Mr. Burns
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Quotes for
Mr. Burns (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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The Simpsons: Road Rage (2001) (VG)
Mr. Burns: I'll be watching you.

[last lines]
Mr. Burns: I've had it with you people complaining about my "scary glowing buses"! I haven't seen a display of civil disobedience this comptemptable since the Summer of love. You want the Transit system back? Then take it! But don't think for a moment, that you've seen the last of Monty Burns!
[Mr. Burns laughes evilly and pulls a switch, opening a trap door]

Mr. Burns: [after you avoid Mr. Burns while chasing you] Steal my passengers, will you? We'll see about that!

Mr. Burns: Steal any of my passengers and you'll pay for it my friend! You'll pay dearly!

Mr. Burns: Another defiant motorist? You'll soon learn your lesson friend!

Mr. Burns: Another driver on the road? Blast your hide to Hades you meddling fool!

Mr. Burns: Well thank you very much Mr. 'I'm too good to ride the bus'! I hope you asphyxiate on your exhaust fumes and die a horrible death!

Mr. Burns: A shiny new donkey to the man who brings me the head of Homer Simpson!

Mr. Burns: Soapbox racers, electric cars. This is a transit town! Not the 1967 World's Fair!

Mr. Burns: You'll rue the day you crossed C. Montgomery Burns!

Mr. Burns: Let the fools have their automobiles, I say!

Mr. Burns: I've seen circus chimps who drive faster than you do!

Mr. Burns: [after ramming the player] I haven't had this much pep since the night I cold-called Calvin Coolidge!

"The Simpsons: Last Exit to Springfield (#4.17)" (1993)
Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: [thinking] My God! He IS coming onto me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.
Mr. Burns: [wink]
Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh!
Homer: [aloud] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

Mr. Burns: Who is that firebrand, Smithers?
Smithers: That's Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.

[Mr. Burns is reminiscing about his grandfather's old Atom Smashing Plant]
Burns' Grandfather: Come on, men! Smash those atoms! You there, turn out your pockets.
[Two goons seize a waifish worker and turn out his pockets]
Burns' Grandfather: Aha - atoms! One, two, three, four... SIX of them! Take him away!
Waif: You can't treat the working man this way! One of these days we'll form a union, and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and become corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Burns' Grandfather: The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Ha ha! Bosh! Flimshaw!
Mr. Burns: Oh, if only we'd listened to that young man, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

Kent Brockman: Now, Mr. Burns, you said you wanted an opening tirade.
Mr. Burns: Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city. No one will be spared. NO ONE.
Kent Brockman: [chuckles] A chilling portrait of things to come.

Mr. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have finished the greatest novel known to man.
[reads a page]
Mr. Burns: All right, let's see... "It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?" You stupid monkey.

Mr. Burns: Now, let's get down to business.
Homer: [thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
Mr. Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking. I want to take the pressure off. Now, it doesn't take a 'whiz' to know that you're looking out for 'Number One'. Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon.

Homer: [thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
Mr. Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to see that you're looking out for Number One.
[as he speaks, there is a leaky pipe dripping in the background, and Smithers pours him coffee from a pot with a long spout]
Mr. Burns: Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon!
[He gestures, knocking his coffee cup and causing some to spill into the saucer]
Homer: Oh, which way to the bathroom?

[doorbell rings]
Homer: Who is it?
Male Voice: Goons.
Homer: Who?
Male Voice: Hired goons.
Homer: [opening door] Hired Goons?
[the goons grab Homer roughly and take him away. One steps back into the doorway and shakes his tie. They take him to Burns' Mansion]
Mr. Burns: Ah, Homer. I hope "Crusher" and "Low Blow" didn't hurt you.
Homer: Y'know, you could have just called me.
Mr. Burns: Oh yes, but the telephone is so impersonal. I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons.
Homer: Hired Goons?

Homer: Which way to the bathroom?
Mr. Burns: Twenty-third door on the left.
Homer: [looking behind each door] Nope... nope... nope... nope

Mr. Burns: Look at them all through the darkness I'm bringing! They're not sad at all, they're actually singing! They sing without juicers! They sing without blenders! They sing without flunjers, capdabblers, and smendlers!

"The Simpsons: American History X-cellent (#21.17)" (2010)
Chief Wiggum: Well, Mr. Burns, care to explain how this miracle of measure and harmony came into your possession?
Mr. Burns: Well, I... You see... Is it a crime to enjoy nice things, and then steal them from a public museum, where any gum-chewing monkey in a Tufts University jacket can come and gawk at them? I think not!

Mr. Burns: [voiceover, as Smithers leaves the prison] This would have been the perfect time for it to start raining. Oh, what the hell? I'm telling the story.
[It starts raining]
Mr. Burns: Hmm, not dramatic enough.
[the rain turns to snow]
Mr. Burns: Frostbite took his nose.
[Smither's nose falls off]
Mr. Burns: Excellent.

Prison Guard: Time for your cavity search.
Mr. Burns: Oh, I haven't had a cavity in over forty years.
Prison Guard: I wasn't talking about your teeth.
Mr. Burns: Nor was I.

Mr. Burns: The plant's first annual Fourth of July company picnic is this upcoming weekend.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
Mr. Burns: No, you misunderstand. The picnic is for me. You will all be spending our Day of Independence slaving away at my mansion under the hot summer sun, without pay, water, or gratitude.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Mr. Burns: Yes, duh-oh indeed.

Mr. Burns: Break a leg, everyone.
[to passing employee, handing him a hammer]
Mr. Burns: I said break a leg.
[Employee breaks own leg with hammer]
Mr. Burns: My God, man! That was a figure of speech. You're fired!

Carl Carlson: Here's you spare ribs, Mr. Burns. Just like you ordered it.
Mr. Burns: Spare ribs, eh? I've played a round of tenpins in my day, and to me, spare reeks of second best. Get me ten frames of strike ribs at once! And you, call my doctor and ask him why I would ask for something so absurd as strike ribs.
Lenny Leonard: Yes, sir.

Mr. Burns: Surprised? Me, C. Montgomery Burns locked up like an animal? How do I came to this puzzling turn of events? I'll explain it, by thinking about it to myself.

Burns' First Cellmate: Hiya, pal! I guess we're just two white-collar criminals.
Mr. Burns: Oh, thank God. I thought you might be a hardened tattooed criminal.
Burns' First Cellmate: Nah, they don't turn out too many of those at Dartmouth.
Mr. Burns: Dartmouth? Guard, get me away from this brute! Get me out this instant!
Burns' First Cellmate: Got my Masters at Virginia, the public Ivy.
Mr. Burns: Guard!

Mr. Burns: Smithers! Sound the alarm! Summon the shire-reeve! Wake the beadle!

"The Simpsons: Burns' Heir (#5.18)" (1994)
Milhouse: [auditioning to become Burns's heir] I have nothing to offer you but my love.
Mr. Burns: I specifically said, no geeks!
Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool!
Nelson: Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
Martin Prince: [singing] Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring, went the bell / Zing, Zing, Zing, went my heartstrings...
[Nelson cold-cocks him]
Mr. Burns: Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

Mr. Burns: All right, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "e," you can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, okay. I'm a good... work... guy...
Mr. Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say it.
Mr. Burns: You will.
[He pulls a lever, dropping Lenny down a trapdoor]

Actor Homer: I do not miss Bart at all.
Actor Marge: I am glad he's gone.
Actress Lisa: As am I.
Actor Homer: [drops sandwich] Boh!
Bart: It's probably my imagination but something about them didn't seem quite right.
Mr. Burns: Really? excuse me for just a moment.
Mr. Burns: [Mr.Burns walks from the control room out into the studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place] People, that was all wrong. Homer Simpson does not say Boh! He says.
[checks script]
Mr. Burns: Doh!
Actor Homer: [taking off a Homer mask to reveal someone who looks suspiciously like Michael Caine] Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some sort of neurological impairment, like "Rain Man" or "Awakenings"? I mean, what the hell am I doing here?
Actor Marge: And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of "Murphy Brown."
Actress Lisa: Hey, we are really getting into golden time here.
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, do it right, or you'll all go back to doing "Come Blow Your Horn" at the Westport Dinner Theater.

[a stone suddenly crashes through Burns' library glass window, landing at his feet. He picks it up]
Mr. Burns: Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
Waylon Smithers: I think it is a rock, sir.
Mr. Burns: We'll see what the lab has to say about that.

[Mr. Burns runs an ad before a movie screening]
Mr. Burns: Hello, I'm Montgomery Burns, and I'm searching for a suitable young heir to leave my fortune to. My vast, vast, vast, *vast* fortune.
Mr. Burns: Vast.
[the audience murmurs excitedly]

[During his cinematic ad, someone offscreen whispers to Burns]
Mr. Burns: Oh, for God's... very well.
[singing and dancing]
Mr. Burns: Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, get ourselves some snacks!

[a rock flies through Mr. Burns' office window]
Mr. Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

Mr. Burns: Next.

"The Simpsons: Homer the Smithers (#7.17)" (1996)
Moe Szyslak: [Mr. Burns has sent Smithers on vacation. Deciding he needs him back, he tries to call him, but, not knowing how to use a telephone, he simply dials the name S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. It turns out he has dialed Moe's Tavern] Moe's Tavern.
Montgomery Burns: Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon?
Moe Szyslak: [Thinking it is a crank call] Oh, Waylon Smithers, huh? Listen to me, you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove'em down your pants! So you can watch me kick the crap of out you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

Homer Simpson: Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."
Homer Simpson: [Phone Rings] Y'ello, Mr. Burns Office?
Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?

Mr. Burns: I'll have my lunch now: a single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct...
Mr. Burns: Get going. And answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.

Montgomery Burns: Donuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food!

Montgomery Burns: Pull yourself together, man! I dare say you're in need of a long vacation.
Smithers: No! Don't make me take a vacation! Without you, I'll wither and die!
Montgomery Burns: That's a risk I'm willing to take!

Montgomery Burns: Really, Smithers, I'll be fine. I'm sure your replacement will be able to handle everything. Who is he, anyway?
Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. One of your organ banks from sector 7G. All the recent events of your life have revolved around him in some way.
Montgomery Burns: Simpson, eh?

Homer: [High pitched] Hello, Mr. Burns. This is your mother.
Smithers: [Whispering] No.
Mr. Burns: Guh. Oh, hello, Mater. Uh, sorry about pulling the plug on you and all. Who could have known you'd pull through and live for another five decades? Oh, is my face red!
Smithers: [Whispering] Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more desiccated. And she doesn't call her son Mr. Burns!
Homer: [Raspy] Son, this is Mrs. Burns. I just called to say, I don't love you. You are a bad son, Montel.
Mr. Burns: [Appears beside Homer] So! Impersonate my mother, will you? And you Smithers! You must have put him up to it!

Montgomery Burns: Get going! And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.
Homer: [taking notes] Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the... things. Uh... the things?
[Burns looks at him meanly]

"The Simpsons: $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (#5.10)" (1993)
[Smithers and Mr. Burns at the Casino]
Smithers: I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.
Mr. Burns: Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

Smithers: [holding a model airplane] We'll take the spruce moose! Hop in!
Smithers: But sir, it's just a mod...
Mr. Burns: [takes out a pistol] I said, "Hop in."

Mr. Burns: Thank you for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.
Henry Kissinger: It was fun.
Smithers: We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.
Henry Kissinger: Yes, well, I'm sure I left them in the car.
Henry Kissinger: No one must know I dropped my glasses in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords.

Captain McAllister: [pitching an idea to Burns with a painting of a ship] I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail 'round the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.
Mr. Burns: We're building a casino!
Captain McAllister: Arr... can you give me five minutes?

Mr. Burns: Smithers do you think you could dig up Al Jolson?
Smithers: Ummm... Remember we tried that?
Mr. Burns: Oh right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.

Smithers: Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago.
Mr. Burns: Yeah, well, I've discovered the perfect business: people swarm in, empty their pockets, and scuttle off. Nothing can stop me now -
[paranoid like Howard Hughes]
Mr. Burns: except microscopic germs. But we won't let that happen, will we, Smithers?
Smithers: Uh, no sir.

Mr. Burns: [spraying the monitors with disinfectant] They're all covered with filthy germs, aren't they Smithers?
Smithers: Why, what do you mean, sir?
Germs: [the germs appear lively] Freemasons run the country!
Mr. Burns: Ew!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, I've designed a new plane! I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes!
Smithers: That's quite a nice model, sir.
Mr. Burns: Model?

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One (#6.25)" (1995)
Homer: [gets a package that has to be sent out but returns it to Mr. Burn's office] Here's your package, Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns: My name is the return address! Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
Homer: [thinking] I've worked here for 10 years and my boss doesn't even know my name! Well, that's going to change right now!
Homer: My name is Homer J. Simp...
[Homer gets hit on the head with a weight that says 1000 Grams]
Mr. Burns: Hm, sounded large when I ordered it. I don't think I should bother with these metric booby traps!

Mr. Burns: Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about?
[pause, then a gasp]
Mr. Burns: I see. I think you'd better drop it. I said... drop it!
[grunts of a struggle]
Mr. Burns: Get... your... hands... off!
Marge Simpson: Where is everyone?

[after a gunshot is heard, Burns staggers out of the alley, clutching a bleeding wound in his chest]
Jimbo Jones: Hey, man. Are you okay?
Mr. Burns: Won't... dignify that... with response.
[collapses on the sundial]

Mr. Burns: Have you ever seen the sun set at 3pm?
Sea Captain: Aye, once. When I was sailing 'round the Arctic...
Mr. Burns: Shut up, you. Take one last look at the sun, Springfield!
[activates the Sunblocker]

Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I shall do the next best thing: block it out.

Smithers: [over the intercom] Principal Skinner, this is a secretary. There's one more student who wishes to speak to you.
Principal Skinner: That strange, I don't have a secretary... or an intercom, but send him in.
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters dressed as a student] Ahoy there, dean. I understand that you're taking suggestions from students. Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking if you were to reinvest that money back into the local energy concern.
Principal Skinner: [clears throat] Mr. Burns...
[Burns exclaims in shock]
Principal Skinner: It was naive of you to think I'd mistake this town's most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students.

Moe Szyslak: I lost my bar!
Barney Gumble: I lost his bar!
Lisa Simpson: He robbed the school of music!
Principal Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito!
Homer: He can't remember my name!
Marge Simpson: He's causing us all to yell!
[Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]
Bart Simpson: Look what he did to my best friend!
[Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies]
Bart Simpson: No, my dog!
[Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?

"The Simpsons: There's No Disgrace Like Home (#1.4)" (1990)
[Greeting the Simpsons at the company picnic, Burns reads from a card]
Mr. Burns: And this must be, uh... Brat.
Bart: Bart.
Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat.

Mr. Burns: [after seeing Homer give Bart 5 dollars for a kiss] I never saw such an obvious attempt to curry my favor!
Weyland Smithers: Fabulous observation sir, just fabulous!

Weyland Smithers: [watching the city lights flicker on and off] Wow!, somebody's really gobbling up the juice, Sir!
Mr. Burns: Excellent! Excellent! Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as the dodo!

Weyland Smithers: [at the start of the sack race] Mr. Burns, are you ready?
Mr. Burns: Yes.
Weyland Smithers: Are you set?
Mr. Burns: Yes.
Weyland Smithers: [whispers] Go, Mr. Burns!
[Burns takes off in a significant head-start before Smithers fires the starting pistol]

Homer: [at the company picnic held at Mr Burns' mansion] Oh, boss, look what we brought.
[holds up a jello mould]
Homer: Gelatin desserts!
Mr. Burns: Oh, for the love of Peter! That's what everybody brought. Some damn fool
Mr. Burns: went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop.
[Burns motions at a whole collection of jello moulds]
Mr. Burns: Well, toss it in the pile over there, and
Mr. Burns: make yourselves at home.

Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burnes is greeting Homer at the door] Make yourself at home.
Homer: Did you hear that, Dad?... You can walk around in your underwear and scratch yourself.
Homer: [Grabs Bart by the neck] Now you listen to me!
Mr. Burns: Problem, Simpson?
Homer: [Petting Bart's hair] Oh no... Just congratulating the boy on another good joke.

Mr. Burns: [At the conclusion of the picnic] Thank you all for coming. Please get off my property, until next year... I suggest you don't dawdle... The hounds will be released in 10 minutes.

"The Simpsons: A Star Is Burns (#6.18)" (1995)
Marge: Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought.
Rainer Wolfcastle: ["Six months later"] And the Oscar goes to...
Montgomery Burns: Oh, I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood.
Rainer Wolfcastle: ...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football".
[everyone applauds; Burns steams]
Rainer Wolfcastle: [a screen shows George C. Scott standing there and a football hitting him in the groin]
George C. Scott: [doubling over] Aargh! My groin.

Mr. Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg.
Smithers: He's unavailable.
Mr. Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent.

Mr. Burns: OK, Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
Sr. Spielbergo: Schindler es muy bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo.
Mr. Burns: Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!

Smithers: Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.
Montgomery Burns: Excellent.
[a policeman wheels Hannibal Lecter in]
Hannibal Lecter: Excellent.
[makes the infamous slurping sound]
Montgomery Burns: Next.
William Shatner: Exc-ell-ent.
Montgomery Burns: Next.
Homer: Exactly.
Homer: D'oh!
Montgomery Burns: [irritated] Next!
Bumblebee Man: ¡Excellente!
Sr. Spielbergo: Es muy bueno.
Montgomery Burns: Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns' film is being booed by the audience] Smithers, are they booing me?
Smithers: Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns".
Mr. Burns: [Stands and faces the audience] Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"?
[the audience boos and throws rubbish at him]
Hans Moleman: I was saying "Boo-urns"!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, are they booing me?
Smithers: Oh, they're not booing you, Sir, they're shouting "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"
Mr. Burns: [to Audience] Are you shouting "Boo!" or "Boo-urns!"?
Audience: Boo!
Hans Moleman: I was shouting "Boo-urns"...

"The Simpsons: The Old Man and the Lisa (#8.21)" (1997)
[Lisa and Mr. Burns are collecting cans at the beach]
Mr. Burns: You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage?
Lisa: Not good money, really. Each can'll get you a nickel.
Mr. Burns: Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel... with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds.
Lisa: [unimpressed] There's a can.

Mr. Burns: Oh, so mother nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys.

[Burns learns about the stock market crash of 1929]
Mr. Burns: Oh no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?
Smithers: Well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

[a realtor is showing Bret Hart around Mr. Burns' mansion]
Bret "The Hitman" Hart: Eww. This place has got old man stink.
Mr. Burns: Ooh.
Waylon Smithers: Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.

Mr. Burns: [to a group of senior citizens working for him] I'll take you to the biggest duck-filled pond you ever saw.
Grampa: Hot Diggity. That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche.

[Mr. Burns looks through a portfolio of his old stocks]
Mr. Burns: Hmm, let's see...?Confederated Slave holdings." How's that one holding up?
Blue Haired Lawyer: It's, uh, steady.

"The Simpsons: Dog of Death (#3.19)" (1992)
Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
Smithers: If *you* did it, sir?

Ned Flanders: So, recycling is just our way of giving Mother Earth a great big hug!
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, it does sound delightful! I can't wait to start pawing through my garbage like some starving raccoon!
[to Smithers]
Mr. Burns: Release the hounds.
[to Flanders]
Mr. Burns: Well, neighbor, I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing.
Ned Flanders: Aaahhhh!
[he sees the hounds coming and runs away]

[Mr. Burns sees one of his hounds limping and wheezing]
Mr. Burns: What's wrong with Crippler?
Smithers: Oh, he's getting on, sir. He's been here since the late-'60s.
Mr. Burns: Ah, yes. I'll never forget the day he bagged his first hippie. That young man didn't think it was too "groovy".

Mr. Burns: I'm looking for something in an attack dog, one who likes the sweet, gamey tang of human flesh. Hmm, why here's the fellow. Wiry, fast, firm proud buttocks... reminds me of me.

Mr. Burns: Now, as an attack dog you'll be expected to neutralize intruders.
Smithers: Wanna buy some cookies? Wanna buy some cookies?
[Santa's Little Helper starts licking Smithers' face]
Mr. Burns: Oh, if that were a real Girl Scout, I'd have been bothered by now.

Smithers: I hate to interrupt your longevity treatment, sir, but there's a sweet little boy at the door.
Mr. Burns: [muffled, from behind the glass] Release the hounds.

"The Simpsons: Homer Goes to College (#5.3)" (1993)
Inspector: We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This is a surprise test of worker competence.
Mr. Burns: There must be some mistake. We, uh, we make cookies here. Mr. Burns' old-fashioned, good-time, extra-chewy...

Mr. Burns: The watchdog of public safety. Is there any lower form of life?

Mr. Burns: Remember, your job depends on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing...
Mr. Burns: You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers: Actually, sir, we found the Jade Monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr. Burns: And the road maps, and ice scraper?
Smithers: They were in there, too, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent! It's all falling into place...

Inspector: You're in big trouble, Burns! Homer Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. Now you get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action.
Mr. Burns: Is that so? Well, I have a feeling you'll be... *dropping* the charges.
[He pushes a button on his desk. A trapdoor opens behind the inspectors, who stare at it curiously]
Mr. Burns: Oh?
Smithers: The painters moved your desk, sir.
Mr. Burns: Ah, yes.

Smithers: For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!
[after Mr. Burns hops into an escape pod and closes the door, leaving Smithers banging his hands on it]
Mr. Burns: I like to put my feet up.
[breifly opening the door]

Mr. Burns: Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two (#7.1)" (1995)
Mr. Burns: Officers, arrest the baby.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Well, maybe Texas.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut.

Dr. Nick Riviera: Hi everybody!
Mr. Burns: [to the tune of "Hi Dr. Nick"] Ho-mer Simp-son!
Dr. Nick Riviera: Okay, that was weird

Mr. Burns: Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.

Mr. Burns: Homer Simpson?
Homer Simpson: So, you finally learned my name eh?
Mr. Burns: [shaking his head] Homer Simpson.
Homer Simpson: I've got no time for your demented parlor games! You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you.

Dr. Nick Riviera: Hi everybody!
Mr. Burns: Ho... mer Simp... son
Mr. Burns: Okay?

"The Simpsons: Monty Can't Buy Me Love (#10.21)" (1999)
Mr. Burns: [asking Homer how he can let people like him] Simpson! I want to be loved again.
Homer: Well, I'll need some beer.

Burns: Uh, Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved.
Homer Simpson: I see. Well... I'll need some beer.

Burns: And a stunt like that impresses people?
Homer Simpson: Oh yeah, and I'm not easily impressed. Woah, a blue car!
Burns: If a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers can win people's hearts, I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time.
Homer Simpson: A sober Irishman?
Burns: Even rarer.

Mr. Burns: [after draining Lake Loch Ness, he sees something resembling it] That's it! I see the monster!
Groundskeeper Willie: [once all the water is drained] Nay! That's merely a Loch Ness discarded Homecoming float.
Homer: [they walk into the drained lake and Homer sees, STOMP ABERDEEN inscribed on it] No way! Aberdeen rules!
[the real Loch Ness Monster appears, crushes the float and roars, Mr. Burns, Homer, Groundskeeper Willie and Professor Frink all gasp. Homer looks at the Nessie like "Macarena Monster" doll, then looks at Nessie]
Homer: God, it's him!
Mr. Burns: Come on boys, overpower it.
[Groundskepper Willie, Homer, and Professor Frink walk away, whistling]
Mr. Burns: Fine. I'll do it myself.
[takes off his coat and tie and rolls up his sleeves, the next thing you know, Nessie is being held in a net under the helicopter]
Groundskeeper Willie: [in the helicopter] That was amazing, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: I was most worried when he swallowed me, but then, well, you know the rest. And now for my triumphant return to Springfield!

Homer: [after Mr. Burns got blinded by camera flashes at the unveiling of the Loch Ness Monster and accidentally set the stage on fire] If you wanted people to love you. You sure blew it with that insane rampage. But you know what? To be loved you have to be nice to people. Every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat.
Mr. Burns: You know, perhaps you're right. I got so swept up with the notion of being loved I completely forgot who I am. I'm a selfish old crank. And that fits me like a Speedo.
Homer: [the Loch Ness Monster nuzzles Mr. Burns and Homer, sort of purring] So. What do we do with our friend here? Throw him in the dumpster?
Mr. Burns: No, no, no. I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home.
Homer: [cut to the Vegas Town Casino, where The Loch Ness Monster is wearing a tuxedo and bow tie, also half the size it originally was, Homer takes the free pull on a slot machine and results "jackpot, jackpot, lemon"] Doh!
Mr. Burns: Tough luck. Simpson.
Homer: Come on Nessie, one more pull.
[Nessie kind of roars]
Homer: Okay. Okay. Want a shrimp cocktail?
[Nessie shakes its head]
Homer: Yeah. They're not great.

Jerry Rude: So, Monty, tell us when was your first gay experience.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that was when I was 5. My father took me to the park, that was a gay old time.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror II (#3.7)" (1991)
[Homer yelps as Smithers and Mr. Burns drag him through a cemetary in a bag]
Smithers: Listen, sir! Did you hear that?
Mr. Burns: [mockingly] No I didn't! What was it? Frankenstein? The booger man?
Smithers: It's the man in the bag, sir! I think he's alive.
Mr. Burns: Oh.
[beats Homer with shovel]
Mr. Burns: Bad corpse! Bad corpse! Stop... scaring... Smithers! Satisfied?
Smithers: Thank you, sir.

[Mr. Burns has put Homer's brain into a robot]
Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers, I was wrong to play God. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with. Now take out that brain and flush it down the toilet!

Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns transplants Homer's brain into a robot] Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop.
Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?
Mr. Burns: Dammit, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!
[Mr. Burns removes Homer's brain, then puts it atop his own head]
Mr. Burns: Look at me, I'm Davy Crockett!

Homer Simpson: [Mr. Burns performs a lobotomy on Homer without anesthesia] Ow. Ow! OW!
Mr. Burns: Quit complaining! This way I don't have to waste money on morphine! Well Smithers, you were right, he was not dead. I guess I owe you a Coke. And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophany of colligenous cog and camshifts, take that!
[Mr. Burns kicks the robot, which tips and looms over him]
Smithers: Run Sir!
[the robot lands on Mr. Burns, crushing him save for his head]
Mr. Burns: Every bone in my body broken... vital organs leaking fluid... slight headache... loss of appetite... Smithers, I'm going to die.
Smithers: No sir! Is there anything I can do?
Mr. Burns: We have one chance. Go to my office. Second drawer... there is some ether...
Homer Simpson: [Homer awakens, then walks into bathroom to remind himself that it was only a nightmare. When he closes the medicine cabinet, he sees Mr. Burns' head grafted onto him] Aaaaaaaah!
Mr. Burns: Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well my body was crushed, so my head was grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.
Homer Simpson: [hyperventilating] I didn't wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!
Mr. Burns: Oh that's right! It's all a dream! Or is it?
[laughs evilly]

[last lines]
[Screen fades to black as creepy music plays, then the scene resumes with the normal Simpsons' music; looking like a canonical episode]
Narrator: Next week, on "The Simpsons".
Lisa Simpson: Don't forget Dad, tonight my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
Homer: Mmm... spaghetti.
Mr. Burns: But Homer, tonight's our meeting for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.
Homer: DOH! I hate having two heads!

"The Simpsons: Homer at the Bat (#3.17)" (1992)
[Mr. Burns made a bet that the plant softball team would beat Shelbyville]
Mr. Burns: I've decided to bring in a few ringers, professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown...
Smithers: Uh, sir?
Mr. Burns: What is it, Smithers?
Smithers: I'm afraid all of those players have retired and, uh... passed on. In fact, your right-fielder has been dead for a hundred and thirty years.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, is it wrong to cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Mr. Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if *I* cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?
Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed?

[to his softball team]
Mr. Burns: All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits! You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers, you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have told you over the course of your lives, and go out there and win!

Mr. Burns: What about Clemens?
Smithers: Sir, he's in no condition to play.
[Clemens flaps his arms and clucks like a chicken]
Mr. Burns: That damned hypnotist!
[to hypnotist]
Mr. Burns: You! Look what you've done. My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken.

Mr. Burns: [Seeing Don Mattingly shaved the middle of his head off] Mattingly, I thought I told you to trim those sideburns? Go home, you're off the team, for good!
Don Mattingly: Fine.
[Under his breath]
Don Mattingly: I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

"The Simpsons: Homer Defined (#3.5)" (1991)
Smithers: Sir, they may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on earth socially awkward.

Computer Voice: Warning, problem in Sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: 7-G? Good God, who's the safety inspector there?
Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, sir.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Good man, intelligent?
Smithers: Actually, sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap.
Mr. Burns: [bitterly] Thank you, President Ford.

Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers, I guess there's nothing left to do but kiss my sorry ass good-bye.
Smithers: May I, sir?

Mr. Burns: Yes, we've isolated the problem. Wouldn't you know, false alarm. It seems that some...
Marge Simpson: Whew.
Mr. Burns: ...single wayward crow flew into our warning system.
Kent Brockman: Very good. Well, sir, your point about nuclear hysteria is well taken. This reporter promises to be more trusting and less vigilant in the future.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.

Kent Brockman: On the line with us now is plant owner C. Montgomery Burns. Mr. Burns...
Mr. Burns: Oh, hello, Kent. Right now skilled nuclear energy technicians are clamly correcting a minor piffling malfunction.
[cut to people running around screaming and others breaking into a vending machine]
Mr. Burns: But I can assure you and the public there's absolutely no danger whatsoever. Things couldn't be more ship-shape.
[cut to Smithers putting a thick nuclear safety suit on Mr. Burns]
Smithers: Sir, where's my radiation suit?
Mr. Burns: How the hell should I know?
[covering up the "Smithers" name label on the suit]
Kent Brockman: Ah, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
Mr. Burns: Oh, hoho, meltdown. It's one of those annoying buzz words. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

"The Simpsons: Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield (#7.14)" (1996)
[Homer and Mr. Burns are playing golf; Homer is in a sand trap]
Mr. Burns: For god sakes, man. Use an open-faced club. The sand wedge.
Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.

Mr. Burns: Who is that lavatory links man, Smithers?
Waylon Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of the fork and spoon operators from sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle. Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh?
Waylon Smithers: His waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his
[imitating Nixon]
Mr. Burns: "Oh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!"
[Smithers laughs]
Mr. Burns: I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?
Waylon Smithers: Unlikely, sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently.
Mr. Burns: Bah! Schedule a game and I'll ask him myself.

Homer Simpson: Good morning, Mr. Burns. Beautiful day to be outside, isn't it?
Mr. Burns: Rant on, Simpson, but your vainglorious boasting will only add savor to my inevitable triumph.
Homer Simpson: [pause] Yes.

Mr. Burns: Use the open-faced club! The sandwedge!
Homer Simpson: Mmm... open-faced club sandwich...

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!
Montgomery Burns: Why, Bart's right here!
Bart Simpson: Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
Homer Simpson: Oh, Lisa! You and your stories! "Dad, Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's get back to that... building thingy... where our beds and T.V... is.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you notice anything strange?
Homer Simpson: Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.
Montgomery Burns: I heard that!
Homer Simpson: [quickly points to Bart] It was the boy!

Montgomery Burns: [welcoming the Simpsons via intercom at the front door] Welcome! Please come in...
Montgomery Burns: Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.
Waylon Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.
Montgomery Burns: Oh, son of a bi-
[door opens]

[watching Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor]
Mr. Burns: Hmm... who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.

"The Simpsons: Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish' (#7.22)" (1996)
Montgomery Burns: Terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl.
Lisa Simpson: Santa?

Montgomery Burns: There, Simpson seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine.
Grampa: Over my dead body, it will!
Montgomery Burns: That's exactly the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?
[Grampa's pants fall down with a "boing" sound]
Grampa: How long was that?

Montgomery Burns: Then it's agreed. Of course, we can't sell the paintings now, we'd be caught. How many of you are familiar with the concept of a "tontine"?
Montgomery Burns: All right, Ox. Why don't you take us through it?
Ox: Duh, essentially, we all enter into a contract whereby the last surviving participant becomes the sole possessor of all them purty pictures.
Montgomery Burns: Well put, Oxford.

Montgomery Burns: Fernando Vidal? It's M.B.
Fernando Vidal: Ah, Marion Barry! Is it time for another shipment?

"The Simpsons: Mountain of Madness (#8.12)" (1997)
Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, frankly you've been a bit of a pill lately.
Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?

Homer: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

[Mr. Burns and Homer arrive at a snowy campsite]
Mr. Burns: This propane tank will supply us with heat, and...
[Approaches front door]
Mr. Burns: ...this doorknob, when properly turned, will provide access to the cabin.

Homer: They're only snowmen, Mr Burns.
Mr. Burns: Oh, snowmen have peepers! Peepers to watch...
Homer: What do we do?
Mr. Burns: Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

"The Simpsons: Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish (#2.4)" (1990)
Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Mr. Burns: You can't do this to me! I'm Charles Montgomery Burns!

Mr. Burns: Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.

[Burns is attempting to bribe the nuclear inspectors]
Mr. Burns: Look, Smithers! Some foolish individual has left thousands and thousands of dollars on this table! Let's step outside and, hopefully, when we return, the money will be gone.
[Burns steps outside for a few moments. When he steps back in, the nuclear inspector hasn't touched the money]
Mr. Burns: [angrily] Look, Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here!
Nuclear inspector: Mr. Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to bribe me.
Mr. Burns: Is there some confusion about this?
[starts stuffing money in his pockets]
Mr. Burns: Take it! Take it, you poor schmo!

"The Simpsons: Homer's Triple Bypass (#4.11)" (1992)
Mr. Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating... Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?
Smithers: Er... no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.
Mr. Burns: Damn their oily hides!

[Homer collapses in Mr. Burns' office. His spirit begins to rise up from his body]
Smithers: Mr. Burns, I think he's dead.
Mr. Burns: Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow.
Homer Simpson: Mmm... ham.
[Homer's spirit returns to his body]
Smithers: No, wait - he's alive!
Mr. Burns: Oh, good. Cancel the ham!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Mr. Burns: Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...
Homer Simpson: Whew...
Mr. Burns: ...and goodbye! You're fired!
[Homer gags, his heart pounds]
Homer Simpson: W
Mr. Burns: goofing off! Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...
[Homer's heart slows down]
Mr. Burns: ... a grave for!
[Homer's heart beats even faster]
Mr. Burns: Your indolence is inefficacious!
[Homer stares blankly; heart beats normally]
Mr. Burns: That means, you're terrible!
[Homer collapses]

Mr. Burns: [to Smithers after seeing Homer asleep at his station on CCTV] Bring him to me!

"The Simpsons: King Size Homer (#7.7)" (1995)
Mr. Burns: Smithers, what's the name of this gastropod?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of your chair moisteners from Sector 7-G.

Mr. Burns: [Trying to get a 300-lb. Homer to do sit-ups to lose weight] One... one... one! Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction!
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!

Mr. Burns: Not now. There's enough time for the frozen pudding wagon later.

Mr. Burns: [leading the employee calisthenics program] Raise your left hock! Aerate! Raise your right hock! Aerate! Let's go! I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts, and less Franklin Roosevelts!

"The Simpsons: Mother Simpson (#7.8)" (1995)
Mr. Burns: My germs! My precious germs! They never harmed a soul! They never had the chance!

Mr. Burns: [in a tanker] I've been waiting 25 years for this moment.
[puts an audio tape in which starts playing Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" but then abruptly changes to ABBA's "Waterloo"]
Waylon Smithers: I'm sorry, sir. I must've taped over that.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, who was that corpse?
Waylon Smithers: [choking up] Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace Sector 7-G.
[normal voice]
Waylon Smithers: I'll cross him off the list.

Joe Friday: Are you sure this is the woman you saw in the post office?
Mr. Burns: Absolutely! Who could forget such a monstrous visage? She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal.
Waylon Smithers: Uh, Sir? Phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago.
Mr. Burns: Of course you'd say that... you have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter!

"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Alien: I bring you love.
Lenny: It's bringing love, don't let it get away!
Carl: Break its legs.
[everyone starts to advance on the alien]
Lisa: Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien.
[Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns in a twisted and disoriented state]
Mr. Burns: [in a high-toned voice] Hello, children. I bring you love.
Willy: Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it!
Smithers: It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns!
Willy: Aww, it's Mr. Burns! KILL IT! KILL IT!

Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

Mr. Burns: And now that I am back to normal I don't bring love. I bring hate, fear and...
Dr. Nick Riviera: Time for your booster!
Mr. Burns: Good morning starshine...

Mr. Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?
Smithers: What?
Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Smithers is on the town.
Smithers: Oh. Of course.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III (#4.5)" (1992)
Mr. Burns: [Taking Marge on an expedition] What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.

[off the coast of Ape Island, hearing the natives chant, "Homer, Homer, Homer"]
Otto: Hey, who's this Homer dude?
Mr. Burns: He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape, or a tourist trap concocted by the Ape Island jaycees. Either way, we're going ashore.

Mr. Burns: Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
Montgomery Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV, and the beer supply, I'll be able to ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lifes...
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Montgomery Burns: Mmm, perhaps. Tell you what, we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.

Montgomery Burns: That's odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

Mr. Burns: This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
Homer: [shudders] Oh... John Denver.

"The Simpsons: The Seemingly Never-Ending Story (#17.13)" (2006)
Rich Texan: I'm in oil. What's your racket?
Mr. Burns: Nuclear power. I make money using my brain, not sticking a pole on the ground and praying for goo.

Mr. Burns: [trying to enter password to panic room] Dammit, I forget!
Voice of the automatic door of the panic room: Enter place of birth.
Mr. Burns: [typing] Pangea...
Voice of the automatic door of the panic room: Your password has been e-mailed to you.

[Lisa is being chased by a bighorn sheep and runs to Mr. Burns' house and knocks on the door and Mr. Burns answers]
Lisa Simpson: Mad beast!
Mr. Burns: Liberal midget!

"The Simpsons: The Princess Guide (#26.15)" (2015)
Mr. Burns: So my offer for one ton of your uranium, is a goat.
Nigerian king: Will you stop offering me that? I come from a nation of ninety million people!
Mr. Burns: Two goats.
Nigerian king: I am beginning to get insulted.
Mr. Burns: All right, let's cut to the chase. My board has given me permission to go up to... twelve goats.
[King groans]

Mr. Burns: My last offer, twenty million goats.
Nigerian king: Okay, but no dogs disguised as goats.
Mr. Burns: Oh, great. Here comes the haggling.

Nigerian king: Mr. Burns, I don't know what you have heard, but I do not eat monkey brains from a skull.
Mr. Burns: Oh, this is for me.

"The Simpsons: A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love (#13.4)" (2001)
Mr. Burns: So, what shall we do tomorrow? Go grousing? Or, if you'd rather stay home you could sing, while I accompany you on the clavichord...
Gloria: Actually, Monty, I...
Mr. Burns: Or, I've got some wonderful stereopticon images of the Crimean War!
Gloria: Look, I had a lot of fun today, but I don't think we're right for each other. The age difference is just too...
Mr. Burns: Oh, balderdash. It's not important how old you are on parchment, it's how old you feel in the humours!
Gloria: I'm sorry, Monty...

[on the phone]
Homer: But Mr. Burns, I can't find you funny anymore.
Mr. Burns: I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs. Now we're ordering out, so what would you like on your pizza pie...? Extra cheese? Who do you take me for, Lorenzo de Medici?

Mr. Burns: I don't understand it. I turned around and she was gone, along with my virile younger friend.
Kent Brockman: Well, according to our poll 49% of the viewers think "he's too old", while 51% think "she's a skank".

"The Simpsons: The Mansion Family (#11.12)" (2000)
Montgomery Burns: Smithers, this monkey is going to need most of your skin.

Mr. Burns: If the house catches fire, call this number.
Marge: Uh-huh. The fire department.
Mr. Burns: Yes. They're new. But they're good.

[filing out medical forms]
Mr. Burns: Social security number? Naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, 2. Damn Roosevelt. Cause of parents death? Got in my way.

The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Montgomery Burns: Smithers... I don't believe in suicide, but if you'd like to try it, it might cheer me up to watch.

Montgomery Burns: Well, for once, the rich white man is in control.

Montgomery Burns: So, you want some of my electricity, do you? Well, for once, the rich, white man is in control. I have two buttons behind my desk. One will provide your town with power, the other releases the hounds. Reach me. Make me your brother.
Dr. Hibbert: The hospital's generator is about to give out. Lives will be lost.
Montgomery Burns: [writing down] Lives... lost. Go on.
Chief Wiggum: We have a convict we're gonna fry tomorrow, but now we can't.
Montgomery Burns: Tempting, tempting...
Apu: Look, all of our reasons mean nothing. Just look inside your heart and you will find the answer.
[Smithers waves frantically and shakes his head no; cut to outside of mansion as screaming and barking is heard inside]
Apu: Aaah!
Montgomery Burns: First door on the right.
Apu: Thank you.
Dr. Hibbert, Chief Wiggum, Apu: [as they run out chased by dogs] Aaah!

"The Simpsons: Brush with Greatness (#2.18)" (1991)
Montgomery Burns: Somebody up there likes me, Smithers.
Waylon Smithers: Somebody down here likes you, too, sir.
Montgomery Burns: Shut up!

Bart Simpson: Hey, mom, did he have those spots all over his body?
[after Marge sees Mr. Burns naked]
Montgomery Burns: I heard that!
[breifly opening the bathroom door]

Montgomery Burns: You're pleased with your current appearance? Hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, ahhh, why my good man, you're the fattest thing I've ever seen and I've been on safari.
[laughing with Smithers]

"The Simpsons: Dark Knight Court (#24.16)" (2013)
Mr. Burns: Yes, feel the weightless tickle of justice!

Lisa Simpson: You know, if you want to be seen as a super-hero, maybe you shouldn't tent your fingers like that.
Mr. Burns: How about this?
Lisa Simpson: Maybe if you wrap them behind your head.
Mr. Burns: How about I wrap them around your gabby little throat?
Lisa Simpson: Tenting, tenting. Back to the tenting.

Smithers: Shouldn't we call the police?
Mr. Burns: Every last one is on the take. And I should know, I'm the one on the give.

"The Simpsons: He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs (#19.1)" (2007)
Mr. Burns: You saved my life. There must be something I can do for you.
Homer's Brain: A cookie! No, a car! No, a cookie!
Mr. Burns: You're getting a free dinner...
Homer Simpson: Gasp!
Mr. Burns: ...with...
Homer Simpson: Yeah?
Mr. Burns:!
Homer Simpson: Me? But that's you!

Waylon Smithers: But what happened to that mini phone I gave you, sir?
Mr. Burns: That was a phone? I thought it was a lemon drop.
[Burns' belly starts to vibrate]
Waylon Smithers: I'll get your last listed number.

Mr. Burns: Now to enjoy the Miami of Canada: Chicago.

"The Simpsons: The Fool Monty (#22.6)" (2010)
Mr. Burns: I haven't a friend in the world.
Smithers: You have me, sir.
Mr. Burns: I pay you, Smithers. A man cannot pay another man to love him.
Smithers: Well, actually...
Mr. Burns: I'll retire to my bed.
Smithers: That's where everyone put their coats.
Mr. Burns: Throw them in my woodchipper and use the remains to wash my car.
[Smithers tosses coats out window and into woodchipper, the shreds going into a bin marked "rags"]
Mr. Burns: Why does everyone hate me?

Mr. Burns: I want to die gently in my own terms, crushing as many of those baby turtles as possible. Goodbye, insuficiently cruel world!

Mr. Burns: You my daddy mommy puppy?
Bart Simpson: Whoa! That fall must have turned your brains to oatmeal.
Mr. Burns: My name oatmeal?
Bart Simpson: This is too weird.
Mr. Burns: Wait for oatmeal.

"The Simpsons: And Maggie Makes Three (#6.13)" (1995)
Homer: Thanks for giving me my job back, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.
Waylon Smithers: Uh, sir, that's the "plaque."
Mr. Burns: Ah, yes, the special de-motivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. For you see, you're here... forever.
[Smithers screws the plaque to the wall]
Mr. Burns: [reading] "Don't Forget - You're Here Forever."

[On the day Homer quits the power plant, he insults Mr. Burns and plays his bald head like a bongo drum]
Mr. Burns: I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

[when Homer asks for his job back, he is pointed to a doggie-sized door marked "Supplicants." He emerges in Burns' office on all fours, dusty and coughing]
Mr. Burns: So... come crawling back, eh?
Homer: Seems like the classy thing to do would be not to call attention to it.

The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
[Homer destroys the surveillance cameras at the power plant]
Homer Simpson: Finally, I can get some sleep.
[the whistle blows]
C. Montgomery Burns: [over P.A. system] Mindless drones! Return to your ugly families!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Homer Simpson: C. Montgomery Burns! I know you're guilty! J'accused! Sir.
C. Montgomery Burns: Fine, I'll admit it. I had Amelia Earhart's plane shot down. That hussy was getting too big for her jodhpurs.

Homer Simpson: Look, I need to get some barrels of radioactive waste to save Springfield from the aliens!
C. Montgomery Burns: I agree. Illegal aliens are a nuisance.
Homer Simpson: Not *leaf-blower* aliens! *Tentacle* aliens!

"The Simpsons: Blood Feud (#2.22)" (1991)
Mr. Burns: I could crush him like an ant, but it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... oh, what the hell, I'll just crush him like an ant.

[after reading Homer's insulting letter]
Mr. Burns: Senile, am I? Bony arms, are they? Buck-toothed, is it? Liver spots, did they? Chinless, will you?

Mr. Burns: Ah, Smithers. How did the beating go?
Smithers: [timidly] Sir, I- there was no beating.
Mr. Burns: What? Well, that's a hell of a thing! Why not?
Smithers: I called it off.
Mr. Burns: [jumps up and points a finger in rage] Judas!

"The Simpsons: The Burns and the Bees (#20.8)" (2008)
Mr. Burns: Smithers, who is that man, and why is his enthusiasm not being punished?
Smithers: That's Mark Cuban, the most flamboyant owner in the league.
Mark Cuban: [sliding down a cable while holding sparklers] I'm out of my mind!

Mark Cuban: What's the use of owning a basketball team if you don't have fun?
Mr. Burns: Fun? Is that how it's pronounced? I've only seen it written.

Lisa Simpson: Mr. Burns, you can't do that.
Mr. Burns: I can, I am, and soon I shall have been. I'm unstoppable!
[Turns around and walks into a tree]
Mr. Burns: Have his acorns killed and make him watch.

"The Simpsons: The Fight Before Christmas (#22.8)" (2010)
Mr. Burns: You lied to me. Release the hounds.
[Dogs bark at a distance]
Mr. Burns: They'll be here any minute now.
[a sock puppet dog appears]
Sock Puppet Dog: We, uh, spent all the money on Katy Perry.
Katy Perry: Aw, looks like someone needs a hug.
[Hugs and kisses Mr. Burns]
Mr. Burns: I kissed a girl, and I liked it.

Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns! What are you doing here?
Mr. Burns: I got a visit from three Christmas spirits.
Abe Simpson: [on a balcony with Jasper] I wish this show got a visit from three new writers.
[He and Jasper laugh]

"The Simpsons: Weekend at Burnsie's (#13.16)" (2002)
Mr. Burns: Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron.
[to Homer]
Mr. Burns: Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
Waylon Smithers: Uh, sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers. I would have said anything to get your stem cells.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron.

"The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (#2.11)" (1991)
[one of the things on Homer's list of things to do before he dies is "Tell off boss". While riding in Barney's car, he happens to spot Mr. Burns sitting on a park bench]
Homer Simpson: [leaning out of the car window as he goes past] Hey, Burns! Eat my shorts!
Mr. Burns: [annoyed] Who the Sam Hill was that?
Smithers: Why, it's... Homer Simpson, sir. One of the schmoes from sector 7G.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? I want him in my office at 9 o'clock Monday morning. We'll see who eats whose shorts.

Mr. Burns: [sitting on a park bench, ogling passing women through binoculars] Smithers, check out the luscious pair on that redhead.
[his POV reveals he's looking at the woman's high-heeled shoes]
Mr. Burns: That's it, baby, work those ankles.
Smithers: Ring-a-ding-ding, sir.

"The Simpsons: Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington (#14.14)" (2003)
Krusty the Clown: Uh, just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up any youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous?
Krusty the Clown: A Russian hooker. You tell me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission.
Krusty the Clown: I did find out one fact. She was a guy.

Krusty the Clown: Uh, just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up any youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous?
Krusty the Clown: A Russian hooker, you tell me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission.
Krusty the Clown: I did find out one fact. She was a guy.

"The Simpsons: Marge Gets a Job (#4.7)" (1992)
Mr. Burns: You're fired!
Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married! I'm gonna sue the pants off you!
Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.

[Marge, Homer, and Lionel Hutz confront Burns in his office]
Lionel Hutz: [slams his briefcase down on the desk] Mr. Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent, and a paper trail a mile long!
Mr. Burns: Yes? Well, *I* have ten high-priced lawyers.
[He presses a button, opening a wall panel and revealing his ten lawyers standing in a row. Hutz screams in terror and dashes out of the room]
Homer Simpson: He left his briefcase.
[opens it]
Homer Simpson: Hey! It's full of shredded newspaper.

"The Simpsons: Once Upon a Time in Springfield (#21.10)" (2010)
Montgomery Burns: We have to cut costs.
Lenny Leonard: But we have way more expensive unnecessaries than donuts.
Carl Carlson: Yeah, like the ceiling furniture.
Lenny Leonard: And all the joke ID badges we ordered.
Montgomery Burns: No donuts!
Lenny Leonard: No!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Carl Carlson: Nuts!
Montgomery Burns: Exactly!

Homer Simpson: You can't win us back with mere donuts.
Montgomery Burns: Oh, but these donuts were made the old fashioned way. The dough sweetened with Cuban sugar from pre-Batista plantations, and fried in the tallow of three different animals, two of which are now extinct.

"The Simpsons: Fraudcast News (#15.22)" (2004)
Mr. Burns: I can't be responsible for what my goons are ordered to do.

Mr. Burns: [Despite Burns' attempt to bribe Lisa with cute little ponies, she refuses to stop printing her newspaper] Very well, you had your chance. I'm going to shred you like a Christmas card. Now *get out!*
Lisa: [angrily] I can't. My mom's not picking me up for an hour.
Mr. Burns: [leaning nervously on his desk, Burns is at a loss for words] Well, what do you think of today's popular music scene?
Lisa: I think it distracts people from more important social issues.
Mr. Burns: My God, are you always "on"?

"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
Mr. Burns: What are you people doing in my summer home?
Homer Simpson: This is Eduardo, our pool boy. He thinks he's an angry rich man.
Mr. Burns: I am an angry rich man!
Homer Simpson: That's the pool chemicals talking.

Mr. Burns: ...and that's how I got the vending machine contract for the Kremlin.

"The Simpsons: I Married Marge (#3.12)" (1991)
Homer: You in charge here?
Mr. Burns: Yes.
Smithers: I'll call security sir.
Homer: If you want the kind of employee that takes abuse I'm your man. You can treat me like dirt and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream.
Mr. Burns: Hold the phone Smithers. I like the cut of your jib.
Smithers: But sir this man not only failed the aptitude test he got trapped in a closet on his way out.
Mr. Burns: I don't care. I haven't been this impressed since a young bootlick named Waylon Smithers.
Homer: You mean?
Mr. Burns: Son you're hired. What's your name?
Homer: Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson eh? I'll remember that name.
Homer: WHOO HOO! Only in America could I get a job.

Mr. Burns: Who was that young hellcat, Smithers?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name.

The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)
Mr. Burns: You hully, I'll gully.

Mr. Burns: Who is that masked fellow?

"The Simpsons: Them, Robot (#23.17)" (2012)
Mr. Burns: This is the last time I pay for the mortality of the average worker. Smithers, it's time to deploy those kangaroos we've been training.
Smithers: Sir, all they did was use their pouches to steal office supplies.
Mr. Burns: Even the joeys?
Smithers: Sir, there is a more high-tech solution.
Mr. Burns: More high-tech than kangaroos?

Homer Simpson: Before we die, can you at least tell me your real age?
Mr. Burns: Well, it has four digits...

"The Simpsons: Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes? (#3.24)" (1992)
Mr. Burns: Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. I want your legal advice, I even pay for it.
Mr. Burns: But to me you're all vipers! You live on personal injury, you live on divorces, you live on pain and misery...!
[calms down]
Mr. Burns: But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee?
Blue Haired Lawyer: I'll have some coffee.
Mr. Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart! It's so hard for me to listen to you...
Mr. Burns: I hate you all so much!
[calms down]
Mr. Burns: I'm sorry, it's my problem, I'll deal with it. Please continue.
Blue Haired Lawyer: If you offer Mr. Simpson a token sum, say a couple of thou, he'll be so dazzled he'll sign anything you shove under his nose.
Mr. Burns: Oh, brilliant! A cash settlement...
Mr. Burns: I could have figured that out, you buttoned-down maggot!
Blue Haired Lawyer: Do you have any cream?
Mr. Burns: Oh yes, of course. Where are my manners?

Smithers: [When it is discovered that Homer Simpson is sterile] I'm afraid he can sue us for millions, Sir.
Mr. Burns: Mother of Pearl!... Call my lawyers!

"The Simpsons: Simpson and Delilah (#2.2)" (1990)
Montgomery Burns: You may find this hard to believe, but in my salad days, my crowning glory was a bright shock of strawberry blonde curls.

Mr. Burns: [to Homer] Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
Smithers: Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers... I would have said anything to get your stem cells.

"The Simpsons: Rosebud (#5.4)" (1993)
Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are going to go far. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones.
Mr. Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.
Joey Ramone: I'd just like to say this gig sucks!
Johnny Ramone: Hey, up yours, Springfield!
Joey Ramone: One, two, three, four!
[the Ramones start playing a tune and singing "Happy Birthday"]
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday to you!
Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: Happy birthday!
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday to you!
Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: Happy birthday!
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday, Burnsey! Happy birthday...
Joey Ramone, Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: you!
Christopher Ward: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Marky Ramone: Hey, I think they liked us.
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't the...
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!

Clifford Burns: Oh well. At least we still have his little brother George.
George Burns: [singing] Buh-buh-buh. Oh the sunshine's bright on my old Kentucky home. Buh-buh-buh.
[Ends singing]
George Burns: Trust me, it'll be funny when I'm an old man.

"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
Judge Snyder: Mr. Burns, in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life, this court fines you $3million.
Montgomery Burns: Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket.
[Smithers hands over the money]
Montgomery Burns: Oh, and I'll take that statue of justice too.
Judge Snyder: Sold!

Montgomery Burns: [very badly disguised with a fake moustache] Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub. And I come from, uh... someplace far away.
Montgomery Burns: [to himself] Yes, that'll do.
Montgomery Burns: [back to Mayor Quimby] Anyway, I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.
Waylon Smithers: I like the way Snrub thinks.
[everyone looks suspiciously at Mr. Burns, then Smithers fires a rope a the roof, helping Mr. Burns to escape]

"The Simpsons: Two Dozen and One Greyhounds (#6.20)" (1995)
Smithers: Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but not completely full, for you see... /
Mr. Burns: Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for, is an outfit that looks good... / See... my... Vest. See my vest. / Made from real gorilla chest. / See this sweater, there's no better, than authentic Irish Setter. / See this hat? 'Twas my cat, / My evening wear vampire bat. / These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino. / Grizzly bear underwear, / Turtle's necks I've got my share. / Beret of Poodle on my noodle I shall rest. / Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two. / See my vest. See my vest. See my vest. / Like my loafers? Former gophers, / It was that or skin my chauffeurs / but a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best. / So let's prepare these dogs...
Mrs. Potts: Kill two for matching clogs.
Mr. Burns: See my vest, see my vest, oh please won't you see... my... Vest! I really like the vest.
Smithers: I gathered, yeah...
Lisa: He's gonna make a tuxedo out of our puppies!
Bart: [still humming the tune] Na na na na na na naa naaaa...
Lisa: Bart!
Bart: Sorry... You gotta admit it's catchy.

Mr. Burns: Right now I'll be taking my puppies back.
Lisa: But they're ours, you stole them from us!
[Burns gives her a cell phone]
Mr. Burns: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
[Lisa dials 9-1... ]
Mr. Burns: [snatches it back] Give me that!

"The Simpsons: The Joy of Sect (#9.13)" (1998)
Mr. Burns: You see me as a God, right, Smithers?
Smithers: Absolutely, sir.
Mr. Burns: You'd kneel before me, wouldn't you?
Smithers: Boy, would I.

Smithers: Actually, thanks to our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay about $3 in taxes a year.
Mr. Burns: $3? We're getting screwed.

"The Simpsons: Mona Leaves-a (#19.19)" (2008)
Mr. Burns: Well, well. Who do we have here?
Man: That's what clogged up the launch.
Mr. Burns: Well, hello. Maybe in a different time, you and I could have gone out.
Man: Sir, you know that's just a bag of ashes.
Mr. Burns: I've seen your wife. She's no Mamie Van Doren.

"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
Mr. Burns: [opens his germ-free chamber and sees Homer in it, eating a sandwich] Who the devil are you?
Homer's Brain: Don't panic. Just come up with a good story.
Homer: My name is Mr. Burns.
Homer's Brain: D'oh!

"The Simpsons: Love Is a Many Strangled Thing (#22.17)" (2011)
Mr. Burns: Simpson, you saved my life. Anything you want, just mention it.
Homer Simpson: All your money and all your stuff.
Mr. Burns: Lower and likelier.
Homer Simpson: Super Bowl tickets? Playoff tickets? Regular season tickets on Bobblehead day?
Mr. Burns: No-head day!

"The Simpsons: All About Lisa (#19.20)" (2008)
Mr. Burns: I have won every coin, yet I feel strangely empty inside. Oh, there's another coin. That should do it.

"The Simpsons: Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy (#5.14)" (1994)
Montgomery Burns: [Shirtless, as Smithers's screen saver] Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on.
Waylon Smithers: [to Lisa] Um... you probably should ignore that.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)
Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
Bart: Thanks, Mom.
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba.
Marge: Hmmmmm.
Maggie: [sucks pacifier]
Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney Gumble: [belches]
Nelson: Ha-ha.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
[pause, everyone stares at Lisa]
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?

"The Simpsons: Simpson Tide (#9.19)" (1998)
Smithers: [after a disaster involving a donut] Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the reactor core.
Homer: Success!
Mr. Burns: [incredulous] *You* did this? How could you be so irresponsible?
Homer: Uh, it's my first day.
Mr. Burns: Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. Very well! Carry on.
[begins to walk away]
Smithers: Uh, sir. That's Homer Simpson. He's been working here for ten years!
Mr. Burns: [walking back to Homer] Oh really! Why did you think you could lie to me?
Homer: It's my first day.
Mr. Burns: Well, why didn't you say...
Mr. Burns: [realizes] WHOA! YOU'RE FIRED!

"The Simpsons: The Canine Mutiny (#8.20)" (1997)
Mr Burns: [the hounds case Ned Flanders away. Then a fat wheezy hound stumbles past trying to keep up] What's the matter with Crippler?

"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Dignity (#12.5)" (2000)
Mr. Burns: You're so much more fun than Smithers. Why, he doesn't know the meaning of the word "gay"!

"The Simpsons: C.E.D'oh (#14.15)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns, I've compiled list of safety recommendations for the plant.
Mr. Burns: Well, let me throw back my legs and pollute my britches with delight.
Homer Simpson: But the book said you'd applaud my initiative...
Mr. Burns: What book is that? "The Ape Who Wanted a Big Bonus"? Stop wasting my time and get out of my sight, you corn-fed man-cow!

"The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (#18.18)" (2007)
[The Little League team is egging the crowd]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm missing all the fun.
Waylon Smithers: Allow me, sir.
[Lifts Burns over his shoulders]
Mr. Burns: [As he is pelted with eggs] Ah, what glorious goo!

"The Simpsons: Lady Bouvier's Lover (#5.21)" (1994)
[Mr. Burns is waiting in the Simpsons' living room to pick up Mrs. Bouvier for their date]
Bart Simpson: Hi. You know, my grandma really likes it when her boyfriends are nice to me. She especially likes it when they give me money.
Montgomery Burns: Run along, Peewee. Baby gets nothing.
Bart Simpson: Very well. You leave me no choice.
[raises a water pistol]
Bart Simpson: This gun is filled with ketchup.
[raises a second]
Bart Simpson: This one with mustard. Now give me 350 bucks or you're gonna be a mess for your date!
Montgomery Burns: [stands] You don't have the guts!

"The Simpsons: A Test Before Trying (#24.10)" (2013)
Mr. Largo: We had to sell all our trombone mutes.
Nelson Muntz: [with trombone mute] Wah-wah!
Mr. Largo: Oh, why did I sell one to Nelson?
Nelson Muntz: Wah-wah!
Mr. Largo: Anyway, he's far better than anyone in the band.

"The Simpsons: Deep Space Homer (#5.15)" (1994)
Mr. Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whomever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.

"The Simpsons: The Devil Wears Nada (#21.5)" (2009)
Mr. Burns: Congratulations, I dub thee king of the morons, also known as supervisor for sector 7-G.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIV (#25.2)" (2013)
Mr. Burns: Behold, the most hideous of all!
[Opens curtain to reveal Moe]
Moe Szyslak: How you doin'?
[Crowd gasps in horror]
Moe Szyslak: Anyone here from New Jersey?
[Woman raises her hand]
Moe Szyslak: I'm going there next week.
[Woman screams and faints]

"The Simpsons: The Great Phatsby (#28.12)" (2017)
Mr. Burns: I swear on the squid beak of Lord Cthulhu and all his briny shoggoths, I will get revenge on you, Jay G.
Homer Simpson: [narrating] And so Mr. Burns beat on, fists against the hologram, punching back ceaselessly into his own face.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Date with Density (#8.7)" (1996)
Mr Burns: Eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd be happier with the dollar.

"The Simpsons: Homer's Odyssey (#1.3)" (1990)
Mr. Burns: [to Homer] You're not as stupid as you look... or sound... or our best testing indicates.

"The Simpsons: Bart's Inner Child (#5.7)" (1993)
Brad Goodman: Okay, folks, let me hear what's troubling you. Don't be shy, yell it out. Everybody, go!
"Diamond" Joe Quimby: I, uh, can't commit to a relationship!
Montgomery Burns: I'm too nice!
Apu: I have problems with...
Lenny: [interrupts] I'm always interrupting people!

"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Homer (#5.9)" (1993)
Waylon Smithers: [a red warning light begins flashing in Mr.Burns's office] Someone is charging room service to the company, sir!
Montgomery Burns: Well, we'll see about that!
Montgomery Burns: [Burns uncovers a cage full of black monkeys that have tiny wings, and opens it] Fly, my pretties! Fly! Fly!
Montgomery Burns: [the monkeys all leap out Burns's window and instead of flying away, fall like stones to the ground below] Ungh... Continue the research!

"The Simpsons: Stark Raving Dad (#3.1)" (1991)
Montgomery Burns: Why is that man wearing pink? Smithers, who is that?
Waylon Smithers: Homer Simpson, one of your boobs from sector 7-G.
Montgomery Burns: Simpson, eh? Judging from his attire, he must be some kind of free-thinking anarchist.
Waylon Smithers: I'll alert security.
Montgomery Burns: Excellent! These color monitors are already paying for themselves.

"The Simpsons: D'oh-in' in the Wind (#10.6)" (1998)
Montgomery Burns: Ah, lunchtime! Well, let's see what I've packed for myself today. One bullion cube... one Concord grape... one Philly cheese-steak... and a jar of garlic pickles! No one will want to kiss me after these, eh, Smithers?
Waylon Smithers: Well, it's their loss, sir.
Montgomery Burns: [laughs uneasily] Yes.

"The Simpsons: To Surveil, with Love (#21.20)" (2010)
Smithers: Sir, that nuclear waste concealment unit that was supposed to last a thousand years is full.
Mr. Burns: Hmmm. Have you tried stamping it down?
Smithers: It just popped up in another place. We need a place to get rid of this plutonium.
Mr. Burns: Just pick the biggest idiot in the plant and put the plutonium in his bag.
[Sees Homer and his new Duff bag through the surveilance cameras]
Mr. Burns: That's a bingo.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVII (#18.4)" (2006)
Montgomery Burns: Hello, boils and ghouls. I am the Crypt Keeper. Or should I say Master of Scary-Monies?

"The Simpsons: Burns, Baby Burns (#8.4)" (1996)
Montgomery Burns: Smithers, take off my belt.
Waylon Smithers: With pleasure, sir.

"The Simpsons: Missionary: Impossible (#11.15)" (2000)
Mr. Burns: Simpson. I've been reviewing your performance record, and it is appalling. It says here that you caused 17 meltdowns.
Bart: I'm not Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: I know who Homer Simpson is. Not only that, but you also sold plutonium to the Iraqis... with no mark-up.

"The Simpsons: The Blue and the Gray (#22.13)" (2011)
Mr. Burns: Now which of you wants to be the sliced haddock in a geezer sandwich?

"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)
Mr. Burns: Kent Brockman is threathening our ill-gotten gains.
Rich Texan: Goldarn it! I worked hard to ill-get those gains!

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Pony (#3.8)" (1991)
[Homer goes to the plant credit union to get a loan to buy Lisa a pony]
Homer: Uh, I'd like to borrow $5,000.
Bank Clerk: Sorry, I can't approve a loan that size myself.
[she walks off; Mr. Burns and Smithers appear]
Mr. Burns: Hello.
Homer: Aah!
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? How can I help you?
Homer: Mr. Burns, you do this personally?
Mr. Burns: Oh, it's a hobby. I'm not in this for any personal gain, heavens no! By the way, are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?
Homer: Us-ury?
Mr. Burns: Oh, silly me! I must have just made up a word that doesn't exist. Now, what is the purpose of this loan?
Homer: I want to buy a pony.
Mr. Burns: Isn't that cute! Smithers, he's planning on joining the horsey set!
[lowers voice]
Mr. Burns: That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?
Homer: No, I need to get it for my little girl because she doesn't love me any more...
Smithers: Shut up, Simpson.
Homer: Sorry.
Smithers: Do you have any collateral?
Mr. Burns: Oh Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral. Just sign this form, and the money will be yours.
Mr. Burns: [as Homer begins to sign, Burns starts laughing evilly]
Mr. Burns: Sorry, I was just, um, thinking of something funny Smithers did today.
Smithers: I didn't do anything funny, sir.
Mr. Burns: [whispering] Shut up!

"The Simpsons: Specs and the City (#25.11)" (2014)
Mr. Burns: [Catches Homer in his office] Who are you?
Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns: Oh, sorry, Mr. Burns. I won't trouble you again.

"The Simpsons: Simple Simpson (#15.19)" (2004)
Mr. Burns: [removes Pie Man's mask and gasps] Simpson! You'll rue the day you took a pie tin, made two holes for eyes, and tied a rubber band around the back!
Homer Simpson: It's not a rubber band, it's a Scrunchie!

"The Simpsons: 24 Minutes (#18.21)" (2007)
Mr. Burns: Simpson, take your putrid filth far away from here, you soulless land whale.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! Business trip!

"The Simpsons: Mathlete's Feat (#26.22)" (2015)
Mr. Burns: [after a power surge] Was that us?
Waylon Smithers: No, sir.
Mr. Burns: [Chuckles] I love it when it's not us.

"The Simpsons: Gorgeous Grampa (#24.14)" (2013)
Mr. Burns: What are you doing, Godfrey? You're a villain, not a bullet-brained rail-splitter!

"The Simpsons: Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder (#11.6)" (1999)
Lenny: Hey Carl, check out the overhead scoreboard.
Carl: [laughs] Poo... Ah, Homer. What whacky name do you want?
Homer Simpson: Are poo and ass taken?
Carl: Yeah.
Homer Simpson: Damn! Could my life get any worse?
[Burns appears on Homer's bowling ball]
Montgomery Burns: Simpson! Duhf, even for a bowler you're fat.
Homer Simpson: Hey guys, is it normal to see Burns' face on a bowling ball?
Lenny: Nnh, actually I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode.
Homer Simpson: Ugh, what a rotten day!
[Homer rolls a strike]
Lenny: Wow, a strike. Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I taking these?
[Lenny throws out his pills]

"The Simpsons: Simpsons Christmas Stories (#17.9)" (2005)
Santa Claus: ...Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!
Burns: Excellent, a German!

"The Simpsons: The Color Yellow (#21.13)" (2010)
Colonel Burns: I don't like this new Viennese fad called the waltz. One-two-three, one-two-three... where's the four? There's always a four on music.
Smithers: I'll talk to the conductor to see if he can change the time signature.
Colonel Burns: See that you do.

"The Simpsons: No Loan Again, Naturally (#20.12)" (2009)
Auctioneer: Do I hear a hundred thousand?
[Mr. Burns lifts his paddle]
Waylon Smithers: Sir, why do you even want this house?
Mr. Burns: I need a place to store my cufflinks.
Auctioneer: Are there any more bids? Hundred thousand going once, going twice...
Ned Flanders: One hundred and one thousand!
Mr. Burns: Pass. I already lifted this thing once. I'm not Hercules.

"The Simpsons: How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window? (#22.7)" (2010)
Mr. Burns: [Reads note from pigeon] "Do a little dance while wearing no clothes." Bad grammar. Good advice.

"The Simpsons: A Tale of Two Springfields (#12.2)" (2000)
Mr. Burns: [answering the phone] Ahoy hoy?

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Vegetarian (#7.5)" (1995)
Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage. When pigs fly!
[both Burns and Smithers start laughing, but then a pig flies by their window]
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
Mr. Burns: Hmm, no I'd still prefer not.

"The Simpsons: Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk (#3.11)" (1991)
[after selling the plant, Burns is clearing out his office]
Montgomery Burns: Now, Smithers, I know that you've always had your eye on this photo of Elvis and me.
Smithers: He was so good to his mother.
Montgomery Burns: Yes. But, you know, I couldn't understand a word that man said.
[imitating Elvis]
Montgomery Burns: "Mr. Burns..."
[mumbling and muttering]
Montgomery Burns: ...hound dog."
Smithers: [laughing] Stop it, you're killing me!

"The Simpsons: Homerpalooza (#7.24)" (1996)
Mr. Burns: [chuckles] And to think, Smithers: you laughed when I bought TicketMaster. "Nobody's going to pay a 100% service charge."
Waylon Smithers: Well, it's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir.

"The Simpsons: Puffless (#27.3)" (2015)
Abraham Simpson: Nothing can top an old man's romantic gesture.
Charles Montgomery Burns: [Arrives inside a gift box hauled by Smithers] Except a rich man flaunting his wealth.
Abraham Simpson: Oh, the one thing I can't compete against: competition.

"The Simpsons: The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants (#23.7)" (2011)
Carl: Wow, everyone from the nuclear plant is here. Except the bosses, of course.
Lenny: Yeah. Not even Homer would be stupid enough to invite...
Mr. Burns: So this is the famous party?

"The Simpsons: Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes (#20.1)" (2008)
Lisa Simpson: Woo-hoo! St. Patrick's Day! I love how they made the river green!
Mr. Burns: Actually, my nuclear plant did that. And now that you know, your life is in danger...
[walks off humming]

"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Maybe (#21.11)" (2010)
Charles Montgomery Burns: [Playing a WWII game] Wait, I'm shooting at Nazis? That's not how I remember it.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Hit by a Car (#2.10)" (1991)
Lawyer: Your Honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men.
Mr. Burns: I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!

"The Simpsons: Girly Edition (#9.21)" (1998)
[Burns and Smither have been watching Bart Simpson's human interest story on ducks. Burns is crying]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers: There's no maybe about it, Sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets an Elephant (#5.17)" (1994)
Mr. Blackheart: Well, little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: whale-hunter, seal-clubber, president of the Fox network. And yes, like most people, I've dealt a little ivory.

"The Simpsons: The Blunder Years (#13.5)" (2001)
Mr. Burns: What are you doing in my corpse hatch?
Chief Wiggum: Mr. Burns, you're under arrest for murder.
Mr. Burns: Uh, did I say corpse hatch? I meant innocence tube.

"The Simpsons: Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and Gays (#15.8)" (2004)
Mr. Burns: I love children, particularly their young supple organs.

"The Simpsons: Thursdays with Abie (#21.9)" (2010)
Mr. Burns: ...And that's how you win an opium war.
Homer Simpson: Oh, great stuff. And the life lesson is?
Mr. Burns: The Yangtze River swallows all secrets.
Homer Simpson: Hmm. I'm just gonna put ''Haste makes waste''.
Mr. Burns: Yes, although, these days, I can make neither haste nor waste.

"The Simpsons: My Mother the Carjacker (#15.2)" (2003)
Montgomery Burns: [inhaling ether] Man, that's good E!

"The Simpsons: The Kid Is All Right (#25.6)" (2013)
Mr. Burns: I love the Spanish, from the Inquisition to the delightful Franco years.

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Skeptic (#9.8)" (1997)
[Speaking about the skeleton she found]
Lisa: It could be a mutant from the power plant.
Mr. Burns: That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers - oops, I've said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr. Burns: Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you're done as well.