Bridget Jones
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Quotes for
Bridget Jones (Character)
from Bridget Jones's Diary (2001)

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Bridget Jones's Diary (2001)
Bridget: This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.

Bridget: Wait a minute... nice boys don't kiss like that.
Mark Darcy: Oh, yes, they fucking do.

Bridget: Thank you, Daniel, that is very good to know. But if staying here means working within 10 yards of you, frankly, I'd rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein's arse.

Interviewer: What do you think about the El Nino phenomenon?
Bridget: It's a blip. Latin music's on its way out.

[From the trailer]
[answering phone]
Bridget: Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs... Dad... Hi.

[From the UK release]
[answering phone]
Bridget: Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with a very bad man between her thighs... Mum... Hi.

Bridget: Daniel, what you just did is actually illegal in several countries.
Daniel Cleaver: That is one of the reasons that I'm so thrilled to be living in Britain today.

Daniel Cleaver: First, have some more wine, and then tell me the story about practicing French kissing with the art girls at school, because it's a very good story.
Bridget: It wasn't French kissing.
Daniel Cleaver: Don't care, make it up. That's an order, Jones.

Bridget: I choose Vodka. And Chaka Khan.

Daniel Cleaver: Come on Bridget, we belong together - you, me, poor little skirt. If I can't make it with you then I can't make it with anyone.
Bridget: That's not a good enough offer for me.

Tom: Whose side are we on?
Shazzer: Mark's, of course. He never dumped Bridget for some naked American.
Bridget: But he did shag Daniel's fiancée and left him broken-hearted.
Tom: You're right, it's a tough one to call.

Bridget: Here is the man we like to call Mr., uh,
[to herself]
Bridget: Titspervert. Titspervert.
[to audience]
Bridget: Fitzherbert. Because... that is his name.

Bridget: It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.

Bridget: So what do you think of the situation in Chechnya?
Daniel Cleaver: I couldn't give a fuck, Jones.

Bridget: [to Cosmo and Woney] Tell me, is it one in four marriages that end in divorce these days, or one in three?
Mark Darcy: One in three.

Bridget: [as Una Alconberry] No, Pam. Besides, the gravy needs sieving.
Mark Darcy: [as Pamela Jones] Surely not, just stir it Una.

Pam Jones: [to Bridget on 'phone] I must say the sex is still quite surprising. Do you know just the other day I was just dozing off and I felt this huge...
Bridget: Bye mum.
[replaces receiver]
Bridget: Ugh.

Jude: Just as you are? Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts or slightly smaller nose?
Bridget: No.
Shazzer: Well, fuck me.
Tom: This is someone you hate right?
Bridget: Yes, yes, I hate him.

Bridget: [rummaging through her fridge] Where the fuck's the fucking tuna?
[imitating her line on TV]
Bridget: This is Bridget Jones, with Sit Up Britain, searching for tuna.

Bridget: Now, I'll go home and... de-bunny.

Mark Darcy: I like you, very much.
Bridget: Ah, apart from the smoking and the drinking, the vulgar mother and... ah, the verbal diarrhea.
Mark Darcy: No, I like you very much. Just as you are.

Bridget: My mum, a strange creature from the time when pickles on toothpicks were still the height of sophistication.

[Bridget glimpses Mark for the first time]
Bridget: Perhaps this is the mysterious Mr. Right I have been waiting my whole life to meet.
[sees reindeer sweater]
Bridget: Maybe not.

Bridget: You once said you liked me just as I am and I just wanted to say likewise. I mean there are stupid things your mum buys you, tonight's another... classic. You're haughty, and you always say the wrong thing in every situation and I seriously believe that you should rethink the length of your sideburns. But, you're a nice man and I like you. If you wanted to pop by some time that might be nice... more than nice.
Mark Darcy: Right, crikey.

Bridget: Have bottom size of Brazil.

Shazzer: Introduce people with thoughtful details. Such as: "Sheila, this is Daniel. Daniel, this is Sheila. Sheila enjoys horse-riding and comes from New Zealand. Daniel enjoys publishing and comes..."
Bridget: ...all over your face?

Bridget: Apparently, I used to run round naked in his paddling pool.
Daniel Cleaver: I bet you did, you dirty bitch.

Richard Finch: Why do you wanna work on television?
Bridget: I've got to leave my job because I shagged my boss.
Richard Finch: Fair enough. Start on Monday.

Bridget: I owe you an apology about Daniel. He said you ran off with his fiancée and left him brokenhearted.
Mark Darcy: No, it was the other way around. My wife. My heart.

Daniel Cleaver: Now these are very silly little boots, Jones. And this is a very silly little dress. And, um, these are, fuck me, absolutely enormous panties.
Bridget: Jesus. Fuck.
Daniel Cleaver: No, no. Don't apologize. I like them. Hello, Mummy.
[they kiss]
Daniel Cleaver: I'm sorry, I have to have another look. They're too good to be true.
Bridget: No...
Daniel Cleaver: They're nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm wearing something similar myself.

Bridget: Did I really run round your lawn naked?
Mark Darcy: Oh, yes. You were four and I was eight.
Bridget: Well, that's a pretty big age difference. It's quite pervy really.
Mark Darcy: Yes, I like to think so.

Bridget: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. Well, I meant it, but I was so stupid that I didn't mean what I meant... After all, it's only a diary. Everyone knows diaries are just... full of crap.
Mark Darcy: Yes, I know that. I was just buying you a new one.

Shazzer: Look, are you coming to fucking Paris or not?
Bridget: Um, not.
Shazzer: No fucking room, anyway.

Bridget: [to carolers] Bugger off.

Bridget: Resolution #1: Uggg - will obviously lose 20 lbs. #2: Always put last night's panties in the laundry basket. Equally important: will find nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts. Will especially stop fantasizing about a particular person who embodies all these things.

Bridget: Are you staying at your parents for New Years?
Mark Darcy: Yes. You?
Bridget: Ah, no. Was at a party in London last night, I'm afraid I'm a bit hungover.
[nervous laugh]
Bridget: Wish I could be home with my head in a toilet like all normal people...
[pause]
Bridget: ...ah! New Year's Resolution: drink less... and quit smoking... and quit talking total nonsense to strangers... actually, quit talking, full stop.
[awkward silence]
Mark Darcy: Yes. Well. Perhaps it's time to eat.

Bridget: The only thing worse than smug married couple; lots of smug married couples.

[regarding the blue soup]
Bridget: How's it look?
Mark: Uh, great. It's, um, blue.
Bridget: Blue?
Mark: No, but, blue is good. If you ask me there isn't enough blue food.
Bridget: Oh, shit! It must be the string.
Mark: Oh, it's string soup?

Bridget: What are we going to do about this dinner, then?
Mark: We have blue soup to start, orange pudding to end, and, well, for a main course you have, uh, congealed green gunge.

Perpetua: Anyone going to introduce me?
Bridget: [to herself] Ah. Introduce people with thoughtful details. Perpetua, this is Mark Darcy. Mark is a prematurely middle-aged prick with a cruel raced ex-wife. Perpetua is a fat-ass old bag who spends her time bossing me around.
[to herself]
Bridget: Maybe not.
Perpetua: Anyone going to introduce me?
Bridget: Ah, Perpetua. This is Mark Darcy. Mark is a top barrister. Comes from Grafton Underwood. Perpetua is one of my work colleagues.

Shazzer: Exactly. I mean there's been all these bloody hints and stuff, but has he ever actually stuck his fucking tongue down your fucking throat?
Bridget: No. Not once!

Bridget: [voiceover] Resolution number one: obviously, will lose twenty pounds. Number two: will find nice sensible boyfriend and not continue to form romantic attachments to alcoholics, workaholics, peeping-toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts.

Mark Darcy: Bridget!
Bridget: Mark... What are you doing here?
Mark Darcy: I was just wondering if you were available for Bar Mitzvahs and Christenings in addition to Ruby Weddings.
Bridget: I thought you were in America.
Mark Darcy: Well I was... but I realized I had forgotten something here.
Bridget: Which was...?
Mark Darcy: Well, I realized that I had forgotten to... kiss you goodbye, do you mind?
Bridget: Umm... not really, no. So... does this mean you're *not* going to America?
Mark Darcy: No... not.
Bridget: Does this mean you're staying here?
Mark Darcy: It would seem so...
Mark Darcy: [notices her friends cheering] Friends of yours?
Bridget: Oh, haha... never seen them before in my life.

Bridget: Look, are you and Cosmo in on this together? Because every time I see you, you seem to go out of your way to make me feel like a *complete* idiot. And you really needn't bother: I already feel like an idiot most of the time anyway - with or without the fireman's pole.

Bridget: [narrating ] Great. I was wearing a carpet.

Shazzer: Fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of 'em. Tell 'em they can stick fucking Leevis up their fucking asses.
Bridget: [narrating] Shazzer. Journalist. Likes to say "fuck."

Mark Darcy: That's not a sand piper, Bridget, it's a snowy plover.
Bridget: Sand pipers, plovers, albatrosses! Do I look like a bloody entomologist?
Mark Darcy: Ornithologist...

Bridget: [fight enters Greek restaurant] No, no, no, no, no, no!
Tom: Oh, yes!

Bridget: [referring to Darcy's and Cleaver's bad relationship] That's why you always acted so strangely around him, and beat him to a pulp quite rightly.
[awkward pause]
Bridget: Well done.


Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
Mark Darcy: [answers the phone] Hello?
Bridget Jones: It's me. Just wondered how you are.
Mark Darcy: I'm fine thanks. Everything alright with you?
Bridget Jones: Fine, though, er, I've just had a rather graphic shag flashback. You do have a genuinely gorgeous bottom.
Mark Darcy: Right, well, thank you. I'm actually with the Mexican Ambassador just at the moment and the Head of Amnesty International and the Under Secretary for Trade and Industry and you're on speakerphone.
Bridget Jones: Oh, right.

Mark Darcy: And this is Horatio...
Bridget Jones: Horatio?
Mark Darcy: Yes, Horatio.

Bridget Jones: I read that you should never go out with someone if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
Mark Darcy: And can you think of three?
Bridget Jones: Yes.
Mark Darcy: Which are?
Bridget Jones: First off, I embarrass you. I can't ski, I can't ride, I can't speak Latin , my legs only come up to here and yes I will always be just a little bit fat. And you, you fold your underpants before you go to bed!
Mark Darcy: No, hang on! That-that can't be a reason.
Bridget Jones: No, it's not a reason! But you're not perfect either! You look down your nose at absolutely everyone and you're incapable of doing anything spontaneous or potentially affectionate.
[pause]
Bridget Jones: It feels like you're waiting to find someone in the VIP room who's- who's so fantastic, just the way she is, that you don't need to fix her.
Mark Darcy: Bridget, this is mad.
Bridget Jones: And perhaps you thought you found her.
[long pause]
Bridget Jones: Do you *want* to marry me?
[awkward silence]
Mark Darcy: Look- I...
Bridget Jones: You see, you can never muster the strength, to fight for me.
[long silence. Mark opens his mouth and closes it again. Bridget walks out]

Bridget Jones: She's got legs up to here! My legs only come up to here!

Bridget Jones: Daniel Cleaver is a deceitful, sexist, disgusting specimen of humanity that I wouldn't share a lift with, let alone a job.
Daniel Cleaver: [swings around on his chair, coming into Bridget's view] Oh, come on Jones there must have been something you liked about me.
Bridget Jones: You have a nice car. And - quite nice manners, outside the bedroom. But that's about it. And by the way, I know exactly where Germany is. The question is, do you know the location of your arsehole?
[walks out]
Daniel Cleaver: [to other colleagues] As a matter of fact I do know the exact location of my arsehole. And hers, for that matter.

[last lines]
Bridget Jones: I truly believe that happiness is possible... even when you're thirty-three and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.

Bridget Jones: You think you've found the right man, but there's so much wrong with him, and then he finds there's so much wrong with you, and then it all just falls apart.

Bridget Jones: Friends - they spend years trying to find you a boyfriend, but the moment you get one, they instantly tell you to dump him!

Bridget Jones: You can't do this, I'm English! And an award-winning journalist... Well, maybe not award-winning, but I have been to *lots* of award ceremonies.

Mark Darcy: [Bridget gets out of bed covered in a sheet and begins to fumble around] What on Earth are you doing?
Bridget Jones: Getting dressed.
Mark Darcy: Why're you dancing around in that tent business?
Bridget Jones: Because I don't want you to see any of my wobbly bits.
Mark Darcy: Well now that's a bit pointless, isn't it? As I happen to have a very high regard for your wobbly bits. In all circumstances.
Bridget Jones: [Bridget's head emerges from the sheet] Really?
Mark Darcy: Absolutely. I think it's high time we had another look.
[Bridget drops the sheet on the floor]

Bridget Jones: [diary] Have never been happier in entire life. However, must not obsess or fantasize.
[pause]
Bridget Jones: Bridget Darcy; Mrs. Darcy; Mr. and Mrs. Darcy; Lord and Lady Darcy!

Bridget Jones: [diary] Wonder what Mark Darcy would be like as a father. Father to his children I mean, not to me. That would be weird Oedipus-like thought.

Bridget Jones: I will not fuck it up again, Mum.
Mum: Bridget! Language!
Bridget Jones: Sorry. I will not fuck it up again... mother.

Bridget Jones: [Bridget is on the phone talking to Mark's answering machine while he waits outside her flat] You're outside! Look err, I'll ring you later. Unless you've come to chuck me once and for all, in which case... Bye and thank you and sorry.
[Mark buzzes up again from outside]
Bridget Jones: Oh God please don't chuck me, don't chuck me. If you have chucked me, please change your mind, I'll behave much better in future.
[pause]
Bridget Jones: On the other hand if you haven't chucked me please behave better next time we go out. Stuck up snob.

Bridget Jones: You know, I never really understood why you wanted to date me. It seems so unlikely.
Daniel Cleaver: Come on, Jones, for God's sake. You're sexy. You make me laugh - at you of course, not with you. And you were, incidentally, the best shag I ever had.

Bridget Jones: He must still love me!

Mark Darcy: Can I ask you a question Bridget?
Bridget Jones: Of course, any question... as long as it's not, 'Will You Marry Me'.
[pause after looking at Mark's face]
Bridget Jones: Omg, it is isn't it? It's will you Marry me? Ok, no! Wait, pretend that we just came out...
[walks back to the door, opens and closes it]
Bridget Jones: and you asked me if you could ask me a question and I said yes and NOTHING more. Ok, go.
Mark Darcy: Bridget Jones, will you marry me?

Rebecca: Bridget Jones!
Bridget Jones: No, I'm Bridget Jones!

Mark Darcy: As a matter of fact, I have a question to ask you.
Bridget Jones: Okay. As long as it's not, "Will you marry me?"
[chuckles. Mark looks devastated]
Bridget Jones: Oh, God... It *is* "Will you marry me?"
Mark Darcy: Well, I'm not going to say it now.
Bridget Jones: No, no, no! Just wait!
[runs back to the door]
Mark Darcy: The moment's gone, Bridget.
Bridget Jones: We've just come out into the corridor and you say, "I've got a question to ask you" and then I don't say *anything*!
[pause]
Bridget Jones: and you say...
Mark Darcy: [pause] Bridget Jones, will you marry me?

Bridget Jones: You are angry.
Mark Darcy: No, I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed.
Bridget Jones: Disappointed? Oh, God, that's worse than angry.
Mark Darcy: I'm just disappointed I can't take you home this instant.

Mark Darcy: Bridget, will you stop? Stop staring at me while I'm asleep. Now, find something to do.
Bridget Jones: Sorry.
[Bridget turns away, only to turn back around again to look at Mark]

Bridget Jones: Am late, with mad hair, and can barely breathe in scary knickers.

Shazzer: [suitcase won't shut] Fuck!
Bridget Jones: What?
Shazzer: There's no fucking room in the fucking suitcase.

Daniel Cleaver: Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance? Hmm?
Bridget Jones: Except Hitler.

Shazzer: [on Daniel Cleaver] You wouldn't sleep with him?
Bridget Jones: No, of course not. Absolutely not.
[pause]
Bridget Jones: But he is clever.
Shazzer: Yes?
Bridget Jones: And handsome.
Shazzer: He's also a dysfunctional, fucked-up, middle-aged lost boy!
Bridget Jones: [pause] Well, no one's perfect.

Bridget Jones: Janey Osbourne. Talking to her is like swimming in a sea and being stung repeatedly by an enormous jellyfish.

Dad: Ciggy?
Bridget Jones: No. No thanks. I've given up again.
Dad: Shame. I find them very useful. I take great comfort in the fact that they might kill me before things actually get worse.

Daniel Cleaver: Oh, come on Jones. Who gave who the hoof... and why?
Bridget Jones: Let's just say... that we suffered from fatal incompatibility.

Rebecca: It was me who recommended this resort. I've been coming here since I was 11.
Bridget Jones: [says to herself] Wow. Three whole years!

Bridget Jones: Well, uh... I just wanted to tell Mr. Darcy that I heard what magnificent work he actually did, releasing me from prison. Tiny... tiny misunderstanding to do with an enormous stash of cocaine. And I also wanted to say, since having found out that his girlfriend is actually a lesbian, that I love him. Always have. Always will. And that I'm, you know, available for dates if he should feel so inclined.

Shazzer: [Whisper to Bridget] Jellyfisher alert. Jellyfisher alert.
[turns away]
Bridget Jones: Janey Osbourne. Talking to her is like swimming in a sea and being stung repeatedly by an enormous jellyfish.

Bridget Jones: [Diary] Oh God, I'm very worried. What if someone says, "Bridget Jones get out of here, you are ridiculous"?