Ralph Wiggum
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Quotes for
Ralph Wiggum (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: This Little Wiggy (#9.18)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: Got any threes?
Ralph Wiggum: [Ralph is holding three threes] Go fish.
Bart Simpson: See, here's the problem, Ralph. You have several threes.
Ralph Wiggum: Go fish.

Ralph Wiggum: This is my swing set. This is my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end.
[points to a large rock]
Ralph Wiggum: That's where I saw the leprechaun.
Bart Simpson: [sarcastically] Right, a leprechaun.
Ralph Wiggum: He told me to burn things.
Bart Simpson: [uneasily] Uh-huh.

Ralph Wiggum: Wanna play stuffed animal parade?
Bart Simpson: Maybe later. Come on, Ralph, your dad's a cop! There must be some cool stuff around here, bullets, dead body photos, what have you.
Ralph Wiggum: He keeps that stuff in his closet. But he says I'm not allowed in there.
Bart Simpson: Did he say *I'm* not allowed in there?
Ralph Wiggum: Yes.
Bart Simpson: [pause] Well, I'm goin' in anyway!

Ralph Wiggum: There's the key!
[a rat takes it]
Ralph Wiggum: Aah! The pointy kitty took it!

Ralph Wiggum: I found a moonrock in my nose.
Bart Simpson: Houston, we have a booger.

Mayor Quimby: [on television] If you commit a violent crime in my town you'll end up here!
[pointing at the electrocuting chair]
Ralph Wiggum: Hey hey that's our playchair!
Mayor Quimby: [still in television] To demonstrate what you're in for I will now strap myself in!
Bart Simpson: Uh-oh! We didn't set it to safety switch!
Ralph Wiggum: He's gonna smell like hotdogs!

Ralph: That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things.

Ralph: Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.

[a rat steals the key]
Ralph: The pointy kitty took it.

The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
[Ralph starts a street race]
Ralph Wiggum: One! One! One! One! Go!

Bart Simpson: Ralph, word in the hood is that you have access to your dad's fireworks stash.
Ralph Wiggum: Fireworks make my ears yell!
Bart Simpson: Here's some gumdrops, now make with the works!
Ralph Wiggum: My daddy's gonna put you in jail.

Ralph Wiggum: [after being run over by the player's car] I just made an uh-oh!

Ralph Wiggum: [after being run over by the player's car] I see dead people!

"The Simpsons: Little Girl in the Big Ten (#13.20)" (2002)
Ralph Wiggum: Bye Lisa! Tomorrow we find out what five minus three is!

Ralph Wiggum: Why do people run from me?
[Pees his pants]

Ralph: Why do people keep running away from me?
[wets himself and smiles]

"The Simpsons: I Love Lisa (#4.15)" (1993)
Krusty the Klown: Is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
Ralph Wiggum: Yes, she is. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up I'm going to marry her.
Lisa: [erupting] Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Now you listen to me! I don't like you, I never liked you, and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!

Lisa: [in the Presidential play, Lisa is Martha Washington and Ralph is George Washington] Dear, dear George Washington. Can this liberty you dream of be worth all this bloodshed?
Ralph Wiggum: Dear madam, would you put a price on the air we breathe, or the providence that sustains us?
Lisa: But couldn't we just give into the British?
Ralph Wiggum: NEVER!
Lisa: [George Washington is on his deathbed] Please don't leave me George...
Ralph Wiggum: Dear wife, if I could take but one treasure with me to the next life, it would be your tender kiss.
[he kisses her hand and dies; she cries]

Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.

The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Ralph Wiggum: [after Bart skates by, naked] I like men now.

[Bart is skateboarding naked across town]
Ralph Wiggum: [brightly] I like men now.

Ralph Wiggum: [blowing bubbles at the dome] Take that!
[one of the bubbles pops in his eye]
Ralph Wiggum: Oh, no! Blow back!

The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)
Ralph Wiggum: Are you my mommy?

Ralph Wiggum: I can put my finger in my nose.

Ralph Wiggum: Do I live here?

"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Focus Group Guy: All right, thanks for participating in our focus group, kids. Today, we're gonna show you some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons.
[the kids cheer]
Nelson Muntz: Cool!
Focus Group Guy: We want you to tell us what you think. And be honest because no one from the show is spying on you.
[a man behind the mirror sneezes making the mirror shake]
Lisa Simpson: Why is that mirror sneezing?
Focus Group Guy: Look, it's just an old creaky mirror, you know. Sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing or coughing or talking softly.
Lisa Simpson: [suspiciously] Hmm.
Focus Group Guy: [holds his thumb up to the mirror] Now, you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left.
Ralph Wiggum: [with his knob in his mouth] My knob tastes funny.
Focus Group Guy: [taking the knob out of Ralph's mouth] Please refrain from tasting the knob.

Focus Group Guy: [after showing the kids some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons] Okay, how many of the kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real life problems like the ones you face every day?
[the kids cheer]
Focus Group Guy: And who would like to see them do just the opposite, getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers.
[the kid kids cheer again]
Focus Group Guy: So you want a realistic down-to-earth show that's completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots?
[the kids all chat at once about it being a great idea]
Milhouse Van Houten: And, also, you should win things by watching.
Focus Group Guy: [sighs]
Roger Myers Jr.: [turns off the mirror disguise in the window] You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids, 'cause you're stupid. Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!
[turns the mirror back on]
Ralph Wiggum: [starts crying] Mommy!
Lisa Simpson: Um, excuse me, sir. The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Itchy & Scratchy Show. It's as good as ever. But after so many years, the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.
Roger Myers Jr.: [turns the mirror off again] That's it. That's it, little girl. You've saved Itchy & Scratchy!
Blue-haired Lawyer: [holding out a piece of paper to Lisa] Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy & Scratchy.

"The Simpsons: MoneyBart (#22.3)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: I need another player. Ralph is too juiced.
Ralph Wiggum: [surrounded by juice boxes] I didn't know what I was putting into my body.

Lisa Simpson: Managers manage, and players play.
Ralph Wiggum: Do alligators alligate?
Lisa Simpson: I don't know! Yes!
Ralph Wiggum: I'm scared!

"The Simpsons: The Dad Who Knew Too Little (#14.8)" (2003)
Ralph: [knocks on door] Hi. Can Lisa come out with her hands up?
[waves to cops hiding in bushes]

Chief Wiggum: [to Marge] Would an innocent person flee?
Chief Wiggum: No, really, tell me, I honestly don't know.
Lou: Chief, no.
Ralph: Even I knew that!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I'm, I'm not good...

"The Simpsons: The DeBarted (#19.13)" (2008)
[last lines]
Ralph Wiggum: The rat symbolizes obviousness!

Ralph Wiggum: When he grows up, I wanna be like me.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Substitute (#2.19)" (1991)
Miss Hoover: Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor, and I have Lyme disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.
Ralph: What's Lyme disease?
Principal Skinner: I'll field that one.
[goes to blackboard]
Principal Skinner: Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called 'ticks'.
[writes 'TICKS' on blackboard]
Principal Skinner: When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood...
Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh...
Principal Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
Miss Hoover: The brain? Oh, dear God...
Class: Wow.

Miss Hoover: So, you see, children, my Lyme disease turned out to be...
[writes it on the board]
Miss Hoover: Psychosomatic.
Ralph: Does that mean you went crazy?
Janey: No, it means she was faking it.
Miss Hoover: No, actually, it was a little bit of both.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Rival (#6.2)" (1994)
Ralph: My cat's breath smells like cat food.

Ralph: I bent my wookie.

"The Simpsons: The Great Money Caper (#12.7)" (2000)
Ralph Wiggum: I look like cable tv!

Ralph: [after being sprayed by fake blood] I look like cable T.V...

"The Simpsons: The Bart of War (#14.21)" (2003)
Ralph Wiggum: [to a wolf] Will you be my mommy?
Ralph Wiggum: [wolf carries him] You smell like dead bunnies!

Ralph Wiggum: [thrown in a window with a note attached] I'm a brick!

"The Simpsons: The Lastest Gun in the West (#13.12)" (2002)
Apu: [singing] Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above
Bart, Lisa, Ralph: [singing] Don't fence me in.
Apu: [singing] Sir you cannot pee unless you are an employee.
Homer Simpson: [singing] Can't keep it in.
[Homer kicks in the bathroom door and uses the facilities]

Lisa: I'm Annie Oakley!
Nelson Muntz: I'm Kevin Costner in one of his western roles!
Ralph: I'm a gulch!

"The Simpsons: Grift of the Magi (#11.9)" (1999)
Ralph Wiggum: [playing a doctor in a play] Hello! I'm Dr. Stupid. I'm gonna take out your liver bones!

Ralph Wiggum: Fun toys are fun.

"The Simpsons: E Pluribus Wiggum (#19.10)" (2008)
Ralph Wiggum: [at the Lincoln Memorial, sitting on Lincoln's lap] I want a tricycle, and a dog who won't chew my Hot Wheels, and a brighter future for America. I'm Ralph Wiggum, and I've been a good boy.

"The Simpsons: Moe Letter Blues (#21.21)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: The ferry will be here in ten minutes to take us home, then we'll know the truth.
Apu: The truth!
Ralph Wiggum: The roof!

"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)
[Santa's Little Helper has crawled into the vent at Springfield Elementary]
Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent.
Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.

"The Simpsons: Children of a Lesser Clod (#12.20)" (2001)
Ralph Wiggum: Where are we going, Mr. Simpson?
Homer: I'll tell you where we're NOT going: jail!
Milhouse: Then you'd better turn.
Homer: [Homer realises that he's driving to jail, screams and turns]

The Simpsons Ride (2008)
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a baby bird!

"The Simpsons: E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) (#11.5)" (1999)
Homer: [Offering Tomacco] Try some, won't you?
Chief Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralpie; the stranger is offering you a treat!
Ralph: [Ralphie tries some, and spits it back out] Oh, Daddy! It tastes like Grandma!
Chief Wiggum: [Tries some, and spits it out] Holy Moses! It DOES taste like Grandma!
Ralph: I want more!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, me too!
[Ralphie starts eating more]
Chief Wiggum: Should we take a bushel or a peck, or - just give it to me!
Homer: [Chuckles]

"The Simpsons: Grade School Confidential (#8.19)" (1997)
Ralph Wiggum: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!
Chief Wiggum: The baby looked at you?

"The Simpsons: Ice Cream of Margie: With the Light Blue Hair (#18.7)" (2006)
[Ralph puts an ice cream cone on his head]
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a unitard!

"The Simpsons: Tales from the Public Domain (#13.14)" (2002)
[Chief Wiggum is Polonius, Ralph Wiggum is Laertes. Bart, as Hamlet, has stabbed Polonius]
Ralph: Daddy's stomach is crying.

"The Simpsons: The Good, the Sad and the Drugly (#20.17)" (2009)
Miss Hoover: And now Ralph Wiggum will read his essay, "Springfield in 50 Years".
Ralph Wiggum: [clears throat] In 50 years, the vacuum cleaner will be quiet and not scary.
Miss Hoover: Next we have Lisa Simpson.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, Ralph, how I envy your optimism. There is no Springfield 50 years in the future! With global warning trapping CO2 in our poisonous atmosphere, our superheated oceans will rise, drowning our lowlands, leveling what's left of humanity baking in deserts that once fed the world!
Lisa Simpson: And in the new Nineveh, darkness falls.

"The Simpsons: Last Tap Dance in Springfield (#11.20)" (2000)
Lisa Simpson: Little Vicki, I figured out how to dance. I can be in the show now!
Vicki Valentine: I'm sorry, Lisa. People go to a children's dance recital expecting a certain level of professionalism.
Ralph Wiggum: But, but you don't understand... I ate too much plastic candy.
Vicki Valentine: Heavens to Betsy, the star of the show is sick! Whatever will we do? There's only one person who can get us out of this pickle. Lisa?
Lisa Simpson: Yes?
Vicki Valentine: Help me into Ralph's costume.

"The Simpsons: To Surveil, with Love (#21.20)" (2010)
Ms. Dubinsky: We'd like you to join our debate team.
Lisa Simpson: We have a debate team?
Ms. Dubinsky: It's the only extracurricular activity that doesn't require any equipment.
Principal Skinner: Because of budget cuts, we had to improvise. Ralph Wiggum will be your lectern.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a furniture.

"The Simpsons: Dark Knight Court (#24.16)" (2013)
Ralph Wiggum: Field day! I can go cuckoo, and no one can stop me!
Janet Reno: George W. Bush said the exact same thing at his inaguration. Not everyone remembers that.

"The Simpsons: Das Bus (#9.14)" (1998)
Lisa: All we found were these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous.
Ralph: I ated the purple berries... oooh, oohh
[falls to ground]
Ralph: ooohhh.
Lisa: How are they Ralph? Good?
Ralph: They taste like... burning.

"The Simpsons: Pork and Burns (#28.11)" (2017)
Ralph Wiggum: It sounds like how paste tastes.

"The Simpsons: Lisa on Ice (#6.8)" (1994)
Principal Skinner: First academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.
Ralph Wiggum: I won! I won!
Principal Skinner: No, no, Ralph, this means you're failing English.
Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

"The Simpsons: King Size Homer (#7.7)" (1995)
Ralph Wiggum: [to Lisa] I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.

"The Simpsons: Brother's Little Helper (#11.2)" (1999)
Ralph Wiggum: And I want a bike, and a monkey, and a friend for the monkey...
Hosey the Bear: You're not going to set any fires, are ya?
Ralph Wiggum: At my house, we call them uh-ohs.

"The Simpsons: New Kids on the Blecch (#12.14)" (2001)
Nelson: I can't sing without dancing.
J.C. Chasez, Justin Timberlake, Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick: Fine. Thrust, spin, turn, pivot, pout, jiggy, jiggy, robot, dosido, and close with a Matrix.
Nelson: Nobody pouts going into a jiggy.
Milhouse: Yeah, that's stupid.
Ralph: I want to twirl.

"The Simpsons: The Color Yellow (#21.13)" (2010)
Ralph Wiggum: Martin Luther King had a dream. Dreams are where Elmo and Toy Story had a party and I was invited. Yay! My turn is over!
Principal Skinner: One of your best, Ralphie.

"The Simpsons: Kamp Krusty (#4.1)" (1992)
Lisa: [handing out confiscated care packages] Kowalski!
Kowalski: My brownies!
Lisa: Wiggum!
Ralph Wiggum: A change of underwear!
Lisa: Crandall!
Crandall: My insulin!

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
Ralph Wiggum: Chocolate microscopes?

"The Simpsons: Stealing First Base (#21.15)" (2010)
Miss Hoover: There was a mix up with your tests. You actually got an A triple-plus. The F belonged to Ralph.
Ralph Wiggum: I cheated wrong. I copied the Lisa name and used the Ralph answers.

"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
Ned Flanders: A little higher, Wendell.
[another throw]
Ned Flanders: A lot higher, Martin.
[another throw]
Ned Flanders: Ralph, that's a basketball...
[next throw hits Flanders hard]
Ned Flanders: OK! Nelson's our quarterback.
Nelson Muntz: Thanks, four-eyes.
Ned Flanders: Ralph, you'll be on special teams.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm special!

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Vegetarian (#7.5)" (1995)
Ralph Wiggum: When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIII (#14.1)" (2002)
[Every inhabitant of Springfield has been turned into an animal]
Ralph: [feathers pop out of his back] I'm a dog.

"The Simpsons: $pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (#5.10)" (1993)
Principal Skinner: And now, a special award for those students who obviously had no help at all from their parents, Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum!
[Lisa is wearing the "Florida" costume that Homer made for her; Ralph has a piece of paper with "Idaho" written on it taped to his chest]
Ralph Wiggum: I'm Idaho!
Principal Skinner: Yes, of course you are.

"The Simpsons: I Am Furious Yellow (#13.18)" (2002)
[while kids are coming up with their own comic book characters]
Ralph: I'm called Ralph!
[he draws on his face]

"The Simpsons: The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase (#8.24)" (1997)
[Ralph is lying in bed]
Ralph: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
Chief Wiggum: You'll wear 'em till you learn, son.

"The Simpsons: The Mysterious Voyage of Our Homer (#8.9)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: [runs screaming into a field]
Ralph Wiggum: Hey, Mister!
Otto: Let him go, Ralph. He knows what he's doing.

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Greek (#3.14)" (1992)
Ralph: [giving report] ... and when the Doctor told me I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life.
Miss Hoover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.

"The Simpsons: Thursdays with Abie (#21.9)" (2010)
Ralph Wiggum: Clouds are God's sneezes!
Mitch Albom: Ooh, I like this kid!

"The Simpsons: Lisa Gets an 'A' (#10.7)" (1998)
Ralph: Hi Lisa! Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers! I'm learnding!