No Photo Available
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Sideshow Mel (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Simpsons: All About Lisa (#19.20)" (2008)
Sideshow Mel: Lisa, applause is an addition, like heroin -- or checking your e-mail.

Sideshow Mel: Lisa didn't know it then, but she had just dipped her toe into the business of show. And it is a business, as you shall see in about three seconds, two, one...
[commercial break]

"The Simpsons: Natural Born Kissers (#9.25)" (1998)
[as Homer hangs naked, from a hot air balloon]
Sideshow Mel: Dear Lord, look at that blimp! He's hanging from a balloon!

[Seeing a naked Homer dangling from a balloon]
Sideshow Mel: Look at that blimp... And he's hanging from a balloon.

"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Roger Myers Jr.: Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached?
Krusty: Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment... HEY, SHUT UP! You're here 'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings!
[points to a ratings chart]
Krusty: Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show!
Roger Myers Jr.: What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?
Krusty: See, that what I thought at first, but then... HEY, SHUT UP! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!
Roger Myers Jr.: But Itchy & Scratchy is critically acclaimed.
Krusty: ACCLAIMED? PAH! I ought to replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon where robots turn into blingwads! But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger. So I'm gonna give you one more chance. Now get out! Don't come back till you've fixed Itchy & Scratchy.
[Roger Myers Jr. slams the door so hard it breaks off, showing Sideshow Mel in the waiting room]
Krusty's Secreatary: [off-screen] Okay, Mel, you can go in now.
Sideshow Mel: [walks into Krusty's office] Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'n' Roll Museum, and...
[Krusty still has an angry face from his argument with Roger Myers Jr]
Sideshow Mel: I'll come back later.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)
[Krusty the Klown cast members are eating lunch]
Sideshow Mel: Bah! There's cheese in this sandwich. Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant.
Bart: Sorry!
Sideshow Mel: Sorry? Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Oh, boy! Come stand outside the bathroom. I want to yell at you some more...
[Mel yells from inside the bathroom]
Sideshow Mel: Why you little rapscallion!
Bart: Show business sucks. I'm outta here.

"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Homer: [the Mexican soccer team has the first possession of the ball and is cautiously kicking the ball around, setting up for a goal as the Portugal team stands there, awaiting the play to develop. The crowd quickly grows bored]
Homer: Boring!
Krusty: Come on, you schnorers, do something!
Kent Brockman: [sounding bored as he calls the actions] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it.
[rolls eyes]
Kent Brockman: Holds it...
Foreign-accented sports commentator: [excitedly] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!
Sideshow Mel: I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving!
Moe: Yeah, not before me you ain't.
Ned Flanders: Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone!
Moe: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal!
[puts Flanders into a headlock]
Principal Skinner: Hey, now, that's uncalled for.
Lenny: Shut your hole, Skinner!
[punches Skinner in the stomach which causes him to fall down the stairs]

"The Simpsons: I Love Lisa (#4.15)" (1993)
Krusty the Klown: Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel, whacked out on wowie sauce!
Sideshow Mel: [drunk] Everyone's always kissing your ass! Well, I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a...

"The Simpsons: Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife (#17.15)" (2006)
Sideshow Mel: I've never seen a picture so highly defined!

"The Simpsons: Grade School Confidential (#8.19)" (1997)
Sideshow Mel: [dressed as a caveman with a bone through his green hair] My opinions are as valid as the next man's!

"The Simpsons: The Fabulous Faker Boy (#24.20)" (2013)
Sideshow Mel: You may think that the slide whistle is just a whistle that slides. Let me disprove you of that notion.
[Plays "Flight of the Bumblebee" on slide whistle]
Bart Simpson: Pass.
Sideshow Mel: Do you have any idea how difficult...
Bart Simpson: Pass!
[Mel plays sad slide, then continues with "Flight of the Bumblebee]

"The Simpsons: Once Upon a Time in Springfield (#21.10)" (2010)
Princess Penelope: We'll always have Sideshow Mel's dressing room.
Sideshow Mel: What? Ewwwwww.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 2 (#7.1)" (1995)
Sideshow Mel: I am Melvin Van Horn. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky.
Krusty the Clown: Hey-hey.
Sideshow Mel: Officers, you have arrested an innocent man!
Chief Wiggum: Really? Ah, jeez.
[Opens cell door]
Chief Wiggum: All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain.
Dr. Colossus: But all my stuff is there.

"The Simpsons: A Tale of Two Springfields (#12.2)" (2000)
Krusty: I opened for The Who at Woodstock. I came out with a Beatle wig and a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact words.
Sideshow Mel: [sarcastically] I never tire of THAT story.

"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Kancelled (#4.22)" (1993)
[Krusty is trying to talk Sideshow Mel into quitting his job a fast-food joint]
Krusty the Clown: But you gotta come back, Mel! We're a team!
Sideshow Mel: No, Krusty, you always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants, and cracked my buttocks with a hammer!
Krusty the Clown: Ah, come on. You wanna spend your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, Mister. Whoops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow-w-w! Ow-w-w!
Sideshow Mel: Sorry Krusty, I like it here. Mr. Johansen treats me with dignity.
Mr Johannson: Is this clown bothering you, Mel?
Sideshow Mel: It's all right, Mr. Johansen, I'll handle it.
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, sir.
Krusty the Clown: I don't want it!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.

"The Simpsons: Day of the Jackanapes (#12.13)" (2001)
[Mr. Teeney has just foiled Sideshow Bob's plan to kill Krusty and blew up a room]
Krusty the Clown: Was there anyone in there?
Sideshow Mel: Just some network executives.
[the blown-apart parts of the executives turn to liquid metal and reform into a T2-style mix of Lindsey Naegle and Jim the Executive]
Lindsey Naegle, Jim the Executive: We have notes. Have you thought about Dave Chappelle? Destroy!

"The Simpsons: Gump Roast (#13.17)" (2002)
[Talking about Agnes Skinner in a low-cut dress]
Abe Simpson: What's keeping that dress on?
Sideshow Mel: The collective will of everyone in this room.