Marge Simpson
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Quotes for
Marge Simpson (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Marge Simpson: Homer, you have to go out there, face that mob, and apologize for what you did.
Homer Simpson: I would, but I'm afraid if I open the door, they'll take all of you!
Carl: No we won't. We just want Homer!
Homer Simpson: Well, maybe not you, but they'll kill Grandpa!
Grampa: I'm part of the mob!

Homer Simpson: Okay, son. You have only one chance to throw that bomb through the hole.
Bart Simpson: Dad, in case I don't make it, I'm sorry I said I wish you weren't my dad.
Homer Simpson: I don't blame you, son. I've never been that good of a father. Maybe it all starts with the way my father raised me. Yes, it's all clear to me. It's all just been one long, unbroken chain of...
Marge Simpson: Somebody throw the goddamn bomb!

Marge Simpson: Mmmm, best kiss of my life.
Homer Simpson: Best kiss of your life, so far.

Marge Simpson: "Eepa." What does that mean?
Comic Book Guy: I believe it was the sound Green Lantern made when Sinestro dropped him in a vat of acid. "Eee-pa!"
Marge Simpson: Yeah. Well, thanks for coming over.
Comic Book Guy: [happily] Thanks for giving me your pregnancy pants; I've never known comfort like this.

Tom Hanks: [voiceover in TV ad] Are you tired of the same old Grand Canyon?
TV Dad: [bored] Here we are kids. The Grand Canyon.
TV Daughter: Oh, it's so old and boring! I want a new one, *now!*
Tom Hanks: [appears from behind bush] Hello. I'm Tom Hanks. The US Government has lost its credibility, so it's borrowing some of mine.
TV Son: Tussle my hair, Mr. Hanks!
Tom Hanks: Sure thing, son.
[laughs as he does so. Stars come out of the boy's hair. He then smiles in wonder]
Tom Hanks: Now, I'm pleased to tell you about the new Grand Canyon.
[shot changes to that of a smouldering crater]
Tom Hanks: Coming this weekend! It's east of Shelbyville and south of Capital City.
Marge Simpson: [watching ad] That's where Springfield is!
Tom Hanks: It's nowhere near where anything is or ever was. This is Tom Hanks saying, if you're gonna pick a government to trust, why not this one?

[Moe sports a bathrobe and a traffic cone on his head]
Marge Simpson: Why are you dressed like that?
Moe: Well, I don't like to brag, but I am now the Emperor of Springfield.
Barney Gumble: No, you're not!
[throws fire bomb at Moe]
Moe: Yes, I am!
[throws bomb back and it explodes]
Barney Gumble: Okay. Hail Emperor.

Marge Simpson: Wait! There's something I have to get!
[Runs into house, unlocks "Keepsake Cabinet", grabs tape, washes dirty dish, and races out, mere steps ahead of fireball]
Homer Simpson: [Marge gets back into car] What'd you get?
Marge Simpson: Our wedding video.
Homer Simpson: We have a wedding video?

Marge Simpson: [grimacing at the overflowing 'Pig Crap' silo] He filled up the whole silo in just two days?
Homer Simpson: [proudly] Well, I helped.

Lisa Simpson: [during end credits] It looks like Maggie has something to say!
Marge Simpson: Oh my God! Her first word!
Maggie Simpson: [takes pacifier out of mouth]
[pause]
Maggie Simpson: Sequel?

Marge Simpson: Bart, are you drinking whiskey?
Bart Simpson: I'm troubled.

Marge Simpson: [to Lisa] Honey, that's great. But the very best thing is that he listens to you. Because nothing means more than for a man to...
[looks up in surprise]
Marge Simpson: How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?
[cuts to Homer holding a pig to the ceiling]
Homer Simpson: [singing Tune to Spider-Man Theme Song] Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig. / Does whatever a Spider-Pig does. / Can he swing / from a web? / No he *can't*, / He's a pig. / Look out! / He is the Spider-Pig!

Marge Simpson: Homer, it was you! You single-handedly killed the entire town!
Homer Simpson: I know, it's *weird!*

Lisa Simpson: But I'm so angry.
Marge Simpson: You're a woman. You can hold on to it forever.

Marge Simpson: Despite everything, I miss your father.
Bart Simpson: Me too... his big fat ass could shield us all.

Marge Simpson: Okay, here it goes. Homer, I've always stood up for you. When people point out your flaws, I always say, "Well, sometimes you have to stand back to appreciate a work of art."
Homer Simpson: Way back.
Marge Simpson: Lately, what's keeping us together is my ability to overlook everything you do. And I overlook these things because...
Homer Simpson: Because?
Marge Simpson: Well, that's the thing. I just don't know how to finish that sentence anymore. So I'm leaving with the kids to help Springfield, and we're never coming back. And to prove to myself that this is the end... I taped this over our wedding video. Good-bye, Homie.

[car tyres screech to a halt outside. The Simpsons' silhouettes as the family make their way to the church door. Their conversation can also be heard]
Marge Simpson: I hate being late!
Homer Simpson: Well I hate going. Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way, by praying like hell on my death bed.
Marge Simpson: Homer, they can hear you inside!
Homer Simpson: Relax! Those pious morons are too busy talking to their phoney-baloney God!
[the family enter the church to total silence and angry looks. They make their way to their pew]
Homer Simpson: How ya doin'? Peace be with you. Praise Jebus.

Homer Simpson: Screw Springfield!
Marge Simpson: [gasps] I can't believe you'd say something so selfish.
Homer Simpson: Marge, those people chased us with pitchforks and torches. TORCHES! At four in the afternoon!
Marge Simpson: It was 7 at night.
Homer Simpson: It was during Access Hollywood.
Marge Simpson: Which is on at 4 and 7.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Marge Simpson: Homer, please get rid of that pig.
Homer Simpson: Oh you're gonna love him. Look he does an impression of you.
[Homer squeezes the pigs belly causing it to make a loud squeeling sound]
Homer Simpson: Nailed her!
[silence]
Homer Simpson: He also does me
[squeezes the pig again, causing it to burp]
Homer Simpson: .
Marge Simpson: [laughs]
Homer Simpson: You smiled! I'm off the hook.

Homer Simpson: Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
Marge Simpson: Actually, it's aged me horribly.

Marge Simpson: Homer, in every marriage you get one chance to say, "I need you to do this with me."
Homer Simpson: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Lisa Simpson: Mom, I've got to go find Colin.
Marge Simpson: Not now, sweetie. Doomsday is family time.

[the wrecking ball dings the truck Marge, Lisa and Bart are in]
Bart Simpson: Did you hear something?
Lisa Simpson: Probably just a moth.
Marge Simpson: I hope it's okay.

Bart Simpson: [drunkenly] Mom?
Marge Simpson: Yes honey?
Bart Simpson: You just bought another load of crap from the world's fattest fertilizer salesman.
Homer Simpson: You'll pay for ruining the golden family moment!
Marge Simpson: Homer!
Bart Simpson: How are we supposed to get to Alaska without any money?
Homer Simpson: Alright, son. If you don't believe me, believe in America!

Marge Simpson: [observing a silo marked "Pig Crap"] Ugh... it's leaking!
Homer Simpson: It's not leaking, it's overflowing!
Marge Simpson: He filled up the whole silo in two days?
Homer Simpson: Well I helped.

Marge Simpson: [Springfield has just been encased in a glass dome] EPA! It's all come true.
Grampa: [about himself] That crazy old man in church was right.

Homer Simpson: So, who wants waffles?
Bart Simpson, Grampa, Lisa Simpson: I do! I do! I do!
Marge Simpson: What about Grampa?
Bart Simpson: I want syrup!
Lisa Simpson: I want strawberries!
Marge Simpson: Shouldn't we be concerned about what happened in church?
Homer Simpson: I'll tell you what happened. A certain someone had a senior moment, but that's okay, because we love him anyway, and we got a free rug out of it.
[Kisses Grampa on the forehead]
Marge Simpson: What's the point of going to church every Sunday if when someone we love has a genuine religious experience we ignore it? Right, Grampa?
Grampa: I want bananas on my waffles.
Homer Simpson: I rest my case.

Marge Simpson: "A thousand eyes." What could that mean?
Grampa: Hmm. I'm pretty sure a thousand... is a number.


"The Simpsons: I Married Marge (#3.12)" (1991)
[Marge is pregnant with Bart]
Marge: Hey, come over here and feel our baby kicking.
Homer: Wow! Kid, I won't let you down. I swear to you, when you come out of there, the first thing you're going to see is a man with a good job.
Patty: Yeah... the doctor.

Marge: Homer, do you ever think about the future?
Homer: You mean will apes be our masters?

[when Bart was born]
Marge: Homey, isn't he beautiful?
Homer: Hey, as long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me.

[Homer is working at a drive-thru window]
Homer: Yeah, what do you want?
Marge: My husband by my side.
Homer: You want fries with that?

Marge: "Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test"? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand?
Homer: But Marge, this one came with a free corncob pipe!
Marge: Okay, let's see. "Ahoy mateys! If the water turns blue, a baby for you. If purple ye see, no baby thar be."
Homer: Well, what color is it? Blue or purple?
Marge: Pink.
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: Hmm. "If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail."

Homer: Oh, honey do you really think you're pregnant?
Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I did with the other kids.
Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tingling in my chest and profuse sweating I always get.

Homer: Marge, there's something that I want to ask you, but I'm afraid, because if you say no, it will destroy me and make me a criminal.
Marge: Well, I haven't said no to you yet, have I?
Homer: Marge... Oh, damn it.
Marge: What's wrong?
Homer: Ohn I wrote down what I wanted to say on a card. The stupid thing must have fallen out of my pocket.
[He turns and hunches over the seat, rooting around the floor of the back of the car, and honking the horn with his feet. Marge picks up a card]
Marge: Is this it?
Homer: I don't know, what does it say?
Marge: [reading] "Marge, from the moment I met you I never wanted to be with anyone else. I have nothing to offer you except all of my love. Will you marry me?"
Homer: That's it. Give it here.
Marge: Oh, Homer. This is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
Homer: So... will you marry me?
Marge: ...Yes!
Homer: WOO HOO! She's going to marry me! In your face, everyone!

Dr. Hibbert: Perhaps this pamphlet will prove useful.
Marge: [reading] "So You've Ruined Your Life"...

Marge: Homer, if the baby's a boy, what do you think about the name Larry?
Homer: Marge, we can't do that. All the kids will call him Larry Fairy.
Marge: How about Louie?
Homer: They'll call him Screwy Louie.
Marge: Bob?
Homer: Slob.
Marge: Luke?
Homer: Puke.
Marge: Marcus?
Homer: Mucus.
Marge: What about Bart?
Homer: Hmm, let's see. Bart, Cart, Dart, E-art... nope, can't see any problem with that
[seemingly forgetting that "fart" would come next]

Homer: [as Marge goes into labor] Step aside. I'll deliver this baby.
Dr. Hibbert: Uh, why don't you let me handle it, Homer?
Homer: Oh, college boy, eh?
[Squares up to Dr. Hibbert]
Marge: Homer, for God's sakes, let him deliver the baby!

Homer: Ahhh, Bart. Daddy's little angel.
[Bart uses Homer's lighter to set his tie on fire]
Homer: Argh! Why you little - He did that on purpose!
Marge: How could he? He's only ten minutes old.

Homer: Bart, Lisa, come here for a minute. You know, son, the day you were born, I received the greatest gift a man could have. As the years went by, your mother and I were blessed twice more, and not a day goes by that we don't thank God for all three of you.
Marge: [Marge enters] Homer, I'm not pregnant!
Homer: Yeah! Whoo! Excellent, Marge!
Marge: Yes!
[They high five each other]


"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
Marge: My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.
Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.

[Homer can't stop the monorail]
Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you.
Homer: Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: It's NOT Batman.

Homer: Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.
Marge: Homer, no.
Homer: It's my lifelong dream!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember?
[Points to a framed newspaper reading "IDIOT RUINS GAME - Springfield forfeits pennant"]

[Homer and Marge discuss the dangers of a monorail]
Marge: What if something goes wrong?
Homer: Pffft... what if. What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh my god, I'd be killed!

Marge Simpson: [Marge opens a closet in the monorail] Homer, there's a family of opossums in here!
Homer: I call the big one Bitey.

Sebastian Kobb: [showing Marge North Haverbrook's monorail] This is all that's left of one of the crappiest trains ever built.
Marge Simpson: [worried] Mr Kobb, what can we do?
Sebastian Kobb: You just better have a damn good conductor.
[cuts to the monorail where Homer is clattering a metal wire over the monorail door]
Homer: Ohh, I locked my keys in there!
[to Bart]
Homer: Get a rock.

Marge Simpson: Well, I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of.
Homer: Like a giant billboard that says "No fat chicks"?
Marge Simpson: No.

Marge: [at the town meeting] Ooh, it looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this.
[cut to a group of burglars breaking into various houses]
Snake: Could this town be any stupider?

Marge: I still thing we should have used the money to fix Main Street.
Homer: Well, you should have written a song like that guy.

Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!
Crowd: [heading outside to the front steps while singing] Monorail... Monorail... Monoraaaaaaaaail! MONORAIL!
Homer: Mono - D'oh!

Marge: And that was the only folly the people of Springfield ever took on... Except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper, and that 50 ft magnifying glass, and the escalator to nowhere.
[people yelping as they fall off of the escalator]


The Simpsons Game (2007) (VG)
Marge Simpson: Bart! What are you doing next to a video game store?
[gasps]
Marge Simpson: Buying a video game!
[she snatches the game form Bart]
Marge Simpson: This is going to the same place that I put your swimsuit magazines, and BB gun! Homer's underwear drawer.
[she storms off]
Bart Simpson: Oh great, now I've got nothing to play except the games I got yesterday. And I'm totally sick of those!
[the Simpsons Game manual falls on Bart, who picks it up]
Bart Simpson: The Simpsons Game? Hmm... the only Simpsons Game I know is when we pretend Dad isn't an alcoholic. Hey, it's a game about Springfield! With Dad as a character, and Mom, and Lisa... who'd wanna play her?
[gasps]
Bart Simpson: I'm in this game? I wonder what my powers are? Jumping, leaping gliding...
[he turns into Bartman]
Bart Simpson: All right!
Homer Simpson: [appears clutching a gun and a magazine] Hey Bart, look what appeared in my magic drawer. Hey what's with the fruity get-up? If you're planning to come home like that don't bother.

Lisa Simpson: According to this you have video game powers too.
Marge Simpson: So I can talk to fish like Aquaman? Or do whatever it is Hawkman does?
Lisa Simpson: No, it says you have the power to make people do whatever you tell them to do.
Marge Simpson: Just like Oprah.

Marge Simpson: Bart, what are you doing near a video game store?
Marge Simpson: [gasps] Buying a video game?
Marge Simpson: [gasps] I've heard about this. It's the game where you play a meanie-bo-beanie who murders other meanie-bo-beanies.
Marge Simpson: I'm putting this game in the same place I put your swimsuit magazines, and your BB Gun: Homer's Underwear Drawer.
Bart Simpson: [groans] Oh, Great. Now I have nothing to play except the games I bought yesterday. And I'm totally sick of them.
Bart Simpson: [the Simpsons Game manual falls from heaven and lands in front of bart] The Simpsons Game? Hmm... this is so weird.
[picks up manual]
Bart Simpson: The only Simpsons Game I can think of is the one where we all pretend dad isn't an alcoholic. What could it be?
Bart Simpson: Wait a second, this is a manual for a video game set in springfield!
[gasp]
Bart Simpson: And dad is a character! And so is mom. And lisa... who'd wanna play her? Whoa, I'm in this game! I wonder what my moves are, jumping, floating, oh man I gotta try this!
Bart Simpson: [turns into bart man with heroic pose and wind blowing behind him] Wow, this is the only good book ever written!
Homer Simpson: Hey boy, look what appeared in my magic drawer. Hey, what's with the fruity get-up? If you're planning on coming home like that don't bother.
Bart Simpson: Dad, I'm a superhero now and I have all these awesome powers.
Homer Simpson: Superpowers, huh? Well that's cool I guess. I was gonna go shoot bats while reading swimsuit magazines in this cave. Wanna come with?
[Homer removes lid from manhole, Homer and Bart jump in]

Marge Simpson: Now everyone can enjoy this game! Not just *gamers*.

[a panel on a game cartridge opens up, revealing the Simpsons family from the very first Simpsons game ever made]
Homer Simpson: Wow. We look so pixely.
Bart Simpson: And poorly rendered.
Marge Simpson: Which one is supposed to be me?

Marge Simpson: [reading the newspaper] Yes! The legislative branch comes through again!
Lisa Simpson: Uh, Mom? Keep reading.
[Marge sees a picture in the paper showing Mayor Quimby accepting a bag of money]
Marge Simpson: Hmmm... Quimby's cozying up to that sleazy video game producer. That really burns my beehive!

[when sending the mob out to attack someone]
Marge Simpson: Beat the violence out of them!

[when sending dog mob to attack a Scratchy gangster]
Marge Simpson: Increase the peace... through violence!

[when ordering dog mob to repair a house]
Marge Simpson: Unpimp the house!

Marge Simpson: Sorry, Poochy, but even you aren't extreme enough to resist the power of a stay-at-home mom with too much time on her hands!


"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Marge: You lied to me Homer. You told me you got rid of the gun.
Homer: But Marge, I swear, I never thought you'd find out.

Marge: Homer! I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?
Homer: I thought Smithers did it.
Lisa: That would've made a lot more sense.

Marge: I've left Homer.
Selma Bouvier: Thank God.
Marge: So we need a place to spend the night.
Selma Bouvier: Try the Sleep-Easy motel. I woke up there once. It seemed nice.
Marge: Why can't we stay here?
Selma Bouvier: Aah... we have a gentleman caller.
TV Repair Man: Hey, this TV's not broken, it's just unplugged. What the?
Selma Bouvier: Gotta go!
[Selma shuts the door]

Marge: Homer, we've got to get out of here!
Homer: Ooh, but I want to do some rioting.
[pushes one of the Scotsmen]
Willie's Friend: [turns to face Homer, screaming] Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker!
Homer: All done!
[runs off]

Marge: I'm a lucky woman.
Homer: And I'm a wonderful man.

Marge: [as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?
Bart Simpson: Um...
Homer: Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!
[points gun to himself]
Marge: Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.
Homer: You said the breakfast table.
Marge: It's the same table!
Homer: Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.
[attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board]
Homer: Oh... I guess the safety was on.
[He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest]
Homer: I'd better just put it down.
[sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes]
Lisa: No offence, Mom, but that was pretty cool.

Bart Simpson: [after he finds Homer's gun and tries to shoot an apple off Milhouse's head] And the next marksman is: William Tell, Jr.!
Milhouse Van Houten: Jinx!
Marge: [when she comes home; gasps] Bart!
Homer: Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun.
Marge: You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun.
Homer: I put it in a safe place, Marge! I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?
Marge: How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst, the most despicable!
Homer: But, Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!
Marge: Mmm... until you decide what's more important, your gun, or your family, we can't live in the same house. Come on, kids.
[takes the kids and leaves]
Homer: So this is the thanks I get for protecting my family? Then go. I'll be just fine.
[door slams; Homer turns to Milhouse]
Homer: Do you know how to cook dinner?
Milhouse Van Houten: [excitedly] Do I?
[starts looking through a cabinet, rummaging through pots and pans]

Homer: [to Marge] Oh, honey, please come home. I need you! It's dark in the house and I'm hungry and lonesome and there's no one there to hear my various witty remarks!
Marge: What about the gun?
Homer: It's gone for good, Marge. I finally realized, what's the point of having a gun for protection, if you've got no one to protect?
Marge: Oh, Homey...
[she and Homer hug]
Marge: Come on, kids, we're going home!

Marge: How did you know we were being robbed?
Lenny: The clerk here pressed the silent alarm, and we picked it up on our scanners.
Lisa: Did anyone stop that robber?
Moe: No, I don't think so.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Sax (#9.3)" (1997)
Man in "Twin Peaks": That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks. And damn good cherry pie.
[on TV we see The Giant dancing with a white horse, as a traffic light hangs from a nearby tree]
Homer Simpson: Brilliant.
[chuckles]
Homer Simpson: I have absolutley no idea what's going on.
Marge Simpson: Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did!
[presents Homer with a very morbid drawing]
Homer Simpson: [faking excitement, watching TV] Oh, it's beautiful! Oh, oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge!
Marge Simpson: Homer, stop. Will you please look at the drawing?
Homer Simpson: Oh, all right. What...
[looks at drawing]
Homer Simpson: ...AAAH! Burn it! Send it to hell!
Marge Simpson: I think we're going to have to get Bart some help.
Homer Simpson: [cringing] Get it away!

[to the tune of the "All in the Family" theme song]
Homer Simpson: Bart was feeling mighty blue,
Marge Simpson: It's asham what school can do,
Apu: For no reason here's Apu,
Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Apu: Those were the days!

Homer Simpson: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played...
Marge: Movies John Travolta made...
Homer Simpson: Guessing how much Elvis weighed...
Homer Simpson, Marge: Those were the days!
Marge: And you knew where you were then...
Homer Simpson: Watching shows like Gentle Ben...
Homer Simpson, Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!
Homer Simpson: Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac...
Marge: Coming out of my eight-track...
Homer Simpson, Marge: Michael Jackson still was black... those were the days!
[later on in episode]
Homer Simpson: Bart was feeling might blue...
Marge: It's a shame what school can do...
Apu: For no reason here's Apu!
Homer Simpson, Marge, Apu: Those were the days!

[meeting with Homer and Marge about Bart's problems in kindergarten]
Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Public school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.
Marge Simpson: Bart's gay?
Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Bart?
[looks at the file]
Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Ah, whoo, wrong file.
[puts the file, labeled "Milhouse Van Houten," back]

Marge: There must be something we can do to encourage Lisa's gift. An art class. Ballet lessons. They have fun things to do at the museum on Saturday.
Homer: Whoa, whoa, Marge. I'm not spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless... museums don't have foosball do they?
[in Homer's mind, he's playing against the Statue of David and wins]
Homer: You lose, Michaelangelo's David! Who's next?
The Scream: [Edvard Munch's The Scream runs out] MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Homer Simpson: Our family was suffering its worst crisis ever. Bart was miserable at school, and Lisa's gifts were going to waste.
Bart Simpson: Uh, Homer, its five years later and I'm still miserable at school.
Lisa Simpson: And my gifts are still going to waste!
Marge Simpson: And sometimes I just feel so smothered by this family I just want to scream till my lungs explode!

Marge Simpson: And so, just as things looked their worst...
Grampa Simpson: I realized I could make money selling my medication to dead-heads!
Marge Simpson: Grandpa, what are you talking about?
Grampa Simpson: Ohh... nothing.

Marge Simpson: Well, Grandpa, as long as you're here, we were telling a story that took place when Bart was five, and Lisa was three.
Grampa Simpson: Oh, I know this story! The year was nineteen-ought-six. The President is the divine Miss Sarah Burnheart. And all over America, people were doin' a dance called the "Funky Grandpa"!
[sings]
Grampa Simpson: Oh... I'm... the...
[falls asleep standing up]

Marge: You know, Homer, there's $200 in the air conditioning account.
Homer: Oh Marge! Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig?
Bart: Not to mention eating like a pig and dressing like a pig.
Apu: Don't forget the smell.
Homer: Will you get off of my lawn?
Apu: Why don't you make me?
Homer: Why, you...! Oh, forget it.


"The Simpsons: Realty Bites (#9.9)" (1997)
[first lines]
Homer Simpson: [lounging on the couch in his pajamas, drinking beer] Ah. I love these lazy Saturdays.
Marge Simpson: It's Wednesday, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Ahh! Work!
[he quickly runs off]

[singing to the tune of "Camptown Races"]
Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: On the closing day / the escrow agents pay / taxes, liens and interest too / thanks to Fanny Mae.
Bart Simpson: [finishes the song] They back your baaaaank!
Homer Simpson: You're all nuts.

Marge Simpson: I'm not getting back in this car until you drive like a sane person!
Homer Simpson: [speeds off] Okaybyeloveya!

Homer Simpson: [at a police seized-property auction] Wow, sweetheart, look at all this seized booty. We could find the drug boat of our dreams!
Marge Simpson: I don't want a drug boat.
Homer Simpson: Well, I bet there's drug dresses and drug vacuum cleaners too.

[about the murder house]
Marge Simpson: Oooh, I remember. Mrs. Astor was very lucky.

Marge Simpson: You bought a car without consulting me?
Homer Simpson: I don't remember being consulted when you bought that hat.
Marge Simpson: I found this hat!
Homer Simpson: Well then what are you complaining about? You got yours!

Marge Simpson: [after collecting her unemployment check] Three hundred dollars for doing nothing? I feel like such a crook!
George Bush: Don't worry! Gets easier every year!

[Marge is working at a real estate firm]
Lionel Hutz: I've been getting a lot of calls about you, Marge. People just love your no-pressure approach.
Marge: Well, you know what we say: the right house for the right person.
Lionel Hutz: I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The right house is the house that's for sale. And the right person is anyone.

[Marge gets her first unemployment check]
Marge: Three hundred dollars for doing nothing. I feel like such a crook.
George Bush: Don't worry, it gets easier every week.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
Bart Simpson: Paintings... lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell so scary and horrible and gruesome that...!
Marge Simpson: Bart! You should warn people that this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that old "War of the Worlds" broadcast on NPR, hmm?
Bart Simpson: Yes, Mother.

Lisa Simpson: Grampa's a vampire?
Bart Simpson: We're all vampires.
[Bart, Homer, Marge, and Maggie all float into the air, baring their fangs as Lisa backs away in horror]
Lisa Simpson: But... no! We killed Mr. Burns!
Homer Simpson: You have to kill the *head* vampire?
Lisa Simpson: [gasp] You're the head vampire?
Marge Simpson: No, *I'm* the head vampire!
[She laughs demonically]
Lisa Simpson: Mom?
Marge Simpson: [normal voice] Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.

Grampa Simpson: [runs into the room with a hammer and a wooden stake] Quick! We have to kill the boy!
Marge Simpson: How'd you know he was a vampire?
Grampa Simpson: He's a vampire? AHHH!
[runs off]

[Marge has to find seats for the Jury of the Damned]
Marge: I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs and this is the last one.
Blackbeard: Arrr! This chair be high, says I.

Marge: Wait! Before you send him to hell, there's something you should see. That's a photo of Homer and I at our wedding.
Richard Nixon: Wait a minute. You got married in an emergency room?
Marge: Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding.
[the Jury of the Damned all laugh]
Marge: Read the back, the back.
Blackbeard: Arrr! 'Tis some sort of treasure map.
Benedict Arnold: [snatches it away] You idiot, you can't read!
Blackbeard: Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'.

Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan.

Marge Simpson: [Homer's Head is turned into a huge donut, and is eating it] Homer, stop picking at it.
Homer Simpson: But, I'm so sweet and tasty.
[Looks at his watch]
Homer Simpson: Well, time to go to work.
Lisa Simpson: [Getting in Homer's way] No dad. I wouln't go outside if I were you.
Chief Wiggum: [With the rest of Springfield's police force waiting outside of the Simpson's home with their coffee mugs] Don't worry, boys, he's gotta come outta there sometime.

Lionel Hutz: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
Marge: But we did win.
Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IX (#10.4)" (1998)
Marge Simpson: [after the aliens left] Suckers!
Homer Simpson: [to Maggie] Come on Maggie. Let's go home.
Maggie: [removes pacifier] Very well, I'll drive!
[laughs]
Maggie: I need blood.

[Homer is dressed in tattered clothes, and eating beans from a can]
Marge Simpson: Oh, Homer you're not going as a hobo again?
Homer Simpson: Going where?

Marge Simpson: Wow! If your fly weren't open, you'd look just like Roger Moore!

Marge Simpson: [as the Jerry Springer show goes to commercial] I am so
[Bleep]
Marge Simpson: embarrassed!

Marge Simpson: I can't believe it. Jerry Springer couldn't solve our problem.
Lisa Simpson: And now he's dead.

Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
Homer: You intergalactic hussy.
[cries]
Homer: Was he better than me?

Scratchy: Hey you're beautiful.
Marge: Aww. Look who's found a new love. That means you'll have to be neutered.
Scratchy: [grabbing himself] NOOOOOOO!


"The Simpsons: Lisa's First Word (#4.10)" (1992)
Marge: Homer, I think the baby's coming.
Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?

Marge: I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Marge: Says here that Bart might get jealous of the baby.
Homer: Yeah, well Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt.

Marge: Oh Maggie, when are you going to talk?
Lisa Simpson: Well, don't push her. Remember, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer: [thinking] What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
[outloud]
Homer: Takes one to know one.
[thinking]
Homer: Swish!

Marge: We saved the newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa Simpson: [reading] Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef.
Bart: Where's the beef? What the hell does that mean?
Homer: [laughing] Where's the beef. No wonder he won Minnesota.

Bart: Can you say "Get bent"?
Marge: Bart!
Bart: Mister Rogers says it all the time.

Marge: Meet your little sister, Lisa.
Bart: I hate you.


"The Simpsons: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire (#1.1)" (1989)
Marge: Okay, Kids, give me your letters and I'll mail them to Santa at the North Pole.
Bart: Oh please, there's only one fat guy who brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.

[listening to Bart's class sing "Jingle Bells"]
Marge: Oh, listen to Bart. Doesn't he sound like a little angel?
Bart: Oh, Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke it's wheel, and the Joker got aw...
[Skinner yanks him out of the choir]
Homer: D'oh!

Marge: This is the best gift of all, Homer.
Homer: It is?
Marge: Yes, something to share our love. And to frighten prowlers.

Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
Homer: Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it our of your own allowance.
Bart: All right!
Marge: Homer!

Bart: Cool.
[Bart daydreams about the mother tattoo on his arm. Marge is flattered and pleased]
Marge: Aww Bart, that's the sweetest gift a mother could ever have. It makes you look so dangerous too.

Marge: Dear friends of the Simpson family, we had some sadness and some gladness this year. First the sadness, our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to kitty heaven but we bought a new little cat Snowball 2 so I guess life goes on. Speaking of life going on Grampa is still with us feisty as ever, Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's,and Bart... well we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all.

[Final lines]
All: [singing] Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer / Had a very shiny nose / And if you ever saw it / You might even say it glows...
Bart: Like a lightbulb!
Homer: Bart!
All: All of the other reindeer / Used to laugh and call him names...
Lisa Simpson: Like Schnozzola!
Homer: Lisa!
All: They never let poor Rudolph / Play in any reindeer games...
Bart: Like strip poker!
Homer: I'm warning you two...
Marge: Then one foggy Christmas eve / Santa came to call... Take it, Homey!
Homer: Uh, Rudolph get your nose over here / I'll let you guide my sleigh today!
All: How all the reindeer loved him / As they shouted out with glee / Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer / You'll go down in history!
Bart: Like Atilla the Hu...
[choking noises]
Homer: Why you little!


"The Simpsons: Natural Born Kissers (#9.25)" (1998)
Carl Carlson: How d'you do ma'am?
Lenny Leonard: Hope this evening finds you well.
Marge Simpson: Oh, knock it off, you perverts!

Marge Simpson: When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to buy a refridgerator motor?
Homer Simpson: Eh, I never thought I'd live this long.

Marge Simpson: We drank so much, that night!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit.
[laughs]
Marge Simpson: [laughs uneasily] Yeah...
Homer Simpson: Well, this time I'm drunk on love... and beer.

Marge Simpson: Oh, this is so naughty. Coming back to our old love-nest.
Homer Simpson: It hasn't changed since that magical evening when I knocked you up.

Homer Simpson: Hey, look what was in here! A program from that guy's funeral.
Marge Simpson: You mean Frank Grimes?
Homer Simpson: Yeah! Yeah! Whatever happened to that guy?

Bart Simpson: You guys are sick.
[Bart and Lisa leave]
Marge Simpson: You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?
Homer Simpson: I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong!

Marge Simpson: Kids, I want to explain about the stadium. You see, sometimes, Moms and Dads get a little accustomed to each other.
Homer Simpson: Dads especially.


"The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy Land (#6.4)" (1994)
Homer: Wow, it *is* the seventies, right down to the smallest detail.
Marge: Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta.
John Travolta: Yeah, *looks* like...

Park Manager: There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned with violence as you are. That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem, so that we may educate as well as horrify.
Marge: When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably.
Park Manager: Just like in real life.

[at Itchy & Scratchy Land]
Park Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested.
Woman: I'd be terribly embarrassed if I was that boy's mother.
Marge: Mmmmm...
Park Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
Marge: Mmmmmmm...

Marge: I have nothing to say to you.
Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner.
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?

Bart: Mom, guess what!
Lisa Simpson: We're going to Itchy & Scratchy Land!
Marge: No. I've already planned our vacation for this year. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.
[Bart and Lisa stare, horrified]
Marge: It's shaped like a diner! And it's on this really tall pole.

Homer: Okay, let's make a pact. This is gonna be the best vacation ever or we're all agreed to disband and join other families.
Marge, Bart, Lisa Simpson: Agreed.

Marge: It must be wonderful to have new years over and over again.
Marge: Please kill me.


"The Simpsons: And Maggie Makes Three (#6.13)" (1995)
Marge Simpson: You promised one hour of family time per week. Besides, that back-talking boat sets a bad example.
Bart: Says you, woman.

Bart: Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl?
Homer: Oh, just that one time.
Marge Simpson: Actually, when I was about to have Bart...
[cut to Marge telling Homer]
Homer: You're pregnant?
[shrieks, points at Marge's stomach, rips out most of his hair, and runs up to the bedroom, still shreiking]
Marge Simpson: And then, when I told him about Lisa...
[cut to Marge telling Homer with Bart watching]
Homer: You're pregnant again?
[repeats the act, except ripping all of his hair out before running upstairs]

Homer: Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya!
[He lets out a scream as his head swells like a balloon and then pops. Cut to the present]
Marge Simpson: Bart, let your father tell the story!
Homer: Yeah!
Bart: Okay, but I know funny.

[Homer is trying to think of a way to increase business at the bowling alley]
Homer: Of course!
[Cut to outside the bowling alley, Homer is firing a shotgun into the air while people around him run away, screaming]
Homer: Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!
Lisa Simpson: [in the present] Mom, make Dad tell the story right!
Marge Simpson: That's what really happened.
Lisa Simpson: Oh.

[while Marge is in labor, Homer can only be depressed about the financial costs and having to take back his job at the nuclear plant]
Homer: [feigning happiness] It's wonderful, it's magical, oh boy, here it comes, another mouth.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: One more push ought to do it.
Homer: Marvelous.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson. You have a beautiful, healthy, baby.
Homer: Okay.
[He half-heartedly raises a thumbs-up - and Maggie wraps her tiny hand around his thumb]
Homer: Huh?
[He looks at her]
Marge Simpson: Homie, she's saying hello.
Homer: [gazing adoringly at Maggie] Hello!

[Homer returns to the flashback after interrupting Bart's humorous re-telling; a headless Homer is moaning at Marge]
Homer: Oh, we're doomed!
Marge Simpson: [voice-over] Homer, you had a head.
Homer: [voice-over] Check.
[in the flashback, Homer's head pops back]

[Marge and the kids say "eww" as Homer mimes sperm impregnating an egg]
Marge Simpson: Do you have to be so graphic?
Homer: Relax, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.


"The Simpsons: Dangers on a Train (#24.22)" (2013)
Marge Simpson: I just gave all my personal information to this website!
Selma Bouvier: Now you're gonna be hit on by every loser in town.
Patty Bouvier: And this town has losers like Mexico has headless corpses.

Marge Simpson: He can't remember our wedding anniversary, but he remembers how many pork chops are on the freezer.
Homer Simpson: [Taking a pork chop from the freezer] Currently, zero.

Marge Simpson: I bet Homer is in that bar getting hammered.
[Cut to Homer at Moe's working on the train; Barney accidentally hits his thumb with a hammer]
Homer Simpson: Ow! All worth it for Marge.

Homer Simpson: I've been working on the railroad, all the live-long day...
Marge Simpson: Why are you singing that song?
Homer Simpson: Because it's on the public domain?

Bart Simpson: Mom! Lisa made me break that lamp!
Lisa Simpson: Mom! Bart is twisting the truth in an Orwellian fashion!
Marge Simpson: Can't I go a whole day without you two tattling on each other or using obscure references?
Lisa Simpson: Orwell, obscure? The author of Animal Farm?
Bart Simpson: Grampa said he was a Commie.
Marge Simpson: No tattling!

Ramona: So you're the maneater Hall and Oates warned us about?
Homer Simpson: Hall and Oates? What's going on here?
Ramona: Your wife and my husband have been watching British television together.
Homer Simpson: [Grabs Ben by the lapels] Serious drama or naughty comedy?
Marge Simpson: Drama! Drama!
Homer Simpson: You just dodged a bullet, sugar lips.

[first lines]
Marge Simpson: Our first year as a married couple and we're still in love.
Homer Simpson: In your face, those who said we couldn't last a year!
Grampa: I stand by my wedding toast!


"The Simpsons: A Streetcar Named Marge (#4.2)" (1992)
Ms. Sinclair: Mrs. Simpson... do you know what a child is saying when it's reaching for the bottle?
Marge: ...Baba?
Ms. Sinclair: She's saying "I am a leech!"

Homer Simpson: I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.
Marge Simpson: What kooky projects?
Homer Simpson: You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing.

[Marge is rehearsing the musical of A Streetcar Named Desire]
Homer: Marge, your ride is here!
Marge: Homer, it'll just be a few minutes more!
Ned Flanders: You're a dame and I'm a fella!
Marge: Stanley stop, or I'll tell Stella!
Llewellyn Sinclair: Marge, Marge! I am asking you for white hot rage, and you're giving me a hissy fit!
Homer: Marge, can I have some change for the candy machine?
Llewellyn Sinclair: [throwing a load of change on the floor] Oh, HERE!
Homer: Hey, there's some quarters in here!

[after Llewellyn introduces himself]
Marge: Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic!

Bart: Are there any Jive-Talking Robots in this play?
Marge: I don't think so.
Homer: Bart, don't ask stupid questions. Is there any frontal nudity?
Marge: No, Homer.

Marge: I haven't been in a play since high school, and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults.
Homer Simpson: Sounds interesting.
Marge: You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie, and sometimes it's like I don't even exist.
Homer Simpson: Sounds interesting.

Helen: My name is Helen Lovejoy and I'll be playing Stella.
Apu: I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I play Steve.
Otto: My name is Otto. I'm playing Pablo.
Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch.
Marge: I'm Marge Simpson, I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.
[Sinclair takes one and eats it]
Sinclair: Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality?
Chief Wiggum: I would.


"The Simpsons: Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo (#10.23)" (1999)
Homer Simpson: If we want to see Japanese people, we can just go to the zoo.
Marge Simpson: [mortified] Homer!
Homer Simpson: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese... his name is Takashi... he's in my book club.

Lisa Simpson: Now, can we do something that is Japanese?
Marge Simpson: Oh, I know that you wanna visit Japan, honey but we're down to our million yen
[pulls a yen bill out of her hair]
Homer Simpson: Here
[Takes the yen bill and makes an origami craine]
Homer Simpson: It's a craine they say it brings luck.
Marge Simpson: Careful Homer, we need that money to get home.
[Then the wind picks up and blows the bill away]
Homer Simpson: [In Japanese] D'oh!

Marge Simpson: You liked "Rashomon".
Homer Simpson: That's not how I remember it.

Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo.
Marge: Homer.
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

Marge: Every truckload of fish we gut brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home.
Bart: And I think I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do
[guts some fishes]
Bart: knife goes in, guts come out, knife goes in, guts come out
[pulls out a talking fish]
Fish: Spare my life and I will grant you three...
Bart: [guts the talking fish] Knife goes in, guts come out.

Marge: Ooh. I never knew Jim Belushi made so many movies.
Homer: Yeah, isn't it amazing? They're filming one right now in the bathroom. It's gonna be on towards the end of the flight.
[a camera crew films Jim Belushi walking down the aisle]
Belushi: Toga. Toga. Toga 2000.
Homer: Marge. They stole my idea.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
Homer Simpson: [chops down a door a la The Shining] Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
[there's no one in the room]
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[chops down another door]
Homer Simpson: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavid Letterman!
Grandpa Simpson: Hi, David, I'm Grampa.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[chops down another door and holds a stopwatch]
Homer Simpson: I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!
Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Homer Simpson: Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and no beer make Homer something, something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer Simpson: Don't mind if I do!
[goes crazy]

[Marge drags an unconscious Homer into the cellar]
Marge Simpson: You stay here until you're no longer insane!
[turns to the shelves]
Marge Simpson: Hmm, chili would be good tonight.

[Marge enters a large room, with a typewriter in the middle]
Marge Simpson: Homer? Homer?
[sees the typewriter]
Marge Simpson: What he's typed will be a window into his madness.
[approaches the typewriter and reads:]
Marge Simpson: "Feelin' fine." Well, that's a relief.
[Lightning flashes and illuminates the room, showing "NO TV AND NO BEER MAKE HOMER GO CRAZY" scrawled again and again all over the walls in wild letters]
Marge Simpson: Mmm... this is less encouraging.

Marge: [Bart awakens from a nightmare] Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back home with your family now, where there's nothing to be afraid of... except that fog that turns people inside out.
Bart: Huh?
Homer: [the fog starts coming in] Uh-oh, it's seeping in. STUPID CHEAP WEATHER STRIPPING!
[everyone screams as the fog turns them inside out; then they stop screaming, looking at each other. Music plays, and they start dancing and singing]
Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa: One chorus line of people, dancing till they make us stop!
Groundskeeper Willie: [Willy, also turned inside out, jumps on stage] Too...!
Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa, Groundskeeper Willie: Many dancing people, covered in blood, gore, and glop!/Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out!/It's worse than that flesh-eating virus you've read about!/Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in, the family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine!/Happy Halloween!

Marge: [on radio] Husband on murderous rampage. Send help. Over.
Chief Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little bit.


"The Simpsons: The Mansion Family (#11.12)" (2000)
Marge Simpson: This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joe's. Hmm, I know what the other eleven forks are for, but what do you do with this one?
Homer Simpson: Why Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it.

[the Simpsons are housesitting at Mr. Burns' mansion. They are eating dinner at Mr. Burns' oversized dinner table]
Marge: This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes. I know what the other 12 forks are for, but I don't know what to do with this one.
Homer: Why Marge my dear, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it.
Marge: Homer!
[scratches rear with fork]
Marge: Ooh...

[the Simpsons are housesitting at Mr. Burns' mansion. They are eating dinner at Mr. Burns' oversized dinner table]
Marge: This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes. I know what the other eleven forks are for, but what do you do with this one?
Homer: [speaking as a snob] Why Marge, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it.
Marge: Homer, watch your lang...
[scratches rear with fork]
Marge: Ooh... that's a lifesaver!

Mr. Burns: If the house catches fire, call this number.
Marge: Uh-huh. The fire department.
Mr. Burns: Yes. They're new. But they're good.

Marge: Homer, did you jimmy open Mr. Burns' liquor cabinet?
Homer: Ooh "Jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge. Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits.

Marge Simpson: Stop that! Cigars are for rich people and legendary comedians like Bill Crosby and David Letterson


"The Simpsons: Homer to the Max (#10.13)" (1999)
Marge Simpson: [after seeing a TV show wherein a character has the same name as Homer] It was all a coincidence... like that guy named Anthony Michael Hall that stole your stereo.
Bart Simpson: [sarcastic] Yeah... coincidence.

Marge Simpson: [Homer has legally changed his name to "Max Power"] But I fell in love with Homer Simpson! I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.
Max Power: Nobody *snuggles* with Max Power, Marge. You strap yourself in and feel the Gs.

Max Power: Marge! President Clinton.
Marge Simpson: Oh, my Lord! I feel like Cinderella.
Max Power: Me too. Let's sing the Cinderella song.

Marge Simpson: Your character provides the comic relief! Like, oh... Marlon Brando in "Apocalypse Now".

Homer Simpson: Oh, I almost forgot. While I was at the court house, I had them change your name.
Marge Simpson: To what?
Homer Simpson: Chesty La Rue.
Marge Simpson: Chesty La Rue?
Homer Simpson: Just try it for two weeks. If you don't like it, you can be Busty St. Claire.
Marge Simpson: I don't want to be Chesty La Rue or Busty St. Claire.
Homer Simpson: Fine. Hooty McBoob it is.
Marge Simpson: Good night, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Good night, Hooty.
Marge Simpson: Let go of those.

Marge Simpson: Look at this place. The house number is spelled out with letters.
Max Power: Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.


"The Simpsons: The War of the Simpsons (#2.20)" (1991)
[Homer lies in a drunken heap]
Marge: I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
Homer: Why, what did you do?

Marge: Homer, I thought our marriage could survive anything, and that there was no line you could cross that could make me stop loving you. But last night, you not only crossed the line, you threw up on it!

[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party]
Julius Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, Doctor.
Julius Hibbert: Remember, I said "if."

[Marge and Homer have an argument in the car. Marge turns on the radio]
Marge: When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting!
[Bart, Lisa and Maggie watch from the house]
Bart: They're fighting in the car again.
Lisa Simpson: That music always sends a chill down my spine.

Marge: [about Homer] He's so self-centered! He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, both religious and secular. He chews with his mouth open. He gambles. He hangs out in a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes!
Homer: [covers his face] Oh, it's all true!
Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, don't interrupt.
Homer: Sorry.
Marge: He blows his nose on the towels and puts them back in the middle!
Homer: I only did that a couple of times!

[reaching the end of her list of Homer's flaws]
Marge: He drinks out of the carton. He never changes the baby. When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises. When he wakes up, he makes honking noises. Oh, oh, and he scratches himself with his keys. I guess that's it... Oh, no, wait. He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are too long, and yellow.


"The Simpsons: Half-Decent Proposal (#13.10)" (2002)
Marge Simpson: I haven't lost so much sleep since little Barty had the scoots.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, there's a surgical option, but it's not cheap.
[Writes something on a slip of paper, and slides it across his desk to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Here's what it costs.
Homer Simpson: [Reads paper] Interesting. Here's my counter-offer.
[Writes something on the paper and gives it back to Hibbert]
Dr. Hibbert: [Reads. The note says, "Do it for free"]
[Chuckles, then turns very serious]
Dr. Hibbert: Get out.

Patty: Overnight bag, no husband in sight - it's happened!
Selma: She left Homer? I'll get the champale!
Patty: And let's get that ring off!
Marge Simpson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Delilah! I didn't leave Homer, and I never will. I just need one night away from his snoring.
Selma: Great - we'll have a girls' night.
Patty: No bras!

Selma: Let's catch the tail end of Nookie in New York.
Marge Simpson: Nookie in New York?
Patty: It's a cable show about four single women who act like gay men.
Marge Simpson: That sounds great!
Miranda: [Marge, Patty and Selma turn on "Nookie in New York"] If I'm not having sex by the end of this goat-cheese quesadilla, I'm going to scream.
Charlotte: I also enjoy sex.
Samantha: Since this morning, I've had sex with a New York Knick, two subway cops, and a guy who works on Wall Street.
Charlotte: Broker?
Carrie: Nah. She's just really sore.
[They all laugh]
Patty: [Back in the apartment] This is so like our lives.
Selma: It's like they hid a camera in our apartment.

Marge Simpson: I knew this weekend was just an excuse to get in my mouth! Keep your money - I'm going home!

Cab Driver: That's nine hundred and twelve dollars.
Marge Simpson: Send the bill to Baron von Kiss-a-lot.
Cab Driver: No problem-o.
[He drives away]
Butler: [the scene cuts to a shot of a Bavarian castle, and then to an aristocratic drawing room. A butler approaches a man seated by a fireplace] This just arrived, Herr Baron.
[Hands him the taxi bill, which he reads]
Baron: [In German accent] Okay, who's the wise guy?

Marge: Homer, we can't take his money.
Homer: Aww, I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work for my money. Why don't I just lay down and die.


"The Simpsons: Homer Scissorhands (#22.20)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: One hundred dollars? Marge, how much is that in smackeroos?
Marge Simpson: A hundred.
Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

Marge Simpson: Well, Newsweek says it's good to change careers, right after they laid off all their editors.

Marge Simpson: Oh, Homer, you make my toes curl. You really know how to please a woman.
Homer Simpson: As long as I don't have to lose weight or change my pants.

Marge Simpson: Homer, thanks to your unlicensed barbery, Patty and Selma have been getting compliments all day at the DMV.
Abraham Simpson: You two look good. Open-casket good!

Homer Simpson: [Gasp] A hundred dollars! Marge, how much is that in smackeroos?
Marge Simpson: A hundred.
Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

Marge Simpson: Homie, you sure know how to please a woman.
Homer Simpson: As long as it doesn't involve losing weight or changing my pants.


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 1 (#6.25)" (1995)
Mr. Burns: Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about?
[pause, then a gasp]
Mr. Burns: I see. I think you'd better drop it. I said... drop it!
[grunts of a struggle]
Mr. Burns: Get... your... hands... off!
Marge Simpson: Where is everyone?
[gunshot]

Marge Simpson: I must say, Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate - selfish, even.
Bart Simpson: Burns needs some serious boostafazoo, right Dad?... Dad?... Homer!
Lisa Simpson: [Bart pulls paper away to reveal Abe]
[Abe, Bart Lisa all scream]
Lisa Simpson: Sorry, Grampa. It's just that for a second it looked like Dad had melted.
Abe Simpson: Well, get used to it, 'cause I'm living here now. I ain't going back to the retirement home until they fish my bed out of that sinkhole.

Marge Simpson: Strained carrots for Maggie, strained carrots for Grampa.
Abe Simpson: [Whining] I want a bib too!

Abe Simpson: [Bart finds Grampa's gun] That's my old Smith and Wesson. If you're gonna play with it, be careful, 'cause its loaded.
Marge Simpson: [Walking in] Argh! Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house.
Abe Simpson: [Marge takes the gun away] How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through that door?
Marge Simpson: I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it.
[Walks out]
Abe Simpson: Geesh! You should have fired into the air. She would have run off!

Moe Szyslak: I lost my bar!
Barney Gumble: I lost his bar!
Lisa Simpson: He robbed the school of music!
Principal Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito!
Homer: He can't remember my name!
Marge Simpson: He's causing us all to yell!
[Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]
Bart Simpson: Look what he did to my best friend!
[Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies]
Bart Simpson: No, my dog!
[Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?

[last lines of the episode as the Springfieldians gather to see Mr. Burns laid out on the sundial]
Patty Bouvier: Mr. Burns has been shot.
Chief Wiggum: Just a minute! This isn't Mr. Burns at all! It's a mask!
[Wiggum pulls on Burns' face]
Chief Wiggum: Wait, it is Burns.
[chuckles]
Chief Wiggum: His wrinkly skin looks like a mask.
Marge Simpson: I don't think we'll ever know who did this. Everyone in town is a suspect.
[the camera pans across the Springfieldians and stops on Dr. Hibbert, who chuckles]
Doctor Hibbert: Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?
[Hibbert points to the camera which pulls back to reveal that he's pointing to Wiggum]
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?
[to be continued... ]


"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: Hey, Flanders, you're the worst coach this team has ever had!
Marge Simpson: He's the only coach this team has ever had. And the season hasn't even started yet.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, well, he's... wearing that hat like an idiot.
Marge Simpson: You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize.
Homer Simpson: Fun too.

Marge Simpson: Look. I want a cup.
Sportacus Clerk: Cup. Could you spell that?
Marge Simpson: C-U-P. I wanna C-U... Oh, my God!

Marge Simpson: Wow, Homer coaching in the championship game! You must be pretty proud of your son!
Grampa Simpson: You'd think so, wouldn't you?
[falls asleep]

Marge Simpson: You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize.
Homer Simpson: Fun, too.

Marge Simpson: Now, make no mistake. When I say "first aid" I'm not talking about some sort of... charity rock concert.
[laughs at her own joke]
Marge Simpson: I'm talking about treating serious injuries!
[the crowd laughs loudly]
Krusty: Serious injuries!
[writes it down]
Krusty: Ooh, that's gold!

Bart Simpson: Okay, Milhouse, let's try out the new cup.
Milhouse Van Houten: [kicks Bart in the groin]
Bart Simpson: Again!
Milhouse Van Houten: [kicks Bart in the groin again]
Bart Simpson: [yawns]
Milhouse Van Houten: [kicks Bart in the groin again and again]
Marge Simpson: Milhouse, stop that!


The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, I'm so proud of you for stopping the alien invasion.
Homer Simpson: Did that really happen? I thought it was a bad dream from eating too many raw hot dogs.
Marge Simpson: No, Homey! You're the town hero!
Homer Simpson: Really? And what about the ninja babysitters? Was that real or a hot dog dream?
Lisa Simpson: Hot dog dream.

Marge Simpson: Homey, you're late for work, and today's your workplace evaluation with Mr. Smithers!
Homer Simpson: Ahh! He'll find my scorpion farm, then where will my scorpions live?

Marge Simpson: If only kids would play more video games about sharing.

Marge Simpson: [At the Phone booth calling for a vehicle] Sexy mommy needs a ride!

Marge Simpson: [after destroying something in vehicle] Send the bill to Homer!

Marge Simpson: [while driving] Look! No hands!


"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly," and the word "dog" with "son."

Apu: The aspirin is $24.95.
Marge: $24.95?
Apu: I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.

Lisa Simpson: [from another room] Mom, can you bring me more O.J.?
Bart Simpson: [from another room] Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphines?
Marge: There's no such thing.
Homer: [from another room] Marge, the boy's wasting valuable time. Come change the channel and pat my head.
Marge: In a minute!
Homer: But I'll miss Sheriff Lobo!
Grampa: And get me a bottle of bourbon.
Marge: Grampa, you know you can't have liquids after 3pm.
Grampa: You can stir it into my mush. Either way, just gimme, gimme, gimme!

Lionel Hutz: Hiring me as your attorney, you'll also recieve this free smoking monkey.
[places a toy monkey with a cigarette in it's mouth on the desk]
Marge: Mr Hutz.
Lionel Hutz: Look... he's taking another puff!

Marge: So how are things at home?
Bart Simpson: We flushed the gator down the toilet, but it got stuck halfway and now we have to feed it.
[cuts to Grandpa fighting the gator with a toilet plunger]
Grampa: I'll bet you want a piece of me. Well you ain't gonna get it, see!
[as he laughs, his false teeth fall out into the aligator's mouth who bites down and breaks the teeth]
Grampa: [mumbling] Nurse! God darn it.


"The Simpsons: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge (#11.21)" (2000)
Marge: I thought you said the law was powerless.
Chief Wiggum: Powerless to *help* you, not punish you.

[Otto left his fiancee at the altar because of Marge]
Bart: Say, I got an idea. Why don't you stay with us?
Marge: Bart, remember that talk we had about inviting people to stay with us without asking?
Homer: Marge, remember that talk we had about ruining peoples' weddings?

Marge: Who cut my brakes?
Homer: Oh, yeah. When I was fixing your car, I kinda spilled all your brake liquid. I didn't want to tell you, 'cause I thought you'd get mad.

Psychologist #2: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Marge: Oh, I was just praying to God that you'll find me sane.
Psychologist #2: I see. And this "God", is he in this room right now?
Marge: Oh, yes, he's kind of everywhere.
Psychologist #1: Marge Simpson, you give us no choice but to declare you utterly...
Marge: I'm not insane!
Psychologist #1: You didn't let me finish. - insane!
Marge: [jumps out the window in panic then gets up like nothing happened] I'm not insane.

Marge: This isn't over, Becky! I know where you live! My house!


"The Simpsons: Dog of Death (#3.19)" (1992)
Bart: We're just gonna let him die?
Marge: Bart, I know you're upset...
Bart: Darn right I'm upset!
Marge: Bart, watch your language! Oh... you did.

[after Santa's Little Helper disappears]
Homer: There's his leash, there's his water dish, and there's the spot where he took a whiz on the rug!
[cries]
Marge: Homer, get a-hold of yourself! Remember, Doggy Heaven!
Homer: Oh, Marge! There's no such place! I made it all up!
[Marge clears throat]
Homer: Or to put it another way... there... is.

[Santa's Little Helper is missing - Lisa wants to make a poster]
Lisa: Don't we have any pictures of Santa's Little Helper?
Marge: None that I would want the public to see.

[Homer is reading a book called "Canine Surgery."]
Marge: No!
Homer: What?
Marge: You are not going to perform that operation yourself!
Homer: But, Marge, it looks so easy! Like carving a turkey...
[flashes back to last Thanksgiving, him wielding the electric carver]
Homer: ... Maybe you're right.

Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: A dinosaur.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XX (#21.4)" (2009)
Marge Simpson: Let us in. We have the chosen one.
Soldier: Welcome, son. To survive, all we must do is eat your flesh.
Marge Simpson: Hold it right there, bub. What kind of civilized people eat the body and blood of their saviour?

Marge Simpson: [Dracula, the Mummy, Frankenstein's monster and the Wolfman are at the door] Friends of Homer's?
Homer Simpson: They're not my friends.
Count Dracula: We brought a bottle of booze. Booooze!
Homer Simpson: Come in, come in.

Homer Simpson: To the panic room!
Marge Simpson: We don't have a panic room!
Homer Simpson: To the panic room store!

Marge Simpson: I can't shoot her. She's Lisa's godmother.
Apu: You can apologize to her in hell.
Marge Simpson: I guess I could.

Marge Simpson: Does this mean you still love me?
Homer Simpson: Of course I do. Can you still love a man who's half beer?
Marge Simpson: I always have.


"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)
Marge: [looking at Bart's collection of death threats] Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting.
Homer Simpson: Oh, uh, I wrote that one, after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.
[Homer drops his pants, revealing a "wide load" tattoo on his rear end. Everyone laughs]
Nelson: [outside the window] Ha ha!
Bart: But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis The Menace.
Homer Simpson: It's probably the person you least suspect.
Lisa: That's good, Dad.
Grampa: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit! It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George Guberlindsey.
Bart: Grandpa, Matlock's not real.
Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son!
Sideshow Bob: [menacing] Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right! Stay away... FOREVER!
Homer: Oh, no!
Sideshow Bob: Wait a minute. That's no good.
[walks away, then runs back]
Sideshow Bob: Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.
Marge: No!

[getting death threat letters has made Bart paranoid on his way to school]
Marge: [menacingly, with large scissors] Bart... I'm going to GET you...
[brightly, clipping coupons]
Marge: ...some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola.
[Bart walks down the street]
Ned Flanders: [menacingly, wearing a Freddy Kruger razor glove] Say your prayers, Simpson...
[brightly]
Ned Flanders: ...because the schools can't force you like they should.
[to Maude]
Ned Flanders: Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.
[Bart enters class]
Mrs. Krabappel: [menacingly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...
[brightly]
Mrs. Krabappel: ...in our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzy.
[Martin is wearing a dress and a wig, wielding an axe]
Martin Prince: Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart.

[Sideshow Bob ties up the rest of the Simpsons, then goes to Bart's room to kill him. All of the Simpsons struggle against their bonds except Homer, who is snoring and drooling on the deck]
Lisa: Oh, no! Dad's been drugged!
Marge: [annoyed] No, he hasn't.

[last lines]
Marge: [as the car pulls up in front of the house] It's so good to be home again.
Grampa Simpson: [who has somehow become a woman complete with long hair and lipstick, rushes towards the car] Look what happened without my pills!
Marge: [gasps] Bart! Run upstairs get Grampa's mecedine!
Jasper Beardly: [appears, dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
[Jasper takes his hat off and takes out a bunch of flowers and hands them to Abe]
Jasper Beardly: I wanna court this fair young maiden.
[the screen fades out in a heart shape and the credits roll]
Grampa Simpson: [to Jasper] There's something you should know about me.
Jasper Beardly: I've got Steve and Edie tickets.
Grampa Simpson: I'm all yours.
[Abe kisses Jasper]


"The Simpsons: Trash of the Titans (#9.22)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Good news, everyone! I got in a fight with the garbage men and they're cutting off our service!
Marge Simpson: Oh, lord, now what are we going to do? Just let the trash pile up?
Homer Simpson: Hey, I'd rather live in a dump than in a world run by snooty garbage men.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?
Homer Simpson: I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Marge Simpson: Homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile attacked me again.
Homer Simpson: That's not the way she tells it.

Marge Simpson: Homer, this has gone far enough. Will you please just apologize to the garbage men?
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, Dad. You're always telling me and Bart to apologize.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, but I'm always secretly disappointed when you do. Anyway, I think those garbage men are starting to crack.
Bart Simpson: I think you're starting to crack.
Homer Simpson: Apologize for that remark!
Bart Simpson: No way!
Homer Simpson: Atta-boy!

Costingtons Manager: Okay, people, we need to cook up a new holiday for the summer. Something with gifts, cards, assorted gougeables.
Costingtons Woman: How about something religious? We had great penetration last spring with Christmas Two.
Costingtons Man: Oh, I know. Spendover, like Passover, less talk, more presents.
[Everyone starts talking at once]
Costingtons Manager: No, no, no! No, it's gotta be warm and fuzzy. Some like, um, "Love Day", but not so lame.
[cut to the Simpsons home several days later]
Marge Simpson: Happy Love Day, everyone!
Lisa Simpson: Come on, Mom, The stores just invented this holiday to make money.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day.

Homer Simpson: [Trips over the rubbish bin] D'oh!
Marge Simpson: [Calling from upstairs] I heard that! You know the rule!
Homer Simpson: Oh, but I can rebuild.


"The Simpsons: Diatribe of a Mad Housewife (#15.10)" (2004)
[researching who shot JFK]
Homer Simpson: Marge, I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby.
Marge Simpson: Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I was so close.

Marge Simpson: When you write, you can let your imagination run wild.
[writing and reading aloud what she writes]
Marge Simpson: Temperance was doing the laundry.

Homer Simpson: You were gonna start a novel without informing me?
Marge Simpson: Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call!
Homer Simpson: I also fed some ducklings.
Marge Simpson: I know, I got your message.

Marge Simpson: Dr. Marvin Monroe! I haven't seen you in years!
Dr. Marvin Monroe: Oh! I've been very sick

Homer: I've got it! Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy to get the jack ruby.
Marge: Homer, Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.
Homer: Oh, back to square one.


"The Simpsons: The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson (#9.1)" (1997)
Bart Simpson: When I grow up, I wanna be in the Betty Ford Center.
Marge Simpson: You'd better start saving now, it's very expensive.
Lisa Simpson: Shh! They're strapping down Liza Minelli.

Marge: Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
Homer: You can sit there complaining, or you can knit me some seat belts.

Marge Simpson: Wow! I feel like such a nobody.

Lisa Simpson: [Upon seeing dead rabbits hanging in a store window] Mom, are those rabbits dead?
Marge: No, they're just, uh, sleeping. Upside down. And... inside out.

Marge: You know, when I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience!


"The Simpsons: Homerpalooza (#7.24)" (1996)
Homer: I was in a record store, and they were playing all these bands I'd never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy.
Marge: Record stores have always seemed crazy to me. Music is none of my business.
Homer: That's all well and good for you, but I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day... now I'm lucky to find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of this rut and back into the groove.

Marge: [Reading] Due to the unscheduled trip to the autowrecking yard the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. Note by reading this letter out loud you have waived any resposinbility on our part in perpituity throughout the known universe?
[Groaning]

Marge: [Reading] Due to the unscheduled trip to the autowrecking yard the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. Note by reading this letter out loud you have waived any responsibility on our part in perpituity throughout the known universe?
[Groaning]

Marge: [Reading] Due to the unscheduled trip to the autowrecking yard the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. Note by reading this letter out loud you have waived any responsibility on our part in perpetuity throughout the known universe?
[Groaning]

Marge: [reading] "Due to the unscheduled trip to the autowrecking yard the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. Note by reading this letter out loud you have waived any responsibility on our part in perpetuity throughout the known universe?"
[groaning]


"The Simpsons: The Real Housewives of Fat Tony (#22.19)" (2011)
[at Selma and Tony's wedding]
Homer Simpson: Yes! I am so happy I lived to see this day. He did give her the kiss of death, right?
Marge Simpson: No!
Homer Simpson: [disappointed groan] Aww! I decorated her car for nothing.
[cut to a car outside with banners reading "JUST MURDERED"]

Homer Simpson: Well, if it isn't Before and After. Blob and blob lite. Tweedle-yuck and Tweedle-yech.
Fat Tony: Ahem! Am I interrupting anything?
Homer Simpson: Fat Tony! I was just complimenting your beautiful wife while insulting her identical twin.
Marge Simpson: You'll have to excuse my husband. He says things without thinking first. And ten seconds later...
Homer Simpson: [scared] Oooh! My god!

Comic Book Guy: And how do you know the bride?
Marge Simpson: I'm her sister! And you?
Comic Book Guy: I bought her pool table on Craig's List. Consider yourself slighted.

Tooshie: You two look so pale. But don't worry. Every light here is a tanning light.
Marge Simpson: Can you read by them?
Tooshie: You know, no one's ever tried.

Homer Simpson: Cant we stay a little longer? The Occurrence and I were going to go get broiled.
Marge Simpson: Sorry, The Occurrence, but to use your lingo, I have to be "that guy".
The Occurence: Whoa, whoa! You don't want to be "that guy"!
Homer Simpson: I don't want to be that guy, but she's making me be "that guy".
Marge Simpson: Enough!


"The Simpsons: Homer Simpson in: 'Kidney Trouble' (#10.8)" (1998)
Marge Simpson: This should be very educational. I want you kids to pay attention.
Tour Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days; Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trail hand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
Homer Simpson: Three minutes.
[whistles]
Marge Simpson: I never realized history was so filthy!
Tour Guide: First on our tour is the whore house. Then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello, and finally the old mission.
Marge Simpson: Oh, thank heaven.
Tour Guide: Lots of prostitutes in there!

Grampa Simpson: Am I dead yet?
Marge Simpson: No.
Grampa Simpson: How about now?
Marge Simpson: No.
Grampa Simpson: Now?
Marge Simpson: I'll tell you when you're dead, Grampa.
Grampa Simpson: Thank you.

Robot 1: Hey, these cards are marked.
[table falls]
Robot 2: Now look what you've done.
Robot 1: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Robot 3: Let's forget this whole thing happened.
Homer: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody.
[Homer smashes a bottle on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table]
Marge: What is it with you and robots?

Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
Homer: Three minutes.
[whistles]
Marge: I never realized history was so filthy.

Marge: Aren't you going to perform the last rites?
Rev. Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance.


"The Simpsons: Pokey Mom (#12.10)" (2001)
Marge Simpson: What's wrong with my sundaes?

Jack Crowley: Do you know which direction is Mecca?
Marge Simpson: Um, Mecca?
Jack Crowley: Marge I'm kidding. I'm Jewish.

[while trying to get a convict's parole granted]
Jack: I shot a guy named Apu.
Marge: Hmmm... Well a lot of people shoot Apu.

Marge Simpson: Let's get out of this gosh-forsaken heckhole!

Warden: Welcome to Waterville State Penitentiary! The contestants you'll see today are actual prisoners on a break, from their telemarketing duties. Now here comes our first outlaw.
Unknown Prisoner: [Gate opens and prisoner on horse comes out] Ye-haw!
[Horse throws him and he lands on his head. Crowd gasps]
Warden: Oooh, doggie. Well, don't feel too bad for him, folks. He's in here for erecting a Nativity Scene on city property.
Marge Simpson: [Crowds boos loudly] There's so much evil in the world.


"The Simpsons: She of Little Faith (#13.6)" (2001)
Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done!
Homer: You say that so much it's lost all meaning.

Marge: So you're saying that I should bribe Lisa back to Christianity?
Rev. Lovejoy: Sure. You could save a lot more souls with roller-skates and Easy-Bake ovens, than with this.
[lifts Bible]
Rev. Lovejoy: 2000-page sleeping pill.

Marge: So you're saying that I should bribe Lisa back to Christianity?
Rev. Lovejoy: Sure. You could save a lot more souls with roller-skates and Easy-Bake ovens, than with this
[lifts Bible]
Rev. Lovejoy: 2000 page sleeping pill.

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it's lost *all* meaning.


"The Simpsons: Love Is a Many Strangled Thing (#22.17)" (2011)
Marge Simpson: Homer, the game is right here.
[points to football field inside stadium]
Homer Simpson: [chuckles] Oh, that's right! I hope you kids are enjoying yourselves today, because you and your children will be paying for this place long after the team moves to another city.

Marge Simpson: You've destroyed our son's self-esteem.
Homer Simpson: Well, it was your idea to give him self-esteem in the first place.

Homer Simpson: But I don't want to go to parenting class. All the other neglectful parents will make fun of me. They're so cliquey.
Marge Simpson: You'll be all right. You always are.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I miss my friends from drunk driving class. They were so cool.

Marge Simpson: So whatever you did to my husband was too effective.
Dr. Zander: Yes, one of the most common complaints about therapy.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)
[after Homer steps out into 3D land]
Homer Simpson: [disembodied] Hello? Can anybody hear me?
Marge Simpson: Homer! Where are you?
Homer Simpson: Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.
Marge Simpson: Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again.
Homer Simpson: Just a second... no, it's a place I've never been before.
Selma: Hmm. The shower.
[laughs]
Homer Simpson: Hey! I don't want to alarm you, Marge, but I seem to be trapped in here.

Marge Simpson: Kids, it's time we told you the true story and put your fears to rest. It's a story of murder and revenge from beyond the grave. It all started on the thirteenth hour of the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month. We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.
Homer Simpson: Brrr! Oh, lousy Smarch weather.

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what's it like in there?
Homer Simpson: Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
Dr. Hibbert: No.
Lisa Simpson: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Marge Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson: No.
Selma: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Reverend Lovejoy: No.
Prof. John Frink: No.
Chief Wiggum: Yes. I mean, no.

Marge Simpson: Bart, what happened?
Bart Simpson: Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
Homer Simpson: Craaaaaaap!


"The Simpsons: Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy (#5.14)" (1994)
Lisa: I can believe you're just going to let your daughter live in a world where this... THIS is their role-model.
Marge: I had a Malibu Stacy doll when I was little and I turned out all right. Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.
Malibu Stacy: [Lisa pulls on Malibu Stacy's string] Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.
[Marge murmurs]
Lisa: That's it I'm calling the company.

Lisa: They cannot keep making dolls like this! Something has to be done!
Marge: [after a long pause] Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in. But you've been doing that an awful lot lately!
Bart Simpson: Yeah! You made us march in that gay rights parade!
Homer Simpson: And we can't watch Fox because they own those chemical weapons factories in Syria.

Marge: Lisa, normally, I would say that you should stand up for what you believe in, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately...
Bart: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we can't watch Fox because they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria.

Lisa: Mom, we can go on the factory tour and I can complain in person!
Marge: Honey, you're not going to throw red paint at the executives, are you? The Keebler people were very upset.


"The Simpsons: The Food Wife (#23.5)" (2011)
[last lines]
Marge Simpson: This is nice. A family fun day.
Homer Simpson: [to kids] Here's fifty bucks.
[hands kids $50 bill]
Homer Simpson: For the next two hours, I don't want to know you exist.
[laughs]
Homer Simpson: [kids run off]
Homer Simpson: Family fun day.
[kisses Marge]

[first lines]
Marge Simpson: And here's a marble for Lisa for cleaning her room. And a marble for Bart for not trashing Lisa's room. The jars are full! So, you've earned your Saturday Surprise Dad Day!
Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Yay!
Homer Simpson: This Saturday, from the dad who brought you cemetery paintball, and go-karts on real roads, comes the greatest activity yet...
Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Video game convention!

Marge Simpson: The kids sure had a good time with you.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, I was on today. Scary on.
Marge Simpson: How come they never call me Fun Mom?
Homer Simpson: Look, honey. A family's like a team. And on every team, you have the slam-dunking megastar and the referee.
Marge Simpson: It's not fair. Moms want to be fun, but we're stuck with all the mom stuff.
Homer Simpson: OK, OK. How about this: Next week, you take the kids on a Saturday Surprise Dad Day?
Marge Simpson: What if, we rolled pennies and go to the dollar store?
Homer Simpson: That's good, Marge. Get all the terrible ideas out of your system.

Marge Simpson: Why do old squirrels crawl into my engine to die?


"The Simpsons: MoneyBart (#22.3)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: [watching Lisa practice fencing to get into Harvard] Sweetie, you could still go to McGill, the Harvard of Canada.
Lisa Simpson: Anything that's the "something" of the "something" isn't really the "anything" of "anything".

Bart Simpson: [Taking off his uniform] Here's my uniform, since I won't be needing it anymore.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! Underpants dinner!
[Starts taking off shirt]
Marge Simpson: No, it's not!
Marge Simpson: [Dejected] Oh.

Marge Simpson: Baseball manager Mike Scioscia! Didn't you get radiation poisoning working at the nuclear plant?
Mike Scioscia: I sure did, but it also gave me super-managerial powers. Also, I demagnetize credit cards.

Marge Simpson: Why do you say such ridiculous things?
Homer Simpson: They sound good in my brain, then my tongue makes not the words sound very good, formally.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III (#4.5)" (1992)
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "chicken"?
Homer: No. I swear on this Bible.
Marge: That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Ooh... fuzzy.

[Homer has given Bart a "cursed" Krusty doll]
Grampa: That doll is evil, I tells ya! Evil! EEEE-VIL!
Marge: Grampa, you said that about all the presents.
Grampa: I just want attention.

Marge: Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
Bart: Shhh... TV.
Homer: [thud sound on TV] Man fall down... funny.

Marge: Homer! Did you barricade the door?
Homer: Why? Oh, the zombies! No.
[zombies enter]


"The Simpsons: Secrets of a Successful Marriage (#5.22)" (1994)
Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.
Homer: Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once - just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live.

Homer: Look everyone, now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Correction, Marge.
[He holds up a tweed jacket with two large holes in the back]
Homer: Two perfectly good jackets.

Reverend Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmmm.
Marge: But isn't that a sin?
Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything is a sin.
[holds up a Bible]
Reverend Lovejoy: Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom.

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old. Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk.
Homer: And how!


"The Simpsons: Postcards from the Wedge (#21.14)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: That's one month of homework? It seems like a lot for a young boy.
Homer Simpson: I say he should get more homework. I don't have to help him, do I?
Principal Skinner: No.
Homer Simpson: Pile it on! I want him to be Korean by the time he's done.

Marge Simpson: Let's have lunch at Crouching Tiger Hidden Eggroll.
Homer Simpson: No line, close to the bathrooms... I see no reason to disagree.
Bart Simpson: Smooth move, mom. Choosing the one place that doesn't serve beer.
Homer Simpson: What the... Then I wanna eat at Moe's Express.
Moe Szyslak: [to bartenders] And by express I mean express your anger at the world.

Marge Simpson: I don't mind if you pee in the shower, but only if you're taking a shower.
Homer Simpson: No freedom. I have no freedom around this house! After sex, I'm not talking to you!

Marge Simpson: Mister, you are grounded.
Homer Simpson: And no TV.
Marge Simpson: And I'm taking all the exciting colors out of your crayons.
Homer Simpson: And when you're out of my sight, you must constantly Twitter me exactly what you are up to, even though I don't know what Twitter is and have no desire to find out.


"The Simpsons: A Star Is Burns (#6.18)" (1995)
Lisa: I like him. He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance...
Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning.
Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.
Marge: Mmm...

Marge: Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought.
Rainer Wolfcastle: ["Six months later"] And the Oscar goes to...
Montgomery Burns: Oh, I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood.
Rainer Wolfcastle: ...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football".
[everyone applauds; Burns steams]
Rainer Wolfcastle: [a screen shows George C. Scott standing there and a football hitting him in the groin]
George C. Scott: [doubling over] Aargh! My groin.

Homer: [after watching a Jewish parody of "Can't Touch This"] Marge are we Jewish?
Marge: No.
Homer: Woo hoo! Oh boy!
[Takes out a roast pig and starts to eat it]

Marge: Did you know that there are over 600 film critics on TV, and Leonard Maltin is the best looking of them all?
Lisa: Ew!


"The Simpsons: That '90s Show (#19.11)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: We wouldn't be in this mess if you just paid the heating bill.
Homer Simpson: I thought global warming would take care of it. Can't Al Gore do anything right?

Marge Simpson: Professor August says that situational comedy is a dying artform.
Homer Simpson: You know what I say to that? No soup for you! Because I'm master of my domain... Newman!

Marge Simpson: I've learned so much. Did you know that every president was a straight white male?
Homer Simpson: Even Walt Disney?

Marge Simpson: Homer is where my heart is.


"The Simpsons: Homer and Apu (#5.13)" (1994)
Apu: [singing] Whether igloo, hut, or geodesic dome there's no structure that I've been to that I'd rather call my home. When I first arrived you were all such jerks but now I've come to love your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can phyliosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fellow, sorry about the samonella.
Homer: [laughing] That's okay.
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart, now here's the tricky part, oh won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwwik-E-Mart?
Marge: Their floors are stik-e-mart.
Lisa: They made dad sik-e-mart.
Bart: Let's hurl a brik-e-mart.
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'OH!
Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not me!
Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart. Good bye to Kwik-E-Mart. Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not me.
Homer: Everything wrapped up nicely. Earlier than usual.
Marge: I guess happiness is wherever you find it.
Homer: And we've all found happiness. Every one of us.
Apu: [Sobbing]
Homer: What's that sound?
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I do.
Homer: Hey! He lied to us through song. I hate it when people do that.

James Woods: Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to fight aliens on a far away planet.
Marge: Oh, that sounds like a good movie!
James Woods: Uhh... yes, yes... movie...

[while eating the Indian food Apu prepared]
Marge: Hmm, well, it certainly is exotic.
[Lisa begins panting]
Marge: Oh, honey, is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: [in a high, squeaky, soft voice] I can see through time!

Marge: Hmm, well, I guess we could go to that new Monstromart... Ooh, that's a good price for twelve pounds of nutmeg!


"The Simpsons: Homer Goes to College (#5.3)" (1993)
Marge Simpson: Homey, here the responses from the colleges you applied to.
Homer Simpson: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Whoo-hoo! A flyer for a hardware store! D'oh!

Bart Simpson: Well, Pop, what are you gonna do?
Homer Simpson: Something I should have done a long time ago!
[long pause]
Marge Simpson: You don't know, do you?
Homer Simpson: No ma'am.

Bart Simpson: Dad, start digging some nerd holes!
Lisa Simpson: It's bad enough they put their retainers in the dishwasher; can't we do something?
Homer Simpson: Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony, right, Marge?
Marge Simpson: No, I want those geeks outta my house!

[as the nerds move into the Simpson home]
Marge Simpson: Mmm...
Homer: Marge, they don't anywhere else to stay. And they're geniuses! They'll solve all our problems! They'll elevate us to the status of kings on earth!
Benjamin: Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds.
Marge Simpson: Oh, for the love of...!


"The Simpsons: Bart's Girlfriend (#6.7)" (1994)
Homer: If he didn't take the money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes?
Marge: That's what he wore to church!
Homer: Oooooh, how convenient.

Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No. He looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.

Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge. Admit it.

[Bart walks into the room looking sad]
Marge: Do you notice something different about Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No, the way he's been acting. He seems depressed.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.


"The Simpsons: D'oh-in' in the Wind (#10.6)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Hi Marge. We're freaking out squares.
Marge Simpson: Oh, Lord...
Homer Simpson: What's in your brand-new bag, momma?
Marge Simpson: Oh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. Forty-eight waist with the balloon seat, right?
Homer Simpson: Marge, not in front of the hippies!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you mind? Your feet are really close to my potato.
Homer Simpson: Your potato? You can't, like, own a potato, man. It's one of Mother Earth's creatures.
[he burps]
Marge Simpson: Homer! Excuse yourself!
Homer Simpson: No way, narc! Bodily functions are a natural thing.
Bart Simpson: Not to mention hilarious.
Marge Simpson: You know, I really don't appreciate being called a narc. And that poncho is filthy! Let me dry-clean it for you.
Homer Simpson: Why do you have to turn everything into one big plastic hassle? Marge, you've got too many hang-ups. Like the whole shaving trip. Come on, I want to see those legs all furry and gross!
Marge Simpson: That ain't gonna happen, bub.
Homer Simpson: Well, at least lose the bra. Free the Springfield Two, Marge! Free the Springfield Two!

[Homer is in a car with hippies Seth and Munchie. Marge is walking down the street]
Homer: Hi Marge. We're freaking out squares.
Marge: Oh, Lord...
Homer: What's in your brand new bag, momma?
Marge: Oh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. Forty-eight waist with the balloon seat, right?
Homer: [panicking] Marge, not in front of the hippies.
[Seth and Munchie laugh]

[Homer has to write his full name on an application form but he doesn't know what his middle initial stands for]
Bart: Uh, so Dad, regarding that form, why not just make up a middle name?
Lisa: You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit.
Homer: No. Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name.


"The Simpsons: Burns, Baby Burns (#8.4)" (1996)
Lisa: Where's that music coming from?
Marge: And all the liquor?
Homer: It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense.

Marge: Careful of that apple pie on the back seat...
Grampa: Uh-oh.
Marge: Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?
Grampa: I sure hope so.

Marge: Homer, you know how I feel about hoaxes.

[after being corrected by Lisa on the correct pronunciation of "foliage"]
Marge: All that gorgeous... foliage. I can't ex-cape Lisa, our little walking li-bary.


"The Simpsons: The Regina Monologues (#15.4)" (2003)
Ian McKellen: Please, take these free tickets to my play!
Homer: What? What play?
Ian McKellen: We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
Homer: You mean 'MacBeth'?
[a car splashes Ian McKellen]
Ian McKellen: Quiet, you plundering fool! You'll curse us all!
Homer: What, by saying 'MacBeth'?
[an anvil falls on Ian McKellen's foot]
Ian McKellen: OW! Stop saying it!
Homer: Saying what?
Ian McKellen: 'MACBETH'! Oh, now I've said it.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Bart Simpson: This is cool! 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning each time Bart says 'MacBeth']
Marge Simpson: Bart, stop saying 'MacBeth'!
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, you said 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Homer: Mr. 'MacBeth', I'm really sorry.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Ian McKellen: That's quite alright. You didn't know.

Lisa: Why did you let him be his own Barrister?
Marge: He rear-ended the frigging Queen! What difference would it make?

Homer Simpson: Well Marge, you gotta admit, I've been on my best behaviour this trip.
Marge Simpson: You punched out three people on the street.
Homer Simpson: That was over soccer results. Can you believe they gave Giggs a yellowcard in the box?
Marge Simpson: Do you understand any part of what you just said?
Homer Simpson: I understood the word 'gave'... unless it means something else in this country!

Homer Simpson: Oh Marge, I am so sorry. I should have listened to whatever it was you were saying.
Marge Simpson: It's partly my fault. I've been nagging you so much on this trip; you couldn't know which nags to focus on!


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Pony (#3.8)" (1991)
Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony.
Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony.

[Homer bought Lisa a pony after Marge told him not to]
Marge: I am very upset with you.
Homer: Sounds like someone's angling for a pony of her own.

Marge: Lisa, do you know how much it costs to keep a pony?
Lisa Simpson: No.
Marge: Well, it's a lot. In fact, your father had to take a second job.
Bart: The poor guy! Where's he working?
Marge: The Kwik-E-Mart.
[Bart bursts out laughing]

Marge: Lisa, I hope you realize that your father can't keep this up.
Lisa Simpson: You're going to make me give up Princess?
Marge: Lisa, we can't make you do anything.
Bart: I can make her! Just give me five minutes alone with her...
Marge: No, Bart! No one's going to make her. This is something Lisa has to decide for herself.
Lisa Simpson: All those years I've lobbied to be treated as an adult have blown up in my face.


"The Simpsons: Take My Wife, Sleaze (#11.8)" (1999)
[Meathook punches eggs into a toaster]
Marge Simpson: Stop that! If you want some food, I'll be happy to make you some breakfast.
Meathook: I'd kill for some waffles!
Ramrod: He has... Remember that IHOP in Oakland?
[both guys laugh hysterically]

Meathook: Alright Satans, we roll out at dawn.
Marge Simpson: Where are we going?
Meathook: To the Biker's Jamboree in South Dakota. You'll love it. Mickey Rourke is comin' and we're gonna jump him.
Marge Simpson: You know, there's more to life than boozing and roughhousing.
[entire gang looks around at each other, confused]
Marge Simpson: Haven't any of you had a dream?
Ramrod: Yeah, I had a dream! I was in this beautiful garden... pounding the crap out of a shopkeeper. Then...
Marge Simpson: Noo! I mean the dream of a good job, a loving family, and a home in the suburbs.
Meathook: Aww man, to get all that you'd have to kill live fifty people!
Marge Simpson: Noooo, you don't have to kill anyone! Not if you have jobs. And the first step is an eye-catching resume.
Ramrod: Nah, actually it's called résumé.
Meathook: Actually, both are acceptable.

Marge Simpson: And when you get a job interview, try not to call your employer a punk or a skank.
Meathook: Makes sense.
Ramrod: Ooh, *don't* call him skank.
Meathook: Mrs. Simpson, I killed my pencil.
Marge Simpson: Broke. You *broke* your pencil.
Meathook: I... broke him.
Marge Simpson: That's right. And what else have we learned?
Ramrod: Oh oh, that violence is wrong.
Marge Simpson: Excellent, Ramrod. Civilized people solve their disputes with words.
[Homer jumps in screaming and punching]
Marge Simpson: Stop! You don't understand!
[Homer continues, attacking, punching, and throwing people]
Meathook: Marge, what do we do here? Marge, he's using violence.
Marge Simpson: Talk to him. Use your words.
Meathook: Homer... Homer... stop. We've given up our violent ways. We just wanna live peacefully... with your wife.
Homer Simpson: No! My wife is not a dooby... to be passed around! I took a sacred vow on my wedding day to bogart her forever.
Marge Simpson: Oooooh, Homey.
Meathook: There's only one reasonable way to settle this... you and me, in the circle of death.
Marge Simpson: Ooooh, I just swept the circle of death.

Homer Simpson: My wife is not a doobie, to be passed around from person to person! I made a sacred vow, on my wedding day, to bogart her for the rest of my life.
Meathook: There's only one way to settle this: you and me, in the Circle of Death.
Marge Simpson: Oh, I just swept the Circle of Death.


The Simpsons: Road Rage (2001) (VG)
Marge: An Indian cab driver? Now I've seen everything!

Marge: Move your keister mister.

Marge: Barney, you look terrible!
Barney: Well, w - , yeah, I slept with my head in the toilet!

Marge: Grandpa, what are you doing outside?
Abraham Simpson: [concerned and obviously confused] I don't know!


"The Simpsons: Homer the Heretic (#4.3)" (1992)
[Homer pooh-poohs churchgoing]
Marge: Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...

Bart: Hey, where's Homer?
Marge: Your father is... resting.
Bart: "Resting" hung over? "Resting" got fired? Help me out here.

Marge: I have a responsibility to raise these children right and, unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked.
Homer: [to Lisa and Bart] Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was...
[thinks]
Homer: I forget. But the point is...
[thinks]
Homer: I forget that, too.
[to Marge]
Homer: Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car.

Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.


"The Simpsons: Regarding Margie (#17.20)" (2006)
Homer Simpson: See that ball of fire in the sky? That's the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo's lantern, day moon, old blazy. The important thing is, never to touch it.
Marge Simpson: I know what the sun is.
Homer Simpson: Yes, now you do.

Marge Simpson: Mr. Simpson, I don't even know you! I am not making love with you.
Homer Simpson: But what if we...
[Whispers]
Marge Simpson: You're describing how to parallel park.
Homer Simpson: [Crying] You used to love my non sequiturs.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: How many fingers am I holding up?
Marge Simpson: Two.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Good. Now I can put them back in the jar.

Marge Simpson: Now I have a question. Who are you people?
Homer Simpson: [gasps] She doesn't recognise us!
Homer Simpson: [shakes Dr. Hibbert] You monster! What have you done to my face?


"The Simpsons: Jaws Wired Shut (#13.9)" (2002)
Marge: [Marge has entered a demolition derby] Don't hit me! I'm not like you people, I'm loved!

[the Simpsons are buying tickets to a PG-13 movie]
Lisa: Mom, why is this movie rated PG-13?
Marge: [reading pamphlet] It says it may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling.
[Bart and Lisa shudder]

Marge: Homer, you're going to get into trouble.
Homer: I'm not scared of those ushers. What are they going to do, advance on me?

Marge: [to Homer] I am not going to make you another spare rib smoothie. Most people with their jaws wired shut don't gain weight.


"The Simpsons: Lisa on Ice (#6.8)" (1994)
[Marge hears Bart and Lisa fighting upstairs]
Marge Simpson: Oh, I'd better go check on them. Now, Homer, don't you eat this pie.
Homer: All right, Marge.
[Marge exits]
Homer: All right, pie. I'm going to start doing this...
[makes chomping motion]
Homer: -and if you get eaten, it's your own fault.
[He shuts his eyes, and moves toward the pie, making chomping motions, but hits his head on the stove hood]
Homer: OW! AH! Oh, my... oh, to hell with it.
[eats pie]

[Lisa has received an academic alert that she is failing gym class]
Marge: Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder.
Homer: Whew. That's all of 'em.
[puts stack of academic alerts in front of Bart]
Homer: And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son?
Bart: Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates.
Homer: Done and done.
Lisa: That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out?
Homer: [sitting back] Ah, the mysteries of life.

Marge: Kids can be so cruel.
Bart: We can? Thanks, Mom.

Homer: Can somebody pass the mustard?
[Bart tries to pass the mustard to Homer, but Lisa blocks it]
Lisa: You're going to have to do better than that tonight, chump.
Marge Simpson: I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in my house!


"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Krust (#9.15)" (1998)
Janeane Garafolo: I got my period today.
Marge Simpson: [spits out her drink in shock] Oh, good lord!
Janeane Garafolo: Plus I got a new boyfriend, and you know how it is when you're kissing a guy with a tongue stud.
Homer Simpson: [laughing hysterically] Yes! Yes! Oh God, yes!
[thumps his fists loudly on the table, while he laughs]

Homer Simpson: From now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs!
Bart Simpson: Dad!
Homer Simpson: You too, Bart!
Marge Simpson: Oh, knock it off, Homer, you're the fattest one in the car!
Homer Simpson: [shocked, hurt] You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge!

[Driving home from Krusty's comedy show]
Homer Simpson: From now on, I'm going to be just like Krusty and tell it like it is! Marge, you're getting a little fat around the thighs.
Bart: Dad!
Homer Simpson: You too, Bart.
Marge: Oh Homer, be quiet, you're the fattest person in this car.
Homer Simpson: Aw... you didn't have to tell it like it is.

[Moe turns his bar into a comedy club]
Marge: Four drink minimum?
Homer: I'll cover you, honey.


"The Simpsons: Brother's Little Helper (#11.2)" (1999)
Principal Skinner: I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son
Marge Simpson: [gasps]
Principal Skinner: Unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous...
Homer Simpson: Candy bar?
Principal Skinner: No. It's a new drug called Focusyn.
Marge Simpson: A drug? I know Bart can be rambunctious, but he's not some hyperactive monster.
[Bart appears outside the window, dressed as a cheerleader]
Bart Simpson: Gimme an F! Gimme an art!
Principal Skinner: Good Lord! He's gotten into the pep closet!
Homer Simpson: I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.

Bart Simpson: I don't wanna take drugs.
Homer Simpson: Sure you do. All your favorite stars have used drugs. Brett Butler, Tim Allen...
Marge Simpson: Tommy Lee...
Homer Simpson: Andy Dick...
Bart Simpson: He's just flamboyant.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, and I'm a size four.

Marge Simpson: Hmm?
[reads a note taped to her chair]
Marge Simpson: "Thank you in advance for a world class meal. You're an inspiration to our entire organization. Thank you again, Bart." Oh, what a thoughtful gesture.
Bart Simpson: Cost of paper: five cents. A mother's love: priceless.
Marge Simpson: Aw.
Homer Simpson: Do I get a card?
Bart Simpson: No, but here's a book called "Chicken Soup for the Loser" that gave Bill Bruckner the courage to open a chain of laundromats.
Homer Simpson: Hmmm... my career has kind of lost momentum.

Marge Simpson: Bart's so well-behaved now. Maybe you and I can have a night out.
Homer Simpson: Ooh! Let's go to the water park! My ten-year ban ended yesterday.
Marge Simpson: I was thking of something a little more... adult.
[whispers]
Homer Simpson: Oh, Marge!
Marge Simpson: And then afterwards...
[whispers some more]
Homer Simpson: Hee-hee, hee-hee! Really? With butterscotch on it?
Marge Simpson: I think you misheard me.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Great (#6.12)" (1995)
Marge: Homer, a man who called himself "you-know-who" just invited you to a secret "wink-wink" at the "you-know-what". You certainly are popular now that you're a Stonecutter.
Homer: Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.

Bart: Dad, remember those self-hypnosis courses we took to help us ignore Grampa?
Homer: Do I ever! It's five years later and I still think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge!
Marge: I know, I know.

Marge Simpson: Kids can be so cruel.
Bart Simpson: [walking by] We can? Thanks Mom!
[runs off]
Lisa Simpson: Ow, cut it out Bart!

Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Charles Karault because you thought he dug up your garden?
Homer: Well, something did.
Marge: I don't want you stalking people tonight.
Homer: All right, fine. I'll be right back. I'm just going outside... to... stalk... Lenny and Carl... D'oh!


"The Simpsons: Moaning Lisa (#1.6)" (1990)
Marge Simpson: It doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know. It's what shows up on the outside that counts. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you. And happiness will follow.

Marge Simpson: Lisa, get away from that jazzman! Nothing personal, I just fear the unfamiliar.

Marge: Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention, but all the while, our little Lisa's becoming a young woman.
Homer: Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing.

Marge Simpson: Lisa, I apologize to you, I was wrong! I take it all back. Always be yourself. If you want to be sad, honey, be sad. We'll ride it out with you. And when you get finished feeling sad, we'll still be there. From now on, let me do the smiling for both of us.
Lisa: [smiles] Okay, Mom.
Marge Simpson: I said you could stop smiling, Lisa.
Lisa: I *feel* like smiling.
[They embrace]


"The Simpsons: Homer Alone (#3.15)" (1992)
[last lines; Marge is home after taking a vacation by herself, and the house nearly went to pieces without her]
Marge Simpson: And from now on, I expect you to help out a little more at home.
Homer Simpson: You got it, honey. Do you have enough blanket?
Marge Simpson: Well, I could use a little more. And I also need to have a little time to myself now and again...
Bart: Mom?
[Widen to show that Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are sharing the bed with Homer and Marge]
Bart: I think I speak for everyone in this bed when I say you have nothing to worry about. Now let's just try to get a little shut-eye, huh?
[He turns out the light. The whole family lets out a sigh. Marge and Homer's eyes close, then Bart and Lisa's. Finally, Maggie's eyes droop, and close]

[as Marge train pulls away]
Marge Simpson: Goodbye, Homie.
Homer Simpson: [running after her] Goodbye? Where's my clean underwear?
Marge Simpson: Check the dryer!
Homer Simpson: How often should I change Maggie?
Marge Simpson: Whenever she needs it!
Homer Simpson: Marge, Marge! How do I use the pressure cooker!
Marge Simpson: Don't!

Marge Simpson: Homer, if Maggie really doesn't want to go, maybe she should stay here with you.
Patty: Are you sure that's wise? He'll probably trade her for a beer and a nudie magazine.

[first lines; Homer chases Bart through the house in his underwear, knocking over and breaking a lamp]
Marge Simpson: I am not cleaning that... who am I kidding?


"The Simpsons: Kill the Alligator and Run (#11.19)" (2000)
Marge Simpson: My goodness, what a lovely suit, sheriff. Is that seersucker?
Officer: Nah, not on a civil servant's salary. It's nearsucker.
Marge Simpson: Well, the fabric really brings out the red in your neck.
Officer: Yup, it's coming along, huh? You should see it in August after the horseflies been gettin' at it. Hoo, man!
Marge Simpson: Dang, I wish I could, but in August, our chain gang has to dig for tar.
Officer: Well now,
[chuckles]
Officer: I might could switch you to dead animal pickup.

Marge Simpson: Homer, you'll kill us all!
Homer Simpson: Or die trying!

[in the car on the way to Florida]
Lisa: Mom, Bart's sitting next to me.
Bart: Mom, Lisa's growing.
Marge: Quiet, you two. You know your father's just had a breakdown.
Homer: My pockets hurt.

Marge Simpson: Oh, it's so cozy.
Velma: You're insincere. I like that.


"The Simpsons: At Long Last Leave (#23.14)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: How you doing, Mr. Assange?
Julian Assange: That's my personal information and you have no right to know about it. Hey, but we're neighbors. Would you like to come over for a movie sometime?
Marge Simpson: Is it Iraqi journalists being murdered?
Julian Assange: Don't be ridiculous. It's an Afghan wedding being bombed.
Homer Simpson: Well I have a really big secret for you.
[whispers]
Homer Simpson: I'm not wearing any underwear.
Julian Assange: You know, you should really get out less.

Marge Simpson: It says here we have to stay inside the shelter for three hours.
Homer Simpson: So if you have to fart, do it now.
Marge Simpson: Homer! What if those were your last words on Earth?
Homer Simpson: Honey, you know my last words will be "I can outrun that lion."

Moe Szyslak: The monsters are here!
Marge Simpson: Moe, it's us. We've been your friends for years.
Moe Szyslak: The queen monster is coming on to me!

Mayor Quimby: Marge, you're a kind, compassionate woman who makes us see your family in a new light.
Marge Simpson: Thank you.
Mayor Quimby: Which is why you're the worst Simpson of all!


"The Simpsons: Summer of 4 Ft. 2 (#7.25)" (1996)
Marge: I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself.
Lisa: Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked.

Marge: Isn't this fun, Lisa?
Lisa: It must be exciting to make a whole different set of beds.
Marge: I know you're joking, but it is!

Marge: Say bye bye to our house, Maggie! Bye bye tree!
Homer Simpson: Bye bye, work!
Bart: Bye bye, toothbrush
Lisa: Bye bye, Lisa Simpson

Marge: And you're sure the Flanderses won't be there? Well, it sounds great. Bart you can call Milhouse. Lise, you can invite a friend too.
Lisa: Great a friend! Or some girl I know... I don't know... stuffed animal?


"The Simpsons: Blood Feud (#2.22)" (1991)
Marge Simpson: We got exactly what we wanted out of this: we gave an old man a second chance.
Homer: I promised my boy one simple thing: lots of riches. And that man broke my promise!

Homer: Marge, quick, what's my blood type?
Marge Simpson: A-positive.
Homer: Aw, nuts!
Lisa Simpson: You know his blood type? How romantic!
Marge Simpson: A mother knows everything about her family.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, yeah? What's my shoe size?
Marge Simpson: 4-B.
Bart: How many teeth do I have?
Marge Simpson: Sixteen permanent, eight baby.
Lisa Simpson: Rings?
Marge Simpson: I don't want you wearing rings, it looks cheap. But three.
Homer: How many hairs on my head? Without looking!
Marge Simpson: Oh, Homie, you have lots of hair.
Lisa Simpson: Earmuff?
Marge Simpson: XM.
Bart: Allergies?
Marge Simpson: Butterscotch and imitation butterscotch.
Bart: And...?
Marge Simpson: Glow-in-the-dark monster makeup.
Bart: Ooh, impressive.

Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing! Just a big, scary rock!
Bart: Hey, don't knock the head, man.
Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded! The moral of the story is that a good deed is its own reward!
Bart: But we got a reward, the head is cool!
Marge: Well, then maybe the moral is, no good deed goes unrewarded.
Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter we wouldn't have gotten anything.
Marge: Mmmm... then I guess the moral is, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Lisa: Maybe there is no moral, Mom.
Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
Homer: Amen to that.
[the whole family laughs]

[looking at a giant stone head Mr. Burns has had delivered to the Simpson house]
Homer: Marge, what does it do?
Marge: It doesn't do anything.
Homer: Marge, really, what does it do?
Marge: Whatever it does, it's doing it right now.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Wedding (#6.19)" (1995)
Marge: Lisa, hello. How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a "lift", a mile is called a "kilometer" and botulism is called "steak and kidney pie".

Homer: OK, Marge, I'll plan everything: we can have the reception at Moe's. Wait. Why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning. There'll be fewer drunks.
Marge: Homer, don't be offended, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding.
Homer: [looks through the papers of the court order] Well, these seem to be in order. I'll be out back in the hammock.

Lisa: Mom, remember when I was little, we'd always planned my dream wedding and you always promised to... you know, well, keep Dad from ruining it?
Marge: [crossing her fingers] Oh, don't worry, honey, I guarantee your father will behave.
Lisa: [nonplussed] Mom, it's a picture phone.
Marge: [looking at her fingers] This? This? Oh, no, I've just got a touch of the rheumatiz.
Lisa: Oh.
Marge: [wipes her brow] Phew!
Lisa: Mom, picture phone.

Marge: I took loom in high school.
[Marge hums, quickly weaves *Hi Bart, I am weaving on a loom*]
Bart Simpson: [pause] Meh.


"The Simpsons: Selma's Choice (#4.13)" (1993)
[during a video will from Great-Aunt Gladys]
Great-Aunt Gladys: Now, let's get down to business...
Lionel Hutz: [dubbed in] To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
Marge: Mr. Hutz!
Lionel Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would.

Marge: Kids, your Great-Aunt Gladys has... passed on.
Bart Simpson: Gladys, Gladys... 'bout yea high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead?
Marge: No, honey, Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
Bart Simpson: [thinks, then shudders] Oh yeah, there she is.

Homer, Bart Simpson: [singing in the car] On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball...
Marge: If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral!
Homer: [singing] Ding-dong, the witch is dead!
Bart Simpson: Which old witch?
Homer: The Wicked Witch!

[Homer has gotten food poisoning]
Marge: You look terrible.
Homer: I don't care. I'm going to Duff Gardens!
[he stands, then collapses and crawls out the door on his hand and knees. Cut to in the car, where he is shivering in the driver's seat, wrapped in a blanket]
Homer: So c-c-c-old...
Marge: Your lips are turning blue. I think you'd better stay home.
Homer: No! Duff Gardens... hurrah!
[he passes out and hits the steering wheel, blaring the horn]


"The Simpsons: Dial 'N' for Nerder (#19.14)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: It's your new diet.
Homer Simpson: But what happened with all the other diets I'm not done with yet?

Bart Simpson: See that fat lady with the moustache? That's you.
Lisa Simpson: See that hippo rolling in dung? You're the dung.
Marge Simpson: That's enough. You each got one in.
Bart Simpson: Oh, but her's was better.

Marge Simpson: Zack, you're not trying to save our marriage, you're trying to split us up. I'd rather have a chubby hubby than a sexy exy.
Homer Simpson: Oh, Marge. If there was a reality show named "Fat Guys Who Really Love Their Wives", not only would it be an enormous ratings success, but I'd be the first one on it.

Marge Simpson: Homer, are you cheating on your diet?
Homer Simpson: Cheating? I'm not even gonna dignify that with eye contact.


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets an Elephant (#5.17)" (1994)
Marge: [Homer and Marge are standing with Bart's Elephant, Stampy] Oh my, it looks like it could gore.
Homer: Hee hee, it does look like Al Gore.

Homer Simpson: [after hitting a deer statue] D'oh!
Lisa Simpson: A deer!
Marge Simpson: A female deer!

[after Homer runs over a deer]
Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.

Marge: Homer, there's a bird on your head.
Homer: I know, Marge, he's grooming me.


"The Simpsons: Bart vs. Australia (#6.16)" (1995)
[after Bart moons the people of Australia by writing "Don't tread on me" on his behind]
Marge: I'm glad you're all right, honey, but I wish you'd chosen a more tasteful way to be patriotic.
Lisa: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

U.S. Ambassador: Good news, we've worked out a compromise that will allow both nations to save face.
Conover: We've argued them down to... a booting.
Homer, Marge, Bart: WHAT?
U.S. Ambassador: The Prime Minister just wants to kick Bart once, through the gate, with a regular shoe.
Conover: I believe it's a wing tip.

Marge: We have those in America. They're called bull frogs.
Australian Squeaky-Voiced Teen: That's weird! I'd have called them chuzzwazzers!

Marge: I'll just have a cup of coffee.
Bartender: Beer it is.
Marge: No, no. Coffee.
Bartender: Beer.
Marge: Coff-fee.
Bartender: Be-ear.
Marge: C-O...
Bartender: B-E...


"The Simpsons: Beyond Blunderdome (#11.1)" (1999)
Marge Simpson: Hey! We never opened that envelope to see what our free gift is.
Homer Simpson: We didn't? That's odd. Seems like we would have done that right after we left the car place.
Marge Simpson: I know, but we didn't.
Homer Simpson: [reaches for the envelope] Well, here it is. So we can open it and find out now.
Marge Simpson: Perfect!
Homer Simpson: [opens it] Aw, movie tickets! That hardly seems worth destroying a car!

Homer Simpson: Mel Gibson is just a guy, Marge, no different than me or Lenny.
Marge Simpson: Were you or Lenny ever named "Sexiest Man Alive"?
Homer Simpson: Hmmm... I'm not certain about Lenny...

Marge Simpson: Look, they're making a movie! Robert Downey, Jr. is shooting it out with the police.
[Several police officers exchange gunfire with Robert Downey, Jr]
Bart Simpson: I don't see any cameras.

Homer Simpson: Movies aren't stupid. They fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies. Lethal Weapon showed us that suicide is funny.
Mel Gibson: That really wasn't my intention.
Homer Simpson: Before Lethal Weapon 2, I never thought there could be a bomb in my toilet, but now I check every time.
Marge Simpson: It's true. He does.
Mel Gibson: Do movies mean that much to you, Homer?
Homer Simpson: They're my only escape from the drudgery of work and family.
[to Marge and the kids]
Homer Simpson: No offense.


"The Simpsons: Bart the Mother (#10.3)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: [Bart has raised lizard eggs, but they are to be destroyed] Everyone thinks they're monsters, but I raised them, and I love them! I know that's hard to understand.
Marge Simpson: Mmm...... Not as hard as you think.
[Whispers conspiratorially]
Marge Simpson: Run for it.
Bart Simpson: Really?
[Marge nods, and Bart kisses her on the cheek before running away]

Marge Simpson: While I deal with this, why don't you start with that basket?
Homer Simpson: All right - Ooooh I hate folding sheets.
Marge Simpson: That's your underwear.
Homer Simpson: Well whatever it is, it's a two man job, where's Bart?

Bart: But mom...
Marge: I just don't think it's a good idea
Bart: But mom!
Marge: Yes?
Bart: That's all I got...

Marge: And punish Lisa for lying to us.
Homer: All right, young lady. March yourself right down to the Kwik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer.


"The Simpsons: The Homer They Fall (#8.3)" (1996)
Marge Simpson: Homer, you don't know how to box, you're 38 years old, and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor.
Homer Simpson: No problemo.
[kisses her and walks off]
Marge Simpson: [realizes] A competent doctor!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Marge Simpson: Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a soviet sub? A suede briefcase case? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems.
Homer Simpson: [gasping] Marge, look! "The world's best jacket." If I had this, it would show everybody!
[vengefully]
Homer Simpson: Show everybody...!

Dr. Hibbert: [examining Homer] Well, sir, you more than meet every one of this state's requirements to box, wrestle or be shot out of a cannon.
Marge Simpson: That's what we get for living in a state founded by circus freaks.

Homer Simpson: I'll make a fortune for one night's work! We can have all the things we always dreamed of: a snooty butler, carpeted carports, those blue cupcakes they sell sometimes...
Marge Simpson: But you'll get killed!
Homer Simpson: Marge! Will you let me finish? Plug-in room deodorizers, front and rear spoilers for the car...


"The Simpsons: The Strong Arms of the Ma (#14.9)" (2003)
Marge Simpson: [Stuck in the basement due to agoraphobia] What to do now? Too crazy to go outside; not crazy enough to have imaginary friends.

Marge Simpson: [after beating up a thief who tried to rob her] You've just been Marge-inalized!

Moe Szyslak: Ugh, listen Marge, um- how can I put this delicately? I don't got enough booze in this place to make you look good.
Marge Simpson: [breaks jar of pickled eggs on bar counter and points jagged edge of jar at Moe] Maybe death will stop your yammering.


"The Simpsons: Angry Dad: The Movie (#22.14)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: That's it, boy! I'm eating your yogurt!
Marge Simpson: You ate his yogurt in the car.
Homer Simpson: He didn't know that.

Homer Simpson: My little Roman Polanski.
Marge Simpson: Homer!
Homer Simpson: What? What's wrong with being Roman Polanski?
[Marge whispers in his ear]
Homer Simpson: He what? You monster!
[strangles Bart]

Bart Simpson: This is insane! He didn't show up for work, he bad-mouthed the movie on Jimmy Fallon, and now he's hogging all the credit.
Marge Simpson: Don't worry, sweetie. It's the begining of a ridiculously long series of awards shows. You'll have your chance to say crazy things.


"The Simpsons: The Parent Rap (#13.2)" (2001)
Marge Simpson: She's such a butthole!

Homer Simpson: She is so cool!
Marge Simpson: We hate her, Homer.

Homer Simpson: That was close.
Hans Moleman: Please drive off me.
Homer Simpson: Argh!
Marge Simpson: What was that?
Homer Simpson: Uh, just the radio, dear.


"The Simpsons: Weekend at Burnsie's (#13.16)" (2002)
Marge Simpson: [Homer is naming off the crows in his bedroom] Homer, I'm not sure I'm comfortable sleeping with a group of crows in the bedroom in the night.
Homer Simpson: It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.
Marge Simpson: I'm going to go sleep on the couch tonight.

Marge Simpson: [Homer tries his first medical marijuana in the bedroom, the smoke comes through the closed door and downstairs to where Marge, Lisa, and Bart are] What is that billowing down the stairs?
[Gasps]
Marge Simpson: It's smoke!
Lisa Simpson: [Sniffs] It smells like the art teacher's office.

Marge Simpson: [Homer comes home with a new suit] Where did you get that suit?
Homer Simpson: Woah, woah, one question at a time.
[Points to Marge]
Homer Simpson: Yes, you?
Marge Simpson: Homer, I am getting really worried you are going overboard with this. We are out of clothespins, there are half-eaten cupcakes all around the house, and the curtains smell like doob.
Homer Simpson: Well I got news for you: I just got promoted and it's all thanks to yes-I-cannabis!
[Homer walks away]
Homer Simpson: We have a kitchen?


"The Simpsons: Smoke on the Daughter (#19.15)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: Lisa, have I ever shown you my shattered-dreams box?
Lisa Simpson: No.
Marge Simpson: It's upstairs, in my disappointments closet.
Lisa Simpson: Oh! Oh.

Lisa Simpson: So what happened?
Marge Simpson: My bosoms grew in and ruined my balance.
Lisa Simpson: Really? How?
Marge Simpson: They came in one at a time.
Lisa Simpson: Mom, do you think mine...
Marge Simpson: No, I'm pretty sure you'll have your father's boobs.

Marge Simpson: Homer, I'm going to be a dancer!
Homer Simpson: Go-go or boring?
Marge Simpson: Boring!
Homer Simpson: Oh.


"The Simpsons: I Love Lisa (#4.15)" (1993)
Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge Simpson: Well, honey, I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard them all: "I like you as a friend," "I think we should see other people," "I no speak English"...
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: "I'm married to the sea," "I don't want to kill you but I will"...
Marge Simpson: Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy that you're very flattered, but you're just not ready for this kind of thing.
Lisa: Thanks, Mom.
Homer: And if that doesn't work, six simple words: "I'm not gay, but I'll learn."

[At breakfast, Marge puts a plate with the food spelling out "I Love You" in front of Homer]
Marge Simpson: And this is for my huggy-bug, in honor of this special day.
Homer: [thinking] Special day! Oh, what have I forgotten now? Now, don't panic. Is it Bacon Day? No, that's crazy talk!
[Marge's smile fades]
Homer: [thinking] She's getting impatient, take a stab at it!
Homer: [aloud] Happy... Valentine's Day!
Marge Simpson: Oh, thank you, dear.
[kisses him]
Homer: Woo hoo!

Marge: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard 'em all.
[ticking off on his fingers]
Homer: "I like you as a friend", "I think we should see other people", "I no speak English"...
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: "I'm married to the sea", "I don't want to kill you, but I will"...
Marge: Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy you're flattered, but you're just not ready for this sort of thing.
Lisa: Thanks, Mom.
Homer: And if that doesn't work- six simple words: "I'm not gay but I'll learn."


"The Simpsons: Poppa's Got a Brand New Badge (#13.22)" (2002)
Homer Simpson: You know, I've had a lot of jobs. Boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carnie, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.
Marge Simpson: If you like protecting people, you can make that your job. You know, start a security company.
Homer Simpson: [kisses Marge] Finally a way to combine my love of helping people with my love of hurting people.

Homer: That's it. This job is too dangerous. I'm giving this badge to the first person I see.
Chief Wiggum: That's funny because this is how I got this job the first time.
Marge: Thank you, chief for saving my husband's life.
Chief Wiggum: I didn't do anything. They took my gun and my badge. They would have gotten my squad car too if I hadn't hidden it under some hay.
Homer: Then who shot all of the gangsters?
[Maggie looks out of the window and cocks her gun and hides it under her crib mattress]
Homer: It's time to go check on Maggie.
Marge: Isn't she sweet? She's probably thinking of the day that she shot Mr Burns.
Homer: Yeah.

Bart: Can I have a beer?
Homer: All right, but not the imported.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: You've got to set limits, Marge.


"The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (#18.18)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: Homer, what took you so long? The game's almost over!
Homer Simpson: I got hung up at the snack stand watching those hotdogs: rolling, and turning, not a care in the world...
[to hotdog]
Homer Simpson: No more lazy Saturdays for you!
[eats it]

Marge Simpson: I need a dress to wear for my son's big game. He's the star. I'm his mom. And he's my son!

Marge Simpson: All this time, I thought that billboard was to attract small businesses.
[Points to a billboard reading "Springfield: Meanest City in America"]
Marge Simpson: But now I know it's the truth!


"The Simpsons: Burns' Heir (#5.18)" (1994)
[the Simpsons hire Lionel Hutz - also advertising "expert shoe repair" to represent them in a custody battle with Burns over Bart]
Judge Snyder: [bangs gavel] The Court rules in favor of Mr. Burns. I find he is clearly the boy's biological father!
Lionel Hutz: [hammers a nail] Excuse me, Judge, these won't be ready until Thursday.
Marge Simpson: [to Homer] You know, we've really got to stop hiring him.

Deprogrammer: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.
Marge Simpson: Are you sure you can get him back for us?
Deprogrammer: Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
Marge Simpson: What about Peter Fonda?
Deprogrammer: Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.
Homer: You idiot! He was the most talented one.

[Marge fantasizes about Bart graduating from Harvard; at the commencement, Lee Majors appears next to her in the crowd]
Lee Majors: Marge, I'm Lee Majors. Would you come away with me?
Marge Simpson: Um... sure.
[Lee takes her in his arms, and they lift off into the sky, accompanied by a sound effect from "The Six Million Dollar Man."]
Marge Simpson: [opens her eyes] I've got to stop fantasizing about Lee Majors... oh, one more time.
[She closes her eyes, and the sound effect is heard again]


"The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (#2.11)" (1991)
Marge: Hmm, there is that new sushi restaurant on Elm Street.
Bart: Sushi? Hey, maybe this is just one of those things you hear on the playground, but isn't that raw fish?
Lisa: As usual, the playground has the facts right, but misses the point entirely.

Marge Simpson: I wrote a poem for you this afternoon, Homer. It's called "To a Husband".
Homer Simpson: Okay, okay.
Marge Simpson: The blackened clouds are forming.
Homer Simpson: Oh, give me a break, Marge.
Marge Simpson: Soon the rain will fall. My dear one is departing. But first, please heed this call. That always will I love you, my one, my love, my all.
Marge Simpson: That was beautiful.
[they hold hands and kiss]

Lisa: [sighs] Thursday, meatloaf night. As it was, is now, and ever shall be.
Homer: What are you getting at?
Lisa: Well, you're always trying to teach me to be open-minded, try new things, live life to...
Homer: What are you talking about? Nobody's trying to teach you that!
[he squirts ketchup onto his meatloaf, which makes farting noise. Bart laughs]
Homer: Shut up, boy.
Marge: Well, maybe Lisa's right. Tomorrow night it might be nice to go out for dinner.
Homer: Tomorrow night? Friday? Pork chop night? Marge! We haven't missed pork chop night since the great big scare in '87!
Lisa: [sighs] Friday night, pork chops. From cradle to grave, etched in stone in God's library somewhere up in heaven...
Homer: OK, OK, OK. Where do you want to go?
Lisa: Anywhere but hamburgers, pizza or fried chicken!
Homer: Fine, we'll go to Mars!


"The Simpsons: What Animated Women Want (#24.17)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: You know how in the Special Olympics they give out medals just for showing up?
Marge Simpson: How many times have I told you to stop comparing our relationship to the Special Olympics?

Homer Simpson: [Caught inside a bondage device] Quick, call the Proctor & Gamble help line!
Marge Simpson: Boy, they make everything nowadays.

Marge Simpson: I'm tired of your broken promises. "I'll fix it tomorrow." "I'll be home at 8:00 PM." "I'll be home at 8:00 AM." "I'll take you on the most romantic dinner of your life." Well, I'm through with your excuses!
Homer Simpson: Marge was so happy when I made those promises. What changed?


"The Simpsons: Whiskey Business (#24.19)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: You want to erase the 2009 Oscar red carpet? But they had some amazing dresses, along with a few disasters!
Marge Simpson: Fine, then what should I erase?
Homer Simpson: I don't know, but hands off my Hoarders, don't erase any of my episodes of Episodes, and if you erase any of my episodes of Revenge...

Marge Simpson: While we're away, Grampa is going to take care of you.
Abraham Simpson: [Giving baby food to the mailbox] You sure are a good eater, Maggie.
Marge Simpson: Bart, you take care of Grampa.

Moe Szyslak: Without my magic suit, I'm nothin'.
Marge Simpson: Moe, have you ever heard the story of Dumbo the elephant?
Moe Szyslak: I didn't go to the movies much as a child. I worked at a pierogi factory. Stick in the potato, fold in the dough, that was my Star Wars.
Marge Simpson: Dumbo had a magic feather that made him fly, but then he found out that the feather wasn't magic. The magic was inside him all along.
Lisa Simpson: Let me get this straight: Moe is Dumbo, the whiskey is Dumbo's ears, and we're that bunch of racist crows?
Homer Simpson: Honey, the crows weren't racist. The people who drew them were.


"The Simpsons: A Milhouse Divided (#8.6)" (1996)
Marge: I can't help but feel this is all my fault. It was those North Korean fortune cookies - they were so insulting. "You are a coward." Nobody wants to hear that after a nice meal.
Homer: Marge, you can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, then move on.

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Marge: The only thing I asked you to do for this party was put on clothes, and you didn't do it.


"The Simpsons: The Devil Wears Nada (#21.5)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: Quit dragging me! When you're older, I'm gonna drag you around and buy you clothes!
Marge Simpson: Oh, that would be very nice.
Bart Simpson: D'oh!

Marge Simpson: Where are you kids going? I told you we were having dinner with the Flanderses.
Lisa Simpson: Sorry, mom, but I'm going to a slumber party at Janie's.
Bart Simpson: And I'm going to a stink bomb party at the house next to Janie's. No relation.

Photographer: Now, who's my next sexy historical lady?
Marge Simpson: I am. The Tiger Woods of the 1930s, Babe Didrikson Zaharias.
Photographer: Honey, I'm gonna need more "Babe" and less "Didrikson Zaharias".
Marge Simpson: All right then, I'll take off one glove.


"The Simpsons: E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) (#11.5)" (1999)
Marge: Is that plutonium on your gums?
Homer: Shut up and kiss me!

Bart: I'll dig an outhouse.
Lisa: I'll weed the floor.
Marge: I'll repress the rage I'm feeling!

[observing the farm's green glow after Homer put plutonium on it]
Marge: It's eerily beautiful. Are you sure it's safe?
Homer: You know what they say - sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
Marge: Where'd you get that from?
Homer: From the producers of "Waiting To Exhale".


"The Simpsons: Pay Pal (#25.21)" (2014)
Marge Simpson: Why can't you just watch Captain Kangaroo?
Bart Simpson: Culture's in decline. Deal with it.

Marge Simpson: Lisa's okay with not having friends? That's the saddest thing a daughter could say to her mother.
Bart Simpson: I can think of something sadder. The saddest thing would be if Mom and Lisa were texting while driving and Mom hit Lisa, and Lisa's last text was "I got the message." Good night.

Lisa Simpson: I'm gonna tell every therapist I go to what you did.
Marge Simpson: Oh, my God. Every mother's greatest fear!
[Starts crying]
Lisa Simpson: [Thinking] I made mom cry. What unimaginable power. I can make mom do anything I want, but what I want now is for mom to stop crying!


"The Simpsons: Homer Badman (#6.9)" (1994)
Marge: Will you stop saying gummy so much?

Marge: Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on her sweet can. I grab her sweet can. Oh, just thinking about her can. I just wish I had her sweet, sweet, s-s-s-sweeet can.

Marge: Homer, hasn't this experience taught you that you can't believe everything you hear?
Homer: Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing.


"The Simpsons: The Way We Was (#2.12)" (1991)
Marge Simpson: [Marge leaves the dance room and sees Homer sitting on the stairs crying heavily. She walks up to him] Homer?
Homer: [He sniffles and looks up at her] What?
Marge Simpson: [She sits down beside him] Why are you doing this? Why can't you accept that I'm here with someone else?
Homer: [Sniffles; his voice breaks as he talks] Because I'm... sure we were meant to be together. Usually when I have a thought, there's a lot of *other* thoughts in there... some things says, yes, some things says, no... But this time, there's only yes!
[Cries as he talks]
Homer: How can the only thing I've ever been sure about in my life be wrong?
Marge Simpson: [Looks down] Hm... I don't know... But it is.
[Walks away]

Marge Simpson: Why so glum?
Homer: [sigh] I got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you. And kiss you. And I'll never be able to let you go.
Homer: [Flashes back to the present] And I never have

Homer: You wanna go out with me?
Marge Simpson: Um, I don't think you're my type
Homer: You see the problem is you don't know me. I have references. Just ask Coach Flannigan and Mr Seckofsky. And Barney Gumble.
Marge Simpson: Hmmmm I don't know
Homer: Look, I'm not asking you to like me. I'm not asking you to put yourself in a position where I can touch your goodies. I'm just asking you to be fair


"The Simpsons: Blame It on Lisa (#13.15)" (2002)
Marge Simpson: Can we have another baby?
Homer Simpson: No way! I still haven't lost the weight I put on from the last one.

Marge Simpson: It's awfully expensive to fly to Brazil.
Lisa Simpson: Not if we buy our tickets on the internet. It's really cheap if we change planes in Phoenix, Honolulu, Sun City, and East St. Louis, spend the night in a haunted house, and leave right now.
Homer Simpson: Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Brazil.
Bart Simpson: And I'll have been on every continent.
Lisa Simpson: Except Antarctica.
Homer Simpson: Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Antarctica.
[brief pause]
Homer Simpson: Next year. This year, Brazil.

Lisa: I'm trying to call Janey, but I can't get a dial tone.
Marge: Your father refuses to pay the bill, so the company cut our phone lines.
Lisa: [sighs] Why must you fight every utility?
Homer: [annoyed] I told you, I have too much free time.


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Patty and Selma (#6.17)" (1995)
Lisa: How's dad today?
Marge: Not too good, Lisa. Frankly, he's under the table.

Marge: Try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
Homer: Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes! Yes, I will hug and kiss some poisonous *snakes*!
[pause]
Homer: Now that's sarcasm.

Homer: God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert.
Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.


"The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie (#4.6)" (1992)
Marge: Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!
Homer: *Now* who's being naive?

Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza.
Homer: Oh, no. I'm not making two stops.

Marge: Homer, I'd like to talk to you.
Homer: But then I won't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in.


"The Simpsons: The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (#8.11)" (1997)
Marge Simpson: Look at them! They've jumped on the one franchise I might have considered thinking about possibly becoming interested in.

Marge Simpson: [Marge's pretzel business is going nowhere]
[Marge despondently looks at a poster of a cat barely hanging to a tree branch]
Marge Simpson: Hang in there, baby. You said it, kitty.
[reads the small print]
Marge Simpson: "Copyright 1968." Hmmm. Determined or not, that cat must be long dead. That's kind of a downer.

Fat Tony: Sorry we're late. Can we have the money now?
Marge Simpson: The answer is no.
Fat Tony: I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my wife she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies. "Where is the money?" "When are you going to get the money?" "Why aren't you getting the money now?" And so on.
[moving forward menacingly]
Fat Tony: So please, the money.


"The Simpsons: Marge Gets a Job (#4.7)" (1992)
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is exactly what I need to help rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning.
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.

Mr. Burns: You're fired!
Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married! I'm gonna sue the pants off you!
Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.

Marge: [loveingly] Oh Monty! You're the devil himself
Mr. Burns: [shouting] Who told yo...
[realises]
Mr. Burns: oh, and I would say you are an angel, but angels don't dance that well


"The Simpsons: Marge on the Lam (#5.6)" (1993)
Marge Simpson: Homer, please, you know how hard it is for me to make friends.
[Flashback: Marge is seated in the living room, having tea with a group of ladies, laughing]
Marge's Friend: Oh Marge, we should do this every week.
[Homer runs in wearing Bermuda shorts and a "NO FAT CHICKS" t-shirt and carrying a skunk]
Homer: Marge, I got sprayed by this skunk!
[splutters]
Homer: Oh look, it's doing it again!
[screaming, the women scatter]

Ruth Powers: I envy you and Homer.
Marge Simpson: Thank you!
[pause]
Marge Simpson: Why?
Ruth Powers: If you met my ex-husband you'd know. All he did was sit around, watch TV and drink beer.
Marge Simpson: Your point being...?

[Ruth arrives to pick up Marge, driving a convertible and wearing a leather jacket]
Marge Simpson: You look... nice.
Ruth Powers: Tonight has nothing to do with nice, Marge. Tonight is all about...
[she pops a tape into the stereo: Lesley Gore's "Sunshine, Lollipops..." starts playing]
Ruth Powers: Oh, sorry, Marge, wrong tape.
[she pops another tape in: Guns 'N Roses's "Welcome to the Jungle" blares, and she floors it]


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Rival (#6.2)" (1994)
[Lisa fears a new girl in school is more talented than she]
Marge: Believe me, honey. She's more scared of you than you are of her.
Lisa: You're thinking of bears, mom.

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

Homer: Oh yeah, Marge? You said I wouldn't make any money. Well, I made a dollar while waiting for the bus.
Marge: While you were out making that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. And the plant called and said that if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: WOOHOO! Four day weekend.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Vigilante (#5.11)" (1994)
Lisa Simpson: Dad! There was a burglar, and he took my saxophone!
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
Bart Simpson: And our portable TV!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Marge Simpson: He also took my pearl necklace.
Homer Simpson: Eh, that's no big loss.
Marge Simpson: Homer, that neckless was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom!
Homer Simpson: You've probably got a whole drawer full of those things.
Marge Simpson: [Opens a drawer, pulls out a ball made of identical necklaces, removes one from the ball and puts it on] Well, yes I do. But they're all heirlooms too.

Marge Simpson: Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat Burglar?
Lisa Simpson: And I still don't have my saxophone.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back. But we've also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination...
Lisa Simpson: World domination?
Homer Simpson: Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo.
[thinks]
Homer Simpson: Mental note: the girl knows too much.

Homer Simpson: All right: these are our new family security rules. Be home before dark, and make sure you're not followed. Lock all doors and windows.
Marge Simpson: And don't take candy from strangers.
Homer Simpson: Marge, they're only human!


"The Simpsons: Bart the Genius (#1.2)" (1990)
[playing Scrabble]
Bart: Kwyjibo: K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points. Plus, triple-word score, plus fifty points for using all my letters... Game's over, I'm outta here.
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere 'til you tell me what a Kwyjibo is.
Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh, a big dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big dumb balding ape!
Bart: Uh oh, Kwyjibo on the loose!

Homer: Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of these.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.

Lisa Simpson: Yeah mom, hurry up!
Marge: Alright, hmm how about, he? Two points. Your turn dear.
Homer: Hmmm, how could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters?
[camera pans down to show the word oxidize]
Homer: Oh wait, here's a good one, do.
Lisa Simpson: [Lisa places an I on top of the D in do] Id triple word score!
Homer: Hey, no abbreviations.
Lisa Simpson: Not I.D. dad id! It's a word!
Bart: As in this game is stupid.
Homer: Hey, shut up boy.
Lisa Simpson: Yeah Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities for your big aptitude test tomorrow.
Marge: We could look this id thing up in the dictionary.
Homer: We've got one?
Marge: I think it's under the short leg of the couch.
[Homer lifts up couch and gives the dictionary to Lisa]
Lisa Simpson: Id, along with the ego and the superego one of three components of the psyche.
Homer: Get out of here!
Bart: My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters! Game's over I'm outta here.


"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: Oh, hi, kids. You're just in time to go to the dentist.
Bart Simpson: Dentist? You said we were going dirt biking through the cementery.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, Bart. You keep falling for that one every six months.
Homer Simpson: [Carrying a dirt bike] Check it out, suckers! Marge is taking me dirt biking through the cementery.
Lisa Simpson: No, dad. You're going to the dentist too.
Homer Simpson: "Why the cementery?", I wondered, but my dreams were too strong.

Marge Simpson: I'm gonna have to run, but I don't have time to stretch my quads.
[running]
Marge Simpson: My quads! Each stride is a nightmare!

Marge Simpson: Don't you just love that fresh mouth feeling?
Homer Simpson: Who wants ice-cream?
Bart Simpson: I can't wait to get the freshness out of my mouth.
Homer Simpson: I'm gonna glue my mouth shut with butterscotch.
Marge Simpson: [weakly] Oh, yay.


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Lisa and the Eighth Commandment (#2.13)" (1991)
Homer: Family, gather round, I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable.
Bart, Lisa: Cable?
Bart: All right.
Homer: That's right, sixty-eight channels, MTV for the kids, VH1 for us, sixteen hours of quality programming a day.
Marge: I don't know, Homer, we've discussed cable before. Do you really think we can afford this?
Homer: Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can afford it.
Marge: Mmmm, are you sure this is legal?
Homer: Relax, Marge. Read this.
[Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So You've Decided To Steal Cable"]
Marge: "Myth: it's wrong to view quality motion pictures for free. Fact: most movies that air on cable rate two stars or lower and are repeated ad nauseam." I don't know...

Marge: So, what did you children learn about today?
Bart: Hell.
Homer: Bart!
Bart: What? That's what we learned about. I'm sure as *hell* can't tell you we learned about *hell* unless I say *hell*, can I?
Homer: The lad's got a point.
Bart: Hell, yes!
Marge: Bart!
Bart: Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell!
Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school. Don't swear.

[after Lisa runs screaming out of the room]
Marge: What's gotten into her?
Bart: Beats the hell out of me.
Homer: Bart!


"The Simpsons: Marge Gamer (#18.17)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: How could you kill your own mother?
Bart Simpson: It was just a game. A game I was enjoying it until you mommed all over it.

Marge Simpson: And all this time I thought Googling yourself meant the other thing.

Marge Simpson: Kids, what are you doing up so late?
Lisa Simpson: We just got up. It's 7:30 AM.
Marge Simpson: I played on the computer all night?
Bart Simpson: Actually, it's Saturday.
Marge Simpson: I played a day and an night?
Lisa Simpson: Bart, it's not Saturday.
Bart Simpson: Shh!


"The Simpsons: Simpsorama (#26.6)" (2014)
Marge Simpson: [thinking] Don't mention her eye, don't mention her eye.
Turanga Leela: [thinking] Don't mention her hair, don't mention her hair.
Marge Simpson: Eye... am so pleased to meet you.
Turanga Leela: Nice to be hair!

Lisa Simpson: All we have to do is dig up the time capsule!
Turanga Leela: And bury Bart in the hole!
Marge Simpson: I thought people in the future would be more full of peace and love. Like in Epcot Center.
Turanga Leela: In our time, Epcot Center is a work farm for the weak.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, but it's not as crowded as the slave-labor camps at Universal Studios.
Marge Simpson: Hmmm...

Marge Simpson: What was that?
Lisa Simpson: Probably another piece of America's space junk falling out of orbit.
Bart Simpson: Anyone remember when this country didn't suck? Cause I don't.


"The Simpsons: The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (#8.25)" (1997)
Marge Simpson: Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of a semester.
The Commandant: Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks.
Bart Simpson: "Freak-outs?"

[the Simpsons pass a literature class at the academy]
Cadet in Poetry Class: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
Lisa: They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school.
Poetry Instructor: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?
Marge Simpson: Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

[Bart's latest prank has shattered windows all over the city]
Homer Simpson: [shouting] You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
Lisa: [shouting] When do you expect the ringing will stop?
Chief Wiggum: [checking his watch, shouting] In about ten to fifteen seconds!
Marge Simpson: [shouting] I certainly hope-!
[ringing stops]
Marge Simpson: -so!
[covers her mouth, embarrassed; normal voice]
Marge Simpson: That's better.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VIII (#9.4)" (1997)
Patty: So you've finally left Derwood?
Marge Simpson: His name is Homer.

[after seen three woman burn at the stake]
Marge Simpson: How horrible!
Lisa Simpson: If they're really witches, why don't they use their powers to escape!
Homer Simpson: That sounds like witch talk to me, Lisa.
Lisa Simpson: Never mind.

Homer Simpson: Well, we were lucky this time. But it's all too clear that some things in this universe... aren't meant to be trifled with.
[Homer pulls up an axe]
Marge Simpson: Homer, what are you doing?
Homer Simpson: Something I should have done a long time ago.
[now turns on Bart with his axe]
Homer Simpson: I'll teach you to mess with my machine!
[Bart begins screaming and running while Homer chase him]
Homer Simpson: I'm gonna chop you good! That cost me 35 cents! You're just making it worse! I promise I won't hurt you!


"The Simpsons: Bart the Lover (#3.16)" (1992)
[Writing a farewell love letter to Mrs. Krabappel]
Bart Simpson: How about, "an alligator bit off my face."
Marge Simpson: That's disgusting! And besides, if a woman really loves a man, she doesn't care if an alligator bites off his face.
Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge.

[Writing a farewell letter to Mrs. Krabappel]
Homer: Three simple words: "I am gay."
Marge Simpson: Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that in!

Lisa Simpson: Now we need to find a way to end it.
Homer: How about, "with a love that will echo through the ages..."
Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson: Awww...
Bart Simpson: Homer, you old honey dripper!


"The Simpsons: The Bart of War (#14.21)" (2003)
Apu Nahasapeemapetalong: Pre teen braves? Is this another one of those community youth groups that inhibit the culture of those you invaded and destroyed?
Marge Simpson: Exactly the pre teen braves

Marge Simpson: [a riot is occurring in Duff Stadium] All I wanted was to glue feathers on felt and teach the boys good citizenship
[she starts to cry and the cameraman turns the camera to her]
Homer Simpson: [Seeing her crying on the stadium screen] That's my wife and she's crying!
Groundskeeper Willie: Dry your tears lass
Otto Mann: Then show us your boobs
Drederick Tatum: [after repeatedly punching Moe] Dear God, why are we fighting?
Others: I ain't doing any fighting

Lisa Simpson: I don't think Dad is properly portraying the Native American lifestyle
Marge Simpson: Yeah Indians don't sit around watching TV and drinking beer.


"The Simpsons: The Color Yellow (#21.13)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: I can't believe the Simpsons were descended from slave owners.
Homer Simpson: Me neither. For once, a Simpson in management.
Marge Simpson: Homer!

Hiram Simpson: What's for dinner tonight?
Mabel Simpson: Possum.
Hiram Simpson: Again? Why can't we ever have opossum?
Mabel Simpson: Not on your salary.
Hiram Simpson: I can't believe I buttoned my britches for this.

Marge Simpson: Bart, what are you going to do for Black History Month?
Homer Simpson: I know, you could march to Selma, and tell her she's ugly.


"The Simpsons: Waverly Hills 9-0-2-1-D'oh (#20.19)" (2009)
Marge Simpson: This is your first day at a new school. Lisa, have fun. Bart, don't.

Marge Simpson: I love tapas. They're like appetizers for a meal that never comes.

Marge Simpson: The bottle label is all in lowercase. It's like I'm drinking e.e. cummings.


"The Simpsons: Dead Putting Society (#2.6)" (1990)
Marge Simpson: Homer, I'm a little worried that you're getting too caught up in this silly golf tournament.
Homer: But Marge, this is our big chance to show up the Flanderses!
Marge Simpson: Well, I'm sure it is, but why would we want to do that?
Homer: Because sometimes the only way for a person to feel good about himself is to make someone else look bad! And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.
Marge Simpson: Mmmm...

[Homer is reading Ned Flander's letter]
Homer: You are my brother.
[Homer, Bart, and Lisa laugh]
Homer: I love you.
[They laugh again]
Homer: And yet, I feel a great deal of sadness in my buzzom.
[They're hysterically laughing]
Homer: Wait, there's more.
[the others laugh again]
Marge Simpson: I think that's terrible. A man opens his heart and you made fun of him.
[Marge walks away to laugh at Flanders]

Marge Simpson: Homer, I couldn't help overhearing you warp Bart's mind...


"The Simpsons: How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window? (#22.7)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: Me, the patriarch of a pigeon-racing dynasty.
[Thought bubble shows Homer with trophy; Danica Patrick appears]
Danica Patrick: Congratulations, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Danica Patrick in my thoughts?
Danica Patrick: That's right, Homer. I'm contractually obligated by my sponsors to appear in random fan's fantasies. Better not tell Marge about it.
Marge Simpson: You brickyard bimbo!
[They fight; the thought bubble fades]
Homer Simpson: I ended that a little too soon.
[Thought bubble reappears with Danica and Marge beating up Homer]
Homer Simpson: What they don't suspect is that I'm into this.

Marge Simpson: A doctor who treats kids and pets?
Dr. Thurmond: Hey, in this economy I'll even remove tattoos.
Homer Simpson: Can you remove my tramp stamp? I got the idea from watching a show where people regret these.

Homer Simpson: Listen to the man, Marge. He pays Bart's salary.
Marge Simpson: No, he doesn't.
Homer Simpson: Why don't you ever support my gibberish? I'd do it if you were stupid.


"The Simpsons: Stealing First Base (#21.15)" (2010)
Principal Skinner: [On a school skit] I'm Bart Simpson, disruptive fourth grader.
Homer Simpson: I've finally caught one of Bart's plays.
Marge Simpson: That's not Bart, that's Principal Skinner. Bart's sitting right next to you.
Homer Simpson: Oh, now that I look closer, that guy can't fool anybody.
Principal Skinner: Shut up, fatso.
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[Runs onstage and strangles Skinner]

Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs Simpson, these are Brody and Madison McKenna. Their daughter is on Bart's class.
Brody McKenna: Mr. Simpson, your son engaged in unwanted mouth contact with our daughter.
Marge Simpson: They kissed?
Madison McKenna: On the slide.
Homer Simpson: That's all that happened, and I got to miss a day of work? Thank you!
Madison McKenna: Mr. Simpson, I'm a high-class lawyer, and my husband is a district attorney, and we're not happy.
Homer Simpson: Maybe you should get easier jobs.

Marge Simpson: You told him to kiss her? Why didn't you just tell him to hit her over the head with a club and drag her to a cave?
Grampa Simpson: You mean second base? He's a little young for that.


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Vegetarian (#7.5)" (1995)
Lisa: I never realized before, but some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons send the message that violence against animals is funny.
Bart: They what? Cartoons don't have messages, Lisa.
[moves toward door]
Bart: They're just a bunch of hilarious stuff you know, like people getting hurt and stuff, stuff like that.
[Bart gets slammed behind the door by Homer]
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [reading the invitation] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't you have some other type of party, one where you don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat?'. I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
Bart: [musically] You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
Bart, Homer: You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
Bart, Homer, Marge: You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
Lisa: Mom!
Marge: I don't mean to take sides, I just got caught up in the rhythm.

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad?
Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you! You barbeque-wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
Lisa: That's IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore. I am out of here!
[leaves and slams the door]
Homer: That's it! Go to your room!

[Lisa has stolen the rotisserie pig from Homer's barbeque]
Marge: Bart! No!
Bart: [Bart has done nothing] What?
Marge: Sorry, force of habit. Lisa! No!


"The Simpsons: Barting Over (#14.11)" (2003)
Marge Simpson: I can't count how many times your father's done something crazy like this.
Lisa Simpson: It's 300, Mom.
Marge Simpson: I could have sworn it was 302.
Lisa Simpson: Shhh!

Marge Simpson: [notices Homeless guy] Here's 5 dollars, go buy yourself a suit.
Bum: [takes the money] Yeh I'll buy a suit... OF DRUGS! MUHAHAHA

Marge: I can't even think of how many times your father has done something crazy.
Lisa: WAIT A MINUTE.
[pulls out a timekeeper]
Lisa: Yup, 300 times.


"The Simpsons: $pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (#5.10)" (1993)
Homer: Well, that's nothing because you have a gambling problem!
Marge: Homer! When you forgive someone you don't rub it in!

Homer: [Ranting loudly] YURGIDDAFURDARATAARA.
Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down.
Homer: [Calmly and slowly] Yurgiddafurdarataara.
Marge: Think before you say each word.
Homer: You broke a promise to your child.

[Lisa has to dress up as a state for the school pageant]
Marge: Well, in honor of legalized gambling, why don't you go as Nevada?
Lisa: No, Nevada makes my butt look big.


"The Simpsons: Homer Loves Flanders (#5.16)" (1994)
Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick...
Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but...
[bites]
Homer: Mmm, sacrilicious.

[Bart pulls two tickets out of his pockets]
Bart Simpson: Hey dad, sell you these for fifty bucks!
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! Sold!
[without a second thought, pulls out fifty dollars, hands it to Bart and takes his tickets. Bart happily runs out of the house]
Marge Simpson: Those aren't tickets to the game, Homer.
Homer Simpson: What do you mean? It says right here: "Free wig with every purchase of large wig. Downtown Wig Center."
[realizing he's been had]
Homer Simpson: Why, you little... !
[ponders]
Homer Simpson: Hmm, "free wig."
[imagines putting on Marge-type wig and humming]
Homer Simpson: [in Marge voice] I love you, Homie. Hmm.
[in normal voice]
Homer Simpson: Heh heh heh. I don't need her at all anymore.

Marge: [regarding a waffle on the ceiling] Homer, that's not God, that's a waffle.
Homer: [eats it] Mmm, sacrelicious.


"The Simpsons: There's No Disgrace Like Home (#1.4)" (1990)
Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.

Homer: To save this family, we're going to have to make the ultimate sacrifice...
[cut to Homer heading to a pawnshop, with his family surrounding him in agitation]
Lisa: No, Dad! Please don't sell the TV!
Marge: Couldn't I pawn my wedding ring instead?
Homer: I appreciate it, honey, but we're talking $250 here!

Bart: Hey, check out this house! It's a dump!
Homer: [chuckles] Yeah, and can you believe I stepped on the owner's garden bushes!
Marge: Homer, this is our house!
Homer: D'oh!


"The Simpsons: Coming to Homerica (#20.21)" (2009)
Marge Simpson: Look, Maggie. We have a nanny, just like Joe Piscopo and Ethan Hawke left their wives for.

Marge Simpson: You lost your job?
Homer Simpson: It's not my fault! Those barleyjacks filled me up with their liqueurs and liquors, but mostly the liqueurs.

Bart Simpson: Mom says I can have ice cream for breakfast. Oh, she's still here. Mom, can I have ice cream for breakfast?
Marge Simpson: No way, mister! It's just chocolate chip pancakes and syrup for you.


"The Simpsons: Team Homer (#7.12)" (1996)
[after getting school uniforms]
Bart: These uniforms suck.
Marge: Bart, where did you pick up words like that?
Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening.
Bart, Lisa: We are not wiener kids!
Homer: Then why are you wearing those dorky uniforms? Hmm...

Marge: [Reading] Due to the unscheduled trip to the autowrecking yard the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. Note by reading this letter out loud you have waived any responsibility on our part in perpituity throughout the known universe?
[Groaning]

Marge: Those magazines create a dangerous amount of laughter.


"The Simpsons: The Crepes of Wrath (#1.11)" (1990)
[Marge and Lisa come home, and find Homer lying on his back, unable to move]
Marge Simpson: Homer! What happened?
Homer Simpson: The boy... bring me the boy.

Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion is going to do it. I think it behooves us all to consider... deportation.
Marge Simpson: Deportation? You mean kick Bart out of the country?
Homer Simpson: Hear him out, Marge.

Marge Simpson: Homer, I'd love a glass of that wine Bart brought us.
Homer Simpson: [grunting] Sorry, Marge. Some wiseguy stuck a cork in the bottle.
Bart Simpson: Oh, mon pere. Quel boufou!
[translated, "My father. What a buffoon!"]
Homer Simpson: You hear that, Marge? My boy speaks French!


"The Simpsons: Crook and Ladder (#18.19)" (2007)
Lisa: Why do you listen to this magazine? It's a Larry Flint publication.
Marge: Lisa, stop reading mastheads.
Lisa: I can't. I won't!

Homer: Marge, when next you see me, I'll be a soggy, smokey hero. Mmm. Soggy, smokey hero.
Marge: Just come back alive, okay?
Homer: Don't tell me how to do my job.

Marge: I'm sorry, Maggie, but growing up means giving up the things you love.
Grampa: It's true. I had to give up everything but raisins, and the doctor says even those are killing me. Sweet, plump coffin nails they are.


"The Simpsons: Monty Can't Buy Me Love (#10.21)" (1999)
Marge Simpson: When was the last time we went for a good old-fashioned family walk?
Homer Simpson: Well, we stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry.
Marge Simpson: Oh, come on. Let's go for a walk. This family is getting so lazy.
Bart Simpson: I'm not lazy. I'm just... um, uh. Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Lisa Simpson: Why don't you finish your own darn...
[snores]

Marge Simpson: All this commotion just for a store?
Homer Simpson: Hey, it's not just a store, it's a megastore. Mega means good, and store means thing.

Marge: And our kids are getting lazy.
Bart: I'm not lazy, I'm... hey, Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Lisa: Why don't you finish your own darn...
[falls asleep, falls off couch]


"The Simpsons: Brake My Wife, Please (#14.20)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: Let's go for a nice family walk around the block.
Lisa Simpson: I want to amble.
Bart Simpson: I want to saunter.
Lisa Simpson: Amble!
Bart Simpson: Saunter!
Lisa Simpson: Amble!
Bart Simpson: Saunter!
Marge Simpson: Stop saying things!

Marge Simpson: I guess I'll have to do all your driving chores. That's what a good wife does, picks up the slack.
Homer Simpson: That reminds me, we gotta pick up my slacks at that dry cleaner in Shelbyville.
Marge Simpson: Why can't you use the local dry cleaner?
Homer Simpson: I didn't want them to know my size!

[Marge drives Homer, Carl and Lenny home from a strip club]
Lenny Leonard: Can we stop for ice cream?
Carl Carlson: Homer always stops for ice cream.
Marge Simpson: We'll see.
Lenny Leonard: That always means no.


"The Simpsons: The Otto Show (#3.22)" (1992)
[Bart is trying to convince Marge and Homer to let Otto live in their garage]
Marge: Well, Homer, doesn't the Bible say, "Whatsoever you do unto even the least of my brothers, that you do unto me?"
Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut?"

Homer: That guy has gotta go!
Marge: Hmm, I know how you feel. But he is good with the kids.
[pan upward to Lisa's room, where Otto is telling her a bedtime story by candlelight]
Otto: So the lady drove faster, but the strange car kept banging into her from behind...
[Lisa gasps]
Otto: So she swerved off the road into the woods, and lost the other car. And then, she realized that the man in the other car wasn't trying to hurt her. No, he was trying to warn her... about the ax-wielding maniac hiding in her back seat!
Lisa Simpson: Did the maniac kill her?
Otto: Natch! And you know how I know?
Lisa Simpson: How?
Otto: Because... *I* was that maniac.
[Lisa's scream shakes the whole house]
Otto: [hastily] I was just kidding!

Otto: There's plenty of opportunities out there for someone who knows how to fake his own death!
Marge: Well before you do that why don't you try and get your license back?
Otto: I tried! Oh how I did try.


"The Simpsons: Marge Be Not Proud (#7.11)" (1995)
Bart Simpson: Buy me "Bonestorm" or go to hell!
Marge Simpson: Bart!
Homer Simpson: Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please".
Bart Simpson: It's the coolest video game ever!
Marge Simpson: I'm sorry, honey, but those games cost up to and including $70. And they're violent, and they distract you from your schoolwork.
Bart Simpson: Those are all good points, but the problem is, they don't result in me getting the game.
Homer Simpson: I know how you feel, Bart. When I was your age, I wanted an electric football game more than anything in the world. And my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life.
[pause]
Homer Simpson: Well, good night.

Marge: Well if loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame.

Don Brodka: [Jabbing his finger in Bart's chest] I thought I told you, don't return for busted merchandise.
Homer Simpson: What are you doing to my son?
Don Brodka: I'm afraid your son broke the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not steal.
Marge Simpson: That's crazy. Bart's not a shoplifter, he's just a little boy.
Don Brodka: Oh, sure, now he's just a little boy stealing little toys. But someday, he'll be a grown man stealing stadiums and - and quarries.
Marge Simpson: My son may not be perfect, but I know in my heart he's not a shoplifter.


"The Simpsons: The Joy of Sect (#9.13)" (1998)
Fox TV announcer: You are watching Fox.
Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: [all in a trance] We are watching Fox.

Homer: I've joined the Movementarians, Marge.
Marge: You WHAT?
Homer: I've joined the Movementarians. And so have all of you.
Marge: We WHAT?
Homer: All I had to give them was our life savings, the deed to our house, and a commitment of 10 trillion years of labor.
Marge: I can't go along with this, Homer.
Homer: Marge, when I join an underground cult, I expect a little support from my family.
Lisa: Do you think you might have been brainwashed, Dad?
Homer: I haven't been brainwashed.
[Goes glassy eyed]
Homer: Kill the girl. Kill the girl.

Homer: And to think I turned to a cult for mindless happiness when I had beer all along.
Marge: Mmmmm...
Homer: And you, Marge, the bringer of beer.


"The Simpsons: Moe Letter Blues (#21.21)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: So, you were saying something?
Marge Simpson: Why do I waste my breath?
Homer Simpson: Sorry, honey. I wasn't listening, and I won't be listening now.

Marge Simpson: I'm still mad at you for last night.
Homer Simpson: Today's the first, so that was last month, which means you're being ridiculous.


"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Nelson Muntz: [after the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon ends] That stunk.
Homer: Well, what did everybody think?
[everyone starts leaving in disgust]
Ned Flanders: Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy & Chimpy I've ever seen.
Carl: Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... got a beautiful home here.
Homer: [to the rest of the Simpson family] So it was pretty okay, huh?
Bart Simpson: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner
Marge Simpson: Yes, we can.
[Marge, Bart and Lisa run upstairs]

Marge Simpson: It's not your fault, Homer. It's those lousy writers. They make me madder than a... yak in heat.


"The Simpsons: Mona Leaves-a (#19.19)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: Maggie's thing? She won't even remember it.
Marge Simpson: You never remember the nice things we do for you.
Bart Simpson: Like what?
Marge Simpson: Food.
Bart Simpson: Pass!
Marge Simpson: Shelter.
Bart Simpson: That dump?
Marge Simpson: Clothing.
Bart Simpson: I wouldn't blow my nose on this!
[takes off sweater and throws it in the trash]

Lisa Simpson: I want a poodle!
Marge Simpson: I'd stay away from poodles. They give the dog... ideas.


"The Simpsons: Stop or My Dog Will Shoot (#18.20)" (2007)
Homer: I'm lost, and I'm hungry!
Marge Simpson: Eat some corn!
Homer: I don't have any holders!

Marge Simpson: [Homer is being strangled by Bart's pet snake] Homer! Can you breathe!
Homer: Well... I can breathe... OUT okay!


"The Simpsons: The Telltale Head (#1.8)" (1990)
Bart: It's just a statue.
Marge Simpson: It's the statue of the trailblazing founder of our town!
Lisa Simpson: It's a symbol of what we can all do if we put our minds to it!
Homer Simpson: Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?

Marge Simpson: Bart, assume the position!
[Bart stands against a wall while Marge frisks him to see if he's concealing anything while at Sunday school, finding a slingshot and a comic book]


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIII (#24.2)" (2012)
Marge Simpson: Quit bageling my English muffin!

Marge Simpson: [to a group of Homer's descendants] I just realized I married the wrong man. I was meant to be with all of you.
[a Homer in skins and a club grunts at her incoherently]
Marge Simpson: Even you, caveman Homer.
Homer Simpson: That's Renaissance Homer.


"The Simpsons: Colonel Homer (#3.20)" (1992)
Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie - one to lie, and one to listen.
Marge: What does *that* mean?

Homer: Marge, you're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of managing a beautiful country singer.
Marge: Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie, and you did it at the county fair last year, remember?


"The Simpsons: Simpson Tide (#9.19)" (1998)
Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
Bart: Milhouse has one.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.
Homer: Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud naval tradition.
Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me.
Homer: Oh... I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
Lisa: Can I?
Homer: No.

Bart: But mom, Milhouse's doing it.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff would you do it?
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there!


"The Simpsons: Homer Goes to Prep School (#24.9)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: Smart Tykes? You promised us we were going somewhere fun!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, you promised, mom!
Marge Simpson: I keep telling you stop calling me Mom.
Homer Simpson: Yes, Mrs. Simpson.

Marge Simpson: You call yourself a good Christian?
Homer Simpson: If Jesus had a gun, he'd be alive today.


"The Simpsons: The Ten-Per-Cent Solution (#23.8)" (2011)
Marge Simpson: What was your favorite thing at the museum?
Lisa Simpson: I liked the knowledgeable docents.
Bart Simpson: I liked the early closing time.

Marge Simpson: Wasn't that show just a rip-off of The Honeymooners?
Homer Simpson: Every show is a rip-off of The Honeymooners. Baby, you're the greatest.
Marge Simpson: Oh, Ralph, Fred, Archie, King of Queens... I mean, Homer.


"The Simpsons: Margical History Tour (#15.11)" (2004)
Marge Simpson: [after smothering Homer] See ya in Hell, fat man!

Marge Simpson: Its your brother who keeps us in lead based face powder!
[Applies powder and becomes woozy]
Marge Simpson: Oooooh!


"The Simpsons: Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife (#17.15)" (2006)
Charles: I have a joke.
Marge Simpson: Ooh! I like jokes. As long as it's not a knock-knock joke. I always ruin them by saying "come in".
Charles: So, there's a man, right? and he comes across a genie.
Marge Simpson: That's funny!
Charles: That's just the setup.
Marge Simpson: Oh. Well, it's set me up for a lot of laughs.
Charles: So, the genie says to the man "I'll give you three wishes, but everything you wish for, your wife will get double."
Marge Simpson: Umm-hmmm.
Charles: So, the man says "I want a brand new car," and the genie says "Your wife gets two!" You remember, the whole double...?
[Marge smiles and nods]
Charles: Then the man says "I want a house." "Your wife gets two!" You see how it works...? So now the man has one more wish, and here's the humor, right? The man says, "I want you to beat me half to death."
[laughs]
Charles: Right, you see? See, since the wife gets double, if the man gets beaten half to death, that means the wife would be beaten to death!
Marge Simpson: That's not funny. That's horrible!
Charles: I agree, simply awful, spousal abuse and all... It is a wee bit humorous, though, don't you think?
Marge Simpson: No.
Charles: No, of course not.
Marge Simpson: I did like the part with the genie, though.

Charles: One more kind word from her, and I am completely smitten.
Marge Simpson: Ooh, the toaster takes bagels. How ritzy.
Charles: And there you have it.


"The Simpsons: Eight Misbehavin' (#11.7)" (1999)
Homer Simpson: Eight kids?... Hmmm.
[pause]
Homer Simpson: I'm sterile, right baby doll?
Marge Simpson: Yes dear, from the nuclear plant.
Homer Simpson: Beautiful.

Manjula: Oh, little Maggie, aren't you cute with your little bow.
[does baby-talk]
Marge: Maggie loves baby talk.
Manjula: That was Hindi.


"The Simpsons: Boy Meets Curl (#21.12)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: This isn't fair. I wanted romance.
Homer Simpson: How about bromance?
Marge Simpson: It's not the same.
Homer Simpson: Dude!
Marge Simpson: I'm not a dude. I'm a hottie.
Homer Simpson: Ooh, this bromance just got interesting.

Marge Simpson: We're going to Vancouver!
Homer Simpson: Pack your winter coat, honey. We're going to Canada's warmest city.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XI (#12.1)" (2000)
[Pulling broccoli from Homer's corpse]
Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was...
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.


"The Simpsons: Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington (#14.14)" (2003)
Marge Simpson: Krusty! We came to see how many campaign promises you've kept.
Krusty the Clown: Uh, let's see... did I promise to be a slave to big oil?
Marge Simpson: No.
Krusty the Clown: Well, then none.

Elderly Congressman: Why, this news make my blood boil, my left arm feel numb, my mouth taste of copper! Arrgggh!
[congressman collapses]
Marge: He's had a heart-attack! Quick someone do CPR!
Homer Simpson: [singing] I see a bad moon rising.
Marge: No that's CCR!
Homer Simpson: Errr...
[singing]
Homer Simpson: Looks like we're in for nasty weather.


"The Simpsons: Wedding for Disaster (#20.15)" (2009)
[Marge is planning a second wedding to Homer]
Marge Simpson: I want every table to have two baskets of bread but only one plate of butter. That will stimulate conversation.
Homer Simpson: What if we...
Marge Simpson: There is no "we" in "wedding"!
Homer Simpson: But there is, Marge, the first two letters!
Marge Simpson: I can't believe you're ruining the second Thursday before the wedding!

Homer Simpson: Well, forget it, padre. We don't need a piece of paper to tell us we're happy. Me and the old lady have our own thing going on.
Marge Simpson: Who are you calling an old lady?
Homer Simpson: I need that paper, quick!


"The Simpsons: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star (#16.21)" (2005)
Marge: [to Bart] Now we have to find another school for you.
Homer: And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo-Bananas in charge.

Marge: Bart, would you like to say grace?
Bart: Yesum!
[Bart says grace in Latin]
Homer: What the hell was that?
Lisa: Bart's speaking Latin, the language of Plutarc.
Homer: [Homer looks blankly] Micky Mouse's dog?


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Beauty Queen (#4.4)" (1992)
Homer: Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl.
Marge: You're looking at her through a father's eyes.
Homer: Well if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets, I would, but to me she's beautiful.
Marge: That is so sweet.

[after Lisa loses the pageant, the family is watching the winner being crowned; it starts to rain]
Marge: Oh, dear. It would be such a shame if that pretty dress got wet.
Lisa: I'd say the bigger danger is her sceptre acting as a lightning rod. Unless it's made out of plastic.
[BOOM!]
Bart Simpson: Nope, metal.


"The Simpsons: The PTA Disbands (#6.21)" (1995)
Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.
Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
[Looks out window]
Bart: [creepily] Hello, mother dear.
Marge: That's it, we have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here.
[Lisa walks in]
Homer: In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Homer: How was everyone's day at school?
Bart: Horrible.
Lisa: Pointless.
Marge: Exhausting. It took the class 40 minutes to locate Canada on a map.
Homer: Oh, honey, anyone could miss Canada. All tucked way down there.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Father (#22.12)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: The boy's acting really weird. I did everything that T.V. show told me to and he's still not happy.
Marge Simpson: Well, maybe you shouldn't listen to a 30 - year old T.V. show that only got on the air because the creator had evidence the network president ran over a guy.

Homer Simpson: Hmm, hmm! Marge, would like a ''Thicker Than Waters'' collectable plate?
Marge Simpson: Homer, you can't order anything from that magazine. It's 25 years old.
Homer Simpson: Oh yeah? I'll show you. TV Guide Offer, 1 World Trade Center...


"The Simpsons: The Great Wife Hope (#21.3)" (2009)
Marge Simpson: Ultimate punching? Ultimate makes everything worse!
Otto Mann: Not frisbee.
Marge Simpson: Otto, don't you have a sack to hackey?
Otto Mann: Indeed I do! One... Aw, I messed up. One... Aw, I messed up. One... Aw, I messed up.

Marge Simpson: Is there someone in this bag?
Martin Prince: [Tied up inside bag] It's my own fault. I looked him in the eye as I was giving him my lunch money.
Marge Simpson: Someone should talk to your principal.
Principal Seymour Skinner: [Also tied up inside bag] I'm well aware of the situation.


"The Simpsons: Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily (#7.3)" (1995)
[Homer and Marge are relaxing in a sauna]
Marge Simpson: This is so relaxing. Homie, this was a wonderful idea.
Homer: [chuckling] Yeah. If that mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel.
Don Vittorio: Oh, don't mind me. Look, I do it first!

[as the Simpson family, who are finally together again, are about to leave the Springfield river]
Marge Simpson: So what was it like at the Flanders' house?
Homer: Yeah, gimme all the dirt.
Lisa Simpson: Let's see. Dirt... dirt... well, there wasn't really much dirt.
Bart: There was a bunch of old paint cans in the garage, though.
Homer: [laughs scoffingly] Old painty-can Ned.
[the family also laugh]
Homer: I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint!
Marge Simpson: How do you like that!


"The Simpsons: The Principal and the Pauper (#9.2)" (1997)
Superintendant Chalmers: Now let's clear this up. Who exactly are you?
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army.
Principal Skinner: It's true. I was in his platoon. But, they said you were killed on that scouting mission.
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp, I was sold to China for slave labor. And since '77 I've been making sneakers at gunpoint in a sweatshop in Boo-Haun.
Marge Simpson: That's not a funny story.
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Well, I guess you had to be there.

Homer Simpson: [Homer is driving the family car] Okay, once more. Where are we going?
Mrs. Krabappel: To Capitol City.
Homer Simpson: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
[Camera pulls back to reveal Mrs. Krabappel and Mrs. Skinner sitting next to him]
Agnes Skinner: We're going to talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
Homer Simpson: And why is Marge here?
[Camera pulls back again to reveal Marge riding shotgun]
Marge Simpson: I came up with the idea.
Homer Simpson: And why am I here?
Marge Simpson: Because the streets of Capitol City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
Homer Simpson: And why are the kids here?
[Camera pulls back to reveal Bart, Lisa and Maggie in the back seat, sticking their heads out of the window]
Marge Simpson: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
Homer Simpson: Then why is Grandpa here?
[Camera pulls back to reveal that the kids are sitting in Grandpa's lap]
Abe Simpson: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself!
[Jasper turns his head around, revealing he is riding in the very rear]


"The Simpsons: Homer's Odyssey (#1.3)" (1990)
Marge Simpson: There there, Homer. You'll find a job. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents and you've always bounced back.

Marge Simpson: Homer we love you! How could you think of killing yourself?
Homer Simpson: Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do!


"The Simpsons: The D'oh-cial Network (#23.11)" (2012)
Marge Simpson: Homer, stop watching movies that are playing on other people's cars.
Homer Simpson: Oh, but I'm invested in the characters.

Homer Simpson: This new computer is great. I'm watching a Sofia Coppola movie at twenty times the speed so that it looks like a regular movie.
Marge Simpson: I think it just froze. No, wait. That bird just moved.


"The Simpsons: Flaming Moe's (#3.10)" (1991)
Marge Simpson: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
Lionel Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
Homer Simpson: [whines] Oh!
Lionel Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!

[Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe]
Marge Simpson: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer Simpson: [sarcastic voice] Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!
[walks out, slams the door, then sticks his head back in]
Homer Simpson: Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Marge Simpson: Well, du'uh.


"The Simpsons: Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words (#20.6)" (2008)
Lisa Simpson: Guess what, mom? I'm a cruciverbalist!
Marge Simpson: Oh, Lisa, another religion? You know, you'll just drop the whole thing at college when you get a Jewish boyfriend.

Homer Simpson: Marge, I'm going to a hard-core gay club, and I won't be back until three in the morning!
Marge Simpson: Have fun!


"The Simpsons: Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield (#7.14)" (1996)
Gate Guard: Name, please.
Homer Simpson: Simpson family.
Marge Simpson: We're not poor.
[the whole family stares at her]
Marge Simpson: Well, we're not.

Marge Simpson: We've got a winning hand. We can take the rest of the tricks. Ooh, you better be careful. The purpose of this game is to make friends. You don't make friends by winning. Still, there's nothing more popular than a gracious winner. Don't ask me! I'm just hair! Your head stopped eighteen inches ago!


"The Simpsons: I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (#19.4)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: You don't owe him nothing. I promised Moe I'd visit him in the hospital, but I don't.
Marge Simpson: You told me you visited him every night.
Homer Simpson: Moe the tavern, not Moe the man.

Marge Simpson: I'm a hostage in a bank robbery!
Homer Simpson: Listen very carefully: don't do anything they say; remain panicky; and above all, try to be a hero.


"The Simpsons: Home Away from Homer (#16.20)" (2005)
Bart: Mom, am I a butch or a femme?
Marge: [with hand lifted] Honey, you can be anything you want to be.

Bart: [after they watch a foreign film] I was so bored I cut the pony tail off the guy in front of us.
[holds pony tail to his head]
Bart: Look at me, I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old and I made $600 last year.
Marge: Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They've just made a terrible life choice.


"The Simpsons: My Fare Lady (#26.14)" (2015)
Marge Simpson: You know, we've all be happier if we both quit our jobs.
Moe Szyslak: You know what, Midge? You're right. I'm gonna rebuild my bar better than before.
[Enters]
Moe Szyslak: Oh, my God! I don't remember it being this bad!

Russian Cab Driver: So, you return from a hard day of taking our jobs to your lover.
Marge Simpson: He's not my lover.
Moe Szyslak: Let the man speak!


"The Simpsons: The War of Art (#25.15)" (2014)
Homer Simpson: We could have what these people have, a financial cushion. No more living paycheck to paycheck, always one lost retainer away from the gutter.
Marge Simpson: I could write a check with today's date on it.
Homer Simpson: That's the cushion.

Marge Simpson: Homer, that painting has torn the town apart, ruined Kirk and Luanne's marriage, and I'm worried about poor Milhouse.
Bart Simpson: He's been playing Dance Dance Revolution for hours, but the TV is off.


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Connection (#6.23)" (1995)
Lisa Simpson: Mom, I know your intentions are good but aren't the police the protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?
Marge: [pauses] Look Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog!
[uses a hand puppet]
Marge: Hey, Lisa, help me bite crime, ruff, ruff!

Marge: [thinking] Everywhere I look, someone is breaking the law. Dog, no leash. Man, littering. Horse, not wearing diaper. Car parked across three handicap spaces...
[out loud]
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Hey, Marge. How's my little piglet?
Marge: Homer, I'm on duty.
Homer: [chuckles] That's OK, I'm supposed to be working, too.
Marge: You have to move your car.
Homer: I'll just be a second, Marge, I'm going to get some beer for those kids over there.
[Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney all give the thumbs-up]
Marge: I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that, but you have to move your car, now.
Homer: I'll be right back. Now keep your eyes peeled for a real cop.
Marge: Oh, that's it! I'm going to write you a ticket.
Homer: But Marge, we're family!
Marge: You're breaking the law.
Homer: I'll make you a deal: you rip up that ticket and I'll give you back your hat.
[snatches it]
Marge: Hey!
[Homer dances around, wearing her cap. As Marge grabs for it, a crowd assembles to watch]
Marge: Homer, taking an officer's cap is an arrestable offense.
Homer: Ooh, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do, huh? "Ooh, I'm officer Marge, I'm going to arrest you...!"
[Marge snaps handcuffs on him]
Homer: Wha-what? Marge, not here! Hey... you're not really arresting me?
Marge: [replacing her cap] You have the right to remain silent.
Homer: I choose to waive that right.
[freaks out]
Homer: WAAAAAAAGGH! WAAH, WAAAAH!


"The Simpsons: Lost Verizon (#20.2)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: Bart, how did you get a cell phone?
Bart Simpson: Same way you got me. By accident, on a golf course.

Marge Simpson: [to Bart] Sweetie, I know I said you couldn't have a cell phone, but in these days of stranger dangers and sinister ministers, I think it's important that we're in touch.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVII (#18.4)" (2006)
Marge Simpson: How could you eat that goo? You don't know what galaxy it's from!

Marge Simpson: Homer, you won't touch my stuffed peppers, but you'll eat our son?
Homer Simpson: Oh, nag, nag, nag.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVIII (#19.5)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: You just can't get Russian gangster blood out. Must be something they eat.

Homer Simpson: I'll be going out late tonight. It's midnight monkey madness at the zoo.
Marge Simpson: Me too. I'll be overturning all the wheelbarrows in case it rains.
Homer Simpson: Well, enjoy your pointless activity.
Marge Simpson: Have fun at your preposterous event.


"The Simpsons: Husbands and Knives (#19.7)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: I've lost my perfect 26-26-26 figure.

Homer Simpson: We're gonna be rich! We can finally start a family!
Marge Simpson: We have a family.
Homer Simpson: A better one.


"The Simpsons: Bart's Friend Falls in Love (#3.23)" (1992)
[Marge is told about the various skills taught by the subliminal learning program]
Marge Simpson: Hmm, hostage negotiations...
[She has a daydream of Homer, wearing a bulletproof vest and standing next to a surrounded airplane, speaking through a megaphone]
Homer Simpson: Listen, Tabbouleh, we're ignoring all your demands! What do you say to that?
[a hand comes out with a submachine gun and shoots Homer dead]
Marge Simpson: Better give me the weight loss tape.

[Homer listened to an audio cassette that promised "Lose weight while you sleep", but instead he got a vocabulary builder.]
Marge Simpson: Has that cassette helped reduce your appetite?
Homer Simpson: Lamentably, no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.


"The Simpsons: Large Marge (#14.4)" (2002)
[Marge discovers her new breasts]
Marge: [outraged] You've turned my maguppies into bazongas!

[Marge accidentally gets breast implants]
Marge: You can't call breast implants a minor misunderstanding!
Dr. Velimirovic: Look, Mrs. Simpson, if you want, you can come back in 48 hours, and I'll remove them.
Marge: You better! If not, my husband's gonna come back here, and do some malpractice on your face!
Dr. Velimirovic: Oh, yes, your husband.
[sarcastically]
Dr. Velimirovic: I'm *sure* he'll be furious.


"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: I'm so proud of my Homer I feel my chest will burst. Can you edit that? I don't want to say "chest" in a movie.
Declan Desmond: You said it, and it stays.

Marge Simpson: The biggest change for me over the last 8 years... that's gotta be Homer.
Homer Simpson: Marge, baby, I got a picture of you tattooed on my chest!
[he opens his shirt to reveal a skull with Marge's hairdo]
Homer Simpson: They had a sale on skulls.


"The Simpsons: Missionary: Impossible (#11.15)" (2000)
Lisa: Mom. Dad's on PBS.
Marge: Mm? They don't show police chases, do they?

[Homer donates 10000$ to PBS]
Marge: [to Lisa] From now on, one of us stays home all the time.
Lisa: Agreed.


"The Simpsons: Duffless (#4.16)" (1993)
Chief Wiggum: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god. He's dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, wait, I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up.
[a woman walks in]
Woman: My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband is DWI?
Chief Wiggum: Uh... why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch.

Marge Simpson: Homey, I'd like you to do something for me.
Homer Simpson: You name it.
Marge Simpson: I want you to give up beer for a month.
Homer Simpson: You got it. No deer for a month.
Marge Simpson: Did you say beer, or deer?
Homer Simpson: [pause] Deer.


"The Simpsons: The Wife Aquatic (#18.10)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: This used to be my favorite seahorse. I called it Funny Goodfeeling. Someone carved swastikas in your eyes!
Homer Simpson: Don't worry. I'm sure it was some guy full of hate.

Marge Simpson: It's the famous Barnacle Bay fog. There's even a poem about it. "Oh, cotton candy in gossamer light, thy soft gray kiss upon my cheek..."
[Smells the fog]
Marge Simpson: It smells like hiney!


"The Simpsons: Das Bus (#9.14)" (1998)
Marge Simpson: What exactly is it your company does again?
Homer Simpson: This industry moves so fast it's really hard to tell. That's why I need a name that's cutting-edge, like CutCo, EdgeCom, Interslice. Come on, Marge, you're good at these! Help me out!
Marge Simpson: How about... Compuglobalhypermeganet?
Homer Simpson: Fine, it's not important. What really matters is my title. I think I'll make myself... vice president. No, wait! Junior vice president!

[Homer is using butter as a pencil holder]
Marge: Is that my butter?
Homer: Can't talk - taking another delicious memo.
[Licks tip of pencil as if about to write]
Homer: Mmmmm... memo.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Smithers (#7.17)" (1996)
Marge Simpson: Homie, it's 4.30 in the morning. Little Rascals isn't on till 6.00.
Homer: I know. I'm taping it. I want to get to Mr. Burns' house bright and early to make his breakfast.
Marge Simpson: Oh, poor Homie. Poor, poor - -
[Falls asleep]

Bart Simpson: [Homer is asleep on the couch] Look alive, Simpson! I'm not paying you to goldbrick!
[Claps hands]
Homer: Yes! Yes, sir.
Bart Simpson: [Hands him a Math book and a pencil] Now get cracking on my long division, and don't forget to show your work, Simpson.
Homer: I'll have it on your desk in the morning, sir.
Lisa Simpson: Bart! Leave Simpson alone!
[Whispering in Homer's ear]
Lisa Simpson: Simpson, I need a ride to the library.
Homer: Yes, sir.
Marge Simpson: Kids! Stop exploiting your father! Homie, why don't you lie down and relax?
Homer: No time, Marge. I think Mr. Burns wants me to do some long division.
Marge Simpson: Simpson, lie down! Sorry, but you need a good night's rest.


"The Simpsons: Lemon of Troy (#6.24)" (1995)
Marge: How's Bart's tutoring going?
Lisa: Mom, the only thing Bart's tutoring is guerilla warfare in Shelbyville.
Marge: Come again?
Lisa: Mom, Bart went with a bunch of kids to go wage war on Shelbyville.
Marge: Homer, come quick. Bart quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!

Marge: This town is a part of who you are! This is a Springfield Isotopes Cap... when you wear it, you're wearing Springfield! When you eat a fish from our river, you're eating Springfield! When you make lemonade from our trees, you're drinking Springfield!
Bart Simpson: Mom, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield.


"The Simpsons: Every Man's Dream (#27.1)" (2015)
Marge Simpson: Homie, you have no idea what it's like being married to you.

Marge Simpson: I know this marriage isn't perfect, or even great, but now I even treasure the moments where it's just so-so.


"The Simpsons: Kill Gil, Volumes I & II (#18.9)" (2006)
Homer Simpson: Why haven't you thrown that bum out?
Marge Simpson: Christian charity.
Homer Simpson: Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with it?

Marge Simpson: Gil's gone? But I have a "no" in me that needs to get out.
Homer Simpson: Anyone want a thousand dollar bill?
Marge Simpson: NO!... I mean, yes.
Homer Simpson: Too late!
[burns bill]
Homer Simpson: Don't worry. I make six of these a year.


"The Simpsons: Brawl in the Family (#13.7)" (2002)
[playing Monopoly]
Lisa Simpson: These hotels are made of LEGOs. Bart, you're cheating!
Marge Simpson: Lisa, it was probably an accident.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, sure. You take his side, just because he bought you that house on St. James Place.
Bart Simpson: Who else is going to take care of her? Dad?
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[Homer starts strangling Bart]
Marge Simpson: Stop fighting!
[Marge starts strangling Homer]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, that's not how you pry them apart.
[Lisa grabs Bart's arm and tries to pull him away from Homer]
Marge Simpson: I've been prying them apart since before you were born!

Marge Simpson: Bart, I know this sounds crazy, but do you think you can drive a car?
Bart Simpson: Okay, but it's my first time.
Marge Simpson: Here's the keys.
Bart Simpson: I got a set.


"The Simpsons: Funeral for a Fiend (#19.8)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: Oh, TiVo remote, you have a season pass to our heart. Today I discovered Lost, watched all of Rome in a day, and watched Two and a Half Men in two-and-a-half minutes. Then the cache was full, so I had to erase something. I had to choose between Sophie's Choice and Schindler's List.

Marge Simpson: That's funny. There's nobody here.
Homer Simpson: More ribs for me!
Bart Simpson: There are no tables or chairs.
Homer Simpson: More ribs for me!
Lisa Simpson: And there's no sign of an oven, kitchen or food anywhere.
Homer Simpson: [uneasy] More ribs for me?


"The Simpsons: Brother from the Same Planet (#4.14)" (1993)
[about Lisa's addiction to the "Corey Hotline."]
Marge Simpson: Oh, honey, I know how you feel. When I was a girl, I had a crush on Bobby Sherman...
[Lisa bursts out laughing]
Marge Simpson: [annoyed] The point is, I want you to stop making these calls!
Lisa Simpson: [serious] All right, Mom. I promise you, you will never be billed for another call.
[giggling uncontrollably]
Lisa Simpson: Bobby Sherman?
Marge Simpson: Mmm...

Homer: Bart's not really mad at me.
Marge Simpson: He called you a bad father.
Homer: Marge, when kids these days say "bad," they mean "good." And to "shake your booty" means to wiggle one's butt. Permit me to demonstrate...


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Drama Queen (#20.9)" (2009)
Marge Simpson: Here's a few best friend tips. Always compliment her on her looks, and if a dog barks at you, don't make a big deal about it...
Homer Simpson: A friendship is just like a marriage. The key is to listen. And if a dog barks at you, don't make a big deal about it.
Marge Simpson: Homer, I just said that!
Homer Simpson: Whatever you say, honey. If it makes you feel any better, you said it.

Lisa Simpson: You can't keep us apart. I'll disobey!
Marge Simpson: I'm Bart Simpson's mother. You think you know any tricks I haven't seen?
[after Marge leaves, Lisa sneaks out the window and climbs down the tree, but Marge is waiting beneath with a laundry basket]
Marge Simpson: Bart Simpson, age 3.
[after they leave, Bart comes out of a hidden door in the tree, wearing ninja clothes and holding a skateboard]
Bart Simpson: Bart Simpson, age 10.


"The Simpsons: Simpson Safari (#12.17)" (2001)
Kitenge: Good night. Don't let the bed bugs paralyze.
[leaves]
Marge Simpson: Homer, did you remember to tip Kitenge?
Kitenge: [from outside the door] No, he did not.

[when The Simpsons are on holiday in Africa, Bart marks that he has seen a warthog to his animal card]
Lisa: Hey! You didn't see a warthog!
Bart: I'm looking at one right now.
Lisa: Mom! Bart implied I was a warthog!
Marge: Nobody's a warthog!
Bart: What about him?
[Lisa notices that there is actually a warthog right next to him]


"The Simpsons: Simple Simpson (#15.19)" (2004)
Homer Simpson: Wherever injustice shows its ugly face, I will be there, for I am the Pie Man.
Bart Simpson: And wherever Pie Man is, the cupcake kid will not be far behind.
Marge Simpson: While you two are up on the roof, why don't you take the leaves out of the gutter?

Marge: Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train!


"The Simpsons: He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs (#19.1)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: You smell like Chicago. Did you go there in a commercial plane?
Homer Simpson: No way! Commercial planes are for losers and terrorists. I went in a private plane.
Marge Simpson: Was there any difference?
Homer Simpson: Are you kidding? It's the difference between champagne and carbonated pee.

Marge Simpson: What are you doing? You don't know how to fly a plane!
Homer Simpson: I once drove a car off a cliff. How hard can it be? Hmm, what's the ocean doing up in the sky?


"The Simpsons: Separate Vocations (#3.18)" (1992)
Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term. But Lisa's are way down.
Homer: Oh, why do we always have to have one good kid and one lousy kid? Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid.
Marge: No, I mean Maggie.
Homer: Oh, yeah.

Marge: [referencing Lisa playing the saxaphone] Do you think she could be a professional someday?
Li'l Ludwig's Music School Teacher: Oh lord no!
Lisa: But I'll practice every day!
Li'l Ludwig's Music School Teacher: Yeah well I'll be frank with ya Lisa and when I say frank I mean, you know, devastating. You've inherited a finger condition known as stubbiness, it usually comes from the father's side...


"The Simpsons: Life on the Fast Lane (#1.9)" (1990)
Jacques: Mimosa?
Marge Simpson: I'm a married woman. Please don't call me that.

Jacques: [seeing the name "Homer" engraved on Marge's bowling ball] It is nice to meet you... Homer
Marge Simpson: Oh, no no. Homer is my... uh... Ball's name. I'm Marge.
Jacques: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They are far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter, more delicate. Here, use my ball.
Marge Simpson: No, no thank you, Mr... uh... Brunswick
[seeing the name on his ball]


"The Simpsons: Bart Sells His Soul (#7.4)" (1995)
Homer Simpson: Hey Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?
Marge Simpson: [chuckles wryly]

Marge Simpson: An alligator with sunglasses? Now I've seen everything.


"The Simpsons: How the Test Was Won (#20.11)" (2009)
[Some of the book club members have just been killed and the Simpsons don't have an insurance]
Marge Simpson: Oh my god, oh my god! We're totally liable!
[She and Lindsay Naegle look at each other and then kiss passionately]
Homer Simpson: Oh yeah.

Marge Simpson, Homer Simpson: Three, two, one... Happy new year!
Marge Simpson: Of school!
Bart Simpson: What are you guys doing?
Marge Simpson: It's the first day of school.
Homer Simpson: You're the government's problem now!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VII (#8.1)" (1996)
Lisa Simpson: Oh my God! I've created life!
Marge Simpson: Lisa, breakfast! We're having waffles!
Lisa Simpson: Ooh, waffles!

[Kang and Kodos have taken the form of Bob Dole and Bill Clinton]
Kodos: I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
Marge: That's Slick Willy for you, always with the smooth talk.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Triple Bypass (#4.11)" (1992)
Marge: Can't you do something for him?
Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
Homer: What an age we live in.

Homer: Ok, we need 40,000 dollars. How much do we have in the checkbook?
Marge: 70 dollars.
Homer: Have we deposited any 40,000 dollar checks that haven't cleared yet?
Marge: No.


"The Simpsons: Marge Simpson in 'Screaming Yellow Honkers' (#10.15)" (1999)
Marge Simpson: [Driving "Canyonero" SUV off-road] Outta my way, Nature!

Chief Wiggum: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.
Marge: That's your hat.
Lou: She's good, chief.


"The Simpsons: King Size Homer (#7.7)" (1995)
Lisa Simpson: [Homer receives an award for using his fat body to block a toxic vent] I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
Bart Simpson: Yeah, and I think it's ironic that for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic gas...
Marge Simpson: Bart!

Homer: Hello there, Miss Doesn't-find-me-sexually-attractive-anymore. I just tripled my productivity.
Marge: Good, good for you.


"The Simpsons: Saddlesore Galactica (#11.13)" (2000)
Bill Clinton: Thank you Lisa for teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson. If things don't go your way just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
Marge Simpson: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy President.

Lisa: Thank you, Mr. President.
Bill Clinton: No, thank you, Lisa. For teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president.


"The Simpsons: To Cur with Love (#24.8)" (2012)
Marge Simpson: The pound hasn't reported any greyhounds, but they have a daschund, a schnauzer and a pregnant raccoon.
Homer Simpson: Sounds like a trade up. How much for the pregnant raccoon?
Marge Simpson: We're not getting a raccoon!
Homer Simpson: Good, Marge. Get the price down.

Homer Simpson: Well, I can't lift anything this heavy without my weightlifting belt.
[Bends down to reach belt, but cracks his back and moans]
Marge Simpson: You know you can't lift your weightlifting belt without wearing your weightlifting belt.


"The Simpsons: Gorgeous Grampa (#24.14)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: [Marge is crying] Marge, what's wrong?
Marge Simpson: I so wanted your father to be gay.
Grampa Simpson: On VE Day I kissed a man by mistake.
Marge Simpson: Thank you.

Marge Simpson: I'ts a shame that Grampa has to cheat instead of relying on his God-given wrestling talent. What kind of person would idolize someone like that?
Bart Simpson: What kind of person indeed?


"The Simpsons: 'Round Springfield (#6.22)" (1995)
[at a cemetery]
Homer: I sure could go for a hot dog right about now...
Marge: Homer, we're at a funeral.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs here.
Homer: Woohoo!
Marge: Do you follow my husband around?
Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

Homer: Jazz? Who needs it? We can make up our own music.
[to the tune of Mary Had A Little Lamb]
Homer: Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee...
Marge: Homer, that's Mary Had A Little Lamb.
Homer: Okay. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo...
Marge: Homer, that's the same thing, only you replaced your dees with your doos.
Homer: D'oh!


"The Simpsons: 'Cue Detective (#27.2)" (2015)
Marge Simpson: Homey, I think I finally understand gluttony.
Homer Simpson: Welcome to America, baby.

Marge Simpson: Come on, Buddhists never quit.
Lisa Simpson: Actually, Buddhism is just quitting in yoga pants.


"The Simpsons: Dangerous Curves (#20.5)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: How many times must I say I'm sorry?
Marge Simpson: You haven't said you're sorry.
Homer Simpson: I know. I was hoping the number would be zero.

Homer Simpson: Here we are.
Bart Simpson: A log cabin? What am I, Davy Crockett? - Also, who's Davy Crockett?
Homer Simpson: Kids, this place has very special memories for your mother and me.
Bart Simpson: Well, leaving right now will become a special memory for me!
[Lisa chuckles]
Marge Simpson: [sing-song] They have a pedal car.
Bart Simpson: [sing-song] Pedal cars suck.
Lisa Simpson: [sing-song] They're worse than walking.
Homer Simpson: [sing-song, to Lisa] I'll put a hundred bucks in your college fund.
Lisa Simpson: [sing-song] I'll take ten bucks now!
Homer Simpson: [sing-song] I'll steal it back when you're sleeping!
[gives Bart and Lisa $10 each]


"The Simpsons: The Greatest Story Ever D'ohed (#21.16)" (2010)
Ned Flanders: Homer, our Bible study group is going to the Holy Land. I would like to invite you and your family to come as my guests.
Homer Simpson: Let's see: go to a war zone with a busload of religious lame-os, in a country with no pork and a desert with no casinos. Where do I sign up?
Marge Simpson: Homer, I can hear your sarcasm from inside the house, and the dishwasher is on. What's going on?
Lisa Simpson: Mr. Flanders is inviting us to Israel. I think he's trying to get dad into Heaven.
Bart Simpson: Great, more Hell for me.

Marge Simpson: Homer, you're alive!
Homer Simpson: More than alive, woman. I am the Chosen One. I shall unite all the faiths of the Holy Land! I am the Messiah!
Marge Simpson: But you have all our passports, right?
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah. Gotta keep track of those. The Messiah!... has the passports.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XII (#13.1)" (2001)
[the Simpsons got a automatic house, that does everything for them]
Marge: Ooh, look, we can choose its personality.
[Clicks on Matthew Perry]
House: Could I BE more of a house?

Homer: Well, everything ended fine.
Marge: No, it didn't. Bart's dead.
Homer: Saying I'm sorry won't bring him back.
Marge: The gypsy said it would.
Homer: Pff. She's not the boss of me.


"The Simpsons: Hardly Kirk-ing (#24.13)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Marge, can we get a subscription to Highlights?
Marge Simpson: Homer, that magazine is for children.
Homer Simpson: What? Where does it say that?
Marge Simpson: Read the rest of the title.
Homer Simpson: Highlights... for... D'oh!

Homer Simpson: I've found what we're looking for.
Marge Simpson: The kids?
Homer Simpson: Sure, they could be there. Who knows?


"The Simpsons: Last Exit to Springfield (#4.17)" (1993)
Dr. Wolff: Lisa, Marge, these braces are invisible, painless, and periodically release a delightful burst of Calvin Klein's "Obsession For Teeth."
Marge: Doctor, we don't have a dental plan right now, so we need something a little more... affordable.
Dr. Wolff: These pre-date stainless steel, so you can't get them wet.

Carl: Welcome, brothers of Local 643. As you know, our president, Chuckie Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately. We're all prayin' he'll turn up soon, alive and well.
[everyone laughs]
Carl: All right, all right. But seriously, we have to vote on Burns' new contract. It's basically the same deal, except we get a free keg of beer for our meetings.
[everyone cheers]
Carl: In exchange for that, we have to give up our dental plan.
[Everyone cheers and rushes over to the beer keg. Lenny pours a beer]
Lenny: So long, Dental Plan!
[Lenny's and Marge's words keep repeating in Homer's head]
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
[Charlie drops a pencil into Homer's butt crack]
Carl: Bullseye!
Homer: Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I've lost my train of thought.
[back to Homer's mind]
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Homer: [finally realizing] If we give up our dental plan... I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces!


"The Simpsons: Bart's Comet (#6.14)" (1995)
Kent Brockman: Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. Doesn't seem to matter now, so... the following people are gay.
[a list flashes by hurriedly]
Marge Simpson: Turn it off!
Homer: [copying down the list quickly] Just a second...

Homer: [at dinner] ... and then I sped away without anyone seeing my license plate.
Lisa: Sounds like you had a good day today, Dad.
Homer: Yeah... except I forgot to go to work.
[everyone looks at him silently]
Marge Simpson: What did you do today, Bart?
Bart: What didn't I do?
[hands his mother a newspaper]
Marge Simpson: [reading] "Boy Discovers Comet"...
Lisa: What?
Marge Simpson: "A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet to be known as the 'Bart Simpson Comet'." Oh honey, I'm so proud of you!
Bart: But then, you've *always* been proud of me.
Marge Simpson: [pauses] Yes...


"The Simpsons: Father Knows Worst (#20.18)" (2009)
Marge Simpson: It feels like a sauna in here.
[Sees sign over door reading "Springfield Saunas"]
Marge Simpson: It is a sauna! It must have been put here by a previous owner. This house is full of surprises, but this is the first one that's pleasant.

Marge Simpson: Here, Homer. Have some beets. I boiled all the red out of them.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I can still taste undercurrents of pink.
Lisa Simpson: Here, dad. Maybe this will help.
Homer Simpson: It feels like food, but it has no flavor whatsoever! What is it?
Lisa Simpson: Mac and cheese from the school cafeteria. The blandest food known to man.


"The Simpsons: The Haw-Hawed Couple (#18.8)" (2006)
Marge Simpson: Dear Lord, we thank you for the sexual intimacy we are about to enjoy.
Homer Simpson: And, as always, have fun watching.
Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson: Go, lovemaking!

Marge Simpson: Bartholomew J. Simpson, how can you be so mean?
Bart Simpson: What are you going to do about it?
[Marge hits Bart on his head with a wooden spoon]
Bart Simpson: Hey!
Marge Simpson: I'll whack you with a whole salad set if you don't start thinking of others. You are going to that party!
Bart Simpson: Mom, I can't go. No one else is.
Marge Simpson: Well if no one else jumped off the Empire State Building would you not jump?
Bart Simpson: [confused pause] ... Kind of?


"The Simpsons: Jazzy & The Pussycats (#18.2)" (2006)
[at Homer's Vegas wife, Amber's, funeral]
Bart: So, how did malt liquor mommy die?
Marge Simpson: I told you to stop calling her that.
Lenny: You know that sign that says not to stand up on the roller coaster?
[Bart nods]
Lenny: She overdosed right in front of it.

Marge Simpson: [about Amber] Low class all the way.
Homer Simpson: Marge, could you let it go? You *won*. She's dead.


"The Simpsons: Rosebud (#5.4)" (1993)
Homer: Well, we didn't get any money, but Mr. Burns got what he wanted. Marge, I'm confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?
Marge: It's an ending, that's enough!

[Homer sits down in the middle of the night to eat cheese]
Homer: Mmmm. Sixty-four slices of American Cheese...
[begins eating]
Homer: ...sixty-four... sixty-three...
[morning comes, Homer is still eating]
Homer: Two... one...
[Marge walks in]
Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.


"The Simpsons: In the Name of the Grandfather (#20.14)" (2009)
[the whole family is in the hot tub]
Marge Simpson: I feel like we should get out.
Homer Simpson: Interesting proposal. And now, with a opposing point of view, bubbles!

Lisa Simpson: Ireland is the leader in communication technologies in all of Europe.
Bart Simpson: Take that, Belgium!
Marge Simpson: Bart, if you hate Belgium so much, I'll take away your Tin Tins.
Bart Simpson: No, I'll be good!


"The Simpsons: Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy (#6.10)" (1994)
Marge: Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
Homer: Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident, he didn't wanna have me.
Marge: You didn't wanna have Bart.
Homer: I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child.
Marge: You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning.
Homer: But when I do it, it's cute.

Announcer: We now return to the 1971 film, "Good-Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out", starring Troy McClure.
Uncle Doobie: [a multicolored VW bug is chased by police] Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash?
Troy McClure: [as Slim] There's more than one way to get high, baby.
[he floors it]
Homer: [Marge, dressed seductively, snuggles with Homey] Please, Marge! How often can I see a movie of this calibre on late-night TV?
Marge: Is there something wrong, Homey?
Homer: No! It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before and I've seen you every night for the last eleven ye - er, what I meant to say is, uh, we'll snuggle tomorrow sweetie. I promise.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Phobia (#8.15)" (1997)
Marge: [about a gay man] Homer, he prefers the company of men.
Homer: Who doesn't?

Marge: Homer, look! It's a TV Guide owned by Jackie O!
John: You should see the crossword puzzle! She thought Mindy lived with "Mark."
Homer: Give her a break! Her husband was killed!
John: Oh, I know! Wasn't that awful? Hi, I'm John! Can I help you with anything?
Marge: Yes, I have something that I'd like to sell.
John: Please tell me it's your hair.
Marge: No, it's an heirloom my grandmother passed down to me. A very rare, old figurine from the Civil War.
Lisa: Please don't construe our ownership of this as an endorsement of slavery.
John: Hmm, well see, here's the thing on this. It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970s, one of the J & R Liquor lads. Two books of green stamps, if I'm not mistaken.
Marge: Oh, no! Oh no! No, no, no, no! It's a very, very old figurine!
John: No, it's a liquor bottle. See?
[Unscrews the cap and pours himself a drink]
John: Ah, that'll make your bull run!


"The Simpsons: Politically Inept, with Homer Simpson (#23.10)" (2012)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, how could you choose Ted Nugent for president? He's a right-wing rocker who likes everything I hate!
Bart Simpson: Could there be anyone more awesomer?
Ted Nugent: Who wants elk?
[Throws a dead elk on the table; Lisa screams and runs away]
Marge Simpson: My daughter is a vegetarian.
Ted Nugent: That's okay. She can nibble on one of the antlers. Antlers ain't meat.

Marge Simpson: Homer, you can win this argument. Just rant like you do to sports on TV.


"The Simpsons: The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants (#23.7)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: You want me to read to Lisa? You might as well ask me to kiss her.
Marge Simpson: If you kissed your sister, that would be lovely.
Bart Simpson: All right! I'll read to her!
Homer Simpson: And kiss her.
Lisa Simpson: Doesn't anyone want my opinion on this?

[Homer is trying to decide which raft to save from going over the falls]
Homer Simpson: My coworkers are like family, but in many ways my family is like family.
Marge Simpson: Homer, I gave you three kids.
Homer Simpson: Whose side are you on?
Marge Simpson: Your side! I've always been on your side!


"The Simpsons: New Kid on the Block (#4.8)" (1992)
Lionel Hutz: Now, Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what happened after you and your husband were ejected out of the restaurant.
Marge: Well, we pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, remember that you are under oath.
Marge: We drove around until three in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find one?
Marge: [crying] We... went... fishing.
Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man whose had ALL he could eat?
[the jury is made up of fat, obese people]
Jury: No, no.
Man in Jury: No, that could've been me!

Bart: Dad, if there's a really special girl and she likes some clod who's beneath her, what should you do?
Homer: I *married* her!
[grabs Marge and puts her on his lap; they giggle]
Marge: Homer, please!
[hiccups]
Marge: I just had eggs.


"The Simpsons: Mother Simpson (#7.8)" (1995)
Marge: Homer!
Homer: That's my name.
Marge: When I asked you if you bought that dummy to fake your own death, you told me "no".

Marge: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven.
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?


"The Simpsons: Moms I'd Like to Forget (#22.10)" (2011)
Marge Simpson: Why do you have to eat peanuts in the shower?
Homer Simpson: Can't start the day without that fresh-from-the-circus feeling.

Marge Simpson: We used to call ourselves the Cool Moms.
Bart Simpson: There is nothing cooler than calling yourself cool.


"The Simpsons: Grift of the Magi (#11.9)" (1999)
Principal Skinner: [At a meeting, discussing ways to save the school] Now, people, these are all good ideas...
Marge Simpson: No, they're not! They're terrible, terrible ideas!

Dr. Julius Hibbert: How could you close the school?
Marge: What will become of our kids?
Homer Simpson: Where are the refreshments?
Principal Skinner: Now, you keep asking me that and I keep telling you, over there!


"The Simpsons: HOMR (#12.9)" (2001)
Homer: Family meeting. Family meeting.
[the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats]
Homer: Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.
[all laugh]
Homer: All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
Lisa: Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it.
Marge: Well, maybe if you'd eat some meat you'd have a natural lubricant.
[gasps and turns to Homer]
Marge: You lost all our money?
Homer: Point of order - I didn't lose ALL the money. There was enough left for this cowbell.
[rings it softly and the bell breaks apart in his hands]
Homer: Damn you, eBay!

[Lisa is missing a crayon; Homer had a crayon removed from his brain making him smarter]
Marge: [reassuringly] Sweetheart, the missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer: [crashes through living room window and holds up two fistfuls of tickets] Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge: [resigned] Okay, it's in his brain.
[leaves]


"The Simpsons: Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life (#22.5)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: Mom, I didn't know you won the science fair.
Marge Simpson: Oh, that's ancient history. Ooh, my paper on ancient history!

Bart Simpson: A boy is beating me up at school.
Marge Simpson: Is it Milhouse?
Bart Simpson: Milhouse couldn't beat anybody up.
Marge Simpson: Are you sure? He's been going through a growth spurt.
Bart Simpson: It's not Milhouse! It's Nelson.
Marge Simpson: Nelson? I never thought of him as the bully type. Well, if a bully picks on you and Milhouse isn't there to protect you, the best way to deal with him is make him feel good.
Bart Simpson: How do I do that?
Marge Simpson: You could say something nice about him. Try complimenting his glasses.
Bart Simpson: It's not Milhouse!


"The Simpsons: Mypods and Boomsticks (#20.7)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: Remember our deal: we each get to return one Christmas gift with no hurt feelings. I'm returning this kitten calendar.
[Calendar has "from Bart" sticker on it]
Lisa Simpson: Um, I'm also returning the kitten calendar.
Homer Simpson: Kitten calendar.
[Maggie holds up calendar]
Bart Simpson: But those are fifteen month calendars. That means three extra kittens.
[He takes all the calendars]
Bart Simpson: Fine. That's the last time I shop for all of you at the last minute.

Marge Simpson: Lisa, add a new name to our Christmas list, next to our Jewish friends. Say, where is Lisa?
Bart Simpson: She said something about "bottom of the ocean" and "back in a month".


"The Simpsons: Fear of Flying (#6.11)" (1994)
Marge: Everybody's afraid of something.
Homer: [smugly] Not everybody.
Marge: Sock puppets.
Homer: [shrieks in terror] Where? Where?

Marge: A woman doctor? Well, now I've seen everything.


"The Simpsons: Mayored to the Mob (#10.9)" (1998)
Homer: Password.
Bart: We just want to get a snack from the fridge.
Homer: Access denied!
Bart, Lisa: But Da...
[Homer uses a sleeper hold on Bart and Lisa knocking them out]
Marge: Homer! I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children!
Homer: They be OK in half an hour.
Marge: And another thing, I asked you to take out the garbage three days agos and it's still... ngghhh.
[Homer uses his sleeper hold on Marge]
Homer: [Homer looks at his watch] Hmm, dinner is not for another half hour. Gahhh!
[Homer uses his sleeper hold on himself and bangs his head on the dinner table while falling to the floor]

Bodyguard: Who's going to protect you?
Mayor Quimby: [points to Homer] HIM.
Homer: WOOHOO!
Marge: Homer, I don't think you were listening to what they just...
Homer: I said "WOO. HOO."


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Greek (#3.14)" (1992)
Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids who wear them get *beaten up*.
Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.

Lisa: Mom, why isn't Dad interested in anything I do?
Marge: Well, have you ever tried doing something he's interested in?
Lisa: Well, we used to have burping contests, but I outgrew it.


"The Simpsons: Bart on the Road (#7.20)" (1996)
[last lines] [after Homer and Lisa secretly rescue Bart from his latest escapade, Homer and Marge are settling down for the night. The phone rings, Marge picks it up]
Marge: Hello? Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. All right, goodbye.
[she hangs up, but the phone rings again]
Marge: Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car did not get crushed in Knoxville! I can't even begin to tell you what's wrong with that.
[she hangs up, the phone rings yet again]
Marge: Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam!
[she hangs up and turns out the light]
Homer: Hee, hee, hee...
Marge: Homer, are you laughing at me?

[When the school replaces a normal school day with "Follow your parents to work" day, Marge encourages Lisa to go to the nuclear plant, while Bart looks forward to staying home, "observing" Marge]
Marge: Lisa, you've always been interested in nuclear power.
Lisa: Mom, I've signed numerous petitions to shut that place down.
Marge: Well, there you go.
Bart: Mom, you're in the way of the TV. If you want to, you can fill out my form.
Marge: [reading] "Parent's occupation... Please note that 'homemaker' is not allowed, as it is not real work, that's why you don't get paid." Mmmm...
Lisa: Bart can take my place at the nuclear power plant.
Marge: But Bart so wanted to see women in the workplace.
Lisa: Well, how about Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma at the DMV?
[Bart gasps]
Marge: Thank you, Lisa! I would have never thought of that.
[Lisa chuckles]


"The Simpsons: When Flanders Failed (#3.3)" (1991)
Marge: Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.

Marge: Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV?
Bart: Six. Seven if there's something good on.


"The Simpsons: A Midsummer's Nice Dream (#22.16)" (2011)
Marge Simpson: And remember, don't indulge in any sin except gluttony. Save lust and rage for me and the kids.
Homer Simpson: Relax, sweetie. I'm gonna come back so horny and angry.

Marge Simpson: I'm not a hoarder. Do the Yankees hoard pennants? Does Marrakesh hoard intrigue?


"The Simpsons: The Blunder Years (#13.5)" (2001)
Marge Simpson: I guess it was a pretty funny prank. I like the ones where nothing catches on fire.
Homer Simpson: Yeah. The only thing hurt are feelings.

Marge: Well, I guess it was a pretty funny practical joke. I like the ones where nothing catches on fire.


"The Simpsons: Bart Carny (#9.12)" (1998)
Lisa: Oh, one of them is playing my saxaphone.
[Yelling]
Lisa: Release the spit valve! Release the spit valve!
Marge: [Yelling] Over the Sink! Over the Sink

Marge: How are we going to get those hicks out of our house?
Bart: We could start a fire and smoke 'em out.
Marge: No fires.
Lisa: [pauses for a moment] Well, we could start a fire...
Marge: No fires.
Homer: [enthusiastically] I got it...
Marge: No fires!


"The Simpsons: Faith Off (#11.11)" (2000)
Homer Simpson: You workin'?
Benjamin: Oh my, yes. I'm on a secret project that I'm not at liberty to divulge...
[coughs]
Benjamin: cyborgs...
Doug: I invented a program that downloads porn off the internet one million times faster.
Marge Simpson: Does anybody need that much porno?
Homer Simpson: Uuh-huuh-uuuh, one million times.

Marge Simpson: Homer, maybe *I* should drive.
Homer Simpson: What, I can see fine.
[Homer drives into a cornfield, baseball field, then into a ditch]
Homer Simpson: That had nothing to do with the bucket.


"The Simpsons: Itchy and Scratchy and Marge (#2.9)" (1990)
[Marge's plan to get "Itchy and Scratchy" off the air backfires]
Marge: I guess one person *can* make a difference... but most of the time they probably shouldn't.

Roger Meyers Jr.: Take a letter, Miss White. Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy and Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America's favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection. In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research shows that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big a screwball she is, so let me close by saying...
Marge: [reading the letter] And the horse I rode in on?
[crumples the letter]
Marge: I'll show them what one screwball can do!


"The Simpsons: Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? (#11.3)" (1999)
Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.

Marge: You love Shake n' Bake. You used to put it in your coffee.


"The Simpsons: Homer Defined (#3.5)" (1991)
Marge Simpson: [Bart and Maggie are playing Monopoly] Bart, don't feed your sister hotels.
Bart Simpson: Don't worry, Mom, there's tons of these things.
Marge Simpson: I think that game is too old for her. Why don't you go play with Milhouse?
Bart Simpson: I don't wanna play with Milhouse.
Marge Simpson: You mean you still haven't made up with him?
Bart Simpson: It's his Mom. She says I'm a bad influence. Come on, Maggie, let's go throw rocks at that hornet's nest.

Marge Simpson: Mrs. Van Houten, I'm Bart's mother. We met in the emergency room when the boys drank paint?
Luann Van Houten: I remember. Please, come in.


"The Simpsons: Chief of Hearts (#21.18)" (2010)
Principal Skinner: Mrs. Simpson, your son Bart is what we educators call a nogoodnik, but lately, things have taken a sinister turn.
Superintendent Chalmers: We fear your son may be dealing drugs.
Marge Simpson: Dealing drugs? But that's impossible! He doesn't have the math skills!

Bart Simpson: [Watching Marge ransack his room] Mom, finally! You made my room cool!
Marge Simpson: Bart, are you a druggo?
Bart Simpson: A druggo? No way! Not until you raise my allowance.


"The Simpsons: Miracle on Evergreen Terrace (#9.10)" (1997)
Bart Simpson: [holding up a present] Hocus pocus! Mucus pucas! My powers of deduction tell me you are getting a hand-made sweater, possibly... yellow.
Lisa Simpson: Mom, make him stop!
Marge Simpson: Bart, put down that yellow sweater.

Marge Simpson: Homer, you won't believe what has happened. It's a miracle!
Homer Simpson: Oh Marge. I don't want to hear any more about that silver polish.


"The Simpsons: Two Dozen and One Greyhounds (#6.20)" (1995)
[a wild Santa's Little Helper digs up a dozen holes in the backyard]
Lisa: [gasp] My bongo drums!
Bart: My strobe light!
Homer Simpson: My "Best of Ray Stevens - featuring the 'Streak' - Album"! So it was the dog who buried all our stuff!
Marge Simpson: Yes... the dog.

Bart: Hey, boy, you want to play fetch?
[Santa's Little Helper looks up, tired, then puts his head back down]
Bart: Aw. Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team, but he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in.
Marge Simpson: Bart, don't ever say that word again!
Bart: Well, that's what she is. I looked it up.
Marge Simpson: Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me...


"The Simpsons: The Burns and the Bees (#20.8)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Marge, remember when we were discussing our greatest fears? Mine was snakes, and yours was...
Marge Simpson: Never having grandchildren.
Homer Simpson: Really? I thought it was Lisa with a beard of bees. Well, anyway, brace yourself.

Lisa Simpson: I'll miss them.
Marge Simpson: Now you know how I'll feel when you go off to college.
Lisa Simpson: Don't worry, mom. You'll always have Bart. Always.
Marge Simpson: But he'll be away fixing refrigerators.
Lisa Simpson: Always!


"The Simpsons: E Pluribus Wiggum (#19.10)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: We're all concerned about your weight. Bart said NASA called. They said that your gravity is pulling all the satellites out of orbit.
Homer Simpson: Marge, that was a joke.
Marge Simpson: I know, but it came from a true place.


"The Simpsons: Brick Like Me (#25.20)" (2014)
Bart Simpson: Is it just me, or does something seem weird today?
Marge Simpson: You're right. Something is very different about the Simpsons today. Your father is wearing a tie.
Bart Simpson: Oh, that's what's different!
Lisa Simpson: That's the one and only thing.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVI (#17.4)" (2005)
[Lisa wakes Homer up after he has a nightmare inspired by A.I. Artificial Intelligence]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, wake up! You're not a robot! You're just possessed by the devil.
Priest: The power of Christ compels thee!
[the Priest splashes holy water on Homer, causing him to growl, flip his head around, and crawl up the walls]
Marge Simpson: [sighs] I'll call work and tell them you can't make it.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
[collapses onto the bed, head still backwards]
Homer Simpson: Heh heh heh, suckers.


"The Simpsons: The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons (#9.7)" (1997)
[At Apu's wedding]
Marge: Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you've never performed a Hindu ceremony before.
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, Christ is Christ.


"The Simpsons: The Bart Wants What It Wants (#13.11)" (2002)
Marge: [the Simpsons are touring Toronto, Canada] So, I see you drive on the left up here.
Tour Bus Driver: No, ma'am. I'm drunk.


"The Simpsons: Four Great Women and a Manicure (#20.20)" (2009)
Homer Simpson: Marge, I need some bribe money.
Chief Wiggum: Well, don't say it so loud.
Marge Simpson: All I have is some dry cleaner coupons.
Chief Wiggum: Deal.
[Takes coupons and lets Homer go]
Homer Simpson: Thanks, Marge. But remember, there's still the civil lawsuit.


"The Simpsons: Two Bad Neighbors (#7.13)" (1996)
Marge: Can we get rid of this Ayatollah tee-shirt? Khomeini died years ago.
Homer: But Marge, it works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi... Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!


"The Simpsons: Mom and Pop Art (#10.19)" (1999)
Marge Simpson: Homie, I'm really happy you sold your sculpture, but don't you think it may have been a fluke?
Homer: Hey, I've always had an interest in art, dating back to my schoolgirl days when I pained portrait after portrait of Ringo Starr.
Marge Simpson: That's my life you're describing!
Homer: I think I remember my own life, Marge.


"The Simpsons: Dumbbell Indemnity (#9.16)" (1998)
[Homer is sitting at the dinner table in all black with a balaclava on his head]
Marge: Why all the black?
Homer: Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything?
Lisa: You look a little nervous, Dad.
Homer: No, *you* look a little nervous, Lisa.
Bart: You're up to something, aren't you, Dad?
Homer: NO. I'm just going out now to commit certain deeds.


"The Simpsons: My Big Fat Geek Wedding (#15.17)" (2004)
Marge Simpson: You're getting acid in the bed! I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Homer Simpson: She sure loves that couch.


"The Simpsons: You Only Move Twice (#8.2)" (1996)
Marge Simpson: Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush.
Hank Scorpio: We don't have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn't rush, they'd be allowed to go at their own pace.


"The Simpsons: I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot (#15.9)" (2004)
Lisa Simpson: I think it's only fair that I get to name this cat. You got to name me.
Marge Simpson: You should be glad I did. Your father wanted to call you Bartzina.


"The Simpsons: Simpsons Bible Stories (#10.18)" (1999)
Marge: It's the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Bart are you wearing clean underwear?
Bart: Not anymore.


"The Simpsons: Exit Through the Kwik-E-Mart (#23.15)" (2012)
Lisa Simpson: I don't think dad is coming.
Marge Simpson: [Looking at a painting of Homer as a horse's ass] I can see how this show isn't to his liking.


"The Simpsons: The Fight Before Christmas (#22.8)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: This tree reminds me of your father. It's round in the middle, thinning on top, and your hands are sticky when you touch it.


"The Simpsons: The Day the Violence Died (#7.18)" (1996)
[everyone is eating at the table; Abe and Chester glare at each other]
Abe Simpson: I thought I recognized you! I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop, and you never did it!
Chester J. Lampwick: Those corn muffins were lousy!
Abe Simpson: Paint my chicken coop!
Chester J. Lampwick: Make me!
[Abe gets up and the two start brawling]
Marge Simpson: That does it! One of them has to go!
Homer Simpson: Okay, Grampa.
Marge Simpson: No, the B-U-M.
Homer Simpson: Oh.


"The Simpsons: Beware My Cheating Bart (#23.18)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: She walked away, and she slammed the door. What does it mean?
Marge Simpson: It means that I'm mad!
Homer Simpson: That is such a first take answer.


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)
Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
Bart: Thanks, Mom.
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba.
Marge: Hmmmmm.
Maggie: [sucks pacifier]
Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney Gumble: [belches]
Nelson: Ha-ha.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
[pause, everyone stares at Lisa]
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?


"The Simpsons: Homie the Clown (#6.15)" (1995)
[hallucinates that the other Simpsons are clowns]
Homer: Marge?
Marge Simpson: Yes, Homie?
[starts humming the "Barnum and Bailey Circus" theme]
Homer: [no longer from his viewpoint] That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
[leaves]
Bart Simpson: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.


"The Simpsons: Children of a Lesser Clod (#12.20)" (2001)
Lisa: So many times we've watched our father go under the knife.
Marge: One more and I get a free hysterectomy!


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Dignity (#12.5)" (2000)
Marge: How did this happen? How did the Simpsons become the bottom rung of society?
Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.


"The Simpsons: Adventures in Baby-Getting (#24.3)" (2012)
Marge Simpson: The reason I don't want this car is because... I want to have another baby.
Homer Simpson: An on-purpose baby?


"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
Lisa Simpson: Mom, someone threw gum in my hair!
Marge Simpson: Are you sure? Maybe it's just shampoo. That washes right out.


"The Simpsons: Radio Bart (#3.13)" (1992)
[Sting is helping in the digging effort to rescue Bart. As he digs, he sighs with exhaustion]
Marge Simpson: Sting, you really should rest. You'll wear yourself out.
Sting: Not while one of my fans needs me!
Marge Simpson: Actually, I've never heard Bart listen to one of your albums...
Homer: Shh, Marge! He's a good digger!


"The Simpsons: Diggs (#25.12)" (2014)
Marge Simpson: I hope he comes back for his bird. I don't like the way he's circling the cat.
Bart Simpson: He's just riding the thermals from dad's butt.
Homer Simpson: Well, at least someone in this family is using them.


"The Simpsons: 500 Keys (#22.21)" (2011)
Marge Simpson: Stop, Pooter Toot! Other people might be offended by your slightly off-color antics.


"The Simpsons: Some Enchanted Evening (#1.13)" (1990)
Marge Simpson: The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.


"The Simpsons: Lady Bouvier's Lover (#5.21)" (1994)
Homer: Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Marge: Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?


"The Simpsons: Bart of Darkness (#6.1)" (1994)
Marge: I wish you'd stop spreading bad rumors about people! Remember when you got Grampa tarred and feathered?
Bart: Sure. That was 20 minutes ago.
Grampa: Gonna be in the tub for a while...


"The Simpsons: The President Wore Pearls (#15.3)" (2003)
Marge Simpson: Lisa, you look so successful. Like you're the wife of a businessman.
Homer Simpson: I wish I married a businessman. Then I'd have nice things.


"The Simpsons: Catch 'Em If You Can (#15.18)" (2004)
Homer: [jumping on a bouncing castle] This must be what it's like in space.
Marge: You've been to space.
Homer: And yet, I've never been to me.


"The Simpsons: Bye Bye Nerdie (#12.16)" (2001)
Marge: Homer, why aren't you at work? You're late.
Homer: They said if I came in late again that I would get fired, and I can't risk that, so I'm not going.


"The Simpsons: How I Spent My Strummer Vacation (#14.2)" (2002)
Marge: I couldn't even wake you up for work this morning. I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea.
Homer: Oh! Couldn't you come up with a *less* embarrassing lie?
Marge: But you *did* have violent diarrhea! Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it's okay.
[Bart and Lisa shudder]


"The Simpsons: Bart the Daredevil (#2.8)" (1990)
Dr. Hibbert: This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman. This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TV wrestling match. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.
Marge Simpson: Gee, I never realized TV was such a dangerous influence.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment.
Homer Simpson: Amen!


"The Simpsons: Goo Goo Gai Pan (#16.12)" (2005)
Homer: And this is Marge, our surprisingly hot nanny.
Marge Simpson: [giggles] Why, thank you, Mr. Simpson
Homer: Don't mention it, Ms... October. But don't look at her passport, it's different!


"The Simpsons: The Princess Guide (#26.15)" (2015)
Marge Simpson: Lenny said you were babysitting, and if you are babysitting, why can't you do some of it at home? I could use a night out.
Homer Simpson: Sorry, Marge, but I am the royal babysitter. If I started watching commoners, the tongues of the court would be a-wag.
Marge Simpson: Really, "a-wag"? Really?


"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Busted (#1.12)" (1990)
[on the surveiilance tape durning the breaking news]
Homer Simpson: The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have watch a slideshow starring my wife's sisters. As far as I call them, the Gruesome Twosome.
[laughs]
Marge Simpson: [Embarrassed] Oh Homer.
Patty Bouvier: [infuriated along with Selma] So the truth comes out.


"The Simpsons: Skinner's Sense of Snow (#12.8)" (2000)
Marge: How are the kids supposed to get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?


"The Simpsons: Tales from the Public Domain (#13.14)" (2002)
Marge Simpson: [after tearing out and swallowing the ending of the story Joan Of Arc] Well, that's easier to chew than that Bambi video.


"The Simpsons: The Squirt and the Whale (#21.19)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: We lost our wedding china.
Homer Simpson: Now we'll have to eat Thanksgiving dinner on regular plates like animals.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIX (#20.4)" (2008)
Milhouse: I like your witch costume, Lisa.
Lisa Simpson: I'm not a witch, I'm a Wiccan. Why is it that whenever a woman is strong and powerful, they call her a witch?
[Muted trombone vocalizes]
Lisa Simpson: You said something, mom?
Marge Simpson: No, I was just practicing my trombone.


"The Simpsons: King of the Hill (#9.23)" (1998)
[In a movie, Rainier Wolfcastle breaks someone's neck]
Marge Simpson: That's what I call Break-Neck Speed.
Bart Simpson: Mom, a man just died.
[Marge groans in embarrassment]


The Simpsons' Christmas Message (2004) (TV)
Marge Simpson: My daughter just took out a Constitutional Injunction against me for praying at the dinner table. So that's stopped...


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror II (#3.7)" (1991)
[Homer awakens with a scream]
Marge Simpson: Did you have a nightmare, Homey?
Homer Simpson: No, Bart bit me!
Bart Simpson: Hey man, you were crushing me! I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.


"The Simpsons: The Fabulous Faker Boy (#24.20)" (2013)
Marge Simpson: [as Slava puts car on reverse] What are you doing?
Slava: I'm trying to drive car backwards, like Russian economy under Putin.
Marge Simpson: Stop making Putin jokes!
Slava: You sound like police... under Putin.


"The Simpsons: The Girl Who Slept Too Little (#17.2)" (2005)
Marge: What ever happened to 'please' and 'thank you'?
Homer Simpson: They killed each other. Ya know, one of those murder-suicides.


"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Abie (#17.16)" (2006)
Homer: You are a useless old man. Name one thing you do for this family.
Grampa: I take care of the baby.
Marge: Where is the baby?
Grampa: You left me with the baby?


"The Simpsons: Pranks and Greens (#21.6)" (2009)
Homer Simpson: What kind of place is this? There are no snack standees, no soda standees, no standees of any kind!
Marge Simpson: From now on, this family is eating food that looks bad on the shelf and looks good on your colon.


"The Simpsons: The Good, the Sad and the Drugly (#20.17)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: If I had known setting the table was this easy, I would have done it years ago, instead of throwing all those tantrums.
Marge Simpson: Oh, Bart! You've finally become the kind of boy every mother dreams of: A girl!


"The Simpsons: Brother from Another Series (#8.16)" (1997)
Marge: You can't ask God to kill someone.
Homer: Yeah! You do your own dirty work.


"The Simpsons: The DeBarted (#19.13)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Come, Marge. Your loaner car awaits.
[pushes unlock button]
Marge Simpson: Homer, did you just open the car from the outside? Oooh!


"The Simpsons: Bart's Inner Child (#5.7)" (1993)
Brad Goodman: We can all learn a lot from this young man here, this... this...
Bart: Rudiger
Brad Goodman: Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger
Marge Simpson: His name is Bart
Brad Goodman: His name isn't important!


"The Simpsons: Bart After Dark (#8.5)" (1996)
[Marge and Lisa are leaving town]
Marge: The cat needs his medication every morning...
Homer: [talking over Marge] No problem. Can do.
Marge: And the furnace has been giving off a lot of carbon monoxide...
Homer: [still talking over Marge] Right. Uh-huh. Gotcha.
Marge: So keep the window open.
Homer: Cat in the furnace.
Marge: Uh... you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us.


"The Simpsons: Moe'N'A Lisa (#18.6)" (2006)
Marge Simpson: Homer, don't drink and drive.
Homer Simpson: Fine. I'll drive between sips.


"The Simpsons: A Tree Grows in Springfield (#24.6)" (2012)
Marge Simpson: Homer, don't you think you're putting all your eggs on one basket?
Homer Simpson: What do you want me to do, put each egg on one basket?
Marge Simpson: Hmm, I guess you're right. I better scratch that off my list of things to say.


"The Simpsons: Stark Raving Dad (#3.1)" (1991)
Doctor: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia, and... bladder hostility.
Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is.
Doctor: You mean there really is a Bart? Good lord!


"The Simpsons: Homer's Night Out (#1.10)" (1990)
[after seeing Bart's photo of Homer with princess Kashmir]
Homer: [to Bart] Why, you little...!
[chokes Bart]
Marge: Why, you big...!
[chokes Homer]


"The Simpsons: Black Widower (#3.21)" (1992)
Marge: Now, I know you're all excited about meeting Aunt Selman's new boyfriend...
[Homer blows air through his lips]
Patty: But before he gets here there's something you should know about him... Something *disturbing*.
[Homer, Lisa and Bart all have thoughts in their heads about what Selma's new boyfriend is like]
Patty: You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone. So in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird.
Bart: Cool, he can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray.
Marge: Now, now he's an *ex*-convict. He's paid his debt to society.
Patty: Then how come you're not using the good silverware?
Marge: I'm just not.


"The Simpsons: The Day the Earth Stood Cool (#24.7)" (2012)
Marge Simpson: [Picks up copy of The Onion] "Scientists Prove That Cat Heaven Is Real But People Heaven Is Not"? That's so sad.
Emily: No, Marge. It's not a real headline. It's satire.
Marge Simpson: Oh, satire. And these fake movie reviews are so mean, they're hilarious!
Emily: No, those are real reviews.
Marge Simpson: Great newspaper.


"The Simpsons: Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish' (#7.22)" (1996)
Marge Simpson: Where are we going to put him?
Homer Simpson: Bart's room.
Lisa Simpson: Bart's room.
Marge Simpson: Bart's room.
Bart Simpson: Dumpster.


"The Simpsons: Friend with Benefit (#27.6)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: Marge, do you know how it feels when you have a man to provide you everything you need?
Marge Simpson: I have thought a lot about that, and I have to say... no.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XV (#16.1)" (2004)
[first lines]
[Marge sees Homer constantly throwing a bowling ball on the roof]
Marge Simpson: Homer, what are you doing?
Homer Simpson: Trying to get a frisbee off the roof.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Substitute (#2.19)" (1991)
Marge Simpson: Homer! Did you take care of...
Homer: Ah-ah-ah. Don't say anything, Marge. Let's just go to bed. Right now I'm on the biggest roll of my life.


"The Simpsons: Papa Don't Leech (#19.16)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: Lurleen, I'm sorry I called you all those names, like - oh, I don't even remember.
Homer Simpson: "Confederate degenerate"?
Lisa Simpson: "Southern-fried succubus"?
Bart Simpson: "Hee-Haw ho"?


"The Simpsons: Any Given Sundance (#19.18)" (2008)
Marge: [after watching Lisa's documentary of the family] One Simpsons movie was enough!


"The Simpsons: Loan-a Lisa (#22.2)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: Is that the cat in there?
Homer Simpson: It's *a* cat. I'm not certain it's *the* cat.


"The Simpsons: The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace (#10.2)" (1998)
[after getting blasted by Homer's "make up gun"]
Marge: Homer, you've got it set on "whore!"


"The Simpsons: Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish (#2.4)" (1990)
Marge Simpson: Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.
Homer Simpson: Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her.
Lisa Simpson: Ooh, a political discussion at the breakfast table! I feel like a Kennedy!


"The Simpsons: The Blue and the Gray (#22.13)" (2011)
Marge Simpson: My first gray hair!
Homer Simpson: Oh, Marge. Don't worry. Lots of movie stars have gray hair, like all those women we loved in the eighties.
Marge Simpson: Oh, Homer. You always mean to say the nicest things.
Homer Simpson: Well, it's not easy with you talking all the time.


"The Simpsons: Dude, Where's My Ranch? (#14.18)" (2003)
Marge Simpson: Lisa, welcome to love. It's full of doubt and pain and uncertainty. But then one day, you find a man you love so much, it hurts.
Homer Simpson: [angry] Who is he?
Marge Simpson: You, Homie.
Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo! In your face, imaginary guy!


"The Simpsons: In Marge We Trust (#8.22)" (1997)
Rev. Lovejoy: [Describes being bothered incessantly by Ned Flanders] Eventually, I just gave up and stopped caring. Luckily, by then it was the '80s, and no one noticed.
Marge Simpson: You can't let a few bad experiences put you off helping people!
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, sure I can.


"The Simpsons: Bart the Fink (#7.15)" (1996)
Homer Simpson: Let's see I'll have an IRSwich with-hold the lettuce, two independent sized shakes and a fudgichino.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Fill out schedule b. You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks.
Homer Simpson: [Homer muttering to himself] Hey Marge. What were your gambling losses last year?
Marge Simpson: $700.


"The Simpsons: Behind the Laughter (#11.22)" (2000)
Homer Simpson: Your favorite show was "Hollywood Hogwash", but we also loved "The Dreck Squad".
Marge Simpson: ..."The Malarkies", "Dumbing it Down"...
Lisa Simpson: "Sheriff Low-brow".
Bart Simpson: "Home Improvement".


"The Simpsons: Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts (#23.2)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: Bart, I'm going to ask you about something I read in a magazine. Are you boys in here cyberbullying?
Jimbo Jones: How could we? We're all together, and we're not using computers.
Homer Simpson: Marge, I parented!
Marge Simpson: That's great, honey. Come down for chocolate milk and a brownie.
Homer Simpson: So long, suckers.


"The Simpsons: Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington (#3.2)" (1991)
[driving in a cab through Washington D.C]
Marge Simpson: Look, the I.R.S.
Homer: [out the window] BOO!
I.R.S. Employee: [out his office window] Oh, boo yourself.


"The Simpsons: Specs and the City (#25.11)" (2014)
Marge Simpson: Homer's been converting all our money into euros. Not the money, the sandwiches.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror X (#11.4)" (1999)
Lisa Simpson: I still can't believe we escaped from those horrible vampires.
Homer Simpson: But it was worth it to get back our Super Sugar Crisp cereal.
Homer Simpson: [singing] Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp.
Marge Simpson: [driving] I'm having a hard time seeing. Homer, did you remember to put the fog lights in?
Homer Simpson: [singing to the same tune] 'Cause I forgot to put the fog lights in.


"The Simpsons: Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore (#15.12)" (2004)
Lisa Simpson: [Thinking] Oh my God, my brother's my best friend!
Marge Simpson: [Thinking] Diamonds! I can't believe he bought me diamonds!
Homer Simpson: [Thinking whilst looking in the mirror] Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the baldest one of all?


"The Simpsons: Mobile Homer (#16.13)" (2005)
Homer Simpson: You can't enjoy money when you're dead, so why not have fun now?
Marge Simpson: Don't you think you've had enough fun? Last year you spent five thousand dollars on donuts, two thousand on scalp massages, five hundred on body glitter.
Homer Simpson: Hey, I earned that money. While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I'm at work busting my hump.
Marge Simpson: Oh, please! From what I hear, you waltz in there at ten thirty, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around Googling your own name until lunch.
Homer Simpson: Who told you that?
Marge Simpson: You shouted it while we were making love!


"The Simpsons: Future-Drama (#16.15)" (2005)
Marge: [eight years in the future, praising technology] It's greeat! We can do *anything* now that Science has invented Magic.


"The Simpsons: Moonshine River (#24.1)" (2012)
Marge Simpson: Our search for culture is thus concluded / For which the bard of Avon is well suited / In a stage production with cell phones muted. Geez, I can't stop talking like that.


"The Simpsons: The Man Who Came to Be Dinner (#26.10)" (2015)
Marge Simpson: There's only one fair way to do this. We must put it to a vote.
Bart Simpson: Before we do, I would like to point out that in Sophie's Choice, she chose the boy.


"The Simpsons: 24 Minutes (#18.21)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: If someone did eat Bart's shorts, they'd have a tummy full of pocket garbage.


"The Simpsons: Homerazzi (#18.16)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: It's gone! The photo album was a record of my accomplishments. It was like a resume to a man.
Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry, Mom. You have to let these things go. It's not like we could restage the photos all over again.
Marge Simpson: Restage the family album!
Bart Simpson: Lisa, you fool! You've doomed us all!
[Marge puts a baby bonnet on Bart and shoots a picture]
Bart Simpson: Noooo!


"The Simpsons: The Wandering Juvie (#15.16)" (2004)
Bart Simpson: I hate this place! The boys beat me up, the girls beat me up.
Marge Simpson: Honey, you shouldn't hang around with people who beat you. They're not true friends!


"The Simpsons: Homer the Moe (#13.3)" (2001)
[Homer, Lenny, Carl and Barney are sitting in Homer's garage, drinking]
Homer: [to Marge] Barkeep. Another beer.
Marge: Wasn't this supposed to be your tavern?
Homer: It's a family place. Right, kids?
Lisa: Can we go to bed now?


"The Simpsons: Make Room for Lisa (#10.16)" (1999)
Lisa: Mom, what's happening?
Marge: I'm sorry, honey, but we're renting your room to a satellite network until your father can pay for the destruction of a priceless artifact. Boy, I never thought I'd have to say that again.


"The Simpsons: The Great Simpsina (#22.18)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: Marge, how much do they pay us for doing this?
Marge Simpson: Actually, we pay them for each peach we take home.
Homer Simpson: What the...? First I work, then I pay, then I have to eat fruit? Why was I ever born?


"The Simpsons: The Great Louse Detective (#14.6)" (2002)
Marge Simpson: [walking through a prison] I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.
Lisa Simpson: It still beats Disney's California Adventure.


"The Simpsons: The Frying Game (#13.21)" (2002)
Marge Simpson: Thank you for coming to comfort us. Even though we're not Catholic.
Catholic Priest: Oh, dear, dear, dear. I hope you have a nice stay in Hell, then.
[Walks serenely away]
Reverend Lovejoy: Nice dress!
Catholic Priest: Oh, why don't you go home and have sex with your wife?
Reverend Lovejoy: Bring it on!
[They start fighting]


"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming (#7.9)" (1995)
[Bart and Lisa run into a restriced Army Base, the front gate closes behind them]
Marge: Wait!
[to the guarding soldier]
Marge: That's my children in there!
Gate Guard: You should be very proud, ma'am.


"The Simpsons: The Bob Next Door (#21.22)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: Bart, what are you doing inside on an outdoor party?
Bart Simpson: Walt is really Sideshow Bob, and I'll prove it. See? Who would need a knife this big?
Marge Simpson: It's probably a deboner.
Bart Simpson: [laughs] Boner.


"The Simpsons: Bart Has Two Mommies (#17.14)" (2006)
Rod Flanders: Hurry, let's climb down.
Bart: Okay but don't let our hands touch. It's gay.
Rod Flanders: What's gay mean?
Bart: Uh, it means you use to be afraid
[brief pause]
Bart: , but now you're not.
Rod Flanders: [to his father Ned Flanders below] I'm gay Daddy... I'm gay! Mrs. Simpson made me gay.
Marge: [nervously to Ned Flanders] I believe he's saying... he's okay.


"The Simpsons: The Fool Monty (#22.6)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: [to Comic Book Guy, dressed as Wolverine] This isn't a line for a movie. Why are you in costume?
Comic Book Guy: Because you see, I'm afraid of needles, but Wolverine is not.
[retracts claws]
Comic Book Guy: Snikt, Snikt!
[Ice cream truck passes by; Comic Book Guy reaches for wallet but scratches himself with claws]
Comic Book Guy: Ow! Need acceptable currency for delicious treat.


"The Simpsons: Holidays of Future Passed (#23.9)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: Sometimes I wish strangling your children was still legal.
Marge Simpson: Not since they passed Homer's Law.


"The Simpsons: Pulpit Friction (#24.18)" (2013)
Lisa Simpson: Mom, I found your wedding dress!
Marge Simpson: But how?
Lisa Simpson: By using something this town has never seen: honest police work.


"The Simpsons: Homer at the Bat (#3.17)" (1992)
[Marge is filming Homer sitting in the dugout at a softball game. Homer starts to scratch his crotch]
Marge Simpson: Oh, dear.
[points the camera at her feet]
Marge Simpson: Children, tell me when your father stops scratching himself.
[long pause]
Marge Simpson: Kids...?
Bart Simpson: We'll tell you, Mom.


"The Simpsons: Sweets and Sour Marge (#13.8)" (2002)
Bart: Why would Duff publish a book.
Lisa: It was designed to settle fights in taverns.
Homer: Whoo-hoo. She said "tavern". I'm going to Moe's.
[runs away and drives off]
Marge: I never agreed to that rule.


"The Simpsons: Black-Eyed, Please (#24.15)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Unions are the worst. There's this one guy at the plant. Has caused three meltdowns, and he's still working there.
Marge Simpson: Homer, that's you.
Homer Simpson: Oh. I say union, you say power. Union!
Marge Simpson: [flatly] Power.
Homer Simpson: Union!
Marge Simpson: Power.
Homer Simpson: [Whispers] You're a little flat on the powers, but don't worry. The union's got our backs.


"The Simpsons: A Tale of Two Springfields (#12.2)" (2000)
[Homer tries to call Animal Control]
Phone Lady: [special information tone] Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please make sure you have the correct area code.
Homer Simpson: Area code? But it's a local call.
Marge Simpson: The phone company ran out of numbers, so they split the city into two area codes. Half the town keeps the old 636 area code, and our half gets 939.
Homer Simpson: 939? What the hell is that? Oh, my life is ruined!
Marge Simpson: Geez. You just have to remember three extra numbers.
Homer Simpson: Oh, if only it where that easy Marge.


"The Simpsons: Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk (#3.11)" (1991)
[Rumors of a buyout at the power plant sends the employee's token stock offerings skyrocketing in value. Homer comes home]
Homer: Sorry, Marge. I already spent it.
Marge Simpson: On what?
Homer: Beer.
Selma Bouvier: Surprise, surprise.
Marge Simpson: You spent $5,200 on beer?
Homer: $5,200? What are you talking about?
[Marge points to the TV]
Homer: What?
[He crouches in front of the TV, seeing the closing price of the stock he sold, and screams]
Homer: I sold it all for 25 bucks!
[Bart kicks him in the butt, knocking his head into the TV]
Homer: OW!
Bart Simpson: Come on, everyone, it makes you feel better!


"The Simpsons: Simpson and Delilah (#2.2)" (1990)
[Homer cries over his spilled bottle of Dimoxnyl]
Marge Simpson: Homer, I'm sure if you just went back to the pharmacy...
Homer Simpson: I don't have a thousand bucks! But you do, right? You've been saving it, for a rainy day! Haven't you, Marge?
Marge Simpson: Homer!
[Homer starts sobbing again and rubs his head over the Dimoxnyl stain on the carpet]
Lisa Simpson: Dad is taking this in a less-than-heroic fashion.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXII (#23.3)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: Halloween is over, and that means one thing: the beginning of Christmas shopping season. Time to pump some blood into our failing economy.
Marge Simpson: Remember, no home-made gifts. A single sweater can cost 27 Americans their jobs.
Moe Szyslak: And don't forget, Christmas is a good time to pick up alcoholism. You have to deal with your relatives 365 days a year. Leave at least one day for your bartender.


"The Simpsons: Wild Barts Can't Be Broken (#10.11)" (1999)
[At an Isotopes game, the pitcher blows his arm out after the first pitch]
Homer Simpson: I'm gonna warm up the car.
Marge Simpson: But there's only been one pitch.
Homer Simpson: And it *sucked*.


"The Simpsons: Yokel Chords (#18.14)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: I love these mystery novels. It's amazing how the solve the mystery before they run out of pages. James Patterson!
James Patterson: Marge, come with me. Help me come up with nursery rhyme-themed titles for my mystery novels.
Marge Simpson: How about Little Bo Peep?
James Patterson: That's great! One of the clues could be her sheep.


"The Simpsons: Days of Wine and D'oh'ses (#11.18)" (2000)
Homer: [punching his pillow] Stupid Barney! Thinks he's too good for me.
Marge Simpson: Cheer up, Homey. You don't need friends to be happy. I haven't had a friend in years.
Homer: But you've got me. Who have I got?
Marge Simpson: [sighs] You still have Lenny and Carl.
Homer: Aw, Lenny and Carl suck!
[pleadingly]
Homer: Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, because if I ever lost them as friends...
Marge Simpson: Well, if Barney's that important to you, you've got to work it out. Old friends stick together, like OJ and AC. Or the Falcon and the Snowman.
Homer: Oh, why can't I have a nickname?


"The Simpsons: Insane Clown Poppy (#12.3)" (2000)
Marge: So, Mr King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?
Stephen King: Actually, I'm taking a break from horror for the time being.
Marge: Oh, that's too bad.
Stephen King: At the moment I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He was a fascinating man who discovered electricity, and used it to torture children and green mountain men. And that key he tied to a kite - it opened the gates to HELL.
Marge: Well, when you go back to horror will you let me know?
Stephen King: Will do.
[writes down a note: CALL MARGE RE: HORROR]


"The Simpsons: Moe Baby Blues (#14.22)" (2003)
Chief Wiggum: Well, boys, it looks like we solved the mystery of the missing ham.
Marge: You guys are the world's worst cops!
Chief Wiggum: No, now that I'm off-duty, I'm the world's worst soccer coach.


"The Simpsons: Double, Double, Boy in Trouble (#20.3)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: [concerned about Bart's unusual behavior] Maybe he's going through certain changes.
Homer Simpson: If that boy thinks I'm paying to put him through four years of puberty, forget it! Stupid kids, think I'm made of hormones.


"The Simpsons: Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes (#20.1)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day until Irish people showed up.


"The Simpsons: The Daughter Also Rises (#23.13)" (2012)
Marge Simpson: It's a beautiful day outside. No more watching TV.
Bart Simpson: Little does she know that our viewing platforms are multi.


"The Simpsons: The Lastest Gun in the West (#13.12)" (2002)
Marge: You know, you have to stop drinking?
Buck McCoy: What do you care?
Marge: I don't know. I just naturally I assumed that it was any of my business.


"The Simpsons: Three Gays of the Condo (#14.17)" (2003)
[Homer confronts Marge with a "memory box" she had put together before they were married]
Marge Simpson: Oh, I'd forgotten all about that. Where did you find it?
Homer Simpson: More like, where didn't I find it? It was practically everywhere!


"The Simpsons: Pygmoelian (#11.16)" (2000)
Marge: Kids, would you like a balloon?
Bart: Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like a rattle and a wowwipop. Actually I would like a wowwipop.
Lisa: Those balloons won't biodegrade for ten thousand years. And if Bart gets a wowwipop, I want a wowwipop.


"The Simpsons: O Brother, Where Bart Thou? (#21.8)" (2009)
Marge Simpson: [the power goes out while Bart is playing a video game] A fallen branch must have knocked out the power line.
Bart Simpson: Fine. Then I'll just watch TV.
Marge Simpson: TV runs on electricity too.
Bart Simpson: Then I'll watch a DVD. There's no way that runs on electricity.
[Marge grumbles]
Bart Simpson: Really? Does Obama know about this?


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Hit by a Car (#2.10)" (1991)
[the lawyer asks Marge's opinion of Dr. Riviera's competence]
Marge: I'm sorry, but my mother said, if you can't say anything nice about someone, you shouldn't say anything at all.
Homer: [whispering] Will that hold up in court?
Lionel Hutz: No, I've tried it.


"The Simpsons: Trilogy of Error (#12.18)" (2001)
[Marge has just sliced off Homer's thumb]
Marge: I'm sorry!
Homer: Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge!


"The Simpsons: Ned 'N' Edna's Blend (#23.21)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: Welcome to married life. Another good man bites the dust.
Marge Simpson: Homer!
Homer Simpson: What? I'm talking about that guy.
[Points to man on the next bed, who is flatlining and being carted out]
Homer Simpson: I sure envy him.


"The Simpsons: White Christmas Blues (#25.8)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: When did everything turn to crap?
Marge Simpson: Bart! I don't want that kind of language in this house.
[Pours bag of "Fun size" candy canes into a bowl; picks one up and regards its tiny size]
Marge Simpson: [Thinking] Man, when did everything turn to crap?


"The Simpsons: Bart vs. Thanksgiving (#2.7)" (1990)
Bart Simpson: [Bart imagines apologising for wrecking Lisa's centrepiece] Lisa, I'm sorry.
Marge Simpson: [the fantasy turns nightmarish] No, no, no. That won't do at all.
Homer: Yeah, boy. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness.
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, beg me Bart. Beg me.
Bart Simpson: Lisa, I beg of you. Please forgive me.
Marge Simpson: [all the family laugh at Bart] Now, we can blame him for everything.
Homer: It's your fault I'm bald.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
Grampa Simpson: It's your fault I'm old.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
Maggie Simpson: It's your fault I can't talk.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
Uncle Sam: It's your fault America's lost its way.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
[the family start saying everything is Bart's fault and he keeps apologising]


"The Simpsons: Replaceable You (#23.4)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: I learned something today. Did you know that my work is the reason I get those checks every week? And now that I've been demoted, those checks have gotten smaller. Not in physical size, but in...
Marge Simpson: I know!


"The Simpsons: El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer (#8.9)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: We're so different! It's like you're from Venus!
Marge Simpson: And you're from Mars.
Homer Simpson: Oh, sure, give *me* the one with all the monsters!


"The Simpsons: 'Tis the Fifteenth Season (#15.7)" (2003)
Homer: I'll be the nicest man in the world!
Marge: Homer, you've said that before.
Homer: Yes, but this time I'm sober!


"The Simpsons: Lost Our Lisa (#9.24)" (1998)
Marge: [reading the back of a super glue tube] "In case of accidental ingestion, consult a mortician."


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXI (#22.4)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: Oh, Homey. What a great idea to take a cruise in uncharted waters.
Homer Simpson: Yeah. Charts are for squares, baby.


"The Simpsons: Lard of the Dance (#10.1)" (1998)
Marge: Homer! That side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight!
Homer: Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.
Marge: With cans of grease?
Homer: [sarcastically] No! Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease.


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Tree Hugger (#12.4)" (2000)
Homer: [looking at a picture of refugees in a newspaper] Look at these refugees, Marge. Not even a smile.
Marge: They've undergone terrible hardships.
Homer: Well, moping won't help anything!


"The Simpsons: American History X-cellent (#21.17)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Mom, where are you going?
Marge Simpson: Shopping. Whenever the town riots, the malls are empty. You stay here while I'm gone.
Bart Simpson: Oh, I hate being stuck inside.
Marge Simpson: You can play with your sister.
Bart Simpson: Mom, you don't play with Lisa, you play despite her.


"The Simpsons: Hurricane Neddy (#8.8)" (1996)
Ned Flanders: Well, sir, everyone's alive. Guess that's something to be thankful for.
Homer: Now, that kind of attitude's not gonna get your house back.
Marge Simpson: I'm sure your insurance will cover the house.
Maude Flanders: Uh, well, no. Neddy doesn't believe in insurance. He considers it a form of gambling.
Ned Flanders: You know it's kind of funny. The only thing that survived the storm were the family tombstones.
[said tombstones are named Ned, Maude, Rod and Todd]
Ned Flanders: They're all we have left.
Homer: [walking off] Welp, call us if you need anything!


"The Simpsons: The Ned-Liest Catch (#22.22)" (2011)
Edna Krabappel: In all my years of teaching, I've never raised my hand at a student.
Homer Simpson: But you learned. You grew.
Marge Simpson: Homer! You never strike a child. Just leave the crust on their sandwiches. They'll get the message.


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Marge Simpson: Have you been drinking?
Homer: No! Well, ten beers.


"The Simpsons: Lisa Gets an 'A' (#10.7)" (1998)
Marge Simpson: Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. You got the highest grade in the class!
Lisa Simpson: But, Mom...
Marge Simpson: The highest grade!


"The Simpsons: Clown in the Dumps (#26.1)" (2014)
Marge Simpson: I hear the language on these roasts gets a little... B-L-U-E.
Homer Simpson: Huh?
[Marge points at hair]
Homer Simpson: Oh!


"The Simpsons: My Mother the Carjacker (#15.2)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.
Marge: You *always* go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?


"The Simpsons: The Kid Is All Right (#25.6)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Why aren't you making new friends?
Bart Simpson: What's wrong with the ones I have now?
Milhouse Van Houten: I finally got that M&M out of my inner ear. I was right, it was a green one.
Homer Simpson: [Thinking] Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear. Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear.
[Santa's Little Helper jumps and takes M&M, which remains in his tongue]
Homer Simpson: [Thinking] Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear and the dog's mouth. Don't eat it...
[Camera pulls back to show the M&M in Homer's tongue]
Marge Simpson: Oh, for Pete's sake!
[Takes M&M out of Homer's mouth and puts it back in Milhouse's ear]


"The Simpsons: The Front (#4.19)" (1993)
Marge Simpson: An invitation to our high school reunion! Gee, that's odd, they didn't send one to you.
Homer's Brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge Simpson: Oh my God!
Homer's Brain: No, the other secret.
Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Marge Simpson: Well, that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it does.


"The Simpsons: Love, Springfieldian Style (#19.12)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: [as Shady] I didn't know you were such a feisty, high-class bitch.
Marge Simpson: [as Vamp] I like how you used the technical term for a female dog.