Lisa Simpson
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Quotes for
Lisa Simpson (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
The Simpsons Movie (2007)
[Bart claps]
Lisa Simpson: What are you doing, Bart?
Bart Simpson: Eh, just passing the time.
[Bart claps, snow repeatedly falls on Homer]
Homer Simpson: Aw, my boy loves Alaska so much, he's applauding it. Lisa, why aren't you clapping?
Lisa Simpson: But Dad!
Homer Simpson: [sternly] Clap for Alaska!
[Lisa claps along with Bart]
Homer Simpson: [Homer is buried under an avalanche]

Lisa Simpson: [during end credits] It looks like Maggie has something to say!
Marge Simpson: Oh my God! Her first word!
Maggie Simpson: [takes pacifier out of mouth]
[pause]
Maggie Simpson: Sequel?

Colin: I'm Colin.
Lisa Simpson: I haven't seen you at school
Colin: Just moved from Ireland. My dad's a musician.
Lisa Simpson: Is he...?
Colin: He's not Bono.
Lisa Simpson: I just thought because you're Irish and you care about...
Colin: He's NOT Bono.

Lisa Simpson: But I'm so angry.
Marge Simpson: You're a woman. You can hold on to it forever.

Lisa Simpson: Our crisis level will be here.
Lenny: That's not so bad.
Lisa Simpson: No, this forklift is messed up.
[the forklift goes crazy until it is back to normal]
Lisa Simpson: Am I getting through to anyone?
Krusty the Clown: Hell yeah, we need a new one of those things!

Lisa Simpson: [Lisa and Colin are pressing their hands against the glass] I never thought my life would have an absolutely perfect moment, but this...
Bart Simpson: [sing-song] Lisa's got a boyfriend / That she'll never see again!
[Lisa cold-cocks Bart]

[Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day sings "da-da-da" to the final part of the Simpsons tune, following his teleprompter]
Billie Joe Armstrong: Alright, well thanks a lot for coming. We've been playing for three and a half hours, now we'd like just a minute of your time to say something about the environment.
[there is a deathly silence, followed by huge boos from the Springfieldians. They start throwing things at Green Day]
Barney Gumble: Preachy!
Billie Joe Armstrong: We're not being preachy!
Tre Cool: But the pollution in your lake - it's dissolving our barge!
[Moe is sitting in a deck chair. Lisa is standing next to him]
Lisa Simpson: I thought they touched on a vital issue.
Moe: I beg to differ.
[He throws a rock at the stage, which penetrates the bass drum and hits Frank in the crotch]
Tre Cool: Oh.
Mike Dirnt: Gentlemen, it's been an honour playing with you tonight.
[Green Day put down their instruments and bring out violins as the barge sinks. Lisa looks on woefully]

Lisa Simpson: This town is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare! But I knew you wouldn't listen. So I took the liberty of pouring water from the lake in all your drinking glasses!
[everyone spits out their water in disgust]
Moe: See, this is why we should hate kids!

Bart Simpson: Let us out! Let us out!
EPA Official: Stop that! You'll scratch your shackles!
Bart Simpson: I hope I do!
[rubs shackles on cage, a gas then enters the truck]
Lisa Simpson: Oh way to go Bart!
Bart Simpson: [drugged] You stink.
Lisa Simpson: [even more drugged] No you stink.
[they both pass out]

Lisa Simpson: You monster! You monster!
Homer Simpson: Uh, did you see the news?

Lisa Simpson: Colin! Colin!
Milhouse: Lisa, Colin is dead.
[Lisa gasps]
Milhouse: His last words were, "Milhouse, take care of Lisa. Hold her hand."
[realizes Colin is standing beside him]
Milhouse: Uh, I got her all warmed up for ya.

Lisa Simpson: Mom, I've got to go find Colin.
Marge Simpson: Not now, sweetie. Doomsday is family time.

[the wrecking ball dings the truck Marge, Lisa and Bart are in]
Bart Simpson: Did you hear something?
Lisa Simpson: Probably just a moth.
Marge Simpson: I hope it's okay.

Homer Simpson: So, who wants waffles?
Bart Simpson, Grampa, Lisa Simpson: I do! I do! I do!
Marge Simpson: What about Grampa?
Bart Simpson: I want syrup!
Lisa Simpson: I want strawberries!
Marge Simpson: Shouldn't we be concerned about what happened in church?
Homer Simpson: I'll tell you what happened. A certain someone had a senior moment, but that's okay, because we love him anyway, and we got a free rug out of it.
[Kisses Grampa on the forehead]
Marge Simpson: What's the point of going to church every Sunday if when someone we love has a genuine religious experience we ignore it? Right, Grampa?
Grampa: I want bananas on my waffles.
Homer Simpson: I rest my case.

Lisa Simpson: [Knocks on door] Good morning. Sorry to bother you on a Sunday morning, but I'm sure you're as worried about Lake Springfield as I am.
[Door slams, Lisa knocks at the next house]
Lisa Simpson: Did you know that levels of mercury in Lake Springfield are higher than even...
[Door slams, Lisa knocks at the next door]
Sweet Old Lady: Why, it's the little girl who saved my cat.
Lisa Simpson: Lake Springfield...
[Door slams]
Lisa Simpson: Oh.

Homer Simpson: I've always been afraid I'd screw up our lives so bad that I've had to come up with a back-up plan. And that plan is right here!
[Pulls out wallet; takes out Monopoly "Get Out Of Jail Free" card]
Homer Simpson: No.
[Takes out photo of Michael Jordan with his face taped over it]
Homer Simpson: No.
[Takes out folded piece of paper]
Homer Simpson: Bingo!
[Unfolds paper; it takes a long time]
Homer Simpson: Bear with me.
[finally unfolds paper, a huge poster of Alaska with the tagline "A Fresh Start"]
Lisa Simpson: Alaska?
Homer Simpson: Alaska! Where you can't be too fat or too drunk. When no one says things like "Let's see your high school equivalency certificate."


The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
Lisa Simpson: Milhouse, stop following me around!
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh hi, Lisa. My, your hair looks pointy today.
Lisa Simpson: Milhouse, have you seen Bart?
Milhouse Van Houten: So, do you have a date to the harvest ball?
Lisa Simpson: This isn't a good time.
Milhouse Van Houten: It's NEVER a good time!
[cries]

Lisa Simpson: Mission accomplished, but Bart's still missing and I'm still no closer to finding him.
Apu: Perhaps you should talk to Professor Frink. He seems to know everything... except why I ever came to this jerkwater burg.

Homer Simpson: Here's your science project.
Lisa Simpson: Thanks for delivering my model of the digestive system. Hey! Where's the gall bladder?
Homer Simpson: I got hungry and... it was a fig?
Lisa Simpson: It was modeling clay!
Homer Simpson: Oh.

Lisa Simpson: Speed glorious speed!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, I'm so proud of you for stopping the alien invasion.
Homer Simpson: Did that really happen? I thought it was a bad dream from eating too many raw hot dogs.
Marge Simpson: No, Homey! You're the town hero!
Homer Simpson: Really? And what about the ninja babysitters? Was that real or a hot dog dream?
Lisa Simpson: Hot dog dream.

Lisa Simpson: I am the lizard queen!

Lisa Simpson: See? You are a good cop!
Chief Wiggum: Ah, you're just saying that.
Lisa Simpson: Yes, I am.

[Nelson starts a street race]
Nelson Muntz: Three! Two! A loser says what?
Lisa Simpson: What?
Nelson Muntz: HA ha!

Chief Wiggum: Now, first of all, if you're gonna go undercover, you are gonna need a disguise.
Lisa Simpson: You mean like an eye patch?
Chief Wiggum: Hey, good one! If we could afford a disguise like that, I wouldn't be payed in potato chip coupons.

Lisa Simpson: Er... Can you help a sister out?

Lisa Simpson: Pissed off eight-year-old coming through!

Lisa Simpson: [after crashing and wrecking] Bart did it!


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Vegetarian (#7.5)" (1995)
Lisa: I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbeque.
Homer: I understand honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.

Homer: Lisa! Lisa! Come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am.
Lisa: Hi dad. Looking for me?
Homer: I don't know. You looking for me?
Lisa: I don't know.
Homer: Ohhhh. Lisa. I was looking for you. I wanted to apologize. I don't know exactly what went wrong but it's always my fault.
Lisa: Actually Dad, this time, I was wrong...
Homer: Oooh!
Lisa: ...too.
Homer: Ohh.
Lisa: While I was gone I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney.
Homer: Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know?
Lisa: I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbeque.
Homer: I understand honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid. Come on, I'll give you a piggyback... I mean a veggieback ride home.

Lisa: I never realized before, but some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons send the message that violence against animals is funny.
Bart: They what? Cartoons don't have messages, Lisa.
[moves toward door]
Bart: They're just a bunch of hilarious stuff you know, like people getting hurt and stuff, stuff like that.
[Bart gets slammed behind the door by Homer]
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [reading the invitation] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't you have some other type of party, one where you don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat?'. I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
Bart: [musically] You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
Bart, Homer: You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
Bart, Homer, Marge: You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
Lisa: Mom!
Marge: I don't mean to take sides, I just got caught up in the rhythm.

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad?
Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you! You barbeque-wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
Lisa: That's IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore. I am out of here!
[leaves and slams the door]
Homer: That's it! Go to your room!

[Homer is scanning the sky with binoculars, looking for his pig]
Bart: Give it up, Dad. Piggy ain't coming back.
[Homer growls and throws the binoculars into the garbage]
Homer: Lisa! You ruined my barbeque! I demand you apologize this second!
Lisa: I'm never ever apologizing because I was standing up for a just cause and you were wrong, wrong, wrong! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to my room!
Homer: That's it! Go to your room!

[Homer fills the grill with lighter fluid and prepares to grill]
Lisa: Wait Dad! Good news, everyone! You don't have to eat meat! I've got enough gazpacho for everyone.
[Crowd murmurs]
Lisa: It's tomato soup, served ice cold!
[Crowd laughs out loud as Lisa growls and stomps off]
Barney Gumble: Go back to Russia!

[Apu reveals the entrance to his secret garden]
Lisa: Wow, a hidden staircase. But what do you do if someone wants a non-alcoholic beer?
Apu: You know, it's never come up...

[Lisa's been sent to her room and Homer flips a burger way to high]
Lisa: It's bad enough they're eating meat. They don't have to throw it in my face.
[Homer's burger lands on Lisa's face]

Lisa: When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy simply eating vegetables, fruits, grains and cheese.
Apu: Oh, cheese!
Lisa: You don't eat cheese, Apu
Apu: No I don't eat any food that comes from an animal.
Lisa: Ohh, then you must think I'm a monster!
Apu: Yes indeed I do think that. But, I learned long ago Lisa to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them. You know you can influence people without badgering them always.

Lisa: Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB.
Bart: Hey, Homer, what's that B for?
Homer: That's a typo.


"The Simpsons: The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (#8.25)" (1997)
Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.

[the Simpsons pass a literature class at the academy]
Cadet in Poetry Class: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
Lisa: They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school.
Poetry Instructor: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?
Marge Simpson: Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

[during a hazing in the rain]
Cadet: What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud?
Lisa: Is there any answer that I can give that won't result in more push-ups?
[the platoon huddles]
Cadet: No.

Lisa: Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.
Bart Simpson: But if you quit, it'd be like an expert knot tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot.
Lisa: Why'd you say that?
Bart Simpson: I dunno, I was just looking at my shoelaces.

Lisa: [reading a note from Bart] "Meet me at the Eliminator after lights out. P.S. The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you." Oh...
[holds her tray up just in time to deflect a fusillade of meatballs]

[crossing the "Eliminator" rope climb]
Lisa: If only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on... oh, God, I'm delirious.

Lisa: I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough.
Bart Simpson: I thought you came here looking for a challenge.
Lisa: Duh! A challenge I could do!

Lisa: [after conquering the "Eliminator" rope climb] I did it! I did it!
Bart Simpson: Way to go, Lis! I'm so proud of you!
[pause]
Bart Simpson: You can put your arms down now, Lis.
Lisa: I can't, they're stuck!

[Bart's latest prank has shattered windows all over the city]
Homer Simpson: [shouting] You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
Lisa: [shouting] When do you expect the ringing will stop?
Chief Wiggum: [checking his watch, shouting] In about ten to fifteen seconds!
Marge Simpson: [shouting] I certainly hope-!
[ringing stops]
Marge Simpson: -so!
[covers her mouth, embarrassed; normal voice]
Marge Simpson: That's better.


"The Simpsons: Dead Putting Society (#2.6)" (1990)
[browsing the card catalog]
Lisa: Let's see, Golf... Anecdotes... Eisenhower and... Fashion... Humor... Japanese Obsession With... Ah, here it is: Putting.

Bart: Hey, Lis, what do you call those guys in chess that don't matter?
Lisa: Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're referring to a pawn.
Bart: Right, I am a pawn.
Lisa: I know. It's times like this I'm thankful that Dad has little to no interest in almost everything I do.

[preparing for the big miniature golf tournament]
Lisa: Eighth hole.
Bart: Aim for the octopus's third tentacle.
Lisa: Twelfth hole.
Bart: Bank it off the pink tombstone.
Lisa: Nirvana.
Bart: A state of bliss attained through the extinction of the self.

Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound. But here goes: I believe in you.
Bart: Thanks, man.

[Lisa takes Bart to the library]
Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books.
Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
Bart: Oh. Heh, heh. Gotcha.
[wink]

Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
Bart: Okay.
Lisa: Embrace nothingness.
Bart: You got it.
Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone.
Bart: Done.
Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about.
Bart: True.
Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating.
Bart: I'll bet.

Lisa: Why do I have the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?

Lisa: I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.

Lisa: [Looking at the library catalog for books about golf for Bart] Golf, golf... Anecdotes... Eisenhower and... Fashion... Humor... Japanese obsession with...


The Simpsons Game (2007) (VG)
Homer Simpson: It's a nerd!
Will Wright: Not just any nerd. The nerdiest nerd in all the cyberverse!
Lisa Simpson: Dad that's Will Wright. Creator of Sim City and The Sims.
Will Wright: Don't forget my biggest flop: Sim Sandwich Maker. It's failure drove me mad.

Lisa Simpson: According to this you have video game powers too.
Marge Simpson: So I can talk to fish like Aquaman? Or do whatever it is Hawkman does?
Lisa Simpson: No, it says you have the power to make people do whatever you tell them to do.
Marge Simpson: Just like Oprah.

Lisa Simpson: It's the mother ship!
Bart Simpson: This must be the level boss for this part of the game.
Homer Simpson: The boss! Quick act natural.
[puts on business glasses and pretends to write on a clipboard]

Lisa Simpson: Both sides are wrong, but yours is more so.

Marge Simpson: [reading the newspaper] Yes! The legislative branch comes through again!
Lisa Simpson: Uh, Mom? Keep reading.
[Marge sees a picture in the paper showing Mayor Quimby accepting a bag of money]
Marge Simpson: Hmmm... Quimby's cozying up to that sleazy video game producer. That really burns my beehive!

[while fighting the dolphins]
Lisa Simpson: Watch out, Bart! They're smarter than you!

8-Bit Lisa Simpson: One day, your video game too will be obsolete.
Bart Simpson: No way! The Simpsons Game is awesome! Just because every video game up until now has been destroyed and forgotten doesn't mean ours will be.
Lisa Simpson: Bart, she's right. I mean, I'm right. We're both right. No video game is safe from an industry that's always chasing the hot new thing! Sure, The Simpsons Game is great with it's unique upgradable character abilities, and it's hilarious self referential cut scenes, but what about when the Xbox 720 comes out, or the PlayStation 4? No one will want to play us then.

Lisa Simpson: If our life's a video game, then this must be the game engine.
Homer Simpson: I'm not a video game character. I'm a real person with feelings and dreams and...
[accidentally walks off a the edge and falls only to reappear next to them again]
Homer Simpson: Okay I'm a video game thingie.


"The Simpsons: MoneyBart (#22.3)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: [watching Lisa practice fencing to get into Harvard] Sweetie, you could still go to McGill, the Harvard of Canada.
Lisa Simpson: Anything that's the "something" of the "something" isn't really the "anything" of "anything".

Lisa Simpson: Bottom line: I need an extracurricular activity, and no one else will coach you loveable losers.
Bart Simpson: We're not losers! Last year we finished six and five.
Nelson Muntz: And we're not loveable. We had a tall freckle-faced kid on the team that we picked on 'til he quit.
[to tall, freckled kid walking down the street]
Nelson Muntz: Hey, Splatterface! How's the weather up there?
[Kid leaves downhearted]
Nelson Muntz: It's too bad, 'cause he's a great hitter, but it's worth it.

Nelson Muntz: Hey, get a room, you two.
Lisa Simpson: We're brother and sister.
Milhouse Van Houten: So are my parents, I think.

Lisa Simpson: I was wondering if you and your friends could tell me about baseball strategy.
Moe Szyslak: The only thing I know about strategy is that everything the manager does is crap. Unless it works, in which case he's a button pusher.
Lenny: I hate people who just push buttons all day.
Carl: You just push buttons all day.
Lenny: You know, ever since Obama came in, you have all the answers, don't you?

Lisa Simpson: I need another player. Ralph is too juiced.
Ralph Wiggum: [surrounded by juice boxes] I didn't know what I was putting into my body.

Lisa Simpson: Managers manage, and players play.
Ralph Wiggum: Do alligators alligate?
Lisa Simpson: I don't know! Yes!
Ralph Wiggum: I'm scared!

Nelson Muntz: She can do the kind of math that has letters. Watch. What's X, Lisa?
Lisa Simpson: Well, that depends...
Nelson Muntz: Sorry. She did it yesterday.


"The Simpsons: I Love Lisa (#4.15)" (1993)
Janey: Miss Hoover, can we exchange our valentines?
Miss Hoover: Not just yet, Janey. First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the Valentines.
Lisa: Isn't that just pointless busy work?
Miss Hoover: Bulls-eye. Get cracking.

Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer: Sure it is, honey. You *do* mean stealing, don't you?

[Bart and Lisa both want to go to the Krusty Anniversary Show, and Ralph Wiggum has tickets to take himself and her; his crush]
Lisa: I don't even know if I should go. I don't even like him.
Bart: You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. I'll go disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he -...
Bart: [interrupts Lisa] You don't wanna know how far I'll go.

Krusty the Klown: Is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
Ralph Wiggum: Yes, she is. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up I'm going to marry her.
Lisa: [erupting] Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Now you listen to me! I don't like you, I never liked you, and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!

Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge Simpson: Well, honey, I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard them all: "I like you as a friend," "I think we should see other people," "I no speak English"...
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: "I'm married to the sea," "I don't want to kill you but I will"...
Marge Simpson: Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy that you're very flattered, but you're just not ready for this kind of thing.
Lisa: Thanks, Mom.
Homer: And if that doesn't work, six simple words: "I'm not gay, but I'll learn."

Lisa: [in the Presidential play, Lisa is Martha Washington and Ralph is George Washington] Dear, dear George Washington. Can this liberty you dream of be worth all this bloodshed?
Ralph Wiggum: Dear madam, would you put a price on the air we breathe, or the providence that sustains us?
Lisa: But couldn't we just give into the British?
Ralph Wiggum: NEVER!
Lisa: [George Washington is on his deathbed] Please don't leave me George...
Ralph Wiggum: Dear wife, if I could take but one treasure with me to the next life, it would be your tender kiss.
[he kisses her hand and dies; she cries]

Marge: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard 'em all.
[ticking off on his fingers]
Homer: "I like you as a friend", "I think we should see other people", "I no speak English"...
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: "I'm married to the sea", "I don't want to kill you, but I will"...
Marge: Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy you're flattered, but you're just not ready for this sort of thing.
Lisa: Thanks, Mom.
Homer: And if that doesn't work- six simple words: "I'm not gay but I'll learn."


"The Simpsons: The Squirt and the Whale (#21.19)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: [Homer is using fans connected to Flanders' house to power the turbine] Dad, it sort of defeats the whole purpose of using wind power if you power the windmill with electricity from Flanders.
Ned Flanders: Homer, this meeting of your "fan" club is adjourned.
Homer Simpson: But we haven't heard the minutes of our last meeting.
[Flanders disconnects fans]
Homer Simpson: You used to be nicer!

Lisa Simpson: We're going to check out the storm damage!
Homer Simpson: Be careful! If you see a downed power line, do whatever it is people are supposed to do in that situation.

Homer Simpson: Lisa, you take the car.
Lisa Simpson: But I can't drive.
Homer Simpson: Haven't you learned anything from watching Bart drive?
Lisa Simpson: A little.

Lisa Simpson: Those babies are doomed, just like their mom. I guess it's just nature's way.
Homer Simpson: Nature is just a toothless, dying old hag! Let's go save those baby whales!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, the sharks must think you're a baby whale!
Homer Simpson: Ooh, a baby whale. My diet is working.

Lisa Simpson: Do you think they'll be all okay?
Homer Simpson: Absolutely. He's young, he's got a couple of cute kids, soon he'll hook up with a beautiful octopus. They'll have to sell the old place, too many memories, but if I'm not mistaken, there might be a little whalepus on the way.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, I found what you were looking for.
Homer Simpson: A churro you can eat in the shower?


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!
Montgomery Burns: Why, Bart's right here!
Bart Simpson: Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
Homer Simpson: Oh, Lisa! You and your stories! "Dad, Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's get back to that... building thingy... where our beds and T.V... is.

[Lisa takes a sip from her chalice and gasps]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, this is blood!
Homer Simpson: Correction: FREE blood.
[guzzles it down and sighs]

Lisa Simpson: Grampa's a vampire?
Bart Simpson: We're all vampires.
[Bart, Homer, Marge, and Maggie all float into the air, baring their fangs as Lisa backs away in horror]
Lisa Simpson: But... no! We killed Mr. Burns!
Homer Simpson: You have to kill the *head* vampire?
Lisa Simpson: [gasp] You're the head vampire?
Marge Simpson: No, *I'm* the head vampire!
[She laughs demonically]
Lisa Simpson: Mom?
Marge Simpson: [normal voice] Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you notice anything strange?
Homer Simpson: Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.
Montgomery Burns: I heard that!
Homer Simpson: [quickly points to Bart] It was the boy!

Homer: No, no, they're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead! Nosferatu!
[the rest stare at her blankly]
Lisa: A vampire!
Homer: [chuckles] Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

Lisa: You must drive this stake right through his heart.
Homer: Take that, vile fiend!
[pounds the stake]
Lisa: Uh, Dad? That's his crotch.

Marge Simpson: [Homer's Head is turned into a huge donut, and is eating it] Homer, stop picking at it.
Homer Simpson: But, I'm so sweet and tasty.
[Looks at his watch]
Homer Simpson: Well, time to go to work.
Lisa Simpson: [Getting in Homer's way] No dad. I wouln't go outside if I were you.
Chief Wiggum: [With the rest of Springfield's police force waiting outside of the Simpson's home with their coffee mugs] Don't worry, boys, he's gotta come outta there sometime.


"The Simpsons: Summer of 4 Ft. 2 (#7.25)" (1996)
Marge: I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself.
Lisa: Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked.

Homer: [picking up Lisa's empty suitcase] Hmm, somebody's traveling light!
Lisa: Meh, maybe you're getting stronger.
Homer: Well, I have been eating more.

Marge: Isn't this fun, Lisa?
Lisa: It must be exciting to make a whole different set of beds.
Marge: I know you're joking, but it is!

Erin: Hey, I like your hat.
Lisa: [thinking] A compliment! Scanning for sarcasm... it's clean! Go!

Lisa: [to herself] Okay, okay calm down, it was just a bird, you don't control the birds, you will someday but not today.

Marge: Say bye bye to our house, Maggie! Bye bye tree!
Homer Simpson: Bye bye, work!
Bart: Bye bye, toothbrush
Lisa: Bye bye, Lisa Simpson

Marge: And you're sure the Flanderses won't be there? Well, it sounds great. Bart you can call Milhouse. Lise, you can invite a friend too.
Lisa: Great a friend! Or some girl I know... I don't know... stuffed animal?


"The Simpsons: Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy (#5.14)" (1994)
Lisa: I can believe you're just going to let your daughter live in a world where this... THIS is their role-model.
Marge: I had a Malibu Stacy doll when I was little and I turned out all right. Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.
Malibu Stacy: [Lisa pulls on Malibu Stacy's string] Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.
[Marge murmurs]
Lisa: That's it I'm calling the company.

[while making the doll for Lisa]
Lisa: Don't forget to get my mom's hair just right.
Stacy Lavelle: I think we'll use someone else for the hair.
Lisa: [pointing to her head] How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: Well...
Bart Simpson: [pointing to his head] How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: Oh...
Homer Simpson: [pointing to his head] How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: YOU ALL HAVE HIDEOUS HAIR!
[everyone gasps]
Stacy Lavelle: I mean from a design point of view.
[everyone approves in agreement]

Lisa: They cannot keep making dolls like this! Something has to be done!
Marge: [after a long pause] Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in. But you've been doing that an awful lot lately!
Bart Simpson: Yeah! You made us march in that gay rights parade!

Lisa: Don't you see what's wrong with what Malibu Stacy says?
Celeste: There's something wrong with what my Stacy says.
[the girl pulls the string to reveal Spider-Man's voice]
Malibu Stacy Voice: My Spidey Sense is tingling. Anybody call for a web-slinger?

Lisa: Excuse me, Miss Lavelle? I'd like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy?
Stacy Lavelle: You have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down?
Lisa: Am I the first?
Stacy Lavelle: ...Yes.

Lisa: Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act.
[breathlessly]
Lisa: That they can't be anymore than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, spend all day on a boat with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!
Bart Simpson: ...That's what I was going to say.
Lisa: ARGHH!
[throws the doll out the window]


"The Simpsons: Lisa on Ice (#6.8)" (1994)
[Lisa is playing goalie for a minor hockey team]
Lisa: Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way. Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face. Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard. Hack the bone. Hack the bone.
Homer: Wow. Eye of the tiger, mouth of a Teamster.

Lisa: Bart! What are you doing in my room?
Bart Simpson: Lisa, certain differences - rivalries, if you will - have arisen between us. At first I thought that we could talk it out, like grown-ups. But instead, I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny!
Lisa: [confused] Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy.
Bart Simpson: AH! Mr. Honeybunny!
[pushes the head back on, and kisses it]

Lisa: Bart, just get out of here.
Bart Simpson: Hey, you get out out. It's a free country.
Lisa: That doesn't make any sense.
Bart Simpson: I know you are, but what am I?
Lisa: Get out, get out!
Bart Simpson: All right. But on my way, I'm going to be doing this...
[windmills his arms]
Bart Simpson: If you get hit, it's your own fault.
Lisa: Okay, then I'm going to start kicking air, like this...
[kicks up her foot]
Lisa: And if any part of you should fill that air...
[kicks up her other foot]
Lisa: It's *your* own fault.
[They shut their eyes and move toward each other, grunting as they flail or kick. Cut to downstairs in the kitchen, where Marge and Homer are. Their grunts soon turn to yells of pain, and sounds of fighting]

[Before the big hockey game]
Bart Simpson: Good luck, Lis. I'll try not to *hurt* you.
Lisa: That's okay, I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's *head.*
[reveals it on a string around her neck]
Bart Simpson: [gasp] Mr. Honeybunny! You inhuman monster!
Lisa: You want a piece of me?
[They start fighting, Apu pulls them apart]
Apu: Hey, hey! Save this precious hatred for the game!

[Lisa has received an academic alert that she is failing gym class]
Marge: Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder.
Homer: Whew. That's all of 'em.
[puts stack of academic alerts in front of Bart]
Homer: And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son?
Bart: Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates.
Homer: Done and done.
Lisa: That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out?
Homer: [sitting back] Ah, the mysteries of life.

Homer: Can somebody pass the mustard?
[Bart tries to pass the mustard to Homer, but Lisa blocks it]
Lisa: You're going to have to do better than that tonight, chump.
Marge Simpson: I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in my house!


"The Simpsons: Dial 'N' for Nerder (#19.14)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: Hey, I didn't know this park was here.
Lisa Simpson: You wrote a report on it last week.
Bart Simpson: The internet wrote it. I just handed it in.

Martin Prince: Care to make it a trio, Bart? You can brush and I can blow.
Bart Simpson: Well, I agree you blow.
Martin Prince: Then it's a plan!
Bart Simpson: A lot of people blow, but no one blows like you.
Martin Prince: High praise indeed.
Bart Simpson: If you looked up blow in the dictionary...
Lisa Simpson: Bart, he's not gonna get it.

Martin Prince: A bone? It could be from one of the major Homos!
Bart Simpson: You're one of the major...
Lisa Simpson: Forget it!

Bart Simpson: See that fat lady with the moustache? That's you.
Lisa Simpson: See that hippo rolling in dung? You're the dung.
Marge Simpson: That's enough. You each got one in.
Bart Simpson: Oh, but her's was better.

[Lisa imagines being in jail]
Guard: Bookmobile.
Lisa Simpson: Got any Joyce Carol Oates?
Guard: Nothing but Danielle Steele.
Lisa Simpson: Noooo!

Nelson Muntz: I hope you two learned something from all this.
Lisa Simpson: I learned that inside my goody-two-shoes are some very dark socks.
Bart Simpson: And I learned that killing a nerd is not as cool as it sounds.
Nelson Muntz: There's just one more thing...
[turns to camera]
Nelson Muntz: You folks have a good night.


"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Homer: [muttering] Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two...
[at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom]
Homer: ...let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods...
Lisa: Dad, it's 3:00 AM. Cant you mutter in your room?
Homer: Marge kicked me out.
Lisa: All right, go ahead.
Homer: Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children...

Homer: Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around.
[Homer starts pushing Lisa around]
Homer: D'you want that? Huh? Do ya?
Lisa: No...

Marge: Homer! I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?
Homer: I thought Smithers did it.
Lisa: That would've made a lot more sense.

Marge: [as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?
Bart Simpson: Um...
Homer: Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!
[points gun to himself]
Marge: Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.
Homer: You said the breakfast table.
Marge: It's the same table!
Homer: Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.
[attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board]
Homer: Oh... I guess the safety was on.
[He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest]
Homer: I'd better just put it down.
[sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes]
Lisa: No offense Mom, but that was pretty cool.

Marge: How did you know we were being robbed?
Lenny: The clerk here pressed the silent alarm, and we picked it up on our scanners.
Lisa: Did anyone stop that robber?
Moe: No, I don't think so.


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Beauty Queen (#4.4)" (1992)
Lisa: [sobbing] I'm ugly, dad.
Homer: No you're not. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Fathers have to say that.
Homer: [as Grampa walks by] Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt!
Homer: [to Lisa] See?

Lisa: Do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
Homer: I dunno. Was I drunk?
Lisa: Possibly.

Kent Brockman: [on TV] Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today.
[the TV shows footage of a goat being fed a bottle of milk]
Kent Brockman: Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. Uh, but it does seem the father of deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space", he wrote "Okay".
Homer: [to Lisa] If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me.
Lisa: Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
Homer: I don't know. Was I drunk?
Lisa: Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.
Homer: Really?
Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?
Lisa: It's a deal.
[Lisa and Homer hug each other]
Kent Brockman: And now, my exclusive interview with His Holiness, Pope John Paul II.
[the goat footage plays again]
Kent Brockman: That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's. Call the weekend guy, I don't care!
[sound of Brockman slamming the door]

[as Bart demonstrates walking in heels]
Lisa: Do you really think I can win?
Bart Simpson: Hey, I'm starting to think I can win.
Lisa: But those other girls are prettier than me!
Bart Simpson: Lis, as your brother, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to say... you're not ugly.
Lisa: Oh, Bart!
[throws her arms around him]

[after Lisa loses the pageant, the family is watching the winner being crowned; it starts to rain]
Marge: Oh, dear. It would be such a shame if that pretty dress got wet.
Lisa: I'd say the bigger danger is her sceptre acting as a lightning rod. Unless it's made out of plastic.
[BOOM!]
Bart Simpson: Nope, metal.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XX (#21.4)" (2009)
Lisa Simpson: Apu, how did you survive?
Apu: As a vegetarian, I did not eat any tainted burgers. And as a convenience store owner, I'm armed to the teeth.

Lisa Simpson: [on cell phone] I'm at Krabapple's. Have you established your alibi?
Bart Simpson: Yes. I'm at the tennis match.
Lisa Simpson: Will people remember you were there?
Bart Simpson: [Mooning crowd at tennis court] Oh, I'm pretty sure they will.

Bart Simpson: Let's play "who gets to carry the chosen one"!
[Climbs on Lisa's shoulders; he gets hit on the head by a branch]
Lisa Simpson: Aw, what's wrong? Did the chosen one got a bump on his chosen widdle noggin'?

Lisa Simpson: Dad, are you becoming a muncher?
Homer Simpson: I think the better brains is, which brains is a brains?

Lisa Simpson: But I didn't kill Krabappel!
Bart Simpson: What? You mean to tell me you just rang her doorbell and ran?
Lisa Simpson: Of course! Ding-dong ditch! You didn't say to kill her!
Bart Simpson: You don't say "kill", because you're smart. What I meant was kill that ding-dong and throw her in a ditch. Ding-dong ditch! Sheesh, read a book once in a while.


"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)
Marge: [looking at Bart's collection of death threats] Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting.
Homer Simpson: Oh, uh, I wrote that one, after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.
[Homer drops his pants, revealing a "wide load" tattoo on his rear end. Everyone laughs]
Nelson: [outside the window] Ha ha!
Bart: But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis The Menace.
Homer Simpson: It's probably the person you least suspect.
Lisa: That's good, Dad.
Grampa: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit! It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George Guberlindsey.
Bart: Grandpa, Matlock's not real.
Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

Lisa: Hey, a letter from my pen-pal, Anya.
Anya: [reading, Anya narrates] Dear Lisa, as I write this, I am very sad. Our President has been overthrown and...
[Voice changes]
General Krull: ...replaced, by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull, and his glorious regime. Sincerly... little girl.

Lisa: [Lisa thinks she might know who's been threatening Bart] Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years?
Bart Simpson: Linda Lavin?
Lisa: No, someone who *didn't* deserve it.

[Sideshow Bob ties up the rest of the Simpsons, then goes to Bart's room to kill him. All of the Simpsons struggle against their bonds except Homer, who is snoring and drooling on the deck]
Lisa: Oh, no! Dad's been drugged!
Marge: [annoyed] No, he hasn't.

Homer: Hey, kids! Want to drive through that cactus patch?
Bart: Yeah!
Lisa: Yeah!
Sideshow Bob: [underneath car] No!
Homer: Well, two against one!
[drives through cactus field]
Sideshow Bob: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 2 (#7.1)" (1995)
Lisa: [in Chief Wiggum's surrealistic dream, a la "Twin Peaks"] Chief Wiggum... Don't... Eat... The... Clues.
[Wiggum looks down at his hand and sees he's holding a burning playing card. Lisa holds up a burning Ace]
Lisa: This suit burns better... Look.
Chief Wiggum: Come again?
Lisa: Better... look... burns suit.
Chief Wiggum: I'm not following you.
Lisa: Burns's suit. Burns's suit.
Chief Wiggum: What?
Lisa: [normal voice] Look at Burns's suit! Sheesh!

Lisa: I don't think anyone in this family could be capable of murder.
Grampa: You never know what people are capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane. But last year, I proved myself wrong.

Lisa: Nancy Drew says that all a person needs to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an inquisitive temperament. Maybe I could help solve this.

Grampa: Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse.
[leaves]
Lisa: We don't have an outhouse.
Homer: AH! My toolshed!

Lisa: I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder.
Grampa: You never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a german plane. But last year I proved myself wrong.


"The Simpsons: I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can (#14.12)" (2003)
[Barney lies drunk in the street]
Barney: Spell 'relapse!'
Lisa: R-E-L-A-P-S-E!
Barney: [singing] That's what beer has done to me!

Cletus: Spell 'scabies!'
Lisa: S-C-A-B-I-E-S!
Brandine: [holding her baby by the shirt] Rubella, we got you a middle name!
Cletus: You ain't supposed to hold her like that.

[after learning Homer can't make it to her final meet because he's after the tasty ribwich sandwich]
Lisa: Dad, this is my moment in the sun. How can you miss it to be with a sandwich?

Barney: [drunk, laying on the side of the road] Spell 'relapse'.
Lisa: R-E-L-A-P-S-E
Barney: [singing] That's what beer has done to me! Sockittome, sockittome, sockittome, sockittome!

Otto: Spell AC/DC!
Lisa: A-C-D-C
Otto: Nuh-uh! You forgot the lightning bolt.


"The Simpsons: Grift of the Magi (#11.9)" (1999)
[Lisa has been forced to write on the chalkboard, punishment for doing math in class]
Bart Simpson: [laughs] Lisa in trouble. The ironing is delicious.
Lisa Simpson: The word is irony.
Bart Simpson: Huh?
Lisa Simpson: Don't you think there's something weird going on here? We spent all day selecting fabric swatches and then our guest speaker was Phil, from marketing.
Bart Simpson: All's I know is I'm getting straights A's, and that ain't not bad.

[scene starts with Funzo singing, dancing, and playing with Bart]
Bart Simpson: It's always a party with Funzo!
Lisa Simpson: [Lisa walks up] I admit, it's kind of cute. But it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy.
[Funzo takes the Malibu Stacy doll, breaks it, and throws it in the fire]
Lisa Simpson: AWHH! Did you see that!
Bart Simpson: Yeah! Funzo makes playtime fun!
[Funzo starts choking Bart's Krusty doll]
Bart Simpson: Hey, why is it destroying other toys?
Lisa Simpson: They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition.
Bart Simpson: You mean like Microsoft?
Lisa Simpson: Exactly! Come on Bart, we've gotta warn everyone.

Lisa Simpson: The madness ends here!
Homer Simpson: [laughing at Lisa] Oh man! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that...

[Fanzo threw a Barbie in the fire and strangled a Krusty toy]
Bart: Why is it destroying other toys?
Lisa: It must be programmed to do so to eliminate competition.
Bart: You mean like Microsoft?
Lisa: Yeah.

Homer Simpson: So, who am I beating up?
Lisa Simpson: Nobody. You're just gonna break into everyone's house and steal their favorite toy.
Bart Simpson: Thus saving Christmas.
Homer Simpson: Now, let's see... this'll make three Christmases I saved versus eight I ruined... two were kind of a draw...


"The Simpsons: Trilogy of Error (#12.18)" (2001)
Homer: Here, little fella.
[Homer pours beer into Linguo's mouth]
Lisa: Dad, no!
Linguo: Error!
Homer: I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot.
Lisa: Oh. This is why I can't have nice things! Grrr... every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and breaks it.

Lisa: Almost done. Just lay still.
Linguo: Lie still.
Lisa: I knew that. Just testing.
Linguo: Sentence fragment.
Lisa: Sentence fragment is also a sentence fragment.
[Linguo's eyes move back and forth as it thinks]
Linguo: Must conserve battery power.
[Linguo shuts itself down]

Lisa: [after seeing the breakfast Marge has prepared, whispering] Don't worry dad, I'll get us out of this!
[Louder]
Lisa: Hey dad!
[winks]
Lisa: Do you want to see my science project?
[winks]
Homer: No Lisa,
[winks]
Homer: but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast!

[Marge made a disgusting breakfast]
Lisa: [whispers] Dad, I know a way to get out of this.
[out loud]
Lisa: Say, Dad,
[winks]
Lisa: would you like to see my project for the school science fair?
[winks]
Homer: No, Lisa,
[winks]
Homer: but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast.
[winks]

Lisa: [running past Moe's] It's noon. That's usually when dad gets the brew shakes.


"The Simpsons: The Food Wife (#23.5)" (2011)
[first lines]
Marge Simpson: And here's a marble for Lisa for cleaning her room. And a marble for Bart for not trashing Lisa's room. The jars are full! So, you've earned your Saturday Surprise Dad Day!
Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Yay!
Homer Simpson: This Saturday, from the dad who brought you cemetery paintball, and go-karts on real roads, comes the greatest activity yet...
Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Video game convention!

Homer Simpson: And check these out.
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: VIP passes!
Homer Simpson: Is there any better feeling than cutting in line because a plastic badge says you're special?

Foodie: We discovered Korean food in this town.
Lisa Simpson: You mean before the Koreans?
Foodie: Sure, they cook it, but they don't get it.

Lisa Simpson: They're using pancakes as spoons.
Bart Simpson: Let's see what else they do wrong.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IX (#10.4)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: Hey Lis, we're characters in a cartoon!
Lisa Simpson: How humiliating.

Lisa Simpson: [pushes his food away] I just lost my appetite.
Lisa Simpson: [pushes her food away] Me, too.
Homer Simpson: [grabs Lisa's food] Wait, mine came back!

Marge Simpson: I can't believe it. Jerry Springer couldn't solve our problem.
Lisa Simpson: And now he's dead.

[after being transported into the "Itchy & Scratchy Show"]
Bart: Lise, look. We're characters in a cartoon show.
Lisa: How humiliating.


"The Simpsons: Bart of Darkness (#6.1)" (1994)
Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...
Lisa, Bart: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Lisa's Brain: They're only using you for your pool, you know.
Lisa: Shut up, brain! I got friends now, I don't need you any more.

Lisa's Brain: They're only using you for your pool, you know.
Lisa: Shut up, brain! I got friends now, I don't need you anymore.

Jimbo: Dude, buzz has it an even wussier kid has an even better pool than this!
[all the kids jump out, leaving Lisa stood at the bottom of an empty pool]
Lisa: Hello? Hey, I'm stuck in here! I gotta think of a way to get out!
Lisa's Brain: Well, well, well... look who's come crawling back.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
Homer Simpson: [chops down a door a la The Shining] Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
[there's no one in the room]
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[chops down another door]
Homer Simpson: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavid Letterman!
Grandpa Simpson: Hi, David, I'm Grampa.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[chops down another door and holds a stopwatch]
Homer Simpson: I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!
Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Marge: [Bart awakens from a nightmare] Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back home with your family now, where there's nothing to be afraid of... except that fog that turns people inside out.
Bart: Huh?
Homer: [the fog starts coming in] Uh-oh, it's seeping in. STUPID CHEAP WEATHER STRIPPING!
[everyone screams as the fog turns them inside out; then they stop screaming, looking at each other. Music plays, and they start dancing and singing]
Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa: One chorus line of people, dancing till they make us stop!
Groundskeeper Willie: [Willy, also turned inside out, jumps on stage] Too...!
Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa, Groundskeeper Willie: Many dancing people, covered in blood, gore, and glop!/Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out!/It's worse than that flesh-eating virus you've read about!/Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in, the family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine!/Happy Halloween!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, look!
[holds TV up]
Homer Simpson: Television! Teacher, mother...
Homer Simpson: [lustily] ... secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading - rising! Fading... fading... gone.
[family sighs]
Homer Simpson: Come, family. sit in the snow with daddy and let us all bask in TV's warm glowing warming glow.
[Hours later, everyone is frozen]
man introducing Tony Awards: [on TV] Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!
Bart Simpson: [with difficulty] Homer... change channel.
Homer Simpson: Can't! Frozen!
[music on TV: "One chorus line of people...?]
Homer Simpson: [family screams]
Homer Simpson: Urge to kill... rising...

Lisa: Bart, does it strike you as odd that Uter disappeared and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food called "Uterbraten"?
Principal Skinner: Oh relax kids, I've got a gut feeling Uter's around here somewhere hahahahaha, after all isn't there a little Uter in all of us? hahahaha... hahaha, in fact, you might even say we just ate Uter, and he's in our stomachs... right now! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!... Wait, scratch that one.


"The Simpsons: The PTA Disbands (#6.21)" (1995)
Bart: Uh, I think I got your lunch.
[He hands Lisa a note from his lunch bag: "I Am Very Proud Of You. Love, Mom."]
Lisa: Oh yeah, I didn't think this was for me.
[She hands Bart a note from her lunch bag: "Be Good. For The Love Of God, *Please* Be Good."]

Lisa: Relax? I can't relax. Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God! I'm losing my perspicacity. Aaaaah!
Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look.

Lisa: I'll never get into the ivy league now. At this rate, I probably won't even get into Vassar.
Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady!

Homer: How was everyone's day at school?
Bart: Horrible.
Lisa: Pointless.
Marge: Exhausting. It took the class 40 minutes to locate Canada on a map.
Homer: Oh, honey, anyone could miss Canada. All tucked way down there.


"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob Roberts (#6.5)" (1994)
Bart: Bart, your mortal enemy's on the radio!
[Bart turns on the radio]
Dr. Demento: It's time for more deeeeeeee-mentia, with Dr. Demento! And now, the funny five!
[Bart yells and throws the radio out the window]
Lisa: I meant your other mortal enemy, Sideshow Bob.
Bart: Sideshow Bob? Oh, I'm only ten and I already got two mortal enemies!

[walking around the cemetary, Lisa and Bart realize that Sideshoe Bob has falsified voting returns with the names of deceased persons]
Lisa: [sees Snowball I's gravestone] Oh, my poor dead kitty, not you too!
[she looks at the voting list: "SNOWBALL I."]
Lisa: All right, Bob! NOW it's personal!
Bart: Hey! Uh, he did try to kill me.

Lisa: Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight like this. We're gonna have to stoop to the lowest common denominator.
Bart: I can do that.

[after Bob is arrested]
Lisa: Congratulations, Bart! You get to go back to the fourth grade!
Bart: [disappointed] Oh... tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with.
Lisa: The spoon, Bart.
Bart: [gasps] Of course!


"The Simpsons: Blame It on Lisa (#13.15)" (2002)
Lisa Simpson: Why must you fight with every utility?
Homer Simpson: I told you. I have too much time on my hands.

Marge Simpson: It's awfully expensive to fly to Brazil.
Lisa Simpson: Not if we buy our tickets on the internet. It's really cheap if we change planes in Phoenix, Honolulu, Sun City, and East St. Louis, spend the night in a haunted house, and leave right now.
Homer Simpson: Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Brazil.
Bart Simpson: And I'll have been on every continent.
Lisa Simpson: Except Antarctica.
Homer Simpson: Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Antarctica.
[brief pause]
Homer Simpson: Next year. This year, Brazil.

Ronaldo: I tried to write, but I didn't know what state you lived in.
Lisa Simpson: It's a bit of a mystery, yes, but if you look at the clues, you can figure it out.

Lisa: I'm trying to call Janey, but I can't get a dial tone.
Marge: Your father refuses to pay the bill, so the company cut our phone lines.
Lisa: [sighs] Why must you fight every utility?
Homer: [annoyed] I told you, I have too much free time.


"The Simpsons: Brother from Another Series (#8.16)" (1997)
Lisa: Face it, Bart, Sideshow Bob has changed.
Bart: No he hasn't. He's more the same than ever.

Lisa: Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless.
Sideshow Bob: Oh, I see. When it's one of *my* schemes you can't foil it fast enough, but when *Cecil* tries to kill you, "it's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless."

[Bart and Lisa are watching Krusty's Prison Special]
Bart: Man, those cons *love* Krusty. Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
Lisa: And vice-versa.

Lisa: Um, do you know what you're doing?
Sideshow Bob: Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without learning a *few* things about dynamite.


"The Simpsons: Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-Annoyed-Grunt-cious (#8.13)" (1997)
Shary Bobbins: It's 8:00, children. Time for bed.
Lisa Simpson: But we're not sleepy.
Bart Simpson: Sing us a song, Shary Bobbins.
Lisa Simpson: Yes, sing us a song.
Shary Bobbins: I've been singing you songs all day. I'm not a bloody jukebox!

Lisa Simpson: [as Shary flies away] Will we see her again, dad?
Homer Simpson: I'm sure we will, honey...
[Shary gets sucked into a jet plane's engine]
Homer Simpson: ...I'm sure we will.

Barney: [as Sherry Bobbins is leaving] Bye Superman.
Lisa: Dad, do you think we'll ever see Sherry Bobbins again?
Homer: I'm sure we will, honey.
[She is sucked into a jet engine in the background]
Homer: I'm sure we will.

Lisa Simpson: [as Shary flies away] Will we see her again, dad?
Homer Simpson: I'm sure we will, honey.
[Shary gets sucked into a jet plane's engine]
Homer Simpson: I'm sure we will.


"The Simpsons: To Surveil, with Love (#21.20)" (2010)
Nelson Muntz: Haw-haw! You're a spaz!
Lisa Simpson: That's not true. First of all, Milhouse only fell because you tripped him. Secondly, spaz is short for spastic diplegia, someone who suffers from a serious medical condition. And thirdly, your Haw-haw, by overuse, has lost its power.
Nelson Muntz: Wow. I bow before your logic.

Ms. Dubinsky: We'd like you to join our debate team.
Lisa Simpson: We have a debate team?
Ms. Dubinsky: It's the only extracurricular activity that doesn't require any equipment.
Principal Skinner: Because of budget cuts, we had to improvise. Ralph Wiggum will be your lectern.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a furniture.

Mayor Quimby: All of those in favor of the cameras say "cheese".
All: Cheese!
Mayor Quimby: All opposed, say "I hate America".
Lisa Simpson: I... wait... Oh, what's the use?

Krusty: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to make ice? She forgot the recipe! How come you don't see many blonde snowwomen? It takes too much time to hollow out the head!
Bart Simpson: [laughing] He sure got you pegged, blondie.
Lisa Simpson: You're blond too, you know.
Bart Simpson: Blond boys aren't dumb, they're evil, like in Karate Kid or World War II.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Rival (#6.2)" (1994)
[Lisa fears a new girl in school is more talented than she]
Marge: Believe me, honey. She's more scared of you than you are of her.
Lisa: You're thinking of bears, mom.

Professor Taylor: Hi Lisa. I'm Alison's father, Professor Taylor. I've heard great things about you.
Lisa: Oh really? I...
Professor Taylor: Oh, don't be modest. I'm glad we have someone who can join us in our anagram game.
Alison Taylor: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
Professor Taylor: Like, er... oh, I don't know, uh... Alec Guinness.
Alison Taylor: [thinking] Genuine class.
Professor Taylor: Ho ho, very good. Alright Lisa, um... Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [looks worried] Jeremy's... iron.
Professor Taylor: Mm hmm, well, that's... very good... for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?

Bart: [after her diorama blows out the window, Lisa is sure she will lose to Alison unless she does something. Consoling her, Bart draws up a plan] Tomorrow morning when Alison steps out of her house, we spray her with the hose, soaking her head to foot, well leaving us relatively dry.
Lisa: Relatively?
Bart: Well, there's bound to be some splash back.
Lisa: Bart, her being wet isn't going to help me win the contest!
Bart: [slyly] Well, we could sabotage her diorama, making her look bad in front of the entire school.
Lisa: [positively gleeful] Perfect!
Bart: And leaving her with the most dramatic soaking of her life!
Lisa: Enough with the hose!

Lisa: [Lisa turns a fan on to demonstrate a snow storm over her complete diarama. It promptly tilts, then blows out the window] Is it okay?
Bart Simpson: [looks out the window, then turns back to Lisa] The important thing is that we survived.


"The Simpsons: The Regina Monologues (#15.4)" (2003)
Lisa Simpson: Ms. Rowling, I love your books. You've turned an entire generation on to reading.
J.K. Rowling: Thank you, young Muggle.
Lisa Simpson: Could you tell me what happens at the end of the series?
J.K. Rowling: [exasperated] He grows up and he marries you! Is that what you want to hear?
Lisa Simpson: [dreamily] Yes.

Ian McKellen: Please, take these free tickets to my play!
Homer: What? What play?
Ian McKellen: We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
Homer: You mean 'MacBeth'?
[a car splashes Ian McKellen]
Ian McKellen: Quiet, you plundering fool! You'll curse us all!
Homer: What, by saying 'MacBeth'?
[an anvil falls on Ian McKellen's foot]
Ian McKellen: OW! Stop saying it!
Homer: Saying what?
Ian McKellen: 'MACBETH'! Oh, now I've said it.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Bart Simpson: This is cool! 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning each time Bart says 'MacBeth']
Marge Simpson: Bart, stop saying 'MacBeth'!
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, you said 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Homer: Mr. 'MacBeth', I'm really sorry.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Ian McKellen: That's quite alright. You didn't know.

Lisa: Why did you let him be his own Barrister?
Marge: He rear-ended the frigging Queen! What difference would it make?

Edwina: Please, take these free tickets to my play!
Homer: What? What play?
Edwina: We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
Homer: You mean 'MacBeth'?
[a car splashes Ian McKellen]
Edwina: Quiet, you plundering fool! You'll curse us all!
Homer: What, by saying 'MacBeth'?
[an anvil falls on Ian McKellen's foot]
Edwina: OW! Stop saying it!
Homer: Saying what?
Edwina: 'MACBETH'! Oh, now I've said it.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Bart Simpson: This is cool! 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning each time Bart says 'MacBeth']
Ian McKellen: Bart, stop saying 'MacBeth'!
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, you said 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Homer: Mr. 'MacBeth', I'm really sorry.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Edwina: That's quite alright. You didn't know.


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Drama Queen (#20.9)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: Why do we have to go to the rec center? I wanna play with my friends.
Homer Simpson: When you're older, you'll miss going to these little activities.
Lisa Simpson: Why aren't you going to these little activities?
Homer Simpson: Uh, because no one can make me.

Lisa Simpson: Excuse me, do you have any more paints? This orange doesn't quite match that orange.

Lisa Simpson: Juliet's father is the utmost John Grisham scholar.
Juliet Hobbes: He found several hidden plot lines in The Firm, and proved that the real villain in A Time To Kill is the justice system itself.
Homer Simpson: Told ya, Marge. Told... Ya!

Lisa Simpson: You can't keep us apart. I'll disobey!
Marge Simpson: I'm Bart Simpson's mother. You think you know any tricks I haven't seen?
[after Marge leaves, Lisa sneaks out the window and climbs down the tree, but Marge is waiting beneath with a laundry basket]
Marge Simpson: Bart Simpson, age 3.
[after they leave, Bart comes out of a hidden door in the tree, wearing ninja clothes and holding a skateboard]
Bart Simpson: Bart Simpson, age 10.


"The Simpsons: Homer Scissorhands (#22.20)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: I don't get it. Why would a popular fifth grader like Taffy be into a Milhouse like Milhouse?
Bart Simpson: I dunno. It's just one of those mysteries, I guess. Like how do my clothes pick themselves up from the floor and fold themselves into my drawers.

Lisa Simpson: Why would a popular fifth grader like Taffy be interested in a Milhouse like Milhouse?
Bart Simpson: I dunno. It's one of those mysteries like: How do my clothes get clean and put back in my drawers?

Bart Simpson: [Jumps in front of Lisa as she paints] Ha-ha! I ruined your painting!
Lisa Simpson: Bart, this isn't a photograph. I'm not going to paint you just because...
[Sees that she has painted in Bart]
Lisa Simpson: Augh! You just ruined six months work!
Bart Simpson: Gee, I'm really sorry... it wasn't a year!
Lisa Simpson: You're going to regret the day you were born!
Bart Simpson: I already do. It's too close to Christmas.

Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, I love you. Is that love requited or un?
Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry, Milhouse, but I don't love you and I never will.


"The Simpsons: Make Room for Lisa (#10.16)" (1999)
Lisa Simpson: I can't believe you did this dad. Why didn't you put that thing in your room?
Homer Simpson: Hmm, that thought never occurred to me. Funny how your mind works in a crisis.

Homer Simpson: Ah no. No freezing.
Owner: No Mr. Simpson. This is a sensory deprivation tank. It blocks out all the external distractions that bombard our souls.
Homer Simpson: Can you pee in it?
Lisa Simpson: I'll take two hours!
Homer Simpson: Me too.

Lisa: Dad, I still don't understand how you could just give my room away?
Homer: Honey, what's your favorite movie?
Lisa: Well, until you taped over it, "The Little Mermaid".
Homer: That's right. "The Odd Couple". Meet your new, comically mismatched roommate- Bart.
Bart: I'm going to make your life a living hell.
Lisa: Ohh...
[Homer hums "Odd Couple" theme, shoves Lisa into the room and runs away]

Lisa: Mom, what's happening?
Marge: I'm sorry, honey, but we're renting your room to a satellite network until your father can pay for the destruction of a priceless artifact. Boy, I never thought I'd have to say that again.


"The Simpsons: The Color Yellow (#21.13)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: [Researching her family tree] No, this can't be right! They're all horrible!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, the Simpson family is a long line of horse thieves, deadbeats, horse beats, dead thieves, and even a few alcoholics.
Lisa Simpson: There must have been a few good ancestors. Grandpa, don't you know any?
Abraham Simpson: Not a one! Maybe the nicest was Abigail Simpson, who you know as the Pittsburgh Poisoner.
Homer Simpson: If I were you, I wouldn't dig into the past. I lived in some of that past, and I got out for a reason.
Lisa Simpson: I won't give up! I have to know that somewhere in the muck and the mire and the Pittsburgh Poisoners, this family had a noble spark, and I will find it! Even if I have to go back to Adam and Eve.
Abraham Simpson: Oh, you mean Adam and Eve Simpson, or as you may know them, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

Lisa Simpson: I can't believe the Simpsons were descended from slave owners.
Homer Simpson: Me neither. For once, a Simpson in management.
Marge Simpson: Homer!

Lisa Simpson: But why would you keep it a secret from us all these years?
Abraham Simpson: Well, how can I explain this to a young person? People of my generation were, you know...
Lisa Simpson: Racist?
Abraham Simpson: That's it!

Lisa Simpson: Not only did we restore our familiy honor, it turns out we're one-fourth black.
Bart Simpson: So that's why I'm so cool.
Lisa Simpson: So that's why my jazz is so smooth.
Homer Simpson: So that's why I earn less than my white co-workers.


The Simpsons: Tapped Out (2012) (VG)
Homer Simpson: Lisa! Thank God you're here to guide me through this tutorial.
Lisa Simpson: What happened?
Homer Simpson: Difficult to say, sweetie. The town blew up, I built our house and you showed up.
Homer Simpson: All we know for sure is, I'm completely blameless.
Lisa Simpson: Hmmm. Maybe if we keep building things, Mom and Bart will show up too.
Homer Simpson: I'm sure they will. This thing would be way too sad if they didn't.
Lisa Simpson: Then let's do it. But first, we should clean this place up a bit.
Homer Simpson: You're joking right?

Homer Simpson: Cleaning, really? I can't believe that's what passes for fun in games these days.
Lisa Simpson: It's tedious, I know. That's why I want to do some too!

Lisa Simpson: Wow, the ornate interior and new age looking exterior of Swanky Fish is impressive!
Homer Simpson: But I thought this was a seafood place. What's with all this rice, avocado, and... yuck! Is this seaweed?
Lisa Simpson: It's called Nori wrap. Sushi really is an art form.
Homer Simpson: But I don't want my food to be an art form. I want it to be food.

Lisa Simpson: Evergreen Terrace is starting to take shape. Now we need to build the Flanders house.
Homer Simpson: Okay.
Homer Simpson: Let's start by looking for the spot on the map furthest from any place I'd ever want to go...
Lisa Simpson: But Dad, Mr. Flanders is our neighbor, so we'll have to move the Kwik-E-Mart somewhere first.
Homer Simpson: grumbles. Okay, but I better get an achievement for this.


"The Simpsons: The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson (#9.1)" (1997)
Bart Simpson: When I grow up, I wanna be in the Betty Ford Center.
Marge Simpson: You'd better start saving now, it's very expensive.
Lisa Simpson: Shh! They're strapping down Liza Minelli.

Homer: All right, New York. I'm coming back. But you're not gonna get this!
[Homer throws his wallet into the lit fireplace]
Lisa: Dad, our baby pictures are in there.
Homer: Don't you start!

Lisa Simpson: [Upon seeing dead rabbits hanging in a store window] Mom, are those rabbits dead?
Marge: No, they're just, uh, sleeping. Upside down. And... inside out.

Lisa: [During the musical] Ssshh! They're strapping down Liza Minnelli!


"The Simpsons: Father Knows Worst (#20.18)" (2009)
Homer Simpson: Ooh, lamb kebab!
[he eats the kebab]
Homer Simpson: Ooh, chicken kebab!
[he eats it, as well]
Homer Simpson: [grabbing a lit fire juggling stick] Ooh, fire kebab!
Lisa Simpson: Dad, no!
Bart Simpson: [cutting in front of Lisa] Dad, yes!

Marge Simpson: Here, Homer. Have some beets. I boiled all the red out of them.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I can still taste undercurrents of pink.
Lisa Simpson: Here, dad. Maybe this will help.
Homer Simpson: It feels like food, but it has no flavor whatsoever! What is it?
Lisa Simpson: Mac and cheese from the school cafeteria. The blandest food known to man.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, if I join a clique, I'd become someone I hate.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, our country was founded by a clique, the Continental Congress. Dolphins live in cliques. Those are my two examples.
Lisa Simpson: Those are good examples.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, I don't want to hurt people.
Homer Simpson: Very well. I guess you don't need this big girl book.
Lisa Simpson: I'm a big girl!


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Wedding (#6.19)" (1995)
[Flash-forward to Lisa's wedding]
Homer: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Ever since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me.
Lisa: Oh, Dad...
Homer: No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment, and you did it all yourself. You taught me to understand my own life better, and made me a better person, but you're still my daughter, and I don't think anyone has ever had a better daughter than...
Lisa: Dad, you're babbling.
Homer: See? You're still helping me.

Lisa: Love the painting, Mrs. Parkfield. Judging by the clothes, I'd say... seventeenth century?
Mrs. Parkfield: Actually, Lisa, it's just Uncle Eldred.
Uncle Eldred: [obviously insane, due to the fact that he's fishing in an empty fishbowl] I get me brain medicine from the National Health!

Homer: Oh, I've eaten eight different meats. I am a true renaissance man.
[takes a huge bite of pork]
Lisa: I'll go to the first aid tent and tell them to plug in ye olde stomach pump.

Lisa: Mom, remember when I was little, we'd always planned my dream wedding and you always promised to... you know, well, keep Dad from ruining it?
Marge: [crossing her fingers] Oh, don't worry, honey, I guarantee your father will behave.
Lisa: [nonplussed] Mom, it's a picture phone.
Marge: [looking at her fingers] This? This? Oh, no, I've just got a touch of the rheumatiz.
Lisa: Oh.
Marge: [wipes her brow] Phew!
Lisa: Mom, picture phone.


"The Simpsons: Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life (#22.5)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: [Walking down the hall at school] Ugh. What's the point of getting rid of all the distractions at home if I have to do my learning here?
[Walks into the library and opens a book, smiling because it's quiet]
Groundskeeper Willie: [Walks into the library, running a loudly whirring floor waxer. Sings] Oh, I'll wax the upstairs and I'll wax the downstairs, and I'll get drunk in the library!
Lisa Simpson: [Annoyed] Willie! Do you have to wax this floor now?
Groundskeeper Willie: [Turns off waxer. Apologetically] No, no. I can come back later.
[Turns around to leave and slips on the waxed floor, landing with a loud crunch. He screams in pain]
Groundskeeper Willie: Aaah!
Lisa Simpson: [Concerned] Oh! Should I get the nurse?
Groundskeeper Willie: Nay, just keep studyin'. I'll scream this out.
[Writhing on the floor]
Groundskeeper Willie: Aaah! Oy! Aaaahh!
Lisa Simpson: [Frustrated] Ugh!
[Lisa covers her ears]

Lisa Simpson: Mom, I didn't know you won the science fair.
Marge Simpson: Oh, that's ancient history. Ooh, my paper on ancient history!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, can I ask you something?
Homer Simpson: Sure. What's troubling you, my son... I mean, my girl son?

Lisa Simpson: O Lord Buddha, I know I shouldn't ask for anything, but come on!


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Skeptic (#9.8)" (1997)
Lisa: If you believe in angels then why not unicorns or leprechauns?
Kent Brockman: Oh Lisa everyone knows leprechauns are extinct.

[Speaking about the skeleton she found]
Lisa: It could be a mutant from the power plant.
Mr. Burns: That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers - oops, I've said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr. Burns: Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you're done as well.

Moe: Go home, science girl.
Lisa: I am home.
Moe: Good, then stay there.

Lisa: I don't understand, Professor, why didn't your test show that the skeleton was a fake?
Stephen Jay Gould: I'm going to be honest with you, Lisa, I never did the test.


"The Simpsons: Two Dozen and One Greyhounds (#6.20)" (1995)
Smithers: Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but not completely full, for you see... /
[singing]
Mr. Burns: Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for, is an outfit that looks good... / See... my... Vest. See my vest. / Made from real gorilla chest. / See this sweater, there's no better, than authentic Irish Setter. / See this hat? 'Twas my cat, / My evening wear vampire bat. / These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino. / Grizzly bear underwear, / Turtle's necks I've got my share. / Beret of Poodle on my noodle I shall rest. / Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two. / See my vest. See my vest. See my vest. / Like my loafers? Former gophers, / It was that or skin my chauffeurs / but a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best. / So let's prepare these dogs...
Mrs. Potts: Kill two for matching clogs.
Mr. Burns: See my vest, see my vest, oh please won't you see... my... Vest! I really like the vest.
Smithers: I gathered, yeah...
Lisa: He's gonna make a tuxedo out of our puppies!
Bart: [still humming the tune] Na na na na na na naa naaaa...
Lisa: Bart!
Bart: Sorry... You gotta admit it's catchy.

Lisa: What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog?
Bart: It looks like he's trying to jump over her but can't quite make it. Come on, boy! You can do it!

Mr. Burns: Right now I'll be taking my puppies back.
Lisa: But they're ours, you stole them from us!
[Burns gives her a cell phone]
Mr. Burns: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
[Lisa dials 9-1... ]
Mr. Burns: [snatches it back] Give me that!

[a wild Santa's Little Helper digs up a dozen holes in the backyard]
Lisa: [gasp] My bongo drums!
Bart: My strobe light!
Homer Simpson: My "Best of Ray Stevens - featuring the 'Streak' - Album"! So it was the dog who buried all our stuff!
Marge Simpson: Yes... the dog.


"The Simpsons: Mona Leaves-a (#19.19)" (2008)
Lisa Simpson: I want a poodle!
Marge Simpson: I'd stay away from poodles. They give the dog... ideas.

Lisa Simpson: I hear something in the kitchen.
Homer Simpson: That's where the food sleeps!

Mona Simpson: To Lisa, I give something not even the government can take from you: my rebellious spirit.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, grandma. I accept your gift.
Bart Simpson: Lisa got nothing! Lisa got nothing!


"The Simpsons: Exit Through the Kwik-E-Mart (#23.15)" (2012)
Lisa Simpson: Hey, merry pranksters. Dinner's ready.
Bart Simpson: Dammit, she knows! All right, what will it take to buy your silence?
Lisa Simpson: Just throw in a couple of "Fur is murder"s.
Bart Simpson: How is fur murder? They're just animals.
Lisa Simpson: Dad!
Bart Simpson: Okay, okay, fur is murder! Everything's murder.

Lisa Simpson: I don't think dad is coming.
Marge Simpson: [Looking at a painting of Homer as a horse's ass] I can see how this show isn't to his liking.

Lisa Simpson: I don't get it. How can you be an undercover cop?
Shepard Fairey: Don't look so surprised. For thirty years I've been telling people to obey.
Abraham Simpson: What happened to you? You used to be the dean of the underground scene.
Shepard Fairey: I'm not about sucking up to posers anymore. I just sell them stuff now.


"The Simpsons: Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo (#10.23)" (1999)
Lisa Simpson: Hey look. There's a cybor cafe opening right here in Springfield. Will you take me dad? Please! I'll show you how to order pizza over the internet.
Homer Simpson: The internet? Is that thing still around?
Bart Simpson: I know a website that shows monkeys doing it.
Lisa Simpson: Bart, the internet is more than a global pornography network, it's a...
[Homer honks his car horn]
Homer Simpson: Come on Lisa, monkeys!
[Lisa groans]

Lisa Simpson: Wow dad, you're surfing like a pro.
Homer Simpson: Oh yeah. I'm betting on Jai Alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called News Corp...
Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's Fox!
Homer Simpson: Augh! Undo! Undo!

Lisa Simpson: Now, can we do something that is Japanese?
Marge Simpson: Oh, I know that you wanna visit Japan, honey but we're down to our million yen
[pulls a yen bill out of her hair]
Homer Simpson: Here
[Takes the yen bill and makes an origami craine]
Homer Simpson: It's a craine they say it brings luck.
Marge Simpson: Careful Homer, we need that money to get home.
[Then the wind picks up and blows the bill away]
Homer Simpson: [In Japanese] D'oh!


"The Simpsons: Smoke on the Daughter (#19.15)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: Lisa, have I ever shown you my shattered-dreams box?
Lisa Simpson: No.
Marge Simpson: It's upstairs, in my disappointments closet.
Lisa Simpson: Oh! Oh.

Lisa Simpson: So what happened?
Marge Simpson: My bosoms grew in and ruined my balance.
Lisa Simpson: Really? How?
Marge Simpson: They came in one at a time.
Lisa Simpson: Mom, do you think mine...
Marge Simpson: No, I'm pretty sure you'll have your father's boobs.

Homer Simpson: I can't believe you were smoking. Don't you know the Sturgeon General says you're not supposed to?
Lisa Simpson: A sturgeon is a fish.
Homer Simpson: And a very wise fish he is.


"The Simpsons: My Sister, My Sitter (#8.17)" (1997)
Lisa: Hello, hospital? This is Lisa Simpson...
Nurse: Simpson? Look, we've already been down there tonight for a sisterectomy, a case of severe butt rot, and a Leprechaun fight. How dumb do you think we are?

Lisa: Enjoy Bob Saget.
Chief Wiggum: That's Bob Seger.
[looks at his tickets]
Chief Wiggum: Dang it!

[playing a religious board game]
Lisa: Where are the dice?
Todd Flanders: Daddy says dice are wicked.
Rod Flanders: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way.


"The Simpsons: A Test Before Trying (#24.10)" (2013)
Lisa Simpson: So, how's the studying going?
Bart Simpson: When I start I'll tell you.
Lisa Simpson: This is the most selfish thing you've ever done.
[From Bart's perspective]
Lisa Simpson: You're letting your friends go hang because you are lazy and selfish and,
[Bart began to close his eyes]
Lisa Simpson: hey, are you falling asleep just to spite me?

Lisa Simpson: [Bart opens his eyes] Spinach farm, huh? That's right, you talk in your sleep.
Bart Simpson: Lisa, I want to pass that test. But I need your help.
[From Lisa's perspective]
Bart Simpson: I have all sorts of problems: Lack of attention, I'm afraid of ovals, I only
[Lisa starts closing her eyes at Bart like he did before ignoring her, doing it back at him]
Bart Simpson: know 24 letters. Don't you fall asleep on me.
[Lisa's eyes are finally closed]

Bart Simpson: It's hopeless! I can't make up for years of goofing up in one day. I need two days!
Lisa Simpson: Look, Bart. It's not important to know what's on the test so much as how to take the test. If you don't know the answer to one question, leave it for later. And if you still don't know the answer, just guess B and move on. Now, what's the capital of Massachussets?
Bart Simpson: Uh, B?
Lisa Simpson: Very good.


"The Simpsons: A Star Is Burns (#6.18)" (1995)
Lisa: I like him. He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance...
Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning.
Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.
Marge: Mmm...

Barney: I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.
Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem?

Marge: Did you know that there are over 600 film critics on TV, and Leonard Maltin is the best looking of them all?
Lisa: Ew!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIX (#20.4)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: Hey, Lis. I think I see one with your name on it.
Lisa Simpson: Well, it can't possibly top your present last year: a box full of your burps.
Bart Simpson: Oh, that reminds me. Here's your stocking stuffer.
[Burps into Lisa's stocking]

Homer Simpson: Lisa, what's happening?
Lisa Simpson: If I were to guess, I'd say two alien races who have been fighting for centuries have chosen our planet to fight their final battle.
Homer Simpson: It is a good planet to settle things.

Milhouse: I like your witch costume, Lisa.
Lisa Simpson: I'm not a witch, I'm a Wiccan. Why is it that whenever a woman is strong and powerful, they call her a witch?
[Muted trombone vocalizes]
Lisa Simpson: You said something, mom?
Marge Simpson: No, I was just practicing my trombone.


"The Simpsons: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star (#16.21)" (2005)
Lisa: That's Latin, Dad; the language of Plutarch.
Homer: Mickey Mouse's dog?

Homer Simpson: Shouldn't a person have the right to choose his own religion?
Lisa: As strange as it seems, Dad, I agree.
Homer Simpson: What?
Lisa: Well, as you well know, I'm a fully pledged Buddhist.
Father Sean: [laughs] Buddhist? Well, I suppose some children have imaginary friends...
Lisa: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Marge: Bart, would you like to say grace?
Bart: Yesum!
[Bart says grace in Latin]
Homer: What the hell was that?
Lisa: Bart's speaking Latin, the language of Plutarc.
Homer: [Homer looks blankly] Micky Mouse's dog?


"The Simpsons: Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily (#7.3)" (1995)
Ned Flanders: Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents, but now I know you kids need a less hellbound family!
Maude Flanders: Just sit back, and before you know it, you'll be part of the Flanders flock.
Bart: Ha ha! You're going to be Lisa Flanders!
Lisa Simpson: You're going to be "Bart" Flanders.
[Bart screams]
Maude Flanders: Oh, relax, Bart. Your sister Maggie isn't scared.
Bart: That's because she can't talk.
Maggie Simpson: [as she pulls her pacifier out] Daddily doodily!
[Maggie then turns her head around and looks at Bart and Lisa]

[as the Simpson family, who are finally together again, are about to leave the Springfield river]
Marge Simpson: So what was it like at the Flanders' house?
Homer: Yeah, gimme all the dirt.
Lisa Simpson: Let's see. Dirt... dirt... well, there wasn't really much dirt.
Bart: There was a bunch of old paint cans in the garage, though.
Homer: [laughs scoffingly] Old painty-can Ned.
[the family also laugh]
Homer: I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint!
Marge Simpson: How do you like that!

Child Welfare Agent: Children, where are your parents?
Lisa Simpson: I don't know, but they should be here.
Goodman: Yes, they should be here. Tsk, tsk. Those parents better have a good excuse.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror II (#3.7)" (1991)
[Bart and Lisa come back from trick-or-treating; Bart is dressed as an executioner, Lisa as a large totem pole]
Bart Simpson: Would have gotten even more if Lisa could walk faster!
Lisa Simpson: I didn't select this costume for mobility. I wore it to salute the noble Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest...
[Barts pokes her. She tips over with a yell]
Bart Simpson: Ha-ha-ha!

Lisa: [takes the monkey's paw] I wish for world peace.
[a finger on the paw closes]
Homer: Lisa, that was very selfish of you.

[last lines]
[Screen fades to black as creepy music plays, then the scene resumes with the normal Simpsons' music; looking like a canonical episode]
Narrator: Next week, on "The Simpsons".
Lisa Simpson: Don't forget Dad, tonight my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
Homer: Mmm... spaghetti.
Mr. Burns: But Homer, tonight's our meeting for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.
Homer: DOH! I hate having two heads!


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Date with Density (#8.7)" (1996)
Mr. Dewey Largo: Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"?
Lisa Simpson: No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.
Sherri: She was looking at Nelson!
Class: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse: She does not!
Class: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey: He does not!
Class: Janey likes Milhouse!
Uter: She does not!
Class: Uter likes Milhouse.
Mr. Dewey Largo: *Nobody* likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention!

Lisa Simpson: I like you, Milhouse, but not in that way. You're more like a little sister.
Milhouse: No, I'm not! Why does everyone keep saying that?

Lisa Simpson: Nelson, Milhouse didn't send you that note. I did.
Nelson Muntz: You? Since when do you like me? No girls like me.
[pause]
Nelson Muntz: Are you wearing a wire?


"The Simpsons: The D'oh-cial Network (#23.11)" (2012)
Lisa Simpson: Making friends with lots of people on line is easier than meeting one person in person. What if I made a gathering site where everyone is equal and I'm the undisputed center?

Lisa Simpson: I have a thousand friends, and only eight of them are Milhouse.

Lisa Simpson: I created something popular!
Homer Simpson: And I created something that created something popular.
Abraham Simpson: And I created an alcoholic hippo.
Homer Simpson: Well, you never showed it to me.
Abraham Simpson: A stupid alcoholic hippo.
Homer Simpson: Are you just saying that because you don't want to show me the hippo?
Abraham Simpson: You're the hippo!
Homer Simpson: All right, don't show me the hippo!
Abraham Simpson: There is no hippo!


"The Simpsons: Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words (#20.6)" (2008)
Lisa Simpson: Guess what, mom? I'm a cruciverbalist!
Marge Simpson: Oh, Lisa, another religion? You know, you'll just drop the whole thing at college when you get a Jewish boyfriend.

Homer Simpson: Sweety, will you please look at daddy!
Lisa Simpson: You stopped being my daddy when you bet against me! All I have now is a mom. That's why I'm taking her maiden name. So from now on, my name is Lisa Bouvier!
[Homer gasps]
Nelson Muntz: Hey, Mr. S. Lisa B.
Homer Simpson: Nooo!
Girl: Would you like to buy some band candy?
Homer Simpson: Yeees!

Bart Simpson: Ice cold lemonade! Sweet sunshine in your mouth! Buy a glass or I'll punch my sister!
Lisa Simpson: It's true! He's not bluffing!


"The Simpsons: Moe'N'A Lisa (#18.6)" (2006)
Lisa Simpson: That's Tom Wolfe. He uses more exclamation points than any American author.
Tom Wolfe: It's true!

Lisa Simpson: Moe, you are a heartless jerk!
Moe Szyslak: Whoa, where did that come from? Oh, right. My actions.

Lenny Leonard: Maybe you can interview me. I collect Absolute ads.
Lisa Simpson: Do you have any others?
Lenny Leonard: [shocked] There are others?


"The Simpsons: D'oh-in' in the Wind (#10.6)" (1998)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you mind? Your feet are really close to my potato.
Homer Simpson: Your potato? You can't, like, own a potato, man. It's one of Mother Earth's creatures.
[he burps]
Marge Simpson: Homer! Excuse yourself!
Homer Simpson: No way, narc! Bodily functions are a natural thing.
Bart Simpson: Not to mention hilarious.
Marge Simpson: You know, I really don't appreciate being called a narc. And that poncho is filthy! Let me dry-clean it for you.
Homer Simpson: Why do you have to turn everything into one big plastic hassle? Marge, you've got too many hang-ups. Like the whole shaving trip. Come on, I want to see those legs all furry and gross!
Marge Simpson: That ain't gonna happen, bub.
Homer Simpson: Well, at least lose the bra. Free the Springfield Two, Marge! Free the Springfield Two!

Lisa Simpson: [the Family is at the hospital with Homer having a stem of a flower sticking out of his forehead] Are you gonna remove the flower?
Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.
Homer Simpson: Well, can you at least cut the leaves off so I can watch T.V.?
Dr. Hibbert: [Sternly] What did I just say?

[Homer has to write his full name on an application form but he doesn't know what his middle initial stands for]
Bart: Uh, so Dad, regarding that form, why not just make up a middle name?
Lisa: You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit.
Homer: No. Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name.


"The Simpsons: The War of the Simpsons (#2.20)" (1991)
[Marge and Homer have an argument in the car. Marge turns on the radio]
Marge: When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting!
[Bart, Lisa and Maggie watch from the house]
Bart: They're fighting in the car again.
Lisa Simpson: That music always sends a chill down my spine.

Lisa Simpson: Bart, Grampa is a kindly old man who trusts us. Are you sure its right to take advantage of him?
Bart: Lis, in these crazy, topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or wrong. Right now, my gut is telling me: "bleed Gramps dry."

Bart: Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I've never had before.
Lisa Simpson: It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepresible youth.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVII (#18.4)" (2006)
Lisa Simpson: [the town just recovered from a "War of the Worlds" radio scare and Homer is too smart to fall for anything ever again] Dad, a flying saucer just blew up that statue.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, it's just a radio show!

Golem: I feel so guilty! I've mangled and maimed 37 people and I told a telemarketer I was busy when I wasn't! I'm not a good man.
Lisa Simpson: He sure is neurotic for a monster.

Lisa Simpson: Bart did your mystical Jewish monster beat up those bullies?
Bart Simpson: Oh, it's always the Jew's fault!


"The Simpsons: Like Father, Like Clown (#3.6)" (1991)
Lisa: We've been going about this all wrong, Bart. What's the one thing Rabbis prize above everything else?
Bart: Those stupid hats?
Lisa: No, Bart, knowledge. We're gonna hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica.

[Bart and Lisa are trying to help Krusty get back with his father]
Lisa: This is it, Bart. It's a longshot, but it's the most I can do without learning ancient Hebrew.
[Bart looks at her expectantly]
Lisa: Bart, I am *not* learning ancient Hebrew!

Lisa: A man who envies our family is a man who needs help.


"The Simpsons: Duffless (#4.16)" (1993)
Lisa Simpson: I want the most intelligent hamster you've got.
Clerk: Okay.
[reaches into a box under the counter]
Clerk: Uh, this little guy writes mysteries under the name of J. D. McGregor.
Lisa Simpson: How can a hamster write mysteries?
Clerk: Well, he gets the ending first, then he writes backward.
Lisa Simpson: Aw, c'mon.
Clerk: Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him, all right?

Lisa Simpson: [writing] I propose to determine the answer to the question: Is My Brother Dumber Than A Hamster?
Bart Simpson: [passing by] Hey, Lis, look what I can do!
[sticks his entire fist in his mouth, then tries, unsuccessfully, to pull it out again]
Bart Simpson: Doggone it.

[Lisa comes back to her room to find her science project report stolen]
Bart Simpson: Looking for something?
[Bart is sitting in her chair, stroking Snowball II a la Ernst Stavro Blofeld]
Lisa Simpson: What have you done with my report?
Bart Simpson: I've hidden it.
[Lisa runs out]
Bart Simpson: To find it, you'll have to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish than...
Lisa Simpson: Got it!
Bart Simpson: D'oh!


"The Simpsons: Trash of the Titans (#9.22)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Good news, everyone! I got in a fight with the garbage men and they're cutting off our service!
Marge Simpson: Oh, lord, now what are we going to do? Just let the trash pile up?
Homer Simpson: Hey, I'd rather live in a dump than in a world run by snooty garbage men.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?
Homer Simpson: I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Marge Simpson: Homer, this has gone far enough. Will you please just apologize to the garbage men?
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, Dad. You're always telling me and Bart to apologize.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, but I'm always secretly disappointed when you do. Anyway, I think those garbage men are starting to crack.
Bart Simpson: I think you're starting to crack.
Homer Simpson: Apologize for that remark!
Bart Simpson: No way!
Homer Simpson: Atta-boy!

Costingtons Manager: Okay, people, we need to cook up a new holiday for the summer. Something with gifts, cards, assorted gougeables.
Costingtons Woman: How about something religious? We had great penetration last spring with Christmas Two.
Costingtons Man: Oh, I know. Spendover, like Passover, less talk, more presents.
[Everyone starts talking at once]
Costingtons Manager: No, no, no! No, it's gotta be warm and fuzzy. Some like, um, "Love Day", but not so lame.
[cut to the Simpsons home several days later]
Marge Simpson: Happy Love Day, everyone!
Lisa Simpson: Come on, Mom, The stores just invented this holiday to make money.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day.


"The Simpsons: Marge Gamer (#18.17)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: I'm so proud of you, Mom. You're like Christopher Columbus. You discovered something millions of people did before you.

Marge Simpson: Kids, what are you doing up so late?
Lisa Simpson: We just got up. It's 7:30 AM.
Marge Simpson: I played on the computer all night?
Bart Simpson: Actually, it's Saturday.
Marge Simpson: I played a day and an night?
Lisa Simpson: Bart, it's not Saturday.
Bart Simpson: Shh!

Homer Simpson: [refereeing Lisa's soccer game] Yellow card!
Lisa Simpson: You can't give me a yellow card. You're my dad!
Homer Simpson: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your dad. And judging by how tight they are, I'll never be anyone else's dad, either.


"The Simpsons: Jaws Wired Shut (#13.9)" (2002)
[the Simpsons are buying tickets to a PG-13 movie]
Lisa: Mom, why is this movie rated PG-13?
Marge: [reading pamphlet] It says it may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling.
[Bart and Lisa shudder]

[a gay pride parade is marching past the Simpson home]
Gay men: We're here. We're queer. Get used to it.
Lisa: You do this every year, we are used to it.
Marcher: Spoilsport!

Homer: Stop the madness! Start the movie!
Lisa: Maybe we should try to calm dad down.
Bart: I prefer to egg him on. Hey, dad, has the movie started yet?
Homer: [hysterical scream] ARRRRRGH!


"The Simpsons: 24 Minutes (#18.21)" (2007)
Bart Simpson: Lisa, are you on a secure line?
Lisa Simpson: I am. You're on a blue tooth cell wire, the most vulnerable device known to man.
Bart Simpson: But it looks so cool!

Bart Simpson: Jimbo has a stink bomb in his house, but I need to intercept it fast. Send me some schematics.
Lisa Simpson: Jimbo made a couble of drawings of his house in the second grade, but I can't vouch for their accuracy. The teacher gave them a frowny face.

Milhouse VanHouten: Lisa, if I don't make it, there's a letter in my locker I want you to read.
Lisa Simpson: I've read your letter.
Principal Skinner: We've all read it.


"The Simpsons: How the Test Was Won (#20.11)" (2009)
Lisa Simpson: 96%? What did I get wrong?
Superintendent Chalmers: Several questions.
Lisa Simpson: Several? That's more than a few, and almost a bunch.

Lisa Simpson: [Thinking] Let's move on to question two. "Question two: using what you've learned from question one..."
Lisa Simpson: [Out loud] Aaargh!

Lisa Simpson: Bart, what did you put on question 36?
Bart Simpson: Slurp my snot!
Lisa Simpson: Bart!
Bart Simpson: That was my answer. I wrote down "Slurp my snot" in the answer sheet.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, Bart's throwing away his future!
Homer Simpson: Oh, no! Now who will sell oranges on the offramp?
[laughs and high-fives Bart]


"The Simpsons: Lisa Goes Gaga (#23.22)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: Let's go see Lady Gaga. Maybe that will turn that frown upside-down.
Lisa Simpson: It's not a frown, it's a straight line of resignation. It's the same upside-down as right-side-up.

Lady Gaga: Listen up, Lisa. This pity party is being shut down by the smile police.
Lisa Simpson: This isn't about me, this is all about you! "Hello! Hello, Springfield! Look at me and my purple hair!" Well, I denounce thee!
Lady Gaga: Wha?
Lisa Simpson: I denounce thee for giving people false expectations they can never fulfill! I denounce thee for making people think social acceptance and walking in heels is easy!
Lady Gaga carrier: Can we kill the kid?
Lisa Simpson: I denounce thee! I denounce thee! I denounce thee!
Lady Gaga: Whoa! Easy there, little monster.
Lisa Simpson: Don't monster me!
Lady Gaga: Okay, Lisa.
[Leaves crying]
Lisa Simpson: Are you crying glitter?
Lady Gaga: Tiny diamonds. Hurts like hell.

Lady Gaga: Now you only have one thing to do to become a little monster.
Lisa Simpson: I'll do anything! But no singing.
Lady Gaga: You gotta sing!


"The Simpsons: The Great Louse Detective (#14.6)" (2002)
Marge Simpson: [walking through a prison] I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.
Lisa Simpson: It still beats Disney's California Adventure.

[Chief Wiggum reveals Sideshow Bob as the criminal who will help catch whomever wants Homer dead]
Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Ahhh! Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, come now. We've been through so much. Just call me Bob.
Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Ahhh! Bob!

Bart, Lisa: Aah! Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Please, we've been through so much together. Call me Bob.
Bart, Lisa: Aah! Bob!


"The Simpsons: Homer the Great (#6.12)" (1995)
Homer: I'd give anything to get into the Stonecutters.
Lisa: What do they do there, Dad?
Grampa: I'm a member -
Homer: What do they do? What *don't* they do?
[laughs]
Homer: Oh, they do so many things they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars.
Lisa: You don't know what they do there, do you?
Homer: Not as such, no.

Grampa: I'm a member!
Homer: Huh?
Grampa: What?
Homer: What?
Grampa: Huh?
Lisa: You're a member of the Stonecutters, Grampa?
Grampa: Oh, sure. Let's see...
[starts going through the cards in his wallet]
Grampa: I'm an elk, a Mason, a communist. I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters.
Homer: This is it! My ticket in: they have to let me in if I'm the son of a member. I'll take this communist one too.

Marge Simpson: Kids can be so cruel.
Bart Simpson: [walking by] We can? Thanks Mom!
[runs off]
Lisa Simpson: Ow, cut it out Bart!


"The Simpsons: Holidays of Future Passed (#23.9)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: Sometimes I wish strangling your children was still legal.
Marge Simpson: Not since they passed Homer's Law.

Lisa Simpson: My own daughter thinks I'm a ruthless tyrant, like Hitler or Prince Harry.
Homer Simpson: Oh, Bloody Harry. He brought back beheading in a big way.

Lisa Simpson: Google, you may have enslave half the world, but you're a darn fine search engine.


"The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy Land (#6.4)" (1994)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, remember when you said going to Itchy & Scratchy Land would be too damn expensive?
Homer: Oh, everything's too damn expensive nowadays. Look at this Bible I bought - fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everyone's a sinner. Except for this guy.

Bart: Mom, guess what!
Lisa Simpson: We're going to Itchy & Scratchy Land!
Marge: No. I've already planned our vacation for this year. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.
[Bart and Lisa stare, horrified]
Marge: It's shaped like a diner! And it's on this really tall pole.

Homer: Okay, let's make a pact. This is gonna be the best vacation ever or we're all agreed to disband and join other families.
Marge, Bart, Lisa Simpson: Agreed.


"The Simpsons: You Don't Have to Live Like a Referee (#25.16)" (2014)
Lisa Simpson: Martin Prince took my essay subject. What do I do?
Bart Simpson: Here's what you do. Write about your dad.
Lisa Simpson: Everyone writes about their dad.
Bart Simpson: Sure, everyone writes about the good dads, but with our dad, it's like climbing Mount Everest. You either plant your flag at the top, or you die there frozen. Either way, hell of a show.

Lisa Simpson: My hero isn't someone famous.
Homer Simpson: Pfth. Loser.
Lisa Simpson: He's never accomplished anything great.
Homer Simpson: Pa-thetic.
Lisa Simpson: And he's not in any history book.
Homer Simpson: Makes me sick.
Lisa Simpson: He's my dad.
Homer Simpson: Bwah?

Homer Simpson: Well, as long as we're being brutally honest, that picture you drew of me in the third grade was far from a perfect likeness.
Lisa Simpson: But you put it on the fridge.
Homer Simpson: It was pity fridged!


"The Simpsons: The Greatest Story Ever D'ohed (#21.16)" (2010)
Ned Flanders: Homer, our Bible study group is going to the Holy Land. I would like to invite you and your family to come as my guests.
Homer Simpson: Let's see: go to a war zone with a busload of religious lame-os, in a country with no pork and a desert with no casinos. Where do I sign up?
Marge Simpson: Homer, I can hear your sarcasm from inside the house, and the dishwasher is on. What's going on?
Lisa Simpson: Mr. Flanders is inviting us to Israel. I think he's trying to get dad into Heaven.
Bart Simpson: Great, more Hell for me.

Dr. Hibbert: Marge, I'm afraid your husband has what is known as Jerusalem Syndrome.
Lisa Simpson: Ah, yes. Jerusalem Syndrome. A delusion or psychosis of a religious nature while visiting Jerusalem.
Bart Simpson: Have you ever noticed that dad always gets the diseases they write about in the in-flight magazine?

Bart Simpson: I want the window seat.
Lisa Simpson: Krav maga!
Bart Simpson: You can't kill what's already dead.
[Lisa kicks him in groin]
Bart Simpson: I was wrong!


"The Simpsons: Kill the Alligator and Run (#11.19)" (2000)
[in the car on the way to Florida]
Lisa: Mom, Bart's sitting next to me.
Bart: Mom, Lisa's growing.
Marge: Quiet, you two. You know your father's just had a breakdown.
Homer: My pockets hurt.

Lisa: You can't drive, dad. He's got your license.
Homer Simpson: Well, I'm gonna try anyway.
[starts the car]
Homer Simpson: It worked! It's a miracle!

Velma: You took the signs out of the window? That's pretty presumptuous. How do you know I'm going to hire you?
Bart Simpson: Sorry, I just want to be a broom-boy so bad.
Velma: I like your attitude. You're hired.
[to Lisa]
Velma: How about you, missy? You wanna be a mop girl?
Lisa: Not really no.
Velma: I like your honesty. You're hired.
[to Marge and Homer]
Velma: And you two haven't said a word. I like that. you're hired.


"The Simpsons: Hardly Kirk-ing (#24.13)" (2013)
Lisa Simpson: Milhouse?
Milhouse Van Houten: Milhouse? Who's Milhouse? I mean, he's my son.

Lisa Simpson: I'd better not get a backwards facing seat, or I'll get sick.
Bart Simpson: Well, if I see your face, I'll get sick.

Lisa Simpson: Your line of educational videos have turned my brother's brain into mush.
Bart Simpson: Pretty shapes tell me to kill everyone.


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 1 (#6.25)" (1995)
Lisa Simpson: [on the phone] Oh, no! That's awful, Mr. Puente. What? Oh, he owns the nuclear power plant. Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash, too.
[hangs up the phone]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns?
Homer: Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank-you card.
Lisa Simpson: Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
[Homer looks at the card and lowers it slowly; his pupils shrink in anger]
Homer: Kids, would you step outside for a second?
[Bart and Lisa run outside as Homer stands up]
Homer: [inhales deeply] F...
[church organ plays a chord, birds fly away and everyone looks at the Simpson house]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!

Marge Simpson: I must say, Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate - selfish, even.
Bart Simpson: Burns needs some serious boostafazoo, right Dad?... Dad?... Homer!
Lisa Simpson: [Bart pulls paper away to reveal Abe]
[Abe, Bart Lisa all scream]
Lisa Simpson: Sorry, Grampa. It's just that for a second it looked like Dad had melted.
Abe Simpson: Well, get used to it, 'cause I'm living here now. I ain't going back to the retirement home until they fish my bed out of that sinkhole.

Moe Szyslak: I lost my bar!
Barney Gumble: I lost his bar!
Lisa Simpson: He robbed the school of music!
Principal Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito!
Homer: He can't remember my name!
Marge Simpson: He's causing us all to yell!
[Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]
Bart Simpson: Look what he did to my best friend!
[Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies]
Bart Simpson: No, my dog!
[Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?


"The Simpsons: Bart's Comet (#6.14)" (1995)
Bart: What's really amazing is this is exactly what Dad said would happen!
Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right!
Homer: I know, kids, I'm scared too!

Lisa: It blew up the bridge! We're doomed!
Homer: It's times like this I wish I were a religious man.
Reverend Lovejoy: [running down the street, crazes] It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer! AAAHHH!

Homer: [at dinner] ... and then I sped away without anyone seeing my license plate.
Lisa: Sounds like you had a good day today, Dad.
Homer: Yeah... except I forgot to go to work.
[everyone looks at him silently]
Marge Simpson: What did you do today, Bart?
Bart: What didn't I do?
[hands his mother a newspaper]
Marge Simpson: [reading] "Boy Discovers Comet"...
Lisa: What?
Marge Simpson: "A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet to be known as the 'Bart Simpson Comet'." Oh honey, I'm so proud of you!
Bart: But then, you've *always* been proud of me.
Marge Simpson: [pauses] Yes...


"The Simpsons: $pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (#5.10)" (1993)
Lisa: [about her state costume] I'm a monster!
Homer: No, lisa, you're not a monster. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor! We must save your mother from his neon claws!

[Lisa has had a nightmare]
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the boogeyman was after me, and he was hiding under...
Homer: Ahhhhhhhhhh! Boogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!
[Homer bursts into Bart's room]
Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house!
Bart: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

[Lisa has to dress up as a state for the school pageant]
Marge: Well, in honor of legalized gambling, why don't you go as Nevada?
Lisa: No, Nevada makes my butt look big.


"The Simpsons: The Real Housewives of Fat Tony (#22.19)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: [worried] Dad, Aunt Selma is treating a mob boss like an ordinary taxpayer.
Homer Simpson: [excited] And we've got front row seats!

Lisa Simpson: This is our home. There's nothing buried here except hopes and dreams.

Lisa Simpson: That's a truffle.
Bart Simpson: You're a truffle!
Lisa Simpson: A truffle is a rare underground fungus that grows on the roots of trees.
Bart Simpson: Leave it to you to make tree poop boring.


"The Simpsons: Blood Feud (#2.22)" (1991)
Homer: Marge, quick, what's my blood type?
Marge Simpson: A-positive.
Homer: Aw, nuts!
Lisa Simpson: You know his blood type? How romantic!
Marge Simpson: A mother knows everything about her family.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, yeah? What's my shoe size?
Marge Simpson: 4-B.
Bart: How many teeth do I have?
Marge Simpson: Sixteen permanent, eight baby.
Lisa Simpson: Rings?
Marge Simpson: I don't want you wearing rings, it looks cheap. But three.
Homer: How many hairs on my head? Without looking!
Marge Simpson: Oh, Homie, you have lots of hair.
Lisa Simpson: Earmuff?
Marge Simpson: XM.
Bart: Allergies?
Marge Simpson: Butterscotch and imitation butterscotch.
Bart: And...?
Marge Simpson: Glow-in-the-dark monster makeup.
Bart: Ooh, impressive.

Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing! Just a big, scary rock!
Bart: Hey, don't knock the head, man.
Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded! The moral of the story is that a good deed is its own reward!
Bart: But we got a reward, the head is cool!
Marge: Well, then maybe the moral is, no good deed goes unrewarded.
Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter we wouldn't have gotten anything.
Marge: Mmmm... then I guess the moral is, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Lisa: Maybe there is no moral, Mom.
Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
Homer: Amen to that.
[the whole family laughs]

Bart: They always told me I was gonna destroy the family, but I never really believed it.
Lisa: That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it. We were just trying to scare you.


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Greek (#3.14)" (1992)
Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Eh, somewhere in the back.

[Lisa flips through the card catalog]
Lisa: Let's see... Football... Football..."Homoeroticism in"..."Oddball Canadian rules"..."Phyllis George and"...

Lisa: Mom, why isn't Dad interested in anything I do?
Marge: Well, have you ever tried doing something he's interested in?
Lisa: Well, we used to have burping contests, but I outgrew it.


"The Simpsons: Bart on the Road (#7.20)" (1996)
[Lisa tells Homer about Bart's problem after making him promise not to get mad]
Lisa: [rapidly] Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson to a wig outlet in Knoxville and the car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong!
[Homer's face turns pink, but his voice is eerily calm]
Homer: Yes, that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?
[He puts on a radiation suit hood and screams out indistinguishable profanities, fogging the glass of the faceplate. When he takes the hood off, he is eerily calm again]
Homer: All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him.

[When the school replaces a normal school day with "Follow your parents to work" day, Marge encourages Lisa to go to the nuclear plant, while Bart looks forward to staying home, "observing" Marge]
Marge: Lisa, you've always been interested in nuclear power.
Lisa: Mom, I've signed numerous petitions to shut that place down.
Marge: Well, there you go.
Bart: Mom, you're in the way of the TV. If you want to, you can fill out my form.
Marge: [reading] "Parent's occupation... Please note that 'homemaker' is not allowed, as it is not real work, that's why you don't get paid." Mmmm...
Lisa: Bart can take my place at the nuclear power plant.
Marge: But Bart so wanted to see women in the workplace.
Lisa: Well, how about Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma at the DMV?
[Bart gasps]
Marge: Thank you, Lisa! I would have never thought of that.
[Lisa chuckles]

Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.


"The Simpsons: Bart vs. Australia (#6.16)" (1995)
[after Bart moons the people of Australia by writing "Don't tread on me" on his behind]
Marge: I'm glad you're all right, honey, but I wish you'd chosen a more tasteful way to be patriotic.
Lisa: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

Bart: No fair! You only won because you had the inside track. If the water had been going the other way...
Lisa: It never goes the other way, Bart. In the Northern Hemisphere, water always drains counter-clockwise. It's called the Coriolis Effect.
Bart: No way! Water doesn't obey your "rules." It goes where it wants to. Like me, babe.

[Lisa sees a sign for a "Yahoo Serious Festival"]
Lisa: I know those words, but that sign doesn't make sense.


"The Simpsons: Crook and Ladder (#18.19)" (2007)
Lisa: Why do you listen to this magazine? It's a Larry Flint publication.
Marge: Lisa, stop reading mastheads.
Lisa: I can't. I won't!

Homer: I can't wait for my first fire. Is that one?
Lisa: That's just someone barbecueing.
Homer: Oh. Is that one?
Bart: That's just a guy with red hair.
Homer: Oh.

Lisa: I've read that people do strange things in their sleep when they've taken Ambien... I mean Nappien.


"The Simpsons: Brake My Wife, Please (#14.20)" (2003)
[Homer wants to go to Moe's bar, but his driving license has been suspended]
Lisa Simpson: Why don't you take public transportation?
Homer Simpson: Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.

Homer Simpson: Let's go for a nice family walk around the block.
Lisa Simpson: I want to amble.
Bart Simpson: I want to saunter.
Lisa Simpson: Amble!
Bart Simpson: Saunter!
Lisa Simpson: Amble!
Bart Simpson: Saunter!
Marge Simpson: Stop saying things!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, can you please get me the syrup.
[Homer gets the syrup from the cupboard]
Homer Simpson: See, before, I probably would have just driven to the syrup.


"The Simpsons: The Burns and the Bees (#20.8)" (2008)
Lisa Simpson: I'll miss them.
Marge Simpson: Now you know how I'll feel when you go off to college.
Lisa Simpson: Don't worry, mom. You'll always have Bart. Always.
Marge Simpson: But he'll be away fixing refrigerators.
Lisa Simpson: Always!

Lisa Simpson: Mr. Burns, you can't do that.
Mr. Burns: I can, I am, and soon I shall have been. I'm unstoppable!
[Turns around and walks into a tree]
Mr. Burns: Have his acorns killed and make him watch.

Lisa Simpson: Listen, people. You didn't listen to me about the darter snail, you didn't listen to me about the osprey, and you didn't listen to me about the jabalina.
Lenny: The feisty pig of the desert?
Lisa Simpson: Apparently, not feisty enough.


"The Simpsons: The Joy of Sect (#9.13)" (1998)
Fox TV announcer: You are watching Fox.
Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: [all in a trance] We are watching Fox.

Lisa: Watch it, Dad, you're the highly suggestible type.
Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

Homer: I've joined the Movementarians, Marge.
Marge: You WHAT?
Homer: I've joined the Movementarians. And so have all of you.
Marge: We WHAT?
Homer: All I had to give them was our life savings, the deed to our house, and a commitment of 10 trillion years of labor.
Marge: I can't go along with this, Homer.
Homer: Marge, when I join an underground cult, I expect a little support from my family.
Lisa: Do you think you might have been brainwashed, Dad?
Homer: I haven't been brainwashed.
[Goes glassy eyed]
Homer: Kill the girl. Kill the girl.


"The Simpsons: Moe Letter Blues (#21.21)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Dad, what did mom mean when she said she had to take care of something?
Homer Simpson: Son, I'm something of an expert on women, and if I've learned something is that they never mean anything about anything.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's a very dangerous attitude to have about your wife.
Homer Simpson: Honey, I hear what you're saying.
Homer Simpson: [whispering to Bart] Nothing.

Bart Simpson: [Locking up Apu's kids in a cell at the Civil War fort] You Rebel punks make me sick!
[cracks a whip]
Bart Simpson: This is for what you Graybacks did to our boys at Andersonville!
Lisa Simpson: When cruelty is involved, Bart sure knows his history.


"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Focus Group Guy: All right, thanks for participating in our focus group, kids. Today, we're gonna show you some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons.
[the kids cheer]
Nelson Muntz: Cool!
Focus Group Guy: We want you to tell us what you think. And be honest because no one from the show is spying on you.
[a man behind the mirror sneezes making the mirror shake]
Lisa Simpson: Why is that mirror sneezing?
Focus Group Guy: Look, it's just an old creaky mirror, you know. Sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing or coughing or talking softly.
Lisa Simpson: [suspiciously] Hmm.
Focus Group Guy: [holds his thumb up to the mirror] Now, you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left.
Ralph Wiggum: [with his knob in his mouth] My knob tastes funny.
Focus Group Guy: [taking the knob out of Ralph's mouth] Please refrain from tasting the knob.

Focus Group Guy: [after showing the kids some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons] Okay, how many of the kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real life problems like the ones you face every day?
[the kids cheer]
Focus Group Guy: And who would like to see them do just the opposite, getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers.
[the kid kids cheer again]
Focus Group Guy: So you want a realistic down-to-earth show that's completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots?
[the kids all chat at once about it being a great idea]
Milhouse Van Houten: And, also, you should win things by watching.
Focus Group Guy: [sighs]
Roger Myers Jr.: [turns off the mirror disguise in the window] You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids, 'cause you're stupid. Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!
[turns the mirror back on]
Ralph Wiggum: [starts crying] Mommy!
Lisa Simpson: Um, excuse me, sir. The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Itchy & Scratchy Show. It's as good as ever. But after so many years, the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.
Roger Myers Jr.: [turns the mirror off again] That's it. That's it, little girl. You've saved Itchy & Scratchy!
Blue-haired Lawyer: [holding out a piece of paper to Lisa] Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy & Scratchy.


"The Simpsons: Four Great Women and a Manicure (#20.20)" (2009)
Lisa Simpson: This bed's too hard. This bed's too soft. This bed is just... like the first one, also too hard. I guess I'll sleep in the one that's too soft.

Lisa Simpson: I know another story about a great woman. It's called Snow White and the Seven
Lawyer: [interrupts Lisa] Excuse me, but the story you are about to tell is a copyright property of the Walt Disney Company.
Lisa Simpson: What? Snow White is a fairy tale that has been around for hundreds of years. Nobody owns the rights to it.
Lawyer: Does your story have any dwarves in it?
Lisa Simpson: Yes, but they are my own original creation. Their names are Crabby, Drunky, Hungry, Greedy, Lenny, Kerney, and Doc-tor Hibbert.


"The Simpsons: Stop or My Dog Will Shoot (#18.20)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, why don't you toss me in the air so I can see the way out?
[tossed in the air]
Lisa Simpson: Corn.
[tossed in the air]
Lisa Simpson: More corn
[tossed in the air]
Lisa Simpson: Another kid being tossed.
[tossed in the air]
Lisa Simpson: Witches' coven.
[tossed in the air]
Lisa Simpson: Seattle Space Needle.
[tossed in the air]
Lisa Simpson: Amateur production of Can't Take it With You.
[tossed in the air]
Lisa Simpson: Oh, I'm getting dizzy.
[tossed in the air]
Lisa Simpson: And corn again.

Bart: Hey, Lisa. Wanna touch Strangles? He's not slimy at all, he's scaly.
Lisa Simpson: Eww, he is slimy!
Bart: That's because I dipped him in slime!


"The Simpsons: She of Little Faith (#13.6)" (2001)
Lisa Simpson: Lenny and Carl? You guys are Buddhist?
Carl: Oh, yeah. If I didn't have inner peace, I'd go completely psycho on all you guys all the time.
Lisa Simpson: Well, I'm looking for a new faith, one that isn't so materialistic.
Richard Gere: Well, you've come to the right place. Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire.
Lisa Simpson: Richard Gere?
Lenny: Ooh! The world's most famous Buddhist.
Richard Gere: Well, what about the Dalai Lama?
Carl: You know, the fourteenth incarnation of the Buddha Avalokesvara?
Lenny: Who's Buddha?
Richard Gere: It's a good thing Buddhism teaches freedom from desire, 'cause I've got the desire to kick your ass.

[Homer is setting up a rocket Bart purchased]
Bart: This is gonna be cool.
Lisa: And also educational. We can learn about science.
Homer: Science.
Bart: Uh... she didn't say 'science', she said... 'pie pants'
Homer: Mmmm... pie pants...


"The Simpsons: Angry Dad: The Movie (#22.14)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: Your film's not all bad. If you cut out the parts that don't work, it could make a great short film.
Bart Simpson: A short film?
Lisa Simpson: Many directors, like Wes Anderson, Frank Tashlin and Tim Burton, started out with short films.
Bart Simpson: Name one more.
Lisa Simpson: Taylor Hackford.
Bart Simpson: I don't know who that is, but I'm convinced!

Lisa Simpson: Good luck, Mr. Park. There's no shame in losing to you.
Nick Park: Good luck to you too, Lisa. You're too kind.
[They shake hands; Nick's fingers come off in Lisa's hand]
Lisa Simpson: Eew!
Nick Park: No worries. I just stick them back on. I'm more clay than man now.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIII (#24.2)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: Lisa, do you have a stray dog in the basement?
Lisa Simpson: Well, it's worse than a stray dog.
Homer Simpson: Two stray dogs?
Lisa Simpson: It's a black hole.
Homer Simpson: That was going to be my next guess.
Lisa Simpson: Are you sure your next guess wasn't three stray dogs?
Homer Simpson: Maybe.

Homer Simpson: If anyone finds this footage after we're dead or missing, remember me as a hero.
Bart Simpson: Dad, you forgot to pick me up from little league!
Lisa Simpson: You threw your car keys in my bean plant!
Homer Simpson: A hero!
Ned Flanders: Homer, is that my camera?
Homer Simpson: Hero away!


"The Simpsons: The Fight Before Christmas (#22.8)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: Hey, I thought you didn't want a Christmas tree.
Lisa Simpson: I didn't at first, but this tree is to remind us of mom. It serves as a reminder that someday this war will be over.
Homer Simpson: And someday TV will be invented, and it will be free, at first.
Lisa Simpson: Until then, this tree will stand for mom and everything she stands for: hope, family, and sweeping up dried needles.

Homer Simpson: Don't worry. I'm sure if something happened to your mother, they would have told us.
Pimple-faced Teen: Telegram!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[reads telegram]
Homer Simpson: "Marge Simpson is now MIA"? Oh, no! She changed her name to Mia!
Pimple-faced Teen: No, that means she's missing in action.
[Homer cries]
Lisa Simpson: See? Everytime we get a tree, something bad happens.
[runs away]
Homer Simpson: I wish it were me instead of her!
Pimple-faced Teen: There's still time. The recruitment office is right...
Homer Simpson: Shut up.


"The Simpsons: The Parent Rap (#13.2)" (2001)
Lisa Simpson: Hey Karen!
Karen: Hey Lisa!

Lisa Simpson: That's my brother.
Snake: Um, did she say she used to be a dude?


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)
Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
Bart: Thanks, Mom.
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba.
Marge: Hmmmmm.
Maggie: [sucks pacifier]
Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney Gumble: [belches]
Nelson: Ha-ha.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
[pause, everyone stares at Lisa]
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?

Homer Simpson: Come on, Lisa, say something funny.
Lisa: Like what?
Homer Simpson: Oh, something stupid like Bart would say. "Bucka Bucka" or "Woozle Wuzzle": something like that.


"The Simpsons: Simpson Tide (#9.19)" (1998)
Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
Bart: Milhouse has one.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.
Homer: Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud naval tradition.
Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me.
Homer: Oh... I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
Lisa: Can I?
Homer: No.

[Bart has had his ear pierced]
Lisa: An earring, how rebellious. In a conformist sort of way.


"The Simpsons: Weekend at Burnsie's (#13.16)" (2002)
Lisa Simpson: Mom, my potato is eating a carrot
[All are watching a huge potato eating a carrot that tries to escape on its own]

Marge Simpson: [Homer tries his first medical marijuana in the bedroom, the smoke comes through the closed door and downstairs to where Marge, Lisa, and Bart are] What is that billowing down the stairs?
[Gasps]
Marge Simpson: It's smoke!
Lisa Simpson: [Sniffs] It smells like the art teacher's office.


"The Simpsons: Little Girl in the Big Ten (#13.20)" (2002)
[Lisa just wakes up after passing out]
Homer: Lisa? Lisa? Are you ok?
Lisa: Ok? I'm great. I'm ready for the gymnastics class, now. Ich bin ein gymnast.
Homer: Awww, she must've dreamt about Hitler, again.

[In order to go to College, Lisa convinced two College girls that her house is an off-campus dorm]
Tina: Hey, Lisa. Where've you been?
Lisa: In heaven.
Carrie: I love her. She's such a free spirit.
Tina: She has to be, where she lives. That place had a Manson Family vibe...


"The Simpsons: Postcards from the Wedge (#21.14)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: Bart, you would really ruin mom and dad's marriage just to get out of a little homework?
Bart Simpson: Hey, hey! I would end all live on this planet if it would get me out of learning fractions.
Lisa Simpson: Fractions aren't so hard. All you have to do is find a lowest common denominator. For example, one-half plus one-third is four...
Bart Simpson: End... All... Life... On... This... Planet!
[Makes explosion sound]
Lisa Simpson: You'll need to know fractions to make that explosion!
Bart Simpson: I don't care!

Lisa Simpson: Congratulations. You are now officially a sociopath.
Bart Simpson: Hey, at least I'm on a path.


"The Simpsons: Margical History Tour (#15.11)" (2004)
Lenny: At last, the Pacific Ocean!
Lisa Simpson: That's a mud puddle.
Lenny: Some of us find solutions instead of looking for problems.

Carl Carlson: We'll never forget you, Pocahontas.
Lisa Simpson: Sacagawea!
Carl Carlson: Gesundheit.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's First Word (#4.10)" (1992)
Marge: Oh Maggie, when are you going to talk?
Lisa Simpson: Well, don't push her. Remember, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer: [thinking] What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
[outloud]
Homer: Takes one to know one.
[thinking]
Homer: Swish!

Marge: We saved the newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa Simpson: [reading] Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef.
Bart: Where's the beef? What the hell does that mean?
Homer: [laughing] Where's the beef. No wonder he won Minnesota.


"The Simpsons: Boy Meets Curl (#21.12)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Your dressed is full of pins.
Lisa Simpson: There is no dress. It's all pins!

Bart Simpson: Lisa, I know all about addiction from watching dad, and the first step to recovery is to get rid of the substance. So take off your pins. All of them.
Lisa Simpson: What is this, tough love?
Bart Simpson: I prefer to think of if more like soft hate.


"The Simpsons: Wedding for Disaster (#20.15)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: So if you weren't married, does that mean I'm a bastard?
Lisa Simpson: We were borned when they were married, so in the literal sense, no. But in the sense of someone being angry at you, yes.

Lisa Simpson: Dad couldn't have ditched us. He would never leave a wings bar. And he loves mom and us, yadda yadda.


"The Simpsons: E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) (#11.5)" (1999)
Bart: I'll dig an outhouse.
Lisa: I'll weed the floor.
Marge: I'll repress the rage I'm feeling!

[Homer has just been shot]
Lisa: You know, Dad, that's probably something you should go to the hospital for.
Homer: After pie.


"The Simpsons: Pay Pal (#25.21)" (2014)
Lisa Simpson: I'm gonna tell every therapist I go to what you did.
Marge Simpson: Oh, my God. Every mother's greatest fear!
[Starts crying]
Lisa Simpson: [Thinking] I made mom cry. What unimaginable power. I can make mom do anything I want, but what I want now is for mom to stop crying!

Lisa Simpson: Happy Mothers Day!
Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson: Mothers Day?
Homer Simpson: Crap!
[both run out the door]


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIV (#15.1)" (2003)
Lisa Simpson: Dad you've become the new Grim Reaper!
Homer Simpson: No way! Forget it! I may occasionally kill out of anger or to illustrate a point but I am not a Grim Reaper!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you realize what you've done? You've created a world without death!
Homer Simpson: Does this mean they'll never cancel the Jim Belushi show?
Lisa Simpson: I guess so.
Homer Simpson: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


"The Simpsons: The Great Wife Hope (#21.3)" (2009)
Lisa Simpson: This goes against every feminist bone in my body, but dad, can't you control your woman?
Homer Simpson: How could I? I have nothing to withhold.

Lisa Simpson: Mom, there has to be another way.
Homer Simpson: [Dressed as Marge] There certainly is. Marge Simpson reporting for duty.
[Imitates Marge's irritated murmur]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, there is no way anyone is going to fall for that.
Moe Szyslak: Well, Marge, ready to come with me to my high school reunion?
Homer Simpson: Moe, there's something I need to tell you. It's really me, Homer.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, but last year I took Barney dressed as Marge. Think how much better you'll look.
Homer Simpson: All right. But you'd better not leave me alone to talk to your friends.
Moe Szyslak: Hey, you keep talking like that and I'll leave you here right now.


"The Simpsons: Homer and Apu (#5.13)" (1994)
Apu: [singing] Whether igloo, hut, or geodesic dome there's no structure that I've been to that I'd rather call my home. When I first arrived you were all such jerks but now I've come to love your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can phyliosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fellow, sorry about the samonella.
Homer: [laughing] That's okay.
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart, now here's the tricky part, oh won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwwik-E-Mart?
Marge: Their floors are stik-e-mart.
Lisa: They made dad sik-e-mart.
Bart: Let's hurl a brik-e-mart.
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'OH!
Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not me!
Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart. Good bye to Kwik-E-Mart. Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not me.
Homer: Everything wrapped up nicely. Earlier than usual.
Marge: I guess happiness is wherever you find it.
Homer: And we've all found happiness. Every one of us.
Apu: [Sobbing]
Homer: What's that sound?
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I do.
Homer: Hey! He lied to us through song. I hate it when people do that.

[while eating the Indian food Apu prepared]
Marge: Hmm, well, it certainly is exotic.
[Lisa begins panting]
Marge: Oh, honey, is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: [in a high, squeaky, soft voice] I can see through time!


"The Simpsons: Homer Goes to College (#5.3)" (1993)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, don't let these application essays throw you. Let's see: "List your three favorite books and how they've influenced your life".
Homer Simpson: Is "TV Guide" a book?
Lisa Simpson: No.
Homer Simpson: "Son of Sniglet"?
Lisa Simpson: No.
Homer Simpson: Katherine Hepburn's "Me"?
Lisa Simpson: No!
Homer Simpson: Oh, I suck!

Bart Simpson: Dad, start digging some nerd holes!
Lisa Simpson: It's bad enough they put their retainers in the dishwasher; can't we do something?
Homer Simpson: Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony, right, Marge?
Marge Simpson: No, I want those geeks outta my house!


"The Simpsons: Luca$ (#25.17)" (2014)
Lisa Simpson: I can't go out with him. He's just Ralph with a dream.

Lisa Simpson: Maybe competitive eating isn't the sport for you.
Lucas Bortner: It's not just a sport. It's my life.
Lisa Simpson: I mean, maybe we haven't found the right food for you. How about ice cream?
Lucas Bortner: Sure. I can pound that cream.
[90 seconds later]
Lucas Bortner: [On the floor] Oh, my God, brain freeze! Kick my head until I pass out!
[Lisa gives Lucas a tap on the head with her foot]
Lucas Bortner: Harder! I'm still conscious!


"The Simpsons: Brush with Greatness (#2.18)" (1991)
Bart Simpson: [sees the line] Ay carumba! Okay, Lis, turn on the waterers, babe.
Lisa Simpson: [starts crying] Mommy! I want my mommy!
[using Lisa, Bart shoulders his way through the line]

Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?
Homer Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?
Homer Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?
Homer Simpson: No!
[series of dissolves, showing this continuing, ad infinitum, until Homer and Marge are in bed]
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?
Homer Simpson: NO! NO! NO!
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Will you take us-?
Homer Simpson: IF I TAKE YOU, WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP AND QUIT BUGGING ME?
Bart Simpson: Yeah!
Lisa Simpson: Of course!
Bart Simpson: Well?
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Thanks, Dad!


"The Simpsons: Pranks and Greens (#21.6)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: Dad, Lisa's making me see both sides again!
Homer Simpson: Lisa, what did I tell you about that?
Lisa Simpson: But dad, shouldn't Bart see both sides to make an informed decision?
Homer Simpson: Well... But... Aw, now you've got me doing it!

Homer Simpson: Why is that guy with a purse?
Lisa Simpson: That's a reusable grocery bag. This market doesn't use plastic bags because they end up on the oceans and interfere with jellyfish mating habits.
Homer Simpson: Stupid horny jellyfish neutering our dudes.


"The Simpsons: Apocalypse Cow (#19.17)" (2008)
Lisa Simpson: I'll just give the signal.
[Calls in a loud stage-whisper:]
Lisa Simpson: "Milk is murder!"
Voice from Bushes: "Cheese is genocide!"

Lisa Simpson: [after Lou the Calf has won a 4-H blue ribbon] Bart, you *do* know what comes next...?
Bart Simpson: Something comes next?


"The Simpsons: Bart's Inner Child (#5.7)" (1993)
Bart: Lis, everyone in town is acting like me, so why does it suck?
Lisa: It's simple, Bart. You've defined yourself as a rebel. And in the absence of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been co-opted.
Bart: I see.

Homer: Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture.
Lisa: We know, Dad.
Homer: I just thought I'd remind everybody. After all, we did agree to attend this self-help seminar.
Bart: What an odd thing to say...


"The Simpsons: Rome-old and Juli-eh (#18.15)" (2007)
Bart Simpson: Lower the drawbridge!
Lisa Simpson: What's the password.
Bart Simpson: [begrudgingly] I love my sister.

Lisa Simpson: We beat them back! Now we can enjoy Boxingham Palace in peace.
Bart Simpson: Wanna melt it with a hose?
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, I guess. A couple of birds pooped on it over here.


"The Simpsons: The War of Art (#25.15)" (2014)
Lisa Simpson: [Her guinea pig goes into a mousehole] He's in the walls. I hear chewing.
Bart Simpson: No, that's a much larger animal.
Homer Simpson: [In the kitchen on the other side of the wall] Kettlecorn: the heroin of the farmer's market.

Lisa Simpson: I can't believe I'm really going! My first trip to providence.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, yeah. Just remember, if your mother asks, I took you to a wine tasting.
Lisa Simpson: That's a terrible thing for a father to do.
Homer Simpson: That's why she'll believe it.


"The Simpsons: Stark Raving Dad (#3.1)" (1991)
Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Would you fill out this form for me?
Lisa Simpson: Well, all right - if you listen to the poem I just wrote.
Homer: D'oh...! Uh, okay.
Lisa Simpson: "Meditations on Turning Eight," by Lisa Simpson. "I had a cat named Snowball, she died, she died! Mom said she was sleeping, she lied, she lied! Why, oh why is my cat dead? Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? I had a hamster named Snuffy, he died!"
[that's all she wrote, literally]
Homer: No deal.

Bart: [Lisa wakes up Bart] Lisa, it's 6 a.m., what's wrong? Dad died?
Lisa Simpson: No, no, no, he's fine.
Bart: Whaddya know, I'm relieved!


"The Simpsons: Lost Verizon (#20.2)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: I'm never gonna have a cell phone.
Lisa Simpson: And I'm never gonna go to Machu Pichu. In this family, you get used to disappointment.

[Bart is at Lisa's tea party]
Bart Simpson: I don't know why I agreed to this.
Lisa Simpson: Because you like the taste of my imaginary tea.
Bart Simpson: Oh, you're right.


"The Simpsons: Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish' (#7.22)" (1996)
Marge Simpson: Where are we going to put him?
Homer Simpson: Bart's room.
Lisa Simpson: Bart's room.
Marge Simpson: Bart's room.
Bart Simpson: Dumpster.

Montgomery Burns: Terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl.
Lisa Simpson: Santa?


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Substitute (#2.19)" (1991)
[Lisa's crying in her room]
Homer: Are you crying because you called Daddy a baboon?
Lisa Simpson: No!
Homer: [aggravated] Nuts!

[Homer is trying to comfort Lisa after Mr. Bergstrom has left]
Homer: Oh, this isn't working at all!
Lisa Simpson: [wanting him gone] Look, if you just want me to forgive you...!
Homer: No, no! I just wish I knew what to say.
[he opens Lisa's music box, and a tune begins to play]
Homer: Although, maybe this music will help. Now, you you lost someone special to you, and it hurts. I'm lucky, because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is right under this roof.
Lisa Simpson: Oh...
Homer: No, it's true. Now you'll have lots of special people in your life, Lisa. There's probably some place where they all get together and the food is real good, and guys like me are serving drinks.


"The Simpsons: Husbands and Knives (#19.7)" (2007)
[Milo hands out Japanese hard candy]
Nelson Muntz: I got prawn!
Milhouse: I got miso!
Lisa Simpson: I got dolphin.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, are you all right? I see food on your plate instead of blurring motions.
Homer Simpson: Kids, daddy underwent a special procedure done so that he can be more attactive to your mother.
Bart Simpson: You had your hot dog plumped?
Homer Simpson: No, I had my stomach stapled.
[cuts up a piece of pizza, puts it in the blender, and drinks it]
Homer Simpson: Oh, all food tastes like barf now.


"The Simpsons: Bart's Friend Falls in Love (#3.23)" (1992)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, what if I told you that you could lose weight without diet or exercise?
Homer Simpson: I'd call you a lying scumbag, honey. Why?

Lisa: Dad, what would you say if I told you that you can lose weight without dieting?
Homer: I'd say you were a lying scumbag. Why, honey?


"The Simpsons: Fraudcast News (#15.22)" (2004)
Lisa: Elegy for Geezer Rock: Postcard image, thing to see / to think of Springfield is to think of thee. / What thoughts be-pass a'hind thy mien? / Why sky art blue? Why trees art green? / And what, pray tell, did thine eyes see? / Perchance, old friend, they gazed at me. / Brought low by nature's oafish hand / thy crush-ed our reviewing stand. / And twixt thy stones glimpsed I the truth. / All things must pass. Thy face, my youth.

Lisa: [auditioning people for her paper] What kind of journalism experience do you have?
Nelson: I dunno. Making nerds cry?
Lisa: Perfect! You can be our TV critic.


"The Simpsons: Whacking Day (#4.20)" (1993)
[Homer is heading out to participate in Whacking Day]
Lisa: Dad, for the last time, please don't lower yourself to the level of the mob.
Homer: Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions. Now where's my giant foam cowboy hat and airhorn?

Reverend Timothy Lovejoy: [Reading from his Bible] And the Lord said, "Whack ye all the serpents which crawl upon their bellies, and thy town shall be a beacon unto others." So you see, Lisa, even God Himself endorses Whacking Day.
Lisa: Let me see that.
Reverend Timothy Lovejoy: [Putting his Bible away] No.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Vigilante (#5.11)" (1994)
Lisa Simpson: Dad! There was a burglar, and he took my saxophone!
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
Bart Simpson: And our portable TV!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Marge Simpson: He also took my pearl necklace.
Homer Simpson: Eh, that's no big loss.
Marge Simpson: Homer, that neckless was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom!
Homer Simpson: You've probably got a whole drawer full of those things.
Marge Simpson: [Opens a drawer, pulls out a ball made of identical necklaces, removes one from the ball and puts it on] Well, yes I do. But they're all heirlooms too.

Marge Simpson: Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat Burglar?
Lisa Simpson: And I still don't have my saxophone.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back. But we've also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination...
Lisa Simpson: World domination?
Homer Simpson: Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo.
[thinks]
Homer Simpson: Mental note: the girl knows too much.


"The Simpsons: Loan-a Lisa (#22.2)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: You're quitting school?
Nelson Muntz: Dropping it like a melon off an overpass.
Lisa Simpson: But don't you know? People who don't go to college make 3% less than people who do.

Lisa Simpson: Mr. Zuckerberg, I'm Lisa, and this is my friend Nelson.
Nelson Muntz: S'up, Zuck?
Mark Zuckerberg: [Typing] Mark Zuckerberg is... happy to make new friend.
Lisa Simpson: That's nice. Mr. Zuckerberg, I want to show my friend the importance of a college education.
Mark Zuckerberg: Actually, I dropped out of Harvard.
Lisa Simpson: You did?
Nelson Muntz: Better earnin' than learnin'.
Mark Zuckerberg: Hell, yeah! I'll get the best kind of degree: honorary, baby!


"The Simpsons: Dark Knight Court (#24.16)" (2013)
Lisa Simpson: You know, if you want to be seen as a super-hero, maybe you shouldn't tent your fingers like that.
Mr. Burns: How about this?
Lisa Simpson: Maybe if you wrap them behind your head.
Mr. Burns: How about I wrap them around your gabby little throat?
Lisa Simpson: Tenting, tenting. Back to the tenting.

Abraham Simpson: Did you know I once argued in front of the Supreme Court?
Lisa Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson: Don't think so.
Abraham Simpson: Not a chance! I mean, yes.


"The Simpsons: Missionary: Impossible (#11.15)" (2000)
Lisa: Mom. Dad's on PBS.
Marge: Mm? They don't show police chases, do they?

[Homer donates 10000$ to PBS]
Marge: [to Lisa] From now on, one of us stays home all the time.
Lisa: Agreed.


"The Simpsons: Simpson Tall Tales (#12.21)" (2001)
Lisa: Wait a minute! Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan!

[the Simpsons are on a wagon train in the Old West]
Homer: [singing] Cleaning my gun with the safety off, safety off, safety off, cleaning my gun with the...
[gun goes off, killing a buffalo]
Lisa: Dad, you just killed a poor, defenseless buffalo!
Homer: A poor, *delicious* buffalo. He'll be enough food for the whole wagon train.
[shoots another buffalo]
Lisa: Why did you shoot that one?
Homer: Dessert.


"The Simpsons: In Marge We Trust (#8.22)" (1997)
Akira: [on phone] Hai... Hai... Hai... Bye.
Akira: [hangs up and turns to Homer, Bart, Lisa]
Akira: Hi.
Homer Simpson: Akira, can you read this for me?
[hands Akira the box]
Akira: [reading] Ah, yes. This is a product called, "Mr. Sparkle." Very popular dish detergent.
[points to box illustration]
Akira: Hey, he looks like you. Ah! Ah - ha! Ah! Ah!
Lisa Simpson: What's he saying?
Akira: He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.
Lisa Simpson: Wow.
Akira: Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forests of Hokkaido, renowned for its countless soap factories.

[after watching the bizarre "Mr. Sparkle" Japanese commercial]
Homer Simpson: [distraught] That didn't explain anything. All I know is that they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo. There's no other explanation.
Lisa Simpson: Wait, look!
Announcer: [on TV] Mr. Sparkle. A joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern.
[a smiling fish logo appears on the left half of the screen and a light bulb logo appears on the right half. The two logos merge to form the Mr. Sparkle logo]
Lisa Simpson: Hey! It was all a coincidence.
Bart Simpson: [to Homer] Yep. There's your answer, fishbulb.
Homer Simpson: [tired] Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
Bart Simpson: We ARE home.
Homer Simpson: [slouching onto the couch] That was fast.


"The Simpsons: Das Bus (#9.14)" (1998)
Lisa: All we found were these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous.
Ralph: I ated the purple berries... oooh, oohh
[falls to ground]
Ralph: ooohhh.
Lisa: How are they Ralph? Good?
Ralph: They taste like... burning.

Lisa: Oh, figs.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Smithers (#7.17)" (1996)
Bart Simpson: [Homer is eating fruit from a fruit basket he has received from Smithers] What'd you get that for?
Homer: For knocking Mr. Burns out of a third storey window.
Bart Simpson: Makes sense to me.
Lisa Simpson: Did he die?
Homer: What am I, a Doctor?

Bart Simpson: [Homer is asleep on the couch] Look alive, Simpson! I'm not paying you to goldbrick!
[Claps hands]
Homer: Yes! Yes, sir.
Bart Simpson: [Hands him a Math book and a pencil] Now get cracking on my long division, and don't forget to show your work, Simpson.
Homer: I'll have it on your desk in the morning, sir.
Lisa Simpson: Bart! Leave Simpson alone!
[Whispering in Homer's ear]
Lisa Simpson: Simpson, I need a ride to the library.
Homer: Yes, sir.
Marge Simpson: Kids! Stop exploiting your father! Homie, why don't you lie down and relax?
Homer: No time, Marge. I think Mr. Burns wants me to do some long division.
Marge Simpson: Simpson, lie down! Sorry, but you need a good night's rest.


"The Simpsons: Behind the Laughter (#11.22)" (2000)
Homer Simpson: Your favorite show was "Hollywood Hogwash", but we also loved "The Dreck Squad".
Marge Simpson: ..."The Malarkies", "Dumbing it Down"...
Lisa Simpson: "Sheriff Low-brow".
Bart Simpson: "Home Improvement".

Lisa Simpson: To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.
[camera cuts to Homer]
Homer Simpson: That's ridiculous! How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal?
[pause]
Homer Simpson: What?


"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: Oh, hi, kids. You're just in time to go to the dentist.
Bart Simpson: Dentist? You said we were going dirt biking through the cementery.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, Bart. You keep falling for that one every six months.
Homer Simpson: [Carrying a dirt bike] Check it out, suckers! Marge is taking me dirt biking through the cementery.
Lisa Simpson: No, dad. You're going to the dentist too.
Homer Simpson: "Why the cementery?", I wondered, but my dreams were too strong.

Homer Simpson: I will not stay in the same house as someone from the liberal media.
Lisa Simpson: You'll have to excuse him. He's been watching a lot of Fox News.
Homer Simpson: Did you know that every day Mexican gays cross our borders and unplug our brain-dead ladies?


"The Simpsons: Lemon of Troy (#6.24)" (1995)
Bart Simpson: Hey Milhouse, how's the lemonade business?
Milhouse: It's clearly booming, Bart.
Lisa: I don't even want any, I just bought a pity glass.
Milhouse: Gasp! We've squozen our whole supply. To the lemon tree!

Marge: How's Bart's tutoring going?
Lisa: Mom, the only thing Bart's tutoring is guerilla warfare in Shelbyville.
Marge: Come again?
Lisa: Mom, Bart went with a bunch of kids to go wage war on Shelbyville.
Marge: Homer, come quick. Bart quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!


The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)
Lisa Simpson: Careful. My hair is extremely sharp.

Lisa Simpson: I *already* live with aliens.


"The Simpsons: Brawl in the Family (#13.7)" (2002)
[playing Monopoly]
Lisa Simpson: These hotels are made of LEGOs. Bart, you're cheating!
Marge Simpson: Lisa, it was probably an accident.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, sure. You take his side, just because he bought you that house on St. James Place.
Bart Simpson: Who else is going to take care of her? Dad?
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[Homer starts strangling Bart]
Marge Simpson: Stop fighting!
[Marge starts strangling Homer]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, that's not how you pry them apart.
[Lisa grabs Bart's arm and tries to pull him away from Homer]
Marge Simpson: I've been prying them apart since before you were born!

Gabriel: So, this is your room?
Lisa: Yes. My room is my sanctuary. My family members know that and respect that.
Bart: [runs in] Lisa, I got sprayed by a skunk. Let me rub it off on your sweaters.
Lisa: [takes out stress ball and starts squeezing it] Just ten more years, just ten more years, just ten more years...


"The Simpsons: Funeral for a Fiend (#19.8)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: That's funny. There's nobody here.
Homer Simpson: More ribs for me!
Bart Simpson: There are no tables or chairs.
Homer Simpson: More ribs for me!
Lisa Simpson: And there's no sign of an oven, kitchen or food anywhere.
Homer Simpson: [uneasy] More ribs for me?

Sideshow Bob: Sideshow Bob, hoisted on his own petard.
Lisa Simpson: Actually, that's hoisted *by* his own petard.
Sideshow Bob: Oh, get a life.


"The Simpsons: The Call of the Simpsons (#1.7)" (1990)
Lisa Simpson: Remember, Dad. The handle of the big dipper points to the north star.
Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

Lisa Simpson: The Simpsons have entered the forest.


"The Simpsons: Simpson Safari (#12.17)" (2001)
[after discovering Dr. Bushnell's illegal diamond mining operation, Lisa examines the scientist's research]
Lisa: These are just pictures of monkeys from famous movies! This is disgraceful, Doctor!
Dr. Bushwell: All right! So I snapped! You don't understand the crushing loneliness and greed.

[when The Simpsons are on holiday in Africa, Bart marks that he has seen a warthog to his animal card]
Lisa: Hey! You didn't see a warthog!
Bart: I'm looking at one right now.
Lisa: Mom! Bart implied I was a warthog!
Marge: Nobody's a warthog!
Bart: What about him?
[Lisa notices that there is actually a warthog right next to him]


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror X (#11.4)" (1999)
Lisa Simpson: I still can't believe we escaped from those horrible vampires.
Homer Simpson: But it was worth it to get back our Super Sugar Crisp cereal.
Homer Simpson: [singing] Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp.
Marge Simpson: [driving] I'm having a hard time seeing. Homer, did you remember to put the fog lights in?
Homer Simpson: [singing to the same tune] 'Cause I forgot to put the fog lights in.

Lucy Lawless: I'll take you home.
[Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa]
Lisa: Hey, Xena can't fly.
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless.


"The Simpsons: Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore (#15.12)" (2004)
Bart Simpson: I'm going to hit you so hard, it'll kill your family.
Lisa Simpson: Bart, you are my family.

Lisa Simpson: [Thinking] Oh my God, my brother's my best friend!
Marge Simpson: [Thinking] Diamonds! I can't believe he bought me diamonds!
Homer Simpson: [Thinking whilst looking in the mirror] Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the baldest one of all?


"The Simpsons: Little Orphan Millie (#19.6)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: That's not the Milhouse I know.
Nelson Muntz: Ha ha! You know Milhouse!

Bart Simpson: Lise, I don't get it... Why does Milhouse's happiness make me sad?
Lisa Simpson: Bart, Bart, Bart, you're worried you're losing Milhouse, and love is a selfish thing!
Bart Simpson: Shut up! I don't love Milhouse!
Lisa Simpson: Oh Really? The more you deny it, the more I know it's true!
Bart Simpson: Oh, yeah? Well, whenever you're mean, I'm a trampoline. So everything you said goes back and hits your ugly head.
Lisa Simpson: [Laughs] God, that was lame. Where did you get that?
Bart Simpson: From Milhouse! Oh, I love him so much!
Lisa Simpson: Aww, it's okay!


"The Simpsons: Separate Vocations (#3.18)" (1992)
Janey: Well, that was a waste of time.
Lisa: Janey, school is never a waste of time.
Elizabeth Hoover: Class, since we have fifteen minutes until recess, please put your pencils down and stare at the front of the room.

Marge: [referencing Lisa playing the saxaphone] Do you think she could be a professional someday?
Li'l Ludwig's Music School Teacher: Oh lord no!
Lisa: But I'll practice every day!
Li'l Ludwig's Music School Teacher: Yeah well I'll be frank with ya Lisa and when I say frank I mean, you know, devastating. You've inherited a finger condition known as stubbiness, it usually comes from the father's side...


"The Simpsons: Homerazzi (#18.16)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, you're out of shape, even for an American.

Marge Simpson: It's gone! The photo album was a record of my accomplishments. It was like a resume to a man.
Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry, Mom. You have to let these things go. It's not like we could restage the photos all over again.
Marge Simpson: Restage the family album!
Bart Simpson: Lisa, you fool! You've doomed us all!
[Marge puts a baby bonnet on Bart and shoots a picture]
Bart Simpson: Noooo!


"The Simpsons: King Size Homer (#7.7)" (1995)
Homer Simpson: [takes cap out of dryer and puts it on his head] Mmmmm... I CAN feel three types of softness.
Lisa Simpson: [from upstairs] Dad, what are you doing down there?
Homer Simpson: Washing my fat guy's hat honey!

Lisa Simpson: [Homer receives an award for using his fat body to block a toxic vent] I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
Bart Simpson: Yeah, and I think it's ironic that for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic gas...
Marge Simpson: Bart!


"The Simpsons: Brother's Little Helper (#11.2)" (1999)
Bart Simpson: Joke if you will, but did you know most people use ten per cent of their brains? I am now one of them. Before, my energy was all over the place. Now, it's concentrated like a laser beam. Well, this has been terrific. Let's do it again sometime.
Lisa Simpson: Are you standing up to get me to leave?
Bart Simpson: It's from the book.
Lisa Simpson: [scans the book, "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pre-Teens"] Hey! I'm not a Time Burglar!
Bart Simpson: [opens electronic organizer, types as he speaks] Memo to self: Lock door.
Lisa Simpson: All right, I'll go! You don't have to be a jerk about it.
Bart Simpson: [typing again] Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa.

Lisa: I'm so glad you're home. Bart's acting funny.
Homer: "Ray J" funny or "O.J." funny?


"The Simpsons: Homer the Moe (#13.3)" (2001)
[Homer, Lenny, Carl and Barney are sitting in Homer's garage, drinking]
Homer: [to Marge] Barkeep. Another beer.
Marge: Wasn't this supposed to be your tavern?
Homer: It's a family place. Right, kids?
Lisa: Can we go to bed now?

Lisa: This is pretty far to go just to spite Moe, isn't it?
Homer: It's not about spite, it's about petty revenge, and getting back at that traitor Moe.


"The Simpsons: The Great Simpsina (#22.18)" (2011)
The Great Raymondo: Magic is about mystery, illusion, pulling rabbits out of hats! Presto!
[pulls rabbit skeleton out of hat]
The Great Raymondo: Oh...
Lisa Simpson: Ew.
The Great Raymondo: Today's lesson: feed your props.

Lisa Simpson: You're just gonna stand there?
The Great Raymondo: No, with my back, I've got to sit.


"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming (#7.9)" (1995)
Bart Simpson: [Unbeknownst to Lisa, Bart is not wearing any underwear] Ahhh! Free and easy, Lis'! There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for pure comfort.
Lisa Simpson: Huh? Bart we need to get out of here! Mom and Dad are probably worried sick!
[She hears someone approaching]
Lisa Simpson: Shh! Hide!
[Both her and Bart leap into a nearby bush as the Colonel and his aide walk past]
Col. Leslie "Hap" Hapablap: You know what really frosts my Kelvinator? That coward is still laughing at us from his damn hidey-hole.
Private: I'd rather take an order from Bill Clinton than have to listen to that guy's snooty, high-toned voice again, sir!
Lisa Simpson: [after the Colonel is gone] ... High toned voice... Bart, that's it! I know where Sideshow Bob is hiding!
[Lisa runs to Bob's hideout, with Bart following]
Lisa Simpson: When Bob was on the TV earlier, his voice was higher that normal, and what makes your voice high?
Bart Simpson: Tight, binding underwear?
Lisa Simpson: Helium! Sideshow Bob is in the Duff blimp!

[Bart isn't wearing underwear]
Bart Simpson: Free and easy, Lis. There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for maximum comfort.
Lisa: What are you talking about?


"The Simpsons: Moaning Lisa (#1.6)" (1990)
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: My friends call me Bleeding Gums.
Lisa: Eww, how'd you get a name like that?
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist?
Lisa: Yeah.
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one. But I've got enough pain in my life as it is.

Lisa: I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The Iowa farmer, whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal miner, coughing...
Mr. Largo: Well, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of those unpleasant people are going to be at the recital next week.


"The Simpsons: Gorgeous Grampa (#24.14)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Why are you reading on such a beautiful day when there's TV to watch.
Lisa Simpson: Well, it is the golden age of well-written, well-acted television.
Homer Simpson: Pfft! Writing is for bathroom walls and acting is for getting out of speeding tickets. Television was created to watch white trash men do made-up jobs.

Lisa Simpson: How come boys always idolize the bad boys?
Bart Simpson: How come you still like Nelson?
Lisa Simpson: What? I don't... He's... He's a rebel, but I can change him!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VIII (#9.4)" (1997)
[after seen three woman burn at the stake]
Marge Simpson: How horrible!
Lisa Simpson: If they're really witches, why don't they use their powers to escape!
Homer Simpson: That sounds like witch talk to me, Lisa.
Lisa Simpson: Never mind.

Bart Simpson: Lisa Simpson!
Lisa Simpson: Bart, quit it!
Bart Simpson: She put a spell on me!
[Bart pretend to be on a spell]
Bart Simpson: Must... drop... panaloons.


"The Simpsons: The Book Job (#23.6)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: You're group writing a fantasy novel? But the only reason to do that is for...
[gasp]
Lisa Simpson: Profit!
Homer Simpson: So what if people write for money? I don't see your boyfriend William Shakespeare missing many meals.
Lisa Simpson: I'll show you! I'll write my own novel all by myself.
Homer Simpson: You're gonna be all the guys? How does that work out?

Lisa Simpson: [Chases lady in dinosaur costume into dressing room] You're T.R Frances, you wrote the Angelica Button books. They're my favorite fantasy novel.
T.R Francis: [using fake British accent] Umm... yes it's me, the creator of your beloved magical world. Full of whimsy, and... ugh chapters, now off you go. Bye bye now.
Lisa Simpson: But why are you working at a dinosaur show, and why did you run away from me? And how did Angelica get a new wand, after Baron Morthdeath burn the wand wood forest, and...
T.R Francis: [Without the accent] Look, you seem like a smart kid, so here's the truth. T.R Frances isn't real.
Lisa Simpson: Of coarse, you're real. Everybody knows you got the idea for the series after the explosion of a crumpet factory knocked you off a double decker bus. How could that be made up?
T.R Francis: I'm just an actress they use for their jacket photo, that INSPIRATIONAL life story, is PURE FICTION. Oh I hate to break it to ya, but all the books you kids love are conceded in executive board rooms. The plots are based on market research, and the pages are turned out by a room full of pill-popping Lit majors, desperate for work. Publishers rake in the cash, and unsuspecting kids get 10 books a year from their favorite author.
Lisa Simpson: [Gasp] Everything I believed about young adult literature is a lie.
[Runs away crying]


"The Simpsons: The Bart of War (#14.21)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: [reading the Pre teen braves brochure] Hey these freaks do a lot of cool stuff, cookouts, bowling
Lisa Simpson: Maybe you should lead Bart's tribe?
Homer Simpson: You mean like some sort of madman?
Lisa Simpson: Ideally no
Homer Simpson: I'll do it!

Lisa Simpson: I don't think Dad is properly portraying the Native American lifestyle
Marge Simpson: Yeah Indians don't sit around watching TV and drinking beer.


"The Simpsons: Pulpit Friction (#24.18)" (2013)
Ned Flanders: At least the bedbugs have forced us back into church.
Lisa Simpson: In the Middle Ages, people gathered into churches to avoid the bubonic plague, but that just made the plague spread even faster.
Ned Flanders: Church!

Lisa Simpson: Mom, I found your wedding dress!
Marge Simpson: But how?
Lisa Simpson: By using something this town has never seen: honest police work.


"The Simpsons: Simpsons Christmas Stories (#17.9)" (2005)
Homer Simpson: [as Joseph] A pregnant virgin? That's every man's worst nightmare!
Lisa Simpson: [as the herald angel] Fear not, Mary. You are full of grace.
Homer Simpson: That's not all she's full of.
Lisa Simpson: Quiet, you.

Grampa: [During World War II] I was flying Navy planes in the South Pacific with my older brother, Cyrus.
Lisa Simpson: Your brother? You've never mentioned him before.
Grampa: And I never will again!


"The Simpsons: And Maggie Makes Three (#6.13)" (1995)
[Homer is trying to think of a way to increase business at the bowling alley]
Homer: Of course!
[Cut to outside the bowling alley, Homer is firing a shotgun into the air while people around him run away, screaming]
Homer: Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!
Lisa Simpson: [in the present] Mom, make Dad tell the story right!
Marge Simpson: That's what really happened.
Lisa Simpson: Oh.

Michael: Faster, Knight Boat! We've gotta catch those starfish poachers!
Knight Boat: You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you.
[the poachers leap off their jetskis and onto motorcycles]
Michael: We'll never catch them now!
Knight Boat: Incorrect. Look: a canal.
Homer: Go, Knight Boat, go!
Bart: [groans] Oh, every week there's a canal.
Lisa Simpson: Or an inlet.
Bart: Or a fjord.
Homer: Quiet! I will not hear another word against the Boat.


"The Simpsons: Kamp Krusty (#4.1)" (1992)
Lisa: [writing a letter] "Dear Mom, I no longer fear Hell, because I've been to Kamp Krusty. Our nature hikes have become grim death marches. Our arts and crafts hut is, in truth, a Dickensian workhouse. Bart makes it through the day clinging to his hope that Krusty the Klown will come. But I am far more pessimistic. I am not even sure if this letter will reach you, as the normal lines of communication have been cut. So I close by saying, SAVE US! SAVE US NOW! Bart and Lisa."

Lisa: I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.
Bart: We're all gonna die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.


"The Simpsons: Diatribe of a Mad Housewife (#15.10)" (2004)
Bart Simpson: Dad, you've been driving in circles for 20 minutes.
Lisa Simpson: Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is?
Homer Simpson: Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere?

[Marge has written a book based on her and Homer]
Lisa: Dad will be upset when he reads that book.
Bart: He'll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make a movie out of it?
Bart: He'll never see it.
Lisa: What if they make a parody of it on Mad TV?
Bart: We're doomed!


"The Simpsons: Tennis the Menace (#12.12)" (2001)
Homer: What are you kids doing?
Lisa, Bart: Practicing tennis
Homer: That's tennis? Then what's that sport where the chicks whale on each other?
Bart: Foxy Boxing?
Homer: [disappointedly] Yes. That's what I wanted. Oh.
[Homer cries]

Lisa: Dad, I think you're overreacting.
Homer: I think you're UNDERreacting.
Lisa: This session's over.
Homer: This session's UNDER.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: BADbye.


"The Simpsons: Last Exit to Springfield (#4.17)" (1993)
Lisa: This is your chance to get a fair shake for the working man.
Homer: And make life-long connections to the world of organized crime. Mmm... organized crime.

Lisa: [singing] So we'll march day and night by the big cooling tower. They have the plant, but we have the power.


"The Simpsons: How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window? (#22.7)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: Looks like you're going to have to take care of it, Bart.
Bart Simpson: Me? What in my long, sad history with frogs makes you think I can take care of a bird?

Bart Simpson: Why are we taking it with us? And this time I don't mean Lisa.
Lisa Simpson: I'ts amazing how I can pity you and hate you at the same time. I bet there's a German word for it.


"The Simpsons: Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes? (#3.24)" (1992)
[At the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence awards show]
Lisa: This award is the biggest farce I've ever seen.
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.

Herb: Lisa, aren't you happy to see me?
Lisa: Why didn't you write, Unky Herb?
Herb: Hey, if I wrote to you, what was I supposed to say? "Dear Lisa, last night I used a rat for a pillow, thanks to your pop?"
Lisa: I see your point.


"The Simpsons: Barting Over (#14.11)" (2003)
Marge Simpson: I can't count how many times your father's done something crazy like this.
Lisa Simpson: It's 300, Mom.
Marge Simpson: I could have sworn it was 302.
Lisa Simpson: Shhh!

Marge: I can't even think of how many times your father has done something crazy.
Lisa: WAIT A MINUTE.
[pulls out a timekeeper]
Lisa: Yup, 300 times.


"The Simpsons: Wild Barts Can't Be Broken (#10.11)" (1999)
Lisa Simpson: And guess who's been practicing medicine without a license?
[Dr. Hibbert nervously pulls at his sweater neck]
Lisa Simpson: That's right. Homer Simpson.
Homer Simpson: [far off] D'oh!

[the kids of Springfield are broadcasting adults' secrets, in order to embarrass them]
Lisa: And, by the way, there is somebody in Springfield who's been practicing medicine without a license.
[Dr. Hibbert gulps]
Lisa: That's right. Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh!


"The Simpsons: Homerpalooza (#7.24)" (1996)
[At a Cypress Hill Concert]
Bart: What's that smell?
Lisa: It smells like Otto's jacket.

Bart: [sniffing] What is that smell?
Lisa: It smells like Otto's jacket...


"The Simpsons: In the Name of the Grandfather (#20.14)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: A house and garden show?
[Bart, Lisa and Homer groan]
Bart Simpson: You told me we were going to a video game expo!
Lisa Simpson: You told me we were going to clean trash on the freeway!
Homer Simpson: You told me something but I wasn't listening!

Lisa Simpson: Ireland is the leader in communication technologies in all of Europe.
Bart Simpson: Take that, Belgium!
Marge Simpson: Bart, if you hate Belgium so much, I'll take away your Tin Tins.
Bart Simpson: No, I'll be good!


"The Simpsons: Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy (#6.10)" (1994)
Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.
Homer: Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
[leaves]
Bart: I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking".
Lisa: That's what I assumed.

Lisa: Bart, this is could be priceless.
Bart: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind?


"The Simpsons: Politically Inept, with Homer Simpson (#23.10)" (2012)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, how could you choose Ted Nugent for president? He's a right-wing rocker who likes everything I hate!
Bart Simpson: Could there be anyone more awesomer?
Ted Nugent: Who wants elk?
[Throws a dead elk on the table; Lisa screams and runs away]
Marge Simpson: My daughter is a vegetarian.
Ted Nugent: That's okay. She can nibble on one of the antlers. Antlers ain't meat.

Homer Simpson: My fellow Americans, I am full of crap.
Lisa Simpson: I knew you were, dad. I always knew.


"The Simpsons: Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes (#20.1)" (2008)
Lisa Simpson: Woo-hoo! St. Patrick's Day! I love how they made the river green!
Mr. Burns: Actually, my nuclear plant did that. And now that you know, your life is in danger...
[walks off humming]

Lisa Simpson: [On the conflict between Irish Catholics and English Protestants] It always comes down to transubstantiation versus consubstantiation.


"The Simpsons: The Lastest Gun in the West (#13.12)" (2002)
Apu: [singing] Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above
Bart, Lisa, Ralph: [singing] Don't fence me in.
Apu: [singing] Sir you cannot pee unless you are an employee.
Homer Simpson: [singing] Can't keep it in.
[Homer kicks in the bathroom door and uses the facilities]

Lisa: I'm Annie Oakley!
Nelson Muntz: I'm Kevin Costner in one of his western roles!
Ralph: I'm a gulch!


"The Simpsons: O Brother, Where Bart Thou? (#21.8)" (2009)
Lisa Simpson: Next, making his runway debut, Bartholomew. The vest is courtesy of Nelson, and the tights are Hello Kitty.
Bart Simpson: Hello Kitty? I thought they were Spider-Man heads! Ew, ew, ew!

Bart Simpson: Oh, my God, I do want a brother.
Lisa Simpson: You can have mine, but he's kinda lame.
Bart Simpson: D'oh!


"The Simpsons: HOMR (#12.9)" (2001)
Homer: Family meeting. Family meeting.
[the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats]
Homer: Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.
[all laugh]
Homer: All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
Lisa: Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it.
Marge: Well, maybe if you'd eat some meat you'd have a natural lubricant.
[gasps and turns to Homer]
Marge: You lost all our money?
Homer: Point of order - I didn't lose ALL the money. There was enough left for this cowbell.
[rings it softly and the bell breaks apart in his hands]
Homer: Damn you, eBay!

Homer: Lisa, why didn't you warn me? Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends.
Lisa: Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact I made a graph...
[wistfully]
Lisa: I make a lot of graphs...


"The Simpsons: Selma's Choice (#4.13)" (1993)
Lisa: I am the lizard queen!

Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer: Boy, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
[Marge whispers something in his ear]
Homer: I knew that.


"The Simpsons: Mypods and Boomsticks (#20.7)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: Remember our deal: we each get to return one Christmas gift with no hurt feelings. I'm returning this kitten calendar.
[Calendar has "from Bart" sticker on it]
Lisa Simpson: Um, I'm also returning the kitten calendar.
Homer Simpson: Kitten calendar.
[Maggie holds up calendar]
Bart Simpson: But those are fifteen month calendars. That means three extra kittens.
[He takes all the calendars]
Bart Simpson: Fine. That's the last time I shop for all of you at the last minute.

Lisa Simpson: I got a gift from Mapple! Such beautiful packaging. I never thought a company would be my soulmate.


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets an Elephant (#5.17)" (1994)
Homer Simpson: [after hitting a deer statue] D'oh!
Lisa Simpson: A deer!
Marge Simpson: A female deer!

[after Homer runs over a deer]
Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.


"The Simpsons: Homer Simpson in: 'Kidney Trouble' (#10.8)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa Simpson: Because they discovered gold right over there.
Homer Simpson: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there.
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.


"The Simpsons: Lost Our Lisa (#9.24)" (1998)
Lisa Simpson: [Homer is stuck in the top of a cherry picker heading fast downstream in a river towards a drawbridge] Quick, put the bridge down!
drawbridge Guy: Okay, you're the boss.
Lisa Simpson: [the bridge goes down as Homer disappears beneath it] Dad, grab on!
drawbridge Guy: [the cherry picker reappears on the other side of the bridge without Homer, who is then seen flailing his arms and legs with his head stuck in the crevice of the bridge] You said you wanted me to crush him right?
Lisa Simpson: No!

Lisa Simpson: Are you sure you don't want to go to a doctor? I mean, a drawbridge did close on your head.
Homer: No, I'll just walk it off.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXI (#22.4)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: You're a vampire! I should be afraid, but I'm not.
Edmund: Come, Lisa. Let us go over the trees the way a bat does, by jumping.

Lisa Simpson: My boyfriend will be here. Remember not to be yourselves.
Homer Simpson: I know, I know. Don't serve anything with garlic, don't try to stab him in the heart with a stake, don't ask him if he knows Frankenstein, it's racist somehow.


"The Simpsons: Lard of the Dance (#10.1)" (1998)
Alex Whitney: Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name!
Lisa Simpson: Did she just tell me to shut up?
Principal Skinner: Take it outside.

Principal Skinner: Oh, Lisa, I was hoping I could count on you again to spearhead our annual school-wide apple pick.
Lisa Simpson: Absolutely.
Alex Whitney: Apple... pick?
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, it's great! We have pony rides, sing-a-longs, apple bobbing, apple picking, apple everything!
Principal Skinner: Ah, you forgot apple bobbing.
Lisa Simpson: No, I didn't!


"The Simpsons: Bart Carny (#9.12)" (1998)
Lisa: Oh, one of them is playing my saxaphone.
[Yelling]
Lisa: Release the spit valve! Release the spit valve!
Marge: [Yelling] Over the Sink! Over the Sink

Marge: How are we going to get those hicks out of our house?
Bart: We could start a fire and smoke 'em out.
Marge: No fires.
Lisa: [pauses for a moment] Well, we could start a fire...
Marge: No fires.
Homer: [enthusiastically] I got it...
Marge: No fires!


"The Simpsons: Monty Can't Buy Me Love (#10.21)" (1999)
Marge Simpson: When was the last time we went for a good old-fashioned family walk?
Homer Simpson: Well, we stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry.
Marge Simpson: Oh, come on. Let's go for a walk. This family is getting so lazy.
Bart Simpson: I'm not lazy. I'm just... um, uh. Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Lisa Simpson: Why don't you finish your own darn...
[snores]

Marge: And our kids are getting lazy.
Bart: I'm not lazy, I'm... hey, Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Lisa: Why don't you finish your own darn...
[falls asleep, falls off couch]


"The Simpsons: Hurricane Neddy (#8.8)" (1996)
Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.

Marge Simpson: Ned! We meant well, and everyone here tried their best...
Ned Flanders: Well, my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family's out of control, but we can't blame you, because you have 'GOOD INTENTIONS!'
Bart Simpson: Hey, back off, man!
Ned Flanders: Oooh, okay DUDE. Don't want you to have a cow, MAN. Here's a catchphrase you'd better learn for your adult years: "Hey buddy, got a QUARTER?"
Bart Simpson: I am shocked and appalled.
Lisa: Mr. Flanders, with all due respect, Bart didn't do anything.
Ned Flanders: Is that the sound of butting in? It's gotta be little Lisa Simpson: Springfield's answer to the question no one asked!
Chief Wiggum: Ha, haha.
Ned Flanders: Oh, what do we have here? The long, flabby arm of the law? The last case you got to the bottom of, was a case of mallomars!
Krusty: Ha, mallomars, oh, that's going in the act.
Ned Flanders: Oh yeah, the clown. The only one of you buffoons who doesn't make me laugh. And as for you, I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a jerk!
Lenny: Hey, I've only been here for a few minutes, what's going on?
Ned Flanders: You ugly, hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey, hey! I may ugly and hate-filled, but I... uh... what was the third thing you said?
Ned Flanders: Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met.
Homer: Hey, I got off pretty easy!


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Alien: I bring you love.
Lenny: It's bringing love, don't let it get away!
Carl: Break its legs.
[everyone starts to advance on the alien]
Lisa: Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien.
[Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns in a twisted and disoriented state]
Mr. Burns: [in a high-toned voice] Hello, children. I bring you love.
Willy: Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it!
Smithers: It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns!
Willy: Aww, it's Mr. Burns! KILL IT! KILL IT!

Lisa: All right! It's time for ABC's "TGIF" line-up!
Bart Simpson: Lise, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday is just another day between NBC's "Must See Thursday" and CBS' "Saturday night craporama".


"The Simpsons: Lisa Gets an 'A' (#10.7)" (1998)
Principal Skinner: I've just received some rather unusual news regarding your unprecedented A-triple-plus. To be honest, I'm surprised and saddened. Eh, no, not saddened. What's the word? Ah, yes, delighted!
Lisa Simpson: What?
Principal Skinner: I'm delighted to report that your grade brought the entire school's GPA up to our state's minimum standard. We now qualify for a basic assistance grant. It's the greatest honor the school has ever received, and it's all thanks to you. Your devotion to scholarship is a shining beacon to all who...
Lisa Simpson: Stop it! I cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Chated! Cheated!
Principal Skinner: Lisa, what are you trying to say?
Lisa Simpson: I cheated!

Marge Simpson: Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. You got the highest grade in the class!
Lisa Simpson: But, Mom...
Marge Simpson: The highest grade!


"The Simpsons: My Mother the Carjacker (#15.2)" (2003)
Gil: Now Lisa, would you agree that your grandmother is a sweet, harmless woman who could hardly be considered a menace to society?
Lisa Simpson: If you ask me, she's less dangerous than Bart.
Bart Simpson: If it please the court, I would like to go ape on my sister.

Lisa Simpson: I say we hit them where they live. With a candlelight vigil.
Homer Simpson: Candlepin bowling? That's a great idea. We'll play right after I break your grandmother out of prison.


"The Simpsons: The Kid Is All Right (#25.6)" (2013)
Isabel Gutiérrez: In case you haven't guessed, Lisa, I'm a Republican.
Lisa Simpson: A Lincoln Republican?
Isabel Gutiérrez: Not even close.
Lisa Simpson: Reagan Republican?
Isabel Gutiérrez: Keep trying.
Lisa Simpson: First President Bush?
Isabel Gutiérrez: Almost there.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, my God.

Principal Skinner: It's quite a sight watching Lisa Simpson being knocked out of her high horse.
Lisa Simpson: This isn't over.
Principal Skinner: And back on the saddle she goes.


"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
Mayor Quimby: Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.
Homer: Get to the money!
Mayor Quimby: In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
Apu: Get to the money!
Rev. Lovejoy: Get to the money!
Grampa Simpson: Get to the moneeey!
Mayor Quimby: Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2million.
Lisa Simpson: Don't you mean $3million?
Mayor Quimby: Of course. How silly of me.

[about the $3 million fined from Mr. Burns]
Lisa Simpson: Oh, what a boon it could be for our underfunded public schools.
[in Lisa's fantasy]
Miss Hoover: Children, it's time for your history lesson. Put on your virtual reality helmets.
[the children do]
Genghis Khan: Hmm, excellent... hello, Lisa! I'm Genghis Khan! You'll go where I go, defile what I defile, eat who I eat!


"The Simpsons: The Front (#4.19)" (1993)
Bart Simpson: Grampa, we need to know your first name.
Grampa: [gasps] You're making my tombstone?
Lisa Simpson: No, no, we're just curious.
Grampa: All right, let's see. First name, first name... well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear.
[pulls them out]
Grampa: It holds the answer to all the important questions.
[reads]
Grampa: "Call me... Abraham Simpson."
Lisa Simpson: Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?
Grampa: ...I don't know.

Lisa Simpson: It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.
[Homer walks in, with a plunger stuck on his head]
Homer: Marge, it happened again!
[he wrenches at it, but only pulls off the handle]
Bart Simpson: What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up?
Lisa Simpson: Lois Sanborn.
Bart Simpson: [points to himself] Steve Bennett.


"The Simpsons: E Pluribus Wiggum (#19.10)" (2008)
Lisa Simpson: Ralph can't be president. He's the dumbest person on the dumbest percentile group.
Homer Simpson: A president doesn't have to be smart. All he has to do is point the army and shoot.
Lisa Simpson: But he's eight, and the Constitution says you have to be thirty-five to be president.
Bart Simpson: Lis, I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed the Constitution to protect our rights.


"The Simpsons: Brick Like Me (#25.20)" (2014)
Bart Simpson: Is it just me, or does something seem weird today?
Marge Simpson: You're right. Something is very different about the Simpsons today. Your father is wearing a tie.
Bart Simpson: Oh, that's what's different!
Lisa Simpson: That's the one and only thing.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVI (#17.4)" (2005)
[Lisa wakes Homer up after he has a nightmare inspired by A.I. Artificial Intelligence]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, wake up! You're not a robot! You're just possessed by the devil.
Priest: The power of Christ compels thee!
[the Priest splashes holy water on Homer, causing him to growl, flip his head around, and crawl up the walls]
Marge Simpson: [sighs] I'll call work and tell them you can't make it.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
[collapses onto the bed, head still backwards]
Homer Simpson: Heh heh heh, suckers.


"The Simpsons: Yellow Subterfuge (#25.7)" (2013)
Lisa Simpson: Why don't you do what Everybody Loves Raymond did?
Krusty the Clown: Quit while I'm still successful? That horse has left the stall, been made into glue, and used to make art projects.


"The Simpsons: Mom and Pop Art (#10.19)" (1999)
Homer: Astrid said the key to my art is anger, but you know me, I'm Mr. Mellow...
[Bart and Lisa look at each other]
Homer: ...so I'm giving you kids permission to get me mad. Come on, give me what you've got.
Lisa Simpson: Well, if it'll help... um, mom found out her engagement ring is made of rock candy.
Homer: [hits clay mold] Good work honey, keep it comin.'
Bart Simpson: Well I'm flunking math, and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.
[Homer screams hysterically]


"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
Lisa Simpson: [from another room] Mom, can you bring me more O.J.?
Bart Simpson: [from another room] Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphines?
Marge: There's no such thing.
Homer: [from another room] Marge, the boy's wasting valuable time. Come change the channel and pat my head.
Marge: In a minute!
Homer: But I'll miss Sheriff Lobo!
Grampa: And get me a bottle of bourbon.
Marge: Grampa, you know you can't have liquids after 3pm.
Grampa: You can stir it into my mush. Either way, just gimme, gimme, gimme!


"The Simpsons: Dumbbell Indemnity (#9.16)" (1998)
[Homer is sitting at the dinner table in all black with a balaclava on his head]
Marge: Why all the black?
Homer: Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything?
Lisa: You look a little nervous, Dad.
Homer: No, *you* look a little nervous, Lisa.
Bart: You're up to something, aren't you, Dad?
Homer: NO. I'm just going out now to commit certain deeds.


"The Simpsons: My Big Fat Geek Wedding (#15.17)" (2004)
Lisa Simpson: Grandpa, how do you sleep at night?
Grandpa: They drug us.


"The Simpsons: I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot (#15.9)" (2004)
Lisa Simpson: I think it's only fair that I get to name this cat. You got to name me.
Marge Simpson: You should be glad I did. Your father wanted to call you Bartzina.


"The Simpsons: The Telltale Head (#1.8)" (1990)
Bart: It's just a statue.
Marge Simpson: It's the statue of the trailblazing founder of our town!
Lisa Simpson: It's a symbol of what we can all do if we put our minds to it!
Homer Simpson: Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?


"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)
Bart Simpson: It's weird, Lise. I miss having Skinner as a friend, but I miss him even more as an enemy.
Lisa Simpson: I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty, Mountain Dew has its Mellow Yellow, even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.


"The Simpsons: The Day the Violence Died (#7.18)" (1996)
Krusty: Well, Itchy & Scratchy are gone. But here's a cartoon that tried to make learning fun! Sorry about this, kids. But stay tuned! We've got some real good toy commercials coming right up, I swear.
Kid: Hey, who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress?
The Amendment: I'm not garbage.
[singing]
The Amendment: I'm an Amendment to be, yes an Amendment to be, and I'm hoping that they'll ratify me. There's a lot of flag burners who have got too much freedom. I wanna make it legal for policeman to beat'em, cause there's limits to our liberty, least I hope and prey that there are, 'cause those liberal freaks go too far!
Kid: Why can't we just make a law against flag burning?
The Amendment: Because that law would be unconstitutional. But if we change the Constitution...
Kid: Then we can make all sorts of crazy laws!
The Amendment: Now you're catching on!
Bart Simpson: What the hell is this?
Lisa Simpson: It's one of those campy 70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X-ers.
Bart Simpson: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.
Kid: What if people say you're not good enough to be in the Constitution?
The Amendment: Then I'll crush all opposition to me, and I'll make Ted Kennedy pay, if he fights back, I'll say that he's gay!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)
[after Willie gets turned into a bagpipe spider and grabs Bart]
Bart Simpson: Help, Lisa! Help!
Lisa Simpson: [as she approaches Bart] Bart, you're in trouble! Wake up!
Bart Simpson: Wait a minute... if you're here, then you've fallen asleep too!
Lisa Simpson: I'm not asleep, I'm justing resting my eye...
Lisa Simpson: [Willie grabs Lisa] ... uh-oh! Goodbye, Bart.
Bart Simpson: Goodbye, Lis. Hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for fifteen minutes!


"The Simpsons: Beware My Cheating Bart (#23.18)" (2012)
Shauna: That's my boyfriend. He's a total wad. Bart is not a wad. He's a dink in the way to becoming a dork.
Lisa Simpson: Hear, hear.


"The Simpsons: Children of a Lesser Clod (#12.20)" (2001)
Lisa: So many times we've watched our father go under the knife.
Marge: One more and I get a free hysterectomy!


"The Simpsons: Adventures in Baby-Getting (#24.3)" (2012)
Lisa Simpson: What are you doing in my room?
Bart Simpson: Just came to check on your shades. Wouldn't want your carpet to fade.
[Leaves, then comes back to look at Lisa suspiciously; leaves again, then returns]
Bart Simpson: What are you doing Tuesdays and Thrusdays after school?
Lisa Simpson: What are *you* doing Tuesdays and Thrusdays after school?
Bart Simpson: Mostly writing on the chalkboard. I'm open to suggestions. Seriously, I'm starting to run out of ideas. Now what are you up to?
Lisa Simpson: A lady never tells, a gentleman never asks.
Bart Simpson: That's good. Can I use it for the chalkboard?
Lisa Simpson: Sure.
Bart Simpson: [Speaking into recorder] A lady never tells, a gentleman never asks. Now I need something for Martin Luther King Day.


"The Simpsons: 'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky (#14.16)" (2003)
Lisa: Dad, this lack of sleep is making mom and Maggie crazy!
Homer: Don't you think you're overreacting, talking gumball machine?


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III (#4.5)" (1992)
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Lisa, Bart: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.


"The Simpsons: Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind (#19.9)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss.
Homer Simpson: Really? Who was it with?
Bart Simpson: Uh... Apu.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah.


"The Simpsons: The Dad Who Knew Too Little (#14.8)" (2003)
Lisa Simpson: [At a protest against animal testing of consumer products] Look at the way they're slathering cosmetics on those helpless pigs!
Homer Simpson: So sad... yet so sexy... yet so delicious.


"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
Lisa Simpson: Mom, someone threw gum in my hair!
Marge Simpson: Are you sure? Maybe it's just shampoo. That washes right out.


"The Simpsons: Homer Goes to Prep School (#24.9)" (2013)
Lisa Simpson: Why is it whenever you wake us up early it means either church or getting new identities?
Homer Simpson: Don't be silly, Mary-Ellen.


"The Simpsons: C. E. D'oh (#14.15)" (2003)
Homer: Well, kids, it's Valentine's Day. You know what that means?
Bart: We get to watch TV with the sound turned way up.
Lisa: What are you and mom going to be doing?
Homer: Oh, we're going to be upstairs, making love... ly rope ladders in case of a fire.


"The Simpsons: Radio Bart (#3.13)" (1992)
Homer: Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero.
Lisa: How so dad?
Homer: Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out.
Lisa: How does that make him a hero?
Homer: Well it's more then you've done.


"The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (#18.18)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: Bart, Fluffy died. Dad buried him in the backyard, but not in that order.


"The Simpsons: Secrets of a Successful Marriage (#5.22)" (1994)
[Homer becomes a teacher]
Lisa: So, dad, will you be teaching from a standardized text or using the more Socratic method?
[Homer stares at her, confused]
Homer: Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.


"The Simpsons: The Ten-Per-Cent Solution (#23.8)" (2011)
Marge Simpson: What was your favorite thing at the museum?
Lisa Simpson: I liked the knowledgeable docents.
Bart Simpson: I liked the early closing time.


"The Simpsons: Some Enchanted Evening (#1.13)" (1990)
Ms. Botz: Your parents left me this for you to watch.
[holds up The Happy Little Elves]
Lisa Simpson: Oh, boy! The Happy Little Elves!
Bart Simpson: Look, lady. We've seen the Crappy Little Elves a million times. Can't we watch something else?
Ms. Botz: Look, kid. You're going to do what I say or I'm going to do something to you. And I don't know what that is because everyone has always done what I say!


"The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (#2.11)" (1991)
[Marge suggests they go out for sushi]
Bart: Sushi? Maybe this is just something one hears on the playground, but isn't that raw fish?
Lisa: As usual, the playground has the facts right, but misses the point entirely.


"The Simpsons: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge (#11.21)" (2000)
Lisa: Poor little Maggie... How many mental competency hearings have you been to, in your short life?


"The Simpsons: The Italian Bob (#17.8)" (2005)
Homer Simpson: [Krusty is helping the Simpsons hide from Sideshow Bob as extras in the opere] Can I be the Phantom of the Opera?
Lisa Simpson: Dad, the Phantom isn't in this.
Homer Simpson: But I do such a great impression of him!
[he turns around, then turns back to Lisa with his hand covering one of his eyes]
Homer Simpson: Ooh, I am the gayest supervillian ever! Beware my scented candles! Ooh, scented!


"The Simpsons: What Animated Women Want (#24.17)" (2013)
Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, did you see Marlon Brando in Mutiny in the Bounty?
Lisa Simpson: No, nobody did.
Milhouse Van Houten: Then this is all me!


"The Simpsons: The Scorpion's Tale (#22.15)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: These flowers have saved me from a terrible fate: not getting an A on my science project.


"The Simpsons: The President Wore Pearls (#15.3)" (2003)
Lisa: The student strike will continue until you restore music and art.
Principal Skinner: What about gym?
Lisa: [dismissive] Eh.


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Iconoclast (#7.16)" (1996)
[George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling]
Lisa: I want to help you, George Washington.
Bart: [walking by her room] "I want to help you... George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square.


"The Simpsons: Catch 'Em If You Can (#15.18)" (2004)
[Bart changes channels at the very end of Love Story]
Bart Simpson: Lisa made me do it! She used a witch's spell!
Lisa Simpson: It's called Wicca and it's empowering!
Bart Simpson: Wicca's just a Hollywood fad!
Lisa Simpson: You're thinking of Kabbalah, you jerk!


"The Simpsons: The Old Man and the Lisa (#8.21)" (1997)
[Lisa and Mr. Burns are collecting cans at the beach]
Mr. Burns: You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage?
Lisa: Not good money, really. Each can'll get you a nickel.
Mr. Burns: Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel... with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds.
Lisa: [unimpressed] There's a can.


"The Simpsons: Bye Bye Nerdie (#12.16)" (2001)
Lisa: Wow, there's a lot about bullying I didn't know.
Nelson: Yes, there's a lot of history there. Did you know it predates agriculture?


"The Simpsons: They Saved Lisa's Brain (#10.22)" (1999)
Lisa: My family never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd.
Comic Book Guy: We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?
[open his jacket to show off his shirt]
Lisa: [reading the shirt] "C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN".
[laughs]
Lisa: Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.
Professor Frink: Yes, we call that the "Dennis Miller Ratio."


"The Simpsons: Whiskey Business (#24.19)" (2013)
Moe Szyslak: Without my magic suit, I'm nothin'.
Marge Simpson: Moe, have you ever heard the story of Dumbo the elephant?
Moe Szyslak: I didn't go to the movies much as a child. I worked at a pierogi factory. Stick in the potato, fold in the dough, that was my Star Wars.
Marge Simpson: Dumbo had a magic feather that made him fly, but then he found out that the feather wasn't magic. The magic was inside him all along.
Lisa Simpson: Let me get this straight: Moe is Dumbo, the whiskey is Dumbo's ears, and we're that bunch of racist crows?
Homer Simpson: Honey, the crows weren't racist. The people who drew them were.


"The Simpsons: The Devil Wears Nada (#21.5)" (2009)
Marge Simpson: Where are you kids going? I told you we were having dinner with the Flanderses.
Lisa Simpson: Sorry, mom, but I'm going to a slumber party at Janie's.
Bart Simpson: And I'm going to a stink bomb party at the house next to Janie's. No realtion.


"The Simpsons: Boy Scoutz 'n the Hood (#5.8)" (1993)
Bart: Ooohh, my head.
Lisa: The remorse of the sugar junkie.


"The Simpsons: Bart's Dog Gets an F (#2.16)" (1991)
[Lisa, home with the mumps, watches a soap opera with Marge]
Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?
Actor Marge: Mmmmm, I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma, and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boathouse.


"The Simpsons: How I Spent My Strummer Vacation (#14.2)" (2002)
Taxi Driver: [on TV show "Taxicab Conversations"] Where to, pal?
Homer: [drunk] Talky thing, ain't ya?
Lisa: [watching show] Another proud moment for the Simpson family.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XI (#12.1)" (2000)
[the witch beats Lisa with a broom handle]
Witch: Stop your chattering and sweep! This house is filthy!
Lisa Simpson: So what do you care? It's not like you have friends.
Witch: I have a boyfriend!
Bart, Lisa Simpson: [laughing together] Yeah right/sure.
Witch: What? I do!
Lisa Simpson: Oh yeah? What's his name?
Witch: Uh... George!
[looks at her boiling cauldron]
Witch: Cauldron!
Lisa Simpson: George Cauldron? Maybe he can fix me up with Ed Ladle!


"The Simpsons: The Trouble with Trillions (#9.20)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Does this make me look fat?
Lisa Simpson: No, it makes you look like a tool of government oppression.
Homer Simpson: But not fat?


"The Simpsons: Goo Goo Gai Pan (#16.12)" (2005)
Madam Wu: Lisa, soon you will have a Chinese baby sister who will surpass you academically.
Lisa Simpson: I don't know about that. I'm considered pretty smart.
Madam Wu: Well, Tibet was considered pretty independent. How'd that work out?


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror (#2.3)" (1990)
Lisa Simpson: [about the basement of the house] Mom, dad, look! It's an ancient Indian burial ground.
Bart: Man, this place's got everything!


"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Busted (#1.12)" (1990)
Bart: I know Krusty's innocent, and I think I can prove it. But I need your help.
Lisa: You do? Why?
Bart: Oh, come on, you know why.
Lisa: No, why?
Bart: I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but... you're smarter than me.


"The Simpsons: Ice Cream of Margie: With the Light Blue Hair (#18.7)" (2006)
Lisa Simpson: Comic Book Guy, have you seen our mom?
Comic Book Guy: Ohh, a complete list of things I have seen or not seen is available on my blog. Your mother is on the not seen list, along with a Star Wars film that was only good since the first one. And even that has been ruined by CGI additions... Bravo George...
[claps]


"The Simpsons: Skinner's Sense of Snow (#12.8)" (2000)
Nelson: [hears a noise] What was that?
Lisa Simpson: That sounded like a silo tipping over!


"The Simpsons: Homer Badman (#6.9)" (1994)
Homer Simpson: Lisa, do I have my pants on?
Lisa Simpson: Yes.
Homer Simpson: Perfect.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIV (#25.2)" (2013)
Lisa Simpson: I thought I was just donating blood.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Oh, you are, along with lymph, spinal fluid and all the trimmings.


"The Simpsons: That 90's Show (#19.11)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: Mom, why did you stop talking for two and a half minutes?
Lisa Simpson: It felt like twenty.


The Simpsons' Christmas Message (2004) (TV)
Lisa Simpson: [Holding up a sign] Free Cornwall now!


"The Simpsons: Dog of Death (#3.19)" (1992)
[Santa's Little Helper is missing - Lisa wants to make a poster]
Lisa: Don't we have any pictures of Santa's Little Helper?
Marge: None that I would want the public to see.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Father (#22.12)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: Maybe if you studied harder and got better grades, Dad would give you the money for that bike.
Bart Simpson: Does dad give you money for good grades?
Lisa Simpson: I've been doing the family's checkbooks for years. I take what I need.


"The Simpsons: Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Three Times (#18.11)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: Papa, may we have petit four?
Bart Simpson: Papa, may we have pain au chocolat?
Homer Simpson: "May we"? "May we"? Mais oui!


"The Simpsons: When You Dish Upon a Star (#10.5)" (1998)
Lisa Simpson: You promised to take us to the lake.
Homer Simpson: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!
Lisa Simpson: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer Simpson: No, that would make me a great father.


"The Simpsons: The Mansion Family (#11.12)" (2000)
Homer Simpson: Oh why won't anyone give me an award?
Lisa Simpson: You won a Grammy.
Homer Simpson: I mean an award that's worth something.
[announcement on the bottom of the screen- Legal Disclaimer: Mr. Simpson's opinions do not reflect those of the producers, who don't consider the Grammy an award at all]


"The Simpsons: The Principal and the Pauper (#9.2)" (1997)
[Bart is preparing a batch of appetizers for Skinner's party]
Lisa: What's with the dog food?
Bart: My theory is - Skinner likes dog food.
[both leave, Homer walks in the room]
Homer: Ooh, a fresh batch of American balls.


"The Simpsons: The Girl Who Slept Too Little (#17.2)" (2005)
Lisa Simpson: If Scooby Doo has taught me anything, it's that there's nothing to be afraid of except crooked real estate developers.


"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Abie (#17.16)" (2006)
[Springfield wants to use the football stadium for bull fighting.]
Lisa Simpson: No! Bull-fighting is a cruel pseudo-sport!
Homer: Lisa's right! It *is* a cool super-sport!


"The Simpsons: Flaming Moe's (#3.10)" (1991)
[Playing "Truth or Dare" at Lisa's slumber party, one of the girls is dared to kiss Bart. She jumps him and does so]
Bart: [spluttering] I'm telling Mom and Dad!
Lisa Simpson: You're telling who?
Bart: Mom and Dad!
Girls: MOM AND DAD? JINX!
Janey Powell: [singsong] Now you can't talk, 'til somebody says your name!
[the girls giggle. Bart runs into the living room, where Homer is watching TV. Bart points emphatically at himself]
Homer Simpson: What is it, boy? Is anything the matter, my son? Talk to me, young man.
[In exasperation, Bart writes "SAY MY NAME" on a pad of paper and shows it to Homer]
Homer Simpson: Say your name? Why should I do that, my lad?
Bart: [exploding] Because I'm jinxed, damn it!
[Homer punches him in the arm]
Bart: Ow! What was that for?
Homer Simpson: You talked while you were jinxed, I get to punch you in the arm. It's not my fault, it's the rules.


"The Simpsons: The Good, the Sad and the Drugly (#20.17)" (2009)
Miss Hoover: And now Ralph Wiggum will read his essay, "Springfield in 50 Years".
Ralph Wiggum: [clears throat] In 50 years, the vacuum cleaner will be quiet and not scary.
[applause]
Miss Hoover: Next we have Lisa Simpson.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, Ralph, how I envy your optimism. There is no Springfield 50 years in the future! With global warning trapping CO2 in our poisonous atmosphere, our superheated oceans will rise, drowning our lowlands, leveling what's left of humanity baking in deserts that once fed the world!
[panting]
Lisa Simpson: And in the new Nineveh, darkness falls.


"The Simpsons: Bart's Girlfriend (#6.7)" (1994)
Lisa Simpson: Don't be so hard on yourself, Bart. It's not your fault Jessica doesn't like you.
Bart Simpson: Is it my hair? My overbite? The fact that I've worn the same clothes day in day out for the last four years?
Lisa Simpson: No, Bart. I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along. She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter and you're the devil's cabana boy.


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Patty and Selma (#6.17)" (1995)
Lisa: How's dad today?
Marge: Not too good, Lisa. Frankly, he's under the table.


"The Simpsons: The DeBarted (#19.13)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: I'll have you know I love this car as much as I love my children.
[drives off with Lisa in the loaner car]
Lisa Simpson: Uh, dad?
Homer Simpson: [drives back] Oops! Sorry, Maggie.


"The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie (#4.6)" (1992)
Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza.
Homer: Oh, no. I'm not making two stops.


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Connection (#6.23)" (1995)
Lisa Simpson: Mom, I know your intentions are good but aren't the police the protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?
Marge: [pauses] Look Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog!
[uses a hand puppet]
Marge: Hey, Lisa, help me bite crime, ruff, ruff!


"The Simpsons: Much Apu About Nothing (#7.23)" (1996)
Homer: What? This is the highest tax increase in history!
Lisa: Actually it's the lowest tax increase in history, dad.
Homer: I pay the Homer tax. Let the bears pay the bear tax.
Lisa: That's home owners tax, dad.
Homer: Either way, I'm still outraged.


"The Simpsons: Old Money (#2.17)" (1991)
Bart Simpson: I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
Lisa: No, I think he smells more like a photo lab.
Homer Simpson: Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.


"The Simpsons: She Used to Be My Girl (#16.4)" (2004)
Chloe Talbot: [bangs on car trunk] Lisa! What are you doing in there?
Lisa Simpson: Praying to Buddha... Jesus... SpongeBob - There's no time to be picky!
[Pan up to heaven, where Buddha, Jesus, and SpongeBob are watching]
Buddha: Perhaps we should help.
SpongeBob: Screw her!
[laughs maniacally]


"The Simpsons: The Day the Earth Stood Cool (#24.7)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: Where's your TV?
T-Rex: Tee-vee? We don't own a tee-vee.
Lisa Simpson: I didn't know that was an option!
Bart Simpson: I think we're done here. Lisa, go nuts.


"The Simpsons: Papa Don't Leech (#19.16)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: Lurleen, I'm sorry I called you all those names, like - oh, I don't even remember.
Homer Simpson: "Confederate degenerate"?
Lisa Simpson: "Southern-fried succubus"?
Bart Simpson: "Hee-Haw ho"?


"The Simpsons: Once Upon a Time in Springfield (#21.10)" (2010)
Milhouse van Houten: First girls ruin Sex and the City, now this.
Lisa Simpson: I know she's a bit cliché, but she has a certain... Unicorn!
[Runs closer to TV]
Bart Simpson: Oh, please. That is so fake. You can see the strap.
Lisa Simpson: Shush! Just give me this!


"The Simpsons: Burns, Baby Burns (#8.4)" (1996)
Lisa: Where's that music coming from?
Marge: And all the liquor?
Homer: It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense.


"The Simpsons: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire (#1.1)" (1989)
[Final lines]
All: [singing] Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer / Had a very shiny nose / And if you ever saw it / You might even say it glows...
Bart: Like a lightbulb!
Homer: Bart!
All: All of the other reindeer / Used to laugh and call him names...
Lisa Simpson: Like Schnozzola!
Homer: Lisa!
All: They never let poor Rudolph / Play in any reindeer games...
Bart: Like strip poker!
Homer: I'm warning you two...
Marge: Then one foggy Christmas eve / Santa came to call... Take it, Homey!
Homer: Uh, Rudolph get your nose over here / I'll let you guide my sleigh today!
All: How all the reindeer loved him / As they shouted out with glee / Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer / You'll go down in history!
Bart: Like Atilla the Hu...
[choking noises]
Homer: Why you little!


"The Simpsons: Any Given Sundance (#19.18)" (2008)
Lisa Simpson: I'm making a movie about a very special family.
Bart Simpson: Smithers and Burns?


"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
[Bart and Lisa are riding dolphins]
Bart Simpson: Mine has a cup holder.
Lisa Simpson: Bart, that a blowhole.
Bart Simpson: You're a blowhole!
[Bart puts cup on blowhole; dolphin starts to sink]
Bart Simpson: No, boy. Up! Up!


"The Simpsons: Rednecks and Broomsticks (#21.7)" (2009)
Lisa Simpson: [Lost in the woods] Why did I pick poetry class instead of Girl Scouts? Why did I pick poetry class instead of Girl Scouts?


"The Simpsons: Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish (#2.4)" (1990)
Marge Simpson: Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.
Homer Simpson: Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her.
Lisa Simpson: Ooh, a political discussion at the breakfast table! I feel like a Kennedy!


"The Simpsons: The Blue and the Gray (#22.13)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: I just have one question about hair: where does mine start? Head, head, head... hair? Where's the border?
Lisa Simpson: Oh, my God! Me too!
[Maggie feels her hair and looks worried]
Lisa Simpson: What are we?


"The Simpsons: The Wife Aquatic (#18.10)" (2007)
Captain McCallister: These seas used to be full of yum fish.
Lisa Simpson: Maybe you overfished them all.
Captain McCallister: Maybe they underspawned.
Lisa Simpson: Maybe you killed them all.
Captain McCallister: Maybe they killed themselves.
Lisa Simpson: Maybe you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Captain McCallister: Maybe you ought to marry Milhouse!
[Lisa gasps]
Captain McCallister: That's right. Everyone knows about Milhouse.


"The Simpsons: Bart the Genius (#1.2)" (1990)
Lisa Simpson: Yeah mom, hurry up!
Marge: Alright, hmm how about, he? Two points. Your turn dear.
Homer: Hmmm, how could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters?
[camera pans down to show the word oxidize]
Homer: Oh wait, here's a good one, do.
Lisa Simpson: [Lisa places an I on top of the D in do] Id triple word score!
Homer: Hey, no abbreviations.
Lisa Simpson: Not I.D. dad id! It's a word!
Bart: As in this game is stupid.
Homer: Hey, shut up boy.
Lisa Simpson: Yeah Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities for your big aptitude test tomorrow.
Marge: We could look this id thing up in the dictionary.
Homer: We've got one?
Marge: I think it's under the short leg of the couch.
[Homer lifts up couch and gives the dictionary to Lisa]
Lisa Simpson: Id, along with the ego and the superego one of three components of the psyche.
Homer: Get out of here!
Bart: My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters! Game's over I'm outta here.


"The Simpsons: I Married Marge (#3.12)" (1991)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, if the baby's a girl, can we name her Ariel?
Bart Simpson: [imitates buzzer] I'm sorry, the baby's name will be Kool Moe Dee Simpson.
Lisa Simpson: Ariel!
Bart Simpson: Kool Moe Dee!
Lisa Simpson: Ariel!
Bart Simpson: Kool Moe Dee!


"The Simpsons: Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? (#2.15)" (1991)
Herb: [on phone] Okay, this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna hang up, call me back, and say the exact opposite of everything you just said. Goodbye.
[hangs up]
Herb: Bart, Lisa, come over here.
Lisa Simpson: What is it, Unkie Herb?
Herb: I want you to hear what the guys down at the plant think of your old man.
[phone rings]
Herb: Hello?
Engineer: Um, Homer Simpson is a... brilliant man with lots of well thought-out, practical, ideas. He is insuring the financial security of this company for years to come. Oh yes, and his personal hygiene is above reproach.


"The Simpsons: Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts (#23.2)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: Bart, what are you doing?
Bart Simpson: Locking the school with the kids inside.
Lisa Simpson: I'm telling mom!
Bart Simpson: Go right ahead. You can use the closet phone.
[locks Lisa in broom closet]
Lisa Simpson: Hello, mom?
Bart Simpson: There really is a closet phone?
[Bart opens door; Lisa is just standing there sticking her tongue out; Bart closes door on her]
Bart Simpson: Real mature.


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Lisa and the Eighth Commandment (#2.13)" (1991)
Homer: Family, gather round, I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable.
Bart, Lisa: Cable?
Bart: All right.
Homer: That's right, sixty-eight channels, MTV for the kids, VH1 for us, sixteen hours of quality programming a day.
Marge: I don't know, Homer, we've discussed cable before. Do you really think we can afford this?
Homer: Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can afford it.
Marge: Mmmm, are you sure this is legal?
Homer: Relax, Marge. Read this.
[Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So You've Decided To Steal Cable"]
Marge: "Myth: it's wrong to view quality motion pictures for free. Fact: most movies that air on cable rate two stars or lower and are repeated ad nauseam." I don't know...


"The Simpsons: Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington (#3.2)" (1991)
Lisa: [at the Jefferson Memorial. Talking to the statue] Mr. Jefferson, I have a problem.
Thomas Jefferson: I know your problem: the Lincoln Memorial was *too crowded*.
Lisa: Yes, well...
Thomas Jefferson: [referring to how empty his memorial is] No one ever comes to see me. Frankly, I don't blame them. *I* didn't do anything important. JUST the Declaration of Independence, the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter!...
Lisa: Uh, maybe I should go... I seem to have caught you at a bad time...
[walks out]
Thomas Jefferson: WAIT! Don't go!... I get so lonely...
[tumbleweed blows through]


The Simpsons: Road Rage (2001) (VG)
Lisa Simpson: The Ear Piercery please. Time for this little girl to get hip!


"The Simpsons: Brother from the Same Planet (#4.14)" (1993)
[about Lisa's addiction to the "Corey Hotline."]
Marge Simpson: Oh, honey, I know how you feel. When I was a girl, I had a crush on Bobby Sherman...
[Lisa bursts out laughing]
Marge Simpson: [annoyed] The point is, I want you to stop making these calls!
Lisa Simpson: [serious] All right, Mom. I promise you, you will never be billed for another call.
[giggling uncontrollably]
Lisa Simpson: Bobby Sherman?
Marge Simpson: Mmm...


"The Simpsons: Homer the Heretic (#4.3)" (1992)
Lisa Simpson: [In church] Our Father, Who art in Heaven...
Bart: Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place!


"The Simpsons: Half-Decent Proposal (#13.10)" (2002)
Lisa Simpson: Hey, a helicopter's landing on our lawn.
Bart Simpson: Let's approach with caution!


"The Simpsons: Mobile Homer (#16.13)" (2005)
Lisa Simpson: [looking at map] Let's see, the RV dealership is across the freeway on the corner of - -hey, this is a Flintstones Fun Map. Look, Dad wrote something: Dino, short for Dinosaur? Remember to ask Jeeves.


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets an F (#2.1)" (1990)
Bart: [praying] God, please give me one more chance to study, give me a snow day, or a power outage, or a teacher's strike, anything, please!
Lisa: Prayer: the last refuge of the scoundrel.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Sax (#9.3)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: Our family was suffering its worst crisis ever. Bart was miserable at school, and Lisa's gifts were going to waste.
Bart Simpson: Uh, Homer, its five years later and I'm still miserable at school.
Lisa Simpson: And my gifts are still going to waste!
Marge Simpson: And sometimes I just feel so smothered by this family I just want to scream till my lungs explode!


"The Simpsons: Regarding Margie (#17.20)" (2006)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, please don't leave.
Bart Simpson: My grades will suffer. In fact, they're suffering now.
[Shows him his report card]
Bart Simpson: Look at this garden of 'F's. You planted them all!


"The Simpsons: Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass (#16.8)" (2005)
LeBron James: Omelets for dinner? This is the best day of my life!
Lisa Simpson: Didn't you just sign a ninety-million-dollar contract?
LeBron James: That was a good day, too.


"The Simpsons: Moonshine River (#24.1)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: New York has sure changed since our ancestor Fievel came here.
Lisa Simpson: Fievel was a mouse in a movie.
Homer Simpson: Yes, now look at us. Only in America.


"The Simpsons: Bart Sells His Soul (#7.4)" (1995)
Lisa: Hmmm, Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VII (#8.1)" (1996)
Lisa Simpson: Oh my God! I've created life!
Marge Simpson: Lisa, breakfast! We're having waffles!
Lisa Simpson: Ooh, waffles!


"The Simpsons: Homer's Triple Bypass (#4.11)" (1992)
Lisa Simpson: [in Sunday School] My dad is very sick. What's going to happen if he dies?
Sunday School Teacher: Well, if he's been good, he'll go to Heaven.
[writes "Heaven" on the board]
Sunday School Teacher: In Heaven, you get to do whatever you like best, all the time.
[Lisa imagines Homer as an angel in heaven, lying on a cloud]
Homer Simpson: Cloud goes up, cloud goes down, cloud goes up, cloud goes down...
[cut to Homer's hospital room]
Homer Simpson: Bed goes up, bed goes down, bed goes up, bed goes down...


"The Simpsons: The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer (#18.1)" (2006)
Lisa Simpson: [Michael has just told Fat Tony that he successfully killed a gang of rival mobsters] Michael, why didn't you tell him the truth that it was an accident?
[suspiciously]
Lisa Simpson: It was an accident, wasn't it Michael?
Michael: [a la Michael Corleone] Don't ever ask me about my business, Lisa.
[the Godfather theme starts playing as Michael shuts the door in her face]


"The Simpsons: Fat Man and Little Boy (#16.5)" (2004)
[Lisa is worried about her science project]
Homer: Lisa, all you need is a little help from your dad.
Lisa: Well, we're supposed to do this without parental help.
Homer: Sweetie, that's orphan talk.


"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Krust (#9.15)" (1998)
Steven Wright: I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.
[the entire audience, except Homer, laughs]
Homer Simpson: I don't get it.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, the zebra didn't do it, it's just a word at the end of the dictionary.
Homer Simpson: I still don't get it.
Lisa Simpson: It's just a joke.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I get it! I get jokes!
[laughs]


"The Simpsons: Natural Born Kissers (#9.25)" (1998)
Lisa Simpson: Wow! An alternate ending to "Casablanca". Bart, this could be priceless!
Bart Simpson: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind of priceless?


"The Simpsons: Saddlesore Galactica (#11.13)" (2000)
Lisa: Thank you, Mr. President.
Bill Clinton: No, thank you, Lisa. For teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president.


"The Simpsons: To Cur with Love (#24.8)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: Santa's Little Helper! Santa's Little Helper!
Lisa Simpson: I love that dog, but that is one long, stupid name.


"The Simpsons: Bart the General (#1.5)" (1990)
Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
Lisa: No there aren't.
Bart: Teacher's pet. Apple polisher. Butt kisser.
Homer: Bart. You're saying butt kisser like it's a bad thing.


"The Simpsons: The Ziff Who Came to Dinner (#15.14)" (2004)
Lisa Simpson: Aw, thanks for reading me the corrections. It makes me feel better about my own family.
Artie Ziff: Doesn't your father ever read to you?
Lisa Simpson: He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still looking for that chocolate factory... It consumes him.


"The Simpsons: The Bob Next Door (#21.22)" (2010)
Principal Skinner: Due to budget cuts, we're instituting shorter school hours.
Lisa Simpson: How short?
Superintendant Chalmers: Take 'em home, Otto!


"The Simpsons: 'Round Springfield (#6.22)" (1995)
Lisa Simpson: My brother just had his appendix removed.
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Oh? And how's he doing?
Bart Simpson: [mooning them with a smiley face drawn on his butt and a stethoscope on his hips] Hey there. I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds right now and uh, I'm a little behind.
Lisa Simpson: [unimpressed] He'll be fine.


"The Simpsons: Dangerous Curves (#20.5)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Here we are.
Bart Simpson: A log cabin? What am I, Davy Crockett? - Also, who's Davy Crockett?
Homer Simpson: Kids, this place has very special memories for your mother and me.
Bart Simpson: Well, leaving right now will become a special memory for me!
[Lisa chuckles]
Marge Simpson: [sing-song] They have a pedal car.
Bart Simpson: [sing-song] Pedal cars suck.
Lisa Simpson: [sing-song] They're worse than walking.
Homer Simpson: [sing-song, to Lisa] I'll put a hundred bucks in your college fund.
Lisa Simpson: [sing-song] I'll take ten bucks now!
Homer Simpson: [sing-song] I'll steal it back when you're sleeping!
[gives Bart and Lisa $10 each]


"The Simpsons: Bart the Lover (#3.16)" (1992)
Lisa Simpson: Now we need to find a way to end it.
Homer: How about, "with a love that will echo through the ages..."
Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson: Awww...
Bart Simpson: Homer, you old honey dripper!


"The Simpsons: Little Big Mom (#11.10)" (2000)
Lisa Simpson: Would you guys turn that down!
Homer Simpson: Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have?


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XII (#13.1)" (2001)
Homer: Die, you monster!
Lisa: Dad! That's the water softener.
Homer: Well I *am* missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack!


"The Simpsons: Waverly Hills 9-0-2-1-D'oh (#20.19)" (2009)
Lisa Simpson: It says here that Springfield Elementary is so bad it's two deviations below the norm.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I can't understand that math reference because I went to Springfield Elementary!


"The Simpsons: At Long Last Leave (#23.14)" (2012)
Lisa Simpson: Why do we have to sit here? If we leave now, we could see what the town looks deserted.
Bart Simpson: I could write whatever I want on the school chalkboard.
Lisa Simpson: I could watch a planetarium show without the second-hand marijuana.
Homer Simpson: And I could drive drunk while sober.
[Cut to Homer driving erratically]
Homer Simpson: It's fun, but not as fun.


"The Simpsons: No Loan Again, Naturally (#20.12)" (2009)
Homer Simpson: Now he's nailing something to our door.
Lisa Simpson: Hmm. I wonder if it's theses?
Homer Simpson: Eww, that's gross.


"The Simpsons: Moe Goes from Rags to Riches (#23.12)" (2012)
Lisa Simpson: Even a boy with a Finding Nemo back brace has a little pride.


"The Simpsons: Realty Bites (#9.9)" (1997)
[singing to the tune of "Camptown Races"]
Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: On the closing day / the escrow agents pay / taxes, liens and interest too / thanks to Fanny Mae.
Bart Simpson: [finishes the song] They back your baaaaank!
Homer Simpson: You're all nuts.


"The Simpsons: Sweets and Sour Marge (#13.8)" (2002)
Bart: Why would Duff publish a book.
Lisa: It was designed to settle fights in taverns.
Homer: Whoo-hoo. She said "tavern". I'm going to Moe's.
[runs away and drives off]
Marge: I never agreed to that rule.


"The Simpsons: The Haw-Hawed Couple (#18.8)" (2006)
[first lines]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, Bart's drinking coffee!
Bart Simpson: It's not coffee, it's hot Pepsi.


"The Simpsons: Little Big Girl (#18.12)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: [thinking] Oh, no. By speaking with forked tongue, I am in heap big trouble. Oh, no! Now I'm thinking in stereotypes!


"The Simpsons: Black-Eyed, Please (#24.15)" (2013)
Lisa Simpson: How does someone become a bully?
Dolph: Neglect.
Jimbo Jones: Abuse.
Kearney: I'm a Cubs fan.


"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
Lisa Simpson: What position have you got for me?
[the kids gasps]
Lisa Simpson: That's right. A girl who wants to play football. How about that?
Ned Flanders: Well, thats super-duper, Lisa. We've already got four girls on the team.
Lisa Simpson: You do?
Ned Flanders: Uh huh. But we'd love to have you on board!
Lisa Simpson: Well... football's not really my thing. After all... what kind of civilized person would play a game with the skin of an innocent pig?
Ned Flanders: Well, actually, Lisa, these balls are synthetic!
Janey Powell: And for every ball you buy, a dollar goes to Amnesty International!
Lisa Simpson: [crying] I've gotta go!


"The Simpsons: Simpson and Delilah (#2.2)" (1990)
[Homer cries over his spilled bottle of Dimoxnyl]
Marge Simpson: Homer, I'm sure if you just went back to the pharmacy...
Homer Simpson: I don't have a thousand bucks! But you do, right? You've been saving it, for a rainy day! Haven't you, Marge?
Marge Simpson: Homer!
[Homer starts sobbing again and rubs his head over the Dimoxnyl stain on the carpet]
Lisa Simpson: Dad is taking this in a less-than-heroic fashion.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXII (#23.3)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: Halloween is over, and that means one thing: the beginning of Christmas shopping season. Time to pump some blood into our failing economy.
Marge Simpson: Remember, no home-made gifts. A single sweater can cost 27 Americans their jobs.
Moe Szyslak: And don't forget, Christmas is a good time to pick up alcoholism. You have to deal with your relatives 365 days a year. Leave at least one day for your bartender.


"The Simpsons: Rosebud (#5.4)" (1993)
Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.


"The Simpsons: Yokel Chords (#18.14)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: You haven't heard the last of this.
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I guess we've heard the last of this.
Lisa Simpson: No you haven't!


"The Simpsons: Dangers on a Train (#24.22)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: Mom! Lisa made me break that lamp!
Lisa Simpson: Mom! Bart is twisting the truth in an Orwellian fashion!
Marge Simpson: Can't I go a whole day without you two tattling on each other or using obscure references?
Lisa Simpson: Orwell, obscure? The author of Animal Farm?
Bart Simpson: Grampa said he was a Commie.
Marge Simpson: No tattling!


"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Kancelled (#4.22)" (1993)
Krusty the Clown: I don't how to thank you kids.
Bart: That's okay, Krusty.
Lisa Simpson: We're getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.
Krusty the Clown: WHAT? That's the sweetest plum! You little...!
[calms down]
Krusty the Clown: Ah, what the hell, you deserve it. Thanks, kids.


"The Simpsons: Days of Wine and D'oh'ses (#11.18)" (2000)
[Homer is drunk]
Lisa: You saved us, dad. You did it.
Homer: I could do a lot more things if I had some money.
Lisa: Wha?...


"The Simpsons: Insane Clown Poppy (#12.3)" (2000)
Lisa: Miss Tan, I loved The Joy Luck Club. You really showed me how the mother-daughter bond could survive adversity.
Amy Tan: No, no, that's not what I meant at all. I can't believe how wrong you got it. Just sit down, I'm embarrassed for both of us.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Phobia (#8.15)" (1997)
Homer: You know Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking, but anyway you chose to live your life is OK.
Bart: Huh?
Lisa: He thinks you're gay.
Bart: He thinks I'm gay?


"The Simpsons: The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants (#23.7)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: You want me to read to Lisa? You might as well ask me to kiss her.
Marge Simpson: If you kissed your sister, that would be lovely.
Bart Simpson: All right! I'll read to her!
Homer Simpson: And kiss her.
Lisa Simpson: Doesn't anyone want my opinion on this?


"The Simpsons: The Daughter Also Rises (#23.13)" (2012)
Lisa Simpson: What happened to you? You were so brave at the dessert bar.
Nick: I sure was. I'm allergic to chocolate.


"The Simpsons: New Kid on the Block (#4.8)" (1992)
[Laura is coming over to babysit]
Lisa Simpson: [incredulous] You're taking a bath?
Bart Simpson: Hey, sometimes a guy just wants his skin to look its yellowest.


"The Simpsons: Mother Simpson (#7.8)" (1995)
Marge: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven.
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?


"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Maybe (#21.11)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: I can buy a digital converter for you.
Grampa Abraham Simpson: Great! You can use the money we would have given to televangelists.
Lisa Simpson: That's a lot of money. How long has the TV been out?
Jasper: Ten minutes.


"The Simpsons: Pygmoelian (#11.16)" (2000)
Marge: Kids, would you like a balloon?
Bart: Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like a rattle and a wowwipop. Actually I would like a wowwipop.
Lisa: Those balloons won't biodegrade for ten thousand years. And if Bart gets a wowwipop, I want a wowwipop.


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Hit by a Car (#2.10)" (1991)
Lisa Simpson: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?
Lionel Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?


"The Simpsons: Girly Edition (#9.21)" (1998)
Lisa: [Lisa is disgusted with Bart's "phony schmaltz" kids' news features]
Lisa: They want cheap sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll be blowing their nose with a pancake.


"The Simpsons: Homer Loves Flanders (#5.16)" (1994)
Lisa: It seems every week the Simpsons go through a situation like this. My suggestion is to just ride it out, make the occasional smart-aleck quip, and next week, we'll return right to where we were, ready for another wacky adventure.
Bart: Aye carumba.
Lisa: That's the spirit.


"The Simpsons: There's No Disgrace Like Home (#1.4)" (1990)
Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I'm picking respect.


"The Simpsons: YOLO (#25.4)" (2013)
Lisa Simpson: I'm going to tell.
Bart Simpson: No, you're not, because that would mean your system has failed.
Lisa Simpson: You found a loophole! Why don't you ever apply yourself like this in your work?
Bart Simpson: Because then I'd be the one thing I swore I'd never be: you.


"The Simpsons: Fear of Flying (#6.11)" (1994)
Lisa: Cheer up, Dad. Did you know the Chinese use the same word for 'crisis' as they do for 'opportunity'?
Homer: Yes. Crisitunity.


"The Simpsons: Replaceable You (#23.4)" (2011)
Lisa Simpsons: [about Bart's cootie shot] Isn't this similar to your cootie patch last year?
Bart Simpson: That was preventive. This is morning after.


"The Simpsons: Mayored to the Mob (#10.9)" (1998)
Homer: Password.
Bart: We just want to get a snack from the fridge.
Homer: Access denied!
Bart, Lisa: But Da...
[Homer uses a sleeper hold on Bart and Lisa knocking them out]
Marge: Homer! I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children!
Homer: They be OK in half an hour.
Marge: And another thing, I asked you to take out the garbage three days agos and it's still... ngghhh.
[Homer uses his sleeper hold on Marge]
Homer: [Homer looks at his watch] Hmm, dinner is not for another half hour. Gahhh!
[Homer uses his sleeper hold on himself and bangs his head on the dinner table while falling to the floor]


"The Simpsons: El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer (#8.9)" (1997)
Lisa Simpson: [Seeing a silhouette of Homer against a spotlit sky] Is that Dad?
Bart Simpson: Either that or Batman has really let himself go.


"The Simpsons: Bart vs. Lisa vs. the Third Grade (#14.3)" (2002)
Lisa Simpson: Bart, you're my big brother. You should act like it more often. You know, protect me from the bad things in the world.
Bart Simpson: As far as nerdy little sisters go, you're the coolest.
Lisa Simpson: Thanks, Bart.
Bart Simpson: And I'm sorry I sabotaged your flag.
Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry I got us lost out here.
Bart Simpson: Oh! And I'm sorry I sawed the heads of your Malibu Stacy dolls. Okay, now you go.
Lisa Simpson: I don't think I've done anything else.
Bart Simpson: Okay, I'll go again. Remember when your bike was mangled by "gypsies"?
Lisa Simpson: Yes?
Bart Simpson: Yeah, funny story. One day I was really bored, and Dad had left a steamroller idling in the driveway...


"The Simpsons: This Little Wiggy (#9.18)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: Alright! Woo-hoo! Way to go Ralph!
Lisa Simpson: Ralph? But the rocket was my idea!
Bart Simpson: What I'm asking you is Ralph's idea.
Homer Simpson: You're the man Ralph!
Lisa Simpson: But surely I deserve some credit for
[interrupted by cheering for Ralph]
Bart Simpson: Aw, let him have this one, Lise. After all, it's Ralph!
Lisa Simpson: [cheers for Ralph also] Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!


"The Simpsons: Coming to Homerica (#20.21)" (2009)
Homer Simpson: I share your xylophobia!
Lisa Simpson: No, Dad, you mean "xenophobia". Xylophobia would be the fear of xylophones.
Homer Simpson: I *am* afraid of xylophones. It's the music you hear when skeletons are dancing!


"The Simpsons: When Flanders Failed (#3.3)" (1991)
Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?
Homer: No, I don't know what "shaden-frawde" is.
[sarcastic]
Homer: Please tell me, because I'm dying to know.
Lisa: It's a German term for "shameful joy", taking pleasure in the suffering of others.
Homer: Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt!
[getting mad]
Homer: He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel... What's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours?
Lisa: Sour grapes.
Homer: Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Simpson (#9.17)" (1998)
Lisa Simpson: [on TV] Hello, my name is Lisa Simpson.
[Marge gasps]
Lisa Simpson: I'm supposed to talk to you about proposition 305.
Homer Simpson: [bitter] Moochin' war widows!


"The Simpsons: Team Homer (#7.12)" (1996)
[after getting school uniforms]
Bart: These uniforms suck.
Marge: Bart, where did you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on the phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure sucked last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked.
Marge: Homer.
Homer: Oh, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are lookin' at me.
Bart, Lisa: We are not wiener kids!
Homer: Then why are you wearing those dorky uniforms? Hmm...


"The Simpsons: A Midsummer's Nice Dream (#22.16)" (2011)
Grampa Simpson: Who has disturbed my tomb?
Lisa Simpson: Grampa, you're not dead.
Grampa Simpson: Then wake me up when I am.


"The Simpsons: Faith Off (#11.11)" (2000)
Homer Simpson: Okay, who needs another lamb rack?
[Marge and Bart wave a 'no']
Homer Simpson: Lisa?... Hamhawk? Tri-tip?
Lisa Simpson: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer Simpson: Well, I think the veil might have died of loneliness.


"The Simpsons: The Otto Show (#3.22)" (1992)
Homer: That guy has gotta go!
Marge: Hmm, I know how you feel. But he is good with the kids.
[pan upward to Lisa's room, where Otto is telling her a bedtime story by candlelight]
Otto: So the lady drove faster, but the strange car kept banging into her from behind...
[Lisa gasps]
Otto: So she swerved off the road into the woods, and lost the other car. And then, she realized that the man in the other car wasn't trying to hurt her. No, he was trying to warn her... about the ax-wielding maniac hiding in her back seat!
Lisa Simpson: Did the maniac kill her?
Otto: Natch! And you know how I know?
Lisa Simpson: How?
Otto: Because... *I* was that maniac.
[Lisa's scream shakes the whole house]
Otto: [hastily] I was just kidding!


"The Simpsons: A Fish Called Selma (#7.19)" (1996)
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...
[laughs hysterically]
Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know.


"The Simpsons: Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? (#11.3)" (1999)
Newspaper Tour Guide: And each paper contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
Lisa: What percentage is that?
Newspaper Tour Guide: Zero. Zero is a percent, isn't it?


"The Simpsons: Pokey Mom (#12.10)" (2001)
[Homer holds up Lisa to attract a bull]
Homer: Here, Toro. Here's something to gore.
Lisa: DAAAAAAAAAD.
Homer: Not now, honey. Daddy's busy.


"The Simpsons: Homer Defined (#3.5)" (1991)
[the expression "pull a Homer" meaning "succeed despite idiocy" is added to the dictionary]
Lisa Simpson: Our dad - now he belongs to the ages.


"The Simpsons: A Totally Fun Thing Bart Will Never Do Again (#23.19)" (2012)
Lisa Simpson: Sure, life is full of pain and misery, but the trick is to enjoy the few good things in the moment.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, stupid. Stop thinking about having fun and have it.


"The Simpsons: Miracle on Evergreen Terrace (#9.10)" (1997)
Bart Simpson: [holding up a present] Hocus pocus! Mucus puke-us! My powers of deduction tell me you are getting a hand-made sweater, possibly... yellow.
Lisa Simpson: Mom, make him stop!
Marge Simpson: Bart, put down that yellow sweater.