Rev. Lovejoy
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Quotes for
Rev. Lovejoy (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: Homer the Heretic (#4.3)" (1992)
[on Sunday, the church doors are frozen shut by the blizzard outside; as the congregation waits, Willie applies a blowtorch]
Reverend Lovejoy: How's it going, Willie?
Groundskeeper Willie: Miracles are your department, Reverend!

[on Sunday, the heat in the church has broken down during a blizzard outside]
Reverend Lovejoy: [reading] "... and he was cast into the fiery cauldron of Hell! The searing heat, the scalding rivers of molten sulfur...!"
[the congregation, eyes closed, smile blissfully]
Bart: Ahh... I'm there.

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "The foolish man who built his house upon the sand."
Homer: [pointing a finger] And you remember
Homer: Matthew... 21:17.
Reverend Lovejoy: [confused] "And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?"
Homer: Yeah. Think about it.

Rev. Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu. There are seven hundred million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super.

"The Simpsons: The War of the Simpsons (#2.20)" (1991)
[a la "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"]
Gloria S.: Johnny-boy hasn't been able to cut it, man-wise, for some time, not that I'd want stench of gin and sour defeat pressed against me.
John S.: That's enough, Gloria!
Reverend Lovejoy: John, why don't you speak?
John S.: She never cooks, she doesn't keep a clean house, she
John S.: smokes and she drinks and she talks profanely! She's the queen of the harpies!
Gloria S.: No, I'm not.
John S.: [shouts] Queen of the harpies!
Gloria S.: No, I'm not!
John S.: [shouts] Here's your crown, Your Majesty. Queen of the harpies!
Gloria S.: Get away from me, you swine!

Reverend Lovejoy: We have some new pamphlets available in our church news rack including "Bible Bafflers," "Satan's Boners" and "Good Grief, More Satan's Boners" and for you teens, "It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell."

Marge: [about Homer] He's so self-centered! He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, both religious and secular. He chews with his mouth open. He gambles. He hangs out in a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes!
Homer: [covers his face] Oh, it's all true!
Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, don't interrupt.
Homer: Sorry.
Marge: He blows his nose on the towels and puts them back in the middle!
Homer: I only did that a couple of times!

"The Simpsons: In Marge We Trust (#8.22)" (1997)
Rev. Lovejoy: [Describes being bothered incessantly by Ned Flanders] Eventually, I just gave up and stopped caring. Luckily, by then it was the '80s, and no one noticed.
Marge Simpson: You can't let a few bad experiences put you off helping people!
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, sure I can.

Rev. Lovejoy: [consoling Ned over the phone] Why don't you read your Bible?
Ned Flanders: Which part?
Rev. Lovejoy: It's all good.

Rev. Lovejoy: Say your prayers, you heathen baboons!

"The Simpsons: She of Little Faith (#13.6)" (2001)
Marge: So you're saying that I should bribe Lisa back to Christianity?
Rev. Lovejoy: Sure. You could save a lot more souls with roller-skates and Easy-Bake ovens, than with this.
[lifts Bible]
Rev. Lovejoy: 2000-page sleeping pill.

Marge: So you're saying that I should bribe Lisa back to Christianity?
Rev. Lovejoy: Sure. You could save a lot more souls with roller-skates and Easy-Bake ovens, than with this
[lifts Bible]
Rev. Lovejoy: 2000 page sleeping pill.

"The Simpsons: Alone Again, Natura-Diddly (#11.14)" (2000)
Reverend Lovejoy: In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with memorable catchphrases, or comical accents.
Willie: Aye.
Captain McAllister: Yar.
Frink: Oh, glaven, why, glaven?
Reverend Lovejoy: But, whether you noticed her or not, Maude was always there... and we thought she always would be.

Reverend Lovejoy: My friends, life is about change. Just yesterday, Apu was a lonely bachelor.
Apu: Yes, thank God those days are over.
Reverend Lovejoy: And the Van Houtens were enjoying a storybook marriage.
Kirk Van Houten: Yeah, lots of storybooks have witches.
Pyro: Shut up, Kirk!
Kirk Van Houten: Sorry.

"The Simpsons: Bart's Girlfriend (#6.7)" (1994)
Reverand Lovejoy: [throws Bart out] Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"!
Bart Simpson: [pleading] But-but-but, but-but-but...
Helen Lovejoy: [covering her ears] Make him stop! Make him stop!

Helen Lovejoy: So, Bart. How's school going? Jessica always gets straight A's.
Bart Simpson: Well, in my family grades aren't that important. It's what you *learn* that counts.
Reverand Lovejoy: Six times five. What is it?
Bart Simpson: Um. Actually numbers don't have much use in my future career. Olympic gold medal rocketsled champ!
Helen Lovejoy: Hmm, I didn't know the rocketsled was an Olympic event.
Bart Simpson: Well, no offense lady but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

"The Simpsons: Duffless (#4.16)" (1993)
Rev. Lovejoy: Now Homer, feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here.
Homer: The other day I was so desperate for a beer that I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
Rev. Lovejoy: I cast thee out!

Homer Simpson: I'm here for the Alc-Anon meeting.
Rev. Lovejoy: Mm-hm. Third door on your left.
[Jasper walks up]
Rev. Lovejoy: Coping with senility?
Jasper: No. I'm here for Microwave Cookery. No, wait.
Jasper: Coping with senility.

"The Simpsons: Moe Letter Blues (#21.21)" (2010)
Reverend Lovejoy: Helen and I are as happy as Adam and Eve before Eve munch us all to Hell.

"The Simpsons: The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons (#9.7)" (1997)
[At Apu's wedding]
Marge: Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you've never performed a Hindu ceremony before.
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, Christ is Christ.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)
Dr. Hibbert: Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what's it like in there?
Homer Simpson: Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
Dr. Hibbert: No.
Lisa Simpson: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Marge Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson: No.
Selma: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Ned Flanders: No.
Selma: No.
Prof. John Frink: No.
Reverend Lovejoy: No.
Chief Wiggum: Yes. I mean, I'm a-I mean, no. No.

"The Simpsons: Secrets of a Successful Marriage (#5.22)" (1994)
Reverend Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmmm.
Marge: But isn't that a sin?
Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything is a sin.
[holds up a Bible]
Reverend Lovejoy: Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom.

"The Simpsons: 500 Keys (#22.21)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: I don't get it. I tried to do bad, but I ended up doing good.
Reverend Lovejoy: Haw, haw!

"The Simpsons: What Animated Women Want (#24.17)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: [Finds Helen Lovejoy at a sex shop] The minister's wife? What are you doing here?
Helen Lovejoy: Uh, protesting.
Reverend Lovejoy: [Comes out of a dressing room wearing bondage wear] Is this domineering enough for you?
Helen Lovejoy: Go back to the cowboy thing and wait in the car.
Reverend Lovejoy: Help me out here, Homer.
[Homer laughs uneasily and walks away]

"The Simpsons: Wedding for Disaster (#20.15)" (2009)
Reverend Lovejoy: And so, only two of the Commandments are real, and the other eight are just filler.

"The Simpsons: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star (#16.21)" (2005)
Reverend Lovejoy: [to Father Sean] back off, Popey Le Pew!

"The Simpsons: Home Sweet Home-Dum-Diddly Doodily (#7.3)" (1995)
Reverend Lovejoy: Ned, have you considered any of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.

"The Simpsons: Bart After Dark (#8.5)" (1996)
Rev. Lovejoy: Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.

"The Simpsons: Whacking Day (#4.20)" (1993)
Reverend Timothy Lovejoy: [Reading from his Bible] And the Lord said, "Whack ye all the serpents which crawl upon their bellies, and thy town shall be a beacon unto others." So you see, Lisa, even God Himself endorses Whacking Day.
Lisa: Let me see that.
Reverend Timothy Lovejoy: [Putting his Bible away] No.

"The Simpsons: Missionary: Impossible (#11.15)" (2000)
Homer: [runs into church] Sanctuary. Sanctuary.
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, why did I teach him that word?

"The Simpsons: Marge Gamer (#18.17)" (2007)
Helen Lovejoy: You are so blind, even Jesus couldn't heal you.
Reverend Lovejoy: Helen, please. Don't drop the J-bomb.

"The Simpsons: Bart Sells His Soul (#7.4)" (1995)
Rev. Lovejoy: And now, please rise for our opening hymn "In The Garden Of Eden" by I. Ron Butterfly.
[as the song is playing]
Rev. Lovejoy: Wait a minute... this sounds like rock and/or roll.

"The Simpsons: The Frying Game (#13.21)" (2002)
Marge Simpson: Thank you for coming to comfort us. Even though we're not Catholic.
Catholic Priest: Oh, dear, dear, dear. I hope you have a nice stay in Hell, then.
[Walks serenely away]
Reverend Lovejoy: Nice dress!
Catholic Priest: Oh, why don't you go home and have sex with your wife?
Reverend Lovejoy: Bring it on!
[They start fighting]

"The Simpsons: Bart the Lover (#3.16)" (1992)
Ned Flanders: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus?
Ned Flanders: No, no, Reverend. The point is, he said a bad word.
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible.
Ned Flanders: Where in the Bible?
Rev. Lovejoy: Uh... page 900.
Ned Flanders: [unconvinced] But, Reverend...
[Rev. Lovejoy quickly hangs up]

"The Simpsons: Simpsons Christmas Stories (#17.9)" (2005)
Reverend Lovejoy: Bad news, Ned. There was a train accident.
[Meaning his model train set]
Reverend Lovejoy: So many plastic Christmases ruined.

"The Simpsons: Bart's Comet (#6.14)" (1995)
Lisa: It blew up the bridge! We're doomed!
Homer: It's times like this I wish I were a religious man.
Reverend Lovejoy: [running down the street, crazes] It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer! AAAHHH!

"The Simpsons: $pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (#5.10)" (1993)
Rev. Lovejoy: Once the government approves something, it's no longer immoral!

"The Simpsons: White Christmas Blues (#25.8)" (2013)
Reverend Lovejoy: All these people are going to listen to my sermon.
Helen Lovejoy: Did Saint John worry about the crowd?
Reverend Lovejoy: He wrote letters! Any fool can write letters!

"The Simpsons: Homer Simpson in: 'Kidney Trouble' (#10.8)" (1998)
Marge: Aren't you going to perform the last rites?
Rev. Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance.

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Greek (#3.14)" (1992)
[hardly anyone is in church on Super Bowl Sunday]
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, I'm glad some people could resist the lures of the big game.
[he runs out of church]

"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Rev. Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to earth... and then died... only to be brought back to life again. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy.

"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
Mayor Quimby: Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.
Homer: Get to the money!
Mayor Quimby: In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
Apu: Get to the money!
Rev. Lovejoy: Get to the money!
Grampa Simpson: Get to the moneeey!
Mayor Quimby: Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2million.
Lisa Simpson: Don't you mean $3million?
Mayor Quimby: Of course. How silly of me.

"The Simpsons: The Joy of Sect (#9.13)" (1998)
Reverend Lovejoy: This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Now let's say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate.