Groundskeeper Willie
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Quotes for
Groundskeeper Willie (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)
[after Willie explodes into flame and screams, he becomes a skeleton]
Groundskeeper Willie: You'll pay for this! With your children's blood!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right. How ya gonna get 'em, skeleton power?
Groundskeeper Willie: I'll strike, where ya cannot protect them... In their dreams!

[while Bart is playing frisbee with his dog, Willie arrives at his front yard]
Groundskeeper Willie: Glad to rake your acquaintance.
[laughs evilly]
Bart Simpson: [Bart wakes up screaming]
Bart Simpson: [sighs] Ohh... it was only a dream.
[Bart sees the scratches on his body and screams again]
Homer Simpson: [from elsewhere, sounding worried] Bart! Is that you?
Bart Simpson: Yes!
Homer Simpson: Take out the garbage.

[in his dream, Martin is dressed as a wizard]
Martin: I am the wondrous wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation, with a million hit points and maximum charisma.
[Martin spots a blackboard with verbs written all over it]
Martin: Aha! "Morire": to die. "Morit": he, she, or it dies.
[Willie morphs out of the blackboard; Martin gasps]
Groundskeeper Willie: "Moris"? You die!
Martin: [runs off] Aah!
Groundskeeper Willie: [laughs] You've mastered a dead tongue, but can you handle a live one?
[Willie's tongue shoots out of his mouth, wraps around Martin, and squeezes him]
Groundskeeper Willie: [in class, Martin twists and screams, then collapses on the floor]
Nelson: Ha ha!

[Principal Skinner is having a meeting with parents, but burning Willie rushes into the room]
Groundskeeper Willie: Help! Please, help me!
Principal Skinner: Willie, don't worry! Mr. Van Houten has the floor.
Mr. Van Houten: I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.
[before anyone could answer, the entire class looks directly at Willie, who explodes into flame and screams]

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
Bart Simpson: Hey! I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.
Groundskeeper Willy: Why you little...
Groundskeeper Willy: No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into haggis!
Bart Simpson: What's haggis?
Groundskeeper Willy: [gasps] Boy... you read my thoughts! You've got the Shinning.
Bart Simpson: You mean "Shining".
Groundskeeper Willy: [sotto voce] Shh! You wanna to get sued? Now look, boy: if your Dad goes gaga, you just use that... Shin of yours to call me and I'll come a runnin'. But don't be reading my mind between four and five. That's Willy's time!

Groundskeeper Willy: [after being hacked in the back with an axe for the third time in the third act] Oh, I'm bad at this.
[falls down dead]

Marge: [Bart awakens from a nightmare] Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back home with your family now, where there's nothing to be afraid of... except that fog that turns people inside out.
Bart: Huh?
Homer: [the fog starts coming in] Uh-oh, it's seeping in. STUPID CHEAP WEATHER STRIPPING!
[everyone screams as the fog turns them inside out; then they stop screaming, looking at each other. Music plays, and they start dancing and singing]
Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa: One chorus line of people, dancing till they make us stop!
Groundskeeper Willie: [Willy, also turned inside out, jumps on stage] Too...!
Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa, Groundskeeper Willie: Many dancing people, covered in blood, gore, and glop!/Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out!/It's worse than that flesh-eating virus you've read about!/Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in, the family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine!/Happy Halloween!

Groundskeeper Willy: You're still not in your own world, Homer. You can have the house, but you have to do exactly as I...
[Gets killed by Maggie who hits him with an axe]
Maggie Simpson: This is indeed a disturbing universe.

The Simpsons: Road Rage (2001) (VG)
Groundskeeper Willy: Eat tractor!

Groundskeeper Willy: Get ready for some Big Willy Style!

Groundskeeper Willy: Aii, I got to go to Skinner's. He's making me hose off his mother.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
Groundskeeper Willie: Aaaaaaaaaagh! I'll *kill* that Mr Burns! And wound that Mr Smithers!

Groundskeeper Willie: Burns cost me my job at Springfield Elementary, and I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.

Mayor Quimby: People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it.
Quimby's Aide: [Whispers] Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.
Mayor Quimby: Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor.
Smithers: [Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up]
Smithers: Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to... a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!
Doctor Hibbert: Oh, dear God!
Smithers: Eh, it's not that bad. I never miss Pardon My Zinger.
[Ned wraps a blanket around him]
Groundskeeper Willie: Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.
Abe Simpson: Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines.
Crazy Old Man: You bastard!

"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)
[Willie has been ordered to pursue Santa's Little Helper through the vents]
Groundskeeper Willie: Lunchlady Doris, have you got any grease?
Lunchlady Doris: Yes. Yes, we do.
Groundskeeper Willie: [rips off his clothes] Then grease me up, woman!
Lunchlady Doris: ...Okey-dokey.

Groundskeeper Willie: Lunchlady Doris, do you have any grease?
Lunchlady Doris: Yes. Yes we do.
Groundskeeper Willie: [rips open his shirt] Then grease me up woman!
Lunchlady Doris: Okey dokey.

"The Simpsons: Marge Gets a Job (#4.7)" (1992)
Groundskeeper Willie: [a wolf is attacking Bart] Hey, Wolfie! Put down that hors d'oeurve, it's time fer tha main course!

[Willie shares a flask of Scotch with the whipped wolf]
Groundskeeper Willie: Ah, don't feel too bad for losin'! I was wrestling wolves when you were at your mother's teat!

"The Simpsons: Yokel Chords (#18.14)" (2007)
Groundskeeper Willie: I'll get those children dead or alive.
Principal Skinner: Alive.
Groundskeeper Willie: Aw, you never let Willie be Willie.

Principal Skinner: Willie. Go get those kids and bring them back!
Groundskeeper Willie: I'll bring 'em back dead or alive!
Principal Skinner: NOT dead.
Groundskeeper Willie: Aww, ya never let Willie be Willie!

"The Simpsons: Lard of the Dance (#10.1)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Stop pummeling me, it's really painful!
Groundskeeper Willie: Fine... I'll strangle ye for a while!

Groundskeeper Willie: [indicating his fists] If it was up to me, I'd let you go; but the boys have a temper, and they've been drinking all day.

"The Simpsons: Stop or My Dog Will Shoot (#18.20)" (2007)
Groundskeeper Willie: That'll do snake... That'll do.

"The Simpsons: The Canine Mutiny (#8.20)" (1997)
Groundskeeper Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt. And I 'ate him!
[raises a huge bone of meat]
Bart Simpson: [gasps]
Groundskeeper Willy: [tears meat off the bone] I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barkin'!
[tosses a bone behind him]
Groundskeeper Willy: So, I gave him to the church.
Bart Simpson: [relieved] Ohh, I see. You *hate* him, so you gave him to the church.
Groundskeeper Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug!
[Bart turns around, stares at Willy]
Groundskeeper Willy: Ya heard me!

"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Groundskeeper Willie: Ach! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!

"The Simpsons: I Love Lisa (#4.15)" (1993)
Groundskeeper Willie: [choked up] I did not cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig, but I'll cry now.

"The Simpsons: The Dad Who Knew Too Little (#14.8)" (2003)
Dexter Colt, P.I.: Where's Principal Skinner's office?
Groundskeeper Willie: Wait a minute. You can't just walk in there.
Dexter Colt, P.I.: You know, you're the spitting image of the Aberdeen strangler.
Groundskeeper Willie: Carry on.
[leaves, whistling]

"The Simpsons: Papa's Got a Brand New Badge (#13.22)" (2002)
Groundskeeper Willie: We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend.

"The Simpsons: Radio Bart (#3.13)" (1992)
[while digging a mine shaft to rescue Bart from a well]
Apu: [gasp] The canary.
Groundskeeper Willie: GAS. OUT OF THE HOLE.
[everyone runs out yelling; above ground, Dr. Hibbert examines the canary]
Dr. Hibbert: Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes.
Groundskeeper Willie: BACK IN THE HOLE.
[everyone runs back in, yelling]

"The Simpsons: Secrets of a Successful Marriage (#5.22)" (1994)
Groundskeeper Willie: If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would have taken the orange-eating class!
Hans Moleman: [cut to Hans Moleman teaching] The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage.
Grampa: [impatient] Just eat the damn oranges!

"The Simpsons: Postcards from the Wedge (#21.14)" (2010)
Groundskeeper Willie: Hoisting a bag. Aye, there's no better feeling on Earth.

"The Simpsons: Home Sweet Home-Dum-Diddly Doodily (#7.3)" (1995)
[Skinner watches as Willie burns Bart's lice-infested clothes]
Groundskeeper Willie: See you in hell, you wingless bloodsuckers!
Principal Skinner: What kind of parents would permit such a lapse in scalpal hygiene?
Groundskeeper Willie: Well, you better check out his sister. She could be rife with them bugs too!

"The Simpsons: Alone Again, Natura-Diddly (#11.14)" (2000)
Reverend Lovejoy: In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with memorable catchphrases, or comical accents.
Willie: Aye.
Captain McAllister: Yar.
Frink: Oh, glaven, why, glaven?
Reverend Lovejoy: But, whether you noticed her or not, Maude was always there... and we thought she always would be.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
[Bart is hanging out the window of the school bus. Principal Skinner and Groundskeeper Willie are trying to pull him back in]
Principal Skinner: Pull, Willie, pull!
Groundskeeper Willie: I'm doin' all the pullin', ya blouse-wearin' poodle-walker!

"The Simpsons: Bart's Girlfriend (#6.7)" (1994)
[speaking about Scottish history and culture]
Groundskeeper Willie: Now, the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury.

"The Simpsons: The DeBarted (#19.13)" (2008)
Groundskeeper Willie: I have some information for you, but it's gonna be hard to hear.
Bart Simpson: Why, because of your stupid accent?
Groundskeeper Willie: Ach, nay! Because of it's upsetting nature.

"The Simpsons: Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-Annoyed-Grunt-cious (#8.13)" (1997)
Groundskeeper Willie: Shary Bobbins and I were engaged to be wed back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her.
Shary Bobbins: It's good to see you, Willie.
Groundskeeper Willie: [angry] That's not what you said the first time you saw me!

"The Simpsons: Homer the Heretic (#4.3)" (1992)
[on Sunday, the church doors are frozen shut by the blizzard outside; as the congregation waits, Willie applies a blowtorch]
Reverend Lovejoy: How's it going, Willie?
Groundskeeper Willie: Miracles are your department, Reverend!

"The Simpsons: Mathlete's Feat (#26.22)" (2015)
Groundskeeper Willie: [about a Roomba cleaning the school halls] What's that?
Principal Skinner: We didn't want to leave you out of the digital revolution. Willie, meet your new supervisor.
Groundskeeper Willie: You mean I have to take orders from a machine?
Principal Skinner: Well, it can't speak, but should it ever, yes.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#7.1)" (1995)
Groundskeeper Willie: I could ne'er have shot Burns. It's impossible for me to fire a pistol If you check me medical records, you'll see I have a crippling arthritis in me index fingers.
[holds up his fingers, which are misshapen]
Groundskeeper Willie: I got it from space invaders in 1977.
Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah, that was a pretty addictive video game.
Groundskeeper Willie: Video game?!

"The Simpsons: The Bart of War (#14.21)" (2003)
Marge Simpson: [a riot is occurring in Duff Stadium] All I wanted was to glue feathers on felt and teach the boys good citizenship
[she starts to cry and the cameraman turns the camera to her]
Homer Simpson: [Seeing her crying on the stadium screen] That's my wife and she's crying!
Groundskeeper Willie: Dry your tears lass
Otto Mann: Then show us your boobs
Drederick Tatum: [after repeatedly punching Moe] Dear God, why are we fighting?
Others: I ain't doing any fighting

"The Simpsons: The Color Yellow (#21.13)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: [after blowing up a tree stump] Wait, here comes the mykia.
Groundskeeper Willie: What's a mykia?
[the stump falls on Skinner's car]
Principal Skinner: My Kia!

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Vegetarian (#7.5)" (1995)
Principal Skinner: Uh oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie! Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Groundskeeper Willie: I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself.

"The Simpsons: Moms I'd Like to Forget (#22.10)" (2011)
Groundskeeper Willie: You call that a scar? This is a scar!
Nelson Muntz: That's a bellybutton. Everybody's got one.
Groundskeeper Willie: [sad] I thought I was special.

"The Simpsons: Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life (#22.5)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: [Walking down the hall at school] Ugh. What's the point of getting rid of all the distractions at home if I have to do my learning here?
[Walks into the library and opens a book, smiling because it's quiet]
Groundskeeper Willie: [Walks into the library, running a loudly whirring floor waxer. Sings] Oh, I'll wax the upstairs and I'll wax the downstairs, and I'll get drunk in the library!
Lisa Simpson: [Annoyed] Willie! Do you have to wax this floor now?
Groundskeeper Willie: [Turns off waxer. Apologetically] No, no. I can come back later.
[Turns around to leave and slips on the waxed floor, landing with a loud crunch. He screams in pain]
Groundskeeper Willie: Aaah!
Lisa Simpson: [Concerned] Oh! Should I get the nurse?
Groundskeeper Willie: Nay, just keep studyin'. I'll scream this out.
[Writhing on the floor]
Groundskeeper Willie: Aaah! Oy! Aaaahh!
Lisa Simpson: [Frustrated] Ugh!
[Lisa covers her ears]

"The Simpsons: Mypods and Boomsticks (#20.7)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: You're new here, so here's what you need to know: we call Principal Skinner "Principal Skin-rash", Professor Weiner is "Professor Whiner", and Groundskeeper Willie is Grounds-Creepier Stupid.
Groundskepper Willie: That's not even clever. There are so many aspects of my personality you can mock. I'm poor, I'm illiterate, I think movies are real...

"The Simpsons: Monty Can't Buy Me Love (#10.21)" (1999)
Mr. Burns: [after draining Lake Loch Ness, he sees something resembling it] That's it! I see the monster!
Groundskeeper Willie: [once all the water is drained] Nay! That's merely a Loch Ness discarded Homecoming float.
Homer: [they walk into the drained lake and Homer sees, STOMP ABERDEEN inscribed on it] No way! Aberdeen rules!
[the real Loch Ness Monster appears, crushes the float and roars, Mr. Burns, Homer, Groundskeeper Willie and Professor Frink all gasp. Homer looks at the Nessie like "Macarena Monster" doll, then looks at Nessie]
Homer: God, it's him!
Mr. Burns: Come on boys, overpower it.
[Groundskepper Willie, Homer, and Professor Frink walk away, whistling]
Mr. Burns: Fine. I'll do it myself.
[takes off his coat and tie and rolls up his sleeves, the next thing you know, Nessie is being held in a net under the helicopter]
Groundskeeper Willie: [in the helicopter] That was amazing, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: I was most worried when he swallowed me, but then, well, you know the rest. And now for my triumphant return to Springfield!

"The Simpsons: The Joy of Sect (#9.13)" (1998)
Groundskeeper Willie: [Homer, Bart and Lisa are tied up in a dark room with only a small dim light on] Oh, you're gonna break like matchsticks, I promise you that.
Ned Flanders: [coming through the door, turns on the big light] Hey, I made some Rice Krispies Squares for our hungry deprogram-erinos.
Groundskeeper Willie: Oh, man! You ruined the atmosphere, you daft pansy!
Ned Flanders: Well, this is my rumpus room.
Groundskeeper Willie: Don't call it that!