh: [after learning that "Family Guy" will air an episode featuring the prophet Mohammed] FAMILY GUY! I damn you to hell!

Randy Marsh: We stay here through the night, and wait it out to see if they do anything. If we're still alive in the morning, then we'll know we're not dead.


"South Park: Ass Burgers (#15.8)" (2011)
Morpheus: [to Stan] You've broken through their reality and they don't like it! Others deserve to know the truth! You see everything as shit, don't you? Where other people see fun movies and hear cool music, all you see and hear is shit! Am I right?
Stan Marsh: Yeah.

Stan Marsh: I don't want everything to go back to the it was! You were right, Kyle. Sometimes the only way to go forward is to take a big left turn. I've been resisting it, but I'm ready now. I want you to stay at Cartman Burger, dude. You're going to do this and I'm going to do my thing and... my mom and dad aren't getting back together. But you know what? It's okay. In fact it's better. Where will Cartman Burger go from here? That'll be cool to see! And it opens me up to a whole new adventure, exploring... new relationships with new people in town. Maybe this kid will be my new best friend. Or maybe this kid will.


"South Park: Gnomes (#2.17)" (1998)
Kyle Broflovski: [One of the Underpants Gnomes stays behind and is stared at]
[Whispering]
Kyle Broflovski: Shh! Don't scare him!
Stan Marsh: Hey, there... little guy!
Eric Cartman: Bad!
[Hits the Gnome with a stick]
Kyle Broflovski: Cartman!
Eric Cartman: What?
Kyle Broflovski: Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick?
Eric Cartman: Well look at him... he's all... well... you know... look at him.
[Hits it again]
Underpants Gnome: Is that all you got, Pussy?
Eric Cartman: What?
Stan Marsh: Hey! He talked!
Eric Cartman: Yeah! He just called me a pussy! I'm not a pussy! You're a pussy!
Underpants Gnome: You're a pussy, Pussy!
Eric Cartman: AY!
Stan Marsh: Dude, why are you taking Tweek's underpants?
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, look what you're doing to this poor kid!
Stan Marsh: AUGH!
Underpants Gnome: Stealing underpants BIG BUISNESS!
Stan Marsh: Buisness? Wait! Do you know anything about buisness?
Underpants Gnome: Sure! That's what gnomes do!
Kyle Broflovski: Show us!
Underpants Gnome: Okay! Follow Me!
[They follow him]
Eric Cartman: [Muttering] Little Pussy Gnome! Don't call me a pussy! Pussy Gnome!

Stan Marsh: You shouldn't give your son so much coffee, it's really messing him up.
Mrs. Tweek: What do you mean?
Stan Marsh: Well, look at him. He's all shaky and nervous.
Mrs. Tweek: Oh, that's just because he has ADD.


"South Park: Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls (#2.9)" (1998)
Cartman: Screw you guys, I'm going home.
[everyone realizes there isn't enough room to move]
Stan: Well?
Cartman: I'm gonna, just give me a minute.

Mr. Twig: As you may or may not know, the first annual South Park Film Festival begins today.
Kyle Broflovski: They're going to show that stupid ass Godzilla movie, are they?
Mr. Garrison: No Kyle, these are independent films.
Stan: What, like Independence Day? That movie sucked ass too.
Cartman: No dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.


"South Park: Death (#1.6)" (1997)
Grandpa: You can kill me, can't you?
Eric Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Not unless they pissed me off.
Grandpa: Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell you something porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch.
Eric Cartman: What?
Grandpa: That's right.
Stan: Grandpa.
Grandpa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton and had my way with her too.
Eric Cartman: Eh.
Grandpa: Choice piece of ass your great-grandma.
Eric Cartman: You piece of crap. I'll kill you.
Grandpa: That's the spirit, tubby.

Stan: Mom, can I watch TV in the living room?
Mrs. Marsh: Ok, but be sure to take Grandpa with you.
Stan: God damn it!
Mrs. Marsh: LANGUAGE!


"South Park: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig (#1.5)" (1997)
Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, "Hey. Why don't you stop... dressing me up like a mailman... a-and making me dance for you... while you go and... smoke crack in your bedroom... and have sex with... some guy... I don't even know. On my dad's bed."
[Long pause]
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

Stan: Shut up, you fat, sweaty mongoloid. You never get higher than a D.


"South Park: The Death Camp of Tolerance (#6.14)" (2002)
Mr. Garrison: I'm not saying the rest of the school year will be easy. In fact, it's going to be long and hard.
[does motions for both words - the palms facomg each other and pulling apart, then two fists]
Mr. Garrison: Really long and really hard.
[emphasizes the motions]
Mr. Slave: Oh Jesus Christ.
Mr. Garrison: Ehewww, the first thing we're gonna be learning about is communist Russia.
[Starts writing Stalin on the board]
Eric Cartman: [Making a paper airplane] No, Kenny. What are you doing, Kenny?
Mr. Garrison: Now, Stalin was a big silly when it came to...
Eric Cartman: Kenny, no! Don't do it, Kenny!
[fires the plane off. It hits the board and falls away]
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?
Eric Cartman: No, it was Kenny!
Mr. Garrison: Very funny, Eric! Kenny's dead!
Stan Marsh: Yeah, but Cartman drank Kenny's remains, and now Kenny's soul is trapped in Cartman's body.
The Class: Yeah!
Mr. Garrison: That does it! I will not put up with foolishness in my class! It's time for punishmenmt!
[reaches into his desk and pulls out a paddle, then strikes it against his left palm twice. He walks over to Mr. Slave and has him bend over]
Mr. Garrison: Take it Mr. Slave!
[swats him three times on the ass]

Randy Marsh: [In the Hall of Stereoypes] Here, Stan, here's another stereotype- the lazy Mexican. Now, we know that not all Mexicans are lazy, and-
[Mr. Venezuela, the janitor, wakes up]
Randy Marsh: Huh?
Mr. Venezuela: Yo, man, where am I?
Randy Marsh: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a wax statue.
Mr. Venezuela: Naw, man, I'm the janitor, but I'm just so tired and sleepy.
Randy Marsh: Oh, I see.


"South Park: Here Comes the Neighborhood (#5.12)" (2001)
Skeeter: That was it. We just saw the last of them speeding away in a van!
[all the men yell, "All right!"]
Gerald Brofloski: They were so scared, I'm sure they'll never be back!
Mr. Garrison: That's great! And now we can sell all their homes, and become... millionaires!
[all the men stop and ask, "What?"]
Jimbo: But then you had us do all that for nothin'. Don't you see - if you get rich sellin' these homes, then there will still be rich people in South Park.
Randy Marsh: Yeah. You'd become what you hate.
[Mr. Garrison pauses]
Mr. Garrison: Well yeah, but at least I got rid of all those damn ni-
[credits roll]

Mr. Garrison: Now we can sell all their homes and become millionaires.
Jimbo: But then you had us do all that for nothing. Don't you see, if you get rich selling these homes then there will still be rich people in South Park.
Randy Marsh: Yeah, you'd become what you hate.
Mr. Garrison: Well yeah, but at least I got rid of all those damn ni...
[credits roll]


"South Park: Kenny Dies (#5.13)" (2001)
Stan: Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my friend. Why can't God take someone else's friend?
Chef: [Soothing piano music is played] Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?
Stan: But then, why does God give us anything to start with?
Chef: Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothin' to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and help just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.

Cartman: Guess what I have sitting in my backyard?
Kyle: A trampoline?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: A boat?
Cartman: Better.
Kenny: [muffled] A fucking machine?
Cartman: Better.


"South Park: Asspen (#6.2)" (2002)
Butters Stotch: You're not really going to go down that K-13 run, are you Stan?
Stan Marsh: Dude, I have to.
Kyle Broflovski: Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you. Screw him, dude.
Stan Marsh: Dude, he's got Heather!
Kyle Broflovski: ...you don't even know Heather!
Stan Marsh: I know, I know, I... look, I can't explain it, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die... I mean, how bad can the K-13 be?
Trucker: [Entering] Da K-13? You don't wanna go down dat run. Dat run's gotta a history. 35 people have died going down it. Some say you can still see their ghosts up der. It was on dat very ski run that a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once de burial grounds to a tribe of vampire Wachitaw Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes. Yah... a lot of history on dat ski run.
Stan Marsh: ...thank you.
Trucker: Yah.
[Exits]

Kyle Broflovski: Mom! Dad!
Stan Marsh: Where the hell have you guys been?
Stephen Stotch: We got a little held up a the time-share sales office.
Randy Marsh: Yeah, but the good news is we finally came to our senses and bought some shares in a condo. So we all get to come to Aspen for two weeks every year!
Stephen Stotch: [after a disappointed "awww" from the boys] Well, what's the matter? Didn't you boys like skiing?
Stan Marsh: NO! We can't keep track of when you "pizza" and when you "French fries" and when the hot-shot ass-hole skier takes your girl if you are supposed to race him the first time or train first and beat him on the really difficult mountain so you can save the dorky but hot girl's youth center... skiing sucks!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, what a stupid sport!


"South Park: Cherokee Hair Tampons (#4.6)" (2000)
Stan: All right. Will you donate one of your kidneys to Kyle?
Cartman: [singing] No no no no no, no no no no no...
Stan: You only need one, fat boy!
Cartman: ...no no no no no no no no no no no...
Stan: Dude, one of your friends is gonna die. Don't you see how serious this is?
Cartman: HEY! THAT SON OF A BITCH!
[door bangs open]
Cartman: Okay, asshole, give me back my kidney!
Stan: Dude, please, Kyle needs it!
Cartman: It's mine! Not yours, mine! Give it back right now or there's gonna be hell to pay!

Stan: What would I do if Kyle died, Kenny? I'd never see him again!
[cries]
Kenny: That does it! I'm sick and tired of this bullshit. Screw you guys, I'm going home!
[a piano falls, crushing him]


"South Park: Scott Tenorman Must Die (#5.4)" (2001)
Cartman: [inspecting Scott Tenorman's chili dish] Huh, this chili looks pretty good. Weh, here's mine.
[hands his chili dish to Scott, who starts eating it]
Scott Tenorman: Mmm. Ah, I don't know. Your chili is pretty good, Cartman, but I think mine is better. Try it.
Cartman: All right.
[takes the dish and starts eating. Both boys munch away for a few moments]
Cartman: Hey, this is great!
[Stan and Kyle stifle giggles]
Scott Tenorman: Eh, it's a special recipe.
Cartman: Gawh, this is really good, Scott!
Scott Tenorman: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have something to tell you.
Cartman: What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili?
Scott Tenorman: What?
Cartman: Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's.
[turns to Chef]
Cartman: It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap.
[Stan and Kyle are stunned]
Cartman: I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your weiner. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. I also knew that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your weiner bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents.
Mr. Denkins: Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I, I have my rights!
Scott Tenorman: My... mom and dad are... dead?
Cartman: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies. After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could tell you personally about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? I call it, "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."
Scott Tenorman: [looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what just happened] Oh, my God!
[gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger. He tosses it away]
Scott Tenorman: Oh, my God!
[vomits off to the side]
Cartman: [leaps up on the table and sings] Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah!
Stan: Jesus Christ, dude!
Scott Tenorman: [grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My mom and dad are dead!
[he pounds the table]
Scott Tenorman: No! Nooo!

[as Scott Tenorman cries after realizing he ate his parents in a bowl of chili, Radiohead arrive at the scene]
Thom Yorke: Uhm, excuse me?
Stan: Who are you?
Jonny Greenwood: We're that band Radiohead.
Scott Tenorman: [raises his head] Jesus!
Ed O'Brien: Jeez, what a li'l crybaby!
Colin Greenwood: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby?
Thom Yorke: You know, everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.
Ed O'Brien: Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool.
Thom Yorke: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.
Phil Selway: Little crybaby!
[Radiohead leave the scene]
Scott Tenorman: No, wait! Waaiittt! Oh, my God, Oh, my Gaawwwd!
[buries his face on the table]
Cartman: [walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Yesss! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott!
[starts licking Scott's tears off his face]
Cartman: Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet!
Kyle: Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.
Stan: Good call.
Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-yummy!
[licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face]
Cartman: Mm-yummy, you guys!
[screen closes to Looney Tunes-style splash]
Cartman: Yuppitibut, that's all, folks!


"South Park: I'm a Little Bit Country (#7.4)" (2003)
[last lines]
Stan: What the hell are they doing now?
Kyle: I... I don't know.
Townspeople: [singing] For the war against the war who cares 100 episodes!
Kyle: I hate this town, I really really do.

Reporter: [coming up to them ] Boys, why did you walk out of school today?
Stan: Uhhh... war.
Reporter: Yes, and what about the war?
Kyle: Uhh... it's gay?
Reporter: Yes, and what about it is most gay?
Stan: [Reading off his sign] Uhh... no blood for oil.
Kyle: [Reading his sign] War is not my voice.
Cartman: [reading a sign that says "Bush is a Nazi"] Bush is a Nay-zee.


"South Park: Margaritaville (#13.3)" (2009)
Bank Clerk: How can I help you, young man?
Stan Marsh: I got a hundred-dollar check from my grandma and my dad said I need to put it in the bank so it can grow over the years.
Bank Clerk: Well that's fantastic. A really smart decision, young man. We can put that check in a money market mutual fund, then we'll re-invest the earnings into foreign currency accounts with compounding interest aaaand it's gone.
[Blank stares and silence as it goes from the Bank Clerk, to Stan, to the Bank Clerk, to Stan]
Stan Marsh: Uh... what?
Bank Clerk: It's gone, it's all gone.
Stan Marsh: What's all gone?
Bank Clerk: The money in your account. It didn't do too well, it's gone.
Stan Marsh: What do you mean? I-I have a hundred dollars!
Bank Clerk: Not any more, you don't.
[Gestures]
Bank Clerk: Poof!
Stan Marsh: Well what can I do to get back my...
Bank Clerk: [Interrupts] I'm sorry, sir, but this line is for bank members only.
Stan Marsh: I just opened an account!
Bank Clerk: Do you have any money invested with this bank?
Stan Marsh: No, you just lost it all!
Bank Clerk: Then please stand aside for people who actually have money with us. Next please!
Stan Marsh: [Getting pushed out of the way] Hey!
Bank Clerk: Hello Mrs. Farnickel. How are you, today? Making a deposit, are we? Greeeat. We can just put that into your retirement account and make it go to work for you aaaaand it's gone.
Mrs. Farnickel: Whaaat?
Bank Clerk: Sorry, yeah, it's gone. Please step aside for people who actually have money with the bank. Next please!
Stan Marsh: Dad!
Randy Marsh: Hey, I'm trying to teach my son the importance of savings. You already lost his money?
Bank Clerk: Oh, Mr. Marsh! D-d-don't worry. We can just transfer money from *your* account into a portfolio with your savings... AAAAAND IT'S GONE! This line's for people who have money with the bank, only, please step aside!
[Randy and Stan stare dumbfounded]

Sharon Marsh: All right, everyone, eat up.
Randy Marsh: Aw, Jesus Christ! Sliced hot dogs and tomato slices?
Sharon Marsh: You said we had to be careful with our money! I've got nothing for our food budget!
Stan Marsh: Mom, dad? How come there's suddenly no money?
Randy Marsh: I'll tell you what happened, son. See, there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had. They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need. People with no money, who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying...
[Walks over to margarita machine and starts filling it with ice cubes]
Randy Marsh: ...and these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing 'cause they thought money was endless...
[Margarita machine muffles Randy's voice as he continues to talk]
Randy Marsh: [Pans back to a blank stare from Stan as the margarita machine continues to blend over Randy's voice, then back to Randy as he puts the machine on high]
Randy Marsh: ...even less money coming in. And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending, they were mocking the economy! And they made the economy very angry. We're all feeling the economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money. Do you understand, son?
Randy Marsh: Yeah, I think I get it.


"South Park: Clubhouses (#2.12)" (1998)
Bebe Stevens: Stan, truth or dare?
Stan Marsh: Dare.
Bebe Stevens: [Wendy and Bebe whisper to each other] Take this stick, and jam it up your pee-hole!
Stan Marsh: What?
Wendy Testaberger: Wow, that sucks. Do you think it'll hurt?

Mr. Garrison: Stan, are you paying attention?
Stan: Yes, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Well then, Stanley, what did I just say?
Stan: [pause] Um, you said that even though Charo appeared 12 times on the Love Boat, the episode with Captain and Tennille got higher ratings.
Mr. Garrison: Well, okay, I suppose you were paying attention.
Kyle: [whispers] Good guess dude.
Stan: [whispers] Phew.


"South Park: Smug Alert! (#10.2)" (2006)
Stan: You know Cartman you may be stoked now, but I bet you're gonna find that without Kyle around to rip on your life is empty and hollow.
Eric Cartman: Whatever, dude! I don't need Kyle to rip on. I've got Butters!
[walking out]
Eric Cartman: Come on, Butters, you stupid Jew!
Butters: Yeah! I'm a dumb Jew!

Stan: Kyle, what's going on?
Kyle Broflovski: My dad says he can't live here anymore.
Stan: Mr. Broflovski, please! Kyle's my best friend!
Gerald Broflovski: I'm sorry, Stan, but unfortunately you live in a small-minded town filled with ignorant boobs.


"South Park: It's Christmas in Canada (#7.15)" (2003)
[last lines]
Stan: [at the end of the Christmas episode, on a parade in Canada] Oh, well, maybe we'll have a special Christmas adventure next year...

Stan: We better not miss out on some great Christmas adventure.
Kyle: We'll be back in time for a Christmas adventure.


South Park (1998) (VG)
Stan Marsh: Okay, it's my turn to kick their asses!

Stan Marsh: [at the multiplayer win screen] Ha ha ha. You all suck ass!


"South Park: Super Best Friends (#5.3)" (2001)
Kyle Broflovski: Thanks for saving me. Stan. You're *my* Super Best Friend.
Stan Marsh: You're *my* Super Best Friend too, Kyle.
Eric Cartman: Oh, that's so sweet, you guys! You wanna go get a room so you can make out for a while? Heheheh.
[Kyle and Stan take turns kicking Cartman in the nuts]

Stan: You're my super best friend, Kyle.
Kyle: You're my super best friend, Stan.
Cartman: Oh, that's so sweet you guys. You two want to get a room so you can make out for a while?
[both Stan and Kyle take turns kicking Cartman]


"South Park: You're Getting Old (#15.7)" (2011)
Doctor: I'm gonna try something else. Look at these two pictures. One of them is a new ad for Kevin James' new movie The Zookeeper, and the other is a turd in a microwave. Which one is thee ad for The Zookeeper?
[holding up two pictures, both of a turd in a microwave]
Stan Marsh: They both look the same.
Doctor: You don't see any difference in the pictures?
Stan Marsh: No.
Doctor: That is an ad for The Zookeeper
[lifting his right hand up]
Doctor: and that is a turd about to be re-heated.
[lifting the picture in his left hand]
Stan Marsh: They both look like turds about to be re-heated to me.
Doctor: Oh dear. I think I know what this is. You see Stan, as you get older, things that you used to like start looking and sounding like shit, and things that seemed shitty as a child, don't seem shitty. With you somehow the wires have gotten crossed and everything looks and sounds like shit to you. It's a condition called: Being a cynical asshole.

Trailer Voice Over: [trailer playing the theater as the kids watch] Jim Carey has a bunch of turds in his apartment.
[Carey farts]
Stan Marsh: Agh!
Eric Cartman: Stan, knock it off!
Stan Marsh: But it's just crap!
Kyle Broflovski: No, they're penguins! Stop it!
Trailer Voice Over: It's Jim Carey in: What ever, you'll pay to go see it. Fuck you! July twelth.


"South Park: World Wide Recorder Concert (#3.17)" (2000)
Kyle Broflovski: Well, that whole experience sure did suck.
Stan Marsh: Yeah, but you know? I learned something today. We were so worried about how cool we looked to those New Yorker kids that we forgot we are already totally cool, even if we don't what queef means.
Mr. Mackey: [Walking by] Queef is a vaginal explosion of gas, mmmkay.

Eric Cartman: You guys! We found it! We found it, you guys!
Kyle Broflovski: Calm down, Cartman.
Stan Marsh: You found what?
Eric Cartman: The brown noise! Kenny and me found the brown noise! Here, look -
[puts soundproof headphones on everyone but Kenny]
Eric Cartman: Ready Kenny?
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Ready!
Eric Cartman: [plays the brown noise on his recorder]
Kenny McCormick: [farting noise. yelps, covers his butt, and runs off]
Stan Marsh: No way...


"South Park: Quintuplets 2000 (#4.4)" (2000)
Grandpa Marvin Marsh: We gotta get the Frenchy-poo fag-nasties outta you.

Grandpa Marvin Marsh: They turned'em into poofters.


"South Park: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride (#1.4)" (1997)
Stan Marsh: What's a homosexual?
Mr. Herbert Garrison: Well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down. Stanley, gay people, well, gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

[Stan's report on "Asian Culture."]
Stan: Asian culture has plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it.


"South Park: Spookyfish (#2.15)" (1998)
Stan: [Cartman walks in with a beard while Kenny is carving a squash with a huge butcher knife and Stan and Kyle are watching Kenny] Oh, God, he's got that stupid beard on again!
Cartman: [sits next to Kenny] No, Kenny, point the blade the other way otherwise you might cut yourself. There you go... Isn't this fun you guys, carvin' pumpkins on Halloween?
Cartman: [singing] You guys are my best friends / Through thick and thin / We've always been together / We're four of a kind / Havin' fun all day / Palin' around and laughin' away / We're best friends / Best friends are weeee!
Cartman: [Kenny, Stan, and Kyle are all staring at Cartman] I love you, guys.

Eric Cartman: You guys are hella stupid.
Stan: Why do you keep saying 'hella", Cartman?
Eric Cartman: 'Cuz I'm hella cool, that's why.


"South Park: The Losing Edge (#9.5)" (2005)
[repeated line]
Randy Marsh: [takes off shirt] What do you wanna do, huh? What do you wanna do?

[repeated line]
Randy Marsh: [getting put in a car by the cops after fighting at Stan's Baseball Game] I thought this was America!


"South Park: The Simpsons Already Did It (#6.7)" (2002)
Stan Marsh: [Explaining their situation to Chef] We killed our teacher and they found our sea men in her stomach!
Chef: Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up.
Chef: [singing]
Chef: Sometimes you kill your teacher, and they find your semen in her stomach, and...
Chef: [stops singing]
Chef: Wait! What the - WHAT?

Kyle: Wow, that's a lot of semen Cartman.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is; the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck it out of a hose.


"South Park: Sexual Healing (#14.1)" (2010)
Stan Marsh: What if this isn't even a disease?
Rehab Group Leader: [dials a number on his cellphone] We have a Turd in the Punchbowl.


South Park: The Stick of Truth (2014) (VG)
Randy Marsh: It was very brave, what you did in that man's butthole.


"South Park: Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000 (#4.2)" (2000)
Kyle Broflovski: Hey, fat-ass, how's prison?
Eric Cartman: Well it sucks balls, what do you think?
Stan Marsh: Cartman, why the hell did you have to commit a hate-crime? We're gonna lose to girls because of you!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, so you've gotta bust out of here.
[whispering]
Kyle Broflovski: So we've baked you this cake. There's an ail-nay ile-fay inside of it.
Eric Cartman: A what?
Kyle Broflovski: An ail-nay ile-fay.
Eric Cartman: What's that?
Kyle Broflovski: Listen, agot-fay! An ail-nay ile-fay so you can et-gay out of ison-pray!
Stan Marsh: Yeah, you stupid um-ass-day!
Eric Cartman: I would love to eat a cake, you guys, but they don't let us take anything back to the cells from here.
Kyle Broflovski: They ont-day? Why the ell-hay ot-nay? It ook-tay our-fay ours-hay to ake-bay this od-damn-gay ake-cay and now they otally-tay ew-scray!
Stan Marsh: [confused] ... yeah.


"South Park: Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants (#5.9)" (2001)
Kyle Broflovski: [the boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers] Uh... greetings, from, Canada. Well, Boys, it's "aboot" time we get back to our "hoose" in Canada, isn't it?
Eric Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddam Canadian and neither are you!
Stan Marsh: Cartman, you stupid asshole.


"South Park: Good Times with Weapons (#8.1)" (2004)
[the townsfolk consult with Mayor McDaniels about the incident at the auction]
Man #1: Well, like the rest of you, I am shocked and appalled at what happened! I don't know if the parents are to blame or if it's the times we're living in, but something has to change!
Townsfolk: [amid chatter] Yeah! I agree!
Gerald Brofloski: This is the worst thing that's happened in this town! The worst thing!
Man #2: Yeah! I mean, there were children watching that auction! And when that little eight-year-old-boy walked up and flashed his... penis... it was an outrage!
[the adults go into an uproar again]
Stan: What?
Cartman: What?
Skeeter: Not only that, the auction was televised on public access, so my little daughter watchin' at home saw the... penis! How am I supposed to explain that to her?
Sheila Broflovski: This is what happens when the moral fabric of society breaks down!
[the adults go into an uproar again]
Mr. Garrison: [shouts] You see the damage you've caused, Eric Cartman? What were you thinking?
Cartman: I told you it was a wardrobe malfunction!
[the adults go into an uproar again]
Kyle: Dude, they don't care we knocked Butters' eye out with weapons?
Stan: Just run with it, dude.
Kyle: [looks around, then stands on his chair] Uh, yeah! I agree! Uh, my fragile little eight-year-old mind didn't know how to deal with what I was seeing. Cartman should be punished!
[the adults agree, then go into an uproar again]
Cartman: Hey, fuck you, Kyle!


"South Park: Jared Has Aides (#6.1)" (2002)
Cartman: Oh, my God - you guys: I think I'm having a genius moment. Yes! Yes! It's coming to me now!
[rubbing his belly with both hands]
Stan Marsh: Is that - that's diarrhea.


"South Park: Cartman Joins NAMBLA (#4.5)" (2000)
[Mr. Eduardo defends himself, and the members of NAMBLA]
Kyle: Dude, you have *sex* with *children*.
Stan: Yeah, you know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
Kyle: Seriously.


"South Park: Quest for Ratings (#8.11)" (2004)
Stan Marsh: You guys, we watched Craig show all night long.
Token Williams: Yeah, it was great.
Stan Marsh: Yeah, but don't you see? We didn't think it was great before. I think I understand now. I think I know why Craig show gets such great ratings: half the school is high on cough medicines.


"South Park: Cash for Gold (#16.2)" (2012)
[Stan calls a jewelry shopping channel]
Stan Marsh: Yeah hi. Erm, you should kill yourself.
Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: What's that?
Stan Marsh: I said, "you should kill yourself." What you do is, sort of, unjustifiable. And you know it's unjustifiable. And you don't care. You're the definition of evil. Kill yourself.
Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: Okay, we're gonna sell this ring for just 37,95. How's that?
Stan Marsh: I just read that the day shopping networks make most of their money is on the day seniors pick up social security checks. Kill yourself.
Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: All right, well, you shouldn't say things like that, 'cause some host of a jewelry channel sure might up and do it. Then you'd feel really bad.
Stan Marsh: No, I wouldn't.
Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: Yes, you would.
Stan Marsh: No, because I really want you to kill yourself.
Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: All right, well how about this? If a jewelry network host goes home tonight and blows his brains out, you might be liable. That's a lawsuit worth 2.7 million dollars. How's that sound?
Stan Marsh: I don't care what happens to me. I care about my grandfather, you morally empty, corrupted maggot.
[silence]
Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: All right, I'll tell you what. I'll bring the lawsuit down to 29, 39...
Stan Marsh: No, no, it doesn't matter what price you put on anything. Your only chance to right the wrongs you've done and repay all the elderly people whose lives you've destroyed, is to kill yourself.
[silence]
Dean - Jewelry Channel Host: [clears his throat] Well, you think it's funny, but that's, that's calling up and telling someone to kill themselves. That's not a joke.
Stan Marsh: I'm not joking.
[pause]
Stan Marsh: Do it.


"South Park: Cartman Sucks (#11.2)" (2007)
Eric Cartman: And then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! Hahahahahaha!
Kyle Broflovski: Dude!
Eric Cartman: I know, I know. Check it out. Look. I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh, man I got him good.
Stan Marsh: Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in your mouth "getting him"?
Eric Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now!
Kyle Broflovski: No, dude, that makes you gay.
Eric Cartman: ...What?
Kyle Broflovski: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!
Eric Cartman: Nuh-uh!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah-huh!


"South Park: Cripple Fight (#5.2)" (2001)
Stan: And we learned how to make banana nut muffins for our bake sale!
Cartman: Mmm. Banana nut muffins.
Stan: No, Cartman. They're for the people, thilly goose.
Randy Marsh: Stan! What did you just call Cartman!
Stan: A thilly goose.
Randy Marsh: Son! You call your friend an asshole like a normal boy!


"South Park: Fun with Veal (#6.4)" (2002)
Stan Marsh: Will you help us?
Eric Cartman: Yes. Yes, I will... If Kyle will kiss my black ass.
Kyle Broflovski: What?
Eric Cartman: Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.
Kyle Broflovski: Screw you, Cartman!
Eric Cartman: Okay, but if you want my help, you have to give it just a little kiss. Kiss it.
Stan Marsh: Go on, dude, it's the only way.
Kyle Broflovski: No!
Eric Cartman: Kiss it. Come on, kiss it!
Stan Marsh: Just do it really fast and we can go.
Kyle Broflovski: Have Butters kiss it.
Eric Cartman: No, it has to be Kyle.
[Kyle goes close to Eric's behind, Eric farts in his face]
Kyle Broflovski: Ohh!
Eric Cartman: Aaahahahahaha! Oh man, that was so awesome!
Kyle Broflovski: Sick, I felt it on my face!
Stan Marsh: Okay, very funny, Cartman. Now, come on.
Eric Cartman: Hey, I'm not going with you.


"South Park: #REHASH (#18.9)" (2014)
Stan Marsh: Why'd you have to rub your clit on stage, dad?


"South Park: HUMANCENTiPAD (#15.1)" (2011)
Stan Marsh: We're trying to find out exactly what Kyle agreed to.
Gerald Broflovski: There can't be anything in that agreement that allows a company to do what they're talking about to Kyle.


"South Park: Trapper Keeper (#4.12)" (2000)
[last lines]
Stan: Whoa, wait a minute! Kyle saved your life. I think you at least owe him a thank-you!
Cartman: [sighs] Okay. Kyle...
[credits roll]


"South Park: Canada on Strike (#12.4)" (2008)
Kyle Broflovski: You know, I learned something today.
[quickly]
Kyle Broflovski: We thought we could make money on the Internet. But while the Internet is new and exciting for creative people, it hasn't matured as a distribution mechanism to the extent that one should trade real and immediate opportunities for income for the promise of future online revenue. It will be a few years before digital distribution of media on the Internet can be monetized to an extent that necessitates content producers to forgo their fair value in more traditional media.
Stan Marsh: [pause] Yeah.


"South Park: Butt Out (#7.13)" (2003)
[last lines]
Stan Marsh: Well, I guess we learned our lesson.
Kyle Broflovski: No we didn't, dude! No we didn't!


"South Park: Casa Bonita (#7.11)" (2003)
Stan Marsh: Dude it's Kyle's Birthday. We should do whatever he wants to do.
Cartman: What? Fuck Kyle!


"South Park: Freak Strike (#6.3)" (2002)
Stan: Hi Kenny.
Butters: I told you my name isn't Kenny. It's Butters.
Stan: Hi new Kenny.


"South Park: Go God Go (#10.12)" (2006)
[Richard Dawkins continues teaching evolution, with Ms. Garrison looking quite enamored]
Richard Dawkins: You must understand, children, that we are dealing with very large numbers here.
Ms. Garrison: [thinks] That's my man.
Richard Dawkins: So, evolution doesn't even happen by chance. It is, in fact, bound to happen.
Ms. Garrison: That's right, kids. And so you see, there is no God.
Richard Dawkins: Careful, darling. The school board doesn't like it when we...
Stan: Well, there could still be a God.
Ms. Garrison: [surprised] What?
Stan: Couldn't evolution be the answer to how and not the answer to why?
Ms. Garrison: [brings out a triangle and starts ringing it] Uh oh, retard alert! Retard alert, class!
[she leaves her desk and walks up to Stan's]
Ms. Garrison: Do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster too, bubblehead?
Stan: I wasn't talking about spaghetti.
[Ms. Garrison picks him up, desk and all, and carries him to the front of the class]
Ms. Garrison: Come on, you! You're gonna have to sit in the dunce chair!
[sets him down next to the blackboard and crowns him with a dunce cap that says, "I have faith"]


"South Park: ManBearPig (#10.6)" (2006)
Stan Marsh: [to Al Gore] Stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends! But now I see WHY you don't have any friends! You just used ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a LOSER!
Al Gore: [undaunted] Yeah right. The man who singlehandedly killed ManBearPig is a loser.


"South Park: Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods (#2.11)" (1998)
Kenny: [haiku] Mmmf mmmf mmf mff mmf / Mmf mmmf mmf mff mmf mmmf mmf / Mmmf mff mff mmf mmf
[class laughs]
Stan: What's a discharge?


"South Park: Toilet Paper (#7.3)" (2003)
Grocery Store Employee: Hey boys. Okay, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper. So what are you up to tonight?
Cartman: Oh, probably watch a movie, maybe play a couple of board games.
Grocery Store Employee: Nice night at home, huh? Toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, chewing gum. Hey, you kids be careful with this chewing gum. Don't go sticking it under any tables.
Stan Marsh: Okay.
Grocery Store Employee: Okay, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper. Hey, I remember you coming in here last week buying this much toilet paper.
Cartman: Oh yeah, that's right.
Kyle Broflovski: You TP'd another house last week?
Cartman: No, it was fajita night at my house.


"South Park: Red Sleigh Down (#6.17)" (2002)
[Jesus leads the boys on the way to the exit with Santa Claus, then stops at the foot of the stairway and turns around]
Jesus: [shouts] Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on the roof!
[an Iraqi soldier comes down the stairs behind him]
Kyle: [shouts] Jesus, behind you!
[Jesus looks at the boys, and gets shot in the back]
Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [slow motion, in shock] Jesus!
[in slow motion, Jesus wobbles a bit and falls to the floor]
Santa Claus: [in slow motion shock] No!
[he shoots the soldier dead, then runs up to Jesus and holds him in his arms as the motion returns to normal]
Santa Claus: Jesus! Jesus!
[Jesus stammers a bit, but nothing comes out of his mouth]
Santa Claus: No... don't worry, Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.
Jesus: [groaning] You're a... bad liar.
[the boys are speechless]
Jesus: [continues groaning] Yea. But we sure gave them one hell of a fight, huh?
Santa Claus: We sure did, Jesus.
Stan: [finding his voice] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Jesus: [groans] Santa?
Santa Claus: [quickly answers] I'm here, Jesus.
Jesus: [voice turns to a whisper] Don't... don't ever... let them take away... our... Christmas spirit.
[he dies, and his halo vanishes from sight]
Stan: Oh my God. The Iraqis killed Jesus.
Kyle: You bastards.


"South Park: Over Logging (#12.6)" (2008)
Sharon Marsh: Randy, off the internet.
Randy Marsh: [in childish voice] No! Come on, leave me alone!
Sharon Marsh: No, mister. It's time for night-night.
Randy Marsh: But Sharon, I got stuff to do! I got to see my credit rating, I got to send an e-mail to Nelson, check out Foley's vacation photos.
Sharon Marsh: You don't have to do all that now. You can do one more thing and then it's bedtime.
Randy Marsh: One more thing?
[clicks on a porn site and starts masturbating]


"South Park: The Red Badge of Gayness (#3.14)" (1999)
Stan: You can't just show up to a Civil War re-enactment dressed up like General Lee, fatass.
Cartman: Oh really? I'm pretty sure I just did.


"South Park: Chickenlover (#2.3)" (1998)
Stan Marsh: If we read will we become like that guy?
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah this is stupid, books aren't magical


"South Park: Cartman's Incredible Gift (#8.13)" (2004)
Stan Marsh: Hey, what about THIS guy?


"South Park: Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow (#5.5)" (2001)
Eric Cartman: Look, if you don't come and do the show, I'll make you eat your parents.
Phillip: Yeh, whatever kid.
Stan Marsh: He'll do it dude.


"South Park: You Have 0 Friends (#14.4)" (2010)
Randy Marsh: Stan, poke your grandma!


"South Park: How to Eat with Your Butt (#5.10)" (2001)
Stan Marsh: Dude, the ass face's son is Ben Affleck.


"South Park: Spontaneous Combustion (#3.2)" (1999)
[episode running gag]
Mayor: Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion, or else!
Randy Marsh: Or else what?
Mayor: Exactly!


"South Park: Chinpokomon (#3.11)" (1999)
Stan Marsh: [after watching the Alabama Man commercial] Gay!
Cartman: Totally gay!
Kyle: Liberace gay!
[the researcher write the word "GAY" on the clipboard and furiously underlines it twice]


"South Park: Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy (#10.10)" (2006)
[at South Park Elementary, Kyle approaches Stan and Kenny to talk with them about Ike's affair]
Kyle: Guys, can I talk to you?
Stan: Sure, dude.
Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?
[Cartman walks up to the kids as Hallway Monitor "The Dawg"]
Kyle: [continues] My little brother and his tea...
Cartman: Brahs, it's almost class time. I need you to start clearin' the hallways, alright?
Kyle: Not now, Cartman! I have really serious problems!
Stan: Dude, what's the matter?
Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
Stan: ...Wow.
Kenny: [muffled] Really?
Cartman: Damn, brah, your little brother's pretty cool.
Kyle: It's *not* cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand.
Cartman: What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some and then stick it inside her and pee.
Kyle: [looks long and hard] Stick it inside her and pee?
Cartman: Well, okay, fine. Unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and pee on her leg.


"South Park: Summer Sucks (#2.8)" (1998)
Stan Marsh: How are your swimming lessons going Cartman?
Eric Cartman: Fine.
Kyle Broflovski: I heard you won't even get in the deep end?
Eric Cartman: Well you heard wrong, hippie!


"South Park: City on the Edge of Forever (#2.7)" (1998)
Stan Marsh: You dumbass, Cartman! That's not how it happened!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, Kenny just died 8 hours ago. How could he have died back then too?
Eric Cartman: Oh yeah. I guess that doesn't make sense.


"South Park: Marjorine (#9.9)" (2005)
Cartman: What if I were to tell you, that the girls have a device which allows them to see into the future.
Stan: [skeptical] What?
Butters: How do you know?
Kyle: The girls do not have a device that shows them the future, Cartman, that is retarded.
Clyde Donovan: You sir have mocked Cartman before yet you too sit here demanding answers? Now damn you let him speak!
Cartman: [shocked] Thank you, Clyde.


"South Park: South Park Is Gay (#7.8)" (2003)
Mr. Garrison: Why won't anyone pound Mr Slave's butt?
Randy Marsh: Um, we don't pound butt, Mr Garrison, we're straight.
Mr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!
Jimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!


"South Park: Hooked on Monkey Fonics (#3.12)" (1999)
Stan: Oh, my God! Fonics monkey killed Kenny!
Cartman: You're damn right he did.


"South Park: Night of the Living Homeless (#11.7)" (2007)
Randy Marsh: [digs through a box of poptarts] No, no damnit!
[tosses the box off the roof]
Randy Marsh: That's it, that's it everyone we're out of poptarts!
Jimbo Kern: No we can't be!
Randy Marsh: Face it we're going to starve!
Linda Stotch: No, no wait there's still a box over here
[shows him the box]
Randy Marsh: Those are cherry, ick!


"South Park: Medicinal Fried Chicken (#14.3)" (2010)
Randy Marsh: The doctor made you a souvenir.
Sharon Marsh: Oh Randy, I love it!
Randy Marsh: And when it gets cold, it shrinks.
Woman #1: Sharon, you got a scrotum coat?
Sharon Marsh: Yep.
Woman #1: Lucky!


"South Park: Tsst (#10.7)" (2006)
[Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters are playing Monopoly at Stan's place when Cartman comes in]
Eric Cartman: [gloomy] Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news.
[sighs]
Eric Cartman: I ran away from home.
[the boys just keep on playing like nothing happened]
Eric Cartman: Yeah, my Mom just doesn't care for me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough living on my own. But I'll get by, somehow.
Stan Marsh: [without looking up from the Monopoly board] You can't stay here.
Eric Cartman: [angrily] Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep, I'm out on the streets!
Kyle Broflovski: [also not looking up] You're not staying at my house either.
Eric Cartman: All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore.
Eric Cartman: [angrily] Well, what do you guys expect me to do? Stay at Kenny's house? His family is totally poor, I'm not staying with poor people!
[silence]
Eric Cartman: All right, I'll stay with Kenny, let's go, man.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled and not looking up either] Fuck you.
Eric Cartman: Ha! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down, you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the streets somewhere, in the cold, probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys will be sorry when I turn up dead!
[leaves]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [moves his pawn] Whoopee! J & R Railroad!


"South Park: #HappyHolograms (#18.10)" (2014)
Randy Marsh: I love children just as much as you do.
Michael Jackson's Hologram: Allegedly! That was a civil suit and there was no evidence! It's ignorant.
[standing up and yelling, then sitting back down]


"South Park: Pre-School (#8.10)" (2004)
Stan Marsh: You see, Mom, all the kids at school were told to bring a picture of their moms' breasts for anatomy class.
Eric Cartman: [as Stan's mom] I don't know, son, that sounds awfully strange. You cannot have a picture of my hot breasts.
Stan Marsh: But Mom, my teacher will...
Eric Cartman: No, no, no, no. You got to go...
[in soft voice]
Eric Cartman: but mmoooom...
Stan Marsh: But... Mo...
Eric Cartman: But Mmoooom...!
Stan Marsh: This is hopeless.
Kyle Broflovski: Why don't you just sneak into your mom's closet and get a picture when she's changing clothes?
Stan Marsh: That's sick, dude, I'm not taking a picture of my mom's boobs.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] I'll do it!
Stan Marsh: No, you're not doing it either.


"South Park: Major Boobage (#12.3)" (2008)
[last lines]
Stan Marsh: You guys! Check it out! It's Kenny.
[Kenny sniffs a flower]
Stan Marsh: Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life.
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah.
[Kenny sniffs the flower again and sniffs another]
Kyle Broflovski: He's getting... really high on life.
[Kenny sniffs a bunch of flowers]
Eric Cartman: Dude, he's getting super-wasted on life!
Kyle Broflovski: Kenny!
[Kenny collapses after sniffing flowers]
Stan Marsh: What the hell kind of flowers are those?
Kyle Broflovski: Kenny! Kenny!


"South Park: Broadway Bro Down (#15.11)" (2011)
Randy Marsh: Shelley? Shelley! Shelley, come on. We have to go!
Shelly Marsh: Dad, what are you doing here?
Randy Marsh: Right now, Shelley! Shelley you are not watching this trash! Now, come on!
[Audience]: Would you mind? I'm trying to enjoy this musical with my grand daughter!
Randy Marsh: Oh you fucking pervert!


"South Park: Proper Condom Use (#5.7)" (2001)
[the boys erroneously think they need to wear condoms all the time in order not to get or spread diseases]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [removing a condom from its wrapper] Why, it's just a little donut!
[fumbles with it]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Oh, it's all gooey!
Eric Cartman: Just put it on, Butters!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: H-How come I gotta go first?
Eric Cartman: Butters, will you stop... filibustering!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Oh, a-all right, then.
[turns around, drops pants, and starts fumbling with the condom]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Aw, it's sticky.
Kyle Broflovski: [reading from the condom box] It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: I don't even understand how this thing...! Oh, wait, oh, I see.
[Cartman peaks]
Stan Marsh: Don't look at Butters' shlong, gaymo!
Eric Cartman: I wasn't looking at his shlong, I was seeing how to put the condom on!
Kyle Broflovski: [sarcastically] Sure!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: But it won't stay on. I-I need a rubber band or something.
Tweek: I-I've got rubber bands!
[hands them to Butters]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [fumbles with the rubber bands] Ow! Eh, ow! Okay, eh... ow! There! Okay, I think it's on!
Stan Marsh: How do you feel?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [pause] Pretty good!
Eric Cartman: Do you feel protected?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Yeah, I don't think nothing is getting to my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.
Stan Marsh: All right, here everybody, Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Hey, somebody's gotta help Timmy put his condom on.
Timmy: *Timmah*!


"South Park: Fat Butt and Pancake Head (#7.5)" (2003)
[Kyle has been getting annoyed about Cartman's Jennifer Lopez hand]
Kyle Broflovski: You're not actually buying this crap, are you?
Stan Marsh: I don't know, meh, maybe he can't help it.
Kyle Broflovski: Look, he knows full well what he's doing, and he's just waiting for us to buy into it, and then he'll laugh and point at our faces and say, "Haha, I got you guys to believe me!" "You guys are stupid!"
Stan Marsh: Dude, do you really he would go through all this just to make us feel dumb?
Kyle Broflovski: Yes, dude!


"South Park: Pandemic (#12.10)" (2008)
Craig: Was there ever a moment, when you had the genius idea of becoming a Peruvian flute band, that you thought, "Hey, ya know, this might backfire."?... No. That never occurs to you guys, 'cause you guys are jerks, and you never learn from your mistakes, and that's why everyone at school thinks you guys are assholes.
Kyle: That's not true! People at school like us! Don't they?
Stan: Yeah, Craig's just being a dick because we're going through a tough time right now.
Craig: I'm being a dick?
Stan: Yes!
Craig: You guys took my birthday money, got me arrested and sent to Miami with no way home except to take down the country of Peru, and *I'm being a dick?*
Cartman: There's no talking to this guy!