Tom Logan
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Quotes for
Tom Logan (Character)
from Scary Movie 3 (2003)

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Scary Movie 4 (2006)
Tom Ryan: [Puts gun down the back of his pants and it goes off] Ow! My ass.
[Puts gun down the front of his pants and it goes off]
Tom Ryan: Penis!

[Unrated Version]
Tom Ryan: I've never been a good parent. Just ask my son.
Cindy Campbell: I did. What exactly is an "cock monger"?
Tom Ryan: That's not important right now.

Tom Ryan: I'm not a very good father. Just ask my son.
Cindy Campbell: I did. What exactly is a "taint-licker"?
Tom Ryan: That's not important right now.

Tom Ryan: [a football just hit Cindy] Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!
Cindy Campbell: [Raspy voice] It's okay. My throat cushioned the blow.

Oliver: We gotta find a way to take out these tripods. I heard that the Japs took out a few of 'em over in Kikkoman.
Tom Ryan: Kikkoman. That's- That's a soy sauce.
Oliver: Right, yeah. Low sodium.

Cindy Campbell: That last lightning bolt smelled like...
Rachel: ...A giant turd...
Tom Ryan: Yeah... the lightning...

Jigsaw: I call it, "the nutcracker".
Tom Ryan: Why?

Tom Ryan: Hey, you look great for being pregnant.
Marilyn: I'm not pregnant!

Cindy Campbell: Last night I saw a face.
Tom Ryan: Did it have a nose?
Cindy Campbell: Well... yeah.
Tom Ryan: That does sound like a face.

Tom Ryan: I've never been a good parent. Just ask my son.
Cindy Campbell: I did. What exactly is an "Ass Clown"?
Tom Ryan: That's not important right now.

Tom Ryan: [in the TriPod] They've taken everyone. Young and old, rich and poor, and Chingy.

Tom Ryan: [after finding Michael Jackson] Run away kids! Run towards the tri-pods if you have to!

Tom Ryan: [singing weakly to his daughter] You want this money, then you gotta be a bad bitch...

Tom Ryan: Ever since the divorce it's like my life has no purpose. Half the time, I walk around feeling like a zombie!
C. J.: Yo, don't joke about zombies. That shit there - that's real.
Mahalik: Yo, you know Nashawn, down on 120th Street?
C. J.: Yeah.
Mahalik: She told me that she heard a zombie going through her trash the other day. The next morning, she turned up missing.
Tom Ryan: Uh...
C. J.: [C.J. interrupts] What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you "turn up missing"?
Mahalik: 'Cause nobody knows where you are when they realize you ain't there!
Tom Ryan: Guys, I'm trying to ask...
C. J.: [C.J. interrupts again] So you telling me that you can appear and disappear at the same time.
Mahalik: No, man. You can't appear and disappear at the same time. The bitch ain't David Copperfield!
Tom Ryan: Uh, guys...
C. J.: [C.J. interrupts yet again] Mmm. No, no. But you can't be gone from one place and show up somewhere else entirely. So when you turn up, you're never missing. And when you're missing, you never turn up.
Mahalik: Unless... you a zombie.
C. J.: Damn! Hey, that's some plausible shit right there. You should blog about that.
Mahalik: I'm gonna put that on MySpace.
C. J.: You do that!

[From Trailer]
Tom Ryan: [after hitting Cindy with a baseball] Oh, hey, I'm sorry!
Cindy Campbell: Oh, it's okay. I've taken balls to the face before.

Marilyn: [Tom pulls up in his car] Late again, Tom.
Tom Ryan: Hey, Marilyn.
Marilyn: I thought you were moving.
Tom Ryan: Oh, it's all I could afford right now. You took everything in the divorce except my name.
Marilyn: No, actually, the judge granted me that yesterday. You're now officially known as "Horace P. MacTitties."

Cindy Campbell: It looks like we have a lot in...
Tom Ryan: ...common.
Cindy Campbell: We're already finishing each other's...
Tom Ryan: ...dinner!
Cindy Campbell: ...sentences.

Tom Ryan: [his car is getting attacked by a mob] Don't worry kids. The doors are locked. There's no possible way they can
[a punch flies through the window and dazes him]
Tom Ryan: build the robot out of chocolate. But, that's just common sense. Oh, waiter!

Robbie: Dad, talk to me! What's happening?
Tom Ryan: There's no time to explain.
[a man runs past the window, screaming]
'Alien Attack!': Alien attack!
Tom Ryan: Well, actually, that about sums it up.

Tom Ryan: Its Locked
[Robbie Kicks The Door Down To Get In]


Scary Movie 3 (2003)
George: I have a dream.
Tom: What is your dream?
George: To have a dream.

Alien #1: Wait please, we mean you no harm. We travel to your planet to find an evil little girl. We must destroy her before seven days.
George: You mean... You watched the video tape?
Alien #1: Our satellite caught up what we thought was Pootie Tang, that was a week ago. And now our entire race will die, unless the girl is destroyed.
Tom: Aw, you see, they are peaceful.
Mahalik: If they so peaceful, man, why were they choking us a few minutes ago?
Alien #1: Oh... that's how we say hello.
George: Well how do you guys say goodbye?
[an alien kicks George in the groin]
George: [in pain] I had to ask.

[Holding Michael Jackson From Window]
Tom: How do you like it?

George: Sue's teacher, Brenda. She's... She's dead.
Tom: Oh. I better tell her.
George: No, no, no. I can do it. Sue?
Sue: Yes?
George: You know your teacher, Miss Brenda?
Sue: Yeah.
George: She's dead!
Sue: Aah!
George: Gone forever! Died a horrible, painful death! Gone, gone, gone, just like your dog!
Sue: My dog's dead?
George: I just ran him over with the car when I drove in! Everyone you love around you is dying!

Tom: Don't call me "dude". I haven't been a stoner since...
[Mexican music plays]

Trooper Champlin: It's your wife, Father. She's hurt.
Tom: Annie?
Trooper Champlin: She was hit by a truck and she's pinned against a tree.
Tom: I don't understand.
Trooper Champlin: As long as the truck has her pinned, she'll stay alive.
Tom: I still don't get it.
Trooper Champlin: [shows Tom hot dog] This... is your wife.
[breaks hot dog in half]
Tom: She broke her wiener?

Tom: [opening door] Sue?
Sue: I can't sleep.
Tom: Well, it's way past your bedtime.
Sue: Won't you rock me to sleep in your big, strong arms? There's plenty of room under the covers. It's a hot night. You don't need to wear pajamas.
Tom: Where is my daughter?
Sue: Are you mad? I am your daughter.
Tom: No you're not.
[removes dress from daughter revealing it is really Michael Jackson]

Trooper Champlin: Your faith will return. Just as sure as the sun will rise.
Tom: Sounds like a long shot.

Tom: George, all you've done is chase adolescent fantasies. "I want to be an astronaut. A cowboy. Gynecologist to the stars."

Sayaman: I'm sorry about that night. If I hadn't fallen asleep while driving for that exact 20 minutes. If I hadn't drank that exact whole bottle of Jaegermeister. If only I hadn't killed that hooker.
Tom: Sayaman. I don't see what any of this has to do with Annie.
Sayaman: I'm sorry. Those were other nights. But if it had been that night, I might have missed her.

Tom: I want to see Annie.
Trooper Champlin: She's split in half.
Tom: You mean like down-the-middle in half?
[Holds up a sandwich and separates its halves]
Trooper Champlin: At the waist.
Tom: You mean this is the last time I can talk to the top half?
Trooper Champlin: Yes. The truck is the only thing that is holding her together.
Tom: Let's say this is her bottom half.
[Holds up a doughnut]
Tom: Can I squeeze in a few minutes with that?
Trooper Champlin: I'm not sure what you mean.
Tom: Let me explain.
[Holds up a sausage]

Annie: Promise me you'll never remarry.
Tom: I promise.
Annie: And no sex, either.
Tom: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery.
Annie: [shouts] No sex!
Tom: Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.
Annie: Oh, Jesus.
Tom: That's right, honey. Go into the light.
Annie: Look! Just tell George, swing away.
Tom: Right. Swing away.
Annie: Oh, sure. That you understand.
[Gasps and dies]

Tom: [wife has been severed by car] Hi, baby.
Annie: Honey, I'm dying.
Tom: No, don't talk like that, the truck barely hit you.

Tom: Come here! What did you do with Sue?
MJ: I didn't touch her, I swear!
Tom: I don't believe you!
MJ: Please, for God's sake! She's a girl!

Tom: [while in front of the door] Quick, we can get that plank of wood to jam underneath the door.
[is hit in the balls by the plank of wood]
Tom: [in pain] Oh, my balls.
[George gives bowling balls to Tom and is hit in the balls again]
Tom: [in pain] Oh... Jesus.
[Jesus is being bought to him, but Tom pushes George away]