Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski
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Quotes for
Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski (Character)
from The Whole Nine Yards (2000)

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The Whole Ten Yards (2004)
[from trailer]
Jimmy Tudeski: You refused to follow the ABCs of professional killing!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: There's an actual ABC for professional killing?
Jimmy Tudeski: Shut up!

Jill: [refering to Jimmy's crucifix] Where did he get, Oz?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I don't know.
[in a flash, Jill is holding the point of a knife to his Adam's Apple]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [very fast] It's Cynthia's; she got it from her grandmother when she was a child, and Cynthia gave it to Jimmy for good luck on hits.
Jimmy Tudeski: [grabs Oz by the throat] You say you're not a squealer! Huh?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: So this is how a retired mass murderer acts.
Jimmy Tudeski: No. This is how a retired mass murderer acts when people show up uninvited.
[grabs Oz by the throat]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Noted.

Lazlo: You killed my Strabo.
Jimmy Tudeski: Actually, Strabo was already dead. He got shot when your hitter tried to shoot us.
Lazlo: [looks at Julie] Is this true?
Julie: Hey, Lazlo. Shit happens, all right?
Lazlo: Oh yeah. Watch this shit happen.
[shoots Julie with Jill's gun as she is holding it]

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [hears and sees Jimmy shooting bullets at him] Jimmy! Jimmy, don't shoot! It's me, it's Oz!
Jimmy Tudeski: I know.
[shoots at him again]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Okay, that almost hit me!

[Jimmy, Oz, and Cynthia, are Lazlo's prisoners; Jill, outside, has Lazlo's son hostage]
Lazlo: [shouting] Where's my son?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: All right, that's it!
Cynthia: Oz...
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: No, I've had enough!
[suddenly tough]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: If you ever want to see your son again, you'll let us go right now.
Lazlo: Is that right?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yeah, that's right! And if we're not out of here by eleven o'clock, Jill's gonna put one in Strabo's forehead. Just like Jimmy put one in Janni's forehead. Oh... it wasn't pretty.
Lazlo: [enraged] Give me a gun.
Jimmy Tudeski: [impressed] Not bad, Oz.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Thanks.

Jimmy Tudeski: [catchs Oz and a topless Jill holding each other] What's all this?
[look to Oz]
Jimmy Tudeski: First my ex-wife, now my wife-wife.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: No, no, no! She just hated her outfit.
Jimmy Tudeski: Come here.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [to Jill] I think he wants to talk to you for a minute.
Jimmy Tudeski: [points at Oz] No, you.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Oh.
[Jimmy grabs Oz and throws him against the wall]

Jimmy Tudeski: [Jill points a gun at him] You don't have the balls.
Jill: Ha. This coming from a guy who rarely gets it up.
Cynthia: That's funny. He never had that problem with me.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Hell, you were shooting at me in Mexico. Was that all part of the plan?
Jimmy Tudeski: As a matter of fact. It was. Yeah.

Jill: For two years I have been begging you to go back to work and then when Cynthia gets kidnapped, you're off to the races.
Jimmy Tudeski: Off to the races?

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [after Oz wakes up naked in a bed with Jimmy] What the hell happened last night? And why does my ass hurt?
Jimmy Tudeski: You fell down a flight of stairs.

Jimmy Tudeski: Stay away from my chickens, Oz.

Jimmy Tudeski: If you ever grab me like that again, I will stick a knife in your face.

Strabo: [after seeing Jimmy and Oz in a bed together] A little male bonding?
Jimmy Tudeski: Just like C block, huh Strabo?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [in the background] I fell down the stairs, Strabo!

Jimmy Tudeski: You know I was a bed wetter?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You don't do it anymore, do you?
Jimmy Tudeski: When I was 12 I saw my father naked in a shower.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Well, that's probably why you wet the bed. Very Freudian. Jungian.

Jimmy Tudeski: [to Oz] Squeal bag! Squealster! Remington Squeal!

Jimmy Tudeski: Do unto others before you're turned into a pillar of salt.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: A pillar of salt?
Jimmy Tudeski: Yeah. Moses said that. Read the bible, Oz!

Jimmy Tudeski: [Talking to Lazlo while getting shot at] did you hire a hitter?
Lazlo: I can't really remember. Why? Is somebody shooting at you?

Jimmy Tudeski: What is this?
[referring to a tower of glasses on the table]
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: It's what we've been building for the last few hours.
Jimmy Tudeski: Well, get it out of here!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Why?
Jimmy Tudeski: Because I hate it! It makes me sad.

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I don't think God keeps an eye on your sperm. What kind of job is that for God? It'd take him all day. I'm gonna throw up.
Jimmy Tudeski: [later] Did you have a good relationship with your father?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yeah, we were like pals.
Jimmy Tudeski: I wanna to kill my father. I want to take a icepick and stick it right in his eyeball.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Still gonna throw up.
Jimmy Tudeski: We had some great times though.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You and your father?
Jimmy Tudeski: No. Me and Cynthia.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: [burps] That's almost vomit.

Jimmy Tudeski: Oh no! Look it! Blanche!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Who's Blanche?
Jimmy Tudeski: Consuelo! Xerxes! Alert the others! There's been a tragedy!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Who's Blanche?
Jimmy Tudeski: This is Blanche. You killed her.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'm sorry.
Jimmy Tudeski: Go home, Oz. Go home before something bad happens.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Something bad already has happened; Cynthia's been kidnapped!
Jimmy Tudeski: Blanche, put down in her prime...
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: He names his chickens! You name your chickens?
[Jimmy runs away crying]
Jimmy Tudeski: WAAAHHHH! Blanche! You're DEAD!

Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Why don't you just consider adopting.
Jimmy Tudeski: Come on Oz, how many adoption agencies are gonna give a kid to a professional killer.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You may have a point there.
Jimmy Tudeski: Maybe i could just steal a kid. They're small. How hard can that be.

Jimmy Tudeski: [referring to Lazlo] Jill, tie him up!
Jill: What am I gonna tie him up for? I'm gonna kill him!

The Whole Nine Yards (2000)
Jimmy: It's not important how many people I've killed. What's important is how I get along with the people who are still alive.

Jimmy: Everyone dies.
Oz: [looks worried]
Jimmy: Sooner or later.

Jimmy: [Oz is mowing his lawn and Jimmy shows up] Hey Oz, since I'm new here I was wondering if you could show me the sites, you know?
Oz: Now?
Jimmy: [puts Oz in the car] Yeah, don't worry it's not gonna kill ya.
Oz: [quietly] Promise?

Jimmy: I'm gonna keep the coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door.
[after a beat, the waiter turns to Oz]
Oz: I'm fine.
[the waiter leaves, and Jimmy starts laughing]
Jimmy: Fine? Let me tell you something, Oz. You are *not* fine. Do you know your wife wants you dead?
Oz: [tugs off his wedding ring] That much I've figured out.

Jimmy: But just so you know, I am disappointed, Oz. I am extremely disappointed with you.
Oz: Believe me, you are the last person I would ever want to disappoint, but everything I everything I did, was for love.
Jimmy: Yeah, whatever.

Jimmy: I take it you're not Canadian.
Oz: Only by marriage.

Jill St. Claire: You don't like the Walther?
Jimmy: I think you should go with what you're comfortable with.
Jill St. Claire: It's what James Bond uses.
Jimmy: Really?
Jill St. Claire: Yeah.

Oz: Damn it, Jimmy. What the hell did you have to go and move in next door to me?
Jimmy: Oz, do you know what kind of soil they have in this back yard? I've been here two days and I've got little tomato plants...
Oz: Oh my God.

Jimmy: You like living in Canada?
Oz: No, I live here with my wife.

Jimmy: Every red-blooded American knows that the only condiment that you are ever supposed to put on a hamburger is KETCHUP! Or MAYBE some of that SPECIAL SAUCE you like so much here in Canada; which I think has a little bit of mayonnaise in it too! But I swear to God when they start slapping that mayonnaise on there I could kill somebody.

Jimmy: The great and powerful Oz.

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: You're a dentist?
Oz: Afraid so.
Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: You suicidal?
Oz: Why would you say that?
Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: Well, I read that dentists are prone to suicide.
Oz: Look, Jimmy, I may hate my life, but I certainly don't want to die.

Jimmy: [speaking about Oz] You are the most chivalrous guy I've ever met.
Jill St. Claire: Do you see why I couldn't kill him?
Jimmy: I love him!

Jimmy: Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each other's wives.

Jimmy: I'm telling you this like a friend because if you screw this up - I would hate to... I would really hate to have to kill you. I would hate it more than mayonnaise. You know how much I hate mayonnaise.

Oz: Why did you kill him?
Jimmy: Well, I had to kill one of you.
Oz: Well, then you definitely made the right decision. But why did you have to kill him?

Jimmy: You know this whole... sneaking into the house thing, to try to kill me? You guys are really good! You really... heh heh heh... bye, Janni!
[shoots Janni in the head]

[after Oz tells Jimmy over a payphone he loves Jimmy's wife, while Jimmy doesn't know they slept together]
Jimmy: Will you listen to yourself? What are you talkin' about, you love her? You just met her!
[to Frankie]
Jimmy: He said he's in love with Cynthia!
Frankie Figs: No shit!
Jill St. Claire: So SHE'S the one!
Jimmy: She's the one what?
Jill St. Claire: The one he schtupped in Chicago!
Jimmy: The one he...

Jimmy: My wife? You shtupped my wife, Oz?
Oz: I wouldn't exactly phrase it that way, exactly...
Jimmy: [with increasing anger] No, no, no! Let me get this straight. You went down to Chicago and engaged in sexual CONGRESS with my wife? Is that what you're telling me?
Jill St. Claire: Jimmy, Jimmy, calm down!
Jimmy: [now livid] IS IT? I SWEAR TO GOD...!
[Jill takes the phone from Jimmy]
Oz: [to Cynthia] He's a little upset. I've managed to upset a mass murderer.
[into phone]
[Jill takes the phone away]
Jimmy: It's a DISGRACE...
Jill St. Claire: [into phone] Oz, you stud, you!
Frankie Figs: Gonna be a DEAD stud.

Jimmy: [after finding out Oz slept with his wife] I'll tell you one thing. You got balls.
Oz: Yeah. Who knew?

Jimmy: [after Oz makes him laugh] You sure you're a dentist?
Oz: Yeah. Why?
Jimmy: Because I've never met a dentist I liked.
Oz: Well, I try to keep things as painless as possible.
Jimmy: Me, too.

Jimmy: You're a lucky guy, Oz.
Oz: Why would you say that?
Jimmy: You're about to find out if the woman you love loves you. You know, if it were me, in her position, I'd just take the money and run.
Oz: So what are you betting on?
Jimmy: I'm betting on love. Love for you means money for me. And like I said before, I'd really hate to have to kill you.