Quotes for
Ned Flanders (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Ned Flanders: Thank you, Lord, for this bountiful...
Ned Flanders: [screams]
Ned Flanders: PENIS!
Rod Flanders, Todd Flanders: [devoutly] ... bountiful penis.
Todd Flanders: Amen.

Ned Flanders: Look at that, you can see the four states that border Springfield: Ohio, Nevada, Maine, and Kentucky!
Bart Simpson: Oh yeah.

Ned Flanders: Ok, boys, when you meet Jesus, be sure to call Him Mr. Christ.
Todd Flanders: Will Buddha be there?
Ned Flanders: No.

Todd Flanders: I wish Homer was my father.
Ned Flanders: ...and I wish you didn't have the devil's curly hair.

Ned Flanders: [surprised by the pink mutated multi-eyed squirrel] Well, this certainly seems odd, but, heh, who am I to question the work of the Almighty? Oh, we thank you Lord for this mighty fine intelligent design! Good job!

Ned Flanders: The Good Lord is telling me to confess to something...
Homer Simpson: [whispering hopefully, with his fingers crossed] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay...

Bart Simpson: You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.
Homer Simpson: What kind of fun?
Bart Simpson: How bout a dare contest?
Homer Simpson: That sounds fun! I dare you to... climb the TV antennae!
Bart Simpson: [Bart climbs it easily] Piece of cake.
Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the antennae] Earthquake!
[Bart falls off and hangs onto the railing]
Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the railing] Aftershock!
Ned Flanders: Uh, Homer? I don't mean to be a nervous Pervis, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-erino?
Homer Simpson: Shut up, Flanders!
Bart Simpson: Yeah, shut up, Flanders!
Homer Simpson: Well said, boy!

Ned Flanders: Bart, crawl across on this plank. Quickly!
Bart Simpson: But if they see you helping us, they might kill you too.
Ned Flanders: Oh, pshaw. I'm sure your father would do the same for...
[Bart just stares at him]
Ned Flanders: Point taken. Now hustle your bustles!

---

"The Simpsons: Viva Ned Flanders (#10.10)" (1999)

Ned Flanders: [Notepad in hand] I'm ready to learn, Homer. Just give me the topic sentence.
Homer Simpson: Give me that!
[Throws Ned's notepad out the window]
Homer Simpson: That's your problem. You're living up here.
[Points at head]
Homer Simpson: You should be living down here...
[Lowers finger an inch]
Homer Simpson: ... in the impulse zone.

Ned Flanders: I'll have a Shirley... No, a virgin... No, a children's... Oh, what the heck? You only live once. Give me a white wine spritzer!

Homer Simpson: What if we switched wives? Would that help?
Ned Flanders: For the last time, NO!

Ned Flanders: The lights, the noise, the letter X. It's all designed to inflame the senses. I'm overstimulated. I've gotta get out of this town!

Ned Flanders: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "think?"
Homer Simpson: Who, Lisa?

---

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)

Ned Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for...
[Homer has already scarfed the donut]
Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?
Ned Flanders: Well, technically no, but...
Homer: I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than the Dev-!
[Flanders turns into a huge demon]
Ned Flanders: You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson!

Lionel Hutz: Very well, but first some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half hour.
Ned Flanders: Agreed! Number two, the jury will be chosen by me!
Lionel Hutz: Agreed... no, wait...
Ned Flanders: Silence!

Ned Flanders: I give you the jury of the damned. Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon...
Richard Nixon: But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
Ned Flanders: Hey listen, I did a favor for you.
Richard Nixon: Yes, Master.
Ned Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, and the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

Homer: Oh, I'd sell my soul for a donut.
Ned Flanders: Well, that can be arranged.
Homer: What? Flanders. You're the devil?
Ned Flanders: Ho-ho, it's always the one you least suspect.

---

"The Simpsons: Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily (#7.3)" (1995)

Bart: Wow Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned Flanders: Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!

Ned Flanders: Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents, but now I know you kids need a less hellbound family!
Maude Flanders: Just sit back, and before you know it, you'll be part of the Flanders flock.
Bart: Ha ha! You're going to be Lisa Flanders!
Lisa Simpson: You're going to be "Bart" Flanders.
[Bart screams]
Maude Flanders: Oh, relax, Bart. Your sister Maggie isn't scared.
Bart: That's because she can't talk.
Maggie: [as she pulls her pacifier out] Daddily doodily!
[Maggie then turns her head around and looks at Bart and Lisa]

---

"The Simpsons: Alone Again, Natura-Diddly (#11.14)" (2000)

Ned Flanders: Hi-diddly-ho, petal-to-the-metal-ophiles.
Homer Simpson: Flanders? Since when do you like anything cool?
Ned Flanders: Oh, I don't care for the speed, but I can't get enough of that safety gear - helmets, roll bars, caution flags...
Maude Flanders: I like the fresh air, and looking at the poor people in the infield.
Brandine: Dang, Cletus, why'd you have to park by my parents?
Cletus: Now, honey, they's my parents, too.

Maude Flanders: Neddy, I've had about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll get some hot dogs.
Ned Flanders: No foot-longs!
Maude Flanders: I know, they make you uncomfortable.

---

"The Simpsons: Home Away from Homer (#16.20)" (2005)

Townspeople: crowd cheers as prostitutes leave Flanders' house after being told off and thrown out by Flanders
Ned Flanders: I can't believe it. Everybody knew this was happening at my house and laughed at me. Well Homer, I guess you're the only true friend I have around here.
Moe: What are you talking about? Homer's the one who informed us of the sexy going-ons.
Homer: I'm sorry Flanders I couldn't tell you. I had to do it. It was just too funny.
Ned Flanders: The bible says to cast thy food upon the waters but all I got was soggy bread.
Homer: Mmm! Soggy bre...
Ned Flanders: Homer, this is not the time for that now.
Homer: ...ead!

Ned Flanders: I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans.

---

"The Simpsons: Little Big Mom (#11.10)" (2000)

[Homer starts sliding down the ski slope]
Homer Simpson: Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said...
Ski Instructor: [thought bubble] If you get into any trouble, all you have to do is...
[image changes to Flanders, wiggling his butt]
Ned Flanders: [thought bubble] Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all..... nothing at all... nothing at all!..
Homer Simpson: AH! Stupid sexy Flanders.
[Homer's legs slide apart]
Homer Simpson: Ow, my leg! This is the worst pain ever!
[Homer gets repeatedly hit in the crotch by snow mounds]

Ned Flanders: Ouch, that smarts. Boys, get the alcohol-free alcohol.

---

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XV (#16.1)" (2004)

[Ned sees himself shooting Homer while touching him]
Homer Simpson: So, what I die of? Too much happiness? Naked girl avalalche?
Ned Flanders: Um, you die eating a submarine sandwhich.
Homer Simpson: What kind of bread?
Ned Flanders: Uh, country parmesan?
Homer Simpson: Woo who!

Ned Flanders: Don't worry, kids. I am not going to shoot your father.
Homer Simpson: Flanders? Shoot me?
[Laughs]
Homer Simpson: You've never killed anyone and now you're gonna start with the big dog?
Ned Flanders: Homer, don't tempt the gods, er, I mean God. There's one God; only one. Well, sometimes there's three.

---

"The Simpsons: Realty Bites (#9.9)" (1997)

[Marge is showing Maude and Ned the murder house]
Ned Flanders: Oh, my-diddly-eye! Will you look at this place. And the price has been slashed repeatedly.
Maude Flanders: It's sure built solid. The kids could scream bloody murder and no one would hear.
Ned Flanders: Well, I'm just going to spill my guts. I love it to death. I'm going to give you a deposit this minute.

Ned Flanders: We're all so tired that we just want to go to our new home and rest in peace.

---

"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)

Nelson Muntz: [after the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon ends] That stunk.
Homer: Well, what did everybody think?
[everyone starts leaving in disgust]
Ned Flanders: Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy & Chimpy I've ever seen.
Carl: Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... got a beautiful home here.
Homer: [to the rest of the Simpson family] So it was pretty okay, huh?
Bart Simpson: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner
Marge Simpson: Yes, we can.
[Marge, Bart and Lisa run upstairs]

---

"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)

Rod Flanders: What are you doing, daddy?
Ned Flanders: Imploring some people I never met to pressure a government with better things to do to punish an innocent man for doing something that nobody saw. That's what I'm doing!
Rod Flanders: Daddy, we think you need a new mommy.
Ned Flanders: First things first!

---

"The Simpsons: Take My Wife, Sleaze (#11.8)" (1999)

Homer Simpson: The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order.
Ned Flanders: I move to reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all
[chuckles]
Ned Flanders: , we don't wanna *go* to hell.
Lenny: How 'bout The Devil's Pals.
Ned Flanders: [nervously chuckles] Nuh-no... see...
Moe Szyslak: How about the Christ punchers?
Ned Flanders: The Chri...! I-I don't think you understand my objections.
Homer Simpson: I'm the president and the decision is mine. We're Hell's Satans. Besides, I already made our club jackets.
[Homer hold up a jacket with Hell's Satans imprinted on the back]
Lenny: Ooo, machine wash warm.
Carl: Tumble dry... Oooh lah lah.

---

"The Simpsons: Mona Leaves-a (#19.19)" (2008)

Apu: She may have been reincarnated into that baby, or that mouse on the nacho cheese.
Ned Flanders: People are not mice!
Apu: Oh, big surprise. Joe Jesus Jr. here to set us all straight.
Ned Flanders: No one comes back as anything, except for Jesus as bread, and that's it.
Homer Simpson: Oh.
[leaves dejected]
Apu: That's the problem with your religion. Everything's a bummer.
Ned Flanders: Even the sing-alongs?
Apu: No, the sing-alongs are fine.

---

"The Simpsons: Two Bad Neighbors (#7.13)" (1996)

[President Bush has put up a poster on the front of the house with crudely drawn pictures of Homer and Bart on it. It reads 'Two Bad Neighbours']
Dr. Julius Hibbert: [confused] I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbours?
George Bush: [annoyed] No, its not Bar and me. It's them!
[Bush points at the Simpsons' house]
Ned Flanders: Who, Maude and me?
George Bush: No, the man and his boy. Ya know. The boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man.
[calls in to his wife, Barbara]
George Bush: Bar, what's the name of the man?
Barbara Bush: [calling out to George] I'm not getting involved, George!

---

"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)

Ned Flanders: Oh, the network slogan is true. Watch FOX and be damned for all eternity.

---

"The Simpsons: You Only Move Twice (#8.2)" (1996)

Ned Flanders: Uh, huh-huh... Homer, ah... About those things you borrowed from me over the years, you know, the TV trays, the power sander, the downstairs bathtub... You gonna be... needing those things in Cypress Creek?
Homer: Yes.
Ned Flanders: Oh. Uh...
Homer: [coaches Flanders] Okily dokily...
Ned Flanders: Okily dokily!

---

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Date with Density (#8.7)" (1996)

Ned Flanders: [awakened by the phone ringing] Howdily-diddely.
Homer Simpson: [on the phone via the auto-dialer] Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look.
Ned Flanders: [hangs up] Oh, it's that darn recording again.
Maude Flanders: Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.
Ned Flanders: [Ned turns out the light and the phone rings again] Howdily-di.
Homer Simpson: Greetings, friends.
Ned Flanders: [hangs up] Dang!
Maude Flanders: I told you to unplug the phone.
Ned Flanders: But it could be my mother!
[the phone rings]
Ned Flanders: Howdy...
Homer Simpson: Greetings, friends...
Ned Flanders: [hangs up] Shoot!
Maude Flanders: That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn.
Homer Simpson: [out his window] Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

---

"The Simpsons: Trash of the Titans (#9.22)" (1998)

Ned Flanders: [Tiptoeing over the Simpsons' rubbish pile] Easy, Ned. Don't Breath in.
[Some rubbish falls on his head]
Ned Flanders: Ow!
Homer Simpson: Sorry, Ned. I didn't see you down there.
Homer Simpson: [to Bart] Got him.
Ned Flanders: Uh, listen, Homer, I hate to be a Fussy Freddy and all, but Maude's folks are here, and they're a tad touchy about oders.
Homer Simpson: Then you might want to close your windows before the sun hits Diaper Hill.
Rod Flanders: [standing on top of a huge pile of used diapers] Look, Daddy. I'm the king of the mountain!
Ned Flanders: Rod, get off of there!

---

"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)

Ned Flanders: Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful day.
Superintendent Chalmers: "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion.

---

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)

Ned Flanders: [looking for Homer] Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, "I'm stumped."
Selma: Huh. It's like he just disappeared into fat air.
[she and Patty laugh]

---

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)

Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
Bart: Thanks, Mom.
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba.
Marge: Hmmmmm.
Maggie: [sucks pacifier]
Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney Gumble: [belches]
Nelson: Ha-ha.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
[pause, everyone stares at Lisa]
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?

---

"The Simpsons: Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes (#20.1)" (2008)

Ned Flanders: Okay, I'll join you Homer, but you must promise me that we will do everything by the book!
Homer Simpson: Then you gotta promise me no diddlies or doodlies!
Ned Flanders: You got yourself a deal-a-roonie!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

---

"The Simpsons: Children of a Lesser Clod (#12.20)" (2001)

Ned Flanders: I'm going to a Christian rock concert.
[holds up two tickets reading "Chris Rock in Concert"]
Ned Flanders: It's gonna be one wholesome evening!

---

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III (#4.5)" (1992)

[Flanders, a zombie, approaches Homer]
Ned Flanders: Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a might peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?
[Homer kills Flanders by blasting his head apart with a shotgun]
Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders.
Homer: He was a zombie?

---

"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)

[getting death threat letters has made Bart paranoid on his way to school]
Marge: [menacingly, with large scissors] Bart... I'm going to GET you...
[brightly, clipping coupons]
Marge: ...some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola.
[Bart walks down the street]
Ned Flanders: [menacingly, wearing a Freddy Kruger razor glove] Say your prayers, Simpson...
[brightly]
Ned Flanders: ...because the schools can't force you like they should.
[to Maude]
Ned Flanders: Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.
[Bart enters class]
Mrs. Krabappel: [menacingly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...
[brightly]
Mrs. Krabappel: ...in our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzy.
[Martin is wearing a dress and a wig, wielding an axe]
Martin Prince: Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart.

---

"The Simpsons: Homer Loves Flanders (#5.16)" (1994)

Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick...
Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but...
[bites]
Homer: Mmm, sacrilicious.

---

"The Simpsons: Trilogy of Error (#12.18)" (2001)

Ned Flanders: Son of a diddily!

---

"The Simpsons: A Streetcar Named Marge (#4.2)" (1992)

[Marge is rehearsing the musical of A Streetcar Named Desire]
Homer: Marge, your ride is here!
Marge: Homer, it'll just be a few minutes more!
Ned Flanders: You're a dame and I'm a fella!
Marge: Stanley stop, or I'll tell Stella!
Llewellyn Sinclair: Marge, Marge! I am asking you for white hot rage, and you're giving me a hissy fit!
Homer: Marge, can I have some change for the candy machine?
Llewellyn Sinclair: [throwing a load of change on the floor] Oh, HERE!
Homer: Hey, there's some quarters in here!

---

"The Simpsons: Bart of Darkness (#6.1)" (1994)

Bart: [the night after Bart hears a woman scream from Flanders's house, Bart sees Flanders digging a hole in his backyard]
Bart: This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation!
Ned Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer!
Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.
Ned Flanders: I'm a mur-diddly-urdler!
Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

---

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Iconoclast (#7.16)" (1996)

Mayor Quimby: Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.
Ned Flanders: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye. I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day.
Homer: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders. Gimme that.
[Grabs the bell from him]
Homer: Hear ye. Hear ye. Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world.
Chief Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous.
Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance.

---

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVIII (#19.5)" (2007)

Ned Flanders: That concludes our Halloween show for this year. I just wanna say that for those watching this network, you are all going to Hell. And that includes FX, Fox Sports, and our newest Devil's portal, the Wall Street Journal. Welcome to the club!

---

"The Simpsons: Eight Misbehavin' (#11.7)" (1999)

[in the Kwik-E-Mart]
Ned Flanders: Well, morning Apu. How are the little blessing?
Apu: Owhh, they're a ravenous sworm of locusts just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling, and two have cradle rash. How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase?
Ned Flanders: [chuckles] They can be a handful... of joy.
Apu: Shut up!
Ned Flanders: They fill your lives with...
Apu: SHUT UP!
Ned Flanders: [quickly] Can't put a price on a miracle.
Apu: I can't believe you won't shut up!

---

"The Simpsons: Boy Scoutz 'n the Hood (#5.8)" (1993)

[Bart gets involved with the Junior Campers]
Ned Flanders: Hi-di-ly-hey, Camper Bart! You ready for today's meeting?
Bart: [saluting] You know-dilly know it, Neddy!
Ned Flanders: Okily-dokily!

---

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 1 (#6.25)" (1995)

Lisa Simpson: [on the phone] Oh, no! That's awful, Mr. Puente. What? Oh, he owns the nuclear power plant. Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash, too.
[hangs up the phone]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns?
Homer: Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank-you card.
Lisa Simpson: Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
[Homer looks at the card and lowers it slowly; his pupils shrink in anger]
Homer: Kids, would you step outside for a second?
[Bart and Lisa run outside as Homer stands up]
Homer: [inhales deeply] F...
[church organ plays a chord, birds fly away and everyone looks at the Simpson house]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!

---

"The Simpsons: The Front (#4.19)" (1993)

[the Adventures of Ned Flanders: Love That God]
Todd Flanders: We're not going to church today!
Ned Flanders: *What*? You give me one good reason!
Todd Flanders: It's Saturday!
Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely-doo!

---

"The Simpsons: Tales from the Public Domain (#13.14)" (2002)

Ned Flanders: [as King of Troy, to Homer/Odysseus] Hi, O-diddley-ysseus!

---

The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)

Homer Simpson: Flanders, give me your first aid kit.
Ned Flanders: Well, I was hoping to save it for Rod and Todd to bandage their brain-eating boo-boos.
Homer Simpson: Just rub a bible on them.
Ned Flanders: Will that work to fend off zombies?
Homer Simpson: Who am I, Doctor Science?
Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely, here's the first aid.
Rod Flanders: Daddy, if the zombies are dead, why aren't they in Heaven?
Todd Flanders: I hope my brain feeds a hungry zombie.

---

"The Simpsons: The Joy of Sect (#9.13)" (1998)

Groundskeeper Willie: [Homer, Bart and Lisa are tied up in a dark room with only a small dim light on] Oh, you're gonna break like matchsticks, I promise you that.
Ned Flanders: [coming through the door, turns on the big light] Hey, I made some Rice Krispies Squares for our hungry deprogram-erinos.
Groundskeeper Willie: Oh, man! You ruined the atmosphere, you daft pansy!
Ned Flanders: Well, this is my rumpus room.
Groundskeeper Willie: Don't call it that!

---

"The Simpsons: The Wife Aquatic (#18.10)" (2007)

Ned Flanders: Our G-rated treat tonight is a film from my favorite year... yester.

---

"The Simpsons: Das Bus (#9.14)" (1998)

Homer Simpson: [reading an envelope in his mailbox] "Flancrest Enterprizses"?
Ned Flanders: Oops. That's for me. Flancrest Enterprises is my home business,
Homer Simpson: You liar! You don't have a home business! Why would you make up a lie like that?
Ned Flanders: No, it's true. Maude and I sell religious hook rugs over the internet.
Homer Simpson: Internet, eh?
Ned Flanders: Yes, indeedy. Making some good scratch too.
Homer Simpson: Scratch, eh?
Ned Flanders: Yep.
Homer Simpson: Maude, eh?

---