Officer Barbrady
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Quotes for
Officer Barbrady (Character)
from "South Park" (1997)

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"South Park: Chickenlover (#2.3)" (1998)
Mayor: Officer Barbrady what are you doing? You still haven't caught Chicken Fucker Yet.
Officer Barbrady: Ah Ah! Mayor in front of the children we say "Chicken Lover".

Officer Barbrady: Keep your eyes peeled boys, someone's going to make love to this chicken any second now.

[Barbrady is asked to solve a legal problem]
Officer Barbrady: Hey, I just thought of something. No, wait, that's subtraction.

Mr. Garrison: Yes Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: I need to go poopies.
Mr. Garrison: Officer Barbrady, in school we use the bathroom before and after class.
Officer Barbrady: Oh Christ, how do you kids do it?


"South Park: Toilet Paper (#7.3)" (2003)
Officer Barbrady: [picks up phone] Police station.
Josh: Hello Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady: Josh? Josh, where are you?
Josh: I'm afraid I can't give you that information, as it will effect my freedom.
Officer Barbrady: Josh, you have to go back to juvenile hall. You only have a three week sentence.
Josh: I must go. There is something I have been wanting to do for a long time.
[Josh is walking off toward the White House]

Officer Barbrady: Mr. Bell, do you remember anyone suspicious buying toilet paper in the last few days?
Jason: Suspicious like how?
Officer Barbrady: Well, like someone who was black, or Mexican, or middle eastern.

Kyle Broflovski: You confessed?
[confused about Butters behind bars for what they did]
Butters Stotch: Yeah, uh huh; they said that I TP'ed the art teacher's house. I don't seem to remember it, but they're pretty sure it was me. I just can't get my behavior under control.
[grabbing at the bars and looking angry]
Officer Barbrady: His parents are on their way down now.
Butters Stotch: Yeah, and boy are they gonna let me have it. You just wait until my father gets here.
Kyle Broflovski: You guys, we can't let him do this.
[conferring away from Barbrady and Butters]
Cartman: What are you talking about? This is a gift from God! An early Easter present all wrapped up from Jesus Christ himself!
Butters Stotch: Well, I'm just a little asshole is what I am.


"South Park: Mecha-Streisand (#1.12)" (1998)
Barbra Streisand: You know who I am, don't you?
Officer Barbrady: Well, you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass.

Officer Barbrady: Boys, shouldn't you be in school?
Stan Marsh: It's Saturday!
Officer Barbrady: No excuses! Move along, you little troublemakers!


"South Park: Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut (#2.2)" (1998)
Mayor McDaniels: Officer Barbrady, pretend for just a minute that we had a competent law officer in our town. What would he do?
Officer Barbrady: That's a good question ma'am. Let me get right on that... with thinking.

[Jimbo and folks are stuck at Studio, they have to raffle off the next eatable person]
Uncle Jimbo: OK, until now, everyone has picked up a long stick. I will be next.
[Jimbo picks up a stick from Barbrady's fist; a tall one]
Uncle Jimbo: Phew!
[Mr. Garrison picks up a stick; a tall one]
Mr. Garrison: Phew!
[Barbrady opens his fist; another tall one]
Officer Barbrady: Whooof!
Uncle Jimbo: Barbrady, where the hell is the short one?
Officer Barbrady: Eh, what?
Uncle Jimbo: Someone has to get a short stick, so we know, who will lose!
Officer Barbrady: Hmm... I always have played with wrong rules!


"South Park: Pinkeye (#1.7)" (1997)
Officer Barbady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually...
Mayot: Well I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
Officer Barbady: Not a thingy-dingy.

[Chef bursts in on the Mayor and Officer Barbrady]
Mayor: Why Chef, what a surprise.
Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually, uh...
Mayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese mafia.
Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.


"South Park: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo (#1.9)" (1997)
[Kyle tries to catch a snowflake on his tongue]
Cartman: Hey! What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow.
Kyle: We can too!
Stan: No, I think it's against the law, dude.
Kyle: Officer Barbrady!
Officer Barbrady: [while stopping a car] What?
Kyle: Is it illegal for Jews to eat Christmas snow?
Officer Barbrady: Yes.
Kyle: Dammit!


"South Park: The Entity (#5.11)" (2001)
Kyle: Kyle, I told you, all kids in Colorado play hide and seek at the airport.
Stan: Yeah, as soon as we get to the concourse you'll see how much fun it is.
Kyle: This is taking too long. That flight to Connecticut is gonna leave. Hey! Can we speed things up here?
Security Officer George: Duh sorry, but ever since that It thing came out, the airlines have had to cut back on employees.
Kyle: Dude, we're the only ones here. How long does it take to get five people through security?
Security Officer George: Let's see... Five people plus times, divided... Two hours domestic, three hours international.
Kyle's Cousin: Can't we just play hide and seek at home?
Kyle: No!
Security Officer George: Aha! What's this?
[removes toe nail clipper from Kenny's coat]
Security Officer George: A toe nail clipper! Die, terrorist!
[shoots Kenny in the head]
Security Officer George: See, we do these checks for a reason.


"South Park: Weight Gain 4000 (#1.2)" (1997)
Stan Marsh: Officer Barbrady, have you seen Mr. Garrison?
Officer Barbrady: The schoolteacher? Wait a minute...
[he flashes back to his encounter with Mr. Garrison]
Mr. Garrison: Officer Barbrady, do you know where I could get a good shot, er, view, of Kathy Lee?
Officer Barbrady: Hmm, I bet the book depository would be a good bet... book depository... book depository... depository... depository!
[back to the present]
Officer Barbrady: My God, he could be anywhere!


"South Park: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (#1.1)" (1997)
[Investigating a cattle mutilation]
Officer Barbrady: This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
Farmer: People's been saying they've been seeing UFO's around.
Officer Barbrady: UFO's? Ha.
Farmer: Yeah, and black army, CIA helicopters and trucks.
Officer Barbrady: That is the silliest thing I've ever heard
[black helicopters fly overhead]
Farmer: What was that?
Officer Barbrady: That, that was a pigeon.


"South Park: Summer Sucks (#2.8)" (1998)
Officer Barbrady: I'm sorry, mayor. I couldn't find the little man in the boat.
Mayor McDaniels: Well, keep looking!


"South Park: Volcano (#1.3)" (1997)
Officer Barbrady: All right people. The mayor wanted everyone to see this educational film. So please try to pay attention okay?
Voiceover: This is Jenny. She and her family are having a picnic at the foot of a volcano. Oh no. The volcano has errupted. What do you do now Jenny? That's right duck and cover. What do you do Jimmy? Duck and cover. DUCK AND COVER!
Officer Barbrady: Any questions?
Chef: That has got to be the biggest piece of cah cah many bullspit I have ever heard in my life.
Officer Barbrady: That's enough out of you wise guy.