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Quotes for
Sideshow Mel (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: All About Lisa (#19.20)" (2008)
Sideshow Mel: Lisa, applause is an addition, like heroin -- or checking your e-mail.

Sideshow Mel: Lisa didn't know it then, but she had just dipped her toe into the business of show. And it is a business, as you shall see in about three seconds, two, one...
[commercial break]


"The Simpsons: Natural Born Kissers (#9.25)" (1998)
[as Homer hangs naked, from a hot air balloon]
Sideshow Mel: Dear Lord, look at that blimp! He's hanging from a balloon!

[Seeing a naked Homer dangling from a balloon]
Sideshow Mel: Look at that blimp... And he's hanging from a balloon.


"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Roger Myers Jr.: Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached?
Krusty: Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment... HEY, SHUT UP! You're here 'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings!
[points to a ratings chart]
Krusty: Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show!
Roger Myers Jr.: What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?
Krusty: See, that what I thought at first, but then... HEY, SHUT UP! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!
Roger Myers Jr.: But Itchy & Scratchy is critically acclaimed.
Krusty: ACCLAIMED? PAH! I ought to replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon where robots turn into blingwads! But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger. So I'm gonna give you one more chance. Now get out! Don't come back till you've fixed Itchy & Scratchy.
[Roger Myers Jr. slams the door so hard it breaks off, showing Sideshow Mel in the waiting room]
Krusty's Secreatary: [off-screen] Okay, Mel, you can go in now.
Sideshow Mel: [walks into Krusty's office] Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'n' Roll Museum, and...
[Krusty still has an angry face from his argument with Roger Myers Jr]
Sideshow Mel: I'll come back later.


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)
[Krusty the Klown cast members are eating lunch]
Sideshow Mel: Bah! There's cheese in this sandwich. Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant.
Bart: Sorry!
Sideshow Mel: Sorry? Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Oh, boy! Come stand outside the bathroom. I want to yell at you some more...
[Mel yells from inside the bathroom]
Sideshow Mel: Why you little rapscallion!
Bart: Show business sucks. I'm outta here.


"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Homer: [the Mexican soccer team has the first possession of the ball and is cautiously kicking the ball around, setting up for a goal as the Portugal team stands there, awaiting the play to develop. The crowd quickly grows bored]
[shouts]
Homer: Boring!
Krusty: Come on, you schnorers, do something!
Kent Brockman: [sounding bored as he calls the actions] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it.
[rolls eyes]
Kent Brockman: Holds it...
Foreign-accented sports commentator: [excitedly] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!
Sideshow Mel: I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving!
Moe: Yeah, not before me you ain't.
Ned Flanders: Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone!
Moe: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal!
[puts Flanders into a headlock]
Principal Skinner: Hey, now, that's uncalled for.
Lenny: Shut your hole, Skinner!
[punches Skinner in the stomach which causes him to fall down the stairs]


"The Simpsons: I Love Lisa (#4.15)" (1993)
Krusty the Klown: Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel, whacked out on wowie sauce!
Sideshow Mel: [drunk] Everyone's always kissing your ass! Well, I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a...
[beep]


"The Simpsons: Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife (#17.15)" (2006)
Sideshow Mel: I've never seen a picture so highly defined!


"The Simpsons: Grade School Confidential (#8.19)" (1997)
Sideshow Mel: [dressed as a caveman with a bone through his green hair] My opinions are as valid as the next man's!


"The Simpsons: The Fabulous Faker Boy (#24.20)" (2013)
Sideshow Mel: You may think that the slide whistle is just a whistle that slides. Let me disprove you of that notion.
[Plays "Flight of the Bumblebee" on slide whistle]
Bart Simpson: Pass.
Sideshow Mel: Do you have any idea how difficult...
Bart Simpson: Pass!
[Mel plays sad slide, then continues with "Flight of the Bumblebee]


"The Simpsons: Once Upon a Time in Springfield (#21.10)" (2010)
Princess Penelope: We'll always have Sideshow Mel's dressing room.
Sideshow Mel: What? Ewwwwww.


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 2 (#7.1)" (1995)
Sideshow Mel: I am Melvin Van Horn. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky.
Krusty the Clown: Hey-hey.
Sideshow Mel: Officers, you have arrested an innocent man!
Chief Wiggum: Really? Ah, jeez.
[Opens cell door]
Chief Wiggum: All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain.
Dr. Colossus: But all my stuff is there.


"The Simpsons: A Tale of Two Springfields (#12.2)" (2000)
Krusty: I opened for The Who at Woodstock. I came out with a Beatle wig and a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact words.
Sideshow Mel: [sarcastically] I never tire of THAT story.


"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Kancelled (#4.22)" (1993)
[Krusty is trying to talk Sideshow Mel into quitting his job a fast-food joint]
Krusty the Clown: But you gotta come back, Mel! We're a team!
Sideshow Mel: No, Krusty, you always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants, and cracked my buttocks with a hammer!
Krusty the Clown: Ah, come on. You wanna spend your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, Mister. Whoops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow-w-w! Ow-w-w!
Sideshow Mel: Sorry Krusty, I like it here. Mr. Johansen treats me with dignity.
Mr Johannson: Is this clown bothering you, Mel?
Sideshow Mel: It's all right, Mr. Johansen, I'll handle it.
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, sir.
Krusty the Clown: I don't want it!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.


"The Simpsons: Day of the Jackanapes (#12.13)" (2001)
[Mr. Teeney has just foiled Sideshow Bob's plan to kill Krusty and blew up a room]
Krusty the Clown: Was there anyone in there?
Sideshow Mel: Just some network executives.
[the blown-apart parts of the executives turn to liquid metal and reform into a T2-style mix of Lindsey Naegle and Jim the Executive]
Lindsey Naegle, Jim the Executive: We have notes. Have you thought about Dave Chappelle? Destroy!


"The Simpsons: Gump Roast (#13.17)" (2002)
[Talking about Agnes Skinner in a low-cut dress]
Abe Simpson: What's keeping that dress on?
Sideshow Mel: The collective will of everyone in this room.