Abraham 'Grampa' Simpson
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Quotes for
Abraham 'Grampa' Simpson (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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The Simpsons: Road Rage (2001) (VG)
Homer Simpson: Get in, I've got candy

Homer Simpson: You drive like I think... slowly!

Homer Simpson: [singing] I am so smart. S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T.

Abraham Simpson: Sit down and shut up.

Homer Simpson: [after the clock runs out] What do you mean game over?

Homer Simpson: [after being told where to drive] Ooh Can I come?

Homer Simpson: Boy, remember what daddy told you about being responsible and showing up for work on time? Well it's all a lie.
Bart Simpson: Homer, that's America to me.

Homer Simpson: [Crashing into another car] Outta my way jerkass!

Quimby: [gets into Abraham's vehicle] Hello there. Can you take me to the nearest eating establishment?
Abraham Simpson: Back in my day we called sandwiches "flat bready". It cost four playing cards a bite.

Homer Simpson: [driving into Mr. Burns' garden to destroy his statues] You'll know my name when we're finished here Burns!

Abraham Simpson: DMV please! I like to wait in line.
Krusty the Clown: Ugh, I once nailed a groupie there!

Homer Simpson: Take me to the courthouse! I'm late for my sentencing!

Homer Simpson: I need to go to my workstation. My sleeping bag is there.

Homer Simpson: Take me to the Power Plant. I'm on a mission for fission!

Abraham Simpson: You're the worse driver since Fanny Brice!

Moe: Oh, hiya, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Hey, Moe! Still tryin' to work off those gambling debts, eh?

Homer Simpson: [understandably scared] Mr. Burns wants me in his office right away. If I'm late he'll have me eliminated!
Moe: You got it.

Abraham Simpson: [after running someone over] Did I just hit something?

Abraham Simpson: [after running someone over] Damn teenagers!

Abraham Simpson: [after hitting someone] Am I going to jail for that?

Abraham Simpson: [start of game] Oh, I sure hope I don't fall asleep at the wheel!

Abraham Simpson: [when time runs out] Would somebody tell me what just happened?

Bart Simpson: Grandpa, they let you out?
Abraham Simpson: I left a mannequin in my bed!

Marge: Grandpa, what are you doing outside?
Abraham Simpson: [concerned and obviously confused] I don't know!


The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
Homer Simpson: Barney, you know that cooler I gave you for your birthday? Well, Flanders wants it back.
Barney Gumble: Now what am I gonna use for a toilet?

[Homer destroys the surveillance cameras at the power plant]
Homer Simpson: Finally, I can get some sleep.
[the whistle blows]
C. Montgomery Burns: [over P.A. system] Mindless drones! Return to your ugly families!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Homer Simpson: C. Montgomery Burns! I know you're guilty! J'accused! Sir.
C. Montgomery Burns: Fine, I'll admit it. I had Amelia Earhart's plane shot down. That hussy was getting too big for her jodhpurs.

Homer Simpson: Here's your science project.
Lisa Simpson: Thanks for delivering my model of the digestive system. Hey! Where's the gall bladder?
Homer Simpson: I got hungry and... it was a fig?
Lisa Simpson: It was modeling clay!
Homer Simpson: Oh.

Homer Simpson: [after hitting something] Bart did it!

Homer Simpson: [singing] I am evil Homer! I am evil Homer!

Homer Simpson: I'm a lean, mean... speed thingy!

Homer Simpson: Hey Zombie. You working for the DMV now?
Zombie: Brains. More Brains.
Homer Simpson: Thank You. I do have nice brains.

Homer Simpson: And people say I'm slow. Wait a minute! That was an insult!

Homer Simpson: Now, what can I use to board up the windows? I know! Boards!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, I'm so proud of you for stopping the alien invasion.
Homer Simpson: Did that really happen? I thought it was a bad dream from eating too many raw hot dogs.
Marge Simpson: No, Homey! You're the town hero!
Homer Simpson: Really? And what about the ninja babysitters? Was that real or a hot dog dream?
Lisa Simpson: Hot dog dream.

Homer Simpson: [chanting] Two, four, six, eight! You suck! I'm great! La da! La da! You I hate!

Marge Simpson: Homey, you're late for work, and today's your workplace evaluation with Mr. Smithers!
Homer Simpson: Ahh! He'll find my scorpion farm, then where will my scorpions live?

[Homer notices a security camera at his workstation]
Homer Simpson: How can I sleep with that camera? Ooh, sexy girls could be watching me on the internet!

Homer Simpson: Flanders, give me your first aid kit.
Ned Flanders: Well, I was hoping to save it for Rod and Todd to bandage their brain-eating boo-boos.
Homer Simpson: Just rub a bible on them.
Ned Flanders: Will that work to fend off zombies?
Homer Simpson: Who am I, Doctor Science?
Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely, here's the first aid.
Rod Flanders: Daddy, if the zombies are dead, why aren't they in Heaven?
Todd Flanders: I hope my brain feeds a hungry zombie.

Comic Book Guy: If my knowledge of sci-fi movies is correct, which it is, the black car is an advanced probe for the mothership. Now, if you're through, I'm going to spend my last hours on Earth complaining about movies on the internet.
Homer Simpson: The gift of life is wasted on you.
Comic Book Guy: Yes, I recommend you obtain a zombie car. It will protect you well but it runs on human brains, a slight drawback.
Homer Simpson: I've got plenty of those.

Homer Simpson: Can you come and pick me up? I'll pay you in back rubs.

Homer Simpson: Homer hates losing.
[shouts]
Homer Simpson: Homer smash!

Homer Simpson: Oh, I forgot my mission.

Homer Simpson: Look, I need to get some barrels of radioactive waste to save Springfield from the aliens!
C. Montgomery Burns: I agree. Illegal aliens are a nuisance.
Homer Simpson: Not *leaf-blower* aliens! *Tentacle* aliens!

Homer Simpson: [after crashing and wrecking] Marge will clean that up.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)
Homer Simpson: [after putting his finger through the wall] That's weird, it's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

Homer Simpson: This place looks expensive. I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. I better make the most of it.
[Homer burps]

[last lines]
Homer Simpson: Ooh! Erotic cakes!
[Homer walks inside a bakery]

[after Homer steps out into 3D land]
Homer Simpson: [disembodied] Hello? Can anybody hear me?
Marge Simpson: Homer! Where are you?
Homer Simpson: Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.
Marge Simpson: Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again.
Homer Simpson: Just a second... no, it's a place I've never been before.
Selma: Hmm. The shower.
[laughs]
Homer Simpson: Hey! I don't want to alarm you, Marge, but I seem to be trapped in here.

[while Bart is playing frisbee with his dog, Willie arrives at his front yard]
Groundskeeper Willie: Glad to rake your acquaintance.
[laughs evilly]
Bart Simpson: [Bart wakes up screaming]
Bart Simpson: [sighs] Ohh... it was only a dream.
[Bart sees the scratches on his body and screams again]
Homer Simpson: [from elsewhere, sounding worried] Bart! Is that you?
Bart Simpson: Yes!
Homer Simpson: Take out the garbage.

[Homer looks at goldfish in a pond]
Homer Simpson: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm... unprocessed fish sticks.

Homer Simpson: Ah, the Miracle Mile. Where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye.

Kent Brockman: Even as we speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town. Lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family.
Homer Simpson: We'll be right back.

Marge Simpson: Kids, it's time we told you the true story and put your fears to rest. It's a story of murder and revenge from beyond the grave. It all started on the thirteenth hour of the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month. We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.
Homer Simpson: Brrr! Oh, lousy Smarch weather.

Homer Simpson: [Thinking] Oh, glory of glories. Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's Creation.
Homer Simpson: [Speaking] Holy macaroni!

Lisa Simpson: Bart, don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die.
Abraham Simpson: Bah! Welcome to my world.

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what's it like in there?
Homer Simpson: Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
Dr. Hibbert: No.
Lisa Simpson: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Marge Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson: No.
Selma: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Ned Flanders: No.
Selma: No.
Prof. John Frink: No.
Reverend Lovejoy: No.
Chief Wiggum: Yes. I mean, I'm a-I mean, no. No.

Lisa Simpson: Well, where's my dad?
Prof. John Frink: Well, it should be clear to even the most dimwitted individual - who holds and advanced degree in hypothetical topology - that Homer Simpson has stumbled into...
[Dramating lighting]
Prof. John Frink: ... the Third Dimension!
Lisa Simpson: [Turns light back on] Sorry.
Prof. John Frink: Here is an ordinary square...
Chief Wiggum: Whoa, whoa, slow down, egghead.
Prof. John Frink: But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our own universe along the hypothetical Z-axis there.
[All gasp in astonishment]
Prof. John Frink: This forms the three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a frinkahedron, in honor of its discoverer.
Homer Simpson: Help me! Are you helping me or are you going on and on?
Prof. John Frink: Oh, yeah. And of course within we find the doomed individual.
Chief Wiggum: Enough of your borax, Pointdexter! A man's life's at stake. We need action!
[Fires gun at portal]
Chief Wiggum: Take that, you lousy dimension!

Homer Simpson: Oh, no. Better ride this one out in the closet.
[Opens closet door; Bart and Lisa are inside]
Lisa Simpson: Sorry, dad. This is our spot.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah? But it's my house, so it's my spot.
Bart Simpson: Nu-uh, 'cause we called it.
Homer Simpson: Did not.
Lisa Simpson: Well, we're calling it now.
Homer Simpson: You are?
Bart Simpson: 'fraid so.
Homer Simpson: Oh, you got me with your legal mumbo jumbo.

Marge Simpson: Bart, what happened?
Bart Simpson: Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
Homer Simpson: Craaaaaaap!

Bart: I'll save you, dad. I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump.
Homer Simpson: Piece of cake, son. Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!
[Homer falls right into the hole and goes into pieces which then explode]


"The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (#2.11)" (1991)
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
Homer Simpson: No way, because I'm not dying!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Second is anger.
Homer Simpson: [furiously] Why you little... !
Dr. Julius Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer Simpson: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer Simpson: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Finally acceptance.
Homer Simpson: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

Marge Simpson: I wrote a poem for you this afternoon, Homer. It's called "To a Husband".
Homer Simpson: Okay, okay.
Marge Simpson: The blackened clouds are forming.
Homer Simpson: Oh, give me a break, Marge.
Marge Simpson: Soon the rain will fall. My dear one is departing. But first, please heed this call. That always will I love you, my one, my love, my all.
Homer Simpson: That was beautiful.
[they hold hands and kiss]

Homer Simpson: [singing] Oh how I want to be in that number, when the saints go over there.

Toshiro: [looking at the diagram for cutting Fugu fish] Mmm-hmm... uh... poison, poison... tasty fish!
[holds his knife over the fish]
Toshiro: Concentrate... concentrate...
Homer Simpson: [from the other room] I WANT FUGU!
Toshiro: [startled, he slips the knife] Aagh!

Homer Simpson: [in a jail cell, listening to his cellmate playing the harmonica] That's sorta nice. What are you in for?
Homer's Cellmate: Atmosphere.

Eddie: [opening Homer's jail cell door] OK, flash. You get one phone call.
Homer Simpson: [at a phone, about to dial] Wait, I can't call Marge. It's our last day on Earth together, I can't drag her into this mess. I know, I'll call Barney.
[he dials. Cut to an answering machine in Barney's filthy apartment. Barney is sitting on the couch cutting his toenails]
Voices on Answering Machine: [to the tune of Beethoven's 5th Symphony] Nobody's here! Nobody's here! Nobody's here, nobody's here, nobody's here!
Homer Simpson: Damn those novelty telephone answering machine tapes! Thanks a lot, Barney, I just wasted my one phone call on your stupid...
Barney Gumble: [rushes to the phone and picks up it up] What? Wait! I'm home! I'm home! Hi, Homer.
Homer Simpson: You've got to help me, Barney, I'm in jail.
Barney Gumble: You are? Hey, Homer, go to the window.
[looks out of his window overlooking the police station, sees Homer inside and waves to him]
Barney Gumble: Hiya neighbour! I can seee you!
Homer Simpson: D'oh, gah! Just get over here and bring 50 bucks for bail!
Barney Gumble: 50 bucks! What'd you do, kill a judge?

[one of the things on Homer's list of things to do before he dies is "Tell off boss". While riding in Barney's car, he happens to spot Mr. Burns sitting on a park bench]
Homer Simpson: [leaning out of the car window as he goes past] Hey, Burns! Eat my shorts!
Mr. Burns: [annoyed] Who the Sam Hill was that?
Smithers: Why, it's... Homer Simpson, sir. One of the schmoes from sector 7G.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? I want him in my office at 9 o'clock Monday morning. We'll see who eats whose shorts.

Homer Simpson: [as the chefs argue loudly in Japanese after they realise Homer may have been served poisonous blowfish] Beautiful language, isn't it, Marge?

[Believing he is going to die during the night, Homer is tucking in and kissing each of his sleeping children one last time]
Homer Simpson: Goodbye, Maggie. Stay as sweet as you are.
[in Lisa's room]
Homer Simpson: Goodbye, Lisa. I know you'll make me proud.
[in Bart's room. Bart has Krusty the Klown themed bed sheets]
Homer Simpson: Goodbye, Bart.
[pause as he struggles to think of something to say to his naughtiest and least promising child]
Homer Simpson: I like your sheets.

Toshiro: Mr. Simpson-san, I shall be blunt. We have reason to believe you have eaten... poison.
Homer Simpson: Poison! Wh... what should I do? What should I do? Tell me quick!
Toshiro: [holds up a menu] Oh, no need to panic. There's a map to the hospital on the back of the menu.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Erm... your wife agreed that should I break this to you.
Homer Simpson: No need, Doc. I can read Marge like a book.
[he looks at Marge, who is frowning]
Homer Simpson: [excited] Oooh! It's good news, isn't it?

Dr. Julius Hibbert: If in fact you've consumed the venom of the blowfish, and from what the chef has told me, it's quite probable... You have 24 hours to live.
Homer Simpson: 24 hours!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Well, 22, I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long.

Homer Simpson: [to Bart] I want to share something with you. The three little sentences that will get you through life; Number One: "Cover for me". Number Two: "Oh, good idea, boss!" Number Three: "I was like that when I got here."

Homer Simpson: [showing Bart how to shave] And finally, the little spot under your nose. Next, we take some toilet paper, tear off some teensy little squares, and stick one there, and there, and any place you're bleeding, there, and there. Don't worry, the blood'll hold it right on your face. Now, some aftershave.
[he puts the aftershave on his face]
Homer Simpson: [in pain] Oooh! Ahh! Eee! YEEAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH! Nnnghh! Oooh! Yeaargh! You son-of-a... ! Ohh! Eeeee!
[calm again]
Homer Simpson: And that's how we shave.

[video camera POV of Homer sitting in a chair in the lounge]
Homer Simpson: This is a video tape for my daughter, Maggie. Hi, Maggie. I'm speaking to you from beyond the grave.
[like a ghost]
Homer Simpson: Wooooooohhh!
[chuckles]
Homer Simpson: Hee, hee, hee. Hope that didn't scare you. Well, Maggie, you're grown up now, and unless you taped over this, you're probably wondering what kind of man your father was. He was a simple man, a kind man, a gentle man who loved his children and...
[the phone rings]
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[he gets up, walks up close to the camera to answer the phone, resulting in a close-up of his legs and backside. He scratches his bottom]
Homer Simpson: [gruffly] Hello. Yeah, he's here, who is this? Bart's friend Milhouse? Bart! Get your butt down here!

Homer Simpson: [has been pulled over by Eddie and Lou, who are each wearing sunglasses and in a rather cocky mood] I'm sorry, officer, I know I was going too fast, just give me a ticket.
Eddie: I beg your pardon?
Homer Simpson: Just give me a ticket!
Lou: Whoa, well, that sounded like an order.
Homer Simpson: I pay my taxes and they pay your salary, so when I say give me a ticket, just give me a ticket!
Eddie: Uh-huh. Maybe we don't want to give you a ticket.
Lou: Maybe we want to haul your butt in, wiseguy.
[cut to Homer being shoved into a jail cell]
Eddie: [off-camera] Hey, look what else your tax dollars pay for, huh?
[Eddie and Lou laugh as the door slams shut]


The Simpsons Game (2007) (VG)
Homer Simpson: [while fighting Matt Groening] How dare you name me after your father!

Homer Simpson: [while fighting the Lard Lad statue] Bart! You'll have to fight him! I'm too drunk to!

Homer Simpson: [while fighting the Lard Lad statue] I can't hit him! He's too awesome!

Homer Simpson: [punching the defeated Lard lad statue in the crotch] Take that Lard Crotch!

Matt Groening: It is I, animation's most beloved visonary!
Homer Simpson: Seth McFarlane?

Marge Simpson: Bart! What are you doing next to a video game store?
[gasps]
Marge Simpson: Buying a video game!
[she snatches the game form Bart]
Marge Simpson: This is going to the same place that I put your swimsuit magazines, and BB gun! Homer's underwear drawer.
[she storms off]
Bart Simpson: Oh great, now I've got nothing to play except the games I got yesterday. And I'm totally sick of those!
[the Simpsons Game manual falls on Bart, who picks it up]
Bart Simpson: The Simpsons Game? Hmm... the only Simpsons Game I know is when we pretend Dad isn't an alcoholic. Hey, it's a game about Springfield! With Dad as a character, and Mom, and Lisa... who'd wanna play her?
[gasps]
Bart Simpson: I'm in this game? I wonder what my powers are? Jumping, leaping gliding...
[he turns into Bartman]
Bart Simpson: All right!
Homer Simpson: [appears clutching a gun and a magazine] Hey Bart, look what appeared in my magic drawer. Hey what's with the fruity get-up? If you're planning to come home like that don't bother.

Homer Simpson: It's a nerd!
Will Wright: Not just any nerd. The nerdiest nerd in all the cyberverse!
Lisa Simpson: Dad that's Will Wright. Creator of Sim City and The Sims.
Will Wright: Don't forget my biggest flop: Sim Sandwich Maker. It's failure drove me mad.

Bart Simpson: You've got video game powers on your side. It's sort of like cheating except... cheating.
Homer Simpson: Woohoo! Cheating!

Lisa Simpson: It's the mother ship!
Bart Simpson: This must be the level boss for this part of the game.
Homer Simpson: The boss! Quick act natural.
[puts on business glasses and pretends to write on a clipboard]

Bart Simpson: It's Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Don't bother crying out in terror. In space no one can hear you scream.
Bart Simpson: We're not in space.
Sideshow Bob: Well, we are on a spaceship.
Homer Simpson: Not the same thing.

Marge Simpson: Bart, what are you doing near a video game store?
Marge Simpson: [gasps] Buying a video game?
Marge Simpson: [gasps] I've heard about this. It's the game where you play a meanie-bo-beanie who murders other meanie-bo-beanies.
Marge Simpson: I'm putting this game in the same place I put your swimsuit magazines, and your BB Gun: Homer's Underwear Drawer.
Bart Simpson: [groans] Oh, Great. Now I have nothing to play except the games I bought yesterday. And I'm totally sick of them.
Bart Simpson: [the Simpsons Game manual falls from heaven and lands in front of bart] The Simpsons Game? Hmm... this is so weird.
[picks up manual]
Bart Simpson: The only Simpsons Game I can think of is the one where we all pretend dad isn't an alcoholic. What could it be?
Bart Simpson: Wait a second, this is a manual for a video game set in springfield!
[gasp]
Bart Simpson: And dad is a character! And so is mom. And lisa... who'd wanna play her? Whoa, I'm in this game! I wonder what my moves are, jumping, floating, oh man I gotta try this!
Bart Simpson: [turns into bart man with heroic pose and wind blowing behind him] Wow, this is the only good book ever written!
Homer Simpson: Hey boy, look what appeared in my magic drawer. Hey, what's with the fruity get-up? If you're planning on coming home like that don't bother.
Bart Simpson: Dad, I'm a superhero now and I have all these awesome powers.
Homer Simpson: Superpowers, huh? Well that's cool I guess. I was gonna go shoot bats while reading swimsuit magazines in this cave. Wanna come with?
[Homer removes lid from manhole, Homer and Bart jump in]

[a panel on a game cartridge opens up, revealing the Simpsons family from the very first Simpsons game ever made]
Homer Simpson: Wow. We look so pixely.
Bart Simpson: And poorly rendered.
Marge Simpson: Which one is supposed to be me?

[when Will Wright threatens to destroy the original Simpsons game]
Homer Simpson: [yells] You can't do this!
Will Wright: Of course I can! I'm Will Wright, bitch!

[when Bart kills an alien]
Homer Simpson: Way to go, fruit of my loom!

[when Bart kills an alien]
Homer Simpson: Atta boy! Kill things that are different!

Lisa Simpson: If our life's a video game, then this must be the game engine.
Homer Simpson: I'm not a video game character. I'm a real person with feelings and dreams and...
[accidentally walks off a the edge and falls only to reappear next to them again]
Homer Simpson: Okay I'm a video game thingie.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVII (#18.4)" (2006)
Homer Simpson: [During the panic over the suspected alien-invasion] Burn everything!
Lenny: Hey Homer, we haven't actually seen these aliens.
Homer Simpson: That's alien talk!
[shoots Lenny]

Homer Simpson: If I can keep down Arby's, I can keep down you!

Homer Simpson: Must eat more fat people! Thank God I'm in America!

Homer Simpson: Son. Let me have a lick at you!

Homer Simpson: Must eat... then poop... then eat some more... then eat while pooping.

Homer Simpson: Ooh, a space marshmallow!

Bart Simpson: Dad, you're eating Dr. Phil.
Homer Simpson: It's amazing; he tastes just like Jeffrey Tambor.

Lisa Simpson: [the town just recovered from a "War of the Worlds" radio scare and Homer is too smart to fall for anything ever again] Dad, a flying saucer just blew up that statue.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, it's just a radio show!

Homer Simpson: So, it's a war of the worlds
[He looks out the window into the sky]
Homer Simpson: Good thing we have the sun on our side!

Radio Broadcaster: Astronomers say the ominous capsules originated from Earth's closest neighbor.
Homer Simpson: Flanders?
Radio Broadcaster: Mars!

Radio Broadcaster: We interrupt this dance music from Lamourian Roman Capital City's Fabulous Hotel Hitler to bring you a special bulletin.
Homer Simpson: Hey, I'm not done dancing! This bulletin better swing!

Marge Simpson: Homer, you won't touch my stuffed peppers, but you'll eat our son?
Homer Simpson: Oh, nag, nag, nag.

Bart Simpson: [Golem kicks a hole in Bart's bedroom wall] Can't you read my writing? I didn't say "Kick Homer's walls".
Homer Simpson: [Homer walks into the bedroom] Bart -
[Golem kicks Homer in the crotch]
Homer Simpson: Ooop!
Bart Simpson: That's more like it.


"The Simpsons: Love Is a Many Strangled Thing (#22.17)" (2011)
Marge Simpson: Homer, the game is right here.
[points to football field inside stadium]
Homer Simpson: [chuckles] Oh, that's right! I hope you kids are enjoying yourselves today, because you and your children will be paying for this place long after the team moves to another city.

Marge Simpson: You've destroyed our son's self-esteem.
Homer Simpson: Well, it was your idea to give him self-esteem in the first place.

Dr. Zander: Homer, to emphasize the seriousness of this situation, I'm going to turn my chair around backwards.
Homer Simpson: [screams]

Grampa Simpson: Aw. My son's first stroke.

Edna Krabappel: Bart Simpson. What would your father say if he knew what you were doing?
Bart Simpson: He'd say, "I'm a grown man who's scared of my son."
Edna Krabappel: I find that hard to believe.
Bart Simpson: Oh yeah? Look.
[points to Homer]
Homer Simpson: [writing "I'm a grown man who's afraid of his own son" on chalkboard] How many more, sir?
Bart Simpson: Fill the board, then wash my car.
[Tosses set of keys at Homer]
Homer Simpson: But these are my keys!
Bart Simpson: What was that?
Homer Simpson: My keys... ter is ready for another whooping, sir.

Homer Simpson: How could two people from the same family need therapy?

Homer Simpson: But I don't want to go to parenting class. All the other neglectful parents will make fun of me. They're so cliquey.
Marge Simpson: You'll be all right. You always are.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I miss my friends from drunk driving class. They were so cool.

Dr. Zander: Wait a minute! You strangle your own son?
Homer Simpson: Yeah, strangling. I'ts not the only tool in my parenting arsenal, but it's the sharpest.

Homer Simpson: Doctor, you made me see my life of through Bart's neck.
Dr. Zander: Homer, you've made a lot of progress. I'm sure with a few years of biweekly sessions, I'm sure...
Homer Simpson: Uh, I lied about having health insurance.
Dr. Zander: And you're cured.

Mr. Burns: Simpson, you saved my life. Anything you want, just mention it.
Homer Simpson: All your money and all your stuff.
Mr. Burns: Lower and likelier.
Homer Simpson: Super Bowl tickets? Playoff tickets? Regular season tickets on Bobblehead day?
Mr. Burns: No-head day!

Dr. Zander: You're serious? You mean you lay your hands on your son's neck?
Homer Simpson: Yeah. I guess it's the way I was brought up.
[Flashback to Homer as a boy]
Grampa Simpson: Homer, your grades are a disgrace. No more TV for a month.
Homer Simpson: Why you little...
[Strangles Grampa]

Homer Simpson: I couldn't quit drinking any more than I could quit being a man.
[Pours from a flask into his orange juice and drinks it]
Homer Simpson: Ah, now it feels like morning.


"The Simpsons: Natural Born Kissers (#9.25)" (1998)
Marge Simpson: When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to buy a refridgerator motor?
Homer Simpson: Eh, I never thought I'd live this long.

Marge Simpson: We drank so much, that night!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit.
[laughs]
Marge Simpson: [laughs uneasily] Yeah...
Homer Simpson: Well, this time I'm drunk on love... and beer.

Marge Simpson: Oh, this is so naughty. Coming back to our old love-nest.
Homer Simpson: It hasn't changed since that magical evening when I knocked you up.

Bart Simpson: There's gotta be something to do around here. Hey, are they pulling the plug on anybody today?
Grampa Simpson: Nope, everybody's paid up.

Homer Simpson: Hey, look what was in here! A program from that guy's funeral.
Marge Simpson: You mean Frank Grimes?
Homer Simpson: Yeah! Yeah! Whatever happened to that guy?

Grampa Simpson: Now you got her, Bart. Jump Lisa's king.
Rod Flanders: I'm not Bart. I'm Rod Flanders.
Grampa Simpson: There you go with that smart mouth! Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch.
Todd Flanders: Yes sir!

Carl Carlson: Hey Homer, see you at Moe's?
Lenny Leonard: He put new electrical tape on the cushions!
Homer Simpson: Sorry, guys. Marge and I are spending the weekend at a bed 'n' breakfast.
Carl Carlson: Oh, trying to jump-start the old marriage, huh?
Lenny Leonard: Can I come?
Homer Simpson: Nah, it'd just be awkward. What with the sex and all.

Homer Simpson: Now they did say bed *and* breakfast, right?

Bart Simpson: You guys are sick.
[Bart and Lisa leave]
Marge Simpson: You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?
Homer Simpson: I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong!

Grampa Simpson: Cut me a switch!

Marge Simpson: Kids, I want to explain about the stadium. You see, sometimes, Moms and Dads get a little accustomed to each other.
Homer Simpson: Dads especially.

Homer Simpson: [Homer and Marge, both naked, land in the middle of a football field as the crowd gasps, cheers, and whistles] Why don't you take a picture? It will last longer.
[the whole crowd lights up with camera flashes]
Homer Simpson: D'oh!


"The Simpsons: Homer Goes to Prep School (#24.9)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: Smart Tykes? You promised us we were going somewhere fun!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, you promised, mom!
Marge Simpson: I keep telling you stop calling me Mom.
Homer Simpson: Yes, Mrs. Simpson.

Homer Simpson: America can't collapse. We're as powerful as Ancient Rome.

Homer Simpson: Well, what have we learned from our post-apocalyptic movie marathon?
Bart Simpson: People named Preacher or Deacon are very bad; water is money, unless gasoline is money; and although there are a lot of sharp objects around, nobody ever shaves.
Homer Simpson: Hollywood has taught you well, my son.

Homer Simpson: Your end of the world is better than our during the world.

Marge Simpson: You call yourself a good Christian?
Homer Simpson: If Jesus had a gun, he'd be alive today.

Lisa Simpson: Why is it whenever you wake us up early it means either church or getting new identities?
Homer Simpson: Don't be silly, Mary-Ellen.

Homer Simpson: Prepers? I hate you guys! With your blazers and country clubs, while we townies have to pay our own bills.
Lloyd: We're prepers, not preppies. But I like your hatred.
Homer Simpson: It's based on nothing.

Bart Simpson: What are we coing to do now? We've been here five minutes and I'm already bored.
Homer Simpson: Why don't you write down the names of all the celebrities rumored to be gay for future generations?
Bart Simpson: Yes, sir!
Homer Simpson: Society won't have to begin from square one.

Bart Simpson: Hey, dad. What would you do if you got my ear in the mail?
Homer Simpson: I dunno. Feed it to the dog?
Bart Simpson: You'll have to wrap it in cheese first.
Homer Simpson: Don't tell me how to feed you to the dog!

Homer Simpson: The apocalypse is coming. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe never, but it's coming, and soon.


"The Simpsons: That '90s Show (#19.11)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: We wouldn't be in this mess if you just paid the heating bill.
Homer Simpson: I thought global warming would take care of it. Can't Al Gore do anything right?

Homer Simpson: Oh, Elaine. Will you ever find someone who's spongeworthy?

Bart Simpson: The Nineties? Never heard of it.
Homer Simpson: It was a wild decade. The Gulf War was over once and for all, a struggling artist named Matt Groening hit it big with Futurama, and young people had faith in their dreams thanks to a little show called Melrose Place.

Homer Simpson: He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life.

Marge Simpson: Professor August says that situational comedy is a dying artform.
Homer Simpson: You know what I say to that? No soup for you! Because I'm master of my domain... Newman!

Marge Simpson: I've learned so much. Did you know that every president was a straight white male?
Homer Simpson: Even Walt Disney?

Homer Simpson: Give me a beer, Moe.
Moe: I don't serve alcohol anymore. This is a cigar bar now.
Homer Simpson: Fine. Cohiba me. Leave the humidor.

Homer Simpson: I had finally achieved every rock star's dream: hating being famous.

Homer Simpson: [singing] Razorblade of apathy / Shave me with your irony / Shave me! / Shave me! / Shave me!

Homer Simpson: This place is nothing like Animal House. I smashed a beatnik's guitar and he sued me for damages... successfully!


"The Simpsons: The Regina Monologues (#15.4)" (2003)
Tony Blair: Hello, welcome to the United Kingdom.
Homer Simpson: Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone?
Tony Blair: No. But thank you.

Homer Simpson: Well Marge, you gotta admit, I've been on my best behaviour this trip.
Marge Simpson: You punched out three people on the street.
Homer Simpson: That was over soccer results. Can you believe they gave Giggs a yellowcard in the box?
Marge Simpson: Do you understand any part of what you just said?
Homer Simpson: I understood the word 'gave'... unless it means something else in this country!

Homer Simpson: Oh Marge, I am so sorry. I should have listened to whatever it was you were saying.
Marge Simpson: It's partly my fault. I've been nagging you so much on this trip; you couldn't know which nags to focus on!

Homer Simpson: Well Marge, if I die in here there's one thing I want you to remember. Don't buy any videotapes in England. They won't work with our VCR!

Homer Simpson: America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!

Homer Simpson: That's it! I'm acting the way America acts best: unilaterally!

Homer Simpson: We're big shot tourists from everyone's favourite country, the USA. We saved your ass in Vietnam and shared our prostitutes with Hugh Grant, so give me some free maps and none of that dry British wit.

Homer Simpson: Marge I'll be on my best behaviour. You have my word as a gentlemen and a lady. Now let's see, which rifle should I bring?

Homer Simpson: I've been jailed on six continents. All I have to do is kill a penguin.

Homer Simpson: Good luck!
Ian McKellen: That's bad luck too!


"The Simpsons: At Long Last Leave (#23.14)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: How you doing, Mr. Assange?
Julian Assange: That's my personal information and you have no right to know about it. Hey, but we're neighbors. Would you like to come over for a movie sometime?
Marge Simpson: Is it Iraqi journalists being murdered?
Julian Assange: Don't be ridiculous. It's an Afghan wedding being bombed.
Homer Simpson: Well I have a really big secret for you.
[whispers]
Homer Simpson: I'm not wearing any underwear.
Julian Assange: You know, you should really get out less.

Marge Simpson: It says here we have to stay inside the shelter for three hours.
Homer Simpson: So if you have to fart, do it now.
Marge Simpson: Homer! What if those were your last words on Earth?
Homer Simpson: Honey, you know my last words will be "I can outrun that lion."

Lisa Simpson: Why do we have to sit here? If we leave now, we could see what the town looks deserted.
Bart Simpson: I could write whatever I want on the school chalkboard.
Lisa Simpson: I could watch a planetarium show without the second-hand marijuana.
Homer Simpson: And I could drive drunk while sober.
[Cut to Homer driving erratically]
Homer Simpson: It's fun, but not as fun.

Homer Simpson: You always assume that a big picture of us in a secret meeting we weren't invited to is a bad thing.

Homer Simpson: I always thought tar and feathered was just an expression. How are you going to pave your roads and stuff your pillows now?

Homer Simpson: If you cast us out, you will be cursed with a thousand year drought!
[Suddenly the sky becomes cloudy and start to rain]
Homer Simpson: I mean a thousand year flood.
[the clouds parts and it stops raining; a rainbow appears on the distance and a flower grows at Homer's feet]
Homer Simpson: D'oh! I mean a thousand years of perfect weather.

Homer Simpson: There's only one way out. I have to man up. Okay, manning up... Manning up... Manning...
[high-pitched whine]
Homer Simpson: Oh, girling down! Girling down!

Bart Simpson: You sure this is a good idea?
Homer Simpson: This is the Outlands, boy. Ideas aren't good or bad, they're just free.

Homer Simpson: The old homestead. Remember when we first moved in?
[talks from side of mouth]
Homer Simpson: And I talked like this?

Homer Simpson: Lisa, everyone knows dragons do not attack cars. Geez, pick up a book.
Lisa Simpson: [annoyed] I pick up books like you pick up beers!
Homer Simpson: Then you have a serious reading problem.


"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
Snake: Give me my car, fatty!
Homer Simpson: What? This is my car! And I'm not fat, it's glandular!
Snake: Right.
[they start fighting over the steering wheel]

Declan Desmond: I can't believe it! Homer Simpson a bloody millionaire?
Homer Simpson: Why are you so shocked? This is our fifth take.

Mr. Burns: What are you people doing in my summer home?
Homer Simpson: This is Eduardo, our pool boy. He thinks he's an angry rich man.
Mr. Burns: I am an angry rich man!
Homer Simpson: That's the pool chemicals talking.

Declan Desmond: Are you and Marge planning on having children?
Homer Simpson: No way! You won't find a couple of rugrats tying me down.
[Cut to Homer and Marge with young Bart and Lisa]
Homer Simpson: I hope you don't use this shot after the one where I say I won't have kids, because that would be a devastating edit.

Homer Simpson: [to Mr. Burns] Please pretend you work for me. You can have the boy. Just don't beat him.
[Whispering]
Homer Simpson: You can beat him. Just don't leave marks.

Homer Simpson: It's been another 8 years, and what do I have? Same job, same house, same dirty joke book...
[looks at it and laughs a bit]
Homer Simpson: I just thought for once I could be the cool guy in your movie, but all I am is the guy who makes everyone else look good.

Homer Simpson: I will! I will be rich! I'll own a football team and a basketball team and I'll make them play baseball!

Marge Simpson: The biggest change for me over the last 8 years... that's gotta be Homer.
Homer Simpson: Marge, baby, I got a picture of you tattooed on my chest!
[he opens his shirt to reveal a skull with Marge's hairdo]
Homer Simpson: They had a sale on skulls.

Homer Simpson: All those years I was dreaming of other things, I was actually doing what I really wanted: hanging out with my family, drinking with my friends, making friends with my family and hanging with my drinking.


"The Simpsons: Dangerous Curves (#20.5)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: How many times must I say I'm sorry?
Marge Simpson: You haven't said you're sorry.
Homer Simpson: I know. I was hoping the number would be zero.

Sylvia: My horoscope told me I would meet the man of my dreams today.
Homer Simpson: Well, a horoscope wouldn't lie to a pretty lady.

Sylvia: You want to go limbo?
Homer Simpson: You mean the dance, or the place where unbaptized babies go? Either way, I'm in.

Homer Simpson: Here we are.
Bart Simpson: A log cabin? What am I, Davy Crockett? - Also, who's Davy Crockett?
Homer Simpson: Kids, this place has very special memories for your mother and me.
Bart Simpson: Well, leaving right now will become a special memory for me!
[Lisa chuckles]
Marge Simpson: [sing-song] They have a pedal car.
Bart Simpson: [sing-song] Pedal cars suck.
Lisa Simpson: [sing-song] They're worse than walking.
Homer Simpson: [sing-song, to Lisa] I'll put a hundred bucks in your college fund.
Lisa Simpson: [sing-song] I'll take ten bucks now!
Homer Simpson: [sing-song] I'll steal it back when you're sleeping!
[gives Bart and Lisa $10 each]

Bart Simpson: Hey, knock it off back there.
Homer Simpson: But we're married.
Bart Simpson: All right, but keep it PG.
Homer Simpson: How about R?
Bart Simpson: PG-13.
Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo! Adult situations!

Patty Bouvier: I can't believe Homer ruined another family picnic.
Homer Simpson: [offended] Hey! Everybody pees in the pool!
Selma Bouvier: Not from the diving board!

Homer Simpson: I never thought I'd say this, but...
[mumbling to himself]
Homer Simpson: ... stupid Flanders.

Homer Simpson: [In a flashback to before they were married, Ned won't let Homer sleep with Marge] But I have urges!
Ned Flanders: That's just your trouser devil talking.
Homer Simpson: He's not talking, he's yelling!

Ned Flanders: Not married? And you were riding two abreast?
Homer Simpson: I wish! We were riding to a lake.


"The Simpsons: The Homer They Fall (#8.3)" (1996)
Homer Simpson: You used to be a boxer just like me?
Moe Szyslak: Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And finally, Kid Moe.

Marge Simpson: Homer, you don't know how to box, you're 38 years old, and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor.
Homer Simpson: No problemo.
[kisses her and walks off]
Marge Simpson: [realizes] A competent doctor!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Moe Szyslak: Are you man enough to test every one of your limits?
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Moe Szyslak: And are you man enough to throw a punch should the opportunity arise?
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Moe Szyslak: And are you man enough to give me a sixty percent cut?
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Moe Szyslak: I'll take it.
Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo!

Dr. Hibbert: You have an absolutely unique genetic condition known as "Homer Simpson" syndrome.
Homer Simpson: Oh, why me?

Homer Simpson: Son, there's only one thing punks like that understand: squealing. You've got to squeal to every teacher and every grown-up you can find. Coming to me was a good start.

Moe Szyslak: Who's gonna knock you down?
Homer Simpson: No one!
Moe Szyslak: When are you gonna fight back?
Homer Simpson: Never!
Moe Szyslak: What are you gonna do?
Homer Simpson: Nothing!
Moe Szyslak: That's my boy!

Marge Simpson: Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a soviet sub? A suede briefcase case? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems.
Homer Simpson: [gasping] Marge, look! "The world's best jacket." If I had this, it would show everybody!
[vengefully]
Homer Simpson: Show everybody...!

Moe Szyslak: Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with them than I did.
Homer Simpson: Gee, thanks, Moe. What's this?
Moe Szyslak: Ah, that's the barbed wire. We called that the stinger. They, uh... they don't let you use that no more.

Homer Simpson: I'll make a fortune for one night's work! We can have all the things we always dreamed of: a snooty butler, carpeted carports, those blue cupcakes they sell sometimes...
Marge Simpson: But you'll get killed!
Homer Simpson: Marge! Will you let me finish? Plug-in room deodorizers, front and rear spoilers for the car...


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
Homer Simpson: Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and no beer make Homer something, something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer Simpson: Don't mind if I do!
[goes crazy]

Homer Simpson: Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

[a ghostly Moe appears in the hotel's bar]
Moe Szyslak: So, what'll it be, Homer?
Homer Simpson: Moe, gimme a beer!
Moe Szyslak: No. Not unless you kill your family.
Homer Simpson: Why should I kill my family?
Moe Szyslak: Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.
Homer Simpson: You don't look so happy.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, I'm happy! I'm very happy! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! See? Now waste your family, I'll give you a beer!

Moe: Homer, it's Moe. Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.
Homer Simpson: Can't murder now, eating.
Moe: Oh, for crying out loud. Come on!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, look!
[holds TV up]
Homer Simpson: Television! Teacher, mother...
Homer Simpson: [lustily] ... secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading - rising! Fading... fading... gone.
[family sighs]
Homer Simpson: Come, family. sit in the snow with daddy and let us all bask in TV's warm glowing warming glow.
[Hours later, everyone is frozen]
man introducing Tony Awards: [on TV] Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!
Bart Simpson: [with difficulty] Homer... change channel.
Homer Simpson: Can't! Frozen!
[music on TV: "One chorus line of people...?]
Homer Simpson: [family screams]
Homer Simpson: Urge to kill... rising...

Homer Simpson: [Homer is falling through a time warp filled with clocks] Wow! I'm the first non-Brazillian person to travel backwards through time!
Mr. Peabody: [Mr. Peabody and Sherman, the time traveling duo from the Rocky & Bullwinkle show, float past] Correction, Homer, you're the second.
Sherman: That's right, Mr. Peabody.
Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you!

Ned Flanders: Just relax, let the hooks do their work.
Homer Simpson: What the hell are you smiling at?

Lisa Simpson: Are we taking the new Nexus to aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?
Homer Simpson: Hum, fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan, WOO HOO! I hit the jackpot!


"The Simpsons: The Color Yellow (#21.13)" (2010)
Grampa Simpson: [to Lisa when she looks sad] Don't cry, meat pie!

Lisa Simpson: I can't believe the Simpsons were descended from slave owners.
Homer Simpson: Me neither. For once, a Simpson in management.
Marge Simpson: Homer!

Hiram Simpson: What's for dinner tonight?
Mabel Simpson: Possum.
Hiram Simpson: Again? Why can't we ever have opossum?
Mabel Simpson: Not on your salary.
Hiram Simpson: I can't believe I buttoned my britches for this.

Abraham Simpson: I'm taking that secret to my grave, or urn, or medical college dissecting table, or wherever you're planning on dumping me.

Lisa Simpson: But why would you keep it a secret from us all these years?
Abraham Simpson: Well, how can I explain this to a young person? People of my generation were, you know...
Lisa Simpson: Racist?
Abraham Simpson: That's it!

Grampa Simpson: I warn you, sweetie. Whatever is in that journal, if it's about a Simpson, it's no good.
Grampa Simpson: Our ancestors were kicked out of Australia.

Marge Simpson: Bart, what are you going to do for Black History Month?
Homer Simpson: I know, you could march to Selma, and tell her she's ugly.

Lisa Simpson: Not only did we restore our familiy honor, it turns out we're one-fourth black.
Bart Simpson: So that's why I'm so cool.
Lisa Simpson: So that's why my jazz is so smooth.
Homer Simpson: So that's why I earn less than my white co-workers.


"The Simpsons: Viva Ned Flanders (#10.10)" (1999)
Ned Flanders: [Notepad in hand] I'm ready to learn, Homer. Just give me the topic sentence.
Homer Simpson: Give me that!
[Throws Ned's notepad out the window]
Homer Simpson: That's your problem. You're living up here.
[Points at head]
Homer Simpson: You should be living down here...
[Lowers finger an inch]
Homer Simpson: ... in the impulse zone.

Homer Simpson: What if we switched wives? Would that help?
Ned Flanders: For the last time, NO!

Ned Flanders: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "think?"
Homer Simpson: Who, Lisa?

Homer Simpson: Eat my dust, dust!

Bart Simpson: Alright here comes the implosion!
Demolition Worker: [Pushes the plunger down] Implosion, I thought you said...
Don Rickles: [Burns Casino blows up in a cloud of dust with Don Rickles flying out in the air] HOCKEY PUCK!
Homer Simpson: [as they all run from the dust] Hehe Don Rickles zinged you Marge!

Homer Simpson: [to Ned Flanders, as he locks the car doors] I think you'll find that escape is quite impossible.
Ned Flanders: [Unlocks the door] No, I got it!

Homer Simpson: [sees Justin Hayward, Graeme Edge, John Lodge and Ray Thomas] Aargh! The Moody Blues!

Homer Simpson: Well, well, so flawless Flanders needs help from stinky pants Simpson.
Ned Flanders: Haha, yeah I guess I do.
Homer Simpson: Welly, welly, welly, Mr. Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus McGee
Ned Flanders: How about it Homer, will you teach me the secrets of your intoxicating lust for life?
Homer Simpson: Wellity, wellity, wellity...
Ned Flanders: Stop that! Will you help me or not?
Homer Simpson: Let's do it.


"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Maybe (#21.11)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: With you at my side, this toast will do just what it's supposed to: steal focus from the bride.

Homer Simpson: Here I have all this money, and I can't even use it to help the woman who gave birth to me.
Barney Gumble: Why don't you buy stuff for your family and leave it where they can find it?
Homer Simpson: That's brilliant! Just for that, you can help yourself to anything from this tree.
Barney Gumble: But that's not the money tree.
Homer Simpson: This is the tree where I hide my adult magazines.
[Barney reaches inside, pulls out issues of The Economist]
Barney Gumble: Whoa!

Bart Simpson: You should treat yourself. You work hard for us, or at least you're out a lot.
Homer Simpson: You're right. I have been acting like Telethon Jerry Lewis, when I should have been acting like rest-of-the-year Jerry Lewis.

Moe Szyslak: Not so fast. Don't forget my cut.
Homer Simpson: What cut?
Moe Szyslak: Oh, I just go around saying that hoping it's applicable. Well, off I go again.

Bart Simpson: Question: who says potahto?
Homer Simpson: Songwriters who are stuck on lyrics.

Lisa Simpson: I can buy a digital converter for you.
Grampa Abraham Simpson: Great! You can use the money we would have given to televangelists.
Lisa Simpson: That's a lot of money. How long has the TV been out?
Jasper: Ten minutes.

Lenny Leonard: Homer's got a girlfriend!
Homer Simpson: She's not my girlfriend. She's a girl I used to go out with and then married who used to be my friend.

Homer Simpson: Could you use someone like me in your band?
Chris Martin: Sure, Homer. Come on up, you can play tambourine.
Homer Simpson: I said someone like me, I didn't say me.


"The Simpsons: Replaceable You (#23.4)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: And best of all, I got the funding for the Homer Humiliator.
[Cut to Homer standing by the Homer Humiliator, which hits him in the face with a pie and kicks him in the groin]
Homer Simpson: Oh, why would a Homer Humiliator do this to me?

Homer Simpson: I learned something today. Did you know that my work is the reason I get those checks every week? And now that I've been demoted, those checks have gotten smaller. Not in physical size, but in...
Marge Simpson: I know!

Roz: Who told you?
Homer Simpson: I won't say, but his initials are S.F.
Roz: Stupid Flanders!

Homer Simpson: [meeting Roz] A woman of stature!

Abraham Simpson: Second place isn't the worst thing. Look at poor Jasper. His wife died, his children don't call, soon he'll be nothing but bones and beards.

Ned Flanders: If you have the stones, I can show you how to slay this Gal-iath.
Homer Simpson: Are you aware that stones means man junk?
Ned Flanders: It does? I've been using it around the boys!
[faints]

Roz: I want a list of 100 ways to make your life worse by the end of work today.
Homer Simpson: Can one of the ways be making the list?
Roz: No.
Homer Simpson: Can some of them be callbacks to earlier ones?
Roz: Also no.
Homer Simpson: Ohh!

Homer Simpson: Oh, Flanders! You're my personal savior!
Ned Flanders: Well, now, I don't approve of...
Homer Simpson: [Bows down] Hail Flanders! Mightier than Jesus!


"The Simpsons: My Mother the Carjacker (#15.2)" (2003)
Grampa: Mona, I'll always remember raspberry trolley cars, because my mind is shot.

Homer Simpson: Mom, I swear on your eventual grave, I will never, ever let the police get their hands on you!

Lisa Simpson: I say we hit them where they live. With a candlelight vigil.
Homer Simpson: Candlepin bowling? That's a great idea. We'll play right after I break your grandmother out of prison.

[Homer and Bart are changing messages on a highway warning sign. A message comes up: Stacey will you marry me?]
Homer Simpson: Awww.
[Next message: What do you mean 'no'?]
Homer Simpson: Haha! Loser!
[Third message: I hope your car blows up]
Homer Simpson: Geez, pal.

Homer Simpson: [in the witness box] Now I'm not a man who's good with words...
[very long pause]

Homer Simpson: I couldn't sleep because I thought there might be a sign of my mom in one of these articles. They never did find her body.
Bart Simpson: Then what was in the coffin?
Homer Simpson: Last week's garbage. I missed the pickup date.

Homer Simpson: [to a sleeping Bart] Psst... hey pal. Hey buddy, wake up. Wanna go on an adventure with your old man?
Bart Simpson: No...
Homer Simpson: You have no choice.
[camera pulls back to reveal they're already driving in the car]
Homer Simpson: There's coffee in the thermos.

Homer Simpson: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.
Marge: You *always* go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?


The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Marge Simpson: Homer, you have to go out there, face that mob, and apologize for what you did.
Homer Simpson: I would, but I'm afraid if I open the door, they'll take all of you!
Carl: No we won't. We just want Homer!
Homer Simpson: Well, maybe not you, but they'll kill Grandpa!
Grampa: I'm part of the mob!

Grampa: [shouting from church floor] Twisted Tail... A thousand eyes... Trapped forever!

Grampa: [as Springfield is being sealed in the dome] That crazy old man in church was right!

Grampa: Homer? What are you doing now?
Homer Simpson: Risking my life to save people I hate for reasons I don't quite understand. Gotta go!

Marge Simpson: [Springfield has just been encased in a glass dome] EPA! It's all come true.
Grampa: [about himself] That crazy old man in church was right.

Homer Simpson: So, who wants waffles?
Bart Simpson, Grampa, Lisa Simpson: I do! I do! I do!
Marge Simpson: What about Grampa?
Bart Simpson: I want syrup!
Lisa Simpson: I want strawberries!
Marge Simpson: Shouldn't we be concerned about what happened in church?
Homer Simpson: I'll tell you what happened. A certain someone had a senior moment, but that's okay, because we love him anyway, and we got a free rug out of it.
[Kisses Grampa on the forehead]
Marge Simpson: What's the point of going to church every Sunday if when someone we love has a genuine religious experience we ignore it? Right, Grampa?
Grampa: I want bananas on my waffles.
Homer Simpson: I rest my case.

Marge Simpson: "A thousand eyes." What could that mean?
Grampa: Hmm. I'm pretty sure a thousand... is a number.


"The Simpsons: A Tree Grows in Springfield (#24.6)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: I'm in an abusive relationship with life. It keeps beating the hell out of me, and I'm too much of a coward to leave.

Marge Simpson: Homer, don't you think you're putting all your eggs on one basket?
Homer Simpson: What do you want me to do, put each egg on one basket?
Marge Simpson: Hmm, I guess you're right. I better scratch that off my list of things to say.

Homer Simpson: This is your miracle, a tree? Ooh, look at me. I can turn sunlight into complex sugars. Big whoop!

Ned Flanders: Homer, stop eating the miracle!
Homer Simpson: Fine, I'll just go eat the body of God. That's not crazy.

Homer Simpson: I never win anything. It'll probably be some jerk no one ever heard of.
Principal Skinner: And the winner is...
Homer Simpson: Here it comes.
Principal Skinner: ...Homer Simpson!
Homer Simpson: Get him! I mean... Woo-hoo!

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, you'll make a full recovery. But I'm afraid your MyPad is gone.
Homer Simpson: But it only had eighty percent of its charge left.
Dr. Hibbert: This is the part of my job I hate most: talking to crazy people.

Homer Simpson: Folks, hope isn't just inside the house of God, it's outside the house of me!


"The Simpsons: Marge Gamer (#18.17)" (2007)
[Homer runs a lot, and then pukes in a nearby cone]
Homer Simpson: Does somebody have another barf cone?

[Homer notices a sideline official waving his out-of-bounds flag]
Homer Simpson: Hey! You got something against the American flag, bub?
[Homer headbutts the guy in the stomach]
Little Girl: Hey! That's my dad!
Homer Simpson: I'm your dad now!

Homer Simpson: Son, I will never understand women if I live to be forty.
Bart Simpson: Big if.
Homer Simpson: You said it. Enjoy me while you can.

Homer Simpson: That's soccer? All this time I was calling it human foosball.

Homer Simpson: Marge, you have to get on the net. It's where all the best conspiracy theories are. Did you know Hezbollah owns Little Debbie Food Snacks? This stuff will rock your world.

Homer Simpson: [refereeing Lisa's soccer game] Yellow card!
Lisa Simpson: You can't give me a yellow card. You're my dad!
Homer Simpson: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your dad. And judging by how tight they are, I'll never be anyone else's dad, either.

Homer Simpson: Thanks, honey.
Homer Simpson: I prepared by watching hours and hours of soccer.
Homer Simpson: I almost saw a goal once.
Homer Simpson: But there were SO MANY ads for Spanish cell phones!


"The Simpsons: Regarding Margie (#17.20)" (2006)
Homer Simpson: I'm gonna take care of you until your amnesia goes scramnesia.

Homer Simpson: See that ball of fire in the sky? That's the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo's lantern, day moon, old blazy. The important thing is, never to touch it.
Marge Simpson: I know what the sun is.
Homer Simpson: Yes, now you do.

Marge Simpson: Mr. Simpson, I don't even know you! I am not making love with you.
Homer Simpson: But what if we...
[Whispers]
Marge Simpson: You're describing how to parallel park.
Homer Simpson: [Crying] You used to love my non sequiturs.

Bart Simpson: Dad, isn't it wrong to read or eat other people's mail?
Homer Simpson: Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad news: bills, court summons, Entertainment Weekly. Now for the first time in my life, I'm getting rich people mail. You wouldn't take that away from me, would you?
Bart Simpson: Oh, dad. Nobody can rationalize like you.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Just keep jogging her memory until she remembers.
Homer Simpson: Jogging? Oooh!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Homer, I don't mean you jogging.
Homer Simpson: Sweet.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: But you should.
Homer Simpson: Jogging? Oooh!

Grampa: So how long will you be rooming with me?
Homer Simpson: The rest of your life, for sure.

Marge Simpson: Now I have a question. Who are you people?
Homer Simpson: [gasps] She doesn't recognise us!
Homer Simpson: [shakes Dr. Hibbert] You monster! What have you done to my face?


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#7.1)" (1995)
Lisa: I don't think anyone in this family could be capable of murder.
Grampa: You never know what people are capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane. But last year, I proved myself wrong.

Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer Simpson: D'OH!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "d'oh".

Homer Simpson: [after taking a gun from someone] Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you!
[realizes that he's about to shoot him]
Homer Simpson: [calmly] Before.

Grampa: Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse.
[leaves]
Lisa: We don't have an outhouse.
Homer: AH! My toolshed!

Mr. Burns: Homer Simpson?
Homer Simpson: So, you finally learned my name eh?
Mr. Burns: [shaking his head] Homer Simpson.
Homer Simpson: I've got no time for your demented parlor games! You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you.

Lisa: I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder.
Grampa: You never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a german plane. But last year I proved myself wrong.

Marge Simpson: Grampa, I found your cigar box dug up in the backyard, but the gun wasn't there. Have you seen it?
Grampa: You accuse me of everything around here! "Who put slippers in the dishwasher? Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch?"
Marge Simpson: I was just asking if you'd seen it. There's no need to be a prickly pear.
[Marge leaves the room. Grampa pulls out his Smith & Wesson revolver and caresses it]
Grampa: Oh, you're the bee's knees, baby. I missed you bad...
Marge Simpson: [returning] Were you talking to me, Grampa?
Grampa: [hiding the gun] Uh... yes.
Marge Simpson: [shudders] Ugh.


"The Simpsons: Wild Barts Can't Be Broken (#10.11)" (1999)
Lisa Simpson: And guess who's been practicing medicine without a license?
[Dr. Hibbert nervously pulls at his sweater neck]
Lisa Simpson: That's right. Homer Simpson.
Homer Simpson: [far off] D'oh!

[At an Isotopes game, the pitcher blows his arm out after the first pitch]
Homer Simpson: I'm gonna warm up the car.
Marge Simpson: But there's only been one pitch.
Homer Simpson: And it *sucked*.

[Homer, Lenny, and Carl are drunk]
Lenny: Hey, let's go to the little league diamond and drive around the bases.
Carl: No, the Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion.
Homer Simpson: Shut up. It's my car and I say we're going to the lost city of gold.

Lisa Simpson: It's not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything.
Homer Simpson: Well, if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them? Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse.
Bart: What about adultery?
Homer Simpson: Not until you're older, Son.

Homer Simpson: Stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get outta here!
Lisa Simpson: Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?
Homer Simpson: Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.
Lisa Simpson: Even you?
Homer Simpson: Especially me.

Kent Brockman: [to Homer] Sir, your beloved Isotopes are about to make history. Any thoughts?
Homer Simpson: Uh-huh, it's a great team, Kent. We never gave up hope. I wanna thank Jesus and say hi to my special lady, Marge. We did it, baby! Whoo! Whooooo!
Kent Brockman: The inspiring words of a fan who'll always root, root, root for the home team. Even if they lose this ga...
Homer Simpson: They lost? Those losers!
Kent Brockman: No, no, no, the game's not over.
Homer Simpson: Whoo! Not over! Whoo!
Kent Brockman: There you have it: whoo.

Bart: The cops can't just slap a curfew on us. We have rights!
Marge Simpson: Sure you do. You have the right to remain silent!
[she and Homer laugh]
Homer Simpson: That was cold blooded, Marge.


"The Simpsons: Exit Through the Kwik-E-Mart (#23.15)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: [Seeing Bart's "Dope" tags] That guy in the poster seems awfuly familiar.
[Sees reflection in rear view mirror]
Homer Simpson: Don't just stand there. Think of a theory.

Bart Simpson: I want to show you that I'm sorry, and they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so...
[Spray-paints "I'm Sorry" on the hood of the car]
Homer Simpson: You just ruined my car.
Bart Simpson: Correction, I just made it ten times more valuable.
Homer Simpson: Five thousand dollars? Woo-hoo!

Homer Simpson: Now, now, Homer. Can't strangle the boy on his mother's birthday. Juries hate that.

Homer Simpson: [Laying his head on the cedar chips on the rabbit cage] This isn't so comfortable. I don't see how a rabbit can...
[falls asleep]

Bart Simpson: From now on, if anyone laughs at you, they're gonna have to go through me.
Homer Simpson: What about the Incredible Hulk riding a rhinoceros? Are you gonna stop him from laughing?
Bart Simpson: Is the Hulk laughing, or the rhinoceros?
Homer Simpson: Both, but the rhinoceros doesn't know why, he's just trying to fit in.

Lisa Simpson: I don't get it. How can you be an undercover cop?
Shepard Fairey: Don't look so surprised. For thirty years I've been telling people to obey.
Abraham Simpson: What happened to you? You used to be the dean of the underground scene.
Shepard Fairey: I'm not about sucking up to posers anymore. I just sell them stuff now.


"The Simpsons: Whiskey Business (#24.19)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: You want to erase the 2009 Oscar red carpet? But they had some amazing dresses, along with a few disasters!
Marge Simpson: Fine, then what should I erase?
Homer Simpson: I don't know, but hands off my Hoarders, don't erase any of my episodes of Episodes, and if you erase any of my episodes of Revenge...

Homer Simpson: First we have to make sure you're okay. Who's President now?
Moe Szyslak: Some jerk.
Homer Simpson: He's okay.

Marge Simpson: While we're away, Grampa is going to take care of you.
Abraham Simpson: [Giving baby food to the mailbox] You sure are a good eater, Maggie.
Marge Simpson: Bart, you take care of Grampa.

Abraham Simpson: I want a foot rub.
Bart Simpson: But do you need a foot rub?
Abraham Simpson: No one needs a foot rub. Now start rubbing!

Bart Simpson: So I did all of that for nothing?
Abraham Simpson: Sorry, I faked it like we fake loving your homemade gifts.
Bart Simpson: But mom said it was made with love.
Abraham Simpson: Did she?
Bart Simpson: No.
Abraham Simpson: But what you did wasn't for nothing. You made these last two weeks the best two weeks of this horrible part of my life.
Bart Simpson: Aw, Grampa. You're the one thing I've ever taken care of that didn't die.
Abraham Simpson: I get that a lot.

Moe Szyslak: Without my magic suit, I'm nothin'.
Marge Simpson: Moe, have you ever heard the story of Dumbo the elephant?
Moe Szyslak: I didn't go to the movies much as a child. I worked at a pierogi factory. Stick in the potato, fold in the dough, that was my Star Wars.
Marge Simpson: Dumbo had a magic feather that made him fly, but then he found out that the feather wasn't magic. The magic was inside him all along.
Lisa Simpson: Let me get this straight: Moe is Dumbo, the whiskey is Dumbo's ears, and we're that bunch of racist crows?
Homer Simpson: Honey, the crows weren't racist. The people who drew them were.


"The Simpsons: Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish' (#7.22)" (1996)
Grampa: What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem.

Grampa: Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles...
[the children laugh]
Martin Prince: "Dickety"? Highly dubious!
Grampa: What're you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem!

Bart: I'm sorry I cost you your fortune, Grampa.
Grampa: Oh, the fortune doesn't matter, boy, the important thing is you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!

Marge Simpson: Where are we going to put him?
Homer Simpson: Bart's room.
Lisa Simpson: Bart's room.
Marge Simpson: Bart's room.
Bart Simpson: Dumpster.

Montgomery Burns: There, Simpson seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine.
Grampa: Over my dead body, it will!
Montgomery Burns: That's exactly the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?
[Grampa's pants fall down with a "boing" sound]
Grampa: How long was that?

[a hit man breaks into the retirement home and hoses down the rec room with a machine gun. Escaping, Grampa flees to the Simpson house, where he is heard pounding on the door]
Grampa: Let me in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet merciful McGillicuddy, you gotta open the door!
Homer Simpson: Who is it?


The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)
Homer Simpson: Oh, great, now I have alien masters.

Homer Simpson: Donuts - is there anything they can't do?

Homer Simpson: Marge, my brain hurts!

Homer Simpson: I wish *we* had a gingerbread house.

Grampa Simpson: In my day, donuts could float.

Grampa Simpson: I enjoy being a girl.


"The Simpsons: Gorgeous Grampa (#24.14)" (2013)
Grampa Simpson: [as Gorgeous Godfrey] You are the luckiest people in the world: you get to look at me!

Homer Simpson: Why are you reading on such a beautiful day when there's TV to watch.
Lisa Simpson: Well, it is the golden age of well-written, well-acted television.
Homer Simpson: Pfft! Writing is for bathroom walls and acting is for getting out of speeding tickets. Television was created to watch white trash men do made-up jobs.

Homer Simpson: [Marge is crying] Marge, what's wrong?
Marge Simpson: I so wanted your father to be gay.
Grampa Simpson: On VE Day I kissed a man by mistake.
Marge Simpson: Thank you.

Homer Simpson: My father was not gay! He was just a man whose wife left him because he didn't show her love or attention.
[Beat]
Homer Simpson: Oh, my gay dad is gay for gays!

Homer Simpson: Spill the beans, old man! Word beans!

Homer Simpson: Should I let the men who ruined my past and present have dinner with the boy who will ruin my future?
Bart Simpson: I'll send you some desert.
Homer Simpson: Text me the options.


"The Simpsons: Black-Eyed, Please (#24.15)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Look at the size of that bird. I'd go Henry VIII on those drumsticks.

Ned Flanders: I want you hit me in the eye. If you do, we'll be even according to Exodus, Leviticus and Matthew.
Homer Simpson: So you went and hired a law firm, eh?

Dr. Hibbert: You'll need to wear an eyepatch for a couple of weeks, but I'm afraid you might never see another 3-D movie again.
Homer Simpson: But the storytelling is finally catching up to the technology.

Edna Krabappel: Only one way to get rid of her: the nuclear option.
Homer Simpson: How much plutonium do you need? I must warn you, it might take me twenty minutes to get it.

Ned Flanders: How long has it been since we prayed together, neighbor?
Homer Simpson: This is praying? Get me out of here!

Homer Simpson: Unions are the worst. There's this one guy at the plant. Has caused three meltdowns, and he's still working there.
Marge Simpson: Homer, that's you.
Homer Simpson: Oh. I say union, you say power. Union!
Marge Simpson: [flatly] Power.
Homer Simpson: Union!
Marge Simpson: Power.
Homer Simpson: [Whispers] You're a little flat on the powers, but don't worry. The union's got our backs.


"The Simpsons: Politically Inept with Homer (#23.10)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: Hello, I'm Homer Simpson. I'm not just another blowhard. I say the things you think but are afraid to say. But not racist things!

Homer Simpson: All I want is what everyone wants: preferential treatment.

Bart Simpson: From now on, if someone asks, I'll say you are my father.
Homer Simpson: Oh, son. Now I regret bad-mouthing you to that girl you like.

Homer Simpson: Marge, I'm off to meet the Republican Party to select their new candidate. If there's sandwiches, do you want me to bring some?

Homer Simpson: My fellow Americans, I am full of crap.
Lisa Simpson: I knew you were, dad. I always knew.

Homer Simpson: You can check my carry-on, but you can't check my spirit! And why is there moisture between the windows? And don't wake me up to land! Just LAND!


"The Simpsons: Mypods and Boomsticks (#20.7)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: So, now that we're alone, death to America, right?

Moe Szyslak: Homer, this is serious. That Bashir kid is Muslim, and that means he's up to something.
Homer Simpson: I really shouldn't pass judgment until I see a fictional TV show espousing your point of view.

Marge Simpson: Remember our deal: we each get to return one Christmas gift with no hurt feelings. I'm returning this kitten calendar.
[Calendar has "from Bart" sticker on it]
Lisa Simpson: Um, I'm also returning the kitten calendar.
Homer Simpson: Kitten calendar.
[Maggie holds up calendar]
Bart Simpson: But those are fifteen month calendars. That means three extra kittens.
[He takes all the calendars]
Bart Simpson: Fine. That's the last time I shop for all of you at the last minute.

Homer Simpson: [about a banner that reads "Sorry for my intolerance"] That banner has paid for itself over the years.

Bashir: Excuse me, sir. Your son dropped this.
[Gives Homer Bart's slingshot]
Homer Simpson: Sir? That's the kind of respect you have to strangle out of American kids.
Bashir: Bart didn't tell me he had an older brother.
Homer Simpson: [Flatered laughter] I'm really 38.
Bashir: 38 waist, I'd believe.
[Homer laughs]

Homer Simpson: I heard somewhere your people are hospitable.
Mina: That is true. You may come in.
Homer Simpson: Praised be Oliver!
Mina: That's Allah.
Homer Simpson: We'll look it up in the Corona.


"The Simpsons: Homer Simpson in: 'Kidney Trouble' (#10.8)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa Simpson: Because they discovered gold right over there.
Homer Simpson: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

Marge Simpson: This should be very educational. I want you kids to pay attention.
Tour Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days; Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trail hand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
Homer Simpson: Three minutes.
[whistles]
Marge Simpson: I never realized history was so filthy!
Tour Guide: First on our tour is the whore house. Then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello, and finally the old mission.
Marge Simpson: Oh, thank heaven.
Tour Guide: Lots of prostitutes in there!

Grampa Simpson: [finishes a drink] Ah, can't get a good sasparilla like this back in Springfield. It angries up the blood.
Bartender: Heh, you like it, huh?
Grampa Simpson: Up yours!

Grampa Simpson: Am I dead yet?
Marge Simpson: No.
Grampa Simpson: How about now?
Marge Simpson: No.
Grampa Simpson: Now?
Marge Simpson: I'll tell you when you're dead, Grampa.
Grampa Simpson: Thank you.

[after drinking too much sarsaparilla at a town bar, Grampa needs to use the bathroom as the Simpsons are driving home]
Homer Simpson: We're almost home, Dad. Only a couple more times over the horizon.
Grampa Simpson: But I might explode!
Homer Simpson: You just sit back and relax. I'm not going to let anything happen to my old dad.
[Scene cuts to Dr. Hibbert holding an X-ray]
Dr. Hibbert: Oh my God! This man's kidneys have exploded!

Homer Simpson: [Homer has joined the crew for a ship of lost souls] Well, back on land my name was Homer Simpson... and I guess it is here too. I promised my Dad one of my kidneys but I chickened out at the last minute and left him on his deathbed.
[the crew are appalled and throw Homer overboard]


"The Simpsons: Brick Like Me (#25.20)" (2014)
Homer Simpson: I don't wanna go to church. I'm too busy going crazy.

Homer Simpson: [about Survival Games] I just want to see kids fight to the death, that's all!

Homer Simpson: Kiss my flat, plastic butt, reality!

Homer Simpson: I wish I lived in Little Springfield, where everything fits together and no one ever gets hurt.

Homer Simpson: [Seeing real Homer in his reflection] Marge, did you replace our regular mirror with a magical mirror from a mystical salesman at a weird shop that if we went back to find it it wouldn't be there anymore?


"The Simpsons: The Scorpion's Tale (#22.15)" (2011)
Grampa Simpson: Here, go buy yourself some rock and roll records.
Bart Simpson: To the antique store!

Grampa Simpson: Hold on there, Fritz. Before you squeeze out any of my grampa grease, ask me this question. What did you do during the war?
Walter Hottenhoffer: World War II? I wasn't born yet.
Grampa Simpson: Funny how many Germans say that nowadays.

Homer Simpson: Thanks for giving us a tour of your factory, Mr. Wonka.
Walter Hottenhoffer: I am not Willie Wonka.
Bart Simpson: No, you're Augustus Gloop, the fat German kid.
Walter Hottenhoffer: Yes, it's true. I am Gloop. Being stuck in that tube changed me in so many ways.

Grampa Simpson: Now that's what I call a fishing trip.
Homer Simpson: That's what I was going to say.

Bart Simpson: This is great. It's like we have our own monster.
Homer Simpson: Grampa is not a monster. Now let's take him down to the basement and chain him.
Grampa Simpson: Sounds fine to me.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIX (#20.4)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Hello, I'd like to vote for president, governor, and anything else that will take money away from our parks and libraries.

Homer Simpson: This doesn't happen in America! Maybe Ohio, but not in America!

Homer Simpson: Lisa, what's happening?
Lisa Simpson: If I were to guess, I'd say two alien races who have been fighting for centuries have chosen our planet to fight their final battle.
Homer Simpson: It is a good planet to settle things.

Lawyer: Mr. Simpson, you have a talent for killing celebrities.
Homer Simpson: Well, I'm no drunk driving.

Homer Simpson: Before you kill me, I have to know, what is the one true religion?
Krusty The Klown: It's a mixture of voodoo and Methodist.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XX (#21.4)" (2009)
Marge Simpson: [Dracula, the Mummy, Frankenstein's monster and the Wolfman are at the door] Friends of Homer's?
Homer Simpson: They're not my friends.
Count Dracula: We brought a bottle of booze. Booooze!
Homer Simpson: Come in, come in.

Homer Simpson: To the panic room!
Marge Simpson: We don't have a panic room!
Homer Simpson: To the panic room store!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, are you becoming a muncher?
Homer Simpson: I think the better brains is, which brains is a brains?

Marge Simpson: Does this mean you still love me?
Homer Simpson: Of course I do. Can you still love a man who's half beer?
Marge Simpson: I always have.

Rainier Wolfcastle: Come with me if you want to live.
[He is attacked by munchers]
Homer Simpson: Another politician who can't keep his promises.


"The Simpsons: Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield (#7.14)" (1996)
Homer Simpson: But Marge... valets! For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding "you're making a scene."

Gate Guard: Name, please.
Homer Simpson: Simpson family.
Marge Simpson: We're not poor.
[the whole family stares at her]
Marge Simpson: Well, we're not.

Bart Simpson: That place is weird. A man in the bathroom kept handing me towels, until I paid him to stop.
Homer Simpson: [holding a stack of towels] Should have held out longer, boy!

Homer Simpson: Good morning, Mr. Burns. Beautiful day to be outside, isn't it?
Mr. Burns: Rant on, Simpson, but your vainglorious boasting will only add savor to my inevitable triumph.
Homer Simpson: [pause] Yes.

Mr. Burns: Use the open-faced club! The sandwedge!
Homer Simpson: Mmm... open-faced club sandwich...


"The Simpsons: Stark Raving Dad (#3.1)" (1991)
Homer Simpson: [after Leon moonwalks] How do you do that thing with your feet?
Leon Kompowsky: You mean the moonwalk?
Homer Simpson: No! That thing with your feet!

Homer Simpson: I can't wear pink! Everyone at work wears white! I'm not popular enough to be different.

Homer Simpson: [Trying to scrub off stamp that reads "insane"] Come off! I'm sane now!

Doctor: After analyzing your husband, we have determined that he's not a danger to anyone.
Homer Simpson: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Can I have it in writing?

Leon Kompowsky: We call this one the Chief. He's been here since 1968. Never says a word. Never moves a muscle.
Homer Simpson: Hey.
Chief: Hey.
[All the doctors gather around muttering and writing notes]
Chief: Well, it's about time someone reached out to me!


"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: Oh, hi, kids. You're just in time to go to the dentist.
Bart Simpson: Dentist? You said we were going dirt biking through the cementery.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, Bart. You keep falling for that one every six months.
Homer Simpson: [Carrying a dirt bike] Check it out, suckers! Marge is taking me dirt biking through the cementery.
Lisa Simpson: No, dad. You're going to the dentist too.
Homer Simpson: "Why the cementery?", I wondered, but my dreams were too strong.

Kent Brockman: Tonight on Smartline, our report from the Middle East will not be seen, so that we may bring you a man who bought an ice cream cone.
Homer Simpson: That's me.
Kent Brockman: Of course, that has nothing to do with the fact that the ice cream parlor and this station are owned by the same company, but I digress.

Homer Simpson: Ow, my gums! It hurts so much!
Dentist #1: But I haven't even started yet.
Homer Simpson: I know, but a breeze from that open window is blowing into my mouth.

Homer Simpson: I will not stay in the same house as someone from the liberal media.
Lisa Simpson: You'll have to excuse him. He's been watching a lot of Fox News.
Homer Simpson: Did you know that every day Mexican gays cross our borders and unplug our brain-dead ladies?

Marge Simpson: Don't you just love that fresh mouth feeling?
Homer Simpson: Who wants ice-cream?
Bart Simpson: I can't wait to get the freshness out of my mouth.
Homer Simpson: I'm gonna glue my mouth shut with butterscotch.
Marge Simpson: [weakly] Oh, yay.


"The Simpsons: Brawl in the Family (#13.7)" (2002)
[playing Monopoly]
Lisa Simpson: These hotels are made of LEGOs. Bart, you're cheating!
Marge Simpson: Lisa, it was probably an accident.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, sure. You take his side, just because he bought you that house on St. James Place.
Bart Simpson: Who else is going to take care of her? Dad?
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[Homer starts strangling Bart]
Marge Simpson: Stop fighting!
[Marge starts strangling Homer]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, that's not how you pry them apart.
[Lisa grabs Bart's arm and tries to pull him away from Homer]
Marge Simpson: I've been prying them apart since before you were born!

Abe Simpson: [to Homer] You know, I have a son about your age.

[Ginger wakes up next to Abe]
Ginger: Wha?
Abe Simpson: Good morning, honey.
Ginger: Who are you?
Abe Simpson: I'm your husband. We got married yesterday.
Ginger: But, how? We didn't?... You know. Did we?
Abe Simpson: You know, we almost didn't. But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer.

Homer Simpson: Okay, why are we in the woods? Is this Heaven?

Homer Simpson: Aah, the sweet couple of seconds before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn.


"The Simpsons: Half-Decent Proposal (#13.10)" (2002)
Artie Ziff: Tell me, Homer, what's it like being married to Marge?
Homer Simpson: It's like being married to your best friend - who lets you touch her boobies!

Homer Simpson: This is the perfect job. I'll leave the world the same way I came into it - dirty, screaming and torn away from the woman I love.

Marge Simpson: I haven't lost so much sleep since little Barty had the scoots.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, there's a surgical option, but it's not cheap.
[Writes something on a slip of paper, and slides it across his desk to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Here's what it costs.
Homer Simpson: [Reads paper] Interesting. Here's my counter-offer.
[Writes something on the paper and gives it back to Hibbert]
Dr. Hibbert: [Reads. The note says, "Do it for free"]
[Chuckles, then turns very serious]
Dr. Hibbert: Get out.

Homer Simpson: Okay, Artie, you get her for the weekend - but no funny stuff. And by "funny stuff" I mean hand-holding, goo-goo eyes, misdirected woo - which is pretty much any John Woo film...
Artie Ziff: Your wife's virtue shall remain as untouched as Bill Gates' weight room.

Homer Simpson: Oh, no! If Marge marries Artie, I'll never be born.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Sax (#9.3)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass on the words of advice my father gave me.
Grampa Simpson: [in Homer's mind, as he remembers] Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly! If a strange man offers you a ride, I say, take it!
Homer Simpson: Lousy traumatic childhood!

Homer Simpson: Bart son, do you want to play catch?
Bart Simpson: No.
Homer Simpson: Oh, when a boy doesn't wanna play catch with his old man, something is seriously wrong.
Grampa Simpson: I'll play catch with you, son.
Homer Simpson: Get the hell out!
Grampa Simpson: I'm gone.

Marge Simpson: And so, just as things looked their worst...
Grampa Simpson: I realized I could make money selling my medication to dead-heads!
Marge Simpson: Grandpa, what are you talking about?
Grampa Simpson: Ohh... nothing.

Marge Simpson: Well, Grandpa, as long as you're here, we were telling a story that took place when Bart was five, and Lisa was three.
Grampa Simpson: Oh, I know this story! The year was nineteen-ought-six. The President is the divine Miss Sarah Burnheart. And all over America, people were doin' a dance called the "Funky Grandpa"!
[sings]
Grampa Simpson: Oh... I'm... the...
[falls asleep standing up]

Homer: Hey boy. Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grampa: I'll play catch with you.
Homer: Go home.


"The Simpsons: Them, Robot (#23.17)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: [robot gets run over while pushing Homer out of the path of an oncoming truck] That could have been my motherboard lying in the street.
Robot J25: Our primary directive is to preserve human life.
Homer Simpson: And here I was, waiting 'til you slept to rob you of your copper.

Homer Simpson: I can go one weekend without drinking, just like when I was in that alcohol-induced coma.

Homer Simpson: So you're my new co-workers, eh? Working hard or hardly working?
[Robots don't respond]
Homer Simpson: I said, working hard or hardly working?
[Angrier]
Homer Simpson: Working hard or hardly working? It's a simple question! Are you A: working hard, or B: hardly...
[Robot shocks Homer]
Homer Simpson: I think we found our office cut-up. I'd better stay away from you on April Fools Day, am I right?
[Angrily]
Homer Simpson: I said, am I...
[Robot shocks him again]

Ned Flanders: Homer, I believe this is the part in God's plan where you get killed by robots.
Homer Simpson: Oh, Flanders. I don't judge a robot by the color of their eyes. I judge them by what they have in their hands, which have turned into buzzsaws.

Homer Simpson: Before we die, can you at least tell me your real age?
Mr. Burns: Well, it has four digits...


"The Simpsons: Brother's Little Helper (#11.2)" (1999)
Principal Skinner: I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son
Marge Simpson: [gasps]
Principal Skinner: Unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous...
Homer Simpson: Candy bar?
Principal Skinner: No. It's a new drug called Focusyn.
Marge Simpson: A drug? I know Bart can be rambunctious, but he's not some hyperactive monster.
[Bart appears outside the window, dressed as a cheerleader]
Bart Simpson: Gimme an F! Gimme an art!
Principal Skinner: Good Lord! He's gotten into the pep closet!
Homer Simpson: I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.

Bart Simpson: I don't wanna take drugs.
Homer Simpson: Sure you do. All your favorite stars have used drugs. Brett Butler, Tim Allen...
Marge Simpson: Tommy Lee...
Homer Simpson: Andy Dick...
Bart Simpson: He's just flamboyant.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, and I'm a size four.

Marge Simpson: Hmm?
[reads a note taped to her chair]
Marge Simpson: "Thank you in advance for a world class meal. You're an inspiration to our entire organization. Thank you again, Bart." Oh, what a thoughtful gesture.
Bart Simpson: Cost of paper: five cents. A mother's love: priceless.
Marge Simpson: Aw.
Homer Simpson: Do I get a card?
Bart Simpson: No, but here's a book called "Chicken Soup for the Loser" that gave Bill Bruckner the courage to open a chain of laundromats.
Homer Simpson: Hmmm... my career has kind of lost momentum.

Marge Simpson: Bart's so well-behaved now. Maybe you and I can have a night out.
Homer Simpson: Ooh! Let's go to the water park! My ten-year ban ended yesterday.
Marge Simpson: I was thking of something a little more... adult.
[whispers]
Homer Simpson: Oh, Marge!
Marge Simpson: And then afterwards...
[whispers some more]
Homer Simpson: Hee-hee, hee-hee! Really? With butterscotch on it?
Marge Simpson: I think you misheard me.

Principal Skinner: Thank you for coming.
Homer Simpson: Thank you for getting me out of work.


"The Simpsons: Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder (#11.6)" (1999)
Chief Wiggum: Alright smart guy, where's the fire?
Homer Simpson: Over there.
[Homer points to a fire at the police station]
Chief Wiggum: Okay, you just bought yourself a 317, pointing out police stupidity... Or is that a 314? Nah nah, 314 is a dog uh, in, no or is that a 315?... You're in trouble pal.

Lenny: Hey Carl, check out the overhead scoreboard.
Carl: [laughs] Poo... Ah, Homer. What whacky name do you want?
Homer Simpson: Are poo and ass taken?
Carl: Yeah.
Homer Simpson: Damn! Could my life get any worse?
[Burns appears on Homer's bowling ball]
Montgomery Burns: Simpson! Duhf, even for a bowler you're fat.
Homer Simpson: Hey guys, is it normal to see Burns' face on a bowling ball?
Lenny: Nnh, actually I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode.
Homer Simpson: Ugh, what a rotten day!
[Homer rolls a strike]
Lenny: Wow, a strike. Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I taking these?
[Lenny throws out his pills]

[after Homer bowls another strike]
Lenny: Hey Homer, that's four strikes in a row! You've got a perfect game going.
Homer Simpson: Really?
Carl: Careful what you say Lenny, you'll jinx him.
Lenny: Oh, right, sorry.
Lenny: Miss! Miss!... Sorry, I was calling the waitress...
[talking to waitress]
Lenny: Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke.
Homer Simpson: Lenny!
Lenny: What? I paid seven-ten for this split.
Carl: Would you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad?
Lenny: Hey, spaaare me your gutter mouth.
[Lenny gets hit in the groin with Homer's bowling ball]

[Homer takes Maggie to the beach]
Homer Simpson: See Maggie, the ocean is just like a bathtub, except instead of rubber duckies it has barracudas and moray eels.

[Homer gets pulled out to sea by a giant rip tide]
Homer Simpson: Nothing to worry about. Just a little wave. And this rip tide is certainly nothing daddy can't struggle against. Help! Help! Somebody Help!... Current too strong... I know, if I sink to the bottom I can run to the shore.
[Homer sinks to the bottom, but quickly loses energy and has to come back up]
Homer Simpson: Maggie! Call Aquaman!


The Simpsons: Tapped Out (2012) (VG)
Homer Simpson: Lisa! Thank God you're here to guide me through this tutorial.
Lisa Simpson: What happened?
Homer Simpson: Difficult to say, sweetie. The town blew up, I built our house and you showed up.
Homer Simpson: All we know for sure is, I'm completely blameless.
Lisa Simpson: Hmmm. Maybe if we keep building things, Mom and Bart will show up too.
Homer Simpson: I'm sure they will. This thing would be way too sad if they didn't.
Lisa Simpson: Then let's do it. But first, we should clean this place up a bit.
Homer Simpson: You're joking right?

Homer Simpson: Cleaning, really? I can't believe that's what passes for fun in games these days.
Lisa Simpson: It's tedious, I know. That's why I want to do some too!

Lisa Simpson: Wow, the ornate interior and new age looking exterior of Swanky Fish is impressive!
Homer Simpson: But I thought this was a seafood place. What's with all this rice, avocado, and... yuck! Is this seaweed?
Lisa Simpson: It's called Nori wrap. Sushi really is an art form.
Homer Simpson: But I don't want my food to be an art form. I want it to be food.

Lisa Simpson: Evergreen Terrace is starting to take shape. Now we need to build the Flanders house.
Homer Simpson: Okay.
Homer Simpson: Let's start by looking for the spot on the map furthest from any place I'd ever want to go...
Lisa Simpson: But Dad, Mr. Flanders is our neighbor, so we'll have to move the Kwik-E-Mart somewhere first.
Homer Simpson: grumbles. Okay, but I better get an achievement for this.

Homer Simpson: Oh, work? I thought this was a game!


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
Marge Simpson: I must say, Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate - selfish, even.
Bart Simpson: Burns needs some serious boostafazoo, right Dad?... Dad?... Homer!
Lisa Simpson: [Bart pulls paper away to reveal Abe]
[Abe, Bart Lisa all scream]
Lisa Simpson: Sorry, Grampa. It's just that for a second it looked like Dad had melted.
Abe Simpson: Well, get used to it, 'cause I'm living here now. I ain't going back to the retirement home until they fish my bed out of that sinkhole.

Marge Simpson: Strained carrots for Maggie, strained carrots for Grampa.
Abe Simpson: [Whining] I want a bib too!

Abe Simpson: Hey, the lamp's running away!
Bart Simpson: That's my dog, man!
Abe Simpson: So long, lamp.

Abe Simpson: [Bart finds Grampa's gun] That's my old Smith and Wesson. If you're gonna play with it, be careful, 'cause its loaded.
Marge Simpson: [Walking in] Argh! Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house.
Abe Simpson: [Marge takes the gun away] How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through that door?
Marge Simpson: I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it.
[Walks out]
Abe Simpson: Geesh! You should have fired into the air. She would have run off!

Mayor Quimby: People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it.
Quimby's Aide: [Whispers] Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.
Mayor Quimby: Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor.
Smithers: [Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up]
[Crying]
Smithers: Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to... a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!
Doctor Hibbert: Oh, dear God!
Smithers: Eh, it's not that bad. I never miss Pardon My Zinger.
[Ned wraps a blanket around him]
Groundskeeper Willie: Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.
Abe Simpson: Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines.
Crazy Old Man: You bastard!


"The Simpsons: Stealing First Base (#21.15)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: I need to talk to you about man stuff.
Homer Simpson: Talk to grandpa. He used to be a man.
Bart Simpson: He did?
Grampa Simpson: [Struggling to peel a banana] Come on, give up the goods, you yellow devil!

Principal Skinner: [On a school skit] I'm Bart Simpson, disruptive fourth grader.
Homer Simpson: I've finally caught one of Bart's plays.
Marge Simpson: That's not Bart, that's Principal Skinner. Bart's sitting right next to you.
Homer Simpson: Oh, now that I look closer, that guy can't fool anybody.
Principal Skinner: Shut up, fatso.
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[Runs onstage and strangles Skinner]

Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs Simpson, these are Brody and Madison McKenna. Their daughter is on Bart's class.
Brody McKenna: Mr. Simpson, your son engaged in unwanted mouth contact with our daughter.
Marge Simpson: They kissed?
Madison McKenna: On the slide.
Homer Simpson: That's all that happened, and I got to miss a day of work? Thank you!
Madison McKenna: Mr. Simpson, I'm a high-class lawyer, and my husband is a district attorney, and we're not happy.
Homer Simpson: Maybe you should get easier jobs.

Madison McKenna: Unless you make this school an affection-free environment, we'll sue you to the last dime.
Principal Skinner: [holds up dime] Here it is.
Madison McKenna: And we'll make you wish your son was ever born.
Homer Simpson: Already half way there, lady.

Marge Simpson: You told him to kiss her? Why didn't you just tell him to hit her over the head with a club and drag her to a cave?
Grampa Simpson: You mean second base? He's a little young for that.


"The Simpsons: The Haw-Hawked Couple (#18.8)" (2006)
Marge Simpson: Dear Lord, we thank you for the sexual intimacy we are about to enjoy.
Homer Simpson: And, as always, have fun watching.
Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson: Go, lovemaking!

Homer Simpson: This is that fantasy book that even grown-ups enjoy. Sad, lonely grown-ups.

Homer Simpson: Don't you say his name! In your mouth it comes out like filth. No man should outlive his fictional wizard. No man.

Homer Simpson: There, now she'll never have to know about death until it strikes someone close to her.

Abe Simpson: People say bullies are cowards. Well, they're wrong. Bullies are brave because they're strong.


"Family Guy: The Simpsons Guy (#13.1)" (2014)
Peter Griffin: [Homer strangles Peter] Ow, what the hell? That really hurts.
Homer Simpson: No, it doesn't. I do it to my son all the time.
Peter Griffin: You strangle your son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time.
Homer Simpson: That's *your* son!

Peter Griffin: [soaring across Springfield Gorge in a UFO] We're gonna make it!
Homer Simpson: Trust me, we're not.

Homer Simpson: [making friends with Peter] I think we're going to get along just okay.

Peter Griffin: [after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale] That's pretty good, right?
Homer Simpson: No. It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff.
Peter Griffin: Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been inspired by Duff, but I... I like to think it goes in a different direction.
Homer Simpson: No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse.
Peter Griffin: Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talkin' about. Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood.
Moe Szyslak: [takes the beer] Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud.
Moe Szyslak: Look at this.
[tears the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label revealing a Duff label]
Homer Simpson: Huh? It is Duff. Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own!

Homer Simpson: If we're gonna find your car, we've got to think like a car. So let's fill up at that gas station.
[a few moments later, they're both woozy from drinking gasoline]
Peter Griffin: I feel sick.
Homer Simpson: Keep drinking. I prepaid forty bucks.


"The Simpsons: American History X-cellent (#21.17)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: [apologizing to Lisa] It was an accident! I didn't mean to kill our ants.
Homer Simpson: [passing by] Patty and Selma are dead? Whoo hoo! Double funeral!
[Dances and sings]
Bart Simpson: Dad, before you jump to any conclusions...
Homer Simpson: Oh, please tell me they suffered.
[Patty and Selma appear]
Homer Simpson: G-G-G-hags!

Bart Simpson: Shall we let her live the rest of her life out in the wild, or in captivity like Grandpa?
Grampa Simpson: Hey, in my mind, I'm free!
Dream Grampa: [Inside a cage in Grandpa's mind] No you're not, ya idjit.
Grampa Simpson: Oh.

Mr. Burns: The plant's first annual Fourth of July company picnic is this upcoming weekend.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
Mr. Burns: No, you misunderstand. The picnic is for me. You will all be spending our Day of Independence slaving away at my mansion under the hot summer sun, without pay, water, or gratitude.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Mr. Burns: Yes, duh-oh indeed.

Lenny Leonard: Things have changed in the outside while you were gone. Wealthy people can beat the system now.
Carl Carlson: They don't have parking meters anymore. Now there's a little thing you swipe your credit card into.
Homer Simpson: The war is over and the future won. Past never even had a chance, man.

Carl Carlson: Say, Lenny. Care for some Chateau La Mondotte St. Emilion?
Lenny Leonard: That's a regular size bottle. I'm drinking Jeroboams.
Homer Simpson: I'm drinking Melchizedeks!
Lenny Leonard: Homer, that's a $60,000 bottle.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! I'm drinking my salary!
Carl Carlson: Wait a minute. Doesn't some of that go to taxes?
Homer Simpson: Hey, you're right.
[Pours wine on floor]
Homer Simpson: Stupid government, taking my hard earned stolen wine and making me spill it on the floor.
Lenny Leonard: I hear that!


"The Simpsons: The Telltale Head (#1.8)" (1990)
Homer Simpson: [on heaven] I can understand why they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who rollerskate and smoke cigars?

Bart: I was wondering, how important is it to be popular?
Homer Simpson: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.
Bart: So like, sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?
Homer Simpson: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?

Homer Simpson: A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

Bart: It's just a statue.
Marge Simpson: It's the statue of the trailblazing founder of our town!
Lisa Simpson: It's a symbol of what we can all do if we put our minds to it!
Homer Simpson: Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?


"The Simpsons: The Fight Before Christmas (#22.8)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: Hey, I thought you didn't want a Christmas tree.
Lisa Simpson: I didn't at first, but this tree is to remind us of mom. It serves as a reminder that someday this war will be over.
Homer Simpson: And someday TV will be invented, and it will be free, at first.
Lisa Simpson: Until then, this tree will stand for mom and everything she stands for: hope, family, and sweeping up dried needles.

Abe Simpson: Well, it looks like this'll finally kill it.
Jasper: The Simpsons?
Abe Simpson: No, Christmas.

Agnes Skinner: How come you're not off fighting like a real man?
Homer Simpson: I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.

Homer Simpson: Don't worry. I'm sure if something happened to your mother, they would have told us.
Pimple-faced Teen: Telegram!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[reads telegram]
Homer Simpson: "Marge Simpson is now MIA"? Oh, no! She changed her name to Mia!
Pimple-faced Teen: No, that means she's missing in action.
[Homer cries]
Lisa Simpson: See? Everytime we get a tree, something bad happens.
[runs away]
Homer Simpson: I wish it were me instead of her!
Pimple-faced Teen: There's still time. The recruitment office is right...
Homer Simpson: Shut up.


"The Simpsons: Beware My Cheating Bart (#23.18)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: And now to visit the only court I can never be in contempt of: the food court.

Treadmill Salesman: You look like you're close to death.
Homer Simpson: Close than you think.

Homer Simpson: She walked away, and she slammed the door. What does it mean?
Marge Simpson: It means that I'm mad!
Homer Simpson: That is such a first take answer.

Bart Simpson: [Jimbo holds him by the ankles] It's okay, dad. He's just putting the fear of God in me.
Homer Simpson: Carry on.
Jimbo Jones: You have a nice evening, sir.


"The Simpsons: The Ten-Per-Cent Solution (#23.8)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: My pants are splitting! Everyone will see my tattoo of Donald Duck smoking a doob. That's for Marge's eyes only.

Marge Simpson: Wasn't that show just a rip-off of The Honeymooners?
Homer Simpson: Every show is a rip-off of The Honeymooners. Baby, you're the greatest.
Marge Simpson: Oh, Ralph, Fred, Archie, King of Queens... I mean, Homer.

Annie Dubinsky: I was so devastated I didn't sleep with a clown for five months.
Homer Simpson: What about mimes?
Annie Dubinsky: Come on, I'm not made of stone.

Homer Simpson: Everything about the past is perfect, except how it led to the present.


"The Simpsons: Deep Space Homer (#5.15)" (1994)
Reporter 5#: Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending unqualified, under trained civilians into space?
Homer Simpson: The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... statue of liberty... that was our planet. You maniacs, you blew it up. Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Homer Simpson: You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day, I kept saying, "I'll go a little later, I'll go a little later..." And when I got there, they told me he just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he'll ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again!

[explaining why he believes he's finally going to win "Worker of the Week"]
Homer Simpson: "Union Rule 26: Every employee must win 'Worker of the Week' at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity or rank odor." Heh heh heh...

Homer Simpson: Stupid carbon rod. It's all a popularity contest.


"The Simpsons: Pranks and Greens (#21.6)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: Dad, Lisa's making me see both sides again!
Homer Simpson: Lisa, what did I tell you about that?
Lisa Simpson: But dad, shouldn't Bart see both sides to make an informed decision?
Homer Simpson: Well... But... Aw, now you've got me doing it!

Homer Simpson: What kind of place is this? There are no snack standees, no soda standees, no standees of any kind!
Marge Simpson: From now on, this family is eating food that looks bad on the shelf and looks good on your colon.

Homer Simpson: Why is that guy with a purse?
Lisa Simpson: That's a reusable grocery bag. This market doesn't use plastic bags because they end up on the oceans and interfere with jellyfish mating habits.
Homer Simpson: Stupid horny jellyfish neutering our dudes.

Homer Simpson: [after catching Marge with his stash of junk food] Marge, I've never seen this side of you: me.


"The Simpsons: Homer to the Max (#10.13)" (1999)
Homer Simpson: [Homer is buying a shirt] ... And I want the monogram to read "M-a-x P-o-w..."
Store Clerk: Sir, traditionally, mongrams are just your initials.
Homer Simpson: Max Power doesn't abbrieviate! In his name, each letter is as important as the one that preceded it. Maybe even *more* important... No, *as* important.
Store Clerk: Fine.
[She walks away with the shirt to apply the monogram]
Homer Simpson: And if there's any room left, add a bunch of exclamation points and a pirate flag!

Homer Simpson: [to Producers of "Police Cops"] I'm begging you! I'm a human being! Let me have my dignity back!
[the Producers nod at Homer; he gets up and walks face-first into a cactus]
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
"Detective Homer Simpson": [Next week on "Police Cops", the Homer Simpson character's coat is caught on top of a flagpole] Let me down, Chief, I'm beggin' you! I'm a human being, let me have my dignity back!
[the flagpole breaks, and Homer Simpson falls, crotch-first, onto a cactus below]
"Detective Homer Simpson": B'oh!

Homer Simpson: See, the great thing about animation is that you don't have to pay the actors squat.
Ned Flanders: [speaking in a different voice] But they can change them and no one would know the diddly-ifference.

Homer Simpson: Oh, I almost forgot. While I was at the court house, I had them change your name.
Marge Simpson: To what?
Homer Simpson: Chesty La Rue.
Marge Simpson: Chesty La Rue?
Homer Simpson: Just try it for two weeks. If you don't like it, you can be Busty St. Claire.
Marge Simpson: I don't want to be Chesty La Rue or Busty St. Claire.
Homer Simpson: Fine. Hooty McBoob it is.
Marge Simpson: Good night, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Good night, Hooty.
Marge Simpson: Let go of those.


"The Simpsons: Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-Annoyed-Grunt-cious (#8.13)" (1997)
Shary Bobbins: I do everything from changing diapers to telling stories.
Abe Simpson: Put me down for one of each!

Lisa Simpson: [as Shary flies away] Will we see her again, dad?
Homer Simpson: I'm sure we will, honey...
[Shary gets sucked into a jet plane's engine]
Homer Simpson: ...I'm sure we will.

Shary Bobbins: Hello. I'm Sharry Bobbins.
Homer Simpson: [excited] Did you say Mary Pop...?
Shary Bobbins: No! I definitely did not! I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse and Monald Muck.

Lisa Simpson: [as Shary flies away] Will we see her again, dad?
Homer Simpson: I'm sure we will, honey.
[Shary gets sucked into a jet plane's engine]
Homer Simpson: I'm sure we will.


"The Simpsons: D'oh-in' in the Wind (#10.6)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: Hey, what the heck is your middle name, anyway?
Homer Simpson: You know, I have no idea! Hey, Dad, what does the "J" stand for?
Grampa Simpson: How should I know? It was your mother's job to name you, and love you and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking.

Homer Simpson: But I can't ask Mom, she's on the run from the law!
Grampa Simpson: Serves her right for being a sixties radical! Though she was a demon in the sack!
[giggles]

Seth: You know Homer, your Mom was a pretty groovy chick.
Munchie: And a demon in the sack!
[Seth and Munchie laugh]
Grampa Simpson: Oh, you heard about that, eh?
[laughs]

Grampa Simpson: Hmm... I know where we might find your missing moniker. It's a bit of a drive, but on the way, we can have a nice father-son chat
Homer Simpson: Great! I'll go shoot myself for bringing this up.


"The Simpsons: Kill Gil, Vol. 1 & 2 (#18.9)" (2006)
Grampa: Can I stay home too?
Homer Simpson: You are going back to the home. I called a cab for you.
Grampa: But I haven't given you your presents.
Homer Simpson: Your present is leaving.
[Shoves Grampa outside and locks door]
Grampa: I don't see any cab.

Homer Simpson: Why haven't you thrown that bum out?
Marge Simpson: Christian charity.
Homer Simpson: Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with it?

Homer Simpson: Oh, those legs seem to go on forever. Oh, wait. They stop right there.

Marge Simpson: Gil's gone? But I have a "no" in me that needs to get out.
Homer Simpson: Anyone want a thousand dollar bill?
Marge Simpson: NO!... I mean, yes.
Homer Simpson: Too late!
[burns bill]
Homer Simpson: Don't worry. I make six of these a year.


"The Simpsons: To Cur with Love (#24.8)" (2012)
Marge Simpson: The pound hasn't reported any greyhounds, but they have a daschund, a schnauzer and a pregnant raccoon.
Homer Simpson: Sounds like a trade up. How much for the pregnant raccoon?
Marge Simpson: We're not getting a raccoon!
Homer Simpson: Good, Marge. Get the price down.

Homer Simpson: Well, I can't lift anything this heavy without my weightlifting belt.
[Bends down to reach belt, but cracks his back and moans]
Marge Simpson: You know you can't lift your weightlifting belt without wearing your weightlifting belt.

Bart Simpson: Your stories have endings now?
Grampa: Yup, ever since they started putting something in the jello at the home.

Homer Simpson: [Playing Villageville] Time to get a snack, but first, should I introduce the bubonic plague? Eh, what could be the harm?
[Selects "yes"]
Homer Simpson: Oh, now I have to buy a corpse wagon.


"The Simpsons: The Bart of War (#14.21)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: I didn't know you were such a Beatles fan.
Ned Flanders: Of course I am,! They were bigger than Jesus! But your boy went Yoko and brought up my collection!
Homer Simpson: Look, Marge! I'm Brian Epstein.
[drums his hands on some Beatles bobbleheads and giggles]
Homer Simpson: Now I'm Michael Jackson.
[in falsetto voice]
Homer Simpson: I own all your songs, losers.

Bart Simpson: [after the Calvary kids have won the prize for most boxes of candy sold even though their candy contained laxatives] I guess that's it, they beat us
Nelson Muntz: At least we made a lot of people sick
Homer Simpson: Well I'm not finished, where does it say we have to be gracious in defeat?
Bart Simpson: Its on the back of our vests
Homer Simpson: Marge remove that stitching

Marge Simpson: [a riot is occurring in Duff Stadium] All I wanted was to glue feathers on felt and teach the boys good citizenship
[she starts to cry and the cameraman turns the camera to her]
Homer Simpson: [Seeing her crying on the stadium screen] That's my wife and she's crying!
Groundskeeper Willie: Dry your tears lass
Otto Mann: Then show us your boobs
Drederick Tatum: [after repeatedly punching Moe] Dear God, why are we fighting?
Others: I ain't doing any fighting

Homer Simpson: [reading the Pre teen braves brochure] Hey these freaks do a lot of cool stuff, cookouts, bowling
Lisa Simpson: Maybe you should lead Bart's tribe?
Homer Simpson: You mean like some sort of madman?
Lisa Simpson: Ideally no
Homer Simpson: I'll do it!


"The Simpsons: No Loan Again, Naturally (#20.12)" (2009)
Lenny: Homer, how can you afford this Mardi Gras party every year?
Homer Simpson: Well, it's a little thing called a home equity loan. I spend all the money I want, and the house gets stuck with the bill. He he he he! Sucker.

Moe Szyslak: Here's what you do: get the media to expose what kind of monster he really is.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah. Just like Dateline did to you.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, three times. The third was nominated for a Peabody, whatever that is.

Homer Simpson: Squeaky board here, crack on the wall there, poltergeist in the closet...
Bart Simpson: [In closet, dressed as ghost] Ooooh! I died when Homer sat on me!
Homer Simpson: [Strangles Bart] Why you little... I'm the victim here!

Homer Simpson: Now he's nailing something to our door.
Lisa Simpson: Hmm. I wonder if it's theses?
Homer Simpson: Eww, that's gross.


"The Simpsons: There's Something About Marrying (#16.10)" (2005)
Homer Simpson: [Homer holds up map for a long time so that viewers can read the locations; addresses viewers directly] Have you read them all? Ok, good.

Patty: Hey, saturated fats. I came to ask you a favor.
Homer Simpson: Let me get my beltsander. Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face.
Patty: Very funny.
Homer Simpson: I wasn't joking!
[Homer pulls out a beltsander, turns it on, and advances on Patty]

Patty: I need a favor.
Homer Simpson: Hang on, I'll get my belt sander and try to grind the ugly off your face!
Patty: Ha, ha, ha, very funny.
Homer Simpson: I wasn't joking!
[pulls out a belt sander and turns it on]

Kent Brockman: Now, Reverend Simpson...
Homer Simpson: Please, Kent, call me your Your Holiness.


"The Simpsons: Puffless (#27.3)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: [Imagining Patty and Selma as fat] He, he! You're fat!
Patty Bouvier: You're even fatter.
Homer Simpson: Damn straight! No one outfats me!

Marge Simpson: I hate it when you and Selma fight.
Homer Simpson: Me too. I also hate it when you agree.

Bart Simpson: Hey, Lis. You think I can use denture adhesive to climb the walls?
[Tries it, and falls on his head]
Lisa Simpson: No. Next time wait for my answer.
Homer Simpson: Cut it out you two. Your grandma's medicine cabinet is not a toy chest. Ooh, Vicodin.

Abraham Simpson: Nothing can top an old man's romantic gesture.
Charles Montgomery Burns: [Arrives inside a gift box hauled by Smithers] Except a rich man flaunting his wealth.
Abraham Simpson: Oh, the one thing I can't compete against: competition.


"The Simpsons: Double, Double, Boy in Trouble (#20.3)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: This looks like a job for CAPTAIN CRAZY! Up, up and away!
[He jumps out of a ski lift and falls like a stone]
Homer Simpson: Oh, come on, gravity. You used to be cool.

Homer Simpson: Stupid grocery list, making food into work.

Homer Simpson: That boy has become a Dennis-level menace.

Marge Simpson: [concerned about Bart's unusual behavior] Maybe he's going through certain changes.
Homer Simpson: If that boy thinks I'm paying to put him through four years of puberty, forget it! Stupid kids, think I'm made of hormones.


"The Simpsons: Ned 'N' Edna's Blend (#23.21)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: [Wearing Jesus' robe] Ooh, roomy. Our Lord really knew how to keep 'em cool.

Bart Simpson: Hey, dad. Remember when you said that if Ned Flanders ever remarried you'd eat your hat?
Homer Simpson: [Looking up at the crown of thorns he's wearing] Oh!
[Takes a bite]
Homer Simpson: Ooh, licorice!
[Keeps eating]
Homer Simpson: Mmm, historically inaccurate.

Homer Simpson: Welcome to married life. Another good man bites the dust.
Marge Simpson: Homer!
Homer Simpson: What? I'm talking about that guy.
[Points to man on the next bed, who is flatlining and being carted out]
Homer Simpson: I sure envy him.

Bart Simpson: Yo Homer, Mom says "get you fat ass over to Flanders'"!
Homer Simpson: Bart! Don't call me that!
Bart Simpson: Which one? Homer or Fatass?
Homer Simpson: Why you little!
[Strangles Bart]
Homer Simpson: They're both bad and I suspect you know it!
Bart Simpson: Get your hands off of me, you fat ass!


"The Simpsons: A Totally Fun Thing Bart Will Never Do Again (#23.19)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: Ocean sex rules! Screw land sex!

Homer Simpson: Thanks to you, we're having fun. Before-we-had-kids fun!

Homer Simpson: Choke on my numb, blue hands!

Lisa Simpson: Sure, life is full of pain and misery, but the trick is to enjoy the few good things in the moment.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, stupid. Stop thinking about having fun and have it.


"The Simpsons: The Front (#4.19)" (1993)
Grampa: [writing a letter] Dear Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three. I am NOT a crackpot.

Bart Simpson: Grampa, we need to know your first name.
Grampa: [gasps] You're making my tombstone?
Lisa Simpson: No, no, we're just curious.
Grampa: All right, let's see. First name, first name... well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear.
[pulls them out]
Grampa: It holds the answer to all the important questions.
[reads]
Grampa: "Call me... Abraham Simpson."
Lisa Simpson: Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?
Grampa: ...I don't know.

[Bart and Lisa explain that they used Grampa's name on their script]
Bart Simpson: Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
Grampa: I figured 'cause the Democrats were in power again.

[practicing his acceptance speech]
Grampa: Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country, that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust...


"The Simpsons: Love, Springfieldian Style (#19.12)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: For the next three hours, we'll be absolutely kid free. It'll be like that time we lost them at the mall. That was the best Christmas ever.

Homer Simpson: They were the Bonnie and Clyde of their time. Their names were Bonnie and Clyde.

Homer Simpson: [as Clyde Barrow] Nobody calls me chicken without goading me into doing something stupid!

Homer Simpson: [as Shady] I didn't know you were such a feisty, high-class bitch.
Marge Simpson: [as Vamp] I like how you used the technical term for a female dog.


"The Simpsons: The Burns and the Bees (#20.8)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Marge, remember when we were discussing our greatest fears? Mine was snakes, and yours was...
Marge Simpson: Never having grandchildren.
Homer Simpson: Really? I thought it was Lisa with a beard of bees. Well, anyway, brace yourself.

Professor Frink: See those red spots? This bee is suffering from bee measles. Or as I call it, beesles.
Homer Simpson: Animals get sick?
Professor Frink: I'm going to talk to the girl now.
Homer Simpson: You're the nerd.

Homer Simpson: Flowers: the painted whores of the plant world.

[Lisa walks in with a beard of bees]
Abraham Simpson: President Lincoln! You've come back, and you got rid of that hat. You've got my vote.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVI (#17.4)" (2005)
[Lisa wakes Homer up after he has a nightmare inspired by A.I. Artificial Intelligence]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, wake up! You're not a robot! You're just possessed by the devil.
Priest: The power of Christ compels thee!
[the Priest splashes holy water on Homer, causing him to growl, flip his head around, and crawl up the walls]
Marge Simpson: [sighs] I'll call work and tell them you can't make it.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
[collapses onto the bed, head still backwards]
Homer Simpson: Heh heh heh, suckers.

Carl: Homer, Burns has only been chasing us for six hours and you already resorted to cannibalism.
Lenny: And there's bananas in that tree up there.
Homer Simpson: Uh, they look a little green.

Lisa Simpson: I hate going to the zoo. I feel so sorry for the animals.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole new world for the animals. In the wild, they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose - you know, the American Dream.


"The Simpsons: Mona Leaves-a (#19.19)" (2008)
Lisa Simpson: I hear something in the kitchen.
Homer Simpson: That's where the food sleeps!

Homer Simpson: My mother's dead.
Grampa Simpson: I'm still with you, son.
Homer Simpson: Oh, it just gets worse and worse.

Apu: She may have been reincarnated into that baby, or that mouse on the nacho cheese.
Ned Flanders: People are not mice!
Apu: Oh, big surprise. Joe Jesus Jr. here to set us all straight.
Ned Flanders: No one comes back as anything, except for Jesus as bread, and that's it.
Homer Simpson: Oh.
[leaves dejected]
Apu: That's the problem with your religion. Everything's a bummer.
Ned Flanders: Even the sing-alongs?
Apu: No, the sing-alongs are fine.


"The Simpsons: Fatzcarraldo (#28.14)" (2017)
Homer Simpson: People beware, the crap you love to eat has been replaced by food!

Homer Simpson: Don't let it be forgot. That on this shining spot. Was the place that I really ate a lot.

Deuce: Take my hand son, it's strong from turning the can opener.
Homer Simpson: Your chili was store bought?
Deuce: I didn't say I paid for it.


"The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (#18.18)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: Homer, what took you so long? The game's almost over!
Homer Simpson: I got hung up at the snack stand watching those hotdogs: rolling, and turning, not a care in the world...
[to hotdog]
Homer Simpson: No more lazy Saturdays for you!
[eats it]

Homer Simpson: Uah! I hate shopping! I'm bored, my feet hurt, I'm too big for the choo-choo train...

Homer Simpson: My son caught the ball! This makes up for everything bad that has ever happened to me or ever will!


"The Simpsons: Boy Meets Curl (#21.12)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: Let us curl, milady. Let us throw and sweep atwain until the heavens themselves drop their jaws in wonder and envy. And afterwards there'll be beer and cocoa with marshmallows floating in the foam. And if, from now till the end of time, someone should ask what we were doing on the eve of the seventeenth of November, we shall proclaim that we were curling!

Marge Simpson: This isn't fair. I wanted romance.
Homer Simpson: How about bromance?
Marge Simpson: It's not the same.
Homer Simpson: Dude!
Marge Simpson: I'm not a dude. I'm a hottie.
Homer Simpson: Ooh, this bromance just got interesting.

Marge Simpson: We're going to Vancouver!
Homer Simpson: Pack your winter coat, honey. We're going to Canada's warmest city.


"The Simpsons: Ice Cream of Margie: With the Light Blue Hair (#18.7)" (2006)
Homer Simpson: And now to get dressed in a most unusual way.
[Homer starts dressing up as an ice cream man like Alli G, starting from no clothes to underwear, ect. Ends with hat]
Homer Simpson: [Cool accent] Butter brickle!
[Finger snap]

Homer Simpson: [to Marge] This is the most fun I've ever had giving you wood.

Homer Simpson: Well excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on.


"The Simpsons: The D'oh-cial Network (#23.11)" (2012)
Marge Simpson: Homer, stop watching movies that are playing on other people's cars.
Homer Simpson: Oh, but I'm invested in the characters.

Homer Simpson: Marge, if you were married to DaVinci, would you tell him not to DaVinch?

Homer Simpson: This new computer is great. I'm watching a Sofia Coppola movie at twenty times the speed so that it looks like a regular movie.
Marge Simpson: I think it just froze. No, wait. That bird just moved.


"The Simpsons: The Falcon and the D'Ohman (#23.1)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: As God as my witness, this fist shall be pumped!

Homer Simpson: Your voice is so gravelly, just like Lauren Bacall.

Wayne: I can't live in the real world!
Abraham Simpson: This is the real world? Hot diggity dog! I'm still alive! And I'll treasure every moment, except the ones that aren't like they used to be, which is all of them. Oh, somebody kill me now!


"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)
Marge: [looking at Bart's collection of death threats] Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting.
Homer Simpson: Oh, uh, I wrote that one, after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.
[Homer drops his pants, revealing a "wide load" tattoo on his rear end. Everyone laughs]
Nelson: [outside the window] Ha ha!
Bart: But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis The Menace.
Homer Simpson: It's probably the person you least suspect.
Lisa: That's good, Dad.
Grampa: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit! It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George Guberlindsey.
Bart: Grandpa, Matlock's not real.
Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

[last lines]
Marge: [as the car pulls up in front of the house] It's so good to be home again.
Grampa Simpson: [who has somehow become a woman complete with long hair and lipstick, rushes towards the car] Look what happened without my pills!
Marge: [gasps] Bart! Run upstairs, get Grampa's medicine!
Jasper Beardly: [appears, dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
[Jasper takes his hat off and takes out a bunch of flowers and hands them to Abe]
Jasper Beardly: I wanna court this fair young maiden.
[the screen fades out in a heart shape and the credits roll]
Grampa Simpson: [to Jasper] There's something you should know about me.
Jasper Beardly: I've got Steve and Edie tickets.
Grampa Simpson: I'm all yours.
[Abe kisses Jasper]

[alternate ending]
Jasper Beardly: [appears dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
[Jasper takes his hat off and offers a bunch of flowers to Abe]
Jasper Beardly: Hey, wait till the canoe.
[Abe and Jasper are in a canoe sailing down the river]
Jasper Beardly: [singing] It won't be a stylish marriage.
Grampa Simpson: [singing] We can't afford a carriage.
Jasper Beardly: [singing] But you'll look sweet.
Jasper Beardly: [singing] Upon the seat
Jasper Beardly, Grampa Simpson: [singing] of a bicycle built for two. Of a bicycle built for two.


"The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie (#4.6)" (1992)
Grampa: Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth!
Homer: [rolling eyes] Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth," "The nurses are stealing my money," "This thing on my neck is getting bigger."

Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home.
Grampa: You already put me in a home.
Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes.
Grampa: [cowering] I'll be good.

Homer: [Bart has broken Grandpa's dentures] Young man, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.
Grampa: Oh, this is gonna be sweet.


"The Simpsons: Old Money (#2.17)" (1991)
Grampa: I miss Bea.
[Bea's ghost appears next to him]
Beatrice Simmons: I miss you, too.
[Grampa screams]
Beatrice Simmons: Oh, Abraham, calm down, I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas.
Grampa: Well, I'm glad you're keeping busy.

[at an amusement park, Grandpa is visited by the ghost of his girlfriend]
Grampa: Hey, Bea, I've got to ask you: what was death like?
[the roller coaster reaches the top]
Beatrice Simmons: Not as scary as this!

Bart Simpson: I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.
Lisa: No, I think he smells more like a photo lab.
Homer Simpson: Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVIII (#19.5)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: I'll be going out late tonight. It's midnight monkey madness at the zoo.
Marge Simpson: Me too. I'll be overturning all the wheelbarrows in case it rains.
Homer Simpson: Well, enjoy your pointless activity.
Marge Simpson: Have fun at your preposterous event.

Homer Simpson: I thought I was killed by that magic spaghetti.

Homer Simpson: [slurps his spaghetti and then becomes spaghetti] More bread, please.


"The Simpsons: Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish (#2.4)" (1990)
Makeup artist: [the Simpsons are being prepped for their TV appearance with Mr. Burns]
Makeup artist: Well, what do we think?
Homer Simpson: Hey! Hello, handsome!
Makeup artist: Hey, get that gunk off his face! He's supposed to be having dinner with the common man, not Tyrone Power!

Bart Simpson: Is your boss governor yet?
Homer Simpson: No, son, not yet.

Marge Simpson: Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.
Homer Simpson: Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her.
Lisa Simpson: Ooh, a political discussion at the breakfast table! I feel like a Kennedy!


"The Simpsons: The Man Who Came to Be Dinner (#26.10)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: Wow. This place is completely alien, but everything's in English. Just like Canada.

Homer Simpson: Look at all these dials and knobs. They truly are an advanced species. Maybe they'll be nice to us.
Lisa Simpson: You mean like the Europeans were to the Native Americans, or the Belgians to the Congo?
Homer Simpson: Oh, sure. Mention the only two times in history when things got messy.

Lisa Simpson: Now do you see why I'm a vegetarian?
Homer Simpson: I do now, Lisa.
Rigelian Doctor: You do get to choose your last meal.
Homer Simpson: I'd like rabbit, lots of rabbit.


"The Simpsons: The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (#8.25)" (1997)
[about Bart's incorrigible behavior]
Chief Wiggum: You know, you do have options. For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know?
Homer Simpson: Not very.

Homer Simpson: [nervously] Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns?
Bart Simpson: Sir! Yes, sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!

[Bart's latest prank has shattered windows all over the city]
Homer Simpson: [shouting] You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
Lisa: [shouting] When do you expect the ringing will stop?
Chief Wiggum: [checking his watch, shouting] In about ten to fifteen seconds!
Marge Simpson: [shouting] I certainly hope-!
[ringing stops]
Marge Simpson: -so!
[covers her mouth, embarrassed; normal voice]
Marge Simpson: That's better.


"The Simpsons: Little Big Girl (#18.12)" (2007)
Bart Simpson: You know, I thought Darcy and I would be like a real married couple, instead we ended up fighting all the time...
Homer Simpson: Eee, yeaa how about that?

Homer Simpson: Son, one day you're gonna be a great father.
Bart Simpson: Awww, and someday you will be one too.

Grampa: Yes sir, we Simpsons have never married or even shook hands with anyone remotely interesting. In a world of 31 flavors, we are the water they use to clean the scoop. Grampa out.


"The Simpsons: In the Name of the Grandfather (#20.14)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: A house and garden show?
[Bart, Lisa and Homer groan]
Bart Simpson: You told me we were going to a video game expo!
Lisa Simpson: You told me we were going to clean trash on the freeway!
Homer Simpson: You told me something but I wasn't listening!

[the whole family is in the hot tub]
Marge Simpson: I feel like we should get out.
Homer Simpson: Interesting proposal. And now, with a opposing point of view, bubbles!

Ned Flanders: Guys, could you cool your jets? Some of us are trying to sleep.
Homer Simpson: Why don't you join us, Flanders? Are you afraid to get your moustache wet?
Ned Flanders: Well, actually, yes.
Bart Simpson: Come on, Ned. Baptize your buns.


"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
Lisa Simpson: [from another room] Mom, can you bring me more O.J.?
Bart Simpson: [from another room] Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphines?
Marge: There's no such thing.
Homer: [from another room] Marge, the boy's wasting valuable time. Come change the channel and pat my head.
Marge: In a minute!
Homer: But I'll miss Sheriff Lobo!
Grampa: And get me a bottle of bourbon.
Marge: Grampa, you know you can't have liquids after 3pm.
Grampa: You can stir it into my mush. Either way, just gimme, gimme, gimme!

Marge: So how are things at home?
Bart Simpson: We flushed the gator down the toilet, but it got stuck halfway and now we have to feed it.
[cuts to Grandpa fighting the gator with a toilet plunger]
Grampa: I'll bet you want a piece of me. Well you ain't gonna get it, see!
[as he laughs, his false teeth fall out into the aligator's mouth who bites down and breaks the teeth]
Grampa: [mumbling] Nurse! God darn it.


"The Simpsons: Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy (#5.14)" (1994)
[while making the doll for Lisa]
Lisa: Don't forget to get my mom's hair just right.
Stacy Lavelle: I think we'll use someone else for the hair.
Lisa: [pointing to her head] How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: Well...
Bart Simpson: [pointing to his head] How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: Oh...
Homer Simpson: [pointing to his head] How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: YOU ALL HAVE HIDEOUS HAIR!
[everyone gasps]
Stacy Lavelle: I mean from a design point of view.
[everyone approves in agreement]

Lisa: They cannot keep making dolls like this! Something has to be done!
Marge: [after a long pause] Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in. But you've been doing that an awful lot lately!
Bart Simpson: Yeah! You made us march in that gay rights parade!
Homer Simpson: And we can't watch Fox because they own those chemical weapons factories in Syria.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III (#4.5)" (1992)
[Homer has given Bart a "cursed" Krusty doll]
Grampa: That doll is evil, I tells ya! Evil! EEEE-VIL!
Marge: Grampa, you said that about all the presents.
Grampa: I just want attention.

[a headless zombie enters the Simpson home, groaning. All the party-goers scream... then Ned Flanders's head pops out of the zombie's neck]
Ned Flanders: Hi, fellow Halloweenies! Did I scarededly-dare you?
Grampa: [gasping, clutching his heart] Ah... gol-durn it!
Bart: Nice try, Mr. Flanders, but I've got a story so scary, you'll wet your pants.
Grampa: Too late.


"The Simpsons: Walking Big & Tall (#26.13)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: All my life I always wanted to blindly follow someone, and I think you might be the guy.

Homer Simpson: I've never written an eulogy before, but this time I did. Unfortunately, I left it at home.
[Marge hands him a piece of paper]
Homer Simpson: Thanks, lady.


"The Simpsons: Papa's Got a Brand New Badge (#13.22)" (2002)
Homer Simpson: You know, I've had a lot of jobs. Boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carnie, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.
Marge Simpson: If you like protecting people, you can make that your job. You know, start a security company.
Homer Simpson: [kisses Marge] Finally a way to combine my love of helping people with my love of hurting people.

Homer Simpson: I felt like a big man pushing that kid around.


"The Simpsons: Diggs (#25.12)" (2014)
Bart Simpson: You don't know how impressive that is to a kid whose dad can't get the dog to sit.
[Cut to Homer yelling at Santa's Little Helper]
Homer Simpson: Sit. Sit. Sit!
[Santa's Little Helper starts hopping on his hind legs]
Homer Simpson: I don't know what the hell that is, but it's not sitting!

Marge Simpson: I hope he comes back for his bird. I don't like the way he's circling the cat.
Bart Simpson: He's just riding the thermals from dad's butt.
Homer Simpson: Well, at least someone in this family is using them.


"The Simpsons: Pay Pal (#25.21)" (2014)
Booth Wilkes-John: Just so you know, you would have been a Russian general, with multiple lovers.
Homer Simpson: Well, as we say in Russia, goodbye in Russian!
Booth Wilkes-John: Dos vydanya!

Lisa Simpson: Happy Mothers Day!
Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson: Mothers Day?
Homer Simpson: Crap!
[both run out the door]


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIV (#25.2)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: I'm afraid of nothing, not even hellfires. Just please don't let me be played by Mike Myers.

Freaks: One of us! Gooble goo! One of us! Gooble goo!
Homer Simpson: What does "gooble goo" even mean?
Freaks: We don't know! Gooble goo!


"The Simpsons: Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Three Times (#18.11)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: Papa, may we have petit four?
Bart Simpson: Papa, may we have pain au chocolat?
Homer Simpson: "May we"? "May we"? Mais oui!

Judge Snyder: I sentence you to life...
Homer Simpson: You moron! I'm already alive!
Judge Snyder: ...in prison.
Homer Simpson: Ah!


"The Simpsons: GI (Annoyed Grunt) (#18.5)" (2006)
Drill Sergeant: Ordinarily, I would spend the next two hours questioning your sexuality, running down your hometowns and telling you to drop and give me various numbers.
Homer Simpson: Are you gonna ask us our major malfunctions? 'Cause mine is I care too much.
Drill Sergeant: Unfortunately, the demand for troops has never been higher, so we've got to speed things up. While you've been standing here, your hair's been cut and your clothes have been replaced with army fatigues.

Drill Sergeant: [as the recruits are going through an obstacle course] Here's your nicknames: Brooklyn, Hollywood, Kissimmee-St. Cloud, Florida, Maverick, Blanket Hog, Newman's Own, Master of Suspense, England's Rose, Nickname Pending, Bram Stoker's Dracula and Snowflake!
Homer Simpson: Snowflake? What happens to me in the summer?
Drill Sergeant: A troublemaker, huh? You're gonna sit here and eat donuts while the rest of the unit does push-ups!
[Homer starts eating while the rest of the unit begins push-ups]
Homer Simpson: I don't understand, how does punishing me teach them a lesson?
Drill Sergeant: Just for that, they'll do the push-ups one-handed while you eat Alaskan king salmon and I give you a foot rub.


"The Simpsons: The Principal and the Pauper (#9.2)" (1997)
Abe Simpson: [to Agnes] Hello Beautiful.
Agnes Skinner: In your dreams!
Abe Simpson: We'll see about that!
[He falls asleep]
Abe Simpson: [Talking in his dream] Hello Beautiful.

Homer Simpson: [Homer is driving the family car] Okay, once more. Where are we going?
Mrs. Krabappel: To Capitol City.
Homer Simpson: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
[Camera pulls back to reveal Mrs. Krabappel and Mrs. Skinner sitting next to him]
Agnes Skinner: We're going to talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
Homer Simpson: And why is Marge here?
[Camera pulls back again to reveal Marge riding shotgun]
Marge Simpson: I came up with the idea.
Homer Simpson: And why am I here?
Marge Simpson: Because the streets of Capitol City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
Homer Simpson: And why are the kids here?
[Camera pulls back to reveal Bart, Lisa and Maggie in the back seat, sticking their heads out of the window]
Marge Simpson: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
Homer Simpson: Then why is Grandpa here?
[Camera pulls back to reveal that the kids are sitting in Grandpa's lap]
Abe Simpson: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself!
[Jasper turns his head around, revealing he is riding in the very rear]


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
Grampa Simpson: [runs into the room with a hammer and a wooden stake] Quick! We have to kill the boy!
Marge Simpson: How'd you know he was a vampire?
Grampa Simpson: He's a vampire? AHHH!
[runs off]

Grampa Simpson: Quick! We have to kill the boy!
[running into Bart's room with a wooden mallet and stake]
Marge Simpson: How'd you know he's a vampire?
Grampa Simpson: He's a vamprie? Agh!
[drops them and runs away]


"The Simpsons: Rome-old and Juli-eh (#18.15)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: Aah! A bear is eating my father!
Selma Bouvier: I'm Selma.
Homer Simpson: Aah! A talking bear is eating my father!

Homer Simpson: Do you know who you were kissing?
Grampa Simpson: Yes, I know who I was kissing. I also know why. I'm a little shaky on when and where, but I have my theories.


"The Simpsons: Bart After Dark (#8.5)" (1996)
[Homer is in a burlesque house. He sees a photograph of President Dwight D. Eisenhower sitting down with two dancers on either side]
Homer Simpson: [reading the caption] "President Eisenhower celebrates 40th wedding anniversary. Not pictured: Mrs. Eisenhower."

Jasper: Are they talking about the bordello?
Grampa: No. The burlesque house, so keep your mouth shut.


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Connection (#6.23)" (1995)
[Lenny is dealing cards while Homer plays with Marge's radar gun]
Homer Simpson: Hurry it up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at two miles per hour.
Lenny: Come on, put that away. Those radar guns give ya cancer.
Homer Simpson: All the more reason for you to hurry up. Hey, what could be going a hundred miles per
[Lenny slugs Homer]
Homer Simpson: Oww!

[Marge has foiled Herman's counterfeit jeans ring]
Chief Wiggum: That's some nice work, Simpson. But I'm afraid we can't hold them. There's no evidence.
Homer Simpson: Yes there is, there's a garage full of counterfeit jeans.
Chief Wiggum: They've uh... mysteriously disappeared.
[All the cops at the crime scene start wearing the counterfeit jeans]
Chief Wiggum: Lookin' good boys!


"The Simpsons: Papa Don't Leech (#19.16)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: Lurleen, I'm sorry I called you all those names, like - oh, I don't even remember.
Homer Simpson: "Confederate degenerate"?
Lisa Simpson: "Southern-fried succubus"?
Bart Simpson: "Hee-Haw ho"?

Homer Simpson: Bart, get me my suicide axe.


"The Simpsons: The Wife Aquatic (#18.10)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: [Marge is watching a home movie of her in Barnacle Bay] I never saw Marge want to go to a place so bad. I will make her dream come true by burning that film to DVD.
[cut to Marge sadly watching the DVD]
Homer Simpson: I never seen her want to go to a place so badly. I will take her there, by downloading it to her iPod.
[cut to Marge sadly looking at her iPod]
Homer Simpson: I'm sorry I couldn't figure out how to download that movie to your iPod, so I'm taking the whole family on a surprise vacation to Barnacle Bay.

Marge Simpson: This used to be my favorite seahorse. I called it Funny Goodfeeling. Someone carved swastikas in your eyes!
Homer Simpson: Don't worry. I'm sure it was some guy full of hate.


"The Simpsons: Little Orphan Millie (#19.6)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: She's wearing white. She must have rolled the odometer back to zero.

Homer Simpson: Bart, stop talking to yourself. That'll show him. Now, how am I going to find out what color Marge's eyes are.


"The Simpsons: Mathlete's Feat (#26.22)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: [after Bart uses him to solve a math problem] Woo-hoo! I'm a solution!

Homer Simpson: I feel like Beethoven after Charles Grodin accepted him as his pet.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Great (#6.12)" (1995)
Homer: I'd give anything to get into the Stonecutters.
Lisa: What do they do there, Dad?
Grampa: I'm a member -
Homer: What do they do? What *don't* they do?
[laughs]
Homer: Oh, they do so many things they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars.
Lisa: You don't know what they do there, do you?
Homer: Not as such, no.

Grampa: I'm a member!
Homer: Huh?
Grampa: What?
Homer: What?
Grampa: Huh?
Lisa: You're a member of the Stonecutters, Grampa?
Grampa: Oh, sure. Let's see...
[starts going through the cards in his wallet]
Grampa: I'm an elk, a Mason, a communist. I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters.
Homer: This is it! My ticket in: they have to let me in if I'm the son of a member. I'll take this communist one too.


"The Simpsons: Bart the General (#1.5)" (1990)
Abe Simpson: I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days, when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.

Abe Simpson: You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.


"The Simpsons: Pulpit Friction (#24.18)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: If it's such a Good Book, why are there no blurbs in the back? Not even from David Sedaris, and he'll blurb anything.

Bart Simpson: But I thought you hated church.
Homer Simpson: For the record, I hated the building, the people in it, and the spirit it represents, I never hated the chruch itself. But I believe in something bigger than me now.
Bart Simpson: The only thing bigger than you now is you tomorrow.
Homer Simpson: Why you little... lamb... Mustn't kill own son, only God can do that.


"The Simpsons: Barting Over (#14.11)" (2003)
Bart Simpson: I want to be emancipated!
Homer Simpson: Emancipated? Why do you want that? Don't you like being a dude?

Viagrogaine Announcer: [At the end of a commercial for a combination hair restorer/penis enlarger] Possible side effects include loss of scalp and penis.
Homer Simpson: What did it say about my scalp?


"The Simpsons: Homerpalooza (#7.24)" (1996)
[the teenagers Homer and Barney are doing an acapella version of "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" in front of a mirror]
Middle-aged Grampa: What the Hell are you two doin'?
Young Barney: It's called rockin' out!
Young Homer: You wouldn't understan', dad. You're not *with it*.
Middle-aged Grampa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what *it* was. Now what I'm with isn't *it*, and what's *it* seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you...

Homer: You wouldn't understand, Dad, you're not with it!
Grampa: I was with it once! And then they changed what it was! And now what I'm with isn't it and what's it seems weird and scary to me! And it'll happen to you!


"The Simpsons: Grandpa vs. Sexual Inadequacy (#6.10)" (1994)
Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Grampa: Flu?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N - yes. But please, don't you say that word.
Grampa: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.

Grampa: [throwing a bottle of tonic to Homer] Here you go, ya ingrate. Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life!


"The Simpsons: Mother Simpson (#7.8)" (1995)
Abe Simpson: [to Homer's mother] You were a horrible wife, a horrible mother, and I'll never forgive you! Can we have sex?

[the FBI breaks in looking for Mother Simpson]
Grampa: All right! I admit it! I'm the Lindbergh baby! Wah wah! Goo goo! I miss my fly-fly dada!
Bill Gannon: Are you stalling for time, or are you just senile?
Grampa: A little from column A, a little from column B.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXI (#22.4)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: Oh, Homey. What a great idea to take a cruise in uncharted waters.
Homer Simpson: Yeah. Charts are for squares, baby.

Lisa Simpson: My boyfriend will be here. Remember not to be yourselves.
Homer Simpson: I know, I know. Don't serve anything with garlic, don't try to stab him in the heart with a stake, don't ask him if he knows Frankenstein, it's racist somehow.


"The Simpsons: Don't Fear the Roofer (#16.16)" (2005)
Homer Simpson: Monster! You don't exist!
[Homer hits ray with a chair]
Ray Magini: Hey! Nobody calls me a monster and questions my existence!
[Ray punches Homer]

Ray Magini: [getting a box of shingles from the top shelf] Hey, look, Homer. I'm coming down with a case of shingles.
[Homer laughs]
Homer Simpson: What's in the box?


"The Simpsons: Thursdays with Abie (#21.9)" (2010)
Mr. Burns: ...And that's how you win an opium war.
Homer Simpson: Oh, great stuff. And the life lesson is?
Mr. Burns: The Yangtze River swallows all secrets.
Homer Simpson: Hmm. I'm just gonna put ''Haste makes waste''.
Mr. Burns: Yes, although, these days, I can make neither haste nor waste.

Grampa Simpson: Look at that, they re-created the thirties. Tent cities, failing banks.
Marshall Goldman: Nope, those are real.


"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
Mayor Quimby: Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.
Homer: Get to the money!
Mayor Quimby: In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
Apu: Get to the money!
Rev. Lovejoy: Get to the money!
Grampa Simpson: Get to the moneeey!
Mayor Quimby: Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2million.
Lisa Simpson: Don't you mean $3million?
Mayor Quimby: Of course. How silly of me.

Lyle Lanely: [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
[points at Ned Flanders]
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanely: What's it called?
Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier: Monorail.
Lyle Lanely: That's right, monorail!
[runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
Crowd: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
[continues underneath those who speak]
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanely: [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanely: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney Gumble: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanely: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanely: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanely: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: [speaking] What's it called?
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: Once again!
Crowd: [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!


"The Simpsons: Homer Defined (#3.5)" (1991)
[after Homer, for the second time, saves the day by sheer dumb luck]
Aristotle Amadopoulis: Thank you, Homer, for saving my plant...
[throws down his sunglasses]
Aristotle Amadopoulis: With that idiotic rhyming! Do you even know what button you pushed?
Homer Simpson: Sure. "Moe."

Computer Voice: Warning, core temperature rising.
Homer Simpson: [waking up from his nap] "Core temperature rising"? That sounds serious! Okay, okay, calm down. Whoever's problem this is, I'm sure they know how to handle it...
[He turns, and sees his own board lit up]
Homer Simpson: Ah! It's my problem! WE'RE DOOMED!


"The Simpsons: Two Dozen and One Greyhounds (#6.20)" (1995)
Homer Simpson: Hmm, I guess Bart's not to blame. He's lucky too, because it's spanking season, and I got a hankering for some spankering!

[a wild Santa's Little Helper digs up a dozen holes in the backyard]
Lisa: [gasp] My bongo drums!
Bart: My strobe light!
Homer Simpson: My "Best of Ray Stevens - featuring the 'Streak' - Album"! So it was the dog who buried all our stuff!
Marge Simpson: Yes... the dog.


"The Simpsons: The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons (#9.7)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: Hey, Dad! I've come to spend time with my favorite father.
Grampa Simpson: Baloney! You came here to put me in a home.
Homer Simpson: You're already in a home.
Grampa Simpson: Oh, how could you?


"The Simpsons: The Strong Arms of the Ma (#14.9)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: [over radio] Oh hi, Jesus, I was just...


"The Simpsons: The Old Man and the Key (#13.13)" (2002)
Grampa: We're the baddest punks in our age bracket!


"The Simpsons: Simpson Tide (#9.19)" (1998)
Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
Grampa Simpson: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is *not* a porn star!


"The Simpsons: Little Girl in the Big Ten (#13.20)" (2002)
Homer Simpson: [sings] I get knocked down, I get knocked down again, you're never gonna knock me down... I take a whiskey drink, I take a chocolate drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink! I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy.


"The Simpsons: Secrets of a Successful Marriage (#5.22)" (1994)
Groundskeeper Willie: If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would have taken the orange-eating class!
Hans Moleman: [cut to Hans Moleman teaching] The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage.
Grampa: [impatient] Just eat the damn oranges!


"The Simpsons: So It Has Come to This: The Simpsons Clip Show (#4.18)" (1993)
[Homer is undergoing major surgery. Grampa visits him in hospital]
Grampa: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never understood why that is; frankly, I can see an upside to it. Ha ha.


"The Simpsons: Penny-Wiseguys (#24.5)" (2012)
Dan Gillick: Oh, I can't kill you
Homer Simpson: I knew you were weak
Dan Gillick: If you think I'm so weak, give me back the gun.
Homer Simpson: You are weak, but no
Dan Gillick: Let's see how weak I am with the gun.
Homer Simpson: No, I don't want to...
Dan Gillick: Give me the gun.
Homer Simpson: I don't want to see it.
Dan Gillick: You're making me mad and I want to shoot you now.
Homer Simpson: I don't have to see it. Huh? I can imagine it.
Dan Gillick: Give it to me. Give me the gun.
Homer Simpson: No. Come on weakling, get it from me.
Dan Gillick: I'm not... ya... I'm not weak with the gun
Homer Simpson: Yeah... well yeah. Well see who's got it now
Dan Gillick: When I have a gun...
Homer Simpson: Yeah well you ain't so...
Dan Gillick: ...I'm not weak at all...


"The Simpsons: Bart of Darkness (#6.1)" (1994)
Marge: I wish you'd stop spreading bad rumors about people! Remember when you got Grampa tarred and feathered?
Bart: Sure. That was 20 minutes ago.
Grampa: Gonna be in the tub for a while...


"The Simpsons: The Old Man and the Lisa (#8.21)" (1997)
Mr. Burns: [to a group of senior citizens working for him] I'll take you to the biggest duck-filled pond you ever saw.
Grampa: Hot Diggity. That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche.


"The Simpsons: Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington (#14.14)" (2003)
Elderly Congressman: Why, this news make my blood boil, my left arm feel numb, my mouth taste of copper! Arrgggh!
[congressman collapses]
Marge: He's had a heart-attack! Quick someone do CPR!
Homer Simpson: [singing] I see a bad moon rising.
Marge: No that's CCR!
Homer Simpson: Errr...
[singing]
Homer Simpson: Looks like we're in for nasty weather.


"The Simpsons: Dad Behavior (#28.8)" (2016)
Homer Simpson: [singing to Steely Dan's 'I'm a Fool to do Your Dirty Work'] I'm a fool to do my dirty work, oh yeah, I can hire all these dirty jerks for free, I ain't gonna do my dirty work no more, Gonna leave my socks and dirty shirts, on the floor.


"The Simpsons: On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister (#16.11)" (2005)
Grampa: [to Homer] Make me proud... or at least less ashamed.


"The Simpsons: Homer Badman (#6.9)" (1994)
Homer Simpson: Lisa, do I have my pants on?
Lisa Simpson: Yes.
Homer Simpson: Perfect.


"The Simpsons: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star (#16.21)" (2005)
Homer Simpson: Shouldn't a person have the right to choose his own religion?
Lisa: As strange as it seems, Dad, I agree.
Homer Simpson: What?
Lisa: Well, as you well know, I'm a fully pledged Buddhist.
Father Sean: [laughs] Buddhist? Well, I suppose some children have imaginary friends...
Lisa: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Beauty Queen (#4.4)" (1992)
Lisa: [sobbing] I'm ugly, dad.
Homer: No you're not. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Fathers have to say that.
Homer: [as Grampa walks by] Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt!
Homer: [to Lisa] See?


"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Abie (#17.16)" (2006)
Homer: You are a useless old man. Name one thing you do for this family.
Grampa: I take care of the baby.
Marge: Where is the baby?
Grampa: You left me with the baby?


"The Simpsons: Let's Go Fly a Coot (#26.20)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: Finally a movie about a dystopian future, unlike The Hunger Games, Edge of Tomorrow, Oblivion, Elysium, Snowpiercer, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Ender's Game, The Road, World War Z, Children of Men, After Earth, I Am Legend, Mad Max: Fury Road, The Maze Runner, District 9, The Purge, Looper, Cloud Atlas, Divergent, Insurgent, The Island, Mr. Burns: A Post-Electric Play, and Chappie.


"The Simpsons: My Fare Lady (#26.14)" (2015)
Moe Szyslak: [after Lenny and Carl leave] Oh, suddenly they're too good for me?
Homer Simpson: Well, some people still act like they're still in grade school.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, so now you're going to throw your grade school education on my face?
Homer Simpson: You know what, Moe? You're a real jerk! I didn't mind it when it came with beer.
Moe Szyslak: I don't need you. I'm all the company I need.
[Sees reflection on tureen]
Moe Szyslak: Ugh! Suddenly I lost my appetite.


"The Simpsons: Moe'N'A Lisa (#18.6)" (2006)
Marge Simpson: Homer, don't drink and drive.
Homer Simpson: Fine. I'll drive between sips.


"The Simpsons: To Surveil, with Love (#21.20)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: Your nagging has sent all our misbehavior into one small spot, a shining diamond of evil.
Ned Flanders: I guess I did create this, just as God created the Devil.
Homer Simpson: God created the Devil? Finally, He created something cool.
Ned Flanders: I didn't mean to be Big Brother. I just wanted to be little sister, trying to make everyone behave.
Homer Simpson: Well, if you ask me, what you did was playing God.
Ned Flanders: Playing God? But that's the worst kind of sin, for some reason.


"The Simpsons: The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (#8.11)" (1997)
Grampa: I had that dream again!


"The Simpsons: Marge Gets a Job (#4.7)" (1992)
Grampa Simpson: Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"?
Bart Simpson: I glanced at it. Boy cries wolf, has a few laughs... I forget how it ends.


"The Simpsons: Burns, Baby Burns (#8.4)" (1996)
Marge: Careful of that apple pie on the back seat...
Grampa: Uh-oh.
Marge: Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?
Grampa: I sure hope so.


"The Simpsons: Loan-a Lisa (#22.2)" (2010)
Grampa Simpson: I once gave a dollar to a bum, and he wasted it on an Ellery Queen mystery novel. But there was one mystery Ellery Queen couldn't solve: why would a man be named Ellery. But my point is whatever I was talking about before I started talking about Ellery Queen.


"The Simpsons: Dark Knight Court (#24.16)" (2013)
Abraham Simpson: Did you know I once argued in front of the Supreme Court?
Lisa Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson: Don't think so.
Abraham Simpson: Not a chance! I mean, yes.


"The Simpsons: Special Edna (#14.7)" (2003)
Principal Skinner: I believe the only venue for me is the ride of broken dreams.
Homer Simpson: Oh, you mean the Enron ride. Let's go.


"The Simpsons: I Married Marge (#3.12)" (1991)
[Homer got Marge pregnant]
Abe Simpson: Son, you've got to marry that girl.
Homer: Because it's the honorable thing to do?
Abe Simpson: No. Because you'll never do any better. Heh, heh, heh. You lucky bum. The fish jumped right in the boat, and all you gotta do is whack her with the oar.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Pony (#3.8)" (1991)
Grampa: [Playing Bart's video game] What do I do? What do I do? If you want to go right move the joystick left. Yes. Move the - What's a joystick? Move the - What's a joystick? , oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace! Wait! Where's the hyperspace? Grandpa, you're the spaceship. I thought I was this guy. - Oh! - Oh! Game's over. I got down on the floor for this? Wait, Dad.
Bart: If you want to go right. move the joystick left.
Grampa: Yes. Move the - What's a joystick?
Bart: Oh! Here comes a Xylon cruiser! Go into hyperspace!
Grampa: Wait! Where's the hyperspace?
Bart: Grandpa, you're the spaceship.
Grampa: I thought I was this guy.
[spaceship crashes]
Grampa: Oh! Oh! Game's over. I got down on the floor for this?


"The Simpsons: Thank God It's Doomsday (#16.19)" (2005)
Homer Simpson: In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane


"The Simpsons: Lisa Goes Gaga (#23.22)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: Let's go see Lady Gaga. Maybe that will turn that frown upside-down.
Lisa Simpson: It's not a frown, it's a straight line of resignation. It's the same upside-down as right-side-up.


"The Simpsons: 'Round Springfield (#6.22)" (1995)
Homer: If you want something to remember him by, I say get a tattoo. It'll be a constant reminder of the one you love.
[Homer pulls up sleeve to reveal tattoo saying "Starland Vocal Band"]
Homer: [incredulous] Starland Vocal Band? THEY SUCK!
[Grampa appears outside and they watch as he points at a fountain]
Grampa: DEATH!


"The Simpsons: Holidays of Future Passed (#23.9)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: My own daughter thinks I'm a ruthless tyrant, like Hitler or Prince Harry.
Homer Simpson: Oh, Bloody Harry. He brought back beheading in a big way.


"The Simpsons: Homer and Marge Turn a Couple Play (#17.22)" (2006)
Homer Simpson: We've gone through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together.


"The Simpsons: Last Exit to Springfield (#4.17)" (1993)
Grampa: We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. I didn't have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...


"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
Marge Simpson: Wow, Homer coaching in the championship game! You must be pretty proud of your son!
Grampa Simpson: You'd think so, wouldn't you?
[falls asleep]


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXII (#23.3)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: Ah, Halloween. The one time of year where the squalor of our home works to our advantage.


"The Simpsons: Dangers on a Train (#24.22)" (2013)
[first lines]
Marge Simpson: Our first year as a married couple and we're still in love.
Homer Simpson: In your face, those who said we couldn't last a year!
Grampa: I stand by my wedding toast!


"The Simpsons: Moe Baby Blues (#14.22)" (2003)
Grampa: [banging a slipper against a pot in a state of senility]
[shouts]
Grampa: The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming!


"The Simpsons: The Daughter Also Rises (#23.13)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: Why would a dude do everything a dame wants on Valentines Day?
Homer Simpson: It's a trade-off. We do whatever women want on Valentines Day, and they let us blow stuff up on the Fourth of July. I just hope the two don't fall on the same day.


"The Simpsons: The Lastest Gun in the West (#13.12)" (2002)
Apu: [singing] Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above
Bart, Lisa, Ralph: [singing] Don't fence me in.
Apu: [singing] Sir you cannot pee unless you are an employee.
Homer Simpson: [singing] Can't keep it in.
[Homer kicks in the bathroom door and uses the facilities]


"The Simpsons: The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase (#8.24)" (1997)
Moe: Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love.
Grampa: Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front".


"The Simpsons: Bart vs. Thanksgiving (#2.7)" (1990)
Bart Simpson: [Bart imagines apologizing for wrecking Lisa's centerpiece] Lisa, I'm sorry.
Marge Simpson: [the fantasy turns nightmarish] No, no, no. That won't do at all.
Homer: Yeah, boy. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness.
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, beg me, Bart. Beg me.
Bart Simpson: Lisa, I beg of you. Please forgive me.
Marge Simpson: [all the family laugh at Bart] Now, we can blame him for everything.
Homer: It's your fault I'm bald.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
Grampa Simpson: It's your fault I'm old.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
Maggie Simpson: It's your fault I can't talk.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
Uncle Sam: It's your fault America's lost its way.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
[the family start saying everything is Bart's fault and he keeps apologising]


"The Simpsons: How I Wet Your Mother (#23.16)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: Oh Lord, I have once again be sodded my liver with thy fermented gifts. If you can weasel me out of this physical, I will blow your mind by doing something incredibly holy... at some point. Amen.


"The Simpsons: Radioactive Man (#7.2)" (1995)
Homer Simpson: [sounded excited] Hey. Didn't you direct "A Natural Discreation"?
George Burns: Well, yes I did.
Homer Simpson: [discusted] Pooh-wee. Wooh. Ugh, you know I never walk out of a movie, but Yeeeach.
[George Burns has a fierce angry face at Homer]


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Simpson (#9.17)" (1998)
Lisa Simpson: [on TV] Hello, my name is Lisa Simpson.
[Marge gasps]
Lisa Simpson: I'm supposed to talk to you about proposition 305.
Homer Simpson: [bitter] Moochin' war widows!


"The Simpsons: The Fat and the Furriest (#15.5)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: Are you a Care Bear?
Care Bear: [Holding a crowbar] I'm an Intensive Care Bear.
Homer Simpson: Why would a bear hold a crowbar?
Care Bear: Eh, I didn't want to get my hands dirty.


"The Simpsons: A Midsummer's Nice Dream (#22.16)" (2011)
Grampa Simpson: Who has disturbed my tomb?
Lisa Simpson: Grampa, you're not dead.
Grampa Simpson: Then wake me up when I am.


"The Simpsons: Gump Roast (#13.17)" (2002)
[Talking about Agnes Skinner in a low-cut dress]
Abe Simpson: What's keeping that dress on?
Sideshow Mel: The collective will of everyone in this room.


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Grampa: [after being bit by a turtle] Aaaahhhhhh! He bit me with my own teeth!


"The Simpsons: A Fish Called Selma (#7.19)" (1996)
Homer Simpson: [Marge's eyes are seen in a darkened bedroom] Marge, could you close your eyes. I'm trying to sleep.