Fat Tony
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Quotes for
Fat Tony (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: Bart the Murderer (#3.4)" (1991)
[watching his first Itchy & Scratchy cartoon]
Fat Tony: It's funny because it's true.

Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks?
Fat Tony: Bart, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family?
Bart: No.
Fat Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them?
Bart: Uh uh.
Fat Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes?
Bart: I guess that's okay.
Fat Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?
Bart: Hell, no.

Fat Tony: Hey Bart, I hope there are no hard feelings.
Bart: Get bent.
Fat Tony: I deserved that.

Fat Tony: Hey, pick a horse, kid. 3rd race, give it a good one.
Bart: Eat my shorts.
Fat Tony: Eat My Shorts. Let see... Hey, wait a minute you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the 5th Race, I said the 3rd race!
Bart: Don't have a cow.
Fat Tony: Don't Have A Cow in the 3rd.

Fat Tony: What's a murder?

Bart: Did you kill my principal?
Fat Tony: Uh, chinese guy with a moustache?

Principal Skinner: [just as Bart is to be found guilty for allegedly murdering Principal Skinner, Skinner suddenly barges into the courtroom] I suppose you're all wondering where I've been. It all started a week ago. I was at my desk revising and updating the school dress code when
[in flashback]
Principal Skinner: I was suddenly confronted by a gang of toughs acting on behalf of one Bart Simpson, or so they said.
Louie: [to Skinner] We really think there's promise in the boy.
Principal Skinner: [rising from his desk] Get out!
Fat Tony: Ok. Ok. You don't have to yell.
Principal Skinner: To get my mind off that ugly confrontation I went home and began bundling my old newspapers... but suddenly the pile fell. I was trapped! Let this be a lesson to recycle frequently. For the next week I stayed alive by eating my mother's delicious preserves and maintained my sanity by dribbling a nearby basketball with my one free hand. I made a game of it. Seeing how many times I could bounce the ball in a day, and then trying to break that record. Occasionally, the police arrived to search my home.
Chief Wiggum: Find anything this time boys?
Lou: Nah, no sign of him Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Princess Opal?
Princess Opal: I see nothing here. But I'm afraid it's Splitsville for Delta Burke and Major Dad.
Chief Wiggum: But they seemed so happy.
Principal Skinner: I shouted until I was hoarse, but they couldn't hear me.
[yelling]
Principal Skinner: I'M IN HERE!
Chief Wiggum: Well, let's go.
Eddie: Ok Chief.
Principal Skinner: Finally, I realised if I was ever going to get out of there I would have to do it myself. I formed a crude rocket from a discarded cigar tube and remembering an experiment from my days as a 4th Grade science teacher I concocted a fuel from baking soda and the juice of discarded lemon wedges. The rocket took off with a mighty blast of carbon dioxide dragging behind it the end of a vacuum cleaner cord. I grabbed onto the vacuum cleaner, pushed the cord retractor button, and was on my way to freedom. That's my courageous story.
Prosecuting Attorney: [everyone in the courtroom gives Skinner a round of applause] Your Honour, the prosecution moves that Principal Skinner's testimony be stricken from the record.
Judge Snyder: Denied. Case dismissed.
Lionel Hutz: Your Honour. Do I still get paid?


"The Simpsons: Homie the Clown (#6.15)" (1995)
[gunshot, Flanders is knocked down]
Ned Flanders: Whew, good thing I always keep a Bible next to my...
[second gunshot, Flanders is knocked down again]
Ned Flanders: Whew, luckily I was wearing an extra large piece of the True Cross today. I think I'll go inside.
[as he runs off, a third gunshot spins the head of Homer's pickaxe]
Homer: What keeps doing that?
Fat Tony: I told you we should have bought more than three bullets.

Louie: It's him all right. Should I shoot him gangland style or execution style?
Fat Tony: Listen to your heart.

[after Louie empties a rifle at Homer, but misses]
Fat Tony: We need more ammo, let's go to Big Five.

Homer: But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson.
Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble.
Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
Homer: Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... Joe Valachi!
Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?
Homer: Benedict Arnold!
Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
Homer: D'oh!

Fat Tony: Krusty, in regard to the large wager you placed on yesterday's horse race...
Krusty the Clown: [laughing nervously] Uh, hey, how about letting me go double or nothing on the big opera tonight?
Fat Tony: Who do you like?
Krusty the Clown: The tenor.
Fat Tony: [after a pause] Okay. But we're only letting the bet ride because you crack us, so consistently, up.


"The Simpsons: The Real Housewives of Fat Tony (#22.19)" (2011)
Fat Tony: Selma, would you do me the honor of spending the rest of my life with me?
Selma Bouvier: Oh, Fat Tony. If there was an Italian word for yes, I would be saying it right now.

Homer Simpson: Well, if it isn't Before and After. Blob and blob lite. Tweedle-yuck and Tweedle-yech.
Fat Tony: Ahem! Am I interrupting anything?
Homer Simpson: Fat Tony! I was just complimenting your beautiful wife while insulting her identical twin.
Marge Simpson: You'll have to excuse my husband. He says things without thinking first. And ten seconds later...
Homer Simpson: [scared] Oooh! My god!

Homer Simpson: Can we bring towels?
Fat Tony: We have towels.
Homer Simpson: [whispers] I take a special size.

Fat Tony: I like you. I don't know whether to smack you on your kisser or kiss you on your smacker.
Selma Bouvier: And I don't know whether to peck you on your kicker or kick you on your...


"The Simpsons: Donnie Fatso (#22.9)" (2010)
Fat Tony: When I call for my Russian business partner, Yuri Nator, I don't expect to be screamed at like I was some ten year old punk making a prank call.

Fat Tony: What's gotten into you? You're as nervous as a cat when Johnny Kick-A-Cat walks into the room.


"The Simpsons: The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (#8.11)" (1997)
Fat Tony: You have twenty-four hours to get us our money. And just to show you that we are serious: you have *twelve* hours.

Fat Tony: Sorry we're late. Can we have the money now?
Marge Simpson: The answer is no.
Fat Tony: I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my wife she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies. "Where is the money?" "When are you going to get the money?" "Why aren't you getting the money now?" And so on.
[moving forward menacingly]
Fat Tony: So please, the money.


The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Chief Wiggum: [sees Fat Tony and his mobsters dragging a body wrapped in a sheet to the lake] Uh sorry, sorry, no dumping in the lake!
Fat Tony: Fine, I will put my *yard trimmings* in a car compactor.
[he and the mobsters walk off with the body]
Lou: Uh, Chief, I think there was a dead body in there.
Chief Wiggum: I thought that too, until he said yard trimmings. You gotta learn to listen, Lou.


"The Simpsons: The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer (#18.1)" (2006)
Fat Tony: [Bart, Lisa, and others are waiting for their car pool. Fat Tony drives up to them] We are going for a ride!
group of kids: [gasp]
Fat Tony: And by that I mean the carpool!
group of kids: [relax]
Fat Tony: Now who's ready to sleep with da fishes?
[children gasp]
Fat Tony: ...because I brought this Finding Nemo comforter!


"The Simpsons: What to Expect When Bart's Expecting (#25.19)" (2014)
Homer Simpson: Fat Tony?
Fat Tony: That's right, Fat Homer.


"The Simpsons: Moe Baby Blues (#14.22)" (2003)
Fat Tony: I haven't cried like this since I paid to see Godfather III.


"The Simpsons: American History X-cellent (#21.17)" (2010)
Burns' Cellmate: Son, have you ever heard the story of Jesus Christ?
Fat Tony: Well, I am Italian, but no.


"The Simpsons: Chief of Hearts (#21.18)" (2010)
Fat Tony: Play some onminous music, so that our trip to the body dumpery might be more cinematic.
Louie: You got it, boss.
[radio plays "At Seventeen" by Janis Ian]
Fat Tony: That sounds like your Folk Divas CD.