Principal Skinner
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Principal Skinner (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Simpsons: The Boy Who Knew Too Much (#5.20)" (1994)
Principal Skinner: Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote.

[Bart has just testified for Freddy Quimby and admitted to skipping school]
Principal Skinner: I'm impressed with what you did in there, Bart. You testified for the Quimby boy even though it was putting your own head in a noose. Nevertheless, you did skip school.
Bart: So, I guess the two things sorta cancel each other out, right?
Principal Skinner: I'm a small man in some ways, Bart. A small, petty man. Three months detention.
[Bart begins to walk away]
Principal Skinner: Wait a minute, Bart.
[Skinner thinks for a few moments]
Principal Skinner: Make that... *four* months detention.

Principal Skinner: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just remember, if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.
Homer: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow...

Homer: What does "sequestered mean"?
Principal Skinner: If the jury is deadlocked, they're put up in a hotel so that they cant communicate with the outside world.
Homer: What does "deadlocked" mean?
Principal Skinner: It's when the jury cant agree on a verdict.
Homer: And "if"?
Principal Skinner: A conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition of".
Homer: So "if" we get "deadlocked", we'll be "sequestered" at the Springfield Palace Hotel. Where we'll get a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO. Ooh. Free Willy.

"The Simpsons: Das Bus (#9.14)" (1998)
Principal Skinner: Okay, delegates, you leave tomorrow for the statewide Model U.N., so this is our last chance to bone up. And bone we will!
[all the kids, except Lisa, laugh]
Bart Simpson: Lighten up, Lise.
Principal Skinner: Finland, let's see that native dance.
[Martin gets up and begins dancing]
Principal Skinner: Smile more. Work that pelvis. No, too much smile. Sit down.
[Martin sits down]
Principal Skinner: Poland, tell us about your nation's achievements
Milhouse Van Houten: Well, uh, I heard they sent a rocket to the sun once... at night! And there was that submarine, with the screen doors...
Principal Skinner: No, no, no, no, no. Young man, you need to do some serious boning!
[only Lisa laughs]
Bart Simpson: Oh, grow up, Lise.

Principal Skinner: Order! Order! Do you kids wanna be like the real U.N., or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?

Principal Skinner: Okay, kids. Otto's in charge! Remember, Otto. We're trusting you with our greatest natural resource... the school bus.

Principal Skinner: Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?

"The Simpsons: Brother's Little Helper (#11.2)" (1999)
Principal Skinner: I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son
Marge Simpson: [gasps]
Principal Skinner: Unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous...
Homer Simpson: Candy bar?
Principal Skinner: No. It's a new drug called Focusyn.
Marge Simpson: A drug? I know Bart can be rambunctious, but he's not some hyperactive monster.
[Bart appears outside the window, dressed as a cheerleader]
Bart Simpson: Gimme an F! Gimme an art!
Principal Skinner: Good Lord! He's gotten into the pep closet!
Homer Simpson: I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.

Principal Skinner: Thank you for coming.
Homer Simpson: Thank you for getting me out of work.

Principal Seymour: Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmellows, or raining down on Charlie.

[Homer and Marge have been called in to the school to talk to Principal Skinner]
Principal Skinner: Thank you for coming.
Homer: Thank you for getting me out of work.

"The Simpsons: Bart's Comet (#6.14)" (1995)
Principal Skinner: Curse the man who invented helium! Curse Pierre Jules Cesar Janssen!

Principal Skinner: And now to find out who did this... Bart, empty your pockets!
Bart: Empty my pockets, you say? Well, certainly, but I fail to see...
Principal Skinner: [looking through the contents] Blueprints of the dummy... notarized photos of you making the dummy... and an alternate wording for the banner, "Buttzilla."

Homer: Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it. I can't take this anymore. I can't let that brave man out there die alone. I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you - especially his children. I'm going out there!
[goes out, slams door behind him, then pops his head back in]
Homer: It was a baby ox.
Moe: He's right, you know.
Principal Skinner: [surprised] About the ox?
Moe: About everything, dammit! Hey Homer, wait up. I want to die too.
Apu: If you are going, I am going.
Barney Gumble: Me too!
[everyone assents and leaves]

Bart: [about constellations] Who names these things anyway?
Principal Skinner: Whoever discovers them. I've been hoping I could find something that would be named after me.
Bart: And you've never found anything?
Principal Skinner: Once... but by the time I got to the phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohoutek...
[a cloud covers the moon; ominous music plays]
Principal Skinner: I got back at him, though... him and that little *boy* of his.
[cloud passes; music ends]
Principal Skinner: Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.

"The Simpsons: Stealing First Base (#21.15)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Where's Mrs. K?
Principal Skinner: Mrs. Krabappel went to Idaho. Turns out the people sent to rescue her sister from a cult turned out to be an even worse cult.
Bart Simpson: So who's taking her place? Me, I hope.
Principal Skinner: No, not you. Never you.

Principal Skinner: [On a school skit] I'm Bart Simpson, disruptive fourth grader.
Homer Simpson: I've finally caught one of Bart's plays.
Marge Simpson: That's not Bart, that's Principal Skinner. Bart's sitting right next to you.
Homer Simpson: Oh, now that I look closer, that guy can't fool anybody.
Principal Skinner: Shut up, fatso.
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[Runs onstage and strangles Skinner]

Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs Simpson, these are Brody and Madison McKenna. Their daughter is on Bart's class.
Brody McKenna: Mr. Simpson, your son engaged in unwanted mouth contact with our daughter.
Marge Simpson: They kissed?
Madison McKenna: On the slide.
Homer Simpson: That's all that happened, and I got to miss a day of work? Thank you!
Madison McKenna: Mr. Simpson, I'm a high-class lawyer, and my husband is a district attorney, and we're not happy.
Homer Simpson: Maybe you should get easier jobs.

Madison McKenna: Unless you make this school an affection-free environment, we'll sue you to the last dime.
Principal Skinner: [holds up dime] Here it is.
Madison McKenna: And we'll make you wish your son was ever born.
Homer Simpson: Already half way there, lady.

"The Simpsons: Lard of the Dance (#10.1)" (1998)
Alex Whitney: Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name!
Lisa Simpson: Did she just tell me to shut up?
Principal Skinner: Take it outside.

Principal Skinner: [over the intercom] Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.
[Lisa raises her hand]
Principal Skinner: Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa

Principal Skinner: Oh, Lisa, I was hoping I could count on you again to spearhead our annual school-wide apple pick.
Lisa Simpson: Absolutely.
Alex Whitney: Apple... pick?
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, it's great! We have pony rides, sing-a-longs, apple bobbing, apple picking, apple everything!
Principal Skinner: Ah, you forgot apple bobbing.
Lisa Simpson: No, I didn't!

Principal Skinner: [over the intercom] Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.
[Lisa raises her hand]
Principal Skinner: Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa.

"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour.
Principal Skinner: Hmm?
Superintendent Chalmers: You're fired!
Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, did... did you just call me a liar?
Superintendent Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Principal Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.

Bart Simpson: Principal Skinner? Um, I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired, and biting you, and then getting it on with your leg.
Principal Skinner: Well... maybe it was for the best.

Principal Skinner: Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through...
[fade to later]
Apu: ... it was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had...
Apu: ... one of the most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?
Apu: I mean, thank you, come again.

"The Simpsons: A Test Before Trying (#24.10)" (2013)
Superintendent Chalmers: I hate waiting. That's why I don't order risotto.
Principal Skinner: Not even mushroom risotto?
Superintendent Chalmers: What do you think?

Bart Simpson: I didn't study.
Principal Skinner: What?
Bart Simpson: I fell asleep on the books, so I might have gotten something through osmosis.
Principal Skinner: So you know what osmosis is?
Bart Simpson: Uh... pajamas?

Bart Simpson: Well, looks like Mr. Vanilla just grew a pair of chocolate chips.
Principal Skinner: Save your analogies for the analogy part of the test.

"The Simpsons: The Principal and the Pauper (#9.2)" (1997)
Superintendant Chalmers: Now let's clear this up. Who exactly are you?
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army.
Principal Skinner: It's true. I was in his platoon. But, they said you were killed on that scouting mission.
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp, I was sold to China for slave labor. And since '77 I've been making sneakers at gunpoint in a sweatshop in Boo-Haun.
Marge Simpson: That's not a funny story.
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Well, I guess you had to be there.

Principal Skinner: Hello, Edna. I know we had dinner plans tonight, but instead I'm leaving town forever.

Armin Tamzarian: Hello Edna, I know we were planning on seeing a movie tonight, but, instead I'm leaving town forever.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
Principal Skinner: Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.

Principal Skinner: Now, I've got the word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it.

[Bart is hanging out the window of the school bus. Principal Skinner and Groundskeeper Willie are trying to pull him back in]
Principal Skinner: Pull, Willie, pull!
Groundskeeper Willie: I'm doin' all the pullin', ya blouse-wearin' poodle-walker!

"The Simpsons: The DeBarted (#19.13)" (2008)
Superintendent Chalmers: Now that we have a man on the inside, we'll put Bart Simpson away from a long, long time.
Principal Skinner: By long, the most we can give him is five days suspension.
Superintendent Chalmers: That's long for a kid.

Skinner: Young man, I'm going to be on you like a numerator on a denominator.

Skinner: Where do you think you're going?
Bart Simpson: Go back to your knitting, Seymour.
Skinner: I will, but not because you told me to.

"The Simpsons: Homer the Vigilante (#5.11)" (1994)
Homer Simpson: It's time to clean up this town!
Seymour Skinner: Meaning what, exactly?
Homer Simpson: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.

Homer Simpson: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
Seymour Skinner: How ironic.

Seymour Skinner: Any sign of the burglar yet?
Homer Simpson: He'll show.
Seymour Skinner: How's that?
Homer Simpson: It's his job.
Seymour Skinner: How's that?
Homer Simpson: He's a burglar.
[they nod at one another as the theme music from "Dragnet" plays]

"The Simpsons: Special Edna (#14.7)" (2003)
Principal Skinner: I believe the only venue for me is the ride of broken dreams.
Homer Simpson: Oh, you mean the Enron ride. Let's go.

Bart: Hey wait a minute, man. You don't have to leave just because Superintendent Chalmers tells you to. You've spent your whole life following orders. From your mother, the army, Superintendent Chalmers. For once in your life, stand up for yourself, man.
Principal Skinner: Okay, Bart.
Mrs. Krabappel: Let's go, Seymour.
Principal Skinner: Okay, Edna.

Bart: All right, I'm in. I'll humiliate the love of your life. Because I like you, I'll even do it "pro boner".
Principal Skinner: It's "pro bono".
Bart: I know what I said.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Sax (#9.3)" (1997)
[Bart discovers he can make kids laugh, and puts on a show for the Kindergarteners]
Bart Simpson: [singing] Skinner is a nut, he has a rubber butt!
Principal Skinner: [appearing from behind a tree] Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and... that metal plate I got in 'Nam.
Bart Simpson: [gulps]
Principal Skinner: Now, I want you to knock off that potty talk right now!
Bart Simpson: [laughing] The principal said potty!
[the kids laugh. Skinner shudders in frustration]
Principal Skinner: You listen to me, son. You just started school, and the path you choose now may be the one you follow for the rest of your life! Now, what did you say?
Bart Simpson: [looks at Skinner, then at Jimbo. It is his moment of truth] Eat my shorts!
Principal Skinner: All right, I'll ea... eat your shorts?
Bart Simpson: That's right, eat my shorts!
[singing to "Batman" theme]
Bart Simpson: Buttman! Na na na na na na na na, Buttman!

Principal Skinner: Hello, everybody and welcome to Springfield Elementary. I'm Principal Sinner.
[realizing his mistake]
Principal Skinner: Uh, uh, uh Skinner.
[the children laugh]

Bart: Skinner is a nut, he has a rubber butt!
Principal Skinner: Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and that metal plate I got in 'Nam.

"The Simpsons: 24 Minutes (#18.21)" (2007)
Principal Skinner: [Bart makes a Principal Skinner head out of poupon and ketchup] Simpson! I'll teach you to make a poupon me!
[students in the cafeteria laugh]

Principal Skinner: Enhance.
[the image is enhanced, revealing "Seymour sucks" carved on a desk]
Principal Skinner: Dehance! Dehance!

Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, if I don't make it, there's a letter in my locker I want you to read.
Lisa Simpson: I've read your letter.
Principal Skinner: We've all read it.

"The Simpsons: Mathlete's Feat (#26.22)" (2015)
Groundskeeper Willie: [about a Roomba cleaning the school halls] What's that?
Principal Skinner: We didn't want to leave you out of the digital revolution. Willie, meet your new supervisor.
Groundskeeper Willie: You mean I have to take orders from a machine?
Principal Skinner: Well, it can't speak, but should it ever, yes.

Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner, you did connect all the computers to surge protectors, right?
Principal Skinner: Yes, power strips.
Superintendent Chalmers: You fool! All surge protectors are power strips but not viceversa!

Miss Hoover: The teacher's union will not stand for this.
Principal Skinner: It'll mean less work for you.
Miss Hoover: Really? I didn't think I could do less work.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
Principal Skinner: Willie, sometime over the holiday the beloved grade four gerbil, uh... "Superdude," lost his life. I need you to air out the classroom and give Superdude a proper burial.

Smithers: [over the intercom] Principal Skinner, this is a secretary. There's one more student who wishes to speak to you.
Principal Skinner: That strange, I don't have a secretary... or an intercom, but send him in.
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters dressed as a student] Ahoy there, dean. I understand that you're taking suggestions from students. Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking if you were to reinvest that money back into the local energy concern.
Principal Skinner: [clears throat] Mr. Burns...
[Burns exclaims in shock]
Principal Skinner: It was naive of you to think I'd mistake this town's most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students.

Moe Szyslak: I lost my bar!
Barney Gumble: I lost his bar!
Lisa Simpson: He robbed the school of music!
Principal Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito!
Homer: He can't remember my name!
Marge Simpson: He's causing us all to yell!
[Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]
Bart Simpson: Look what he did to my best friend!
[Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies]
Bart Simpson: No, my dog!
[Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?

"The Simpsons: The Crepes of Wrath (#1.11)" (1990)
Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion is going to do it. I think it behooves us all to consider... deportation.
Marge Simpson: Deportation? You mean kick Bart out of the country?
Homer Simpson: Hear him out, Marge.

Homer Simpson: Wait a minute, Skinner! How do we know some French principal over there isn't playing the same stunt you are?
Principal Skinner: Well, for one thing you wouldn't be getting a French boy. You'd be getting an Albanian.
Homer Simpson: You mean all-white with pink eyes?

Principal Skinner: The disturbance occurred this morning, when your sun flushed an explosive device down the boys' lavatory.
Homer Simpson: Heh heh, that old gag.

"The Simpsons: Yellow Subterfuge (#25.7)" (2013)
Principal Skinner: You're like egg salad at a picnic, Bart Simpson. Even when you look good, you know you're going bad.

Principal Skinner: I have broken a ten-year-old's spirit. Time to reward myself with a fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt. Plain, plain, plain, plain... ooh, fruit.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)
Principal Skinner: Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation. There's no mystery about Willy. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.

[Principal Skinner is having a meeting with parents, but burning Willie rushes into the room]
Groundskeeper Willie: Help! Please, help me!
Principal Skinner: Willie, don't worry! Mr. Van Houten has the floor.
Mr. Van Houten: I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.
[before anyone could answer, the entire class looks directly at Willie, who explodes into flame and screams]

"The Simpsons: I Love Lisa (#4.15)" (1993)
[towards the end of the President's Day pageant]
Principal Skinner: And now our evening comes to an end...
Homer: Woo hoo!
Principal Skinner: ...with a thorough retelling of the life of George Washington.
Homer: D'oh!

Principal Skinner: [after having a traumatic flashback of Valentine's Day in Vietnam] Johnny. Johnny! JOHNNYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Bart: Cool! I broke his brain

"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
[Superintendant Chalmers sees Principal Skinner's kitchen on fire]
Superintendant Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Principal Skinner: The Aurora Borealis?
Superintendant Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Principal Skinner: Yes.
Superintendant Chalmers: May I see it?
Principal Skinner: No.

Principal Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.
Superintendant Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Principal Skinner: Oh, no, I said, "steamed hams." That's what I call hamburgers.
Superintendant Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams.
Principal Skinner: Yes, it's a regional dialect.
Superintendant Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?
Principal Skinner: Uh, upstate New York.
Superintendant Chalmers: Really. Well, I'm from Utica and I never heard anyone use the phrase, "steamed hams."
Principal Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no; it's an Albany expression.
Superintendant Chalmers: I see.
[Chalmers takes a bite of the "steamed ham"]
Superintendant Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Principal Skinner: Oh, no, patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe.
Superintendant Chalmers: For steamed hams.
Principal Skinner: Yes
Superintendant Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.
[shows Skinner the grill marks]
Principal Skinner: Uh... you know... one thing I sh -... 'scuse me for one second.

"The Simpsons: Postcards from the Wedge (#21.14)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: That's one month of homework? It seems like a lot for a young boy.
Homer Simpson: I say he should get more homework. I don't have to help him, do I?
Principal Skinner: No.
Homer Simpson: Pile it on! I want him to be Korean by the time he's done.

Principal Skinner: You can't hide from me. I'm a very patient man. I once waited an hour and a half for a haircut.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
Principal Skinner: I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts.

Lisa: Bart, does it strike you as odd that Uter disappeared and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food called "Uterbraten"?
Principal Skinner: Oh relax kids, I've got a gut feeling Uter's around here somewhere hahahahaha, after all isn't there a little Uter in all of us? hahahaha... hahaha, in fact, you might even say we just ate Uter, and he's in our stomachs... right now! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!... Wait, scratch that one.

"The Simpsons: Grade School Confidential (#8.19)" (1997)
Principal Skinner: We're not coming down until you acknowledge and celebrate our love!
Maude Flanders: Excuse me, Edna. I don't think we're talking about love here. We are talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!

Principal Skinner: Is this how you imagined your life, Edna?
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, yes, but then I was a very depressed child.

"The Simpsons: Skinner's Sense of Snow (#12.8)" (2000)
Nelson: We're trapped in the school!
[the kids scream]
Milhouse: We're gonna miss Christmas!
[the kids scream even louder]
Skinner: I fixed the DVD.
[the kids scream louder than ever]

Skinner: You did it, Nibbles. Now, chew through my ball sack.

"The Simpsons: The PTA Disbands (#6.21)" (1995)
[the School Bus needs to be filled with gas]
Principal Skinner: [Speaking to Otto] Otto, we need you to fill up the bus. Here's the *credit card*.
[Presents him with a hose]
Otto: Ohh.
Principal Skinner: And a mint for afterwards.
[Later, when the class is running from the Civil Act Actors]
Principal Skinner: Start the bus Otto! Start the bus!
[Otto is sucking oil from the petrol tank of another bus. He spits it out]
Otto: Damn, I shouldn't have eaten the mint first.

Ned Flanders: Well, I guess this is a case where we'll have to agree to disagree.
Principal Skinner: I don't agree to that.
Mrs. Krabappel: Neither do I.

"The Simpsons: The Great Wife Hope (#21.3)" (2009)
Marge Simpson: Is there someone in this bag?
Martin Prince: [Tied up inside bag] It's my own fault. I looked him in the eye as I was giving him my lunch money.
Marge Simpson: Someone should talk to your principal.
Principal Seymour Skinner: [Also tied up inside bag] I'm well aware of the situation.

Principal Seymour Skinner: Due to education cutbacks, the following presidents will not be taught: Buchanan, Pierce, Carter, Bush, Bush...

"The Simpsons: Home Sweet Home-Dum-Diddly Doodily (#7.3)" (1995)
[Skinner watches as Willie burns Bart's lice-infested clothes]
Groundskeeper Willie: See you in hell, you wingless bloodsuckers!
Principal Skinner: What kind of parents would permit such a lapse in scalpal hygiene?
Groundskeeper Willie: Well, you better check out his sister. She could be rife with them bugs too!

[on Bart and Lisa receiving lice]
Principal Skinner: Sweet Georgia Brown! Something is rotten at the Simpson house.
[he dials a phone number, and a minute later, a van from the Springfield child protection agency speeds toward the Simpsons' street]

"The Simpsons: Pranks and Greens (#21.6)" (2009)
Principal Skinner: Bart Simpson, that is a reconstructed Yugoslavian engine. There is no longer a Yugoslavia.

Krusty: Kid, what are you doing? You're ruining the bit!
Bart Simpson: No! I will not let you become a bitter, twisted monster like Principal Skinner.
Principal Skinner: [Watching on TV] Watch the Krusty Show, they tell me. It'll help you relax, they tell me.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Substitute (#2.19)" (1991)
Principal Skinner: Are you the substitute?
Mr. Bergstrom: Yessir, yes I aim.
Principal Skinner: Are you insane?
Mr. Bergstrom: [lowers voice] Uh, no sir, no I'm not. It's my way of getting their attention.

Miss Hoover: Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor, and I have Lyme disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.
Ralph: What's Lyme disease?
Principal Skinner: I'll field that one.
[goes to blackboard]
Principal Skinner: Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called 'ticks'.
[writes 'TICKS' on blackboard]
Principal Skinner: When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood...
Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh...
Principal Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
Miss Hoover: The brain? Oh, dear God...
Class: Wow.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Rival (#6.2)" (1994)
Principal Skinner: [Bart is creating a diversion] Bart, stop creating a diversion and get out of here!

Bart: Lis, can you keep it down? I'm in the middle of a crank call here.
Principal Skinner: [on phone] Actually, my refrigerator *wasn't* running. You've saved me quite a bit of spoilage. Thank you, anonymous young man.

"The Simpsons: Duffless (#4.16)" (1993)
[first lines]
Principal Skinner: Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.

Principal Skinner: [seeing Bart's science project] "Go-Go Ray"?
Bart Simpson: Allow me to demonstrate.
[turns switch to "Mashed Potato" and zaps Skinner]
Principal Skinner: AH! What the-?
[He does the Mashed Potato across the room. Mrs. Krabappel laughs. Bart turns the switch to "Monkey" and zaps her]
Edna Krabappel: AH! Can't... stop... doing... the Monkey!

"The Simpsons: Lisa on Ice (#6.8)" (1994)
Principal Skinner: Attention, students, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. Report immediately for an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium.
[to himself]
Principal Skinner: Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one.

Principal Skinner: First academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.
Ralph Wiggum: I won! I won!
Principal Skinner: No, no, Ralph, this means you're failing English.
Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets a 'Z' (#21.2)" (2009)
Principal Seymour Skinner: Bart, you've told the truth, and you shall be rewarded... with a severe punishment.

Principal Seymour Skinner: I'd love to have Edna back, but I can't just fire a teacher if he's doing a good job, or even an adequate job, or shows up at all without touching someone.
Zachary Vaughn: [Chanting out in the hall] I hate children! I hate children! Children suck! Children suck!
Principal Seymour Skinner: What's this? Teacher's lounge talk in the hallways?
Zachary Vaughn: I hate children! You and you and you and you! School is useless! Hilary Swank never graduated high school, and she won two Oscars, one of which she deserved.
Principal Seymour Skinner: You said you didn't put liquor in his drink.
Bart Simpson: I didn't.
Zachary Vaughn: I mixed vodka with my Blue Bronco. Anyone else want to ride the indigo pony?
Martin Prince: Is there extra credit?
Zachary Vaughn: Oh, they're gonna eat you alive at CalTech. Alive!

"The Simpsons: The Color Yellow (#21.13)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: [after blowing up a tree stump] Wait, here comes the mykia.
Groundskeeper Willie: What's a mykia?
[the stump falls on Skinner's car]
Principal Skinner: My Kia!

Ralph Wiggum: Martin Luther King had a dream. Dreams are where Elmo and Toy Story had a party and I was invited. Yay! My turn is over!
Principal Skinner: One of your best, Ralphie.

"The Simpsons: I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can (#14.12)" (2003)
Bart Simpson: Come on, man, everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank.
Principal Skinner: Well, if by "wank" you mean educational fun, then stand back it's wanking time!

Principal Skinner: [an announcement made in front of the entire school] Due to budget cuts we had to sell the plastic skeleton and replace it with this Halloween costume. Also, the class trip to Italy is now "Spaghetti Night" in the school cafeteria, and your $1500 deposit is non refundable. Goodnight!

"The Simpsons: Homer's Barbershop Quartet (#5.1)" (1993)
[as the Be-Sharps re-unite]
Principal Skinner: I can't remember the last time we were all together.
Apu: Last year, on that stupid Dame Edna special.

[the "Baby on Board" lyrics]
Homer, Apu, Principal Skinner, Barney: Baby on Board/How I've adored/That sign on my car's window pane/The bounce in my step/loaded with pep/'cause I'm driving in the carpool lane/Call me a square/Friend, I don't care/That little yellow sign can't be ignored/I'm telling you, it's mighty nice/Each trip's a trip to paradise/With my baby on board!

"The Simpsons: Yokel Chords (#18.14)" (2007)
Groundskeeper Willie: I'll get those children dead or alive.
Principal Skinner: Alive.
Groundskeeper Willie: Aw, you never let Willie be Willie.

Principal Skinner: Willie. Go get those kids and bring them back!
Groundskeeper Willie: I'll bring 'em back dead or alive!
Principal Skinner: NOT dead.
Groundskeeper Willie: Aww, ya never let Willie be Willie!

"The Simpsons: Grift of the Magi (#11.9)" (1999)
Principal Skinner: [At a meeting, discussing ways to save the school] Now, people, these are all good ideas...
Marge Simpson: No, they're not! They're terrible, terrible ideas!

Dr. Julius Hibbert: How could you close the school?
Marge: What will become of our kids?
Homer Simpson: Where are the refreshments?
Principal Skinner: Now, you keep asking me that and I keep telling you, over there!

"The Simpsons: Take My Life, Please (#20.10)" (2009)
Principal Dondelinger: Uh-oh looks like one of my former students on a quest for truth.

Principal Dondelinger: Now I'm going to sit under that tree and think about all the women I could've talked to but didn't.

"The Simpsons: The Ned-Liest Catch (#22.22)" (2011)
Principal Seymour Skinner: Edna, control your student. He's ruined more school assemblies than the sun in the northern window.
Edna Krabappel: I tried, but he's uncontrollable. Frowny stickers mean nothing to him.

Edna Krabappel: So I get paid to do nothing all day?
Principal Seymour Skinner: I'm afraid it's not that simple.
Superintendent Chalmers: Who's in charge of this meeting, Skinner?
Homer Simpson: [whispers to Marge] I thought I was.

"The Simpsons: Lisa Gets an 'A' (#10.7)" (1998)
Principal Skinner: I've just received some rather unusual news regarding your unprecedented A-triple-plus. To be honest, I'm surprised and saddened. Eh, no, not saddened. What's the word? Ah, yes, delighted!
Lisa Simpson: What?
Principal Skinner: I'm delighted to report that your grade brought the entire school's GPA up to our state's minimum standard. We now qualify for a basic assistance grant. It's the greatest honor the school has ever received, and it's all thanks to you. Your devotion to scholarship is a shining beacon to all who...
Lisa Simpson: Stop it! I cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Chated! Cheated!
Principal Skinner: Lisa, what are you trying to say?
Lisa Simpson: I cheated!

Principal Skinner: Okay everybody let's have a round of applause for the REAL State Comptroller.
[Comptroller Atkins looks back confused and is quickly ushered out by Chalmers]
Superintendent Chalmers: [under his breath] Idiot.

"The Simpsons: The Kid Is Alright (#25.6)" (2013)
Principal Skinner: It's quite a sight watching Lisa Simpson being knocked out of her high horse.
Lisa Simpson: This isn't over.
Principal Skinner: And back on the saddle she goes.

Superintendent Chalmers: That girl's got the election in the bag. I'd bet a baloney sandwich on it.
Principal Skinner: Too rich for my blood, sir.
Superintendent Chalmers: You can fog a mirror, Skinner, but I wouldn't call you alive.

"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Homer: [the Mexican soccer team has the first possession of the ball and is cautiously kicking the ball around, setting up for a goal as the Portugal team stands there, awaiting the play to develop. The crowd quickly grows bored]
Homer: Boring!
Krusty: Come on, you schnorers, do something!
Kent Brockman: [sounding bored as he calls the actions] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it.
[rolls eyes]
Kent Brockman: Holds it...
Foreign-accented sports commentator: [excitedly] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!
Sideshow Mel: I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving!
Moe: Yeah, not before me you ain't.
Ned Flanders: Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone!
Moe: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal!
[puts Flanders into a headlock]
Principal Skinner: Hey, now, that's uncalled for.
Lenny: Shut your hole, Skinner!
[punches Skinner in the stomach which causes him to fall down the stairs]

"The Simpsons: Little Girl in the Big Ten (#13.20)" (2002)
Principal Skinner: Now I will take any questions from Honor Students.
Agnes Skinner: [Agnes shows up at the school knocking a student out of her way] I've got a question. How dare you wear white? I hear what you do at night.
Principal Skinner: Security!
Agnes Skinner: [Two Kids drag Agnes off the school grounds] Get your hands off of me.

"The Simpsons: 500 Keys (#22.21)" (2011)
Nelson Muntz: Little Miss Play-It-Safe, eh? Have a nice day. Just like the day before that...
[starts backing up slowly]
Nelson Muntz: ... and the day before that... and the day before that... and the day before that...
Nelson Muntz: [Through PA system] ... and the day before that... and the day before that...
Principal Seymour Skinner: Nelson, will you just tell everyone the lunch specials?
Nelson Muntz: Sloppy joes! And the day before that... Tater tots! And the day before that...

"The Simpsons: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge (#11.21)" (2000)
Bart: So, any words for the bride and groom?
Principal Skinner: Now now, Bart. I'm trying to urinate.
Bart: You don't seem to be trying very hard.

"The Simpsons: What Animated Women Want (#24.17)" (2013)
Milhouse Van Houten: Who knew having a backbone would make one attractive?
Principal Skinner: Certainly not I, or my suits wouldn't fit.

"The Simpsons: The Scorpion's Tale (#22.15)" (2011)
Principal Seymour Skinner: Move it along, Lisa. We have to go. Milhouse found a hippie skeleton and he's freaking out.
Milhouse Van Houten: Never get off the bus! Never get off the bus!

"The Simpsons: The President Wore Pearls (#15.3)" (2003)
Lisa: The student strike will continue until you restore music and art.
Principal Skinner: What about gym?
Lisa: [dismissive] Eh.

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Iconoclast (#7.16)" (1996)
Mayor Quimby: Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.
Ned Flanders: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye. I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day.
Homer: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders. Gimme that.
[Grabs the bell from him]
Homer: Hear ye. Hear ye. Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world.
Chief Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous.
Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance.

"The Simpsons: Boy Meets Curl (#21.12)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Principal Skinner? This is bogus, man! You know the rules. You need at least two letters and a phone call before a home visit.
Seymour Skinner: Bart, my cargo pants indicate that I'm not here on school business. I'm here on cool business, i.e. curling.

"The Simpsons: Principal Charming (#2.14)" (1991)
Principal Skinner: Gentlemen, according to my sources, you are planning to simultaneously drop your pencils at 2:15 this afternoon. Do so, and you will be suspended.

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Beauty Queen (#4.4)" (1992)
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Principal Skinner, "The Happiest Place on Earth" is a registered Disneyland copyright.
Principal Skinner: Oh now, gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: And it's heading for a great big lawsuit. You made a big mistake, Skinner.
Principal Skinner: Well, so did you. You got an ex-Green Beret mad.
[he finger-thrusts the first goon in the Adam's Apple, then kicks the lawyer in the chest; they both go down groaning; as the second goon runs away, Skinner picks up the lawyer's briefcase and flings it into the air; in the distance, it knocks down the goon]
Principal Skinner: Copyright expired.

"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob Roberts (#6.5)" (1994)
[after Bob's election]
Principal Skinner: Bart, by special order of the Mayor's office, you're being held back.
Bart: Oh, I have to repeat the fourth grade?
Principal Skinner: Yes, but not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten.
Bart: Kindergarten?
Mrs. Krabappel: [pops champagne] Ha!

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Date with Density (#8.7)" (1996)
Principal Seymour Skinner: I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Superintendant Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl.
[everybody laugh]
Principal Seymour Skinner: [chuckles] I guess it is a little funny.

"The Simpsons: Luca$ (#25.17)" (2014)
Principal Skinner: Skate, skate as fast as you can. You can't outrun me, I'm the principal man. That's the kind of thing you could be learning right now.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XX (#21.4)" (2009)
Principal Skinner: Lisa Simpson in detention? My horoscope said I would see something interesting today, but I thought that would be the horoscope itself.

"The Simpsons: Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words (#20.6)" (2008)
Superintendent Chalmers: I'm a bit of a crossword head myself. They help me relax after a day of having to deal with... Skinner!
Principal Seymour Skinner: You called?
Superintendent Chalmers: Made reference.
Principal Seymour Skinner: My mistake.

"The Simpsons: The Good, the Sad and the Drugly (#20.17)" (2009)
Principal Skinner: Lisa, your outburst was either a sign of deep emotional imbalance, or a passionate response to a sobering truth. Luckily the treatment for both is intensive therapy.

"The Simpsons: A Tree Grows in Springfield (#24.6)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: I never win anything. It'll probably be some jerk no one ever heard of.
Principal Skinner: And the winner is...
Homer Simpson: Here it comes.
Principal Skinner: ...Homer Simpson!
Homer Simpson: Get him! I mean... Woo-hoo!

"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Homer (#5.9)" (1993)
[first lines]
Bart: [finishes with his paintbrush] The beauty of it is, each parking space is a mere one foot narrower. Indistinguishable to the naked eye. But therein lies the game.
Milhouse: I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away.
Principal Skinner: Blasted woman, you parked too close! Move your car!
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your mama!
Principal Skinner: Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this.

"The Simpsons: Lost Verizon (#20.2)" (2008)
Principal Skinner: I can't believe I'm out of gas. I put in one dollar of gas and I've only driven ninety cents.
Mrs. Skinner: You had to drive with the windows open, didn't you, Rockefeller?

"The Simpsons: D'oh-in' in the Wind (#10.6)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Hear ye, hear ye! The intergalactic jester proclaims this conformity factory closed!
[Kids cheer and burst out of the school]
Principal Seymour Skinner: 15 years of loyal service and this is how they tell me? A jester with an invisible proclamation?

"The Simpsons: To Surveil, with Love (#21.20)" (2010)
Ms. Dubinsky: We'd like you to join our debate team.
Lisa Simpson: We have a debate team?
Ms. Dubinsky: It's the only extracurricular activity that doesn't require any equipment.
Principal Skinner: Because of budget cuts, we had to improvise. Ralph Wiggum will be your lectern.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a furniture.

"The Simpsons: The Old Man and the 'C' Student (#10.20)" (1999)
Bart Simpson: Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball state, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?
[Bart is about to say something when Skinner Quickly puts his hand over his mouth]
Principal Skinner: Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of Community Service.
[the children walk offstage, groaning and moaning]
Ralph: Intercourse?
Superintendent Chalmers: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.
[Bart looks at Skinner, and Skinner waves his hands "no"]

"The Simpsons: The Monkey Suit (#17.21)" (2006)
Ned Flanders: We want you to teach alternative theories to Darwinian evolution
Principal Skinner: You mean Lamarckian evolution?

"The Simpsons: Blazed and Confused (#26.7)" (2014)
Superintendent Chalmers: And the bad teacher coming to Springfield Elementary is... May God have mercy on our souls. Everybody pray.
Principal Skinner: But this is a public school.
Superintendent Chalmers: I said pray!

"The Simpsons: In Marge We Trust (#8.22)" (1997)
Agnes Skinner: Seymour, tell these people we're going ahead of them.
Principal Skinner: I'm not the principal of the line, mother.
Agnes Skinner: And you never will be.

"The Simpsons: Pork and Burns (#28.11)" (2017)
Principal Skinner: [as his car fills up with Squishee mix] Why did I wear Mother's blouse today?

"The Simpsons: Bart the Genius (#1.2)" (1990)
Principal Seymour Skinner: You there, no chewing gum on school grounds! In the trash can with it.
Martin Prince: Principal Skinner, one of my fellow children is vandalizing school property.
Principal Seymour Skinner: Oh, where?
Martin Prince: Over there sir. See!
Milhouse van Houten: Look out Bart! Here comes Skinner!
Bart: Yikes!

The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)
Principal Skinner: Hoist your flag, soldier.

"The Simpsons: Bart the Murderer (#3.4)" (1991)
Principal Skinner: [just as Bart is to be found guilty for allegedly murdering Principal Skinner, Skinner suddenly barges into the courtroom] I suppose you're all wondering where I've been. It all started a week ago. I was at my desk revising and updating the school dress code when
[in flashback]
Principal Skinner: I was suddenly confronted by a gang of toughs acting on behalf of one Bart Simpson, or so they said.
Louie: [to Skinner] We really think there's promise in the boy.
Principal Skinner: [rising from his desk] Get out!
Fat Tony: Ok. Ok. You don't have to yell.
Principal Skinner: To get my mind off that ugly confrontation I went home and began bundling my old newspapers... but suddenly the pile fell. I was trapped! Let this be a lesson to recycle frequently. For the next week I stayed alive by eating my mother's delicious preserves and maintained my sanity by dribbling a nearby basketball with my one free hand. I made a game of it. Seeing how many times I could bounce the ball in a day, and then trying to break that record. Occasionally, the police arrived to search my home.
Chief Wiggum: Find anything this time boys?
Lou: Nah, no sign of him Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Princess Opal?
Princess Opal: I see nothing here. But I'm afraid it's Splitsville for Delta Burke and Major Dad.
Chief Wiggum: But they seemed so happy.
Principal Skinner: I shouted until I was hoarse, but they couldn't hear me.
Principal Skinner: I'M IN HERE!
Chief Wiggum: Well, let's go.
Eddie: Ok Chief.
Principal Skinner: Finally, I realised if I was ever going to get out of there I would have to do it myself. I formed a crude rocket from a discarded cigar tube and remembering an experiment from my days as a 4th Grade science teacher I concocted a fuel from baking soda and the juice of discarded lemon wedges. The rocket took off with a mighty blast of carbon dioxide dragging behind it the end of a vacuum cleaner cord. I grabbed onto the vacuum cleaner, pushed the cord retractor button, and was on my way to freedom. That's my courageous story.
Prosecuting Attorney: [everyone in the courtroom gives Skinner a round of applause] Your Honour, the prosecution moves that Principal Skinner's testimony be stricken from the record.
Judge Snyder: Denied. Case dismissed.
Lionel Hutz: Your Honour. Do I still get paid?

"The Simpsons: He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs (#19.1)" (2007)
Milhouse van Houten: Principal Skinner, why did we have to leave the Touch and Learn Reptile House so early?
Principal Seymour Skinner: Well, it seems someone was riding the giant tortoise naked.
Otto: It's not my fault. The drinking fountain dared me to do it.

"The Simpsons: Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore (#15.12)" (2004)
[after Milhouse moves out of town, Skinner and Willie are shocked to learn that Bart and Lisa have become best friends]
Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
Groundskeeper Willie: You just made an enemy for life!

"The Simpsons: Marge Simpson in 'Screaming Yellow Honkers' (#10.15)" (1999)
Chalmers: Well, Seymour, it seems we've put together a baseball team, and I'm wondering, who's on first, eh?
Principal Skinner: Not the pronoun, but rather a player with the unlikely name of "Who" is on first.
Chalmers: Well that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds and you've already managed to blow the routine.
[Chalmers storms off]
Chalmers: [muttering under his breath] Sexless freak.

"The Simpsons: The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (#8.25)" (1997)
[Bart is shipped off to military school]
Mrs. Krabappel: [pouring champagne] You dream about this day for so long, then when it comes, you don't know what to say.
Principal Skinner: Edna, your tears say more than words ever could.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#7.1)" (1995)
Seymour Skinner: Now, I did, I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. After the meeting, I rushed to the bathroom to apply my camoflauge make-up...
[Flashback: Skinner is standing in front of the men's room mirror]
Seymour Skinner: Blast!
[turns around, his face is made up like a woman's]
Seymour Skinner: I took mother's make-up kit by mistake!
[Superintendant Chalmers enters]
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh! Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Seymour Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers!
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, my God...
[outside, they hear a gunshot; cut back to the present]
Chief Wiggum: So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?
Seymour Skinner: Oh, yes... But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.

"The Simpsons: New Kids on the Blecch (#12.14)" (2001)
L.T Smash: [watching Bart's Band] Those guys are gonna be huge.
[to Skinner]
L.T Smash: And you tried to get in their way.
Principal Skinner: No I didn't. I even got in early to prepare orange drink.
L.T Smash: Orange drink? What, do you live with your mother?
Principal Skinner: *She* lives with *me*.

"The Simpsons: The Bob Next Door (#21.22)" (2010)
Principal Skinner: Due to budget cuts, we're instituting shorter school hours.
Lisa Simpson: How short?
Superintendant Chalmers: Take 'em home, Otto!

"The Simpsons: Kamp Krusty (#4.1)" (1992)
Principal Skinner: [on the last day of school] Attention all students, this is Principal Skinner. I trust you all remembered to bring in your implements of destruction? Now let's trash this dump!

"The Simpsons: Last Exit to Springfield (#4.17)" (1993)
[inspecting the students before photos]
Principal Skinner: Pat down that cow-lick. Straighten that part! Uncross those eyes, mister.
Cross-Eyed Boy: But I can't.

"The Simpsons: Realty Bites (#9.9)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: Hey, Skinner! Want a drag race?
Principal Skinner: My high school sweetheart was killed in a drag race.
Homer Simpson: Come on, it'll be fun!
Principal Skinner: That's what Debbie Sue said.

"The Simpsons: Black-Eyed, Please (#24.15)" (2013)
Superintendent Chalmers: Mrs. Simpson, this school does not hire bullies.
Principal Skinner: That's right. We...
Superintendent Chalmers: Quiet, nerd!

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Vegetarian (#7.5)" (1995)
Principal Skinner: Uh oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie! Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Groundskeeper Willie: I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself.

"The Simpsons: Wild Barts Can't Be Broken (#10.11)" (1999)
Nelson Muntz: Adults blow.
Bart: Yeah, just look at them over there.
[scene shows Principal Skinner, Mrs. Krabappel and Ms. Hoover standing in the playground]
Milhouse Van Houten: Smoking their cigarettes.
Lisa Simpson: Drinking their coffee.
Bart: Scratching their big butts.
Principal Skinner: [to Bart] Your metabolism will change someday too, young man.
[awkwardly walks backward]

"The Simpsons: $pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (#5.10)" (1993)
Principal Skinner: And now, a special award for those students who obviously had no help at all from their parents, Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum!
[Lisa is wearing the "Florida" costume that Homer made for her; Ralph has a piece of paper with "Idaho" written on it taped to his chest]
Ralph Wiggum: I'm Idaho!
Principal Skinner: Yes, of course you are.

"The Simpsons: Hungry Hungry Homer (#12.15)" (2001)
[Skinner hands Edna Krabappel an ice cream cone]
Mrs. Krabappel: Oh Seymour, you shouldn't have. It's going to go straight to my thighs.
Principal Seymour: Well Edna, it just might have some company.

"The Simpsons: The Daughter Also Rises (#23.13)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: I don't want to be the guy who killed everyone's fun. That's Skinner's job.
Principal Skinner: Don't look at me. I didn't kill everyone's fun, fun killer.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Wedding (#6.19)" (1995)
Principal Skinner: We've just been invited to the wedding of the only one of our students to read at an adult level!
Ms. Hoover: Hmm, it must be Lisa Simpson. Because of course Martin Prince perished in that science fair explosion.
[Pan down to the basement, where a disfigured Martin is seated at an organ, a la "The Phantom of the Opera."]
Martin Prince: Not quite perished, my lady love. Although some days I wish I had.
[plays "A Fifth of Beethoven" on the organ]

"The Simpsons: Ned 'N' Edna's Blend (#23.21)" (2012)
Principal Skinner: My rival.
Superintendent Chalmers: Some rivalry. It's like Secretariat and a can of dog food.

"The Simpsons: The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase (#8.24)" (1997)
Big Daddy: New Orleans is my town. Nobody going to mess with me. I got interests, and I ain't talking about stamp collecting, though I do find that extremely interesting.
Seymour Skinner: Oh yeah, well that makes two of us.

"The Simpsons: YOLO (#25.4)" (2013)
Principal Skinner: They're doing it! They're self-grading.
Superintendent Chalmers: Can't you ever say anything without sounding weird?
Principal Skinner: The answer, sadly, is not yes.

"The Simpsons: Dial 'N' for Nerder (#19.14)" (2008)
Skinner: Martin Prince was known by many names. Martin Priss, Martin Princess, Fartsin Prince, Martin the Brown-Nose Reindeer...
Kearney: That one's mine.

"The Simpsons: This Little Wiggy (#9.18)" (1998)
Principal Skinner: Kids, this is Robbie the Automaton.
Robbie the Automaton: Greetings, Earth children.
Lewis: Where are you from?
Robbie the Automaton: [pause] Earth.

"The Simpsons: Coming to Homerica (#20.21)" (2009)
Superintendent Chalmers: [weakly] Skinner! If I die, I want you to take over...
Principal Seymour Skinner: [pleasantly surprised] Really?
Superintendent Chalmers: ...the search committee for a new superintendent.
Principal Seymour Skinner: [shakes head dejectedly] Mmm...
Superintendent Chalmers: Just hold my head and say soothing things.
[lies down with head on Principal Skinner's leg]
Principal Seymour Skinner: Third grade math scores are holding steady.
[rubs Superintendent Chalmers' head]
Superintendent Chalmers: [contentedly] Aah, yes.

"The Simpsons: Team Homer (#7.12)" (1996)
Principal Skinner: The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flack jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on sporting the MAD slogan "Up with Mini-skirts!". Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right!

"The Simpsons: A Midsummer's Nice Dream (#22.16)" (2011)
Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner! This dessert menu is funnier than you!
Seymour Skinner: Yes, but I'm funnier than the cocktail napkins.
Superintendent Chalmers: They're blank, Seymour.
Seymour Skinner: Yeah, but there are two K sounds in cocktail.
Superintendent Chalmers: [Chuckle] Yes, there are.

"The Simpsons: Teenage Mutant Milk-Caused Hurdles (#27.11)" (2016)
Principal Skinner: Hello, Simpson. I've called you here to gloat.
Bart Simpson: I know about you and Barrera.
Principal Skinner: You mean you know about me and... Carol?
Bart Simpson: You know her first name?
Principal Skinner: Oh, I know her first and middle name. And I know a lot more than that. She likes that little shredded cheese in the salad bar.
Bart Simpson: Pfft! Everyone likes that.
Principal Skinner: Oh, I know even more. I know that she's never seen a single episode of Friends.
Bart Simpson: Not even the one with...
Principal Skinner: No a single one. And she has a cat with different colored eyes. Her name is Bowie.
Bart Simpson: Nooo!
Principal Skinner: Face it, Simpson. You can't compete with me. I can rent a car.

"The Simpsons: Bart's New Friend (#26.11)" (2015)
Superintendent Chalmers: [Seeing a regressed Homer playing Tunnel Tag with the kids] "Is that a grown man going between childrens' legs?" "
Seymour Skinner: Well, there's nothing against it in the rulebook.
Superintendent Chalmers: It's on page one of the rulebook!

"The Simpsons: Chief of Hearts (#21.18)" (2010)
Principal Skinner: Mrs. Simpson, your son Bart is what we educators call a nogoodnik, but lately, things have taken a sinister turn.
Superintendent Chalmers: We fear your son may be dealing drugs.
Marge Simpson: Dealing drugs? But that's impossible! He doesn't have the math skills!

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Skeptic (#9.8)" (1997)
Principal Skinner: [over intercom] Attention. All honor roll students will be rewarded by a trip to an archaeological dig. Also, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.