Waylon Smithers
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Quotes for
Waylon Smithers (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: Homer the Smithers (#7.17)" (1996)
Smithers: Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft.
Homer: Heh, heh, heh! Taft, you old dog!

Smithers: I have to find someone to replace me while I'm gone who won't outshine me. I'll search the employee database under the word "incompetent".
Computer: 715 matches found.
Smithers: 714 names? I'd better narrow the search. Let's see... "lazy", "clumsy", "monstrously ugly".
Computer: Searching... 714 matches found.
Smithers: Nuts to this! I'll just go and get Homer Simpson.

Montgomery Burns: Pull yourself together, man! I dare say you're in need of a long vacation.
Smithers: No! Don't make me take a vacation! Without you, I'll wither and die!
Montgomery Burns: That's a risk I'm willing to take!

Smithers: Your new duties will include answering Mr. Burns' phone, preparing his tax return, moistening his eyeballs, assisting with his chewing and swallowing, lying to Congress, and some light typing.

Homer: Mr. Burns has a mother? She must be a hundred million years old!
Smithers: She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell.

Montgomery Burns: Really, Smithers, I'll be fine. I'm sure your replacement will be able to handle everything. Who is he, anyway?
Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. One of your organ banks from sector 7G. All the recent events of your life have revolved around him in some way.
Montgomery Burns: Simpson, eh?

Homer: [High pitched] Hello, Mr. Burns. This is your mother.
Smithers: [Whispering] No.
Mr. Burns: Guh. Oh, hello, Mater. Uh, sorry about pulling the plug on you and all. Who could have known you'd pull through and live for another five decades? Oh, is my face red!
Smithers: [Whispering] Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more desiccated. And she doesn't call her son Mr. Burns!
Homer: [Raspy] Son, this is Mrs. Burns. I just called to say, I don't love you. You are a bad son, Montel.
Mr. Burns: [Appears beside Homer] So! Impersonate my mother, will you? And you Smithers! You must have put him up to it!

"The Simpsons: $pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (#5.10)" (1993)
[Smithers and Mr. Burns at the Casino]
Smithers: I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.
Mr. Burns: Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

Smithers: [holding a model airplane] We'll take the spruce moose! Hop in!
Smithers: But sir, it's just a mod...
Mr. Burns: [takes out a pistol] I said, "Hop in."

Mr. Burns: Thank you for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.
Henry Kissinger: It was fun.
Smithers: We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.
Henry Kissinger: Yes, well, I'm sure I left them in the car.
Henry Kissinger: No one must know I dropped my glasses in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords.

Mr. Burns: Smithers do you think you could dig up Al Jolson?
Smithers: Ummm... Remember we tried that?
Mr. Burns: Oh right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.

Smithers: Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago.
Mr. Burns: Yeah, well, I've discovered the perfect business: people swarm in, empty their pockets, and scuttle off. Nothing can stop me now -
[paranoid like Howard Hughes]
Mr. Burns: except microscopic germs. But we won't let that happen, will we, Smithers?
Smithers: Uh, no sir.

Mr. Burns: [spraying the monitors with disinfectant] They're all covered with filthy germs, aren't they Smithers?
Smithers: Why, what do you mean, sir?
Germs: [the germs appear lively] Freemasons run the country!
Mr. Burns: Ew!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, I've designed a new plane! I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes!
Smithers: That's quite a nice model, sir.
Mr. Burns: Model?

"The Simpsons: A Star Is Burns (#6.18)" (1995)
Mr. Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg.
Smithers: He's unavailable.
Mr. Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent.

Smithers: Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.
Montgomery Burns: Excellent.
[a policeman wheels Hannibal Lecter in]
Hannibal Lecter: Excellent.
[makes the infamous slurping sound]
Montgomery Burns: Next.
William Shatner: Exc-ell-ent.
Montgomery Burns: Next.
Homer: Exactly.
Homer: D'oh!
Montgomery Burns: [irritated] Next!
Bumblebee Man: ¡Excellente!
Sr. Spielbergo: Es muy bueno.
Montgomery Burns: Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns' film is being booed by the audience] Smithers, are they booing me?
Smithers: Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns".
Mr. Burns: [Stands and faces the audience] Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"?
[the audience boos and throws rubbish at him]
Hans Moleman: I was saying "Boo-urns"!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, are they booing me?
Smithers: Oh, they're not booing you, Sir, they're shouting "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"
Mr. Burns: [to Audience] Are you shouting "Boo!" or "Boo-urns!"?
Audience: Boo!
Hans Moleman: I was shouting "Boo-urns"...

"The Simpsons: Dog of Death (#3.19)" (1992)
Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
Smithers: If *you* did it, sir?

[Mr. Burns sees one of his hounds limping and wheezing]
Mr. Burns: What's wrong with Crippler?
Smithers: Oh, he's getting on, sir. He's been here since the late-'60s.
Mr. Burns: Ah, yes. I'll never forget the day he bagged his first hippie. That young man didn't think it was too "groovy".

Mr. Burns: Now, as an attack dog you'll be expected to neutralize intruders.
Smithers: Wanna buy some cookies? Wanna buy some cookies?
[Santa's Little Helper starts licking Smithers' face]
Mr. Burns: Oh, if that were a real Girl Scout, I'd have been bothered by now.

Smithers: I hate to interrupt your longevity treatment, sir, but there's a sweet little boy at the door.
Mr. Burns: [muffled, from behind the glass] Release the hounds.

"The Simpsons: Homer at the Bat (#3.17)" (1992)
[Mr. Burns made a bet that the plant softball team would beat Shelbyville]
Mr. Burns: I've decided to bring in a few ringers, professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown...
Smithers: Uh, sir?
Mr. Burns: What is it, Smithers?
Smithers: I'm afraid all of those players have retired and, uh... passed on. In fact, your right-fielder has been dead for a hundred and thirty years.

Jose Canseco: So I'll get $50,000 to play one game?
Waylon Smithers: That's right, Mr. Canseco.
Jose Canseco: Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, is it wrong to cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Mr. Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if *I* cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?
Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed?

Mr. Burns: What about Clemens?
Smithers: Sir, he's in no condition to play.
[Clemens flaps his arms and clucks like a chicken]
Mr. Burns: That damned hypnotist!
[to hypnotist]
Mr. Burns: You! Look what you've done. My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken.

"The Simpsons: There's No Disgrace Like Home (#1.4)" (1990)
Mr. Burns: [after seeing Homer give Bart 5 dollars for a kiss] I never saw such an obvious attempt to curry my favor!
Weyland Smithers: Fabulous observation sir, just fabulous!

Weyland Smithers: [watching the city lights flicker on and off] Wow!, somebody's really gobbling up the juice, Sir!
Mr. Burns: Excellent! Excellent! Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as the dodo!

Weyland Smithers: [over PA] Now hear this! The father-son sack race will commence on the north lawn in approximately five minutes. Participation is mandatory - repeat, mandatory! That is all.

Weyland Smithers: [at the start of the sack race] Mr. Burns, are you ready?
Mr. Burns: Yes.
Weyland Smithers: Are you set?
Mr. Burns: Yes.
Weyland Smithers: [whispers] Go, Mr. Burns!
[Burns takes off in a significant head-start before Smithers fires the starting pistol]

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror II (#3.7)" (1991)
[Homer yelps as Smithers and Mr. Burns drag him through a cemetary in a bag]
Smithers: Listen, sir! Did you hear that?
Mr. Burns: [mockingly] No I didn't! What was it? Frankenstein? The booger man?
Smithers: It's the man in the bag, sir! I think he's alive.
Mr. Burns: Oh.
[beats Homer with shovel]
Mr. Burns: Bad corpse! Bad corpse! Stop... scaring... Smithers! Satisfied?
Smithers: Thank you, sir.

Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns transplants Homer's brain into a robot] Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop.
Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?
Mr. Burns: Dammit, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!
[Mr. Burns removes Homer's brain, then puts it atop his own head]
Mr. Burns: Look at me, I'm Davy Crockett!

Homer Simpson: [Mr. Burns performs a lobotomy on Homer without anesthesia] Ow. Ow! OW!
Mr. Burns: Quit complaining! This way I don't have to waste money on morphine! Well Smithers, you were right, he was not dead. I guess I owe you a Coke. And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophany of colligenous cog and camshifts, take that!
[Mr. Burns kicks the robot, which tips and looms over him]
Smithers: Run Sir!
[the robot lands on Mr. Burns, crushing him save for his head]
Mr. Burns: Every bone in my body broken... vital organs leaking fluid... slight headache... loss of appetite... Smithers, I'm going to die.
Smithers: No sir! Is there anything I can do?
Mr. Burns: We have one chance. Go to my office. Second drawer... there is some ether...
Homer Simpson: [Homer awakens, then walks into bathroom to remind himself that it was only a nightmare. When he closes the medicine cabinet, he sees Mr. Burns' head grafted onto him] Aaaaaaaah!
Mr. Burns: Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well my body was crushed, so my head was grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.
Homer Simpson: [hyperventilating] I didn't wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!
Mr. Burns: Oh that's right! It's all a dream! Or is it?
[laughs evilly]

"The Simpsons: I Married Marge (#3.12)" (1991)
Homer: You in charge here?
Mr. Burns: Yes.
Smithers: I'll call security sir.
Homer: If you want the kind of employee that takes abuse I'm your man. You can treat me like dirt and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream.
Mr. Burns: Hold the phone Smithers. I like the cut of your jib.
Smithers: But sir this man not only failed the aptitude test he got trapped in a closet on his way out.
Mr. Burns: I don't care. I haven't been this impressed since a young bootlick named Waylon Smithers.
Homer: You mean?
Mr. Burns: Son you're hired. What's your name?
Homer: Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson eh? I'll remember that name.
Homer: WHOO HOO! Only in America could I get a job.

[Homer's job interview with the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant]
Smithers: Now, let's say that there's something wrong with the reactor...
Homer: There's a problem with the reactor? We're all gonna die!
[Homer runs out, screaming]

Mr. Burns: Who was that young hellcat, Smithers?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#7.1)" (1995)
[Smithers is at the police station after confessing to having shot Mr. Burns]
Smithers: And when he planned to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.
Dr. Colossus: Bah! He was a rank amateur compared to... Dr. Colossus! AH-HA-HA, AH-HA-HA-HAAA...
[Laughing maniacally, he presses a button on his belt, "Colosso-Boots" and the soles of his boots extend at super speed - ramming his head into the ceiling]
Dr. Colossus: OW!
Dr. Colossus: When is my lawyer coming?

[Smithers sits in a confessional]
Smithers: Father, I'm not a Catholic. I tried to march in the St. Patrick's day parade but... anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who...
[breaks down sobbing]
Smithers: Who shot Mr. Burns!
[Chief Wiggum opens the screen and cocks his pistol]
Chief Wiggum: That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.

[Smithers's memory clears, and he realizes he shot Jasper, not Mr. Burns]
Smithers: So, instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man... that's much worse!
Krusty the Clown: About fifty thousand volts worse, if you know what I mean!
[imitates the sounds of an electric chair and sizzling flesh]

"The Simpsons: Mother Simpson (#7.8)" (1995)
Mr. Burns: [in a tanker] I've been waiting 25 years for this moment.
[puts an audio tape in which starts playing Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" but then abruptly changes to ABBA's "Waterloo"]
Waylon Smithers: I'm sorry, sir. I must've taped over that.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, who was that corpse?
Waylon Smithers: [choking up] Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace Sector 7-G.
[normal voice]
Waylon Smithers: I'll cross him off the list.

Joe Friday: Are you sure this is the woman you saw in the post office?
Mr. Burns: Absolutely! Who could forget such a monstrous visage? She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal.
Waylon Smithers: Uh, Sir? Phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago.
Mr. Burns: Of course you'd say that... you have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter!

"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Alien: I bring you love.
Lenny: It's bringing love, don't let it get away!
Carl: Break its legs.
[everyone starts to advance on the alien]
Lisa: Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien.
[Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns in a twisted and disoriented state]
Mr. Burns: [in a high-toned voice] Hello, children. I bring you love.
Willy: Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it!
Smithers: It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns!
Willy: Aww, it's Mr. Burns! KILL IT! KILL IT!

Willy: [shouts] It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it!
Smithers: It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns
Willy: [cooing] Aaw, it's Mr. Burns.
Willy: Kill it! Kill it!

Mr. Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?
Smithers: What?
Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Smithers is on the town.
Smithers: Oh. Of course.

"The Simpsons: Homer Defined (#3.5)" (1991)
Smithers: Sir, they may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on earth socially awkward.

Computer Voice: Warning, problem in Sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: 7-G? Good God, who's the safety inspector there?
Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, sir.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Good man, intelligent?
Smithers: Actually, sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap.
Mr. Burns: [bitterly] Thank you, President Ford.

Mr. Burns: Well, Smithers, I guess there's nothing left to do but kiss my ass good-bye.
Smithers: May I, sir?

"The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (#2.11)" (1991)
[one of the things on Homer's list of things to do before he dies is "Tell off boss". While riding in Barney's car, he happens to spot Mr. Burns sitting on a park bench]
Homer Simpson: [leaning out of the car window as he goes past] Hey, Burns! Eat my shorts!
Mr. Burns: [annoyed] Who the Sam Hill was that?
Smithers: Why, it's... Homer Simpson, sir. One of the schmoes from sector 7G.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? I want him in my office at 9 o'clock Monday morning. We'll see who eats whose shorts.

Mr. Burns: [sitting on a park bench, ogling passing women through binoculars] Smithers, check out the luscious pair on that redhead.
[his POV reveals he's looking at the woman's high-heeled shoes]
Mr. Burns: That's it, baby, work those ankles.
Smithers: Ring-a-ding-ding, sir.

"The Simpsons: The Old Man and the Lisa (#8.21)" (1997)
[Burns learns about the stock market crash of 1929]
Mr. Burns: Oh no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?
Smithers: Well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

[a realtor is showing Bret Hart around Mr. Burns' mansion]
Bret "The Hitman" Hart: Eww. This place has got old man stink.
Mr. Burns: Ooh.
Waylon Smithers: Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.

"The Simpsons: Homer Goes to College (#5.3)" (1993)
Mr. Burns: Remember, your job depends on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing...
Mr. Burns: You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers: Actually, sir, we found the Jade Monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr. Burns: And the road maps, and ice scraper?
Smithers: They were in there, too, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent! It's all falling into place...

Inspector: You're in big trouble, Burns! Homer Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. Now you get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action.
Mr. Burns: Is that so? Well, I have a feeling you'll be... *dropping* the charges.
[He pushes a button on his desk. A trapdoor opens behind the inspectors, who stare at it curiously]
Mr. Burns: Oh?
Smithers: The painters moved your desk, sir.
Mr. Burns: Ah, yes.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
Montgomery Burns: [welcoming the Simpsons via intercom at the front door] Welcome! Please come in...
Montgomery Burns: Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.
Waylon Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.
Montgomery Burns: Oh, son of a bi-
[door opens]

[watching Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor]
Mr. Burns: Hmm... who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.

"The Simpsons: Future-Drama (#16.15)" (2005)
Waylon Smithers: [with a very attractive woman] Sir, you knew I was on a date.
Bart: Mr. Smithers? But I thought you were... you know...
Waylon Smithers: Oh no, I'm straight. As long as I keep taking these shots!
[injects shot into arm]
Waylon Smithers: I love boobies!

Bart: [Smithers walks into the room with a sexy girl at his side] Smithers? I thought you were... ugh... you know!
Smithers: Not as long as I take these injections!
[injects himself]
Smithers: [shouts] I like boobies!

"The Simpsons: Homer's Triple Bypass (#4.11)" (1992)
Mr. Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating... Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?
Smithers: Er... no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.
Mr. Burns: Damn their oily hides!

[Homer collapses in Mr. Burns' office. His spirit begins to rise up from his body]
Smithers: Mr. Burns, I think he's dead.
Mr. Burns: Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow.
Homer Simpson: Mmm... ham.
[Homer's spirit returns to his body]
Smithers: No, wait - he's alive!
Mr. Burns: Oh, good. Cancel the ham!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

"The Simpsons: King Size Homer (#7.7)" (1995)
Mr. Burns: Smithers, what's the name of this gastropod?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of your chair moisteners from Sector 7-G.

[first lines]
[Smithers raps on the men's room door at the power plant]
Smithers: Come on, Simpson! Open up, we know you're in there!
[no answer; Smithers motions to two goons, who break the door down; the bathroom is apparently empty, but Smithers looks carefully, and points to a stall]
Smithers: Hmm... that one.
[the goons kick open the stall, revealing Homer standing in the toilet bowl]
Homer Simpson: Someone's in here!
[as the goons drag him out]
Smithers: Boy, I never saw a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
Smithers: [over the intercom] Principal Skinner, this is a secretary. There's one more student who wishes to speak to you.
Principal Skinner: That strange, I don't have a secretary... or an intercom, but send him in.
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters dressed as a student] Ahoy there, dean. I understand that you're taking suggestions from students. Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking if you were to reinvest that money back into the local energy concern.
Principal Skinner: [clears throat] Mr. Burns...
[Burns exclaims in shock]
Principal Skinner: It was naive of you to think I'd mistake this town's most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students.

Mayor Quimby: People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it.
Quimby's Aide: [Whispers] Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.
Mayor Quimby: Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor.
Smithers: [Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up]
Smithers: Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to... a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!
Doctor Hibbert: Oh, dear God!
Smithers: Eh, it's not that bad. I never miss Pardon My Zinger.
[Ned wraps a blanket around him]
Groundskeeper Willie: Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.
Abe Simpson: Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines.
Crazy Old Man: You bastard!

"The Simpsons: Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk (#3.11)" (1991)
[after selling the plant, Burns is clearing out his office]
Montgomery Burns: Now, Smithers, I know that you've always had your eye on this photo of Elvis and me.
Smithers: He was so good to his mother.
Montgomery Burns: Yes. But, you know, I couldn't understand a word that man said.
[imitating Elvis]
Montgomery Burns: "Mr. Burns..."
[mumbling and muttering]
Montgomery Burns: ...hound dog."
Smithers: [laughing] Stop it, you're killing me!

[practicing from a language tape title "Sycophantic German"]
Smithers: You looken sharpen todayen, Mein Herr.

"The Simpsons: Simpson and Delilah (#2.2)" (1990)
Mr. Burns: [to Homer] Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
Smithers: Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers... I would have said anything to get your stem cells.

Smithers: What do you care if this man's bald?
Karl: My reasons... are my own.

"The Simpsons: Rosebud (#5.4)" (1993)
Smithers: Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns: King Arthur's Excalibur, the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first draft of the constitution with the word "suckers" in it.

Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are going to go far. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones.
Mr. Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.
Joey Ramone: I'd just like to say this gig sucks!
Johnny Ramone: Hey, up yours, Springfield!
Joey Ramone: One, two, three, four!
[the Ramones start playing a tune and singing "Happy Birthday"]
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday to you!
Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: Happy birthday!
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday to you!
Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: Happy birthday!
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday, Burnsey! Happy birthday...
Joey Ramone, Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: ...to you!
Christopher Ward: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Marky Ramone: Hey, I think they liked us.
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't the...
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!

"The Simpsons: The Joy of Sect (#9.13)" (1998)
Mr. Burns: You see me as a God, right, Smithers?
Smithers: Absolutely, sir.
Mr. Burns: You'd kneel before me, wouldn't you?
Smithers: Boy, would I.

Smithers: Actually, thanks to our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay about $3 in taxes a year.
Mr. Burns: $3? We're getting screwed.

"The Simpsons: Bonfire of the Manatees (#17.1)" (2005)
[Homer is missing work, and puts a manatee in charge]
Smithers: I believe that's a manatee posing as Homer Simpson, sir.

"The Simpsons: You Only Move Twice (#8.2)" (1996)
Smithers: What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?

"The Simpsons: Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy (#5.14)" (1994)
Montgomery Burns: [Shirtless, as Smithers's screen saver] Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on.
Waylon Smithers: [to Lisa] Um... you probably should ignore that.

"The Simpsons: Weekend at Burnsie's (#13.16)" (2002)
Mr. Burns: Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron.
[to Homer]
Mr. Burns: Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
Waylon Smithers: Uh, sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers. I would have said anything to get your stem cells.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III (#4.5)" (1992)
Mr. Burns: [Taking Marge on an expedition] What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.

"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
Waylon Smithers: I'm allergic to bee stings, they cause me to... uh... die.

"The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (#18.18)" (2007)
[The Little League team is egging the crowd]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm missing all the fun.
Waylon Smithers: Allow me, sir.
[Lifts Burns over his shoulders]
Mr. Burns: [As he is pelted with eggs] Ah, what glorious goo!

"The Simpsons: Burns' Heir (#5.18)" (1994)
[a stone suddenly crashes through Burns' library glass window, landing at his feet. He picks it up]
Mr. Burns: Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
Waylon Smithers: I think it is a rock, sir.
Mr. Burns: We'll see what the lab has to say about that.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
Montgomery Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV, and the beer supply, I'll be able to ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lifes...
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Montgomery Burns: Mmm, perhaps. Tell you what, we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.

"The Simpsons: Homer Badman (#6.9)" (1994)
Homer: [being hassled by protesters] You people can't stop me from living my life.
[the protesters follow Homer all the way to work]
Woman Rocking Homer: We're not crazy about nuclear power either.
Smithers: You people aren't allowed in here.
[the protesters stop hassling Homer for a moment]
Homer: No, it's OK, they're with me.
[Smithers leaves and the protesters resume hassling Homer]

"The Simpsons: Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield (#7.14)" (1996)
Mr. Burns: Who is that lavatory links man, Smithers?
Waylon Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of the fork and spoon operators from sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle. Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh?
Waylon Smithers: His waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his
[imitating Nixon]
Mr. Burns: "Oh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!"
[Smithers laughs]
Mr. Burns: I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?
Waylon Smithers: Unlikely, sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently.
Mr. Burns: Bah! Schedule a game and I'll ask him myself.

"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Homer (#5.9)" (1993)
Waylon Smithers: [a red warning light begins flashing in Mr.Burns's office] Someone is charging room service to the company, sir!
Montgomery Burns: Well, we'll see about that!
Montgomery Burns: [Burns uncovers a cage full of black monkeys that have tiny wings, and opens it] Fly, my pretties! Fly! Fly!
Montgomery Burns: [the monkeys all leap out Burns's window and instead of flying away, fall like stones to the ground below] Ungh... Continue the research!

"The Simpsons: Stark Raving Dad (#3.1)" (1991)
Montgomery Burns: Why is that man wearing pink? Smithers, who is that?
Waylon Smithers: Homer Simpson, one of your boobs from sector 7-G.
Montgomery Burns: Simpson, eh? Judging from his attire, he must be some kind of free-thinking anarchist.
Waylon Smithers: I'll alert security.
Montgomery Burns: Excellent! These color monitors are already paying for themselves.

"The Simpsons: D'oh-in' in the Wind (#10.6)" (1998)
Montgomery Burns: Ah, lunchtime! Well, let's see what I've packed for myself today. One bullion cube... one Concord grape... one Philly cheese-steak... and a jar of garlic pickles! No one will want to kiss me after these, eh, Smithers?
Waylon Smithers: Well, it's their loss, sir.
Montgomery Burns: [laughs uneasily] Yes.

"The Simpsons: To Surveil, with Love (#21.20)" (2010)
Smithers: Sir, that nuclear waste concealment unit that was supposed to last a thousand years is full.
Mr. Burns: Hmmm. Have you tried stamping it down?
Smithers: It just popped up in another place. We need a place to get rid of this plutonium.
Mr. Burns: Just pick the biggest idiot in the plant and put the plutonium in his bag.
[Sees Homer and his new Duff bag through the surveilance cameras]
Mr. Burns: That's a bingo.

"The Simpsons: Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish' (#7.22)" (1996)
Waylon Smithers: [Smithers and Burns are in a boat, being pursued by Bart and Abe] They're gaining on us sir. We'll have to jettison something.
Waylon Smithers: [Burns give him a hard stare] It's been a pleasure serving you, sir.
[jumps overboard]

"The Simpsons: Mountain of Madness (#8.12)" (1997)
Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, frankly you've been a bit of a pill lately.
Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?

"The Simpsons: Burns, Baby Burns (#8.4)" (1996)
Montgomery Burns: Smithers, take off my belt.
Waylon Smithers: With pleasure, sir.

"The Simpsons: Dark Knight Court (#24.16)" (2013)
Smithers: Shouldn't we call the police?
Mr. Burns: Every last one is on the take. And I should know, I'm the one on the give.

"The Simpsons: Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish (#2.4)" (1990)
Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Pony (#3.8)" (1991)
[Homer goes to the plant credit union to get a loan to buy Lisa a pony]
Homer: Uh, I'd like to borrow $5,000.
Bank Clerk: Sorry, I can't approve a loan that size myself.
[she walks off; Mr. Burns and Smithers appear]
Mr. Burns: Hello.
Homer: Aah!
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? How can I help you?
Homer: Mr. Burns, you do this personally?
Mr. Burns: Oh, it's a hobby. I'm not in this for any personal gain, heavens no! By the way, are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?
Homer: Us-ury?
Mr. Burns: Oh, silly me! I must have just made up a word that doesn't exist. Now, what is the purpose of this loan?
Homer: I want to buy a pony.
Mr. Burns: Isn't that cute! Smithers, he's planning on joining the horsey set!
[lowers voice]
Mr. Burns: That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?
Homer: No, I need to get it for my little girl because she doesn't love me any more...
Smithers: Shut up, Simpson.
Homer: Sorry.
Smithers: Do you have any collateral?
Mr. Burns: Oh Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral. Just sign this form, and the money will be yours.
Mr. Burns: [as Homer begins to sign, Burns starts laughing evilly]
Mr. Burns: Sorry, I was just, um, thinking of something funny Smithers did today.
Smithers: I didn't do anything funny, sir.
Mr. Burns: [whispering] Shut up!

The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)
Smithers: That's Bartman.

"The Simpsons: He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs (#19.1)" (2007)
Waylon Smithers: But what happened to that mini phone I gave you, sir?
Mr. Burns: That was a phone? I thought it was a lemon drop.
[Burns' belly starts to vibrate]
Waylon Smithers: I'll get your last listed number.

"The Simpsons: Them, Robot (#23.17)" (2012)
Mr. Burns: This is the last time I pay for the mortality of the average worker. Smithers, it's time to deploy those kangaroos we've been training.
Smithers: Sir, all they did was use their pouches to steal office supplies.
Mr. Burns: Even the joeys?
Smithers: Sir, there is a more high-tech solution.
Mr. Burns: More high-tech than kangaroos?

"The Simpsons: Mathlete's Feat (#26.22)" (2015)
Mr. Burns: [after a power surge] Was that us?
Waylon Smithers: No, sir.
Mr. Burns: [Chuckles] I love it when it's not us.

"The Simpsons: The Fool Monty (#22.6)" (2010)
Mr. Burns: I haven't a friend in the world.
Smithers: You have me, sir.
Mr. Burns: I pay you, Smithers. A man cannot pay another man to love him.
Smithers: Well, actually...
Mr. Burns: I'll retire to my bed.
Smithers: That's where everyone put their coats.
Mr. Burns: Throw them in my woodchipper and use the remains to wash my car.
[Smithers tosses coats out window and into woodchipper, the shreds going into a bin marked "rags"]
Mr. Burns: Why does everyone hate me?

"The Simpsons: The Color Yellow (#21.13)" (2010)
Colonel Burns: I don't like this new Viennese fad called the waltz. One-two-three, one-two-three... where's the four? There's always a four on music.
Smithers: I'll talk to the conductor to see if he can change the time signature.
Colonel Burns: See that you do.

"The Simpsons: And Maggie Makes Three (#6.13)" (1995)
Homer: Thanks for giving me my job back, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.
Waylon Smithers: Uh, sir, that's the "plaque."
Mr. Burns: Ah, yes, the special de-motivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. For you see, you're here... forever.
[Smithers screws the plaque to the wall]
Mr. Burns: [reading] "Don't Forget - You're Here Forever."

"The Simpsons: Last Exit to Springfield (#4.17)" (1993)
Mr. Burns: Who is that firebrand, Smithers?
Smithers: That's Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.

"The Simpsons: Black-Eyed, Please (#24.15)" (2013)
Ned Flanders: Homer, I'm insisting on a fisting!
Waylon Smithers: What's this about a fisting?

The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
Smithers: [after denting Homer's car] I dented your car, which probably dented my car also. Well, I dented your car.

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Vegetarian (#7.5)" (1995)
Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage. When pigs fly!
[both Burns and Smithers start laughing, but then a pig flies by their window]
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
Mr. Burns: Hmm, no I'd still prefer not.

"The Simpsons: Homerpalooza (#7.24)" (1996)
Mr. Burns: [chuckles] And to think, Smithers: you laughed when I bought TicketMaster. "Nobody's going to pay a 100% service charge."
Waylon Smithers: Well, it's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir.

"The Simpsons: The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants (#23.7)" (2011)
Smithers: [about Homer] Well, as safety inspector he hasn't exactly set the world on fire, although he's come close several times.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Hit by a Car (#2.10)" (1991)
Lenny Leonard: Hey, Simpson, I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy.
Homer: Yeah. If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and...
Waylon Smithers: SIMPSON!
Homer: Aah!
Waylon Smithers: Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!
Homer: Uh-oh!

"The Simpsons: Blood Feud (#2.22)" (1991)
Mr. Burns: Ah, Smithers. How did the beating go?
Smithers: [timidly] Sir, I- there was no beating.
Mr. Burns: What? Well, that's a hell of a thing! Why not?
Smithers: I called it off.
Mr. Burns: [jumps up and points a finger in rage] Judas!

"The Simpsons: Girlie Edition (#9.21)" (1998)
[Burns and Smither have been watching Bart Simpson's human interest story on ducks. Burns is crying]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers: There's no maybe about it, Sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.

"The Simpsons: The Last Traction Hero (#28.9)" (2016)
Waylon Smithers: Oh it's such a pleasure to pour tea for someone, and not have to help him chew it.

"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
Montgomery Burns: [very badly disguised with a fake moustache] Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub. And I come from, uh... someplace far away.
Montgomery Burns: [to himself] Yes, that'll do.
Montgomery Burns: [back to Mayor Quimby] Anyway, I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.
Waylon Smithers: I like the way Snrub thinks.
[everyone looks suspiciously at Mr. Burns, then Smithers fires a rope a the roof, helping Mr. Burns to escape]

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Skeptic (#9.8)" (1997)
[Speaking about the skeleton she found]
Lisa: It could be a mutant from the power plant.
Mr. Burns: That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers - oops, I've said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr. Burns: Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you're done as well.

"The Simpsons: Two Dozen and One Greyhounds (#6.20)" (1995)
Smithers: Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but not completely full, for you see... /
Mr. Burns: Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for, is an outfit that looks good... / See... my... Vest. See my vest. / Made from real gorilla chest. / See this sweater, there's no better, than authentic Irish Setter. / See this hat? 'Twas my cat, / My evening wear vampire bat. / These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino. / Grizzly bear underwear, / Turtle's necks I've got my share. / Beret of Poodle on my noodle I shall rest. / Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two. / See my vest. See my vest. See my vest. / Like my loafers? Former gophers, / It was that or skin my chauffeurs / but a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best. / So let's prepare these dogs...
Mrs. Potts: Kill two for matching clogs.
Mr. Burns: See my vest, see my vest, oh please won't you see... my... Vest! I really like the vest.
Smithers: I gathered, yeah...
Lisa: He's gonna make a tuxedo out of our puppies!
Bart: [still humming the tune] Na na na na na na naa naaaa...
Lisa: Bart!
Bart: Sorry... You gotta admit it's catchy.

"The Simpsons: The Burns and the Bees (#20.8)" (2008)
Mr. Burns: Smithers, who is that man, and why is his enthusiasm not being punished?
Smithers: That's Mark Cuban, the most flamboyant owner in the league.
Mark Cuban: [sliding down a cable while holding sparklers] I'm out of my mind!