Milhouse Van Houten
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Milhouse Van Houten (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Simpsons: Bart's Friend Falls in Love (#3.23)" (1992)
Milhouse: How could this have happened? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but instead it ended in tragedy.

Milhouse: Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.
Bart: Aw come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when we're out of chocolate milk, you cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
Milhouse: Well, I didn't want you to see me cry THIS time.

Bart: [trying out Milhouse's new 8-Ball] Will I pass my test today. "Outlook not so good." Hey, it does work!
Milhouse: Let me try! Will I get beat up today? "All signs point to yes."
Nelson Muntz: That ball knows everything!
[Hits Milhouse over the head]

Milhouse: [re: the magic eight-ball] Hey, Bart. Was this thing right about your test?
Bart: To those of you who doubt the power of the magic eight-ball, I say: behold my "F"!

Luann Van Houten: Bart, I'm glad you're here. Milhouse could use a friend like you.
[Bart chuckles nervously. Later, up in Milhouse's room]
Bart: Listen, Milhouse, I have something to confess: I'm the one who narked on your kissing.
Milhouse: *What*?
[He tackles Bart to the floor and starts to throttle him. Milhouse's parents come in]
Luann Van Houten: Milhouse is out of bed and full of beans!
Kirk Van Houten: Whoa, it's a miracle!
[Smiling, they leave and close the door, as Milhouse continues strangling Bart]


"The Simpsons: Hardly Kirk-ing (#24.13)" (2013)
Milhouse Van Houten: Now I want you to eat a whole carton of ice cream in under two minutes.
Homer Simpson: But I just did that.

Lisa Simpson: Milhouse?
Milhouse Van Houten: Milhouse? Who's Milhouse? I mean, he's my son.

Milhouse Van Houten: I don't know if I could go a whole day without doctors Oz, Phil and Gupta.

Milhouse Van Houten: I'm renting a truck! I'm driving a truck! I crashed a truck! I rented another truck!


"The Simpsons: What Animated Women Want (#24.17)" (2013)
Milhouse Van Houten: Who knew having a backbone would make one attractive?
Principal Skinner: Certainly not I, or my suits wouldn't fit.

Milhouse Van Houten: [Hugging stuffed bunny] I love you, Fluffy Fella.
School Therapist: I've just been fired. I need that bunny more than you.
[Takes bunny]
Milhouse Van Houten: Fluffy fella! Fella!

Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, did you see Marlon Brando in Mutiny in the Bounty?
Lisa Simpson: No, nobody did.
Milhouse Van Houten: Then this is all me!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIX (#20.4)" (2008)
Milhouse: I like your witch costume, Lisa.
Lisa Simpson: I'm not a witch, I'm a Wiccan. Why is it that whenever a woman is strong and powerful, they call her a witch?
[Muted trombone vocalizes]
Lisa Simpson: You said something, mom?
Marge Simpson: No, I was just practicing my trombone.

Milhouse: Every Halloween, the Grand Pumpkin rises from the pumpkin patch to give candy to all the good boys and girls.
Bart Simpson: For the last time, Milhouse, I just said that to mess with you. The Grand Pumpkin isn't real!
Milhouse: I apreciate you testing my faith, but it's not necessary.

Milhouse: You've all come to wait for the Grand Pumpkin with me! Who wants to sing Pumpkin carols?
Nelson Muntz: I've got a Pumpkin carol for you. You are such a stupid moron. It makes people want to punch you. The Grand Pumpkin's super gay! Punch, punch, punch punch wedgie!
[punches Milhouse 4 times and gives him a wedgie]


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Date with Density (#8.7)" (1996)
Mr. Dewey Largo: Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"?
Lisa Simpson: No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.
Sherri: She was looking at Nelson!
Class: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse: She does not!
Class: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey: He does not!
Class: Janey likes Milhouse!
Uter: She does not!
Class: Uter likes Milhouse.
Mr. Dewey Largo: *Nobody* likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention!

Lisa Simpson: I like you, Milhouse, but not in that way. You're more like a big sister.
Milhouse: No, I'm not! Why does everyone keep saying that?

Milhouse: Sure! What's a big sister for?


"The Simpsons: Lemon of Troy (#6.24)" (1995)
Jebediah Springfield: People, our search is over! On this site we shall build a new town where we can worship freely, govern justly, and grow vast fields of hemp for making rope and blankets.
Shelbyville Manhattan: Yes! And marry our cousins.
Jebediah Springfield: I was- wha... what are you talking about, Shelbyville? Why would we want to marry our cousins?
Shelbyville Manhattan: Because they're so attractive. I... I thought that was the whole point of this journey.
Jebediah Springfield: Absolutely not!
Shelbyville Manhattan: I tell you, I won't live in a town that robs men of the right to marry their cousins!

Bart Simpson: Hey Milhouse, how's the lemonade business?
Milhouse: It's clearly booming, Bart.
Lisa: I don't even want any, I just bought a pity glass.
Milhouse: Gasp! We've squozen our whole supply. To the lemon tree!

Milhouse: Step over this line and say that. I'll kick your butt... at Nintendo.


The Simpsons: Road Rage (2001) (VG)
Milhouse: I feel barfy!

Milhouse: Take me home please. I've got to recover from a wedgie.

Milhouse: You're too slow! I'm outta here!


"The Simpsons: Homer Scissorhands (#22.20)" (2011)
Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, I love you. Is that love requited or un?
Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry, Milhouse, but I don't love you and I never will.

Taffy: I love your poem. It was romantic, and it rhymed.
Milhouse Van Houten: Well, I used a rhyming dictionary, but it only gives you options. The job of the poet is to say, "this one, I guess."

Milhouse Van Houten: [to Lisa after she ruins Millhouse's new Relationship] You don't want me to be with you. You don't want me to be with somebody else. How miserable do I have to be before *you're* happy?
[Starts sobbing]


"The Simpsons: Trilogy of Error (#12.18)" (2001)
Milhouse: [while leading Bart into a cave] This is where I come to cry.

Milhouse: I can't go to juvie, they use guys like me as currency.

Bart: What's it like riding a girl's bike?
Milhouse: It's disturbingly comfortable.


"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Focus Group Guy: [after showing the kids some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons] Okay, how many of the kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real life problems like the ones you face every day?
[the kids cheer]
Focus Group Guy: And who would like to see them do just the opposite, getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers.
[the kid kids cheer again]
Focus Group Guy: So you want a realistic down-to-earth show that's completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots?
[the kids all chat at once about it being a great idea]
Milhouse Van Houten: And, also, you should win things by watching.
Focus Group Guy: [sighs]
Roger Myers Jr.: [turns off the mirror disguise in the window] You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids, 'cause you're stupid. Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!
[turns the mirror back on]
Ralph Wiggum: [starts crying] Mommy!
Lisa Simpson: Um, excuse me, sir. The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Itchy & Scratchy Show. It's as good as ever. But after so many years, the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.
Roger Myers Jr.: [turns the mirror off again] That's it. That's it, little girl. You've saved Itchy & Scratchy!
Blue-haired Lawyer: [holding out a piece of paper to Lisa] Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy & Scratchy.

Milhouse Van Houten: [the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon is showing] When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?
[Milhouse starts whimpering]
Moe: Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on?
Moe: [to Marge] Midge, help me out here.
Homer: Quiet. You're missing the jokes.


"The Simpsons: The Fight Before Christmas (#22.8)" (2010)
Martha Claus: You boys want to play soldier?
Bart Simpson: I can't think of a better way to celebrate Jesus' birthday.
[Martha puts poker stands on Bart's and Milhouse's heads, then wraps red tape around their bodies]
Milhouse Van Houten: I don't think I like where this is going.
Martha Claus: [Wraps tape over Milhouse's and Bart's mouths] I don't think anyone asked your opinion.

Bart Simpson: Isn't this the busy season? Where are the other elves?
Milhouse Van Houten: Laid off.
Nelson Muntz: Ever since NAFTA, all the jobs have been going to the South Pole.


"The Simpsons: MoneyBart (#22.3)" (2010)
Nelson Muntz: Hey, get a room, you two.
Lisa Simpson: We're brother and sister.
Milhouse Van Houten: So are my parents, I think.

Nelson Muntz: What's a babe like her doing with a brown banana like Skinner?
Bart Simpson: Maybe she's one of those sexy school supply company reps.
Milhouse Van Houten: If that is true, then where's her suitcase with wheels, Bart? Where's her suitcase with wheels?


"The Simpsons: The Scorpion's Tale (#22.15)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: [Looking inside an abandoned mine] The legends are true!
Milhouse Van Houten: Did you find gold?
Bart Simpson: Better! The prospectors left naughty French postcards. Ooh-la-la!
Nelson Muntz: That's fool's porn. I'll take them off your hands for ya.
[Takes cards and goes behind a cactus]
Nelson Muntz: Ce si bon! Si bon! Si bon! And... remorse.

Principal Seymour Skinner: Move it along, Lisa. We have to go. Milhouse found a hippie skeleton and he's freaking out.
Milhouse Van Houten: Never get off the bus! Never get off the bus!


"The Simpsons: The Squirt and the Whale (#21.19)" (2010)
Kearney: Hey, Milhouse. Want to learn more about "whaling"?
Milhouse Van Houten: Sure.
[Kearney grabs him and punches him in the stomach]
Kearney: Want me to "knock it off"?
Milhouse Van Houten: I'm afraid to.
Kearney: Never tell a bully you're afraid.
[Hits Milhouse on the head]

Bart Simpson: This is going to be the biggest dead thing we've ever poked with a stick.
Milhouse Van Houten: If only that flattened squirrel could see us now.


The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Milhouse: Hey, I am very passionate about the planet.
Nelson: [raises his fist] Say global warming is a myth!
Milhouse: [cowering] It's a myth! Further study is needed!
Nelson: [punches Milhouse] That's for selling out your beliefs!

Lisa Simpson: Colin! Colin!
Milhouse: Lisa, Colin is dead.
[Lisa gasps]
Milhouse: His last words were, "Milhouse, take care of Lisa. Hold her hand."
[realizes Colin is standing beside him]
Milhouse: Uh, I got her all warmed up for ya.


"The Simpsons: Pranks and Greens (#21.6)" (2009)
Milhouse Van Houten: Which prank shall we open with?
Bart Simpson: The exploding pen.
Milhouse Van Houten: I'm not familiar with that one.
[Pen explodes on Milhouse's face]
Bart Simpson: Let the games begin.

Bart Simpson: Milhouse, I just learned that there was a prankster in this school bigger than me.
Milhouse Van Houten: Wow! Imagine his sidekick.
[Imagines a giant nerd rampaging through a city, pausing to breathe through an inhaler]
Milhouse Van Houten: If he ever lost that giant inhaler, he'll have to hear from his parents.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
Bart: Come join us, Lisa, it's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood.
Milhouse: And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies.

Bart Simpson: Milhouse, quick! Look out the window!
Milhouse: No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear admiral!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVII (#18.4)" (2006)
Bart Simpson: This Krusty-brand-alarm-clock sprays acid in your face.
[Uses it on Milhouse]
Milhouse Van Houten: Ouww! You already showed me before!

Bart Simpson: Finally, someone who will do everything I say.
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, Bart. I shaved my head just like you told me.
Bart Simpson: Go away.
Milhouse Van Houten: Yes, Master.


"The Simpsons: Once Upon a Time in Springfield (#21.10)" (2010)
Milhouse van Houten: First girls ruin Sex and the City, now this.
Lisa Simpson: I know she's a bit cliché, but she has a certain... Unicorn!
[Runs closer to TV]
Bart Simpson: Oh, please. That is so fake. You can see the strap.
Lisa Simpson: Shush! Just give me this!

Bart Simpson: Krusty has become the lowest form of life: a sidekick.
Milhouse van Houten: Way to sum up the situation, Bart!
Bart Simpson: Take it easy, little buddy.
Milhouse van Houten: That's exactly how I'll take it.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Rival (#6.2)" (1994)
[Millhouse is at gunpoint near the end of a water tube leading to the water falls of a dam]
Milhouse Van Houten: I'm telling ya, I'm didn't do anything!
Agent 1#: I don't care.
Milhouse Van Houten: [looks down at the water and jumps. Its a very long fall as he's yelping the whole way down, finally he lands]
Milhouse Van Houten: [weakly] My glasses!

Bart Simpson: I couldn't find much on our rivalry, but I did manage to get Millhouse on America's Most Wanted.
Agent 1#: [driving toward school sees Millhouse playing on monkey bars] There he is on the monkey bars. Try to take him out alive.
[the other FBI guy jams the gas pedal down and heads right towards the monkey bars. Many other children stat to flee while screaming]
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh no! Not again.
[jumps off just in time as the car smashes into them, causing them to break into a dozen parts]


"The Simpsons: Das Bus (#9.14)" (1998)
Principal Skinner: Okay, delegates, you leave tomorrow for the statewide Model U.N., so this is our last chance to bone up. And bone we will!
[all the kids, except Lisa, laugh]
Bart Simpson: Lighten up, Lise.
Principal Skinner: Finland, let's see that native dance.
[Martin gets up and begins dancing]
Principal Skinner: Smile more. Work that pelvis. No, too much smile. Sit down.
[Martin sits down]
Principal Skinner: Poland, tell us about your nation's achievements
Milhouse Van Houten: Well, uh, I heard they sent a rocket to the sun once... at night! And there was that submarine, with the screen doors...
Principal Skinner: No, no, no, no, no. Young man, you need to do some serious boning!
[only Lisa laughs]
Bart Simpson: Oh, grow up, Lise.

Milhouse Van Houten: I can't go on, you two go ahead... and carry me with you!


The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)
Milhouse van Houten: I'm allergic to outer space.

Milhouse van Houten: So this is what it sounds like when doves cry.


"The Simpsons: Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore (#15.12)" (2004)
Bart Simpson: Did your imaginary friend try to kill you?
Milhouse Van Houten: No, Walter's been cool.

Milhouse Van Houten: I'm bored. Let's go switch the heads of the Cosby kids.


"The Simpsons: Bart Sells His Soul (#7.4)" (1995)
[Bart has sold his soul to Milhouse]
Milhouse: A pleasure doing business with you.
Bart: Anytime, chummm... p.

Milhouse: I'm really sorry... I kind of traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look! I got some cool pogs:
[shows them]
Milhouse: Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back... in pog form!


"The Simpsons: 24 Minutes (#18.21)" (2007)
[Homer gets out of Moe's tavern and walks to the dumpster he left Milhouse in]
Homer Simpson: Okay, Milhouse, what do you wanna do?
Milhouse Van Houten: Well, the school's having a bake sale.
Homer Simpson: Old Betsy will get us there.

Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, if I don't make it, there's a letter in my locker I want you to read.
Lisa Simpson: I've read your letter.
Principal Skinner: We've all read it.


"The Simpsons: New Kids on the Blecch (#12.14)" (2001)
Nelson: I can't sing without dancing.
J.C. Chasez, Justin Timberlake, Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick: Fine. Thrust, spin, turn, pivot, pout, jiggy, jiggy, robot, dosido, and close with a Matrix.
Nelson: Nobody pouts going into a jiggy.
Milhouse: Yeah, that's stupid.
Ralph: I want to twirl.

Milhouse: The Statue of Liberty? Where are we?


"The Simpsons: Summer of 4'2" (#7.25)" (1996)
Milhouse: Oh boy, a carnival.

[the school bell rings]
Milhouse: School's out! Up yours, Krabappel!
[Milhouse runs off, no one else moves]
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, I'm glad the rest of you remembered that summer vacation starts at the end of the day, not the beginning.
[Krabappel motions to a clock that reads; 9 am]


"The Simpsons: Wild Barts Can't Be Broken (#10.11)" (1999)
Nelson Muntz: Adults blow.
Bart: Yeah, just look at them over there.
[scene shows Principal Skinner, Mrs. Krabappel and Ms. Hoover standing in the playground]
Milhouse Van Houten: Smoking their cigarettes.
Lisa Simpson: Drinking their coffee.
Bart: Scratching their big butts.
Principal Skinner: [to Bart] Your metabolism will change someday too, young man.
[awkwardly walks backward]

Milhouse Van Houten: Man, if we had eye power like those kids in that movie, we could read the adults' minds and tell their secrets and make them pitchfork each other and junk!
[laughs]
Lisa Simpson: Wait! We don't need supernatural powers. We already know their secrets.
Bart: She's right! Homer's done a ton of crap that never made the papers.
Martin Prince: My mom shoplifts all the time. Stuff she doesn't even need.
Nelson Muntz: My dad gets in car accidents on purpose.
Lisa Simpson: [as she writes down everyone's ideas on a notepad] Great! This is all gold.
Milhouse Van Houten: We gotta spread this stuff around. Let's put it on the Internet!
Lisa Simpson: No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter! And I think I know how.


"The Simpsons: The Daughter Also Rises (#23.13)" (2012)
Milhouse: How come you get so many valentines? All I got were from my mom and my optometrist.
Bart Simpson: That's a bill.
Milhouse: No, it's not! It has a heart stamp.

Bart Simpson: According to the wisdom of our elders, if you ride the swing the whole way around, your body will turn inside out.
Milhouse: At last, my beauty will be on the outside!


"The Simpsons: Grift of the Magi (#11.9)" (1999)
Bart: Man, I'm so bored.
Milhouse: Wait until we're teenagers, then we'll be happy.

[Homer walks in on Bart and Milhouse dressed in drag]
Homer Simpson: AH! What's going on? And I want the non gay explanation!
Milhouse: Uh, we're drunk. *Really* drunk.
Homer Simpson: Oh, thank god!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXI (#22.4)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Come on, it's just a game. We're not hurting anybody.
[Accidentally hits Milhouse in the eye with controller]
Milhouse Van Houten: Ow! My non-lazy eye!

Milhouse Van Houten: Satan's Path?
Bart Simpson: It's gotta be good if Satan put his name on it.


"The Simpsons: Mom and Pop Art (#10.19)" (1999)
Milhouse Van Houten: I hate these flood pants.
[opens door and water comes in up to his ankles]
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, they're working! My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone dry! Everything's comin' up Milhouse!


"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
[while Marge is in prison]
Milhouse Van Houten: [opens his lunchbox] All right, baloney and cheese! What'd you get, Bart?
Bart Simpson: Pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card.
Nelson Muntz: Ha-ha! Your mom's a jailbird!
Bart Simpson: So's yours.
Nelson Muntz: Oh, yeah... let's play!


"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)
[Bart is making a show-and-tell presentation]
Bart Simpson: What has four legs and ticks?
Milhouse Van Houten: A walking clock?
Nelson Muntz: A walking clock!
Martin Prince: [to another kid] I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box.
Edna Krabappel: Bart, is it a walking clock?
Bart Simpson: Huh? No, it's my dog.


"The Simpsons: The Day the Violence Died (#7.18)" (1996)
[Bart and Milhouse are watching the original Itchy cartoon]
Milhouse: Watch out, Itchy. He's Irish.


"The Simpsons: Simpson Tide (#9.19)" (1998)
Milhouse: Hey Bart, check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?
Bart: Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?
Milhouse: No, I think she's HOT! Sorry, it just slipped out.


"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Bart Simpson: [after he finds Homer's gun and tries to shoot an apple off Milhouse's head] And the next marksman is: William Tell, Jr.!
Milhouse Van Houten: Jinx!
Marge: [when she comes home; gasps] Bart!
Homer: Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun.
Marge: You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun.
Homer: I put it in a safe place, Marge! I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?
Marge: How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst, the most despicable!
Homer: But, Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!
Marge: Mmm... until you decide what's more important, your gun, or your family, we can't live in the same house. Come on, kids.
[takes the kids and leaves]
Homer: So this is the thanks I get for protecting my family? Then go. I'll be just fine.
[door slams; Homer turns to Milhouse]
Homer: Do you know how to cook dinner?
Milhouse Van Houten: [excitedly] Do I?
[starts looking through a cabinet, rummaging through pots and pans]


"The Simpsons: Children of a Lesser Clod (#12.20)" (2001)
Ralph Wiggum: Where are we going, Mr. Simpson?
Homer: I'll tell you where we're NOT going: jail!
Milhouse: Then you'd better turn.
Homer: [Homer realises that he's driving to jail, screams and turns]


"The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (#18.18)" (2007)
Milhouse van Houten: I got it! I got it!
Bart Simpson: [Pushes Milhouse away and catches the ball] I hogged it! I hogged it!


"The Simpsons: Burns' Heir (#5.18)" (1994)
Milhouse: [auditioning to become Burns's heir] I have nothing to offer you but my love.
Mr. Burns: I specifically said, no geeks!
Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool!
Nelson: Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
Martin Prince: [singing] Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring, went the bell / Zing, Zing, Zing, went my heartstrings...
[Nelson cold-cocks him]
Mr. Burns: Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.


"The Simpsons: A Test Before Trying (#24.10)" (2013)
Mrs. Krabappel: I don't have to worry about leaving you alone because I have a spy.
Milhouse: You promised you wouldn't tell!
[Everyone turns to Milhouse]
Milhouse: Which you didn't do. I guess we'll never know who the Milhouse is.


"The Simpsons: Bart of Darkness (#6.1)" (1994)
Nelson: HA HA.
Milhouse: Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg.
Nelson: I said, "HA HA."


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
Bart Simpson: Don't worry, guys, something always comes along to save us.
Milhouse Van Houten: Aaaaaggggghhhhh!
[Milhouse falls to his death in the meat grinder]
Bart Simpson: Ah, nevertheless, I remain confident something will come along and save the two Simpson children.


"The Simpsons: Worst Episode Ever (#12.11)" (2001)
[after Bart and Milhouse are left in charge of the comic book shop]
Milhouse: Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions: A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting...
Bart: That's just his shopping list.
Milhouse: No, it's his instructions.


"The Simpsons: Bye Bye Nerdy (#12.16)" (2001)
Milhouse: It's like Speed 2, only with a bus instead of a boat!


"The Simpsons: The Devil Wears Nada (#21.5)" (2009)
Edna Krabappel: Today, we're going to read about Washington crossing the Delaware.
Nelson Muntz: I'd rather see Bart's mom in her underwear.
Edna Krabappel: The British side was under the command of General Howe.
Nelson Muntz: I give Bart's mom a general wow!
Bart Simpson: Stop that, she's my mom!
Nelson Muntz: Keep-away with Bart's mom!
[Throws calendar to Milhouse]
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh, Mrs. S. You can tuck me in anytime.
Bart Simpson: [Aims slingshot at Milhouse] Okay, buddy. Lower the eyebrows, nice and easy.
[Milhouse lowers one eyebrow]
Bart Simpson: Now the other one.
[Milhouse lowers the other eyebrow, but then raises it again; Bart hits him with slingshot]
Milhouse Van Houten: Ow! It's stuck! Now I'll have a quizzical expression all day.
Nelson Muntz: I'd like to get quizzical with Bart's mom.
[Bart tackles Nelson and they fight]


"The Simpsons: Pay Pal (#25.21)" (2014)
Bart Simpson: No one likes vegetable shakes that much, or at all. Something's up with that girl, and I'm gonna follow her until I find out what.
Milhouse: And I'll be right along with you.
Bart Simpson: I'm gonna need you back at headquarters to man the phones.
Milhouse: What do I say?
Bart Simpson: Just let them ring.
Milhouse: Sure thing.


"The Simpsons: Skinner's Sense of Snow (#12.8)" (2000)
Nelson: We're trapped in the school!
[the kids scream]
Milhouse: We're gonna miss Christmas!
[the kids scream even louder]
Skinner: I fixed the DVD.
[the kids scream louder than ever]


"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob Roberts (#6.5)" (1994)
Jimbo Jones: [after wrapping up Milhouse in "VOTE QUIMBY" bumper stickers and placing him in a shopping cart] All right! Mummy's ready for his mystical journey!
[pushes the shopping cart down a hill]
Milhouse Van Houten: Aaaaah! What's happening?


"The Simpsons: Homer the Father (#22.12)" (2011)
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh my God! I found my new look!
[Milhouse shows Bart a pair of overalls]
Bart Simpson: Those are girl overalls.
Milhouse Van Houten: I could pull it off!


"The Simpsons: The Fabulous Faker Boy (#24.20)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: TV has gotten so lousy.
Milhouse Van Houten: Did you ever wonder if hippos think that rhinos are unicorns?
Bart Simpson: TV's not so bad.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Enemy (#8.23)" (1997)
Bart: Milhouse. You were supposed to be the night watchman.
Milhouse: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
Bart: Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go...
[the rats run over to Moe's]
Moe: All right, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.


"The Simpsons: Luca$ (#25.17)" (2014)
Milhouse Van Houten: A Playbox? I didn't know you had one!
Bart Simpson: Neither did I.
Milhouse Van Houten: Something's fishy, Bart. Where's the sales receipt? Where's the dessicant packet that says "Do not eat"? And believe me, you shouldn't.
Bart Simpson: I think this game player was liberated from its former owner.
Milhouse Van Houten: Liberated? You mean stolen?
Bart Simpson: You can't spell crime without me.
Milhouse Van Houten: C-R-I... there it is, at the end!


"The Simpsons: The DeBarted (#19.13)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: You were tired of being under my shadow.
Milhouse: No, I'm not! I like being under your shadow! It's nice and cool!


"The Simpsons: Bart's Inner Child (#5.7)" (1993)
Milhouse: [Milouse crawls out from a tunnel of mattresses, his hand over his nose] It smells funny in there.
Homer: No, it doesn't.


"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Homer (#5.9)" (1993)
[first lines]
Bart: [finishes with his paintbrush] The beauty of it is, each parking space is a mere one foot narrower. Indistinguishable to the naked eye. But therein lies the game.
Milhouse: I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away.
Principal Skinner: Blasted woman, you parked too close! Move your car!
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your mama!
Principal Skinner: Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this.


"The Simpsons: Stark Raving Dad (#3.1)" (1991)
Milhouse Van Houten: Looks like they're finally haulin' your Dad away, Bart.
Bart: Maybe it's for the best.


"The Simpsons: A Star Is Torn (#16.18)" (2005)
Milhouse: [singing] When a man loves a woman...
Lenny: Which one are you? The man or the woman?
Carl: Nice one, dude.


"The Simpsons: Husbands and Knives (#19.7)" (2007)
[Milo hands out Japanese hard candy]
Nelson Muntz: I got prawn!
Milhouse: I got miso!
Lisa Simpson: I got dolphin.


"The Simpsons: The Blue and the Gray (#22.13)" (2011)
Milhouse Van Houten: Bart, what happened to your mom's hair? Did she see something scary like the vampire on Sesame Street? They should warn you when he's coming.


"The Simpsons: Bart the Genius (#1.2)" (1990)
Principal Seymour Skinner: You there, no chewing gum on school grounds! In the trash can with it.
Martin Prince: Principal Skinner, one of my fellow children is vandalizing school property.
Principal Seymour Skinner: Oh, where?
Martin Prince: Over there sir. See!
Milhouse van Houten: Look out Bart! Here comes Skinner!
Bart: Yikes!


"The Simpsons: Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts (#23.2)" (2011)
Milhouse: I like how Teddy had asthma as a child, like me.
Dolph: I like how he says "Bully" all the time, and he can really rock a pair of jodhpurs.


"The Simpsons: Bart the Murderer (#3.4)" (1991)
Lewis: [covered in leaves] Hey, look at me. I'm Skinner's body!
Bart: That is not funny, Lewis.
Milhouse Van Houten: Well, I heard Skinner's buried under his parking spot.
Richard: Well, I heard he was ground up into hamburger and served to us at lunch.
Nelson: I heard Bart had Skinner killed by gangsters.
Bart: That's not true! It's just a rumor. You're engaged in speculation. I know the law, you can't prove anything.


"The Simpsons: Brother from the Same Planet (#4.14)" (1993)
[Bart's class is having Show and Tell]
Bart: Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.
[Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]
Martin Prince: Hey...
[falls down on the ground, twitching]
Mrs. Krabappel: He's not dead, is he Bart?
Bart: Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.
Mrs. Krabappel: Very good, Bart. Thank you.
Bart: Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.
Mrs. Krabappel: Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.
Milhouse Van Houten: Uh, I have a horsey.
[mimics his toy horse neighing in a slurry way which then trails off]
Nelson Muntz: Wuss!


"The Simpsons: He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs (#19.1)" (2007)
Milhouse van Houten: Principal Skinner, why did we have to leave the Touch and Learn Reptile House so early?
Principal Seymour Skinner: Well, it seems someone was riding the giant tortoise naked.
Otto: It's not my fault. The drinking fountain dared me to do it.


"The Simpsons: Little Orphan Millie (#19.6)" (2007)
Milhouse: Oh, my God. I've become the world's biggest baby. Big boys don't drink moo-moo from a baba. They drink moo-moo from a big boy cup.


"The Simpsons: Regarding Margie (#17.20)" (2006)
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, guys. Guess who just became lactose tolerant.


"The Simpsons: Moonshine River (#24.1)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: Hey, Lis. Your date just made the cover of Geek Monthly.
Milhouse Van Houten: I know that's a zing, but still... the cover!


"The Simpsons: Jaws Wired Shut (#13.9)" (2002)
Bart: Well, Milhouse. Ready to imitate that Jackass show?
Milhouse: The disclaimers make me want to do it more.


"The Simpsons: Them, Robot (#23.17)" (2012)
[Bart and Milhouse walk up to home plate]
Bart Simpson: Hey, Dad, can we play?
Robot T21: [scans Bart and Milhouse using X-ray vision] We cannot take the inferior one.
Milhouse: My heart makes up for my shortcomings, like Rudy.
Robot T21: Rudy was only put in at the end of a meaningless game.
Robot A18: We will notify you if this game becomes meaningless.


"The Simpsons: Lisa on Ice (#6.8)" (1994)
[Milhouse is quaking in the goalie position]
Milhouse Van Houten: I could have been equipment manager, but nooooo!


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets a 'Z' (#21.2)" (2009)
Milhouse: Why did she had to take my cell phone? I'm only on month one of my 60-month plan.


"The Simpsons: All's Fair in Oven War (#16.2)" (2004)
Homer Simpson: Would you excuse us, Milton?
Milhouse Van Houten: It's Mil-HOUSE!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, and your father's no-house!


"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming (#7.9)" (1995)
Milhouse Van Houten: [Milhouse is sitting in the cockpit of a grounded harrier jet, holding the control stick and making machine gun noises] Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!
[Milhouse wildly pushes buttons on the console, eventually pressing the ejector seat button by accident. He goes flying off in to the distance]


"The Simpsons: The Bob Next Door (#21.22)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: I'll prove I'm not crazy. Sideshow Bob could never resist singing along to a Gilbert and Sullivan Operetta.
Milhouse Van Houten: Who am I again?
Bart Simpson: Yum Yum. I'm Peep-Bo.
Milhouse Van Houten: [dialing a phone] Mom? Dad? I got the lead!


"The Simpsons: 'Cue Detective (#27.2)" (2015)
Milhouse Van Houten: [about Doctor Doolittle] The running time is 152 minutes.
Nelson Muntz: The running time is now!
[Tries to run for the door, but Groundskeeper Willie hits him with the hose and knocks him back in his seat]


"The Simpsons: Pulpit Friction (#24.18)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: Gentlemen, this fort is now complete, and will last forever.
Milhouse Van Houten: Not even the Nazis can get in here.
Nelson Muntz: I thought we were the Nazis.


"The Simpsons: Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder (#11.6)" (1999)
Milhouse: Ugh, you're polishing bone!


"The Simpsons: Waverly Hills, 9021-D'Oh (#20.19)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: We have to go back to Springfield. I just remembered I was playing hide-and-seek with Milhouse.
Milhouse: [In the dumpster back of the Kwik-E Mart] Three weeks! This must be a new record!


"The Simpsons: What to Expect When Bart's Expecting (#25.19)" (2014)
Bart Simpson: Every time I take art, some goody-goody teacher sends me to the school counselor.
Milhouse Van Houten: Your stuff is pretty disturbing.
Bart Simpson: I never acted on any of it.


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
[Mrs. Krabappel is spraying air freshener in the classroom]
Bart Simpson: Yuck! What reeks?
Nelson Muntz: Smells like one of van Houten's.
Milhouse van Houten: It does not!


"The Simpsons: Moe Goes from Rags to Riches (#23.12)" (2012)
Milhouse: I'm not your puppet, Bart.
Bart Simpson: I know. I made you into a real boy last week.
Milhouse: And I will always be grateful for that, but it's time you treated me with some respect.


"The Simpsons: The Haw-Hawked Couple (#18.8)" (2006)
Milhouse Van Houten: Trust me, Bart. It's better you walk in on both parents than to walk in on just one.


"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
Bart Simpson: Okay, Milhouse, let's try out the new cup.
Milhouse Van Houten: [kicks Bart in the groin]
Bart Simpson: Again!
Milhouse Van Houten: [kicks Bart in the groin again]
Bart Simpson: [yawns]
Milhouse Van Houten: [kicks Bart in the groin again and again]
Marge Simpson: Milhouse, stop that!


The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
Lisa Simpson: Milhouse, stop following me around!
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh hi, Lisa. My, your hair looks pointy today.
Lisa Simpson: Milhouse, have you seen Bart?
Milhouse Van Houten: So, do you have a date to the harvest ball?
Lisa Simpson: This isn't a good time.
Milhouse Van Houten: It's NEVER a good time!
[cries]


"The Simpsons: Homerpalooza (#7.24)" (1996)
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, wait! I'm okay today! My mom bought me deodorant!


"The Simpsons: $pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (#5.10)" (1993)
[performing at Bart's Casino]
Robert Goulet: [singing] Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost its wheel, and the Joker got away, hey!
[cheering and applause]
Robert Goulet: Thank you, thank you very much...
[twirls his microphone, hits Milhouse]
Milhouse Van Houten: Ow!
Robert Goulet: Oh! I'm sorry, kid.


"The Simpsons: Double, Double, Boy in Trouble (#20.3)" (2008)
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, Bart. I think I have a crush on your new sister.
Bart Simpson: You have a crush on my old sister.
Milhouse Van Houten: Yeah, but that wasn't going to happen.


"The Simpsons: Oh Brother, Where Bart Thou? (#21.8)" (2009)
Otto Mann: [after striking Ralph with his bus] Oh, my God! I killed Kenny!
Milhouse van Houten: [Corrects him] Ralph.
Otto Mann: No, I killed Kenny yesterday. What was I doing now?


"The Simpsons: Replaceable You (#23.4)" (2011)
Milhouse: Bart, is that cootie shot ready yet?
Bart Simpson: The science fair isn't until next week.
Milhouse: But I need it now! My dog and I accidentally touched tongues.
Bart Simpson: How is it accidentally when it's the fifth time?


"The Simpsons: Radioactive Man (#7.2)" (1995)
Radioactive Man: [after Milhouse has fled the picture, the director and producer are looking at a rough cut of preexisting footage edited together in order to complete the film without Milhouse]
[Radioactive Man in a cave is surrounded by aliens looking for a fight and whispers to an unseen Fallout Boy]
Radioactive Man: It looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy.
Milhouse Van Houten: [the scene changes from a cave to Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy standing in a field] Jiminy jillikers!
Radioactive Man: [the scene returns to the cave] We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready?
Milhouse Van Houten: [the scene changes again to Fallout Boy sitting at home who takes a long time to respond] Yes.
[the scene again changes to Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy fighting completely different aliens on the Moon]


"The Simpsons: This Little Wiggy (#9.18)" (1998)
[first lines]
Edna Krabappel: Now, whose calculator can tell what seven times eight is?
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh! Oh! Low Battery?
Edna Krabappel: [sighs] Whatever.


"The Simpsons: Coming to Homerica (#20.21)" (2009)
Milhouse: Minnesota Vikings apparel? This is Tennessee Titans territory!


"The Simpsons: Team Homer (#7.12)" (1996)
Milhouse Van Houten: [Reading a MAD Magazine with Bart] They're really stickin' it to that Spiro Angew guy! He must work there or something!


"The Simpsons: American History X-cellent (#21.17)" (2010)
Moe Szyslak: Throwing stuff! Turn your protest into a riot!
Milhouse Van Houten: How much for a tomato?
Moe Szyslak: Fresh is one dollar, rotten is two bucks.
Kirk Van Houten: Son, do you really need the rotten one?
[Milhouse looks at him eagerly]
Kirk Van Houten: Oh, all right. But don't tell your mother.


"The Simpsons: The Crepes of Wrath (#1.11)" (1990)
[Bart has found a cherry bomb]
Milhouse Van Houten: So you're gonna flush it?
Bart Simpson: What can I say? I got a weakness for the classics.


"The Simpsons: Faith Off (#11.11)" (2000)
Milhouse: [after being hit by a truck] Bury me at Makeout Creek!


"The Simpsons: The Nightmare After Krustmas (#28.10)" (2016)
Bart Simpson: If he was going to convert why didn't he pick a funny religion?
Milhouse Van Houten: Like Zoroastrianism. Their top god is named Mazda. Tell me that's not hilarious.


"The Simpsons: The Kid Is Alright (#25.6)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Why aren't you making new friends?
Bart Simpson: What's wrong with the ones I have now?
Milhouse Van Houten: I finally got that M&M out of my inner ear. I was right, it was a green one.
Homer Simpson: [Thinking] Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear. Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear.
[Santa's Little Helper jumps and takes M&M, which remains in his tongue]
Homer Simpson: [Thinking] Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear and the dog's mouth. Don't eat it...
[Camera pulls back to show the M&M in Homer's tongue]
Marge Simpson: Oh, for Pete's sake!
[Takes M&M out of Homer's mouth and puts it back in Milhouse's ear]