Sparkplug Witwicky
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Quotes for
Sparkplug Witwicky (Character)
from "The Transformers" (1984)

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Transformers (2007)
Sam Witwicky: Look, I can't be any clearer than how crystal clear I am being. It just stood up.
Sheriff: It just stood up? Wow. That's really neat. Okay, chiefie. Time to fill her up...
[hands Sam a container and a tissue]
Sheriff: And no drippy-drippy. What are you rolling? Whippets? Goof balls? A little wowie sauce with the boys?
Sam Witwicky: No, I'm not on any drugs!
Sheriff: What's these?
[shows Sam a bottle of pills]
Sheriff: Found it in your pocket. "Mojo". Is that what the kids are doing now, a little bit of Mojo...?
Sam Witwicky: Those are my dog's pain pills.
Ron Witwicky: You know, a Chihauhua. A little...
Sheriff: [annoyed] What was that?
Sam Witwicky: Hmm?
Sheriff: You eyeballing my piece, 50 Cent? You wanna go?
[leans over Sam]
Sheriff: Make something happen. Do it. 'Cause I promise you I will bust you up.
Sam Witwicky: [whispers] Are you on drugs?

Bobby Bolivia: [about the Camaro] I'll let you have it for $5,000.
Ron Witwicky: No, I'm not going above $4,000.
Bobby Bolivia: The door just closed.
[turns to Sam]
Bobby Bolivia: Get out of the car.
Sam Witwicky: Wait a minute? I thought you said "the car chooses its owner.",
Bobby Bolivia: Yeah, well sometimes they pick a driver with a cheap-ass father!

Agent Simmons: Ronald Wikity?
Ron Witwicky: It's Witwicky. Who are you?
Agent Simmons: We're the government. Sector Seven.
Ron Witwicky: Never heard of it.
Agent Simmons: Never will.

[Ratchet runs into power lines, shocking him and causing a tremor throughout the neighborhood]
Ron Witwicky: [crawling under a table] Earthquake! Earthquake! Judy, get under the table!
Judy Witwicky: How did you get over there so fast?
[Outside, a dazed Ratchet staggers to his feet]
Ratchet: Wow... that was tingly! You gotta try that!
Ironhide: [sarcastic] Yeah, that looks fun...

Ron Witwicky: [drives past a Porsche dealer] I've got a little surprise for you, son.
Sam Witwicky: No, no, no, no! Dad! Oh, you've got to be kidding me!
Ron Witwicky: Yeah, I am. You're not getting a Porsche!
[laughs]

Ron Witwicky: [brandishing a bat, outside his son's door] 5... 4... It's comin' off the hinges, pal. 3... 2... stand back!
[as Ron gets ready to break the door down, Sam opens it]
Sam Witwicky: What's up?... What's with the bat?
Ron Witwicky: Who were you talking to?
Sam Witwicky: Talkin' to you!
Judy Witwicky: Why are you so sweaty and filthy?
Sam Witwicky: I'm a child, you know, I'm a teenager.

Sam Witwicky: [in a used car showroom] You ever seen "The 40 Year Old Virgin"?
Ron Witwicky: Yeah...
Sam Witwicky: [points to a car] Well, you see this? This is the 40-year-old virgin...
[points to another car]
Sam Witwicky: And this is the 50-year-old virgin!

Judy Witwicky: Please for the love of God drive safely!
[Sam drives away with the Camaro in a massive cloud of black exhaust]
Judy Witwicky: Wow. You are so cheap.
Ron Witwicky: Well, it's his first car... supposed to be like that.

Judy Witwicky: You know, I think that if there really was some kind of... alien infestation... the Government would be the first to tell us.
Ron Witwicky: [fondling Mojo] Yeah... I mean, this is America.
Judy Witwicky: Yeah, that's how we know we're in a free country. There's no secrets. They'd say "Hey! Duck and cover!"

Ron Witwicky: You're not taking my son.
Agent Simmons: Really? You gonna get rough with us?
Ron Witwicky: No, but I'm gonna call the cops because there's something fishy going on around here.
Agent Simmons: Yeah. There's something a little fishy about you, your son, your little Taco Bell dog and this whole operation you got going on here.
Ron Witwicky: What operation?
Agent Simmons: That is what we are gonna find out.

[Ron Witwicky walks towards a window]
Optimus Prime: Quick, hide!
Ratchet: Hide? Where?
[the Autobots manage to get out of sight just as Ron looks outside]
Ron Witwicky: Oh, no... look at the yard! The yard is destroyed! There's sparks flying all over the place... Judy, you better call the City, looks like they got a blown transformer! What a waste... Trashed! Gone!
[appalled, he moves away]

Judy Witwicky: [barging into Sam's bedroom, her husband in tow] Oh, for Pete's sakes! You are so defensive! Were you... masturbating?
Ron Witwicky: Judy...
Sam Witwicky: [frantic] Was I master... No, Mom!
Ron Witwicky: Zip it, okay?
Judy Witwicky: It's okay...
Sam Witwicky: No, I don't masturbate!
Ron Witwicky: That's not something for you to bring up.
Judy Witwicky: Okay.
Ron Witwicky: That's a father-and-son thing, okay?
Sam Witwicky: Father-son thing...
Judy Witwicky: I mean, you don't have to call it that word if that makes you uncomfortable... you can call it Sam's happy time or...
Sam Witwicky: [amazed] Happy time?
Judy Witwicky: ...my special alone time...
Ron Witwicky: Judy, stop!
Judy Witwicky: ...with myself.
Sam Witwicky: Mom, you can't come in and...
Judy Witwicky: I'm sorry. It's just been a weird night. I've had a little bit to drink.

[watching the news broadcast of meteor crashes]
Judy Witwicky: What did he say?
Ron Witwicky: What?
Judy Witwicky: What did Jack say? Did he see it?
Ron Witwicky: Yeah he saw it. He thinks it's a military experiment.
Judy Witwicky: What a knucklehead.
Ron Witwicky: Yeah. I told him it was a plane.


Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
Sam Witwicky: You don't stop, you don't hide. You run. You understand me?
Ron Witwicky: No!
Sam Witwicky: You've gotta let me go. You've gotta let me go.
Judy Witwicky: Let him go.
Ron Witwicky: You come back! YOU COME BACK!

[arriving at Sam's college]
Judy Witwicky: Look at this place! I feel smarter already! Can you smell that?
Ron Witwicky: Yeah, smells like $40,000 a year.

[after Bumblebee blasts the house to destroy the kitchen bots]
Judy Witwicky: Sam, Sam, listen to me... When you go, he goes. I cannot live with a psychotic alien in my garage!
Ron Witwicky: Judy, national security... Look, if we stay quiet, they're gonna take care of everything. Just consider this the official start of our remodel, okay?
Judy Witwicky: Fine. If the government's paying, I want a pool and a hot tub! And I'm gonna skinny-dip and you can't say shit about it!

[the Witwicky home is under siege by Decepticons]
Ron Witwicky: What was that?
Sam Witwicky: That's the whole kitchen!

Ron Witwicky: Let's go. March, young lady!
[to his son's horror, Ron slaps his wife's derriere]
Judy Witwicky: I love it when you call me "young lady," you dirty old man.
[goes upstairs giggling]
Ron Witwicky: You ain't seen nothing yet...
Sam Witwicky: Dad, Dad, Dad, whoa!
Ron Witwicky: What?
Sam Witwicky: I'm watching what you're doing, Dad. It's not a rap video.
Ron Witwicky: It's just like a coach thing.
Sam Witwicky: That was a really creepy move just now, Dad.

Judy Witwicky: [touring Sam's college] People are sure friendly here. Some kids just gave me this bag of brownies.
Sam Witwicky: Mom, that's not a brownie! Don't take it!
Judy Witwicky: Sam, I am your mother and I can do what I want!
Ron Witwicky: Honey! They baked it with reefer!

Ron Witwicky: Sam!
Judy Witwicky: What?
Ron Witwicky: Sam!
Sam Witwicky: Mom! Dad!
[Rampage launches himself in front of Sam, tossing his parents around]
Sam Witwicky: Wait! WAIT!
Ron Witwicky: Sam, listen to me! I want you to run!
Sam Witwicky: Wait, wait, wai...
[Sam hears a whistle, and catches sight of a hidden Bumblebee... ]
Sam Witwicky: Okay...
[holds up his sock]
Sam Witwicky: Okay, this is what you want... and I know you need me, 'cause I know about the Matrix...
Rampage: [growling] Sam Witwicky...
Ron Witwicky: Sam, just go!
Judy Witwicky: Sam, listen to your father!
Ron Witwicky: Sam, they're gonna kill us all anyway!
Sam Witwicky: Look, just come over here and take it, don't harm them... okay. BUMBLEBEE!
[Bumblebee jumps on Rampage]
Sam Witwicky: Take 'im down, Bee!

Mikaela Banes: You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Sam Witwicky: And?
Mikaela Banes: I'd do anything for you.
Mikaela Banes: And?
Judy Witwicky: [watching intently] He's about to say the L-word?
Ron Witwicky: [impatient] Come on, kiddo.
Sam Witwicky: I... adore you.

Ron Witwicky: You'll see that a lot in college, too.
Sam Witwicky: What are you talking about, Dad?
Ron Witwicky: There's gonna be a lot of women there.
Sam Witwicky: Yeah, well, I'm a one-woman kind of guy.
Ron Witwicky: Look, Mikaela's the greatest, but you gotta give each other room to grow, okay? You're no different than any other couple your age.
Sam Witwicky: Except we discovered an alien race together.
Ron Witwicky: [scoffs] How long you gonna ride that scooter?

Ron Witwicky: I don't know what's going on, but we gotta move!


"The Transformers: Megatron's Master Plan: Part 2 (#2.16)" (1985)
[after hearing that the Autobots' ship was destroyed]
Spike Witwickey: The Autobots may be gone, but I still have to clear their names!
[Spike runs with the incriminating tape, intending to use it to reveal the Decepticons' trick. Sparkplug tries to stop his son, but it is too late]
Sparkplug Witwicky: Spike, Son! Don't! Spike, come back!
[hearing the commotion, Soundwave turns and sees Spike running away with the tape]
Soundwave: Laserbeak, Ravage - get him!
[Soundwave presses a switch on his left shoulder. His chest-lid opens, and Laserbeak and Ravage emerge, chasing Spike. While running, Spike's foot gets caught at projector base. He falls down and the tape drops from his hand]
Spike Witwickey: The tape!
[Laserbeak shoots and destroys the tape, while Ravage charges at Spike. At the last moment, Spike stands on his feet and jumps aside. Ravage bumps against pile of filming equipment and gets caught in it]
Shawn Berger: It is the end! Hahah! The apocalypse!
[to the astonishment of the others, Berger rushes to help Spike]
Mayor: Berger!
[Laserbeak shoots at Spike, narrowly missing. Berger grabs microphone pole and hits Laserbeak with it. Laserbeak loses balance while flying and crashes down. Meanwhile, Ravage manages to get free and charges again at Spike. Spike turns on a projector directly at Ravage, blinding him temporarily, halting his charge. Berger approaches Spike]
Shawn Berger: Are you all right, kid?
Megatron: [approaches them] Compassion is for fools, Berger! You're going nowhere, boy!
[Starscream and Soundwave pick Sparkplug and Chip]
Spike Witwickey: Megatron, please, don't hurt them...
Megatron: [teasing] And why should I want to hurt them? Healthy slaves can do much more work. And you, Berger, do you still want your reward?
Shawn Berger: Yes!
Megatron: Then you shall have it. Everything that you've earned...
[Megatron laughs viciously]

[Megatron and Starscream are touring the power plant]
Megatron: Have you ever seen so much energy, Starscream?
[Soundwave's sensors detect danger]
Soundwave: Warning! Strong energy transmissions detected.
Megatron: [impatiently] Of course, from these generators, Soundwave!
Soundwave: Negative, Megatron. From primitive jet engines.
[an Air Force group heads for the power plant. Hearing Soundwave, the prisoners are filled with hope for rescue]
Sparkplug Witwicky: [excitedly] Jet engines?
Megatron: Starscream, go and...
Starscream: I anticipated your order, Megatron!
[Starscream transforms into airplane and breaks through the ceiling]
Starscream: Decepticons, transform!
[Blitzwing, Thrust, Dirge, Ramjet, Thundercracker and Skywarp transform and join Starscream in attack formation. As the Air Force closes in, the Decepticons jets open fire, destroying several of the approaching jets. The surviving aircrafts retreat, without having fired even one single shot at the Decepticons during the battle]
Starscream: [yelling after the retreating aircrafts] Any further rescue attempts... will result in the termination of this city!

[after the Air Force retreated, Megatron boasts his victory]
Megatron: You see? Even Earth's mightiest warriors cannot stop us. Soon, other cities will fall, then others, one after the next... until Earth is ours!
[Megatron points his arm-cannon at the prisoners]
Shawn Berger: No, I won't let you!
[Berger rushes toward Megatron, placing himself in front of the other prisoners. With slight move of his hand, Megatron knocks Berger down]
Megatron: Grovel for my amusement!
[Megatron points again his his arm-cannon at the prisoners, who are paralyzed with fear. Suddenly, loud noise is heard from the outside, as if many vehicles are heading to the power plant]
Spike Witwickey: You hear that? It sounds like...
Chip Chase, Sparkplug Witwicky: [excitedly] Autobots!
Optimus Prime: [his voice is heard from outside the building] Megatron!
Megatron: No!
[Megatron blasts a hole in the near wall, scaring the workers away. He runs outside and is shocked to see all the Autobots there]
Megatron: Impossible! I saw you disintegrated!
Optimus Prime: Illusion, Megatron. Just as you made the people of Earth see us as villains - so we, too, staged an illusion.

[last lines]
Ironhide: [frees Chip of the electronic handcuffs] Uhh, there you go, Chip. Free.
Chip Chase: Huh, thanks, Ironhide! Is there anything you can't do?
[the Autobots and the ex-prisoners are gathered outside the power plant]
Mayor: If you can ever forgive us, Optimus Prime, please stay here on Earth.
Shawn Berger: [genuinely remorseful] I doubt anyone will ever forgive me, but I'll... I'll make amends. I'll... I'll disband my private army.
Sparkplug Witwicky: [sarcastically] Oh, that's real *big* of you, Berger. They all quit when they found out what a dog lunch you are!
[one of Berger's ex-guards nods in approval]
Shawn Berger: Well, um, I... I... I said I'm sorry.
Optimus Prime: You are going to face justice, and may it be kinder to you than it was to us. Autobots, transform and roll for home!
[the Autobots transform into vehicles and drive to base with their three loyal human friends]


"The Transformers: Heavy Metal War (#1.14)" (1984)
[as Megatron approaches the Autobots' headquarters, Ironhide's sensors warn of his presence]
Ironhide: Huh? Those signals spell trouble, and I'm talkin' Decepticons!
Sparkplug Witwicky: Can you make out how many, Spike?
Spike Witwicky: Looks like just one, Dad.
[Megatron appears in sight]
Spike Witwicky: One's one too many when it's Megatron!

[the battle begins. Optimus Prime and Megatron advance toward each other ]
Optimus Prime: One-to-one combat, Megatron!
Megatron: With the vanquished and his army exiled to deep space forever.
[Optimus offer handshake. Megatron, treacherous as ever, takes advantage of this friendly gesture. Optimus Prime shivers as he suffers electrical shock. Smiling viciously, Megatron pulls his hand up and backward, throwing Optimus to the other side of the arena. The Autobots react disappointedly with "Oh no!" "C'mon!" calls]
Optimus Prime: [heavily struggles to his feet] Uhh... never knew he was... that strong.
[Before Optimus can recover, Megatron shoots and hits him in the chest, sending him down]
Starscream: [to Skywarp] My power chip gives him the use of my cluster bombs.
[Optimus blocks Megatron's next shot with his left arm, and shoots a ball of fire from his right palm, hitting Megatron in the chest. Megatron shivers in pain, nearly falls. The Autobots cheer, thinking that from now on Optimus gains the upper hand]
Sparkplug Witwicky: Go, Optimus!
Spike Witwicky: All right, Optimus! Zap him good!
[Megatron quickly recovers. From his right loin, gun barrel protrudes, shooting at Optimus. Optimus is hit and collapses]
Starscream: And the use of my null ray, too.
[using Rumble's power, Megatron hits the ground, creating a ravine which stretches to under Optimus' feet. Optimus falls into the ravine. Rumble points himself proudly. Optimus climbs out of the ravine, grabs huge boulder and throws it at Megatron. Megatron teleports himself. The boulder falls at the spot where Megatron was a moment ago and splits. Megatron re-appears behind Optimus]
Skywarp: You should see ME do that when I've got my power chip!
Spike Witwicky: Optimus, behind you!
[Optimus hears Spike's warning and starts to turn back, but it is too late. Megatron shoots Optimus in the back. Optimus falls on his knees]

[Optimus Prime, severely damaged, strains to keep figthing while the Autobots encourage him]
Chip Chase: Optimus Prime!
Spike Witwicky: Get up, Optimus!
Sparkplug Witwicky: You can beat him, Optimus!
[Optimus Prime shoots and hits Megatron. The Autobots cheer for him]
Ironhide: Way to go, Prime! You're not down yet!
[Optimus Prime charges at Megatron, grabbing him by the waist. Megatron flies upward, dragging Optimus Prime with him, laughing viciously]
Megatron: [laughing] You cannot blast what you cannot see!
[flashes of light burst out of Megatron's chest, blinding Optimus Prime temporarily, forcing him to let go of his opponent. Optimus Prime falls to the ground with heavy thud, to the dismay of the Autobots, who exclaim "Oh no!". Before he can recover, Megatron uses another of his borrowed weapons]
Megatron: [laughing] Nor what you cannot hear!
[Megatron unleashes high-frequency soundwaves. Optimus Prime drops his gun and tries to cover his ears from the deafening sound, writhing in agony on his knees]
Starscream: [to Skywarp] Reflector and Thundercracker must be proud, or rather their power chip rectifiers must be...
[Megatron lands and shoots Optimus Prime in the back. Optimus Prime collapses]
Megatron: You were good, Optimus Prime, but not good enough to fight Megatron! And so the battle ends!
[Megatron shoots Optimus Prime, who is so damaged that cannot fight anymore]


Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)
Judy Witwicky: Sam, I think for a job interview that you should wear real pants.
Sam Witwicky: I think for life, you should wear real pants.
Judy Witwicky: [Sees Sam's new car] Oh, what happened to Bumblebee?
Sam Witwicky: He's off on his missions. I had to get this for backup.
Ron Witwicky: Your car has a job, huh?
Judy Witwicky: Stop. What does it change into?
Sam Witwicky: It doesn't change into anything. It's a collector's item, Ma. I got it for a steal. It just needs some work. Trust me.
Judy Witwicky: No, I think it's darling. It reminds me a lot of Bumblebee, if Bumblebee were a sad piece of shit.


"The Transformers: The Ultimate Doom: Revival (3) (#1.10)" (1984)
Sparkplug Witwicky: Thanks, guys, for not giving up on me. Especially you, Spike.
Spike Witwicky: Dad, it's like you taught me: You never quit on the people you love.
Brawn: Mushy, but true.


"The Transformers: Attack of the Autobots (#2.10)" (1985)
Jazz: Like, wow! Rock and roll with real rocks!
Sparkplug Witwicky: It's called an avalanche!