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Mr. Burns (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: Last Exit to Springfield (#4.17)" (1993)

Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: [thinking] My God. He *is* coming onto me.
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.
[chuckle]
Mr. Burns: [wink]
Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh!
[aloud]
Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.

Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: [thinking] My God! He IS coming onto me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.
[chuckle]
Mr. Burns: [wink]
Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh!
Homer: [aloud] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

Mr. Burns: Who is that fireband, Smithers?
Smithers: That's Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.

[Mr. Burns is reminiscing about his grandfather's old Atom Smashing Plant]
Burns' Grandfather: Come on, men! Smash those atoms! You there, turn out your pockets.
[Two goons seize a waifish worker and turn out his pockets]
Burns' Grandfather: Aha - atoms! One, two, three, four... SIX of them! Take him away!
Waif: You can't treat the working man this way! One of these days we'll form a union, and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and become corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Burns' Grandfather: The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Ha ha! Bosh! Flimshaw!
Mr. Burns: Oh, if only we'd listened to that young man, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

Kent Brockman: Now, Mr. Burns, you said you wanted an opening tirade.
Mr. Burns: Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city. No one will be spared. NO ONE.
Kent Brockman: [chuckles] A chilling portrait of things to come.

Mr. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have finished the greatest novel known to man.
[reads a page]
Mr. Burns: All right, let's see... ”It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?" You stupid monkey.

Mr. Burns: Now, let's get down to business.
Homer: [thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
Mr. Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking. I want to take the pressure off. Now, it doesn't take a 'whiz' to know that you're looking out for 'Number One'. Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon.

Homer: [thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
Mr. Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to see that you're looking out for Number One.
[as he speaks, there is a leaky pipe dripping in the background, and Smithers pours him coffee from a pot with a long spout]
Mr. Burns: Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon!
[He gestures, knocking his coffee cup and causing some to spill into the saucer]
Homer: Oh, which way to the bathroom?

[doorbell rings]
Homer: Who is it?
Male Voice: Goons.
Homer: Who?
Male Voice: Hired goons.
Homer: [opening door] Hired Goons?
[the goons grab Homer roughly and take him away. One steps back into the doorway and shakes his tie. They take him to Burns' Mansion]
Mr. Burns: Ah, Homer. I hope "Crusher" and "Low Blow" didn't hurt you.
Homer: Y'know, you could have just called me.
Mr. Burns: Oh yes, but the telephone is so impersonal. I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons.
Homer: Hired Goons?

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 1 (#6.25)" (1995)

Homer: [gets a package that has to be sent out but returns it to Mr. Burn's office] Here's your package, Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns: My name is the return address! Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
Homer: [thinking] I've worked here for 10 years and my boss doesn't even know my name! Well, that's going to change right now!
Homer: My name is Homer J. Simp...
[Homer gets hit on the head with a weight that says 1000 Grams]
Mr. Burns: Hm, sounded large when I ordered it. I don't think I should bother with these metric booby traps!

Mr. Burns: Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about?
[pause, then a gasp]
Mr. Burns: I see. I think you'd better drop it. I said... drop it!
[grunts of a struggle]
Mr. Burns: Get... your... hands... off!
Marge Simpson: Where is everyone?
[gunshot]

[after a gunshot is heard, Burns staggers out of the alley, clutching a bleeding wound in his chest]
Jimbo: Hey, man. Are you okay?
Mr. Burns: Won't... dignify that... with response.
[collapses on the sundial]

Mr. Burns: Have you ever seen the sun set at 3pm?
Sea Captain: Aye, once. When I was sailing 'round the Arctic...
Mr. Burns: Shut up, you. Take one last look at the sun, Springfield!
[activates the Sunblocker]

Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I shall do the next best thing: block it out.

Smithers: [over the intercom] Principal Skinner, this is a secretary. There's one more student who wishes to speak to you.
Principal Skinner: That strange, I don't have a secretary... or an intercom, but send him in.
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters dressed as a student] Ahoy there, dean. I understand that you're taking suggestions from students. Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking if you were to reinvest that money back into the local energy concern.
Principal Skinner: [clears throat] Mr. Burns...
[Burns exclaims in shock]
Principal Skinner: It was naive of you to think I'd mistake this town's most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students.

Moe Szyslak: I lost my bar!
Barney Gumble: I lost his bar!
Lisa Simpson: He robbed the school of music!
Principal Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito!
Homer: He can't remember my name!
Marge Simpson: He's causing us all to yell!
[Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]
Bart Simpson: Look what he did to my best friend!
[Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies]
Bart Simpson: No, my dog!
[Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?

"The Simpsons: $pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (#5.10)" (1993)

[Smithers and Mr. Burns at the Casino]
Smithers: I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.
Mr. Burns: Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

Smithers: [holding a model airplane] We'll take the spruce moose! Hop in!
Smithers: But sir, it's just a mod...
Mr. Burns: [takes out a pistol] I said, "Hop in."

Mr. Burns: Thank you for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.
Henry Kissinger: It was fun.
Smithers: We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.
Henry Kissinger: Yes, well, I'm sure I left them in the car.
[thinking]
Henry Kissinger: No one must know I dropped my glasses in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords.

Captain McAllister: [pitching an idea to Burns with a painting of a ship] I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail 'round the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.
Mr. Burns: We're building a casino!
Captain McAllister: Arr... can you give me five minutes?

Mr. Burns: Smithers do you think you could dig up Al Jolson?
Smithers: Ummm... Remember we tried that?
Mr. Burns: Oh right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.

"The Simpsons: A Star Is Burns (#6.18)" (1995)

Marge: Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought.
Rainer Wolfcastle: ["Six months later"] And the Oscar goes to...
Montgomery Burns: Oh, I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood.
Rainer Wolfcastle: ...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football".
[everyone applauds; Burns steams]
Rainer Wolfcastle: [a screen shows George C. Scott standing there and a football hitting him in the groin]
George C. Scott: [doubling over] Aargh! My groin.

Mr. Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg.
Smithers: He's unavailable.
Mr. Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent.

Mr. Burns: OK, Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
Sr. Spielbergo: Schindler es muy bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo.
Mr. Burns: Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!

Smithers: Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.
Montgomery Burns: Excellent.
[a policeman wheels Hannibal Lecter in]
Hannibal Lecter: Excellent.
[makes the infamous slurping sound]
Montgomery Burns: Next.
William Shatner: Exc-ell-ent.
Montgomery Burns: Next.
Homer: Exactly.
[chuckles]
Homer: D'oh!
Montgomery Burns: [irritated] Next!
Bumblebee Man: ¡Excellente!
Sr. Spielbergo: Es muy bueno.
Montgomery Burns: Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns' film is being booed by the audience] Smithers, are they booing me?
Smithers: Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns".
Mr. Burns: [Stands and faces the audience] Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"?
[the audience boos and throws rubbish at him]
Hans Moleman: I was saying "Boo-urns"!

"The Simpsons: Monty Can't Buy Me Love (#10.21)" (1999)

Mr. Burns: [asking Homer how he can let people like him] Simpson! I want to be loved again.
Homer: Well, I'll need some beer.

Burns: Uh, Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved.
Homer Simpson: I see. Well... I'll need some beer.

Burns: And a stunt like that impresses people?
Homer Simpson: Oh yeah, and I'm not easily impressed. Woah, a blue car!
Burns: If a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers can win people's hearts, I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time.
Homer Simpson: A sober Irishman?
Burns: Even rarer.

Mr. Burns: [after draining Lake Loch Ness, he sees something resembling it] That's it! I see the monster!
Groundskeeper Willie: [once all the water is drained] Nay! That's merely a Loch Ness discarded Homecoming float.
Homer: [they walk into the drained lake and Homer sees, STOMP ABERDEEN inscribed on it] No way! Aberdeen rules!
[the real Loch Ness Monster appears, crushes the float and roars, Mr. Burns, Homer, Groundskeeper Willie and Professor Frink all gasp. Homer looks at the Nessie like "Macarena Monster" doll, then looks at Nessie]
Homer: God, it's him!
Mr. Burns: Come on boys, overpower it.
[Groundskepper Willie, Homer, and Professor Frink walk away, whistling]
Mr. Burns: Fine. I'll do it myself.
[takes off his coat and tie and rolls up his sleeves, the next thing you know, Nessie is being held in a net under the helicopter]
Groundskeeper Willie: [in the helicopter] That was amazing, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: I was most worried when he swallowed me, but then, well, you know the rest. And now for my triumphant return to Springfield!

Homer: [after Mr. Burns got blinded by camera flashes at the unveiling of the Loch Ness Monster and accidentally set the stage on fire] If you wanted people to love you. You sure blew it with that insane rampage. But you know what? To be loved you have to be nice to people. Every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat.
Mr. Burns: You know, perhaps you're right. I got so swept up with the notion of being loved I completely forgot who I am. I'm a selfish old crank. And that fits me like a Speedo.
Homer: [the Loch Ness Monster nuzzles Mr. Burns and Homer, sort of purring] So. What do we do with our friend here? Throw him in the dumpster?
Mr. Burns: No, no, no. I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home.
Homer: [cut to the Vegas Town Casino, where The Loch Ness Monster is wearing a tuxedo and bow tie, also half the size it originally was, Homer takes the free pull on a slot machine and results "jackpot, jackpot, lemon"] Doh!
Mr. Burns: Tough luck. Simpson.
Homer: Come on Nessie, one more pull.
[Nessie kind of roars]
Homer: Okay. Okay. Want a shrimp cocktail?
[Nessie shakes its head]
Homer: Yeah. They're not great.

"The Simpsons: Homer the Smithers (#7.17)" (1996)

Moe Szyslak: [Mr. Burns has sent Smithers on vacation. Deciding he needs him back, he tries to call him, but, not knowing how to use a telephone, he simply dials the name S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. It turns out he has dialed Moe's Tavern] Moe's Tavern.
Montgomery Burns: Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon?
Moe Szyslak: [Thinking it is a crank call] Oh, Waylon Smithers, huh? Listen to me, you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove'em down your pants! So you can watch me kick the crap of out you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

Homer Simpson: Okay Mr. Burns Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes to move your car." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."
Homer Simpson: [Phone Rings] Hello?
Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?

Mr. Burns: I'll have my lunch now: a single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct...
Mr. Burns: Get going. And answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.

Montgomery Burns: Donuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food!

"The Simpsons: A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love (#13.4)" (2001)

Mr. Burns: So, what shall we do tomorrow? Go grousing? Or, if you'd rather stay home you could sing, while I accompany you on the clavichord.
Gloria: Actually, Monty, I...
Mr. Burns: Or, I've got some wonderful stereopticon images of the Crimean War.
Gloria: Look, I had a lot of fun today, but I don't think we're right for each other. The age difference is just too...
Mr. Burns: Oh, balderdash. It's not important how old you are on parchment, it's how old you feel in the humours!
Gloria: I'm sorry, Monty...

Mr. Burns: So, what shall we do tomorrow? Go grousing? Or, if you'd rather stay home you could sing, while I accompany you on the clavichord.
Gloria: Actually, Monty, I...
Mr. Burns: Or, I've got some wonderful stereopticon images of the Crimean War.
Gloria: Look, I had a lot of fun today, but I don't think we're right for each other. The age difference is just too...
Mr. Burns: Oh, balderdash. It's not important how old you are on parchment, it's how old you feel in the humors!
Gloria: I'm sorry, Monty...

Mr. Burns: So, what shall we do tomorrow? Go grousing? Or, if you'd rather stay home you could sing, while I accompany you on the clavichord...
Gloria: Actually, Monty, I...
Mr. Burns: Or, I've got some wonderful stereopticon images of the Crimean War!
Gloria: Look, I had a lot of fun today, but I don't think we're right for each other. The age difference is just too...
Mr. Burns: Oh, balderdash. It's not important how old you are on parchment, it's how old you feel in the humours!
Gloria: I'm sorry, Monty...

Mr. Burns: So, what shall we do tomorrow? Go grousing? Or, if you'd rather stay home you could sing, while I accompany you on the clavichord...
Gloria: Actually, Monty, I...
Mr. Burns: Or, I've got some wonderful stereopticon images of the Crimean War!
Gloria: Look, I had a lot of fun today, but I don't think we're right for each other. The age difference is just too...
Mr. Burns: Oh, balderdash. It's not important how old you are on parchment, it's how old you feel in the humours!
Gloria: I'm sorry, Monty...

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)

Lisa Simpson: Dad, Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!
Montgomery Burns: Why, Bart's right here!
Bart Simpson: Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
Homer Simpson: Oh, Lisa! You and your stories! "Dad, Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's get back to that... building thingy... where our beds and T.V... is.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you notice anything strange?
Homer Simpson: Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.
Montgomery Burns: I heard that!
Homer Simpson: [quickly points to Bart] It was the boy!

Montgomery Burns: [welcoming the Simpsons via intercom at the front door] Welcome! Please come in...
[sinisterly]
Montgomery Burns: Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.
Waylon Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.
Montgomery Burns: Oh, son of a bi-
[door opens]

[watching Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor]
Mr. Burns: Hmm... who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.

"The Simpsons: King Size Homer (#7.7)" (1995)

Mr. Burns: Smithers, what's the name of this gastropod?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of your chair moisteners from Sector 7-G.

Mr. Burns: [Trying to get a 300-lb. Homer to do sit-ups to lose weight] One... one... one! Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction!
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!

Mr. Burns: Not now. There's enough time for the frozen pudding wagon later.

Mr. Burns: [leading the employee calisthenics program] Raise your left hock! Aerate! Raise your right hock! Aerate! Let's go! I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts, and less Franklin Roosevelts!

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 2 (#7.1)" (1995)

Mr. Burns: Officers, arrest the baby.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Well, maybe Texas.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut.

Dr. Nick Riviera: Hi everybody!
Mr. Burns: [to the tune of "Hi Dr. Nick"] Ho-mer Simp-son!
Dr. Nick Riviera: Okay, that was weird

Mr. Burns: Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.

"The Simpsons: Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish' (#7.22)" (1996)

Montgomery Burns: Terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl.
Lisa Simpson: Santa?

Montgomery Burns: There, Simpson seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine.
Grampa: Over my dead body, it will!
Montgomery Burns: That's exactly the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?
[Grampa's pants fall down with a "boing" sound]
Grampa: How long was that?

Montgomery Burns: Then it's agreed. Of course, we can't sell the paintings now, we'd be caught. How many of you are familiar with the concept of a "tontine"?
Montgomery Burns: All right, Ox. Why don't you take us through it?
Ox: Duh, essentially, we all enter into a contract whereby the last surviving participant becomes the sole possessor of all them purty pictures.
Montgomery Burns: Well put, Oxford.

Montgomery Burns: Fernando Vidal? It's M.B.
Fernando Vidal: Ah, Marion Barry! Is it time for another shipment?

"The Simpsons: Homer at the Bat (#3.17)" (1992)

[Mr. Burns made a bet that the plant softball team would beat Shelbyville]
Mr. Burns: I've decided to bring in a few ringers, professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown...
Smithers: Uh, sir?
Mr. Burns: What is it, Smithers?
Smithers: I'm afraid all of those players have retired and, uh... passed on. In fact, your right-fielder has been dead for a hundred and thirty years.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, is it wrong to cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Mr. Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if *I* cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?
Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed?

[to his softball team]
Mr. Burns: All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits! You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers, you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have told you over the course of your lives, and go out there and win!

Mr. Burns: What about Clemens?
Smithers: Sir. He's in no condition to play.
Roger Clemens: Bak bak bak bak
Mr. Burns: That Damn hippnitist.
Mr. Burns: You! Look at what you've done. My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken.

"The Simpsons: Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish (#2.4)" (1990)

Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Mr. Burns: You can't do this to me! I'm Charles Montgomery Burns!

Mr. Burns: Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.

[Burns is attempting to bribe the nuclear inspectors.]
Mr. Burns: Look, Smithers! Some foolish individual has left thousands and thousands of dollars on this table! Let's step outside and, hopefully, when we return, the money will be gone.
[Burns steps outside for a few moments. When he steps back in, the nuclear inspector hasn't touched the money.]
Mr. Burns: [angrily] Look, Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here!
Nuclear inspector: Mr. Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to bribe me.
Mr. Burns: Is there some confusion about this?
[starts stuffing money in his pockets]
Mr. Burns: Take it! Take it, you poor schmo!

"The Simpsons: He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs (#19.1)" (2007)

Mr. Burns: You saved my life. There must be something I can do for you.
Homer's Brain: A cookie! No, a car! No, a cookie!
Mr. Burns: You're getting a free dinner...
Homer Simpson: Gasp!
Mr. Burns: ...with...
Homer Simpson: Yeah?
Mr. Burns: ...me!
Homer Simpson: Me? But that's you!

Waylon Smithers: But what happened to that mini phone I gave you, sir?
Mr. Burns: That was a phone? I thought it was a lemon drop.
[Burns' belly starts to vibrate]
Waylon Smithers: I'll get your last listed number.

Mr. Burns: Now to enjoy the Miami of Canada: Chicago.

The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Montgomery Burns: Smithers... I don't believe in suicide, but if you'd like to try it, it might cheer me up to watch.

Montgomery Burns: Well, for once, the rich white man is in control.

Montgomery Burns: So, you want some of my electricity, do you? Well, for once, the rich, white man is in control. I have two buttons behind my desk. One will provide your town with electricity, the other releases the hounds. Reach me. Make me your brother.
Dr. Hibbert: The generator on the hospital is about to give out. Lives will be lost.
Montgomery Burns: [writing down] Lives... lost. Go on.
Chief Wiggum: We have a convict we're gonna fry tomorrow, but now we can't.
Montgomery Burns: Tempting, tempting...
Apu: Look, all of our reasons mean nothing. Just look inside your heart and you will find the answer.
[Smithers waves frantically and shakes his head no; cut to outside of mansion as screaming and barking is heard inside]
Apu: Aaah!
Montgomery Burns: First door on the right.
Apu: Thank you.
Chief Wiggum, Apu, Dr. Hibbert: [as they run out chased by dogs] Aaah!

"The Simpsons: Scenes from a Class Struggle in Springfield (#7.14)" (1996)

[Homer and Mr. Burns are playing golf; Homer is in a sand trap]
Mr. Burns: For god sakes, man. Use an open-faced club. The sand wedge.
Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.

Mr. Burns: Who is that lavatory links man, Smithers?
Waylon Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. One of the fork and spoon operators from sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle. Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh?
Waylon Smithers: His waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his
[imitating Nixon]
Mr. Burns: "Oh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!"
[Smithers laughs]
Mr. Burns: I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?
Waylon Smithers: Unlikely, sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently.
Mr. Burns: Bah! Schedule a game and I'll ask him myself.

Homer Simpson: Good morning, Mr. Burns. Beautiful day to be outside, isn't it?
Mr. Burns: Rant on, Simpson, but your vainglorious boasting will only add savor to my inevitable triumph.
Homer Simpson: [pause] Yes.

"The Simpsons: There's No Disgrace Like Home (#1.4)" (1990)

[Greeting the Simpsons at the company picnic, Burns reads from a card]
Mr. Burns: And this must be, uh... Brat.
Bart: Bart.
Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat.

Mr. Burns: [after seeing Homer give Bart 5 dollars for a kiss] I never saw such an obvious attempt to curry my favor!
Weyland Smithers: Fabulous observation sir, just fabulous!

Weyland Smithers: [watching the city lights flicker on and off] Wow!, somebody's really gobbling up the juice, Sir!
Mr. Burns: Excellent! Excellent! Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as the dodo!

"The Simpsons: Burns' Heir (#5.18)" (1994)

Milhouse: [auditioning to become Burns's heir] I have nothing to offer you but my love.
Mr. Burns: I specifically said, no geeks!
Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool!
Nelson: Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
Martin Prince: [singing] Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring, went the bell / Zing, Zing, Zing, went my heartstrings...
[Nelson cold-cocks him]
Mr. Burns: Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

Mr. Burns: All right, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "e," you can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, okay. I'm a good... work... guy...
Mr. Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say it.
Mr. Burns: You will.
[He pulls a lever, dropping Lenny down a trapdoor]
Lenny: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Actor Homer: I do not miss Bart at all.
Actor Marge: I am glad he's gone.
Actress Lisa: As am I.
Actor Homer: [drops sandwich] Boh!
Bart: It's probably my imagination but something about them didn't seem quite right.
Mr. Burns: Really? excuse me for just a moment.
Mr. Burns: [Mr.Burns walks from the control room out into the studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place] People, that was all wrong. Homer Simpson does not say Boh! He says.
[checks script]
Mr. Burns: Doh!
Actor Homer: [taking off a Homer mask to reveal someone who looks suspiciously like Michael Caine] Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some sort of neurological impairment, like "Rain Man" or "Awakenings"? I mean, what the hell am I doing here?
Actor Marge: And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of "Murphy Brown."
Actress Lisa: Hey, we are really getting into golden time here.
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, do it right, or you'll all go back to doing "Come Blow Your Horn" at the Westport Dinner Theater.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)

Montgomery Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV, and the beer supply, I'll be able to ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lifes...
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Montgomery Burns: Mmm, perhaps. Tell you what, we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.

Montgomery Burns: That's odd, Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

Mr. Burns: This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
Homer: [shudders] Oh... John Denver.

"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)

Alien: I bring you love.
Lenny: It's bringing love, don't let it get away!
Carl: Break its legs.
[everyone starts to advance on the alien]
Lisa: Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien.
[Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns in a twisted and disoriented state]
Mr. Burns: [in a high-toned voice] Hello, children. I bring you love.
Willy: Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it!
Smithers: It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns!
Willy: Aww, it's Mr. Burns! KILL IT! KILL IT!

Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

Mr. Burns: And now that I am back to normal I don't bring love. I bring hate, fear and…
Dr. Nick Riviera: Time for your booster!
Mr. Burns: Good morning starshine...

"The Simpsons: Mountain of Madness (#8.12)" (1997)

Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, frankly you've been a bit of a pill lately.
Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?

Homer: You know, Mr Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

[Mr. Burns and Homer arrive at a snowy campsite]
Mr. Burns: This propane tank will supply us with heat, and...
[Approaches front door]
Mr. Burns: ...this doorknob, when properly turned, will provide access to the cabin.

"The Simpsons: Homer Defined (#3.5)" (1991)

Smithers: Sir, they may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on earth socially awkward.

Computer: Warning, problem in Sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: 7-G? Good God, who's the safety inspector there?
Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, sir.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Good man, intelligent?
Smithers: Actually, sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap.
Mr. Burns: [bitterly] Thank you, President Ford.

Mr. Burns: Well, Smithers, I guess there's nothing left to do but kiss my ass good-bye.
Smithers: May I, sir?

"The Simpsons: The Burns and the Bees (#20.8)" (2008)

Mr. Burns: Smithers, who is that man, and why is his enthusiasm not being punished?
Smithers: That's Mark Cuban, the most flamboyant owner in the league.
Mark Cuban: [sliding down a cable while holding sparklers] I'm out of my mind!

Mark Cuban: What's the use of owning a basketball team if you don't have fun?
Mr. Burns: Fun? Is that how it's pronounced? I've only seen it written.

Lisa Simpson: Mr. Burns, you can't do that.
Mr. Burns: I can, I am, and soon I shall have been. I'm unstoppable!
[Turns around and walks into a tree]
Mr. Burns: Have his acorns killed and make him watch.

The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)

Mr. Burns: You hully, I'll gully.

Mr. Burns: Who is that masked fellow?

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror II (#3.7)" (1991)

[Homer yelps as Smithers and Mr. Burns drag him through a cemetary in a bag]
Smithers: Listen, sir! Did you hear that?
Mr. Burns: [mockingly] No I didn't! What was it? Frankenstein? The booger man?
Smithers: It's the man in the bag, sir! I think he's alive.
Mr. Burns: Oh.
[beats Homer with shovel]
Mr. Burns: Bad corpse! Bad corpse! Stop... scaring... Smithers! Satisfied?
Smithers: Thank you, sir.

[Mr. Burns has put Homer's brain into a robot]
Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers, I was wrong to play God. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with. Now take out that brain and flush it down the toilet!

"The Simpsons: Mother Simpson (#7.8)" (1995)

Mr. Burns: My germs! My precious germs! They never harmed a soul! They never had the chance!

Mr. Burns: [in a tanker] I've been waiting 25 years for this moment.
[puts an audio tape in which starts playing Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" but then abruptly changes to ABBA's "Waterloo"]
Waylon Smithers: I'm sorry, sir. I must've taped over that.

"The Simpsons: Blood Feud (#2.22)" (1991)

Mr. Burns: I could crush him like an ant, but it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... oh, what the hell, I'll just crush him like an ant.

[after reading Homer's insulting letter]
Mr. Burns: Senile, am I? Bony arms, are they? Buck-toothed, is it? Liver spots, did they? Chinless, will you?

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III (#4.5)" (1992)

Mr. Burns: [Taking Marge on an expedition] What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.

[off the coast of Ape Island, hearing the natives chant, "Homer, Homer, Homer"]
Otto: Hey, who's this Homer dude?
Mr. Burns: He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape, or a tourist trap concocted by the Ape Island jaycees. Either way, we're going ashore.

"The Simpsons: Homer's Triple Bypass (#4.11)" (1992)

Mr. Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating... Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?
Smithers: Er... no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.
Mr. Burns: Damn their oily hides!

[Homer collapses in Mr. Burns' office. His spirit begins to rise up from his body]
Smithers: Mr. Burns, I think he's dead.
Mr. Burns: Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow.
Homer Simpson: Mmm... ham.
[Homer's spirit returns to his body]
Smithers: No, wait - he's alive!
Mr. Burns: Oh, good. Cancel the ham!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)

Judge Snyder: Mr. Burns, in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life, this court fines you $3million.
Montgomery Burns: Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket.
[Smithers hands over the money]
Montgomery Burns: Oh, and I'll take that statue of justice too.
Judge Snyder: Sold!

Montgomery Burns: [very badly disguised with a fake moustache] Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub. And I come from, uh... someplace far away.
Montgomery Burns: [to himself] Yes, that'll do.
Montgomery Burns: [back to Mayor Quimby] Anyway, I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.
Waylon Smithers: I like the way Snrub thinks.
[everyone looks suspiciously at Mr. Burns, then Smithers fires a rope a the roof, helping Mr. Burns to escape]

"The Simpsons: Two Dozen and One Greyhounds (#6.20)" (1995)

Smithers: Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but not completely full, for you see... /
[singing]
Mr. Burns: Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for, is an outfit that looks good... / See... my... Vest. See my vest. / Made from real gorilla chest. / See this sweater, there's no better, than authentic Irish Setter. / See this hat? 'Twas my cat, / My evening wear vampire bat. / These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino. / Grizzly bear underwear, / Turtle's necks I've got my share. / Beret of Poodle on my noodle I shall rest. / Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two. / See my vest. See my vest. See my vest. / Like my loafers? Former gophers, / It was that or skin my chauffeurs / but a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best. / So let's prepare these dogs...
Maid: Kill two for matching clogs.
Mr. Burns: See my vest, see my vest, oh please won't you see... my... Vest! I really like the vest.
Smithers: I gathered, yeah...
Lisa: He's gonna make a tuxedo out of our puppies!
Bart: [still humming the tune] Na na na na na na naa naaaa...
Lisa: Bart!
Bart: Sorry... You gotta admit it's catchy.

Mr. Burns: Right now I'll be taking my puppies back.
Lisa: But they're ours, you stole them from us!
[Burns gives her a cell phone]
Mr. Burns: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.
[Lisa dials 9-1... ]
Mr. Burns: [snatches it back] Give me that!

The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)

[Homer destroys the surveillance cameras at the power plant]
Homer Simpson: Finally, I can get some sleep.
[the whistle blows]
C. Montgomery Burns: [over P.A. system] Mindless drones! Return to your ugly families!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Homer Simpson: C. Montgomery Burns! I know you're guilty! J'accused! Sir.
C. Montgomery Burns: Fine, I'll admit it. I had Amelia Earhart's plane shot down. That hussy was getting too big for her jodhpurs.

"The Simpsons: I Married Marge (#3.12)" (1991)

Homer: You in charge here?
Mr. Burns: Yes.
Smithers: I'll call security sir.
Homer: If you want the kind of employee that takes abuse I'm your man. You can treat me like dirt and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream.
Mr. Burns: Hold the phone Smithers. I like the cut of your jib.
Smithers: But sir this man not only failed the aptitude test he got trapped in a closet on his way out.
Mr. Burns: I don't care. I haven't been this impressed since a young bootlick named Waylon Smithers.
Homer: You mean?
Mr. Burns: Son you're hired. What's your name?
Homer: Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson eh? I'll remember that name.
Homer: WHOO HOO! Only in America could I get a job.

"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)

Mr. Burns: Kent Brockman is threathening our ill-gotten gains.
Rich Texan: Goldarn it! I worked hard to ill-get those gains!

"The Simpsons: Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk (#3.11)" (1991)

[after selling the plant, Burns is clearing out his office]
Montgomery Burns: Now, Smithers, I know that you've always had your eye on this photo of Elvis and me.
Smithers: He was so good to his mother.
Montgomery Burns: Yes. But, you know, I couldn't understand a word that man said.
[imitating Elvis]
Montgomery Burns: "Mr. Burns...”
[mumbling and muttering]
Montgomery Burns: ...hound dog."
Smithers: [laughing] Stop it, you're killing me!

"The Simpsons: Simpson and Delilah (#2.2)" (1990)

Montgomery Burns: You may find this hard to believe, but in my salad days, my crowning glory was a bright shock of strawberry blonde curls.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Pony (#3.8)" (1991)

[Homer goes to the plant credit union to get a loan to buy Lisa a pony]
Homer: Uh, I'd like to borrow $5,000.
Bank Clerk: Sorry, I can't approve a loan that size myself.
[she walks off; Mr. Burns and Smithers appear]
Mr. Burns: Hello.
Homer: Aah!
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? How can I help you?
Homer: Mr. Burns, you do this personally?
Mr. Burns: Oh, it's a hobby. I'm not in this for any personal gain, heavens no! By the way, are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?
Homer: Us-ury?
Mr. Burns: Oh, silly me! I must have just made up a word that doesn't exist. Now, what is the purpose of this loan?
Homer: I want to buy a pony.
Mr. Burns: Isn't that cute! Smithers, he's planning on joining the horsey set!
[lowers voice]
Mr. Burns: That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?
Homer: No, I need to get it for my little girl because she doesn't love me any more...
Smithers: Shut up, Simpson.
Homer: Sorry.
Smithers: Do you have any collateral?
Mr. Burns: Oh Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral. Just sign this form, and the money will be yours.
Mr. Burns: [as Homer begins to sign, Burns starts laughing evilly]
Mr. Burns: Sorry, I was just, um, thinking of something funny Smithers did today.
Smithers: I didn't do anything funny, sir.
Mr. Burns: [whispering] Shut up!

"The Simpsons: Rosebud (#5.4)" (1993)

Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are going to go far. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones.
Mr. Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.
Joey Ramone: I'd just like to say this gig sucks!
Johnny Ramone: Hey, up yours, Springfield!
Joey Ramone: One, two, three, four!
[the Ramones start playing a tune and singing "Happy Birthday"]
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday to you!
Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: Happy birthday!
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday to you!
Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: Happy birthday!
Joey Ramone: Happy birthday, Burnsey! Happy birthday...
Joey Ramone, Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward: ...to you!
Christopher Ward: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Marky Ramone: Hey, I think they liked us.
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't the...
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!

"The Simpsons: Mona Leaves-a (#19.19)" (2008)

Mr. Burns: Well, well. Who do we have here?
Man: That's what clogged up the launch.
Mr. Burns: Well, hello. Maybe in a different time, you and I could have gone out.
Man: Sir, you know that's just a bag of ashes.
Mr. Burns: I've seen your wife. She's no Mamie Van Doren.

"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)

Mr. Burns: [opens his germ-free chamber and sees Homer in it, eating a sandwich] Who the devil are you?
Homer's Brain: Don't panic. Just come up with a good story.
Homer: My name is Mr. Burns.
Homer's Brain: D'oh!

"The Simpsons: All About Lisa (#19.20)" (2008)

Mr. Burns: I have won every coin, yet I feel strangely empty inside. Oh, there's another coin. That should do it.

"The Simpsons: Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy (#5.14)" (1994)

Montgomery Burns: [Shirtless, as Smithers's screen saver] Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on.
Waylon Smithers: [to Lisa] Um... you probably should ignore that.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)

Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
Bart: Thanks, Mom.
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba.
Marge: Hmmmmm.
Maggie: [sucks pacifier]
Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney Gumble: [belches]
Nelson: Ha-ha.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
[pause, everyone stares at Lisa]
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?

"The Simpsons: Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes (#20.1)" (2008)

Lisa Simpson: Woo-hoo! St. Patrick's Day! I love how they made the river green!
Mr. Burns: Actually, my nuclear plant did that. And now that you know, your life is in danger...
[walks off humming]

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Hit by a Car (#2.10)" (1991)

Lawyer: Your Honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men.
Mr. Burns: I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!

"The Simpsons: Bart's Inner Child (#5.7)" (1993)

Brad Goodman: Okay, folks, let me hear what's troubling you. Don't be shy, yell it out. Everybody, go!
"Diamond" Joe Quimby: I, uh, can't commit to a relationship!
Montgomery Burns: I'm too nice!
Apu: I have problems with ...
Lenny: [interrupts] I'm always interrupting people!

"The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (#18.18)" (2007)

[The Little League team is egging the crowd]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm missing all the fun.
Waylon Smithers: Allow me, sir.
[Lifts Burns over his shoulders]
Mr. Burns: [As he is pelted with eggs] Ah, what glorious goo!

"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Homer (#5.9)" (1993)

Waylon Smithers: [a red warning light begins flashing in Mr.Burns's office] Someone is charging room service to the company, sir!
Montgomery Burns: Well, we'll see about that!
Montgomery Burns: [Burns uncovers a cage full of black monkeys that have tiny wings, and opens it] Fly, my pretties! Fly! Fly!
Montgomery Burns: [the monkeys all leap out Burns's window and instead of flying away, fall like stones to the ground below] Ungh... Continue the research!

"The Simpsons: Stark Raving Dad (#3.1)" (1991)

Montgomery Burns: Why is that man wearing pink? Smithers, who is that?
Waylon Smithers: Homer Simpson, one of your boobs from sector 7-G.
Montgomery Burns: Simpson, eh? Judging from his attire, he must be some kind of free-thinking anarchist.
Waylon Smithers: I'll alert security.
Montgomery Burns: Excellent! These color monitors are already paying for themselves.

"The Simpsons: Lady Bouvier's Lover (#5.21)" (1994)

[Mr. Burns is waiting in the Simpsons' living room to pick up Mrs. Bouvier for their date]
Bart Simpson: Hi. You know, my grandma really likes it when her boyfriends are nice to me. She especially likes it when they give me money.
Montgomery Burns: Run along, Peewee. Baby gets nothing.
Bart Simpson: Very well. You leave me no choice.
[raises a water pistol]
Bart Simpson: This gun is filled with ketchup.
[raises a second]
Bart Simpson: This one with mustard. Now give me 350 bucks or you're gonna be a mess for your date!
Montgomery Burns: [stands] You don't have the guts!

"The Simpsons: D'oh-in' in the Wind (#10.6)" (1998)

Montgomery Burns: Ah, lunchtime! Well, let's see what I've packed for myself today. One bullion cube... one Concord grape... one Philly cheese-steak... and a jar of garlic pickles! No one will want to kiss me after these, eh, Smithers?
Waylon Smithers: Well, it's their loss, sir.
Montgomery Burns: [laughs uneasily] Yes.

"The Simpsons: Marge Gets a Job (#4.7)" (1992)

Mr. Burns: You're fired.
Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off of you.
Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVII (#18.4)" (2006)

Montgomery Burns: Hello, boils and ghouls. I am the Crypt Keeper. Or should I say Master of Scary-Monies?

"The Simpsons: Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder (#11.6)" (1999)

Lenny: Hey Carl, check out the overhead scoreboard.
Carl: [laughs] Poo... Ah, Homer. What whacky name do you want?
Homer Simpson: Are poo and ass taken?
Carl: Yeah.
Homer Simpson: Damn! Could my life get any worse?
[Burns appears on Homer's bowling ball]
Montgomery Burns: Simpson! Duhf, even for a bowler you're fat.
Homer Simpson: Hey guys, is it normal to see Burns' face on a bowling ball?
Lenny: Nnh, actually I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode.
Homer Simpson: Ugh, what a rotten day!
[Homer rolls a strike]
Lenny: Wow, a strike. Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I taking these?
[Lenny throws out his pills]

"The Simpsons: Simpsons Christmas Stories (#17.9)" (2005)

Santa Claus: ...Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!
Burns: Excellent, a German!

"The Simpsons: Deep Space Homer (#5.15)" (1994)

Mr. Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whomever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.

"The Simpsons: No Loan Again, Naturally (#20.12)" (2009)

Auctioneer: Do I hear a hundred thousand?
[Mr. Burns lifts his paddle]
Waylon Smithers: Sir, why do you even want this house?
Mr. Burns: I need a place to store my cufflinks.
Auctioneer: Are there any more bids? Hundred thousand going once, going twice...
Ned Flanders: One hundred and one thousand!
Mr. Burns: Pass. I already lifted this thing once. I'm not Hercules.

"The Simpsons: Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington (#14.14)" (2003)

Krusty the Clown: Uh, just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up any youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous?
Krusty the Clown: A Russian hooker. You tell me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission.
Krusty the Clown: I did find out one fact. She was a guy.

"The Simpsons: Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes? (#3.24)" (1992)

Mr. Burns: Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. I want your legal advice, I even pay for it.
[building]
Mr. Burns: But to me you're all vipers! You live on personal injury, you live on divorces, you live on pain and misery...!
[calms down]
Mr. Burns: But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee?
Lawyer: I'll have some coffee.
Mr. Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart! It's so hard for me to listen to you...
[shouts]
Mr. Burns: I hate you all so much!
[calms down]
Mr. Burns: I'm sorry, it's my problem, I'll deal with it. Please continue.
Lawyer: If you offer Mr. Simpson a token sum, say a couple of thou, he'll be so dazzled he'll sign anything you shove under his nose.
Mr. Burns: Oh, brilliant! A cash settlement...
[shouts]
Mr. Burns: I could have figured that out, you buttoned-down maggot!
Lawyer: Do you have any cream?
Mr. Burns: Oh yes, of course. Where are my manners?

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Skeptic (#9.8)" (1997)

[Speaking about the skeleton she found]
Lisa: It could be a mutant from the power plant.
Mr. Burns: That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers - oops, I've said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr. Burns: Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you're done as well.

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Vegetarian (#7.5)" (1995)

Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage. When pigs fly!
[both Burns and Smithers start laughing, but then a pig flies by their window]
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
Mr. Burns: Hmm, no I'd still prefer not.