No Photo Available
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Jasper Beardly (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)
[last lines]
Marge: [as the car pulls up in front of the house] It's so good to be home again.
Grampa Simpson: [who has somehow become a woman complete with long hair and lipstick, rushes towards the car] Look what happened without my pills!
Marge: [gasps] Bart! Run upstairs, get Grampa's medicine!
Jasper Beardly: [appears, dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
[Jasper takes his hat off and takes out a bunch of flowers and hands them to Abe]
Jasper Beardly: I wanna court this fair young maiden.
[the screen fades out in a heart shape and the credits roll]
Grampa Simpson: [to Jasper] There's something you should know about me.
Jasper Beardly: I've got Steve and Edie tickets.
Grampa Simpson: I'm all yours.
[Abe kisses Jasper]

[alternate ending]
Jasper Beardly: [appears dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
[Jasper takes his hat off and offers a bunch of flowers to Abe]
Jasper Beardly: Hey, wait till the canoe.
[Abe and Jasper are in a canoe sailing down the river]
Jasper Beardly: [singing] It won't be a stylish marriage.
Grampa Simpson: [singing] We can't afford a carriage.
Jasper Beardly: [singing] But you'll look sweet.
Jasper Beardly: [singing] Upon the seat
Jasper Beardly, Grampa Simpson: [singing] of a bicycle built for two. Of a bicycle built for two.

"The Simpsons: Midnight Rx (#16.6)" (2005)
Nurse: Let me explain from behind this cage. Now, your pills have become very expensive and no one could give a rat's ass about you. So after a lot of thought, we decided to let you go cold turkey. For those of you who will survive the night, we'll be having waffles.
Jasper Beardly: Ooh waffles!
Grampa Simpson: I didn't die in World War II just to be pushed around by some pill-hoarding hussy! I'm gonna fight this thing!
Old Jewish Man: Agh, he's crazy, but what are you gonna do? He's young.

"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Jasper Beardley: Is this seat taken, little girl?
Bart Simpson: I'm not a girl! Are you blind?
Jasper Beardley: Yes.

"The Simpsons: The Fight Before Christmas (#22.8)" (2010)
Abe Simpson: Well, it looks like this'll finally kill it.
Jasper: The Simpsons?
Abe Simpson: No, Christmas.

"The Simpsons: The PTA Disbands (#6.21)" (1995)
Jasper: Talking out of turn, that's a paddlin'
Jasper: Lookin' out the window, that's a paddlin'
Jasper: Starin' at my sandals-that's a paddlin'
Jasper: Paddlin' the school canoe-Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'!

"The Simpsons: Bart After Dark (#8.5)" (1996)
Jasper: Are they talking about the bordello?
Grampa: No. The burlesque house, so keep your mouth shut.

"The Simpsons: The Old Man and the 'C' Student (#10.20)" (1999)
Abe: If I get up somebody will take my chair.
Jasper: Got that right. It's the only one with padding.
Seniors: [simultaneously] ... padding.

"The Simpsons: Duffless (#4.16)" (1993)
Homer Simpson: I'm here for the Alc-Anon meeting.
Rev. Lovejoy: Mm-hm. Third door on your left.
[Jasper walks up]
Rev. Lovejoy: Coping with senility?
Jasper: No. I'm here for Microwave Cookery. No, wait.
Jasper: Coping with senility.

"The Simpsons: Bart's Comet (#6.14)" (1995)
Abe Simpson: Sounds like the doomsday whistle! Ain't been blown for nigh onto three years.
Jasper: Tsk, tsk, tsk... trouble abrewing.

"The Simpsons: Homer's Barbershop Quartet (#5.1)" (1993)
Paul Harvey: ...and that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be... Roy Cohn!
Abe Simpson, Jasper: Wow!

"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Maybe (#21.11)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: I can buy a digital converter for you.
Grampa Abraham Simpson: Great! You can use the money we would have given to televangelists.
Lisa Simpson: That's a lot of money. How long has the TV been out?
Jasper: Ten minutes.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets an Elephant (#5.17)" (1994)
Bart: [protesting outside the radio station] I want my elephant! I want my elephant!
Abraham Simpson: They're playing that elephant song again.
Jasper Beardley: I love that. Reminds me of elephants.

"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Jasper: Thank god it's Wednesday.
[takes his pills]
Mrs. Glick: It's Friday.
Jasper: [looks at his empty cup] Uh-oh... wrong pills.
[Jasper sprouts hair until he looks like an old sasquatch]
Jasper: Little help?