Mr. Garrison
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Quotes for
Mr. Garrison (Character)
from "South Park" (1997)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)
Mr. Garrison: ...I'm Sorry Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Cartman: [to Kyle] Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Cartman: Jew?
Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: Fuck!
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison: [angrily] How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
[the whole class gasps]
Mr. Garrison: [furiously] What did you say?
Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...
[Cartman picks up a megaphone]
Cartman: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?
[Mr. Garrison is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth]
Stan: Holy shit, dude.

Mr. Mackey: I guess I'll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see Terrence & Phillip.
Cartman: Everybody's fucking seen it.
Mrs. Cartman: Eric!
Cartman: I'm sorry I can't help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Mr. Garrison: I can't wait to take leave so I can get me some fucking poontang.

Mr. Garrison: What is five times two?
[No response from the class]
Mr. Garrison: Now come on children, don't be shy, just give it your best shot.
[Clive raises his hand]
Clive: Twelve.
Mr. Garrison: OK, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard.

Mr. Mackey: [singing] Step 4, don't say fuck anymore, 'cause fuck is the worst word that you can say.
Children: Fuck is the worst word that you can say. We shouldn't say fuck, no we shouldn't say fuck, fuck no!

Mr. Mackey: I want to know where you heard all this horrific obscenities, m'kay?
Kyle: Nowhere.
Stan: We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.
Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr Garrison ever said: "Eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker".

Cartman: Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?
Mr. Mackey: What?
Cartman: What's the big fucking deal, bitch?
Stan: Yeah!

Mr. Garrison: All the Baldwins are dead!

Mr. Mackey: [over loud speaker] Anyone wearing Terrance and Phillip shirts are to be sent home immediately!
Children: [pause] Hurray!

Mr. Garrison: Sorry kids, I just can't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Cartman: [Realizing he still has Mr. Hat] Why the hell am I still holding this thing for?
[Throws him away]
Mr. Garrison: [From off screen] Mr. Hat, no!


"South Park: D-Yikes! (#11.6)" (2007)
Ms. Garrison: Children I'm going to tell you something that you may find, well, a little strange.
[sighs]
Ms. Garrison: I'm gay.
Stan: [after a pause] Again?

Ms. Garrison: Scissor Me Timbers!

Ms. Garrison: Mayor, this is an outrage! We are being discriminated against as lesbians!
Mayor: [pause] You're a lesbian now?
Ms. Garrison: That's right, a proud lesbian.

Persian Messenger: Look, we don't have to offer you anything. I don't know why your being so difficult, this is crazy!
Ms. Garrison: No... this isn't crazy... THIS - IS - LESBOS!
[in slow motion kicks the Persian Messenger in the balls]
Narrator: And so it had begun, by kicking the Persian Messenger in the balls. The Lesbos had sent a message

Xerxes: Why are you lesbians being so difficult?
Ms. Garrison: Because we're protecting the only home we have.
Xerxes: I don't know why you have to be so super lame about this.

Ms. Garrison: Oh, you kicked me right in the pussy!

Ms. Garrison: Stop scissoring me with your eyes!

Ms. Garrison: Kid's I've got to tell you something that you might find shocking. I'm gay.
Stan: Again?

Ms. Garrison: Everyone sit down and SHUT THE FUCK UP!


"South Park: Go God Go (#10.12)" (2006)
[the kids in class, including a new girl, see Ms. Garrison arriving, not too happy to teach them evolution]
Ms. Garrison: All right, kids, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
Butters: Oh boy!
Ms. Garrison: Now I, for one, think evolution is a bunch of *bullcrap*! But I've been told I have to teach it to you anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this...
[she goes up to a large poster of evolution and begins pointing things out with her pointer]
Ms. Garrison: In the beginning, we were all fish. Okay? Swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So Retard Fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its...
[she waves her left hand limply]
Ms. Garrison: ...mutant fish hands... and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something and made this.
[she points to a prehistoric mammal rodent]
Ms. Garrison: Retard frog-sqirrel, and then *that* had a retard baby which was a... monkey-fish-frog... And then this monkey-fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey, and that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey... and that made you!
[she faces the class, with the new girl among them looking around]
Ms. Garrison: So there you go! You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations!
Cartman: [impatient for a Nintendo Wii, hops out of his chair and leaves the room, shouting] Haahhh! I can't take it anymore! Haaaaah!
Ms. Garrison: [thinking Cartman understands evolution] Yeah? You see? I *knew* that would happen.

[the angry Triscotti parents, with their disturbed daughter, are discussing about evolution in Principal Victoria's office with Ms. Garrison]
Mr. Triscotti: Principal Victoria, we are a devout Catholic family! Do you mind telling me why my daughter now thinks she's a retarded fish-frog?
Ms. Garrison: [angry] I told you this would happen, didn't I?
Principal Victoria: Mr. Triscotti, I wasn't aware that...
Mr. Triscotti: We have worked years to instill the teachings of Jesus Christ into our daughter, and in one fell swoop, you try to destroy everything we did!
Ms. Garrison: I hear ya!
Principal Victoria: Sir, if you don't wish your daughter to learn about evolution, then we can pull her out of class.
Mr. Triscotti: You most certainly will!
Girl: But Dad, I want to learn everything!
Mr. Triscotti: No you don't! Shut up!
[he and his wife take their daughter and leave the room]

[Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey are counseling Ms. Garrison to teach the kids evolution]
Ms. Garrison: [with her back to the principal's desk] Principal Victoria, it is wrong! It is wrong and I simply will not do it!
[she walks back to the desk]
Ms. Garrison: I care about my students, and I will not fill their heads with lies!
[she pounds on the desk for emphasis]
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] I am *not* teaching evolution in my class!
Principal Victoria: Mrs. Garrison, evolution is in the school curriculum. We have to teach it.
Ms. Garrison: Evolution is a theory! A hare-brained theory that says I'm a monkey! I am not a monkey! I'm a woman!
Mr. Mackey: M'kay. Y-you realize evolution has been pretty much, uh, proven.
Ms. Garrison: I warn you, Principal Victoria! Those students are not prepared to hear this stuff!
Principal Victoria: Our students want to learn, Mrs. Garrison, and they're mature enough to handle anything.

[Richard Dawkins, a substitute teacher, has the children take notes about evolution]
Richard Dawkins: [in a scholarly voice] Over billions of years life has evolved from simple one-celled organisms into all the complex life we see around us.
Ms. Garrison: Whatever.
Richard Dawkins: [glances over, then continues] It was changes in hereditary traits that allowed the first mammals to breathe in the air.
Ms. Garrison: [relating Dawkins' points to her own] Retarded fish-frogs.
Richard Dawkins: [a bit shocked] Ms. Garrison, I believe that's a gross over-simplification.
Ms. Garrison: Well, you're a faggot!
[the look of shock returns to Dawkins]
Ms. Garrison: Continue.
Richard Dawkins: You see, children, life has the amazing ability to change, to adapt. Like changing us to the point that we walk upright.
Ms. Garrison: So you *are* saying that we're all related to monkeys!
Richard Dawkins: [puts the chalk in the holder below the blackboard] Well, yes, basically, we are.
Ms. Garrison: Do you see monkeys at the zoo? They crap in their hands and throw it at people!
Richard Dawkins: Ms. Garrison, this isn't theory, it is scientific fact!
Ms. Garrison: What about the fact that if I believe in this crap, you're gonna go to hell? Doesn't that bother you a little?
Richard Dawkins: Actually, no. Because I'm an atheist.
Ms. Garrison: [rises and walks up to him] Aha! I've got you, you snake-in-the-grass! I found you out!
Richard Dawkins: I never covered it up.
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] And if I'm a monkey, then I might as well *act* like a monkey, huh?
[she acts like a monkey with monkey noises, then pulls down her pants and craps out her butt]
Richard Dawkins: [shocked] What on earth are you doing?
Ms. Garrison: Don't ask me, I'm a fuckin' monkey!
[she grabs her own feces and throws it at Dawkins, who screams in disgust]

[Richard Dawkins continues teaching evolution, with Ms. Garrison looking quite enamored]
Richard Dawkins: You must understand, children, that we are dealing with very large numbers here.
Ms. Garrison: [thinks] That's my man.
Richard Dawkins: So, evolution doesn't even happen by chance. It is, in fact, bound to happen.
Ms. Garrison: That's right, kids. And so you see, there is no God.
Richard Dawkins: Careful, darling. The school board doesn't like it when we...
Stan: Well, there could still be a God.
Ms. Garrison: [surprised] What?
Stan: Couldn't evolution be the answer to how and not the answer to why?
Ms. Garrison: [brings out a triangle and starts ringing it] Uh oh, retard alert! Retard alert, class!
[she leaves her desk and walks up to Stan's]
Ms. Garrison: Do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster too, bubblehead?
Stan: I wasn't talking about spaghetti.
[Ms. Garrison picks him up, desk and all, and carries him to the front of the class]
Ms. Garrison: Come on, you! You're gonna have to sit in the dunce chair!
[sets him down next to the blackboard and crowns him with a dunce cap that says, "I have faith"]

[Ms. Garrison and Dawkins are in bed; she runs her fingers through his chest hair]
Richard Dawkins: Ms. Garrison, I'm not so sure what you did today in class was right.
Ms. Garrison: What? But Dick, you told me the world would be a better place without religion.
Richard Dawkins: Yes, but to be so bold about it...
[he looks away]
Richard Dawkins: I've just never seen a woman with such... balls.
Ms. Garrison: [sits on Dawkins with the blanket over her chest] You've just been too soft on religious people in the past. Think about it, Richard. With your intellect and my balls, we can change the future of the world.
Richard Dawkins: Can you imagine a world with no religion? No Muslims killing Jews, no Christians bombing abortion clinics. The world would be a wonderful place... without God.
Ms. Garrison: You're the smartest man on earth, Dick. With me by your side, there's no stopping you.
Richard Dawkins: Oh, just let me see those beautiful breasts again.
Ms. Garrison: Oh, all right.
[she lowers the blanket and the breasts appear, with the implants not balanced]
Richard Dawkins: Oh yeah, baby! Oh!
[he shakes his head between the breasts, with the effect of a motorboat's engine revving up]
Ms. Garrison: [moans] Oh yeah! Aaahhh!
[Dawkins revs up again]

Richard Dawkins: Charmed to meet you.
Ms. Garrison: Shut up, faggot


"South Park: The Death Camp of Tolerance (#6.14)" (2002)
Mr. Garrison: Holy Moley! I've gotta find a way to get fired for being gay!

Mr. Garrison: God-damnit!
Mr. Slave: How'd it go?
Mr. Garrison: This is unbelievable, Mr. Slave! It seems no matter what I do I can't get fired!
Mr. Slave: The principal didn't fire you?
Mr. Garrison: No! The parents felt so bad that their kids didn't want to attend my class anymore that they wanna give me the Courageous Teacher award this Friday at the Museum of Tolerance!
Mr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Mr. Garrison: I mean, I stuck a gerbil up your ass and they wanna give me a Goddamn medal!
Mr. Slave: Well it sounds to me like the principal's just hiding things from everybody. What you need to do is let the parents see what kind of demented faggot you are.
Mr. Garrison: Oh well-
[stops and thinks]
Mr. Garrison: Hey, that's right, Mr. Slave.
[paces a bit]
Mr. Garrison: The parents have to see for themselves.
[snaps his fingers]
Mr. Garrison: The awards ceremony! Well we'll put on a show they'll never forget!

Mr. Garrison: I'm not saying the rest of the school year will be easy. In fact, it's going to be long and hard.
[does motions for both words - the palms facomg each other and pulling apart, then two fists]
Mr. Garrison: Really long and really hard.
[emphasizes the motions]
Mr. Slave: Oh Jesus Christ.
Mr. Garrison: Ehewww, the first thing we're gonna be learning about is communist Russia.
[Starts writing Stalin on the board]
Eric Cartman: [Making a paper airplane] No, Kenny. What are you doing, Kenny?
Mr. Garrison: Now, Stalin was a big silly when it came to...
Eric Cartman: Kenny, no! Don't do it, Kenny!
[fires the plane off. It hits the board and falls away]
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?
Eric Cartman: No, it was Kenny!
Mr. Garrison: Very funny, Eric! Kenny's dead!
Stan Marsh: Yeah, but Cartman drank Kenny's remains, and now Kenny's soul is trapped in Cartman's body.
The Class: Yeah!
Mr. Garrison: That does it! I will not put up with foolishness in my class! It's time for punishmenmt!
[reaches into his desk and pulls out a paddle, then strikes it against his left palm twice. He walks over to Mr. Slave and has him bend over]
Mr. Garrison: Take it Mr. Slave!
[swats him three times on the ass]

Mr. Garrison: Say, Mr. Slave?
Mr. Slave: Yes, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: I had a dream last night where you were a real dick!
Mr. Slave: Why would you dream I was being an asshole?
Mr. Garrison: No, no! I was the asshole.

Randy Marsh: [In the Hall of Stereoypes] Here, Stan, here's another stereotype- the lazy Mexican. Now, we know that not all Mexicans are lazy, and-
[Mr. Venezuela, the janitor, wakes up]
Randy Marsh: Huh?
Mr. Venezuela: Yo, man, where am I?
Randy Marsh: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a wax statue.
Mr. Venezuela: Naw, man, I'm the janitor, but I'm just so tired and sleepy.
Randy Marsh: Oh, I see.

Mr. Garrison: It's been brought to my attention that fourth graders might be too old for Mr. Hat.
Kyle: Two year olds are too old for Mr. Hat.


Christmas in South Park (2000) (V)
Mr. Hankey: If you don't like it, you can suck my little balls.

Mr. Garrison: Okay Kyle, why don't you take the prod.
[hands the prod to Kyle]
Kyle: Sweet!
Mr. Garrison: Okay Eric, whenever you're ready
[starts playing a piano]
Eric Cartman: [singing] and, O holy night
[Kyle shocks him]
Eric Cartman: Ow! What was that for? I didn't screw up.
[Kyle laughs]
Eric Cartman: What?
Mr. Garrison: No, Kyle, you can't shock him unless he forgets the words.
Kyle: Sorry, Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Garrison: [singing] Oh Christmas Day, I travel 'round the world and say: Taoist, Krishnas, Buddhists and all you atheists too! Merry fucking Christmas to you!

Mr. Garrison: [singing] Hey there, Mr. Shintoist, Merry fucking Christmas! God is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum/ In case you haven't noticed, there's festive things to do/ So let's all rejoice for Jesus/Merry fucking Christmas to you!

Mr. Garrison: [singing] Hey there, Mister Hinduist/Merry fucking Christmas! Drink eggnog and eat some beef and pass it to the missus/In case you haven't noticed/It's Jesus' birthday/So get off your heathen Hindu ass and fucking celebrate!

Mr. Mackey: [singing] Hark, hear the bells/Sweet silver bells/ All seem to say, "Ding dong, M'kay".


"South Park: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo (#1.9)" (1997)
Mr. Hankey: Not real, eh? If I wasn't real, could I sing this merry little song?
[singing]
Mr. Hankey: Santa Claus is on his way / Load of goodies on his sleigh / He'll dump them all on Christmas day / And I'll say "Howdy Ho!"

Mr. Hankey: Hidey Ho.

Cartman: [singing] Well, Kyle's mom's a bitch she's a big fat bitch. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide. She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch. She's a bitch to all the boys and girls.
Kyle: Shut up Cartman
Mr. Hankey: Hideho!
Kyle: Mr Hankey.
Cartman: Yes Kyle's mom's a bitch she's a big fat bitch.
Mr. Hankey: Golly that isn't very nice. I sure would like to teach him lesson.
Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, she's a stupid bitch. Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a stupid dirty bitch. Kyle's mom is a bitch.

Sheila Broflovski: [objecting to a Christmas symbol] It's offensive to the Jewish community!
Mr. Garrison: You are the Jewish community!

Mayor McDaniels: Okay, just what the heck is going on here, people?
Citizen: Mayor, we are deeply offended by the nativity scene in front of the state office. Church and state are separate!
Crowd: Yeah!
Sheila Broflovski: That isn't all, Mayor. The school play is doing a nativity scene. It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community.
Mr. Garrison: You ARE the Jewish community!
Cartman: Oh boy. Super bitch is at it again!
Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Father Maxey: Mayor, the nativity is what Christmas is about. If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all that garbage too!
Crowd: Hallelujah! Amen!
Tree Lover: And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!
Crowd: Yeah!
Jimbo Kern: And I am sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids. If you don't want to spill your coffee, then you shouldn't be driving with it!
[pause]
Crowd: Yeah!


"South Park: Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina (#9.1)" (2005)
Mr. Garrison: [to Mr. Slave as he decides to walk out after Mr. Garrison got a sex change operation] Go ahead and find someone who doesn't have a vagina you fag.

Mr. Garrison: [following his sex change] Look at all these wonderful tampons!

Mrs. Garrison: Hello boys! It's me - your teacher, Mrs. Garrison!
Cartman: [to Stan, Kyle and Kenny] You guys - Mr. Garrison has titties.
Mrs. Garrison: I had a sex-change operation. My penis is now a vagina, and I'm experiencing womanhood for the first time in my life!
[walking away]
Mrs. Garrison: See you in class!

Mr. Garrison: Hey, I'm pregnant everybody! Now I can go down to the clinic and have an abortion!

Mr. Garrison: [now Mrs. Garrison] I'm pregnant! Woo hoo, now I can have an abortion!


"South Park: Follow That Egg (#9.10)" (2005)
Mr. Garrison: I'm still me! Just that I have a vagina!
Mr. Slave: But I'm gay! I don't like vaginas!

Mr. Garrison: Let's round up some trucks and some queers and have us a good old fashioned fag drag!

[Ms. Garrison checks on the kids in her class if their parenting skills went well]
Ms. Garrison: Now how about our gay couples? Stan and Kyle?
Stan: [determined] Fine!
Ms. Garrison: What?
Stan: No problems at all!
Ms. Garrison: [angry] That's impossible!
[she snatches the egg from Stan's hand and looks it over carefully]
Ms. Garrison: Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me? Where's my signature?
Stan: It's right there, see?
[he leans toward Kyle in fear; Wendy looks away from the action]
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!
Kyle: Dude, it's totally fine.
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] It isn't fine! It has two daddies! It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed! Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies!
[taunts the egg directly]
Ms. Garrison: Two daddies! Two daddies! C'mon, class, let's rip on the freak egg! Two daddies! Two daddies!
[the class becomes confused]

[checks on the kids in her class to see if their parenting skills went well]
Ms. Garrison: Now, how about our gay couples? Stan and Kyle?
Stan: [determined] Fine!
Ms. Garrison: What?
Stan: No problems at all!
Ms. Garrison: [angry] That's impossible!
[she snatches the egg from Stan's hand and looks it over carefully]
Ms. Garrison: Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me? Where's my signature?
Stan: It's right there, see?
[he leans toward Kyle in fear; Wendy looks away from the action]
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!
Kyle: Dude, it's totally fine.
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] It isn't fine! It has two daddies! It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed! Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies!
[taunts the egg directly]
Ms. Garrison: Two daddies! Two daddies! C'mon, class, let's rip on the freak egg! Two daddies! Two daddies!


"South Park: Ike's Wee Wee (#2.4)" (1998)
Jimbo: [Mackey's dressed like a hippie] Why don't you go to a Grateful Dead concert?
Mr. Mackey: I can't, man, Jerry Berry's dead.

Stan Marsh: Why do dogs have cold noses?
Mr. Mackey: Uuuhh... well, I'm not sure.

Stan Marsh: We're sorry, Mr. Mackey, mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, that's okay, just don't let it happen again.
Kyle Broflovski: We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay, that's that.
Eric Cartman: Mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay.

Mr. Mackey: Mari-ju-ana's bad, m'kay?


"South Park: It Hits the Fan (#5.1)" (2001)
Mr. Garrison: Well, they can't use "fag" because you can't say "fag" unless you're a homosexual.
Mr. Marsh: Really? So we can't say
[bleeped out]
Mr. Marsh: "fag"?
Mr. Garrison: See? You, you got beeped.
Man #1: You mean you have to be a
[bleeped out]
Man #1: "fag" to say
[bleeped out]
Man #1: "fag"?
Mr. Garrison: That's right!
Jimbo: Well, that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag".
Mr. Marsh: Hey, you didn't get beeped.
Jimbo: Uh oh.
Mr. Garrison: Well, well, well. Guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you friggin' fag. You wanna go and make out or something?

Mr. Garrison: Recently I came out and admitted I was a homosexual so now I can say the word "Fag". On television, they usually don't allow "fag", but since I'm gay, it's okay. And with the new approval of the word "shit", I can now say: "Hey there, shitty shitty fag fag, shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do? Hey there, shitty shitty fag fag, shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?"

Mr. Garrison: Now when I want you to hand in your work, I'll say, "Hand in your shit".
Filmore Anderson: What about, "I have to take a shit"?
Mr. Garrison: No, Fillmore. You can say, "I have to poop and shit", or, "Oh, shit, I have to poop", but not "I have to take a shit".

Mr. Garrison: So piss off, ya fag shitter!


"South Park: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset (#8.12)" (2004)
Mr. Stoch: Ok son, if you can raise $250 million we won't sell you to Paris Hilton.

Butters: [walking, looking depressed] I'm a bad bear, I'm a bad old bear.
Mr. Stoch: You're a grounded old bear.

Paris Hilton: Oh, I want to take Mr. Biggles with me.
Mrs. Stotch: With you where?
Paris Hilton: To live with me forever and ever you dumb broad! How much?
Mrs. Stotch: How much? For Butters?
Mr. Stoch: Butters is our son. He's not for sale.
Paris Hilton: I'll give you 200 million dollars for it.
Mr. Stoch: [spits out his coffee] Excuse me?
Paris Hilton: I SAID I'll give you 200 million dollars for it!
[Mr. and Mrs. Stotch both spit out their coffee in shock]


"South Park: The Entity (#5.11)" (2001)
Mr. Garrison: Gentlemen, imagine being able to travel safely at incredibly fast speeds and not having to go to the stupid fart face airports.

Mr. Garrison: [FBI Agents are reposessing Mr. Garrison's Its'] Excuse me, what the hell are you doing?
FBI Agent 2: It's all right, we're with the government. We're just shutting you down.
Mr. Garrison: Shutting me down? Why?
FBI Agent 2: The airlines are in desparate trouble. Your vehicle is causing them to lose money.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah well that was the point, dingleberry. Put that down!
FBI Agent 1: Right, so the government is bailing the airlines out again by shutting you down and making Its illegal.
Mr. Garrison: Oh God dammit! You better be kidding!
FBI Agent 2: Sir, many people work for the airlines. We can't let them all be fired.
Mr. Garrison: The airline companies are losing money because of their own incompetence and their own inefficiency!
FBI Agent 1: That may be true, but if you build, sell or ride another It, it will be the last time. Have a nice night.
Mr. Garrison: AAH! Airline motherfuckers! You pieces of shit! Cock sucking, son of a bitch AIRLINES!

Mr. Garrison: What do you think, Mr. Marsh? You ready to put a down payment on that baby?
Randy Marsh: Well yeah, but I just had one question about how it works. Well, it seems all the buttons on these front and rear flexi-grips are also found on the side of the vehicle.
Mr. Garrison: Yep.
Randy Marsh: So, they don't really do anything.
Mr. Garrison: Right.
Randy Marsh: So then, couldn't I just order one that works without going in and out of my ass and mouth?
Mr. Garrison: [pause] ... Well, I guess you could.
Customers: Huh? What's that? What'd he say?


"South Park: Timmy 2000 (#4.3)" (2000)
Clinic Doctor: Now, Timmy, I'm going to read you a book called, "The Great Gatsby," by F. Scott Fitzgerald. At the end of the novel I'll ask you a few questions. Are you ready?
Timmy: Timmih.
Clinic Doctor: [sits] Okay, here we go.
[opens the book and clear his throat]
Clinic Doctor: "In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since"
["since since since since..." The clock reads 2:01, but the hours begin to roll by: 3:24, 5:55, 9:09... ]
Clinic Doctor: "so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."
Timmy: Ha-a-a-a-a-h.
Clinic Doctor: Okay now, Timmy. Can you tell me: In Chapter 7, what kind of car did Gatsby drive?
Timmy: [fiddles around some, then turns aside] Timmih!
Clinic Doctor: [rises and slams the book on the floor] Well, that settles it!
Mr. Mackey: [sits up] Huh?
Clinic Doctor: This young man definitely has Attention Deficit Disorder!
Mr. Mackey: [rubs his eyes] Oh oh, I nuh-I knew it.
Principal Victoria: What can we do for him, doctor?
Clinic Doctor: Well, ADD is fairly common in kids today. I'm gonna prescribe some Ritalin, and we'll see how that goes for little Timmy.
Timmy: [softly] Timmih.

Mr. Garrison: [in reference to the Declaration of Independence] And who wrote that document? Hmm... let's see... I know, let's ask the new kid, Timmy.
Timmy: Timmy!
Mr. Garrison: No Timmy, it wasn't you.

Mr. Garrison: Okay children let's settle down!
[all the children sit there quietly and attentively]
Mr. Garrison: Huh I mean it, I want it quiet!
[the children remain calm]
Mr. Garrison: My god Mr. Hat, these children are so boring on Ritalin. Huh, alright children, were going to learn about human reproduction, what do you think about that?
[the children don't respond]
Mr. Garrison: Vaginas and penises! Butt sex!
[no one says a word]
Mr. Garrison: Well damnit! Eric don't you have some smartass thing to say?
Cartman: [calmly and politely] What kind of smartass thing would I say Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: [grabs his head in anger] This is driving me crazy! I can't handle you little bastards being so mellow!
Kyle: Gee you seem a little stressed Mr. Garrison, why don't you try some Ritalin?
[hands a bottle to Mr. Garrison who grabs it and dumps the pills down his throat]
Cartman: There you go
[hallucinates seeing a Christina Aguilera monster]
Cartman: Woah!


"South Park: South Park Is Gay (#7.8)" (2003)
Mr. Garrison: If straight people are gonna steal our culture, then us real gays are gonna have to step it up a notch.

Jimbo Kern: Hey! My shoes don't say I pound ass!
Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the ass!

Mr. Garrison: Why won't anyone pound Mr Slave's butt?
Randy Marsh: Um, we don't pound butt, Mr Garrison, we're straight.
Mr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!
Jimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!


"South Park: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride (#1.4)" (1997)
Mr. Garrison: Gay people, well, gay people are EVIL, evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

Stan Marsh: What's a homosexual?
Mr. Herbert Garrison: Well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down. Stanley, gay people, well, gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

Richard Stamos: [singing] Loving you is easy when you're beautiful. Do, do, do, do, do...
[off key]
Richard Stamos: Ah!
[off key]
Richard Stamos: Ah!
Jimbo: What the hell? He didn't hit the high F.
Garrison: Richard Stamos can't hit the high F. He always screws it up like this.
[jeering]
Garrison: It's obvious where all of the talent in that family went.
Jimbo: Ned, we are in big trouble.


"South Park: Erection Day (#9.7)" (2005)
Mrs. Garrison: [Ike has just finished his act] Okay, very nice, Ike, thank you. All right, children, it looks like we have no more contestants, which means the Talent Show is over! Now we will tally up the judges' scores and find out which act they hated the least.

Mr. Garrison: [during the school talent show] And now, performing select readings from the movie Scarface, Eric Cartman!
Eric Cartman: [imitating Tony Montana] What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy."


"South Park: 4th Grade (#4.11)" (2000)
Mr. Garrison: Alright, let's try it again.
Mrs. Choksondik: "Children, we are now going to do math problems."
Mr. Garrison: "But teacher, I don't want to do my math problems."
Mrs. Choksondik: "You will do them or else you'll be in very big trouble!"
Mr. Garrison: "Well, I'm not going to do it, teacher! You can just suck my balls!"
Mrs. Choksondik: "Don't use that kind of language, young man!"
Mr. Garrison: No!
Mrs. Choksondik: No?
Mr. Garrison: Look, you can't counter a profane command with an idle threat! You must extinguish it with a vulgar suggestion! When a child says, "Suck my balls," you say, "Present them."
Mrs. Choksondik: Oh.
Mr. Garrison: Now, let's try it again. "Suck my balls!"
Mrs. Choksondik: "Present them?"
Mr. Garrison: Good. Very good. You're ready to move on to the next level.

Mr. Garrison: Do you know what it is to be a teacher, Ms...?
Mrs. Choksondik: Choksondik.
Mr. Garrison: No I don't! IT'S A LIE! You see? That's what you get for bein' a teacher! You work and you work for the children and then people start rumors that you're gay even though you love poontang!


"South Park: Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods (#2.11)" (1998)
[sees Mr. Mackey try a "mind-meld" with an emotionally crippled boy]
Nurse Gollum: This is the strangest thing I've ever seen.
Mr. Mackey: Please, nurse. For a woman with a dead fetus on your head, you're not being very open-minded.

Mr. Garrison: [Mr. Garrison has just shown his class an episode of Barnaby Jones] Okay, children, what do you think Barnaby Jones meant when he said, "This is not a victimless crime"? Anybody? Children, were you paying attention?
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, we've been watching Barnaby Jones repeats for eight days now. It's hard to keep paying attention.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, well excuse me, Kyle! Why don't you just *forget* what Barnaby Jones has to say? Why don't you *not* pay attention to Barnaby Jones and then let's see how far you get in society?


"South Park: Chickenlover (#2.3)" (1998)
Cartman: This book was pretty good. I give it a B-.
Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, now sit down.
Cartman: Ah, son of a bitch.

Mr. Garrison: Yes Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: I need to go poopies.
Mr. Garrison: Officer Barbrady, in school we use the bathroom before and after class.
Officer Barbrady: Oh Christ, how do you kids do it?


"South Park: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig (#1.5)" (1997)
[Teaching the children about genetic engineering]
Mr. Garrison: Genetic engineering is a way to fix God's horrible mistakes, like German people.

Mr. Garrison: Well spank my ass and call me "Charlie", it looks like we have two A's.


"South Park: Here Comes the Neighborhood (#5.12)" (2001)
Skeeter: That was it. We just saw the last of them speeding away in a van!
[all the men yell, "All right!"]
Gerald Brofloski: They were so scared, I'm sure they'll never be back!
Mr. Garrison: That's great! And now we can sell all their homes, and become... millionaires!
[all the men stop and ask, "What?"]
Jimbo: But then you had us do all that for nothin'. Don't you see - if you get rich sellin' these homes, then there will still be rich people in South Park.
Randy Marsh: Yeah. You'd become what you hate.
[Mr. Garrison pauses]
Mr. Garrison: Well yeah, but at least I got rid of all those damn ni-
[credits roll]

Mr. Garrison: Now we can sell all their homes and become millionaires.
Jimbo: But then you had us do all that for nothing. Don't you see, if you get rich selling these homes then there will still be rich people in South Park.
Randy Marsh: Yeah, you'd become what you hate.
Mr. Garrison: Well yeah, but at least I got rid of all those damn ni...
[credits roll]


"South Park: Weight Gain 4000 (#1.2)" (1997)
Mr. Garrison: I guess I'm not the only person in America who's thought of killing Kathie Lee Gifford.

Mr. Garrison: Congratulations, Eric, on writing the award-winning paper.
Cartman: Kick ass.
Stan: That's impossible. Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart.
Cartman: Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.


"South Park: Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut (#1.13)" (1998)
Chef: Garrison, what the hell are you doing?
Mr Garrison: You're drunk, Mr Hat!

Mr Garrison: Seriously, who here has never had sex with Cartman's mother?
[One guy raises his hand]
Mr Garrison: You don't count, Halfie, you don't have any legs...


South Park: The Stick of Truth (2014) (VG)
Ginger Boy: [defeated in battle by Douchebag] Officer down! Officer down! Send backup!
[through walkie-talkie]
Ginger Boy: I repeat, officer down! All hallway monitors to the right hallway!
Mr. Mackey: Oh, God damnit!
Craig Tucker: Heeeeere they come.
Mr. Mackey: They aren't going to get you, Craig! You're not getting out of detention!
Craig Tucker: I'll be out of here in ten minutes.


"South Park: Good Times with Weapons (#8.1)" (2004)
[the townsfolk consult with Mayor McDaniels about the incident at the auction]
Man #1: Well, like the rest of you, I am shocked and appalled at what happened! I don't know if the parents are to blame or if it's the times we're living in, but something has to change!
Townsfolk: [amid chatter] Yeah! I agree!
Gerald Brofloski: This is the worst thing that's happened in this town! The worst thing!
Man #2: Yeah! I mean, there were children watching that auction! And when that little eight-year-old-boy walked up and flashed his... penis... it was an outrage!
[the adults go into an uproar again]
Stan: What?
Cartman: What?
Skeeter: Not only that, the auction was televised on public access, so my little daughter watchin' at home saw the... penis! How am I supposed to explain that to her?
Sheila Broflovski: This is what happens when the moral fabric of society breaks down!
[the adults go into an uproar again]
Mr. Garrison: [shouts] You see the damage you've caused, Eric Cartman? What were you thinking?
Cartman: I told you it was a wardrobe malfunction!
[the adults go into an uproar again]
Kyle: Dude, they don't care we knocked Butters' eye out with weapons?
Stan: Just run with it, dude.
Kyle: [looks around, then stands on his chair] Uh, yeah! I agree! Uh, my fragile little eight-year-old mind didn't know how to deal with what I was seeing. Cartman should be punished!
[the adults agree, then go into an uproar again]
Cartman: Hey, fuck you, Kyle!


"South Park: Cartman Joins NAMBLA (#4.5)" (2000)
Mr. Eduardo (Member of NAMBLA): All these men wanted was love from a young boy. There is nothing wrong with love.
Mr. Garrison: I do not want love from a young boy. I like men my own age. Ah! I mean, I like women! What did I say? Oh God! I love titties!


"South Park: Lil' Crime Stoppers (#7.6)" (2003)
Ms. Garrison: Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early '60's?
Cartman: A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods.
Ms. Garrison: Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?


"South Park: Starvin' Marvin (#1.8)" (1997)
Mr. Garrison: Who knows what a can food drive is?
Eric Cartman: Isn't that where they cut open a chick's stomach to get the baby out?
Mr. Garrison: No that's a caesarian section, Eric, but remember there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.


"South Park: A Ladder to Heaven (#6.12)" (2002)
Mr. Garrison: A ladder to heaven, that's fuckin' stupid.


"South Park: Trapper Keeper (#4.12)" (2000)
[on the kindergarten class president election]
Mr. Garrison: You can't have an election with just one person running, what's the fun in that? Ike, how about you? You're a genius.
[Ike looks at the others glaring at him]
Ike: No.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, our next nominee is Ike the Genius.


"South Park: Butt Out (#7.13)" (2003)
Mr. Mackey: [Mr Mackey catches the boy smoking outside the school] OK, let me tell you boys something about smoking, OK? Smoking's bad. And if you start smoking at an early age, it's gonna be bad. And smoking can lead to all kinds of health problems... like cancer... OK? And let me tell you something about cancer... cancer's bad.


"South Park: Tom's Rhinoplasty (#1.11)" (1998)
Mr. Herbert Garrison: [about the movie 'Contact'] Waited to see that entire movie to see that alien, and it was her goddamn father!


"South Park: Cartoon Wars: Part 1 (#10.3)" (2006)
Herbert Garrison: Let's all look at why Muslims are upset. First of all, in the Muslim religion, you're not allowed to have what? Sex. Good. There's no sex until marriage in the Muslim world. Now, this would be fine except that in the Muslim religion you also can't... Anybody? Jack off. Okay, jacking it is strictly forbidden in the Muslim religion. And what do we know about the places Muslims live? They live in? Good, sand. Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well, you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off too!


"South Park: Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls (#2.9)" (1998)
Mr. Twig: As you may or may not know, the first annual South Park Film Festival begins today.
Kyle Broflovski: They're going to show that stupid ass Godzilla movie, are they?
Mr. Garrison: No Kyle, these are independent films.
Stan: What, like Independence Day? That movie sucked ass too.
Cartman: No dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.


"South Park: Death (#1.6)" (1997)
Mr. Garrison: [returning from the bathroom] I must have caught the flu from Kenny. I've got the green apple splatters.


"South Park: Sexual Harassment Panda (#3.6)" (1999)
Mr. Garrison: Now does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
[Cartman raises his hand]
Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?
Eric Cartman: When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.


"South Park: Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut (#2.2)" (1998)
[Jimbo and folks are stuck at Studio, they have to raffle off the next eatable person]
Uncle Jimbo: OK, until now, everyone has picked up a long stick. I will be next.
[Jimbo picks up a stick from Barbrady's fist; a tall one]
Uncle Jimbo: Phew!
[Mr. Garrison picks up a stick; a tall one]
Mr. Garrison: Phew!
[Barbrady opens his fist; another tall one]
Officer Barbrady: Whooof!
Uncle Jimbo: Barbrady, where the hell is the short one?
Officer Barbrady: Eh, what?
Uncle Jimbo: Someone has to get a short stick, so we know, who will lose!
Officer Barbrady: Hmm... I always have played with wrong rules!


"South Park: All About Mormons (#7.12)" (2003)
Mr. Garrison: Looks like I don't have a class full of retards any more, doesn't it, children?


"South Park: Cherokee Hair Tampons (#4.6)" (2000)
Mr. Garrison: Oh yeah, Mr. Hat. Hot lesbo scene comin' up!


"South Park: Margaritaville (#13.3)" (2009)
Newsreader: An economic crisis has hit South Park and the nation like never before. Another South Park bank has closed down, leaving thousands of people in debt.
Mr Garrison: It's just crazy, you know? Everyone's affected by it. It's like all the money just vanished.
Stephen Stotch: It's really terrifying. We-we've got no money to pay our mortgage now. We could very easily lose our house!
Butters: Hi grandma!
Redneck #1: First the money started going, and now everyone's getting laid off work! They took our jobs!
Redneck #2: They took our jobs!
Redneck #3: D' took'r jeeeeerbs!
Redneck #4: Took'r durbs!
Redneck #5: Took'r dur'b!
Newsreader: Just how far will the economy fail? We asked economic reporter, Dan Banks, for his assessment.
[Dan pulls out a gun and shoots himself, followed by a loud thump as he falls]
Newsreader: [pause] We'll have the rest of Dan's interview tonight at ten.


"South Park: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (#1.1)" (1997)
Kyle Broflovski: Please Mr. Garrison, can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know Kyle, did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle Broflovski: I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
Mr. Garrison: Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle Broflovski: Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison: [as Mr. Hat] Well Kyle, NO! YA HEAR ME? YOU GO 'TA HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!
[as himself]
Mr. Garrison: Well Kyle, I guess you'll have to take you're seat.
Kyle Broflovski: Dammit!
Eric Cartman: Ha ha, Mr. Hat yelled at you!


"South Park: Summer Sucks (#2.8)" (1998)
Mr.Garrison: Hello?
Mr. Mackey: Hello, is Mr. Hat there?
Mr.Garrison: Is this some kind of joke?
Mr. Mackey: Umm, yes.
Mr.Garrison: You go to Hell! You go to Hell and you die! I'm going to find out who you are.
Mr. Mackey: Umm, I don't think you can, m'kay?


"South Park: Grey Dawn (#7.10)" (2003)
Mr. Garrison: And so you see, children, Genghis Khan was a "Mongol," not to be confused with a "mongoloid" like the actor, Nicholas Cage.


"South Park: Clubhouses (#2.12)" (1998)
Mr. Garrison: Stan, are you paying attention?
Stan: Yes, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Well then, Stanley, what did I just say?
Stan: [pause] Um, you said that even though Charo appeared 12 times on the Love Boat, the episode with Captain and Tennille got higher ratings.
Mr. Garrison: Well, okay, I suppose you were paying attention.
Kyle: [whispers] Good guess dude.
Stan: [whispers] Phew.


"South Park: Marjorine (#9.9)" (2005)
Ms. Garrison: [Butters is disguised as Marjorine, the new girl in school] Why don't you tell the children a little about yourself, Marjorine?
Butters: [as Marjorine] Well, I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancin', and ponies, a-a-and... getting my snootch pounded on Friday nights.
Clyde: Nice.
Ms. Garrison: Now Marjorine, that's not very lady-like. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snizz just like any woman but we keep it to ourselves.


"South Park: It's Christmas in Canada (#7.15)" (2003)
Mr. Garrison: Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?
Mayor: Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of the Mexicans and every Christmas we tell you no.
Mr. Garrison: Rats.


"South Park: World Wide Recorder Concert (#3.17)" (2000)
Kyle Broflovski: Well, that whole experience sure did suck.
Stan Marsh: Yeah, but you know? I learned something today. We were so worried about how cool we looked to those New Yorker kids that we forgot we are already totally cool, even if we don't what queef means.
Mr. Mackey: [Walking by] Queef is a vaginal explosion of gas, mmmkay.


"South Park: The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs (#14.2)" (2010)
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?
Mr. Garrison: Yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by Catcher in the Rye, but he was just a kook.
Eric: Whoa, you're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate and made a guy shoot the king of hippies. Can we please read this right now?


"South Park: Ginger Kids (#9.11)" (2005)
Ms. Garrison: Okay kids, looks like we only have time for one more speech today, so let's have, uh, Eric.
Cartman: Thank you, Ms. Garrison. My speech is entitled "Ginger Kids". Children with red hair, light skin, and freckles. We've all seen them. On the playground, at the store, walking on the streets. They creep us out, and make us sick to our stomachs. I'm talking, of course, about Ginger kids.
[slide projector clicks]
Cartman: Aw, sick! Gross! Ginger kids are born with a disease, which causes very light skin, red hair and freckles.
[projector clicks]
Cartman: Aw, nasty, yuck!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: This disease is called "Gingervitis". Kids who have Gingervitis cannot be cured.
[projector clicks]
Cartman: Aw sick!
[click]
Cartman: Gross!
[click]
Cartman: Yuck! Because their skin is so light, Ginger kids must avoid the sun.
[class ooooohs]
Kyle: That's not true, fat ass! I have red hair, and I don't have to avoid the sun.
Cartman: I was getting to that if you'll let me. Some people have red hair, but not light skin and freckles. These people are called daywalkers.
Butters: Ooooooh, Daywalkers!
Kyle: This is all a bunch of crap!
Cartman: Ms. Garrison, I'm really having a difficult time with all these interruptions.
Kyle: People aren't creeped out by gingers!
Butters: I am.
Ms. Garrison: Kyle, if you want to debate Eric, you can do so with your paper tomorrow.
Kyle: Fine, I will!
Cartman: Fine, in the meantime, shut your goddamn Daywalker mouth!
Kyle: Grrrrrrrr!
Cartman: In conclusion, I wil leave you with this. If you think that the ginger problem is not a serious one...
[click]
Cartman: think again!


"South Park: Proper Condom Use (#5.7)" (2001)
[Mr. Garrison has to teach sexual education in Kindergarten]
Mr. Herbert Garrison: Okay children, who can tell me what a condom is?
[silence, one girl raises hand]
Mr. Herbert Garrison: Yes, Jenny?
Jenny: It fwies awound and it's endangewed.
Mr. Herbert Garrison: That's a *condor*, Jenny! Condor. *Condoms* are what we use to stop the spread of STDs.
[Fillmore raises hand]
Mr. Herbert Garrison: Yes, Fillmore?
Filmore Anderson: Can we do fingerpaints?
Mr. Herbert Garrison: [angrily] No, we can't do fingerpaints! You kids wanna get herpes, huh? How 'bout a nice bucket of AIDS? Sound good? Now pay attention, all right? I'm going show you the proper way to put on a condom.
[puts a wooden phallus on table]
Mr. Herbert Garrison: First of all, you remove the condom from its package. Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth
[puts consom in mouth, and starts to speak muffled]
Mr. Herbert Garrison: and apply.
[off screen, Garrison puts the condom over the wooden penis by act of fellatio; the kids look baffled; one starts crying]
Mr. Herbert Garrison: And it's as simple as that. Any questions?


"South Park: Go God Go XII (#10.13)" (2006)
[Ms. Garrison and Richard Dawkins are having sex and groaning in her room when the phone rings]
Ms. Garrison: Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm a monkey! Give this monkey what she wants!
Richard Dawkins: Oh, Ms. Garrison!
Ms. Garrison: [hears the phone ring] Dammit, who the hell is calling?
Richard Dawkins: [moans] I'll tell them... to call you back... Oh... yeah...
[he answers the phone]
Richard Dawkins: Garrison residence. Can you call... back later, please?
Cartman: [voice from the devastated future] It's an emergency! It's an emergency!
Richard Dawkins: [stops] An emergency?
Cartman: I need to speak to Mr. Garrison right now!
Richard Dawkins: [moans, continually having sex] I'm sorry, but Mr. Garrison has passed away. Mrs. Garrison is the only person here and she's rather tied up at the moment.
Cartman: [shouts] Look, asshole, this is a real emergency! Just pass the phone to whatever Garrison wants to call himself since the sex-change operation!
Richard Dawkins: [stops, shocked] Sex-change operation?
Ms. Garrison: [in a same shocking manner] Uh oh.
Richard Dawkins: [pulls out and protects his genitals, horrified] Uuuuugh! You're a man?
Ms. Garrison: Not anymore. I've been fixed.
[Mr. Dawkins runs for his clothes, using them to protect his genitals]
Ms. Garrison: Richard, hold on. I can explain.
Richard Dawkins: Explain? How can I be so stupid?
[he runs out of the house with his pants on, carrying the rest of his clothes]
Ms. Garrison: [chasing Mr. Dawkins with her robe on] Richard, come back, please!
[Dawkins does not return, and Ms. Garrison loses her faith in atheism in a flash]
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] Well, go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell! You queer!