Eric Cartman
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Quotes for
Eric Cartman (Character)
from "South Park" (1997)

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South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)
[Finishing his "Kyle's Mom" song]
Cartman: Kyle's Mom... She's a big, fat, fuckin' BIIIIIIIIITCH! Who's a fuckin' bitch? Kyle's Mooooooooom! Yeah!
[Notices Kyle's mom standing behind him]
Cartman: Oh fuck.

[Kenny has just died in the hospital]
Cartman: I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him a hundred dollars.
Kyle: It's not your fault, Cartman.
Cartman: Dude, I know, I'm just fuckin' stoked I don't have to pay him.
Kyle: Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!

[person speaking German on "cliteris" website]
Kyle: Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!
Stan: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?
Cartman: Oh, very funny!
Kyle: Hey! It IS Cartman's mom!
Mrs. Cartman: [man speaking German on computer] All righty then!
Cartman: SON OF A BI...
Cartman: AHHH!
Ike: [bounces in] Ba ba ba ba.
Kyle: Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff!
Ike: Bullshit.
Stan: What's she doing now?
German: Essen meine scheisse.
Mrs. Cartman: Okey-dokey!
Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [they see something gross] AWWWWWW!
Stan: [pukes] Click it off, dude, click it off!
[Kyle clicks it off]
Stan: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?

[demonstrating a "V-Chip" planted into Cartman]
Dr. Vosknocker: Now, I want you to say "doggy".
Cartman: Doggy.
Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Notice, that nothing happens.
[to Cartman]
Dr. Vosknocker: Now, say "Montana".
Cartman: Montana.
Dr. Vosknocker: Good. Now, "pillow".
Cartman: Pillow.
Dr. Vosknocker: All right. Now I want you to say "horse fucker".
Mrs. Cartman: Go on, honey. It's all right.
Cartman: Horse fu...
[gets shocked by the V-chip]
Cartman: That hurts, goddamnit!
[gets shocked again]
Dr. Vosknocker: Now I want you to say "big floppy donkey dick".
Cartman: No!
Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Success! The child doesn't want to swear!
Cartman: This isn't fair, you sons of bi...
[gets shocked repeatedly]

Cartman: [to Kyle] Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Cartman: Jew?
Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: Fuck!
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison: [angrily] How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
[the whole class gasps]
Mr. Garrison: [furiously] What did you say?
Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...
[Cartman picks up a megaphone]
[Mr. Garrison is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth]
Stan: Holy shit, dude.

Cartman: See, it doesn't hurt anyone! Fuck, fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Cartman: Hey Stan, tell them about the part where Terrence calls Phillip a testicle shitting rectal wart.

[for no reason]
Eric Cartman: I hate you Kenny.

[the boys have just watched an edited version of "Asses of Fire" and are leaving the theater with the other kids, past the ticket booth again]
Kyle: Man, this movie gets better every time I see it!
Ticket Taker: Hey!
Cartman: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yeah, you can!
Cartman: [stops and turns] No way.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. You can *too* light a fart on fire.
Cartman: Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a fart on fire.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. Check it out.
[he lights his fart on fire and laughs; his parka suddenly erupts in flames and he screams in horror; the boys are shocked]
Stan: Holy shit, dude!
Cartman: Ah! Oh my God! Hey!
[begins beating Kenny with a stick]
Cartman: Aw, shit! Aw, shit!
Stan: [steps forward and yells] Help! Somebody do something!
[he steps back and the stick lights up]
Cartman: Aahh! This stick is on fire!
[an ambulance rushes up and stops, but a Russell's Salt truck rushes up and bumps it away; the truck bed lifts up at the front end and dumps the salt on Kenny; if the fire was injury, this is insult]
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Ooowww!
[the ambulance siren dies and the salt doesn't move; the boys stare at the truck]
Stan: Oh my God, you killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Cartman: Wow, I guess you *can* light a fart on fire, huh?

The Mole: You MUST shut of the alarms! I fucking hate guard dogs!
Cartman: Yeah, I heard you the first time you British piece of shit.
[gets shocked by the V-chip]
Cartman: Owww!

Cartman: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Mr. Mackey: I guess I'll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see Terrence & Phillip.
Cartman: Everybody's fucking seen it.
Mrs. Cartman: Eric!
Cartman: I'm sorry I can't help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Cartman: It was the Terrence & Phillip movie.
Kyle: Dude!
Cartman: What? Fuck you guys. I wanna get out of here.

Cartman: Mom? If you were in a German "scheisse" video, you... you'd tell me, right?
[short pause]
Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hon.

Cartman: Yes, that's right, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Now who wants to touch me?
Cartman: [yells] I said, who wants to fuckin' touch me?

Kyle: Let me have some candy, Cartman.
Cartman: Let's see, hmm, nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.
Kyle: Fine! Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy!

Chef: [singing] Everything worked out what a happy end. Americans and Canadians are friends again. So let's all join hands and knock oppression down.
Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Don't you know our little lives are now complete?
Mrs. Cartman, Sheila Broflovski: 'Cause Terrance and phillip are sweet.
Sheila Broflovski: Super sweet.
everyone: Thank God we live in this quiet, little pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, white trash...
Cartman, Kyle, Stan: Kick-ass!
everyone: Mountain... town!

Stan: What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? / He'd make a plan and follow through, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Kyle: When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the Gold, / he did two salchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold!
Cartman: When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears / he used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair!
Stan, Kyle: So what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? / I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Cartman: I want this V-chip out of me. / It has stunted my vocabulary.
Kyle: And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone.
Stan: For Wendy I'll be an activist too, / 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: And what would Brian Boitano do? He'd call all the kids in town / and tell them to unite for truth, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010, / he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again!
Cartman: And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids he beat up Kublai Khan!
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: 'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody! / So let's call all the kids together / and unite to stop our moms. / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Gregory: I must say, I don't believe I belong here with these rogues. I transferred from Yardale where I had a 4.0 grade point average.
Cartman: You're a fucking faggot, dude.

[Just finished watching Terrence and Phillip's motion picture]
Kyle: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
Cartman: You bet your fuckin' ass it was!
Stan: Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrence and Phillip!

Ticket Taker: Hey wait a minute, where is your guardian?
Cartman: What?
Ticket Taker: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in. Didn't you?
Cartman: Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit eater.

Cartman: Hey dudes!
Kyle: What's the matter Cartman?
Cartman: It's this V-Chip, I hate it! I can't say any dirty words
Kyle: Really? So you can't say Fuck?
Cartman: No!
Kyle: And you can't say Shit?
Cartman: No!
Kyle: So you can't say I'm Eric Cartman the Fattest fucking piece of Shit in the world?
Cartman: FUCK YOU!
[gets shocked by the V-chip]
Cartman: AHHH!
Kyle: Ewwww... Sweet!

Cartman: [singing] Well, Kyle's mom is a big, fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls. / On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wedensday and Saturday she's a bitch. Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a super king kamehameha bee-utch. / Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a stupid bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a big big big big big big bitch. / Bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch. Kyle's mom's a bitch, and she's such a stupid bitch./Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this!
[sings in mock foreign languages]

Saddam Hussein: Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.
Cartman: Hey, don't call me fat buttfucker!
[rays shoot from malfunctioning V-chip and kill a demon from hell]
Stan: Do it Cartman! Do it!
Cartman: Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin' authoritayyy!
[shocks Saddam]
Saddam Hussein: You need to watch your mouth, brat.
Cartman: Dog-shit taco!
Saddam Hussein: Quick Satan! Do something!
Cartman: Try this on for size... Blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle!
Saddam Hussein: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don't worry - I can change!
Cartman: OK... not! Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cunt, butthole, Barbra Streisand!

Stan: Hey, guys. Do you know where I can find the clitoris?
Kyle: The what?
Cartman: What, is that like finding Jesus or something?

Cartman: Wow, I guess you can light a fart on fire, huh?

[Shelia Brovlovski is speaking on national television about war against Canada]
Sheila Broflovski: ...if it's war they want, it's war they'll have!
Cartman: This is fucking weak...

[Stan is staring at Wendy]
Cartman: Hey, you're holding up the god damn lunch line!

Cartman: [mocking the mole] Shut of ze power Cartman, zis is very important Cartman.

[Kenny has just appeared for the second time]
Cartman: [not cursing to avoid getting shocked by V-chip] Son of a gun! Heck!

Cartman: Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?
Mr. Mackey: What?
Cartman: What's the big fucking deal, bitch?
Stan: Yeah!

Cartman: Hey Stan! Tell them about the part where Terrance called Phillip a "testicle-shitting rectal wart!"

Eric Cartman: More people will come if they think we have punch and pie.
Kyle: [typing] Punch and pie.

[the Mole ordered Cartman to disable the army camp alarms, but to his surprise the alarms sound when he tries to rescue Terrance and Phillip and he gets set upon by a pack of wild guard dogs, which he manages to escape from]
The Mole: [Bloody & mortally injured] Ze alarms, they went off?
Cartman: [Casually] Oh that was my bad, sorry.

Cartman: [after seeing Kenny's ghost] Mom I saw him, I saw Kenny!
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, you poor dear! You've been through so much.
Cartman: I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire, and now he's all pissed off
[gets shocked]
Cartman: damn I can't say "pissed off" either!
[gets shocked again]

Cartman: [Realizing he still has Mr. Hat] Why the hell am I still holding this thing for?
[Throws him away]
Mr. Garrison: [From off screen] Mr. Hat, no!

Kyle: You don't think they're really going to kill Terrence and Phillip, do you?
Cartman: Kyle you need to stop being such a chicken shit and stand up to your mother!, you need to smack her in the face and say that's enough of your shit you fucking bitch!

Sheila Broflovski: Kyle you are grounded for two weeks.
Sharon Marsh: You too Stan.
Mrs. Cartman: And you're grounded for three weeks Eric.
Cartman: Hey! Why am I grounded more that's fuckin' bullshit!
Mrs. Cartman: What, what, what? What was that word young man?

Stan: Hey you guys I found the clitoris. I think I can get Wendy to like me again.
Cartman: Yeah I guess all's well that end's well. We can go home now. You dipshit!

Cartman: Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that good anyway.
Kyle: Cartman! What the hell are you talking about? You LOVE Terrance and Philiip!
Cartman: Yeah, but the animation is all crappy.

Cartman: You should've seen Kyle when his mom showed up. He was scared out of his mind.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman: No dude, I'd be scared too, your mom is a fucking bitch.
Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!
Cartman: Don't call me fat you buttfucking son of a bitch!
Chef: Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that?
Cartman: It's pretty fucking sweet, huh?

Terrence: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch!
Phillip: Oh, you shitfaced cockmaster!
Cartman: Wow! 'Shitfaced cockmaster'.

Eric Cartman: Mom, there's someone at the door.
[No reply]
Eric Cartman: Mom, I said there's someone at the door!
Mrs. Cartman: Coming, hun.
Eric Cartman: [as Liane walks past] Ay, I can't see the TV!
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, look Eric, It's your little friends!
Ike Broflovski: Fireman!
Eric Cartman: What are you guys doing here?
[Stan holds up the piece of paper with the movie ad on it]
Eric Cartman: Aw, sweet dudes! Yes, YEEES!

Eric Cartman: I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.
Kyle: Your "behind"?
Eric Cartman: I have to say "behind" because I get shocked if I say "ass".
[VChip activates]
Eric Cartman: AGH!

Cartman, Kyle, Stan: [singing] Why did our mothers start this war? What the fuck are they fighting for? When did this song become a marathon?

Cartman: You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman.
Cartman: Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club and all because she's a big fat stupid bit...
Kyle: Don't say it, Cartman.
Cartman: Well...
Kyle: Don't do it, Cartman.
Cartman: Well...
Kyle: I'm warning you!
Cartman: Okay, okay.
Kyle: I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a...
Cartman: Well... Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, she a bitch to all the boys and girls.
Kyle: Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!
Cartman: On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch, then on Sunday just to be different she's a super king kamehameha bee-otch! Come on, you all know the words. Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this.
[sings the song in four different languages]
Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!
[Mrs. Broflovski turns up, the children gasp and Cartman doesn't notice]
Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch!
Stan: Uh, Cartman?
Cartman: Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. I really mean it, Kyle's mom... She's a big fat fucking biiitch! Big old fat fucking bitch, that mom... Yeah! Chaa!
[the children stare at Cartman]
Cartman: What?
[Cartman turns around seeing Mrs. Broflovski]
Cartman: Oh... Fuck!

"South Park: Pinkeye (#1.7)" (1997)
Cartman: I just want to say: I love you guys, I do... except you Kyle.

Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor, they took out a second mortgage on their cardboard box.

Stan Marsh: [dressed as Raggedy Andy for Halloween night] I bet I get more candy than you, dude!
Cartman: Are you crazy? I'm the candy master!
Stan Marsh: No no, you're the ass master. There's a difference.
Cartman: Hey! I'm not the one who walks around all day looking like Pippy Longstocking!
Stan Marsh: Oh yeah? Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Crackwhore Magazine!
Cartman: God dammit! My mom's not on the cover of Crackwhore Magazine!

Cartman: Damnit! We'll never get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!
Stan Marsh: Yeah! That's it, Kenny, you can't trick-or-treat with us anymore!

Cartman: Well, let's get home, start eating that candy.
Kyle Broflovski: We can eat it at Cartman's house, and see more naughty pictures of his mom!
Stan Marsh: Yeah!
Cartman: Knock it off, you guys! She said she was young, and needed the money!
Stan Marsh: Cartman, those pictures were taken, like, last month!
Cartman: [Incomprehensible grumble] ... screw you guys!

Chef: Damn it, boy! Why are you dressed up like that?
[Cartman is in a ghost costume, but it looks like a KKKlansman]
Cartman: [oblivious] I'm trying to trick-or-treat, goddammit!
Chef: Remind me to whoop your ass the next time I see you. Now get inside before the zombies get you!

Kyle Broflovski: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Eric Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

Eric Cartman: What are you supposed to be, Stan, Howdy Doody?
Stan Marsh: No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fatass!
Eric Cartman: Oh, heh, wow, you you look pretty cool.
Kyle Broflovski: Sissy!
Stan Marsh: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
Eric Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbie's all pissed off!

Eric Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, otherwise Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.
[Kenny doesn't get it]
Eric Cartman: I said it's too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire!
[Kenny doesn't get it]
Eric Cartman: [exasperated] Your... your family is poor, Kenny! Your family's POOR! I don't like Kenny anymore, he just doesn't communicate...

Eric Cartman: Why don't you go back to Endor, you stupid wookie?
Kyle Broflovski: Wookies don't live on Endor!

Eric Cartman: [daydreaming while watching a video, imagining himself to be Adolf Hitler] You gotta respect my authora-tah!

Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh: [at Chef's house] Trick or...
[Chef appears brandishing chainsaws, scaring the crap out of them]
Chef: Get off my property, you brain-eating zombie bastards!
Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh: CHEF! IT'S US!
Chef: Oh! Sorry, children, I thought you were one of them!

[Zombie Pip appears]
Eric Cartman: It's the British kid! He's a little Limey zombie now!

[Zombie Kenny bites an old lady]
Eric Cartman: Nice going, Kenny! She was about to give us candy!
Stan Marsh: Yeah, she had sweetie pops.
Eric Cartman: You owe me a sweetie pop, asshole!

Kyle Broflovski: Hey, dudes.
Stan Marsh: Oh good, you're here. Now, let's make sure that we got everything. Flashlight?
Eric Cartman: Check!
Stan Marsh: Plastic pumpkin pails?
Kyle Broflovski: Check!
Stan Marsh: Taser?
Kyle Broflovski: What's that?
Stan Marsh: For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, granola pisses me off.

[the kids go to Klu Klux Klan members' houses and they give Cartman one chocolate bar]
Eric Cartman: One Tootie Bar? You cheap asses!

[about to charge at approaching zombies with a chainsaw]
Cartman: Nobody screws up my trick-or-treating... and gets away with it!

"South Park: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (#1.1)" (1997)
Cartman: How come everything today has involved things either coming in or going out of my ass?

Cartman: Okay, you guys, this joke has gone far enough! There were no aliens! They didn't give me an anal probe and they can't control my mind!
[suddenly an alien spaceship zaps him and he starts to sing]
Cartman: I love to singa / About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a / I love to singa / About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a / Anything with a swinga to an I love you-a / I love to, I love to sing.

Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm big boned!

Kyle: Sorry about your ass!
Cartman: Goddamn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream!
Kyle: Why are you walking so funny, Cartman?
Cartman: Shut up!

Cartman: Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No kitty, this is my pot pie!
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, kitty! That's a bad kitty!
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, kitty! This is my pot pie!
Kitty: Hiss.
Cartman: Mom, kitty's being a dildo!
Liane Cartman: Well then, I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
Cartman: What?

Eric Cartman: I dreamed I was standing out in a field, and there was this huge satellite dish stickin' out of my butt. And there were hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship, and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
Stan: That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened.
Eric Cartman: Oh, right. Why don't I have pinkeye, then?
Kyle: Cartman, you do have pinkeye.
[last lines]
Eric Cartman: Oh, son of a b - - .

[Wendy has just given Stan a note]
Kyle: What does the note say?
Stan: Holy Crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school!
Kyle: Whoa. Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue!
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her!
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
Kenny McCormick: [Kenny laughs; the others get it and join in]

[Wendy has just given Stan a note]
Kyle: What does the note say?
Stan: Holy Crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school!
Kyle: Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue!
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Or you could slide your finger up her pussy!
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat- oh.
[Kenny laughs]

Cartman: Stan wants to kiss Wendy Testaburger.
Stan: Shut up, fat ass!

Kyle: Dude, what does the note say?
Stan: [glances at it] Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.
[look of wonder on his face]
Kyle: Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny: [muffled] Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
[Kenny waits to see if the others got the message, then laughs; the rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant]

Kyle Broflovski: Please Mr. Garrison, can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know Kyle, did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle Broflovski: I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
Mr. Garrison: Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle Broflovski: Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison: [as Mr. Hat] Well Kyle, NO! YA HEAR ME? YOU GO 'TA HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!
[as himself]
Mr. Garrison: Well Kyle, I guess you'll have to take you're seat.
Kyle Broflovski: Dammit!
Eric Cartman: Ha ha, Mr. Hat yelled at you!

Kitty: Meow?
Cartman: No, kitty, this is my pot pie.
Kitty: Meow?
Cartman: No, kitty. Get back, kitty.
Kitty: Meow?
Cartman: No, kitty, it's my pot pie.
[Kitty hisses at Cartman]
Cartman: Mom. Kitty's being a dildo.
Cartman's Mom: Well, then, I know a certain kitty-kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
Cartman: What?

[first lines]
Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny: [singing] School days, school days / dear old golden rule...
Kyle: Aww, dammit! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again!
Ike: E bonanner!
Kyle: Ike, you can't come to school with me!
Cartman: Yeah, go home you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!
Stan: What's a dildo?
Kyle: I don't know. And I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!
Cartman: I know what it means!
Kyle: Well, what?
Cartman: [pause] I'm not telling you!
Stan: What's a dildo, Kenny?
[Kenny mumbles through his snow suit, then Cartman and Stan laugh]

"South Park: Make Love, Not Warcraft (#10.8)" (2006)
Eric Cartman: You can just hang around outside in the sun all day, tossing a ball around, or you can sit at your computer and do something that matters!

Eric Cartman: [shouting at Stan, Kyle, and Kenny playing basketball] What the hell are you guys doing? Don't tell me you all quit playing World of Warcraft, too?
Stan Marsh: Dude, we're done! We're sick of getting killed all the time!
Eric Cartman: Guys! When things look bad you can't just give up on the World... of Warcraft...
Kyle: We don't have a choice, dude. That guy killed our characters 14 times.
Eric Cartman: I have a solution, you guys. That guy can kill us so easily because he's a super-highlevel, right? But if we were super-highlevel, too...?
Stan Marsh: We can't get to a higher level because that dude doesn't let us finish quests!
Eric Cartman: That's why we need to just log in and stay in the forest, killing boars...
Kyle: [looking at Cartman in disbelief] Boars...?
Eric Cartman: There's lots of computer-generated boars in Warcraft that die with just one blow...
Kyle: [trying to convice Cartman to give it up] Dude! Boars are only worth two experience points a piece. Do you know how many we would have to kill to get up 30 levels?
Eric Cartman: [pulls out a piece of paper] Yes. 65,340,285, which should take us 7 weeks, 5 days, 13 hours and 20 minutes, giving ourselves 3 hours a night to sleep. What do you say, guys? You can jus... you can just hang outside in the sun all day tossing a ball around. Or you can sit at your computer and do something that matters...

Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: I don't play world of warcraft...
Eric Cartman: Butters, you said that you're on your computer all the time.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Yeah, but I'm playing hello kitty island adventure!
Eric Cartman: Ugh... Butters, go buy world of warcraft, install it on your computer, and join the online sensation before we all murder you!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: O-oh... Al-alright then!

Eric Cartman: [about to get killed in World of Warcraft] No! I don't want have to start over in the graveyard!

[the four World of Warcraft characters walk through the land of Azeroth]
Cartman: I am the mightiest dwarf in all of Azeroth!
Kyle: [female mage] Wow, look at all these people playing right now.
Cartman: Yeah, it's bullcrap. I'll bet half of these people are Koreans.
Stan: [stops and motions] Oh crap! It's *that* guy again!
[a rogue griefer approaches them and begins to dance, wearing a helmet, boots, elbow-length gloves and tight shorts]
Kyle: Who is this?
Stan: This is the guy that kept killing us after you went to bed!
Cartman: [angry at the griefer] Get out of here, asshole!
Stan: He's a way higher level than us. It isn't fair.
Kyle: It's all right. He can't kill us unless we agree to duel.
[the griefer's character stabs Kenny the hunter, killing him instantly]
Stan: [shocked] Oh my God, he killed Kenny!
Kyle: [in a soft feminine voice, making a fist and holding it up for emphasis] You bastard!
[the griefer kills both Kyle the mage and Stan the warrior]
Cartman: [furious at the griefer] Don't you have better things to do than going online killing people?
[the griefer begins generating mana power]
Cartman: [running off] No! I don't want to start over at the graveyard!
[the griefer shoots a fireball at Cartman the dwarf]
Cartman: No!
[the fireball hits Cartman, killing him instantly; at his room, Cartman looks stunned and throws down his headset]
Cartman: That son of a bitch!
Kyle: [scene shifts to Gerald's den] Who is that guy?
[scene shifts to Randy's den]
Stan: [head resting on left hand] Whoever he is, he is one tough badass.

[scenes from World of Warcraft are shown; various beings mill around, then the camera pans down and a red-bearded dwarf with a mallet walks into view]
Cartman: [the dwarf] Oh, dude! I just took the biggest crap. Hey, where are you guys?
Kyle: [voice only] We're over here, by the cart.
[POV switches to other characters; a blue warrior, a female green mage and an orange hunter stand around waiting for the dwarf, who walks into the group]
Cartman: Okay, I'm back.
Stan: [the blue warrior with a sword and shield] Dude! We've been waiting forever!
Cartman: Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a dump!
Kyle: [the female green mage] If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!
Cartman: Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a frickin' girl!
Kenny: [the orange hunter, muffled] I think Kyle has fake titties, ha ha!
Cartman: [laughing] Totally, heheh.
Kyle: Come on, we have to finish the quest in Stonehaven.
[his character walks off, and the others follow her]
Randy Marsh: [voice only] Stan?
[Stan stops]
Randy Marsh: Staaan?
Stan: Hang on, guys, my dad wants something.
[Stan's character waits for his father Randy to show up]

[a group of World of Warcraft characters are planning to defeat the griefer; Cartman the dwarf is marshaling his forces]
Cartman: All right, you guys, this is it! When the attack begins, all warriors click on Defensive Stance. Everyone else, wait for Craig to cast his Intellect Buff.
Token: [black human rogue] Okay.
Craig: [Gnome mage] Got it.
Cartman: The battle is sure to be long, so make sure you have all your special abilities macroed to your keyboards.
Jimmy Volmer: [Night Elf hunter with a beard] All right, Eric. You can c-c-count on us.
Timmy: [human priest] Tim-maahh!
Cartman: This shall be a day for all to remember! Let us bravely charge the fields of Azeroth! From with...
Butters: [arrives in the same dwarf form as Cartman's] Hey fellas!
[Cartman's dwarf looks over, surprised]
Butters: Boy, this is neato, huh?
Cartman: Butters? What the hell are you doing?
Butters: I got World of Warcraft, like you said.
Cartman: [angry] You can't be the dwarf character, Butters, I'm the dwarf.
Butters: Well, there's like only four races to choose from...
Cartman: [shouts] So pick another one! I'm the dwarf, you stupid asshole! Log out, create a new character, and log back in!
Butters: [walks off grumbling] I like Hello Kitty Island Adventure a lot more than this stuff.
Stan: [warrior] Come on, let's do this!
Clyde: [second Night Elf hunter] Yeah, my mom says I have to be in bed at 9:30.
Cartman: [turns around and leads] Then let's move out!
[the others charge after him]

[the team of World of Warcraft characters face off against the rogue griefer, who starts killing them off with his summoned scorpions]
Randy Marsh: [Valkorn the blond warrior, arriving] Hey, Stan, can I play with you guys?
[Stan's character turns around]
Stan: [surprised] Dad?
Randy Marsh: Yeah, I'm playing from the office.
Stan: [angry] Dad, get off our teamspeak line!
[Valkorn walks off, and the griefer kills Token the black rogue]
Token: [angry] That's it, I'm dead!
[the griefer kills Stan the warrior]
Stan: [throws off his headset] That's it, screw this game!
Cartman: [backing away] Now, leave me alone, don't do that...
[the griefer electrocutes Cartman the dwarf with his dagger through the mallet, killing him and skipping away]
Cartman: [furiously throws off his headset] God-fucking-dammit!
[meanwhile in the apartment, the griefer just keeps plugging along]

[the World of Warcraft characters are fighting the griefer without stop]
Cartman: [dwarf] Kyle! Fire spell!
Kyle: [female mage, about to cast a spell] Aaaa...
[starts generating the spell, but it abruptly goes out]
Kyle: Ah! Huh?
[she grabs her right wrist with her left hand]
Stan: [warrior, shocked] Kyle!
[back at Cartman's basement, Kyle leaves his desk and grabs his right hand, flexing his right wrist around; Stan leaves his desk and approaches]
Stan: Kyle! Dude, what's wrong?
Kyle: Carpal tunnel! Carpal tunnel! It's... uuugh!
[pain shoots through his wrist as he continues flexing it and stretching his fingers]
Stan: Oh, Jesus, he got it bad!
Cartman: [walks over] Wait, we need Ben-Gay.
[waddles over to Kenny's desk and pulls out a tube of the stuff, then walks back, squirts some of it onto Kyle's wrist, and rubs it in]
Stan: Hurry, dude!
Cartman: I'm going as fast as I can!
Stan: Kyle, you have to keep playing.
Kyle: I can't. Just leave me behind.
Stan: We can't do this without you now! Come on!
[he and Cartman help Kyle back into his computer]

[the boys are still playing in Cartman's basement]
Stan: Dude, I'm almost dead.
Cartman: Kyle, cast Arcane Missle.
Kyle: I'm out of Mana, I told you.
[back at the game, Stan the warrior pulls further away from the battle with the griefer]
Stan: I've gotta heal.
[he turns around to see the battle]
Randy Marsh: [voice only] Stan!
[Stan the warrior looks around trying to determine where the voice is coming from, then turns around to see Randy's character Valkorn running toward him]
Stan: Dad? Not now!
Randy Marsh: [Valkorn the warrior] Stan! I've been sent here... to bring you this.
[he holds the Sword of a Thousand Truths aloft]
Randy Marsh: This sword can completely drain his Mana.
Stan: Dad, how did you get that?
Randy Marsh: No time! Just take it! Here!
[he finds that the sword stays fixed to his left hand]
Randy Marsh: ...How... how do you hand something from one player to another?
Stan: Bring up your inventory screen: Control-I...
Randy Marsh: Okay.
[Stan throws away his old sword to get the new one]

[back in battle, the griefer sees Stan the warrior about to get the Sword of a Thousand Truths from Valkorn]
Cartman: [the dwarf, alarmed and turning to Stan] Stan, what the hell are you doing?
[the griefer runs to Stan and Valkorn, about to strike them]
Stan: [clutching the new sword] I got it!
[the griefer stabs Valkorn, who screams in pain]
Stan: [shocked] Dad!
Randy Marsh: [Valkorn the warrior, moaning] Stan...
[he falls down face first]
Stan: Dad, no!
[he turns around to face the griefer]
Stan: You killed my father!
[he walks up to the griefer and strikes him with one blow of the sword; the griefer's defenses start to crack]
Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down!
Kyle: [female mage] Attack!
[Kenny the hunter shoots an arrow into the griefer's chest; the griefer picks up Stan's old sword and Kyle fires an energy ball at the griefer, disabling him and having him fall to the ground on all fours]
Cartman: [approaching the griefer's character] Looks like you're about to get powned.
[he swings back and pulls the mallet forward]
Cartman: Heeyahh!
[the mallet smashes the head of the griefer's character into bits, while the griefer, in his apartment, is shocked that he is out of the game for good]

Eric Cartman: We've learned the the four of us can't fight him alone, but if we all log in together, we might have a chance.
Token: Hey yeah!
Jimmy Volmer: We can really stick to that ass... munch.
Clyde: Are you guys dumb? We can't beat him. Not even with all of us, it's a waste of time.
Stan Marsh: Dude, we have to try.
Clyde: I've got better things to do.
Eric Cartman: Clyde, Clyde, if you had the chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, wouldn't you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't; however, because I think it was awesome, but you would, right?
Clyde: I'm just gonna stop playing.
Eric Cartman: When Hitler rose to power, a lot of people just stopped playing. And you know who those people were? The French. Are you French, Clyde?
Clyde: No.
Eric Cartman: Voulez-vous cous chez avec-moi, Clyde?
Clyde: Alright, alright, I'll do it.
Jimmy Volmer: So what's the plan?
Eric Cartman: Alright, log in tonight on your computers at precisely 7:30. We will meet here, near the planes of the Elwin Forest near West Fall. My friends, to victory!

"South Park: It Hits the Fan (#5.1)" (2001)
Cartman: Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle. I said SHIT. On TELEVISION.

Cartman: Kyle, they're going to say "shit" on television.
Kyle: I don't give a fuck.

Cartman: You guys looks here. In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe. This could explain how Kyle got it in his vagina.

Cartman: Kyle, you are being a Negative Nancy.

Eric Cartman: You seem a little irritable Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?

Ms. Choksondik: Alright children, in lew of the common usage, I'm supposed to clarify the school's position on the word "shit".
Stan Marsh: Wow! We can say shit in the school now?
Kyle: This is ridiculous. Just because they say it on TV, it's alright?
Ms. Choksondik: Yes, but only in the figurative noun form or the adjective form?
Eric Cartman: Huh?
Ms. Choksondik: You can only use it in the nonliteral sense. For instance,
[writes on the board]
Ms. Choksondik: "That's a shitty picture of me" is now fine. However, the literal noun form of
[writes on the board]
Ms. Choksondik: "This is a picture of shit" is still naughty.

Eric Cartman: I don't get it.
Stan Marsh: Me neither.
Ms. Choksondik: The adjective form is now also acceptable. For example,
[writes on the board]
Ms. Choksondik: "The weather outside is shitty". However, the literal adjective is not appropriate. For example,
[writes on board]
Ms. Choksondik: "My bad diarrhea made the inside of the toilet all shitty and I had to clean it with a rag which then also became shitty". That's right out
[crosses out the sentence]
Timmy: Shhhhhhit,
Ms. Choksondik: Very good, Timmy.
Butters: Ms. Choksondik, can we say on the expletive, like "Oh shit!" or "Shit on a shingle"?
Ms. Choksondik: Yes, that's now fine.
Eric Cartman: Wow! This is gonna be great! A whole new word!
Kyle: [angrily] It's not new! I'm gonna look "shit" up in the encyclopedia and prove it.
Eric Cartman: Don't my Kyle everyone, he's just got a little sand in his vagina.
Kyle: [bangs on desk] THERE'S NO SAND IN MY VAGINA!
Ms. Choksondik: Boys, watch your language! Shit!

Cartman: [to class] Don't mind Kyle everyone, he's just got a little sand in his vagina.

Man: [singing] Old MacDonald took a shit.

Stan Marsh: This sucks. Now that "shit"'s out, it isn't fun to say it anymore.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, they've taken all the fun out of "shit". We're gonna have to say other bad words like "cock" and "fuck" and "mee krob".
Stan Marsh: What's mee krob?
Eric Cartman: You know, that stuff you get as an appetizer at Thai food restaurants. Mee krob is way grosser than shit, dude. I'd scarf down a whole, wet bucket full of shit before I ate another plate of mee krob.

Cartman: So please, everyone, From now on you've got to try and watch your language.

"South Park: Weight Gain 4000 (#1.2)" (1997)
Cartman: I am not fat, I'm big-boned.
Kyle: Jay Leno's chin is big-boned. You're a big fat ass.
Cartman: Nuh-uh!
Kyle: Cartman, you have such a big fat ass that when you walk down the street people say, "GODDAMMIT, that's a big fat ass!"
Man: Goddamn it, that's a big fat ass!
Cartman: Hey!

Stan Marsh: Cartman doesn't know a rain forest from a pop-tart!
Cartman: Yeah, I do! Pop-tarts are frosted!

Stan Marsh: Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.
Stan Marsh: Dolphins are way smarter than you!
Cartman: If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?
Stan Marsh: Dolphins don't live in igloos, that's Eskimos!
Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, what's the difference? It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap!

Cartman: Beefcake!

Kyle: What are you drinking, Cartman?
Cartman: Weight Gain 4000. It's helping me bulk up.
Stan: Bulk up to what? Fat ass?
Kyle: Super fat ass?

Cartman: This is sweet. Camera crews are setting up, and I'm lookin' totally ripped. Beefcake. Beefcake.

Cartman: I'm gonna be on television. I'm gonna be on television.
Stan: We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy.
Cartman: Oh, stop defending your girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish.
Stan: Dude, dolphins aren't stupid. They're inteligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonaise.
Stan: Dolphins are way smarter than you.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? If they're so smart, how come they live in igloos?
Stan: Dude, that's not dolphins, that's Eskimos.
Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, it's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.

Mr. Garrison: Congratulations, Eric, on writing the award-winning paper.
Cartman: Kick ass.
Stan: That's impossible. Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart.
Cartman: Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.

Kyle: Hey Stan. Did you see that rainbow this morning?
Stan: Yeah. It was huge.
Cartman: Eh. I hate those things.
Kyle: Nobody hates rainbows.
Stan: Yeah. What's there to hate about rainbows?
Cartman: Well, you know. You'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and they'll come marching in, and crawl up your leg, and start biting the inside of your ass, and you'll be all like, "Hey. Get out of my ass you stupid rainbows."
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm talking about rainbows. I hate those friggin' things.
Kyle: Rainbows are those little arches of color that show up during a rainstorm.
Cartman: Oh. RainBOWS. Oh yeah, I like those. Those are cool.
Stan: What were you talking about?
Cartman: Huh? Oh nothing. Forget it.
Kyle: No. What marches in, crawls up your leg-...
Cartman: Nothing.
Kyle: ...and starts biting the inside of your ass?
Cartman: Nothing.

Cartman: Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcake.

"South Park: Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut (#1.13)" (1998)
Chief Runningwater: You mother is what we Native Americans refer to as "Bear With WIDE Canyon".
Eric Cartman: What do you mean?
Chief Runningwater: She is "Doe Who Cannot Keep Legs Together".
Eric Cartman: Huh?
Chief Runningwater: Your mom's a slut.
Eric Cartman: AY!

[last lines]
Voiceover: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison? Is it Jimbo? Or is it Officer Barbrady? Or could it be Ned? Or Mr. Broflovski? Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park... in just four weeks.
Cartman: What? Son of a bitch!

Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, Kitty, this MY potpie!
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: Noooo, Kitty, you can't HAVE any!
Kitty: Meow.

Eric Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Eric Cartman: Sure, hon.
Eric Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
Liane Cartman: Uh-huh
Eric Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?
Liane Cartman: Yes?
Liane Cartman: Well, what's your question, hon?
Liane Cartman: Oh!
Eric Cartman: I wanna know where I came from.
Liane Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other...
Eric Cartman: Uh-huh...
Liane Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
Eric Cartman: So WHO put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?

Eric Cartman: [having a tea party with his toys] More tea, Rumpertumskin?
Eric Cartman: [as Rumpertumskin] Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.
Eric Cartman: Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?
Eric Cartman: [as Clyde Frog] I think you're a big fat piece of crap.
Eric Cartman: AY!

Eric Cartman: [gangsta] I was just hanging out in the SPC, kicking it with some homies on the West siide...
Kyle Broflovski: Cartman, you live on the EAST side!

Chef: [singing] When a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man... well, actually, sometimes the man doesn't really LOVE the woman, but he acts like he does because he want to get a little action, heh-heh. The magic starts to happen, and the two take off their clothes / they caress and hug each other until the part of the man grows / They're rolling around and things are really starting to get hot! And the man says, 'I love you' and the woman says, "Hang on a minute, I gotta go to the bathroom." So you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait... and you wait and you wait and you wait. You wait and you're coolin' down and she's still goin' to the bathroom! Finally, she comes back and she says, 'Ooh, Baby, I'm gettin' hot!' And that's when you've got to jab her foot and pump up full of...
Eric Cartman: WAIT! So who the hell did THAT to my mother?

[Cartman goes over to Chef's house, thinking he is part black and acting like such]
Chef: Boy, what the fudge are you doing?
Eric Cartman: You know just layin' down some rhymes, with the G-folk, know what I'm sayin...
Chef: Get in here!
[pulls Cartman in]
Eric Cartman: West Siiide...

Eric Cartman: After all this time, I'm actually a naïve American...

[hearing Mr Garrison slept with his mother, and could be his father]
Eric Cartman: NOOOO! GOD, NOOOOO!

"South Park: Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy (#10.10)" (2006)
Cartman: This is the kind of mace they use on bears faggot!

Eric Cartman: Hey man, I had to rat you out but I want you to know that I've got nothing against you. Cigarette?
Butters: Uhh... Sure.
Eric Cartman: You know you've gotta go with Christ, dude.
Butters: Well I do...
Eric Cartman: You could go one way, and wander around the halls without a pass, or you could see the light, man!

[Cartman is walking down the hall as hall monitor, and a kid passes behind him. He immediately turns around and points at him]
Eric Cartman: HALL PASS!
Various: Whaa?
Eric Cartman: [Holding him up to a locker and holding up a can of bear mace] YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? THIS IS BEAR MACE, FAGGOT! NOW GIMMIE YOUR HALL PASS, NOW!
Various: It's right here!
[shows him hall pass]
Eric Cartman: Okay you're cool, man, go with Christ.
Various: What? You can't just come up to me and...
Eric Cartman: [kicks him sharply aside]

[at South Park Elementary, Kyle approaches Stan and Kenny to talk with them about Ike's affair]
Kyle: Guys, can I talk to you?
Stan: Sure, dude.
Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?
[Cartman walks up to the kids as Hallway Monitor "The Dawg"]
Kyle: [continues] My little brother and his tea...
Cartman: Brahs, it's almost class time. I need you to start clearin' the hallways, alright?
Kyle: Not now, Cartman! I have really serious problems!
Stan: Dude, what's the matter?
Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
Stan: ...Wow.
Kenny: [muffled] Really?
Cartman: Damn, brah, your little brother's pretty cool.
Kyle: It's *not* cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand.
Cartman: What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some and then stick it inside her and pee.
Kyle: [looks long and hard] Stick it inside her and pee?
Cartman: Well, okay, fine. Unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and pee on her leg.

Principal Victoria: Miss Stevenson, you're having a relationship with this student?
Cartman: Yes, during class time, without a hall pass.
Principal Victoria: This is unbelievable.
Cartman: I know. It's like a hall pass doesn't even matter to her.
Principal Victoria: Miss Stevenson, I will need to inform the police.
Miss Stevenson: Oh god.
Cartman: You just dealt with the dawg bitch!

Cartman: [singing] There's fear and darkness all around you/The criminals are on the run/No use in not having your hall pass/I'll take you to the principal cause I'm the dawg! I am the dawg, the big bad dawg, the hallway monitor!
Car dealer guy: [knocks on window] Hey kid, get out of there.
Cartman: That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways.
[gets out]

Cartman: I don't believe it. She's using the Mel Gibson defense!
Miss Stevenson: I am a perfectly good person, but when I drink, the alcohol makes me say and do things I wouldn't normally do.
Police Sergeant: Well, that explains it.
Policeman #1: Do we still press charges?
Police Sergeant: Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?

Eric Cartman: Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!
[shoves student against locker]
Eric Cartman: Do you know what this is? this is the mace that they use on bears, faggot!

Eric Cartman: [after seeing Ike and Miss Stevenson kissing] HALL INFRACTION!
Miss Stevenson: [nervously] Oh, we were just heading back in.
Eric Cartman: You got a hall pass, brah?
Miss Stevenson: I don't need a hall pass, I'm a teacher.
Eric Cartman: Yeah? Well, where's HIS hall pass?
Miss Stevenson: Look, just let us get back in.
Eric Cartman: Get down on the floor!
Miss Stevenson: We're going back inside!
Eric Cartman: You like bear mace, ice head?
Miss Stevenson: Bear mace?
Eric Cartman: You're going with Christ!
[sprays Miss Stevenson with bear mace]
Miss Stevenson: Aaaaahhh!

"South Park: Christian Rock Hard (#7.9)" (2003)
Stan Marsh: You don't even know anything about Christianity!
Eric Cartman: I know enough to exploit it.

Token Williams: This Christian album better make as much money as you said it would, tubby!
Eric Cartman: [to himself] I'm going to kill you one day, Token.
Token Williams: What did you say?
Eric Cartman: Nothing.

Eric Cartman: [singing] I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus. I want to feel his salvation all over my face.

Cartman: [singing in Christian Rock Band] Don't ever leave me Jesus, I couldn't stand to see you go/My heart would simply snap my wound if you walk on out that door/I promise I'll be good to you, keep you warm at night./Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just shut off the lights.

Eric Cartman: God damn it!
Record Dealer: Whoa! Calm down there!
Eric Cartman: Who cares? I can never win a bet because you stupid assholes don't give out platinum albums.
Record Dealer: But you spread the word of the lord. You brought faith in Jesus.
Eric Cartman: D'oh! Fuck Jesus!
Butters Stotch: Calm down, Eric. You're gonna hurt the band!
Token Williams: Yeah, we're losing our fans.
Eric Cartman: Who fucking cares, Token? I can never beat Kyle now. I'll say it again. Fuck Jesus!

Butters Stotch: [to an old lady buying their album] We're not really Christian. We're just pretending we are.
Cartman: [the old lady walks away] Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.

Token: [to Cartman] Good job, dickhead! We lost the entire audience!
Cartman: Ah, fuck you Token, you black asshole!
[Token kicks the crap out of Cartman and leaves him coughing on all fours]
Stan: Hmm, guess he got what he deserved.
Butters: [Standing around Cartman, then after a while he farts on Cartman and gives him the finger] Fuck you, Eric.

Sanctified Band Member #1: [a band walks by] Is this the way to the stage?
Eric Cartman: Who are you?
Sanctified Band Member #1: We're the band Sanctified. We play metal and punk, but with lyrics that inspire faith in Christ.
Sanctified Band Member #2: We proved that Christian music can be tough and hardcore.
Eric Cartman: [sarcastically] Yeah, you guys are real hardcore.
Sanctified Band Member #1: You bet your gosh-darn rear end we are!

"South Park: Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants (#5.9)" (2001)
[about Osama bin Laden]
Eric Cartman: Ooh, tastes like chicken... the ass of a chicken.

Kyle Broflovski: [the boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers] Uh... greetings, from, Canada. Well, Boys, it's "aboot" time we get back to our "hoose" in Canada, isn't it?
Eric Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddam Canadian and neither are you!
Stan Marsh: Cartman, you stupid asshole.

[first lines]
[the boys are standing at the bus stop, wearing gas masks]
Kyle Broflovski: Remember when life used to be simple and cool?
Eric Cartman: [after a pause] Not really.

Eric Cartman: [talking to Bin Laden] Aw, Dude, it's called deodorant, okay? It's not expensive.

Osama Bin Laden: [Talking on the phone after his base has been invaded by Americans] A flippity flappity floop! Jihad jihad!
Eric Cartman: [Imitating Bugs Bunny while chewing on a donut] Meh, What's up Bin Laden?
Osama Bin Laden: [In surprise] Arrrrrrrrrrrubadubaduba! Durka durka haq!
Eric Cartman: [Looks at his watch] Uh oh 5:30 time to pray!
[bowing on a rug]
Eric Cartman: Allah, Allah, m'heh.
Osama Bin Laden: Taba haqa?
[Takes out his own rug and starts praying]
Osama Bin Laden: Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah hakadurrpa durpa adurpa hagalah.
Eric Cartman: [Takes out a mallet and hits him over the head, Bin Laden then gets up and points a gun at him] Uh oh!
[kisses him and runs away]

Eric Cartman: [while disguised as an Arab woman and sitting on a camel] Yoohoo!
[Bin Laden turns in his direction and his eyeballs pop out of their sockets and his tongue rolls to the ground]
Eric Cartman: Haduqaduqaduqa
[Bin Laden pulls his tongue back in like window blinds]
Eric Cartman: Huqadukadukadukadoo
[Bin Laden whistles then howls like a wolf]
Eric Cartman: [Bin Laden seemingly lunges for Cartman but grabs the camel instead whom he kisses repeatedly]
Osama Bin Laden: [Proposing to the camel] Oh bella, bella falafel
[Gives the camel some flowers]
Osama Bin Laden: Mi amore, fatwa, fatwa
[He then picks up the camel seats it at a table and serves it some wine]
Osama Bin Laden: Ahh, de vino! Mi fatwa! J'ai une fatwa!
[Cartman holds up signs of a screw and a baseball, a jack and a donkey, a pile of feces pointing at someone's head, a rooster and a lollipop, and Barbra Streisand]

Kyle Broflovski: [Cartman starts to follow Bin Laden] Cartman where are you going?
Eric Cartman: I'm gonna go take care of this prick!
Kyle Broflovski: Cartman he's crazy!
Eric Cartman: He's not crazy he's an idiot, I know how to deal with these people

"South Park: Die Hippie, Die (#9.2)" (2005)
Eric Cartman: [as he sees the attic hippies] See that. hippies. These are what we call the ,uh, giggling stoners. Pretty common form of hippies, usually found in attics.

Eric Cartman: [to the hippies he has locked up in his basement] Here, here's some joints and a guitar.

Eric Cartman: In my professional opinion, we're looking at a full-blown hippie jamfest the size of which we've never seen.

[repeated line]
Eric Cartman: Goddamn hippies!

Eric Cartman: Hello, ma'am. I'm working to clean up the neighborhood from parasites. Do you mind if I take a quick look around your house? I'm afraid you may have hippies.
Elderly Woman: Hippies?
Eric Cartman: Yeah, they've been poppin' up all over the neighborhood lately. Ms. Nelson next door had seven hippies in her basement; they usually live in colonies. Hm, I don't like the sound of that. Could I take a look in your attic?

[Eric Cartman is in jail]
Mr. Mackey: Uh, hi, Eric, how's it going?
Eric Cartman: [sarcastically] Great. I love crapping in a toilet with no rim on it.

Eric Cartman: I need a complete team to operate this vehicle. Along with me I'm gonna need a scientist, an engineer, and, of course, a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong.

"South Park: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo (#1.9)" (1997)
Cartman: [singing] Well, Kyle's mom's a bitch she's a big fat bitch. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide. She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch. She's a bitch to all the boys and girls.
Kyle: Shut up Cartman
Mr. Hankey: Hideho!
Kyle: Mr Hankey.
Cartman: Yes Kyle's mom's a bitch she's a big fat bitch.
Mr. Hankey: Golly that isn't very nice. I sure would like to teach him lesson.
Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, she's a stupid bitch. Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a stupid dirty bitch. Kyle's mom is a bitch.

Stan: You guys, I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas.
Cartman: How do you know?
Stan: 'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.
Cartman: Yeah, well I sneaked around my mum's closet too and saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.
Stan: What's that?
Cartman: I don't know but it sounds pretty sweet.

Cartman: [Mr Hanky just revealed himself to the kids] That's it, I'm out of here. Talking poo is where I draw the line!

Cartman: You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman: Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club and all because she's a big, fat, stupid bi...
Kyle: Dont say it, Cartman!
Cartman: [singing] Well...
Kyle: Don't do it, Cartman!
Cartman: [singing] Well...
Kyle: I'm warning you!
Cartman: OK, OK.
Kyle: I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a...
Cartman: [singing] Well, Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls!
Cartman: [singing] On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch, then on Sunday just to be different she's a super king kamehameha biatch! Come on, you all know the words!
[all join in]
Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean, old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch! Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch!
Cartman: Bitch! Talked to kids around the world, it might go a little something like this...
[singing in Chinese]
Cartman: [singing in French]
[singing in Dutch]
Cartman: [singing in African] Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean, old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!
[all gasp]
Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch! I really mean it, Kyle's mom... SHE'S A BIG, FAT FUCKING BITCH! A big, ol', fat, fuckin bitch right now! Yeah! Cha!
[everyone stares at Cartman]
Cartman: What?
[turns around]
Cartman: Oh, fuck.

Mayor McDaniels: Okay, just what the heck is going on here, people?
Citizen: Mayor, we are deeply offended by the nativity scene in front of the state office. Church and state are separate!
Crowd: Yeah!
Sheila Broflovski: That isn't all, Mayor. The school play is doing a nativity scene. It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community.
Mr. Garrison: You ARE the Jewish community!
Cartman: Oh boy. Super bitch is at it again!
Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Father Maxey: Mayor, the nativity is what Christmas is about. If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all that garbage too!
Crowd: Hallelujah! Amen!
Tree Lover: And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!
Crowd: Yeah!
Jimbo Kern: And I am sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids. If you don't want to spill your coffee, then you shouldn't be driving with it!
Crowd: Yeah!

[Kyle tries to catch a snowflake on his tongue]
Cartman: Hey! What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow.
Kyle: We can too!
Stan: No, I think it's against the law, dude.
Kyle: Officer Barbrady!
Officer Barbrady: [while stopping a car] What?
Kyle: Is it illegal for Jews to eat Christmas snow?
Officer Barbrady: Yes.
Kyle: Dammit!

Stan: [Kyle arrives at the bus stop with a box] What's in the box dude?
Kyle: It's a surprise
Cartman: Let me see!
Kyle: Oh okay but don't scare him
[opens the box to reveal Mr. Hankey as an inanimate turd]
Stan: Dude, sick!
Cartman: Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?
Kenny: [muffled] That is the sickest think I have ever fucking seen!
Kyle: Wait you guys he's alive!
[shakes box to no avail]
Stan: Kyle I think you'd better get home and get some sleep
Kyle: [shakes box harder] Come on dance, dance!, dance damn you!

"South Park: A Ladder to Heaven (#6.12)" (2002)
Eric Cartman: Alright, look. I didn't want to have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing Heaven because *one* of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle Broflovski: Huh?
Eric Cartman: Heaven could be like the Pixie-Faries of Bubble-Yum Forest: you only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan Marsh: What?
Eric Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing Heaven because one of us is a J-O-O...?
Kyle Broflovski: [Beat] What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?
Eric Cartman: Because Jews don't believe in Heaven!
Kyle Broflovski: Yes, we do! Just not the Christian Heaven.
Eric Cartman: Right; your idea of Heaven is getting five dollars off your matzoh ball soup at Barney's Beanery by lying about a hair in it.
Kyle Broflovski: YAAAAAAH!
[Punches Cartman]

Eric Cartman: Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?

Carol McCormick: You see, boys, Kenny's in here.
[pours out a bit, but the remains are white]
Carol McCormick: Huh?
[pours a bit onto her hand]
Carol McCormick: Wait a minute; this is kitty litter!
Eric Cartman: All right. All right. I drank the chocolate milk mix and replaced it with kitty litter.
Stuart McCormick: [shocked] You what?
Stan Marsh: [shocked] Dude! Don't you know what this means? You drank Kenny!
Eric Cartman: Shut up!
Kyle Broflovski: [shocked] You did, dude; you drank his whole body!
Eric Cartman: Shut up!
Carol McCormick: [almost crying] Oh my god, this is awful... and disgusting!

Stan: Maybe you have brain cancer.
Eric Cartman: You think so?
Kyle Broflovski: Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman. You might fall off and break it.

Cartman: All right, look. I didn't want to have to say this, but i think maybe we're not seeing heaven is because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of bubblegum forrest. you only see them if you really believe it them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe where not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O?
Kyle: What does me being a jew have to do with anything?

Eric Cartman: I... I can't live like this. I have to find a place where they remove living souls from your body...
[after finding out he drank Kenny's ashes; next scene: the outside of an Unplanned Parenthood building]

"South Park: Tom's Rhinoplasty (#1.11)" (1998)
Cartman: Well, I've been lickin' this carpet for 3 whole hours and I don't feel like a lesbian.

Cartman: Damn, man, someone's gotta pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass!

Chef: [gloomy] Hello there, children.
Cartman: Hey, Chef.
Kyle Broflovski: How did your date with miss Ellen go?
Chef: Not too good.
Stan Marsh: What happened? Didn't you make sweet lovin' to her?
Chef: No, no, no, she's not like that. You see, uh, how do I put this. Children, Miss Ellen doesn't exactly play for right team.
[children look puzzled]
Chef: I-I-I-In other words, children, she not a member of the *heterosexual persuasion*.
[the children still don't have a clue]
Chef: Don't you understand? She's a lesbian!
Stan Marsh: A whatbian?
Kyle Broflovski: A prebian?
Chef: You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
Stan Marsh: [to Kenny] Kenny?
[Kenny shrugs]
Stan Marsh: No, explain it to us, Chef.
Chef: That-That's okey, eh b... look, all you need to know is, Miss Ellen is a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.
Stan Marsh: Oh.
Chef: Now move along, children, you're holding up the line.
[they walk on]
Kyle Broflovski: Weak, dude! She only likes other lesbians?
Stan Marsh: Hey man, if she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians too!
Kyle Broflovski: Hey, yeah!
Cartman: You guys, you know what? My grandma was Dutch-Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian, that makes me quarter lesbian!

[the boys enter Cartman's house, and see him licking the carpet]
Stan Marsh: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman: My Mom said if you want to become a lesbian, you have to lick carpet.
Kyle Broflovski: Really?
Stan Marsh: Well, I got a Indigo Girls CD, the guy at the record store said it was perfect
[puts the CD in the player]
Stan Marsh: .
Kyle Broflovski: I got these killer Birkenstocks.
[the boys all start licking the carpet while the Indigo Girls are playing]
Stan Marsh: This is a bunch a' crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!

Stan Marsh: I can't wait for Miss Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am!
Cartman: I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
Stan Marsh: No, you're a fatter lesbian than me!
Kyle Broflovski: Screw you, guys, I am King lesbian!

Cartman: [about Miss Ellen] She wasn't looking at you, buttlord, she was looking at me!
Kyle Broflovski: Well that goes without saying, fatass. How could she help but look at you?
Stan Marsh: You guys can stop fighting. It was *me* she was checking out.
Cartman: Until you puked on her.

"South Park: Tsst (#10.7)" (2006)
Mr. Mackey: Mrs. Cartman, we have had it with your son's behaviour, m'kay? Little Billy Turner is now being treated at the hospital!
Liane Cartman: Eric, why would you do such a thing?
Eric Cartman: [insincere] I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to the school flagpole.
Mr. Mackey: You know that's not the point.
Eric Cartman: [rolls eyes] Okay, I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw. And then told him I had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could get to the antidote in time would be to saw through his leg.
Liane Cartman: Eric, that was very naughty.
Eric Cartman: Well, he called me chubby!

Eric Cartman: Suck my asshole, taco bender!

[Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters are playing Monopoly at Stan's place when Cartman comes in]
Eric Cartman: [gloomy] Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news.
Eric Cartman: I ran away from home.
[the boys just keep on playing like nothing happened]
Eric Cartman: Yeah, my Mom just doesn't care for me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough living on my own. But I'll get by, somehow.
Stan Marsh: [without looking up from the Monopoly board] You can't stay here.
Eric Cartman: [angrily] Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep, I'm out on the streets!
Kyle Broflovski: [also not looking up] You're not staying at my house either.
Eric Cartman: All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore.
Eric Cartman: [angrily] Well, what do you guys expect me to do? Stay at Kenny's house? His family is totally poor, I'm not staying with poor people!
Eric Cartman: All right, I'll stay with Kenny, let's go, man.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled and not looking up either] Fuck you.
Eric Cartman: Ha! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down, you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the streets somewhere, in the cold, probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys will be sorry when I turn up dead!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [moves his pawn] Whoopee! J & R Railroad!

[Nanny Stella puts Eric on a stool]
Nanny Stella: Whenever you are naughty, Eric, you're going to sit on this stool for five minutes.
Eric Cartman: [looks around] And what exactly keeps me on the stool?
Nanny Stella: It's the time-out stool, you can't get down until the time is up.
[pause, then Cartman jumps off the stool]
Eric Cartman: [sarcastic] Wow! How did I do that?

Eric Cartman: What the hell is this? Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad? This is just like Auschwitz!

Eric Cartman: Could I... perhaps have... *two* megarangers?
Liane Cartman: Yes, darling, you can have whatever you want!

South Park: The Stick of Truth (2014) (VG)
Eric Cartman: [New Kid hits an inflatable kiddie pool marked "Pool of Vision"] Ah, I see you have found the Pool of Vision, gaze into it long enough and it will tell you your future.
Eric Cartman: [New Kid hits the Pool of Vision again] Careful, do not disturb the sacred waters.
Eric Cartman: [New Kid hits the Pool of Vision again] You are messing with powers you do not understand.
Eric Cartman: [New Kid hits the Pool of Vision again] Mom! The New Kid keeps trying to pop the Pool of Vision!

Eric Cartman: [During battle] ... and that's when I realized what I thought was a three-headed harpy gorgon was really Kyle's mom.

Eric Cartman: Welcome, new kid. Your arrival was foretold to us by Coldwell Banker.

Eric Cartman: Don't ask why Kenny decided to be a chick, it just seems to be the way he's rolling right now.

Eric Cartman: Goddamn it, I have fucking authoritah!

"South Park: Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes (#8.9)" (2004)
Eric Cartman: Whoa, pixie sticks, 29 cents!
[Cartman slips into a trance]
Eric Cartman: Wall-Mart? are you speaking to me?... My friends... Trying to hurt you again? Yes Wall-Mart, I understand.

Stan Marsh: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please.
Eric Cartman: Hey, guys, wait up. I wanna go with you and help out.
Kyle Broflovski: No way. You want to come with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying Wall-Mart.
Eric Cartman: Nu-uh.
Kyle Broflovski: Yu-hah! you want to come with us so that later I can go "Hah hah, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or something.
Eric Cartman: I am not, Kyle!
Stan Marsh: Dude, just let him come, the bus is about to leave.
Kyle Broflovski: Alright, fine. Come on, fat-ass.
[Kyle walks off; Cartman takes out a knife]
Eric Cartman: Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.
Kyle Broflovski: [running back] I heard that!
Eric Cartman: Heard what?
Kyle Broflovski: You said that we have no idea that you are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart.
Eric Cartman: That's not what I said!
Stan Marsh: Dude, come on!
Eric Cartman: He's working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!
Stan Marsh: Dude, we have to go.
Kyle Broflovski: God damn it.
Stan Marsh: Well, hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!
Eric Cartman: [offscreen] Heh heh, you stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from succeeding!

Stan Marsh: Goddamn, that took a long time.
Kyle Broflovski: It would have been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires!
Eric Cartman: I did not. I wanna close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do!

Eric Cartman: If you want to hurt the Wall-Mart, you're gonna have to go through me.

Eric Cartman: [the boys are in the movie aisle] Dude, check it out! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks!
Kyle Broflovski: Why the hell would you want three copies of the same movie?
Eric Cartman: Because one copy is nine ninety-eight! But this way you save like twenty bucks!
Kyle Broflovski: You only need one copy, r-tard!
Eric Cartman: Okay, fine, dumbass, *YOU* go ahead and buy one copy for nine ninety-eight!
Kyle Broflovski: Okay, fine, I *will*!
[grabs a copy]
Kyle Broflovski: Huh, wait a minute! I don't even want *ONE* copy of Time Cop!
[puts it back]
Eric Cartman: Dude, you can't shop for crap.

"South Park: Mecha-Streisand (#1.12)" (1998)
[Barbra Streisand has disguised herself to trick the boys into giving her the magic Triangle]
Barbra Streisand: I want to give you a big cash reward for findsing it. It's worth a lot of money to me.
Eric Cartman: It is?
Stan Marsh: Hey, no wonder that Barbra Streisand lady wanted it.
Barbra Streisand: Oh!
[giggles nervously]
Barbra Streisand: Who is that?
Kyle Broflovski: Oh, just this really, really old lady who wishes she was still only forty-five.
[Boys laugh, Barbra Streisand grinds her teeth]
Stan Marsh: Yeah, and you should have seen her nose! It was big enough to land Stealth Bombers on!
[Boys laugh again, Barbra Streisand desperately tries to restrain herself]
Eric Cartman: Yeah! And talk about a bitch, I haven't seen...
Barbra Streisand: *Enough*!

Kyle Broflovski: Wait. Isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?
Eric Cartman: No, not when money's involved, stupid!

[Cartman is on an anthropological dig with the rest of the class]
Eric Cartman: [singing] Days never endin', massa got me workin', someday massa set me free!

Tom the News Reader: ...and finally tonight, a young boy from South Park, Colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today. Here with a special report is a quadraplegic Swiss man on a pony.
[cuts to Quadraplegic Swiss man]
Quadraplegic Swiss Man: Thanks, Tom, the little eight year old was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object.
Kyle Broflovski: Well, I was just digging around, and I was all like, 'dude, I found this triangle' and my friends were like, 'dude' and I was all like 'dude.'
Eric Cartman: ...and I told him. I said, 'Kyle, I will kick you in the nuts.' But he didn't give it back to me. So I kicked him squa' - in the nuts, and he cried - like Nancy Kerrigan!
Kyle Broflovski: You liar, Cartman!
Eric Cartman: [off-camera] Screw you, triangle thief!
Quadraplegic Swiss Man: And so, the little boy will take his discovery home and perhaps donate it to science... mwell a little later. Back to you, Dave.
Tom the News Reader: Thanks, Tom. Those are some cute, cute kids, except for that last one-he's a little tubby.
Eric Cartman: [popping up before the camera] Eeyy!

Eric Cartman: [after the boys are forced to endure Streisand's singing] Okay, okay! I'll tell where the triangle is. It's inside my shoe.
[Milo approaches and removes his right shoe]
Kyle Broflovski: Aagh! For Christ's sake, Cartman, when was the last time you changed your socks?
Eric Cartman: And I suppose *your* socks smell like the Botanical Gardens?

"South Park: Red Hot Catholic Love (#6.8)" (2002)
Cartman: Let's see. If you put food in your mouth, you crap out your butt. Maybe if you put food up your butt then you crap out your mouth.
Kyle: Get real, Cartman. It doesn't work that way.

Stan: What would a priest possibly want to stick in our butts?
Cartman: Maybe... no...

Kyle: What are you guys doing?
Stan: We had to go meet with this counselor lady... and she asked us if the priest ever put anything in our butts.
Kyle: In your butts?
Cartman: Yeah, isn't it the damndest thing?
Chef: [enters] Hello there, children!
Stan: Chef! What would a priest want to stick up my butt?
Chef: Goodbye!

Cartman: Oh dude, I think I might have it!
Stan: What?
Cartman: It makes perfect sense, okay, run with me on this. If you eat food, you crap out your butt, right?
Kyle: Yeah?
Cartman: Okay, now keep with me here, it gets a little complicated. If you eat food and crap out your butt, then maybe if you stuck food up your butt, you would crap out your mouth.
[Long silence]
Cartman: Mm?
Kyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said! This week.

[Cartman put food up his butt trying to make it come out his mouth]
Kyle: Come on, Cartman, hurry up. It's been 10 minutes.
Cartman: Jesus Christ, man. Give a guy some time to crap!

"South Park: Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls (#2.9)" (1998)
Cartman: I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor asses like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Cartman: Screw you guys, I'm going home.
[everyone realizes there isn't enough room to move]
Stan: Well?
Cartman: I'm gonna, just give me a minute.

Cartman: [referring to the Mr. Hankey motion picture] Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this? Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a nutsack!

Chef: Try my newest concoction, I Just Went And Fuged Your Mama.
Cartman: Boy, he sure ran that into the ground.

Mr. Twig: As you may or may not know, the first annual South Park Film Festival begins today.
Kyle Broflovski: They're going to show that stupid ass Godzilla movie, are they?
Mr. Garrison: No Kyle, these are independent films.
Stan: What, like Independence Day? That movie sucked ass too.
Cartman: No dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

Christmas in South Park (2000) (V)
Mr. Garrison: Okay Kyle, why don't you take the prod.
[hands the prod to Kyle]
Kyle: Sweet!
Mr. Garrison: Okay Eric, whenever you're ready
[starts playing a piano]
Eric Cartman: [singing] and, O holy night
[Kyle shocks him]
Eric Cartman: Ow! What was that for? I didn't screw up.
[Kyle laughs]
Eric Cartman: What?
Mr. Garrison: No, Kyle, you can't shock him unless he forgets the words.
Kyle: Sorry, Mr. Garrison.

Children: [singing] Sometimes he's runny/Sometimes he's firm/Sometimes he's practically water.
Man: Sometimes he hangs off the end of your ass and won't fall into the toilet 'cause he's just clinging to your sphincter and he won't drop off and so you shake your ass around try to get it in the toilet and finally he does.

Eric Cartman: [singing] Mother tries to comfort me/She says, "Here son, have some eggnog"/But I fucking hate eggnog, seriously.

Eric Cartman: [singing] Here's a little dreidel, that's small and made of clay/But I'm not gonna play with it 'cause dreidel's fucking gay.

Eric Cartman: [singing to O Holy Night] Thank you, Jesus/For being born... Fall on your knees/And hear the angel's... Something...
Background Vocals: Voices!
Eric Cartman: Oh night devine! O night/That I get presents.

"South Park: The Simpsons Already Did It (#6.7)" (2002)
Cartman: Only three more hours, sea people.
Cartman: Only three more hours and you can take me away from this god forsaken planet full of hippys.

Cartman: I got ripped off.
Kyle: I told you Cartman.
Cartman: Oh, shut up. Kyle. Shut your god damn Jew mouth. You people are why there is war in the Middle East.
Cartman: And you Tweak. Why don't you button up your shirt for once. You're just as bad as Stan with his little girlfriend always wanting to spend time with him.
Cartman: Oh God, I hate you guys.

Kyle Broflovski: Face it, guys. We killed Miss Choksondik. We're all in this together.
[Tweak starts to whine in protest]
Kyle Broflovski: All right, maybe you weren't there, but you're our new friend and that makes you culp - uh, culpable.
Cartman: In fact it makes you the most responsible. Tweak, you might have to take the fall on this one.

Cartman: It's alright, Chef! We got our sea people out of the teacher's stomach.and we put them back in their aquarium!

Kyle: Wow, that's a lot of semen Cartman.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is; the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck it out of a hose.

"South Park: Go God Go XII (#10.13)" (2006)
[the Cartman of the year 2006 is tossing and turning in bed, impatient for a Nintendo Wii, when the phone rings]
Past Cartman: [getting up to answer it] Hello?
[he gets static, until... ]
Cartman: [in a higher pitch] Hello?
[Past Cartman is surprised to hear his own voice on the other end]
Cartman: Are you there?
Past Cartman: Who is this?
Cartman: [in 2546, stops K-10 from telling him it's no one] No, no, I have me.
[returns to his past self]
Cartman: All right, all right, listen! Listen to me carefully! You need to be patient!
Past Cartman: [angry] What? Who the hell is this?
Cartman: It's me.
Past Cartman: Me who?
Cartman: Me you!
Past Cartman: What?
Cartman: I'm you in the future! You have to be patient and wait for the Nintendo Wii to come out, or else you'll wake up in the future and have to deal with a bunch of sea otters!
Past Cartman: [sarcasm] Oh, very funny, Kyle!
Cartman: It's not Kyle, it's you!
Past Cartman: Yeah? Well, you can go fuck yourself!
Cartman: [shouts] I'm trying to do you a favor, dumbass! Just listen to me!
Past Cartman: Listen to this!
[farts on the phone, then hangs it up]
Past Cartman: Dickhead.
[the phone rings again, but Past Cartman picks it up and quickly slams it down again]
Cartman: [surprised at his own reaction in the past] What an asshole!

[Cartman tries calling Butters to stop his past self from freezing again, when his past self appears again]
Past Cartman: Butters? Come on, we gotta go!
Cartman: [hearing his past self] No! Don't listen to me! Tell me to go screw myself!
Butters: [confused] Huh?
Past Cartman: Come on, Butters, it's gonna get dark!
Butters: But you're telling me not to go with you.
Past Cartman: [surprised] *What?*
[enters the kitchen to talk to his future self]
Past Cartman: [shouts] Who the fuck is this?
Cartman: [shouts] Aw, dammit, just listen to me! If you freeze yourself, you're going to die!
Past Cartman: Suck my balls!
Cartman: No, *you* suck my balls! Just listen to me for one minute!
Past Cartman: [pause] Okay, you have one minute.
Cartman: Right before you left for Butters' house, you drank a bunch of Ovaltine and put Clyde Frog so nothing would happen to him, right?
Past Cartman: [shocked] Are you spying on me?
Cartman: [shouts] No, I *am* you, you stupid asshole!
Past Cartman: [shouts] Fuck you, asshole! You can go fuck yourself!
[hangs up the phone and puts his hood back on]
Past Cartman: Come on, Butters, we're going!
Butters: Oh, all right then.
Cartman: [in the future, frustrated] God, I hate that guy!

[the phone rings in Kyle's house, and Kyle goes to answer it]
Kyle: Hello?
[he gets static until... ]
Cartman: [voice from the future] Hello? Kyle?
Kyle: Hello?
Cartman: Yes. Hello, Kyle. It's Eric. Uh, how's it going?
Kyle: [angry] What do you want?
Cartman: Kyle, you are the smartest guy I know, so I think maybe you're the only person who can understand this. You know how earlier today I asked you to help me freeze myself?
Kyle: I'm not gonna help you freeze yourself, Cartman! It's a stupid idea!
Cartman: No, see, I *know* it's a stupid idea. Because I actually did freeze myself and... you were right, Kyle. It backfired and I was frozen for 500 years, and now I'm calling you from the future.
Kyle: [with half-closed eyes] ... Uh huh.
Cartman: No, really, Kyle, I'm, I'm seriously. Here, talk to my robot dog.
[backs up to hand the phone to K-10]
K-10: Bark bark. Hello, Kyle. Bark bark.
Kyle: [pause] I'm hanging up now.
Cartman: [shouts] No, Kyle, listen! Please! I think right about now, I'm in my mom's freezer.
Kyle: Suck my balls, fatass!
Cartman: [pause] I will. I will suck your balls, Kyle. Just stop me from freezing myself, and I will get down on my knees, and I will suck your balls. I'll suck 'em dry, Kyle.
[a car honks its horn, and Kyle looks over as it leaves]
Kyle: [shouts] Aw, goddammit, now you've made me miss my ride! My whole day is screwed up because of you!
[he hangs up the phone]

[Ms. Garrison and Richard Dawkins are having sex and groaning in her room when the phone rings]
Ms. Garrison: Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm a monkey! Give this monkey what she wants!
Richard Dawkins: Oh, Ms. Garrison!
Ms. Garrison: [hears the phone ring] Dammit, who the hell is calling?
Richard Dawkins: [moans] I'll tell them... to call you back... Oh... yeah...
[he answers the phone]
Richard Dawkins: Garrison residence. Can you call... back later, please?
Cartman: [voice from the devastated future] It's an emergency! It's an emergency!
Richard Dawkins: [stops] An emergency?
Cartman: I need to speak to Mr. Garrison right now!
Richard Dawkins: [moans, continually having sex] I'm sorry, but Mr. Garrison has passed away. Mrs. Garrison is the only person here and she's rather tied up at the moment.
Cartman: [shouts] Look, asshole, this is a real emergency! Just pass the phone to whatever Garrison wants to call himself since the sex-change operation!
Richard Dawkins: [stops, shocked] Sex-change operation?
Ms. Garrison: [in a same shocking manner] Uh oh.
Richard Dawkins: [pulls out and protects his genitals, horrified] Uuuuugh! You're a man?
Ms. Garrison: Not anymore. I've been fixed.
[Mr. Dawkins runs for his clothes, using them to protect his genitals]
Ms. Garrison: Richard, hold on. I can explain.
Richard Dawkins: Explain? How can I be so stupid?
[he runs out of the house with his pants on, carrying the rest of his clothes]
Ms. Garrison: [chasing Mr. Dawkins with her robe on] Richard, come back, please!
[Dawkins does not return, and Ms. Garrison loses her faith in atheism in a flash]
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] Well, go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell! You queer!

[Cartman is returned to 2006, where he paces around the store again]
Cartman: [beamed into his body and checks again] I'm back. Wow! I'm back!
Liane Cartman: There you are, Eric.
Cartman: Mom! Mom, they did it!
Liane Cartman: Eric, you have to come home. You can't just wait here for that game to come out.
Cartman: [happy, for once] No, I know. You're right, Mom. I need to learn to be patient. I think I can wait three weeks for the Nintendo Wii to come out.
Liane Cartman: But, honey, it's only September.
[she points to the window]
Liane Cartman: That... Nintendo Wii doesn't come out for two months.
Cartman: [shocked] What? No!
[runs up to the window and sees that his mom is right]
Cartman: [shouts] Nooo!
[turns around and moves away from the storefront]
Cartman: [shouts to the sky] You sent me back too far! Hey! Do it over!
Liane Cartman: [puzzled] Who are you talking to, muffin?
Cartman: I can't wait two months!
[runs back to the doors]
Cartman: I can't! There has to be a way around this!
Clerk: [appears with the phone] Hey, kid, somebody's on the phone for ya.
Cartman: [goes in the store to answer it] Hello?
Future Cartman: [voice from a screwed up future] Hello? Hello? I know what you're thinking! Do not do it! You just need to be patient and wait the two months! Do you hear me?
Cartman: [angry] Oh, suck my balls, Kyle!
[he hangs up the phone and leaves the store]

"South Park: Jared Has Aides (#6.1)" (2002)
[last lines]
Cartman: [sitting in a lawn chair in front of the Stotch's house, listening to Butters getting beaten by his parents] Oh, man, if I was older I would totally start jacking off right now.

Cartman: [pretending to be Butters on the phone] No, I'm not watching television, dad. I'm just lying around jackin' it. My hot spicy boner, of course.

Kyle Broflovski: [Butters is frightened and in pain as the boys crank out his body fat in a crude home liposuction] You've got to lose that weight, Butters! How else are we going to make that City Wok commercial?
Cartman: [Butters keeps whining] Shut up, Butters. God! Kenny would have taken it like a man.

Cartman: Oh, my God - you guys: I think I'm having a genius moment. Yes! Yes! It's coming to me now!
[rubbing his belly with both hands]
Stan Marsh: Is that - that's diarrhea.

The Aristocrats (2005)
Kyle: Cart-, Cart-, Cartman, I don't want to...
Cartman: [cutting off Kyle] Kyle! Will you hold on, please.

Kyle: [after Cartman finishes the joke] I don't get it.
Cartman: [pauses] Neither do I.

Cartman: You guys want to hear a funny joke my grandpa told me?
Kyle: No.

Kyle: I don't get it.
Cartman: ...Neither do I.

"South Park: Towelie (#5.8)" (2001)
Kyle Broflovski: [everyone's driving around] How long has it been since you've been back there?
Towelie: I've been wondering around on my own for the past few weeks. Ya know, helpin' people out with towel safety and proper towel use. It's important!
Eric Cartman: No it isn't.
Towelie: Is.
Eric Cartman: No it isn't!
Towelie: Is.
Towelie: Wait turn down here. It's down this dirt road.
Stan Marsh: Break Kenny, break.
[Kenny turns car to dirt road]
Towelie: Maybe it was down that dirt road.
Stan Marsh: Dude, don't you remember where it is?
Towelie: I can't remember, it all looks the same. Hold on, let me get high. Then I'll remember where it is.
[Towelie smokes the pot and get really high]
Stan Marsh: Alright, so where is it?
Towelie: [Towelie talks slowly and is very sluggish] Where's what?
Kyle Broflovski: [the boys scream] The base where you're from and where our Okama Gamesphere is.
Stan Marsh: Alright, that does it. Break angrily Kenny.
[Kenny breaks the car fast]
Stan Marsh: Now listen Towelie, we've just about had it with you!
Towelie: Now come down.
Kyle Broflovski: That's it, you're not getting high again until we have our Okama Gamesphere back.
Towelie: That's my last J, asshole!
Kyle Broflovski: I don't care! You better remember where your base is!
Towelie: Oh man, why is everyone ridin' me today? God damn it.

Stan Marsh: Come on Towelie, the guy said you have the security system in your memory banks.
Towelie: Hey, it's been a long time.
Eric Cartman: You just have no long term memory because you get high all the time.
Towelie: [look at each other angrily] Don't preach to me, Fatso.
Eric Cartman: I can preach to you all I want because you're stupid!
Towelie: You're stupid!
Eric Cartman: Yeah, you're a towel!
Towelie: You're a towel!
Towelie: Just let me get high. I know I can remember if I get high.
Stan Marsh: Oh, God damn it. Alright, fine. Here's your stupid lighter.
Towelie: [Towelie smokes the pot]
[Towelie starts typing on the access code]
Towelie: Hold on. Wait a second
[Towelie pretends to figure the access code, but is typing in the Soundbits of the song "Funkytown" on the keypad door]
Towelie: That's it.
Kyle Broflovski: That's it?
Towelie: Yeah, that's the melody to "Funkytown."
Towelie: [types in the correct Soundbits of Funkytown on the keypad door and sings] "Won't you take me down to 'Funkytown'."
Stan Marsh: No Towelie, the entry code!
Towelie: For what?

[last lines]
Eric Cartman: You're the worst character ever Towelie.
Towelie: I know.

Sharon Marsh: No. That, that came from me. Just put it away!
Eric Cartman: This came outta you? You just left it in the trash can? You shouldn't a done that, he's just a boy. Poor little feller.

"South Park: Starvin' Marvin (#1.8)" (1997)
Stan: [on the phone] Yeah, yeah; we want to adopt a starving Ethernopian.
Eric Cartman: When do we get the sports watch?
Stan: [annoyed] Just a second, fatass.
Eric Cartman: You Vas Deferens.
Stan: [continuing] Hello? No, it's a ma...
[he pauses]
Stan: Vas Deferens?
[Kenny mumbles something, possibly about "peepee"]
Stan: Oh.

Cartman: See, this is what we call an all-you-can-eat buffet. Here you can eat all you want for just $6.99. That why everyone comes here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny's family because for them, $6.99 is two year's income.

[after being taken away to Africa by the government]
[sees Sally Struthers eating a cake]
Cartman: Gimme that cake.
Sally Struthers: [mouth full] No, this is my cake.
Cartman: Sally Struthers, you give me that cake.
Sally Struthers: No, you can't have any.

Mr. Garrison: Who knows what a can food drive is?
Eric Cartman: Isn't that where they cut open a chick's stomach to get the baby out?
Mr. Garrison: No that's a caesarian section, Eric, but remember there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

"South Park: Rainforest Shmainforest (#3.1)" (1999)
[driving through San Jose, Costa Rica]
Eric Cartman: Oh my God, it smells like ass out here.
Miss Stevens: All right, that does it. Eric Cartman, you respect other cultures this instant.
Eric Cartman: I wasn't saying anything about their culture, I was just saying their city smells like ass.
Miss Stevens: You may think that making fun of third-world countries is funny but let me...
Eric Cartman: I don't think it's funny. This place is overcrowded, smelly and poor. That's not funny, that sucks.

Eric Cartman: Bad, bad monkey!
[Smacks monkey on the head]
Miss Stevens: Eric! What the hell are you doing?
Eric Cartman: I'm asserting myself, its tough love. Just like my Mr. Kitty. When he's bad I say 'That's a bad Mr. Kitty, and I smack him on the head'.
Tour Guide: And here is a three-toed sloth.
Eric Cartman: It's bad, that's a bad three-toed sloth.
[Smacks sloth on the head]
Miss Stevens: Eric! For God's sake knock it off!
Eric Cartman: Respect my authoritah!
[Throws stick at the sloth]

Eric Cartman: Let me try. Let me try. We are from America. America. We are lost and very hungry. Necesito burritos!
Stan Marsh: I don't want a burrito. I want a taco. Supreme.
Eric Cartman: Y taco.
Kyle Broflovski: I want two tostados and mild sauce.
Eric Cartman: Dos tostados y, y enchiritos!
Miss Stevens: Boys, please. Not every Spanish person eats tacos and burritos. That's a stereotype!

Mr. Mackey: [Lecturing Craig in his office] I am tired of seeing you here in my office, young man. You get sent here every day, Craig.
Craig: I know.
Mr. Mackey: Why can't you behave?
Craig: I don't know.
Mr. Mackey: What do you have to say for yourself?
[Craig is silent]
Mr. Mackey: Well, I'll tell you what, young man. You're gonna be held back a grade if you can't...
[Craig gives Mr. Mackey the finger]
Mr. Mackey: Did you just flip me off?
Craig: No.
Mr. Mackey: Yes, you did! You just flipped me the bird! This is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight-
[Craig does it again]
Mr. Mackey: There! You just flipped me off again!
Craig: No, I didn't.
Mr. Mackey: Yes, you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room, m'kay? Next!
[Craig hops off the chair as the door opens. The boys enter]
Mr. Mackey: Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric.
Kyle Broflovski: Hi, Craig.
Eric Cartman: Hey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!
Mr. Mackey: Sit down, boys. Now, let's see. What did Mr. Garrison send you in here for?
[Reading the letter]
Mr. Mackey: "The boys were being rude while a choir teacher was giving some stupid presentation..."
Stan Marsh: It's just some dumb activist kids' choir thing.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, young man, Getting Gay With Kids is not dumb, m'kay?

"South Park: Casa Bonita (#7.11)" (2003)
Cartman: Casa Bonita is my favorite place in the whole world, I'll just die if you don't take me. Please.
Kyle: Sorry, my mind is made up.
Cartman: Well fuck you, Kyle! I don't wanna go to your faggy birthday party anyway! I'd rather hang out at home than have to be around you and your Jew mom for a day. Kiss my balls, asshole!
[Storms out the door; reenters a moment later]
Cartman: Dude, I totally didn't mean that, Kyle. I really want to go to Casa Bonita. I'm sorry we had that fight just now, you know, I mean I said some things, you said some things but, I think we've moved past it.
Kyle: I'm not inviting you to Casa Bonita.
Cartman: Well FUCK YOU, Kyle! I hope you die! I hope you fucking die!
[storms out]

Police Captain: Well kid, you made an entire town panic, you lost all your friends, and now you're going to Juvenile Hall for a week! Huh, was it worth it?
Cartman: [dreamily] ... totally.

Stan Marsh: Dude it's Kyle's Birthday. We should do whatever he wants to do.
Cartman: What? Fuck Kyle!

Kyle: That isn't it, Cartman.
Cartman: What isn't it?
Kyle: That isn't being nice. That's just wearing a nice sweater.
Cartman: I don't understand the difference.
Kyle: I know you don't.

"South Park: Ike's Wee Wee (#2.4)" (1998)
Chef: Hello there, children!
Kyle Broflovski: Hey, Chef! How's it going?
Chef: Bad...
Kyle Broflovski: Why bad?
Chef: Children, I heard about what happened at school today! Now none of you tooked that nasty marijuana, did you?
Stan Marsh: No, dude! We never even saw it!
Chef: Okay, because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad.
Stan Marsh: We know, we know, that's what EVERYBODY says!
Chef: Right. But do you know WHY they're bad?
Kyle Broflovski: Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem, causing disease of both body and mind, the consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits.
Chef: And do you have ANY idea what that means?
Kyle Broflovski: No.
Eric Cartman: I know! Drugs are bad, because if you do drugs, you're a hippie! And hippies suck!
Chef: Just listen to this, children: DRUGS ARE BAD. Don't even try to find out about them. Remember, there's a time and place for everything... it's called college!

Kyle Broflovski: Hey, are you coming to Ike's bris this weekend?
Chef: Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!
Kyle Broflovski: What do you mean?
Chef: Don't you boys know what a bris is? They're going to circumcise him!
Eric Cartman: Eh, what's that?
Chef: Oh, boy. Here we go again...

Eric Cartman: Dude, you don't just chop off somebody's fireman!
Kyle Broflovski: I won't believe it, I won't!

Stan Marsh: We're sorry, Mr. Mackey, mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, that's okay, just don't let it happen again.
Kyle Broflovski: We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay, that's that.
Eric Cartman: Mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay.

"South Park: Toilet Paper (#7.3)" (2003)
Cartman: Okay. Last night, all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30, at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy, the Goth chick from the Breakfast Club, was bowling in the lane next to us, and we asked her for her autograph, but she didn't have a pen, so we followed her out to her car, but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests, which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45, at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Fritas Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46.

Cartman: So how are things, Kyle?
Kyle Broflovski: Terrible. Every time I close my eyes I see the house we TP'ed. I see the tears of our art teacher and hear the screams of her daughters.
Cartman: And you feel like you have to confess.
Kyle Broflovski: I don't know what to do. Part of me feels like I have to end it all now, tell people what happened.
[Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle with a bat]
Kyle Broflovski: You know, I never notice how beautiful this pond was before. So calm. You know the world can be like that, so calm on the outside, as if nothing bad ever happens.
[Cartman hits Kyle in the head with the bat]
Kyle Broflovski: Ow! What the hell are you doing Cartman?
Cartman: I'm killing you, but unfortunately I could only afford a Whiffle Bat so its going to take a while.
[Bonks Kyle on the head again]
Kyle Broflovski: Cartman!
Cartman: Don't fight it, Kyle, it will only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconciousness.
[bonks Kyle two more times]
Kyle Broflovski: You want to kill me, fine! I can't live like this anymore, go ahead! Do it!
Cartman: [bonks Kyle 9 times] It won't be long now, Kyle.
[continues to bonk Kyle on the head]

Grocery Store Employee: Hey boys. Okay, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper. So what are you up to tonight?
Cartman: Oh, probably watch a movie, maybe play a couple of board games.
Grocery Store Employee: Nice night at home, huh? Toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, chewing gum. Hey, you kids be careful with this chewing gum. Don't go sticking it under any tables.
Stan Marsh: Okay.
Grocery Store Employee: Okay, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper. Hey, I remember you coming in here last week buying this much toilet paper.
Cartman: Oh yeah, that's right.
Kyle Broflovski: You TP'd another house last week?
Cartman: No, it was fajita night at my house.

Kyle Broflovski: You confessed?
[confused about Butters behind bars for what they did]
Butters Stotch: Yeah, uh huh; they said that I TP'ed the art teacher's house. I don't seem to remember it, but they're pretty sure it was me. I just can't get my behavior under control.
[grabbing at the bars and looking angry]
Officer Barbrady: His parents are on their way down now.
Butters Stotch: Yeah, and boy are they gonna let me have it. You just wait until my father gets here.
Kyle Broflovski: You guys, we can't let him do this.
[conferring away from Barbrady and Butters]
Cartman: What are you talking about? This is a gift from God! An early Easter present all wrapped up from Jesus Christ himself!
Butters Stotch: Well, I'm just a little asshole is what I am.

"South Park: Kenny Dies (#5.13)" (2001)
Man: [from the Wish Come True Foundation] I know, I'll bet you'd like to meet Madonna, huh?
Kenny: [rapid-fire mumbling]
Man: What was that?
Kyle: He said Madonna is an old, anorexic whore who wore out her welcome years ago and that now she suddenly speaks with an Brittish accent and she thinks she can play guitar and she should go fuck herself.
Madonna: Should I come in now?
Man: Um, not quite yet.

Cartman: Guess what I have sitting in my backyard?
Kyle: A trampoline?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: A boat?
Cartman: Better.
Kenny: [muffled] A fucking machine?
Cartman: Better.

Woman: [rrom the Make-A-Wish Foundation] So, Kenny, if you could have one wish, what would it be?
Man: What's your wish, pal?
Kenny: [muffled] I guess the only thing I wish is not to die.
Woman: What did he say?
Kyle: He said his wish is not to die.
[long stretch of silence]
Woman: Okay, and what if you're gonna have two wishes? What would the second one be?

Man: [from the Make-A-Wish Foundation] I know! I'll bet you wanna meet Madonna, huh?
Kenny: [muffled] No. Fuckin' Madonna...
[his words trail off and are hard to understand]
Man: What was that?
Kyle: He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore who wore out her welcome years ago, and that now she suddenly speaks with a British accent and she thinks she can play guitar and she should go fuck herself.
[the Foundation reps are stunned]
Madonna: [appearing in the doorway] Should I come in now?
Man: Um, not quite yet.

"South Park: Timmy 2000 (#4.3)" (2000)
Cartman: [all are high on Ritalin] I think we should go to Lalalapalalala anyway just to see Phil Collins.
Kyle: Yeah. I think Phil Collins rocks the house.
Cartman: Sounds good.
Cartman: Then it's decided. Phil Collins concert for all of us. Oh, hold still, Kenny.
[hits Kenny in the face with a frying pan]
Stan: Oh my goodness, you killed Kenny.
Kyle: Bastard.

Chef: Hello there children
Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny McCormick: [calmly] Hello Chef
Chef: How's it going?
Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny McCormick: [politely] Very well, thank you
Chef: [suspicious] Everything's fine? Why?
Stan: Because we're on Ritalin
Chef: What?
Kyle: We all have attention deficit disorder, so we all started taking Ritalin
Cartman: [talking like a stoner] It really takes the edge off man, you should try it
[takes a handful of pills]
Chef: So that's why all you children are acting so damned boring!
Kyle: That's correct Chef
Chef: Damnit, children, you don't need drugs to make you pay attention in school! In my day, if we didn't pay attention we got a belt to the bottom! Now they're tryin' to cure everything with drugs!

Mr. Garrison: Okay children let's settle down!
[all the children sit there quietly and attentively]
Mr. Garrison: Huh I mean it, I want it quiet!
[the children remain calm]
Mr. Garrison: My god Mr. Hat, these children are so boring on Ritalin. Huh, alright children, were going to learn about human reproduction, what do you think about that?
[the children don't respond]
Mr. Garrison: Vaginas and penises! Butt sex!
[no one says a word]
Mr. Garrison: Well damnit! Eric don't you have some smartass thing to say?
Cartman: [calmly and politely] What kind of smartass thing would I say Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: [grabs his head in anger] This is driving me crazy! I can't handle you little bastards being so mellow!
Kyle: Gee you seem a little stressed Mr. Garrison, why don't you try some Ritalin?
[hands a bottle to Mr. Garrison who grabs it and dumps the pills down his throat]
Cartman: There you go
[hallucinates seeing a Christina Aguilera monster]
Cartman: Woah!

Chef: [about the children taking Ritalin] Oh it makes me sick! Those damned psychologists prescribe all kinds of medicines to you children without even caring about the side effects!
Stan: But there are no side effects Chef
Kyle: Not at all
Cartman: [hallucinates seeing a Christina Aguilera monster] Did you guys see that?
Stan: See what?

"South Park: Cancelled (#7.1)" (2003)
[Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny are waiting by the school bus stop. This scene is a rehash of the series' first episode "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe."]
Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny: [singing] School days, school days, teacher's golden rule days...
[Ike jumps in next to Kyle]
Kyle: Ah, damn it!
Cartman: What?
Kyle: My God-damned little brother's trying to follow me to school, again!
Ike Broflovski: Suck my balls.
Kyle: No, Ike. You can't come to school with me!
Cartman: Yeah! Go home, you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!
Cartman: Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dickhead!
[as the boys laugh, Kyle picks up Ike by the legs and swings him sideways, whacking Cartman in the face]
Stan: Dude, sweet!
Kyle: Yeah, check it out!
[Puts Ike down]
Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike Broflovski: Don't kick the God-damned baby!
Kyle: Kick the baby!
[Kyle kicks Ike to the other side of the street]

Jeff: I'm afraid that Earth, a-all of Earth, is nothing but an intergalactic reality-TV show.
Man: My God... we're famous!

Cartman: Kyle, I swear, if I didn't have a guy's hand up my ass right now, I'd leap across the room and kick you in the nuts.

Proctologist: [diagnosing Cartman] Wait, what's this?
[a 20-meter-wide satellite dish deploys from Cartman's rectum]
Kyle: Are you okay?
Eric Cartman: Dude. You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome!
Chef: Well, doctor?
Proctologist: I've never quite seen this before, uh, p - perhaps he just needs some hemmorhoid cream.
[the satellite dish violently withdraws back inside Cartman]
Stan: You all right?
Eric Cartman: You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up inside your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALL RIGHT!

"South Park: City on the Edge of Forever (#2.7)" (1998)
Eric Cartman: Mom, I just had the weirdest dream. I was dreaming that Stan and Kyle and Kenny and I were on a bus talking about everything that happened to us, only it was all wrong and everything ended with us eating ice cream.
Leann Cartman: Hmm, would you like some beetles?
Eric Cartman: Yes please.
Leann Cartman: Mmm, beetles go good with ice cream.

Eric Cartman: Now I'm missing the new Barnaby Jones!

Stan Marsh: You dumbass, Cartman! That's not how it happened!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, Kenny just died 8 hours ago. How could he have died back then too?
Eric Cartman: Oh yeah. I guess that doesn't make sense.

Kyle Broflovski: Let me have some cake, Cartman.
Eric Cartman: [struggling to eat] I just can't eat one more bite of this chocolatey goodness, ahh, i guess I'll might just try.
Kyle Broflovski: Dammit Cartman, you are such a fat f***!
Mrs. Crabtree: [Screaming] What did you say!

South Park (1998) (VG)
Eric Cartman: Ow! That Hurt, you butt licker!

Eric Cartman: [after being knocked out] Black... Black... All I see is Black!

Eric Cartman: [after killing a turkey] I'm going to pluck you up!

Eric Cartman: My mom always told me I was cute.

"South Park: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride (#1.4)" (1997)
Cartman: Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog.

Cartman: That dog is a gay homosexual.

Cartman: My mom says God hates gay people. That's why he smote the sodomies in France.

Cartman: Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, all right, seriously. I'm worried about you man.

"South Park: Ginger Kids (#9.11)" (2005)
Eric Cartman: [leading the "gingers" while chanting] Red Power - Red Power - Red Power - Red Power - Better red than dead - Better red than dead - Better red than dead.

Eric Cartman: [to the assembled "gingers" as he plots to take over the world yet again] I will not live my life, as a goddam minority!

Ms. Garrison: Okay kids, looks like we only have time for one more speech today, so let's have, uh, Eric.
Cartman: Thank you, Ms. Garrison. My speech is entitled "Ginger Kids". Children with red hair, light skin, and freckles. We've all seen them. On the playground, at the store, walking on the streets. They creep us out, and make us sick to our stomachs. I'm talking, of course, about Ginger kids.
[slide projector clicks]
Cartman: Aw, sick! Gross! Ginger kids are born with a disease, which causes very light skin, red hair and freckles.
[projector clicks]
Cartman: Aw, nasty, yuck!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: This disease is called "Gingervitis". Kids who have Gingervitis cannot be cured.
[projector clicks]
Cartman: Aw sick!
Cartman: Gross!
Cartman: Yuck! Because their skin is so light, Ginger kids must avoid the sun.
[class ooooohs]
Kyle: That's not true, fat ass! I have red hair, and I don't have to avoid the sun.
Cartman: I was getting to that if you'll let me. Some people have red hair, but not light skin and freckles. These people are called daywalkers.
Butters: Ooooooh, Daywalkers!
Kyle: This is all a bunch of crap!
Cartman: Ms. Garrison, I'm really having a difficult time with all these interruptions.
Kyle: People aren't creeped out by gingers!
Butters: I am.
Ms. Garrison: Kyle, if you want to debate Eric, you can do so with your paper tomorrow.
Kyle: Fine, I will!
Cartman: Fine, in the meantime, shut your goddamn Daywalker mouth!
Kyle: Grrrrrrrr!
Cartman: In conclusion, I wil leave you with this. If you think that the ginger problem is not a serious one...
Cartman: think again!

Eric Cartman: [waking up and walking across the hallway to the bathroom just before he discovers he's a "ginger" Cartman]
Eric Cartman: You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille...

"South Park: The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers (#6.13)" (2002)
Eric Cartman: [Cartman and friends are pretending to be Lord of the Rings characters; they walk by a group of kids playing in a yard] Yes, we shall slay the ringworm, for that is the way of the...
Town Kid: I shall put a magic spell on you!
Town Kid 2: I have blocked your spell wizard!
Kyle Broflovski: What are you guys doing?
Town Kid: We're playing Harry Potter!
Eric Cartman: Ha! Fags!

Eric Cartman: Go ahead and play Harry Butthole Pussy Potter!

Kevin: Perhaps we could use the ring to strengthen our star cruisers!
[He is shown to be in a Stormtrooper costume]
Eric Cartman: [Slaps his head into his palm] Kevin, goddamn it.

Eric Cartman: And so the party journeyed onward: the great Wizard, the skillful Ranger, and the covetous Jew.
Kyle Broflovski: I'm a Paladin, Cartman!
Eric Cartman: Jews can't be Paladins.

"South Park: Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000 (#4.2)" (2000)
Eric Cartman: [having been found guilty of a hate crime, knocks on Kenny's door, panicked] Kenny! Kennyyouhavetogetmeoutoftown!
Kenny McCormick: [muffled, but audible] What the fuck for?
Eric Cartman: They're gonna put me in jail for a hate crime! You have to take me to Mexico!
Kenny McCormick: [muffled, but audible] Mexico? Why the heck do I have to take you all the way to Mexico?
Eric Cartman: [hits Kenny] Calm down, Kenny.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Hey!
[rubs the area that Cartman hit]
Eric Cartman: Do you still have that battery powered toy truck you got last Christmas?
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes.
Eric Cartman: Well come on! I don't have much time!

Eric Cartman: [Cartman and Kenny are being chased] Dammit, Kenny! Can't this thing go any faster?
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Why don't you keep your head down?

Kyle Broflovski: Hey, fat-ass, how's prison?
Eric Cartman: Well it sucks balls, what do you think?
Stan Marsh: Cartman, why the hell did you have to commit a hate-crime? We're gonna lose to girls because of you!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, so you've gotta bust out of here.
Kyle Broflovski: So we've baked you this cake. There's an ail-nay ile-fay inside of it.
Eric Cartman: A what?
Kyle Broflovski: An ail-nay ile-fay.
Eric Cartman: What's that?
Kyle Broflovski: Listen, agot-fay! An ail-nay ile-fay so you can et-gay out of ison-pray!
Stan Marsh: Yeah, you stupid um-ass-day!
Eric Cartman: I would love to eat a cake, you guys, but they don't let us take anything back to the cells from here.
Kyle Broflovski: They ont-day? Why the ell-hay ot-nay? It ook-tay our-fay ours-hay to ake-bay this od-damn-gay ake-cay and now they otally-tay ew-scray!
Stan Marsh: [confused] ... yeah.

"South Park: The Jeffersons (#8.6)" (2004)
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Freeze, Jefferson, the gig is up. you are wanted for child molestation!
Cartman: No! I am sick and tired of people harrassing Mr. Jefferson. All I've been hearing since Mr. Jefferson moved here are sick lies: that he molests children, that he's a bad father, that he had plastic surgery.
Michael Jackson: That's ignorant.
[His chin falls off. He puts it back on]
Cartman: Sure, maybe Mr. Jefferson is a little different. But that's because he had to work all the time when he was young and missed out on his childhood. What's wrong with wanting to have the innocence and beauty of a child?
Kyle: All right, let's just say all the bad things said about Mr. Jefferson are lies. Let's just say the police do just go around spending their time framing people for crimes they didn't commit. Let's say it's all made up and Mr. Jefferson is just a nice guy who is trying to be a child because he never had a childhood. Well that's fine, except he has children now, and when people have children, they have to GROW UP!
Michael Jackson: You're right. I've been so obsessed with my childhood that I've forgotten about Blanket's. I thought having lot's of rides and toys was enough, but Blanket doesn't need a playmate. He needs a father and a normal life. Blanket, I wanna give away all my money. I wanna get a normal job and take a shot at raising you in a normal setting.
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Well, if you're gonna give away all your money, I guess we'll drop the charges. No point in putting another poor black man in jail.
Kyle: All right. Things just might work out.

Cartman: Kyle, if you mess this up, so help me God I will rip your balls of with my bare hands! WITH MY BARE HANDS, GODDAMN YOU!

Cartman: Excuse my French, Mrs Marsh but you can suck my fat hairy balls.

"South Park: Cartman Joins NAMBLA (#4.5)" (2000)
Eric Cartman: Okay, we'll try this again.
[types on the computer]
Eric Cartman: 'Hi everyone. I am a young boy looking for fun times with older male. I like to...
[lots of dialogue boxes pop up at once]
Eric Cartman: Oh, this one looks good. "HungDaddy".
[types back]
Eric Cartman: 'Hello, HungDaddy.'
[gets immediate response]
Eric Cartman: [reading the answer] "Hi. I'm eight and a half inches". Damn dude, this guy's tiny! He must be a dwarf.
[types back]
Eric Cartman: 'Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. Midgets piss me off.' Frowny face.

Eric Cartman: Well, I guess nowadays, they allow any old schmuck into NAMBLA.

Cartman: [chatting with an older man] "I'm eight and a half inches." Whoa, this guy's tiny. He must be a dwarf.
Cartman: "I don't want to be friends with a midget. Midgets piss me off." Frowny-face.

"South Park: Damien (#1.10)" (1998)
Pip: Oh Eric, I didn't get an invitation.
Eric Cartman: Hmm, what could I have done with Pip's invitation? Pip's invitation... Pip's invitation... Oh, I remember. I shoved it up my ass. That's right. I wrote it up, put in an envelope, sealed it, and
Eric Cartman: shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance of you coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip ol' chap.

Cartman: Wendy, you are to get me the Yellow Mega Man. Which was supposed to be a gift given by Kenny, but Kenny has been turned into a duckbill platypus.

Cartman: Oh and look what Kyle's got me, it's a red Megam... Ants in the Pants, Ants in the Pa... Ants in the Pants!
Kyle: It's a game dude, it's really fun.
Cartman: You son of a bitch. You were supposed to get me the red Megaman. Now I can't make Ultra Mega Megaman, you dirty cheap ass piece of crap.
Kyle: They were all out of them, dude.
Cartman: I hate you. I want you to die.

"South Park: Tonsil Trouble (#12.1)" (2008)
[repeated line]
Eric Cartman: I'm not just sure, I'm HIV positive.

Eric Cartman: Nobody likes Jimmy Buffett, except for frat boys and alcoholic chicks from the South!

Kyle Broflovski: Will you stop it with that? What part of this is funny to you?
Eric Cartman: Kyle, we need to try to find out...
Kyle Broflovski: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?
Eric Cartman: I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
Kyle Broflovski: Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV positive! This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, so shut the fuck up!
Eric Cartman: Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know, you know, sometimes when things seem their darkest, you just need to try and stay... HIV positive, but if you want to be so HIV negative all the time...
Eric Cartman: Are you sure?
Kyle Broflovski: YES!
Eric Cartman: Are you HIV positive?
[Kyle punches him in the face]
Eric Cartman: Ah! Ow! Fuck, Kyle!

"South Park: The Return of Chef (#10.1)" (2006)
Chef: Hello there, children!
The Boys: Hey Chef.
Chef: How's it going?
Kyle: Good.
Chef: Well, how about I meet you boys after work and we make love?
Eric Cartman: Excuse me?
Chef: Come on, children. You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweet love.
Kyle: Chef? Are you okay?
Chef: I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle.
Stan: Dude, what are you saying?
Chef: [singing] I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children.
Stan: [after a long pause] WHAT?

Eric Cartman: [Chef has impaled himself by falling, and has his face chewed off by a bear and a lion] Wait, maybe he's still alive, they say that just after you die...
Chef: [Farts and sprays diarrhea]
Eric Cartman: [pause] Alright, let's go.

Super Adventure Club Head Explorer: That's what the Super Adventure Club does.
Eric Cartman: Huh?
Adventurer #2: We travel the world and have sex with children.
Adventurer #3: Yes, what else would we do?

"South Park: Cartoon Wars: Part 1 (#10.3)" (2006)
Eric Cartman: Do you have any idea what it's like? Everywhere I go, "Hey Cartman, you must like Family Guy, right?" "Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy, Cartman." I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes, they are inherent to a story! Deep, situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a POINT! Not just one interchangeable joke after another!

Eric Cartman: How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time?
Kyle Broflovski: Uh...

Eric Cartman: It's simple television economics, Kyle. All it takes to kill a show forever is get one episode pulled. If we convince the network to pull this episode for the sake of Muslims, then the Catholics can demand a show they don't like get pulled. And then people with disabilities can demand another show get pulled. And so on and so on, until Family Guy is no more! It's exactly what happened to Laverne & Shirley.

"South Park: ManBearPig (#10.6)" (2006)
Eric Cartman: We have to get going.
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, we've got school
Al Gore: I can get you all excused from school.
Eric Cartman: You... got that kind of power?

Eric Cartman: [to himself while the others are sleeping] All that treasure. It's all mine! So long as these greedy assholes don't find out about it. You would all just love to get your hands on my treasure wouldn't you? Even though I found it, you would love to think it's somehow yours too. God, I hate you guys.
[to Kyle]
Eric Cartman: Especially you, you money-grubbing snake in the grass.
[leans in so his face is about half an inch away from Kyle's]
Eric Cartman: Well I've got news for you Kyle. You're never going to get my treasure. I've got a little plan going: to get the treasure out of here without you ever knowing.
Kyle Broflovski: [wakes up] C-Cartman?
Eric Cartman: [pause] Oh, hey Kyle. How's it going?
Kyle Broflovski: Dude, what are you doing?
Eric Cartman: Not much. You know, just hanging out.
Eric Cartman: How you been, man? Good?
Kyle Broflovski: Dude, get away from me!
Eric Cartman: Yeah, nice talking with you, Kyle. See you around.
[slowly withdraws]

Kyle Broflovski: Cartman, you've got to swim! Kick with your legs!
Eric Cartman: I can't kick.
Kyle Broflovski: Yes, you can.
Eric Cartman: I can't kick, you just have to save me.
Kyle Broflovski: I need your help!
Eric Cartman: No, you just have to save me.

"South Park: Gnomes (#2.17)" (1998)
Kyle Broflovski: [One of the Underpants Gnomes stays behind and is stared at]
Kyle Broflovski: Shh! Don't scare him!
Stan Marsh: Hey, there... little guy!
Eric Cartman: Bad!
[Hits the Gnome with a stick]
Kyle Broflovski: Cartman!
Eric Cartman: What?
Kyle Broflovski: Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick?
Eric Cartman: Well look at him... he's all... well... you know... look at him.
[Hits it again]
Underpants Gnome: Is that all you got, Pussy?
Eric Cartman: What?
Stan Marsh: Hey! He talked!
Eric Cartman: Yeah! He just called me a pussy! I'm not a pussy! You're a pussy!
Underpants Gnome: You're a pussy, Pussy!
Eric Cartman: AY!
Stan Marsh: Dude, why are you taking Tweek's underpants?
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, look what you're doing to this poor kid!
Stan Marsh: AUGH!
Underpants Gnome: Stealing underpants BIG BUISNESS!
Stan Marsh: Buisness? Wait! Do you know anything about buisness?
Underpants Gnome: Sure! That's what gnomes do!
Kyle Broflovski: Show us!
Underpants Gnome: Okay! Follow Me!
[They follow him]
Eric Cartman: [Muttering] Little Pussy Gnome! Don't call me a pussy! Pussy Gnome!

Tweek: [Tweek's family coffee shop is failing] We're all going broke. We'll starve and die! Like dogs!
Eric Cartman: Tweek, calm down. If your family gets poor, you just go on welfare. Look at Kenny's family - they're prefectly happy being poor and on welfare, right Kenny?
Kenny McCormick: [muffled from his parka] Fuck you!
Eric Cartman: [laughs] You suck, Kenny

Eric Cartman: [Sees an Underpants Gnome] Well, I'll be God-damned...

"South Park: The Ring (#13.1)" (2009)
Eric Cartman: Kenny, you're gonna let a girl put her mouth on your wiener? Do you know how disgusting that is? Girls' mouths are full of germs!

Eric Cartman: Your girlfriend is a slut, dude.
Kenny McCormick: [pause] Woohoo!
[he runs off jumping for joy]
Eric Cartman: He took it pretty well.

[after Tammy performs fellatio on Kenny, he contracts syphilis and dies]
Eric Cartman: I told him. The woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I said.
Kyle Broflovski: Well, now we know.
Eric Cartman: And knowing's half the battle.

"South Park: Red Sleigh Down (#6.17)" (2002)
[they've boarded Santa's spare sleigh]
Kyle: How do we start this thing?
Gnome: You just have to call out the reindeer's name.
Cartman: Oh yeah. On Dasher. On Prancer. On Comet...
Gnome: No, no, they're all dead. You have to call out the new ones. On Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace and Chantel, on Skippy, and Rainbow and Patches and Montel.

[Jesus leads the boys on the way to the exit with Santa Claus, then stops at the foot of the stairway and turns around]
Jesus: [shouts] Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on the roof!
[an Iraqi soldier comes down the stairs behind him]
Kyle: [shouts] Jesus, behind you!
[Jesus looks at the boys, and gets shot in the back]
Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [slow motion, in shock] Jesus!
[in slow motion, Jesus wobbles a bit and falls to the floor]
Santa Claus: [in slow motion shock] No!
[he shoots the soldier dead, then runs up to Jesus and holds him in his arms as the motion returns to normal]
Santa Claus: Jesus! Jesus!
[Jesus stammers a bit, but nothing comes out of his mouth]
Santa Claus: No... don't worry, Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.
Jesus: [groaning] You're a... bad liar.
[the boys are speechless]
Jesus: [continues groaning] Yea. But we sure gave them one hell of a fight, huh?
Santa Claus: We sure did, Jesus.
Stan: [finding his voice] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Jesus: [groans] Santa?
Santa Claus: [quickly answers] I'm here, Jesus.
Jesus: [voice turns to a whisper] Don't... don't ever... let them take away... our... Christmas spirit.
[he dies, and his halo vanishes from sight]
Stan: Oh my God. The Iraqis killed Jesus.
Kyle: You bastards.

Eric Cartman: This is Baghdad? God, what a shithole.
[Jesus looks at him]
Eric Cartman: I mean, oh wow, these poor, unfortunate people.

"South Park: Imaginationland: Episode II (#11.11)" (2007)
Eric Cartman: Well, we're here now. That's all that matters.
[places a bowl of nuts on the table]
Eric Cartman: Care for some nuts? Oh, that's right. I guess you'll be chock full of nuts in just a few minutes.

Eric Cartman: By the way, I should tell you that I haven't had a chance to shower while making my way up here. My balls are
Eric Cartman: extra vinegary.

Eric Cartman: Now, Kyle, when you're sucking my balls, are you gonna think about how right I was about the leprechaun or
Eric Cartman: are you just gonna try and focus how rough and salty my balls feel in your mouth?
Kyle Broflovski: Let's just do it!
Eric Cartman: In time, Kyle. You certainly are eager for balls, aren't you? Are you ball famished? Ball starving? You see, Kyle, I wonder if at this moment, you're actually...
[klaxons blare]

"South Park: The Red Badge of Gayness (#3.14)" (1999)
Stan: You can't just show up to a Civil War re-enactment dressed up like General Lee, fatass.
Cartman: Oh really? I'm pretty sure I just did.

Cartman: Dear you guys. Words cannot express how much I hate you guys. As we fight our way northward into the great unknown, only that one thing remains certain: that I hate you guys with every tired muscle in my confederate body. We have taken Topeka and I must rally the men onward to Missouri. Because I will not stop until we have won it all, and you guys are my slaves. Because I hate you guys. I hate you guys so very very much. Yours, General Cartman Lee.

Kyle Broflovski: [Cartman is attempting to attack a fort at Chattanooga] Give it up, fat ass, there's over 100 National Guard guys here!
Cartman: [in the distance] Suck my ass!

"South Park: Cartmanland (#5.6)" (2001)
Kyle Broflovski: What the hell are you doing, fatass?
Eric Cartman: Not much, just taking my *one million dollars* out of the bank.
[holds up a stack of banknotes]
Stan Marsh: [short silence] Oh, my God. Kenny *wasn't* lying!
Eric Cartman: Would you mind stepping aside, I got a purchase to make.
Stan Marsh: Dude, can you loan me twenty bucks for a new jacket?
Eric Cartman: Ha! If you need money you can get a job, Stan! No freeloaders are gonna take my hard-earned cash!
Kyle Broflovski: Your grandmother left it to you, you didn't *earn* it!
Eric Cartman: Didn't earn it? What about all the years I spent making grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with! The constant smell of aspirin and pee! Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch!

Eric Cartman: [In a TV commercial] Hey everybody, check out the all new Cartmanland! It's our gra-hand opening! Cartmanland has over a hundred fabulous rides, six rollercoasters, and tons of great surprises! And the best part is... *you* can't come! That's right, because at Cartmanland, only I, Eric Cartman, can get in. That means only I can ride the all new tornado twister, a rollercoaster that splashes in the water. Wow! It's the greatest amusement park in the Colorado area, and nobody can go! Especially Stan and Kyle! Hahaha! So come on down to Cartmanland now, but don't plan on getting past the parking lot, 'cause remember:
Eric Cartman: So much to do at Cartmanland, but you can't come!... especially you Stan and Kyle.

Eric Cartman: Good riddance, you stupid park. You can all kiss my ass.
[Afterward, three men in suits approach Cartman]
Frank Garrett: Excuse me. Eric Cartman?
Eric Cartman: Yes?
Frank Garrett: I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout and there is a $500,000 discrepancy. Seize the assets.
Eric Cartman: [as the other agents are confiscating his money] Hey! That's my money!
Frank Garrett: There's also the lawsuit for the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this.
Eric Cartman: What? Kenny? But he dies all the time!
Frank Garrett: You still owe $13,000 more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll be seeing you in court.
Eric Cartman: But you can't do that!
Frank Garrett: We know how well your park is doing. You'll make it bad in no time.
Eric Cartman: Mr. Foon! I changed my mind! I need the park to make my money back!
Mr. Poon: No-ho-ho-way, Jose!
Eric Cartman: But I'm getting sued and if I don't make my money back, I'll lose everything!
Mr. Poon: I don't care, said Pierre, I'm from France.
Eric Cartman: This can't be happening!

"South Park: The Succubus (#3.3)" (1999)
Optician: [Cartman walks into the optician's room for laser eye surgery] Okay so you are here for the liposuction?
Eric Cartman: [angrily] Aye.
Optician: [laughs] Just joking, okay looks I'm lasering a little piggy today.
Eric Cartman: [Angrily] If you call me piggy one more time I will kick you in the n...
[Trails off due to being put on laughing gas]

Eric Cartman: [immediately after getting hideous glasses] Oh. Dude. Super. Weak. I am not wearing these. The guys would totally rip on me.

Stan: [sees Cartman has bandages on his eyes] Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
Eric Cartman: [annoyed] That asshole eye doctor screwed up my laser surgery. I have to wear these bandages for three days.
Stan: Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman.
Eric Cartman: [sarcastic] Oh, thanks for the newsflash, Tom Brokaw! What happened with Chef? Did you tell him she's a succubus?
Stan: We couldn't even talk to him, she's so evil. She has totally kept him away from us.

"South Park: AWESOM-O (#8.5)" (2004)
[last lines]
Military General: [watching Cartman's Britney Spears video] Hey kid, you're a fag!
Cartman: Lame.

Butters: [Cartman is pretending to be Butters's robot Awesom-o, and he's been giving movie ideas to movie producers] Can you believe those guys paid us a hundred dollars apiece for those movie ideas?
Cartman: [as "Awesom-o"] You should split that money with AWESOM-O. After all, they were AWESOM-O's ideas.
Butters: Hahaa, right! What are you gonna do with money, AWESOM-O? Buy some robot pants? No, we got each other and that's all we need, AWESOM-O. I'm gonna send this money to needy kids in third-world countries.
Cartman: [Desperate] Ahhh, ahhh!
Butters: You okay, AWESOM-O?
Cartman: AWESOM-O needs to rest! Feeling faint!

Producer: Watch this. A.W.E.S.O.M-O, given the current trends of the movie going public, can you come up with an idea for a movie that will break $100 million box office?
Cartman: [as A.W.E.S.O.M.-O] Um... Okay, how about this: Adam Sandler is like in love with some girl. But it turns out that the girl is actually a golden retriever or something.
Mitch: Oh! Perfect!
Executive: We'll call it "Puppy Love".
Mitch: Give us another movie idea, A.W.E.S.O.M.-O.
Cartman: Um... How about this: Adam Sandler inherits like, a billion dollars, but first he has to become a boxer or something.
Mitch: "Punch Drunk Billionaire".

"South Park: Le Petit Tourette (#11.8)" (2007)
Cartman: Alright hold on just a second. Are you telling me if you have this Tourette syndrome, you can say whatever you want all the time and never get in trouble?

Cartman: Titty sprinkles!

Cartman: One time my cousin and I touched wieners.

"South Park: Scott Tenorman Must Die (#5.4)" (2001)
Cartman: [inspecting Scott Tenorman's chili dish] Huh, this chili looks pretty good. Weh, here's mine.
[hands his chili dish to Scott, who starts eating it]
Scott Tenorman: Mmm. Ah, I don't know. Your chili is pretty good, Cartman, but I think mine is better. Try it.
Cartman: All right.
[takes the dish and starts eating. Both boys munch away for a few moments]
Cartman: Hey, this is great!
[Stan and Kyle stifle giggles]
Scott Tenorman: Eh, it's a special recipe.
Cartman: Gawh, this is really good, Scott!
Scott Tenorman: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have something to tell you.
Cartman: What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili?
Scott Tenorman: What?
Cartman: Yes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's.
[turns to Chef]
Cartman: It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap.
[Stan and Kyle are stunned]
Cartman: I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your weiner. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. I also knew that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your weiner bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents.
Mr. Denkins: Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I, I have my rights!
Scott Tenorman: My... mom and dad are... dead?
Cartman: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies. After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could tell you personally about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? I call it, "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."
Scott Tenorman: [looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what just happened] Oh, my God!
[gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger. He tosses it away]
Scott Tenorman: Oh, my God!
[vomits off to the side]
Cartman: [leaps up on the table and sings] Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah!
Stan: Jesus Christ, dude!
Scott Tenorman: [grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My mom and dad are dead!
[he pounds the table]
Scott Tenorman: No! Nooo!

[as Scott Tenorman cries after realizing he ate his parents in a bowl of chili, Radiohead arrive at the scene]
Thom Yorke: Uhm, excuse me?
Stan: Who are you?
Jonny Greenwood: We're that band Radiohead.
Scott Tenorman: [raises his head] Jesus!
Ed O'Brien: Jeez, what a li'l crybaby!
Colin Greenwood: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby?
Thom Yorke: You know, everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.
Ed O'Brien: Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool.
Thom Yorke: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.
Phil Selway: Little crybaby!
[Radiohead leave the scene]
Scott Tenorman: No, wait! Waaiittt! Oh, my God, Oh, my Gaawwwd!
[buries his face on the table]
Cartman: [walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Yesss! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott!
[starts licking Scott's tears off his face]
Cartman: Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet!
Kyle: Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.
Stan: Good call.
Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-yummy!
[licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face]
Cartman: Mm-yummy, you guys!
[screen closes to Looney Tunes-style splash]
Cartman: Yuppitibut, that's all, folks!

Cartman: Excuse me, sir?
Passerby: Yes?
Cartman: Can you tell me where the pube fair is?
Passerby: Pube fair?
Cartman: Yeah, I've got some pubes to sell.
Passerby: There's no such thing, you little smart ass.

"South Park: Something You Can Do with Your Finger (#4.8)" (2000)
Kyle: What is "fingerbang" anyway?
Cartman: I don't know. I saw it on HBO. I think it's when you use your finger as a gun or something.
Kenny: [mumbling] That's not what it means.
Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? Then what does it mean, Kenny?
Kenny: [mumbling to Cartman about what "Fingerbang" means]
Cartman: Oh, gross, Kenny! Who would want to do that?

Cartman: Gentleman, thank you for coming. This is the beginning of a great time in our lives. God has finally spoken to me guys, and he has told me how I can make Ten million dollars.
Stan: How?
Cartman: Boy band.
Kyle: Boy band?
Cartman: Boy Band.
Stan: I'm not being in any faggy boy band
Cartman: There's nothing faggy about ten million dollars asshole.

Stan: Dude, we don't have any musical talent.
Cartman: That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass!

"South Park: Hooked on Monkey Fonics (#3.12)" (1999)
Mayor McDaniels: [at the spelling bee] All right, Mark, your word is "conscientious."
Cartman: [to Kyle] What? What the fuck does that mean?

Mayor McDaniels: Eric, your word is "chair."
Cartman: Um, could you use it in a sentence?
Mayor McDaniels: Something you sit on.
Cartman: Language of origin?
Mayor McDaniels: English!
Cartman: Could you please use it in a sentence?
Mayor McDaniels: Oh, for Christ's sake, kid, the word is "chair!"
Cartman: "Chair." C-H-A-R-E.
[buzzer sounds]
Cartman: Goddamnit!
[furiously, as he leaves the stage]

Stan: Oh, my God! Fonics monkey killed Kenny!
Cartman: You're damn right he did.

"South Park: Volcano (#1.3)" (1997)
[Describing "Scuzzlebutt."]
Cartman: And he walks with a limp, because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but... Patrick Duffy.

Jimbo: Look, It's Scuzzlebutt.
Cartman: What, Scuzzlebutt's REAL?
Patrick Duffy: Hello kids, I'm TV's Patrick Duffy.

Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this, he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.
Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.
Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.

"South Park: Cow Days (#2.13)" (1998)
Eric Cartman: Mother!
[falls off the bull and lands flat on his face]
Kyle Broflovski: Get up, Cartman, you're still not staying on long enough!
Stan Marsh: Come on, Cartman!
Kenny McCormick: [Muffles] oh my god, they killed Cartman!
Kyle Broflovski: No he didn't kill him, he's still breathing.
[starts kicking Cartman]
Kyle Broflovski: Get up. Get up
[Cartman stands up in a trance]
Stan Marsh: You okay dude?
Kyle Broflovski: [In a distorted voice] Cartman, hello, hello.
Kyle Broflovski: Dude I think we broke him.

Kyle Broflovski: Hey, I got it! The bull riding contest. Cartmen can ride a bull and try to win $5000. Think about it, dude $5000, that's one thousand set of balls, that's three thousand balls. We have to win enough to win the dolls.
Eric Cartmen: What the hell makes you think Cartmen rides a bull?
Kyle Broflovski: Because you're the one who spent our money on those stupid rides, fat-ass! Either you're riding on a bull or I'm gonna break your f***ing head open!
Eric Cartmen: [nervously says] okay I'll get on the bull.
Kyle Broflovski: All right. Let's go, we have to practice!
Stan Marsh: He really wants those dolls.
Eric Cartmen: God-damn.

Kyle Broflovski: Give me some money, Cartman.
Eric Cartman: [Starts laughing]
Kyle Broflovski: Lend me money, fat-boy!
Eric Cartman: I only have three dollars left, asshole!

"South Park: Fat Butt and Pancake Head (#7.5)" (2003)
Cartman: I just can't take it anymore, you guys. All the dancing, singing, the late night parties... the Ben Affleck splooge... it has to stop.

Cartman: -whining- Mom - Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!
Liane Cartman: Oooh - the tooth fairy must have been very happy with you!

Cartman: There! That's three more songs we've written already! Your style of music is so easy, it doesn't require any thought at all!
Jennifer Lopez (Hand): Oh, si, si, si!

"South Park: Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society (#6.10)" (2002)
Cartman: [patting his toy dog] Hello, Precious! Yes, that's a good Precious!
[lowers down a bucket with lotion in it to a doll at the bottom of a well]
Cartman: Now, it takes the lotion from the basket.
Cartman: [impersonating the dolls voice] Oh, please, Mister. Please let me out of here!
Cartman: It puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again! Bark! bark! bark! Yes, that's a good Precious. Now, it puts the lotion back in the basket.
Cartman: [impersonating the dolls voice] Please, Mister, Let me out!
Cartman: It puts the lotion back in the basket!
Cartman: [impersonating the dolls voice] I miss my mom, Mister. I wanna' see my mommy!
Cartman: Put the lotion in the fucking basket!

Liane Cartman: Sweetie.
Cartman: Yes Mom?
Liane Cartman: You have to get ready for school.
Cartman: [thinks a bit, then looks up] ... No, our teacher's dead. Remember?
Liane Cartman: Yes, but they said two weeks off was enough, and they want everyone back.
Cartman: Two weeks isn't enough. I'm not over our teacher's tragic death. I'm still sh-shooken up.
Liane Cartman: You'll get over it, honey.
Cartman: But I wanna plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy.

Eric Cartman: [after Bebe gets boobs] That's fine. That's *fine*! Fuck you Stan, and fuck you Kyle!
[walks off-screen, then returns]
Eric Cartman: Fuck you, Tweek!
[leaves again, returns]
Eric Cartman: Bebe, you're still cool.

"South Park: Funnybot (#15.2)" (2011)
Eric Cartman: Token, stop giving Tyler Perry money or he won't go away!
Token Black: I can't help it!

Adam Sandler: You little shits! What the fuck have you done to us?
[bursting into the school cafeteria holding a gun and flanked by other actors]
Eric Cartman: Oh, wow - it's Adam Sandler.

"South Park: Good Times with Weapons (#8.1)" (2004)
Cartman: Okay. Go ahead, Kyle. Throw your nunchucks away. If you can. But you know damn well that your Jewish blood won't let you. You can't throw away something you paid fifteen bucks for. Go ahead and try. Mel Gibson was right, Kyle. Right now the Jew in you is screaming 'No! Those cost money! Get your money back!' You know this to be true. Go ahead. Prove Mel Gibson wrong, Kyle. Do it.

[the townsfolk consult with Mayor McDaniels about the incident at the auction]
Man #1: Well, like the rest of you, I am shocked and appalled at what happened! I don't know if the parents are to blame or if it's the times we're living in, but something has to change!
Townsfolk: [amid chatter] Yeah! I agree!
Gerald Brofloski: This is the worst thing that's happened in this town! The worst thing!
Man #2: Yeah! I mean, there were children watching that auction! And when that little eight-year-old-boy walked up and flashed his... penis... it was an outrage!
[the adults go into an uproar again]
Stan: What?
Cartman: What?
Skeeter: Not only that, the auction was televised on public access, so my little daughter watchin' at home saw the... penis! How am I supposed to explain that to her?
Sheila Broflovski: This is what happens when the moral fabric of society breaks down!
[the adults go into an uproar again]
Mr. Garrison: [shouts] You see the damage you've caused, Eric Cartman? What were you thinking?
Cartman: I told you it was a wardrobe malfunction!
[the adults go into an uproar again]
Kyle: Dude, they don't care we knocked Butters' eye out with weapons?
Stan: Just run with it, dude.
Kyle: [looks around, then stands on his chair] Uh, yeah! I agree! Uh, my fragile little eight-year-old mind didn't know how to deal with what I was seeing. Cartman should be punished!
[the adults agree, then go into an uproar again]
Cartman: Hey, fuck you, Kyle!

"South Park: The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka (#2.6)" (1998)
Eric Cartman: [dressed as an old woman] Why do I have to play the old lady?
Kyle Broflovski: Because old ladies are fat and you are too!

Eric Cartman: Was it fun?
[serving in Viet Nam]
Jimbo Kearn: Sure, Viet Nam was fun, but not going-to-the-circus fun or fly-fishing-in-Montana fun. It was more shoving shards of broken glass up your ass and then sitting in a tub of Tabasco sauce fun.

"South Park: Lil' Crime Stoppers (#7.6)" (2003)
[last lines]
Butters: Fellas! Hey fellas! I got it! I got my semen sample!
Cartman: You did?
Butters: Yeah. I was up there poundin' my wiener for two days straight, and finally, I thought about Stan's mom's boobs, and this little tiny spooge of... this white stuff came out.
Kyle: That's great, Butters, but we're not playing Detective anymore. We're playing Laundromat owners.
Cartman: Would you like those pants cleaned for four ninety five?

Ms. Garrison: Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early '60's?
Cartman: A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods.
Ms. Garrison: Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?

"South Park: Cartman Finds Love (#16.7)" (2012)
Eric Cartman: There's something you should probably know. Man, this is hard. Um, the thing is, me and Kyle are kind of, you know, together.
[trying to stir Nicole away from Kyle, whom she has a crush on]
Nichole: Ooohhh.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, he's my man. I'm more out than Kyle is, but it sucks because he acts like we're not a couple at school because he's embarrassed, but when we get home and he's the best boyfriend I've ever had.
Nichole: Wow, I'm sorry. I totally respect that. Hey, thanks a lot for telling me.
[puts an arm on his left shoulder]
Eric Cartman: Cool. So, just, you know, don't touch me 'cause I'm not into girls and it kind of grosses me out.
Nichole: Oh, I'm sorry.
[retracts her arm]
Eric Cartman: Yeah, cool. Anyway, thanks a lot, and, you know, stay away from my man, bitch.
[snaps a finger and walks away]

Eric Cartman: Love is like taking a dump, Butters; sometimes it works itself out, but sometimes you got to give it a nice hard slimey push.

"South Park: Breast Cancer Show Ever (#12.9)" (2008)
Butters: Eric, what's going on? Everyone's saying you got detention on purpouse to get out of fighting Wendy
Eric Cartman: What? That's ridiculous!
Butters: But some people think you crapped on the teacher's desk to get out of the fight!
Eric Cartman: That's not why I did it!
Craig: Then why'd you crap on Garrison's desk?
Eric Cartman: Because, I'm hardcore! Y'know, I'm anti-establishment, that's how I roll dogs, I do hardcore stuff like that!
Butters: That's what I said! I told everyone outside "Cartman ain't scared of fighting Wendy, he'd do it if he could!"
Eric Cartman: Damn straight! I just got all punk rock, and got detention y'know, just a bad dude!
Craig: OK, that's good, because we've moved the fight the first thing in the morning tommorow!
Jimmy: Before school starts, everyone's gonna get there early!
Eric Cartman: Huh?
Butters: That way, it won't matter if you get detention
Mr Mackey: [in the background] Eric, get your buns back here, mkay!
Jimmy: Wendy said she'd be here an hour before school starts, see you in the morning, ch-ch-champ!
Wendy Testaburger: [Cartman goes back to the chair he sat on, and finds Wendy knocking on the window] Tomorrow morning, you fucking die tomorrow morning!

Butters: [in lunch] Geez, I can't believe Wendy's fighting you after school.
Token Black: She is *pissed* off.
Eric Cartman: [confident] She is *not* gonna show up to a fight, dawg; I'm sure she's already trying to figure out a way to get out of it.
Clyde Donovan: Hey, check it out; she's totally staring you down.
[Wendy, who looks angry, is staring unblinking at Cartman]
Clyde Donovan: She sure seems confident. You should probably go easy on her, dude; you don't wanna put her in the hospital or anything.
Eric Cartman: [getting less confident] Yeah, I'm just gonna teach her a lesson; I'm not gonna totally... kick her ass...
[Wendy makes a fist with her right hand and punches her open left hand. Cartman starts to get extremely worried]
Jimmy: Can't go too easy on her, though; God forbid she gets in a g-good punch and b-beats you.
Butters: Yeah; if you got beat up by a girl, everyone would think you were a faggot.
[Cartman's confidence plummets and he panics, as all he sees is Wendy's face]

"South Park: Cripple Fight (#5.2)" (2001)

Cartman: Yeah, we learned how to make cakes and muffins for our bake sale!
Stan: And best of all we met this kid named Jimmy. He's disabled but he doesn't let it ruin his life - he's awsome!
Timmy: Aaaggghhh!
Cartman: Yeah, we're gonna use him to help raise money at our bake sales.
Stan: Cartman, don't say use him you big silly goose.
Randy Marsh: Son! You call your friend an asshole like a normal boy!
Randy Marsh: What did you say?
[slamming the brakes]
Stan: I just... called Cartman a name; he's a silly goose.
Stuart McCormick: Ah huh.
Randy Marsh: You do not say 'big silly goose'! You call him an asshole like a normal kid!
Stan: But, dad, I was just trying to...
Randy Marsh: You call your friend an asshole this instant!
Stan: Asshole.
[to Eric]
Randy Marsh: That's better.

"South Park: Fun with Veal (#6.4)" (2002)
Kyle Broflovski: [after seeing hippies outside the window protesting for the boys] Dude, those gaywads are on our side?
Butters: Oooh, they're all dirty!
Eric Cartman: What did I tell you, Stan! We saved some baby cows from being eaten and now we're no good dirty goddam hippies!

Stan Marsh: Will you help us?
Eric Cartman: Yes. Yes, I will... If Kyle will kiss my black ass.
Kyle Broflovski: What?
Eric Cartman: Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.
Kyle Broflovski: Screw you, Cartman!
Eric Cartman: Okay, but if you want my help, you have to give it just a little kiss. Kiss it.
Stan Marsh: Go on, dude, it's the only way.
Kyle Broflovski: No!
Eric Cartman: Kiss it. Come on, kiss it!
Stan Marsh: Just do it really fast and we can go.
Kyle Broflovski: Have Butters kiss it.
Eric Cartman: No, it has to be Kyle.
[Kyle goes close to Eric's behind, Eric farts in his face]
Kyle Broflovski: Ohh!
Eric Cartman: Aaahahahahaha! Oh man, that was so awesome!
Kyle Broflovski: Sick, I felt it on my face!
Stan Marsh: Okay, very funny, Cartman. Now, come on.
Eric Cartman: Hey, I'm not going with you.

"South Park: Best Friends Forever (#9.4)" (2005)
[the boys arrive at Hell's Pass Hospital and find Kenny in a persistent vegetative state]
Stan: [surprised] Kenny?
Kyle: [jubilant] Kenny! You're alive!
Stan: Dude, how'd you do that?
Doctor: He can't respond to you, boys. Being dead for that long caused a severe damage to his brain.
Cartman: Well... well, then he's not alive.
Mrs. McCormick: He's alive. He smiles when I talk to him, I think...
Cartman: That's not Kenny! Kenny sniffs paint and sets things on fire! Here, look.
[climbs onto Kenny's bed, holding up a dollar bill to Kenny]
Cartman: Kenny, Kenny, look. Want a dollar?
[long pause]
Mr. McCormick: I don't know if it's right to keep Kenny alive on that machine. I just... I don't know what he would want.
Stan: Yeah, the lawyer lost that page.
Cartman: Oh, I just remembered! Kenny told me this one time, that he wouldn't wanna be kept alive by a feeding tube.
Mrs. McCormick: He did? When?
Cartman: [figuring out] Um, it was, um, this one time...
Kyle: He did not say that! You just want him dead so you can have his stupid PSP!
Cartman: Stupid? PSP is stupid? Did you all hear that?... Uh, I mean... I mean, this isn't about the PSP, Kyle! This is about my friend and his wishes! And Kenny said he didn't want to live like this!
Kyle: He did not!
Cartman: Did so!
Kyle: Did not!
Cartman: [shouts] Fine! We'll see about this, you freakin' Jew! I'm gonna get that feeding tube removed if I have to go all the way to the Supreme Court!
[walks out the door]

[the crowds gather inside Hell's Pass Hospital in the battle for the feeding tube]
Kyle: [shouts] We all want the country to see that Kenny is alive, and in pain!
Cartman: [shouts] I believe the people at home see he's not in pain because he's a tomato!
Kyle: [shouts] You say tomato, but I say Kenny!
Cartman: [shouts] You say Kenny, but I say tomato!
Cartman's Side: [shouts] Tomato!
Kyle's Side: [shouts] Kenny! Kenny!
Cartman's Side: [shouts] Tomato!

"South Park: HUMANCENTiPAD (#15.1)" (2011)
Eric Cartman: It does email and web browsing and it shits in Kyle's mouth? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!

Eric Cartman: Mama, please can we go back and get the Toshiba Handibook?
Liane Cartman: No.
Eric Cartman: Well, then can we at least pull up here and get some dinner? 'Cause I like to be wined and dined after I've been... FUCKED!

"South Park: Imaginationland: Episode III (#11.12)" (2007)
Eric Cartman: You just rest, Kyle. Look what I made for you. A sundae. It has hot fudge and whipped cream and a cherry. But... I feel like something is missing, don't you, Kyle? What else belongs on a sundae besides hot fudge and whipped cream? Hmm... argh... hot fudge, whipped cream, what else belongs on a sundae, Kyle? Tsk, what else goes on a sundae besides hot fudge, whipped cream, and... oh, that's right! My balls.

Eric Cartman: Look, maybe they're all part of the same thing - Santa and Jesus and hell and leprechauns. Maybe they're all real in the same way, right?
Tom: Santa Claus and leprechauns are imaginary, but Jesus and hell are real.
Technician #1: Well then what about Buddha?
Tom: Well, of course, he's imaginary.
Technician #1: Aw, see? Now, you're being intolerant, Tom.

"South Park: Whale Whores (#13.11)" (2009)
Cartman: Suck my Japanese-imprisoned balls!

Eric Cartman: [Through Microphone] Stan, me and Kenny don't give *two shits* about stupid-ass whaaales!

"South Park: Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery (#3.10)" (1999)
Stan Marsh: Come on, fatass, we have to go.
[Liane laughs]
Cartman: Mom, don't laugh!
Liane Cartman: I'm sorry, honey.
Cartman: I can't go with you guys right now.
Stan Marsh: Yes you can, Porky.
[Liane laughs]
Cartman: Mom, seriously!
Liane Cartman: Now, that isn't funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.
Kyle Broflovski: He must have a huge bone in his ass then.
[Liane laughs hysterically]

Eric Cartman: Oh sweet. The "Life-Sized Blow-up Antonio Banderas Love Doll." What a cool Christmas present.

"South Park: Chickenlover (#2.3)" (1998)
Cartman: Respect my authoritah.

Cartman: This book was pretty good. I give it a B-.
Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, now sit down.
Cartman: Ah, son of a bitch.

"South Park: The Tooth Fairy's Tats 2000 (#4.1)" (2000)
Kyle: I've learned something today. You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.
Cartman: [astonished] Tits.

Cartman: [as the Tooth Fairy] Do not open your eyes until morning. Or else I will kick you in the nuts!
Butters: Yes, ma'am!

"South Park: Death (#1.6)" (1997)
Grandpa: You can kill me, can't you?
Eric Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Not unless they pissed me off.
Grandpa: Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell you something porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch.
Eric Cartman: What?
Grandpa: That's right.
Stan: Grandpa.
Grandpa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton and had my way with her too.
Eric Cartman: Eh.
Grandpa: Choice piece of ass your great-grandma.
Eric Cartman: You piece of crap. I'll kill you.
Grandpa: That's the spirit, tubby.

[while Cartman is watching "Terrance and Phillip"]
Liane Cartman: Eric, dear. I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said this show is naughty, and might make you a pottymouth.
Eric Cartman: That's a bunch o' crap! Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!
Liane Cartman: Oh. Okay, hon.

"South Park: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig (#1.5)" (1997)
Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, "Hey. Why don't you stop... dressing me up like a mailman... a-and making me dance for you... while you go and... smoke crack in your bedroom... and have sex with... some guy... I don't even know. On my dad's bed."
[Long pause]
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

Eric Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like, EH. You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie. Eh, woman, you shut your mouth, and make babies.

"South Park: The Death Camp of Tolerance (#6.14)" (2002)
Mr. Garrison: I'm not saying the rest of the school year will be easy. In fact, it's going to be long and hard.
[does motions for both words - the palms facomg each other and pulling apart, then two fists]
Mr. Garrison: Really long and really hard.
[emphasizes the motions]
Mr. Slave: Oh Jesus Christ.
Mr. Garrison: Ehewww, the first thing we're gonna be learning about is communist Russia.
[Starts writing Stalin on the board]
Eric Cartman: [Making a paper airplane] No, Kenny. What are you doing, Kenny?
Mr. Garrison: Now, Stalin was a big silly when it came to...
Eric Cartman: Kenny, no! Don't do it, Kenny!
[fires the plane off. It hits the board and falls away]
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?
Eric Cartman: No, it was Kenny!
Mr. Garrison: Very funny, Eric! Kenny's dead!
Stan Marsh: Yeah, but Cartman drank Kenny's remains, and now Kenny's soul is trapped in Cartman's body.
The Class: Yeah!
Mr. Garrison: That does it! I will not put up with foolishness in my class! It's time for punishmenmt!
[reaches into his desk and pulls out a paddle, then strikes it against his left palm twice. He walks over to Mr. Slave and has him bend over]
Mr. Garrison: Take it Mr. Slave!
[swats him three times on the ass]

Eric Cartman: [after exiting an exhibit at the Museum of Tolerance where random racial and homophobic slurs are yelled out] I want to go again! I want to go again!

"South Park: Chinpokomon (#3.11)" (1999)
Cartman: [as mice pick at Kenny's body] Hey, get off of him! He's not dead yet!

Stan Marsh: [after watching the Alabama Man commercial] Gay!
Cartman: Totally gay!
Kyle: Liberace gay!
[the researcher write the word "GAY" on the clipboard and furiously underlines it twice]

"South Park: Summer Sucks (#2.8)" (1998)
Stan Marsh: How are your swimming lessons going Cartman?
Eric Cartman: Fine.
Kyle Broflovski: I heard you won't even get in the deep end?
Eric Cartman: Well you heard wrong, hippie!

Swimming Instructor: Just do your sidestroke.
Eric Cartman: I only know how to do a doggy style.
Swimming Instructor: That's doggy paddle, Eric.

"South Park: Up the Down Steroid (#8.2)" (2004)
Cartman: [when at the special Olympics registration] CARTMAN... DUUUURRRRHHHH!

Lady at special olympics register: OK, now what's his condition?
Cartman's Mom: Umm... he's retarded
Lady at special olympics register: Uh... no I meant, what does he have? Cerebal Palsy, Attention Deficit Syndrome?
Cartman's Mom: Umm... I'm not sure... uh honey, what's your condition?
Cartman: How the hell should I know? I'm retarded. DUURRHH!

"South Park: The Death of Eric Cartman (#9.6)" (2005)
Cartman: Well, it's all done. My soul is at peace. I think I can go now.
Butters: So I won't see you again?
Cartman: Don't be sad butters. What awaits each person in heaven is eternal bliss, divine rest, and ten thousand dollars in cash.

Butters: Preacher says that sometimes before your soul can be at peace, you have to atone for something bad you did.
Cartman: Atone?
Butters: Did you ever do anything really bad?
Cartman: Not really...
Cartman: [rubbing his chin thinking; next scene he's with Butters as Butters is writing down a long list of things Cartman is rambling off]
Cartman: Let's see... oh, and I broke Mr. Anderson's fence and I never told him about it.
Butters: Broke fence...
Butters: [writing]
Cartman: I took a crap in the principal's purse. Seven times. Then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza. I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics. Tried to have all of the Jews exterminated last Spring. Ahhh, oh, yeah - there's this one kid whose parents I had killed and made into chili which I then fed to the kid.
Butters: Boy, oh boy, Eric, you got a lot to atone for.

"South Park: The Passion of the Jew (#8.3)" (2004)
Cartman: [on the phone] See you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do. He was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes.
Stan: [Doesn't recognize Cartman] Look, Kid, we just thought it was a bad movie. Tell us how we can get in touch with Mel Gibson so we can get our money back.
Cartman: If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment. All I know is that he lives somewhere in Malibu. Now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick.
Stan: Hey, don't take that tone with me, kid. I'll kick your ass.
Cartman: Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try, asshole. I'm like six feet tall.
Stan: I don't care. You sound like a little bitch to me!
Cartman: Bitch, don't call me 'bitch' or I'll pop your fucking head open.
Stan: Yeah, you wanna bring it, you little pussy?
Cartman: I already brought it, bitch. I brought it, set it down on the table, and opened it, bitch!
Stan: Wait a minute... Cartman?
Cartman: Um...
[Hangs up]

Man: Hold me.
Man: There is no hope now, you must get out of here.
Kyle: We can't leave without you!
Man: It's okay, I'm done for.
Kyle: No! We can't leave without you! We don't know where the hell we are!

"South Park: Helen Keller! The Musical (#4.13)" (2000)
Geoffrey Maynard: [singing in a tremendously over the top fashion] I cannot hear what they are saying. I cannot tell them how I feel.
Eric Cartman: What the hell is he doing? Helen Keller isn't supposed to sing!
Geoffrey Maynard: If only I could say things that go on in my mind.

Geoffrey Maynard: [Cartman blindfolds himself for inspiration. There is a nightmarish montage of violence, devastation and mice eating each other. In the end a warped monster comes screaming out of the darkness. Cartman takes off the blindfold] Well, what did you see?
Eric Cartman: Just the stuff I always see when I close my eyes.

"South Park: Super Best Friends (#5.3)" (2001)
Kyle Broflovski: Thanks for saving me. Stan. You're *my* Super Best Friend.
Stan Marsh: You're *my* Super Best Friend too, Kyle.
Eric Cartman: Oh, that's so sweet, you guys! You wanna go get a room so you can make out for a while? Heheheh.
[Kyle and Stan take turns kicking Cartman in the nuts]

Stan: You're my super best friend, Kyle.
Kyle: You're my super best friend, Stan.
Cartman: Oh, that's so sweet you guys. You two want to get a room so you can make out for a while?
[both Stan and Kyle take turns kicking Cartman]

"South Park: Probably (#4.10)" (2000)
Cartman: Kenny said in hell people speak Spanish and the water there gives you diarrhea.

[preaching to the kids]
Cartman: Freinds ay' have to tell you dat last night, Ay' received a phone call from beyond da grave-ah.
Congregation: [collective gasp]
Cartman: It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from da depths of Hell. And he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said dat in Hell, da smell is awful. He said dat in Hell... everyone speaks Spanish.
Congregation: [collective gasp of horror]
Cartman: He said d'er is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah.
Congregation: NO.
Cartman: And perhaps worst of awl... in Hell d'er are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in dem.
Congregation: [collective gasp of horror]

"South Park: Pre-School (#8.10)" (2004)
Eric Cartman: Trent Boyett is a liar, sir.

Stan Marsh: You see, Mom, all the kids at school were told to bring a picture of their moms' breasts for anatomy class.
Eric Cartman: [as Stan's mom] I don't know, son, that sounds awfully strange. You cannot have a picture of my hot breasts.
Stan Marsh: But Mom, my teacher will...
Eric Cartman: No, no, no, no. You got to go...
[in soft voice]
Eric Cartman: but mmoooom...
Stan Marsh: But... Mo...
Eric Cartman: But Mmoooom...!
Stan Marsh: This is hopeless.
Kyle Broflovski: Why don't you just sneak into your mom's closet and get a picture when she's changing clothes?
Stan Marsh: That's sick, dude, I'm not taking a picture of my mom's boobs.
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] I'll do it!
Stan Marsh: No, you're not doing it either.

"South Park: Prehistoric Ice Man (#2.18)" (1999)
Stan: Hey, he's still alive.
[yelling into hole]
Stan: Kyle. Are you OK?
Kyle: I think so. Is Cartman up there?
Cartman: I'm right here, Kyle.
Kyle: Cartman, you *beep*ing hunk of fat, rat *beep*ing hunk of pig *beep*ing ass fat.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Say that to my *face*, pussy!

Stan Marsh: Dude!
Kyle: Help!
Stan Marsh: Good job Cartmen,you killed Kyle!
Kenny McCormick: [Muffled] You bastard!
Cartman: Well he shouldn't have called me fat.
Stan Marsh: Why the hell not, it's like calling the sky "blue".
Cartman: Well screw him, he's dead, let's go look for crocodiles.

"South Park: The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs (#14.2)" (2010)
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?
Mr. Garrison: Yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by Catcher in the Rye, but he was just a kook.
Eric: Whoa, you're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate and made a guy shoot the king of hippies. Can we please read this right now?

Stan: [reading "Catcher In The Rye"] Did you get to *any* dirty parts yet?
Kyle: [also reading "Catcher..."] No! It's still just some whiny, annoying teenager talking about how lame he is.
Stan: I don't get it, dude. What's so controversial about this? All he's done is said "shit" and "fuck" a few times.
Kyle: I know! I'm almost at the end and there's nothing.
Eric: [enters, slamming door] Mother fucker! The whole thing. I read the whole *fucking* thing! I kept thinking, alright, the cool, offensive stuff must be coming. And then after a hundred pages I was like, *alright*, I guess all the dirty stuff is at the end. And then I got to the last page! And I was all, what da fuck is this! I JUST READ A BOOK, FOR NOTHING!
Kyle: Why the hell was this book banned?
Eric: They fucking tricked us, that's what they did! Tricked us into reading a book by enticing us with promises of vulgarity.
Kenny: [enters, mumbles] Dude, what the fuck is this...
[rest is indecipherable]
Eric: We know! We we're just saying that.
Stan: Why would anyone think this book was obscene and dangerous?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [just finished reading "Catcher..."] Kill John Lennon. Kill John Lennon. *Kill* John Lennon!

"South Park: Proper Condom Use (#5.7)" (2001)
[the boys erroneously think they need to wear condoms all the time in order not to get or spread diseases]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [removing a condom from its wrapper] Why, it's just a little donut!
[fumbles with it]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Oh, it's all gooey!
Eric Cartman: Just put it on, Butters!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: H-How come I gotta go first?
Eric Cartman: Butters, will you stop... filibustering!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Oh, a-all right, then.
[turns around, drops pants, and starts fumbling with the condom]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Aw, it's sticky.
Kyle Broflovski: [reading from the condom box] It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: I don't even understand how this thing...! Oh, wait, oh, I see.
[Cartman peaks]
Stan Marsh: Don't look at Butters' shlong, gaymo!
Eric Cartman: I wasn't looking at his shlong, I was seeing how to put the condom on!
Kyle Broflovski: [sarcastically] Sure!
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: But it won't stay on. I-I need a rubber band or something.
Tweek: I-I've got rubber bands!
[hands them to Butters]
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [fumbles with the rubber bands] Ow! Eh, ow! Okay, eh... ow! There! Okay, I think it's on!
Stan Marsh: How do you feel?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [pause] Pretty good!
Eric Cartman: Do you feel protected?
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Yeah, I don't think nothing is getting to my wiener through this thing. It's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can pee in it.
Stan Marsh: All right, here everybody, Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Hey, somebody's gotta help Timmy put his condom on.
Timmy: *Timmah*!

Eric Cartman: Watch this, it's so funny. Come here, Darling, come on. Red rocket! Red rocket! He he he, come on, he he he!
[Eric masturbates the dog]
Stan Marsh: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
Eric Cartman: I'm milking the dog - they make dog milk.
Kyle Broflovski: No they don't.
Kenny McCormick: Yeah, dude.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, just hold on a minute. The fifth graders showed us how to do it. Red rocket! Red rocket! Come on, dog, red rocket! Oh ho!
[the dog ejaculates]
Kyle Broflovski: Whoa, cool, that's awsome!
Eric Cartman: I told you guys.
Stan Marsh: I had no idea dogs made milk. do it again.
Eric Cartman: Dumbass, you can only milk a dog once every few hours; doesn't work if you beat off a dog right away.
Kyle Broflovski: You beat off?
Eric Cartman: That's what it's called when milk a dog, beating him off. Don't you guys know anything?

"South Park: Spookyfish (#2.15)" (1998)
Stan: [Cartman walks in with a beard while Kenny is carving a squash with a huge butcher knife and Stan and Kyle are watching Kenny] Oh, God, he's got that stupid beard on again!
Cartman: [sits next to Kenny] No, Kenny, point the blade the other way otherwise you might cut yourself. There you go... Isn't this fun you guys, carvin' pumpkins on Halloween?
Cartman: [singing] You guys are my best friends / Through thick and thin / We've always been together / We're four of a kind / Havin' fun all day / Palin' around and laughin' away / We're best friends / Best friends are weeee!
Cartman: [Kenny, Stan, and Kyle are all staring at Cartman] I love you, guys.

Eric Cartman: You guys are hella stupid.
Stan: Why do you keep saying 'hella", Cartman?
Eric Cartman: 'Cuz I'm hella cool, that's why.

"South Park: Conjoined Fetus Lady (#2.5)" (1998)
[last lines]
Eric Cartman: I love you guys...
[Everyone looks at him]
Eric Cartman: Ah, screw you guys!

Cartman: I love you guys... eh, screw you guys.

"South Park: Pandemic (#12.10)" (2008)
Craig: Was there ever a moment, when you had the genius idea of becoming a Peruvian flute band, that you thought, "Hey, ya know, this might backfire."?... No. That never occurs to you guys, 'cause you guys are jerks, and you never learn from your mistakes, and that's why everyone at school thinks you guys are assholes.
Kyle: That's not true! People at school like us! Don't they?
Stan: Yeah, Craig's just being a dick because we're going through a tough time right now.
Craig: I'm being a dick?
Stan: Yes!
Craig: You guys took my birthday money, got me arrested and sent to Miami with no way home except to take down the country of Peru, and *I'm being a dick?*
Cartman: There's no talking to this guy!

Craig: Do you guys know why nobody else at school likes hanging out with you? Because you're always doing stuff like this. You're always coming up with some stupid idea to do something, and then it backfires, and then you end up in some foreign country, or in outer space or something. That's why no one likes hanging out with you guys.
Cartman: You're being extremely negative, Craig.

"South Park: Quest for Ratings (#8.11)" (2004)
Jimmy Valmer: [the boys suggest making news up to improve their show's ratings] Fellas, are you sure all of this is e-ethical?
Eric Cartman: We're in forth grade Timmy. We don't even know what ethical means.

"South Park: 201 (#14.6)" (2010)
[first lines]
Eric Cartman (as Mitch Connor): [voiceover] Saigon. It's a hell of a place. I've seen a lot of death. A lot of suffering. Darkness that most people couldn't stand to see. I tried to sit it out as much as I could.
Soldier 1: What's the matter, Connor? Don't like a little blood?
Eric Cartman (as Mitch Connor): [voiceover] No, I don't like a little blood. Blood ain't the stuff for eighteen-year-old boys from Sheboygan. Blood ain't the stuff for Mitch Connor.
Soldier 2: Incoming!

South Park Rally (2000) (VG)
Eric Cartman: Hey! You do that again, I'm gonna chop off your wee-wee... aaaaand put it on some bread... aaaand feed it to KITTY!

"South Park: Erection Day (#9.7)" (2005)
Mr. Garrison: [during the school talent show] And now, performing select readings from the movie Scarface, Eric Cartman!
Eric Cartman: [imitating Tony Montana] What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy."

"South Park: Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow (#9.8)" (2005)
Kyle: Can you believe it, Stan? I never thought global warming could happen so fast. I guess I didn't listen.
Stan: Kyle, it... it isn't global warming.
Kyle: Huh?
Stan: Global warming isn't happening right now. It's not what caused the Beaverton flood.
Kyle: How do you know that?
Stan: Because I know what did cause the flood.
Kyle: George Bush?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Terrorists?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Communists?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Chinese radicals?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Cartman?
Stan: Sorta.
Kyle: Cartman flooded Beaverton?
Stan: Shhhh! Not exactly. We were messing around on this guy's new boat and Cartman egged me on, and I crashed it into the Beaverton dam.
Kyle: Dude, you have to tell everybody! Right now!
Cartman: Hey Stan. Aw, goddamn it, you told Kyle, didn't you?
Kyle: Stan, people in Beaverton are still trapped on the roofs! Nobody's helping them because they think they can't go outside!
Cartman: Aw, here we go, see, I told you! If you're so caring, Kyle, why don't you share some of your Jew gold with the people caught in the flood?

"South Park: It's a Jersey Thing (#14.9)" (2010)
Eric Cartman: You're one of them, dude. By my accounts, that's strike three.
Kyle Broflovski: What's strike three?
Eric Cartman: [taking Kyle's hat off] You're a ginger, a Jew, and from Jersey. Three strikes, Kyle. You're out!
Kyle Broflovski: [grabbing his hat off Eric Cartman] Shut the fuck up!

"South Park: My Future Self n' Me (#6.16)" (2002)
[last lines]
Future Cartman: I came back to tell you that this is the day you turn it all around. You stop eating junk food, you start studying harder, you stay away from drugs and alcohol and you become CEO of your own time travel company.
Cartman: Oh, wow. Really? That's so awesome. Now I'll really work to be successful.
Future Cartman: Right on.
Cartman: Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doin' drugs when I waunt! Whatevuh! I'll do what I waunt!
Future Cartman: No, wait!
[changes into a fat plumber]
Future Cartman: Oh, Goddamnit!

"South Park: Cartman Sucks (#11.2)" (2007)
Eric Cartman: And then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! Hahahahahaha!
Kyle Broflovski: Dude!
Eric Cartman: I know, I know. Check it out. Look. I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh, man I got him good.
Stan Marsh: Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in your mouth "getting him"?
Eric Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now!
Kyle Broflovski: No, dude, that makes you gay.
Eric Cartman: ...What?
Kyle Broflovski: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!
Eric Cartman: Nuh-uh!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah-huh!

"South Park: The Cissy (#18.3)" (2014)
Wendy: What the hell do you think you're doing?
[to Cartman, who has entered the girls' bathroom]
Eric Cartman: I'm going to the potty.
Wendy: This is the girls' bathroom!
Eric Cartman: All right, I need to tell you something, Wendy: I'm transginger.
Wendy: What?
Eric Cartman: Did you notice the bow? I'm not comfortable with the sex I was assigned at birth so I'm exercising my right to identify with the gender of my choice, now get out of my way I have to take a shit.

"South Park: Trapper Keeper (#4.12)" (2000)
[last lines]
Stan: Whoa, wait a minute! Kyle saved your life. I think you at least owe him a thank-you!
Cartman: [sighs] Okay. Kyle...
[credits roll]

"South Park: Canada on Strike (#12.4)" (2008)
Stephen Abootman: [on the video] When you think of Canada, what's the first thing that comes to mind?
Eric Cartman: Gayness!
[every student in the bleachers laughs]
Stephen Abootman: [on the video] That's right - spirit. What is it that makes Canada so important?
Clyde: Nothing!
[everyone laughs]

"South Park: Butt Out (#7.13)" (2003)
Rob Reiner: All right, boys. Just do what I tell you and we'll be able to sue this tobacco company for 2 billion dollars. As soon as we get to the main facility, I'll snap the photo of you kids then we can all run out. Think you can handle it?
Eric Cartman: Handle it? For 2 billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, sir.

"South Park: A Nightmare on Facetime (#16.12)" (2012)
Mr. Peterson: Oh, wow! Look honey! It's Ironman, Captain America, Thor, and Bruce Vilanch!
[stopping on Cartman who is painted green and dressed like the Hulk]
Eric Cartman: I'm not Bruce Vilanch.
Mr. Peterson: Oh, what are you supposed to be? Oh! Oh! Right! You're supposed to be that, um, ahhh...
Eric Cartman: Thee incredible...
Mr. Peterson: Right! Thee incredible Chaz Bono. Remember, honey? Dancing With the Stars? The fat transexual.
Mrs. Peterson: Oooh, cute!
Eric Cartman: No! Not Chaz Bono! Do you see my skin? I'm green!
Mrs. Peterson: Ah - thee incredible Harvey Fierstein?
Mr. Peterson: No, Harvey Fierstein's just gay and fat honey, he's not green.
Eric Cartman: The person I'm dressed as it not fat and not gay!
Mr. Peterson: Thee incredibly fat and skinny gay man?
Eric Cartman: Just give us some fucking candy!
[they walk to the next house]
Eric Cartman: It's Stan's sutpid Captain America costume, that's what's throwing everybody off. How is everybody supposed to get that I'm the Hulk when Captain America is on freakin' Face Time!
Kenny McCormick: Trick-or-Treat!
Mr. Peterson: Ooohhh! It's the Avengers!
Eric Cartman: That's right!
Man at the next house: Oh, and Honey Boo Boo! Kids, come see the green Honey Boo Boo!
[looking at Eric]

"South Park: Crack Baby Athletic Association (#15.5)" (2011)
Secretary: [off-screen] Dean Howland, a representative from another prestigious institution is here to see you.
Dean Howland: A what? Send him in.
[the doors open and in walks Cartman, dressed as a Southern gentleman]
Eric Cartman: [speaking like a Georgia plantation owner] Helloo thear! The name is Eric P Cartman. I'm a well-respected owner in the slave trade.
Dean Howland: In the what?
Eric Cartman: My peaches, what a wonderful office you got yourself heah. Certainly got yourself a luuucrative bidness, don't ye. Well let me get right down to it theyen. Like yourself,
[opens a humidor and takes out a cigar]
Eric Cartman: I am also in the slave trade.
[takes a long whiff of the sealed cigar, then puts it into his inside coat pocket and pats it down]
Eric Cartman: But at the moment I find myself in a little quandary with ligal issues. Was wonderin' if you could share some secrets.
Dean Howland: I have... no idea what you're talkin' about.
Eric Cartman: [walks over to a picture of the UCB basketball team] You have some might strong-lookin' workers heah, sahr. I'd be willin' to offer you forty dollars for two of the white ones and fifty for the blacks.
Dean Howland: Are you refering to our student athletes?
Eric Cartman: Student atholetes. Hoho, that is brilliant sahr. Now, when we sell their likeness for video games, how do we get around payin' for our slaves uh- "student atheletes" then?
Dean Howland: Look, there are
[catches his breath]
Dean Howland: good reasons why our student athletes cannot be paid, young man
Eric Cartman: I ain't arguin'. If they got paid, then how did we make all owr money, right?
Dean Howland: We do
[slams his fist on his desk]
Dean Howland: not own slaves, and we have no desire to own slaves.
Eric Cartman: But of course you own slaves, because, oh... riiight.
[clears his throat]
Eric Cartman: Of couse you don't have desire to own slaves, son, neither do I. And if there was any government agency listenin' in on this heah conversation, they should know that we'er not talkin' 'bout slave ownership. Gaauu.
[waits a few seconds, then takes off his hat and softly says]
Eric Cartman: Alright, so now, how do you get around not paying your slaves.
Dean Howland: Get out! This is a prestigious university and I am not saying one more word to you!
Eric Cartman: You think you can do whatever you want 'cause your corporation is a university?
[walks towards the entrance and opens the door]
Eric Cartman: This country was founded on the idea that one corporation couldn't hog all the slaves, while the rest of us wallow in poverteh! Screw you sahr, I'm goin' home!
[walks out and closes the door]

"South Park: Freak Strike (#6.3)" (2002)
Butters: Wait - Butters' chin? Well, that's me!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah!
Butters: I'm Butters!
Stan: We know, you're the one doing it, Butters, who'd you think we were talking about?
Butters: Well, hold on just a second, you guys...
Eric Cartman: Hey, I know how we get the balls on Butters' chin! Those Star Trek dorks down the street! They're always making crazy masks and special effects for their dumb movies.
Butters: Hang on now...
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah! I bet they can make a fake set of balls! Come on, Butters!
Butters: Wait - why does it have to be me?
Stan: It has to be you, Butters, think about it.
Eric Cartman: Yeah.
Butters: But, fellas, if I go on Maury Povich with my balls on my chin, my parents are gonna be really mad.
Kyle Broflovski: We'll just tell your parents we're going on a camping trip with my parents. They'll never know.
Butters: I'm sorry, but the answer is ut-ah. Ut-ah, ut-ah.
Stan: Kenny would have done it.
[after a few seconds of silence]
Butters: So? I told you guys before: I'm not Kenny!
Kyle Broflovski: We know, believe me, we know. We're reminded every day you're not Kenny, 'cause Kenny was cool.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, God, I wish Kenny was still alive. He'd put balls on his chin. He was such an awsome friend.
Kyle Broflovski: Well, come on, guys. If Butters won't even put balls on his chin for us, I guess we know where we stand.
Eric Cartman: Yeah.

"South Park: Go God Go (#10.12)" (2006)
[the kids in class, including a new girl, see Ms. Garrison arriving, not too happy to teach them evolution]
Ms. Garrison: All right, kids, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
Butters: Oh boy!
Ms. Garrison: Now I, for one, think evolution is a bunch of *bullcrap*! But I've been told I have to teach it to you anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this...
[she goes up to a large poster of evolution and begins pointing things out with her pointer]
Ms. Garrison: In the beginning, we were all fish. Okay? Swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So Retard Fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its...
[she waves her left hand limply]
Ms. Garrison: ...mutant fish hands... and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something and made this.
[she points to a prehistoric mammal rodent]
Ms. Garrison: Retard frog-sqirrel, and then *that* had a retard baby which was a... monkey-fish-frog... And then this monkey-fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey, and that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey... and that made you!
[she faces the class, with the new girl among them looking around]
Ms. Garrison: So there you go! You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations!
Cartman: [impatient for a Nintendo Wii, hops out of his chair and leaves the room, shouting] Haahhh! I can't take it anymore! Haaaaah!
Ms. Garrison: [thinking Cartman understands evolution] Yeah? You see? I *knew* that would happen.

"South Park: Grounded Vindaloop (#18.7)" (2014)
Kyle Broflovski: Well, are you happy, Cartman? Butters is completely traumatized.
Eric Cartman: I'm happy that I totally got away with it.

"South Park: Child Abduction Is Not Funny (#6.11)" (2002)
[the fours' parents are beside them to make sure they don't get abducted]
Mrs. Marsh: Do what you normally would do.
Kyle Broflovski: You're such a fatass, Cartman.
Eric Cartman: At least I'm not a stupid jew.
Sheila Broflovski: What, What, WHAT?

"South Park: Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods (#2.11)" (1998)
Cartman: [singing] I love Cheesy Poofs / We love Cheesy Poofs / If we all didn't love Cheesy Poofs / We'd be lame / I'm talking Night-Court-in-its-fifth-season lame!

"South Park: Raisins (#7.14)" (2003)
Stan: [in a cracked voice] What's the point of living when the only girl I've ever loved is gone?
Cartman: God, what a fag!

"South Park: Chickenpox (#2.10)" (1998)
Mr. McCormick: [explaining to Kyle why he isn't as successful as Kyle's father] And do you know why? Because your Dad's Jewish!
Cartman: I heard that!

"South Park: Fantastic Easter Special (#11.5)" (2007)
[the Mall Easter Bunny sits in a chair taking requests for Easter gifts from the kids; Cartman is seated on the Bunny's lap]
Cartman: And I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and five Crash-'n'-Go RC cars, you got that? Do you have that?
Mall Bunny: [confused] Uhh, don't you think that's...
Cartman: [angry] No no! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit! I am a human! So if you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can fuckin' kill you!
Aide: Smile!
[she takes a picture and Cartman hops off]
Cartman: [leaving] Bye, Easter Bunny!

"South Park: The Entity (#5.11)" (2001)
[Kyle's Cousin, who also is a Jew, is sitting in the 4th grade with the rest of the boys. He isn't comfortable and is moving around]
Mrs. Choksondik: If you are gonna be in my classroom you're gonna have to concentrate.
Cartman: Maybe we should send him to concentration camp!

"South Park: Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow (#5.5)" (2001)
Eric Cartman: Look, if you don't come and do the show, I'll make you eat your parents.
Phillip: Yeh, whatever kid.
Stan Marsh: He'll do it dude.

"South Park: Coon vs. Coon and Friends (#14.13)" (2010)
Eric Cartman: [Narrating while riding on Cthulhu] Thanks to Coon and Friends the country will soon be rid of all evil, but first they would come up against their most challenging and most evil opponent, Justin Bieber!, in order to save the Earth this little butthole had to be stopped.
Justin Bieber: [singing at a concert] Baby, baby, baby ooh baby, baby, baby ooooh baby, baby!
[Cthulhu breaks through the roof and grabs him]
Justin Bieber: oooooh, oooooh my, ooooh, oooooh mama!
Eric Cartman: [Cthulhu brings him to Cartman] Yep that's him, so long Justin Bieber you little douchebag!
[Cthulhu squeezes Justin until his head explodes]

"South Park: D-Yikes! (#11.6)" (2007)
Cartman: [whistling] Kay Pasol! Kay Pasol!
[Mexicans come forward]
Cartman: Alright, did you read the book?
Mexicans: Si, si...
Kyle: What was it about? In case our teacher asks us?
Mexican #1: It starts there the old man... and he job is to catch the feesh... so he get in the boat to try and catch feesh.
Mexican #2: So he catches feesh... but the feesh is very strong, so the old man can't reel in the feesh.
Mexican #3: So then he fight the feesh some more and he finally catch the feesh.
Kyle: So he catches the feesh so he can make money?
Mexican #1: No... on the way home the sharks come and eat the feesh and so
[takes off his hat]
Mexican #1: ...he no make money.
[Sniffs, other Mexicans take off their hats]
Stan: That's it? That's the whole story?
Mexican #1: Si...
Cartman: Alright, did you write the four essays?
Mexican #1: Si, we all wrote eses for you
Boys: Alright!
Cartman: Let's have 'em!
Mexican #3: Have what?
Kyle: You said you all wrote essays, where are they?
Mexican #1: Well, my ese lives in Miami.

"South Park: Sexual Harassment Panda (#3.6)" (1999)
Mr. Garrison: Now does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
[Cartman raises his hand]
Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?
Eric Cartman: When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

"South Park: You Have 0 Friends (#14.4)" (2010)
Eric Cartman: Ah, here's a guy. Hey dude, how's it going?
Man on Webcam: Hey.
Eric Cartman: This is my friend Kyle, he's looking for some new friends.
Man on Webcam: Oh yeah?
[unzips pants]
Eric Cartman: Oh, he's taken out his penis. OK, next guy...
Kyle Broflovski: Dude, screw this, I don't wanna see anymore.
Eric Cartman: Kyle, this is the way the world works - if you wanna find some quality friends, you gotta wait through all the dicks first.

"South Park: Asspen (#6.2)" (2002)
Eric Cartman: Butters, I hate you with every inch of my body.

"South Park: All About Mormons (#7.12)" (2003)
[last lines]
Gary Harrison: [to Stan] Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense, and maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up, but I have a great life, and a great family, and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up, because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You've got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls.
[turns around and walks off]
Eric Cartman: Damn, that kid is cool, huh?

"South Park: Do the Handicapped Go to Hell? (#4.9)" (2000)
[Cartman's favorite "psalm"]
Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation, this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

"South Park: Cherokee Hair Tampons (#4.6)" (2000)
Stan: All right. Will you donate one of your kidneys to Kyle?
Cartman: [singing] No no no no no, no no no no no...
Stan: You only need one, fat boy!
Cartman: no no no no no no no no no no...
Stan: Dude, one of your friends is gonna die. Don't you see how serious this is?
[door bangs open]
Cartman: Okay, asshole, give me back my kidney!
Stan: Dude, please, Kyle needs it!
Cartman: It's mine! Not yours, mine! Give it back right now or there's gonna be hell to pay!

"South Park: With Apologies to Jesse Jackson (#11.1)" (2007)
Stan Marsh: Listen, Token, my dad isn't a racist, he's just stupid, alright? He just blurted out the N-word and it's no big deal, okay?
Token: Uh, well, actually it is kind of a big deal Stan.
Eric Cartman: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh...
Token: It may be a mistake, but you don't know how it feels when that word comes out. So don't say it isn't a big deal.
Eric Cartman: Oh shit, here we go! It's on! Race War! Race War! Race War! Race war's on everybody! It's going down! Shit is going down!
Stan Marsh: Token, my dad wasn't trying to be offensive, just forget about it.
Token: That's easy for you to say Stan.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, come on, here we go.
Stan Marsh: Yeah, but he didn't say it anger or anything like that.
Token: That doesn't mean I can just be fine.
Eric Cartman: Race war, come on! Race war!
Token: If you really think it's not a big deal, then you really are ignorant. That's all. I'm not fighting anybody.
[Token walks away]
Eric Cartman: Token forfeits. Whites win! Whites win! Race war's over everybody! Whites won again!

"South Park: The Biggest Douche in the Universe (#6.15)" (2002)
[Stan performing as a psychic]
Stan: Ok, listen to me. Listen *very* carefully. This is a *trick* that I am doing. Ok? Watch. All I'm going to do is say a name that I'm gonna pick at random, ok?
Stan: They want me to acknowledge... Pete or Peter.
Woman: Yes. Yes, my Peter.
[Woman cries and audiance applauds]
Stan: No. Stop clapping. All I did was pick a name at random and wait for somebody in the audiance to give a response. Now that I see a that there is a lone woman in the audiance *crying*, my instinct tells me Peter was her husband. So I say, "Peter was your husband?"
Woman: Yes, yes, yes. My husband, Peter.
[Audience applauds]
Man: You knew Peter was dead.
Stan: I didn't start by saying Peter is dead, I start by saying, "They want me to acknowledge Peter." That could have meant that Peter was in the audience or that Peter was somebody's friend or that Peter had died I couldn't be wrong. See? Now, I can look at this woman and can see that she is fairly young so odds are that her husband was fairly young when he died. So I can say something like, "I'm getting that Peter's death was very untimely."
Woman: [sobbing] Yes, it was.
[Audiance applauds]
Man: Amazing.
Woman: Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy.
Stan: ...Ok... lets back up.
[Audiance takes a step back]

"South Park: I'm a Little Bit Country (#7.4)" (2003)
Reporter: [coming up to them ] Boys, why did you walk out of school today?
Stan: Uhhh... war.
Reporter: Yes, and what about the war?
Kyle: Uhh... it's gay?
Reporter: Yes, and what about it is most gay?
Stan: [Reading off his sign] Uhh... no blood for oil.
Kyle: [Reading his sign] War is not my voice.
Cartman: [reading a sign that says "Bush is a Nazi"] Bush is a Nay-zee.

"South Park: Merry Christmas Charlie Manson! (#2.16)" (1998)
Grandma: I thought that shirt would look really good on you.
Cartman: Are you telling me I drove nine hours through buttfucking nowhere to get a GODDAMN SHIRT? Mom, Grandma's gone senile, time to stick her in a home.

"South Park: Members Only (#20.8)" (2016)
Eric Cartman: Jesus, I didn't think getting to mars would take this long.

"South Park: Free Hat (#6.9)" (2002)
Cartman: Never underestimate the power of a free hat.

"South Park: Grey Dawn (#7.10)" (2003)
Cartman: Looks like Stan's dad's been hitting the bottle again.

"South Park: Smug Alert! (#10.2)" (2006)
Stan: You know Cartman you may be stoked now, but I bet you're gonna find that without Kyle around to rip on your life is empty and hollow.
Eric Cartman: Whatever, dude! I don't need Kyle to rip on. I've got Butters!
[walking out]
Eric Cartman: Come on, Butters, you stupid Jew!
Butters: Yeah! I'm a dumb Jew!

"South Park: Marjorine (#9.9)" (2005)
Cartman: What if I were to tell you, that the girls have a device which allows them to see into the future.
Stan: [skeptical] What?
Butters: How do you know?
Kyle: The girls do not have a device that shows them the future, Cartman, that is retarded.
Clyde Donovan: You sir have mocked Cartman before yet you too sit here demanding answers? Now damn you let him speak!
Cartman: [shocked] Thank you, Clyde.

"South Park: Professor Chaos (#6.6)" (2002)
Eric Cartman: Kiss my fudging ass. Go fudge yourself. Fudge you. Get the fudge out.

"South Park: It's Christmas in Canada (#7.15)" (2003)
Cartman: It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas Day and I'm in Canada.
Kyle: Yeah, but I got my brother back.
Cartman: Yeah, you got your brother back but I didn't get any presents. And what did I tell you, Kyle? I told you if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was gonna whoop your ass, didn't I? Now you're gonna get it, motherfucker. That's it, you and me. Right now. We're having it out. Come on. Come on.
[Kyle slaps Cartman]

"South Park: Goobacks (#8.7)" (2004)
Stan: Dude, wait, wait, hold... hold on! Wait a second! This is gay!
Kyle: This is really gay!
Cartman: Yeah, this is even gayer than all the men getting in a big pile and having sex with each other.
Stan: Okay, sorry, my bad. Everyone back in the pile!
Darryl Weathers: [Undressing] Back in the pile, everyone! We're going back to the pile!

"South Park: You're Getting Old (#15.7)" (2011)
Trailer Voice Over: [trailer playing the theater as the kids watch] Jim Carey has a bunch of turds in his apartment.
[Carey farts]
Stan Marsh: Agh!
Eric Cartman: Stan, knock it off!
Stan Marsh: But it's just crap!
Kyle Broflovski: No, they're penguins! Stop it!
Trailer Voice Over: It's Jim Carey in: What ever, you'll pay to go see it. Fuck you! July twelth.

"South Park: World Wide Recorder Concert (#3.17)" (2000)
Eric Cartman: You guys! We found it! We found it, you guys!
Kyle Broflovski: Calm down, Cartman.
Stan Marsh: You found what?
Eric Cartman: The brown noise! Kenny and me found the brown noise! Here, look -
[puts soundproof headphones on everyone but Kenny]
Eric Cartman: Ready Kenny?
Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Ready!
Eric Cartman: [plays the brown noise on his recorder]
Kenny McCormick: [farting noise. yelps, covers his butt, and runs off]
Stan Marsh: No way...

"South Park: Elementary School Musical (#12.13)" (2008)
[Cartman comes into class after saying the previous day that he was going to kill himself]
Kyle Broflovski: What happened, Cartman? I thought you were going to kill yourself.
Eric Cartman: I tried. I went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine running.
Kyle Broflovski: And you didn't die?
Eric Cartman: [sighes] Freaking hybrids, man... they just don't do the trick anymore.

"South Park: Imaginationland (#11.10)" (2007)
Judge: From what I've been presented and the evidence put forth, the Court has no choice but to order you to place Mr. Cartman's pubical sac in your mouth and draw upon it succulently for no less than 30 seconds.
Eric Cartman: Yesss!
Judge: You have 24 hours to suck aforementioned balls. If, after that time, you still refuse, the Court will be forced to arrest you for contempt. Next case.
[bangs gavel]
Eric Cartman: Thank you, Your Honor. This isn't a victory for me. This is a victory for the justice system...and my balls.

"South Park: The Last of the Meheecans (#15.9)" (2011)
Eric Cartman: Clyde! What the fuck are you doing? You just let a Mexican through!
Clyde: I was enthralled with the dialogue exchange.

"South Park: Mystery of the Urinal Deuce (#10.9)" (2006)
Stan Marsh: Did they find out who crapped in the urinal yet?
Kyle Broflovski: Not yet.
Eric Cartman: They aren't going to find out who did it, but they'll make up a scapegoat, send him to detention, and make us all believe it; it'll be 9/11 all over again.
Kyle Broflovski: Will you shut up about 9/11?
Eric Cartman: Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?
Kyle Broflovski: Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy, is a retard!
Eric Cartman: Oh, really? Well, did you know that over one fourth of the people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one fourth of Americans are retards?
[pointing at Kyle]
Kyle Broflovski: Yes! I'm saying one fourth of Americans are retards.
Stan Marsh: Yeah, at least one fourth.
Kyle Broflovski: Let's take a test sample: there's four of us, you're a retard, that's one fourth.
[pointing at Eric]

"South Park: Major Boobage (#12.3)" (2008)
[last lines]
Stan Marsh: You guys! Check it out! It's Kenny.
[Kenny sniffs a flower]
Stan Marsh: Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life.
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah.
[Kenny sniffs the flower again and sniffs another]
Kyle Broflovski: He's getting... really high on life.
[Kenny sniffs a bunch of flowers]
Eric Cartman: Dude, he's getting super-wasted on life!
Kyle Broflovski: Kenny!
[Kenny collapses after sniffing flowers]
Stan Marsh: What the hell kind of flowers are those?
Kyle Broflovski: Kenny! Kenny!

"South Park: Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina (#9.1)" (2005)
Mrs. Garrison: Hello boys! It's me - your teacher, Mrs. Garrison!
Cartman: [to Stan, Kyle and Kenny] You guys - Mr. Garrison has titties.
Mrs. Garrison: I had a sex-change operation. My penis is now a vagina, and I'm experiencing womanhood for the first time in my life!
[walking away]
Mrs. Garrison: See you in class!

"South Park: The Losing Edge (#9.5)" (2005)
Cartman: [the boys are trying to intentionally throw the championship baseball game] At this point in the baseball movie, they usually get a really sweet player to help them win the championship.
Kyle: Like the motorcycle kid in Bad News Bears?
Cartman: Yeah! So we need a player who totally sucks ass.

"South Park: Unaired Pilot (#1.0)" (????)
Eric Cartman: [singing] Stan wants to kiss Wendy Testaburger!

"South Park: Fat Camp (#4.15)" (2000)
Man #1: Hello, camper! My name is Rick! How're you doing?
Cartman: [shouts] Well, I'm pissed off, Rick! How are you?

"South Park: Dances with Smurfs (#13.13)" (2009)
Eric Cartman: [after seeing James Cameron's Avatar] You sons of bitches! Dances with Smurfs was my idea! MY IDEA!
[Cartman puts two middle fingers in the air]
Eric Cartman: You can't just take one person's idea and call it... something else.