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: Mayor? Fat Tony asked me to give you this.
[Homer grabs Mayor Quimby and kisses him
] Mayor Qumby
: You moron! That's the kiss of death! Homer
: Oh, no! Wait, maybe I didn't do it right!
[Homer uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the school
: They're milking rats! Milking rats! Mayor Quimby
: [to Fat Tony
] Rats? I'm outraged. You promised me dog or higher.
[Homer is driving Mayor Quimby's limo
] Mayor Quimby
: Just remember... you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting - quick. Honk at that broad.
: Oh, dear God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?
: Who's going to protect you? Mayor Quimby
: [points to Homer
] HIM. Homer
: WOOHOO! Marge
: Homer, I don't think you were listening to what they just... Homer
: I said "WOO. HOO."
: My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first. Mayor Quimby
: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.
: And now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nimoy. Leonard Nimoy
: [referring to the monorail
] I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp Five.
] Mayor Quimby
: And let me say, "May the Force be with you." Leonard Nimoy
] Do you even know who I am? Mayor Quimby
: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?
: All right, I'm in charge here. Chief Wiggum
: Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere. Mayor Quimby
: Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter. Chief Wiggum
: Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby. Mayor Quimby
: You don't scare me, that could be anyone's ass. Now beat it! I'm calling the shots. Chief Wiggum
: I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain! The town charter says, in an emergency I run the show! Mayor Quimby
: Well, we'll just see about that! Let's go to Town Hall! Chief Wiggum
] Chief Wiggum
: Should we take one car, or should I follow you?
: Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance. Homer
: Get to the money! Mayor Quimby
: In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting. Apu
: Get to the money! Rev. Lovejoy
: Get to the money! Grampa Simpson
: Get to the moneeey! Mayor Quimby
: Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2million. Lisa Simpson
: Don't you mean $3million? Mayor Quimby
: Of course. How silly of me.
: You know, a town with money is a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
: He heh... mule. Lyle Lanely
: The name's Lanely! Lyle Lanely. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
[starts to walk out of the room
] Mayor Quimby
: [at the podium
] Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. You just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it! Lyle Lanely
: All right. I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll show you my idea.
[runs over to a display covered by a sheet, and he whips it off, revealing a diorama of Springfield with a monorail model going through it
] Lyle Lanely
: I give you the Springfield Monorail!
] Lyle Lanely
: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum I've put them on the map!
[holds up a map of the U.S. with those towns' names drawn on with pen
: Dig him up. Dig up that corpse. If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong. Dig up his grave. Pull out his tongue. Mayor Quimby
: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?
: Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains. Ned Flanders
: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye. I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day. Homer
: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders. Gimme that.
[Grabs the bell from him
: Hear ye. Hear ye. Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world. Chief Wiggum
: Good God, he is fabulous. Principal Skinner
: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance.
: I hereby declare a state of emergency: Code Black. Lenny
: Black? That's the worst color there is.
[Lenny turns to Carl, his black friend
: No offense there, Carl. Carl
: I get it all the time.
: To make sure this wall is completely idiot-proof... Cletus! Cletus
: Yes'um? Mayor Quimby
: Try to dump something in the lake. Cletus
[tries to go to the lake to dump a possum but keeps hitting the wall
: I can't. I - I simply can't.
"Diamond" Joe Quimby
: By the way, this woman is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her. I tell you this because I am comfortable with my womanizing!
: Okay, folks, let me hear what's troubling you. Don't be shy, yell it out. Everybody, go! "Diamond" Joe Quimby
: I, uh, can't commit to a relationship! Montgomery Burns
: I'm too nice! Apu
: I have problems with ... Lenny
] I'm always interrupting people!
: All of those in favor of the cameras say "cheese". All
: Cheese! Mayor Quimby
: All opposed, say "I hate America". Lisa Simpson
: I... wait... Oh, what's the use?
: Now on to the next item, the proposal for putting term limits on public office. All those in favor say "I have sex with animals". Cletus Spuckler
: I do have sex with animals, but I'm not in favor of term limits.
: Election in November. Election in November. Mayor Quimby
: AGAIN? This stupid country.
: People, please. We're all frightened and horny, but we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring!
: [Bart has just jumped into the back seat of Quimby's convertible to hide from Principal Skinner
] Freddie, honey, I think something just fell into the back seat. Freddy Quimby
: I'm not paying you to talk.
Birchibald T. Barlow
: You know, there are three things we are never going to get rid of here in Springfield. One; the bats in the public library. Two; Mrs. McFierly's compost heap. And three; our six-term mayor. The illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spendocrat, Diamond Joe Quimby. Mayor Quimby
: [listening to the radio, while watering his marijuana plants
] Hey! I am no longer illiterate.
: Are these morons getting dumber or just louder? Quimby's Aide
: Dumber, sir.
[Barry White is the Guest of Honor on Whacking Day
] Mayor Quimby
: Now I'd like to introduce our Grand Marshal, the Prophet of Love, Larry White. Barry White
: Barry White. Mayor Quimby
: No, it says here Larry White. Barry White
: I know my own name. Mayor Quimby
: Yeah? Well, we'll just see!
: Aye! Mayor Quimby
: And all those against horsewhipping Homer J. Simpson? Homer
: We will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a nearby city who will?
: Don't you worry, Mr. Mayor. This little lady will be cracking rocks by the end of the week. Mayor Quimby
: Wiggum, you glorified night watchman, let her go! Chief Wiggum
: But... but she broke the law. Mayor Quimby
: Thanks for the civics lesson. Now listen: if Marge Simpson goes to jail, I can kiss the chick vote goodbye. And if I go down, you're gonna break my fall! Chief Wiggum
: Word to the wise, Quimby: don't write checks your butt can't cash. Mayor Quimby
: Hear me loud and clear, Wiggum: you bite me, I'll bite back! Chief Wiggum
: You talk the talk, Quimby, but do you walk the walk?
Mayor Joe Quimby
: Welcome fans of everyone's favourite past time
[reads the card
] Mayor Joe Quimby
: Marge, you're a kind, compassionate woman who makes us see your family in a new light. Marge Simpson
: Thank you. Mayor Quimby
: Which is why you're the worst Simpson of all!
: People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it. Quimby's Aide
] Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns. Mayor Quimby
: Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor. Smithers
: [Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up
: Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to... a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central! Doctor Hibbert
: Oh, dear God! Smithers
: Eh, it's not that bad. I never miss Pardon My Zinger.
[Ned wraps a blanket around him
] Groundskeeper Willie
: Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery. Abe Simpson
: Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines. Crazy Old Man
: You bastard!
: That's it! I want a license. Mayor Quimby
: To kill? Bart Simpson
: No, to drive. Mayor Quimby
: Suit yourself.
: Greetings, fellow Irishmen and lady Irishmen. I, Joseph Fitzgerald O'Malley Fitzpatrick O'Donnell The Edge Quimby, welcome you to Springfield's first booze-free St. Patrick's Day!
: [on television
] If you commit a violent crime in my town you'll end up here!
[pointing at the electrocuting chair
] Ralph Wiggum
: Hey hey that's our playchair! Mayor Quimby
: [still in television
] To demonstrate what you're in for I will now strap myself in! Bart Simpson
: Uh-oh! We didn't set it to safety switch! Ralph Wiggum
: He's gonna smell like hotdogs!
: Your sense of civic duty, and this pamphlet that came with the fire extinguisher are the only training you need or shall ever receive.