Lionel Hutz
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Quotes for
Lionel Hutz (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
Lionel Hutz: Now, Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she *forgot* that bottle of... delicious... bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting.
[holds the bottle to his ear]
Lionel Hutz: [whispering] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial!
[puts it down]
Lionel Hutz: Excuse me.
[he runs out of the courtroom, finds a payphone and quickly dials]
Lionel Hutz: Hello, David? I'm really tempted!
David Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.
Lionel Hutz: I love you too, man.

Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly," and the word "dog" with "son."

Lionel Hutz: Hiring me as your attorney, you'll also recieve this free smoking monkey.
[places a toy monkey with a cigarette in it's mouth on the desk]
Marge: Mr Hutz.
Lionel Hutz: Look... he's taking another puff!

Lionel Hutz: And so ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I rest my case.
Judge Snyder: Hmm. Mr Hutz. Do you realize you're not wearing any pants?
Lionel Hutz: I... Ahh!
[David Crosby shakes his head in shame]
Lionel Hutz: I move for a 'bad court thingy'.
Judge Snyder: You mean a *mistrial?*
Lionel Hutz: Yeah! That's why you're the 'judge' and I'm the 'law talking guy?'
Judge Snyder: The *lawyer?*
Lionel Hutz: Right.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
Lionel Hutz: Very well, but first some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half hour.
Ned Flanders: Agreed! Number two, the jury will be chosen by me!
Lionel Hutz: Agreed... no, wait...
Ned Flanders: Silence!

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wassn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

Lionel Hutz: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
Marge: But we did win.
Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Hit by a Car (#2.10)" (1991)
[the lawyer asks Marge's opinion of Dr. Riviera's competence]
Marge: I'm sorry, but my mother said, if you can't say anything nice about someone, you shouldn't say anything at all.
Homer: [whispering] Will that hold up in court?
Lionel Hutz: No, I've tried it.

Lisa Simpson: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?
Lionel Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?

Lionel Hutz: [giving Bart his business card] Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
Homer: Ooh, classy!

"The Simpsons: Burns' Heir (#5.18)" (1994)
[the Simpsons hire Lionel Hutz - also advertising "expert shoe repair" to represent them in a custody battle with Burns over Bart]
Judge Snyder: [bangs gavel] The Court rules in favor of Mr. Burns. I find he is clearly the boy's biological father!
Lionel Hutz: [hammers a nail] Excuse me, Judge, these won't be ready until Thursday.
Marge Simpson: [to Homer] You know, we've really got to stop hiring him.

Lionel Hutz: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.

"The Simpsons: Marge Gets a Job (#4.7)" (1992)
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is exactly what I need to help rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning.
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.

[Marge, Homer, and Lionel Hutz confront Burns in his office]
Lionel Hutz: [slams his briefcase down on the desk] Mr. Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent, and a paper trail a mile long!
Mr. Burns: Yes? Well, *I* have ten high-priced lawyers.
[He presses a button, opening a wall panel and revealing his ten lawyers standing in a row. Hutz screams in terror and dashes out of the room]
Homer Simpson: He left his briefcase.
[opens it]
Homer Simpson: Hey! It's full of shredded newspaper.

"The Simpsons: Bart the Murderer (#3.4)" (1991)
Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!

Principal Skinner: [just as Bart is to be found guilty for allegedly murdering Principal Skinner, Skinner suddenly barges into the courtroom] I suppose you're all wondering where I've been. It all started a week ago. I was at my desk revising and updating the school dress code when
[in flashback]
Principal Skinner: I was suddenly confronted by a gang of toughs acting on behalf of one Bart Simpson, or so they said.
Louie: [to Skinner] We really think there's promise in the boy.
Principal Skinner: [rising from his desk] Get out!
Fat Tony: Ok. Ok. You don't have to yell.
Principal Skinner: To get my mind off that ugly confrontation I went home and began bundling my old newspapers... but suddenly the pile fell. I was trapped! Let this be a lesson to recycle frequently. For the next week I stayed alive by eating my mother's delicious preserves and maintained my sanity by dribbling a nearby basketball with my one free hand. I made a game of it. Seeing how many times I could bounce the ball in a day, and then trying to break that record. Occasionally, the police arrived to search my home.
Chief Wiggum: Find anything this time boys?
Lou: Nah, no sign of him Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Princess Opal?
Princess Opal: I see nothing here. But I'm afraid it's Splitsville for Delta Burke and Major Dad.
Chief Wiggum: But they seemed so happy.
Principal Skinner: I shouted until I was hoarse, but they couldn't hear me.
Principal Skinner: I'M IN HERE!
Chief Wiggum: Well, let's go.
Eddie: Ok Chief.
Principal Skinner: Finally, I realised if I was ever going to get out of there I would have to do it myself. I formed a crude rocket from a discarded cigar tube and remembering an experiment from my days as a 4th Grade science teacher I concocted a fuel from baking soda and the juice of discarded lemon wedges. The rocket took off with a mighty blast of carbon dioxide dragging behind it the end of a vacuum cleaner cord. I grabbed onto the vacuum cleaner, pushed the cord retractor button, and was on my way to freedom. That's my courageous story.
Prosecuting Attorney: [everyone in the courtroom gives Skinner a round of applause] Your Honour, the prosecution moves that Principal Skinner's testimony be stricken from the record.
Judge Snyder: Denied. Case dismissed.
Lionel Hutz: Your Honour. Do I still get paid?

"The Simpsons: Realty Bites (#9.9)" (1997)
Lionel Hutz: [ringing a bell] Attention.
[the bell dinger breaks off]
Lionel Hutz: Ding-ding, ding-ding, ding-ding. Listen up, everybody. Marge Simpson sold her first house.

[Marge is working at a real estate firm]
Lionel Hutz: I've been getting a lot of calls about you, Marge. People just love your no-pressure approach.
Marge: Well, you know what we say: the right house for the right person.
Lionel Hutz: I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The right house is the house that's for sale. And the right person is anyone.

"The Simpsons: New Kid on the Block (#4.8)" (1992)
Lionel Hutz: Now, Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what happened after you and your husband were ejected out of the restaurant.
Marge: Well, we pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, remember that you are under oath.
Marge: We drove around until three in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find one?
Marge: [crying] We... went... fishing.
Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man whose had ALL he could eat?
[the jury is made up of fat, obese people]
Jury: No, no.
Man in Jury: No, that could've been me!

[Homer has been thrown out of an all-you-can-eat restaurant for eating too much]
Lionel Hutz: This is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against the movie The Neverending Story.
Homer: So, do you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I don't use the word 'hero' lightly, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Homer: Woohoo!

"The Simpsons: Flaming Moe's (#3.10)" (1991)
Marge Simpson: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
Lionel Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
Homer Simpson: [whines] Oh!
Lionel Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!

"The Simpsons: The Springfield Connection (#6.23)" (1995)
Lionel Hutz: I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.

"The Simpsons: Selma's Choice (#4.13)" (1993)
[during a video will from Great-Aunt Gladys]
Great-Aunt Gladys: Now, let's get down to business...
Lionel Hutz: [dubbed in] To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
Marge: Mr. Hutz!
Lionel Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would.

"The Simpsons: A Streetcar Named Marge (#4.2)" (1992)
Helen: My name is Helen Lovejoy and I'll be playing Stella.
Apu: I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I play Steve.
Otto: My name is Otto. I'm playing Pablo.
Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch.
Marge: I'm Marge Simpson, I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.
[Sinclair takes one and eats it]
Sinclair: Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality?
Chief Wiggum: I would.