Bart Simpson
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Quotes for
Bart Simpson (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Simpsons: The Day the Violence Died (#7.18)" (1996)
Krusty: Well, Itchy & Scratchy are gone. But here's a cartoon that tried to make learning fun! Sorry about this, kids. But stay tuned! We've got some real good toy commercials coming right up, I swear.
Kid: Hey, who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress?
The Amendment: I'm not garbage.
[singing]
The Amendment: I'm an Amendment to be, yes an Amendment to be, and I'm hoping that they'll ratify me. There's a lot of flag burners who have got too much freedom. I wanna make it legal for policeman to beat'em, cause there's limits to our liberty, least I hope and prey that there are, 'cause those liberal freaks go too far!
Kid: Why can't we just make a law against flag burning?
The Amendment: Because that law would be unconstitutional. But if we change the Constitution...
Kid: Then we can make all sorts of crazy laws!
The Amendment: Now you're catching on!
Bart Simpson: What the hell is this?
Lisa Simpson: It's one of those campy 70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X-ers.
Bart Simpson: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.
Kid: What if people say you're not good enough to be in the Constitution?
The Amendment: Then I'll crush all opposition to me, and I'll make Ted Kennedy pay, if he fights back, I'll say that he's gay!

Bart Simpson: [after film is destroyed, in a subdued voice] D'Oh.

Chester J. Lampwick: He didn't create Itchy: I did.
Bart Simpson: Huh?
Chester J. Lampwick: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.

Bart: If I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me.

Bart: Bye, mom. Bye, dad.

Bart: Downton.

Bart: Save our seats.

Bart: How come I've never seen that Itchy & Scratchy before?

Bart: Cool. I'll give you 10 bucks for that.

Bart: It's valuable, huh?

Bart: Loser.

Bart: The mouse.

Bart: Whoa! Whoa!

Bart: Oh, forget this. I'm outta here.

Bart: Hey, wait up!

Bart: Show some respect, man. That "no talent" created Itchy and Scratchy.

Bart: You invented Itchy - the Itchy and Scratchy Itchy?

Bart: Well, I'm not callin' you liar, but -
[sighs]
Bart: but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.

Bart: Itchy the lucky mouse in manhattan madness.

Bart: Itchy runs afoul of an irishman.

Bart: Look at that fat oaf.

Bart: All right, chester! Woo!

Bart: I can't believe it. That was Itchy all right. You did invent him. When people see this, you'll be rich and famous.

Bart: You can't just go back to the gutter. You created itchy. You should be a millionaire.

Bart: You asked roger myers sr. for money. Roger myers jr.'s in change of the studio now. He's a good man. Every christmas he goes down the pound... and rescues one cat and one mouse and gives to a hungry family.

Bart: Hmm. Well, you can stay at my house until then. My parents won't mind because they won't even know about it.

Bart: All right. The coast is clear.

Bart: There's a box you can sleep in.

Bart: Just move that cot outta the way.

Bart: Do you know what radon is?

Bart: Good night.

Bart: He's not a regular bum, mom. he's a genius bum. He created itchy, he's the father of cartoon violence.

Bart: He just needs to stay here till tomorrow. We're goin' down to itchy & scratchy studios to pick up his check.

Bart: A thousand dollars? But your ad says "no money down."

Bart: So you don't work on a contingency basis?

Bart: Hey, dad, can I have thousand dollars?

Bart: To pay for a lawyer for my bum.

Bart: Wait! There's an easy way to get rid of chester... without the guilt of sending him back to the gutter. And all it will cost you is a thousand dollars.

Bart: I've got it! Dad, give me $750 dollars.

Bart: Keep the trial going. I'll be right back.

Bart: I knew I had seen this exact scene somewhere else. It was in the movie mr. lampwick showed me. Ladies and gentlemen, this drawing was made in 1919 - nine years before roger myers made his first itchy and scratchy cartoon.

Bart: Careful. Careful. Whoops. It's there!

Bart: We killed itchy and scratchy?

Bart: Ow! We gotta get Itchy and Scratchy back.
Lisa: And soon!
Bart: Ow!

Bart: You've got to make more itchy and scratchy cartoons.

Bart: Look, if money's the only problem, I know a guy who has lots of it.

Bart: Hi, chester. Listen. Would you pay to make more itchy and scratchy cartoons?

Bart: Dad, can we have $183,000 dollars?

Bart: Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons

Bart: Yeah. I agree. You wanna start on tryin' to get apu out of jail?

Bart: [pants] What a perfect plan. Now roger myers's hotel is just...

Bart: What the hell is going on?

Bart: I never even heard about that.

Bart: [pants] I guess you don't need it now, but... we had a plan too.

Bart: Well, I wasn't the one who solve the problem, and neither was lisa. There's something unsettling about that.


The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Bart Simpson: I want a father who's the same in the morning as he is at night. Oh... what's that word...
Todd Flanders, Rod Flanders: Consistency?
Bart Simpson: Thanks losers.

Homer Simpson: I'll let you hold the bomb...
Bart Simpson: The man knows me!

Ned Flanders: Look at that, you can see the four states that border Springfield: Ohio, Nevada, Maine, and Kentucky!
Bart Simpson: Oh yeah.

Homer Simpson: Okay, son. You have only one chance to throw that bomb through the hole.
Bart Simpson: Dad, in case I don't make it, I'm sorry I said I wish you weren't my dad.
Homer Simpson: I don't blame you, son. I've never been that good of a father. Maybe it all starts with the way my father raised me. Yes, it's all clear to me. It's all just been one long, unbroken chain of...
Marge Simpson: Somebody throw the goddamn bomb!

[Bart puts a black bra on his head]
Bart Simpson: [in the voice of a cartoon mouse] I'm the mascot of an evil corporation!

[watching the credits]
Bart Simpson: [to Homer] Come on, dad, let's go! I've been holding it since they put the dome on the town!

[Bart claps]
Lisa Simpson: What are you doing, Bart?
Bart Simpson: Eh, just passing the time.
[Bart claps, snow repeatedly falls on Homer]
Homer Simpson: Aw, my boy loves Alaska so much, he's applauding it. Lisa, why aren't you clapping?
Lisa Simpson: But Dad!
Homer Simpson: [sternly] Clap for Alaska!
[Lisa claps along with Bart]
Homer Simpson: [Homer is buried under an avalanche]

Bart Simpson: You just bought another load of crap from the world's fattest fertilizer sales man!

Bart Simpson: [poking mutant squirrel's eyes] Jab him-jab him-jab-jab-jab!
Male EPA Worker: Hey! Jab one more eye and it's a federal crime!

Bart Simpson: [blushing] Did you at least bring my clothes?
Homer Simpson: Shirt, socks, everything you need.
Bart Simpson: [covering up privates] You didn't bring my pants!
Homer Simpson: Who am I, Tommy Bahama?
Bart Simpson: [face is completely red, sobs] Oh, this is the worst day of my life.
Homer Simpson: The worst day of your life so far.

Lisa Simpson: [during end credits] It looks like Maggie has something to say!
Marge Simpson: Oh my God! Her first word!
Maggie Simpson: [takes pacifier out of mouth]
[pause]
Maggie Simpson: Sequel?

Marge Simpson: Bart, are you drinking whiskey?
Bart Simpson: I'm troubled.

Homer Simpson: Homer do good?
Bart Simpson: Actually, you've doomed us all. Again.

Bart Simpson: Boy, you made it! But how?
Santa's Little Helper: [subtitled] I did things no dog should. They will haunt me forever.
Bart Simpson: I love you too.

[Lisa and Colin are separated by the dome and are saying their good-byes]
Bart Simpson: [singing] Lisa's got a boyfriend, that she'll never see again!
[Lisa slugs him out]

Bart Simpson: [drunk] I miss Flanders. There, I said it!

Russ Cargill: [levels a shotgun at Homer and Bart]
Russ Cargill: Hello, Homer.
Homer Simpson: So, we meet at last, whoever you are.
Russ Cargill: There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun, I'm going to do both right now.
Bart Simpson: Wait! But if you kill my dad, you'll never know where the treasure is buried!
Russ Cargill: What treasure?
Bart Simpson: Uhm, the treasure of Ima Wiener.
Russ Cargill: I'm a wiener?
[Homer and Bart laugh]
Homer Simpson: Classic!
Russ Cargill: Well, always leave them laughing. Goodbye, sir.
[Cargill aims the shotgun, right as he is about to fire a boulder falls on him KOing him, the camera pans up to show Maggie]
Homer Simpson: Maggie! What a great little accident you turned out to be!
[Maggie winks and does a hand gun at Homer]

Bart Simpson: [on the blackboard, in the open sequence] I will not illegally download this movie.

Marge Simpson: Despite everything, I miss your father.
Bart Simpson: Me too... his big fat ass could shield us all.

Bart Simpson: You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.
Homer Simpson: What kind of fun?
Bart Simpson: How bout a dare contest?
Homer Simpson: That sounds fun. I dare you to... climb the T.V. antennae.
Bart Simpson: [Bart climbs it easily] Piece of cake.
Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the antennae] Earthquake!
[Bart falls off and hangs onto the railing]
Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the railing] Aftershock!
Ned Flanders: Uh, Homer, I don't mean to be a nervis-pervis or anything, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-a-rino?
Homer Simpson: Shut up, Flanders!
Bart Simpson: Yeah, shut up, Flanders!
Homer Simpson: Well said, boy.

Lisa Simpson: [Lisa and Colin are pressing their hands against the glass] I never thought my life would have an absolutely perfect moment, but this...
Bart Simpson: [sing-song] Lisa's got a boyfriend / That she'll never see again!
[Lisa cold-cocks Bart]

Homer Simpson: All right, boy. Time for the ultimate dare. I dare you to skateboard to Krusty Burger... and back... *naked*.
Bart Simpson: How naked?
Homer Simpson: Fourth base.
Bart Simpson: But girls might see my doodle.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I see. Then I hereby declare you "chicken for life". Every morning you'll wake up to "Good morning chicken!" At your wedding, I'll sing...
Homer Simpson: [clucks the wedding march] Buck-buck-bu-buck!

[Homer and Bart are at a table. We see an interior shot of Homer's mouth as he eats. Bart is angry]
Homer Simpson: Hey, what's with you?
Bart Simpson: You really wanna know?
Homer Simpson: Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about
[sees something]
Homer Simpson: a pig wearing a hat!
[Krusty the Clown is filming a commercial]
Director: Action!
Krusty the Clown: Hey hey! It's your old pal Krusty for my new pork sandwich, the clogger! If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!
[He laughs and then takes a bite of the sandwich]
Krusty the Clown: Mmm!
Director: And... we're clear.
[Krusty spits out the sandwich]
Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.
[a saw is held up to the pig. It squeals in terror]
Homer Simpson: [gasps] What? You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!
[the pig runs across to Homer, giving him a forlorn look. To the tune of 'Happy Together', Homer briefly imagines himself and the pig dancing in a field. He picks up the pig]
Homer Simpson: You're coming home with me.

Bart Simpson: Look what I did to *your* picture!
[Bart holds up a picture of Homer, on which he has drawn Flanders-style hair, glasses and a mustache]
Homer Simpson: AHHH!
Bart Simpson: Howdily-doodily! Howdily-doodily! Howdily-doodily!
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[Homer begins strangling Bart]
Homer Simpson: I'll strangle-angle you!

Bart Simpson: Let us out! Let us out!
EPA Official: Stop that! You'll scratch your shackles!
Bart Simpson: I hope I do!
[rubs shackles on cage, a gas then enters the truck]
Lisa Simpson: Oh way to go Bart!
Bart Simpson: [drugged] You stink.
Lisa Simpson: [even more drugged] No you stink.
[they both pass out]

Ned Flanders: Bart! Crawl across. Hurry.
Bart Simpson: But if they see you helping us, they'll kill you.
Ned Flanders: I'm sure your father would do the same for...
[Bart just stares at him]
Ned Flanders: Point taken. Now, hustle your bustles.

[the wrecking ball dings the truck Marge, Lisa and Bart are in]
Bart Simpson: Did you hear something?
Lisa Simpson: Probably just a moth.
Marge Simpson: I hope it's okay.

Bart Simpson: [drunkenly] Mom?
Marge Simpson: Yes honey?
Bart Simpson: You just bought another load of crap from the world's fattest fertilizer salesman.
Homer Simpson: You'll pay for ruining the golden family moment!
Marge Simpson: Homer!
Bart Simpson: How are we supposed to get to Alaska without any money?
Homer Simpson: Alright, son. If you don't believe me, believe in America!

Homer Simpson: So, who wants waffles?
Bart Simpson, Grampa, Lisa Simpson: I do! I do! I do!
Marge Simpson: What about Grampa?
Bart Simpson: I want syrup!
Lisa Simpson: I want strawberries!
Marge Simpson: Shouldn't we be concerned about what happened in church?
Homer Simpson: I'll tell you what happened. A certain someone had a senior moment, but that's okay, because we love him anyway, and we got a free rug out of it.
[Kisses Grampa on the forehead]
Marge Simpson: What's the point of going to church every Sunday if when someone we love has a genuine religious experience we ignore it? Right, Grampa?
Grampa: I want bananas on my waffles.
Homer Simpson: I rest my case.

Bart Simpson: Dad!
Homer Simpson: What seems to be the problem, officers?
Bart Simpson: Tell them you dared me to do it!
Chief Wiggum: If that's true, then you should be taking the rap here, not your son.
Homer Simpson: And what happens to me if it's my fault?
Chief Wiggum: You'll have to attend a one hour parenting class.
Homer Simpson: It was all his idea! He's out of control I tell ya! Oh, I'm at my wit's end!

Bart Simpson: What do you want, Flanders?

Bart Simpson: Why are you helping me? I'm not your kid.

Bart Simpson: So that's what snug is.

Bart Simpson: You don't know what rough is, sister.

Bart Simpson: Dad, it's not fair to use a bug-zapper to catch the fish.

Bart Simpson: I think fishing might be more fun with you.

Bart Simpson: No way, cocoa's for wusses.

Bart Simpson: Oh my God.

Bart Simpson: Are we having fun yet?

Bart Simpson: Whoa, mama!

Bart Simpson: Huh? You're not strangling me.

Bart Simpson: Hey, what the hell are you? One more time.

Bart Simpson: Oh, yeah!

Bart Simpson: Jabbity, jabbity, jab, jab, jab!

Bart Simpson: Up here.

Bart Simpson: Geronimo!

Bart Simpson: Lisa's got a boyfriend that she'll never see again!

Bart Simpson: I'm troubled.

Bart Simpson: I promise, I'll stop tomorrow.

Bart Simpson: I miss Flanders. There, I said it!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)
[after Willie gets turned into a bagpipe spider and grabs Bart]
Bart Simpson: Help, Lisa! Help!
Lisa Simpson: [as she approaches Bart] Bart, you're in trouble! Wake up!
Bart Simpson: Wait a minute... if you're here, then you've fallen asleep too!
Lisa Simpson: I'm not asleep, I'm justing resting my eye...
Lisa Simpson: [Willie grabs Lisa] ... uh-oh! Goodbye, Bart.
Bart Simpson: Goodbye, Lis. Hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for fifteen minutes!

[while Bart is playing frisbee with his dog, Willie arrives at his front yard]
Groundskeeper Willie: Glad to rake your acquaintance.
[laughs evilly]
Bart Simpson: [Bart wakes up screaming]
Bart Simpson: [sighs] Ohh... it was only a dream.
[Bart sees the scratches on his body and screams again]
Homer Simpson: [from elsewhere, sounding worried] Bart! Is that you?
Bart Simpson: Yes!
Homer Simpson: Take out the garbage.

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what's it like in there?
Homer Simpson: Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
Dr. Hibbert: No.
Lisa Simpson: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Marge Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson: No.
Selma: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Ned Flanders: No.
Selma: No.
Prof. John Frink: No.
Reverend Lovejoy: No.
Chief Wiggum: Yes. I mean, I'm a-I mean, no. No.

Homer Simpson: Oh, no. Better ride this one out in the closet.
[Opens closet door; Bart and Lisa are inside]
Lisa Simpson: Sorry, dad. This is our spot.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah? But it's my house, so it's my spot.
Bart Simpson: Nu-uh, 'cause we called it.
Homer Simpson: Did not.
Lisa Simpson: Well, we're calling it now.
Homer Simpson: You are?
Bart Simpson: 'fraid so.
Homer Simpson: Oh, you got me with your legal mumbo jumbo.

Marge Simpson: Bart, what happened?
Bart Simpson: Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
Homer Simpson: Craaaaaaap!

Bart: What are you waiting for? Wreck the school. You know you wanna.

Bart: I agree. Destory the school.

Bart: Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there.

Bart: Okay, boy. Catch the frisbee.

Bart: Good catch, boy.

Bart: It was only a dream.

Bart: Yes!

Bart: And then he raked at me across the crest. and then the weirdest thing was, it was that school janitor who mysteriously disappeared! Groundkeeper willie!

Bart: Um, we didn't mention groundkeeper willie, mom.

Bart: You're right. The only thing left to do is go into my dream and force willie into final showdown. You stay awake. And if it looks like I'm trouble, wake me up.

Bart: Come on, Willie. I know you're out there. The sandbox! Hey, lawn boy! You missed a spot!

Bart: Willie's gone for good. Now I can get back to my normal dreams - me and Krusty winning the Super Bowl.

Bart: Help! Lisa, help!
Lisa Simpson: Bart, you're in trouble! Wake up!
Bart: Wait a minute - if your'e here, then you've fallen asleep, too!
Lisa Simpson: I'm not asleep, I'm just resting my eye - ut-oh. Agh! Aaagh! Good-bye, Bart.
Bart: Good-bye, Lise. I hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for fifteen minutes!

Bart: Uh, may I take your coat, aunt selma?

Bart: That does it! I'm going in!

Bart: Cool, man!

Bart: I'll save you, dad. I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump.
Homer Simpson: Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!
[Homer falls right into the hole and goes into pieces which then explode]


"The Simpsons: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire (#1.1)" (1989)
Marge: Okay, Kids, give me your letters and I'll mail them to Santa at the North Pole.
Bart: Oh please, there's only one fat guy who brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.

Bart: Come on, Dad, if TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.
Homer: Okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?

Bart: I can't believe it, but it looks as though television has betrayed me.

[listening to Bart's class sing "Jingle Bells"]
Marge: Oh, listen to Bart. Doesn't he sound like a little angel?
Bart: Oh, Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke it's wheel, and the Joker got aw...
[Skinner yanks him out of the choir]
Homer: D'oh!

Bart: One 'Mother', please.
Tattoo Guy: Wait a minute, how old are you?
Bart: Twenty one, Sir.
Tattoo Guy: Get in the chair.

Bart: Hey, Santa, what's shaking, Man?
Homer: [dressed as Santa] Um, what's your name, little Bart... Ner? Uh, little partner?
Bart: Hi. I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
Homer: [gritting his teeth and growling] I'm jolly old Saint Nick!

Bart: Can we keep him, Dad? Please?
Homer: But he's a loser. He's pathetic. He's...
[the dog licks his face]
Homer: A Simpson.

Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
Homer: Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it our of your own allowance.
Bart: All right!
Marge: Homer!

Bart: [upon discovering his father has taken a temporary job as a mall Santa] Dad, you must really love us to sink so low.

Homer: Did you hear that, Boy? Santa's Little Helper. It's a sign. It's an omen.
Bart: It's a coincidence, Dad.

Bart: Cool.
[Bart daydreams about the mother tattoo on his arm. Marge is flattered and pleased]
Marge: Aww Bart, that's the sweetest gift a mother could ever have. It makes you look so dangerous too.

[Final lines]
All: [singing] Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer / Had a very shiny nose / And if you ever saw it / You might even say it glows...
Bart: Like a lightbulb!
Homer: Bart!
All: All of the other reindeer / Used to laugh and call him names...
Lisa Simpson: Like Schnozzola!
Homer: Lisa!
All: They never let poor Rudolph / Play in any reindeer games...
Bart: Like strip poker!
Homer: I'm warning you two...
Marge: Then one foggy Christmas eve / Santa came to call... Take it, Homey!
Homer: Uh, Rudolph get your nose over here / I'll let you guide my sleigh today!
All: How all the reindeer loved him / As they shouted out with glee / Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer / You'll go down in history!
Bart: Like Atilla the Hu...
[choking noises]
Homer: Why you little!


"The Simpsons: Brother from Another Series (#8.16)" (1997)
Lisa: Face it, Bart, Sideshow Bob has changed.
Bart: No he hasn't. He's more the same than ever.

Bart: And God bless mom, and dad, and Lisa, and Maggie, and please God - kill sideshow Bob.
[praying at his bed while Marge and Homer secretly watch outside his room]
Marge: Bart, no!
Bart: It's him or me, O Lord.
Marge: You can't ask God to kill someone.
Homer: Yeah! You do your own dirty work.

[Bart and Lisa are watching Krusty's Prison Special]
Bart: Man, those cons *love* Krusty. Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
Lisa: And vice-versa.

Bart: Guess who!
Cecil Terwilliger: Maris?

Bart: [worried about Sideshow Bob being released on parole] If only you knew what he was thinking!
[in the car]
Sideshow Bob: [thinking] I hope they still make that shampoo I like.

Bart: [worried about Sideshow Bob being released on parole] If only you knew what he was thinking!
[in the car]
Bart: I hope they still make that shampoo I like.

Cecil Terwilliger: At last, I'm going to do what Bob never could: kill Bart Simpson!
Bart: By throwing me off a dam? Isn't that a little crude for a genius like you?
Cecil Terwilliger: Ooh, I suppose it is. Ehh, if anyone asks, I'll lie.

Krusty the Klown: [spotting Sideshow Bob at his prison concert] What have you been doing with yourself, Bob?
Sideshow Bob: Well, Krusty, as you may remember, after I tried to frame you for armed robbery, I tried to murder Selma Bouvier. Let's see... I rigged the mayoral elections, I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you.
Krusty the Klown: [nervous laugh] Oh, yeah.
Sideshow Bob: And, whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder Bart Simpson.
Bart: [watching on television] Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
[Bart runs out of the room in terror]
Homer: [calling after Bart] He said "tried"!

Sideshow Bob: Will you children stop tormenting me? I've done nothing wrong.
Bart: Give it up, bob - we found the money!
[shows Bob a suitcase full of money]
Sideshow Bob: Where did that come from? I've never seen that money before in my life.
Lisa: Then you must have had your eyes closed when you embezzled it!

Lisa: Hey! You said we were going to Dairy Queen.
[as Bart jumps into a dumpster]
Bart: I lied... Now help me rummage through Bob's trash for clues. And I promise we'll go to the water slide.
Lisa: Okay.


"The Simpsons: Like Father, Like Clown (#3.6)" (1991)
Bart: We came to talk to you about your son.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: I have no son!
[slams the door in their faces]
Bart: Oh, great. We came all this way and it's the wrong guy.
[opens the door]
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: I didn't mean that literally.

Lisa: We've been going about this all wrong, Bart. What's the one thing Rabbis prize above everything else?
Bart: Those stupid hats?
Lisa: No, Bart, knowledge. We're gonna hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica.

Bart: Oy, this guy's tough.

Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
Homer: Why you little...

Bart: Dear Krusty, this is Bart Simpson, Krusty Buddy #16302 , respectfully returning his badge. I always suspected that nothing in life mattered. Now I know for sure. Get bent. Bart Simpson.

[Bart is sitting in a sauna with a group of rabbis in towels]
Bart: "At all times let a man be supple as a reed, and not rigid as a cedar."
[the other rabbis murmur approvingly]
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: But, my short, learned friend, the Book of Joshua says, "Ye shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night."
[the other rabbis murmur approvingly again]

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: You I told to go away!
Bart: But-but-but-but Rabbi! Is it not written in the Babylonian Talmud, and I quote, "a child should be pushed aside with the left hand, and drawn closer with the right"?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Yes...
Bart: Then doesn't your religion command you to make up with Krusty?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: But in Exodus, the Fifth Commandment says, "Honor thy father and thy mother." End of story.

[Bart appears at a meeting of rabbis, dressed in a miniature rabbi's costume]
Bart: Speaking of charity, Rabbi Krustofsky, don't you think it's time you forgave your son?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Don't you understand that my boy broke my heart? He turned his back on our faith, and our traditions, and on me! Get out of here, you little pisher!

[after being dressed in a miniature rabbi's costume]
Bart: Yiddle, my man, you're a genius.
Yiddle: I love my work.

Bart: [Yawns] Rabbi, did not a great man say, and I quote 'The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I've heard of persecution, but what they went through is ridiculous. But the great thing is, after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it.' End quote.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Oh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that? Rabbi Hillel?
Bart: No.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: It was Judah the Pious?
Bart: No.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Maimonides?
Bart: No.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Oh, I got it! The Dead Sea Scrolls!
Bart: I'm afraid not, Rabbi. It's from Yes, I Can, by Sammy Davis Jr. An entertainer, like your son.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: [Gasps] The Candy Man? If a performer could think that way, maybe I'm completely upside down on this whole problem. Oh, all the years of joy that I've lost! Why? Because of my stubborn ways...
[Begins to cry]
Lisa: There there, Rabbi. It's not too late.


"The Simpsons: Mother Simpson (#7.8)" (1995)
[on being reunited with his grandmother]
Bart Simpson: Hey! You missed my entire childhood! You owe me for missed birthdays, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and good report cards.
[punching numbers on a calculator]
Bart Simpson: Let's see, 75 bucks a pop, with interest and penalties. You owe me... $22,000.
Homer: [enraged] I'll Kwanzaa you!
[starts strangling Bart]

Bart: That dummy worked like a charm, dad.

Bart: [muffled] what the hell is going on here?

Bart: Where have you been, granny? They freeze you or something?

Bart: Hey! Since you were a no-show at all the big moments of my life, you own me years of back presents! Christmases, birthdays, easters, kwanzaas, good report cards. Hmm, 75 bucks a pop plus interest and penalties. You own me... $22,000.

Bart: What?

Bart: Yeah, I don't trust her either. I was going through her purse. Look what I found.

Bart: Spill it, muddy mae, or we're calling the cops!

Bart: [gasp] Quick, grandma! Hide!

Bart: Look at me, grandma. I'm a hippie. Peace, man. Groovy. Bomb vietnam! Four more years! Up with people.


"The Simpsons: Bart vs. Australia (#6.16)" (1995)
Bart: Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Pfff. That's no reason to block the TV.

Bart Simpson: I can't get a straight answer out of this crazy hemisphere.
[tries another number]
Hitler: [as his car-phone's ringing] Eine minuten, eine minuten!
[ringing stops]
Hitler: Ach! Das wagen phone ist ein... nuisance phone!
Man on Pennyfarthing: Buenos notches, mein fuehrer.
Hitler: Ja, ja.

[Bart is showing Lisa his pocket knife]
Australian with Spoon: You call that a knife?
[the man pulls out a spoon]
Australian with Spoon: *This* is a knife.
Bart: [confused] That's not a knife, that's a spoon.
Australian with Spoon: Alright, alright you win. I see you've played knifey-spoony before.

[the Prime Minister draws back his foot to "boot" Bart through the Embassy gate]
Prime Minister: This is for the Commonwealth of Australia!
[as he kicks out, Bart jumps out of range]
Bart: And this is for the United States of America!
[He drops his pants, showing "DON'T TREAD ON ME" written on his butt. He moons the enraged Australian crowd, humming "The Star Spangled Banner."]

U.S. Ambassador: Good news, we've worked out a compromise that will allow both nations to save face.
Conover: We've argued them down to... a booting.
Homer, Marge, Bart: WHAT?
U.S. Ambassador: The Prime Minister just wants to kick Bart once, through the gate, with a regular shoe.
Conover: I believe it's a wing tip.

Bruno Dundridge: Hey, you're just some punk kid, aren't you? Well, you picked the wrong guy to tangle with, mate!
Bart: [laughs] I don't think so. You're all the way over in Australia. Hey, I think I hear a dingo eating your baby.

Bart: No fair! You only won because you had the inside track. If the water had been going the other way...
Lisa: It never goes the other way, Bart. In the Northern Hemisphere, water always drains counter-clockwise. It's called the Coriolis Effect.
Bart: No way! Water doesn't obey your "rules." It goes where it wants to. Like me, babe.

[while fleeing the Australian mob, Bart spies a pair of kangaroos]
Bart: Hey, we can escape in their pouches!
[they start to jump inside, then stop]
Bart: Eww... it's not like in the cartoons.
Homer: Yeah, there's a lot more mucous.

Milhouse: Hey, Bart! Come quick! There's a bakery on fire, and all of downtown smells like cookies! You want to come smell?
Bart: Yes. Yes, I do.

Bart: [Climbing into a kangaroo's pouch and being covered in mucus] Ew! Its not like in cartoons!
Homer: Yeah, there's a lot more mucus.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!
Montgomery Burns: Why, Bart's right here!
Bart Simpson: Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
Homer Simpson: Oh, Lisa! You and your stories! "Dad, Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's get back to that... building thingy... where our beds and T.V... is.

Bart Simpson: Our final painting is the most horrible of all. To even gaze upon it is to go mad...
Homer Simpson: AH! They're dogs! And they're playing poker! AHHHH!
[Homer begins laughing hysterically, and runs away shrieking]

Bart Simpson: Paintings... lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell so scary and horrible and gruesome that...!
Marge Simpson: Bart! You should warn people that this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that old "War of the Worlds" broadcast on NPR, hmm?
Bart Simpson: Yes, Mother.

Lisa Simpson: Grampa's a vampire?
Bart Simpson: We're all vampires.
[Bart, Homer, Marge, and Maggie all float into the air, baring their fangs as Lisa backs away in horror]
Lisa Simpson: But... no! We killed Mr. Burns!
Homer Simpson: You have to kill the *head* vampire?
Lisa Simpson: [gasp] You're the head vampire?
Marge Simpson: No, *I'm* the head vampire!
[She laughs demonically]
Lisa Simpson: Mom?
Marge Simpson: [normal voice] Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.

Bart: Come join us, Lisa, it's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood.
Milhouse: And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies.

[Bart awakens from a nightmare, and notices his sheets are wet]
Bart Simpson: Ewww... I hope this is sweat.

Bart Simpson: Milhouse, quick! Look out the window!
Milhouse: No way, Bart. If I lean over, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear admiral!

Bart Simpson: [sees the gremlin eating away at the school bus] Otto, you've got to do something. There's a gremlin on the side of the bus!
[Otto looks out the window. Alongside the bus is an AMC Gremlin being driven by Hans Moleman]
Otto: No problem-o, Bart dude. I'll get rid of it.
[runs Moleman off the road]
Hans Moleman: No! Oh, no. I just made my last payment.
[the car comes to a stop, tapping lightly against a tree. Hans sighs in relief, before the car explodes]

Ned Flanders: Eh, your wide-behind wont' save you this time! Hey, Bart.
Bart Simpson: Hey.
Lisa Simpson: Wait! Doesn't my father have the right to a fair trial?
Ned Flanders: Oh, you Americans with your due process and fair trials. Huh. This is always so much easier in Mexico.


"The Simpsons: Kamp Krusty (#4.1)" (1992)
Bart: [opening his locker] Thirty-six, twenty-four, thirty-six. Ha-ha-ha...

Lisa: I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.
Bart: We're all gonna die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.

[Mr. Black announces Krusty the Klown]
Bart: [half-crazed] See? I told you Krusty would come! Ha-ha! He's gonna bring us food, and water, and smite our enemies!

Bart: That's Not Krusty the Klown!
Mr. Black: What do you think, I just slapped a clown suit on some wino?
[laughs weakly]
Barney Gumble: Yeah Bart, I am so Crunchy the Clown!
[belches]

[as the campers begin rioting]
Mr. Black: I thought you said you broke their spirits!
Jimbo Jones: [in rising fear] We did!
Mr. Black: [slapping Jimbo across the face] You broke *nothing*!
Bart: Let's get 'em!
Mr. Black: To the hydrofoil!

Bart: This camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel, forced us to make wallets for export and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!
Krusty the Clown: Oh, my god!
Bart: Actually, the bear just ate his hat.
Krusty the Clown: Was it a nice hat?
Bart: Oh yeah.
Krusty the Clown: Oh, my god!

Bart: All right, that's it! I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins, my Krusty calculator didn't have a 7 or an 8, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions, but this time he's gone too far! We want Krusty!
Campers: We want Krusty! We want Krusty!
Barney Gumble: Yeah, we want Crunchy! We want Crunchy!

Bart: How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.
Krusty the Clown: [loud sobbing] Oh! They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone!

Marge Simpson: [looking through Bart's luggage] Bart, where are your bathing trunks?
Bart: I'm gonna swim nekkid!
Marge Simpson: What?
Bart: Ah, sure, there'll be some uptight counselors there who won't dig the Bart Philosophy. But I believe the human body is a thing of beauty...
Homer: [enters in his underwear] Marge, am I crazy, or is my back getting hairier?


"The Simpsons: This Little Wiggy (#9.18)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: Got any threes?
Ralph Wiggum: [Ralph is holding three threes] Go fish.
Bart Simpson: See, here's the problem, Ralph. You have several threes.
Ralph Wiggum: Go fish.

Ralph Wiggum: This is my swing set. This is my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end.
[points to a large rock]
Ralph Wiggum: That's where I saw the leprechaun.
Bart Simpson: [sarcastically] Right, a leprechaun.
Ralph Wiggum: He told me to burn things.
Bart Simpson: [uneasily] Uh-huh.

Ralph Wiggum: Wanna play stuffed animal parade?
Bart Simpson: Maybe later. Come on, Ralph, your dad's a cop! There must be some cool stuff around here, bullets, dead body photos, what have you.
Ralph Wiggum: He keeps that stuff in his closet. But he says I'm not allowed in there.
Bart Simpson: Did he say *I'm* not allowed in there?
Ralph Wiggum: Yes.
Bart Simpson: [pause] Well, I'm goin' in anyway!

Penetantiary Security Guard: Somebody down there?
Bart Simpson: [gasps] Uh-oh. Let's get outta here!
[Bart and Ralph quickly run off]
Penetantiary Security Guard: Why do I always shout first? Just gives them a chance to run away. Well, I'm an idiot.

Ralph Wiggum: I found a moonrock in my nose.
Bart Simpson: Houston, we have a booger.

Mayor Quimby: [on television] If you commit a violent crime in my town you'll end up here!
[pointing at the electrocuting chair]
Ralph Wiggum: Hey hey that's our playchair!
Mayor Quimby: [still in television] To demonstrate what you're in for I will now strap myself in!
Bart Simpson: Uh-oh! We didn't set it to safety switch!
Ralph Wiggum: He's gonna smell like hotdogs!

Bart Simpson: Alright! Woo-hoo! Way to go Ralph!
Lisa Simpson: Ralph? But the rocket was my idea!
Bart Simpson: What I'm asking you is Ralph's idea.
Homer Simpson: You're the man Ralph!
Lisa Simpson: But surely I deserve some credit for
[interrupted by cheering for Ralph]
Bart Simpson: Aw, let him have this one, Lise. After all, it's Ralph!
Lisa Simpson: [cheers for Ralph also] Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!

Bart: I smell a museum.
Homer: Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or 'teria.'

Bart: [reading] Whoa, Dad's been arrested six times. Aww, Mom's only been arrested twice.


"The Simpsons: Diggs (#25.12)" (2014)
Bart Simpson: Children of the playground! I will eat anything for money. Except money.

Bart Simpson: I'm the kid who ate a frog.
Diggs: So you're the reason I had to dissect a Muppet today.

Bart Simpson: Can I join?
Diggs: I'll have to consult Freedom.
[Freedom poops]
Diggs: Habemus poopum! We have a poop! It's white. You're in.

Bart Simpson: You don't know how impressive that is to a kid whose dad can't get the dog to sit.
[Cut to Homer yelling at Santa's Little Helper]
Homer Simpson: Sit. Sit. Sit!
[Santa's Little Helper starts hopping on his hind legs]
Homer Simpson: I don't know what the hell that is, but it's not sitting!

Bart Simpson: Say something so I know you're not hurt.
Diggs: I'm really hurt!
Bart Simpson: Phew!

Marge Simpson: I hope he comes back for his bird. I don't like the way he's circling the cat.
Bart Simpson: He's just riding the thermals from dad's butt.
Homer Simpson: Well, at least someone in this family is using them.

Diggs: When I release Freedom, we'll open all the cages.
Bart Simpson: With our minds?
Diggs: No, with this rope. I'm mentally ill, I'm not Magneto.

Jimbo: Hey, Simpson. I heard bird boy got another cage. One with rubber bars.
Kearny: Yeah, and a rubber perch!
Dolph, Kearny: Yeah, yeah and a...
Bart Simpson: I get it. It sucks. Really sucks.
Dolph: Rubber birdfeeder.
Jimbo: Making fun of the mentally ill - real classy.
Dolph: But you guys were...
Kearny: We were what, Captain Sensitive?


"The Simpsons: Bart the Murderer (#3.4)" (1991)
Bart: Aah! You ate my homework?... I didn't know dogs really did that.

Bart: [while working for Fat Tony] Gimme three fingers of milk, Ma.

Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks?
Fat Tony: Bart, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family?
Bart: No.
Fat Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them?
Bart: Uh uh.
Fat Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes?
Bart: I guess that's okay.
Fat Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?
Bart: Hell, no.

Fat Tony: Hey Bart, I hope there are no hard feelings.
Bart: Get bent.
Fat Tony: I deserved that.

Fat Tony: Hey, pick a horse, kid. 3rd race, give it a good one.
Bart: Eat my shorts.
Fat Tony: Eat My Shorts. Let see... Hey, wait a minute you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the 5th Race, I said the 3rd race!
Bart: Don't have a cow.
Fat Tony: Don't Have A Cow in the 3rd.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart Simpson, you're late! Go to the office and fill out a tardy slip.
Bart: But I'm only
[looks at the clock]
Bart: five, ten, fifteen, twenty... forty minutes? That's pretty damn late!

Bart: Did you kill my principal?
Fat Tony: Uh, chinese guy with a moustache?

Lewis: [covered in leaves] Hey, look at me. I'm Skinner's body!
Bart: That is not funny, Lewis.
Milhouse Van Houten: Well, I heard Skinner's buried under his parking spot.
Richard: Well, I heard he was ground up into hamburger and served to us at lunch.
Nelson: I heard Bart had Skinner killed by gangsters.
Bart: That's not true! It's just a rumor. You're engaged in speculation. I know the law, you can't prove anything.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Sax (#9.3)" (1997)
Bart Simpson: [singing his ABC's] A, B, C, uhh, line?
Teacher: D
Bart Simpson: D, E, uhh, line?
Teacher: F, Bart, and believe me, you'll be seeing plenty of them.

Teacher: And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan. So you see children, there is hope for anyone.
Bart Simpson: Even me?
Teacher: No.

[Bart discovers he can make kids laugh, and puts on a show for the Kindergarteners]
Bart Simpson: [singing] Skinner is a nut, he has a rubber butt!
Principal Skinner: [appearing from behind a tree] Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and... that metal plate I got in 'Nam.
Bart Simpson: [gulps]
Principal Skinner: Now, I want you to knock off that potty talk right now!
Bart Simpson: [laughing] The principal said potty!
[the kids laugh. Skinner shudders in frustration]
Principal Skinner: You listen to me, son. You just started school, and the path you choose now may be the one you follow for the rest of your life! Now, what did you say?
Bart Simpson: [looks at Skinner, then at Jimbo. It is his moment of truth] Eat my shorts!
Principal Skinner: All right, I'll ea... eat your shorts?
Bart Simpson: That's right, eat my shorts!
[singing to "Batman" theme]
Bart Simpson: Buttman! Na na na na na na na na, Buttman!

Homer Simpson: Bart son, do you want to play catch?
Bart Simpson: No.
Homer Simpson: Oh, when a boy doesn't wanna play catch with his old man, something is seriously wrong.
Grampa Simpson: I'll play catch with you, son.
Homer Simpson: Get the hell out!
Grampa Simpson: I'm gone.

Homer Simpson: Our family was suffering its worst crisis ever. Bart was miserable at school, and Lisa's gifts were going to waste.
Bart Simpson: Uh, Homer, its five years later and I'm still miserable at school.
Lisa Simpson: And my gifts are still going to waste!
Marge Simpson: And sometimes I just feel so smothered by this family I just want to scream till my lungs explode!

Bart: Skinner is a nut, he has a rubber butt!
Principal Skinner: Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and that metal plate I got in 'Nam.

Marge: You know, Homer, there's $200 in the air conditioning account.
Homer: Oh Marge! Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig?
Bart: Not to mention eating like a pig and dressing like a pig.
Apu: Don't forget the smell.
Homer: Will you get off of my lawn?
Apu: Why don't you make me?
Homer: Why, you...! Oh, forget it.

Homer: Hey boy. Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grampa: I'll play catch with you.
Homer: Go home.


The Simpsons Game (2007) (VG)
William Shakespeare: [fighting Homer and Bart] A plague on both your arses!
Bart Simpson: If it wasn't for the pompous nature of actors, your plays would be long forgotten.

Marge Simpson: Bart! What are you doing next to a video game store?
[gasps]
Marge Simpson: Buying a video game!
[she snatches the game form Bart]
Marge Simpson: This is going to the same place that I put your swimsuit magazines, and BB gun! Homer's underwear drawer.
[she storms off]
Bart Simpson: Oh great, now I've got nothing to play except the games I got yesterday. And I'm totally sick of those!
[the Simpsons Game manual falls on Bart, who picks it up]
Bart Simpson: The Simpsons Game? Hmm... the only Simpsons Game I know is when we pretend Dad isn't an alcoholic. Hey, it's a game about Springfield! With Dad as a character, and Mom, and Lisa... who'd wanna play her?
[gasps]
Bart Simpson: I'm in this game? I wonder what my powers are? Jumping, leaping gliding...
[he turns into Bartman]
Bart Simpson: All right!
Homer Simpson: [appears clutching a gun and a magazine] Hey Bart, look what appeared in my magic drawer. Hey what's with the fruity get-up? If you're planning to come home like that don't bother.

Bart Simpson: You've got video game powers on your side. It's sort of like cheating except... cheating.
Homer Simpson: Woohoo! Cheating!

Lisa Simpson: It's the mother ship!
Bart Simpson: This must be the level boss for this part of the game.
Homer Simpson: The boss! Quick act natural.
[puts on business glasses and pretends to write on a clipboard]

Bart Simpson: It's Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Don't bother crying out in terror. In space no one can hear you scream.
Bart Simpson: We're not in space.
Sideshow Bob: Well, we are on a spaceship.
Homer Simpson: Not the same thing.

Marge Simpson: Bart, what are you doing near a video game store?
Marge Simpson: [gasps] Buying a video game?
Marge Simpson: [gasps] I've heard about this. It's the game where you play a meanie-bo-beanie who murders other meanie-bo-beanies.
Marge Simpson: I'm putting this game in the same place I put your swimsuit magazines, and your BB Gun: Homer's Underwear Drawer.
Bart Simpson: [groans] Oh, Great. Now I have nothing to play except the games I bought yesterday. And I'm totally sick of them.
Bart Simpson: [the Simpsons Game manual falls from heaven and lands in front of bart] The Simpsons Game? Hmm... this is so weird.
[picks up manual]
Bart Simpson: The only Simpsons Game I can think of is the one where we all pretend dad isn't an alcoholic. What could it be?
Bart Simpson: Wait a second, this is a manual for a video game set in springfield!
[gasp]
Bart Simpson: And dad is a character! And so is mom. And lisa... who'd wanna play her? Whoa, I'm in this game! I wonder what my moves are, jumping, floating, oh man I gotta try this!
Bart Simpson: [turns into bart man with heroic pose and wind blowing behind him] Wow, this is the only good book ever written!
Homer Simpson: Hey boy, look what appeared in my magic drawer. Hey, what's with the fruity get-up? If you're planning on coming home like that don't bother.
Bart Simpson: Dad, I'm a superhero now and I have all these awesome powers.
Homer Simpson: Superpowers, huh? Well that's cool I guess. I was gonna go shoot bats while reading swimsuit magazines in this cave. Wanna come with?
[Homer removes lid from manhole, Homer and Bart jump in]

[a panel on a game cartridge opens up, revealing the Simpsons family from the very first Simpsons game ever made]
Homer Simpson: Wow. We look so pixely.
Bart Simpson: And poorly rendered.
Marge Simpson: Which one is supposed to be me?

8-Bit Lisa Simpson: One day, your video game too will be obsolete.
Bart Simpson: No way! The Simpsons Game is awesome! Just because every video game up until now has been destroyed and forgotten doesn't mean ours will be.
Lisa Simpson: Bart, she's right. I mean, I'm right. We're both right. No video game is safe from an industry that's always chasing the hot new thing! Sure, The Simpsons Game is great with it's unique upgradable character abilities, and it's hilarious self referential cut scenes, but what about when the Xbox 720 comes out, or the PlayStation 4? No one will want to play us then.


"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob Roberts (#6.5)" (1994)
Bart: Oh my God! The dead have risen and are voting Republican.

Bart: We want the truth.
Sideshow Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities!

Bart: Bart, your mortal enemy's on the radio!
[Bart turns on the radio]
Dr. Demento: It's time for more deeeeeeee-mentia, with Dr. Demento! And now, the funny five!
[Bart yells and throws the radio out the window]
Lisa: I meant your other mortal enemy, Sideshow Bob.
Bart: Sideshow Bob? Oh, I'm only ten and I already got two mortal enemies!

[walking around the cemetary, Lisa and Bart realize that Sideshoe Bob has falsified voting returns with the names of deceased persons]
Lisa: [sees Snowball I's gravestone] Oh, my poor dead kitty, not you too!
[she looks at the voting list: "SNOWBALL I."]
Lisa: All right, Bob! NOW it's personal!
Bart: Hey! Uh, he did try to kill me.

Lisa: Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight like this. We're gonna have to stoop to the lowest common denominator.
Bart: I can do that.

[after Bob's election]
Principal Skinner: Bart, by special order of the Mayor's office, you're being held back.
Bart: Oh, I have to repeat the fourth grade?
Principal Skinner: Yes, but not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten.
Bart: Kindergarten?
Mrs. Krabappel: [pops champagne] Ha!

[after Bob is arrested]
Lisa: Congratulations, Bart! You get to go back to the fourth grade!
Bart: [disappointed] Oh... tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with.
Lisa: The spoon, Bart.
Bart: [gasps] Of course!


"The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie (#4.6)" (1992)
Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza.
Homer: Oh, no. I'm not making two stops.

Homer: You know, when I was a boy I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.

Homer: Now, what were we talking about, boy?
Bart: Uhhhh... we were talking about the time you beat jury duty.
Homer: Oh, yeah. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Homer: I know my punishment may seem harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart: TV sucks.
Homer: [with restrained anger] I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.

[Bart has put his James Bond action figure into the microwave; as he speaks to it, he strokes Snowball II, a la Ernst Stavro Blofeld]
Bart: Stick around, Mr. Bond. Things are really starting to...
[presses button]
Bart: Cook.
[the figure melts, while Bart laughs evilly]

[as punishment for letting Maggie wander off, Homer decrees that Bart can never go to the "Itchy & Scratchy Movie."]
Bart: Dad, you gotta let me see that movie! Can't you just give me a spanking?
[drops his pants, turns around, and bends over]
Bart: Come on, go nuts!
Homer: Don't point that thing at me!

[last lines]
Homer: Which one's the mouse?
Bart: Itchy.
Homer: Itchy's a jerk.
Bart: [chuckles] Yeah.


"The Simpsons: Bart's Friend Falls in Love (#3.23)" (1992)
Milhouse: Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.
Bart: Aw come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when we're out of chocolate milk, you cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
Milhouse: Well, I didn't want you to see me cry THIS time.

[after watching a film on sex education]
Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature?
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
Bart: God-schmod, I want my monkey man.

Bart: [trying out Milhouse's new 8-Ball] Will I pass my test today. "Outlook not so good." Hey, it does work!
Milhouse: Let me try! Will I get beat up today? "All signs point to yes."
Nelson Muntz: That ball knows everything!
[Hits Milhouse over the head]

[while Milhouse is strangling Bart, Bart gropes around for a weapon, and breaks the magic eight-ball over Milhouse's head]
Bart: Boy, I bet the eight ball didn't see that one coming.

Milhouse: [re: the magic eight-ball] Hey, Bart. Was this thing right about your test?
Bart: To those of you who doubt the power of the magic eight-ball, I say: behold my "F"!

Luann Van Houten: Bart, I'm glad you're here. Milhouse could use a friend like you.
[Bart chuckles nervously. Later, up in Milhouse's room]
Bart: Listen, Milhouse, I have something to confess: I'm the one who narked on your kissing.
Milhouse: *What*?
[He tackles Bart to the floor and starts to throttle him. Milhouse's parents come in]
Luann Van Houten: Milhouse is out of bed and full of beans!
Kirk Van Houten: Whoa, it's a miracle!
[Smiling, they leave and close the door, as Milhouse continues strangling Bart]

Lisa Simpson: [showing a picture of a five-fingered hand] It says here in this journal that in about a million years, mankind will develop an extra finger.
Bart: [holding up his four-fingered hand over the picture] Eww! Freakshow!


"The Simpsons: Bart the Genius (#1.2)" (1990)
[playing Scrabble]
Bart: Kwyjibo: K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points. Plus, triple-word score, plus fifty points for using all my letters... Game's over, I'm outta here.
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere 'til you tell me what a Kwyjibo is.
Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh, a big dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big dumb balding ape!
Bart: Uh oh, Kwyjibo on the loose!

Bart: [at an opera - Bart & Homer are bored] "It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings."
Homer: That one fat enough for ya?

Homer: You can't stay in there forever!
Bart: I can try!
Homer: March your butt out here right now!
Bart: No way, man!
Homer: [sweet] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you, and make you feel all better.
Bart: You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that? I'm insulted!

Bart: Come on, mom.

Lisa Simpson: Yeah mom, hurry up!
Marge: Alright, hmm how about, he? Two points. Your turn dear.
Homer: Hmmm, how could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters?
[camera pans down to show the word oxidize]
Homer: Oh wait, here's a good one, do.
Lisa Simpson: [Lisa places an I on top of the D in do] Id triple word score!
Homer: Hey, no abbreviations.
Lisa Simpson: Not I.D. dad id! It's a word!
Bart: As in this game is stupid.
Homer: Hey, shut up boy.
Lisa Simpson: Yeah Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities for your big aptitude test tomorrow.
Marge: We could look this id thing up in the dictionary.
Homer: We've got one?
Marge: I think it's under the short leg of the couch.
[Homer lifts up couch and gives the dictionary to Lisa]
Lisa Simpson: Id, along with the ego and the superego one of three components of the psyche.
Homer: Get out of here!
Bart: My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters! Game's over I'm outta here.

Principal Seymour Skinner: You there, no chewing gum on school grounds! In the trash can with it.
Martin Prince: Principal Skinner, one of my fellow children is vandalizing school property.
Principal Seymour Skinner: Oh, where?
Martin Prince: Over there sir. See!
Milhouse van Houten: Look out Bart! Here comes Skinner!
Bart: Yikes!

Ms. Melon: Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives?
Bart: Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.


"The Simpsons: Bart Sells His Soul (#7.4)" (1995)
Lisa: Hmmm, Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Bart: Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It's just something parents made up to scare children, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

[Bart has sold his soul to Milhouse]
Milhouse: A pleasure doing business with you.
Bart: Anytime, chummm... p.

Bart: [to Milhouse] How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid?

[after Bart has sold his soul]
Bart: Hey, boy, how's it going?
[Santa's Little Helper rears up and growls]
Bart: [to Snowball II] What's wrong with him?
[Snowball II rears up and hisses]
Bart: Geez! You're pretty uppity for someone who eats bugs all day.
[He leaves. Snowball II coughs out a bug]

[after selling his soul, Bart goes to the Qwik-E-Mart, and bumps into the sliding glass door when it fails to open]
Bart: Oof! Stupid automatic door!
[Bart steps back. Rod and Tod walk by, and the door opens for them]
Rod Flanders, Tod Flanders: Thank you, door!
[Bart slips in after them. A few minutes later, he tries to leave, and bumps into the door when it fails to open again]
Bart: [rubbing his nose] This is getting weird...
Apu: [over loudspeaker] Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex. Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex.

Bart: Milhouse! Milhouse! Open up! You win. I just want this nightmare to end.
Potato Bug Sprayer: [the door opens and a man in a radiation suit with a Darth Vader voice comes out] Leave this place. You are in great danger.
Bart: Where's Milhouse?
Potato Bug Sprayer: The one you call Milhouse is gone.
[he removes his helmet and it's just a normal man with a squeakier voice]
Potato Bug Sprayer: He went to his Grandma's, while we're spraying for potato bugs.
[the camera pulls back to reveal the house being fumigated]


"The Simpsons: The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (#8.25)" (1997)
Marge Simpson: Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of a semester.
The Commandant: Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks.
Bart Simpson: "Freak-outs?"

Bart Simpson: Please don't make me stay, Dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes!

Lisa: Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.
Bart Simpson: But if you quit, it'd be like an expert knot tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot.
Lisa: Why'd you say that?
Bart Simpson: I dunno, I was just looking at my shoelaces.

Lisa: I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough.
Bart Simpson: I thought you came here looking for a challenge.
Lisa: Duh! A challenge I could do!

Homer Simpson: [nervously] Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns?
Bart Simpson: Sir! Yes, sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!

Firing Range Instructor: Since you've attended public schools, I'm going to assume you're already proficient with small arms. So, we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.
[hands Bart a grenade launcher]
Bart Simpson: Wow.
[Bart begins firing away at his targets, destroying four. The last grenade flies off into the distance]
Firing Range Instructor: Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target.
Bart Simpson: [slyly] Did I?
[Springfield Elementary. Principal Skinner is standing next to the smoldering crater that was his car]
Nelson Muntz: HA-HA!

Lisa: [after conquering the "Eliminator" rope climb] I did it! I did it!
Bart Simpson: Way to go, Lis! I'm so proud of you!
[pause]
Bart Simpson: You can put your arms down now, Lis.
Lisa: I can't, they're stuck!


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets a 'Z' (#21.2)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: You know, my dad's more fun when he's had a few beers. Maybe Ms. Krabappel would be more fun if we "Irish up" her coffee.
Nelson Muntz: You mean put blood in it?
Bart Simpson: No, I mean liquor. Now for the easy part. Kids, go get some booze.

Bart Simpson: You need to go out once in a while. When was the last time you washed your hair?
Edna Krabappel: Two weeks ago.
Bart Simpson: That's better than me, but you still need to go out.

Bart Simpson: Bookstores don't have answers. Just creepy guys sitting at the end of the aisles.
Moe Szyslak: Hey, I've never paid to read Doris Kearns Goodwin, and I ain't gonna start now. Oh, that's good Doris right there.

Bart Simpson: A Simpson never gives up until he's done one easy thing.

Ned Flanders: One cran bran for the Flan man.
Bart Simpson: Here you go.
Edna Krabappel: What did he ask for?
Bart Simpson: Beats me. I just gave him a banana.

Bart Simpson: Dad, am I bad on the inside?
Homer Simpson: No, but the layers of badness reach almost to the center.
Bart Simpson: But there's still a kernel of good inside me, right?
Homer Simpson: I don't know. Kernels are kinda big.

Principal Seymour Skinner: I'd love to have Edna back, but I can't just fire a teacher if he's doing a good job, or even an adequate job, or shows up at all without touching someone.
Zachary Vaughn: [Chanting out in the hall] I hate children! I hate children! Children suck! Children suck!
Principal Seymour Skinner: What's this? Teacher's lounge talk in the hallways?
Zachary Vaughn: I hate children! You and you and you and you! School is useless! Hilary Swank never graduated high school, and she won two Oscars, one of which she deserved.
Principal Seymour Skinner: You said you didn't put liquor in his drink.
Bart Simpson: I didn't.
Zachary Vaughn: I mixed vodka with my Blue Bronco. Anyone else want to ride the indigo pony?
Martin Prince: Is there extra credit?
Zachary Vaughn: Oh, they're gonna eat you alive at CalTech. Alive!


"The Simpsons: Little Big Girl (#18.12)" (2007)
Bart Simpson: You know, I thought Darcy and I would be like a real married couple, instead we ended up fighting all the time...
Homer Simpson: Eee, yeaa how about that?

Homer Simpson: Son, one day you're gonna be a great father.
Bart Simpson: Awww, and someday you will be one too.

Bart Simpson: That's it! I want a license.
Mayor Quimby: To kill?
Bart Simpson: No, to drive.
Mayor Quimby: Suit yourself.

Darcy: I love you.
Bart Simpson: That is such a girl thing to say.

Utah Minister: And how many brides shall you be marrying?
Bart Simpson: Just one.
Utah Minister: What are you, gay?

Darcy: You really are ten, I just thought you were really stupid.
Bart Simpson: I'm ten AND stupid!

Bart Simpson: [Darcy is screaming at Bart to get her some strawberries] Take my wife... hey, I finally get that joke!


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Vegetarian (#7.5)" (1995)
Lisa: I never realized before, but some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons send the message that violence against animals is funny.
Bart: They what? Cartoons don't have messages, Lisa.
[moves toward door]
Bart: They're just a bunch of hilarious stuff you know, like people getting hurt and stuff, stuff like that.
[Bart gets slammed behind the door by Homer]
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [reading the invitation] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't you have some other type of party, one where you don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat?'. I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
Bart: [musically] You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
Bart, Homer: You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
Bart, Homer, Marge: You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
Lisa: Mom!
Marge: I don't mean to take sides, I just got caught up in the rhythm.

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad?
Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you! You barbeque-wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
Lisa: That's IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore. I am out of here!
[leaves and slams the door]
Homer: That's it! Go to your room!

[Lisa has stolen the rotisserie pig from Homer's barbeque]
Marge: Bart! No!
Bart: [Bart has done nothing] What?
Marge: Sorry, force of habit. Lisa! No!

Bart, Homer: [chanting] You don't win friends with salad, you don't win friends with salad, you don't win friends with salad...

[Homer is scanning the sky with binoculars, looking for his pig]
Bart: Give it up, Dad. Piggy ain't coming back.
[Homer growls and throws the binoculars into the garbage]
Homer: Lisa! You ruined my barbeque! I demand you apologize this second!
Lisa: I'm never ever apologizing because I was standing up for a just cause and you were wrong, wrong, wrong! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to my room!
Homer: That's it! Go to your room!

[Homer and Bart are chasing the rolling rotisserie pig. It rolls through some bushes]
Homer: It's just a little dirty! It's still good, it's still good!
[the cart falls off the edge of a drainage culvert, and the pig floats down the stream]
Homer: It's just a little slimy! It's still good, it's still good!
[the pig reaches a dam at the end of the stream and plugs the drain hole. The water pressure builds up behind it, until it launches out of the hole into the air]
Homer: It's just a little airborne! It's still good, it's still good!
Bart: It's gone.
Homer: I know.

Lisa: Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB.
Bart: Hey, Homer, what's that B for?
Homer: That's a typo.


"The Simpsons: Blood Feud (#2.22)" (1991)
Homer: Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats.
Bart: Yeah, Mom. We got hosed!
Homer: [slams fist on table and shouts] Bart!

Homer: Bart, I'm not asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy. You may not realize it now, but when you save a rich guy's life, he showers you with riches. Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?
Bart: Is it a Bible story?
Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo. Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches.
Bart: How did a lion get rich?
Homer: It was the olden days.
Bart: Oh.

Homer: Marge, quick, what's my blood type?
Marge Simpson: A-positive.
Homer: Aw, nuts!
Lisa Simpson: You know his blood type? How romantic!
Marge Simpson: A mother knows everything about her family.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, yeah? What's my shoe size?
Marge Simpson: 4-B.
Bart: How many teeth do I have?
Marge Simpson: Sixteen permanent, eight baby.
Lisa Simpson: Rings?
Marge Simpson: I don't want you wearing rings, it looks cheap. But three.
Homer: How many hairs on my head? Without looking!
Marge Simpson: Oh, Homie, you have lots of hair.
Lisa Simpson: Earmuff?
Marge Simpson: XM.
Bart: Allergies?
Marge Simpson: Butterscotch and imitation butterscotch.
Bart: And...?
Marge Simpson: Glow-in-the-dark monster makeup.
Bart: Ooh, impressive.

Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing! Just a big, scary rock!
Bart: Hey, don't knock the head, man.
Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded! The moral of the story is that a good deed is its own reward!
Bart: But we got a reward, the head is cool!
Marge: Well, then maybe the moral is, no good deed goes unrewarded.
Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter we wouldn't have gotten anything.
Marge: Mmmm... then I guess the moral is, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Lisa: Maybe there is no moral, Mom.
Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
Homer: Amen to that.
[the whole family laughs]

Bart: [about Homer's insulting letter to Mr Burns] The last place I saw it...
Homer: Uh-huh...
Bart: Was in my hand...
Homer: Yeah...
Bart: As-I-was-shoving-it-into-the-mailbox.
Homer: [shouting] D'oh!
[upset]
Homer: Why did you *do* that?
Bart: Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you, you're an emotional guy. Just because you were mad last night, there's no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning, so I figured...
Homer: I'll show you mad in the morning!
[starts strangling Bart]

Bart: They always told me I was gonna destroy the family, but I never really believed it.
Lisa: That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it. We were just trying to scare you.

Moe: Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check.
[calls to the bar]
Moe: Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Everybody in the bar: [snickers]
Moe: Listen, you little puke! One of these days I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!


"The Simpsons: Grift of the Magi (#11.9)" (1999)
Kent Brockman: [from a TV broadcast] Our top story is the ozone hole that devastated Brazil last summer is apparently wintering in Springfield.
Bart Simpson: Wooh! Springfield rocks!
Kent Brockman: [from a TV broadcast] Residents are advised to stay inside unless you use sunscreen, or are very, very hairy. Experts recommend class nine, or Robin Williams level of hair coverage.

[Lisa has been forced to write on the chalkboard, punishment for doing math in class]
Bart Simpson: [laughs] Lisa in trouble. The ironing is delicious.
Lisa Simpson: The word is irony.
Bart Simpson: Huh?
Lisa Simpson: Don't you think there's something weird going on here? We spent all day selecting fabric swatches and then our guest speaker was Phil, from marketing.
Bart Simpson: All's I know is I'm getting straights A's, and that ain't not bad.

[scene starts with Funzo singing, dancing, and playing with Bart]
Bart Simpson: It's always a party with Funzo!
Lisa Simpson: [Lisa walks up] I admit, it's kind of cute. But it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy.
[Funzo takes the Malibu Stacy doll, breaks it, and throws it in the fire]
Lisa Simpson: AWHH! Did you see that!
Bart Simpson: Yeah! Funzo makes playtime fun!
[Funzo starts choking Bart's Krusty doll]
Bart Simpson: Hey, why is it destroying other toys?
Lisa Simpson: They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition.
Bart Simpson: You mean like Microsoft?
Lisa Simpson: Exactly! Come on Bart, we've gotta warn everyone.

[Fanzo threw a Barbie in the fire and strangled a Krusty toy]
Bart: Why is it destroying other toys?
Lisa: It must be programmed to do so to eliminate competition.
Bart: You mean like Microsoft?
Lisa: Yeah.

Bart: Man, I'm so bored.
Milhouse: Wait until we're teenagers, then we'll be happy.

Homer Simpson: So, who am I beating up?
Lisa Simpson: Nobody. You're just gonna break into everyone's house and steal their favorite toy.
Bart Simpson: Thus saving Christmas.
Homer Simpson: Now, let's see... this'll make three Christmases I saved versus eight I ruined... two were kind of a draw...

Lisa Simpson: [sneaking into the executives' office] Get down! Security guard!
[they get down, and Bart sees Gary Coleman on the phone, eating Chinese food]
Bart Simpson: Hey, it's Gary Coleman!
Gary Coleman: [on the phone] But the menu said "galaxy of prawns." Three prawns are hardly a galaxy. What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr. Kwan.
Bart Simpson: Wait, I want to see how this turns out.
Lisa Simpson: The phone's not even plugged in...
Gary Coleman: All right, you listen to me, Kwan... Hang on, I got another call.
[he presses a button]
Gary Coleman: Yes, Mr. President! I can be in Washington right away!


"The Simpsons: Mypods and Boomsticks (#20.7)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: All this years I've been petting lambs when I should have been shoving them in my mouth.

Bart Simpson: Stupid angry mob chasing me for shining a harsh light on modern society. Now I know how Dane Cook feels.

Bart Simpson: You can't just wail on some one because they're... what religion are you?
Bashir: Muslim.
Bart Simpson: Whoa boy!

Marge Simpson: Remember our deal: we each get to return one Christmas gift with no hurt feelings. I'm returning this kitten calendar.
[Calendar has "from Bart" sticker on it]
Lisa Simpson: Um, I'm also returning the kitten calendar.
Homer Simpson: Kitten calendar.
[Maggie holds up calendar]
Bart Simpson: But those are fifteen month calendars. That means three extra kittens.
[He takes all the calendars]
Bart Simpson: Fine. That's the last time I shop for all of you at the last minute.

Marge Simpson: Lisa, add a new name to our Christmas list, next to our Jewish friends. Say, where is Lisa?
Bart Simpson: She said something about "bottom of the ocean" and "back in a month".

Bart Simpson: What's that exotic aroma? It smells like a hamburger being cooked in a rug store.

Bart Simpson: You're new here, so here's what you need to know: we call Principal Skinner "Principal Skin-rash", Professor Weiner is "Professor Whiner", and Groundskeeper Willie is Grounds-Creepier Stupid.
Groundskepper Willie: That's not even clever. There are so many aspects of my personality you can mock. I'm poor, I'm illiterate, I think movies are real...


"The Simpsons: Dial 'N' for Nerder (#19.14)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: Hey, I didn't know this park was here.
Lisa Simpson: You wrote a report on it last week.
Bart Simpson: The internet wrote it. I just handed it in.

Martin Prince: Care to make it a trio, Bart? You can brush and I can blow.
Bart Simpson: Well, I agree you blow.
Martin Prince: Then it's a plan!
Bart Simpson: A lot of people blow, but no one blows like you.
Martin Prince: High praise indeed.
Bart Simpson: If you looked up blow in the dictionary...
Lisa Simpson: Bart, he's not gonna get it.

Bart Simpson: The bone's the very thing, methinks, to prank my sister and the dink.

Martin Prince: A bone? An unusual specimen, I wonder what it could belong to.
Bart Simpson: Maybe it's from a Dorkasarus!
Martin Prince: Dorkasaur... Well, that's an absurd proposition!
Bart Simpson: You're an absurd...
Lisa Simpson: Forget it!

Bart Simpson: See that fat lady with the moustache? That's you.
Lisa Simpson: See that hippo rolling in dung? You're the dung.
Marge Simpson: That's enough. You each got one in.
Bart Simpson: Oh, but her's was better.

Bart Simpson: Martin was like Jesus, only real.

Nelson Muntz: I hope you two learned something from all this.
Lisa Simpson: I learned that inside my goody-two-shoes are some very dark socks.
Bart Simpson: And I learned that killing a nerd is not as cool as it sounds.
Nelson Muntz: There's just one more thing...
[turns to camera]
Nelson Muntz: You folks have a good night.


"The Simpsons: I Love Lisa (#4.15)" (1993)
Elizabeth Hoover: Do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?
Bart: I'll be good.

[Bart and Lisa both want to go to the Krusty Anniversary Show, and Ralph Wiggum has tickets to take himself and her; his crush]
Lisa: I don't even know if I should go. I don't even like him.
Bart: You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. I'll go disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he -...
Bart: [interrupts Lisa] You don't wanna know how far I'll go.

[Before the President's Day pageant]
Bart: Hey girls, check out this president!
[He turns around and drops his pants, showing a pair of fake eyes and a long nose attached to his butt]
Bart: [a la Richard Nixon] I am not a butt!

Milhouse Van Houten: [as Lincoln] I thought that Civil War would never end. Now to soothe my head with an evening at Ford's Theater.
[doors behind him are kicked open]
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh, no! John Wilkes Booth!
Bart: Hasta la vista, Abey.

[showing Lisa his tape of the Krusty Anniversary Show, where Lisa rejected Ralph]
Bart: Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.
[he advances the tape in slow motion]
Bart: And... now!
[on the tape, Ralph gives a little whimper; Lisa groans]

Principal Skinner: [after having a traumatic flashback of Valentine's Day in Vietnam] Johnny. Johnny! JOHNNYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Bart: Cool! I broke his brain


"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
Bart: Milhouse, do ever think about the people in those car?

Bart: Sometimes I wonder about all the people in this town. Do you think anything interesting ever happens to 'em? I mean, there must be thousands of great stories out there.

Bart: What do you think, milhouse? Milhouse.

Bart: Forget it. Come on. It's 11:00. I need some sugar.

Bart: Well, milhouse, I guess interesting stuff does happen to people in springfield.

Bart: There's just not enough time to hear 'em all.


"The Simpsons: Postcards from the Wedge (#21.14)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: Bart, you would really ruin mom and dad's marriage just to get out of a little homework?
Bart Simpson: Hey, hey! I would end all live on this planet if it would get me out of learning fractions.
Lisa Simpson: Fractions aren't so hard. All you have to do is find a lowest common denominator. For example, one-half plus one-third is four...
Bart Simpson: End... All... Life... On... This... Planet!
[Makes explosion sound]
Lisa Simpson: You'll need to know fractions to make that explosion!
Bart Simpson: I don't care!

Lisa Simpson: Congratulations. You are now officially a sociopath.
Bart Simpson: Hey, at least I'm on a path.

Homer Simpson: [Angry] You're a month behind on your homework?
Bart Simpson: I tried really hard to keep you from finding out. Does that count for something?
Homer Simpson: [Still angry] A little!

Nelson Muntz: If your parents aren't getting PO'd, are you really pranking? You gotta take it up a notch.
Bart Simpson: Really?
Nelson Muntz: If no one gets mad, are you really being bad? Think about it.
Bart Simpson: Wow.
Nelson Muntz: I know.

Edna Krabappel: Bart, you had a month to do that assigment. You started thirty minutes ago.
Bart Simpson: Thank you, thank you.
Edna Krabappel: That wasn't a compliment. You have crushed my dreams of teaching ever since I saw "To Sir With Love" as a little girl.
Nelson Muntz: Ha-ha! You're old!
Edna Krabappel: It was on VHS in the '80s.
Nelson Muntz: Outdated medium. I stand by my "Ha-ha!"

Marge Simpson: Let's have lunch at Crouching Tiger Hidden Eggroll.
Homer Simpson: No line, close to the bathrooms... I see no reason to disagree.
Bart Simpson: Smooth move, mom. Choosing the one place that doesn't serve beer.
Homer Simpson: What the... Then I wanna eat at Moe's Express.
Moe Szyslak: [to bartenders] And by express I mean express your anger at the world.


"The Simpsons: A Test Before Trying (#24.10)" (2013)
Lisa Simpson: So, how's the studying going?
Bart Simpson: When I start I'll tell you.
Lisa Simpson: This is the most selfish thing you've ever done.
[From Bart's perspective]
Lisa Simpson: You're letting your friends go hang because you are lazy and selfish and,
[Bart began to close his eyes]
Lisa Simpson: hey, are you falling asleep just to spite me?

Lisa Simpson: [Bart opens his eyes] Spinach farm, huh? That's right, you talk in your sleep.
Bart Simpson: Lisa, I want to pass that test. But I need your help.
[From Lisa's perspective]
Bart Simpson: I have all sorts of problems: Lack of attention, I'm afraid of ovals, I only
[Lisa starts closing her eyes at Bart like he did before ignoring her, doing it back at him]
Bart Simpson: know 24 letters. Don't you fall asleep on me.
[Lisa's eyes are finally closed]

Bart Simpson: It's hopeless! I can't make up for years of goofing up in one day. I need two days!
Lisa Simpson: Look, Bart. It's not important to know what's on the test so much as how to take the test. If you don't know the answer to one question, leave it for later. And if you still don't know the answer, just guess B and move on. Now, what's the capital of Massachussets?
Bart Simpson: Uh, B?
Lisa Simpson: Very good.

Bart Simpson: [Blocking the path of a bug] Driving you crazy instead of pulling your legs off. I've really matured.

Bart Simpson: I didn't study.
Principal Skinner: What?
Bart Simpson: I fell asleep on the books, so I might have gotten something through osmosis.
Principal Skinner: So you know what osmosis is?
Bart Simpson: Uh... pajamas?

Bart Simpson: Well, looks like Mr. Vanilla just grew a pair of chocolate chips.
Principal Skinner: Save your analogies for the analogy part of the test.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
Homer Simpson: [chops down a door a la The Shining] Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
[there's no one in the room]
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[chops down another door]
Homer Simpson: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavid Letterman!
Grandpa Simpson: Hi, David, I'm Grampa.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[chops down another door and holds a stopwatch]
Homer Simpson: I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!
Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Bart Simpson: Hey! I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.
Groundskeeper Willy: Why you little...
[thinking]
Groundskeeper Willy: No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into haggis!
Bart Simpson: What's haggis?
Groundskeeper Willy: [gasps] Boy... you read my thoughts! You've got the Shinning.
Bart Simpson: You mean "Shining".
Groundskeeper Willy: [sotto voce] Shh! You wanna to get sued? Now look, boy: if your Dad goes gaga, you just use that... Shin of yours to call me and I'll come a runnin'. But don't be reading my mind between four and five. That's Willy's time!

Marge: [Bart awakens from a nightmare] Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back home with your family now, where there's nothing to be afraid of... except that fog that turns people inside out.
Bart: Huh?
Homer: [the fog starts coming in] Uh-oh, it's seeping in. STUPID CHEAP WEATHER STRIPPING!
[everyone screams as the fog turns them inside out; then they stop screaming, looking at each other. Music plays, and they start dancing and singing]
Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa: One chorus line of people, dancing till they make us stop!
Groundskeeper Willie: [Willy, also turned inside out, jumps on stage] Too...!
Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa, Groundskeeper Willie: Many dancing people, covered in blood, gore, and glop!/Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out!/It's worse than that flesh-eating virus you've read about!/Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in, the family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine!/Happy Halloween!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, look!
[holds TV up]
Homer Simpson: Television! Teacher, mother...
Homer Simpson: [lustily] ... secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading - rising! Fading... fading... gone.
[family sighs]
Homer Simpson: Come, family. sit in the snow with daddy and let us all bask in TV's warm glowing warming glow.
[Hours later, everyone is frozen]
man introducing Tony Awards: [on TV] Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!
Bart Simpson: [with difficulty] Homer... change channel.
Homer Simpson: Can't! Frozen!
[music on TV: "One chorus line of people...?]
Homer Simpson: [family screams]
Homer Simpson: Urge to kill... rising...

Lisa: Mom! Mom! You gotta help! They're cooking kids in the school cafeteria!
Marge Simpson: Listen, kids - you're eight and ten years old now; I can't be fighting all your battles for you.
Bart Simpson: But, mom!
Marge Simpson: Nobuts! You march right back to that school, look them straight in the eye and say 'Don't eat me'.

Bart Simpson: Don't worry, guys, something always comes along to save us.
Milhouse Van Houten: Aaaaaggggghhhhh!
[Milhouse falls to his death in the meat grinder]
Bart Simpson: Ah, nevertheless, I remain confident something will come along and save the two Simpson children.


"The Simpsons: Bart's Girlfriend (#6.7)" (1994)
Reverand Lovejoy: [throws Bart out] Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"!
Bart Simpson: [pleading] But-but-but, but-but-but...
Helen Lovejoy: [covering her ears] Make him stop! Make him stop!

Bart Simpson: There's only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut!
[he walks down the street, while "Stayin' Alive" plays]

Bart Simpson: Hi. I'm Bart Simpson. I was incredibly moved by your reading. I don't think God's words have ever sounded so plausible.
Jessica Lovejoy: Thanks... Art. Um, I have to go over here now.
[she turns away from Bart and awkwardly faces the other direction]

Lisa Simpson: Don't be so hard on yourself, Bart. It's not your fault Jessica doesn't like you.
Bart Simpson: Is it my hair? My overbite? The fact that I've worn the same clothes day in day out for the last four years?
Lisa Simpson: No, Bart. I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along. She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter and you're the devil's cabana boy.

Helen Lovejoy: So, Bart. How's school going? Jessica always gets straight A's.
Bart Simpson: Well, in my family grades aren't that important. It's what you *learn* that counts.
Reverand Lovejoy: Six times five. What is it?
Bart Simpson: Um. Actually numbers don't have much use in my future career. Olympic gold medal rocketsled champ!
Helen Lovejoy: Hmm, I didn't know the rocketsled was an Olympic event.
Bart Simpson: Well, no offense lady but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

Bart Simpson: And her hair smells like red Froot Loops.
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, well I eat Froot Loops for breakfast!


"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)
Sideshow Bob: Now, Bart, any last requests?
Bart Simpson: [sees a sign that says "Springfield 15 Mi" pass behind Bob, decides to buy himself some time] Well, there was one, but... Naah, forget it.
Sideshow Bob: No, go on.
Bart Simpson: It's just that you have such a beautiful voice...
Sideshow Bob: Guilty as charged.
Bart Simpson: Uh huh. Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of the "H.M.S. Pinafore".
Sideshow Bob: Very well, Bart. I shall send you to Heaven before I send you to hell. and a 1 and a 2 and
[singing]
Sideshow Bob: "We sail the ocean blue, and our saucy ship's a beauty. We are sober men and true, and attentive to our duty..."
[later]
Sideshow Bob: "I'm called Little Buttercup, poor Little Buttercup, thugh I could never tell why..."
[later]
Sideshow Bob: ..."What never?" "No never." "What never?" "Hardly ever!"
[with Bart]
Sideshow Bob, Bart Simpson: "he's hardly ever sick at sea..."
[later]
Sideshow Bob: "... For he himself has said it, and it's clearly to his credit, that he is an Englishman. He remai-hains ah-han Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh-hengLISHman!"

Marge: [looking at Bart's collection of death threats] Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting.
Homer Simpson: Oh, uh, I wrote that one, after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.
[Homer drops his pants, revealing a "wide load" tattoo on his rear end. Everyone laughs]
Nelson: [outside the window] Ha ha!
Bart: But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis The Menace.
Homer Simpson: It's probably the person you least suspect.
Lisa: That's good, Dad.
Grampa: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit! It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George Guberlindsey.
Bart: Grandpa, Matlock's not real.
Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say, Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says.

Lisa: [Lisa thinks she might know who's been threatening Bart] Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years?
Bart Simpson: Linda Lavin?
Lisa: No, someone who *didn't* deserve it.

[Bart has difficulty sleeping, his bedroom door opens, a sharp knife appears and man charges into the room casting a scary shadow on the ceiling]
Homer: [holding a large knife upside-down] BARTYOUWANTSOMEBROWNIEBEFOREYOUGOTOBED?
Bart Simpson: [screames] AAAAAHHHHH!
Homer: [kneels down and scary shadow disappears] Come on, let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.
Bart Simpson: [as Homer cuts the brownies] Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming into my room screaming and brandishing the butcher knife.
Homer: [stops cutting the brownies] Why?
[Homer looks at the large knife he is holding]
Homer: Oh, right. The *Sideshow Bob* thing, oh I'm sorry boy.
[Homer kisses Bart and leaves the room. Seconds later, Homer bursts into the room again wearing a white hockey mask and holding a switched on electric chainsaw, which he holds up]
Homer: BARTYOUWANTTOSEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?
Bart Simpson: [screams louder] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Homer: [turning off the chainsaw and lifting the hockey mask] Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?
[Homer kisses Bart and leaves the room]

Homer: Hey, kids! Want to drive through that cactus patch?
Bart: Yeah!
Lisa: Yeah!
Sideshow Bob: [underneath car] No!
Homer: Well, two against one!
[drives through cactus field]
Sideshow Bob: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!


"The Simpsons: Stark Raving Dad (#3.1)" (1991)
[answering the phone]
Bart: Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.

[Homer is calling home from a mental institution]
Bart: Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
Homer: Boy, when I get home, I'm gonna wrap my hands around your neck and...
[noticing the orderlies glaring at him, he relents]
Homer: ...smother you with kisses.
Bart: Homer, whatever they've got you on, cut the dose.

Leon Kompowsky: You know Bart, when I was growing up I didn't have much money. So you know what I did every time my sisters' birthdays rolled around?
Bart: Stiffed them?
Leon Kompowsky: No Bart, I wrote them a song to show them I cared.
Bart: I can't write a song! I'm only ten.
Leon Kompowsky: ONLY ten?, When I was your age, I had six Gold records.
Bart: Hey, Looney Tunes!
[pulls out the Thriller album]
Bart: THIS is what Michael Jackson looks like! You just look like a big, fat mental patient!
Leon Kompowsky: You'd be amazed how often I hear that, Bart.

Bart: [singing] Lisa, her teeth are big and green. Lisa, she smells like gasoline. Lisa, ta-ra-ra Lisa. She is my sista, her birthday I mista.

Bart: [Lisa wakes up Bart] Lisa, it's 6 a.m., what's wrong? Dad died?
Lisa Simpson: No, no, no, he's fine.
Bart: Whaddya know, I'm relieved!

Milhouse Van Houten: Looks like they're finally haulin' your Dad away, Bart.
Bart: Maybe it's for the best.


"The Simpsons: Lost Verizon (#20.2)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: I'm never gonna have a cell phone.
Lisa Simpson: And I'm never gonna go to Machu Picchu. In this family, you get used to disappointment.

Bart Simpson: Hello? Bart Simpson.
Denis Leary: This is Denis Leary, you little puke! When I find you, I'm gonna tear your heart out with two fingers! I know how to do it, too. I learned it for my show.
Bart Simpson: Which one? The one that got canceled, or the one that's gonna get canceled?

Bart Simpson: Mom, even Milhouse has a cell phone. Your son is lamer than Milhouse! What does that say about you?

[Bart is at Lisa's tea party]
Bart Simpson: I don't know why I agreed to this.
Lisa Simpson: Because you like the taste of my imaginary tea.
Bart Simpson: Oh, you're right.

Bart Simpson: Millhouse, I hold in this hand Denis Leary's cellphone, and in this hand, the phone numbers of bars around the world. Let's start with Hawaii.
Various: Aloha!
Bart Simpson: Aloha to you. I'm looking for Maya, last name Normousbutt.
Various: Hang on, I'll check. Uh, has anyone here seen Maya Normousbutt?
Various: I've got a Drew P. Wiener here? Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener? I hold in my hand a Drew P. Weiner.
Various: Better put it down, then, mate!
[patrons laughing]
Various: Yeah? I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Allof? Attention, everyone. Allof Myfriendsaregay?
[Bart and Millhouse laugh]
Various: Wait a minute. If I ever get ahold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.

Marge Simpson: Bart, how did you get a cell phone?
Bart Simpson: Same way you got me. By accident, on a golf course.


"The Simpsons: Lisa on Ice (#6.8)" (1994)
Lisa: Bart! What are you doing in my room?
Bart Simpson: Lisa, certain differences - rivalries, if you will - have arisen between us. At first I thought that we could talk it out, like grown-ups. But instead, I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny!
Lisa: [confused] Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy.
Bart Simpson: AH! Mr. Honeybunny!
[pushes the head back on, and kisses it]

Lisa: Bart, just get out of here.
Bart Simpson: Hey, you get out out. It's a free country.
Lisa: That doesn't make any sense.
Bart Simpson: I know you are, but what am I?
Lisa: Get out, get out!
Bart Simpson: All right. But on my way, I'm going to be doing this...
[windmills his arms]
Bart Simpson: If you get hit, it's your own fault.
Lisa: Okay, then I'm going to start kicking air, like this...
[kicks up her foot]
Lisa: And if any part of you should fill that air...
[kicks up her other foot]
Lisa: It's *your* own fault.
[They shut their eyes and move toward each other, grunting as they flail or kick. Cut to downstairs in the kitchen, where Marge and Homer are. Their grunts soon turn to yells of pain, and sounds of fighting]

[Before the big hockey game]
Bart Simpson: Good luck, Lis. I'll try not to *hurt* you.
Lisa: That's okay, I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's *head.*
[reveals it on a string around her neck]
Bart Simpson: [gasp] Mr. Honeybunny! You inhuman monster!
Lisa: You want a piece of me?
[They start fighting, Apu pulls them apart]
Apu: Hey, hey! Save this precious hatred for the game!

Edna Krabappel: All right, children, it's book report time. We'll go in alphabetical order. Today will be A-M.
Bart Simpson: Saved! I love being a S-S-S-S-Simpson!
Edna Krabappel: Let's see, we have no A's. So we'll go right to the B's. Bart?
Bart Simpson: Huh?
Edna Krabappel: Ha!

[Lisa has received an academic alert that she is failing gym class]
Marge: Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder.
Homer: Whew. That's all of 'em.
[puts stack of academic alerts in front of Bart]
Homer: And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son?
Bart: Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates.
Homer: Done and done.
Lisa: That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out?
Homer: [sitting back] Ah, the mysteries of life.

Marge: Kids can be so cruel.
Bart: We can? Thanks, Mom.


"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Krusty (#9.15)" (1998)
[Homer walks into the bathroom to use the lavatory]
Bart Simpson: Dad!
Homer: [laughs] Whoops, sorry son. I didn't know you, Jay Leno, and a monkey were bathing a clown.

Bart Simpson: What do we need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Homer Simpson: Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him!

Bart Simpson: Oh, P-U, what where you drinking, gasoline?
Krusty the Clown: Yes, I was drinking gasoline, MOTHER!

Homer Simpson: From now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs!
Bart Simpson: Dad!
Homer Simpson: You too, Bart!
Marge Simpson: Oh, knock it off, Homer, you're the fattest one in the car!
Homer Simpson: [shocked, hurt] You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge!

Bart Simpson: And then of course there's Mom who sounds something like this.
[Bart ties a blue blanket around his head to resemble Marge's hair]
Bart Simpson: [in a shaky voice] Eat your vegetables. Take a sweater. I don't think that's a good idea.
[groans]
Homer Simpson: [Homer and Lisa laugh] Take that, Marge!
[Marge groans]

[Driving home from Krusty's comedy show]
Homer Simpson: From now on, I'm going to be just like Krusty and tell it like it is! Marge, you're getting a little fat around the thighs.
Bart: Dad!
Homer Simpson: You too, Bart.
Marge: Oh Homer, be quiet, you're the fattest person in this car.
Homer Simpson: Aw... you didn't have to tell it like it is.


"The Simpsons: The Book Job (#23.6)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: The point of dinosaurs is that an asteroid is going to wipe us out no matter what we do, so we should just party hard and wreck the place.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, why should the asteroid have all the fun?

Homer Simpson: The king of fantasy novels in our fantasy novel writing team?
Bart Simpson: Okay, Gaiman, you're in. Your job is to get us lunch, and lose the British accent.
Neil Gaiman: Cheeseburgers! French fries! I'm all over that, pal!

Neil Gaiman: I'm so proud of us.
Bart Simpson: You didn't write any of it.
Neil Gaiman: That tuna didn't salad itself.

Homer Simpson: So, are we square for Kansas City?
Bart Simpson: Square as Golden Books, pops.

Bart Simpson: It's good. Weekly Reader selections good.
Homer Simpson: I just hope we put in enough steampunk, whatever that is.

Bart Simpson: Whatever the job is, I'm not interested.
Homer Simpson: A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours.
Bart Simpson: I like the beat. Play me the tune.
Homer Simpson: We're taking down kids who read.
Bart Simpson: Chapter-book crowd? That's a juicy peach, but what's the cream?
Homer Simpson: I'm putting together a tween-lit gang-write?
Bart Simpson: Tween-lit gang-write?
Homer Simpson: Tween-lit gang-write, but this Babar needs a Zephir.
Bart Simpson: A Zephir?
Homer Simpson: You're the Zephir.
Bart Simpson: This better not turn out like Kansas City.
Homer Simpson: It won't be like Kansas City.
Bart Simpson: [typed into the video game's high score list] I'm in.


"The Simpsons: Dead Putting Society (#2.6)" (1990)
Bart: Hey, Lis, what do you call those guys in chess that don't matter?
Lisa: Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're referring to a pawn.
Bart: Right, I am a pawn.
Lisa: I know. It's times like this I'm thankful that Dad has little to no interest in almost everything I do.

[preparing for the big miniature golf tournament]
Lisa: Eighth hole.
Bart: Aim for the octopus's third tentacle.
Lisa: Twelfth hole.
Bart: Bank it off the pink tombstone.
Lisa: Nirvana.
Bart: A state of bliss attained through the extinction of the self.

Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound. But here goes: I believe in you.
Bart: Thanks, man.

[Lisa takes Bart to the library]
Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books.
Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
Bart: Oh. Heh, heh. Gotcha.
[wink]

Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
Bart: Okay.
Lisa: Embrace nothingness.
Bart: You got it.
Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone.
Bart: Done.
Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about.
Bart: True.
Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating.
Bart: I'll bet.

Bart: But Dad, I've never won anything before in my life.
Homer: Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this: it is NOT okay to lose.


"The Simpsons: How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window? (#22.7)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: Looks like you're going to have to take care of it, Bart.
Bart Simpson: Me? What in my long, sad history with frogs makes you think I can take care of a bird?

Bart Simpson: Go ahead, make fun of me. I lost my heart to a bird.
Nelson Muntz: [Unenthusiastic] Haw-haw.
Bart Simpson: Man, you are not into that. What's wrong?
Nelson Muntz: My mom ran away with my birthday clown.

Moe Szyslak: Have you ever thought of racing that bird?
Homer Simpson: You can bet on pigeons?
Moe Szyslak: Hey, if it moves you can bet on it.
Bart Simpson: What about the Detroit Lions?
Moe Szyslak: Hey, lay off Detroit. Them people is going through Mad Max times.

Bart Simpson: I don't know. This coop looks a little flimsy.
Homer Simpson: Flimsy, eh? This gentle pat says different.
[Homer pats coop; the staples pop off and the frame collapses; the chicken wire rolls up back into the box and the staples fall in place to close it]
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Bart Simpson: Why are we taking it with us? And this time I don't mean Lisa.
Lisa Simpson: I'ts amazing how I can pity you and hate you at the same time. I bet there's a German word for it.

Edna Krabappel: I won't ask who sent the message if I can use the pigeon to send an message of my own.
Bart Simpson: As long as we're not learning.
Edna Krabappel: Deal.


"The Simpsons: Oh Brother, Where Bart Thou? (#21.8)" (2009)
Marge Simpson: [the power goes out while Bart is playing a video game] A fallen branch must have knocked out the power line.
Bart Simpson: Fine. Then I'll just watch TV.
Marge Simpson: TV runs on electricity too.
Bart Simpson: Then I'll watch a DVD. There's no way that runs on electricity.
[Marge grumbles]
Bart Simpson: Really? Does Obama know about this?

Lisa Simpson: Next, making his runway debut, Bartholomew. The vest is courtesy of Nelson, and the tights are Hello Kitty.
Bart Simpson: Hello Kitty? I thought they were Spider-Man heads! Ew, ew, ew!

Bart Simpson: Oh, my God, I do want a brother.
Lisa Simpson: You can have mine, but he's kinda lame.
Bart Simpson: D'oh!

Homer Simpson: [Explaining why he prefers girls] ... and you don't have to explain how their bodies work.
Bart Simpson: You never explained to me how my body works.
Homer Simpson: Point and shoot.

Bart Simpson: When poking a dead animal, don't go straight for the eyes. Build up to it.

Charlie: [hears rustling in the bushes] It's the Boogieman!
Bart Simpson: There is no such thing as the Boogieman.
Chief Wiggum: [Comes out of bushes] Boogie, boogie, boogie!


"The Simpsons: Replaceable You (#23.4)" (2011)
[Martin is hanging by his underwear; Bart knocks him down with his slingshot]
Martin Prince: Good shot.
Bart Simpson: Not really. I was trying to bounce it off your left teste.
Martin Prince: Testes, my good friend.

Martin Prince: Bully, Bart! Bully!
Bart Simpson: Bully? Where? Is it Nelson?
Martin Prince: No, Bart. It's just an expression.
Bart Simpson: Oh.
[Camera pans to show Nelson in the room]
Nelson Muntz: Who hast summoned me?
[Martin and Bart cower in fear]

Bart Simpson: And best of all, I got the funding for the Homer Humiliator.
[Cut to Homer standing by the Homer Humiliator, which hits him in the face with a pie and kicks him in the groin]
Homer Simpson: Oh, why would a Homer Humiliator do this to me?

Milhouse: Bart, is that cootie shot ready yet?
Bart Simpson: The science fair isn't until next week.
Milhouse: But I need it now! My dog and I accidentally touched tongues.
Bart Simpson: How is it accidentally when it's the fifth time?

Lisa Simpsons: [about Bart's cootie shot] Isn't this similar to your cootie patch last year?
Bart Simpson: That was preventive. This is morning after.

Bart Simpson: To sweeten the deal, I'll pick you first for basketball.
Martin Prince: Oh, to be a mathlete without the M.


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
[Bart tells Homer that he believes Homer's alien story]
Bart Simpson: You seem so damn sure.
Homer Simpson: Thanks, son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing?
Bart Simpson: Hell, yes.

Lisa: All right! It's time for ABC's "TGIF" line-up!
Bart Simpson: Lise, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday is just another day between NBC's "Must See Thursday" and CBS' "Saturday night craporama".

Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: [flippantly] Uh-huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.

Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!
Bart Simpson: What if we don't?
Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the FOX network.
Bart Simpson: They'll buy anything.
Homer: Now, Bart, they do a lot of quality programming too.
[Both burst out laughing]
Homer: I kill me.

Bart: Hey, dad. What's the word with planet crackpot?
Homer: I suppose you're going to mock me, too.
Bart: Actually, dad, I believe you.
Homer: You do?
Bart: Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure.
Homer: Thank you, son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing?
Bart: Hell yes.

Bart Simpson: Hey dad, can I have a sip of your beer?
Homer Simpson: Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.


"The Simpsons: Simpson Tide (#9.19)" (1998)
Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
Bart: Milhouse has one.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.
Homer: Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud naval tradition.
Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me.
Homer: Oh... I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
Lisa: Can I?
Homer: No.

[Bart has an earring]
Bart: Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age?
Homer: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different.

Milhouse: Hey Bart, check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?
Bart: Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?
Milhouse: No, I think she's HOT! Sorry, it just slipped out.

Jimbo Jones: Hey look. Milhouse has an earring.
[everyone on the bus starts chanting Milhouse's name in recognition of his newfound coolness]
Bart: Hey, if you want cool, check this out.
[singing and dancing]
Bart: Everybody if you can do the Bart, Man. Shake your body turn it out if you can, can. Do the Bart, Man, yeah.
Ralph: That is so 1991.

Bart: But mom, Milhouse's doing it.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff would you do it?
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III (#4.5)" (1992)
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Lisa, Bart: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Homer Simpson: That doll tried to kill me!
Bart Simpson: I'd say the pressure has finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?

[Flanders, a zombie, approaches Homer]
Ned Flanders: Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a might peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?
[Homer kills Flanders by blasting his head apart with a shotgun]
Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders.
Homer: He was a zombie?

Marge: Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
Bart: Shhh... TV.
Homer: [thud sound on TV] Man fall down... funny.

[a headless zombie enters the Simpson home, groaning. All the party-goers scream... then Ned Flanders's head pops out of the zombie's neck]
Ned Flanders: Hi, fellow Halloweenies! Did I scarededly-dare you?
Grampa: [gasping, clutching his heart] Ah... gol-durn it!
Bart: Nice try, Mr. Flanders, but I've got a story so scary, you'll wet your pants.
Grampa: Too late.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's First Word (#4.10)" (1992)
Bart: Can't sleep, clown will eat me!

Bart: Hey Homer, this house sucks.
Homer: Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me Daddy.

Marge: We saved the newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa Simpson: [reading] Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef.
Bart: Where's the beef? What the hell does that mean?
Homer: [laughing] Where's the beef. No wonder he won Minnesota.

Bart: Can you say "Get bent"?
Marge: Bart!
Bart: Mister Rogers says it all the time.

Marge: Meet your little sister, Lisa.
Bart: I hate you.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Father (#22.12)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: I think I just found the thing I'm gonna die on.

Lisa Simpson: Maybe if you studied harder and got better grades, Dad would give you the money for that bike.
Bart Simpson: Does dad give you money for good grades?
Lisa Simpson: I've been doing the family's checkbooks for years. I take what I need.

Bart Simpson: I like going to work with you, dad.
Homer Simpson: And I like having you here, son. 'Cause you can wake me up if someone comes.

Milhouse Van Houten: Oh my God! I found my new look!
[Milhouse shows Bart a pair of overalls]
Bart Simpson: Those are girl overalls.
Milhouse Van Houten: I could pull it off!

Homer Simpson: Can I have it Dad?
[showing Homer a picture of the minibike]
Homer Simpson: Huh?
Bart Simpson: Can I?


"The Simpsons: Pranks and Greens (#21.6)" (2009)
Milhouse Van Houten: Which prank shall we open with?
Bart Simpson: The exploding pen.
Milhouse Van Houten: I'm not familiar with that one.
[Pen explodes on Milhouse's face]
Bart Simpson: Let the games begin.

Bart Simpson: Milhouse, I just learned that there was a prankster in this school bigger than me.
Milhouse Van Houten: Wow! Imagine his sidekick.
[Imagines a giant nerd rampaging through a city, pausing to breathe through an inhaler]
Milhouse Van Houten: If he ever lost that giant inhaler, he'll have to hear from his parents.

Bart Simpson: It is an honor to meet the guy who wormed Skinner.
Andy Hamilton: Thanks. Back then, there was no YouTube. It was local news or nothing. Chips?
[Offers Bart a can of chips]
Bart Simpson: Wait a minute. Are there fake snakes in here?
Andy Hamilton: Give me some credit, man.
[Bart opens can, a cobra pops out]
Andy Hamilton: That's a real snake. Don't worry, it's defanged.
[Cobra bites Milhouse]
Andy Hamilton: Although he can rub venom from his gums. I'd wash that arm if I were you.

Bart Simpson: Dad, Lisa's making me see both sides again!
Homer Simpson: Lisa, what did I tell you about that?
Lisa Simpson: But dad, shouldn't Bart see both sides to make an informed decision?
Homer Simpson: Well... But... Aw, now you've got me doing it!

Krusty: Kid, what are you doing? You're ruining the bit!
Bart Simpson: No! I will not let you become a bitter, twisted monster like Principal Skinner.
Principal Skinner: [Watching on TV] Watch the Krusty Show, they tell me. It'll help you relax, they tell me.


"The Simpsons: The DeBarted (#19.13)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: [making Skinner dance with magnets] This almost makes me want to learn how magnets work.

Groundskeeper Willie: I have some information for you, but it's gonna be hard to hear.
Bart Simpson: Why, because of your stupid accent?
Groundskeeper Willie: Ach, nay! Because of it's upsetting nature.

Bart Simpson: I've had this planned for a long time. We're gonna egg Skinner's house.
Nelson Muntz: We've already egged his car, his house, and his father's grave. How is this gonna be any different?
Bart Simpson: Because we're using an ostrich egg.
[all gasp]
Bart Simpson: Usually you can't get them unless you buy an ostrich and wait.
Donny: How much of it is yolk?
Bart Simpson: The whole thing!
Nelson Muntz, Donny: Ooooh!
Nelson Muntz: Hard to believe this came out of some animal's butt. It's beautiful in it's own way.

Bart Simpson: You were tired of being under my shadow.
Milhouse: No, I'm not! I like being under your shadow! It's nice and cool!

Skinner: Where do you think you're going?
Bart Simpson: Go back to your knitting, Seymour.
Skinner: I will, but not because you told me to.


"The Simpsons: Black Widower (#3.21)" (1992)
Bart: Bart no like. Bad medicine.

Marge: Now, I know you're all excited about meeting Aunt Selman's new boyfriend...
[Homer blows air through his lips]
Patty: But before he gets here there's something you should know about him... Something *disturbing*.
[Homer, Lisa and Bart all have thoughts in their heads about what Selma's new boyfriend is like]
Patty: You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone. So in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird.
Bart: Cool, he can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray.
Marge: Now, now he's an *ex*-convict. He's paid his debt to society.
Patty: Then how come you're not using the good silverware?
Marge: I'm just not.

[watching TV, Bart suddenly realizes Bob's plan]
Bart: [shoots to his feet] Aunt Selma has one hour to live!
Homer Simpson: Hey, down in front.

Bart: After trying four times to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom, and we were on our way!

[Hearing about Bob's fantasies of murdering him]
Bart: Aye caramba!
Sideshow Bob: Bart, if I'd wanted to kill you, I'd have choked you like a chicken the moment I walked through that door...
[Everyone gasps]
Sideshow Bob: ...but then, what kind of guest would I have been?
[laughs]


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVII (#18.4)" (2006)
Bart Simpson: This Krusty-brand-alarm-clock sprays acid in your face.
[Uses it on Milhouse]
Milhouse Van Houten: Ouww! You already showed me before!

Bart Simpson: Dad, you're eating Dr. Phil.
Homer Simpson: It's amazing; he tastes just like Jeffrey Tambor.

Lisa Simpson: Bart did your mystical Jewish monster beat up those bullies?
Bart Simpson: Oh, it's always the Jew's fault!

Bart Simpson: Finally, someone who will do everything I say.
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, Bart. I shaved my head just like you told me.
Bart Simpson: Go away.
Milhouse Van Houten: Yes, Master.

Bart Simpson: [Golem kicks a hole in Bart's bedroom wall] Can't you read my writing? I didn't say "Kick Homer's walls".
Homer Simpson: [Homer walks into the bedroom] Bart -
[Golem kicks Homer in the crotch]
Homer Simpson: Ooop!
Bart Simpson: That's more like it.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Rival (#6.2)" (1994)
Bart Simpson: [in small tape recorder] Note for later. Put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.
[laughs at that, clicks tape player off and then hesitates a few seconds, and then turns the recorder back on to laugh a few more times]

Bart Simpson: I couldn't find much on our rivalry, but I did manage to get Millhouse on America's Most Wanted.
Agent 1#: [driving toward school sees Millhouse playing on monkey bars] There he is on the monkey bars. Try to take him out alive.
[the other FBI guy jams the gas pedal down and heads right towards the monkey bars. Many other children stat to flee while screaming]
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh no! Not again.
[jumps off just in time as the car smashes into them, causing them to break into a dozen parts]

Bart: Lis, can you keep it down? I'm in the middle of a crank call here.
Principal Skinner: [on phone] Actually, my refrigerator *wasn't* running. You've saved me quite a bit of spoilage. Thank you, anonymous young man.

Bart: [after her diorama blows out the window, Lisa is sure she will lose to Alison unless she does something. Consoling her, Bart draws up a plan] Tomorrow morning when Alison steps out of her house, we spray her with the hose, soaking her head to foot, well leaving us relatively dry.
Lisa: Relatively?
Bart: Well, there's bound to be some splash back.
Lisa: Bart, her being wet isn't going to help me win the contest!
Bart: [slyly] Well, we could sabotage her diorama, making her look bad in front of the entire school.
Lisa: [positively gleeful] Perfect!
Bart: And leaving her with the most dramatic soaking of her life!
Lisa: Enough with the hose!

Lisa: [Lisa turns a fan on to demonstrate a snow storm over her complete diarama. It promptly tilts, then blows out the window] Is it okay?
Bart Simpson: [looks out the window, then turns back to Lisa] The important thing is that we survived.


The Simpsons: Road Rage (2001) (VG)
Reverend Lovejoy: Oh good lord it's the demon child!
Bart Simpson: [evil voice] Hi Reverend.

Homer Simpson: Boy, remember what daddy told you about being responsible and showing up for work on time? Well it's all a lie.
Bart Simpson: Homer, that's America to me.

Bart Simpson: Krusty! What's up with Springfield's greatest entertainer?
Krusty the Clown: Plenty, thanks to Viagra!

Bart Simpson: Ice cream shop please! I need some butter brickle to take the edge off.

Bart Simpson: Grandpa, they let you out?
Abraham Simpson: I left a mannequin in my bed!


"The Simpsons: Brawl in the Family (#13.7)" (2002)
[playing Monopoly]
Lisa Simpson: These hotels are made of LEGOs. Bart, you're cheating!
Marge Simpson: Lisa, it was probably an accident.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, sure. You take his side, just because he bought you that house on St. James Place.
Bart Simpson: Who else is going to take care of her? Dad?
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[Homer starts strangling Bart]
Marge Simpson: Stop fighting!
[Marge starts strangling Homer]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, that's not how you pry them apart.
[Lisa grabs Bart's arm and tries to pull him away from Homer]
Marge Simpson: I've been prying them apart since before you were born!

Gabriel: So, this is your room?
Lisa: Yes. My room is my sanctuary. My family members know that and respect that.
Bart: [runs in] Lisa, I got sprayed by a skunk. Let me rub it off on your sweaters.
Lisa: [takes out stress ball and starts squeezing it] Just ten more years, just ten more years, just ten more years...

Gabriel: I brought you out here to shake off your negative behavior patterns. Marge, you medicate your family with food. Bart, you'll do anything for attention. Cut that out!
Bart Simpson: [with a beard of bees] They chose me.

Marge Simpson: Bart, I know this sounds crazy, but do you think you can drive a car?
Bart Simpson: Okay, but it's my first time.
Marge Simpson: Here's the keys.
Bart Simpson: I got a set.

Amber: You know, I bet you and me could be friends. I could show you how to put on makeup!
Lisa Simpson: I'm eight years old!
Amber: You could look seven. And I could teach you to count cards!
Bart: Meh, I already got a system.


"The Simpsons: 24 Minutes (#18.21)" (2007)
Jack Bauer: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
Bart Simpson: [thinks of the perfect prank call] I'm, um, Ahmed Adoudi.
Jack Bauer: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoudi. Does somebody know Ahmed Adoudi?
Chloe O'Brian: Ahmed Adoudi: wealthy Saudi financier, disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.
Jack Bauer: Really?
Chloe O'Brian: No, Jack! It's a joke name! You're being set up.
Jack Bauer: Damn it!
[he shoots with his gun and Bart laughs hard]

[Bart notices Ralph in the glass case and calls someone on his phone]
Bart Simpson: I got a man down. Well, not a man. A very special boy.

[last lines]
[Jack Bauer comes in by dropping in from an air vent]
Jack Bauer: [in megaphone] Good work, Lisa!
Bart Simpson: What about me?
Jack Bauer: [points gun at Bart] Bart Simpson, twelve minutes ago, you made an annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in!
[a bunch of units move into the gym and they all point guns at Bart, but Bauer puts his away]
Jack Bauer: I pulled ever single field agent off all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision, but I think I made the right call.
[big explosion happens in the distance, and the crowd gasps]
Jack Bauer: It's okay. That was Shelbyville.
[everyone sighs with relief]

Bart Simpson: Lisa, are you on a secure line?
Lisa Simpson: I am. You're on a blue tooth cell wire, the most vulnerable device known to man.
Bart Simpson: But it looks so cool!

Bart Simpson: Jimbo has a stink bomb in his house, but I need to intercept it fast. Send me some schematics.
Lisa Simpson: Jimbo made a couble of drawings of his house in the second grade, but I can't vouch for their accuracy. The teacher gave them a frowny face.


"The Simpsons: Brother's Little Helper (#11.2)" (1999)
Principal Skinner: I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son
Marge Simpson: [gasps]
Principal Skinner: Unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous...
Homer Simpson: Candy bar?
Principal Skinner: No. It's a new drug called Focusyn.
Marge Simpson: A drug? I know Bart can be rambunctious, but he's not some hyperactive monster.
[Bart appears outside the window, dressed as a cheerleader]
Bart Simpson: Gimme an F! Gimme an art!
Principal Skinner: Good Lord! He's gotten into the pep closet!
Homer Simpson: I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.

Bart Simpson: I don't wanna take drugs.
Homer Simpson: Sure you do. All your favorite stars have used drugs. Brett Butler, Tim Allen...
Marge Simpson: Tommy Lee...
Homer Simpson: Andy Dick...
Bart Simpson: He's just flamboyant.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, and I'm a size four.

Marge Simpson: Hmm?
[reads a note taped to her chair]
Marge Simpson: "Thank you in advance for a world class meal. You're an inspiration to our entire organization. Thank you again, Bart." Oh, what a thoughtful gesture.
Bart Simpson: Cost of paper: five cents. A mother's love: priceless.
Marge Simpson: Aw.
Homer Simpson: Do I get a card?
Bart Simpson: No, but here's a book called "Chicken Soup for the Loser" that gave Bill Bruckner the courage to open a chain of laundromats.
Homer Simpson: Hmmm... my career has kind of lost momentum.

Bart Simpson: Joke if you will, but did you know most people use ten per cent of their brains? I am now one of them. Before, my energy was all over the place. Now, it's concentrated like a laser beam. Well, this has been terrific. Let's do it again sometime.
Lisa Simpson: Are you standing up to get me to leave?
Bart Simpson: It's from the book.
Lisa Simpson: [scans the book, "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pre-Teens"] Hey! I'm not a Time Burglar!
Bart Simpson: [opens electronic organizer, types as he speaks] Memo to self: Lock door.
Lisa Simpson: All right, I'll go! You don't have to be a jerk about it.
Bart Simpson: [typing again] Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa.

Bart: Here Homer I got you this book "Chicken Soup for the Loser".
Homer: Hmmm is it any good?
Bart: I don't know but it inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of Laundromats.


"The Simpsons: The Greatest Story Ever D'ohed (#21.16)" (2010)
Ned Flanders: Homer, our Bible study group is going to the Holy Land. I would like to invite you and your family to come as my guests.
Homer Simpson: Let's see: go to a war zone with a busload of religious lame-os, in a country with no pork and a desert with no casinos. Where do I sign up?
Marge Simpson: Homer, I can hear your sarcasm from inside the house, and the dishwasher is on. What's going on?
Lisa Simpson: Mr. Flanders is inviting us to Israel. I think he's trying to get dad into Heaven.
Bart Simpson: Great, more Hell for me.

Bart Simpson: [Reading prayers from the Wailing Wall] Sad. Sad. Sad. Not gonna happen. Sad. Sad. Maybe if you're Brad Pitt.
Homer Simpson: What are you doing, boy?
Bart Simpson: Reading prayers and ignoring them, just like God.

Dr. Hibbert: Marge, I'm afraid your husband has what is known as Jerusalem Syndrome.
Lisa Simpson: Ah, yes. Jerusalem Syndrome. A delusion or psychosis of a religious nature while visiting Jerusalem.
Bart Simpson: Have you ever noticed that dad always gets the diseases they write about in the in-flight magazine?

Bart Simpson: Stop going for my groin!
Doreet: No groin, no krav maga.

Bart Simpson: I want the window seat.
Lisa Simpson: Krav maga!
Bart Simpson: You can't kill what's already dead.
[Lisa kicks him in groin]
Bart Simpson: I was wrong!


"The Simpsons: And Maggie Makes Three (#6.13)" (1995)
Homer: So many memories... Ah, look, "Night Boat"
Bart: Aw...
Bart: Look, you can see our mirror to it.
Homer: It looks like we have two.

Marge Simpson: You promised one hour of family time per week. Besides, that back-talking boat sets a bad example.
Bart: Says you, woman.

Bart: Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl?
Homer: Oh, just that one time.
Marge Simpson: Actually, when I was about to have Bart...
[cut to Marge telling Homer]
Homer: You're pregnant?
[shrieks, points at Marge's stomach, rips out most of his hair, and runs up to the bedroom, still shreiking]
Marge Simpson: And then, when I told him about Lisa...
[cut to Marge telling Homer with Bart watching]
Homer: You're pregnant again?
[repeats the act, except ripping all of his hair out before running upstairs]

Homer: Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya!
[He lets out a scream as his head swells like a balloon and then pops. Cut to the present]
Marge Simpson: Bart, let your father tell the story!
Homer: Yeah!
Bart: Okay, but I know funny.

Michael: Faster, Knight Boat! We've gotta catch those starfish poachers!
Knight Boat: You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you.
[the poachers leap off their jetskis and onto motorcycles]
Michael: We'll never catch them now!
Knight Boat: Incorrect. Look: a canal.
Homer: Go, Knight Boat, go!
Bart: [groans] Oh, every week there's a canal.
Lisa Simpson: Or an inlet.
Bart: Or a fjord.
Homer: Quiet! I will not hear another word against the Boat.


The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
Moe Szyslak: Sorry Bart, I can't sell booze to a minor, it ain't right.
Bart Simpson: I'm here about fireworks.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, hell yeah!

Bart Simpson: Ralph, word in the hood is that you have access to your dad's fireworks stash.
Ralph Wiggum: Fireworks make my ears yell!
Bart Simpson: Here's some gumdrops, now make with the works!
Ralph Wiggum: My daddy's gonna put you in jail.

Comic Book Guy: I have no time to converse with you, I must be first to register my disgust on the internet regarding the new McBain film. The action was dismal and the nudity was frustratingly fleeting. I barely got going.
Bart Simpson: Quick, to the Fatmobile!
[laughs]
Comic Book Guy: Yes, I suppose. But must we call it that?

Bart Simpson: Lousy laws of physics!

Bart Simpson: [after crashing and wrecking] Lisa did it!


"The Simpsons: Homerpalooza (#7.24)" (1996)
[At a Cypress Hill Concert]
Bart: What's that smell?
Lisa: It smells like Otto's jacket.

Bart: Making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Bart: Do you wear boxers or briefs?
Homer: [checking] Nope.
Bart: What religion are you?
Homer: You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life. Uh... Christianity.

[Bachman Turner Overdrive is playing at a county fair]
Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: It's BTO. They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB.
[Bart stares at Homer]
Homer: That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.

Bart: I wanna buy a copy of 'Bonestorm', here's ninety-nine cents.
Comic Book Store Guy: Huhhh, allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase 'Bonestorm'for ninety-nine cents, net profit to me: negative fifty-nine dollars.
[opens cash register]
Comic Book Store Guy: Oh! Oh, please take my fifty-nine dollars, I don't want it, it's yours!
[Bart reaches for the cash]
Comic Book Store Guy: Eh-eh-eh! Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point.


"The Simpsons: The Daughter Also Rises (#23.13)" (2012)
Milhouse: How come you get so many valentines? All I got were from my mom and my optometrist.
Bart Simpson: That's a bill.
Milhouse: No, it's not! It has a heart stamp.

Bart Simpson: Why would a dude do everything a dame wants on Valentines Day?
Homer Simpson: It's a trade-off. We do whatever women want on Valentines Day, and they let us blow stuff up on the Fourth of July. I just hope the two don't fall on the same day.

Bart Simpson: According to the wisdom of our elders, if you ride the swing the whole way around, your body will turn inside out.
Milhouse: At last, my beauty will be on the outside!

Bart Simpson: I don't want to be the guy who killed everyone's fun. That's Skinner's job.
Principal Skinner: Don't look at me. I didn't kill everyone's fun, fun killer.

Marge Simpson: It's a beautiful day outside. No more watching TV.
Bart Simpson: Little does she know that our viewing platforms are multi.


"The Simpsons: I Am Furious Yellow (#13.18)" (2002)
[At the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant where Angry Dad Works]
Homer: Boy, this job sure is easy. Now to press this button.
[Homer presses a red button and the cooling towers explode in a mushroom cloud]
Homer: [Rageful] Not *again*!
Bart Simpson: [Voicing the cartoon Mr.Burns with a deeper voice] Angry Dad, you're fired.
[Angry Dad's head explodes in a mushroom cloud and Bart and Millhouse laugh]

Homer: Oh, what a day. Maybe the headlines will cheer me up.
[the headline says "You suck, Angry Dad"]
Homer: That's opinion, not news!
[His head inflates and his eyeballs explode]
Homer: [laughing] That guy's hilarious. I especially like his white shirt and blue pants. Wait a minute... Angry Dad is ME!
Lenny Leonard: Yeah, didn't you know? You've been world famous for an hour now.
Carl Carlson: You're the Internet's #1 non-porno site.
Lenny Leonard: Which makes you ten trillionth overall.
Homer: What kind of a monster would humiliate me like this?
[Cartoon Bart spray paints a logo on Angry Dad's back]
Bart Simpson: This has been a Bartoon presentation, in association with Ay Carumba Entertainment.
[Angry Dad turns around and growls]

Bart Simpson: Stan Lee came back?
Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition.

[Homer is strangling Bart because he made a popular cartoon based on him]
Bart: [chokes] There's going to be a movie about you.
Homer: [stops choking Bart] Who's going to play me?
Bart: John Goodman.
Homer: [continues choking Bart] Isn't it obvious it should be Gary Oldman?

Bart: Stan Lee came back?
Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I'm afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.


"The Simpsons: There's No Disgrace Like Home (#1.4)" (1990)
Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I'm picking respect.

Bart: Make yourselves at home. Hear that Dad - you can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.

[Greeting the Simpsons at the company picnic, Burns reads from a card]
Mr. Burns: And this must be, uh... Brat.
Bart: Bart.
Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat.

Dr. Marvin Monroe: You are wired into the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock...
[buzz]
Homer: AH!
Bart: Just testing.

Bart: Hey, check out this house! It's a dump!
Homer: [chuckles] Yeah, and can you believe I stepped on the owner's garden bushes!
Marge: Homer, this is our house!
Homer: D'oh!


"The Simpsons: The Crepes of Wrath (#1.11)" (1990)
[while cleaning his room, a box rattles]
Bart Simpson: Hello... what have we here?
[opens the box]
Bart Simpson: [gasp] A cherry bomb! I thought I blew all you guys up!

Bart Simpson: Ah, the life of a frog. That's the life for me.

[Bart has found a cherry bomb]
Milhouse Van Houten: So you're gonna flush it?
Bart Simpson: What can I say? I got a weakness for the classics.

Bart Simpson: So, basically I met one nice French person.

Marge Simpson: Homer, I'd love a glass of that wine Bart brought us.
Homer Simpson: [grunting] Sorry, Marge. Some wiseguy stuck a cork in the bottle.
Bart Simpson: Oh, mon pere. Quel boufou!
[translated, "My father. What a buffoon!"]
Homer Simpson: You hear that, Marge? My boy speaks French!


"The Simpsons: Two Dozen and One Greyhounds (#6.20)" (1995)
Smithers: Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but not completely full, for you see... /
[singing]
Mr. Burns: Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for, is an outfit that looks good... / See... my... Vest. See my vest. / Made from real gorilla chest. / See this sweater, there's no better, than authentic Irish Setter. / See this hat? 'Twas my cat, / My evening wear vampire bat. / These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino. / Grizzly bear underwear, / Turtle's necks I've got my share. / Beret of Poodle on my noodle I shall rest. / Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two. / See my vest. See my vest. See my vest. / Like my loafers? Former gophers, / It was that or skin my chauffeurs / but a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best. / So let's prepare these dogs...
Mrs. Potts: Kill two for matching clogs.
Mr. Burns: See my vest, see my vest, oh please won't you see... my... Vest! I really like the vest.
Smithers: I gathered, yeah...
Lisa: He's gonna make a tuxedo out of our puppies!
Bart: [still humming the tune] Na na na na na na naa naaaa...
Lisa: Bart!
Bart: Sorry... You gotta admit it's catchy.

Lisa: What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog?
Bart: It looks like he's trying to jump over her but can't quite make it. Come on, boy! You can do it!

[a wild Santa's Little Helper digs up a dozen holes in the backyard]
Lisa: [gasp] My bongo drums!
Bart: My strobe light!
Homer Simpson: My "Best of Ray Stevens - featuring the 'Streak' - Album"! So it was the dog who buried all our stuff!
Marge Simpson: Yes... the dog.

Bart: Hey, boy, you want to play fetch?
[Santa's Little Helper looks up, tired, then puts his head back down]
Bart: Aw. Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team, but he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in.
Marge Simpson: Bart, don't ever say that word again!
Bart: Well, that's what she is. I looked it up.
Marge Simpson: Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me...

Bart: An army of dogs! No bully will ever touch me again!
[calls outside to Jimbo]
Bart: Hey, Jerkface! You have the face of a jerk!
Jimbo Jones: [grabs Bart] All right, Simpson, you asked for-!
Bart: Get him, boys!
[the dogs whimper and fall asleep]
Bart: [chuckles nervously] Uh, say, Jimbo, hope I wasn't out of line with that "Jerkface" crack...
[Jimbo punches him in the stomach and leaves]


"The Simpsons: Mom and Pop Art (#10.19)" (1999)
Homer: Astrid said the key to my art is anger, but you know me, I'm Mr. Mellow...
[Bart and Lisa look at each other]
Homer: ...so I'm giving you kids permission to get me mad. Come on, give me what you've got.
Lisa Simpson: Well, if it'll help... um, mom found out her engagement ring is made of rock candy.
Homer: [hits clay mold] Good work honey, keep it comin.'
Bart Simpson: Well I'm flunking math, and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.
[Homer screams hysterically]

Homer: How about it Bart, would you like a new backyard BBQ pit?
Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer: We can *all* burn evidence in it.

[Homer floods the town as an art project]
Bart Simpson: Are you sure this is art, not vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide, son.

Bart: Dad, is this art or is it vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide.


"The Simpsons: You Only Move Twice (#8.2)" (1996)
Bart: So, what you in here for?
Gordy: I moved here from Canada and they think I'm slow, eh.
Dot: I fell off the jungle gym and when I woke up I was in here.
Warren: I start fires!

Bart: Let me get this straight: we're behind the rest of our class and we're going to catch up to them by going slower than they are? Coo Coo!
[rest of the class starts mindlessly chanting "Coo coo!", forcing the teacher to individually snap them out of it]

Homer: [gasps] Tom Landry's hat, and it's autographed. "To Berman's Dry Cleaning. Best wishes, Tom Landry."
Bart: Why don't you buy it?
Homer: I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that.
[gasps]
Homer: Guys like me! I'm a guy like me!

4th Grade Teacher: [On Bart's first day in his new school the teacher discovers he can't read cursive handwriting] So, you never learned cursive?
Bart: Well, I know "hell" and "damn" and "get ben..."
4th Grade Teacher: No, no! Cursive handwriting! Script! Do you know multiplication tables? Long division?
Bart: I know *of* them.
4th Grade Teacher: [Unimpressed] Hmm.


"The Simpsons: The Telltale Head (#1.8)" (1990)
Bart: Uh, ma'am, what if you're a really good person but you're in a really, really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?
Sunday School Teacher: For the last time, Bart, yes!

Bart: I was wondering, how important is it to be popular?
Homer Simpson: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.
Bart: So like, sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?
Homer Simpson: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?

Barney: How long is this going to take?
Bart: About twenty-two minutes and five seconds.
[the average length of an episode without the commercials]

Bart: It's just a statue.
Marge Simpson: It's the statue of the trailblazing founder of our town!
Lisa Simpson: It's a symbol of what we can all do if we put our minds to it!
Homer Simpson: Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?


"The Simpsons: Angry Dad: The Movie (#22.14)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: That's Angry Dad, the semi-autobiographical web cartoon I created.
Homer Simpson: I legally forced him to say "semi".

Lisa Simpson: Your film's not all bad. If you cut out the parts that don't work, it could make a great short film.
Bart Simpson: A short film?
Lisa Simpson: Many directors, like Wes Anderson, Frank Tashlin and Tim Burton, started out with short films.
Bart Simpson: Name one more.
Lisa Simpson: Taylor Hackford.
Bart Simpson: I don't know who that is, but I'm convinced!

Bart Simpson: This is insane! He didn't show up for work, he bad-mouthed the movie on Jimmy Fallon, and now he's hogging all the credit.
Marge Simpson: Don't worry, sweetie. It's the begining of a ridiculously long series of awards shows. You'll have your chance to say crazy things.

Bart Simpson: Angry Dad is nominated for an Oscar for Best Animated Short? I'm going to the Oscars! Not as a seat filler! I'm getting a gift basket! And I won't declare it!
Homer Simpson: Bart! It's the middle of Awards season. Who the hell is calling you at three in the morning?
Bart Simpson: Uh, no one. Wrong number.
Homer Simpson: If I find out it's the right number, you're in big trouble.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIII (#24.2)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: Mom married Artie Ziff?
Artie Ziff: Indeed, and that makes you Bartie Ziff.
Bart Simpson: [Takes off hat, revealing curly hair] Oy caramba!

Homer Simpson: If anyone finds this footage after we're dead or missing, remember me as a hero.
Bart Simpson: Dad, you forgot to pick me up from little league!
Lisa Simpson: You threw your car keys in my bean plant!
Homer Simpson: A hero!
Ned Flanders: Homer, is that my camera?
Homer Simpson: Hero away!

Bart Simpson: Now to go back to the future, where I'm either rich or allowed to stand in front of a rich man's house. Either way, it's better than here.

Bart Simpson: Hey, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Who are you?
Bart Simpson: I'm your unwanted son from the future who kills all your fun.
Homer Simpson: Why you little!...
[Chokes Bart]


"The Simpsons: Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy (#5.14)" (1994)
[while making the doll for Lisa]
Lisa: Don't forget to get my mom's hair just right.
Stacy Lavelle: I think we'll use someone else for the hair.
Lisa: [pointing to her head] How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: Well...
Bart Simpson: [pointing to his head] How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: Oh...
Homer Simpson: [pointing to his head] How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: YOU ALL HAVE HIDEOUS HAIR!
[everyone gasps]
Stacy Lavelle: I mean from a design point of view.
[everyone approves in agreement]

Lisa: They cannot keep making dolls like this! Something has to be done!
Marge: [after a long pause] Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in. But you've been doing that an awful lot lately!
Bart Simpson: Yeah! You made us march in that gay rights parade!
Homer Simpson: And we can't watch Fox because they own those chemical weapons factories in Syria.

Lisa: Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act.
[Breathlessly]
Lisa: That they can never be anything more than vacuous ninnies, whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends, talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!
Bart Simpson: Just what I was gonna say.
Lisa: [Screams and throws the doll out the window]

Marge: Lisa, normally, I would say that you should stand up for what you believe in, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately...
Bart: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we can't watch Fox because they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria.


"The Simpsons: Beware My Cheating Bart (#23.18)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: Listen, sister! You do not mess with the man in the skull t-shirt.
Shauna: Jimbo doesn't care about me. He doesn't even notice my side braid.
Bart Simpson: It looks cool, like two snakes trying to kill each other.
Shauna: That's what I was going for. For a third grader, you're pretty sharp.
Bart Simpson: Actually, I'm fourth grade, but I read at a third grade level. They say I might have problems.

Shauna: I have something to give you.
Bart Simpson: What can a girl possibly give...
[Shauna flashes him]
Bart Simpson: [Thinking] Oh, my God! They're just like dad's!

Shauna: I want to discover who I really am, and that is something only an inappropiately older man can give me.
Bart Simpson: That is one lucky creepy guy.

Bart Simpson: [Jimbo holds him by the ankles] It's okay, dad. He's just putting the fear of God in me.
Homer Simpson: Carry on.
Jimbo Jones: You have a nice evening, sir.


"The Simpsons: The Food Wife (#23.5)" (2011)
[first lines]
Marge Simpson: And here's a marble for Lisa for cleaning her room. And a marble for Bart for not trashing Lisa's room. The jars are full! So, you've earned your Saturday Surprise Dad Day!
Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Yay!
Homer Simpson: This Saturday, from the dad who brought you cemetery paintball, and go-karts on real roads, comes the greatest activity yet...
Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Video game convention!

Homer Simpson: And check these out.
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: VIP passes!
Homer Simpson: Is there any better feeling than cutting in line because a plastic badge says you're special?

Lisa Simpson: They're using pancakes as spoons.
Bart Simpson: Let's see what else they do wrong.

Bart Simpson: Come on, dad, be a foodie. You're already a fatty and a drunky.


"The Simpsons: Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo (#10.23)" (1999)
Lisa Simpson: Hey look. There's a cybor cafe opening right here in Springfield. Will you take me dad? Please! I'll show you how to order pizza over the internet.
Homer Simpson: The internet? Is that thing still around?
Bart Simpson: I know a website that shows monkeys doing it.
Lisa Simpson: Bart, the internet is more than a global pornography network, it's a...
[Homer honks his car horn]
Homer Simpson: Come on Lisa, monkeys!
[Lisa groans]

Homer Simpson: Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket.
Bart Simpson: And?
Homer Simpson: Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

Japanese Stewardess: [Seeing Bart playing his Game Boy] I'm sorry, you should not have on any electronic devices.
Bart Simpson: You're the boss.
[Bart turns off his Game Boy, then the plane takes a nose dive]
Japanese Stewardess: [Frantically] Turn it back on, turn it back on!

Marge: Every truckload of fish we gut brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home.
Bart: And I think I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do
[guts some fishes]
Bart: knife goes in, guts come out, knife goes in, guts come out
[pulls out a talking fish]
Fish: Spare my life and I will grant you three...
Bart: [guts the talking fish] Knife goes in, guts come out.


"The Simpsons: Homer Goes to Prep School (#24.9)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: Smart Tykes? You promised us we were going somewhere fun!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, you promised, mom!
Marge Simpson: I keep telling you stop calling me Mom.
Homer Simpson: Yes, Mrs. Simpson.

Homer Simpson: Well, what have we learned from our post-apocalyptic movie marathon?
Bart Simpson: People named Preacher or Deacon are very bad; water is money, unless gasoline is money; and although there are a lot of sharp objects around, nobody ever shaves.
Homer Simpson: Hollywood has taught you well, my son.

Bart Simpson: What are we coing to do now? We've been here five minutes and I'm already bored.
Homer Simpson: Why don't you write down the names of all the celebrities rumored to be gay for future generations?
Bart Simpson: Yes, sir!
Homer Simpson: Society won't have to begin from square one.

Bart Simpson: Hey, dad. What would you do if you got my ear in the mail?
Homer Simpson: I dunno. Feed it to the dog?
Bart Simpson: You'll have to wrap it in cheese first.
Homer Simpson: Don't tell me how to feed you to the dog!


"The Simpsons: 500 Keys (#22.21)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: Time to get my mischief on. Let's start with a little federal crime.

Bart Simpson: Maybe this key will be the key to putting the key in anarchy.

Bart Simpson: I don't get it. I tried to do bad, but I ended up doing good.
Reverend Lovejoy: Haw, haw!

Bart Simpson: [after Lisa and Homer fall of the Duff blimp] There's nothing I can do to save my sister, the blimp, or this airship.


"The Simpsons: Bart of Darkness (#6.1)" (1994)
Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...
Lisa, Bart: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Marge: I wish you'd stop spreading bad rumors about people! Remember when you got Grampa tarred and feathered?
Bart: Sure. That was 20 minutes ago.
Grampa: Gonna be in the tub for a while...

Bart: Listen, Ned Flanders murdered his wife.
Homer: But why? She's such a fox.
[off Marge's glare]
Homer: I mean, what's on FOX tonight? Something ribald, no doubt.

Bart: [the night after Bart hears a woman scream from Flanders's house, Bart sees Flanders digging a hole in his backyard]
Bart: This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation!
Ned Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer!
Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.
Ned Flanders: I'm a mur-diddly-urdler!
Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.


"The Simpsons: The Scorpion's Tale (#22.15)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: [Looking inside an abandoned mine] The legends are true!
Milhouse Van Houten: Did you find gold?
Bart Simpson: Better! The prospectors left naughty French postcards. Ooh-la-la!
Nelson Muntz: That's fool's porn. I'll take them off your hands for ya.
[Takes cards and goes behind a cactus]
Nelson Muntz: Ce si bon! Si bon! Si bon! And... remorse.

Grampa Simpson: Here, go buy yourself some rock and roll records.
Bart Simpson: To the antique store!

Homer Simpson: Thanks for giving us a tour of your factory, Mr. Wonka.
Walter Hottenhoffer: I am not Willie Wonka.
Bart Simpson: No, you're Augustus Gloop, the fat German kid.
Walter Hottenhoffer: Yes, it's true. I am Gloop. Being stuck in that tube changed me in so many ways.

Bart Simpson: This is great. It's like we have our own monster.
Homer Simpson: Grampa is not a monster. Now let's take him down to the basement and chain him.
Grampa Simpson: Sounds fine to me.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror I (#2.3)" (1990)
Narrator: Quoth the raven...
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Homer: D'oh!

The House: They are all against you Bart, you must kill them all, they all must die!
Bart: Are you my conscience?
The House: Um... I, Yes I am

Lisa Simpson: [about the basement of the house] Mom, dad, look! It's an ancient Indian burial ground.
Bart: Man, this place's got everything!

The House: Hmm. Life with the Simpsons. What choice do I have?
[the house implodes in on itself]
Bart: Bitchin!
Lisa Simpson: It chose to destroy itself rather then live with us. You can't help feeling a little rejected.


"The Simpsons: Pay Pal (#25.21)" (2014)
Marge Simpson: Why can't you just watch Captain Kangaroo?
Bart Simpson: Culture's in decline. Deal with it.

Marge Simpson: Lisa's okay with not having friends? That's the saddest thing a daughter could say to her mother.
Bart Simpson: I can think of something sadder. The saddest thing would be if Mom and Lisa were texting while driving and Mom hit Lisa, and Lisa's last text was "I got the message." Good night.

Bart Simpson: No one likes vegetable shakes that much, or at all. Something's up with that girl, and I'm gonna follow her until I find out what.
Milhouse: And I'll be right along with you.
Bart Simpson: I'm gonna need you back at headquarters to man the phones.
Milhouse: What do I say?
Bart Simpson: Just let them ring.
Milhouse: Sure thing.

Lisa Simpson: Happy Mothers Day!
Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson: Mothers Day?
Homer Simpson: Crap!
[both run out the door]


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIX (#20.4)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: [Shopping for Lisa] I wouldn't give these to my worst enemy, which happens to be Lisa.

Bart Simpson: Hey, Lis. I think I see one with your name on it.
Lisa Simpson: Well, it can't possibly top your present last year: a box full of your burps.
Bart Simpson: Oh, that reminds me. Here's your stocking stuffer.
[Burps into Lisa's stocking]

Bart Simpson: [Watching two robots fight each other] Finally, a Boxing Day that lives up to its name.

Milhouse: Every Halloween, the Grand Pumpkin rises from the pumpkin patch to give candy to all the good boys and girls.
Bart Simpson: For the last time, Milhouse, I just said that to mess with you. The Grand Pumpkin isn't real!
Milhouse: I apreciate you testing my faith, but it's not necessary.


"The Simpsons: The PTA Disbands (#6.21)" (1995)
Bart: Uh, I think I got your lunch.
[He hands Lisa a note from his lunch bag: "I Am Very Proud Of You. Love, Mom."]
Lisa: Oh yeah, I didn't think this was for me.
[She hands Bart a note from her lunch bag: "Be Good. For The Love Of God, *Please* Be Good."]

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.
Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
[Looks out window]
Bart: [creepily] Hello, mother dear.
Marge: That's it, we have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here.
[Lisa walks in]
Homer: In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Bart: Yeah Seymour said you'd fold faster than superman on laundry day.

Homer: How was everyone's day at school?
Bart: Horrible.
Lisa: Pointless.
Marge: Exhausting. It took the class 40 minutes to locate Canada on a map.
Homer: Oh, honey, anyone could miss Canada. All tucked way down there.


"The Simpsons: The War of the Simpsons (#2.20)" (1991)
Homer: Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Homer: Aww.

[Marge and Homer have an argument in the car. Marge turns on the radio]
Marge: When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting!
[Bart, Lisa and Maggie watch from the house]
Bart: They're fighting in the car again.
Lisa Simpson: That music always sends a chill down my spine.

Lisa Simpson: Bart, Grampa is a kindly old man who trusts us. Are you sure its right to take advantage of him?
Bart: Lis, in these crazy, topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or wrong. Right now, my gut is telling me: "bleed Gramps dry."

Bart: Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I've never had before.
Lisa Simpson: It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepresible youth.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Substitute (#2.19)" (1991)
Bart: [on Lisa] I knew someone was gonna say it, but I can't believe it was her.
Homer: Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

[for Show-and-Tell, Bart shows a videotape, titled, 'How Kittens are Born: The UGLY story']
Bart: Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in.

[despite Bart's runaway popularity during the presidential campaign, he loses the election because only two kids bother to vote]
Bart: I demand a recount!
Edna Krabappel: [empties the box] One for Martin. Two for Martin. Would you like another recount?
Bart: No.
Edna Krabappel: Well, I just want to make sure. One for Martin, two for Martin.

Bart: [after Lisa calls Homer a baboon] Somebody was bound to say it someday, I just can't believe it was her!


"The Simpsons: Missionary: Impossible (#11.15)" (2000)
Bart: Dad, are you licking toads?
Homer: I'm not NOT licking toads.

Bart Simpson: YOU'RE watching PBS?
Homer: I'm as surprised as you.

Mr. Burns: Simpson. I've been reviewing your performance record, and it is appalling. It says here that you caused 17 meltdowns.
Bart: I'm not Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: I know who Homer Simpson is. Not only that, but you also sold plutonium to the Iraqis... with no mark-up.

[Phone rings]
Rupert Murdoch: Hello, Murdoch here... 10,000 dollars? You've saved my network.
Bart: Wouldn't be the first time.


"The Simpsons: Das Bus (#9.14)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: And every night the monkey butlers will regale us with jungle stories.
Nelson: How many monkey butlers will there be?
Bart Simpson: One at first, but he'll train others.

Principal Skinner: Okay, delegates, you leave tomorrow for the statewide Model U.N., so this is our last chance to bone up. And bone we will!
[all the kids, except Lisa, laugh]
Bart Simpson: Lighten up, Lise.
Principal Skinner: Finland, let's see that native dance.
[Martin gets up and begins dancing]
Principal Skinner: Smile more. Work that pelvis. No, too much smile. Sit down.
[Martin sits down]
Principal Skinner: Poland, tell us about your nation's achievements
Milhouse Van Houten: Well, uh, I heard they sent a rocket to the sun once... at night! And there was that submarine, with the screen doors...
Principal Skinner: No, no, no, no, no. Young man, you need to do some serious boning!
[only Lisa laughs]
Bart Simpson: Oh, grow up, Lise.

[Bart has just described the island paradise he envisages]
Nelson: How many monkey butlers will there be?
Bart: One at first. But he'll train others.

Bart: Woah! God is so in your face!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, he's my favorite fictional character.


"The Simpsons: Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts (#23.2)" (2011)
Superintendent Chalmers: Today, I'm going to be teaching you.
Bart Simpson: Eh. Same garbage, different dumpster.
Superintendent Chalmers: [Opens book to table of U.S. Presidents] I'm sure you know who these guys are.
Bart Simpson: [Points at Washington] Dollar bill guy...
[Points at Lincoln]
Bart Simpson: Five-dollar bill guy...
[Points to Clinton]
Bart Simpson: Sex guy...
[Points to Bush Jr]
Bart Simpson: Will Ferrell...
[Points to Obama]
Bart Simpson: Black guy.

Lisa Simpson: Bart, what are you doing?
Bart Simpson: Locking the school with the kids inside.
Lisa Simpson: I'm telling mom!
Bart Simpson: Go right ahead. You can use the closet phone.
[locks Lisa in broom closet]
Lisa Simpson: Hello, mom?
Bart Simpson: There really is a closet phone?
[Bart opens door; Lisa is just standing there sticking her tongue out; Bart closes door on her]
Bart Simpson: Real mature.

Bart Simpson: I've learned a lot today. Now to let TV slowly waste it all away.

Bart Simpson: Of all the films about Teddy Roosevelt, what do you think represents him the best?
Superintendent Chalmers: Night At The Museum, no question.
Bart Simpson: One or two?
Superintendent Chalmers: Either one. You can't go wrong either way.


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment (#2.13)" (1991)
Homer: Family, gather round, I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable.
Bart, Lisa: Cable?
Bart: All right.
Homer: That's right, sixty-eight channels, MTV for the kids, VH1 for us, sixteen hours of quality programming a day.
Marge: I don't know, Homer, we've discussed cable before. Do you really think we can afford this?
Homer: Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can afford it.
Marge: Mmmm, are you sure this is legal?
Homer: Relax, Marge. Read this.
[Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So You've Decided To Steal Cable"]
Marge: "Myth: it's wrong to view quality motion pictures for free. Fact: most movies that air on cable rate two stars or lower and are repeated ad nauseam." I don't know...

Marge: So, what did you children learn about today?
Bart: Hell.
Homer: Bart!
Bart: What? That's what we learned about. I'm sure as *hell* can't tell you we learned about *hell* unless I say *hell*, can I?
Homer: The lad's got a point.
Bart: Hell, yes!
Marge: Bart!
Bart: Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell!
Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school. Don't swear.

[after Lisa runs screaming out of the room]
Marge: What's gotten into her?
Bart: Beats the hell out of me.
Homer: Bart!

[Homer sees Mr. Burns coming up his driveway]
Homer: Bart, quick! Help me hide the stuff I borrowed from work!
Bart: "Borrowed"?
Homer: All right, the stuff I stole from work!
Bart: Oh! Okay.


"The Simpsons: Lemon of Troy (#6.24)" (1995)
Bart Simpson: Hey Milhouse, how's the lemonade business?
Milhouse: It's clearly booming, Bart.
Lisa: I don't even want any, I just bought a pity glass.
Milhouse: Gasp! We've squozen our whole supply. To the lemon tree!

Bart Simpson: Oh, it's no use I'm never gonna find that tree, this whole raid was a useless as that yellow lemon shaped rock over there. Wait a minute, there's a lemon behind that rock, the tree!

Bart: Eat my shorts, Shelbyville!
Homer, Bart: Eat my shorts!
Ned Flanders: Yes, eat all of our shirts!

Marge: This town is a part of who you are! This is a Springfield Isotopes Cap... when you wear it, you're wearing Springfield! When you eat a fish from our river, you're eating Springfield! When you make lemonade from our trees, you're drinking Springfield!
Bart Simpson: Mom, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield.


"The Simpsons: Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore (#15.12)" (2004)
Bart Simpson: Since he's been back, Milhouse has had three bloody noses and stepped in dog doo. It's always a party with that guy.

Bart Simpson: Did your imaginary friend try to kill you?
Milhouse Van Houten: No, Walter's been cool.

Bart Simpson: Hey Mouldylocks, Mom says I have to help you.

Bart Simpson: I'm going to hit you so hard, it'll kill your family.
Lisa Simpson: Bart, you are my family.


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets an F (#2.1)" (1990)
Bart: As God is my witness, I *can* pass the fourth grade!
Homer: And if you don't pass, you'll still be bigger than the other kids.

Bart: [praying] God, please give me one more chance to study, give me a snow day, or a power outage, or a teacher's strike, anything, please!
Lisa: Prayer: the last refuge of the scoundrel.

Bart: Part of this d-minus belongs to God.

Mrs. Krabappel: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Krabappel: And are you aware there is a major exam coming up tomorrow on Colonial America?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
[as he starts to glaze, all he hears is:]
Mrs. Krabappel: Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Krabappel: Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah!
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart! You haven't been listening to a word I've said, have you?
Bart: Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Krabappel: Well, then what did I say?
Bart: Uh..."straighten up and fly right?"
Mrs. Krabappel: [spluttering] Well, that was a lucky guess!


"The Simpsons: Moonshine River (#24.1)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: I need someone to dance with so I can zing my sister.
Edna Krabappel: All right, but you'll have to do your homework. Just kidding. I've given up on you long ago.
Bart Simpson: Just move your girdle, Yertil.

Bart Simpson: Hey, Lis. Your date just made the cover of Geek Monthly.
Milhouse Van Houten: I know that's a zing, but still... the cover!

Bart Simpson: Come on, dad. You love New York, now that your two least favorite buildings have been obliterated; Old Penn Station and Shea Stadium.
Homer Simpson: Lousy outdated relics.

Mary Spuckler: Tell me some news about Springfield.
Bart Simpson: Well, they let Sideshow Bob out again.
[Sideshow Bob sneaks up behind Bart, brandishing a knife; he is hit by a train]
Bart Simpson: Huh. I didn't know they still ran those trains.


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#7.1)" (1995)
Bart: Aren't we forgotting someone, sister suspect?

Lisa: But I could never shoot someone.
Bart: Could so.
Lisa: Could not.
Bart: Could so.
Lisa: Could not.
Bart: Could so.
Lisa: Could not.

Bart: D.n.a positive i.d. Those won't hold up in any court. Run, dad.

Bart: [to the Police] DNA, positive ID, those won't hold up in court.
[to Homer]
Bart: Run, Dad!


"The Simpsons: Bart the General (#1.5)" (1990)
Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons?
Bart: Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?
Herman: Well, I'd rather they say, "Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck.

Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
Lisa: No there aren't.
Bart: Teacher's pet. Apple polisher. Butt kisser.
Homer: Bart. You're saying butt kisser like it's a bad thing.

Bart: Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool gory pictures.

Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you have just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and The Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool gory pictures. See you next week. Peace, man!


"The Simpsons: The Bob Next Door (#21.22)" (2010)
Sideshow Bob: I can stand in one state, fire a gun in the second state, the bullet will travel through the third, hitting you in the fourth, so you'll fall down dead in the fifth! No single act is against any law, but their sum total is the greatest murder since Snape killed Dumbledore!
Bart Simpson: Oh, I haven't gotten to that part yet!
Sideshow Bob: It's a four-year-old book.
Bart Simpson: I'm a slow reader.
Sideshow Bob: A fitting epitaph.

Bart Simpson: I'll prove I'm not crazy. Sideshow Bob could never resist singing along to a Gilbert and Sullivan Operetta.
Milhouse Van Houten: Who am I again?
Bart Simpson: Yum Yum. I'm Peep-Bo.
Milhouse Van Houten: [dialing a phone] Mom? Dad? I got the lead!

Marge Simpson: Bart, what are you doing inside on an outdoor party?
Bart Simpson: Walt is really Sideshow Bob, and I'll prove it. See? Who would need a knife this big?
Marge Simpson: It's probably a deboner.
Bart Simpson: [laughs] Boner.

[Sideshow Bob/Walt Warren drives by the baseball stadium]
Bart Simpson: Uh, you missed the turnoff, Mr. Warren.
Sideshow Bob: You don't have to call me Mr. Warren anymore. You see, Bart, you were right all along.
[Sideshow Bob kicks off his shoes to let his feet unfold]
Sideshow Bob: I am Sideshow Bob!
[Bart screams while Sideshow Bob maniacally laughs]
Sideshow Bob: And now I am free to sing all the Gilbert and Sullivan I damn well please!
[pulls and unfolds an Oriental fan out of a glove compartment full of knives, shurikens and grenades]
Sideshow Bob: [singing] Behold the Lord High Executioner, A personage of noble rank and title.
[Bart collapses into his seat in horror as Sideshow Bob continues singing]


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
Marge Simpson: I must say, Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate - selfish, even.
Bart Simpson: Burns needs some serious boostafazoo, right Dad?... Dad?... Homer!
Lisa Simpson: [Bart pulls paper away to reveal Abe]
[Abe, Bart Lisa all scream]
Lisa Simpson: Sorry, Grampa. It's just that for a second it looked like Dad had melted.
Abe Simpson: Well, get used to it, 'cause I'm living here now. I ain't going back to the retirement home until they fish my bed out of that sinkhole.

Abe Simpson: Hey, the lamp's running away!
Bart Simpson: That's my dog, man!
Abe Simpson: So long, lamp.

Moe Szyslak: I lost my bar!
Barney Gumble: I lost his bar!
Lisa Simpson: He robbed the school of music!
Principal Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito!
Homer: He can't remember my name!
Marge Simpson: He's causing us all to yell!
[Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]
Bart Simpson: Look what he did to my best friend!
[Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies]
Bart Simpson: No, my dog!
[Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?

[Mrs. Krabappel is spraying air freshener in the classroom]
Bart Simpson: Yuck! What reeks?
Nelson Muntz: Smells like one of van Houten's.
Milhouse van Houten: It does not!


"The Simpsons: Bart's Comet (#6.14)" (1995)
Bart: What's really amazing is this is exactly what Dad said would happen!
Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right!
Homer: I know, kids, I'm scared too!

Principal Skinner: And now to find out who did this... Bart, empty your pockets!
Bart: Empty my pockets, you say? Well, certainly, but I fail to see...
Principal Skinner: [looking through the contents] Blueprints of the dummy... notarized photos of you making the dummy... and an alternate wording for the banner, "Buttzilla."

Bart: [about constellations] Who names these things anyway?
Principal Skinner: Whoever discovers them. I've been hoping I could find something that would be named after me.
Bart: And you've never found anything?
Principal Skinner: Once... but by the time I got to the phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohoutek...
[a cloud covers the moon; ominous music plays]
Principal Skinner: I got back at him, though... him and that little *boy* of his.
[cloud passes; music ends]
Principal Skinner: Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.

Homer: [at dinner] ... and then I sped away without anyone seeing my license plate.
Lisa: Sounds like you had a good day today, Dad.
Homer: Yeah... except I forgot to go to work.
[everyone looks at him silently]
Marge Simpson: What did you do today, Bart?
Bart: What didn't I do?
[hands his mother a newspaper]
Marge Simpson: [reading] "Boy Discovers Comet"...
Lisa: What?
Marge Simpson: "A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet to be known as the 'Bart Simpson Comet'." Oh honey, I'm so proud of you!
Bart: But then, you've *always* been proud of me.
Marge Simpson: [pauses] Yes...


"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
Bart Simpson: I got bad news for you, Dad.
Homer Simpson: Oh, your mother is not pregnant, is she?

Bart Simpson: Okay, Milhouse, let's try out the new cup.
Milhouse Van Houten: [kicks Bart in the groin]
Bart Simpson: Again!
Milhouse Van Houten: [kicks Bart in the groin again]
Bart Simpson: [yawns]
Milhouse Van Houten: [kicks Bart in the groin again and again]
Marge Simpson: Milhouse, stop that!

Homer: Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.

Bart Simpson: Give me a B?
Nelson Muntz: I won't give you a B, but I'll tear you a new A.


"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Kancelled (#4.22)" (1993)
[the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing at Moe's bar]
Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, do you want to appear on a Krusty comeback special?
Flea: Sure, if you can get us outta this gig.
Bart: No problemo.
[Bart points to the wall behind Moe]
Bart: Hey Moe, look over there.
Moe: What? What am I looking at?
[Bart and the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk out the door]
Moe: I'm gonna stop looking here in a second. What, is *that* it?
[Homer walks into the bar]
Homer: Hey Moe, can I look too?
Moe: Sure, but it'll cost ya.
Homer: My wallet's in the car.
[He runs outside]
Moe: He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall...

Krusty the Clown: I don't how to thank you kids.
Bart: That's okay, Krusty.
Lisa Simpson: We're getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.
Krusty the Clown: WHAT? That's the sweetest plum! You little...!
[calms down]
Krusty the Clown: Ah, what the hell, you deserve it. Thanks, kids.

Gabbo: And now it's time for another patented Gabbo crank call! Oh, I love these!
Bart: I can't believe it! He stole this bit from Krusty!
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.
Grandpa Simpson: Oh, everything's stolen nowadays. Why, the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.

Bart: [the TV flashes and yells the name Gabbo three times] Did you see that?
Homer: Yeah
Bart: What was it?
Homer: I reckon it's some guy's name. Some guy named Gabbo.


"The Simpsons: Grandpa vs. Sexual Inadequacy (#6.10)" (1994)
Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed underparenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting.
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.

Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.
Homer: Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
[leaves]
Bart: I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking".
Lisa: That's what I assumed.

Lisa: Bart, this is could be priceless.
Bart: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind?

Bart: Your half ass under-parenting was better than your half ass over-parenting.
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Phobia (#8.15)" (1997)
Bart Simpson: Something abut a bunch of guys alone together in the woods... seems kinda gay.

Roscoe: [to workers] Hey! Listen up! I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons.
Workers: [waving in a cliche, sissy-like attitude] Hello-o.
Homer: [gasps] Has the whole world gone insane?
Steel Mill Worker #1: [sissy-like] Stand still, there's a spark in you hair!
Steel Mill Worker #2: Get it, get it!
Homer: [whimpers as another guy walks past Homer holding a vat of hot steel in hot pants]
Steel Mill Worker #3: Hot stuff, comin' through!
Homer: [screams]
Bart Simpson: Dad, why'd you take me to a gay steel mill?
Homer: [frightened] I don't know! This is a NIGHTMARE! YOU'RE ALL SICK!
Steel Mill Worker #4: [waving his hand] Oh be nice!
Homer: Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay!
[a whistle goes off]
Homer: Oh my god! What's happening now?
Roscoe: We work hard, we play hard.
[pulls a chain, "Everybody Dance Now" starts playing as the mill turns into a gay nightclub]

[Homer places Bart in front of a sexy billboard]
Homer: Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel?
Bart: I dunno. I kinda want a cigarette.
Homer: That's good. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand?
Bart: Anything slim.
Homer: D'oh!

Homer: You know Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking, but anyway you chose to live your life is OK.
Bart: Huh?
Lisa: He thinks you're gay.
Bart: He thinks I'm gay?


"The Simpsons: New Kid on the Block (#4.8)" (1992)
[after tripping and knocking himself out, Bart wakes up and sees Laura bending over him]
Laura Powers: Hey, kid, wake up! Hi, I'm Laura Powers, your new neighbor. Are you okay?
Bart Simpson: [thinking] She's beautiful! Say something clever.
Bart Simpson: [aloud] I fell on my bottom.
Bart Simpson: [thinking] D'oh!

[Laura is coming over to babysit]
Lisa Simpson: [incredulous] You're taking a bath?
Bart Simpson: Hey, sometimes a guy just wants his skin to look its yellowest.

Bart: Grampa, I need some advice. Did you ever fall in love with an older woman?
Abe Simpson: I fell in love with the OLDEST woman. A hundred and twenty-four years old, she was. Here's a picture of her delivering Eubie Blake.
Bart: Wow. What happened?
Abe Simpson: She fell in with that Guinness Book of Records crowd; all of a sudden she didn't have time for me. Ohhh, I wore a fifteen-pound beard of bees for that woman, but it wasn't enough.

Bart: Dad, if there's a really special girl and she likes some clod who's beneath her, what should you do?
Homer: I *married* her!
[grabs Marge and puts her on his lap; they giggle]
Marge: Homer, please!
[hiccups]
Marge: I just had eggs.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXI (#22.4)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Come on, it's just a game. We're not hurting anybody.
[Accidentally hits Milhouse in the eye with controller]
Milhouse Van Houten: Ow! My non-lazy eye!

Milhouse Van Houten: Satan's Path?
Bart Simpson: It's gotta be good if Satan put his name on it.

Bart Simpson: I wish I could see mom one more time so I could say, "this was all your fault!"

Bart Simpson: There comes a time to beat the crap out of childish things.


"The Simpsons: Bart Carny (#9.12)" (1998)
Bart: [Driving Hitler's car] Outa my way, I'm Hitler!

Marge: How are we going to get those hicks out of our house?
Bart: We could start a fire and smoke 'em out.
Marge: No fires.
Lisa: [pauses for a moment] Well, we could start a fire...
Marge: No fires.
Homer: [enthusiastically] I got it...
Marge: No fires!

Bart: We're natural-born Carnies, Dad. If only we weren't tied down with a family.
Homer: Yeah. We could start our own game, where people throw ducks at balloons and nothing's the way it seems.

Chief Wiggum: Uh, I hate to interrupt your fun boys, but I got a few complaints that your game is crooked.
Homer: [laughs] And how.
Chief Wiggum: Gee, I'd hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, uh, understanding here.
[holds out his hand]
Homer: [monotone] I understand.
Bart: Um, hey, Dad, I... I think he wants...
Homer: Not right now, Son. Daddy's talking to a policeman.
Chief Wiggum: Uh, let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend Bill.
[glances down at the cash box]
Chief Wiggum: Have you seen any Bills around here?
Homer: No.
[points to Bart]
Homer: He's Bart.
Chief Wiggum: [groans] Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay?
Homer: Okay.
Chief Wiggum: The guy I'm really looking for, wink,
[winks]
Chief Wiggum: is Mr. Bribe, wink, wink.
[winks twice]
Homer: It's a ring toss game.
Chief Wiggum: All right, that's it. I'm shutting this game down.


"The Simpsons: Miracle on Evergreen Terrace (#9.10)" (1997)
[about the Christmas lights Homer put up]
Bart Simpson: It's craptacular.

Bart Simpson: [holding up a present] Hocus pocus! Mucus pucas! My powers of deduction tell me you are getting a hand-made sweater, possibly... yellow.
Lisa Simpson: Mom, make him stop!
Marge Simpson: Bart, put down that yellow sweater.

[after Homer turns on the Christmas lights]
Bart: It's craptacular.

Bart: Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.


"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Jasper Beardley: Is this seat taken, little girl?
Bart Simpson: I'm not a girl! Are you blind?
Jasper Beardley: Yes.

Nelson Muntz: [after the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon ends] That stunk.
Homer: Well, what did everybody think?
[everyone starts leaving in disgust]
Ned Flanders: Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy & Chimpy I've ever seen.
Carl: Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... got a beautiful home here.
Homer: [to the rest of the Simpson family] So it was pretty okay, huh?
Bart Simpson: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner
Marge Simpson: Yes, we can.
[Marge, Bart and Lisa run upstairs]

Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart Simpson: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart Simpson: What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.


"The Simpsons: Stop or My Dog Will Shoot (#18.20)" (2007)
Bart: [about dog] Mom you can't send him away, he's not grandpa!

Bart: Our dog would make an awesome police dog. Can he, dad? Please, can he?
Homer: No, and never bring it up again.
[pause]
Bart: Can he?
Homer: Oh, why not?

Bart: Hey, Lisa. Wanna touch Strangles? He's not slimy at all, he's scaly.
Lisa Simpson: Eww, he is slimy!
Bart: That's because I dipped him in slime!


"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
Lisa Simpson: [from another room] Mom, can you bring me more O.J.?
Bart Simpson: [from another room] Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphines?
Marge: There's no such thing.
Homer: [from another room] Marge, the boy's wasting valuable time. Come change the channel and pat my head.
Marge: In a minute!
Homer: But I'll miss Sheriff Lobo!
Grampa: And get me a bottle of bourbon.
Marge: Grampa, you know you can't have liquids after 3pm.
Grampa: You can stir it into my mush. Either way, just gimme, gimme, gimme!

Marge: So how are things at home?
Bart Simpson: We flushed the gator down the toilet, but it got stuck halfway and now we have to feed it.
[cuts to Grandpa fighting the gator with a toilet plunger]
Grampa: I'll bet you want a piece of me. Well you ain't gonna get it, see!
[as he laughs, his false teeth fall out into the aligator's mouth who bites down and breaks the teeth]
Grampa: [mumbling] Nurse! God darn it.

[while Marge is in prison]
Milhouse Van Houten: [opens his lunchbox] All right, baloney and cheese! What'd you get, Bart?
Bart Simpson: Pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card.
Nelson Muntz: Ha-ha! Your mom's a jailbird!
Bart Simpson: So's yours.
Nelson Muntz: Oh, yeah... let's play!


"The Simpsons: Exit Through the Kwik-E-Mart (#23.15)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: I want to show you that I'm sorry, and they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so...
[Spray-paints "I'm Sorry" on the hood of the car]
Homer Simpson: You just ruined my car.
Bart Simpson: Correction, I just made it ten times more valuable.
Homer Simpson: Five thousand dollars? Woo-hoo!

Lisa Simpson: Hey, merry pranksters. Dinner's ready.
Bart Simpson: Dammit, she knows! All right, what will it take to buy your silence?
Lisa Simpson: Just throw in a couple of "Fur is murder"s.
Bart Simpson: How is fur murder? They're just animals.
Lisa Simpson: Dad!
Bart Simpson: Okay, okay, fur is murder! Everything's murder.

Bart Simpson: From now on, if anyone laughs at you, they're gonna have to go through me.
Homer Simpson: What about the Incredible Hulk riding a rhinoceros? Are you gonna stop him from laughing?
Bart Simpson: Is the Hulk laughing, or the rhinoceros?
Homer Simpson: Both, but the rhinoceros doesn't know why, he's just trying to fit in.


"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)
Bart Simpson: Principal Skinner? Um, I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired, and biting you, and then getting it on with your leg.
Principal Skinner: Well... maybe it was for the best.

Bart Simpson: It's weird, Lise. I miss having Skinner as a friend, but I miss him even more as an enemy.
Lisa Simpson: I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty, Mountain Dew has its Mellow Yellow, even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

[Bart is making a show-and-tell presentation]
Bart Simpson: What has four legs and ticks?
Milhouse Van Houten: A walking clock?
Nelson Muntz: A walking clock!
Martin Prince: [to another kid] I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box.
Edna Krabappel: Bart, is it a walking clock?
Bart Simpson: Huh? No, it's my dog.


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)
[Krusty the Klown cast members are eating lunch]
Sideshow Mel: Bah! There's cheese in this sandwich. Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant.
Bart: Sorry!
Sideshow Mel: Sorry? Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Oh, boy! Come stand outside the bathroom. I want to yell at you some more...
[Mel yells from inside the bathroom]
Sideshow Mel: Why you little rapscallion!
Bart: Show business sucks. I'm outta here.

Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
Bart: Thanks, Mom.
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba.
Marge: Hmmmmm.
Maggie: [sucks pacifier]
Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney Gumble: [belches]
Nelson: Ha-ha.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
[pause, everyone stares at Lisa]
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?

Bart: Yoink!
Kent Brockman: Yoink?


"The Simpsons: The Canine Mutiny (#8.20)" (1997)
Groundskeeper Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt. And I 'ate him!
[raises a huge bone of meat]
Bart Simpson: [gasps]
Groundskeeper Willy: [tears meat off the bone] I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barkin'!
[tosses a bone behind him]
Groundskeeper Willy: So, I gave him to the church.
Bart Simpson: [relieved] Ohh, I see. You *hate* him, so you gave him to the church.
Groundskeeper Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug!
[Bart turns around, stares at Willy]
Groundskeeper Willy: Ya heard me!

[Bart's looking for his dog]
Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt - and I 'ate 'im.
[Bart gasps]
Willy: I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'. So I gave 'im to the church.
Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug.
[Bart stares]
Willy: Ya heard me.

Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right.
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.


"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Marge: [as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?
Bart Simpson: Um...
Homer: Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!
[points gun to himself]
Marge: Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.
Homer: You said the breakfast table.
Marge: It's the same table!
Homer: Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.
[attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board]
Homer: Oh... I guess the safety was on.
[He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest]
Homer: I'd better just put it down.
[sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes]
Lisa: No offence, Mom, but that was pretty cool.

Bart Simpson: [after he finds Homer's gun and tries to shoot an apple off Milhouse's head] And the next marksman is: William Tell, Jr.!
Milhouse Van Houten: Jinx!
Marge: [when she comes home; gasps] Bart!
Homer: Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun.
Marge: You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun.
Homer: I put it in a safe place, Marge! I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?
Marge: How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst, the most despicable!
Homer: But, Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!
Marge: Mmm... until you decide what's more important, your gun, or your family, we can't live in the same house. Come on, kids.
[takes the kids and leaves]
Homer: So this is the thanks I get for protecting my family? Then go. I'll be just fine.
[door slams; Homer turns to Milhouse]
Homer: Do you know how to cook dinner?
Milhouse Van Houten: [excitedly] Do I?
[starts looking through a cabinet, rummaging through pots and pans]

Bart Simpson: Hey, is that a camera in the ceiling?
Camera: No. Go back to sleep.


"The Simpsons: Weekend at Burnsie's (#13.16)" (2002)
Bart Simpson: Dad, I thought you didn't like Lisa's saxophone.
Homer Simpson: I didn't. But now, daddy's special medicine-
[menacingly]
Homer Simpson: which you must never use because it will ruin your life- lets daddy see and hear magical things that you will never experience... ever!

[Homer is listening to Lisa playing her saxaphone while he's high on marijuana]
Bart: Hey, Dad, I thought you hated Lisa's sax.
Homer: I did, but now Daddy's new medicine... which you must never use. Because it will ruin your life... helps Daddy see the magical colors that you will never experience... EVER.

Bart: As long as you're doing things for me, will you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house?
Homer: NEVER.


"The Simpsons: Smoke on the Daughter (#19.15)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Bart, now that your mother and your little mother are gone, I can let you in on a deep, dark family secret.
Bart Simpson: You have a drinking problem?
Homer Simpson: I said family SECRET!

Bart Simpson: I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.

Bart Simpson: Dad, you never win in a fight against animals. Remember your war with the worms?
Homer Simpson: That was not a defeat, that was a phased withdrawl.
Bart Simpson: Then why did they made you build that statue?
[Points at statue of Homer bowing at a worm, titled "Worms are better than me"]
Homer Simpson: They multiply when I cut them. I can't fight that.


"The Simpsons: MoneyBart (#22.3)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: Bottom line: I need an extracurricular activity, and no one else will coach you loveable losers.
Bart Simpson: We're not losers! Last year we finished six and five.
Nelson Muntz: And we're not loveable. We had a tall freckle-faced kid on the team that we picked on 'til he quit.
[to tall, freckled kid walking down the street]
Nelson Muntz: Hey, Splatterface! How's the weather up there?
[Kid leaves downhearted]
Nelson Muntz: It's too bad, 'cause he's a great hitter, but it's worth it.

Bart Simpson: [Taking off his uniform] Here's my uniform, since I won't be needing it anymore.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! Underpants dinner!
[Starts taking off shirt]
Marge Simpson: No, it's not!
Marge Simpson: [Dejected] Oh.

Nelson Muntz: What's a babe like her doing with a brown banana like Skinner?
Bart Simpson: Maybe she's one of those sexy school supply company reps.
Milhouse Van Houten: If that is true, then where's her suitcase with wheels, Bart? Where's her suitcase with wheels?


"The Simpsons: Some Enchanted Evening (#1.13)" (1990)
Ms. Botz: Your parents left me this for you to watch.
[holds up The Happy Little Elves]
Lisa Simpson: Oh, boy! The Happy Little Elves!
Bart Simpson: Look, lady. We've seen the Crappy Little Elves a million times. Can't we watch something else?
Ms. Botz: Look, kid. You're going to do what I say or I'm going to do something to you. And I don't know what that is because everyone has always done what I say!

Moe: [answering phone] Moe's tavern.
Bart: Hello. Is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name Coholic.
Moe: Lemme check.
[to the bar patrons]
Moe: Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. Is there an Al Coholic here?

Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart Simpson: Is Oliver there?
Moe: Who?
Bart Simpson: Oliver Clothesoff.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff.


"The Simpsons: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge (#11.21)" (2000)
[Otto left his fiancee at the altar because of Marge]
Bart: Say, I got an idea. Why don't you stay with us?
Marge: Bart, remember that talk we had about inviting people to stay with us without asking?
Homer: Marge, remember that talk we had about ruining peoples' weddings?

Bart: [waving a camcorder around on the bus] Tonight on the Discovery Channel; Inside Lisa's Nose. What will we find, boogers or Nazi gold?
Lisa: Bart, quit it!
Bart: No way.
Lisa: Bart sleeps with Raggedy Andy!
Bart: Cut, cut, cut!

Bart: So, any words for the bride and groom?
Principal Skinner: Now now, Bart. I'm trying to urinate.
Bart: You don't seem to be trying very hard.


"The Simpsons: Boy Meets Curl (#21.12)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Principal Skinner? This is bogus, man! You know the rules. You need at least two letters and a phone call before a home visit.
Seymour Skinner: Bart, my cargo pants indicate that I'm not here on school business. I'm here on cool business, i.e. curling.

Bart Simpson: Your dressed is full of pins.
Lisa Simpson: There is no dress. It's all pins!

Bart Simpson: Lisa, I know all about addiction from watching dad, and the first step to recovery is to get rid of the substance. So take off your pins. All of them.
Lisa Simpson: What is this, tough love?
Bart Simpson: I prefer to think of if more like soft hate.


"The Simpsons: The Devil Wears Nada (#21.5)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: Quit dragging me! When you're older, I'm gonna drag you around and buy you clothes!
Marge Simpson: Oh, that would be very nice.
Bart Simpson: D'oh!

Edna Krabappel: Today, we're going to read about Washington crossing the Delaware.
Nelson Muntz: I'd rather see Bart's mom in her underwear.
Edna Krabappel: The British side was under the command of General Howe.
Nelson Muntz: I give Bart's mom a general wow!
Bart Simpson: Stop that, she's my mom!
Nelson Muntz: Keep-away with Bart's mom!
[Throws calendar to Milhouse]
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh, Mrs. S. You can tuck me in anytime.
Bart Simpson: [Aims slingshot at Milhouse] Okay, buddy. Lower the eyebrows, nice and easy.
[Milhouse lowers one eyebrow]
Bart Simpson: Now the other one.
[Milhouse lowers the other eyebrow, but then raises it again; Bart hits him with slingshot]
Milhouse Van Houten: Ow! It's stuck! Now I'll have a quizzical expression all day.
Nelson Muntz: I'd like to get quizzical with Bart's mom.
[Bart tackles Nelson and they fight]

Marge Simpson: Where are you kids going? I told you we were having dinner with the Flanderses.
Lisa Simpson: Sorry, mom, but I'm going to a slumber party at Janie's.
Bart Simpson: And I'm going to a stink bomb party at the house next to Janie's. No relation.


"The Simpsons: Wedding for Disaster (#20.15)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: So if you weren't married, does that mean I'm a bastard?
Lisa Simpson: You were born when they were married, so in the literal sense, no. But in the sense of someone being angry at you, yes.

Bart Simpson: So, did you take any breaks yesterday, like, to kidnap our father?
Krusty The Clown: Impossible. He was with me the whole day. We watched the special edition DVD of House Of Sand And Fog, then slept together for warmth, got up, had a little nosh, watched the DVD again with the director's commentary.
Sideshow Bob: The director was an ass.

Bart Simpson: If you don't want us to tell, you're gonna have to pay.
Patty Bouvier: Pay what?
Bart Simpson: Don't ask me. She's the brains. I'm the thing that's not the brains.


"The Simpsons: Skinner's Sense of Snow (#12.8)" (2000)
Bart: [to Homer, dressed as an Arab woman] Ignore her, effendi. We have each other.

Bart: [to Homer. Dressed as an Arab woman] Ignore her, effendi. We have each other.

Bart: [Looking at his permanent record] "Under achiever and proud of it"?
[Scoffs]
Bart: How old is this thing?


"The Simpsons: Home Sweet Home-Dum-Diddly Doodily (#7.3)" (1995)
Bart: Wow Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned Flanders: Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!

Ned Flanders: Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents, but now I know you kids need a less hellbound family!
Maude Flanders: Just sit back, and before you know it, you'll be part of the Flanders flock.
Bart: Ha ha! You're going to be Lisa Flanders!
Lisa Simpson: You're going to be "Bart" Flanders.
[Bart screams]
Maude Flanders: Oh, relax, Bart. Your sister Maggie isn't scared.
Bart: That's because she can't talk.
Maggie Simpson: [as she pulls her pacifier out] Daddily doodily!
[Maggie then turns her head around and looks at Bart and Lisa]

[as the Simpson family, who are finally together again, are about to leave the Springfield river]
Marge Simpson: So what was it like at the Flanders' house?
Homer: Yeah, gimme all the dirt.
Lisa Simpson: Let's see. Dirt... dirt... well, there wasn't really much dirt.
Bart: There was a bunch of old paint cans in the garage, though.
Homer: [laughs scoffingly] Old painty-can Ned.
[the family also laugh]
Homer: I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint!
Marge Simpson: How do you like that!


"The Simpsons: Homer's Enemy (#8.23)" (1997)
Bart: Milhouse. You were supposed to be the night watchman.
Milhouse: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
Bart: Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go...
[the rats run over to Moe's]
Moe: All right, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

Frank Grimes: Gah! I've had to work hard every day of my life and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?
Homer: [Stares blankly] What?
Frank Grimes: [Enraged] E - Everything! A dreamhouse, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and...
[sniffs]
Frank Grimes: lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? NO!
Homer: [Gets worried and gasps] What are you saying?
Frank Grimes: I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible and you leach your decent hardworking people like me. Ha! If you lived in any other country in the world you would have starved to death long ago.
Bart: He's got you there, dad.

Bart: [over a loudspeaker after seeing Milhouse slacking at his factory] Get to work!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XX (#21.4)" (2009)
Lisa Simpson: [on cell phone] I'm at Krabapple's. Have you established your alibi?
Bart Simpson: Yes. I'm at the tennis match.
Lisa Simpson: Will people remember you were there?
Bart Simpson: [Mooning crowd at tennis court] Oh, I'm pretty sure they will.

Bart Simpson: Let's play "who gets to carry the chosen one"!
[Climbs on Lisa's shoulders; he gets hit on the head by a branch]
Lisa Simpson: Aw, what's wrong? Did the chosen one got a bump on his chosen widdle noggin'?

Lisa Simpson: But I didn't kill Krabappel!
Bart Simpson: What? You mean to tell me you just rang her doorbell and ran?
Lisa Simpson: Of course! Ding-dong ditch! You didn't say to kill her!
Bart Simpson: You don't say "kill", because you're smart. What I meant was kill that ding-dong and throw her in a ditch. Ding-dong ditch! Sheesh, read a book once in a while.


"The Simpsons: Homer to the Max (#10.13)" (1999)
Marge Simpson: [after seeing a TV show wherein a character has the same name as Homer] It was all a coincidence... like that guy named Anthony Michael Hall that stole your stereo.
Bart Simpson: [sarcastic] Yeah... coincidence.

Max Power: Kids: there's three ways to do things; the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way!
Bart Simpson: Isn't that the wrong way?
Max Power: Yeah, but faster!

[Homer has changed his to Max Power]
Max Power: Kids. From now on there are three ways of doing things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart Simpson: Isn't that just the wrong way?
Max Power: Yes, but faster.
[Homer walks into a cactus]


"The Simpsons: Bart's Inner Child (#5.7)" (1993)
Bart: Lis, everyone in town is acting like me, so why does it suck?
Lisa: It's simple, Bart. You've defined yourself as a rebel. And in the absence of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been co-opted.
Bart: I see.

Homer: Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture.
Lisa: We know, Dad.
Homer: I just thought I'd remind everybody. After all, we did agree to attend this self-help seminar.
Bart: What an odd thing to say...

Brad Goodman: We can all learn a lot from this young man here, this... this...
Bart: Rudiger
Brad Goodman: Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger
Marge Simpson: His name is Bart
Brad Goodman: His name isn't important!


"The Simpsons: Rome-old and Juli-eh (#18.15)" (2007)
Bart Simpson: Pinball, eh? I've heard of that.
[starts playing]
Bart Simpson: Wow, the graphics are amazing. The ball almost seems real.

Bart Simpson: Lower the drawbridge!
Lisa Simpson: What's the password.
Bart Simpson: [begrudgingly] I love my sister.

Lisa Simpson: We beat them back! Now we can enjoy Boxingham Palace in peace.
Bart Simpson: Wanna melt it with a hose?
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, I guess. A couple of birds pooped on it over here.


"The Simpsons: D'oh-in' in the Wind (#10.6)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: Hey, what the heck is your middle name, anyway?
Homer Simpson: You know, I have no idea! Hey, Dad, what does the "J" stand for?
Grampa Simpson: How should I know? It was your mother's job to name you, and love you and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you mind? Your feet are really close to my potato.
Homer Simpson: Your potato? You can't, like, own a potato, man. It's one of Mother Earth's creatures.
[he burps]
Marge Simpson: Homer! Excuse yourself!
Homer Simpson: No way, narc! Bodily functions are a natural thing.
Bart Simpson: Not to mention hilarious.
Marge Simpson: You know, I really don't appreciate being called a narc. And that poncho is filthy! Let me dry-clean it for you.
Homer Simpson: Why do you have to turn everything into one big plastic hassle? Marge, you've got too many hang-ups. Like the whole shaving trip. Come on, I want to see those legs all furry and gross!
Marge Simpson: That ain't gonna happen, bub.
Homer Simpson: Well, at least lose the bra. Free the Springfield Two, Marge! Free the Springfield Two!

[Homer has to write his full name on an application form but he doesn't know what his middle initial stands for]
Bart: Uh, so Dad, regarding that form, why not just make up a middle name?
Lisa: You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit.
Homer: No. Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name.


"The Simpsons: The Old Man and the 'C' Student (#10.20)" (1999)
Bart Simpson: Full speed ahead. Dam the torpedos.
Abe: What did he say? Put on our tuxedos?
Crazy Old Man: I want some Taquitos.

Bart Simpson: Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball state, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?
[Bart is about to say something when Skinner Quickly puts his hand over his mouth]
Principal Skinner: Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of Community Service.
[the children walk offstage, groaning and moaning]
Ralph: Intercourse?
Superintendent Chalmers: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.
[Bart looks at Skinner, and Skinner waves his hands "no"]

Bart Simpson: [turning a dustbuster on and off on the back of his sleeping grandfather's head] Homer... Grandpa... Homer... Grandpa... Homer... Grandpa...
Nurse: Don't play with the faces!


"The Simpsons: Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish' (#7.22)" (1996)
Bart: [to Mr. Burns, who is going to steal some paintings] Mr. Burns, can you take me with you? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.

Bart: I'm sorry I cost you your fortune, Grampa.
Grampa: Oh, the fortune doesn't matter, boy, the important thing is you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!

Marge Simpson: Where are we going to put him?
Homer Simpson: Bart's room.
Lisa Simpson: Bart's room.
Marge Simpson: Bart's room.
Bart Simpson: Dumpster.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVIII (#19.5)" (2007)
Bart Simpson: What is that unearthly glow? The sensible thing to do is to go towards it.

Bart Simpson: He died as he lived - like a dork.

Bart Simpson: Trick or Treat is not something you mindlessly chant like the Lord's Prayer - it's an oral contract!


"The Simpsons: Duffless (#4.16)" (1993)
Lisa Simpson: [writing] I propose to determine the answer to the question: Is My Brother Dumber Than A Hamster?
Bart Simpson: [passing by] Hey, Lis, look what I can do!
[sticks his entire fist in his mouth, then tries, unsuccessfully, to pull it out again]
Bart Simpson: Doggone it.

[Lisa comes back to her room to find her science project report stolen]
Bart Simpson: Looking for something?
[Bart is sitting in her chair, stroking Snowball II a la Ernst Stavro Blofeld]
Lisa Simpson: What have you done with my report?
Bart Simpson: I've hidden it.
[Lisa runs out]
Bart Simpson: To find it, you'll have to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish than...
Lisa Simpson: Got it!
Bart Simpson: D'oh!

Principal Skinner: [seeing Bart's science project] "Go-Go Ray"?
Bart Simpson: Allow me to demonstrate.
[turns switch to "Mashed Potato" and zaps Skinner]
Principal Skinner: AH! What the-?
[He does the Mashed Potato across the room. Mrs. Krabappel laughs. Bart turns the switch to "Monkey" and zaps her]
Edna Krabappel: AH! Can't... stop... doing... the Monkey!


"The Simpsons: Special Edna (#14.7)" (2003)
Bart: Hey wait a minute, man. You don't have to leave just because Superintendent Chalmers tells you to. You've spent your whole life following orders. From your mother, the army, Superintendent Chalmers. For once in your life, stand up for yourself, man.
Principal Skinner: Okay, Bart.
Mrs. Krabappel: Let's go, Seymour.
Principal Skinner: Okay, Edna.

[in front a "Best Teacher's Award" committee]
Bart: [in a video] This year, I'd like to nominate my teacher- Ms. Krabappel. Shy may not be glamorous or entertaining. She's just a normal teacher who's always there. And, she's never given up on me- Bart Simpson.
[all committee members gasp in horror]
Teacher of the Year Judge: Bart Simpson? I thought he was an urban legend.

Bart: All right, I'm in. I'll humiliate the love of your life. Because I like you, I'll even do it "pro boner".
Principal Skinner: It's "pro bono".
Bart: I know what I said.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Pony (#3.8)" (1991)
Bart: How come Lisa gets a pony?
Homer: Because she stopped loving me.
Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
Homer: And I know you love me, so you don't get squat.

Marge: Lisa, do you know how much it costs to keep a pony?
Lisa Simpson: No.
Marge: Well, it's a lot. In fact, your father had to take a second job.
Bart: The poor guy! Where's he working?
Marge: The Kwik-E-Mart.
[Bart bursts out laughing]

Marge: Lisa, I hope you realize that your father can't keep this up.
Lisa Simpson: You're going to make me give up Princess?
Marge: Lisa, we can't make you do anything.
Bart: I can make her! Just give me five minutes alone with her...
Marge: No, Bart! No one's going to make her. This is something Lisa has to decide for herself.
Lisa Simpson: All those years I've lobbied to be treated as an adult have blown up in my face.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Heretic (#4.3)" (1992)
Bart: Hey, where's Homer?
Marge: Your father is... resting.
Bart: "Resting" hung over? "Resting" got fired? Help me out here.

[on Sunday, the heat in the church has broken down during a blizzard outside]
Reverend Lovejoy: [reading] "... and he was cast into the fiery cauldron of Hell! The searing heat, the scalding rivers of molten sulfur...!"
[the congregation, eyes closed, smile blissfully]
Bart: Ahh... I'm there.

Lisa Simpson: [In church] Our Father, Who art in Heaven...
Bart: Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place!


"The Simpsons: Marge Gamer (#18.17)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: How could you kill your own mother?
Bart Simpson: It was just a game. A game I was enjoying it until you mommed all over it.

Homer Simpson: Son, I will never understand women if I live to be forty.
Bart Simpson: Big if.
Homer Simpson: You said it. Enjoy me while you can.

Marge Simpson: Kids, what are you doing up so late?
Lisa Simpson: We just got up. It's 7:30 AM.
Marge Simpson: I played on the computer all night?
Bart Simpson: Actually, it's Saturday.
Marge Simpson: I played a day and an night?
Lisa Simpson: Bart, it's not Saturday.
Bart Simpson: Shh!


"The Simpsons: Future-Drama (#16.15)" (2005)
Waylon Smithers: [with a very attractive woman] Sir, you knew I was on a date.
Bart: Mr. Smithers? But I thought you were... you know...
Waylon Smithers: Oh no, I'm straight. As long as I keep taking these shots!
[injects shot into arm]
Waylon Smithers: I love boobies!

Bart: [Smithers walks into the room with a sexy girl at his side] Smithers? I thought you were... ugh... you know!
Smithers: Not as long as I take these injections!
[injects himself]
Smithers: [shouts] I like boobies!

Lisa: There's your boyfriend Bart. You're gay for Moleman.
Bart: No, you're gay for Moleman
Hans Moleman: Nobody is gay for Moleman.


"The Simpsons: Homerazzi (#18.16)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: It's gone! The photo album was a record of my accomplishments. It was like a resume to a man.
Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry, Mom. You have to let these things go. It's not like we could restage the photos all over again.
Marge Simpson: Restage the family album!
Bart Simpson: Lisa, you fool! You've doomed us all!
[Marge puts a baby bonnet on Bart and shoots a picture]
Bart Simpson: Noooo!

Bart Simpson: Hey, Paris! I saw a disgusting part of your body on the internet. Your face!

Bart Simpson: Look! There's the Rich Texan and his daughter, Paris Texan.


"The Simpsons: King Size Homer (#7.7)" (1995)
Lisa Simpson: [Homer receives an award for using his fat body to block a toxic vent] I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
Bart Simpson: Yeah, and I think it's ironic that for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic gas...
Marge Simpson: Bart!

Dr. Nick: Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?

Bart Simpson: When I grow up, I'm gonna be a lardo on workman's comp, just like Dad.
[dissolve to Bart's fantasy]
Bart Simpson: I wash myself with a rag on a stick.


"The Simpsons: Homer Scissorhands (#22.20)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: I don't get it. Why would a popular fifth grader like Taffy be into a Milhouse like Milhouse?
Bart Simpson: I dunno. It's just one of those mysteries, I guess. Like how do my clothes pick themselves up from the floor and fold themselves into my drawers.

Lisa Simpson: Why would a popular fifth grader like Taffy be interested in a Milhouse like Milhouse?
Bart Simpson: I dunno. It's one of those mysteries like: How do my clothes get clean and put back in my drawers?

Bart Simpson: [Jumps in front of Lisa as she paints] Ha-ha! I ruined your painting!
Lisa Simpson: Bart, this isn't a photograph. I'm not going to paint you just because...
[Sees that she has painted in Bart]
Lisa Simpson: Augh! You just ruined six months work!
Bart Simpson: Gee, I'm really sorry... it wasn't a year!
Lisa Simpson: You're going to regret the day you were born!
Bart Simpson: I already do. It's too close to Christmas.


"The Simpsons: Natural Born Kissers (#9.25)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: There's gotta be something to do around here. Hey, are they pulling the plug on anybody today?
Grampa Simpson: Nope, everybody's paid up.

Bart Simpson: You guys are sick.
[Bart and Lisa leave]
Marge Simpson: You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?
Homer Simpson: I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong!

Lisa Simpson: Wow! An alternate ending to "Casablanca". Bart, this could be priceless!
Bart Simpson: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind of priceless?


"The Simpsons: Gorgeous Grampa (#24.14)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Should I let the men who ruined my past and present have dinner with the boy who will ruin my future?
Bart Simpson: I'll send you some desert.
Homer Simpson: Text me the options.

Marge Simpson: I'ts a shame that Grampa has to cheat instead of relying on his God-given wrestling talent. What kind of person would idolize someone like that?
Bart Simpson: What kind of person indeed?

Lisa Simpson: How come boys always idolize the bad boys?
Bart Simpson: How come you still like Nelson?
Lisa Simpson: What? I don't... He's... He's a rebel, but I can change him!


"The Simpsons: Dangerous Curves (#20.5)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Here we are.
Bart Simpson: A log cabin? What am I, Davy Crockett? - Also, who's Davy Crockett?
Homer Simpson: Kids, this place has very special memories for your mother and me.
Bart Simpson: Well, leaving right now will become a special memory for me!
[Lisa chuckles]
Marge Simpson: [sing-song] They have a pedal car.
Bart Simpson: [sing-song] Pedal cars suck.
Lisa Simpson: [sing-song] They're worse than walking.
Homer Simpson: [sing-song, to Lisa] I'll put a hundred bucks in your college fund.
Lisa Simpson: [sing-song] I'll take ten bucks now!
Homer Simpson: [sing-song] I'll steal it back when you're sleeping!
[gives Bart and Lisa $10 each]

Bart Simpson: Hey, knock it off back there.
Homer Simpson: But we're married.
Bart Simpson: All right, but keep it PG.
Homer Simpson: How about R?
Bart Simpson: PG-13.
Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo! Adult situations!

Bart Simpson: I'm cuckoo for killing things.


"The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy Land (#6.4)" (1994)
Bart: Hey, mouse. Say, "Cheese."
[Bart takes a picture with his camera, causing a Scratchy robot to collapse]
Bart: With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.

Bart: Mom, guess what!
Lisa Simpson: We're going to Itchy & Scratchy Land!
Marge: No. I've already planned our vacation for this year. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.
[Bart and Lisa stare, horrified]
Marge: It's shaped like a diner! And it's on this really tall pole.

Homer: Okay, let's make a pact. This is gonna be the best vacation ever or we're all agreed to disband and join other families.
Marge, Bart, Lisa Simpson: Agreed.


"The Simpsons: Pulpit Friction (#24.18)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: Gentlemen, this fort is now complete, and will last forever.
Milhouse Van Houten: Not even the Nazis can get in here.
Nelson Muntz: I thought we were the Nazis.

Bart Simpson: My dad used to hate church, it's what I loved about him. But now he's turn into a fat version of Flanders. No offence.
Ned Flanders: None taken.

Bart Simpson: But I thought you hated church.
Homer Simpson: For the record, I hated the building, the people in it, and the spirit it represents, I never hated the chruch itself. But I believe in something bigger than me now.
Bart Simpson: The only thing bigger than you now is you tomorrow.
Homer Simpson: Why you little... lamb... Mustn't kill own son, only God can do that.


"The Simpsons: Kill the Alligator and Run (#11.19)" (2000)
Bart Simpson: This money's from the Montana Militia. It isn't real.
Homer Simpson: [threateningly] It'll be real soon enough.

[in the car on the way to Florida]
Lisa: Mom, Bart's sitting next to me.
Bart: Mom, Lisa's growing.
Marge: Quiet, you two. You know your father's just had a breakdown.
Homer: My pockets hurt.

Velma: You took the signs out of the window? That's pretty presumptuous. How do you know I'm going to hire you?
Bart Simpson: Sorry, I just want to be a broom-boy so bad.
Velma: I like your attitude. You're hired.
[to Lisa]
Velma: How about you, missy? You wanna be a mop girl?
Lisa: Not really no.
Velma: I like your honesty. You're hired.
[to Marge and Homer]
Velma: And you two haven't said a word. I like that. you're hired.


"The Simpsons: At Long Last Leave (#23.14)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: How you doing, Mr. Assange?
Julian Assange: That's my personal information and you have no right to know about it. Hey, but we're neighbors. Would you like to come over for a movie sometime?
Marge Simpson: Is it Iraqi journalists being murdered?
Julian Assange: Don't be ridiculous. It's an Afghan wedding being bombed.
Homer Simpson: Well I have a really big secret for you.
[whispers]
Homer Simpson: I'm not wearing any underwear.
Julian Assange: You know, you should really get out less.

Lisa Simpson: Why do we have to sit here? If we leave now, we could see what the town looks deserted.
Bart Simpson: I could write whatever I want on the school chalkboard.
Lisa Simpson: I could watch a planetarium show without the second-hand marijuana.
Homer Simpson: And I could drive drunk while sober.
[Cut to Homer driving erratically]
Homer Simpson: It's fun, but not as fun.

Bart Simpson: You sure this is a good idea?
Homer Simpson: This is the Outlands, boy. Ideas aren't good or bad, they're just free.


"The Simpsons: Stealing First Base (#21.15)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: I need to talk to you about man stuff.
Homer Simpson: Talk to grandpa. He used to be a man.
Bart Simpson: He did?
Grampa Simpson: [Struggling to peel a banana] Come on, give up the goods, you yellow devil!

Bart Simpson: Where's Mrs. K?
Principal Skinner: Mrs. Krabappel went to Idaho. Turns out the people sent to rescue her sister from a cult turned out to be an even worse cult.
Bart Simpson: So who's taking her place? Me, I hope.
Principal Skinner: No, not you. Never you.

Bart Simpson: I don't get you. You're hot, you're cold, you're hot... what is your deal?
Nikki McKenna: You have a lot to learn about women, and I'm not going to tell you.
Bart Simpson: Oh, I give up. Smell you later.
[as he walks away, Nikki runs to him and kisses him on the cheek, then walks away]
Bart Simpson: I love you!


"The Simpsons: Jazzy & The Pussycats (#18.2)" (2006)
Jack White: Hey, kid! Why don't you watch where you're going?
Bart: Sorry, White Stripes. No hard feelings?
Meg White: Let's kick his ass!

Bart: I used to be a great drummer. And now I'm nobody, just like Phil Collins.

[at Homer's Vegas wife, Amber's, funeral]
Bart: So, how did malt liquor mommy die?
Marge Simpson: I told you to stop calling her that.
Lenny: You know that sign that says not to stand up on the roller coaster?
[Bart nods]
Lenny: She overdosed right in front of it.


"The Simpsons: Barting Over (#14.11)" (2003)
Tony Hawk: I hope you don't mind living below a bunch of pro skaters that like to party.
Bart: I'll adjust.
Tony Hawk: Hey, blink-182.
Thomas DeLonge: We have names, you know.
Tony Hawk: Whatever. You can crank it up.
Mark Hoppus: Dude, let's trash this place.
Travis Barker: *After* we get paid.
Mark Hoppus: Nice!

Bart: I want to be emancipated.
Homer: Emancipated! Don't you like bein' a dude?

Bart Simpson: I want to be emancipated!
Homer Simpson: Emancipated? Why do you want that? Don't you like being a dude?


"The Simpsons: Yokel Chords (#18.14)" (2007)
Bart Simpson: So you're saying I tell people to have a cow because deep inside, I want them to have a cow.

Dr. Swanson: Will we ever see each other again?
Bart Simpson: Who knows. Anything's possible. One of this days I might have a complete psychotic breakdown.
Dr. Swanson: I'd like that.

Bart Simpson: And I had this dream that my whole family was just cartoon characters, and that our success led to some crazy propaganda network called Fox News.


"The Simpsons: In the Name of the Grandfather (#20.14)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: A house and garden show?
[Bart, Lisa and Homer groan]
Bart Simpson: You told me we were going to a video game expo!
Lisa Simpson: You told me we were going to clean trash on the freeway!
Homer Simpson: You told me something but I wasn't listening!

Ned Flanders: Guys, could you cool your jets? Some of us are trying to sleep.
Homer Simpson: Why don't you join us, Flanders? Are you afraid to get your moustache wet?
Ned Flanders: Well, actually, yes.
Bart Simpson: Come on, Ned. Baptize your buns.

Lisa Simpson: Ireland is the leader in communication technologies in all of Europe.
Bart Simpson: Take that, Belgium!
Marge Simpson: Bart, if you hate Belgium so much, I'll take away your Tin Tins.
Bart Simpson: No, I'll be good!


"The Simpsons: The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants (#23.7)" (2011)
Dolph: [Presents fists] Or maybe you want to read it to my sisters.
Jimbo Jones: You call your fists sisters?
Dolph: Yeah. Punchahontas and Sockajewea.
Bart Simpson: Nice names.

Bart Simpson: You want me to read to Lisa? You might as well ask me to kiss her.
Marge Simpson: If you kissed your sister, that would be lovely.
Bart Simpson: All right! I'll read to her!
Homer Simpson: And kiss her.
Lisa Simpson: Doesn't anyone want my opinion on this?

Bart Simpson: I'll just get a job that doesn't require reading, like French fry cook, or general.


"The Simpsons: When Flanders Failed (#3.3)" (1991)
Bart: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.
Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake.

Akira: We learn karate, so we need never use it.
Bart: Um, excuse me, sir, I already know how not to hit a guy. Can we break out the nunchuks?

Marge: Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV?
Bart: Six. Seven if there's something good on.


"The Simpsons: American History X-cellent (#21.17)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: [apologizing to Lisa] It was an accident! I didn't mean to kill our ants.
Homer Simpson: [passing by] Patty and Selma are dead? Whoo hoo! Double funeral!
[Dances and sings]
Bart Simpson: Dad, before you jump to any conclusions...
Homer Simpson: Oh, please tell me they suffered.
[Patty and Selma appear]
Homer Simpson: G-G-G-hags!

Bart Simpson: Mom, where are you going?
Marge Simpson: Shopping. Whenever the town riots, the malls are empty. You stay here while I'm gone.
Bart Simpson: Oh, I hate being stuck inside.
Marge Simpson: You can play with your sister.
Bart Simpson: Mom, you don't play with Lisa, you play despite her.

Bart Simpson: Shall we let her live the rest of her life out in the wild, or in captivity like Grandpa?
Grampa Simpson: Hey, in my mind, I'm free!
Dream Grampa: [Inside a cage in Grandpa's mind] No you're not, ya idjit.
Grampa Simpson: Oh.


"The Simpsons: Day of the Jackanapes (#12.13)" (2001)
[Sideshow Bob is trying to hypnotise Bart]
Sideshow Bob: You are in my power.
Bart Simpson: I am at your command.
Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.
Bart Simpson: I am in your power.
Sideshow Bob: Excellent! Actually, go back to command. No... power, power!

Sideshow Bob: Rakes, my arch enemy.
Bart: I thought I was your arch enemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside you, Bart.

Sideshow Bob: [hypnotizing Bart] You are in my power.
Bart: [in a hypnotic voice] I am at your command.
Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.
Bart: I am in your power.
Sideshow Bob: That's better. No, go back to command. I like that better.


"The Simpsons: Crook and Ladder (#18.19)" (2007)
Bart: Why am I sleeping, when next door is every kid's dream? A fat, easily susceptible zombie dad.
[Homer is under the effects of a sleeping pill]
Bart: Hey, zombie. Want to come outside and play?
Homer: Zombie kill.
Bart: No, play.
Homer: Zombie file grievance.

Homer: I can't wait for my first fire. Is that one?
Lisa: That's just someone barbecueing.
Homer: Oh. Is that one?
Bart: That's just a guy with red hair.
Homer: Oh.

Bart: And that's just one of the many fun things we can do.
Homer: Zombie montage.


"The Simpsons: Teenage Mutant Milk-Caused Hurdles (#27.11)" (2016)
Bart Simpson: [Thinking] I finally have a cool teacher! What am I doing? I'm sitting up straight, my hands are folded like a nerd...
Carol Berrera: Yes?
Bart Simpson: [Thinking] And now my hand is up! All right, time to show this naïve young veteran what happens when you call on Bart Simpson.
Bart Simpson: Ma'am, my name is Bart, and I am glad to have you as my teacher.
Bart Simpson: [Thinking] What the hell?

Carol Berrera: I have been looking at your file, and I'm worried that you're falling behind the other students.
Bart Simpson: I'm troubled, Ma'am. I need a firm but pretty hand.
Carol Berrera: Would you like to have Martin Prince tutor you?
Bart Simpson: No! Last time he went to my house, he talked about bird watching the whole time. Even my mom got sick of it, and she loves boredom.

Principal Skinner: Hello, Simpson. I've called you here to gloat.
Bart Simpson: I know about you and Barrera.
Principal Skinner: You mean you know about me and... Carol?
Bart Simpson: You know her first name?
Principal Skinner: Oh, I know her first and middle name. And I know a lot more than that. She likes that little shredded cheese in the salad bar.
Bart Simpson: Pfft! Everyone likes that.
Principal Skinner: Oh, I know even more. I know that she's never seen a single episode of Friends.
Bart Simpson: Not even the one with...
Principal Skinner: No a single one. And she has a cat with different colored eyes. Her name is Bowie.
Bart Simpson: Nooo!
Principal Skinner: Face it, Simpson. You can't compete with me. I can rent a car.


"The Simpsons: The Ned-Liest Catch (#22.22)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: You shouldn't be punished for something I did. You should just go unpunished forever.
Edna Krabappel: Half-assed apology accepted.

Edna Krabappel: You made a dummy of me?
Bart Simpson: I use it to workshop my pranks.

Bart Simpson: Having Krabappel next door is nothing but trouble. Kids and teachers can't live together. We're natural enemies, like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.
Homer Simpson: We need to break up Teachie and Preachie. Here's how we'll do it: I'll take Flanders to remind him of the care-free single life, and you scare Rod and Tod by telling them that Edna will be their evil stepmother.
Bart Simpson: If there's anything fairy tales have taught us is that first wives are perfect and second wives are horrible.
Homer Simpson: Just the opposite of real life.


"The Simpsons: My Mother the Carjacker (#15.2)" (2003)
Gil: Now Lisa, would you agree that your grandmother is a sweet, harmless woman who could hardly be considered a menace to society?
Lisa Simpson: If you ask me, she's less dangerous than Bart.
Bart Simpson: If it please the court, I would like to go ape on my sister.

Homer Simpson: I couldn't sleep because I thought there might be a sign of my mom in one of these articles. They never did find her body.
Bart Simpson: Then what was in the coffin?
Homer Simpson: Last week's garbage. I missed the pickup date.

Homer Simpson: [to a sleeping Bart] Psst... hey pal. Hey buddy, wake up. Wanna go on an adventure with your old man?
Bart Simpson: No...
Homer Simpson: You have no choice.
[camera pulls back to reveal they're already driving in the car]
Homer Simpson: There's coffee in the thermos.


"The Simpsons: Chief of Hearts (#21.18)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Hey, dinks. Whatcha dweebing?

Bart Simpson: [Watching Marge ransack his room] Mom, finally! You made my room cool!
Marge Simpson: Bart, are you a druggo?
Bart Simpson: A druggo? No way! Not until you raise my allowance.

Bart Simpson: Come on, toilet. If you can handle Dad, you can handle anything.


"The Simpsons: The Front (#4.19)" (1993)
Bart Simpson: Grampa, we need to know your first name.
Grampa: [gasps] You're making my tombstone?
Lisa Simpson: No, no, we're just curious.
Grampa: All right, let's see. First name, first name... well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear.
[pulls them out]
Grampa: It holds the answer to all the important questions.
[reads]
Grampa: "Call me... Abraham Simpson."
Lisa Simpson: Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?
Grampa: ...I don't know.

[Bart and Lisa explain that they used Grampa's name on their script]
Bart Simpson: Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
Grampa: I figured 'cause the Democrats were in power again.

Lisa Simpson: It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.
[Homer walks in, with a plunger stuck on his head]
Homer: Marge, it happened again!
[he wrenches at it, but only pulls off the handle]
Bart Simpson: What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up?
Lisa Simpson: Lois Sanborn.
Bart Simpson: [points to himself] Steve Bennett.


"The Simpsons: Moe Letter Blues (#21.21)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Dad, what did mom mean when she said she had to take care of something?
Homer Simpson: Son, I'm something of an expert on women, and if I've learned something is that they never mean anything about anything.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's a very dangerous attitude to have about your wife.
Homer Simpson: Honey, I hear what you're saying.
Homer Simpson: [whispering to Bart] Nothing.

Bart Simpson: [Locking up Apu's kids in a cell at the Civil War fort] You Rebel punks make me sick!
[cracks a whip]
Bart Simpson: This is for what you Graybacks did to our boys at Andersonville!
Lisa Simpson: When cruelty is involved, Bart sure knows his history.


"The Simpsons: Mona Leaves-a (#19.19)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: Maggie's thing? She won't even remember it.
Marge Simpson: You never remember the nice things we do for you.
Bart Simpson: Like what?
Marge Simpson: Food.
Bart Simpson: Pass!
Marge Simpson: Shelter.
Bart Simpson: That dump?
Marge Simpson: Clothing.
Bart Simpson: I wouldn't blow my nose on this!
[takes off sweater and throws it in the trash]

Mona Simpson: To Lisa, I give something not even the government can take from you: my rebellious spirit.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, grandma. I accept your gift.
Bart Simpson: Lisa got nothing! Lisa got nothing!


"The Simpsons: Two Bad Neighbors (#7.13)" (1996)
George Bush: You know, in my day, little boys didn't call their elders by their first names.
Bart: Yeah, well, welcome to the 20th century, George.

Bart: Hey, nice pajamas.
George Bush: They're presidential pajamas. You have to be president. And *you're* not president.
Bart: Yes I am.
George Bush: No you're not! Bar!


"The Simpsons: Dumbbell Indemnity (#9.16)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath.
Bart Simpson: Yeah, Mom says a lot of things.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man.

[Homer is sitting at the dinner table in all black with a balaclava on his head]
Marge: Why all the black?
Homer: Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything?
Lisa: You look a little nervous, Dad.
Homer: No, *you* look a little nervous, Lisa.
Bart: You're up to something, aren't you, Dad?
Homer: NO. I'm just going out now to commit certain deeds.


"The Simpsons: Love Is a Many Strangled Thing (#22.17)" (2011)
Edna Krabappel: Bart Simpson. What would your father say if he knew what you were doing?
Bart Simpson: He'd say, "I'm a grown man who's scared of my son."
Edna Krabappel: I find that hard to believe.
Bart Simpson: Oh yeah? Look.
[points to Homer]
Homer Simpson: [writing "I'm a grown man who's afraid of his own son" on chalkboard] How many more, sir?
Bart Simpson: Fill the board, then wash my car.
[Tosses set of keys at Homer]
Homer Simpson: But these are my keys!
Bart Simpson: What was that?
Homer Simpson: My keys... ter is ready for another whooping, sir.

Bart Simpson: Can't talk now. Texting.
Moe Szyslak: Ooh, a text. Heh. Let's see... text message for I.M. A. Weiner. As you can all see, I.M. A. Weiner.
Barney Gumble: [the barflies all laugh] I see it, Moe!
Moe Szyslak: Why you... when I...
[texting]
Moe Szyslak: "When I a hold of you..." Oh, damn it, I typed a 'F' and not a 'D'. Uh... delete, delete, delete, delete. Oh, crap, I just donated $20 to Haiti.


"The Simpsons: The Fight Before Christmas (#22.8)" (2010)
Martha Claus: You boys want to play soldier?
Bart Simpson: I can't think of a better way to celebrate Jesus' birthday.
[Martha puts poker stands on Bart's and Milhouse's heads, then wraps red tape around their bodies]
Milhouse Van Houten: I don't think I like where this is going.
Martha Claus: [Wraps tape over Milhouse's and Bart's mouths] I don't think anyone asked your opinion.

Bart Simpson: Isn't this the busy season? Where are the other elves?
Milhouse Van Houten: Laid off.
Nelson Muntz: Ever since NAFTA, all the jobs have been going to the South Pole.


"The Simpsons: The Parent Rap (#13.2)" (2001)
Judge Constance Harm: Grand theft auto?
Bart Simpson: It was an accident, ma'am.
Judge Constance Harm: Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me its frosting.
Homer Simpson: What did she say about cupcakes?

Edna Krabappel: Okay, now who can pick out the predicate in this sentence?
Homer Simpson: Ahhh!
Edna Krabappel: What is it now, Bart?
Bart Simpson: Night terrors.
Homer Simpson: Ahh! Cobras!


"The Simpsons: Adventures in Baby-Getting (#24.3)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: [after the car falls in the sinkhole] Oh, no! Lisa's face! It's exactly the same! Ha-ha-ha!

Lisa Simpson: What are you doing in my room?
Bart Simpson: Just came to check on your shades. Wouldn't want your carpet to fade.
[Leaves, then comes back to look at Lisa suspiciously; leaves again, then returns]
Bart Simpson: What are you doing Tuesdays and Thrusdays after school?
Lisa Simpson: What are *you* doing Tuesdays and Thrusdays after school?
Bart Simpson: Mostly writing on the chalkboard. I'm open to suggestions. Seriously, I'm starting to run out of ideas. Now what are you up to?
Lisa Simpson: A lady never tells, a gentleman never asks.
Bart Simpson: That's good. Can I use it for the chalkboard?
Lisa Simpson: Sure.
Bart Simpson: [Speaking into recorder] A lady never tells, a gentleman never asks. Now I need something for Martin Luther King Day.


"The Simpsons: Walking Big & Tall (#26.13)" (2015)
Bart Simpson: We make a great brother-sister team, like Andy and Lana Wachowski.
Lisa Simpson: Should we hug?
Bart Simpson: Let's fist bump through a towel.
Lisa Simpson: Works for me.

Lisa Simpson: Take it, Bart!
Bart Simpson: You take it.
Lisa Simpson: I gave it to you!
Bart Simpson: And I refuse to take it!


"The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (#18.18)" (2007)
Bart Simpson: Behold, my naked butt! Each cheek is a god to you!

Milhouse van Houten: I got it! I got it!
Bart Simpson: [Pushes Milhouse away and catches the ball] I hogged it! I hogged it!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IX (#10.4)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: Hey Lis, we're characters in a cartoon!
Lisa Simpson: How humiliating.

[after being transported into the "Itchy & Scratchy Show"]
Bart: Lise, look. We're characters in a cartoon show.
Lisa: How humiliating.


"The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (#2.11)" (1991)
Marge: Hmm, there is that new sushi restaurant on Elm Street.
Bart: Sushi? Hey, maybe this is just one of those things you hear on the playground, but isn't that raw fish?
Lisa: As usual, the playground has the facts right, but misses the point entirely.

Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern, birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butts.
Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butts!
[the barflies laugh]
Moe: Oh, wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus bucket. When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyes with a corkscrew!
[Bart and Lisa roar with laughter]


"The Simpsons: Margical History Tour (#15.11)" (2004)
Bart Simpson: Mom, everyone who ever lived is boring.

Bart Simpson: [Bart, as the boy Mozart, is accepting an award as Outstanding Composer Age 10 and Under"] I want to see you all next week at my concert in KRAKOW!
[as he says this, he turns and "moons" the audience]


"The Simpsons: The Italian Bob (#17.8)" (2005)
Bart Simpson: We're in a foreign city with no car, being stalked by a killer. I feel like I'm The Bourne Identity.

Bart Simpson: Please help us, Krusty. We don't want to be the first Christians to die at the Colosseum!


"The Simpsons: A Star Is Burns (#6.18)" (1995)
Barney: Next they're gonna show my movie.
Bart: You made a movie ?
Barney: I made a movie? I wonder why there was a picture of me on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.
[Barney holds up an Entertainment Weekly featuring him in a somber, dramatic pose]

[Bart finds Jay Sherman hanging from the roof by his underwear]
Bart: [laughs] You bad-mouthed MacGyver, din't you?


"The Simpsons: The President Wore Pearls (#15.3)" (2003)
Seymour: [singing] I'm so happy with my evil plan. Say goodbye to music, gym, and art. Soon we will have the perfect school... where fun and excitement never starts.
Groundskeeper Willie: I'm so drunk I can barely see. But it helps me get through another day. My stomach is filled with haggis and ham. I've got to go puke in some hole.
Bart: Lisa is a fool.
Seymour: I think the rules are cool.
Groundskeeper Willie: I'm falling in the pool!

Bart: Lis, you made the school worse than it already was. It wasn't exactly San Diego State to begin with.


"The Simpsons: Worst Episode Ever (#12.11)" (2001)
[after Bart and Milhouse are left in charge of the comic book shop]
Milhouse: Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions: A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting...
Bart: That's just his shopping list.
Milhouse: No, it's his instructions.

[Bart and Milhouse are watching a secret tape of police informants]
Ned Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch.
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
Ned Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor.
Bart: It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.


"The Simpsons: Whiskey Business (#24.19)" (2013)
Abraham Simpson: I want a foot rub.
Bart Simpson: But do you need a foot rub?
Abraham Simpson: No one needs a foot rub. Now start rubbing!

Bart Simpson: So I did all of that for nothing?
Abraham Simpson: Sorry, I faked it like we fake loving your homemade gifts.
Bart Simpson: But mom said it was made with love.
Abraham Simpson: Did she?
Bart Simpson: No.
Abraham Simpson: But what you did wasn't for nothing. You made these last two weeks the best two weeks of this horrible part of my life.
Bart Simpson: Aw, Grampa. You're the one thing I've ever taken care of that didn't die.
Abraham Simpson: I get that a lot.


"The Simpsons: Boy Scoutz 'n the Hood (#5.8)" (1993)
Bart: Ooohh, my head.
Lisa: The remorse of the sugar junkie.

[Bart gets involved with the Junior Campers]
Ned Flanders: Hi-di-ly-hey, Camper Bart! You ready for today's meeting?
Bart: [saluting] You know-dilly know it, Neddy!
Ned Flanders: Okily-dokily!


"The Simpsons: E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) (#11.5)" (1999)
Homer: Go get Lassie!
Bart: Lassie?
Homer: I mean Lisa.

Bart: I'll dig an outhouse.
Lisa: I'll weed the floor.
Marge: I'll repress the rage I'm feeling!


"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Busted (#1.12)" (1990)
Bart: I know Krusty's innocent, and I think I can prove it. But I need your help.
Lisa: You do? Why?
Bart: Oh, come on, you know why.
Lisa: No, why?
Bart: I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but... you're smarter than me.

Bart: Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't commit that robbery! Sideshow Bob framed him! And I have proof!
[He grabs a comedy mallet and brings it down hard on the end of Bob's clown shoe]
Sideshow Bob: OW, MY FOOT, YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!
[He hops around, clutching his foot. The children recognize the voice and words of the armed robber from the surveillance video, and gasp]
Bart: Krusty wore big, floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people.
[He slams the mallet down on Bob's other foot, and Bob yells and falls down. Bart pulls off his shoe]
Bart: But Sideshow Bob really filled his shoes with big, ugly feet!


"The Simpsons: The Boy Who Knew Too Much (#5.20)" (1994)
[Bart has just testified for Freddy Quimby and admitted to skipping school]
Principal Skinner: I'm impressed with what you did in there, Bart. You testified for the Quimby boy even though it was putting your own head in a noose. Nevertheless, you did skip school.
Bart: So, I guess the two things sorta cancel each other out, right?
Principal Skinner: I'm a small man in some ways, Bart. A small, petty man. Three months detention.
[Bart begins to walk away]
Principal Skinner: Wait a minute, Bart.
[Skinner thinks for a few moments]
Principal Skinner: Make that... *four* months detention.

Bart: Hey McBain! I'm a big fan but your last movie really sucked.
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: I know. There were script problems from day one.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah I'll say. MAGIC TICKET MY ASS MCBAIN!
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Maria! My mighty heart is breaking. I'll be in the Humvee.


"The Simpsons: Homer Badman (#6.9)" (1994)
Bart Simpson: So, you're one of those "don't-call-me-a-chick" chicks?

Bart Simpson: Why would anybody want to touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from!


"The Simpsons: The Squirt and the Whale (#21.19)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: I tried my best. I know it's hard to find out your father isn't perfect.
Bart Simpson: Perfect father? That's for sure.
Homer Simpson: I'm trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron!

Bart Simpson: This is going to be the biggest dead thing we've ever poked with a stick.
Milhouse Van Houten: If only that flattened squirrel could see us now.


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Beauty Queen (#4.4)" (1992)
[as Bart demonstrates walking in heels]
Lisa: Do you really think I can win?
Bart Simpson: Hey, I'm starting to think I can win.
Lisa: But those other girls are prettier than me!
Bart Simpson: Lis, as your brother, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to say... you're not ugly.
Lisa: Oh, Bart!
[throws her arms around him]

[after Lisa loses the pageant, the family is watching the winner being crowned; it starts to rain]
Marge: Oh, dear. It would be such a shame if that pretty dress got wet.
Lisa: I'd say the bigger danger is her sceptre acting as a lightning rod. Unless it's made out of plastic.
[BOOM!]
Bart Simpson: Nope, metal.


"The Simpsons: That '90s Show (#19.11)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: The Nineties? Never heard of it.
Homer Simpson: It was a wild decade. The Gulf War was over once and for all, a struggling artist named Matt Groening hit it big with Futurama, and young people had faith in their dreams thanks to a little show called Melrose Place.

Bart Simpson: Mom, why did you stop talking for two and a half minutes?
Lisa Simpson: It felt like twenty.


"The Simpsons: Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Three Times (#18.11)" (2007)
[after "Bartman Begins" is finished]
Bart Simpson: So you see, dad, revenge is great, and now we have three ways to talk about it. Well, two of the ways were sort of the same, and even the third one would have worked out as a Halloween story.

Lisa Simpson: Papa, may we have petit four?
Bart Simpson: Papa, may we have pain au chocolat?
Homer Simpson: "May we"? "May we"? Mais oui!


"The Simpsons: The Great Wife Hope (#21.3)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: Dad loves Ultimate Punching more than I do. Tell her, dad.
Homer Simpson: [Flatly] Ultimate Punching is immoral and dangerous. Many studies confirm what your mom just said.
Bart Simpson: Wait a minute.
[Sniffs Homer's breath]
Bart Simpson: Chocolate, frosting, cherry... She got to you! With a piece of Bavarian chocolate cake!
Homer Simpson: [Crying] It wasn't just a piece, it was the whole cake! Frosting like snow, on the eaves of a Bavarian castle!
Bart Simpson: At least you didn't come cheap.
Homer Simpson: I couldn't help it! She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!

Bart Simpson: Sir, could you please sign my program with a swear word?
Homer Simpson: Yes, and make it filthy but obscure, with a subtle scatological undertone.
Chuck Liddell: That'll be fifty bucks.
Homer Simpson: Pay the man, boy.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror II (#3.7)" (1991)
[Bart and Lisa come back from trick-or-treating; Bart is dressed as an executioner, Lisa as a large totem pole]
Bart Simpson: Would have gotten even more if Lisa could walk faster!
Lisa Simpson: I didn't select this costume for mobility. I wore it to salute the noble Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest...
[Barts pokes her. She tips over with a yell]
Bart Simpson: Ha-ha-ha!

[Homer awakens with a scream]
Marge Simpson: Did you have a nightmare, Homey?
Homer Simpson: No, Bart bit me!
Bart Simpson: Hey man, you were crushing me! I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.


"The Simpsons: The Principal and the Pauper (#9.2)" (1997)
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: You know, where I come from, there's no better way to get acquainted by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance together.
[to Bart]
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Why don't you lead us, son?
Bart Simpson: Hey, America, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, America.
[makes a farting noise, the kids laugh]
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Well, that's very concise. But it's an insult to everything I suffered for. Now take a seat, junior, and listen to someone who gave their youth in service to their country. Mrs. "Crabapple", the pledge, please?
Mrs. Krabappel: You haven't dealt with women for a long time, have you, Sergeant?
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Are you asking me out?

[Bart is preparing a batch of appetizers for Skinner's party]
Lisa: What's with the dog food?
Bart: My theory is - Skinner likes dog food.
[both leave, Homer walks in the room]
Homer: Ooh, a fresh batch of American balls.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Odyssey (#1.3)" (1990)
Moe Szyslak: Moe's Tavern.
Bart Simpson: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe Szyslak: Who?
Bart Simpson: Freely. First initials I.P.
Moe Szyslak: Hold on, I'll check. Is I.P. Freely here? I.P. Freely!

[Bart is crank calling Moe's Tavern. Moe answers the phone]
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely. First initials, I. P.
Moe: Hey, everybody, I pee freely!


"The Simpsons: The Fabulous Faker Boy (#24.20)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: TV has gotten so lousy.
Milhouse Van Houten: Did you ever wonder if hippos think that rhinos are unicorns?
Bart Simpson: TV's not so bad.

Sideshow Mel: You may think that the slide whistle is just a whistle that slides. Let me disprove you of that notion.
[Plays "Flight of the Bumblebee" on slide whistle]
Bart Simpson: Pass.
Sideshow Mel: Do you have any idea how difficult...
Bart Simpson: Pass!
[Mel plays sad slide, then continues with "Flight of the Bumblebee]


"The Simpsons: Homer Goes to College (#5.3)" (1993)
Bart Simpson: Well, Pop, what are you gonna do?
Homer Simpson: Something I should have done a long time ago!
[long pause]
Marge Simpson: You don't know, do you?
Homer Simpson: No ma'am.

Bart Simpson: Dad, start digging some nerd holes!
Lisa Simpson: It's bad enough they put their retainers in the dishwasher; can't we do something?
Homer Simpson: Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony, right, Marge?
Marge Simpson: No, I want those geeks outta my house!


"The Simpsons: Flaming Moe's (#3.10)" (1991)
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check.
[calls]
Moe: Hugh Jass! Hey, I want a Hugh Jass! Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
Hugh Jass: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone.
Hugh Jass: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh, hi.
Hugh Jass: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh Jass: What can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta back-fired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh Jass: All right. Better luck next time.
[hangs up]
Hugh Jass: What a nice young man.

[Playing "Truth or Dare" at Lisa's slumber party, one of the girls is dared to kiss Bart. She jumps him and does so]
Bart: [spluttering] I'm telling Mom and Dad!
Lisa Simpson: You're telling who?
Bart: Mom and Dad!
Girls: MOM AND DAD? JINX!
Janey Powell: [singsong] Now you can't talk, 'til somebody says your name!
[the girls giggle. Bart runs into the living room, where Homer is watching TV. Bart points emphatically at himself]
Homer Simpson: What is it, boy? Is anything the matter, my son? Talk to me, young man.
[In exasperation, Bart writes "SAY MY NAME" on a pad of paper and shows it to Homer]
Homer Simpson: Say your name? Why should I do that, my lad?
Bart: [exploding] Because I'm jinxed, damn it!
[Homer punches him in the arm]
Bart: Ow! What was that for?
Homer Simpson: You talked while you were jinxed, I get to punch you in the arm. It's not my fault, it's the rules.


"The Simpsons: Brush with Greatness (#2.18)" (1991)
Bart Simpson: [sees the line] Ay carumba! Okay, Lis, turn on the waterworks, babe.
Lisa Simpson: [starts crying] Mommy! I want my mommy!
[using Lisa, Bart shoulders his way through the line]

Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?
Homer Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?
Homer Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?
Homer Simpson: No!
[series of dissolves, showing this continuing, ad infinitum, until Homer and Marge are in bed]
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?
Homer Simpson: NO! NO! NO!
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Will you take us-?
Homer Simpson: IF I TAKE YOU, WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP AND QUIT BUGGING ME?
Bart Simpson: Yeah!
Lisa Simpson: Of course!
Bart Simpson: Well?
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Thanks, Dad!


"The Simpsons: Blame It on Lisa (#13.15)" (2002)
Marge Simpson: It's awfully expensive to fly to Brazil.
Lisa Simpson: Not if we buy our tickets on the internet. It's really cheap if we change planes in Phoenix, Honolulu, Sun City, and East St. Louis, spend the night in a haunted house, and leave right now.
Homer Simpson: Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Brazil.
Bart Simpson: And I'll have been on every continent.
Lisa Simpson: Except Antarctica.
Homer Simpson: Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Antarctica.
[brief pause]
Homer Simpson: Next year. This year, Brazil.

Bart Simpson: Time for Brazil's favorite kids' show, Teleboobies.
[turns on TV]


"The Simpsons: The Good, the Sad and the Drugly (#20.17)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: If I had known setting the table was this easy, I would have done it years ago, instead of throwing all those tantrums.
Marge Simpson: Oh, Bart! You've finally become the kind of boy every mother dreams of: A girl!

Jenny: Are you trying to tell me our entire relationship is based on lies?
Bart Simpson: Not everything, just the things I said.


"The Simpsons: Apocalypse Cow (#19.17)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?
Homer Simpson: That's right.
Bart Simpson: But Wikipedia said he was passionate about rehearsal!
Homer Simpson: Don't you worry about Wikipedia; we'll change it when we get home.
[aside, squinty eye]
Homer Simpson: We'll change a lot of things.

Lisa Simpson: [after Lou the Calf has won a 4-H blue ribbon] Bart, you *do* know what comes next...?
Bart Simpson: Something comes next?


"The Simpsons: Home Away from Homer (#16.20)" (2005)
Bart: Mom, am I a butch or a femme?
Marge: [with hand lifted] Honey, you can be anything you want to be.

Bart: [after they watch a foreign film] I was so bored I cut the pony tail off the guy in front of us.
[holds pony tail to his head]
Bart: Look at me, I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old and I made $600 last year.
Marge: Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They've just made a terrible life choice.


"The Simpsons: Bart After Dark (#8.5)" (1996)
Bart Simpson: [dancing on the roof and singing] S-U-C-C-E-S-S, that's the way you spell "Success"!
[falls off roof]

Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Bart: No.
Homer: Knock yourself out.


"The Simpsons: Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-Annoyed-Grunt-cious (#8.13)" (1997)
Shary Bobbins: It's 8:00, children. Time for bed.
Lisa Simpson: But we're not sleepy.
Bart Simpson: Sing us a song, Shary Bobbins.
Lisa Simpson: Yes, sing us a song.
Shary Bobbins: I've been singing you songs all day. I'm not a bloody jukebox!

Bart Simpson: [watching the Krusty Komedy Klassic on TV] These specials get worse every year.


"The Simpsons: The War of Art (#25.15)" (2014)
Lisa Simpson: [Her guinea pig goes into a mousehole] He's in the walls. I hear chewing.
Bart Simpson: No, that's a much larger animal.
Homer Simpson: [In the kitchen on the other side of the wall] Kettlecorn: the heroin of the farmer's market.

Marge Simpson: Homer, that painting has torn the town apart, ruined Kirk and Luanne's marriage, and I'm worried about poor Milhouse.
Bart Simpson: He's been playing Dance Dance Revolution for hours, but the TV is off.


"The Simpsons: Marge Gets a Job (#4.7)" (1992)
Grampa Simpson: Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"?
Bart Simpson: I glanced at it. Boy cries wolf, has a few laughs... I forget how it ends.

[Bart is faking illness to get out of a test he hasn't prepared for]
Bart: Ohhhh, my ovaries!


"The Simpsons: Papa Don't Leech (#19.16)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: You'd think living in a house full of crazy people would be fun.

Marge Simpson: Lurleen, I'm sorry I called you all those names, like - oh, I don't even remember.
Homer Simpson: "Confederate degenerate"?
Lisa Simpson: "Southern-fried succubus"?
Bart Simpson: "Hee-Haw ho"?


"The Simpsons: Husbands and Knives (#19.7)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, are you all right? I see food on your plate instead of blurring motions.
Homer Simpson: Kids, daddy underwent a special procedure done so that he can be more attactive to your mother.
Bart Simpson: You had your hot dog plumped?
Homer Simpson: No, I had my stomach stapled.
[cuts up a piece of pizza, puts it in the blender, and drinks it]
Homer Simpson: Oh, all food tastes like barf now.

Bart Simpson: Alan Moore! You wrote my favorite Radioactive Man comics.
Alan Moore: Oh, really? You liked how I made your favorite superhero a heroin-addicted jazz critic who's not radioactive?
Bart Simpson: I don't read the words, I just like it when he punches people.


"The Simpsons: Once Upon a Time in Springfield (#21.10)" (2010)
Milhouse van Houten: First girls ruin Sex and the City, now this.
Lisa Simpson: I know she's a bit cliché, but she has a certain... Unicorn!
[Runs closer to TV]
Bart Simpson: Oh, please. That is so fake. You can see the strap.
Lisa Simpson: Shush! Just give me this!

Bart Simpson: Krusty has become the lowest form of life: a sidekick.
Milhouse van Houten: Way to sum up the situation, Bart!
Bart Simpson: Take it easy, little buddy.
Milhouse van Houten: That's exactly how I'll take it.


"The Simpsons: Whacking Day (#4.20)" (1993)
Bart: Whacking Day is a sham. It was originally conceived in 1922 as an excuse to beat up on the Irish.
Old Irishman: 'Tis true. I took many a lump, but 'twas all in good fun.

[asking the kids what they did in school]
Bart: I got expelled.
Homer: That's my boy!
[sips his beer]
Homer: Mmm, beer... *what*?


"The Simpsons: Dark Knight Court (#24.16)" (2013)
Abraham Simpson: Did you know I once argued in front of the Supreme Court?
Lisa Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson: Don't think so.
Abraham Simpson: Not a chance! I mean, yes.

Bart Simpson: Who plays chess over the mail when you can play it on the internet; or better yet, not play chess at all?


"The Simpsons: The Regina Monologues (#15.4)" (2003)
Ian McKellen: Please, take these free tickets to my play!
Homer: What? What play?
Ian McKellen: We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
Homer: You mean 'MacBeth'?
[a car splashes Ian McKellen]
Ian McKellen: Quiet, you plundering fool! You'll curse us all!
Homer: What, by saying 'MacBeth'?
[an anvil falls on Ian McKellen's foot]
Ian McKellen: OW! Stop saying it!
Homer: Saying what?
Ian McKellen: 'MACBETH'! Oh, now I've said it.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Bart Simpson: This is cool! 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning each time Bart says 'MacBeth']
Marge Simpson: Bart, stop saying 'MacBeth'!
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, you said 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Homer: Mr. 'MacBeth', I'm really sorry.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Ian McKellen: That's quite alright. You didn't know.

Edwina: Please, take these free tickets to my play!
Homer: What? What play?
Edwina: We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
Homer: You mean 'MacBeth'?
[a car splashes Ian McKellen]
Edwina: Quiet, you plundering fool! You'll curse us all!
Homer: What, by saying 'MacBeth'?
[an anvil falls on Ian McKellen's foot]
Edwina: OW! Stop saying it!
Homer: Saying what?
Edwina: 'MACBETH'! Oh, now I've said it.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Bart Simpson: This is cool! 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning each time Bart says 'MacBeth']
Ian McKellen: Bart, stop saying 'MacBeth'!
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, you said 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Homer: Mr. 'MacBeth', I'm really sorry.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Edwina: That's quite alright. You didn't know.


"The Simpsons: Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish (#2.4)" (1990)
Bart Simpson: Is your boss governor yet?
Homer Simpson: No, son, not yet.

Dave Shutton: What's your name, son?
Bart Simpson: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Dave Shutton: I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot, and I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders.
Bart Simpson: Well, this is my day, and we do, sir.


"The Simpsons: Bart the Fink (#7.15)" (1996)
Krusty the Clown: [upset about being ruined, to Bart] I was a big cheese, I was a huge cheese! But now look at me- I gotta ride the bus like a schnook, I gotta live in an apartment like an *idiot*!
[starts shouting]
Krusty the Clown: I gotta wait in line with nobodies
[voice gets louder]
Krusty the Clown: to buy groceries
[voice gets louder again]
Krusty the Clown: from a failure!
Bart Simpson: Well if it'll make you feel better, you could punch me in the face.
Krusty the Clown: [prepares to punch Bart, stops] Nah, forget it. Go home, kid.
[Bart leaves, Krusty looks down in depression]

Bart Simpson: Are you Rory B. Bellows?
Krusty the Clown: Yes.
Bart Simpson: How about Krusty the Clown?
Krusty the Clown: Sorry, I don't do impressions.
Bart Simpson: Well if you're not Krusty, how come you have the exact same signature as him?
Krusty the Clown: I'm Rory Bellows, I tell ya! And I got a lot of corroborating evidence over here... by the throttle!
[Krusty throws the throttle only to find out the boat is tied to to the dock]
Krusty the Clown: You know you two could've said something 'stead of me making an ass of myself.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Smithers (#7.17)" (1996)
Bart Simpson: [Homer is eating fruit from a fruit basket he has received from Smithers] What'd you get that for?
Homer: For knocking Mr. Burns out of a third storey window.
Bart Simpson: Makes sense to me.
Lisa Simpson: Did he die?
Homer: What am I, a Doctor?

Bart Simpson: [Homer is asleep on the couch] Look alive, Simpson! I'm not paying you to goldbrick!
[Claps hands]
Homer: Yes! Yes, sir.
Bart Simpson: [Hands him a Math book and a pencil] Now get cracking on my long division, and don't forget to show your work, Simpson.
Homer: I'll have it on your desk in the morning, sir.
Lisa Simpson: Bart! Leave Simpson alone!
[Whispering in Homer's ear]
Lisa Simpson: Simpson, I need a ride to the library.
Homer: Yes, sir.
Marge Simpson: Kids! Stop exploiting your father! Homie, why don't you lie down and relax?
Homer: No time, Marge. I think Mr. Burns wants me to do some long division.
Marge Simpson: Simpson, lie down! Sorry, but you need a good night's rest.


"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: Oh, hi, kids. You're just in time to go to the dentist.
Bart Simpson: Dentist? You said we were going dirt biking through the cementery.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, Bart. You keep falling for that one every six months.
Homer Simpson: [Carrying a dirt bike] Check it out, suckers! Marge is taking me dirt biking through the cementery.
Lisa Simpson: No, dad. You're going to the dentist too.
Homer Simpson: "Why the cementery?", I wondered, but my dreams were too strong.

Marge Simpson: Don't you just love that fresh mouth feeling?
Homer Simpson: Who wants ice-cream?
Bart Simpson: I can't wait to get the freshness out of my mouth.
Homer Simpson: I'm gonna glue my mouth shut with butterscotch.
Marge Simpson: [weakly] Oh, yay.


The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)
Bart Simpson: Ah, just the thing for outer space.

Bart Simpson: You're late for the nerd rodeo.


"The Simpsons: Funeral for a Fiend (#19.8)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: That's funny. There's nobody here.
Homer Simpson: More ribs for me!
Bart Simpson: There are no tables or chairs.
Homer Simpson: More ribs for me!
Lisa Simpson: And there's no sign of an oven, kitchen or food anywhere.
Homer Simpson: [uneasy] More ribs for me?

Bart Simpson: Nice try, Sideshow Bob. But you didn't count on one thing.
Sideshow Bob: What's that?
Bart Simpson: You stink like my butt! Take him away, boys.
Sideshow Bob: Why must I feed him straight lines?


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Drama Queen (#20.9)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: Why do we have to go to the rec center? I wanna play with my friends.
Homer Simpson: When you're older, you'll miss going to these little activities.
Lisa Simpson: Why aren't you going to these little activities?
Homer Simpson: Uh, because no one can make me.

Lisa Simpson: You can't keep us apart. I'll disobey!
Marge Simpson: I'm Bart Simpson's mother. You think you know any tricks I haven't seen?
[after Marge leaves, Lisa sneaks out the window and climbs down the tree, but Marge is waiting beneath with a laundry basket]
Marge Simpson: Bart Simpson, age 3.
[after they leave, Bart comes out of a hidden door in the tree, wearing ninja clothes and holding a skateboard]
Bart Simpson: Bart Simpson, age 10.


"The Simpsons: Trash of the Titans (#9.22)" (1998)
Marge Simpson: Homer, this has gone far enough. Will you please just apologize to the garbage men?
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, Dad. You're always telling me and Bart to apologize.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, but I'm always secretly disappointed when you do. Anyway, I think those garbage men are starting to crack.
Bart Simpson: I think you're starting to crack.
Homer Simpson: Apologize for that remark!
Bart Simpson: No way!
Homer Simpson: Atta-boy!

Bart Simpson: [over loud speaker] Hey everybody, vote for my dad, Homer Simpson. If you don't he'll beat us.
Homer Simpson: [over loud speaker] Why you little... er... No one's gonna beat you, son.
[under his breath, but still audible]
Homer Simpson: You're gonna get such a beating!


"The Simpsons: Regarding Margie (#17.20)" (2006)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, please don't leave.
Bart Simpson: My grades will suffer. In fact, they're suffering now.
[Shows him his report card]
Bart Simpson: Look at this garden of 'F's. You planted them all!

Bart Simpson: Dad, isn't it wrong to read or eat other people's mail?
Homer Simpson: Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad news: bills, court summons, Entertainment Weekly. Now for the first time in my life, I'm getting rich people mail. You wouldn't take that away from me, would you?
Bart Simpson: Oh, dad. Nobody can rationalize like you.


"The Simpsons: Jaws Wired Shut (#13.9)" (2002)
Bart: Well, Milhouse. Ready to imitate that Jackass show?
Milhouse: The disclaimers make me want to do it more.

Homer: Stop the madness! Start the movie!
Lisa: Maybe we should try to calm dad down.
Bart: I prefer to egg him on. Hey, dad, has the movie started yet?
Homer: [hysterical scream] YAAAHHHHHH!


"The Simpsons: Much Apu About Something (#27.12)" (2016)
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Can we go to see the new statue, Dad? Can we, can we, can we?
Homer Simpson: It's not going to be as good as you think it is.
Lisa Simpson: Nothing ever is.
Bart Simpson: Plus it means a Saturday with us away from the house.
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson, Homer Simpson: Can we, can we, can we?
Homer Simpson: Wait, I'm me!

Bart Simpson: I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything.
Homer Simpson: You did do it, I saw you do it, and here's proof!


"The Simpsons: Simpsorama (#26.6)" (2014)
Homer Simpson: Don't drink my loved ones!
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass!
Homer Simpson: A robot with a catchphrase!
Bart Simpson: Hey, Homer, you gonna kiss him or kill him?

Marge Simpson: What was that?
Lisa Simpson: Probably another piece of America's space junk falling out of orbit.
Bart Simpson: Anyone remember when this country didn't suck? Cause I don't.


"The Simpsons: Marge Simpson in 'Screaming Yellow Honkers' (#10.15)" (1999)
Bart Simpson: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

[while watching a faculty talent show]
Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.


"The Simpsons: The Wandering Juvie (#15.16)" (2004)
Bart Simpson: Wait, do you even have a family?
Gina: No, they're imaginary - like your brain!

Bart Simpson: I hate this place! The boys beat me up, the girls beat me up.
Marge Simpson: Honey, you shouldn't hang around with people who beat you. They're not true friends!


"The Simpsons: Mathlete's Feat (#26.22)" (2015)
Bart Simpson: [after Rick and Morty horribly mutate the Simpsons] No more guest animators, man!

Bart Simpson: No one told me there would be math!
Lisa Simpson: We said there would be nothing but math. And you're our math team captain.
Bart Simpson: I thought I wouldn't have to do anything, like an Italian cruise captain.
Luigi Risotto: You're lucky that captain isn't here right now to answer your insult! He'd crash his ship right into your house!


"The Simpsons: Homer the Moe (#13.3)" (2001)
[while Moe is away, Homer is in charge of the bar]
Homer: [picks up phone] Hello?
Bart: Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger. First name Ollie.
Homer: Ooh, Bart. My first prank call. What do I do?
Bart: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.
Homer: I don't get it.
Bart: Yell out "I'll eat a booger".
Homer: What's the gag?
Bart: [sighs] Oh, forget it.
[hangs up]

Dr. Bob Kaufmann: Is there a lot of screaming at your house?
Bart: Well, my dad's always yelling about the white man keeping him down.


"The Simpsons: To Cur with Love (#24.8)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: Santa's Little Helper! Santa's Little Helper!
Lisa Simpson: I love that dog, but that is one long, stupid name.

Bart Simpson: Your stories have endings now?
Grampa: Yup, ever since they started putting something in the jello at the home.


"The Simpsons: The Great Louse Detective (#14.6)" (2002)
[Chief Wiggum reveals Sideshow Bob as the criminal who will help catch whomever wants Homer dead]
Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Ahhh! Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, come now. We've been through so much. Just call me Bob.
Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Ahhh! Bob!

Bart, Lisa: Aah! Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Please, we've been through so much together. Call me Bob.
Bart, Lisa: Aah! Bob!


"The Simpsons: Homer the Great (#6.12)" (1995)
Bart: Dad, remember those self-hypnosis courses we took to help us ignore Grampa?
Homer: Do I ever! It's five years later and I still think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge!
Marge: I know, I know.

Marge Simpson: Kids can be so cruel.
Bart Simpson: [walking by] We can? Thanks Mom!
[runs off]
Lisa Simpson: Ow, cut it out Bart!


"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming (#7.9)" (1995)
Bart Simpson: [Unbeknownst to Lisa, Bart is not wearing any underwear] Ahhh! Free and easy, Lis'! There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for pure comfort.
Lisa Simpson: Huh? Bart we need to get out of here! Mom and Dad are probably worried sick!
[She hears someone approaching]
Lisa Simpson: Shh! Hide!
[Both her and Bart leap into a nearby bush as the Colonel and his aide walk past]
Col. Leslie "Hap" Hapablap: You know what really frosts my Kelvinator? That coward is still laughing at us from his damn hidey-hole.
Private: I'd rather take an order from Bill Clinton than have to listen to that guy's snooty, high-toned voice again, sir!
Lisa Simpson: [after the Colonel is gone] ... High toned voice... Bart, that's it! I know where Sideshow Bob is hiding!
[Lisa runs to Bob's hideout, with Bart following]
Lisa Simpson: When Bob was on the TV earlier, his voice was higher that normal, and what makes your voice high?
Bart Simpson: Tight, binding underwear?
Lisa Simpson: Helium! Sideshow Bob is in the Duff blimp!

[Bart isn't wearing underwear]
Bart Simpson: Free and easy, Lis. There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for maximum comfort.
Lisa: What are you talking about?


"The Simpsons: Moaning Lisa (#1.6)" (1990)
Bart Simpson: I didn't do it. No one saw me do it. You can't prove anything.

Bart Simpson: Is Jacques there?
Moe Szyslak: Who?
Bart Simpson: Jacques, last name Strap.
Moe Szyslak: Hold on. Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!


"The Simpsons: Homer Alone (#3.15)" (1992)
Bart: I've said it before, and I'll say it again... aye carumba!

[last lines; Marge is home after taking a vacation by herself, and the house nearly went to pieces without her]
Marge Simpson: And from now on, I expect you to help out a little more at home.
Homer Simpson: You got it, honey. Do you have enough blanket?
Marge Simpson: Well, I could use a little more. And I also need to have a little time to myself now and again...
Bart: Mom?
[Widen to show that Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are sharing the bed with Homer and Marge]
Bart: I think I speak for everyone in this bed when I say you have nothing to worry about. Now let's just try to get a little shut-eye, huh?
[He turns out the light. The whole family lets out a sigh. Marge and Homer's eyes close, then Bart and Lisa's. Finally, Maggie's eyes droop, and close]


"The Simpsons: The Fool Monty (#22.6)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: This town may not be able to teach its children or collect its garbage, but we lead the nation in pointless revenge.

Mr. Burns: You my daddy mommy puppy?
Bart Simpson: Whoa! That fall must have turned your brains to oatmeal.
Mr. Burns: My name oatmeal?
Bart Simpson: This is too weird.
[Leaves]
Mr. Burns: Wait for oatmeal.


"The Simpsons: Bart the Lover (#3.16)" (1992)
[Writing a farewell love letter to Mrs. Krabappel]
Bart Simpson: How about, "an alligator bit off my face."
Marge Simpson: That's disgusting! And besides, if a woman really loves a man, she doesn't care if an alligator bites off his face.
Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge.

Lisa Simpson: Now we need to find a way to end it.
Homer: How about, "with a love that will echo through the ages..."
Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson: Awww...
Bart Simpson: Homer, you old honey dripper!


"The Simpsons: The Bart of War (#14.21)" (2003)
Bart Simpson: [after the Calvary kids have won the prize for most boxes of candy sold even though their candy contained laxatives] I guess that's it, they beat us
Nelson Muntz: At least we made a lot of people sick
Homer Simpson: Well I'm not finished, where does it say we have to be gracious in defeat?
Bart Simpson: Its on the back of our vests
Homer Simpson: Marge remove that stitching

Bart Simpson: Someone's cleaned our field!
Nelson Muntz: Its awful it looks like Wisconsin


"The Simpsons: Little Big Mom (#11.10)" (2000)
Homer Simpson: Leprosy? I can't believe it. That fortune cookie was right!
Bart Simpson: Why would God punish a kid? I mean, an American kid?

Bart: Stomp that pickle revert.
Otto: Sick lingos, boys.
Bart: I've gotta go to the bathroom.
Otto: Ah, ah, say it in snowboard.
Bart: Uh, I've gotta blast a dookie?
Otto: Dook on!


"The Simpsons: Hardly Kirk-ing (#24.13)" (2013)
Lisa Simpson: I'd better not get a backwards facing seat, or I'll get sick.
Bart Simpson: Well, if I see your face, I'll get sick.

Lisa Simpson: Your line of educational videos have turned my brother's brain into mush.
Bart Simpson: Pretty shapes tell me to kill everyone.


"The Simpsons: The Color Yellow (#21.13)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: [after blowing up a tree stump] Wait, here comes the mykia.
Groundskeeper Willie: What's a mykia?
[the stump falls on Skinner's car]
Principal Skinner: My Kia!

Lisa Simpson: Not only did we restore our familiy honor, it turns out we're one-fourth black.
Bart Simpson: So that's why I'm so cool.
Lisa Simpson: So that's why my jazz is so smooth.
Homer Simpson: So that's why I earn less than my white co-workers.


"The Simpsons: Diatribe of a Mad Housewife (#15.10)" (2004)
Bart Simpson: Dad, you've been driving in circles for 20 minutes.
Lisa Simpson: Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is?
Homer Simpson: Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere?

[Marge has written a book based on her and Homer]
Lisa: Dad will be upset when he reads that book.
Bart: He'll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make a movie out of it?
Bart: He'll never see it.
Lisa: What if they make a parody of it on Mad TV?
Bart: We're doomed!


"The Simpsons: The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson (#9.1)" (1997)
Bart Simpson: When I grow up, I wanna be in the Betty Ford Center.
Marge Simpson: You'd better start saving now, it's very expensive.
Lisa Simpson: Shh! They're strapping down Liza Minelli.

Bart Simpson: [after witnessing the craziness at the MAD Magazine offices] Wow! I will never wash these eyes again!


"The Simpsons: What to Expect When Bart's Expecting (#25.19)" (2014)
Bart Simpson: Every time I take art, some goody-goody teacher sends me to the school counselor.
Milhouse Van Houten: Your stuff is pretty disturbing.
Bart Simpson: I never acted on any of it.

Bart Simpson: I just don't like art.
Homer Simpson: No one does, son. That's why they lock it up in museums where no one can see it.


"The Simpsons: Tennis the Menace (#12.12)" (2001)
Homer: What are you kids doing?
Lisa, Bart: Practicing tennis
Homer: That's tennis? Then what's that sport where the chicks whale on each other?
Bart: Foxy Boxing?
Homer: [disappointedly] Yes. That's what I wanted. Oh.
[Homer cries]

[in Homer's dream]
Bart: He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun, but it was the perfect place to shoot him.


"The Simpsons: Homer at the Bat (#3.17)" (1992)
[Marge is filming Homer sitting in the dugout at a softball game. Homer starts to scratch his crotch]
Marge Simpson: Oh, dear.
[points the camera at her feet]
Marge Simpson: Children, tell me when your father stops scratching himself.
[long pause]
Marge Simpson: Kids...?
Bart Simpson: We'll tell you, Mom.

Homer Simpson: Where do you think you're going?
Lisa Simpson: To the game.
Homer Simpson: No, no! I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt!
Bart Simpson: We've seen it, Dad.


"The Simpsons: Maximum Homerdrive (#10.17)" (1999)
Homer Simpson: Don't you have school?
Bart Simpson: Don't you have work?
Homer Simpson: Ah, touche.

Homer: Hey, shouldn't you be at school?
Bart: Shouldn't you be at work?
Homer: Ah, touche.


"The Simpsons: The Haw-Hawked Couple (#18.8)" (2006)
[first lines]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, Bart's drinking coffee!
Bart Simpson: It's not coffee, it's hot Pepsi.

Marge Simpson: Bartholomew J. Simpson, how can you be so mean?
Bart Simpson: What are you going to do about it?
[Marge hits Bart on his head with a wooden spoon]
Bart Simpson: Hey!
Marge Simpson: I'll whack you with a whole salad set if you don't start thinking of others. You are going to that party!
Bart Simpson: Mom, I can't go. No one else is.
Marge Simpson: Well if no one else jumped off the Empire State Building would you not jump?
Bart Simpson: [confused pause] ... Kind of?


"The Simpsons: Summer of 4'2" (#7.25)" (1996)
Bart: Oh, this is the worst Fourth of July ever, I hate America.

Marge: Say bye bye to our house, Maggie! Bye bye tree!
Homer Simpson: Bye bye, work!
Bart: Bye bye, toothbrush
Lisa: Bye bye, Lisa Simpson


"The Simpsons: Homer's Barbershop Quartet (#5.1)" (1993)
Bart: That ain't been popular than aught-six, dag-nab it!
Homer: What did I tell you?
Bart: No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector. Consarn it.

Bart: How come we haven't heard anything about your second album?
Bart: What did you do, screw up like The Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. In fact, that was the title of our second album.


"The Simpsons: Bart to the Future (#11.17)" (2000)
Bart: I wasn't going to gamble. I just wanted a Bloody Mary.

Lisa Simpson: There you are! Come on, we have to go. Dad pushed a waitress and Mom lost 20.000 dollars.
Bart: You're not going to believe it, Lis. This cool Indian guy showed me our future.
Lisa Simpson: Really? Anything good?
Bart: I'll say! I've got my own band, and a moped.
Lisa Simpson: What about me?
Bart: Meh, some government job.


"The Simpsons: Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk (#3.11)" (1991)
[Rumors of a buyout at the power plant sends the employee's token stock offerings skyrocketing in value. Homer comes home]
Homer: Sorry, Marge. I already spent it.
Marge Simpson: On what?
Homer: Beer.
Selma Bouvier: Surprise, surprise.
Marge Simpson: You spent $5,200 on beer?
Homer: $5,200? What are you talking about?
[Marge points to the TV]
Homer: What?
[He crouches in front of the TV, seeing the closing price of the stock he sold, and screams]
Homer: I sold it all for 25 bucks!
[Bart kicks him in the butt, knocking his head into the TV]
Homer: OW!
Bart Simpson: Come on, everyone, it makes you feel better!

Moe Szyslak: Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
Bart Simpson: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem. First name Bea.
Moe Szyslak: Uh, yeah, just a minute. I'll check. Uh, Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem? Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
Barney Gumble: You sure do!


"The Simpsons: Wild Barts Can't Be Broken (#10.11)" (1999)
Bart: [In a creepy English accent] Join us tomorrow and everyday until the curfew is lifted as we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.
Bart: [In the same accent] And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa Simpson: It's not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything.
Homer Simpson: Well, if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them? Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse.
Bart: What about adultery?
Homer Simpson: Not until you're older, Son.


"The Simpsons: Dangers on a Train (#24.22)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: Mom! Lisa made me break that lamp!
Lisa Simpson: Mom! Bart is twisting the truth in an Orwellian fashion!
Marge Simpson: Can't I go a whole day without you two tattling on each other or using obscure references?
Lisa Simpson: Orwell, obscure? The author of Animal Farm?
Bart Simpson: Grampa said he was a Commie.
Marge Simpson: No tattling!

Homer Simpson: Do you think we'll last another 25 years?
Bart Simpson: [Looks at camera] Nothing should.


"The Simpsons: Politically Inept with Homer (#23.10)" (2012)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, how could you choose Ted Nugent for president? He's a right-wing rocker who likes everything I hate!
Bart Simpson: Could there be anyone more awesomer?
Ted Nugent: Who wants elk?
[Throws a dead elk on the table; Lisa screams and runs away]
Marge Simpson: My daughter is a vegetarian.
Ted Nugent: That's okay. She can nibble on one of the antlers. Antlers ain't meat.

Bart Simpson: From now on, if someone asks, I'll say you are my father.
Homer Simpson: Oh, son. Now I regret bad-mouthing you to that girl you like.


"The Simpsons: The Lastest Gun in the West (#13.12)" (2002)
Apu: [singing] Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above
Bart, Lisa, Ralph: [singing] Don't fence me in.
Apu: [singing] Sir you cannot pee unless you are an employee.
Homer Simpson: [singing] Can't keep it in.
[Homer kicks in the bathroom door and uses the facilities]

[Buck's house is garnished with steakhouse paraphernalia]
Bart: Wow. It's like you're living in a steakhouse.
Buck McCoy: Why, thank you. Most people just mutter that.


"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Maybe (#21.11)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: You should treat yourself. You work hard for us, or at least you're out a lot.
Homer Simpson: You're right. I have been acting like Telethon Jerry Lewis, when I should have been acting like rest-of-the-year Jerry Lewis.

Bart Simpson: Question: who says potahto?
Homer Simpson: Songwriters who are stuck on lyrics.


"The Simpsons: Moms I'd Like to Forget (#22.10)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: Rumble it is! Right after school! Rain or shine!
[Cut to everyone waiting in the rain]
Bart Simpson: So we wait for shine then?
[All agree]

Marge Simpson: We used to call ourselves the Cool Moms.
Bart Simpson: There is nothing cooler than calling yourself cool.


"The Simpsons: Homer Loves Flanders (#5.16)" (1994)
[Bart pulls two tickets out of his pockets]
Bart Simpson: Hey dad, sell you these for fifty bucks!
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! Sold!
[without a second thought, pulls out fifty dollars, hands it to Bart and takes his tickets. Bart happily runs out of the house]
Marge Simpson: Those aren't tickets to the game, Homer.
Homer Simpson: What do you mean? It says right here: "Free wig with every purchase of large wig. Downtown Wig Center."
[realizing he's been had]
Homer Simpson: Why, you little... !
[ponders]
Homer Simpson: Hmm, "free wig."
[imagines putting on Marge-type wig and humming]
Homer Simpson: [in Marge voice] I love you, Homie. Hmm.
[in normal voice]
Homer Simpson: Heh heh heh. I don't need her at all anymore.

Lisa: It seems every week the Simpsons go through a situation like this. My suggestion is to just ride it out, make the occasional smart-aleck quip, and next week, we'll return right to where we were, ready for another wacky adventure.
Bart: Aye carumba.
Lisa: That's the spirit.


"The Simpsons: Trilogy of Error (#12.18)" (2001)
Chief Wiggum: Your mission is to find the firework smugglers and get them to say something incriminating on this tape.
[Looks at tape]
Bart: Hootie and the Blowfish?
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, it's cheaper than blank tape.

Bart: What's it like riding a girl's bike?
Milhouse: It's disturbingly comfortable.


"The Simpsons: Selma's Choice (#4.13)" (1993)
Marge: Kids, your Great-Aunt Gladys has... passed on.
Bart Simpson: Gladys, Gladys... 'bout yea high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead?
Marge: No, honey, Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
Bart Simpson: [thinks, then shudders] Oh yeah, there she is.

Homer, Bart Simpson: [singing in the car] On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball...
Marge: If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral!
Homer: [singing] Ding-dong, the witch is dead!
Bart Simpson: Which old witch?
Homer: The Wicked Witch!


"The Simpsons: Ned 'N' Edna's Blend (#23.21)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: Hey, dad. Remember when you said that if Ned Flanders ever remarried you'd eat your hat?
Homer Simpson: [Looking up at the crown of thorns he's wearing] Oh!
[Takes a bite]
Homer Simpson: Ooh, licorice!
[Keeps eating]
Homer Simpson: Mmm, historically inaccurate.

Bart Simpson: Yo Homer, Mom says "get you fat ass over to Flanders'"!
Homer Simpson: Bart! Don't call me that!
Bart Simpson: Which one? Homer or Fatass?
Homer Simpson: Why you little!
[Strangles Bart]
Homer Simpson: They're both bad and I suspect you know it!
Bart Simpson: Get your hands off of me, you fat ass!


"The Simpsons: YOLO (#25.4)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Do you have a disrespectful son who calls you by your first name?
Eduardo: I cannot conceive of such a thing.
Bart Simpson: Hey, Homer. Did you just fart?
Homer Simpson: Did you just fart, sir!
Bart Simpson: Whatever.

Lisa Simpson: I'm going to tell.
Bart Simpson: No, you're not, because that would mean your system has failed.
Lisa Simpson: You found a loophole! Why don't you ever apply yourself like this in your work?
Bart Simpson: Because then I'd be the one thing I swore I'd never be: you.


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets an Elephant (#5.17)" (1994)
Homer: Well, these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance.
Bart: You'll have to raise my allowance to about a thousand dollars a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.

Bart: [protesting outside the radio station] I want my elephant! I want my elephant!
Abraham Simpson: They're playing that elephant song again.
Jasper Beardley: I love that. Reminds me of elephants.


"The Simpsons: White Christmas Blues (#25.8)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: When did everything turn to crap?
Marge Simpson: Bart! I don't want that kind of language in this house.
[Pours bag of "Fun size" candy canes into a bowl; picks one up and regards its tiny size]
Marge Simpson: [Thinking] Man, when did everything turn to crap?

Bart Simpson: Dad, I don't think you're giving them what they were promised.
Homer Simpson: The trick is to not read the comment cards.


"The Simpsons: Coming to Homerica (#20.21)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: Dad, are you sure you can put in these new rain gutters all by yourself?
Homer Simpson: Yeah, maybe you're right. I do have a bad history of going up on roofs and waking up in hospitals.

Bart Simpson: Mom says I can have ice cream for breakfast. Oh, she's still here. Mom, can I have ice cream for breakfast?
Marge Simpson: No way, mister! It's just chocolate chip pancakes and syrup for you.


"The Simpsons: A Midsummer's Nice Dream (#22.16)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: Who the hell are Cheech and Chong?
Homer Simpson: Who's Cheech and Chong? They were the Beavis and Butthead of their day.
Bart Simpson: Who's Beavis and Butthead?
Homer Simpson: Oh, I've failed as a parent! I swore the day you were born that you would appreciate stoner comedy.

Bart Simpson: Now, now, spirits, do not depart / Tis me, mischevious and puckish Bart / T'was not I the players did perturb / But the doings of a green and naughty herb / The gods have righted every wrong / Cheech has reunited with his Chong / And Homer is now back with mom / You can watch us tomorrow at Hulu.com.


"The Simpsons: Lard of the Dance (#10.1)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Okay, boy. This is where all the hard work, sacrifice, and painful scaldings pay off.
Employee: Four pounds of grease... that comes to... sixty-three cents.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
Bart Simpson: Dad, all that bacon cost twenty-seven dollars.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, but your mom paid for that!
Bart Simpson: But doesn't she get her money from you?
Homer Simpson: And I get my money from grease! What's the problem?

Homer Simpson: All right, son. We're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our heads in prayer. Dear Lord, I know you're busy, seeing as how you can watch women changing clothes and stuff. But if you help us steal this grease tonight, I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.
Bart Simpson: Dad, He's not stupid.
Homer Simpson: All right, screw it, let's roll!


"The Simpsons: Monty Can't Buy Me Love (#10.21)" (1999)
Marge Simpson: When was the last time we went for a good old-fashioned family walk?
Homer Simpson: Well, we stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry.
Marge Simpson: Oh, come on. Let's go for a walk. This family is getting so lazy.
Bart Simpson: I'm not lazy. I'm just... um, uh. Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Lisa Simpson: Why don't you finish your own darn...
[snores]

Marge: And our kids are getting lazy.
Bart: I'm not lazy, I'm... hey, Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Lisa: Why don't you finish your own darn...
[falls asleep, falls off couch]


"The Simpsons: The Otto Show (#3.22)" (1992)
Homer: Son, come here. Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the garage next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit, and your unicycle, and we'll go and watch TV.
Bart: What's on?
Homer: It doesn't matter.

[Otto needs to retake his driving test]
Bart: I know you can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I know.
Otto: Wow. I've never been referred to as an adult before. I've been tried as one.


"The Simpsons: Three Men and a Comic Book (#2.21)" (1991)
Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I am proud of you. I was twice your age when I figured that out.

[while Milhouse is dangling out of the treehouse, Bart is trying to pull him up with one hand, while reaching for the comic with the other]
Martin Prince: I'd like to point out that if I weren't tied up, I could be saving the comic as we speak.
Bart: Shut up, shut up!


"The Simpsons: Bart the Mother (#10.3)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: [Bart has raised lizard eggs, but they are to be destroyed] Everyone thinks they're monsters, but I raised them, and I love them! I know that's hard to understand.
Marge Simpson: Mmm...... Not as hard as you think.
[Whispers conspiratorially]
Marge Simpson: Run for it.
Bart Simpson: Really?
[Marge nods, and Bart kisses her on the cheek before running away]

Bart: But mom...
Marge: I just don't think it's a good idea
Bart: But mom!
Marge: Yes?
Bart: That's all I got...


"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
Homer: Are we gonna die son?
Bart: Yeah. But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us.

Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!
Crowd: [heading outside to the front steps while singing] Monorail... Monorail... Monoraaaaaaaaail! MONORAIL!
Homer: Mono - D'oh!


"The Simpsons: Marge Be Not Proud (#7.11)" (1995)
Don Brodka: Hey, kid; one more thing. If you ever set foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall. Capisce?
[Bart looks confused]
Don Brodka: Well, do you understand?
Bart Simpson: Everything except "capisce".

Bart Simpson: Buy me "Bonestorm" or go to hell!
Marge Simpson: Bart!
Homer Simpson: Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please".
Bart Simpson: It's the coolest video game ever!
Marge Simpson: I'm sorry, honey, but those games cost up to and including $70. And they're violent, and they distract you from your schoolwork.
Bart Simpson: Those are all good points, but the problem is, they don't result in me getting the game.
Homer Simpson: I know how you feel, Bart. When I was your age, I wanted an electric football game more than anything in the world. And my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life.
[pause]
Homer Simpson: Well, good night.


"The Simpsons: The Homer They Fall (#8.3)" (1996)
Comic Book Guy: Yes, I would like to return your quote-unquote *ultimate* belt.
Clerk: I see. Do you have a receipt, quote-unquote sir?
Comic Book Guy: No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at a Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no need of a medium-size belt.
Clerk: Wow, a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies... gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but no receipt, no return.
Bart: I'll give you four bucks for it.
Comic Book Guy: Very well. I must get back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than receive them.

Jimbo Jones: Hey Simpson, wanna trade belts?
Bart: Well, not really, 'cause yours is just a piece of extension cord.
Kearney Zzyzwicz: Hey dude, he's ragging on your cord.
Jimbo Jones: Get him!


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Skeptic (#9.8)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: Oh no, this can't be happening. What the hell are we going to do with ten thousand angel ash-trays?
Bart Simpson: I could take up smoking.
Homer Simpson: You damn well better.

[after the angel hoax is exposed]
Homer: What the hell are we going to do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?
Bart: I could take up smoking.
Homer: You damn well better.


"The Simpsons: The Joy of Sect (#9.13)" (1998)
Jane: A new and better life awaits you on our distant home planet, Blisstonia.
Homer Simpson: [gets given a leaflet] Hmm. Makes Sense.
Jane: We're having a free get-acquainted session at our resort this weekend.
Homer Simpson: How much is this free resort weekend?
Glen: It's free.
Homer Simpson: And when is this weekend?
Glen: It's this weekend.
Homer Simpson: Uh-huh. And how much does it cost?
Glen: Um, it's free.
Homer Simpson: I see. And when is it?
Glen: It's this weekend.
Homer Simpson: And what are you charging for this free weekend?
Bart Simpson: Come on, Dad. The team's arriving.
Homer Simpson: [being dragged away by Bart] It's free, right?

Fox TV announcer: You are watching Fox.
Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: [all in a trance] We are watching Fox.


"The Simpsons: E Pluribus Wiggum (#19.10)" (2008)
Lisa Simpson: Ralph can't be president. He's the dumbest person on the dumbest percentile group.
Homer Simpson: A president doesn't have to be smart. All he has to do is point the army and shoot.
Lisa Simpson: But he's eight, and the Constitution says you have to be thirty-five to be president.
Bart Simpson: Lis, I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed the Constitution to protect our rights.


"The Simpsons: Brick Like Me (#25.20)" (2014)
Bart Simpson: Is it just me, or does something seem weird today?
Marge Simpson: You're right. Something is very different about the Simpsons today. Your father is wearing a tie.
Bart Simpson: Oh, that's what's different!
Lisa Simpson: That's the one and only thing.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVI (#17.4)" (2005)
Robot: [Homer abandons Bart in the woods where he has to spend the night with robots] Don't fear us. We're gentle robots, who were cast-off just like you.
Bart Simpson: I'm not a robot. I'm human.
Robot: Tell me, young man, what is it like to have feelings?
Bart Simpson: I said I'm a human, not a girl.


"The Simpsons: The Bart Wants What It Wants (#13.11)" (2002)
Bart: This is Milhouse. He's my best friend, because... Well, geographical convenience.


"The Simpsons: Yellow Subterfuge (#25.7)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: As I always say, don't get mad, get dinner. Then get even... with Skinner.
Bart Simpson: You'll help me get revenge on Skinner?
Homer Simpson: Yes. Now, what's Skinner's weakness?
Bart Simpson: Everything.
Homer Simpson: Good. We can use that.


"The Simpsons: She of Little Faith (#13.6)" (2001)
[Homer is setting up a rocket Bart purchased]
Bart: This is gonna be cool.
Lisa: And also educational. We can learn about science.
Homer: Science.
Bart: Uh... she didn't say 'science', she said... 'pie pants'
Homer: Mmmm... pie pants...


"The Simpsons: I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot (#15.9)" (2004)
Bart Simpson: [watching videotape of his next opponent at the Robot Rumble easily destroy a Terminator cyborg] Sure he's tough, but he's never come up against a wooden mallet.


"The Simpsons: Simpsons Bible Stories (#10.18)" (1999)
Marge: It's the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Bart are you wearing clean underwear?
Bart: Not anymore.


"The Simpsons: Homie the Clown (#6.15)" (1995)
[hallucinates that the other Simpsons are clowns]
Homer: Marge?
Marge Simpson: Yes, Homie?
[starts humming the "Barnum and Bailey Circus" theme]
Homer: [no longer from his viewpoint] That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
[leaves]
Bart Simpson: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. the 18th Amendment (#8.18)" (1997)
Bart Simpson: Gee, Homer, you sure do suck tonight!
Homer Simpson: Yeah! Suck like a fox!


"The Simpsons: Children of a Lesser Clod (#12.20)" (2001)
[an African American man dressed like a Gangsta rapper stops Bart in the hallway]
Man: Hey, this class is aces. You go from 'slopper' to 'proper' like.
Bart: Cool.
[Rushes into the room where an old lady is teaching an etiquette class]
Old Lady: The proper gentlemen...
Bart: Etiquette class? But the guy outside said...
Old Lady: Are you accusing my husband of *misleading* you? Good gracious. I should bust a cap in your ass.


The Simpsons: Bart vs. the Space Mutants (1991) (VG)
Bart Simpson: Eat my shorts.


"The Simpsons: Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind (#19.9)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss.
Homer Simpson: Really? Who was it with?
Bart Simpson: Uh... Apu.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah.


"The Simpsons: The Dad Who Knew Too Little (#14.8)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: More free samples.
Bart Simpson: Dad, you ate all the free samples! Now you're eating man's slacks!
Homer Simpson: It's still better than Indian food.


"The Simpsons: Papa's Got a Brand New Badge (#13.22)" (2002)
Bart: Can I have a beer?
Homer: All right, but not the imported.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: You've got to set limits, Marge.


"The Simpsons: C. E. D'oh (#14.15)" (2003)
Homer: Well, kids, it's Valentine's Day. You know what that means?
Bart: We get to watch TV with the sound turned way up.
Lisa: What are you and mom going to be doing?
Homer: Oh, we're going to be upstairs, making love... ly rope ladders in case of a fire.


"The Simpsons: The Ten-Per-Cent Solution (#23.8)" (2011)
Marge Simpson: What was your favorite thing at the museum?
Lisa Simpson: I liked the knowledgeable docents.
Bart Simpson: I liked the early closing time.


"The Simpsons: Burns' Heir (#5.18)" (1994)
Actor Homer: I do not miss Bart at all.
Actor Marge: I am glad he's gone.
Actress Lisa: As am I.
Actor Homer: [drops sandwich] Boh!
Bart: It's probably my imagination but something about them didn't seem quite right.
Mr. Burns: Really? excuse me for just a moment.
Mr. Burns: [Mr.Burns walks from the control room out into the studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place] People, that was all wrong. Homer Simpson does not say Boh! He says.
[checks script]
Mr. Burns: Doh!
Actor Homer: [taking off a Homer mask to reveal someone who looks suspiciously like Michael Caine] Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some sort of neurological impairment, like "Rain Man" or "Awakenings"? I mean, what the hell am I doing here?
Actor Marge: And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of "Murphy Brown."
Actress Lisa: Hey, we are really getting into golden time here.
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, do it right, or you'll all go back to doing "Come Blow Your Horn" at the Westport Dinner Theater.


The Simpsons Ride (2008)
Sideshow Bob: You've foiled my plans for the last time!
Bart Simpson: You soiled your pants for the last time?


"The Simpsons: Lady Bouvier's Lover (#5.21)" (1994)
[Mr. Burns is waiting in the Simpsons' living room to pick up Mrs. Bouvier for their date]
Bart Simpson: Hi. You know, my grandma really likes it when her boyfriends are nice to me. She especially likes it when they give me money.
Montgomery Burns: Run along, Peewee. Baby gets nothing.
Bart Simpson: Very well. You leave me no choice.
[raises a water pistol]
Bart Simpson: This gun is filled with ketchup.
[raises a second]
Bart Simpson: This one with mustard. Now give me 350 bucks or you're gonna be a mess for your date!
Montgomery Burns: [stands] You don't have the guts!


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Iconoclast (#7.16)" (1996)
[George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling]
Lisa: I want to help you, George Washington.
Bart: [walking by her room] "I want to help you... George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square.


"The Simpsons: Catch 'Em If You Can (#15.18)" (2004)
[Bart changes channels at the very end of Love Story]
Bart Simpson: Lisa made me do it! She used a witch's spell!
Lisa Simpson: It's called Wicca and it's empowering!
Bart Simpson: Wicca's just a Hollywood fad!
Lisa Simpson: You're thinking of Kabbalah, you jerk!


"The Simpsons: Fland Canyon (#27.19)" (2016)
Homer Simpson: From now on we're staying at the Hyatt regencies
Bart Simpson: You're banned from there dad
Homer Simpson: Not as Hagwar Swanson!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XI (#12.1)" (2000)
[the witch beats Lisa with a broom handle]
Witch: Stop your chattering and sweep! This house is filthy!
Lisa Simpson: So what do you care? It's not like you have friends.
Witch: I have a boyfriend!
Bart, Lisa Simpson: [laughing together] Yeah right/sure.
Witch: What? I do!
Lisa Simpson: Oh yeah? What's his name?
Witch: Uh... George!
[looks at her boiling cauldron]
Witch: Cauldron!
Lisa Simpson: George Cauldron? Maybe he can fix me up with Ed Ladle!


"The Simpsons: Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington (#14.14)" (2003)
Krusty the Clown: Look at this list of words they wont let me say on the air.
Bart Simpson: Oh, all the good ones. Hmm, I never even heard of number nine.
Krusty the Clown: It's doing thirteen while she's elevening your five.


"The Simpsons: Principal Charming (#2.14)" (1991)
Bart: [Bart makes a crank call to Moe's after being ordered to call his father by Skinner] Excuse me, is Homer there?
Moe: Homer? Homer who?
Bart: Homer... Sexual.
Moe: Just a minute.
[announces to the bar]
Moe: Uhh Homer Sexual? Aw come on! One of you guys has gotta be a Homer Sexual.
[Patrons laugh]
Homer Simpson: [laughing] Don't look at me.


"The Simpsons: Grade School Confidential (#8.19)" (1997)
Lisa Simpson: Bart, how come you're not sick?
Bart Simpson: Eh, I gave my oysters to the cat.
[points to the sick cat]
Bart Simpson: Hey, why'd you eat them? I thought you were a vegetarian.
Lisa Simpson: I didn't. I just wanted to leave.


"The Simpsons: Tales from the Public Domain (#13.14)" (2002)
Bart Simpson: [as Hamlet] The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king!
Moe Szyslak: [as Claudius] Catch my conscience? Whaa - ?
Bart Simpson: You're not supposed to hear me. That's a soliloquy.
Moe Szyslak: Oh. Well, then I'll do a soliloquy, too.
[clears his throat]
Moe Szyslak: Note to self: kill that kid.


"The Simpsons: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star (#16.21)" (2005)
Marge: Bart, would you like to say grace?
Bart: Yesum!
[Bart says grace in Latin]
Homer: What the hell was that?
Lisa: Bart's speaking Latin, the language of Plutarc.
Homer: [Homer looks blankly] Micky Mouse's dog?


"The Simpsons: King of the Hill (#9.23)" (1998)
[In a movie, Rainier Wolfcastle breaks someone's neck]
Marge Simpson: That's what I call Break-Neck Speed.
Bart Simpson: Mom, a man just died.
[Marge groans in embarrassment]


"The Simpsons: Judge Me Tender (#21.23)" (2010)
[Bart is dressing up Santa's Little Helper for the ugliest dog contest]
Homer Simpson: Not ugly enough. I want him to look like this...
[Holds up Weekly World News with Bat Boy on the cover]
Bart Simpson: Ay caramba!
Homer Simpson: ...had a baby with this...
[shows picture of Mr. Burns]
Homer Simpson: ... and got sat on by this.
[Shows picture of Patty]
Bart Simpson: How about this?
[Draws picture and shows it to Homer]
Homer Simpson: Oh... my... God! Bart, you never fail to disgust me.
Bart Simpson: Just call me Barf Simpson.
Homer Simpson: I wanted to, but your mother thought kids would laugh at you.


"The Simpsons: Dog of Death (#3.19)" (1992)
Bart: We're just gonna let him die?
Marge: Bart, I know you're upset...
Bart: Darn right I'm upset!
Marge: Bart, watch your language! Oh... you did.


"The Simpsons: The Mansion Family (#11.12)" (2000)
[the city of Springfield is having an illegal party in the ocean, about 300 yards from American territorial waters]
Bart: [on megaphone] What are you gonna do now, Coast Guard? Huh? You can't arrest us or do anything to us. Lousy Americans...
Coast Guard: [on megaphone] We can't hear you. Come 300 yards closer.


"The Simpsons: Homer and Apu (#5.13)" (1994)
Apu: [singing] Whether igloo, hut, or geodesic dome there's no structure that I've been to that I'd rather call my home. When I first arrived you were all such jerks but now I've come to love your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can phyliosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fellow, sorry about the samonella.
Homer: [laughing] That's okay.
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart, now here's the tricky part, oh won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwwik-E-Mart?
Marge: Their floors are stik-e-mart.
Lisa: They made dad sik-e-mart.
Bart: Let's hurl a brik-e-mart.
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'OH!
Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not me!
Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart. Good bye to Kwik-E-Mart. Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not me.
Homer: Everything wrapped up nicely. Earlier than usual.
Marge: I guess happiness is wherever you find it.
Homer: And we've all found happiness. Every one of us.
Apu: [Sobbing]
Homer: What's that sound?
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I do.
Homer: Hey! He lied to us through song. I hate it when people do that.


"The Simpsons: The Way We Was (#2.12)" (1991)
[the TV image is shaky]
Homer: Time for Dr. TV to perform a little surgery.
[he hits the TV, and the picture goes fuzzy]
Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.


"The Simpsons: Alone Again, Natura-Diddly (#11.14)" (2000)
[Homer is taping a shirtless Flanders doing yardwork]
Bart Simpson: Why are you taping Flanders, Dad?
Homer Simpson: [slyly] You'll see.
Bart Simpson: Do you even *have* a job anymore?
Homer Simpson: I think it's pretty obvious that I *don't*.


"The Simpsons: Luca$ (#25.17)" (2014)
Milhouse Van Houten: A Playbox? I didn't know you had one!
Bart Simpson: Neither did I.
Milhouse Van Houten: Something's fishy, Bart. Where's the sales receipt? Where's the dessicant packet that says "Do not eat"? And believe me, you shouldn't.
Bart Simpson: I think this game player was liberated from its former owner.
Milhouse Van Houten: Liberated? You mean stolen?
Bart Simpson: You can't spell crime without me.
Milhouse Van Houten: C-R-I... there it is, at the end!


"The Simpsons: Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words (#20.6)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: Ice cold lemonade! Sweet sunshine in your mouth! Buy a glass or I'll punch my sister!
Lisa Simpson: It's true! He's not bluffing!


"The Simpsons: Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield (#7.14)" (1996)
Bart Simpson: That place is weird. A man in the bathroom kept handing me towels, until I paid him to stop.
Homer Simpson: [holding a stack of towels] Should have held out longer, boy!


"The Simpsons: The Falcon and the D'Ohman (#23.1)" (2011)
Jimbo Jones: [after Bart disarms Dolph and Kearney] Whoa, dude! Where did you learn those moves?
Bart Simpson: I'd tell ya, but then I'd have to kill ya. Want me to tell ya?
Jimbo Jones: No! I won't listen!


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Patty and Selma (#6.17)" (1995)
Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them - as is my understanding...


"The Simpsons: Moe'N'A Lisa (#18.6)" (2006)
Bart Simpson: Hey, writers! The Da Vinci Code just sold another hundred copies!
[writers moan; Bart laughs]


"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Homer (#5.9)" (1993)
[first lines]
Bart: [finishes with his paintbrush] The beauty of it is, each parking space is a mere one foot narrower. Indistinguishable to the naked eye. But therein lies the game.
Milhouse: I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away.
Principal Skinner: Blasted woman, you parked too close! Move your car!
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your mama!
Principal Skinner: Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this.


"The Simpsons: Much Apu About Nothing (#7.23)" (1996)
Bart: Hey Apu. Why don't you marry some American broad and then dump her after you get your citizenship?
Homer: [Later] Selma my dear, how are you? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a minute. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name is already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nehassapassapena whatever. From now on I'm marrying for love and once again for money.


"The Simpsons: To Surveil, with Love (#21.20)" (2010)
Krusty: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to make ice? She forgot the recipe! How come you don't see many blonde snowwomen? It takes too much time to hollow out the head!
Bart Simpson: [laughing] He sure got you pegged, blondie.
Lisa Simpson: You're blond too, you know.
Bart Simpson: Blond boys aren't dumb, they're evil, like in Karate Kid or World War II.


"The Simpsons: Old Money (#2.17)" (1991)
Bart Simpson: I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
Lisa: No, I think he smells more like a photo lab.
Homer Simpson: Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.


"The Simpsons: The Day the Earth Stood Cool (#24.7)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: Where's your TV?
T-Rex: Tee-vee? We don't own a tee-vee.
Lisa Simpson: I didn't know that was an option!
Bart Simpson: I think we're done here. Lisa, go nuts.


"The Simpsons: A Star Is Torn (#16.18)" (2005)
Homer Simpson: He's not Cameron anymore. He's Johnny Rainbow.
Cameron/Johnny Sunshine: Uh, Mr. Simpson, about that...
Homer Simpson: I'm not Mr. Simpson anymore, I'm Colonel Cool, and I'm the captain on this rocketship to the moon.
Bart Simpson: So are you a colonel, or a captain?
Homer Simpson: Neiter, I'm both.


"The Simpsons: Friend with Benefit (#27.6)" (2015)
Bart Simpson: Lisa, you owe me a Caribbean vacation, St. Croix or better.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XV (#16.1)" (2004)
[Kang and Kodos are cooking the Simpsons]
Bart: Am I the only one in horrible pain?
Homer: You're the only one who won't shut up about it.


"The Simpsons: Mr. Plow (#4.9)" (1992)
Lisa Simpson: [During Mr. Plow Commercial] But I'm a real tight wad. Can I afford this remarkable system?
Homer: Absolutely. My prices are so low, you'll think I've suffered brain damage.
Bart Simpson: You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you Mr. Plow?
Homer: [Under Breath] Shut up boy.


"The Simpsons: Marge on the Lam (#5.6)" (1993)
[Homer needs to leave the house in a hurry]
Bart: You're right, Dad. We don't need a babysitter.
Homer: Wait a minute!
[He takes a card out of his pocket and reads it: "Always Do Opposite Of What Bart Says"]
Homer: You kids DO need a babysitter!
Bart: Blast that infernal card!


"The Simpsons: Mountain of Madness (#8.12)" (1997)
Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think we have to go to the retreat anyway.


"The Simpsons: Any Given Sundance (#19.18)" (2008)
Lisa Simpson: I'm making a movie about a very special family.
Bart Simpson: Smithers and Burns?


"The Simpsons: Homer the Vigilante (#5.11)" (1994)
Lisa Simpson: Dad! There was a burglar, and he took my saxophone!
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
Bart Simpson: And our portable TV!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Marge Simpson: He also took my pearl necklace.
Homer Simpson: Eh, that's no big loss.
Marge Simpson: Homer, that neckless was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom!
Homer Simpson: You've probably got a whole drawer full of those things.
Marge Simpson: [Opens a drawer, pulls out a ball made of identical necklaces, removes one from the ball and puts it on] Well, yes I do. But they're all heirlooms too.


"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
[Bart and Lisa are riding dolphins]
Bart Simpson: Mine has a cup holder.
Lisa Simpson: Bart, that a blowhole.
Bart Simpson: You're a blowhole!
[Bart puts cup on blowhole; dolphin starts to sink]
Bart Simpson: No, boy. Up! Up!


"The Simpsons: The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace (#10.2)" (1998)
Bart: Hey, dad. Heard you were swearing. Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap!


"The Simpsons: The Blue and the Gray (#22.13)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: I just have one question about hair: where does mine start? Head, head, head... hair? Where's the border?
Lisa Simpson: Oh, my God! Me too!
[Maggie feels her hair and looks worried]
Lisa Simpson: What are we?


"The Simpsons: Dude, Where's My Ranch? (#14.18)" (2003)
Clara: You know, there are more important things in this world than boys. And when...
[sees Bart]
Clara: Hello, handsome!
Bart Simpson: What's up, cootie breath?


"The Simpsons: In Marge We Trust (#8.22)" (1997)
[after watching the bizarre "Mr. Sparkle" Japanese commercial]
Homer Simpson: [distraught] That didn't explain anything. All I know is that they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo. There's no other explanation.
Lisa Simpson: Wait, look!
Announcer: [on TV] Mr. Sparkle. A joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern.
[a smiling fish logo appears on the left half of the screen and a light bulb logo appears on the right half. The two logos merge to form the Mr. Sparkle logo]
Lisa Simpson: Hey! It was all a coincidence.
Bart Simpson: [to Homer] Yep. There's your answer, fishbulb.
Homer Simpson: [tired] Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
Bart Simpson: We ARE home.
Homer Simpson: [slouching onto the couch] That was fast.


"The Simpsons: I Married Marge (#3.12)" (1991)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, if the baby's a girl, can we name her Ariel?
Bart Simpson: [imitates buzzer] I'm sorry, the baby's name will be Kool Moe Dee Simpson.
Lisa Simpson: Ariel!
Bart Simpson: Kool Moe Dee!
Lisa Simpson: Ariel!
Bart Simpson: Kool Moe Dee!


"The Simpsons: The Great Money Caper (#12.7)" (2000)
Homer: Time to Trim the Mark.
Bart: Way to use the lingo, Homer.
Homer: 10-4, Kemosabe.


"The Simpsons: Behind the Laughter (#11.22)" (2000)
Homer Simpson: Your favorite show was "Hollywood Hogwash", but we also loved "The Dreck Squad".
Marge Simpson: ..."The Malarkies", "Dumbing it Down"...
Lisa Simpson: "Sheriff Low-brow".
Bart Simpson: "Home Improvement".


"The Simpsons: Every Man's Dream (#27.1)" (2015)
Bart Simpson: [crying] Why is Daddy leaving? Is it all my fault?
[laughs]
Bart Simpson: Man, I've been waiting to do that for a long time.
[shouts]
Bart Simpson: All my problems are my parents' fault!


"The Simpsons: Brother from the Same Planet (#4.14)" (1993)
[Bart's class is having Show and Tell]
Bart: Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.
[Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]
Martin Prince: Hey...
[falls down on the ground, twitching]
Mrs. Krabappel: He's not dead, is he Bart?
Bart: Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.
Mrs. Krabappel: Very good, Bart. Thank you.
Bart: Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.
Mrs. Krabappel: Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.
Milhouse Van Houten: Uh, I have a horsey.
[mimics his toy horse neighing in a slurry way which then trails off]
Nelson Muntz: Wuss!


"The Simpsons: The Call of the Simpsons (#1.7)" (1990)
[Homer gets shot with a tranquilizer dart]
Bart: Dad! Oh, Dad!
Homer: Avenge me, son. Avenge my death.
[starts snoring loudly]


"The Simpsons: Specs and the City (#25.11)" (2014)
Nelson Muntz: You have one week to give me a valentine.
Bart Simpson: And if I don't?
Nelson Muntz: I will have a heart in my hand. Paper or yours!


"The Simpsons: Simpsons Safari (#12.17)" (2001)
[when The Simpsons are on holiday in Africa, Bart marks that he has seen a warthog to his animal card]
Lisa: Hey! You didn't see a warthog!
Bart: I'm looking at one right now.
Lisa: Mom! Bart implied I was a warthog!
Marge: Nobody's a warthog!
Bart: What about him?
[Lisa notices that there is actually a warthog right next to him]


"The Simpsons: Simple Simpson (#15.19)" (2004)
Homer Simpson: Wherever injustice shows its ugly face, I will be there, for I am the Pie Man.
Bart Simpson: And wherever Pie Man is, the cupcake kid will not be far behind.
Marge Simpson: While you two are up on the roof, why don't you take the leaves out of the gutter?


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror X (#11.4)" (1999)
[Homer and Bart are on a spaceship listening to Rosie O'Donald sing]
Bart Simpson: Don't worry, Dad. We'll be dead in five minutes.
Homer Simpson: Not fast enough!
[he presses the eject button, which sends them into space where their heads explode]


"The Simpsons: Half-Decent Proposal (#13.10)" (2002)
Lisa Simpson: Hey, a helicopter's landing on our lawn.
Bart Simpson: Let's approach with caution!


"The Simpsons: Little Orphan Millie (#19.6)" (2007)
Bart Simpson: Lise, I don't get it... Why does Milhouse's happiness make me sad?
Lisa Simpson: Bart, Bart, Bart, you're worried you're losing Milhouse, and love is a selfish thing!
Bart Simpson: Shut up! I don't love Milhouse!
Lisa Simpson: Oh Really? The more you deny it, the more I know it's true!
Bart Simpson: Oh, yeah? Well, whenever you're mean, I'm a trampoline. So everything you said goes back and hits your ugly head.
Lisa Simpson: [Laughs] God, that was lame. Where did you get that?
Bart Simpson: From Milhouse! Oh, I love him so much!
Lisa Simpson: Aww, it's okay!


"The Simpsons: Them, Robot (#23.17)" (2012)
[Bart and Milhouse walk up to home plate]
Bart Simpson: Hey, Dad, can we play?
Robot T21: [scans Bart and Milhouse using X-ray vision] We cannot take the inferior one.
Milhouse: My heart makes up for my shortcomings, like Rudy.
Robot T21: Rudy was only put in at the end of a meaningless game.
Robot A18: We will notify you if this game becomes meaningless.


"The Simpsons: The Heartbroke Kid (#16.17)" (2005)
[Spengler has harnessed the patients at his weight-loss clinic to a chariot]
Tab Spangler: Here's what's going to happen. You're going to pull me in this chariot while I whip you and you tell me how you got so fat.
[cracks whip]
Tab Spangler: Go!
Kent Brockman: I'm Kent Brockman. I gorge on kettle corn between weather and sports.
Tab Spangler: We know. Your side-fat is spilling over to Channels 5 and 7. I hope you're getting three paychecks.
[cracks whip]
Bart Simpson: I'm Bart Simpson. I'm just big-boned.
Tab Spangler: [cracks whip] No such thing!
Bart Simpson: Growth spurt?
Tab Spangler: [cracks whip] Doesn't exist!
Bart Simpson: This can't be legal!
Tab Spangler: [cracks whip] It's legal enough!


"The Simpsons: The Man Who Came to Be Dinner (#26.10)" (2015)
Marge Simpson: There's only one fair way to do this. We must put it to a vote.
Bart Simpson: Before we do, I would like to point out that in Sophie's Choice, she chose the boy.


"The Simpsons: Lisa Goes Gaga (#23.22)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: Without award shows, how would we know what movie has the best beheading, of that Glee is a comedy?


"The Simpsons: Homer's Triple Bypass (#4.11)" (1992)
Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.


"The Simpsons: Make Room for Lisa (#10.16)" (1999)
Lisa: Dad, I still don't understand how you could just give my room away?
Homer: Honey, what's your favorite movie?
Lisa: Well, until you taped over it, "The Little Mermaid".
Homer: That's right. "The Odd Couple". Meet your new, comically mismatched roommate- Bart.
Bart: I'm going to make your life a living hell.
Lisa: Ohh...
[Homer hums "Odd Couple" theme, shoves Lisa into the room and runs away]


"The Simpsons: All's Fair in Oven War (#16.2)" (2004)
Homer Simpson: Why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed?
Bart Simpson: Because we're poor?
Homer Simpson: Exactly. And we're poor because we have kids.


"The Simpsons: The Great Simpsina (#22.18)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: What idiot put the dump so far from where people live?


"The Simpsons: Saddlesore Galactica (#11.13)" (2000)
Bart Simpson: Who are those guys?
Homer Simpson: That's BTO. They were Canada's answer to ELP. Their biggest hit was TCB. That was how we talked in the seventies. We didn't have a moment to spare.


"The Simpsons: 'Round Springfield (#6.22)" (1995)
Lisa Simpson: My brother just had his appendix removed.
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Oh? And how's he doing?
Bart Simpson: [mooning them with a smiley face drawn on his butt and a stethoscope on his hips] Hey there. I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds right now and uh, I'm a little behind.
Lisa Simpson: [unimpressed] He'll be fine.


"The Simpsons: Bart Has Two Mommies (#17.14)" (2006)
Rod Flanders: Hurry, let's climb down.
Bart: Okay but don't let our hands touch. It's gay.
Rod Flanders: What's gay mean?
Bart: Uh, it means you use to be afraid
[brief pause]
Bart: , but now you're not.
Rod Flanders: [to his father Ned Flanders below] I'm gay Daddy... I'm gay! Mrs. Simpson made me gay.
Marge: [nervously to Ned Flanders] I believe he's saying... he's okay.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VIII (#9.4)" (1997)
Bart Simpson: Lisa Simpson!
Lisa Simpson: Bart, quit it!
Bart Simpson: She put a spell on me!
[Bart pretend to be on a spell]
Bart Simpson: Must... drop... pantaloons.


"The Simpsons: Holidays of Future Passed (#23.9)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: This place hasn't changed a bit.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, I've been meaning to change things, but this place keeps being a crime scene.


"The Simpsons: You Don't Have to Live Like a Referee (#25.16)" (2014)
Lisa Simpson: Martin Prince took my essay subject. What do I do?
Bart Simpson: Here's what you do. Write about your dad.
Lisa Simpson: Everyone writes about their dad.
Bart Simpson: Sure, everyone writes about the good dads, but with our dad, it's like climbing Mount Everest. You either plant your flag at the top, or you die there frozen. Either way, hell of a show.


The Simpsons: Tapped Out (2012) (VG)
Bart Simpson: Hey, Milhouse, want to go check out the new gun shop in town?
Milhouse Van Houten: Of course! After all, the NRA says it's the safest place for kids.
Bart Simpson: They also say us kids should sleep under a blanket made of loaded guns. You know - for safety.
Milhouse Van Houten: I eat my cereal every morning with a gun instead of a spoon. Because more guns everywhere means safer kids. Thanks, NRA!


"The Simpsons: Waverly Hills, 9021-D'Oh (#20.19)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: We have to go back to Springfield. I just remembered I was playing hide-and-seek with Milhouse.
Milhouse: [In the dumpster back of the Kwik-E Mart] Three weeks! This must be a new record!


"The Simpsons: No Loan Again, Naturally (#20.12)" (2009)
Homer Simpson: Squeaky board here, crack on the wall there, poltergeist in the closet...
Bart Simpson: [In closet, dressed as ghost] Ooooh! I died when Homer sat on me!
Homer Simpson: [Strangles Bart] Why you little... I'm the victim here!


"The Simpsons: Moe Goes from Rags to Riches (#23.12)" (2012)
Milhouse: I'm not your puppet, Bart.
Bart Simpson: I know. I made you into a real boy last week.
Milhouse: And I will always be grateful for that, but it's time you treated me with some respect.


"The Simpsons: Realty Bites (#9.9)" (1997)
[singing to the tune of "Camptown Races"]
Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: On the closing day / the escrow agents pay / taxes, liens and interest too / thanks to Fanny Mae.
Bart Simpson: [finishes the song] They back your baaaaank!
Homer Simpson: You're all nuts.


"The Simpsons: Sweets and Sour Marge (#13.8)" (2002)
Bart: Why would Duff publish a book.
Lisa: It was designed to settle fights in taverns.
Homer: Whoo-hoo. She said "tavern". I'm going to Moe's.
[runs away and drives off]
Marge: I never agreed to that rule.


"The Simpsons: Father Knows Worst (#20.18)" (2009)
Homer Simpson: Ooh, lamb kebab!
[he eats the kebab]
Homer Simpson: Ooh, chicken kebab!
[he eats it, as well]
Homer Simpson: [grabbing a lit fire juggling stick] Ooh, fire kebab!
Lisa Simpson: Dad, no!
Bart Simpson: [cutting in front of Lisa] Dad, yes!


"The Simpsons: Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes? (#3.24)" (1992)
[At the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence awards show]
Lisa: This award is the biggest farce I've ever seen.
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.


"The Simpsons: A Tale of Two Springfields (#12.2)" (2000)
Kent Brockman: [talking about the people of "New Springfield" when a new area code divides the town] They also tend to use low-brow expressions like "Oh, yeah!" and "Comere a minute."
Homer Simpson: [watching the TV with Bart] Oh, yeah, they think we're low class. Hey, Bart, comere a minute.
Bart: You comere a minute.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah...


"The Simpsons: I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can (#14.12)" (2003)
Bart Simpson: Come on, man, everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank.
Principal Skinner: Well, if by "wank" you mean educational fun, then stand back it's wanking time!


The Simpsons: Family Portrait (1988) (TV)
Homer Simpson: This is the last picture on the roll.
Bart Simpson: Praise the lord.
Homer Simpson: You watch your mouth, you little smart ass.


"The Simpsons: Simpson and Delilah (#2.2)" (1990)
[Bart shatters Homer's bottle of hair-restoring Dimoxinil]
Homer: [strangling Bart] BOY-MUST-DIE!
Bart: [choked] I, I love you, Dad!
Homer: Ohh...
[drops him]
Homer: Dirty trick.


"The Simpsons: Rosebud (#5.4)" (1993)
Bart: Hey, Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it!
Apu: Ooh, a head bag. Those are chock full of... heady goodness.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIII (#14.1)" (2002)
[the Simpsons family hold a seance for Ned to contact the spirit of Maude]
Bart Simpson: [dressed as Maude; ghastly voice] Ned, I'm back! Gimme a kiss!


"The Simpsons: $pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (#5.10)" (1993)
[Lisa has had a nightmare]
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the boogeyman was after me, and he was hiding under...
Homer: Ahhhhhhhhhh! Boogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!
[Homer bursts into Bart's room]
Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house!
Bart: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!


"The Simpsons: Puffless (#27.3)" (2015)
Bart Simpson: Hey, Lis. You think I can use denture adhesive to climb the walls?
[Tries it, and falls on his head]
Lisa Simpson: No. Next time wait for my answer.
Homer Simpson: Cut it out you two. Your grandma's medicine cabinet is not a toy chest. Ooh, Vicodin.


"The Simpsons: The Real Housewives of Fat Tony (#22.19)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: That's a truffle.
Bart Simpson: You're a truffle!
Lisa Simpson: A truffle is a rare underground fungus that grows on the roots of trees.
Bart Simpson: Leave it to you to make tree poop boring.


"The Simpsons: Days of Wine and D'oh'ses (#11.18)" (2000)
Bart Simpson: We should be safe up here. I'm pretty sure fires can't climb trees.


"The Simpsons: Insane Clown Poppy (#12.3)" (2000)
Bart Simpson: [sees an exhibit of the famous Dummies books] Ah, finally, some books for today's busy idiots. "Network Programming for Dummies". "Christianity for Dummies". "Moby Dick"? "Call me Ishmael, dummy." How did you write all these books?
Dummies author: Duh, I don't know. Me got to go to the bank now.


"The Simpsons: Viva Ned Flanders (#10.10)" (1999)
Bart Simpson: Alright here comes the implosion!
Demolition Worker: [Pushes the plunger down] Implosion, I thought you said...
Don Rickles: [Burns Casino blows up in a cloud of dust with Don Rickles flying out in the air] HOCKEY PUCK!
Homer Simpson: [as they all run from the dust] Hehe Don Rickles zinged you Marge!


"The Simpsons: Moe Baby Blues (#14.22)" (2003)
Bart: You could be my father figure.
Homer: No way. I'm not getting my finger prints on that train wreck.


"The Tracey Ullman Show: Lottery/Ambulance Pickup/Golf/Girl on a Ledge (#1.3)" (1987)
[first lines spoken by the Simpsons]
Bart Simpson: Uh, Dad?
Homer Simpson: What?
Bart Simpson: What is the mind? Is it just a system of impulses? Or is it something tangible?
Homer Simpson: Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!


"The Simpsons: Double, Double, Boy in Trouble (#20.3)" (2008)
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, Bart. I think I have a crush on your new sister.
Bart Simpson: You have a crush on my old sister.
Milhouse Van Houten: Yeah, but that wasn't going to happen.


"The Simpsons: Three Gays of the Condo (#14.17)" (2003)
Bart Simpson: [looking under the couch cushion] Hey, remember that pet gerbil we used to have? He didn't run away after all.
[crosses himself]


"The Simpsons: Pygmoelian (#11.16)" (2000)
Marge: Kids, would you like a balloon?
Bart: Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like a rattle and a wowwipop. Actually I would like a wowwipop.
Lisa: Those balloons won't biodegrade for ten thousand years. And if Bart gets a wowwipop, I want a wowwipop.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXVII (#28.4)" (2016)
Bart Simpson: [Being chased by bullies] Violence never solved anything.
Kearney Zzyzwicz: Don't use math on us.


"The Simpsons: Girlie Edition (#9.21)" (1998)
[Bart doing a newscast on a kids news show]
Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Wedding (#6.19)" (1995)
Marge: I took loom in high school.
[Marge hums, quickly weaves *Hi Bart, I am weaving on a loom*]
Bart Simpson: [pause] Meh.


"The Simpsons: Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life (#22.5)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: A boy is beating me up at school.
Marge Simpson: Is it Milhouse?
Bart Simpson: Milhouse couldn't beat anybody up.
Marge Simpson: Are you sure? He's been going through a growth spurt.
Bart Simpson: It's not Milhouse! It's Nelson.
Marge Simpson: Nelson? I never thought of him as the bully type. Well, if a bully picks on you and Milhouse isn't there to protect you, the best way to deal with him is make him feel good.
Bart Simpson: How do I do that?
Marge Simpson: You could say something nice about him. Try complimenting his glasses.
Bart Simpson: It's not Milhouse!


"The Simpsons: Pranksta Rap (#16.9)" (2005)
Bart Simpson: Hey, 50 can I roll with you?
50 Cent: Nah, lil' man. But hey, stay in school and keep rapping. You'll blow up one day.
50 Cent: [to parole officer] Hey, does that count as community service?
[she shakes her head no]
50 Cent: Oh well, let's go to the park and pick up some poop.


"The Simpsons: A Streetcar Named Marge (#4.2)" (1992)
Bart: Are there any Jive-Talking Robots in this play?
Marge: I don't think so.
Homer: Bart, don't ask stupid questions. Is there any frontal nudity?
Marge: No, Homer.


"The Simpsons: Bart vs. Thanksgiving (#2.7)" (1990)
Bart Simpson: [Bart imagines apologizing for wrecking Lisa's centerpiece] Lisa, I'm sorry.
Marge Simpson: [the fantasy turns nightmarish] No, no, no. That won't do at all.
Homer: Yeah, boy. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness.
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, beg me, Bart. Beg me.
Bart Simpson: Lisa, I beg of you. Please forgive me.
Marge Simpson: [all the family laugh at Bart] Now, we can blame him for everything.
Homer: It's your fault I'm bald.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
Grampa Simpson: It's your fault I'm old.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
Maggie Simpson: It's your fault I can't talk.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
Uncle Sam: It's your fault America's lost its way.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
[the family start saying everything is Bart's fault and he keeps apologising]


"The Simpsons: Mayored to the Mob (#10.9)" (1998)
Homer: Password.
Bart: We just want to get a snack from the fridge.
Homer: Access denied!
Bart, Lisa: But Da...
[Homer uses a sleeper hold on Bart and Lisa knocking them out]
Marge: Homer! I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children!
Homer: They be OK in half an hour.
Marge: And another thing, I asked you to take out the garbage three days agos and it's still... ngghhh.
[Homer uses his sleeper hold on Marge]
Homer: [Homer looks at his watch] Hmm, dinner is not for another half hour. Gahhh!
[Homer uses his sleeper hold on himself and bangs his head on the dinner table while falling to the floor]


"The Simpsons: The Mysterious Voyage of Our Homer (#8.9)" (1997)
Lisa Simpson: [Seeing a silhouette of Homer against a spotlit sky] Is that Dad?
Bart Simpson: Either that or Batman has really let himself go.


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Greek (#3.14)" (1992)
Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids who wear them get *beaten up*.
Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.


"The Simpsons: Radioactive Man (#7.2)" (1995)
Bart: George Burns was right: show biz is a horrible bitch goddess.


"The Simpsons: Bart vs. Lisa vs. 3rd Grade (#14.3)" (2002)
Lisa Simpson: Bart, you're my big brother. You should act like it more often. You know, protect me from the bad things in the world.
Bart Simpson: As far as nerdy little sisters go, you're the coolest.
Lisa Simpson: Thanks, Bart.
Bart Simpson: And I'm sorry I sabotaged your flag.
Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry I got us lost out here.
Bart Simpson: Oh! And I'm sorry I sawed the heads of your Malibu Stacy dolls. Okay, now you go.
Lisa Simpson: I don't think I've done anything else.
Bart Simpson: Okay, I'll go again. Remember when your bike was mangled by "gypsies"?
Lisa Simpson: Yes?
Bart Simpson: Yeah, funny story. One day I was really bored, and Dad had left a steamroller idling in the driveway...


"The Simpsons: Bart on the Road (#7.20)" (1996)
[When the school replaces a normal school day with "Follow your parents to work" day, Marge encourages Lisa to go to the nuclear plant, while Bart looks forward to staying home, "observing" Marge]
Marge: Lisa, you've always been interested in nuclear power.
Lisa: Mom, I've signed numerous petitions to shut that place down.
Marge: Well, there you go.
Bart: Mom, you're in the way of the TV. If you want to, you can fill out my form.
Marge: [reading] "Parent's occupation... Please note that 'homemaker' is not allowed, as it is not real work, that's why you don't get paid." Mmmm...
Lisa: Bart can take my place at the nuclear power plant.
Marge: But Bart so wanted to see women in the workplace.
Lisa: Well, how about Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma at the DMV?
[Bart gasps]
Marge: Thank you, Lisa! I would have never thought of that.
[Lisa chuckles]


"The Tracey Ullman Show: Episode #3.7" (1989)
Krusty the Clown: Hi, boys and girls! Welcome to the Krusty the Clown Show! Let's meet some of our guests in our studio audience shall we?
[to Maggie Simpson]
Krusty the Clown: What's your name little girl?
[Maggie continues sucking on her pacifier, saying nothing]
Krusty the Clown: OK, what's your name little boy?
Bart Simpson: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Krusty the Clown: [grumbles, trying to control his temper] Why I'm you old pal Krusty!
Bart Simpson: Oh, yeah? Then what's Krusty's secret motto?
Krusty the Clown: [trying to remember] Uh... oh, if you're feeling sad and blue, keep a Krusty smile on you!
Bart Simpson: Look man, I don't know how you found out Krusty's secret motto, but you're still an imposter!
[Bart pulls off Krusty's red nose and pushes him to the floor as he grabs Krusty's microphone amid boos and jeers from the rest of the studio audience]
Bart Simpson: Kids in TV land, you're being duped by this imposter who...
Krusty the Clown: [rises and begins choking Bart; gruff voice] Why you little... !


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Simpson (#9.17)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: I rounded up every Simpson in the tri-city area so I can prove to you there's nothing wrong with the Simpson genes. This is your great uncle Chet. Go ahead, Chet, tell her what you do.
Great Uncle Chet: I run an unsuccessful shrimp company.
Homer Simpson: [nervously] Oh... but you *run* it, right?
Great Uncle Chet: [smugly] Oh, yeah.
Homer Simpson: Okay... uh, this is your second cousin, Stanley!
Cousin Stanley: Um, I shoot birds at the airport.
Homer Simpson: [More nervously] Everybody hates birds, right?
[Homer frantically looks for a successful relative and spots a dapper man smoking a cigar.]
Homer Simpson: You look pretty successful!
Simpson Relative 1: Thanks! I play a millionaire at parties.
[sighs defeatedly]
Simpson Relative 1: At least, I'd like to.
Bart Simpson: You probably should have researched this first, eh dad?
Homer Simpson: What about you?
Simpson Relative 2: Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers.
Simpson Relative 3: I beg celebrities for money!
Simpson Relative 4: I'm a prison snitch.
Simpson Relative 5: Jug band manager.
Simpson Relative 6: My legs hurt.


"The Simpsons: Team Homer (#7.12)" (1996)
[after getting school uniforms]
Bart: These uniforms suck.
Marge: Bart, where did you pick up words like that?
Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening.
Bart, Lisa: We are not wiener kids!
Homer: Then why are you wearing those dorky uniforms? Hmm...


"The Simpsons: Beyond Blunderdome (#11.1)" (1999)
Marge Simpson: Look, they're making a movie! Robert Downey, Jr. is shooting it out with the police.
[Several police officers exchange gunfire with Robert Downey, Jr]
Bart Simpson: I don't see any cameras.


The Simpsons (1991) (VG)
Bart Simpson: Who the hell are you?


"The Simpsons: Faith Off (#11.11)" (2000)
Bart Simpson: Excuse me, Brother Faith. I gotta know, how did you *really* get the bucket off my dad's head?
Brother Faith: Well, I didn't son, you did. God gave you the power.
Bart Simpson: Really? Hmm, I would think he would want to limit my power.


"The Simpsons: Brake My Wife, Please (#14.20)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: Let's go for a nice family walk around the block.
Lisa Simpson: I want to amble.
Bart Simpson: I want to saunter.
Lisa Simpson: Amble!
Bart Simpson: Saunter!
Lisa Simpson: Amble!
Bart Simpson: Saunter!
Marge Simpson: Stop saying things!


"The Simpsons: Hurricane Neddy (#8.8)" (1996)
Bart Simpson: Hey! Back off, man!
Ned Flanders: Ok, *dude*! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, *man*! Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years; "Hey, buddy, gotta quarter?"


"The Simpsons: Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays (#15.8)" (2004)
Bart Simpson: Make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times.
Edna Krabappel: We all got tired of that chalkboard years ago.


"The Simpsons: The Nightmare After Krustmas (#28.10)" (2016)
Bart Simpson: If he was going to convert why didn't he pick a funny religion?
Milhouse Van Houten: Like Zoroastrianism. Their top god is named Mazda. Tell me that's not hilarious.


"The Simpsons: The Kid Is Alright (#25.6)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Why aren't you making new friends?
Bart Simpson: What's wrong with the ones I have now?
Milhouse Van Houten: I finally got that M&M out of my inner ear. I was right, it was a green one.
Homer Simpson: [Thinking] Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear. Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear.
[Santa's Little Helper jumps and takes M&M, which remains in his tongue]
Homer Simpson: [Thinking] Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear and the dog's mouth. Don't eat it...
[Camera pulls back to show the M&M in Homer's tongue]
Marge Simpson: Oh, for Pete's sake!
[Takes M&M out of Homer's mouth and puts it back in Milhouse's ear]


"The Simpsons: Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? (#11.3)" (1999)
Homer: Well here we are kids... the zoo.
Bart Simpson: That's great dad, except you were supposed to take us to the newspaper.


"The Simpsons: Homer Defined (#3.5)" (1991)
Marge Simpson: [Bart and Maggie are playing Monopoly] Bart, don't feed your sister hotels.
Bart Simpson: Don't worry, Mom, there's tons of these things.
Marge Simpson: I think that game is too old for her. Why don't you go play with Milhouse?
Bart Simpson: I don't wanna play with Milhouse.
Marge Simpson: You mean you still haven't made up with him?
Bart Simpson: It's his Mom. She says I'm a bad influence. Come on, Maggie, let's go throw rocks at that hornet's nest.


"The Simpsons: A Totally Fun Thing Bart Will Never Do Again (#23.19)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: There is no virus. I made the whole thing up.
Lifeguard Dave: But the general's warning!
Bart Simpson: That was Treat Williams in a movie.
Treat Williams: I thought that general looked familiar.
[Other passengers surround him]
Treat Williams: What? I'm in a lot of movies.


"The Simpsons: Love, Springfieldian Style (#19.12)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: [as Johnny Rotten] Tonight, we're gonna play like we've never played before: competently.