Ned Flanders
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Quotes for
Ned Flanders (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
Ned Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for...
[Homer has already scarfed the donut]
Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?
Ned Flanders: Well, technically no, but...
Homer: I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than the Dev-!
[Flanders turns into a huge demon]
Ned Flanders: You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson!

Lionel Hutz: Very well, but first some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half hour.
Ned Flanders: Agreed! Number two, the jury will be chosen by me!
Lionel Hutz: Agreed... no, wait...
Ned Flanders: Silence!

Ned Flanders: I give you the jury of the damned. Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon...
Richard Nixon: But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
Ned Flanders: Hey listen, I did a favor for you!
Richard Nixon: Yes, Master.
Ned Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, and the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

Homer: Oh, I'd sell my soul for a donut.
Ned Flanders: Well, that can be arranged.
Homer: What? Flanders. You're the devil?
Ned Flanders: Ho-ho, it's always the one you least suspect.

[Flanders opens a hole in the floor to Hell, but Homer gets stuck in it]
Ned Flanders: Your wide behind won't save you this time.

Ned Flanders: I hold here a contract between myself and one Homer Simpson, pledging me his soul for a doughnut, which I delivered. And it was scrum-diddly-umptious!

Ned Flanders: Careful, hot pen!

Ned Flanders: Well, well. Finishing something?

Ned Flanders: [enraged] All right, Simpson. You get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten donut BE FOREVER ON YOUR HEAD!
[Zaps Homer's head]

Ned Flanders: Eh, your wide-behind wont' save you this time! Hey, Bart.
Bart Simpson: Hey.
Lisa Simpson: Wait! Doesn't my father have the right to a fair trial?
Ned Flanders: Oh, you Americans with your due process and fair trials. Huh. This is always so much easier in Mexico.

"The Simpsons: Viva Ned Flanders (#10.10)" (1999)
Ned Flanders: [Notepad in hand] I'm ready to learn, Homer. Just give me the topic sentence.
Homer Simpson: Give me that!
[Throws Ned's notepad out the window]
Homer Simpson: That's your problem. You're living up here.
[Points at head]
Homer Simpson: You should be living down here...
[Lowers finger an inch]
Homer Simpson: ... in the impulse zone.

Ned Flanders: I'll have a Shirley... No, a virgin... No, a children's... Oh, what the heck? You only live once. Give me a white wine spritzer!

Homer Simpson: What if we switched wives? Would that help?
Ned Flanders: For the last time, NO!

Ned Flanders: The lights, the noise, the letter X. It's all designed to inflame the senses. I'm overstimulated. I've gotta get out of this town!

Ned Flanders: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "think?"
Homer Simpson: Who, Lisa?

Ned Flanders: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "Think"?
Homer: You mean Lisa?

Ned Flanders: Gosh darn it! Am I that pre-diddly-ictable?

Homer Simpson: [to Ned Flanders, as he locks the car doors] I think you'll find that escape is quite impossible.
Ned Flanders: [Unlocks the door] No, I got it!

Homer Simpson: Well, well, so flawless Flanders needs help from stinky pants Simpson.
Ned Flanders: Haha, yeah I guess I do.
Homer Simpson: Welly, welly, welly, Mr. Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus McGee
Ned Flanders: How about it Homer, will you teach me the secrets of your intoxicating lust for life?
Homer Simpson: Wellity, wellity, wellity...
Ned Flanders: Stop that! Will you help me or not?
Homer Simpson: Let's do it.

The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Ned Flanders: Thank you, Lord, for this bountiful...
Ned Flanders: [screams]
Ned Flanders: PENIS!
Rod Flanders, Todd Flanders: [devoutly] ... bountiful penis.
Todd Flanders: Amen.

Ned Flanders: Look at that, you can see the four states that border Springfield: Ohio, Nevada, Maine, and Kentucky!
Bart Simpson: Oh yeah.

Ned Flanders: Ok, boys, when you meet Jesus, be sure to call Him Mr. Christ.
Todd Flanders: Will Buddha be there?
Ned Flanders: No.

Todd Flanders: I wish Homer was my father.
Ned Flanders: ...and I wish you didn't have the devil's curly hair.

Ned Flanders: [surprised by the pink mutated multi-eyed squirrel] Well, this certainly seems odd, but, heh, who am I to question the work of the Almighty? Oh, we thank you Lord for this mighty fine intelligent design! Good job!

Ned Flanders: The Good Lord is telling me to confess to something...
Homer Simpson: [whispering hopefully, with his fingers crossed] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay...

Bart Simpson: You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.
Homer Simpson: What kind of fun?
Bart Simpson: How bout a dare contest?
Homer Simpson: That sounds fun. I dare you to... climb the T.V. antennae.
Bart Simpson: [Bart climbs it easily] Piece of cake.
Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the antennae] Earthquake!
[Bart falls off and hangs onto the railing]
Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the railing] Aftershock!
Ned Flanders: Uh, Homer, I don't mean to be a nervis-pervis or anything, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-a-rino?
Homer Simpson: Shut up, Flanders!
Bart Simpson: Yeah, shut up, Flanders!
Homer Simpson: Well said, boy.

Ned Flanders: Bart! Crawl across. Hurry.
Bart Simpson: But if they see you helping us, they'll kill you.
Ned Flanders: I'm sure your father would do the same for...
[Bart just stares at him]
Ned Flanders: Point taken. Now, hustle your bustles.

"The Simpsons: The Greatest Story Ever D'ohed (#21.16)" (2010)
Ned Flanders: Now let us upload the holy Tweet of the Lord.
Agnes Skinner: Stop making this relatable!
Jimbo Jones: Hey! As a youth, if I don't hear a computer word every few seconds, I'm out of here.

Ned Flanders: Homer, our Bible study group is going to the Holy Land. I would like to invite you and your family to come as my guests.
Homer Simpson: Let's see: go to a war zone with a busload of religious lame-os, in a country with no pork and a desert with no casinos. Where do I sign up?
Marge Simpson: Homer, I can hear your sarcasm from inside the house, and the dishwasher is on. What's going on?
Lisa Simpson: Mr. Flanders is inviting us to Israel. I think he's trying to get dad into Heaven.
Bart Simpson: Great, more Hell for me.

Ned Flanders: Homer, could you please turn off the camera?
Homer Simpson: If you ask me like Dracula.
Ned Flanders: Homer...
Homer Simpson: Please, please, please?
Ned Flanders: Blah!
Homer Simpson: [shoots video] That's going on

Homer Simpson: It's so cool here in the Tomb of the Unknown Savior.
Ned Flanders: Unknown? He's the most famous person who ever lived!
Homer Simpson: Porky Pig?
Ned Flanders: Porky Pig isn't a person! He's a pig, and he's not even a real pig!
Homer Simpson: But he is buried here, right?

Homer Simpson: [Preaching at the Dome of the Rock] I will unite the Christians, the Muslims and the Jews. From now on, you shall be known as Chrismujews!
[Crowd murmurs disapprovingly]
Homer Simpson: Because in the end, aren't all religions the same? They tell us what to eat, when to pray, that this lump of clay called Man can somehow shape himself to resemble the divine. But we can never attain that perfect grace if we have hatred in our hearts.
Ned Flanders: I did it. I finally reached him.
Homer Simpson: So let us celebrate our commonalites. Some of us don't eat pork. Some of us don't eat shellfish. But we all eat chicken.
Muslim: I roast it in a haline.
'In a soup, you can boil it': In a soup, you can boil it.
Homer Simpson: So spread the word: peace and chicken!
Crowd: Peace and chicken!

"The Simpsons: Black-Eyed, Please (#24.15)" (2013)
Edna Krabappel: Honey, I know you feel guilty that you cold-cocked Homer.
Ned Flanders: Please don't say that word in bed.

Ned Flanders: I want you hit me in the eye. If you do, we'll be even according to Exodus, Leviticus and Matthew.
Homer Simpson: So you went and hired a law firm, eh?

Ned Flanders: How long has it been since we prayed together, neighbor?
Homer Simpson: This is praying? Get me out of here!

Ned Flanders: [Dreaming of entering his own personal Hell] Was this always waiting for me, or was it put up recently? That's all I wanna know.

Ned Flanders: Homer, I'm insisting on a fisting!
Waylon Smithers: What's this about a fisting?

"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
Ned Flanders: Good luck, Homer. No hard feelings!
Homer Simpson: Not so easy to keep your mouth shut now, is it, Flanders?

Lisa Simpson: What position have you got for me?
[the kids gasps]
Lisa Simpson: That's right. A girl who wants to play football. How about that?
Ned Flanders: Well, thats super-duper, Lisa. We've already got four girls on the team.
Lisa Simpson: You do?
Ned Flanders: Uh huh. But we'd love to have you on board!
Lisa Simpson: Well... football's not really my thing. After all... what kind of civilized person would play a game with the skin of an innocent pig?
Ned Flanders: Well, actually, Lisa, these balls are synthetic!
Janey Powell: And for every ball you buy, a dollar goes to Amnesty International!
Lisa Simpson: [crying] I've gotta go!

Ned Flanders: A little higher, Wendell.
[another throw]
Ned Flanders: A lot higher, Martin.
[another throw]
Ned Flanders: Ralph, that's a basketball...
[next throw hits Flanders hard]
Ned Flanders: OK! Nelson's our quarterback.
Nelson Muntz: Thanks, four-eyes.
Ned Flanders: Ralph, you'll be on special teams.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm special!

Todd Flanders: We don't have to play football, do we, Daddy?1
Ned Flanders: Ho ho ho, you betcha. Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls.
Rod Flanders, Todd Flanders: Yay!

Homer Simpson: [Cat Calling] Flaaaaanders! Flaaaaaaanders!
Ned Flanders: [Agitated] What, what is it?
Homer Simpson: Game's out there, ha ha ha made ya look!

"The Simpsons: Alone Again, Natura-Diddly (#11.14)" (2000)
Ned Flanders: Hi-diddly-ho, petal-to-the-metal-ophiles.
Homer Simpson: Flanders? Since when do you like anything cool?
Ned Flanders: Oh, I don't care for the speed, but I can't get enough of that safety gear - helmets, roll bars, caution flags...
Maude Flanders: I like the fresh air, and looking at the poor people in the infield.
Brandine: Dang, Cletus, why'd you have to park by my parents?
Cletus: Now, honey, they's my parents, too.

Maude Flanders: Neddy, I've had about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll get some hot dogs.
Ned Flanders: No foot-longs!
Maude Flanders: I know, they make you uncomfortable.

Maude Flanders: Neddy, I've had just about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll go get some hot dogs.
Ned Flanders: No foot-longs.
Maude Flanders: I know, they make you uncomfortable.

"The Simpsons: To Surveil, with Love (#21.20)" (2010)
Ned Flanders: Isn't this great? We're like a Jiminy Cricket for the entire town. A half-man, half-bug that knows what's best for everybody.

Homer Simpson: Your nagging has sent all our misbehavior into one small spot, a shining diamond of evil.
Ned Flanders: I guess I did create this, just as God created the Devil.
Homer Simpson: God created the Devil? Finally, He created something cool.
Ned Flanders: I didn't mean to be Big Brother. I just wanted to be little sister, trying to make everyone behave.
Homer Simpson: Well, if you ask me, what you did was playing God.
Ned Flanders: Playing God? But that's the worst kind of sin, for some reason.

Ned Flanders: I'm going from lookie-loo to talkie-too.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XV (#16.1)" (2004)
[Ned sees himself shooting Homer while touching him]
Homer Simpson: So, what I die of? Too much happiness? Naked girl avalalche?
Ned Flanders: Um, you die eating a submarine sandwhich.
Homer Simpson: What kind of bread?
Ned Flanders: Uh, country parmesan?
Homer Simpson: Woo who!

Ned Flanders: Don't worry, kids. I am not going to shoot your father.
Homer Simpson: Flanders? Shoot me?
Homer Simpson: You've never killed anyone and now you're gonna start with the big dog?
Ned Flanders: Homer, don't tempt the gods, er, I mean God. There's one God; only one. Well, sometimes there's three.

[Ned has the ability to foresee one's death]
Ned Flanders: Homer, you will die eating a submarine sandwich.
Homer: What kind of bread is it?
Ned Flanders: Country parmesan.
Homer: Woo-hoo!

"The Simpsons: Pulpit Friction (#24.18)" (2013)
Ned Flanders: At least the bedbugs have forced us back into church.
Lisa Simpson: In the Middle Ages, people gathered into churches to avoid the bubonic plague, but that just made the plague spread even faster.
Ned Flanders: Church!

Bart Simpson: My dad used to hate church, it's what I loved about him. But now he's turn into a fat version of Flanders. No offence.
Ned Flanders: None taken.

Ned Flanders: Jesus doesn't need Twitter to spread his message, he uses leprosy and plagues.

"The Simpsons: Mom and Pop Art (#10.19)" (1999)
Ned Flanders: The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous.
Maude Flanders: Isn't that Homer Simpson?
Ned Flanders: Huh, looks like Heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State.

Homer: [lying in a hammock, sings] You put the beer in the coconut and drink it all up, you put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away.
[the can hits Flanders on the head]
Ned Flanders: Homer.
Homer: [sings] You throw the can away.
[Another can hits Ned]
Ned Flanders: I said, Homer.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)
Ned Flanders: [looking for Homer] Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, "I'm stumped."
Selma: Huh. It's like he just disappeared into fat air.
[she and Patty laugh]

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what's it like in there?
Homer Simpson: Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
Dr. Hibbert: No.
Lisa Simpson: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Marge Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson: No.
Selma: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Ned Flanders: No.
Selma: No.
Prof. John Frink: No.
Reverend Lovejoy: No.
Chief Wiggum: Yes. I mean, I'm a-I mean, no. No.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III (#4.5)" (1992)
[Flanders, a zombie, approaches Homer]
Ned Flanders: Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a might peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?
[Homer kills Flanders by blasting his head apart with a shotgun]
Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders.
Homer: He was a zombie?

[a headless zombie enters the Simpson home, groaning. All the party-goers scream... then Ned Flanders's head pops out of the zombie's neck]
Ned Flanders: Hi, fellow Halloweenies! Did I scarededly-dare you?
Grampa: [gasping, clutching his heart] Ah... gol-durn it!
Bart: Nice try, Mr. Flanders, but I've got a story so scary, you'll wet your pants.
Grampa: Too late.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
Ned Flanders: Just relax, let the hooks do their work.
Homer Simpson: What the hell are you smiling at?

Ned Flanders: Now, incase all that smiling didn't cheer you up, there's one thing that never fails: nice glass of warm milk, a little nap, and a total frontal lobotomy!

"The Simpsons: Tales from the Public Domain (#13.14)" (2002)
Ned Flanders: [as King of Troy, to Homer/Odysseus] Hi, O-diddley-ysseus!

Ned Flanders: [as King of Troy] Now throughout history when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans.

"The Simpsons: Pray Anything (#14.10)" (2003)
Ned Flanders: Gosh, $50,000. I'm donating this whole check to Bibles for Belgians.

Ned Flanders: [after Springfield floods, Ned rides out of his garage on a boat filled with animals] I've got two of every animal, but only males. Don't want any hanky panky.
[Some of the animals start making noise off-screen]
Ned Flanders: Now cut that out.

"The Simpsons: Home Sweet Home-Dum-Diddly Doodily (#7.3)" (1995)
Bart: Wow Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned Flanders: Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!

Ned Flanders: Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents, but now I know you kids need a less hellbound family!
Maude Flanders: Just sit back, and before you know it, you'll be part of the Flanders flock.
Bart: Ha ha! You're going to be Lisa Flanders!
Lisa Simpson: You're going to be "Bart" Flanders.
[Bart screams]
Maude Flanders: Oh, relax, Bart. Your sister Maggie isn't scared.
Bart: That's because she can't talk.
Maggie Simpson: [as she pulls her pacifier out] Daddily doodily!
[Maggie then turns her head around and looks at Bart and Lisa]

"The Simpsons: Home Away from Homer (#16.20)" (2005)
Townspeople: crowd cheers as prostitutes leave Flanders' house after being told off and thrown out by Flanders
Ned Flanders: I can't believe it. Everybody knew this was happening at my house and laughed at me. Well Homer, I guess you're the only true friend I have around here.
Moe: What are you talking about? Homer's the one who informed us of the sexy going-ons.
Homer: I'm sorry Flanders I couldn't tell you. I had to do it. It was just too funny.
Ned Flanders: The bible says to cast thy food upon the waters but all I got was soggy bread.
Homer: Mmm! Soggy bre...
Ned Flanders: Homer, this is not the time for that now.
Homer: ...ead!

Ned Flanders: I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans.

"The Simpsons: Lemon of Troy (#6.24)" (1995)
Ned Flanders: Pardon me, neighbourinos. Some of our boys are lost in your town. You wouldn't have happenned to see them, by any chance?
Shelbyvillian #1: Sounds like Springfield's got a discipline problem.
Shelbyvillian #2: Maybe that's why we beat them at football nearly half the time.

Bart: Eat my shorts, Shelbyville!
Homer, Bart: Eat my shorts!
Ned Flanders: Yes, eat all of our shirts!

"The Simpsons: A Star Is Born Again (#14.13)" (2003)
Ned Flanders: Sir... There's no reason Sarah needs to do this scene in the altogether.
Sara Sloane: Sam, he's got a point. Katherine Hepburn never showed her breasts.
Director: There's still time.

Ned Flanders: I've got a date with a movie star!
Irish Cop: [sarcastically] Sure you do! And I'm going apple picking with Scooby-Doo!

"The Simpsons: Dangerous Curves (#20.5)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: [In a flashback to before they were married, Ned won't let Homer sleep with Marge] But I have urges!
Ned Flanders: That's just your trouser devil talking.
Homer Simpson: He's not talking, he's yelling!

Ned Flanders: Not married? And you were riding two abreast?
Homer Simpson: I wish! We were riding to a lake.

"The Simpsons: The Bart of War (#14.21)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: I didn't know you were such a Beatles fan.
Ned Flanders: Of course I am,! They were bigger than Jesus! But your boy went Yoko and brought up my collection!
Homer Simpson: Look, Marge! I'm Brian Epstein.
[drums his hands on some Beatles bobbleheads and giggles]
Homer Simpson: Now I'm Michael Jackson.
[in falsetto voice]
Homer Simpson: I own all your songs, losers.

Ned Flanders: They were bigger than Jesus.

"The Simpsons: Little Big Mom (#11.10)" (2000)
[Homer starts sliding down the ski slope]
Homer Simpson: Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said...
Ski Instructor: [thought bubble] If you get into any trouble, all you have to do is...
[image changes to Flanders, wiggling his butt]
Ned Flanders: [thought bubble] Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all... nothing at all... nothing at all!...
Homer Simpson: AH! Stupid sexy Flanders.
[Homer's legs slide apart]
Homer Simpson: Ow, my leg! This is the worst pain ever!
[Homer gets repeatedly hit in the crotch by snow mounds]

Ned Flanders: Ouch, that smarts. Boys, get the alcohol-free alcohol.

"The Simpsons: Realty Bites (#9.9)" (1997)
[Marge is showing Maude and Ned the murder house]
Ned Flanders: Oh, my-diddly-eye! Will you look at this place. And the price has been slashed repeatedly.
Maude Flanders: It's sure built solid. The kids could scream bloody murder and no one would hear.
Ned Flanders: Well, I'm just going to spill my guts. I love it to death. I'm going to give you a deposit this minute.

Ned Flanders: We're all so tired that we just want to go to our new home and rest in peace.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIII (#14.1)" (2002)
Ned Flanders: [from The Island of Dr. Hibbert. Homer is milking Flanders who has been turned into a half-man, half-cow] That's nice. You're actually quite gentle when you want to be.
Homer Simpson: You know, you're not helping.

[Flanders has been transformed into a cow by Hibbert]
Ned Flanders: Oh, I'm not asking much, Homer. I just want you to squeeze my teats and harvest my milk.

"The Simpsons: Homer Loves Flanders (#5.16)" (1994)
Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick...
Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but...
Homer: Mmm, sacrilicious.

Maude Flanders: [Fleeing in their car as Homer chases them down the street] Come on, Ned. Move this thing.
Ned Flanders: [Yelling in frustration] I can't! It's a Geo!

"The Simpsons: Replaceable You (#23.4)" (2011)
Ned Flanders: If you have the stones, I can show you how to slay this Gal-iath.
Homer Simpson: Are you aware that stones means man junk?
Ned Flanders: It does? I've been using it around the boys!

Homer Simpson: Oh, Flanders! You're my personal savior!
Ned Flanders: Well, now, I don't approve of...
Homer Simpson: [Bows down] Hail Flanders! Mightier than Jesus!

"The Simpsons: 'Tis the Fifteenth Season (#15.7)" (2003)
Rod Flanders: Are you jealous of Brother Homer?
Ned Flanders: Maybe just a little bit.
Rod Flanders: I'm jealous of girls 'cause they get to wear dresses.
Ned Flanders: One problem at a time, boy.

Homer: I'm just trying to buy that Stairway to Heaven Jesus sang about.
Ned Flanders: That was Led Zeppelin.
Homer: Go back to your bong, hippie!

"The Simpsons: The Ned-Liest Catch (#22.22)" (2011)
Ned Flanders: Is there a volcano erupting in Candyland? 'Cause I just caught me a falling Red Hot.

Edna Krabappel: You're darn lucky to have Ned Flanders as a neighbor.
Ned Flanders: Language.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, language.

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Skeptic (#9.8)" (1997)
Ned Flanders: Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends.

[Discussing Science versus Religion]
Ned Flanders: Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know. Important things.

"The Simpsons: Midnight Rx (#16.6)" (2005)
Ned Flanders: [about coffee from a Thermos] Careful. It's hotter than a Fox News weather skank.

"The Simpsons: Moe Letter Blues (#21.21)" (2010)
Ned Flanders: Marge brought me here to be the little angel on your shoulder to the 400 devils on the other.

"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Nelson Muntz: [after the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon ends] That stunk.
Homer: Well, what did everybody think?
[everyone starts leaving in disgust]
Ned Flanders: Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy & Chimpy I've ever seen.
Carl: Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... got a beautiful home here.
Homer: [to the rest of the Simpson family] So it was pretty okay, huh?
Bart Simpson: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner
Marge Simpson: Yes, we can.
[Marge, Bart and Lisa run upstairs]

"The Simpsons: The Bart Wants What It Wants (#13.11)" (2002)
[At an auction]
Homer: Heh, heh, heh. Watch me burn Flanders.
[picks up sheet]
Homer: Ned Flanders bids 50$.
[evil laugh]
Auctioneer: And the recipient of the 100$ bill is Ned Flanders.
Homer: D'oh!
Ned Flanders: This is going straight to the orphanage.
Homer: D'OH!

"The Simpsons: Mona Leaves-a (#19.19)" (2008)
Apu: She may have been reincarnated into that baby, or that mouse on the nacho cheese.
Ned Flanders: People are not mice!
Apu: Oh, big surprise. Joe Jesus Jr. here to set us all straight.
Ned Flanders: No one comes back as anything, except for Jesus as bread, and that's it.
Homer Simpson: Oh.
[leaves dejected]
Apu: That's the problem with your religion. Everything's a bummer.
Ned Flanders: Even the sing-alongs?
Apu: No, the sing-alongs are fine.

"The Simpsons: Two Bad Neighbors (#7.13)" (1996)
[President Bush has put up a poster on the front of the house with crudely drawn pictures of Homer and Bart on it. It reads 'Two Bad Neighbours']
Dr. Julius Hibbert: [confused] I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbours?
George Bush: [annoyed] No, its not Bar and me. It's them!
[Bush points at the Simpsons' house]
Ned Flanders: Who, Maude and me?
George Bush: No, the man and his boy. Ya know. The boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man.
[calls in to his wife, Barbara]
George Bush: Bar, what's the name of the man?
Barbara Bush: [calling out to George] I'm not getting involved, George!

"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
Ned Flanders: Oh, the network slogan is true. Watch FOX and be damned for all eternity.

"The Simpsons: You Only Move Twice (#8.2)" (1996)
Ned Flanders: Uh, huh-huh... Homer, ah... About those things you borrowed from me over the years, you know, the TV trays, the power sander, the downstairs bathtub... You gonna be... needing those things in Cypress Creek?
Homer: Yes.
Ned Flanders: Oh. Uh...
Homer: [coaches Flanders] Okily dokily...
Ned Flanders: Okily dokily!

"The Simpsons: I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot (#15.9)" (2004)
Ned Flanders: That is one bitching ride.
Rod Flanders: Daddy said a bad word!
Ned Flanders: Oh, lighten up, Roddy.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIII (#24.2)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: If anyone finds this footage after we're dead or missing, remember me as a hero.
Bart Simpson: Dad, you forgot to pick me up from little league!
Lisa Simpson: You threw your car keys in my bean plant!
Homer Simpson: A hero!
Ned Flanders: Homer, is that my camera?
Homer Simpson: Hero away!

"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)
Ned Flanders: Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful day.
Superintendent Chalmers: "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)
Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
Bart: Thanks, Mom.
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba.
Marge: Hmmmmm.
Maggie: [sucks pacifier]
Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney Gumble: [belches]
Nelson: Ha-ha.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
[pause, everyone stares at Lisa]
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?

"The Simpsons: Homie the Clown (#6.15)" (1995)
[gunshot, Flanders is knocked down]
Ned Flanders: Whew, good thing I always keep a Bible next to my...
[second gunshot, Flanders is knocked down again]
Ned Flanders: Whew, luckily I was wearing an extra large piece of the True Cross today. I think I'll go inside.
[as he runs off, a third gunshot spins the head of Homer's pickaxe]
Homer: What keeps doing that?
Fat Tony: I told you we should have bought more than three bullets.

"The Simpsons: Homer vs. the 18th Amendment (#8.18)" (1997)
Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned Flanders: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ildly as char-didily-arged.
Rex Banner: He's not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in.
[Lou and Eddie arrest Ned]

"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Homer: [the Mexican soccer team has the first possession of the ball and is cautiously kicking the ball around, setting up for a goal as the Portugal team stands there, awaiting the play to develop. The crowd quickly grows bored]
Homer: Boring!
Krusty: Come on, you schnorers, do something!
Kent Brockman: [sounding bored as he calls the actions] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it.
[rolls eyes]
Kent Brockman: Holds it...
Foreign-accented sports commentator: [excitedly] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!
Sideshow Mel: I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving!
Moe: Yeah, not before me you ain't.
Ned Flanders: Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone!
Moe: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal!
[puts Flanders into a headlock]
Principal Skinner: Hey, now, that's uncalled for.
Lenny: Shut your hole, Skinner!
[punches Skinner in the stomach which causes him to fall down the stairs]

"The Simpsons: Children of a Lesser Clod (#12.20)" (2001)
Ned Flanders: I'm going to a Christian rock concert.
[holds up two tickets reading "Chris Rock in Concert"]
Ned Flanders: It's gonna be one wholesome evening!

"The Simpsons: MoneyBart (#22.3)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: [answering front door] Hello, Flanders. Don't you have a neighbor on the other side?
Ned Flanders: Indeedily-doodily I do, and I love him just as much as you. It's a Flanders sandwich with great neighbor bread!
Homer Simpson: [groans]

"The Simpsons: Bart of Darkness (#6.1)" (1994)
Bart: [the night after Bart hears a woman scream from Flanders's house, Bart sees Flanders digging a hole in his backyard]
Bart: This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation!
Ned Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer!
Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.
Ned Flanders: I'm a mur-diddly-urdler!
Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

"The Simpsons: A Star Is Burns (#6.18)" (1995)
[filming a re-creation of the story of Moses, the Flanders are alarmed when the river current sweeps Tod away from them]
Tod Flanders: Help meeeeeeeeeee...!
Ned Flanders: [praying] Flanders to God, Flanders to God! Get off your cloud and save my Tod!
[a bolt of lightning hits a tree, knocking it into the river to stop Tod]
Ned Flanders: Thanks, God!
God: [from heaven] Okily-dokily!

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Iconoclast (#7.16)" (1996)
Mayor Quimby: Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.
Ned Flanders: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye. I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day.
Homer: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders. Gimme that.
[Grabs the bell from him]
Homer: Hear ye. Hear ye. Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world.
Chief Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous.
Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance.

"The Simpsons: Worst Episode Ever (#12.11)" (2001)
[Bart and Milhouse are watching a secret tape of police informants]
Ned Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch.
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
Ned Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor.
Bart: It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.

"The Simpsons: Eight Misbehavin' (#11.7)" (1999)
[in the Kwik-E-Mart]
Ned Flanders: Well, morning Apu. How are the little blessing?
Apu: Owhh, they're a ravenous sworm of locusts just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling, and two have cradle rash. How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase?
Ned Flanders: [chuckles] They can be a handful... of joy.
Apu: Shut up!
Ned Flanders: They fill your lives with...
Ned Flanders: [quickly] Can't put a price on a miracle.
Apu: I can't believe you won't shut up!

"The Simpsons: The Devil Wears Nada (#21.5)" (2009)
Ned Flanders: Well, boys, your old man is back on the bean, thanks to Christian prayer and good old doctor Sheldon Lowelstein.

"The Simpsons: Boy Scoutz 'n the Hood (#5.8)" (1993)
[Bart gets involved with the Junior Campers]
Ned Flanders: Hi-di-ly-hey, Camper Bart! You ready for today's meeting?
Bart: [saluting] You know-dilly know it, Neddy!
Ned Flanders: Okily-dokily!

"The Simpsons: The Squirt and the Whale (#21.19)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: [Homer is using fans connected to Flanders' house to power the turbine] Dad, it sort of defeats the whole purpose of using wind power if you power the windmill with electricity from Flanders.
Ned Flanders: Homer, this meeting of your "fan" club is adjourned.
Homer Simpson: But we haven't heard the minutes of our last meeting.
[Flanders disconnects fans]
Homer Simpson: You used to be nicer!

"The Simpsons: The PTA Disbands (#6.21)" (1995)
Ned Flanders: Well, I guess this is a case where we'll have to agree to disagree.
Principal Skinner: I don't agree to that.
Mrs. Krabappel: Neither do I.

"The Simpsons: King of the Hill (#9.23)" (1998)
[Ned is asked to join in a game]
Ned Flanders: Sports on a Sunday? I'd better talk it over with Reverend Lovejo...
Reverned Lovejoy: Just play the damn game, Ned

"The Simpsons: Dog of Death (#3.19)" (1992)
Ned Flanders: So, recycling is just our way of giving Mother Earth a great big hug!
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, it does sound delightful! I can't wait to start pawing through my garbage like some starving raccoon!
[to Smithers]
Mr. Burns: Release the hounds.
[to Flanders]
Mr. Burns: Well, neighbor, I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing.
Ned Flanders: Aaahhhh!
[he sees the hounds coming and runs away]

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Date with Density (#8.7)" (1996)
Ned Flanders: [awakened by the phone ringing] Howdily-diddely.
Homer Simpson: [on the phone via the auto-dialer] Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look...
Ned Flanders: [hangs up] Oh, it's that darn recording again.
Maude Flanders: Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.
Ned Flanders: [Ned turns out the light and the phone rings again] Howdily-di.
Homer Simpson: Greetings, friends.
Ned Flanders: [hangs up] Dang!
Maude Flanders: I told you to unplug the phone.
Ned Flanders: But it could be my mother!
[the phone rings]
Ned Flanders: Howdy...
Homer Simpson: Greetings, friends...
Ned Flanders: [hangs up] Shoot!
Maude Flanders: That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn.
Homer Simpson: [out his window] Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

"The Simpsons: Blame It on Lisa (#13.15)" (2002)
Homer Simpson: Hello, Flanders. I need 100 grand.
Ned Flanders: Well, I don't really have that much, but, uh, if you need it that bad, you'll be in my prayers.
Homer Simpson: Go suck a Bible.

"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)
[getting death threat letters has made Bart paranoid on his way to school]
Marge: [menacingly, with large scissors] Bart... I'm going to GET you...
[brightly, clipping coupons]
Marge: ...some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola.
[Bart walks down the street]
Ned Flanders: [menacingly, wearing a Freddy Kruger razor glove] Say your prayers, Simpson...
Ned Flanders: ...because the schools can't force you like they should.
[to Maude]
Ned Flanders: Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.
[Bart enters class]
Mrs. Krabappel: [menacingly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...
Mrs. Krabappel: our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzy.
[Martin is wearing a dress and a wig, wielding an axe]
Martin Prince: Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart.

"The Simpsons: A Tree Grows in Springfield (#24.6)" (2012)
Ned Flanders: Homer, stop eating the miracle!
Homer Simpson: Fine, I'll just go eat the body of God. That's not crazy.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVIII (#19.5)" (2007)
Ned Flanders: That concludes our Halloween show for this year. I just wanna say that for those watching this network, you are all going to Hell. And that includes FX, Fox Sports, and our newest Devil's portal, the Wall Street Journal. Welcome to the club!

"The Simpsons: The Monkey Suit (#17.21)" (2006)
Ned Flanders: We want you to teach alternative theories to Darwinian evolution
Principal Skinner: You mean Lamarckian evolution?

"The Simpsons: Burns, Baby Burns (#8.4)" (1996)
Ned Flanders: Ho ho ho, suckin' down the cider, uh? Hey, word to the wise...
[shows Homer a card]
Ned Flanders: season pass. It pays for itself after the sixteenth visit. You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do. Now here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella', you've got juice there, fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kinda tricky here...
Homer's Brain: You can stay, but I'm leaving.
[Homer's brain floats away]
Ned Flanders: ...can be yellow, if they're using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.
Ned Flanders: [Homer collapses] Oh my! I'd better get you some cider!

"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
Ned Flanders: [about Homer] He's the kindest, sweetest, most generous guy who ever drove through my living room.

"The Simpsons: The Blue and the Gray (#22.13)" (2011)
Moe Szyslak: Excuse me, is this the seminar where you learn how to pick up chicks?
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, we're certainly not here to learn how to fold napkins.
Ned Flanders: Looks like I came in here for nothing.

"The Simpsons: Dude, Where's My Ranch? (#14.18)" (2003)
Homer Simpson, David Byrne: [singing] He's your peppy, perky, nightmare neighborino!
Homer Simpson: If you despise polite lefthanders...
Ned Flanders: [singing along] Then I doubt you'll like Ned Flanders, or his creepy little offspring Rod and Todd.
Rod Flanders: That's us.
Todd Flanders: Hooray!

"The Simpsons: In Marge We Trust (#8.22)" (1997)
Rev. Lovejoy: [consoling Ned over the phone] Why don't you read your Bible?
Ned Flanders: Which part?
Rev. Lovejoy: It's all good.

"The Simpsons: The Wife Aquatic (#18.10)" (2007)
Ned Flanders: Our G-rated treat tonight is a film from my favorite year... yester.

"The Simpsons: Das Bus (#9.14)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: [reading an envelope in his mailbox] "Flancrest Enterprizses"?
Ned Flanders: Oops. That's for me. Flancrest Enterprises is my home business,
Homer Simpson: You liar! You don't have a home business! Why would you make up a lie like that?
Ned Flanders: No, it's true. Maude and I sell religious hook rugs over the internet.
Homer Simpson: Internet, eh?
Ned Flanders: Yes, indeedy. Making some good scratch too.
Homer Simpson: Scratch, eh?
Ned Flanders: Yep.
Homer Simpson: Maude, eh?

"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)
Rod Flanders: What are you doing, daddy?
Ned Flanders: Imploring some people I never met to pressure a government with better things to do to punish an innocent man for doing something that nobody saw. That's what I'm doing!
Rod Flanders: Daddy, we think you need a new mommy.
Ned Flanders: First things first!

"The Simpsons: Take My Wife, Sleaze (#11.8)" (1999)
Homer Simpson: The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order.
Ned Flanders: I move to reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all
Ned Flanders: , we don't wanna *go* to hell.
Lenny: How 'bout The Devil's Pals.
Ned Flanders: [nervously chuckles] Nuh-no... see...
Moe Szyslak: How about the Christ punchers?
Ned Flanders: The Chri...! I-I don't think you understand my objections.
Homer Simpson: I'm the president and the decision is mine. We're Hell's Satans. Besides, I already made our club jackets.
[Homer hold up a jacket with Hell's Satans imprinted on the back]
Lenny: Ooo, machine wash warm.
Carl: Tumble dry... Oooh lah lah.

"The Simpsons: Trash of the Titans (#9.22)" (1998)
Ned Flanders: [Tiptoeing over the Simpsons' rubbish pile] Easy, Ned. Don't Breath in.
[Some rubbish falls on his head]
Ned Flanders: Ow!
Homer Simpson: Sorry, Ned. I didn't see you down there.
Homer Simpson: [to Bart] Got him.
Ned Flanders: Uh, listen, Homer, I hate to be a Fussy Freddy and all, but Maude's folks are here, and they're a tad touchy about odours.
Homer Simpson: Then you might want to close your windows before the sun hits Diaper Hill.
Rod Flanders: [standing on top of a huge pile of used diapers] Look, Daddy. I'm the king of the mountain!
Ned Flanders: Rod, get off of there!

"The Simpsons: Bart Sells His Soul (#7.4)" (1995)
Girl with Sore Teeth: Unky Moe?
Moe Szyslak: [tries to hide in his anger] What is it, sweetheart?
Girl with Sore Teeth: My sodey is too cold and my teeth hurt.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, your teeth hurt, huh? Your teeth hurt...
[loses it]
Moe Szyslak: Well, that's too freakin' bad, you hear me! And I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' sodey too!
[the entire restaurant gasps]
Tod Flanders: [gets his ears covered] Ow, my freakin' ears!
[Ned and Maude gasp]
Maude Flanders: Oh, let's go, dear!
Ned Flanders: Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's but not here!

"The Simpsons: Them, Robot (#23.17)" (2012)
Ned Flanders: Homer, I believe this is the part in God's plan where you get killed by robots.
Homer Simpson: Oh, Flanders. I don't judge a robot by the color of their eyes. I judge them by what they have in their hands, which have turned into buzzsaws.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets a 'Z' (#21.2)" (2009)
Ned Flanders: One cran bran for the Flan man.
Bart Simpson: Here you go.
Edna Krabappel: What did he ask for?
Bart Simpson: Beats me. I just gave him a banana.

"The Simpsons: Bart the Lover (#3.16)" (1992)
Ned Flanders: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus?
Ned Flanders: No, no, Reverend. The point is, he said a bad word.
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible.
Ned Flanders: Where in the Bible?
Rev. Lovejoy: Uh... page 900.
Ned Flanders: [unconvinced] But, Reverend...
[Rev. Lovejoy quickly hangs up]

"The Simpsons: Dead Putting Society (#2.6)" (1990)
Reverend Lovejoy: Hello, Ned.
Ned Flanders: Reverend, sorry to bother you at this hour, but... I through a man out of my house today. I-I-I feel like I violated Matthew 19:19.
Reverend Lovejoy: Huh?
Ned Flanders: Love thy neighbor.
Reverend Lovejoy: Oooh. Oh. The Matthew 19:19, yeah, right, right.

"The Simpsons: At Long Last Leave (#23.14)" (2012)
Ned Flanders: Make way for Captain Calmhead! Now I like a good witch hunt as much as the next guy, but we shouldn't be so quick to judge our long-time neighbors.
Mayor Quimby: Ned Flanders, we anticipated you being the voice of compassion, so we came prepared with a response.
[Deploys a battering ram that bumps Ned out the door]
Mayor Quimby: Anyone else has a complaint?
Ned Flanders: [Smashed against a car] I retract my... diddly.

"The Simpsons: No Loan Again, Naturally (#20.12)" (2009)
Auctioneer: Do I hear a hundred thousand?
[Mr. Burns lifts his paddle]
Waylon Smithers: Sir, why do you even want this house?
Mr. Burns: I need a place to store my cufflinks.
Auctioneer: Are there any more bids? Hundred thousand going once, going twice...
Ned Flanders: One hundred and one thousand!
Mr. Burns: Pass. I already lifted this thing once. I'm not Hercules.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
Lisa Simpson: [on the phone] Oh, no! That's awful, Mr. Puente. What? Oh, he owns the nuclear power plant. Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash, too.
[hangs up the phone]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns?
Homer: Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank-you card.
Lisa Simpson: Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
[Homer looks at the card and lowers it slowly; his pupils shrink in anger]
Homer: Kids, would you step outside for a second?
[Bart and Lisa run outside as Homer stands up]
Homer: [inhales deeply] F...
[church organ plays a chord, birds fly away and everyone looks at the Simpson house]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!

"The Simpsons: The Man Who Grew Too Much (#25.13)" (2014)
[Flanders finishes reminiscing about Mrs. Krabappel]
Ned Flanders: Aw, I sure am gonna miss that laugh.
Nelson Muntz: Haw haw! I miss her, too.

The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
Homer Simpson: Flanders, give me your first aid kit.
Ned Flanders: Well, I was hoping to save it for Rod and Todd to bandage their brain-eating boo-boos.
Homer Simpson: Just rub a bible on them.
Ned Flanders: Will that work to fend off zombies?
Homer Simpson: Who am I, Doctor Science?
Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely, here's the first aid.
Rod Flanders: Daddy, if the zombies are dead, why aren't they in Heaven?
Todd Flanders: I hope my brain feeds a hungry zombie.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXII (#23.3)" (2011)
Ned Flanders: Springfield, my home town. Pretty little place, although even the Garden of Eden could use a nice cleansing rain now and then.

"The Simpsons: In the Name of the Grandfather (#20.14)" (2009)
Ned Flanders: Guys, could you cool your jets? Some of us are trying to sleep.
Homer Simpson: Why don't you join us, Flanders? Are you afraid to get your moustache wet?
Ned Flanders: Well, actually, yes.
Bart Simpson: Come on, Ned. Baptize your buns.

"The Simpsons: Politically Inept with Homer (#23.10)" (2012)
Ned Flanders: I thought I smelt deadily-ead. What's this?
Ted Nugent: Judging from that moustache, you must be a member of the People's Republic of Berkley.
Ned Flanders: The only thing left-wing about me is my left hand.
[Ted shoots an arrow on his forehead]
Ned Flanders: That's okay, as long as you're not a Mormon.

"The Simpsons: Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes (#20.1)" (2008)
Ned Flanders: Okay, I'll join you Homer, but you must promise me that we will do everything by the book!
Homer Simpson: Then you gotta promise me no diddlies or doodlies!
Ned Flanders: You got yourself a deal-a-roonie!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

"The Simpsons: Trilogy of Error (#12.18)" (2001)
Ned Flanders: Son of a diddily!

"The Simpsons: A Streetcar Named Marge (#4.2)" (1992)
[Marge is rehearsing the musical of A Streetcar Named Desire]
Homer: Marge, your ride is here!
Marge: Homer, it'll just be a few minutes more!
Ned Flanders: You're a dame and I'm a fella!
Marge: Stanley stop, or I'll tell Stella!
Llewellyn Sinclair: Marge, Marge! I am asking you for white hot rage, and you're giving me a hissy fit!
Homer: Marge, can I have some change for the candy machine?
Llewellyn Sinclair: [throwing a load of change on the floor] Oh, HERE!
Homer: Hey, there's some quarters in here!

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets an Elephant (#5.17)" (1994)
[Stampy has just escaped and is running through the Flanders' backyard]
Ned Flanders: It's the four elephants of the apocalypse!
Maude Flanders: That's horsemen, Ned.
Ned Flanders: Well, getting warmer.

"The Simpsons: Mayored to the Mob (#10.9)" (1998)
[about to watch dinner theater]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord, please let tonight's production be better than Othello starring Peter Marshall.

"The Simpsons: Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? (#11.3)" (1999)
Ned Flanders: A rude Frenchman. Why I never.

"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
Lyle Lanely: [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
[points at Ned Flanders]
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanely: What's it called?
Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier: Monorail.
Lyle Lanely: That's right, monorail!
[runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
Crowd: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
[continues underneath those who speak]
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanely: [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanely: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney Gumble: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanely: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanely: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanely: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: [speaking] What's it called?
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: Once again!
Crowd: [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!

"The Simpsons: The Front (#4.19)" (1993)
[the Adventures of Ned Flanders: Love That God]
Todd Flanders: We're not going to church today!
Ned Flanders: *What*? You give me one good reason!
Todd Flanders: It's Saturday!
Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely-doo!

"The Simpsons: The Joy of Sect (#9.13)" (1998)
Groundskeeper Willie: [Homer, Bart and Lisa are tied up in a dark room with only a small dim light on] Oh, you're gonna break like matchsticks, I promise you that.
Ned Flanders: [coming through the door, turns on the big light] Hey, I made some Rice Krispies Squares for our hungry deprogram-erinos.
Groundskeeper Willie: Oh, man! You ruined the atmosphere, you daft pansy!
Ned Flanders: Well, this is my rumpus room.
Groundskeeper Willie: Don't call it that!