Edna Krabappel
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Quotes for
Edna Krabappel (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: The Ned-Liest Catch (#22.22)" (2011)
Principal Seymour Skinner: Edna, control your student. He's ruined more school assemblies than the sun in the northern window.
Edna Krabappel: I tried, but he's uncontrollable. Frowny stickers mean nothing to him.

Edna Krabappel: In all my years of teaching, I've never raised my hand at a student.
Homer Simpson: But you learned. You grew.
Marge Simpson: Homer! You never strike a child. Just leave the crust on their sandwiches. They'll get the message.

Edna Krabappel: So I get paid to do nothing all day?
Principal Seymour Skinner: I'm afraid it's not that simple.
Superintendent Chalmers: Who's in charge of this meeting, Skinner?
Homer Simpson: [whispers to Marge] I thought I was.

Bart Simpson: You shouldn't be punished for something I did. You should just go unpunished forever.
Edna Krabappel: Half-assed apology accepted.

Edna Krabappel: You made a dummy of me?
Bart Simpson: I use it to workshop my pranks.

Edna Krabappel: You're darn lucky to have Ned Flanders as a neighbor.
Ned Flanders: Language.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, language.

Superintendent Chalmers: Now to turn on this malfunctioning air conditioner.
[White clumps fall out of air conditioner]
Edna Krabappel: Is that ice?
Superintendent Chalmers: No, spider egg sacs.
[Spiders hatch and crawl into mouth of sleeping man]
Superintendent Chalmers: He's a science teacher. He'll know what to do.

Edna Krabappel: I'm proud I dated all those men.
Comic Book Guy: [shouting from outside the window] I still wear your bra!
Edna Krabappel: Maybe not proud. I'm stuck with it.

"The Simpsons: The PTA Disbands (#6.21)" (1995)
[in the school cafeteria]
Mrs. Krabappel: Seymour, you have to think of the children's future.
Seymour: Oh, Edna. We all know that these children HAVE no future.
[everyone stops and stares at Seymour]
Seymour: Prove me wrong, children. Prove me wrong.

Mrs. Krabappel: Seymour, the children are playing in the hole again.

Ned Flanders: Well, I guess this is a case where we'll have to agree to disagree.
Principal Skinner: I don't agree to that.
Mrs. Krabappel: Neither do I.

"The Simpsons: Bart's Friend Falls in Love (#3.23)" (1992)
Samantha Stanky: How will we know when we fall in love?
Mrs. Krabappel: Oh, don't worry children. Most of you will *never* fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone!

[after watching a film on sex education]
Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature?
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
Bart: God-schmod, I want my monkey man.

Mrs. Krabappel: [Mrs. Krabappel's class is watching a sex education video] She's faking.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets a 'Z' (#21.2)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: You need to go out once in a while. When was the last time you washed your hair?
Edna Krabappel: Two weeks ago.
Bart Simpson: That's better than me, but you still need to go out.

Ned Flanders: One cran bran for the Flan man.
Bart Simpson: Here you go.
Edna Krabappel: What did he ask for?
Bart Simpson: Beats me. I just gave him a banana.

Edna Krabappel: You know why they call it a choir? Because choir we listening to this crap?

"The Simpsons: Grade School Confidential (#8.19)" (1997)
Mrs. Krabappel: As you know, Bart, one day your permanent record will disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisiest jobs.

Principal Skinner: Is this how you imagined your life, Edna?
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, yes, but then I was a very depressed child.

"The Simpsons: The Principal and the Pauper (#9.2)" (1997)
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: You know, where I come from, there's no better way to get acquainted by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance together.
[to Bart]
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Why don't you lead us, son?
Bart Simpson: Hey, America, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, America.
[makes a farting noise, the kids laugh]
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Well, that's very concise. But it's an insult to everything I suffered for. Now take a seat, junior, and listen to someone who gave their youth in service to their country. Mrs. "Crabapple", the pledge, please?
Mrs. Krabappel: You haven't dealt with women for a long time, have you, Sergeant?
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Are you asking me out?

Homer Simpson: [Homer is driving the family car] Okay, once more. Where are we going?
Mrs. Krabappel: To Capitol City.
Homer Simpson: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
[Camera pulls back to reveal Mrs. Krabappel and Mrs. Skinner sitting next to him]
Agnes Skinner: We're going to talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
Homer Simpson: And why is Marge here?
[Camera pulls back again to reveal Marge riding shotgun]
Marge Simpson: I came up with the idea.
Homer Simpson: And why am I here?
Marge Simpson: Because the streets of Capitol City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
Homer Simpson: And why are the kids here?
[Camera pulls back to reveal Bart, Lisa and Maggie in the back seat, sticking their heads out of the window]
Marge Simpson: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
Homer Simpson: Then why is Grandpa here?
[Camera pulls back to reveal that the kids are sitting in Grandpa's lap]
Abe Simpson: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself!
[Jasper turns his head around, revealing he is riding in the very rear]

"The Simpsons: Flaming Moe's (#3.10)" (1991)
[as he enters the now popular Moe's Tavern, Homer accidentally bumps into Mrs. Krabappel's butt. He then looks at her and notices she has a heavy make-up and that she wears a bikini top]
Mrs. Krabappel: Hiya, scrumptious. Do you want to ignite my drink?
Homer Simpson: You're my kid's teacher!
Mrs. Krabappel: Single parent, are we?
Homer Simpson: No!
Mrs. Krabappel: [hugs his back with one hand and suggestively touches his belly and then his chin with the other one] Well, let's pretend you are...
Homer Simpson: Get away from me.
[shoves her away and walks away from her]

[Mrs. Krabappel lies down on the bed in Aerosmith's trailer]
Joey Kramer: Mrs. Krabappel, I really need my drumsticks.
Mrs. Krabappel: [lasciviously plays with the drumsticks and then talks with a passionate voice] Come and get 'em...
[puts one of them in her mouth]

"The Simpsons: Bart the Lover (#3.16)" (1992)
Elizabeth Hoover: I fail to see the educational value of this assembly.
Mrs. Krabappel: Ah, it will be one of their few pleasant memories when they're pumping gas for a living.

Mrs. Krabappel: [sighs] Oh, Woodrow. How could you stand me up?
Bart Simpson: Mrs. K, whoever this guy is, you don't need him. There are plenty of good men around.
Mrs. Krabappel: Name one.
Bart Simpson: What's wrong with Principal Skinner?
Mrs. Krabappel: Seymour? Heh. Let's just say his mommy won't let him out to play.
Bart Simpson: What about Coach Fortner?
Mrs. Krabappel: [makes a drinking gesture] Glug, glug, glug, glug glug, glug, glug, glug.
Bart Simpson: Wow... What about Groundskeeper Willie?
Mrs. Krabappel: Gah! I'm not even gonna tell you what that guy's into! Bart, you are the closest thing to a man in my life... and that's so depressing, I think I'm gonna cry.
[starts sobbing]

"The Simpsons: Black-Eyed, Please (#24.15)" (2013)
Edna Krabappel: Honey, I know you feel guilty that you cold-cocked Homer.
Ned Flanders: Please don't say that word in bed.

Edna Krabappel: Only one way to get rid of her: the nuclear option.
Homer Simpson: How much plutonium do you need? I must warn you, it might take me twenty minutes to get it.

"The Simpsons: My Big Fat Geek Wedding (#15.17)" (2004)
Edna Krabappel: Aww, that is the most romantic thing I've ever heard... which is kind of sad when you think about it.

"The Simpsons: Love Is a Many Strangled Thing (#22.17)" (2011)
Edna Krabappel: Bart Simpson. What would your father say if he knew what you were doing?
Bart Simpson: He'd say, "I'm a grown man who's scared of my son."
Edna Krabappel: I find that hard to believe.
Bart Simpson: Oh yeah? Look.
[points to Homer]
Homer Simpson: [writing "I'm a grown man who's afraid of his own son" on chalkboard] How many more, sir?
Bart Simpson: Fill the board, then wash my car.
[Tosses set of keys at Homer]
Homer Simpson: But these are my keys!
Bart Simpson: What was that?
Homer Simpson: My keys... ter is ready for another whooping, sir.

"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)
[Bart is making a show-and-tell presentation]
Bart Simpson: What has four legs and ticks?
Milhouse Van Houten: A walking clock?
Nelson Muntz: A walking clock!
Martin Prince: [to another kid] I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box.
Edna Krabappel: Bart, is it a walking clock?
Bart Simpson: Huh? No, it's my dog.

"The Simpsons: The Parent Rap (#13.2)" (2001)
Edna Krabappel: Okay, now who can pick out the predicate in this sentence?
Homer Simpson: Ahhh!
Edna Krabappel: What is it now, Bart?
Bart Simpson: Night terrors.
Homer Simpson: Ahh! Cobras!

"The Simpsons: Secrets of a Successful Marriage (#5.22)" (1994)
[Homer is teaching a university course on marriage]
Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Mrs. Krabappel: We need names.
Homer: Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson."

"The Simpsons: Postcards from the Wedge (#21.14)" (2010)
Edna Krabappel: Bart, you had a month to do that assigment. You started thirty minutes ago.
Bart Simpson: Thank you, thank you.
Edna Krabappel: That wasn't a compliment. You have crushed my dreams of teaching ever since I saw "To Sir With Love" as a little girl.
Nelson Muntz: Ha-ha! You're old!
Edna Krabappel: It was on VHS in the '80s.
Nelson Muntz: Outdated medium. I stand by my "Ha-ha!"

"The Simpsons: A Test Before Trying (#24.10)" (2013)
Mrs. Krabappel: I don't have to worry about leaving you alone because I have a spy.
Milhouse: You promised you wouldn't tell!
[Everyone turns to Milhouse]
Milhouse: Which you didn't do. I guess we'll never know who the Milhouse is.

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Iconoclast (#7.16)" (1996)
Mrs. Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before moving to Spingfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word.

"The Simpsons: The Devil Wears Nada (#21.5)" (2009)
Edna Krabappel: Today, we're going to read about Washington crossing the Delaware.
Nelson Muntz: I'd rather see Bart's mom in her underwear.
Edna Krabappel: The British side was under the command of General Howe.
Nelson Muntz: I give Bart's mom a general wow!
Bart Simpson: Stop that, she's my mom!
Nelson Muntz: Keep-away with Bart's mom!
[Throws calendar to Milhouse]
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh, Mrs. S. You can tuck me in anytime.
Bart Simpson: [Aims slingshot at Milhouse] Okay, buddy. Lower the eyebrows, nice and easy.
[Milhouse lowers one eyebrow]
Bart Simpson: Now the other one.
[Milhouse lowers the other eyebrow, but then raises it again; Bart hits him with slingshot]
Milhouse Van Houten: Ow! It's stuck! Now I'll have a quizzical expression all day.
Nelson Muntz: I'd like to get quizzical with Bart's mom.
[Bart tackles Nelson and they fight]

"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob Roberts (#6.5)" (1994)
[after Bob's election]
Principal Skinner: Bart, by special order of the Mayor's office, you're being held back.
Bart: Oh, I have to repeat the fourth grade?
Principal Skinner: Yes, but not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten.
Bart: Kindergarten?
Mrs. Krabappel: [pops champagne] Ha!

"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)
[getting death threat letters has made Bart paranoid on his way to school]
Marge: [menacingly, with large scissors] Bart... I'm going to GET you...
[brightly, clipping coupons]
Marge: ...some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola.
[Bart walks down the street]
Ned Flanders: [menacingly, wearing a Freddy Kruger razor glove] Say your prayers, Simpson...
Ned Flanders: ...because the schools can't force you like they should.
[to Maude]
Ned Flanders: Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.
[Bart enters class]
Mrs. Krabappel: [menacingly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...
Mrs. Krabappel: ...in our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzy.
[Martin is wearing a dress and a wig, wielding an axe]
Martin Prince: Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart.

"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Homer (#5.9)" (1993)
[first lines]
Bart: [finishes with his paintbrush] The beauty of it is, each parking space is a mere one foot narrower. Indistinguishable to the naked eye. But therein lies the game.
Milhouse: I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away.
Principal Skinner: Blasted woman, you parked too close! Move your car!
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your mama!
Principal Skinner: Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Substitute (#2.19)" (1991)
[despite Bart's runaway popularity during the presidential campaign, he loses the election because only two kids bother to vote]
Bart: I demand a recount!
Edna Krabappel: [empties the box] One for Martin. Two for Martin. Would you like another recount?
Bart: No.
Edna Krabappel: Well, I just want to make sure. One for Martin, two for Martin.

"The Simpsons: Duffless (#4.16)" (1993)
Principal Skinner: [seeing Bart's science project] "Go-Go Ray"?
Bart Simpson: Allow me to demonstrate.
[turns switch to "Mashed Potato" and zaps Skinner]
Principal Skinner: AH! What the-?
[He does the Mashed Potato across the room. Mrs. Krabappel laughs. Bart turns the switch to "Monkey" and zaps her]
Edna Krabappel: AH! Can't... stop... doing... the Monkey!

"The Simpsons: Special Edna (#14.7)" (2003)
Bart: Hey wait a minute, man. You don't have to leave just because Superintendent Chalmers tells you to. You've spent your whole life following orders. From your mother, the army, Superintendent Chalmers. For once in your life, stand up for yourself, man.
Principal Skinner: Okay, Bart.
Mrs. Krabappel: Let's go, Seymour.
Principal Skinner: Okay, Edna.

"The Simpsons: Bart the Genius (#1.2)" (1990)
Edna Krabappel: These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success.
[She looks at Bart]
Edna Krabappel: If any.

"The Simpsons: Bart the Murderer (#3.4)" (1991)
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart Simpson, you're late! Go to the office and fill out a tardy slip.
Bart: But I'm only
[looks at the clock]
Bart: five, ten, fifteen, twenty... forty minutes? That's pretty damn late!

"The Simpsons: Brother from the Same Planet (#4.14)" (1993)
[Bart's class is having Show and Tell]
Bart: Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.
[Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]
Martin Prince: Hey...
[falls down on the ground, twitching]
Mrs. Krabappel: He's not dead, is he Bart?
Bart: Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.
Mrs. Krabappel: Very good, Bart. Thank you.
Bart: Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.
Mrs. Krabappel: Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.
Milhouse Van Houten: Uh, I have a horsey.
[mimics his toy horse neighing in a slurry way which then trails off]
Nelson Muntz: Wuss!

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets an F (#2.1)" (1990)
Mrs. Krabappel: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Krabappel: And are you aware there is a major exam coming up tomorrow on Colonial America?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
[as he starts to glaze, all he hears is:]
Mrs. Krabappel: Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Krabappel: Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah!
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart! You haven't been listening to a word I've said, have you?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, then what did I say?
Bart: Uh..."straighten up and fly right?"
Mrs. Krabappel: [spluttering] Well, that was a lucky guess!

"The Simpsons: Moonshine River (#24.1)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: I need someone to dance with so I can zing my sister.
Edna Krabappel: All right, but you'll have to do your homework. Just kidding. I've given up on you long ago.
Bart Simpson: Just move your girdle, Yertil.

"The Simpsons: Lisa on Ice (#6.8)" (1994)
Edna Krabappel: All right, children, it's book report time. We'll go in alphabetical order. Today will be A-M.
Bart Simpson: Saved! I love being a S-S-S-S-Simpson!
Edna Krabappel: Let's see, we have no A's. So we'll go right to the B's. Bart?
Bart Simpson: Huh?
Edna Krabappel: Ha!

"The Simpsons: The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (#8.25)" (1997)
[Bart is shipped off to military school]
Mrs. Krabappel: [pouring champagne] You dream about this day for so long, then when it comes, you don't know what to say.
Principal Skinner: Edna, your tears say more than words ever could.

"The Simpsons: Brother's Little Helper (#11.2)" (1999)
[Bart is about to destroy the school with a tank]
Edna Krabappel: [monotonous and indifferent] No, stop, think of the children.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XII (#13.1)" (2001)
[to Bart, who has mis-cast a spell to change a frog into a prince]
Mrs. Krabappel: Sloppy work, as usual. Lisa's casting spells at an eighth-grade level. You've sinned against nature.

"The Simpsons: How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window? (#22.7)" (2010)
Edna Krabappel: I won't ask who sent the message if I can use the pigeon to send an message of my own.
Bart Simpson: As long as we're not learning.
Edna Krabappel: Deal.

"The Simpsons: Summer of 4'2" (#7.25)" (1996)
[the school bell rings]
Milhouse: School's out! Up yours, Krabappel!
[Milhouse runs off, no one else moves]
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, I'm glad the rest of you remembered that summer vacation starts at the end of the day, not the beginning.
[Krabappel motions to a clock that reads; 9 am]

"The Simpsons: Hungry Hungry Homer (#12.15)" (2001)
[Skinner hands Edna Krabappel an ice cream cone]
Mrs. Krabappel: Oh Seymour, you shouldn't have. It's going to go straight to my thighs.
Principal Seymour: Well Edna, it just might have some company.

"The Simpsons: Moms I'd Like to Forget (#22.10)" (2011)
Nelson Muntz: [Sprays Gatorade on Mrs. Krabappel after a dogeball game]
Edna Krabappel: Hey! I'm not the coach!
Nelson Muntz: I know... I just wanted to see if you were wearing a bra.
Edna Krabappel: [Put a hand to her chest and smile at Nelson]

"The Simpsons: This Little Wiggy (#9.18)" (1998)
[first lines]
Edna Krabappel: Now, whose calculator can tell what seven times eight is?
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh! Oh! Low Battery?
Edna Krabappel: [sighs] Whatever.

"The Simpsons: Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays (#15.8)" (2004)
Bart Simpson: Make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times.
Edna Krabappel: We all got tired of that chalkboard years ago.