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Quotes for
Ralph Wiggum (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Simpsons: This Little Wiggy (#9.18)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: Got any threes?
Ralph Wiggum: [Ralph is holding three threes] Go fish.
Bart Simpson: See, here's the problem, Ralph. You have several threes.
Ralph Wiggum: Go fish.

Ralph Wiggum: This is my swing set. This is my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end.
[points to a large rock]
Ralph Wiggum: That's where I saw the leprechaun.
Bart Simpson: [sarcastically] Right, a leprechaun.
Ralph Wiggum: He told me to burn things.
Bart Simpson: [uneasily] Uh-huh.

Ralph Wiggum: Wanna play stuffed animal parade?
Bart Simpson: Maybe later. Come on, Ralph, your dad's a cop! There must be some cool stuff around here, bullets, dead body photos, what have you.
Ralph Wiggum: He keeps that stuff in his closet. But he says I'm not allowed in there.
Bart Simpson: Did he say *I'm* not allowed in there?
Ralph Wiggum: Yes.
Bart Simpson: [pause] Well, I'm goin' in anyway!

Ralph Wiggum: There's the key!
[a rat takes it]
Ralph Wiggum: Aah! The pointy kitty took it!

Ralph Wiggum: I found a moonrock in my nose.
Bart Simpson: Houston, we have a booger.

Mayor Quimby: [on television] If you commit a violent crime in my town you'll end up here!
[pointing at the electrocuting chair]
Ralph Wiggum: Hey hey that's our playchair!
Mayor Quimby: [still in television] To demonstrate what you're in for I will now strap myself in!
Bart Simpson: Uh-oh! We didn't set it to safety switch!
Ralph Wiggum: He's gonna smell like hotdogs!

Ralph: That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things.

Ralph: Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.

[a rat steals the key]
Ralph: The pointy kitty took it.


"The Simpsons: Little Girl in the Big Ten (#13.20)" (2002)
Ralph Wiggum: Bye Lisa! Tomorrow we find out what five minus three is!

Ralph Wiggum: Why do people run from me?
[Pees his pants]

Ralph: Why do people keep running away from me?
[wets himself and smiles]


"The Simpsons: I Love Lisa (#4.15)" (1993)
Krusty the Klown: Is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
Ralph Wiggum: Yes, she is. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up I'm going to marry her.
Lisa: [erupting] Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Now you listen to me! I don't like you, I never liked you, and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!

Lisa: [in the Presidential play, Lisa is Martha Washington and Ralph is George Washington] Dear, dear George Washington. Can this liberty you dream of be worth all this bloodshed?
Ralph Wiggum: Dear madam, would you put a price on the air we breathe, or the providence that sustains us?
Lisa: But couldn't we just give into the British?
Ralph Wiggum: NEVER!
Lisa: [George Washington is on his deathbed] Please don't leave me George...
Ralph Wiggum: Dear wife, if I could take but one treasure with me to the next life, it would be your tender kiss.
[he kisses her hand and dies; she cries]

Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.


The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Ralph Wiggum: [after Bart skates by, naked] I like men now.

[Bart is skateboarding naked across town]
Ralph Wiggum: [brightly] I like men now.

Ralph Wiggum: [blowing bubbles at the dome] Take that!
[one of the bubbles pops in his eye]
Ralph Wiggum: Oh, no! Blow back!


The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)
Ralph Wiggum: Are you my mommy?

Ralph Wiggum: I can put my finger in my nose.

Ralph Wiggum: Do I live here?


"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Focus Group Guy: All right, thanks for participating in our focus group, kids. Today, we're gonna show you some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons.
[the kids cheer]
Nelson Muntz: Cool!
Focus Group Guy: We want you to tell us what you think. And be honest because no one from the show is spying on you.
[a man behind the mirror sneezes making the mirror shake]
Lisa Simpson: Why is that mirror sneezing?
Focus Group Guy: Look, it's just an old creaky mirror, you know. Sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing or coughing or talking softly.
Lisa Simpson: [suspiciously] Hmm.
Focus Group Guy: [holds his thumb up to the mirror] Now, you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left.
Ralph Wiggum: [with his knob in his mouth] My knob tastes funny.
Focus Group Guy: [taking the knob out of Ralph's mouth] Please refrain from tasting the knob.

Focus Group Guy: [after showing the kids some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons] Okay, how many of the kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real life problems like the ones you face every day?
[the kids cheer]
Focus Group Guy: And who would like to see them do just the opposite, getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers.
[the kid kids cheer again]
Focus Group Guy: So you want a realistic down-to-earth show that's completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots?
[the kids all chat at once about it being a great idea]
Milhouse Van Houten: And, also, you should win things by watching.
Focus Group Guy: [sighs]
Roger Myers Jr.: [turns off the mirror disguise in the window] You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids, 'cause you're stupid. Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!
[turns the mirror back on]
Ralph Wiggum: [starts crying] Mommy!
Lisa Simpson: Um, excuse me, sir. The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Itchy & Scratchy Show. It's as good as ever. But after so many years, the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.
Roger Myers Jr.: [turns the mirror off again] That's it. That's it, little girl. You've saved Itchy & Scratchy!
Blue-haired Lawyer: [holding out a piece of paper to Lisa] Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy & Scratchy.


"The Simpsons: MoneyBart (#22.3)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: I need another player. Ralph is too juiced.
Ralph Wiggum: [surrounded by juice boxes] I didn't know what I was putting into my body.

Lisa Simpson: Managers manage, and players play.
Ralph Wiggum: Do alligators alligate?
Lisa Simpson: I don't know! Yes!
Ralph Wiggum: I'm scared!


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Substitute (#2.19)" (1991)
Miss Hoover: Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor, and I have Lyme disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.
Ralph: What's Lyme disease?
Principal Skinner: I'll field that one.
[goes to blackboard]
Principal Skinner: Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called 'ticks'.
[writes 'TICKS' on blackboard]
Principal Skinner: When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood...
Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh...
Principal Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
Miss Hoover: The brain? Oh, dear God...
Class: Wow.

Miss Hoover: So, you see, children, my Lyme disease turned out to be...
[writes it on the board]
Miss Hoover: Psychosomatic.
Ralph: Does that mean you went crazy?
Janey: No, it means she was faking it.
Miss Hoover: No, actually, it was a little bit of both.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Rival (#6.2)" (1994)
Ralph: My cat's breath smells like cat food

Ralph: I bent my wookie.


"The Simpsons: The Great Money Caper (#12.7)" (2000)
Ralph Wiggum: I look like cable tv!

Ralph: [after being sprayed by fake blood] I look like cable T.V...


"The Simpsons: The Bart of War (#14.21)" (2003)
Ralph Wiggum: [to a wolf] Will you be my mommy?
Ralph Wiggum: [wolf carries him] You smell like dead bunnies!

Ralph Wiggum: [thrown in a window with a note attached] I'm a brick!


The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
[Ralph starts a street race]
Ralph Wiggum: One! One! One! One! Go!

Bart Simpson: Ralph, word in the hood is that you have access to your dad's fireworks stash.
Ralph Wiggum: Fireworks make my ears yell!
Bart Simpson: Here's some gumdrops, now make with the works!
Ralph Wiggum: My daddy's gonna put you in jail.


"The Simpsons: The Lastest Gun in the West (#13.12)" (2002)
Apu: [singing] Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above
Bart, Lisa, Ralph: [singing] Don't fence me in.
Apu: [singing] Sir you cannot pee unless you are an employee.
Homer Simpson: [singing] Can't keep it in.
[Homer kicks in the bathroom door and uses the facilities]

Lisa: I'm Annie Oakley!
Nelson Muntz: I'm Kevin Costner in one of his western roles!
Ralph: I'm a gulch!


"The Simpsons: Grift of the Magi (#11.9)" (1999)
Ralph Wiggum: [playing a doctor in a play] Hello! I'm Dr. Stupid. I'm gonna take out your liver bones!

Ralph Wiggum: Fun toys are fun.


"The Simpsons: Lisa Gets an 'A' (#10.7)" (1998)
Ralph Wiggum: Hi Lisa. Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers.
[to Skinner]
Ralph Wiggum: Hi liar.

Ralph: Hi, Principal Skinner! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! I'm learneding!


"The Simpsons: E Pluribus Wiggum (#19.10)" (2008)
Ralph Wiggum: [at the Lincoln Memorial, sitting on Lincoln's lap] I want a tricycle, and a dog who won't chew my Hot Wheels, and a brighter future for America. I'm Ralph Wiggum, and I've been a good boy.


"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)
[Santa's Little Helper has crawled into the vent at Springfield Elementary]
Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent.
Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.


"The Simpsons: Children of a Lesser Clod (#12.20)" (2001)
Ralph Wiggum: Where are we going, Mr. Simpson?
Homer: I'll tell you where we're NOT going: jail!
Milhouse: Then you'd better turn.
Homer: [Homer realises that he's driving to jail, screams and turns]


"The Simpsons: The Dad Who Knew Too Little (#14.8)" (2003)
Ralph: [knocks on door] Hi. Can Lisa come out with her hands up?
[waves to cops hiding in bushes]


The Simpsons Ride (2008)
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a baby bird!


"The Simpsons: E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) (#11.5)" (1999)
Homer: [Offering Tomacco] Try some, won't you?
Chief Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralpie; the stranger is offering you a treat!
Ralph: [Ralphie tries some, and spits it back out] Oh, Daddy! It tastes like Grandma!
Chief Wiggum: [Tries some, and spits it out] Holy Moses! It DOES taste like Grandma!
Ralph: I want more!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, me too!
[Ralphie starts eating more]
Chief Wiggum: Should we take a bushel or a peck, or - just give it to me!
[Eats]
Homer: [Chuckles]


"The Simpsons: Ice Cream of Margie: With the Light Blue Hair (#18.7)" (2006)
[Ralph puts an ice cream cone on his head]
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a unitard!


"The Simpsons: Tales from the Public Domain (#13.14)" (2002)
[Chief Wiggum is Polonius, Ralph Wiggum is Laertes. Bart, as Hamlet, has stabbed Polonius]
Ralph: Daddy's stomach is crying.


"The Simpsons: To Surveil, with Love (#21.20)" (2010)
Ms. Dubinsky: We'd like you to join our debate team.
Lisa Simpson: We have a debate team?
Ms. Dubinsky: It's the only extracurricular activity that doesn't require any equipment.
Principal Skinner: Because of budget cuts, we had to improvise. Ralph Wiggum will be your lectern.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a furniture.


"The Simpsons: Dark Knight Court (#24.16)" (2013)
Ralph Wiggum: Field day! I can go cuckoo, and no one can stop me!
Janet Reno: George W. Bush said the exact same thing at his inaguration. Not everyone remembers that.


"The Simpsons: Das Bus (#9.14)" (1998)
Lisa: All we found were these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous.
Ralph: I ated the purple berries... oooh, oohh
[falls to ground]
Ralph: ooohhh.
Lisa: How are they Ralph? Good?
Ralph: They taste like... burning.


"The Simpsons: Lisa on Ice (#6.8)" (1994)
Principal Skinner: First academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.
Ralph Wiggum: I won! I won!
Principal Skinner: No, no, Ralph, this means you're failing English.
Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That's unpossible!


"The Simpsons: King Size Homer (#7.7)" (1995)
Ralph Wiggum: [to Lisa] I heard your dad went into a restuarant and ate on the food in the restuarant and they had to close the restuarant.


"The Simpsons: Brother's Little Helper (#11.2)" (1999)
Ralph Wiggum: And I want a bike, and a monkey, and a friend for the monkey...
Hosey the Bear: You're not going to set any fires, are ya?
Ralph Wiggum: At my house, we call them uh-ohs.


"The Simpsons: New Kids on the Blecch (#12.14)" (2001)
Nelson: I can't sing without dancing.
J.C. Chasez, Justin Timberlake, Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick: Fine. Thrust, spin, turn, pivot, pout, jiggy, jiggy, robot, dosido, and close with a Matrix.
Nelson: Nobody pouts going into a jiggy.
Milhouse: Yeah, that's stupid.
Ralph: I want to twirl.


"The Simpsons: The Color Yellow (#21.13)" (2010)
Ralph Wiggum: Martin Luther King had a dream. Dreams are where Elmo and Toy Story had a party and I was invited. Yay! My turn is over!
Principal Skinner: One of your best, Ralphie.


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 1 (#6.25)" (1995)
Ralph Wiggum: Chocolate microscopes?


"The Simpsons: Stealing First Base (#21.15)" (2010)
Miss Hoover: There was a mix up with your tests. You actually got an A triple-plus. The F belonged to Ralph.
Ralph Wiggum: I cheated wrong. I copied the Lisa name and used the Ralph answers.


"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
Ned Flanders: A little higher, Wendell.
[another throw]
Ned Flanders: A lot higher, Martin.
[another throw]
Ned Flanders: Ralph, that's a basketball...
[next throw hits Flanders hard]
Ned Flanders: OK! Nelson's our quarterback.
Nelson Muntz: Thanks, four-eyes.
Ned Flanders: Ralph, you'll be on special teams.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm special!


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Vegetarian (#7.5)" (1995)
Ralph Wiggum: When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIII (#14.1)" (2002)
[Every inhabitant of Springfield has been turned into an animal]
Ralph: [feathers pop out of his back] I'm a dog.


"The Simpsons: $pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (#5.10)" (1993)
Principal Skinner: And now, a special award for those students who obviously had no help at all from their parents, Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum!
[Lisa is wearing the "Florida" costume that Homer made for her; Ralph has a piece of paper with "Idaho" written on it taped to his chest]
Ralph Wiggum: I'm Idaho!
Principal Skinner: Yes, of course you are.


"The Simpsons: I Am Furious Yellow (#13.18)" (2002)
[while kids are coming up with their own comic book characters]
Ralph: I'm called Ralph!
[he draws on his face]


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Greek (#3.14)" (1992)
Ralph: [giving report] ... and when the Doctor told me I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life.
Miss Hoover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.