Milhouse Van Houten
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Quotes for
Milhouse Van Houten (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: Bart's Friend Falls in Love (#3.23)" (1992)
Milhouse: How could this have happened? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but instead it ended in tragedy.

Milhouse: Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.
Bart: Aw come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when we're out of chocolate milk, you cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
Milhouse: Well, I didn't want you to see me cry THIS time.

Bart: [trying out Milhouse's new 8-Ball] Will I pass my test today. "Outlook not so good." Hey, it does work!
Milhouse: Let me try! Will I get beat up today? "All signs point to yes."
Nelson Muntz: That ball knows everything!
[Hits Milhouse over the head]

Milhouse: [re: the magic eight-ball] Hey, Bart. Was this thing right about your test?
Bart: To those of you who doubt the power of the magic eight-ball, I say: behold my "F"!

Luann Van Houten: Bart, I'm glad you're here. Milhouse could use a friend like you.
[Bart chuckles nervously. Later, up in Milhouse's room]
Bart: Listen, Milhouse, I have something to confess: I'm the one who narked on your kissing.
Milhouse: *What*?
[He tackles Bart to the floor and starts to throttle him. Milhouse's parents come in]
Luann Van Houten: Milhouse is out of bed and full of beans!
Kirk Van Houten: Whoa, it's a miracle!
[Smiling, they leave and close the door, as Milhouse continues strangling Bart]

"The Simpsons: Hardly Kirk-ing (#24.13)" (2013)
Milhouse Van Houten: Now I want you to eat a whole carton of ice cream in under two minutes.
Homer Simpson: But I just did that.

Lisa Simpson: Milhouse?
Milhouse Van Houten: Milhouse? Who's Milhouse? I mean, he's my son.

Milhouse Van Houten: I don't know if I could go a whole day without doctors Oz, Phil and Gupta.

Milhouse Van Houten: I'm renting a truck! I'm driving a truck! I crashed a truck! I rented another truck!

"The Simpsons: What Animated Women Want (#24.17)" (2013)
Milhouse Van Houten: Who knew having a backbone would make one attractive?
Principal Skinner: Certainly not I, or my suits wouldn't fit.

Milhouse Van Houten: [Hugging stuffed bunny] I love you, Fluffy Fella.
School Therapist: I've just been fired. I need that bunny more than you.
[Takes bunny]
Milhouse Van Houten: Fluffy fella! Fella!

Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, did you see Marlon Brando in Mutiny in the Bounty?
Lisa Simpson: No, nobody did.
Milhouse Van Houten: Then this is all me!

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIX (#20.4)" (2008)
Milhouse: I like your witch costume, Lisa.
Lisa Simpson: I'm not a witch, I'm a Wiccan. Why is it that whenever a woman is strong and powerful, they call her a witch?
[Muted trombone vocalizes]
Lisa Simpson: You said something, mom?
Marge Simpson: No, I was just practicing my trombone.

Milhouse: Every Halloween, the Grand Pumpkin rises from the pumpkin patch to give candy to all the good boys and girls.
Bart Simpson: For the last time, Milhouse, I just said that to mess with you. The Grand Pumpkin isn't real!
Milhouse: I apreciate you testing my faith, but it's not necessary.

Milhouse: You've all come to wait for the Grand Pumpkin with me! Who wants to sing Pumpkin carols?
Nelson Muntz: I've got a Pumpkin carol for you. You are such a stupid moron. It makes people want to punch you. The Grand Pumpkin's super gay! Punch, punch, punch punch wedgie!
[punches Milhouse 4 times and gives him a wedgie]

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Date with Density (#8.7)" (1996)
Mr. Dewey Largo: Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"?
Lisa Simpson: No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.
Sherri: She was looking at Nelson!
Class: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse: She does not!
Class: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey: He does not!
Class: Janey likes Milhouse!
Uter: She does not!
Class: Uter likes Milhouse.
Mr. Dewey Largo: *Nobody* likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention!

Lisa Simpson: I like you, Milhouse, but not in that way. You're more like a big sister.
Milhouse: No, I'm not! Why does everyone keep saying that?

Milhouse: Sure! What's a big sister for?

"The Simpsons: Lemon of Troy (#6.24)" (1995)
Jebediah Springfield: People, our search is over! On this site we shall build a new town where we can worship freely, govern justly, and grow vast fields of hemp for making rope and blankets.
Shelbyville Manhattan: Yes! And marry our cousins.
Jebediah Springfield: I was- wha... what are you talking about, Shelbyville? Why would we want to marry our cousins?
Shelbyville Manhattan: Because they're so attractive. I... I thought that was the whole point of this journey.
Jebediah Springfield: Absolutely not!
Shelbyville Manhattan: I tell you, I won't live in a town that robs men of the right to marry their cousins!

Bart Simpson: Hey Milhouse, how's the lemonade business?
Milhouse: It's clearly booming, Bart.
Lisa: I don't even want any, I just bought a pity glass.
Milhouse: Gasp! We've squozen our whole supply. To the lemon tree!

Milhouse: Step over this line and say that. I'll kick your butt... at Nintendo.

The Simpsons: Road Rage (2001) (VG)
Milhouse: I feel barfy!

Milhouse: Take me home please. I've got to recover from a wedgie.

Milhouse: You're too slow! I'm outta here!

"The Simpsons: Homer Scissorhands (#22.20)" (2011)
Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, I love you. Is that love requited or un?
Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry, Milhouse, but I don't love you and I never will.

Taffy: I love your poem. It was romantic, and it rhymed.
Milhouse Van Houten: Well, I used a rhyming dictionary, but it only gives you options. The job of the poet is to say, "this one, I guess."

Milhouse Van Houten: [to Lisa after she ruins Millhouse's new Relationship] You don't want me to be with you. You don't want me to be with somebody else. How miserable do I have to be before *you're* happy?
[Starts sobbing]

"The Simpsons: Trilogy of Error (#12.18)" (2001)
Milhouse: [while leading Bart into a cave] This is where I come to cry.

Milhouse: I can't go to juvie, they use guys like me as currency.

Bart: What's it like riding a girl's bike?
Milhouse: It's disturbingly comfortable.

"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Focus Group Guy: [after showing the kids some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons] Okay, how many of the kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real life problems like the ones you face every day?
[the kids cheer]
Focus Group Guy: And who would like to see them do just the opposite, getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers.
[the kid kids cheer again]
Focus Group Guy: So you want a realistic down-to-earth show that's completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots?
[the kids all chat at once about it being a great idea]
Milhouse Van Houten: And, also, you should win things by watching.
Focus Group Guy: [sighs]
Roger Myers Jr.: [turns off the mirror disguise in the window] You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids, 'cause you're stupid. Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!
[turns the mirror back on]
Ralph Wiggum: [starts crying] Mommy!
Lisa Simpson: Um, excuse me, sir. The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Itchy & Scratchy Show. It's as good as ever. But after so many years, the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.
Roger Myers Jr.: [turns the mirror off again] That's it. That's it, little girl. You've saved Itchy & Scratchy!
Blue-haired Lawyer: [holding out a piece of paper to Lisa] Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy & Scratchy.

Milhouse Van Houten: [the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon is showing] When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?
[Milhouse starts whimpering]
Moe: Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on?
Moe: [to Marge] Midge, help me out here.
Homer: Quiet. You're missing the jokes.

"The Simpsons: The Fight Before Christmas (#22.8)" (2010)
Martha Claus: You boys want to play soldier?
Bart Simpson: I can't think of a better way to celebrate Jesus' birthday.
[Martha puts poker stands on Bart's and Milhouse's heads, then wraps red tape around their bodies]
Milhouse Van Houten: I don't think I like where this is going.
Martha Claus: [Wraps tape over Milhouse's and Bart's mouths] I don't think anyone asked your opinion.

Bart Simpson: Isn't this the busy season? Where are the other elves?
Milhouse Van Houten: Laid off.
Nelson Muntz: Ever since NAFTA, all the jobs have been going to the South Pole.

"The Simpsons: MoneyBart (#22.3)" (2010)
Nelson Muntz: Hey, get a room, you two.
Lisa Simpson: We're brother and sister.
Milhouse Van Houten: So are my parents, I think.

Nelson Muntz: What's a babe like her doing with a brown banana like Skinner?
Bart Simpson: Maybe she's one of those sexy school supply company reps.
Milhouse Van Houten: If that is true, then where's her suitcase with wheels, Bart? Where's her suitcase with wheels?

"The Simpsons: The Scorpion's Tale (#22.15)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: [Looking inside an abandoned mine] The legends are true!
Milhouse Van Houten: Did you find gold?
Bart Simpson: Better! The prospectors left naughty French postcards. Ooh-la-la!
Nelson Muntz: That's fool's porn. I'll take them off your hands for ya.
[Takes cards and goes behind a cactus]
Nelson Muntz: Ce si bon! Si bon! Si bon! And... remorse.

Principal Seymour Skinner: Move it along, Lisa. We have to go. Milhouse found a hippie skeleton and he's freaking out.
Milhouse Van Houten: Never get off the bus! Never get off the bus!

"The Simpsons: The Squirt and the Whale (#21.19)" (2010)
Kearney: Hey, Milhouse. Want to learn more about "whaling"?
Milhouse Van Houten: Sure.
[Kearney grabs him and punches him in the stomach]
Kearney: Want me to "knock it off"?
Milhouse Van Houten: I'm afraid to.
Kearney: Never tell a bully you're afraid.
[Hits Milhouse on the head]

Bart Simpson: This is going to be the biggest dead thing we've ever poked with a stick.
Milhouse Van Houten: If only that flattened squirrel could see us now.

The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Milhouse: Hey, I am very passionate about the planet.
Nelson: [raises his fist] Say global warming is a myth!
Milhouse: [cowering] It's a myth! Further study is needed!
Nelson: [punches Milhouse] That's for selling out your beliefs!

Lisa Simpson: Colin! Colin!
Milhouse: Lisa, Colin is dead.
[Lisa gasps]
Milhouse: His last words were, "Milhouse, take care of Lisa. Hold her hand."
[realizes Colin is standing beside him]
Milhouse: Uh, I got her all warmed up for ya.

"The Simpsons: Pranks and Greens (#21.6)" (2009)
Milhouse Van Houten: Which prank shall we open with?
Bart Simpson: The exploding pen.
Milhouse Van Houten: I'm not familiar with that one.
[Pen explodes on Milhouse's face]
Bart Simpson: Let the games begin.

Bart Simpson: Milhouse, I just learned that there was a prankster in this school bigger than me.
Milhouse Van Houten: Wow! Imagine his sidekick.
[Imagines a giant nerd rampaging through a city, pausing to breathe through an inhaler]
Milhouse Van Houten: If he ever lost that giant inhaler, he'll have to hear from his parents.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
Bart: Come join us, Lisa, it's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood.
Milhouse: And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies.

Bart Simpson: Milhouse, quick! Look out the window!
Milhouse: No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear admiral!

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVII (#18.4)" (2006)
Bart Simpson: This Krusty-brand-alarm-clock sprays acid in your face.
[Uses it on Milhouse]
Milhouse Van Houten: Ouww! You already showed me before!

Bart Simpson: Finally, someone who will do everything I say.
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, Bart. I shaved my head just like you told me.
Bart Simpson: Go away.
Milhouse Van Houten: Yes, Master.

"The Simpsons: Once Upon a Time in Springfield (#21.10)" (2010)
Milhouse van Houten: First girls ruin Sex and the City, now this.
Lisa Simpson: I know she's a bit cliché, but she has a certain... Unicorn!
[Runs closer to TV]
Bart Simpson: Oh, please. That is so fake. You can see the strap.
Lisa Simpson: Shush! Just give me this!

Bart Simpson: Krusty has become the lowest form of life: a sidekick.
Milhouse van Houten: Way to sum up the situation, Bart!
Bart Simpson: Take it easy, little buddy.
Milhouse van Houten: That's exactly how I'll take it.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Rival (#6.2)" (1994)
[Millhouse is at gunpoint near the end of a water tube leading to the water falls of a dam]
Milhouse Van Houten: I'm telling ya, I'm didn't do anything!
Agent 1#: I don't care.
Milhouse Van Houten: [looks down at the water and jumps. Its a very long fall as he's yelping the whole way down, finally he lands]
Milhouse Van Houten: [weakly] My glasses!

Bart Simpson: I couldn't find much on our rivalry, but I did manage to get Millhouse on America's Most Wanted.
Agent 1#: [driving toward school sees Millhouse playing on monkey bars] There he is on the monkey bars. Try to take him out alive.
[the other FBI guy jams the gas pedal down and heads right towards the monkey bars. Many other children stat to flee while screaming]
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh no! Not again.
[jumps off just in time as the car smashes into them, causing them to break into a dozen parts]

"The Simpsons: Das Bus (#9.14)" (1998)
Principal Skinner: Okay, delegates, you leave tomorrow for the statewide Model U.N., so this is our last chance to bone up. And bone we will!
[all the kids, except Lisa, laugh]
Bart Simpson: Lighten up, Lise.
Principal Skinner: Finland, let's see that native dance.
[Martin gets up and begins dancing]
Principal Skinner: Smile more. Work that pelvis. No, too much smile. Sit down.
[Martin sits down]
Principal Skinner: Poland, tell us about your nation's achievements
Milhouse Van Houten: Well, uh, I heard they sent a rocket to the sun once... at night! And there was that submarine, with the screen doors...
Principal Skinner: No, no, no, no, no. Young man, you need to do some serious boning!
[only Lisa laughs]
Bart Simpson: Oh, grow up, Lise.

Milhouse Van Houten: I can't go on, you two go ahead... and carry me with you!

The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)
Milhouse van Houten: I'm allergic to outer space.

Milhouse van Houten: So this is what it sounds like when doves cry.

"The Simpsons: Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore (#15.12)" (2004)
Bart Simpson: Did your imaginary friend try to kill you?
Milhouse Van Houten: No, Walter's been cool.

Milhouse Van Houten: I'm bored. Let's go switch the heads of the Cosby kids.

"The Simpsons: Bart Sells His Soul (#7.4)" (1995)
[Bart has sold his soul to Milhouse]
Milhouse: A pleasure doing business with you.
Bart: Anytime, chummm... p.

Milhouse: I'm really sorry... I kind of traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look! I got some cool pogs:
[shows them]
Milhouse: Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back... in pog form!

"The Simpsons: 24 Minutes (#18.21)" (2007)
[Homer gets out of Moe's tavern and walks to the dumpster he left Milhouse in]
Homer Simpson: Okay, Milhouse, what do you wanna do?
Milhouse Van Houten: Well, the school's having a bake sale.
Homer Simpson: Old Betsy will get us there.

Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, if I don't make it, there's a letter in my locker I want you to read.
Lisa Simpson: I've read your letter.
Principal Skinner: We've all read it.

"The Simpsons: New Kids on the Blecch (#12.14)" (2001)
Nelson: I can't sing without dancing.
J.C. Chasez, Justin Timberlake, Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick: Fine. Thrust, spin, turn, pivot, pout, jiggy, jiggy, robot, dosido, and close with a Matrix.
Nelson: Nobody pouts going into a jiggy.
Milhouse: Yeah, that's stupid.
Ralph: I want to twirl.

Milhouse: The Statue of Liberty? Where are we?

"The Simpsons: Summer of 4'2" (#7.25)" (1996)
Milhouse: Oh boy, a carnival.

[the school bell rings]
Milhouse: School's out! Up yours, Krabappel!
[Milhouse runs off, no one else moves]
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, I'm glad the rest of you remembered that summer vacation starts at the end of the day, not the beginning.
[Krabappel motions to a clock that reads; 9 am]

"The Simpsons: Wild Barts Can't Be Broken (#10.11)" (1999)
Nelson Muntz: Adults blow.
Bart: Yeah, just look at them over there.
[scene shows Principal Skinner, Mrs. Krabappel and Ms. Hoover standing in the playground]
Milhouse Van Houten: Smoking their cigarettes.
Lisa Simpson: Drinking their coffee.
Bart: Scratching their big butts.
Principal Skinner: [to Bart] Your metabolism will change someday too, young man.
[awkwardly walks backward]

Milhouse Van Houten: Man, if we had eye power like those kids in that movie, we could read the adults' minds and tell their secrets and make them pitchfork each other and junk!
Lisa Simpson: Wait! We don't need supernatural powers. We already know their secrets.
Bart: She's right! Homer's done a ton of crap that never made the papers.
Martin Prince: My mom shoplifts all the time. Stuff she doesn't even need.
Nelson Muntz: My dad gets in car accidents on purpose.
Lisa Simpson: [as she writes down everyone's ideas on a notepad] Great! This is all gold.
Milhouse Van Houten: We gotta spread this stuff around. Let's put it on the Internet!
Lisa Simpson: No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter! And I think I know how.

"The Simpsons: The Daughter Also Rises (#23.13)" (2012)
Milhouse: How come you get so many valentines? All I got were from my mom and my optometrist.
Bart Simpson: That's a bill.
Milhouse: No, it's not! It has a heart stamp.

Bart Simpson: According to the wisdom of our elders, if you ride the swing the whole way around, your body will turn inside out.
Milhouse: At last, my beauty will be on the outside!

"The Simpsons: Grift of the Magi (#11.9)" (1999)
Bart: Man, I'm so bored.
Milhouse: Wait until we're teenagers, then we'll be happy.

[Homer walks in on Bart and Milhouse dressed in drag]
Homer Simpson: AH! What's going on? And I want the non gay explanation!
Milhouse: Uh, we're drunk. *Really* drunk.
Homer Simpson: Oh, thank god!

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXI (#22.4)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Come on, it's just a game. We're not hurting anybody.
[Accidentally hits Milhouse in the eye with controller]
Milhouse Van Houten: Ow! My non-lazy eye!

Milhouse Van Houten: Satan's Path?
Bart Simpson: It's gotta be good if Satan put his name on it.

"The Simpsons: Mom and Pop Art (#10.19)" (1999)
Milhouse Van Houten: I hate these flood pants.
[opens door and water comes in up to his ankles]
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, they're working! My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone dry! Everything's comin' up Milhouse!

"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
[while Marge is in prison]
Milhouse Van Houten: [opens his lunchbox] All right, baloney and cheese! What'd you get, Bart?
Bart Simpson: Pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card.
Nelson Muntz: Ha-ha! Your mom's a jailbird!
Bart Simpson: So's yours.
Nelson Muntz: Oh, yeah... let's play!

"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)
[Bart is making a show-and-tell presentation]
Bart Simpson: What has four legs and ticks?
Milhouse Van Houten: A walking clock?
Nelson Muntz: A walking clock!
Martin Prince: [to another kid] I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box.
Edna Krabappel: Bart, is it a walking clock?
Bart Simpson: Huh? No, it's my dog.

"The Simpsons: The Day the Violence Died (#7.18)" (1996)
[Bart and Milhouse are watching the original Itchy cartoon]
Milhouse: Watch out, Itchy. He's Irish.

"The Simpsons: Simpson Tide (#9.19)" (1998)
Milhouse: Hey Bart, check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?
Bart: Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?
Milhouse: No, I think she's HOT! Sorry, it just slipped out.

"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Bart Simpson: [after he finds Homer's gun and tries to shoot an apple off Milhouse's head] And the next marksman is: William Tell, Jr.!
Milhouse Van Houten: Jinx!
Marge: [when she comes home; gasps] Bart!
Homer: Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun.
Marge: You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun.
Homer: I put it in a safe place, Marge! I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?
Marge: How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst, the most despicable!
Homer: But, Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!
Marge: Mmm... until you decide what's more important, your gun, or your family, we can't live in the same house. Come on, kids.
[takes the kids and leaves]
Homer: So this is the thanks I get for protecting my family? Then go. I'll be just fine.
[door slams; Homer turns to Milhouse]
Homer: Do you know how to cook dinner?
Milhouse Van Houten: [excitedly] Do I?
[starts looking through a cabinet, rummaging through pots and pans]

"The Simpsons: Children of a Lesser Clod (#12.20)" (2001)
Ralph Wiggum: Where are we going, Mr. Simpson?
Homer: I'll tell you where we're NOT going: jail!
Milhouse: Then you'd better turn.
Homer: [Homer realises that he's driving to jail, screams and turns]

"The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (#18.18)" (2007)
Milhouse van Houten: I got it! I got it!
Bart Simpson: [Pushes Milhouse away and catches the ball] I hogged it! I hogged it!

"The Simpsons: Burns' Heir (#5.18)" (1994)
Milhouse: [auditioning to become Burns's heir] I have nothing to offer you but my love.
Mr. Burns: I specifically said, no geeks!
Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool!
Nelson: Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
Martin Prince: [singing] Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring, went the bell / Zing, Zing, Zing, went my heartstrings...
[Nelson cold-cocks him]
Mr. Burns: Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

"The Simpsons: A Test Before Trying (#24.10)" (2013)
Mrs. Krabappel: I don't have to worry about leaving you alone because I have a spy.
Milhouse: You promised you wouldn't tell!
[Everyone turns to Milhouse]
Milhouse: Which you didn't do. I guess we'll never know who the Milhouse is.

"The Simpsons: Bart of Darkness (#6.1)" (1994)
Nelson: HA HA.
Milhouse: Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg.
Nelson: I said, "HA HA."

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
Bart Simpson: Don't worry, guys, something always comes along to save us.
Milhouse Van Houten: Aaaaaggggghhhhh!
[Milhouse falls to his death in the meat grinder]
Bart Simpson: Ah, nevertheless, I remain confident something will come along and save the two Simpson children.

"The Simpsons: Worst Episode Ever (#12.11)" (2001)
[after Bart and Milhouse are left in charge of the comic book shop]
Milhouse: Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions: A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting...
Bart: That's just his shopping list.
Milhouse: No, it's his instructions.

"The Simpsons: Bye Bye Nerdy (#12.16)" (2001)
Milhouse: It's like Speed 2, only with a bus instead of a boat!

"The Simpsons: The Devil Wears Nada (#21.5)" (2009)
Edna Krabappel: Today, we're going to read about Washington crossing the Delaware.
Nelson Muntz: I'd rather see Bart's mom in her underwear.
Edna Krabappel: The British side was under the command of General Howe.
Nelson Muntz: I give Bart's mom a general wow!
Bart Simpson: Stop that, she's my mom!
Nelson Muntz: Keep-away with Bart's mom!
[Throws calendar to Milhouse]
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh, Mrs. S. You can tuck me in anytime.
Bart Simpson: [Aims slingshot at Milhouse] Okay, buddy. Lower the eyebrows, nice and easy.
[Milhouse lowers one eyebrow]
Bart Simpson: Now the other one.
[Milhouse lowers the other eyebrow, but then raises it again; Bart hits him with slingshot]
Milhouse Van Houten: Ow! It's stuck! Now I'll have a quizzical expression all day.
Nelson Muntz: I'd like to get quizzical with Bart's mom.
[Bart tackles Nelson and they fight]

"The Simpsons: Pay Pal (#25.21)" (2014)
Bart Simpson: No one likes vegetable shakes that much, or at all. Something's up with that girl, and I'm gonna follow her until I find out what.
Milhouse: And I'll be right along with you.
Bart Simpson: I'm gonna need you back at headquarters to man the phones.
Milhouse: What do I say?
Bart Simpson: Just let them ring.
Milhouse: Sure thing.

"The Simpsons: Skinner's Sense of Snow (#12.8)" (2000)
Nelson: We're trapped in the school!
[the kids scream]
Milhouse: We're gonna miss Christmas!
[the kids scream even louder]
Skinner: I fixed the DVD.
[the kids scream louder than ever]

"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob Roberts (#6.5)" (1994)
Jimbo Jones: [after wrapping up Milhouse in "VOTE QUIMBY" bumper stickers and placing him in a shopping cart] All right! Mummy's ready for his mystical journey!
[pushes the shopping cart down a hill]
Milhouse Van Houten: Aaaaah! What's happening?

"The Simpsons: Homer the Father (#22.12)" (2011)
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh my God! I found my new look!
[Milhouse shows Bart a pair of overalls]
Bart Simpson: Those are girl overalls.
Milhouse Van Houten: I could pull it off!

"The Simpsons: The Fabulous Faker Boy (#24.20)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: TV has gotten so lousy.
Milhouse Van Houten: Did you ever wonder if hippos think that rhinos are unicorns?
Bart Simpson: TV's not so bad.

"The Simpsons: Homer's Enemy (#8.23)" (1997)
Bart: Milhouse. You were supposed to be the night watchman.
Milhouse: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
Bart: Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go...
[the rats run over to Moe's]
Moe: All right, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

"The Simpsons: Luca$ (#25.17)" (2014)
Milhouse Van Houten: A Playbox? I didn't know you had one!
Bart Simpson: Neither did I.
Milhouse Van Houten: Something's fishy, Bart. Where's the sales receipt? Where's the dessicant packet that says "Do not eat"? And believe me, you shouldn't.
Bart Simpson: I think this game player was liberated from its former owner.
Milhouse Van Houten: Liberated? You mean stolen?
Bart Simpson: You can't spell crime without me.
Milhouse Van Houten: C-R-I... there it is, at the end!

"The Simpsons: The DeBarted (#19.13)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: You were tired of being under my shadow.
Milhouse: No, I'm not! I like being under your shadow! It's nice and cool!

"The Simpsons: Bart's Inner Child (#5.7)" (1993)
Milhouse: [Milouse crawls out from a tunnel of mattresses, his hand over his nose] It smells funny in there.
Homer: No, it doesn't.

"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Homer (#5.9)" (1993)
[first lines]
Bart: [finishes with his paintbrush] The beauty of it is, each parking space is a mere one foot narrower. Indistinguishable to the naked eye. But therein lies the game.
Milhouse: I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away.
Principal Skinner: Blasted woman, you parked too close! Move your car!
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your mama!
Principal Skinner: Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this.

"The Simpsons: Stark Raving Dad (#3.1)" (1991)
Milhouse Van Houten: Looks like they're finally haulin' your Dad away, Bart.
Bart: Maybe it's for the best.

"The Simpsons: A Star Is Torn (#16.18)" (2005)
Milhouse: [singing] When a man loves a woman...
Lenny: Which one are you? The man or the woman?
Carl: Nice one, dude.

"The Simpsons: Husbands and Knives (#19.7)" (2007)
[Milo hands out Japanese hard candy]
Nelson Muntz: I got prawn!
Milhouse: I got miso!
Lisa Simpson: I got dolphin.

"The Simpsons: The Blue and the Gray (#22.13)" (2011)
Milhouse Van Houten: Bart, what happened to your mom's hair? Did she see something scary like the vampire on Sesame Street? They should warn you when he's coming.

"The Simpsons: Bart the Genius (#1.2)" (1990)
Principal Seymour Skinner: You there, no chewing gum on school grounds! In the trash can with it.
Martin Prince: Principal Skinner, one of my fellow children is vandalizing school property.
Principal Seymour Skinner: Oh, where?
Martin Prince: Over there sir. See!
Milhouse van Houten: Look out Bart! Here comes Skinner!
Bart: Yikes!

"The Simpsons: Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts (#23.2)" (2011)
Milhouse: I like how Teddy had asthma as a child, like me.
Dolph: I like how he says "Bully" all the time, and he can really rock a pair of jodhpurs.

"The Simpsons: Bart the Murderer (#3.4)" (1991)
Lewis: [covered in leaves] Hey, look at me. I'm Skinner's body!
Bart: That is not funny, Lewis.
Milhouse Van Houten: Well, I heard Skinner's buried under his parking spot.
Richard: Well, I heard he was ground up into hamburger and served to us at lunch.
Nelson: I heard Bart had Skinner killed by gangsters.
Bart: That's not true! It's just a rumor. You're engaged in speculation. I know the law, you can't prove anything.

"The Simpsons: Brother from the Same Planet (#4.14)" (1993)
[Bart's class is having Show and Tell]
Bart: Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.
[Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]
Martin Prince: Hey...
[falls down on the ground, twitching]
Mrs. Krabappel: He's not dead, is he Bart?
Bart: Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.
Mrs. Krabappel: Very good, Bart. Thank you.
Bart: Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.
Mrs. Krabappel: Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.
Milhouse Van Houten: Uh, I have a horsey.
[mimics his toy horse neighing in a slurry way which then trails off]
Nelson Muntz: Wuss!

"The Simpsons: He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs (#19.1)" (2007)
Milhouse van Houten: Principal Skinner, why did we have to leave the Touch and Learn Reptile House so early?
Principal Seymour Skinner: Well, it seems someone was riding the giant tortoise naked.
Otto: It's not my fault. The drinking fountain dared me to do it.

"The Simpsons: Little Orphan Millie (#19.6)" (2007)
Milhouse: Oh, my God. I've become the world's biggest baby. Big boys don't drink moo-moo from a baba. They drink moo-moo from a big boy cup.

"The Simpsons: Regarding Margie (#17.20)" (2006)
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, guys. Guess who just became lactose tolerant.

"The Simpsons: Moonshine River (#24.1)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: Hey, Lis. Your date just made the cover of Geek Monthly.
Milhouse Van Houten: I know that's a zing, but still... the cover!

"The Simpsons: Jaws Wired Shut (#13.9)" (2002)
Bart: Well, Milhouse. Ready to imitate that Jackass show?
Milhouse: The disclaimers make me want to do it more.

"The Simpsons: Them, Robot (#23.17)" (2012)
[Bart and Milhouse walk up to home plate]
Bart Simpson: Hey, Dad, can we play?
Robot T21: [scans Bart and Milhouse using X-ray vision] We cannot take the inferior one.
Milhouse: My heart makes up for my shortcomings, like Rudy.
Robot T21: Rudy was only put in at the end of a meaningless game.
Robot A18: We will notify you if this game becomes meaningless.

"The Simpsons: Lisa on Ice (#6.8)" (1994)
[Milhouse is quaking in the goalie position]
Milhouse Van Houten: I could have been equipment manager, but nooooo!

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets a 'Z' (#21.2)" (2009)
Milhouse: Why did she had to take my cell phone? I'm only on month one of my 60-month plan.

"The Simpsons: All's Fair in Oven War (#16.2)" (2004)
Homer Simpson: Would you excuse us, Milton?
Milhouse Van Houten: It's Mil-HOUSE!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, and your father's no-house!

"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming (#7.9)" (1995)
Milhouse Van Houten: [Milhouse is sitting in the cockpit of a grounded harrier jet, holding the control stick and making machine gun noises] Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler!
[Milhouse wildly pushes buttons on the console, eventually pressing the ejector seat button by accident. He goes flying off in to the distance]

"The Simpsons: The Bob Next Door (#21.22)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: I'll prove I'm not crazy. Sideshow Bob could never resist singing along to a Gilbert and Sullivan Operetta.
Milhouse Van Houten: Who am I again?
Bart Simpson: Yum Yum. I'm Peep-Bo.
Milhouse Van Houten: [dialing a phone] Mom? Dad? I got the lead!

"The Simpsons: 'Cue Detective (#27.2)" (2015)
Milhouse Van Houten: [about Doctor Doolittle] The running time is 152 minutes.
Nelson Muntz: The running time is now!
[Tries to run for the door, but Groundskeeper Willie hits him with the hose and knocks him back in his seat]

"The Simpsons: Pulpit Friction (#24.18)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: Gentlemen, this fort is now complete, and will last forever.
Milhouse Van Houten: Not even the Nazis can get in here.
Nelson Muntz: I thought we were the Nazis.

"The Simpsons: Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder (#11.6)" (1999)
Milhouse: Ugh, you're polishing bone!

"The Simpsons: Waverly Hills, 9021-D'Oh (#20.19)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: We have to go back to Springfield. I just remembered I was playing hide-and-seek with Milhouse.
Milhouse: [In the dumpster back of the Kwik-E Mart] Three weeks! This must be a new record!

"The Simpsons: What to Expect When Bart's Expecting (#25.19)" (2014)
Bart Simpson: Every time I take art, some goody-goody teacher sends me to the school counselor.
Milhouse Van Houten: Your stuff is pretty disturbing.
Bart Simpson: I never acted on any of it.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
[Mrs. Krabappel is spraying air freshener in the classroom]
Bart Simpson: Yuck! What reeks?
Nelson Muntz: Smells like one of van Houten's.
Milhouse van Houten: It does not!

"The Simpsons: Moe Goes from Rags to Riches (#23.12)" (2012)
Milhouse: I'm not your puppet, Bart.
Bart Simpson: I know. I made you into a real boy last week.
Milhouse: And I will always be grateful for that, but it's time you treated me with some respect.

"The Simpsons: The Haw-Hawked Couple (#18.8)" (2006)
Milhouse Van Houten: Trust me, Bart. It's better you walk in on both parents than to walk in on just one.

"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
Bart Simpson: Okay, Milhouse, let's try out the new cup.
Milhouse Van Houten: [kicks Bart in the groin]
Bart Simpson: Again!
Milhouse Van Houten: [kicks Bart in the groin again]
Bart Simpson: [yawns]
Milhouse Van Houten: [kicks Bart in the groin again and again]
Marge Simpson: Milhouse, stop that!

The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
Lisa Simpson: Milhouse, stop following me around!
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh hi, Lisa. My, your hair looks pointy today.
Lisa Simpson: Milhouse, have you seen Bart?
Milhouse Van Houten: So, do you have a date to the harvest ball?
Lisa Simpson: This isn't a good time.
Milhouse Van Houten: It's NEVER a good time!

"The Simpsons: Homerpalooza (#7.24)" (1996)
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, wait! I'm okay today! My mom bought me deodorant!

"The Simpsons: $pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (#5.10)" (1993)
[performing at Bart's Casino]
Robert Goulet: [singing] Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost its wheel, and the Joker got away, hey!
[cheering and applause]
Robert Goulet: Thank you, thank you very much...
[twirls his microphone, hits Milhouse]
Milhouse Van Houten: Ow!
Robert Goulet: Oh! I'm sorry, kid.

"The Simpsons: Double, Double, Boy in Trouble (#20.3)" (2008)
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, Bart. I think I have a crush on your new sister.
Bart Simpson: You have a crush on my old sister.
Milhouse Van Houten: Yeah, but that wasn't going to happen.

"The Simpsons: Oh Brother, Where Bart Thou? (#21.8)" (2009)
Otto Mann: [after striking Ralph with his bus] Oh, my God! I killed Kenny!
Milhouse van Houten: [Corrects him] Ralph.
Otto Mann: No, I killed Kenny yesterday. What was I doing now?

"The Simpsons: Replaceable You (#23.4)" (2011)
Milhouse: Bart, is that cootie shot ready yet?
Bart Simpson: The science fair isn't until next week.
Milhouse: But I need it now! My dog and I accidentally touched tongues.
Bart Simpson: How is it accidentally when it's the fifth time?

"The Simpsons: Radioactive Man (#7.2)" (1995)
Radioactive Man: [after Milhouse has fled the picture, the director and producer are looking at a rough cut of preexisting footage edited together in order to complete the film without Milhouse]
[Radioactive Man in a cave is surrounded by aliens looking for a fight and whispers to an unseen Fallout Boy]
Radioactive Man: It looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy.
Milhouse Van Houten: [the scene changes from a cave to Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy standing in a field] Jiminy jillikers!
Radioactive Man: [the scene returns to the cave] We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready?
Milhouse Van Houten: [the scene changes again to Fallout Boy sitting at home who takes a long time to respond] Yes.
[the scene again changes to Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy fighting completely different aliens on the Moon]

"The Simpsons: This Little Wiggy (#9.18)" (1998)
[first lines]
Edna Krabappel: Now, whose calculator can tell what seven times eight is?
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh! Oh! Low Battery?
Edna Krabappel: [sighs] Whatever.

"The Simpsons: Coming to Homerica (#20.21)" (2009)
Milhouse: Minnesota Vikings apparel? This is Tennessee Titans territory!

"The Simpsons: Team Homer (#7.12)" (1996)
Milhouse Van Houten: [Reading a MAD Magazine with Bart] They're really stickin' it to that Spiro Angew guy! He must work there or something!

"The Simpsons: American History X-cellent (#21.17)" (2010)
Moe Szyslak: Throwing stuff! Turn your protest into a riot!
Milhouse Van Houten: How much for a tomato?
Moe Szyslak: Fresh is one dollar, rotten is two bucks.
Kirk Van Houten: Son, do you really need the rotten one?
[Milhouse looks at him eagerly]
Kirk Van Houten: Oh, all right. But don't tell your mother.

"The Simpsons: The Crepes of Wrath (#1.11)" (1990)
[Bart has found a cherry bomb]
Milhouse Van Houten: So you're gonna flush it?
Bart Simpson: What can I say? I got a weakness for the classics.

"The Simpsons: Faith Off (#11.11)" (2000)
Milhouse: [after being hit by a truck] Bury me at Makeout Creek!

"The Simpsons: The Nightmare After Krustmas (#28.10)" (2016)
Bart Simpson: If he was going to convert why didn't he pick a funny religion?
Milhouse Van Houten: Like Zoroastrianism. Their top god is named Mazda. Tell me that's not hilarious.

"The Simpsons: The Kid Is Alright (#25.6)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Why aren't you making new friends?
Bart Simpson: What's wrong with the ones I have now?
Milhouse Van Houten: I finally got that M&M out of my inner ear. I was right, it was a green one.
Homer Simpson: [Thinking] Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear. Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear.
[Santa's Little Helper jumps and takes M&M, which remains in his tongue]
Homer Simpson: [Thinking] Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear and the dog's mouth. Don't eat it...
[Camera pulls back to show the M&M in Homer's tongue]
Marge Simpson: Oh, for Pete's sake!
[Takes M&M out of Homer's mouth and puts it back in Milhouse's ear]