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Quotes for
Jasper Beardly (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)
[last lines]
Marge: [as the car pulls up in front of the house] It's so good to be home again.
Grampa Simpson: [who has somehow become a woman complete with long hair and lipstick, rushes towards the car] Look what happened without my pills!
Marge: [gasps] Bart! Run upstairs, get Grampa's medicine!
Jasper Beardly: [appears, dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
[Jasper takes his hat off and takes out a bunch of flowers and hands them to Abe]
Jasper Beardly: I wanna court this fair young maiden.
[the screen fades out in a heart shape and the credits roll]
Grampa Simpson: [to Jasper] There's something you should know about me.
Jasper Beardly: I've got Steve and Edie tickets.
Grampa Simpson: I'm all yours.
[Abe kisses Jasper]

[alternate ending]
Jasper Beardly: [appears dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
[Jasper takes his hat off and offers a bunch of flowers to Abe]
Jasper Beardly: Hey, wait till the canoe.
[Abe and Jasper are in a canoe sailing down the river]
Jasper Beardly: [singing] It won't be a stylish marriage.
Grampa Simpson: [singing] We can't afford a carriage.
Jasper Beardly: [singing] But you'll look sweet.
Jasper Beardly: [singing] Upon the seat
Jasper Beardly, Grampa Simpson: [singing] of a bicycle built for two. Of a bicycle built for two.


"The Simpsons: Midnight Rx (#16.6)" (2005)
Nurse: Let me explain from behind this cage. Now, your pills have become very expensive and no one could give a rat's ass about you. So after a lot of thought, we decided to let you go cold turkey. For those of you who will survive the night, we'll be having waffles.
Jasper Beardly: Ooh waffles!
Grampa Simpson: I didn't die in World War II just to be pushed around by some pill-hoarding hussy! I'm gonna fight this thing!
Old Jewish Man: Agh, he's crazy, but what are you gonna do? He's young.


"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Jasper Beardley: Is this seat taken, little girl?
Bart Simpson: I'm not a girl! Are you blind?
Jasper Beardley: Yes.


"The Simpsons: The Fight Before Christmas (#22.8)" (2010)
Abe Simpson: Well, it looks like this'll finally kill it.
Jasper: The Simpsons?
Abe Simpson: No, Christmas.


"The Simpsons: The PTA Disbands (#6.21)" (1995)
Jasper: Talking out of turn, that's a paddlin'
Jasper: Lookin' out the window, that's a paddlin'
Jasper: Starin' at my sandals-that's a paddlin'
Jasper: Paddlin' the school canoe-Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'!


"The Simpsons: Bart After Dark (#8.5)" (1996)
Jasper: Are they talking about the bordello?
Grampa: No. The burlesque house, so keep your mouth shut.


"The Simpsons: The Old Man and the 'C' Student (#10.20)" (1999)
Abe: If I get up somebody will take my chair.
Jasper: Got that right. It's the only one with padding.
Seniors: [simultaneously] ... padding.


"The Simpsons: Duffless (#4.16)" (1993)
Homer Simpson: I'm here for the Alc-Anon meeting.
Rev. Lovejoy: Mm-hm. Third door on your left.
[Jasper walks up]
Rev. Lovejoy: Coping with senility?
Jasper: No. I'm here for Microwave Cookery. No, wait.
[pause]
Jasper: Coping with senility.


"The Simpsons: Bart's Comet (#6.14)" (1995)
Abe Simpson: Sounds like the doomsday whistle! Ain't been blown for nigh onto three years.
Jasper: Tsk, tsk, tsk... trouble abrewing.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Barbershop Quartet (#5.1)" (1993)
Paul Harvey: ...and that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be... Roy Cohn!
Abe Simpson, Jasper: Wow!


"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Maybe (#21.11)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: I can buy a digital converter for you.
Grampa Abraham Simpson: Great! You can use the money we would have given to televangelists.
Lisa Simpson: That's a lot of money. How long has the TV been out?
Jasper: Ten minutes.


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets an Elephant (#5.17)" (1994)
Bart: [protesting outside the radio station] I want my elephant! I want my elephant!
Abraham Simpson: They're playing that elephant song again.
Jasper Beardley: I love that. Reminds me of elephants.


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Jasper: Thank god it's Wednesday.
[takes his pills]
Mrs. Glick: It's Friday.
Jasper: [looks at his empty cup] Uh-oh... wrong pills.
[Jasper sprouts hair until he looks like an old sasquatch]
Jasper: Little help?