Homer Simpson
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Quotes for
Homer Simpson (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
The Simpsons Movie (2007)
[Homer is whipping the dogs pulling his sled]
Homer Simpson: Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs jump over a cliff] Jump! Jump!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs land on the other side] Land! Land!
Homer Simpson: [still whipping the dogs as they take a breather] Rest! Rest!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs pull the sled again] Run! Run!
Homer Simpson: [Homer sets up camp and begins removing the dog muzzles] Okay, I know we've had a rough day, but I'm sure we can put that all behind us and...
Homer Simpson: [the dogs start attacking Homer, causing him to scream in pain] AGH! Not my whipping arm!
Homer Simpson: [the dogs leave Homer stranded] Why does everything I whip leave me?

Homer Simpson: I'll let you hold the bomb...
Bart Simpson: The man knows me!

Homer Simpson: We have a great life here in Alaska, and we're never going back to America again!

Homer Simpson: That was the most incredible experience of my life! And now, to find my family, save my town, and drop ten pounds!

Homer Simpson: [while choking Bart for laughing at him] I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!

Marge Simpson: Homer, you have to go out there, face that mob, and apologize for what you did.
Homer Simpson: I would, but I'm afraid if I open the door, they'll take all of you!
Carl: No we won't. We just want Homer!
Homer Simpson: Well, maybe not you, but they'll kill Grandpa!
Grampa: I'm part of the mob!

Homer Simpson: Okay, son. You have only one chance to throw that bomb through the hole.
Bart Simpson: Dad, in case I don't make it, I'm sorry I said I wish you weren't my dad.
Homer Simpson: I don't blame you, son. I've never been that good of a father. Maybe it all starts with the way my father raised me. Yes, it's all clear to me. It's all just been one long, unbroken chain of...
Marge Simpson: Somebody throw the goddamn bomb!

Homer Simpson: [after being trapped in the dome] D'OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHME!

Marge Simpson: Mmmm, best kiss of my life.
Homer Simpson: Best kiss of your life, so far.

[about the Itchy and Scratchy movie in the cinema hall]
Homer Simpson: I can't believe we're paying to see something we get on TV for free! If you ask me, everybody in this theater is a giant sucker! Especially you!
[points to us]

Homer Simpson: Stay back, I've got a chain saw!
[fakes chainsaw sounds vocally]

Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut. Print. Kill the pig.
Homer Simpson: What... you can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!

[Bart claps]
Lisa Simpson: What are you doing, Bart?
Bart Simpson: Eh, just passing the time.
[Bart claps, snow repeatedly falls on Homer]
Homer Simpson: Aw, my boy loves Alaska so much, he's applauding it. Lisa, why aren't you clapping?
Lisa Simpson: But Dad!
Homer Simpson: [sternly] Clap for Alaska!
[Lisa claps along with Bart]
Homer Simpson: [Homer is buried under an avalanche]

Homer Simpson: Okay, epiphany, epiphany... oh I know! Bananas are an excellent source of potassium!
[gets slapped]
Homer Simpson: Ow! Uh, America will never embrace soccer.
[gets slapped]
Homer Simpson: More than two shakes and it's playing with yourself?

Homer Simpson: Thank you, boob lady!

Homer Simpson: I dunno what to tell you, Marge! I don't think about things. I mean, I respect those who do, but... I just try and make the day not hurt until I can crawl back in with you.

Homer Simpson: [flipping frantically through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!

Homer Simpson: [in a noose the angry mob set up] The word "apology" is tossed around a lot these days, but when it comes from in here...
[Homer motions towards his heart, prompting someone to throw a buzzsaw at him]
Homer Simpson: D'OH!

Homer Simpson: [gets up to leave and stops in the aisle] Ooh, floor popcorn!
[picks a pile of popcorn up off the floor and begins to eat it]

Marge Simpson: Wait! There's something I have to get!
[Runs into house, unlocks "Keepsake Cabinet", grabs tape, washes dirty dish, and races out, mere steps ahead of fireball]
Homer Simpson: [Marge gets back into car] What'd you get?
Marge Simpson: Our wedding video.
Homer Simpson: We have a wedding video?

Homer Simpson: [Pig nudges the plank the Simpsons are using to escape] No, Plopper. If you push that, daddy will die.
Pig: [looks at Homer and pushes plank] Oink.

Marge Simpson: [grimacing at the overflowing 'Pig Crap' silo] He filled up the whole silo in just two days?
Homer Simpson: [proudly] Well, I helped.

Bart Simpson: [blushing] Did you at least bring my clothes?
Homer Simpson: Shirt, socks, everything you need.
Bart Simpson: [covering up privates] You didn't bring my pants!
Homer Simpson: Who am I, Tommy Bahama?
Bart Simpson: [face is completely red, sobs] This is the worst day of my life.
Homer Simpson: The worst day of your life *so far*.

Marge Simpson: [to Lisa] Honey, that's great. But the very best thing is that he listens to you. Because nothing means more than for a man to...
[looks up in surprise]
Marge Simpson: How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?
[cuts to Homer holding a pig to the ceiling]
Homer Simpson: [singing Tune to Spider-Man Theme Song] Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig. / Does whatever a Spider-Pig does. / Can he swing / from a web? / No he *can't*, / He's a pig. / Look out! / He is the Spider-Pig!

Homer Simpson: Homer do good?
Bart Simpson: Actually, you've doomed us all. Again.

Marge Simpson: Homer, it was you! You single-handedly killed the entire town!
Homer Simpson: I know, it's *weird!*

Ned Flanders: The Good Lord is telling me to confess to something...
Homer Simpson: [whispering hopefully, with his fingers crossed] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay...

Homer Simpson: He's not Spider-Pig anymore, he's Harry Plopper.

Homer Simpson: [to Pig] Maybe *we* should kiss, just to break the tension.

Homer Simpson: [noticing a glow] Uh, what's that ominous glow in the distance?
Angry Mob: [wielding torches] Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill...
Homer Simpson: [looking out the window] Marge, look! Those idiots don't even know where we *live*!
Angry Mob: [looking round, seeing Homer] Kill, kill, kill, kill...
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Russ Cargill: [levels a shotgun at Homer and Bart]
Russ Cargill: Hello, Homer.
Homer Simpson: So, we meet at last, whoever you are.
Russ Cargill: There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun, I'm going to do both right now.
Bart Simpson: Wait! But if you kill my dad, I'll never know where the treasure is buried!
Russ Cargill: What treasure?
Bart Simpson: Uhm, the treasure of Ima Wiener.
Russ Cargill: I'm a wiener?
[Homer and Bart laugh]
Homer Simpson: Classic!
Russ Cargill: Well, always leave them laughing. Goodbye, sir.
[Cargil aims the shotgun, right as he is about to fire a boulder falls on him KOing him, the camera pans up to show Maggie]
Homer Simpson: Maggie! What a great little accident you turned out to be!
[Maggie winks and does a hand gun at Homer]

Homer Simpson: Marge!
[runs to her, hits head in tree branch]
Homer Simpson: It's the epiphitree! I tried my best, what am I supposed to do?
[wind blows leaf so that it points to hole over dome]
Homer Simpson: But how am I supposed to get there?
[light shaft shines on motorcycle]
Homer Simpson: Oh!
[slips a dollar bill on a hole in the tree]
Homer Simpson: Here, buy yourself something nice.

Bart Simpson: You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.
Homer Simpson: What kind of fun?
Bart Simpson: How bout a dare contest?
Homer Simpson: That sounds fun! I dare you to... climb the TV antennae!
Bart Simpson: [Bart climbs it easily] Piece of cake.
Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the antennae] Earthquake!
[Bart falls off and hangs onto the railing]
Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the railing] Aftershock!
Ned Flanders: Uh, Homer? I don't mean to be a nervous Pervis, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-erino?
Homer Simpson: Shut up, Flanders!
Bart Simpson: Yeah, shut up, Flanders!
Homer Simpson: Well said, boy!

Homer Simpson: [about the pig] Aw, you're gonna love him! Look, he does an impression of you!
[Homer pulls the pig's tail, causing it to bray like a donkey]
Homer Simpson: [laughing] You nailed her. He also does me.
[Homer squeezes the pig's stomach, causing it to burp; Marge giggles]
Homer Simpson: You smiled! I'm off the hook!

Homer Simpson: That could be anybody's Pig Crap silo.
[on TV, the cops rotate the silo to reveal "Return to Homer Simpson - No Reward"]

Homer Simpson: Now Homer Simpson's gonna show he has cajones!

Marge Simpson: Okay, here it goes. Homer, I've always stood up for you. When people point out your flaws, I always say, "Well, sometimes you have to stand back to appreciate a work of art."
Homer Simpson: Way back.
Marge Simpson: Lately, what's keeping us together is my ability to overlook everything you do. And I overlook these things because...
Homer Simpson: Because?
Marge Simpson: Well, that's the thing. I just don't know how to finish that sentence anymore. So I'm leaving with the kids to help Springfield, and we're never coming back. And to prove to myself that this is the end... I taped this over our wedding video. Good-bye, Homie.

Grampa: Homer? What are you doing now?
Homer Simpson: Risking my life to save people I hate for reasons I don't quite understand. Gotta go!

Homer Simpson: All right, boy. Time for the ultimate dare. I dare you to skateboard to Krusty Burger... and back... *naked*.
Bart Simpson: How naked?
Homer Simpson: Fourth base.
Bart Simpson: But girls might see my doodle.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I see. Then I hereby declare you chicken for life! Every morning, you'll wake up to, Good morning, chicken! At your wedding, I'll sing...
Homer Simpson: [clucks the wedding march] Buck-buck-bu-buck!

[car tyres screech to a halt outside. The Simpsons' silhouettes as the family make their way to the church door. Their conversation can also be heard]
Marge Simpson: I hate being late!
Homer Simpson: Well I hate going. Why can't I worship the Lord in my own way, by praying like hell on my death bed.
Marge Simpson: Homer, they can hear you inside!
Homer Simpson: Relax! Those pious morons are too busy talking to their phoney-baloney God!
[the family enter the church to total silence and angry looks. They make their way to their pew]
Homer Simpson: How ya doin'? Peace be with you. Praise Jebus.

[Homer and Bart are at a table. We see an interior shot of Homer's mouth as he eats. Bart is angry]
Homer Simpson: Hey, what's with you?
Bart Simpson: You really wanna know?
Homer Simpson: Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about
[sees something]
Homer Simpson: a pig wearing a hat!
[Krusty the Clown is filming a commercial]
Director: Action!
Krusty the Clown: Hey hey! It's your old pal Krusty for my new pork sandwich, the clogger! If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!
[He laughs and then takes a bite of the sandwich]
Krusty the Clown: Mmm!
Director: And... we're clear.
[Krusty spits out the sandwich]
Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.
[a saw is held up to the pig. It squeals in terror]
Homer Simpson: [gasps] What? You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!
[the pig runs across to Homer, giving him a forlorn look. To the tune of 'Happy Together', Homer briefly imagines himself and the pig dancing in a field. He picks up the pig]
Homer Simpson: You're coming home with me.

Homer Simpson: Screw Springfield!
Marge Simpson: [gasps] I can't believe you'd say something so selfish.
Homer Simpson: Marge, those people chased us with pitchforks and torches. TORCHES! At four in the afternoon!
Marge Simpson: It was 7 at night.
Homer Simpson: It was during Access Hollywood.
Marge Simpson: Which is on at 4 and 7.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Bart Simpson: Look what I did to *your* picture!
[Bart holds up a picture of Homer, on which he has drawn Flanders-style hair, glasses and a mustache]
Homer Simpson: AHHH!
Bart Simpson: Howdily-doodily! Howdily-doodily! Howdily-doodily!
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[Homer begins strangling Bart]
Homer Simpson: I'll strangle-angle you!

Marge Simpson: Homer, please get rid of that pig.
Homer Simpson: Oh you're gonna love him. Look he does an impression of you.
[Homer squeezes the pigs belly causing it to make a loud squeeling sound]
Homer Simpson: Nailed her!
[silence]
Homer Simpson: He also does me
[squeezes the pig again, causing it to burp]
Homer Simpson: .
Marge Simpson: [laughs]
Homer Simpson: You smiled! I'm off the hook.

Homer Simpson: Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
Marge Simpson: Actually, it's aged me horribly.

Lisa Simpson: You monster! You monster!
Homer Simpson: Uh, did you see the news?

Toll Booth Man: Welcome to Alaska. Here's a thousand dollars.
Homer Simpson: Well, it's about time! But why?
Toll Booth Man: We pay every resident a thousand dollars to allow the oil companies to ravage our state's natural beauty.
Homer Simpson: [hugs toll booth man] I'm home!

Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Homer Simpson: [talking to himself while trudging through the snow] Must keep going. Must keep going. No I can't! Yes, you can. No I can't. Yes you can. Oh, shut up! *You* shut up! No, you! No, you! Oh, real mature! Oh, what's the point?
[falls into the snow]

Homer Simpson: Marge, in every marriage you get one chance to say, "I need you to do this with me."
[holds out hand]
Homer Simpson: And there's only one answer when somebody says that.

Marge Simpson: Homer, in every marriage you get one chance to say, "I need you to do this with me."
Homer Simpson: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Bart Simpson: [drunkenly] Mom?
Marge Simpson: Yes honey?
Bart Simpson: You just bought another load of crap from the world's fattest fertilizer salesman.
Homer Simpson: You'll pay for ruining the golden family moment!
Marge Simpson: Homer!
Bart Simpson: How are we supposed to get to Alaska without any money?
Homer Simpson: Alright, son. If you don't believe me, believe in America!

Homer Simpson: Well, Marge, we're separated from the kids by a wall of snow. All of our dreams are coming true.

Homer Simpson: A lot of people worked hard on this film, and all they ask is for you to memorize their names.

Marge Simpson: [observing a silo marked "Pig Crap"] Ugh... it's leaking!
Homer Simpson: It's not leaking, it's overflowing!
Marge Simpson: He filled up the whole silo in two days?
Homer Simpson: Well I helped.

Homer Simpson: So, who wants waffles?
Bart Simpson, Grampa, Lisa Simpson: I do! I do! I do!
Marge Simpson: What about Grampa?
Bart Simpson: I want syrup!
Lisa Simpson: I want strawberries!
Marge Simpson: Shouldn't we be concerned about what happened in church?
Homer Simpson: I'll tell you what happened. A certain someone had a senior moment, but that's okay, because we love him anyway, and we got a free rug out of it.
[Kisses Grampa on the forehead]
Marge Simpson: What's the point of going to church every Sunday if when someone we love has a genuine religious experience we ignore it? Right, Grampa?
Grampa: I want bananas on my waffles.
Homer Simpson: I rest my case.

Homer Simpson: I've always been afraid I'd screw up our lives so bad that I've had to come up with a back-up plan. And that plan is right here!
[Pulls out wallet; takes out Monopoly "Get Out Of Jail Free" card]
Homer Simpson: No.
[Takes out photo of Michael Jordan with his face taped over it]
Homer Simpson: No.
[Takes out folded piece of paper]
Homer Simpson: Bingo!
[Unfolds paper; it takes a long time]
Homer Simpson: Bear with me.
[finally unfolds paper, a huge poster of Alaska with the tagline "A Fresh Start"]
Lisa Simpson: Alaska?
Homer Simpson: Alaska! Where you can't be too fat or too drunk. When no one says things like "Let's see your high school equivalency certificate."

Homer Simpson: What seems to be the problem, officer?
Bart Simpson: Dad! Tell them you dared me to do it!
Chief Wiggum: If that's true, then you should be taking the rap for this, not your son.
Homer Simpson: And what happens to me if it's my fault?
Chief Wiggum: You'll have to attend a one hour parenting class.
Homer Simpson: It was all his fault! He's out of control! I'm at my wit's end!

Medicine Woman: Homer Simpson. do you know why you are here?
Homer Simpson: because my family cares more about other people then they do about me.
Medicine Woman: drink this liquid.
Homer Simpson: AHHHhHHHHHHHH more please.
Medicine Woman: now we will cleanse you spirit my the ancient Inuit art of throat singing.
Homer Simpson: throat singing?
Medicine Woman: AAAA OOO OOO OOO AAAA
Homer Simpson: hoooo ahhh hoo ah hoo ah
Homer Simpson: how long we doing this?
Medicine Woman: until you. have an epiphany.
Homer Simpson: ok?
Medicine Woman: OOOOOOOHHHH OOOHHH OOHHH
Homer Simpson: whats an epiphany?
Medicine Woman: sudden realizing, of great truth.
Homer Simpson: ok.


"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Homer: I don't have to be careful. I have a gun.

Homer: I'd like your deadliest gun please.
Clerk: Aisle 6- Next to the sympathy cards.

Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

Homer: I'd kill you if I had my gun.

Homer: This gun has made me lose everything... my family, my friends, everything but my precious, precious gun.

Marge: You lied to me Homer. You told me you got rid of the gun.
Homer: But Marge, I swear, I never thought you'd find out.

Homer: I feel that if a gun is good enough to protect something as important as a bar, then its good enough to protect my family.

Homer: But Marge, a gun is a tool. Like a butcher knife or a harpoon, or uhh... an alligator.

Homer: [the soccer game has bored everyone to silence] Boring!
Krusty the Clown: Come on, you shnorers! Do something!
Kent Brockman: [bored] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it.
[sighs]
Kent Brockman: Holds it.
Foreign-accented sports commentator: [excited] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds It!

Homer: [muttering] Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two...
[at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom]
Homer: ...let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods...
Lisa: Dad, it's 3:00 AM. Cant you mutter in your room?
Homer: Marge kicked me out.
Lisa: All right, go ahead.
Homer: Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children...

Homer: Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around.
[Homer starts pushing Lisa around]
Homer: D'you want that? Huh? Do ya?
Lisa: No...

Marge: Homer! I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?
Homer: I thought Smithers did it.
Lisa: That would've made a lot more sense.

Agnes Skinner: [Homer turns the TV on by shooting his gun at it] I've never seen such recklessness!
Louie: You mighta hurt someone!
Cletus: Are you some kind of moron?
Homer: Yeah, but...
Krusty: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.

Clerk: [Homer grabs for his gun, but the cashier holds onto it] Sorry, the law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.
Homer: Five days? But I'm mad now!
[the cashier pulls the gun away from him]
Homer: I'd kill you if I had my gun.
Clerk: Yeah, well, you don't.

Ex-con Salesman: Looks like you called me just in time. This home isn't secure at all.
[starts to pocket a few items from around the house]
Homer: What did I tell you, Marge?
Ex-con Salesman: Intruders could come in down the chimney, through the mail slot, even hidden in your groceries.

TV Commercial Voice: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!
Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people.
TV Commercial Voice: And they'll all be signing autographs!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Marge: Homer, we've got to get out of here!
Homer: Ooh, but I want to do some rioting.
[pushes one of the Scotsmen]
Willie's Friend: [turns to face Homer, screaming] Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker!
Homer: All done!
[runs off]

Marge: I'm a lucky woman.
Homer: And I'm a wonderful man.

Marge: [as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?
Bart Simpson: Um...
Homer: Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!
[points gun to himself]
Marge: Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.
Homer: You said the breakfast table.
Marge: It's the same table!
Homer: Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.
[attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board]
Homer: Oh... I guess the safety was on.
[He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest]
Homer: I'd better just put it down.
[sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes]
Lisa: No offense Mom, but that was pretty cool.

Homer: [the Mexican soccer team has the first possession of the ball and is cautiously kicking the ball around, setting up for a goal as the Portugal team stands there, awaiting the play to develop. The crowd quickly grows bored]
[shouts]
Homer: Boring!
Krusty: Come on, you schnorers, do something!
Kent Brockman: [sounding bored as he calls the actions] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it.
[rolls eyes]
Kent Brockman: Holds it...
Foreign-accented sports commentator: [excitedly] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!
Sideshow Mel: I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving!
Moe: Yeah, not before me you ain't.
Ned Flanders: Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone!
Moe: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal!
[puts Flanders into a headlock]
Principal Skinner: Hey, now, that's uncalled for.
Lenny: Shut your hole, Skinner!
[punches Skinner in the stomach which causes him to fall down the stairs]

Clerk: Whoa! Careful there, Annie Oakley.
Homer: I don't have to be careful, I got a gun.

Homer: Now, I believe you have some sort of firearm for me.
Clerk: Well, let's see here. According to your background check, you've been in a mental institution...
Homer: Yeah.
Clerk: frequent problems with alcohol...
Homer: [nervously] Yeah.
Clerk: ...beat up President Bush!
Homer: Former President Bush.
[the owner slaps a red rubber stamper on Homer's printout]
Homer: "Potentially dangerous"?
Clerk: Relax, that just limits you to three handguns or less.
Homer: Woo hoo!

Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or... uh, a... an alligator. You just need more education on the subject. Tell you what. You come with me to an N.R.A. meeting, and if you still don't think guns are great, we can argue some more.

Bart Simpson: [after he finds Homer's gun and tries to shoot an apple off Milhouse's head] And the next marksman is: William Tell, Jr.!
Milhouse Van Houten: Jinx!
Marge: [when she comes home; gasps] Bart!
Homer: Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun.
Marge: You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun.
Homer: I put it in a safe place, Marge! I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?
Marge: How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst, the most despicable!
Homer: But, Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!
Marge: Mmm... until you decide what's more important, your gun, or your family, we can't live in the same house. Come on, kids.
[takes the kids and leaves]
Homer: So this is the thanks I get for protecting my family? Then go. I'll be just fine.
[door slams; Homer turns to Milhouse]
Homer: Do you know how to cook dinner?
Milhouse Van Houten: [excitedly] Do I?
[starts looking through a cabinet, rummaging through pots and pans]

Homer: [to Marge] Oh, honey, please come home. I need you! It's dark in the house and I'm hungry and lonesome and there's no one there to hear my various witty remarks!
Marge: What about the gun?
Homer: It's gone for good, Marge. I finally realized, what's the point of having a gun for protection, if you've got no one to protect?
Marge: Oh, Homey...
[she and Homer hug]
Marge: Come on, kids, we're going home!

Homer: I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun. So please, get rid of it, because I know I'll just lie to you again and again.


The Simpsons: Road Rage (2001) (VG)
Homer Simpson: Get in, I've got candy

Homer Simpson: You drive like I think... slowly!

Homer Simpson: [singing] I am so smart. S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T.

Abraham Simpson: Sit down and shut up.

Homer Simpson: [after the clock runs out] What do you mean game over?

Homer Simpson: [after being told where to drive] Ooh Can I come?

Homer Simpson: Boy, remember what daddy told you about being responsible and showing up for work on time? Well it's all a lie.
Bart Simpson: Homer, that's America to me.

Homer Simpson: [Crashing into another car] Outta my way jerkass!

Quimby: [gets into Abraham's vehicle] Hello there. Can you take me to the nearest eating establishment?
Abraham Simpson: Back in my day we called sandwiches "flat bready". It cost four playing cards a bite.

Homer Simpson: [driving into Mr. Burns' garden to destroy his statues] You'll know my name when we're finished here Burns!

Abraham Simpson: DMV please! I like to wait in line.
Krusty the Clown: Ugh, I once nailed a groupie there!

Homer Simpson: Take me to the courthouse! I'm late for my sentencing!

Homer Simpson: I need to go to my workstation. My sleeping bag is there.

Homer Simpson: Take me to the Power Plant. I'm on a mission for fission!

Abraham Simpson: You're the worse driver since Fanny Brice!

Moe: Oh, hiya, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Hey, Moe! Still tryin' to work off those gambling debts, eh?

Homer Simpson: [understandably scared] Mr. Burns wants me in his office right away. If I'm late he'll have me eliminated!
Moe: You got it.

Abraham Simpson: [after running someone over] Did I just hit something?

Abraham Simpson: [after running someone over] Damn teenagers!

Abraham Simpson: [after hitting someone] Am I going to jail for that?

Abraham Simpson: [start of game] Oh, I sure hope I don't fall asleep at the wheel!

Abraham Simpson: [when time runs out] Would somebody tell me what just happened?

Bart Simpson: Grandpa, they let you out?
Abraham Simpson: I left a mannequin in my bed!

Marge: Grandpa, what are you doing outside?
Abraham Simpson: [concerned and obviously confused] I don't know!


The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
Homer Simpson: Barney, you know that cooler I gave you for your birthday? Well, Flanders wants it back.
Barney Gumble: Now what am I gonna use for a toilet?

[Homer destroys the surveillance cameras at the power plant]
Homer Simpson: Finally, I can get some sleep.
[the whistle blows]
C. Montgomery Burns: [over P.A. system] Mindless drones! Return to your ugly families!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Homer Simpson: C. Montgomery Burns! I know you're guilty! J'accused! Sir.
C. Montgomery Burns: Fine, I'll admit it. I had Amelia Earhart's plane shot down. That hussy was getting too big for her jodhpurs.

Homer Simpson: Here's your science project.
Lisa Simpson: Thanks for delivering my model of the digestive system. Hey! Where's the gall bladder?
Homer Simpson: I got hungry and... it was a fig?
Lisa Simpson: It was modeling clay!
Homer Simpson: Oh.

Homer Simpson: [after hitting something] Bart did it!

Homer Simpson: [singing] I am evil Homer! I am evil Homer!

Homer Simpson: I'm a lean, mean... speed thingy!

Homer Simpson: Hey Zombie. You working for the DMV now?
Zombie: Brains. More Brains.
Homer Simpson: Thank You. I do have nice brains.

Homer Simpson: And people say I'm slow. Wait a minute! That was an insult!

Homer Simpson: Now, what can I use to board up the windows? I know! Boards!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, I'm so proud of you for stopping the alien invasion.
Homer Simpson: Did that really happen? I thought it was a bad dream from eating too many raw hot dogs.
Marge Simpson: No, Homey! You're the town hero!
Homer Simpson: Really? And what about the ninja babysitters? Was that real or a hot dog dream?
Lisa Simpson: Hot dog dream.

Homer Simpson: [chanting] Two, four, six, eight! You suck! I'm great! La da! La da! You I hate!

Marge Simpson: Homey, you're late for work, and today's your workplace evaluation with Mr. Smithers!
Homer Simpson: Ahh! He'll find my scorpion farm, then where will my scorpions live?

[Homer notices a security camera at his workstation]
Homer Simpson: How can I sleep with that camera? Ooh, sexy girls could be watching me on the internet!

Homer Simpson: Flanders, give me your first aid kit.
Ned Flanders: Well, I was hoping to save it for Rod and Todd to bandage their brain-eating boo-boos.
Homer Simpson: Just rub a bible on them.
Ned Flanders: Will that work to fend off zombies?
Homer Simpson: Who am I, Doctor Science?
Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely, here's the first aid.
Rod Flanders: Daddy, if the zombies are dead, why aren't they in Heaven?
Todd Flanders: I hope my brain feeds a hungry zombie.

Comic Book Guy: If my knowledge of sci-fi movies is correct, which it is, the black car is an advanced probe for the mothership. Now, if you're through, I'm going to spend my last hours on Earth complaining about movies on the internet.
Homer Simpson: The gift of life is wasted on you.
Comic Book Guy: Yes, I recommend you obtain a zombie car. It will protect you well but it runs on human brains, a slight drawback.
Homer Simpson: I've got plenty of those.

Homer Simpson: Can you come and pick me up? I'll pay you in back rubs.

Homer Simpson: Homer hates losing.
[shouts]
Homer Simpson: Homer smash!

Homer Simpson: Oh, I forgot my mission.

Homer Simpson: Look, I need to get some barrels of radioactive waste to save Springfield from the aliens!
C. Montgomery Burns: I agree. Illegal aliens are a nuisance.
Homer Simpson: Not *leaf-blower* aliens! *Tentacle* aliens!

Homer Simpson: [after crashing and wrecking] Marge will clean that up.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)
Homer Simpson: [after putting his finger through the wall] That's weird, it's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

Homer Simpson: This place looks expensive. I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. I better make the most of it.
[Homer burps]

[last lines]
Homer Simpson: Ooh! Erotic cakes!
[Homer walks inside a bakery]

[after Homer steps out into 3D land]
Homer Simpson: [disembodied] Hello? Can anybody hear me?
Marge Simpson: Homer! Where are you?
Homer Simpson: Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.
Marge Simpson: Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again.
Homer Simpson: Just a second... no, it's a place I've never been before.
Selma: Hmm. The shower.
[laughs]
Homer Simpson: Hey! I don't want to alarm you, Marge, but I seem to be trapped in here.

[while Bart is playing frisbee with his dog, Willie arrives at his front yard]
Groundskeeper Willie: Glad to rake your acquaintance.
[laughs evilly]
Bart Simpson: [Bart wakes up screaming]
Bart Simpson: [sighs] Ohh... it was only a dream.
[Bart sees the scratches on his body and screams again]
Homer Simpson: [from elsewhere, sounding worried] Bart! Is that you?
Bart Simpson: Yes!
Homer Simpson: Take out the garbage.

[Homer's father, Abraham, arrives at his house wearing a diving suit]
Abraham Simpson: I'll save Homer! All I needs is four stout men to work the bellows.
Prof. John Frink: No, pops, it's too risky! For all we know, there could be cubes in there the size of gorillas and other large...
Homer Simpson: [disembodied] Help! I don't have much time.

[Homer looks at goldfish in a pond]
Homer Simpson: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm... unprocessed fish sticks.

[reading a sign, "Do Not Touch - Willy"]
Homer: Do not touch Willy. Good advice.

Homer Simpson: Ah, the Miracle Mile. Where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye.

Kent Brockman: Even as we speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town. Lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family.
Homer Simpson: We'll be right back.

Marge Simpson: Kids, it's time we told you the true story and put your fears to rest. It's a story of murder and revenge from beyond the grave. It all started on the thirteenth hour of the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month. We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.
Homer Simpson: Brrr! Oh, lousy Smarch weather.

Homer Simpson: [Thinking] Oh, glory of glories. Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's Creation.
Homer Simpson: [Speaking] Holy macaroni!

Lisa Simpson: Bart, don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die.
Abraham Simpson: Bah! Welcome to my world.

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what's it like in there?
Homer Simpson: Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
Dr. Hibbert: No.
Lisa Simpson: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Marge Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson: No.
Selma: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Reverend Lovejoy: No.
Prof. John Frink: No.
Chief Wiggum: Yes. I mean, no.

Lisa Simpson: Well, where's my dad?
Prof. John Frink: Well, it should be clear to even the most dimwitted individual - who holds and advanced degree in hypothetical topology - that Homer Simpson has stumbled into...
[Dramating lighting]
Prof. John Frink: ... the Third Dimension!
Lisa Simpson: [Turns light back on] Sorry.
Prof. John Frink: Here is an ordinary square...
Chief Wiggum: Whoa, whoa, slow down, egghead.
Prof. John Frink: But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our own universe along the hypothetical Z-axis there.
[All gasp in astonishment]
Prof. John Frink: This forms the three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a frinkahedron, in honor of its discoverer.
Homer Simpson: Help me! Are you helping me or are you going on and on?
Prof. John Frink: Oh, yeah. And of course within we find the doomed individual.
Chief Wiggum: Enough of your borax, Pointdexter! A man's life's at stake. We need action!
[Fires gun at portal]
Chief Wiggum: Take that, you lousy dimension!

Homer Simpson: Oh, no. Better ride this one out in the closet.
[Opens closet door; Bart and Lisa are inside]
Lisa Simpson: Sorry, dad. This is our spot.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah? Well, it's my house, so it's my spot.
Bart Simpson: Nu-uh, 'cause we called it.
Homer Simpson: Did not.
Lisa Simpson: Well, we're calling it now.
Homer Simpson: You are?
Bart Simpson: 'Fraid so.
Homer Simpson: Oh, they got me with their legal mumbo-jumbo.

Marge Simpson: Bart, what happened?
Bart Simpson: Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But dad seemed cautiously optimistic.
Homer Simpson: Craaaaaaap!

Homer: Lousy Smarch weather.


"The Simpsons: I Married Marge (#3.12)" (1991)
Homer: You in charge here?
Mr. Burns: Yes.
Smithers: I'll call security sir.
Homer: If you want the kind of employee that takes abuse I'm your man. You can treat me like dirt and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream.
Mr. Burns: Hold the phone Smithers. I like the cut of your jib.
Smithers: But sir this man not only failed the aptitude test he got trapped in a closet on his way out.
Mr. Burns: I don't care. I haven't been this impressed since a young bootlick named Waylon Smithers.
Homer: You mean?
Mr. Burns: Son you're hired. What's your name?
Homer: Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson eh? I'll remember that name.
Homer: WHOO HOO! Only in America could I get a job.

Homer: Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

[Marge is pregnant with Bart]
Marge: Hey, come over here and feel our baby kicking.
Homer: Wow! Kid, I won't let you down. I swear to you, when you come out of there, the first thing you're going to see is a man with a good job.
Patty: Yeah... the doctor.

[Homer's job interview with the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant]
Smithers: Now, let's say that there's something wrong with the reactor...
Homer: There's a problem with the reactor? We're all gonna die!
[Homer runs out, screaming]

Marge: Homer, do you ever think about the future?
Homer: You mean will apes be our masters?

[Homer got Marge pregnant]
Abe Simpson: Son, you've got to marry that girl.
Homer: Because it's the honorable thing to do?
Abe Simpson: No. Because you'll never do any better. Heh, heh, heh. You lucky bum. The fish jumped right in the boat, and all you gotta do is whack her with the oar.

[when Bart was born]
Marge: Homey, isn't he beautiful?
Homer: Hey, as long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me.

[Homer is working at a drive-thru window]
Homer: Yeah, what do you want?
Marge: My husband by my side.
Homer: You want fries with that?

Marge: "Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test"? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand?
Homer: But Marge, this one came with a free corncob pipe!
Marge: Okay, let's see. "Ahoy mateys! If the water turns blue, a baby for you. If purple ye see, no baby thar be."
Homer: Well, what color is it? Blue or purple?
Marge: Pink.
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: Hmm. "If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail."

Homer: Oh, honey do you really think you're pregnant?
Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I did with the other kids.
Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tingling in my chest and profuse sweating I always get.

Homer: Marge, there's something that I want to ask you, but I'm afraid, because if you say no, it will destroy me and make me a criminal.
Marge: Well, I haven't said no to you yet, have I?
Homer: Marge... Oh, damn it.
Marge: What's wrong?
Homer: Ohn I wrote down what I wanted to say on a card. The stupid thing must have fallen out of my pocket.
[He turns and hunches over the seat, rooting around the floor of the back of the car, and honking the horn with his feet. Marge picks up a card]
Marge: Is this it?
Homer: I don't know, what does it say?
Marge: [reading] "Marge, from the moment I met you I never wanted to be with anyone else. I have nothing to offer you except all of my love. Will you marry me?"
Homer: That's it. Give it here.
Marge: Oh, Homer. This is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
Homer: So... will you marry me?
Marge: ...Yes!
Homer: WOO HOO! She's going to marry me! In your face, everyone!

[at Shotgun Pete's Wedding Chapel]
Receptionist: Take this card. You can get it stamped every time you come back. The tenth wedding is on the house.
Homer: Hey, this marriage is gonna last forever!
Receptionist: Ha, ha! No matter how many times I hear that, it always makes me laugh.

Dr. Hibbert: Well, Ms. Bouvier, I think we've found the reason you've been throwing up in the morning...
[holds out his hand to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Congratulations.
Homer: D'OH!
[His "d'oh" echoes down the hallway]
Man in Body Cast: Poor guy.

Marge: Homer, if the baby's a boy, what do you think about the name Larry?
Homer: Marge, we can't do that. All the kids will call him Larry Fairy.
Marge: How about Louie?
Homer: They'll call him Screwy Louie.
Marge: Bob?
Homer: Slob.
Marge: Luke?
Homer: Puke.
Marge: Marcus?
Homer: Mucus.
Marge: What about Bart?
Homer: Hmm, let's see. Bart, Cart, Dart, E-art... nope, can't see any problem with that
[seemingly forgetting that "fart" would come next]

Homer: [Knocking on door] Marge! Marge!
Jacqueline Bouvier: You're a little late. She's gone to the hospital.
Homer: The hospital?
Jacqueline Bouvier: I'll drive you.
Homer: Thanks, Mom.
Jacqueline Bouvier: Don't *ever* call me that.

Homer: [as Marge goes into labor] Step aside. I'll deliver this baby.
Dr. Hibbert: Uh, why don't you let me handle it, Homer?
Homer: Oh, college boy, eh?
[Squares up to Dr. Hibbert]
Marge: Homer, for God's sakes, let him deliver the baby!

Homer: Ahhh, Bart. Daddy's little angel.
[Bart uses Homer's lighter to set his tie on fire]
Homer: Argh! Why you little - He did that on purpose!
Marge: How could he? He's only ten minutes old.

Homer: Bart, Lisa, come here for a minute. You know, son, the day you were born, I received the greatest gift a man could have. As the years went by, your mother and I were blessed twice more, and not a day goes by that we don't thank God for all three of you.
Marge: [Marge enters] Homer, I'm not pregnant!
Homer: Yeah! Whoo! Excellent, Marge!
Marge: Yes!
[They high five each other]


"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
[whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"]
Homer: Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!
[crashes into a chestnut tree]

[Homer can't stop the monorail]
Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you.
Homer: Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: It's NOT Batman.

Homer: Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.
Marge: Homer, no.
Homer: It's my lifelong dream!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember?
[Points to a framed newspaper reading "IDIOT RUINS GAME - Springfield forfeits pennant"]

Homer: Donuts - is there anything they can't do?

[Homer and Marge discuss the dangers of a monorail]
Marge: What if something goes wrong?
Homer: Pffft... what if. What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh my god, I'd be killed!

Marge Simpson: [Marge opens a closet in the monorail] Homer, there's a family of opossums in here!
Homer: I call the big one Bitey.

Homer: Are we gonna die son?
Bart: Yeah. But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us.

Sebastian Kobb: [showing Marge North Haverbrook's monorail] This is all that's left of one of the crappiest trains ever built.
Marge Simpson: [worried] Mr Kobb, what can we do?
Sebastian Kobb: You just better have a damn good conductor.
[cuts to the monorail where Homer is clattering a metal wire over the monorail door]
Homer: Ohh, I locked my keys in there!
[to Bart]
Homer: Get a rock.

Marge Simpson: Well, I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of.
Homer: Like a giant billboard that says "No fat chicks"?
Marge Simpson: No.

Mayor Quimby: Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.
Homer: Get to the money!
Mayor Quimby: In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
Apu: Get to the money!
Rev. Lovejoy: Get to the money!
Grampa Simpson: Get to the moneeey!
Mayor Quimby: Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2million.
Lisa Simpson: Don't you mean $3million?
Mayor Quimby: Of course. How silly of me.

Homer: [driving the car with a giant piano strapped to the top, therefore the total weight seriously damaging the road] Whoo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly!

Homer: [after the monorail song has just finished] Mono... D'oh!

Maude Flanders: Excuse me, we could use the money to hire fireman to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town.
Homer: Boring!

Marge: I still thing we should have used the money to fix Main Street.
Homer: Well, you should have written a song like that guy.

Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.

Lyle Lanely: You know, a town with money is a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
[crowd laughs]
Homer: He heh... mule.
Lyle Lanely: The name's Lanely! Lyle Lanely. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
[starts to walk out of the room]
Mayor Quimby: [at the podium] Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. You just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanely: All right. I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll show you my idea.
[runs over to a display covered by a sheet, and he whips it off, revealing a diorama of Springfield with a monorail model going through it]
Lyle Lanely: I give you the Springfield Monorail!
[crowd gasps]
Lyle Lanely: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum I've put them on the map!
[holds up a map of the U.S. with those towns' names drawn on with pen]

Lyle Lanely: [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
[points at Ned Flanders]
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanely: What's it called?
Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier: Monorail.
Lyle Lanely: That's right, monorail!
[runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
Crowd: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
[continues underneath those who speak]
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanely: [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanely: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney Gumble: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanely: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanely: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanely: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: [speaking] What's it called?
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: Once again!
Crowd: [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!

Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!
Crowd: [heading outside to the front steps while singing] Monorail... Monorail... Monoraaaaaaaaail! MONORAIL!
Homer: Mono - D'oh!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
Lisa Simpson: Dad, Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!
Montgomery Burns: Why, Bart's right here!
Bart Simpson: Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.
Homer Simpson: Oh, Lisa! You and your stories! "Dad, Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's get back to that... building thingy... where our beds and T.V... is.

Ned Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for...
[Homer has already scarfed the donut]
Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?
Ned Flanders: Well, technically no, but...
Homer: I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than the Dev-!
[Flanders turns into a huge demon]
Ned Flanders: You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson!

Homer: Mmmm... forbidden donut.

[Lisa takes a sip from her chalice and gasps]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, this is blood!
Homer Simpson: Correction: FREE blood.
[guzzles it down and sighs]

Bart Simpson: Our final painting is the most horrible of all. To even gaze upon it is to go mad...
Homer Simpson: AH! They're dogs! And they're playing poker! AHHHH!
[Homer begins laughing hysterically, and runs away shrieking]

Lisa Simpson: Grampa's a vampire?
Bart Simpson: We're all vampires.
[Bart, Homer, Marge, and Maggie all float into the air, baring their fangs as Lisa backs away in horror]
Lisa Simpson: But... no! We killed Mr. Burns!
Homer Simpson: You have to kill the *head* vampire?
Lisa Simpson: [gasp] You're the head vampire?
Marge Simpson: No, *I'm* the head vampire!
[She laughs demonically]
Lisa Simpson: Mom?
Marge Simpson: [normal voice] Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you notice anything strange?
Homer Simpson: Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.
Montgomery Burns: I heard that!
Homer Simpson: [quickly points to Bart] It was the boy!

Homer Simpson: [reading a note] "Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead!

[Homer is trapped in Hell for the day]
Demonic Torturer: So, you like donuts, eh?
Homer Simpson: Um-hmm.
Demonic Torturer: Well, have all the donuts in the world!
[the Demonic Torturer cackles while a machine stuffs Homer's mouth full of donuts. Dissolve to several hours later, the Demonic Torturer is baffled as Homer, whose body has gained a few extra hundred pounds, continues to eat and eat]
Homer Simpson: More!
Demonic Torturer: I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes!

Grampa Simpson: [runs into the room with a hammer and a wooden stake] Quick! We have to kill the boy!
Marge Simpson: How'd you know he was a vampire?
Grampa Simpson: He's a vampire? AHHH!
[runs off]

Lisa: No, no, they're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead! Nosferatu!
[the rest stare at her blankly]
Lisa: A vampire!
Homer: [Chuckles] Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

Homer: Oh, I'd sell my soul for a donut.
Ned Flanders: Well, that can be arranged.
Homer: What? Flanders. You're the devil?
Ned Flanders: Ho-ho, it's always the one you least suspect.

Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

Lisa: You must drive this stake right through his heart.
Homer: Take that, vile fiend!
[pounds the stake]
Lisa: Uh, Dad? That's his crotch.

Homer: [reading] "Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut. Signed, Homer."
[crumbles up paper]
Homer: Bastard. He's always one step ahead.

Marge Simpson: [Homer's Head is turned into a huge donut, and is eating it] Homer, stop picking at it.
Homer Simpson: But, I'm so sweet and tasty.
[Looks at his watch]
Homer Simpson: Well, time to go to work.
Lisa Simpson: [Getting in Homer's way] No dad. I wouln't go outside if I were you.
Chief Wiggum: [With the rest of Springfield's police force waiting outside of the Simpson's home with their coffee mugs] Don't worry, boys, he's gotta come outta there sometime.

Homer Simpson: It sure was nice of Mr Burns to invite us for a midnight dinner at his country house in...
[ominously]
Homer Simpson: Pennsylvania.


"The Simpsons: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire (#1.1)" (1989)
Bart: Come on, Dad, if TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.
Homer: Okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?

[listening to Bart's class sing "Jingle Bells"]
Marge: Oh, listen to Bart. Doesn't he sound like a little angel?
Bart: Oh, Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke it's wheel, and the Joker got aw...
[Skinner yanks him out of the choir]
Homer: D'oh!

Manager: Do you like kids?
Homer: What? You mean all the time? Even when they're nuts?
[the interviewer gives him a suspicious look]
Homer: Uh, I sure do.

Bart: Hey, Santa, what's shaking, Man?
Homer: [dressed as Santa] Um, what's your name, little Bart... Ner? Uh, little partner?
Bart: Hi. I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
Homer: [gritting his teeth and growling] I'm jolly old Saint Nick!

Bart: Can we keep him, Dad? Please?
Homer: But he's a loser. He's pathetic. He's...
[the dog licks his face]
Homer: A Simpson.

Homer: Look at this tree. Beauty, isn't it?
Patty: Why is there a bird house in it?
Homer: Er... That's an ornament.
Selma: Do I smell gun powder?

Marge: This is the best gift of all, Homer.
Homer: It is?
Marge: Yes, something to share our love. And to frighten prowlers.

Homer: Um Dasher, Dancer... Prancer... Nixon, Comet, Cupid... Donna Dixon?
Teacher: Sit down, Simpson.

Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
Homer: Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it our of your own allowance.
Bart: All right!
Marge: Homer!

Homer: [answering the phone] Hello?
Patty: Is Marge there?
Homer: Who is this?
Patty: Marge, please?
Homer: This is her sister, isn't it?
Patty: May I please speak to Marge?
Homer: Whom shall I ask is calling?
Patty: Marge, please.

Homer: Aah! Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute!
Cashier: That's right. One hundred and twenty dollars gross, less social security, less unemployment insurance, less Santa training, less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. See you next year.

Homer: Now that just leaves little Maggie. Ah, a squeak toy. It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

Homer: I don't wanna leave until our dog finishes.
[they wait five minutes]
Homer: Ah forget it, let's go.

Homer: What are the odds on Santa's Little Helper?
Clerk: 99 to 1.
Homer: Wow! You hear that, Boy? 99 times 13 equals Merry Christmas!

Homer: Did you hear that, Boy? Santa's Little Helper. It's a sign. It's an omen.
Bart: It's a coincidence, Dad.

Boy: And then I want some Robotoids, and a Gook monster, and then I want a great, big...
Homer: [dressed as Santa] Ah, Son, you don't need all that junk. I'm sure you've already got something much more important: A decent home and a loving father who would do anything for you. Hey, I can't afford lunch so give me a bite of that donut.

[Final lines]
All: [singing] Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer / Had a very shiny nose / And if you ever saw it / You might even say it glows...
Bart: Like a lightbulb!
Homer: Bart!
All: All of the other reindeer / Used to laugh and call him names...
Lisa Simpson: Like Schnozzola!
Homer: Lisa!
All: They never let poor Rudolph / Play in any reindeer games...
Bart: Like strip poker!
Homer: I'm warning you two...
Marge: Then one foggy Christmas eve / Santa came to call... Take it, Homey!
Homer: Uh, Rudolph get your nose over here / I'll let you guide my sleigh today!
All: How all the reindeer loved him / As they shouted out with glee / Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer / You'll go down in history!
Bart: Like Atilla the Hu...
[choking noises]
Homer: Why you little!


"The Simpsons: D'oh-in' in the Wind (#10.6)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: Hey, what the heck is your middle name, anyway?
Homer Simpson: You know, I have no idea! Hey, Dad, what does the "J" stand for?
Grampa Simpson: How should I know? It was your mother's job to name you, and love you and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking.

Homer Simpson: But I can't ask Mom, she's on the run from the law!
Grampa Simpson: Serves her right for being a sixties radical! Though she was a demon in the sack!
[giggles]

Seth: You know Homer, your Mom was a pretty groovy chick.
Munchie: And a demon in the sack!
[Seth and Munchie laugh]
Grampa Simpson: Oh, you heard about that, eh?
[laughs]

Grampa Simpson: Hmm... I know where we might find your missing moniker. It's a bit of a drive, but on the way, we can have a nice father-son chat
Homer Simpson: Great! I'll go shoot myself for bringing this up.

Homer Simpson: You may crush our bodies and our ponchos, but you'll never silence our song of protest!
[sings]
Homer Simpson: "Uptown Girl, she's been living in her white-bread world..."

Young Homer: How could you let me turn into YOU?
Homer Simpson: But, but, but, but... the poncho...
Young Homer: [mimicking] "Buh, buh, buh, buh, the poncho!" Hit the road, square!

Homer Simpson: Hi Marge. We're freaking out squares.
Marge Simpson: Oh, Lord...
Homer Simpson: What's in your brand-new bag, momma?
Marge Simpson: Oh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. Forty-eight waist with the balloon seat, right?
Homer Simpson: Marge, not in front of the hippies!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you mind? Your feet are really close to my potato.
Homer Simpson: Your potato? You can't, like, own a potato, man. It's one of Mother Earth's creatures.
[he burps]
Marge Simpson: Homer! Excuse yourself!
Homer Simpson: No way, narc! Bodily functions are a natural thing.
Bart Simpson: Not to mention hilarious.
Marge Simpson: You know, I really don't appreciate being called a narc. And that poncho is filthy! Let me dry-clean it for you.
Homer Simpson: Why do you have to turn everything into one big plastic hassle? Marge, you've got too many hang-ups. Like the whole shaving trip. Come on, I want to see those legs all furry and gross!
Marge Simpson: That ain't gonna happen, bub.
Homer Simpson: Well, at least lose the bra. Free the Springfield Two, Marge! Free the Springfield Two!

Hippie Chick 1: Oh, Homer J., how do you keep your hair so rich and full?
Homer Simpson: Lather, rinse, and repeat. Always repeat.
Hippie Chick 2: Homer J., will you teach us to make love?
[back to reality]
Homer Simpson: Wow. I could have lived like that?

Homer Simpson: Hear ye, hear ye! The intergalactic jester proclaims this conformity factory closed!
[Kids cheer and burst out of the school]
Principal Seymour Skinner: 15 years of loyal service and this is how they tell me? A jester with an invisible proclamation?

Homer Simpson: I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.

Homer Simpson: Have no fear, the Cosmic Fool is here, to blow the lid off your conformist button-down world!

Lisa Simpson: [the Family is at the hospital with Homer having a stem of a flower sticking out of his forehead] Are you gonna remove the flower?
Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.
Homer Simpson: Well, can you at least cut the leaves off so I can watch T.V.?
Dr. Hibbert: [Sternly] What did I just say?

Homer: Never fear. The cosmic fool is here.

[Homer is in a car with hippies Seth and Munchie. Marge is walking down the street]
Homer: Hi Marge. We're freaking out squares.
Marge: Oh, Lord...
Homer: What's in your brand new bag, momma?
Marge: Oh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. Forty-eight waist with the balloon seat, right?
Homer: [panicking] Marge, not in front of the hippies.
[Seth and Munchie laugh]

[Homer has to write his full name on an application form but he doesn't know what his middle initial stands for]
Bart: Uh, so Dad, regarding that form, why not just make up a middle name?
Lisa: You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit.
Homer: No. Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name.


The Simpsons Game (2007) (VG)
Homer Simpson: [while fighting Matt Groening] How dare you name me after your father!

Homer Simpson: [while fighting the Lard Lad statue] Bart! You'll have to fight him! I'm too drunk to!

Homer Simpson: [while fighting the Lard Lad statue] I can't hit him! He's too awesome!

Homer Simpson: [punching the defeated Lard lad statue in the crotch] Take that Lard Crotch!

Matt Groening: It is I, animation's most beloved visonary!
Homer Simpson: Seth McFarlane?

Marge Simpson: Bart! What are you doing next to a video game store?
[gasps]
Marge Simpson: Buying a video game!
[she snatches the game form Bart]
Marge Simpson: This is going to the same place that I put your swimsuit magazines, and BB gun! Homer's underwear drawer.
[she storms off]
Bart Simpson: Oh great, now I've got nothing to play except the games I got yesterday. And I'm totally sick of those!
[the Simpsons Game manual falls on Bart, who picks it up]
Bart Simpson: The Simpsons Game? Hmm... the only Simpsons Game I know is when we pretend Dad isn't an alcoholic. Hey, it's a game about Springfield! With Dad as a character, and Mom, and Lisa... who'd wanna play her?
[gasps]
Bart Simpson: I'm in this game? I wonder what my powers are? Jumping, leaping gliding...
[he turns into Bartman]
Bart Simpson: All right!
Homer Simpson: [appears clutching a gun and a magazine] Hey Bart, look what appeared in my magic drawer. Hey what's with the fruity get-up? If you're planning to come home like that don't bother.

Homer Simpson: It's a nerd!
Will Wright: Not just any nerd. The nerdiest nerd in all the cyberverse!
Lisa Simpson: Dad that's Will Wright. Creator of Sim City and The Sims.
Will Wright: Don't forget my biggest flop: Sim Sandwich Maker. It's failure drove me mad.

Bart Simpson: You've got video game powers on your side. It's sort of like cheating except... cheating.
Homer Simpson: Woohoo! Cheating!

Lisa Simpson: It's the mother ship!
Bart Simpson: This must be the level boss for this part of the game.
Homer Simpson: The boss! Quick act natural.
[puts on business glasses and pretends to write on a clipboard]

Bart Simpson: It's Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Don't bother crying out in terror. In space no one can hear you scream.
Bart Simpson: We're not in space.
Sideshow Bob: Well, we are on a spaceship.
Homer Simpson: Not the same thing.

Marge Simpson: Bart, what are you doing near a video game store?
Marge Simpson: [gasps] Buying a video game?
Marge Simpson: [gasps] I've heard about this. It's the game where you play a meanie-bo-beanie who murders other meanie-bo-beanies.
Marge Simpson: I'm putting this game in the same place I put your swimsuit magazines, and your BB Gun: Homer's Underwear Drawer.
Bart Simpson: [groans] Oh, Great. Now I have nothing to play except the games I bought yesterday. And I'm totally sick of them.
Bart Simpson: [the Simpsons Game manual falls from heaven and lands in front of bart] The Simpsons Game? Hmm... this is so weird.
[picks up manual]
Bart Simpson: The only Simpsons Game I can think of is the one where we all pretend dad isn't an alcoholic. What could it be?
Bart Simpson: Wait a second, this is a manual for a video game set in springfield!
[gasp]
Bart Simpson: And dad is a character! And so is mom. And lisa... who'd wanna play her? Whoa, I'm in this game! I wonder what my moves are, jumping, floating, oh man I gotta try this!
Bart Simpson: [turns into bart man with heroic pose and wind blowing behind him] Wow, this is the only good book ever written!
Homer Simpson: Hey boy, look what appeared in my magic drawer. Hey, what's with the fruity get-up? If you're planning on coming home like that don't bother.
Bart Simpson: Dad, I'm a superhero now and I have all these awesome powers.
Homer Simpson: Superpowers, huh? Well that's cool I guess. I was gonna go shoot bats while reading swimsuit magazines in this cave. Wanna come with?
[Homer removes lid from manhole, Homer and Bart jump in]

[a panel on a game cartridge opens up, revealing the Simpsons family from the very first Simpsons game ever made]
Homer Simpson: Wow. We look so pixely.
Bart Simpson: And poorly rendered.
Marge Simpson: Which one is supposed to be me?

[when Will Wright threatens to destroy the original Simpsons game]
Homer Simpson: [yells] You can't do this!
Will Wright: Of course I can! I'm Will Wright, bitch!

[when Bart kills an alien]
Homer Simpson: Way to go, fruit of my loom!

[when Bart kills an alien]
Homer Simpson: Atta boy! Kill things that are different!

Lisa Simpson: If our life's a video game, then this must be the game engine.
Homer Simpson: I'm not a video game character. I'm a real person with feelings and dreams and...
[accidentally walks off a the edge and falls only to reappear next to them again]
Homer Simpson: Okay I'm a video game thingie.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Vigilante (#5.11)" (1994)
Homer: So I said, "Look buddy, your car was upside-down when I got here. And as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that."

Homer Simpson: Never ever stop in the middle of a hoe-down.

Homer Simpson: It's time to clean up this town!
Seymour Skinner: Meaning what, exactly?
Homer Simpson: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.

Lisa Simpson: Dad! There was a burglar, and he took my saxophone!
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
Bart Simpson: And our portable TV!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Marge Simpson: He also took my pearl necklace.
Homer Simpson: Eh, that's no big loss.
Marge Simpson: Homer, that neckless was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom!
Homer Simpson: You've probably got a whole drawer full of those things.
Marge Simpson: [Opens a drawer, pulls out a ball made of identical necklaces, removes one from the ball and puts it on] Well, yes I do. But they're all heirlooms too.

Homer: [reading the newspaper] Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk.

Homer Simpson: Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-ball, Skinner can be Eight-ball, Barney will be Twelve-ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-ball.
Moe Szyslak: You're an idiot.

Malloy: Homer, old chap, well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you.
Homer Simpson: Actually, it wasn't me, it was my dad, Grampa.
Abe Simpson: Thanks, Son. So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him! Ah ha ha ha...
Moe Szyslak: Shut up.
Abe Simpson: [meekly] I've had my moment.

Homer Simpson: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
Seymour Skinner: How ironic.

Seymour Skinner: Any sign of the burglar yet?
Homer Simpson: He'll show.
Seymour Skinner: How's that?
Homer Simpson: It's his job.
Seymour Skinner: How's that?
Homer Simpson: He's a burglar.
[they nod at one another as the theme music from "Dragnet" plays]

Marge Simpson: Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat Burglar?
Lisa Simpson: And I still don't have my saxophone.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back. But we've also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination...
Lisa Simpson: World domination?
Homer Simpson: Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo.
[thinks]
Homer Simpson: Mental note: the girl knows too much.

Homer Simpson: All right: these are our new family security rules. Be home before dark, and make sure you're not followed. Lock all doors and windows.
Marge Simpson: And don't take candy from strangers.
Homer Simpson: Marge, they're only human!

Homer Simpson: Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-Ball, Skinner can be Eight-Ball, Barney will be Twelve-Ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-Ball.
Moe Szyslak: You're an idiot.

Jimbo Jones: Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?
Homer Simpson: I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?
Jimbo Jones: Can I!
Homer Simpson: You're in. Here's the sack!
Moe Szyslak: But you gotta supply your own knobs!

Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?
Homer Simpson: Aw, you can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.
Kent Brockman: I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
Homer Simpson: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
Kent Brockman: [pause] Well, touché.

[forming a vigilante group]
Homer: All right, I'll be Cue Ball. Barney can be Eight Ball, Lenny will be Twelve Ball, and Moe, you'll be Cue Ball.
Moe: You're an idiot.


"The Simpsons: The Regina Monologues (#15.4)" (2003)
Tony Blair: [Tony Blair has met the Simpsons at the airport. Lisa asks him to give them a personal tour of his country] I'd love to, but I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at gate 23. Cheereo!
[He flys away on a jet pack]
Homer: Wow! I can't belive we met Mr. Bean!

Tony Blair: Hello, welcome to the United Kingdom.
Homer Simpson: Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone?
Tony Blair: No. But thank you.

Ian McKellen: Please, take these free tickets to my play!
Homer: What? What play?
Ian McKellen: We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
Homer: You mean 'MacBeth'?
[a car splashes Ian McKellen]
Ian McKellen: Quiet, you plundering fool! You'll curse us all!
Homer: What, by saying 'MacBeth'?
[an anvil falls on Ian McKellen's foot]
Ian McKellen: OW! Stop saying it!
Homer: Saying what?
Ian McKellen: 'MACBETH'! Oh, now I've said it.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Bart Simpson: This is cool! 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning each time Bart says 'MacBeth']
Marge Simpson: Bart, stop saying 'MacBeth'!
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, you said 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Homer: Mr. 'MacBeth', I'm really sorry.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Ian McKellen: That's quite alright. You didn't know.

Homer: Homer: Milord, we Americans love queens, be they homecoming or dairy. This woman, however, is an imposter! Her luggage is inscribed H.R.H. which means her real name must be Henrietta R. Hippo

Homer Simpson: Well Marge, you gotta admit, I've been on my best behaviour this trip.
Marge Simpson: You punched out three people on the street.
Homer Simpson: That was over soccer results. Can you believe they gave Giggs a yellowcard in the box?
Marge Simpson: Do you understand any part of what you just said?
Homer Simpson: I understood the word 'gave'... unless it means something else in this country!

Homer Simpson: Oh Marge, I am so sorry. I should have listened to whatever it was you were saying.
Marge Simpson: It's partly my fault. I've been nagging you so much on this trip; you couldn't know which nags to focus on!

Homer Simpson: Well Marge, if I die in here there's one thing I want you to remember. Don't buy any videotapes in England. They won't work with our VCR!

Homer Simpson: America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!

Homer Simpson: That's it! I'm acting the way America acts best: unilaterally!

Homer Simpson: We're big shot tourists from everyone's favourite country, the USA. We saved your ass in Vietnam and shared our prostitutes with Hugh Grant, so give me some free maps and none of that dry British wit.

Homer Simpson: Marge I'll be on my best behaviour. You have my word as a gentlemen and a lady. Now let's see, which rifle should I bring?

Homer Simpson: I've been jailed on six continents. All I have to do is kill a penguin.

Edwina: Please, take these free tickets to my play!
Homer: What? What play?
Edwina: We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
Homer: You mean 'MacBeth'?
[a car splashes Ian McKellen]
Edwina: Quiet, you plundering fool! You'll curse us all!
Homer: What, by saying 'MacBeth'?
[an anvil falls on Ian McKellen's foot]
Edwina: OW! Stop saying it!
Homer: Saying what?
Edwina: 'MACBETH'! Oh, now I've said it.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Bart Simpson: This is cool! 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning each time Bart says 'MacBeth']
Ian McKellen: Bart, stop saying 'MacBeth'!
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, you said 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Homer: Mr. 'MacBeth', I'm really sorry.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Edwina: That's quite alright. You didn't know.

Homer: Milord, we Americans love queens, be they homecoming or dairy. This woman, however, is an imposter! Her luggage is inscribed H.R.H. which means her real name must be Henrietta R. Hippo

Homer Simpson: Good luck!
Ian McKellen: That's bad luck too!


"The Simpsons: And Maggie Makes Three (#6.13)" (1995)
Homer: So many memories... Ah, look, "Night Boat"
Bart: Aw...
Bart: Look, you can see our mirror to it.
Homer: It looks like we have two.

Homer: Thanks for giving me my job back, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.
Waylon Smithers: Uh, sir, that's the "plaque."
Mr. Burns: Ah, yes, the special de-motivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. For you see, you're here... forever.
[Smithers screws the plaque to the wall]
Mr. Burns: [reading] "Don't Forget - You're Here Forever."

Hans Gruber: Attention, American workers. Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists.
Homer: Not on MY shift.

Homer: Hey, what's this? It looks like you're "showering" Marge with gifts. With tiny, little, baby-sized gifts... oh, well, I'll be in the tub.
Maude Flanders: Oh, by the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
Homer: New job... MARGE IS PREGNANT?
[pulls out the few remaining hairs on his head]
Homer: NOOOOOOO!
[He runs upstairs, shrieking hysterically]

Bart: Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl?
Homer: Oh, just that one time.
Marge Simpson: Actually, when I was about to have Bart...
[cut to Marge telling Homer]
Homer: You're pregnant?
[shrieks, points at Marge's stomach, rips out most of his hair, and runs up to the bedroom, still shreiking]
Marge Simpson: And then, when I told him about Lisa...
[cut to Marge telling Homer with Bart watching]
Homer: You're pregnant again?
[repeats the act, except ripping all of his hair out before running upstairs]

Homer: Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya!
[He lets out a scream as his head swells like a balloon and then pops. Cut to the present]
Marge Simpson: Bart, let your father tell the story!
Homer: Yeah!
Bart: Okay, but I know funny.

[Homer is trying to think of a way to increase business at the bowling alley]
Homer: Of course!
[Cut to outside the bowling alley, Homer is firing a shotgun into the air while people around him run away, screaming]
Homer: Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!
Lisa Simpson: [in the present] Mom, make Dad tell the story right!
Marge Simpson: That's what really happened.
Lisa Simpson: Oh.

[while Marge is in labor, Homer can only be depressed about the financial costs and having to take back his job at the nuclear plant]
Homer: [feigning happiness] It's wonderful, it's magical, oh boy, here it comes, another mouth.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: One more push ought to do it.
Homer: Marvelous.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson. You have a beautiful, healthy, baby.
Homer: Okay.
[He half-heartedly raises a thumbs-up - and Maggie wraps her tiny hand around his thumb]
Homer: Huh?
[He looks at her]
Marge Simpson: Homie, she's saying hello.
Homer: [gazing adoringly at Maggie] Hello!

[as Maggie is born]
Homer: Aw, it's a boy... and what a boy!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Uh, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.

[Homer returns to the flashback after interrupting Bart's humorous re-telling; a headless Homer is moaning at Marge]
Homer: Oh, we're doomed!
Marge Simpson: [voice-over] Homer, you had a head.
Homer: [voice-over] Check.
[in the flashback, Homer's head pops back]

[when Homer asks for his job back, he is pointed to a doggie-sized door marked "Supplicants." He emerges in Burns' office on all fours, dusty and coughing]
Mr. Burns: So... come crawling back, eh?
Homer: Seems like the classy thing to do would be not to call attention to it.

Homer: [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever.
[brief pause]
Homer: Thy bidding will be done.
[munch munch munch]

[Homer has laid eyes on Maggie for the first time]
Homer: Aww, it's a boy.
[looking down]
Homer: And *what* a boy!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Ah, no. That's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.

Michael: Faster, Knight Boat! We've gotta catch those starfish poachers!
Knight Boat: You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you.
[the poachers leap off their jetskis and onto motorcycles]
Michael: We'll never catch them now!
Knight Boat: Incorrect. Look: a canal.
Homer: Go, Knight Boat, go!
Bart: [groans] Oh, every week there's a canal.
Lisa Simpson: Or an inlet.
Bart: Or a fjord.
Homer: Quiet! I will not hear another word against the Boat.

[Marge and the kids say "eww" as Homer mimes sperm impregnating an egg]
Marge Simpson: Do you have to be so graphic?
Homer: Relax, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

[Bart tells Homer that he believes Homer's alien story]
Bart Simpson: You seem so damn sure.
Homer Simpson: Thanks, son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing?
Bart Simpson: Hell, yes.

Homer: [Using a trick he learned watching "Speed"] I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

[Homer sees a billboard that says 'DIE']
Homer: Yaaaaaaaah!
[the wind blows away the tree that covered the last letter of the billboard, saying now 'DIET']
Homer: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Homer: I don't see any shirts saying Homer is a dope.
Sarcastic worker: They sold out ten minutes ago.
Homer: I'll take one.

Scully: Now we're gonna run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes.
[lie detector explodes]

Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

Homer: I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or about to lie, or just finished lying, but NOT WHEN I'M TELLING THE TRUTH.

Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!
Bart Simpson: What if we don't?
Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the FOX network.
Bart Simpson: They'll buy anything.
Homer: Now, Bart, they do a lot of quality programming too.
[Both burst out laughing]
Homer: I kill me.

Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.

Chief Wiggum: Your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, um, Simpson. Let me just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
Homer: Fine. You don't have to humiliate me.
[leaves, a man enters carrying a blowtorch]
Man: I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again.
Chief Wiggum: Right. Let me just type that up on my invisible typewriter.

Homer: I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?

Marge Simpson: Have you been drinking?
Homer: No! Well, ten beers.

Bart: Hey, dad. What's the word with planet crackpot?
Homer: I suppose you're going to mock me, too.
Bart: Actually, dad, I believe you.
Homer: You do?
Bart: Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure.
Homer: Thank you, son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing?
Bart: Hell yes.

Bart Simpson: Hey dad, can I have a sip of your beer?
Homer Simpson: Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.


"The Simpsons: Trash of the Titans (#9.22)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Good news, everyone! I got in a fight with the garbage men and they're cutting off our service!
Marge Simpson: Oh, lord, now what are we going to do? Just let the trash pile up?
Homer Simpson: Hey, I'd rather live in a dump than in a world run by snooty garbage men.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?
Homer Simpson: I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Marge Simpson: Homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile attacked me again.
Homer Simpson: That's not the way she tells it.

Marge Simpson: Homer, this has gone far enough. Will you please just apologize to the garbage men?
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, Dad. You're always telling me and Bart to apologize.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, but I'm always secretly disappointed when you do. Anyway, I think those garbage men are starting to crack.
Bart Simpson: I think you're starting to crack.
Homer Simpson: Apologize for that remark!
Bart Simpson: No way!
Homer Simpson: Atta-boy!

Bart Simpson: [over loud speaker] Hey everybody, vote for my dad, Homer Simpson. If you don't he'll beat us.
Homer Simpson: [over loud speaker] Why you little... er... No one's gonna beat you, son.
[under his breath, but still audible]
Homer Simpson: You're gonna get such a beating!

Homer Simpson: Hey Ray, cleaning out the old office, eh?
Ray Patterson: If I hadn't already packed my letter opener, I'd give you such a stabbing!

Costingtons Manager: Okay, people, we need to cook up a new holiday for the summer. Something with gifts, cards, assorted gougeables.
Costingtons Woman: How about something religious? We had great penetration last spring with Christmas Two.
Costingtons Man: Oh, I know. Spendover, like Passover, less talk, more presents.
[Everyone starts talking at once]
Costingtons Manager: No, no, no! No, it's gotta be warm and fuzzy. Some like, um, "Love Day", but not so lame.
[cut to the Simpsons home several days later]
Marge Simpson: Happy Love Day, everyone!
Lisa Simpson: Come on, Mom, The stores just invented this holiday to make money.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day.

TV Editing Woman: Okay. Camera two.
[Homer starts pushing buttons]
TV Editing Woman: Uh, excuse me. This is a restricted area.
Homer Simpson: Take a hike, Kojak!
[pushes her away]

Homer Simpson: [Trips over the rubbish bin] D'oh!
Marge Simpson: [Calling from upstairs] I heard that! You know the rule!
Homer Simpson: Oh, but I can rebuild.

Ned Flanders: [Tiptoeing over the Simpsons' rubbish pile] Easy, Ned. Don't Breath in.
[Some rubbish falls on his head]
Ned Flanders: Ow!
Homer Simpson: Sorry, Ned. I didn't see you down there.
Homer Simpson: [to Bart] Got him.
Ned Flanders: Uh, listen, Homer, I hate to be a Fussy Freddy and all, but Maude's folks are here, and they're a tad touchy about oders.
Homer Simpson: Then you might want to close your windows before the sun hits Diaper Hill.
Rod Flanders: [standing on top of a huge pile of used diapers] Look, Daddy. I'm the king of the mountain!
Ned Flanders: Rod, get off of there!

Ray Patterson: Here's your apology back, Mr Simpson, and I'm sorry we couldn't work this out.
Homer Simpson: Don't come off all high and mighty with me, Patterson. You can't scare me with your office and your desk and your lamp.
Ray Patterson: I'm not trying to scare you, I'm trying to get my work done.
Homer Simpson: Oh, oh, oh, I get it. Put on a big show for the cameras.
Ray Patterson: What cameras? Why are you still here?
Homer Simpson: I came to fight city hall. I want to shake things up, Patterson. Stir up some controversy, rattle a few cages.
[Homer rattles a bird cage]
Ray Patterson: Hey! Stop that!
Homer Simpson: You'll never silence me. I'm the last angry man, Patterson. A crusader for the little guy!
[Homer rattles the bird cage again]
Ray Patterson: Leave the bird alone!
Homer Simpson: Never!
Ray Patterson: Look, Simpson, I've been elected by the voters of this city 16 years in a row. So they must think I'm doing a damn good job.
Homer Simpson: You wanna know what I think?
Ray Patterson: No! Nobody wants to hear the nonsensical ravings of a loudmouthed malcontent!
Homer Simpson: Oh! Well, we'll see about that!

Homer Simpson: [Pushes in front of a queue] I wanna register to run for sanitation commissioner. And tell the fat cats upstairs things are gonna change in this town.
Clerk: Okay, but this is where you register as a sex offender.
Moe: [Arriving at the back of the queue] Oh, jeez, there's always a line.

Homer Simpson: [At a town meeting] I'm sorry my opponent didn't think enough of you to show up for this debate. I'm sure he had more important things to do.
[Homer imitates Patterson drinking, everyone laughs]

Homer: It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won.
[Lisa sighs]
Lisa's Brain: I know, I heard it too. Here's some music.
[Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly]

Townspeople: Aye!
Mayor Quimby: And all those against horsewhipping Homer J. Simpson?
Homer: Nay?


"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
Dr. Hibbert: Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I'm more concerned about your gravy level.
Homer Simpson: Now, wait a second. You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day!
Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] Well, you're a little confused.
Homer Simpson: Oh, confused, would we?

Homer Simpson: Hey, Flanders, you're the worst coach this team has ever had!
Marge Simpson: He's the only coach this team has ever had. And the season hasn't even started yet.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, well, he's... wearing that hat like an idiot.
Marge Simpson: You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize.
Homer Simpson: Fun too.

Homer Simpson: Good practice, kids. Now it's time for the easiest part of any coach's job. The cuts. Although I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janey, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle
[Steven smiles]
Homer Simpson: . That's why it was so hard to cut you
[Steven's smile drops]
Homer Simpson: . Congratulations, the rest of you made the team!
[random sighs of relief]
Homer Simpson: Except you, you and you.

Marge Simpson: Wow, Homer coaching in the championship game! You must be pretty proud of your son!
Grampa Simpson: You'd think so, wouldn't you?
[falls asleep]

Ned Flanders: Good luck, Homer. No hard feelings!
Homer Simpson: Not so easy to keep your mouth shut now, is it, Flanders?

Homer Simpson: My father never believed in me! I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad.

Marge Simpson: You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize.
Homer Simpson: Fun, too.

Bart Simpson: I got bad news for you, Dad.
Homer Simpson: Oh, your mother is not pregnant, is she?

Homer Simpson: Hey, Apu, you got that new beer with candy floating in it... Skittlebrau?
Apu: No such product exists sir. You must have dreamt it.
Homer Simpson: Well then, just gimme a six pack and a bag of Skittles.

Homer: Hello, Son. I wanna apologize. I got so caught up in trying to encourage you, that I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you come back and play for the team, I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Homer Simpson: Good practice, kids. Now its time for the easiest part of any coach's job. The cuts. Although I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janey, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle
[Steven smiles]
Homer Simpson: . That's why it was so hard to cut you
[Steven's smile drops]
Homer Simpson: . Congratulations, the rest of you made the team!
[random sighs of relief]
Homer Simpson: Except you, you and you.

Homer: Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Homer Simpson: [Cat Calling] Flaaaaanders! Flaaaaaaanders!
Ned Flanders: [Agitated] What, what is it?
Homer Simpson: Game's out there, ha ha ha made ya look!


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Sax (#9.3)" (1997)
Man in "Twin Peaks": That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks. And damn good cherry pie.
[on TV we see The Giant dancing with a white horse, as a traffic light hangs from a nearby tree]
Homer Simpson: Brilliant.
[chuckles]
Homer Simpson: I have absolutley no idea what's going on.
Marge Simpson: Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did!
[presents Homer with a very morbid drawing]
Homer Simpson: [faking excitement, watching TV] Oh, it's beautiful! Oh, oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge!
Marge Simpson: Homer, stop. Will you please look at the drawing?
Homer Simpson: Oh, all right. What...
[looks at drawing]
Homer Simpson: ...AAAH! Burn it! Send it to hell!
Marge Simpson: I think we're going to have to get Bart some help.
Homer Simpson: [cringing] Get it away!

Homer Simpson: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass on the words of advice my father gave me.
Grampa Simpson: [in Homer's mind, as he remembers] Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly! If a strange man offers you a ride, I say, take it!
Homer Simpson: Lousy traumatic childhood!

[to the tune of the "All in the Family" theme song]
Homer Simpson: Bart was feeling mighty blue,
Marge Simpson: It's asham what school can do,
Apu: For no reason here's Apu,
Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Apu: Those were the days!

Homer Simpson: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played...
Marge: Movies John Travolta made...
Homer Simpson: Guessing how much Elvis weighed...
Homer Simpson, Marge: Those were the days!
Marge: And you knew where you were then...
Homer Simpson: Watching shows like Gentle Ben...
Homer Simpson, Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!
Homer Simpson: Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac...
Marge: Coming out of my eight-track...
Homer Simpson, Marge: Michael Jackson still was black... those were the days!
[later on in episode]
Homer Simpson: Bart was feeling might blue...
Marge: It's a shame what school can do...
Apu: For no reason here's Apu!
Homer Simpson, Marge, Apu: Those were the days!

Homer Simpson: Bart son, do you want to play catch?
Bart Simpson: No.
Homer Simpson: Oh, when a boy doesn't wanna play catch with his old man, something is seriously wrong.
Grampa Simpson: I'll play catch with you, son.
Homer Simpson: Get the hell out!
Grampa Simpson: I'm gone.

Marge: There must be something we can do to encourage Lisa's gift. An art class. Ballet lessons. They have fun things to do at the museum on Saturday.
Homer: Whoa, whoa, Marge. I'm not spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless... museums don't have foosball do they?
[in Homer's mind, he's playing against the Statue of David and wins]
Homer: You lose, Michaelangelo's David! Who's next?
The Scream: [Edvard Munch's The Scream runs out] MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Homer Simpson: Our family was suffering its worst crisis ever. Bart was miserable at school, and Lisa's gifts were going to waste.
Bart Simpson: Uh, Homer, its five years later and I'm still miserable at school.
Lisa Simpson: And my gifts are still going to waste!
Marge Simpson: And sometimes I just feel so smothered by this family I just want to scream till my lungs explode!

Music Store Clerk: Would you like an inscription, sir?
Homer Simpson: Yes. To Lisa, never forget that your daddy loves -
[accidentally drops the saxophone]
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Homer Simpson: [in the present] And that inscription is still here today!
[inscription of flattened saxophone says, "To Lisa, never forget that your daddy loves d'oh!"]

Homer Simpson: Oh, my father gave me beer as a child.'Til wrapped my little red wagon around a tree.
Barney Gumble: [Flashback to Homer and Barney as boys] Let's never drink again.
Homer Simpson: [Flashback to the present, Homer has a Duff beer in his hand] And we never did.
[Drinks it]

Marge Simpson: And so, just as things looked their worst...
Grampa Simpson: I realized I could make money selling my medication to dead-heads!
Marge Simpson: Grandpa, what are you talking about?
Grampa Simpson: Ohh... nothing.

Marge Simpson: Well, Grandpa, as long as you're here, we were telling a story that took place when Bart was five, and Lisa was three.
Grampa Simpson: Oh, I know this story! The year was nineteen-ought-six. The President is the divine Miss Sarah Burnheart. And all over America, people were doin' a dance called the "Funky Grandpa"!
[sings]
Grampa Simpson: Oh... I'm... the...
[falls asleep standing up]

Marge: You know, Homer, there's $200 in the air conditioning account.
Homer: Oh Marge! Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig?
Bart: Not to mention eating like a pig and dressing like a pig.
Apu: Don't forget the smell.
Homer: Will you get off of my lawn?
Apu: Why don't you make me?
Homer: Why, you...! Oh, forget it.

Homer: Hey boy. Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grampa: I'll play catch with you.
Homer: Go home.


"The Simpsons: Mom and Pop Art (#10.19)" (1999)
Astrid Weller: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee.

Homer: Alright, let's see. Ew, English side ruined. Must use French instructions. Le Grill? What the hell is that?

Homer: Why? Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?

Homer: Astrid said the key to my art is anger, but you know me, I'm Mr. Mellow...
[Bart and Lisa look at each other]
Homer: ...so I'm giving you kids permission to get me mad. Come on, give me what you've got.
Lisa Simpson: Well, if it'll help... um, mom found out her engagement ring is made of rock candy.
Homer: [hits clay mold] Good work honey, keep it comin.'
Bart Simpson: Well I'm flunking math, and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.
[Homer screams hysterically]

Homer: How about it Bart, would you like a new backyard BBQ pit?
Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer: We can *all* burn evidence in it.

[Homer floods the town as an art project]
Bart Simpson: Are you sure this is art, not vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide, son.

Bart: Dad, is this art or is it vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide.

Homer: English side ruined, must use French side... LE GRILLE? what the hell is that?

Homer: [lying in a hammock, sings] You put the beer in the coconut and drink it all up, you put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away.
[the can hits Flanders on the head]
Ned Flanders: Homer.
Homer: [sings] You throw the can away.
[Another can hits Ned]
Ned Flanders: I said, Homer.

Homer: [singing] I'm shavin' my shoulders.

Homer: Not my fault. Act of god.

Marge Simpson: Homie, I'm really happy you sold your sculpture, but don't you think it may have been a fluke?
Homer: Hey, I've always had an interest in art, dating back to my schoolgirl days when I pained portrait after portrait of Ringo Starr.
Marge Simpson: That's my life you're describing!
Homer: I think I remember my own life, Marge.


"The Simpsons: You Only Move Twice (#8.2)" (1996)
Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France?
Homer: France.
[Scorpio adjusts a giant laser cannon pointing towards the sky]
Hank Scorpio: Heh heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy...

[Homer's family wants to move back to Springfield, but he likes his new job at Globex]
Homer: We've got it great here. And for the first time in my life I'm actually good at my job. My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions.

Homer: [gasps] Tom Landry's hat, and it's autographed. "To Berman's Dry Cleaning. Best wishes, Tom Landry."
Bart: Why don't you buy it?
Homer: I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that.
[gasps]
Homer: Guys like me! I'm a guy like me!

Hank Scorpio: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hank Scorpio: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank Scorpio: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank Scorpio: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district!
Hank Scorpio: That's right.

Hank Scorpio: Back to the hammocks, my friend. You know, there's a little place called Mary Ann's Hammocks. The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you.
[laughs]
Hank Scorpio: I'm just kidding.
Homer: Oh.
Hank Scorpio: You know who invented the hammock, Homer?
Homer: No.
Hank Scorpio: There's something for you to do: find that out.

Homer: Uh... you have any sugar around here?
Hank Scorpio: Sugar? Sure.
[takes two handfuls of sugar out of his pockets]
Hank Scorpio: There you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream?
[reaches back into his pockets]
Homer: Uh... I... no.

Hank Scorpio: Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet; there's a pair for you. Don't like them? Then neither do I!
[throws them out the door]
Hank Scorpio: Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say good-bye to a shoe?
Homer: [chuckles] Yes, once.

Ned Flanders: Uh, huh-huh... Homer, ah... About those things you borrowed from me over the years, you know, the TV trays, the power sander, the downstairs bathtub... You gonna be... needing those things in Cypress Creek?
Homer: Yes.
Ned Flanders: Oh. Uh...
Homer: [coaches Flanders] Okily dokily...
Ned Flanders: Okily dokily!

Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels!
[runs off]
Homer: Thank you. Come again!

Hank Scorpio: [It's Homer's first day at his new job and his Boss, Scorpio, is showing him around] You will notice, my new best friend, that we are very casual around here.
Homer: Yes Mr.Scorpion, very casual.
Hank Scorpio: Don't call me Mr.Scorpion. It's Mr.Scorpi*o*, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank!

Hank Scorpio: [Hank has just introduced Homer to the staff he will be managing] Give 'em the benefit of your years of experience.
Homer: Don't worry, that won't take long!

Hank Scorpio: The key to motivation is trust. Let me show you what I mean. I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and then I'll catch you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready?
Homer: Gotcha!
[Homer closes his eyes and prepares to fall backwards. Hank holds out his hands, ready to catch Homer]
Hank Scorpio: Three... Two...
[nearby phone rings]
Hank Scorpio: One second.
[Homer falls backwards as Hank picks up the phone. Naturally, Homer falls straight to the ground with a loud thud]
Hank Scorpio: [to the guy on the phone] Oh my god, guy's on the floor!
[to Homer]
Hank Scorpio: That was a phone call! Don't chalk that up to mistrust, now.


"The Simpsons: Love Is a Many Strangled Thing (#22.17)" (2011)
Marge Simpson: Homer, the game is right here.
[points to football field inside stadium]
Homer Simpson: [chuckles] Oh, that's right! I hope you kids are enjoying yourselves today, because you and your children will be paying for this place long after the team moves to another city.

Marge Simpson: You've destroyed our son's self-esteem.
Homer Simpson: Well, it was your idea to give him self-esteem in the first place.

Dr. Zander: Homer, to emphasize the seriousness of this situation, I'm going to turn my chair around backwards.
Homer Simpson: [screams]

Grampa Simpson: Aw. My son's first stroke.

Edna Krabappel: Bart Simpson. What would your father say if he knew what you were doing?
Bart Simpson: He'd say, "I'm a grown man who's scared of my son."
Edna Krabappel: I find that hard to believe.
Bart Simpson: Oh yeah? Look.
[points to Homer]
Homer Simpson: [writing "I'm a grown man who's afraid of his own son" on chalkboard] How many more, sir?
Bart Simpson: Fill the board, then wash my car.
[Tosses set of keys at Homer]
Homer Simpson: But these are my keys!
Bart Simpson: What was that?
Homer Simpson: My keys... ter is ready for another whooping, sir.

Homer Simpson: How could two people from the same family need therapy?

Homer Simpson: But I don't want to go to parenting class. All the other neglectful parents will make fun of me. They're so cliquey.
Marge Simpson: You'll be all right. You always are.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I miss my friends from drunk driving class. They were so cool.

Dr. Zander: Wait a minute! You strangle your own son?
Homer Simpson: Yeah, strangling. I'ts not the only tool in my parenting arsenal, but it's the sharpest.

Homer Simpson: Doctor, you made me see my life of through Bart's neck.
Dr. Zander: Homer, you've made a lot of progress. I'm sure with a few years of biweekly sessions, I'm sure...
Homer Simpson: Uh, I lied about having health insurance.
Dr. Zander: And you're cured.

Mr. Burns: Simpson, you saved my life. Anything you want, just mention it.
Homer Simpson: All your money and all your stuff.
Mr. Burns: Lower and likelier.
Homer Simpson: Super Bowl tickets? Playoff tickets? Regular season tickets on Bobblehead day?
Mr. Burns: No-head day!

Dr. Zander: You're serious? You mean you lay your hands on your son's neck?
Homer Simpson: Yeah. I guess it's the way I was brought up.
[Flashback to Homer as a boy]
Grampa Simpson: Homer, your grades are a disgrace. No more TV for a month.
Homer Simpson: Why you little...
[Strangles Grampa]

Homer Simpson: I couldn't quit drinking any more than I could quit being a man.
[Pours from a flask into his orange juice and drinks it]
Homer Simpson: Ah, now it feels like morning.


"The Simpsons: Homie the Clown (#6.15)" (1995)
[gunshot, Flanders is knocked down]
Ned Flanders: Whew, good thing I always keep a Bible next to my...
[second gunshot, Flanders is knocked down again]
Ned Flanders: Whew, luckily I was wearing an extra large piece of the True Cross today. I think I'll go inside.
[as he runs off, a third gunshot spins the head of Homer's pickaxe]
Homer: What keeps doing that?
Fat Tony: I told you we should have bought more than three bullets.

[hallucinates that the other Simpsons are clowns]
Homer: Marge?
Marge Simpson: Yes, Homie?
[starts humming the "Barnum and Bailey Circus" theme]
Homer: [no longer from his viewpoint] That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
[leaves]
Bart Simpson: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

Homer: When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown. I tell you, it's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.

Homer: But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson.
Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble.
Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
Homer: Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... Joe Valachi!
Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?
Homer: Benedict Arnold!
Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
Homer: D'oh!

Homer: Hehehe... Clowns are funny.

Homer: Aw, being a clown sucks! You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business!

Homer: Clown College? You can't eat that.

Krusty the Clown: Tell me where you're from.
Clown Student 1#: Georgia.
Clown Student 2#: Texas.
Clown Student 3#: Uh... Brooklyn.
Clown Student 4#: Russia.
Clown Student 5#: New Hampshire.
Homer: Homer.

Homer: Hey, it's the first day of the month. New billboard day.
[drives by, reads first billboard]
Homer: "This year, give her English muffins". Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard.

Dick Cavett: Let's walk and talk. I, uh, I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way.
Homer: Er, can't, I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo.
Dick Cavett: Hey, me too. We can go together.
Homer: Um... no, I'm going a different way than you, Dick.
Dick Cavett: Heh heh, your churlish attitude reminds me of a time I was having dinner with Groucho and...
Homer: [grabbing him by the collar] Look, you're going to be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it.

Krusty the Clown: Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong!
[throws pie into dowager's face; her head cracks the wall]
Homer: [taking notes] Kill, Wealthy, Dowager.

Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III (#4.5)" (1992)
Shopkeeper: [Homer has agreed to purchase a Krusty doll for Bart's birthday] Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Ooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt!
Homer: That's good.
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings.
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled]
Shopkeeper: ...That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Homer: [singing] My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R.

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "chicken"?
Homer: No. I swear on this Bible.
Marge: That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Ooh... fuzzy.

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Lisa, Bart: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Homer: [cocks a shotgun] To the book depository!

Homer Simpson: That doll tried to kill me!
Bart Simpson: I'd say the pressure has finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?

[Flanders, a zombie, approaches Homer]
Ned Flanders: Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a might peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?
[Homer kills Flanders by blasting his head apart with a shotgun]
Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders.
Homer: He was a zombie?

[while fighting zombies]
Barney: Wow, George Washington!
Homer: Take that, Washington!
[BLAM!]
Homer: Eat lead, Einstein!
[BLAM!]
Homer: Show's over, Shakespeare!
[clubs him to the ground]
Zombie Shakespeare: Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?

Homer: [a la Alfred Hitchcock] Good eeevening.
[normal voice]
Homer: I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary. You see, there are some crybabies out there - religious types, mostly - who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your TV now. Come on, I dare you!
[imitates chicken]
Homer: Buck-buck-buck-buck! Chicken!
[screen winks out]

Marge: Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
Bart: Shhh... TV.
Homer: [thud sound on TV] Man fall down... funny.

Marge: Homer! Did you barricade the door?
Homer: Why? Oh, the zombies! No.
[zombies enter]

Homer: Do you sell toys?
Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread... we also sell frozen yogurt, which I call "frogurt"!


"The Simpsons: Homer Goes to College (#5.3)" (1993)
Homer: I am so smart. I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T.

Homer: Guys, I'm sorry I got you expelled.
Benjamin: Don't worry, Mr. Simpson. We can take care of ourselves.
[the nerds take two steps, and Snake jumps out of the bushes]
Snake: Uhh, wallet inspector.
Carl: Okay. Here you go. I believe that's all in order.
[all nerds hand him their wallets]
Snake: Oh, I can't believe that worked!
[runs away]
Homer: Wait a minute. That's not the wallet inspector...

[prank calling Dean Peterson]
Homer: Hello, Dean? You're a stupidhead.
Dean Peterson: Homer, is that you?
[looks out window, sees Homer on a pay phone across the street]
Homer: [looks up, sees the Dean] AAH!
[runs away]

Homer: Raghr! Must destroy mankind!
[watch beeps]
Homer: Ooh, lunchtime.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, don't let these application essays throw you. Let's see: "List your three favorite books and how they've influenced your life".
Homer Simpson: Is "TV Guide" a book?
Lisa Simpson: No.
Homer Simpson: "Son of Sniglet"?
Lisa Simpson: No.
Homer Simpson: Katherine Hepburn's "Me"?
Lisa Simpson: No!
Homer Simpson: Oh, I suck!

Marge Simpson: Homey, here the responses from the colleges you applied to.
Homer Simpson: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Whoo-hoo! A flyer for a hardware store! D'oh!

Bart Simpson: Well, Pop, what are you gonna do?
Homer Simpson: Something I should have done a long time ago!
[long pause]
Marge Simpson: You don't know, do you?
Homer Simpson: No ma'am.

Bart Simpson: Dad, start digging some nerd holes!
Lisa Simpson: It's bad enough they put their retainers in the dishwasher; can't we do something?
Homer Simpson: Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony, right, Marge?
Marge Simpson: No, I want those geeks outta my house!

Homer Simpson: D'oh! The bee bite my bottom! Now, my bottom's big!

Homer: Dean, I'm really sorry about the running-you-over prank.
Dean Peterson: Prank?
Homer: And all those other pranks were my idea, too. *I'm* the one who should be expelled.
Dean Peterson: Well, I'm touched by your honesty. And, who knows, perhaps I've been a bit of an ogre myself.
Homer: Yes you have.

Nuclear Physics Professor: Welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying. Out with the old, in with new-cleus.
[the class laughs]
Nuclear Physics Professor: Now, let's start with... Whoops.
[the professor drops notecards. Homer starts laughing hysterically]
Homer: Oh, do you see that jerk?
[Homer continues laughing]
Homer: He dropped his notes.
[Homer howls with laughter]

[as the nerds move into the Simpson home]
Marge Simpson: Mmm...
Homer: Marge, they don't anywhere else to stay. And they're geniuses! They'll solve all our problems! They'll elevate us to the status of kings on earth!
Benjamin: Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds.
Marge Simpson: Oh, for the love of...!


"The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie (#4.6)" (1992)
Marge: Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!
Homer: *Now* who's being naive?

Grampa: Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth!
Homer: [rolling eyes] Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth," "The nurses are stealing my money," "This thing on my neck is getting bigger."

Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza.
Homer: Oh, no. I'm not making two stops.

Homer: You know, when I was a boy I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.

Homer: Now, what were we talking about, boy?
Bart: Uhhhh... we were talking about the time you beat jury duty.
Homer: Oh, yeah. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home.
Grampa: You already put me in a home.
Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes.
Grampa: [cowering] I'll be good.

Marge: Homer, I'd like to talk to you.
Homer: But then I won't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in.

Homer: [Bart has broken Grandpa's dentures] Young man, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.
Grampa: Oh, this is gonna be sweet.

Homer: Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's. Reading TV Guide, um... Writing to TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide.

Homer: I know my punishment may seem harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
Bart: TV sucks.
Homer: [with restrained anger] I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.

[as punishment for letting Maggie wander off, Homer decrees that Bart can never go to the "Itchy & Scratchy Movie."]
Bart: Dad, you gotta let me see that movie! Can't you just give me a spanking?
[drops his pants, turns around, and bends over]
Bart: Come on, go nuts!
Homer: Don't point that thing at me!

[last lines]
Homer: Which one's the mouse?
Bart: Itchy.
Homer: Itchy's a jerk.
Bart: [chuckles] Yeah.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVII (#18.4)" (2006)
Homer Simpson: [During the panic over the suspected alien-invasion] Burn everything!
Lenny: Hey Homer, we haven't actually seen these aliens.
Homer Simpson: That's alien talk!
[shoots Lenny]

Homer Simpson: If I can keep down Arby's, I can keep down you!

Homer Simpson: Must eat more fat people! Thank God I'm in America!

Homer Simpson: Son. Let me have a lick at you!

Homer Simpson: Must eat... then poop... then eat some more... then eat while pooping.

Homer Simpson: Ooh, a space marshmallow!

Bart Simpson: Dad, you're eating Dr. Phil.
Homer Simpson: It's amazing; he tastes just like Jeffrey Tambor.

Lisa Simpson: [the town just recovered from a "War of the Worlds" radio scare and Homer is too smart to fall for anything ever again] Dad, a flying saucer just blew up that statue.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, it's just a radio show!

Homer Simpson: So, it's a war of the worlds
[He looks out the window into the sky]
Homer Simpson: Good thing we have the sun on our side!

Radio Broadcaster: Astronomers say the ominous capsules originated from Earth's closest neighbor.
Homer Simpson: Flanders?
Radio Broadcaster: Mars!

Radio Broadcaster: We interrupt this dance music from Lamourian Roman Capital City's Fabulous Hotel Hitler to bring you a special bulletin.
Homer Simpson: Hey, I'm not done dancing! This bulletin better swing!

Marge Simpson: Homer, you won't touch my stuffed peppers, but you'll eat our son?
Homer Simpson: Oh, nag, nag, nag.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Heretic (#4.3)" (1992)
[Homer pooh-poohs churchgoing]
Marge: Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...

Homer: Ah, another beautiful day in the womb.

Homer Simpson: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?

Homer: [watching "The Three Stooges" on TV] Moe is their leader.

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "The foolish man who built his house upon the sand."
Homer: [pointing a finger] And you remember
[thinks]
Homer: Matthew... 21:17.
Reverend Lovejoy: [confused] "And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?"
Homer: Yeah. Think about it.

Marge: I have a responsibility to raise these children right and, unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked.
Homer: [to Lisa and Bart] Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was...
[thinks]
Homer: I forget. But the point is...
[thinks]
Homer: I forget that, too.
[to Marge]
Homer: Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car.

Homer: [dozing while the fire spreads] Marge, turn down the heat?
[pause, nothing happens]
Homer: That's better!

Homer: Lord, I have to ask you something: What's the meaning of life?
God: Oh Homer, I can't tell you that! You'll find out when you die.
Homer: But I can't wait that long!
God: You can't wait six months?

[doorbell rings; Homer answers the door to Krusty]
Krusty the Clown: Hello, I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of seventy-five Jewish clowns. The worst incident was outside our convention in Lubbock, Texas.
[choking up]
Krusty the Clown: There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere!
[sobs]
Krusty the Clown: It was terrible...!
Homer: Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing?
Krusty the Clown: A religious clown thing, yes.
Homer: Sorry.
Krusty the Clown: Well, bless you anyw...
[Homer shuts the door on him]

Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.

Homer: I'm sorry. I can't come in today. Religious holiday. The feast of... Maximum Occupancy.

Homer: What's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday?... and what if we've picked the wrong religion? Every week we're just making god madder and madder.


"The Simpsons: King Size Homer (#7.7)" (1995)
Homer Simpson: [takes cap out of dryer and puts it on his head] Mmmmm... I CAN feel three types of softness.
Lisa Simpson: [from upstairs] Dad, what are you doing down there?
Homer Simpson: Washing my fat guy's hat, honey!

Mr. Burns: [Trying to get a 300-lb. Homer to do sit-ups to lose weight] One... one... one! Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction!
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!

[trying to get out of work]
Homer: Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this?
Carl: He's at home on disability.
Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they just sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity.
Homer: Stupidity, eh?

Homer: Hello there, Miss Doesn't-find-me-sexually-attractive-anymore. I just tripled my productivity.
Marge: Good, good for you.

Homer: [pushing 'Y' on the computer] Y Y Y Y Y Y Y...

[Homer arrives at a movie theater]
Homer Simpson: One for "Honk", please.
Ticket Dealer: Oh. Gee, uh, just a minute. I have to check with the manager.
Ticket Dealer: [to manager, referring to Homer] That overweight guy wants to see the movie.
Manager: I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs.
Homer Simpson: What are you talking about?
Manager: What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage couldn't possibly fit in our seats.
Homer Simpson: I can sit in the aisle.
Manager: I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.
Bystander: Hey, Fatty! I've got a movie for ya: A Fridge Too Far!
[the rapidly-assembling crowd laughs]
Homer Simpson: Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity! I just came here tosee Honk If You're Horny in peace.
Manager: Sir, if you'd just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.
Homer Simpson: This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes! The overweight individuals in this country are just as smart and talented and hard working as everybody else. And they're going to make their voices heard! All they need is a leader.

[after leaving his home workstation to go to the movies, Homer comes back, energized]
Homer Simpson: I'll prove to them that I'm not lazy and irresponsible!
[he looks at the screen, which is beeping urgently, and reads "Core Meltdown Imminent"]
Homer Simpson: [scared] Marge? Lisa?
[reluctantly]
Homer Simpson: Flanders?

[Homer is walking down the street, hitchhiking with a sign that says "Give me a ride or everybody dies"]
Homer Simpson: [a car approaches Homer] Hey, buddy, you gotta slow your car down and let me in, because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere! Because there could be some poison gas, I... I mean there's really going to be poison gas, and everybody's going to be dead, especially me!
Homer Simpson: [the driver takes off] D'oh!
Homer Simpson: [an ice cream truck approaches Homer] Hey, buddy, you got to let me in your car...
Ice Cream Truck Driver: [frightened] Take anything you want, man! Take it all!

Homer Simpson: [at his computer workstation] "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key?

[first lines]
[Smithers raps on the men's room door at the power plant]
Smithers: Come on, Simpson! Open up, we know you're in there!
[no answer; Smithers motions to two goons, who break the door down; the bathroom is apparently empty, but Smithers looks carefully, and points to a stall]
Smithers: Hmm... that one.
[the goons kick open the stall, revealing Homer standing in the toilet bowl]
Homer Simpson: Someone's in here!
[as the goons drag him out]
Homer Simpson: NO! NOOOOOO! AH! NO! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF...! NOOOOO!
Smithers: Boy, I never saw a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics.

[Homer's computer is flashing the words "explosion imminent"]
Homer Simpson: "Explosion imminent?"
[scrolls back through text, sees gas wasn't vented]
Homer Simpson: Oh my God! The plant's gonna explode!
[at the nuclear power plant, where Lenny and Carl are walking past the rumbling tank]
Carl: Hey, that thing's going kaka cuckoo.
Lenny: Who cares? It's Homer's problem.
Homer Simpson: Wait, I know:
[types]
Homer Simpson: vent gas.
[reads screen]
Homer Simpson: "Pressure too high?" "Tank must be shut down manually?"
[to drinking bird]
Homer Simpson: Oh, stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge!
[he briefly yanks it]
Homer Simpson: Oh, who am I kidding? This is all my fault!

[Homer is about to leave his house to save the nuclear power plant]
Homer Simpson: Fat don't fail me now!
Homer Simpson: [he hops in his car, but the tires get popped] D'oh!
Homer Simpson: [tries to use a skateboard, but it's broken in half] Oh.


"The Simpsons: Natural Born Kissers (#9.25)" (1998)
Marge Simpson: When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to buy a refridgerator motor?
Homer Simpson: Eh, I never thought I'd live this long.

Marge Simpson: We drank so much, that night!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit.
[laughs]
Marge Simpson: [laughs uneasily] Yeah...
Homer Simpson: Well, this time I'm drunk on love... and beer.

Marge Simpson: Oh, this is so naughty. Coming back to our old love-nest.
Homer Simpson: It hasn't changed since that magical evening when I knocked you up.

Bart Simpson: There's gotta be something to do around here. Hey, are they pulling the plug on anybody today?
Grampa Simpson: Nope, everybody's paid up.

Homer Simpson: Hey, look what was in here! A program from that guy's funeral.
Marge Simpson: You mean Frank Grimes?
Homer Simpson: Yeah! Yeah! Whatever happened to that guy?

Grampa Simpson: Now you got her, Bart. Jump Lisa's king.
Rod Flanders: I'm not Bart. I'm Rod Flanders.
Grampa Simpson: There you go with that smart mouth! Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch.
Todd Flanders: Yes sir!

Carl Carlson: Hey Homer, see you at Moe's?
Lenny Leonard: He put new electrical tape on the cushions!
Homer Simpson: Sorry, guys. Marge and I are spending the weekend at a bed 'n' breakfast.
Carl Carlson: Oh, trying to jump-start the old marriage, huh?
Lenny Leonard: Can I come?
Homer Simpson: Nah, it'd just be awkward. What with the sex and all.

Homer Simpson: Now they did say bed *and* breakfast, right?

Bart Simpson: You guys are sick.
[Bart and Lisa leave]
Marge Simpson: You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?
Homer Simpson: I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong!

Grampa Simpson: Cut me a switch!

Marge Simpson: Kids, I want to explain about the stadium. You see, sometimes, Moms and Dads get a little accustomed to each other.
Homer Simpson: Dads especially.

Homer Simpson: [Homer and Marge, both naked, land in the middle of a football field as the crowd gasps, cheers, and whistles] Why don't you take a picture? It will last longer.
[the whole crowd lights up with camera flashes]
Homer Simpson: D'oh!


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Vegetarian (#7.5)" (1995)
Lisa: I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbeque.
Homer: I understand honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.

Homer: Lisa! Lisa! Come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am.
Lisa: Hi dad. Looking for me?
Homer: I don't know. You looking for me?
Lisa: I don't know.
Homer: Ohhhh. Lisa. I was looking for you. I wanted to apologize. I don't know exactly what went wrong but it's always my fault.
Lisa: Actually Dad, this time, I was wrong...
Homer: Oooh!
Lisa: ...too.
Homer: Ohh.
Lisa: While I was gone I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney.
Homer: Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know?
Lisa: I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbeque.
Homer: I understand honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid. Come on, I'll give you a piggyback... I mean a veggieback ride home.

Lisa: I never realized before, but some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons send the message that violence against animals is funny.
Bart: They what? Cartoons don't have messages, Lisa.
[moves toward door]
Bart: They're just a bunch of hilarious stuff you know, like people getting hurt and stuff, stuff like that.
[Bart gets slammed behind the door by Homer]
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [reading the invitation] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't you have some other type of party, one where you don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat?'. I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
Bart: [musically] You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
Bart, Homer: You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
Bart, Homer, Marge: You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!
Lisa: Mom!
Marge: I don't mean to take sides, I just got caught up in the rhythm.

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad?
Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you! You barbeque-wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
Lisa: That's IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore. I am out of here!
[leaves and slams the door]
Homer: That's it! Go to your room!

[Ned Flanders is having a Family Reunion]
Homer: Hey, Flanders.
Entire Flanders Family: Hiddily-Ho, Neighbourino.
Homer: Shut-up.
Entire Flanders Family: Okily-Dokily.

Bart, Homer: [chanting] You don't win friends with salad, you don't win friends with salad, you don't win friends with salad...

[Homer is scanning the sky with binoculars, looking for his pig]
Bart: Give it up, Dad. Piggy ain't coming back.
[Homer growls and throws the binoculars into the garbage]
Homer: Lisa! You ruined my barbeque! I demand you apologize this second!
Lisa: I'm never ever apologizing because I was standing up for a just cause and you were wrong, wrong, wrong! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to my room!
Homer: That's it! Go to your room!

[Homer and Bart are chasing the rolling rotisserie pig. It rolls through some bushes]
Homer: It's just a little dirty! It's still good, it's still good!
[the cart falls off the edge of a drainage culvert, and the pig floats down the stream]
Homer: It's just a little slimy! It's still good, it's still good!
[the pig reaches a dam at the end of the stream and plugs the drain hole. The water pressure builds up behind it, until it launches out of the hole into the air]
Homer: It's just a little airborne! It's still good, it's still good!
Bart: It's gone.
Homer: I know.

Lisa: Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB.
Bart: Hey, Homer, what's that B for?
Homer: That's a typo.

Homer: Wow, Barney. You brought a whole beer keg.
Barney: Yeah... where do I fill it up?

Homer: [to Lisa] You stupid know-nothing know-it-all.


"The Simpsons: Homerpalooza (#7.24)" (1996)
Homer: I was in a record store, and they were playing all these bands I'd never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy.
Marge: Record stores have always seemed crazy to me. Music is none of my business.
Homer: That's all well and good for you, but I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day... now I'm lucky to find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of this rut and back into the groove.

Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

[the teenagers Homer and Barney are doing an acapella version of "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" in front of a mirror]
Middle-aged Grampa: What the Hell are you two doin'?
Young Barney: It's called rockin' out!
Young Homer: You wouldn't understan', dad. You're not *with it*.
Middle-aged Grampa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what *it* was. Now what I'm with isn't *it*, and what's *it* seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you...

Homer: Why do you need new bands? Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.

Homer: Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for Jefferson airplane, which cleared the way for Jefferson starship. The stage was now set for the Alan Parsons project, which I believe was some sort of hovercraft.

Homer: For more information on Grand Funk, consult your school library!

Homer: Pftt... Rules. I'm a rocker, I don't care for rules.
Veterinarian: Mr. Simpson, this is serious. If you take one more cannonball to the gut, you will die.
Homer: Die? Well, you don't scare me, doc, 'cause dying would be a stone groove. Got any messages for Jimi Hendrix?
Veterinarian: Yes: "Pick up your puppy."

Billy Corgan: Hey, Homer, looks like our next stop is your hometown, Springfield.
D'arcy Wretzky: D'Arcy: Is it true that we have to bring our own water?
Homer: We got a little rule back home: if it's brown, drink it down; if it's black, send it back.

Bart: Do you wear boxers or briefs?
Homer: [checking] Nope.
Bart: What religion are you?
Homer: You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life. Uh... Christianity.

[Bachman Turner Overdrive is playing at a county fair]
Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: It's BTO. They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB.
[Bart stares at Homer]
Homer: That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.

Homer: You know my kids think you're the greatest, and thanks to your gloomy music they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.
Billy Corgan: Well we try to make a difference.

Homer: You wouldn't understand, Dad, you're not with it!
Grampa: I was with it once! And then they changed what it was! And now what I'm with isn't it and what's it seems weird and scary to me! And it'll happen to you!


"The Simpsons: Homer's Phobia (#8.15)" (1997)
Homer: ...And the whole steel mill was gay.
Moe: Jeez, where ya been, Homer? The whole steel *industry's* gay.

Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming.

Marge: [about a gay man] Homer, he prefers the company of men.
Homer: Who doesn't?

Homer: There's only two kinds of guys who wear Hawaiian shirts: gay guys and big fat party animals. And Bart doesn't look like a big fat party animal to me!

[to Bart]
Homer: He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?

Homer: OhmyGod! OhmyGod! OhmyGod! OhmyGod! I danced with a gay! Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. Promise me!

[Robo-Santa chases the reindeer away]
Homer: It's a miracle!
John: No, Ultrasuede is a miracle. This is just good timing.

[Homer is worried that Bart will turns out gay]
Moe: Come on, don't take this so hard, Homer. You still got that other kid, uh... Lisa. Let's, uh, take her out hunting tomorrow; make her into a man.
Homer: Aw, she'd never go. She's a vegetarian.
Moe: Oh, geez! Homer, geez! You and Marge ain't cousins, are you?

Roscoe: [to workers] Hey! Listen up! I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons.
Workers: [waving in a cliche, sissy-like attitude] Hello-o.
Homer: [gasps] Has the whole world gone insane?
Steel Mill Worker #1: [sissy-like] Stand still, there's a spark in you hair!
Steel Mill Worker #2: Get it, get it!
Homer: [whimpers as another guy walks past Homer holding a vat of hot steel in hot pants]
Steel Mill Worker #3: Hot stuff, comin' through!
Homer: [screams]
Bart Simpson: Dad, why'd you take me to a gay steel mill?
Homer: [frightened] I don't know! This is a NIGHTMARE! YOU'RE ALL SICK!
Steel Mill Worker #4: [waving his hand] Oh be nice!
Homer: Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay!
[a whistle goes off]
Homer: Oh my god! What's happening now?
Roscoe: We work hard, we play hard.
[pulls a chain, "Everybody Dance Now" starts playing as the mill turns into a gay nightclub]

[Homer places Bart in front of a sexy billboard]
Homer: Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel?
Bart: I dunno. I kinda want a cigarette.
Homer: That's good. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand?
Bart: Anything slim.
Homer: D'oh!

Homer: You know Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking, but anyway you chose to live your life is OK.
Bart: Huh?
Lisa: He thinks you're gay.
Bart: He thinks I'm gay?

Marge: Homer, look! It's a TV Guide owned by Jackie O!
John: You should see the crossword puzzle! She thought Mindy lived with "Mark."
Homer: Give her a break! Her husband was killed!
John: Oh, I know! Wasn't that awful? Hi, I'm John! Can I help you with anything?
Marge: Yes, I have something that I'd like to sell.
John: Please tell me it's your hair.
Marge: No, it's an heirloom my grandmother passed down to me. A very rare, old figurine from the Civil War.
Lisa: Please don't construe our ownership of this as an endorsement of slavery.
John: Hmm, well see, here's the thing on this. It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970s, one of the J & R Liquor lads. Two books of green stamps, if I'm not mistaken.
Marge: Oh, no! Oh no! No, no, no, no! It's a very, very old figurine!
John: No, it's a liquor bottle. See?
[Unscrews the cap and pours himself a drink]
John: Ah, that'll make your bull run!


"The Simpsons: El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer (#8.9)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: In your face, space coyote!

Homer Simpson: We're so different! It's like you're from Venus!
Marge Simpson: And you're from Mars.
Homer Simpson: Oh, sure, give *me* the one with all the monsters!

Coyote: I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away with a thousand thoughts at once.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, that's me all right.
[gets a glazed look in his eyes as the wind blows his two hair strands]
Coyote: Clarity is the path to inner peace.
Homer Simpson: Well, what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions?
Coyote: [snorts] Are you kidding? If anything, you should get *more* possessions. You don't even have a computer.

Homer Simpson: Huh? Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap. Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop.
[the pro shop is on top of a giant pyramid, as well]
Homer Simpson: And that talking coyote was really just a talking dog.
Talking Dog: Hi, Homer. Find your soulmate.
Homer Simpson: Hey, wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talking dog!
Talking Dog: [barks]
Homer Simpson: Damn straight!

Coyote: [v.o] Find your soul mate, Homer.
Homer Simpson: But where? Where?
Coyote: [v.o] I'm just your memory. I can't give you any new information.

[Homer is on the phone, looking for a soul mate in the personal ads]
Homer Simpson: Hello, is this GBM? You wrote in the personals that you're looking for a soul mate. Well, I also like rainy days and movies.
[pause]
Homer Simpson: No, I don't like *that*.
[pause]
Homer Simpson: Or that. It's not that I'm afraid...
[hastily]
Homer Simpson: I'm going to hang up now, bye!
[hangs up the phone]

Coyote: I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away with a thousand thoughts at once.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, that's me all right.
[gets a glazed look in his eyes as the wind blows his two hair strands]
Coyote: Clarity is the path to inner peace.
Homer Simpson: Well, what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions?
Coyote: [snorts] Are you kidding? If anything, you should get *more* possessions. You don't even have a computer.

Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.

[the coyote growls and starts chewing on Homer's leg]
Homer Simpson: Hey! Knock it off!
[Homer kicks the coyote off his leg]
Coyote: Sorry. I am a coyote.

Homer Simpson: [runs screaming into a field]
Ralph Wiggum: Hey, Mister!
Otto: Let him go, Ralph. He knows what he's doing.

Homer Simpson: [sits down on top of the huge pyramid] I hate this place! WHY AM I HERE?
Coyote: [voice only] You are on a quest for knowledge.
Homer Simpson: Who said that?
[the Moon turns around revealing itself to be an eye, Saturn flies next to the eye and becomes a second eye. The large red face of a Space Coyote appears in the sky, smiles at Homer and moves down to the top of the pyramid]
Coyote: Fear not Homer. I am your spirit guide.
Homer Simpson: Hiya.

Homer Simpson: [notices the sun rising and setting according to how he walks] Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrisesunsetsunrisesunsetsunrisesuns-
[He accidentally breaks the sun]
Homer Simpson: AAAHH! Note to self: stop doing anything.


"The Simpsons: Weekend at Burnsie's (#13.16)" (2002)
Homer Simpson: [stoned, at work on the phone] Marge! I just realized. I am the "ow" in the word "now."
[Angrily]
Homer Simpson: And if you tell anyone...!

Otto Mann: [both stoned; watching "The Three Stooges"] Hey, "Shemp" spelled backwards is "Hemp"!
[laughs]
Homer Simpson: And Otto spelled backwards is "Otto"!
[laughs]
Otto Mann: Now I'm scared.

Homer Simpson: [thinking as he is watching Lisa play her sax] Wow, that sax would make a great pipe.

Bart Simpson: Dad, I thought you didn't like Lisa's saxophone.
Homer Simpson: I didn't. But now, daddy's special medicine-
[menacingly]
Homer Simpson: which you must never use because it will ruin your life- lets daddy see and hear magical things that you will never experience... ever!

Homer Simpson: Oh man, we killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is going to be so mad!

Marge Simpson: [Homer is naming off the crows in his bedroom] Homer, I'm not sure I'm comfortable sleeping with a group of crows in the bedroom in the night.
Homer Simpson: It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.
Marge Simpson: I'm going to go sleep on the couch tonight.

Marge Simpson: [Homer comes home with a new suit] Where did you get that suit?
Homer Simpson: Woah, woah, one question at a time.
[Points to Marge]
Homer Simpson: Yes, you?
Marge Simpson: Homer, I am getting really worried you are going overboard with this. We are out of clothespins, there are half-eaten cupcakes all around the house, and the curtains smell like doob.
Homer Simpson: Well I got news for you: I just got promoted and it's all thanks to yes-I-cannabis!
[Homer walks away]
Homer Simpson: We have a kitchen?

[Homer is getting stitches in his eyes]
Homer: I hate getting stitches in my eye. Stupid crows.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Now, don't be mad at the crows, Homer. They weren't trying to blind you, they were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices.

[Homer is listening to Lisa playing her saxaphone while he's high on marijuana]
Bart: Hey, Dad, I thought you hated Lisa's sax.
Homer: I did, but now Daddy's new medicine... which you must never use. Because it will ruin your life... helps Daddy see the magical colors that you will never experience... EVER.

[Homer reads label on medicinal pot]
Homer: Caution, objects may apppear more edible than they actually are.

Bart: As long as you're doing things for me, will you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house?
Homer: NEVER.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
Homer Simpson: [chops down a door a la The Shining] Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
[there's no one in the room]
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[chops down another door]
Homer Simpson: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavid Letterman!
Grandpa Simpson: Hi, David, I'm Grampa.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[chops down another door and holds a stopwatch]
Homer Simpson: I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!
Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Homer Simpson: Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and no beer make Homer something, something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer Simpson: Don't mind if I do!
[goes crazy]

Homer Simpson: Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

[a ghostly Moe appears in the hotel's bar]
Moe Szyslak: So, what'll it be, Homer?
Homer Simpson: Moe, gimme a beer!
Moe Szyslak: No. Not unless you kill your family.
Homer Simpson: Why should I kill my family?
Moe Szyslak: Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.
Homer Simpson: You don't look so happy.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, I'm happy! I'm very happy! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! See? Now waste your family, I'll give you a beer!

Marge: [Bart awakens from a nightmare] Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back home with your family now, where there's nothing to be afraid of... except that fog that turns people inside out.
Bart: Huh?
Homer: [the fog starts coming in] Uh-oh, it's seeping in. STUPID CHEAP WEATHER STRIPPING!
[everyone screams as the fog turns them inside out; then they stop screaming, looking at each other. Music plays, and they start dancing and singing]
Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa: One chorus line of people, dancing till they make us stop!
Groundskeeper Willie: [Willy, also turned inside out, jumps on stage] Too...!
Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa, Groundskeeper Willie: Many dancing people, covered in blood, gore, and glop!/Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out!/It's worse than that flesh-eating virus you've read about!/Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in, the family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine!/Happy Halloween!

Homer: I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos.

Mr. Burns: This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
Homer: [shudders] Oh... John Denver.

Moe: Homer, it's Moe. Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.
Homer Simpson: Can't murder now, eating.
Moe: Oh, for crying out loud. Come on!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, look!
[holds TV up]
Homer Simpson: Television! Teacher, mother...
Homer Simpson: [lustily] ... secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading - rising! Fading... fading... gone.
[family sighs]
Homer Simpson: Come, family. sit in the snow with daddy and let us all bask in TV's warm glowing warming glow.
[Hours later, everyone is frozen]
man introducing Tony Awards: [on TV] Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!
Bart Simpson: [with difficulty] Homer... change channel.
Homer Simpson: Can't! Frozen!
[music on TV: "One chorus line of people...?]
Homer Simpson: [family screams]
Homer Simpson: Urge to kill... rising...

Homer Simpson: [after using a time-traveling toaster, Homer suddenly finds himself in the dinosaur era] Okay, don't panic! Remember the advice Dad gave you on your wedding day.
Grandpa Simpson: [Flashback of younger Grampa in a tuxedo] If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything. Because even the slightest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.

Homer Simpson: [Homer is falling through a time warp filled with clocks] Wow! I'm the first non-Brazillian person to travel backwards through time!
Mr. Peabody: [Mr. Peabody and Sherman, the time traveling duo from the Rocky & Bullwinkle show, float past] Correction, Homer, you're the second.
Sherman: That's right, Mr. Peabody.
Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you!


"The Simpsons: The Squirt and the Whale (#21.19)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: I'm not made of money. I'm made of man meat and a skeleton.

Lisa Simpson: [Homer is using fans connected to Flanders' house to power the turbine] Dad, it sort of defeats the whole purpose of using wind power if you power the windmill with electricity from Flanders.
Ned Flanders: Homer, this meeting of your "fan" club is adjourned.
Homer Simpson: But we haven't heard the minutes of our last meeting.
[Flanders disconnects fans]
Homer Simpson: You used to be nicer!

Lisa Simpson: We're going to check out the storm damage!
Homer Simpson: Be careful! If you see a downed power line, do whatever it is people are supposed to do in that situation.

Homer Simpson: Lisa, you take the car.
Lisa Simpson: But I can't drive.
Homer Simpson: Haven't you learned anything from watching Bart drive?
Lisa Simpson: A little.

Homer Simpson: I tried my best. I know it's hard to find out your father isn't perfect.
Bart Simpson: Perfect father? That's for sure.
Homer Simpson: I'm trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron!

Lisa Simpson: Those babies are doomed, just like their mom. I guess it's just nature's way.
Homer Simpson: Nature is just a toothless, dying old hag! Let's go save those baby whales!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, the sharks must think you're a baby whale!
Homer Simpson: Ooh, a baby whale. My diet is working.

Lisa Simpson: Do you think they'll be all okay?
Homer Simpson: Absolutely. He's young, he's got a couple of cute kids, soon he'll hook up with a beautiful octopus. They'll have to sell the old place, too many memories, but if I'm not mistaken, there might be a little whalepus on the way.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, I found what you were looking for.
Homer Simpson: A churro you can eat in the shower?

Marge Simpson: We lost our wedding china.
Homer Simpson: Now we'll have to eat Thanksgiving dinner on regular plates like animals.

Homer Simpson: Typical eco-jerks! Usin' words to talk!


"The Simpsons: Homer the Father (#22.12)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: [watching TV credits] I liked the producing, the executive producing and especially the co-producing, but the supervising producing was the best I've ever seen!

Homer Simpson: The boy's acting really weird. I did everything that T.V. show told me to and he's still not happy.
Marge Simpson: Well, maybe you shouldn't listen to a 30 - year old T.V. show that only got on the air because the creator had evidence the network president ran over a guy.

Announcer: Thicker Than Waters was filmed live before a studio audience.
Homer Simpson: He, he, he. Everyone in that studio audience is dead now.

Homer Simpson: Things were so much simpler when a machine told you when to laugh.

Bart Simpson: I like going to work with you, dad.
Homer Simpson: And I like having you here, son. 'Cause you can wake me up if someone comes.

Apu: Mister Homer, you accidentally left your nuclear plant identification badge in the birthday card aisle.
Homer Simpson: Can't lose that. It's the only good picture of me I have.

Homer Simpson: Why would a child go to the zoo?

Homer Simpson: [singing the Thicker Than Waters theme] This is my favorite song now. Sorry, Don't Fear The Reaper.

Homer Simpson: Can I have it Dad?
[showing Homer a picture of the minibike]
Homer Simpson: Huh?
Bart Simpson: Can I?

Homer Simpson: You still see that crow on shows sometimes.

Homer Simpson: Hmm, hmm! Marge, would like a ''Thicker Than Waters'' collectable plate?
Marge Simpson: Homer, you can't order anything from that magazine. It's 25 years old.
Homer Simpson: Oh yeah? I'll show you. TV Guide Offer, 1 World Trade Center...


"The Simpsons: Diatribe of a Mad Housewife (#15.10)" (2004)
[after lying to Marge about reading her book]
Homer Simpson: [thinking] Now for that happy period between the lie and the time it's found out.

[researching who shot JFK]
Homer Simpson: Marge, I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby.
Marge Simpson: Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I was so close.

Bart Simpson: Dad, you've been driving in circles for 20 minutes.
Lisa Simpson: Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is?
Homer Simpson: Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere?

Homer Simpson: Apu, do you sell crazy straws? I've got a guy with a broken back and I'm trying to cheer him up.

Homer Simpson: I'll have to read Marge's book. And I swore never to read again after 'To Kill a Mockingbird' gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?

Homer Simpson: No, gotta read Marges' book. Can't get distracted. Distracted, that's a funny word. Does anyone ever get 'tracted'? I'm gonna call the suicide hotline and ask them.

Homer Simpson: You were gonna start a novel without informing me?
Marge Simpson: Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call!
Homer Simpson: I also fed some ducklings.
Marge Simpson: I know, I got your message.

Homer Simpson: [singing to the tune of Gary Numan's 'Cars'] Here in my car/ I am cleaning out blood/ Some of it's mine/ But most of it's not/ Here's Marge.

Homer: [singing, while hosing out the back of his ambulance] Here in my car/ I am hosing out blood / Some of it's mine / But most of it's not / Here's Marge.

Homer: I've got it! Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy to get the jack ruby.
Marge: Homer, Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.
Homer: Oh, back to square one.

Homer Simpson: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the colour of his skin... but what good does *that* do me?


"The Simpsons: The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson (#9.1)" (1997)
Lenny: Hey, let's go to the girls college!
Carl: No! Playboy Mansion, Playboy Mansion!
Homer Simpson: It's my car, and I say we're going to the Lost City of Gold!
Barney Gumble: [angry] Oh, that's just drunk talk!
[dreamy]
Barney Gumble: Sweet, beautiful drunk talk...

Homer Simpson: [drunk] Goodnight, Barney. Don't forget to bring back my car back tomorrow. Just slide it under the door.

Khlav Kalesh Guy: Fresh Khlav kalash! Get your khlav kalash!
Homer Simpson: Hey, uh, could you go across the street and get me a slice of pizza?
Khlav Kalesh Guy: No pizza, only khlav kalash.
Homer Simpson: Aw, shoot... Oh, all right, all right, gimme one bowl.
Khlav Kalesh Guy: [whips out something reddish on a stick] No bowl, stick, stick.
Homer Simpson: [Homer buys one, tries it] Oh, geez! That's just awful.
[finishes it]
Homer Simpson: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Khlav Kalesh Guy: Mountain Dew or Crab Juice.
Homer Simpson: Blecch! Ew! Sheesh! I'll take a crab juice.
[Homer drinks the can of crab juice, then several more]
Homer Simpson: [burps] Uh-oh. Uh, you got a men's room in there?
Khlav Kalesh Guy: [disturbed] Only khlav kalash. Men's room in tower. Tower! Observation deck!

Homer: [after Barney has been missing for two months] Barney, where have you been?
Barney: All I can remember about the last two months, is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner.

Homer: All right, New York. I'm coming back. But you're not gonna get this!
[Homer throws his wallet into the lit fireplace]
Lisa: Dad, our baby pictures are in there.
Homer: Don't you start!

Marge: Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
Homer: You can sit there complaining, or you can knit me some seat belts.

[Homer, Lenny, and Carl are drunk]
Lenny: Hey, let's go to the girl's college.
Carl: No, the Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion.
Homer Simpson: Shut up. It's my car and I say we're going to the lost city of gold.

Homer: That's it. I'm getting out of this town alive if it kills me.

Homer, Lenny, Carl: [drunk and singing] Dada dada dada dada dada, Macarena. HEY MACARENA!

Homer Simpson: Hey, eveybody, I'm Peter Pantsless!

Homer: They expect me to wait here from 9 to 5? That's... how many hours?
[looks at watch; counts fingers]
Homer: 10, 11... denominator... Awww where's Lisa when ya need her?


"The Simpsons: Realty Bites (#9.9)" (1997)
[first lines]
Homer Simpson: [lounging on the couch in his pajamas, drinking beer] Ah. I love these lazy Saturdays.
Marge Simpson: It's Wednesday, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Ahh! Work!
[he quickly runs off]

Homer Simpson: Ah. I love these real Saturdays. They're so relaxing.
[angry]
Homer Simpson: Not like that fake Saturday that almost got me fired!

Moe Szyslak: Geez, this hot rod is souped up six ways from Sunday! Never had you figured for a gearhead, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Oh yeah, I'm a real expert.
Moe Szyslak: What is that, a six barrel Holley carb?
Homer Simpson: You betcha!
Moe Szyslak: Edelbrock intakes?
Homer Simpson: Nothing but.
Moe Szyslak: Myohoff lifters?
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah.
Moe Szyslak: I made that last one up.
Homer Simpson: I see.

[singing to the tune of "Camptown Races"]
Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: On the closing day / the escrow agents pay / taxes, liens and interest too / thanks to Fanny Mae.
Bart Simpson: [finishes the song] They back your baaaaank!
Homer Simpson: You're all nuts.

Marge Simpson: I'm not getting back in this car until you drive like a sane person!
Homer Simpson: [speeds off] Okaybyeloveya!

Homer Simpson: [at a police seized-property auction] Wow, sweetheart, look at all this seized booty. We could find the drug boat of our dreams!
Marge Simpson: I don't want a drug boat.
Homer Simpson: Well, I bet there's drug dresses and drug vacuum cleaners too.

Marge Simpson: You bought a car without consulting me?
Homer Simpson: I don't remember being consulted when you bought that hat.
Marge Simpson: I found this hat!
Homer Simpson: Well then what are you complaining about? You got yours!

Homer Simpson: I don't know, Marge. Trying is the first step towards failure.

Homer Simpson: Hey, Skinner! Want a drag race?
Principal Skinner: My high school sweetheart was killed in a drag race.
Homer Simpson: Come on, it'll be fun!
Principal Skinner: That's what Debbie Sue said.

Homer Simpson: Man, the air feels good on my neck!

Homer Simpson: Lucky thing we landed on this bubble wrap.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, quit hoggin'!


"The Simpsons: There's No Disgrace Like Home (#1.4)" (1990)
Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I'm picking respect.

Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.

Homer: When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!

[Greeting the Simpsons at the company picnic, Burns reads from a card]
Mr. Burns: And this must be, uh... Brat.
Bart: Bart.
Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat.

Homer: You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, "Homer, you're a big disappointment," and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.

Dr. Marvin Monroe: You are wired into the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock...
[buzz]
Homer: AH!
Bart: Just testing.

Homer: [Trying to pawn TV] Would you pay $150 for this lovely Motorola?
Pawnbroker: Is it cable ready?
Homer: Ready as she'll ever be!

Barney Gumble: Don't blame yourself, Homer. You've got crummy little kids that nobody can control.
Homer: You can't talk that way about my kids! Well, at least two of them, anyway.
Barney Gumble: Why? Have you got two I haven't met?
Homer: [angrily] Why you! Here's FIVE you haven't met!
[punches Barney off his stool]

Homer: [while chasing Bart and Lisa at the Power plant's family picnic] Be normal! Be normal!

Homer: To save this family, we're going to have to make the ultimate sacrifice...
[cut to Homer heading to a pawnshop, with his family surrounding him in agitation]
Lisa: No, Dad! Please don't sell the TV!
Marge: Couldn't I pawn my wedding ring instead?
Homer: I appreciate it, honey, but we're talking $250 here!

Bart: Hey, check out this house! It's a dump!
Homer: [chuckles] Yeah, and can you believe I stepped on the owner's garden bushes!
Marge: Homer, this is our house!
Homer: D'oh!


"The Simpsons: Fear of Flying (#6.11)" (1994)
[after Homer has been banned from Moe's, a man comes in who looks exactly like Homer except for a fake-looking moustache and an English voice]
Guy N. Cognito: Greetings good men, might I trouble you for a drink?
Moe: Oh get out of here, Homer!
Guy N. Cognito: Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy N. Cognito.
[Homer walks past Moe's, despondent. From inside comes the sound of Guy N. Cognito getting beaten up by Moe, and he's thrown unconscious out of the bar and onto the street]
Homer: Oh, my God, this man is my exact double!
[a small, fluffy-tailed dog walks by]
Homer: That dog has a fluffy tail!
[Homer leaves Guy and starts pursuing the dog]
Homer: Come here, fluff!

Homer: I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the world. I wanna watch TV in a different time zone. I wanna visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero. I want to LIVE, Marge. Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?

Homer: This is it. The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in, I'll have to quit drinking.
Homer's Liver: YAY.
Homer: Shut up, liver...

Moe: That's it, Homer. I'm taking your caricature down from Mount Lushmore, and I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.
Homer: "It's Raining Men"?
Moe: Yeah, not no more it ain't.

Homer: [Homer seems oblivious to the fact that he's in a lesbian bar] Wait a minute... there's something bothering me about this place.
[looks around]
Homer: I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap, ladies.
[leaves]
woman: What was her problem?

Homer: Good news everybody! Because I endangered lives, we can fly anywhere we want!

Homer: Lisa, the important thing is for your mother to repress what happened. Push it deep down inside her, so she'll never annoy us again.

Guy N. Cognito: [comes into Moe's looking exactly like Homer except for a fake-looking moustache and silly voice] Hello! My name is Guy N. Cognito.
Moe: Get out of here, Homer!
[sound of Guy N. Cognito getting beaten up and thrown unconscious into the street]
Homer: [walking along despondent until he stumbles onto Guy N. Cognito] Oh, my God, this man is my exact double!
[a small, puffy-tailed dog walks by]
Homer: That dog has a puffy tail!
[Homer leaves Guy and starts pursuing the dog]
Homer: Here, puff!

Homer: Wait a minute... there's something bothering me about this place. I know. This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit. Enjoy your death trap ladies.
[leaves]
Lesbian: What's her problem?

Marge: Everybody's afraid of something.
Homer: [smugly] Not everybody.
Marge: Sock puppets.
Homer: [shrieks in terror] Where? Where?

Lisa: Cheer up, Dad. Did you know the Chinese use the same word for 'crisis' as they do for 'opportunity'?
Homer: Yes. Crisitunity.


"The Simpsons: The Parent Rap (#13.2)" (2001)
Homer Simpson: Judge Snyder, while we're young?

Judge Constance Harm: Grand theft auto?
Bart Simpson: It was an accident, ma'am.
Judge Constance Harm: Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me its frosting.
Homer Simpson: What did she say about cupcakes?

Judge Constance Harm: According to this, your father was driving you to school. Then where was he when you stole the police car?
Homer Simpson: Uh, your Honor, I was chasing the KBBL Party Penguin Prize Patrol.
Judge Constance Harm: You abandoned your son to win forty dollars?
Homer Simpson: And a Blue Oyster Cult medallion.
[Holds it up and admires it]
Homer Simpson: Cool.
Judge Constance Harm: And that was more important than keeping your son out of trouble?
Homer Simpson: Your Honor, if may sing a little bit of, "Don't Fear the Reaper," I think you'll agree...
Judge Constance Harm: I'm familiar with BOC. But you have got a boy here who is crying out for adult supervision.
Homer Simpson: I couldn't agree more. Perhaps some sort of court-appointed babysitter or au pair.
Judge Constance Harm: Sorry, bub, that crow won't caw.
Homer Simpson: It won't!

Judge Constance Harm: I hereby order you to be tethered to your son.
Homer Simpson: Tethered!
Judge Constance Harm: Tethered. Report to room five.
Homer Simpson: Room five!

Homer Simpson: She is so cool!
Marge Simpson: We hate her, Homer.

Judge Constance Harm: Agh! That quilt was made by my Grandmother.
Homer Simpson: So... it cost you nothin'.

Homer Simpson: That was close.
Hans Moleman: Please drive off me.
Homer Simpson: Argh!
Marge Simpson: What was that?
Homer Simpson: Uh, just the radio, dear.

Edna Krabappel: Okay, now who can pick out the predicate in this sentence?
Homer Simpson: Ahhh!
Edna Krabappel: What is it now, Bart?
Bart Simpson: Night terrors.
Homer Simpson: Ahh! Cobras!

Homer: Careful. These pants cost me 600$.
Moe: 600$?
Homer: Yeah, they're Italian.
Moe: [pulls out shotgun and points it at Homer] All right, hand them over.
Homer: Moe?
Moe: Yeah, I rob now.

Homer Simpson: Look at her in there, washing her body.


"The Simpsons: Simpson Tide (#9.19)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: I've joined the Naval Reserve.
Barney: I'm not going to let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too.
Moe: I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers, I'm joining, too.
Apu: Even though my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey.

[onboard a submarine]
Homer Simpson: Mr. Moe, prepare to surface.
Moe: You want to stop calling me Mr. Moe?
Homer Simpson: No.

[repeated line]
Homer Simpson: It's my first day.

Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
Bart: Milhouse has one.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.
Homer: Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud naval tradition.
Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me.
Homer: Oh... I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
Lisa: Can I?
Homer: No.

[Homer and Moe are serving on a nuclear sub]
Homer: Damage report, Mr. Moe.
Moe: Sonar: out. Navigation: out. Radio: out.
Homer: Enough of what's out. What's in?
Moe: Ice-blended moccha drinks and David Schwimmer.
Homer: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.

Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
Grampa Simpson: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is *not* a porn star!

Naval Recruiter: Just fill out this form, and you're on your way to the reserve.
Homer Simpson: There's a question that's crossed out.
Naval Recruiter: Well... due to a recent presidential order, we're not allowed to ask that particular question.
Homer Simpson: I think I can make it out.
[reads]
Homer Simpson: "Are you a homosex..."
Naval Recruiter: [interrupts] For God's sake, don't answer that, I could go to jail!
Homer Simpson: But I'm not a homose...
Naval Recruiter: [covers his ears and sings loudly] La, la, la, la, la, la, la, I am not lis-ten-ing! La, la, la, la, la...
[exits]
Homer Simpson: Nice fella. I wonder if he's gay?

[Bart has an earring]
Bart: Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age?
Homer: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different.

[before setting sail on a submarine]
Captain Tenille: Any questions?
Homer: Is a poop deck what I think it is?
Captain Tenille: [laughing] I like the cut of your jib.
Homer: What's a jib?
Captain Tenille: Promote that man.

Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you.
Homer: I like you.
Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you.
Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.


"The Simpsons: Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo (#10.23)" (1999)
Lisa Simpson: Hey look. There's a cybor cafe opening right here in Springfield. Will you take me dad? Please! I'll show you how to order pizza over the internet.
Homer Simpson: The internet? Is that thing still around?
Bart Simpson: I know a website that shows monkeys doing it.
Lisa Simpson: Bart, the internet is more than a global pornography network, it's a...
[Homer honks his car horn]
Homer Simpson: Come on Lisa, monkeys!
[Lisa groans]

Lisa Simpson: Wow dad, you're surfing like a pro.
Homer Simpson: Oh yeah. I'm betting on Jai Alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called News Corp...
Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's Fox!
Homer Simpson: Augh! Undo! Undo!

Homer Simpson: Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket.
Bart Simpson: And?
Homer Simpson: Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

Homer Simpson: If we want to see Japanese people, we can just go to the zoo.
Marge Simpson: [mortified] Homer!
Homer Simpson: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese... his name is Takashi... he's in my book club.

Lisa Simpson: Now, can we do something that is Japanese?
Marge Simpson: Oh, I know that you wanna visit Japan, honey but we're down to our million yen
[pulls a yen bill out of her hair]
Homer Simpson: Here
[Takes the yen bill and makes an origami craine]
Homer Simpson: It's a craine they say it brings luck.
Marge Simpson: Careful Homer, we need that money to get home.
[Then the wind picks up and blows the bill away]
Homer Simpson: [In Japanese] D'oh!

Homer Simpson: [about his time in a Japanese prison] I had to do a stupid Kabuki play about the 47 Ronin, I wanted to be Yoshi but they made me Ori.

Marge Simpson: You liked "Rashomon".
Homer Simpson: That's not how I remember it.

Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo.
Marge: Homer.
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

Homer: Oh well. At least we'll die doing what we love: inhaling molten rock.

Marge: Ooh. I never knew Jim Belushi made so many movies.
Homer: Yeah, isn't it amazing? They're filming one right now in the bathroom. It's gonna be on towards the end of the flight.
[a camera crew films Jim Belushi walking down the aisle]
Belushi: Toga. Toga. Toga 2000.
Homer: Marge. They stole my idea.


"The Simpsons: Homer Goes to Prep School (#24.9)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: Smart Tykes? You promised us we were going somewhere fun!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, you promised, mom!
Marge Simpson: I keep telling you stop calling me Mom.
Homer Simpson: Yes, Mrs. Simpson.

Homer Simpson: America can't collapse. We're as powerful as Ancient Rome.

Homer Simpson: Well, what have we learned from our post-apocalyptic movie marathon?
Bart Simpson: People named Preacher or Deacon are very bad; water is money, unless gasoline is money; and although there are a lot of sharp objects around, nobody ever shaves.
Homer Simpson: Hollywood has taught you well, my son.

Homer Simpson: Your end of the world is better than our during the world.

Marge Simpson: You call yourself a good Christian?
Homer Simpson: If Jesus had a gun, he'd be alive today.

Lisa Simpson: Why is it whenever you wake us up early it means either church or getting new identities?
Homer Simpson: Don't be silly, Mary-Ellen.

Homer Simpson: Prepers? I hate you guys! With your blazers and country clubs, while we townies have to pay our own bills.
Lloyd: We're prepers, not preppies. But I like your hatred.
Homer Simpson: It's based on nothing.

Bart Simpson: What are we coing to do now? We've been here five minutes and I'm already bored.
Homer Simpson: Why don't you write down the names of all the celebrities rumored to be gay for future generations?
Bart Simpson: Yes, sir!
Homer Simpson: Society won't have to begin from square one.

Bart Simpson: Hey, dad. What would you do if you got my ear in the mail?
Homer Simpson: I dunno. Feed it to the dog?
Bart Simpson: You'll have to wrap it in cheese first.
Homer Simpson: Don't tell me how to feed you to the dog!

Homer Simpson: The apocalypse is coming. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe never, but it's coming, and soon.


"The Simpsons: Secrets of a Successful Marriage (#5.22)" (1994)
Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.
Homer: Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once - just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live.

Homer: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth. 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do. Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown.

[Homer is teaching a university course on marriage]
Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Mrs. Krabappel: We need names.
Homer: Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson."

[Homer becomes a teacher]
Lisa: So, dad, will you be teaching from a standardized text or using the more Socratic method?
[Homer stares at her, confused]
Homer: Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.

[Homer is teaching a Successful Marriage course]
Homer: Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as: the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

Homer: Look everyone, now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Correction, Marge.
[He holds up a tweed jacket with two large holes in the back]
Homer: Two perfectly good jackets.

Homer: [Running a red light and speeding into the middle of a busy intersection] It's okay! I'm a teacher!
Miss Hoover: I didn't know we could do that!
[Hits her gas and speeds through the intersection, running a red light herself]

Homer: [playing poker, gagging and coughing up poker chips] Ew! Don't try to eat these so called "chips".
Moe: Are you gonna take some cards, or not?
Homer: Oh... heh, yeah.
[takes four cards]
Homer: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Er, I mean, "woohoo".
Moe: I'm in.
Lenny: I'm in.
Carl: I'm in.
Barney: I'm in.
[belches]
Homer: Aww, I was bluffing.
[lays out cards]
Moe: Ha, ha, ha! Come to papa!
[takes chips and looks at cards]
Moe: What? You have a straight flush, Homer! Ya do this *every* time! Arrrgh-eeengh-gah! Choking on my own rage here!

Homer: OK Brain. What should I do?
Homer's Brain: Eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding.

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old. Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk.
Homer: And how!


"The Simpsons: Homer Badman (#6.9)" (1994)
Homer: Hello. I am Homer Simpson. Or as some of you wags have dubbed me, Father Goose.

Homer: So, a graduate student, huh? How come they can send a man to the moon but can't make my shoes smell good?
Ashley Grant: I'm sorry?
Homer: Ah, nobody's blamin' you.

Homer Simpson: Lisa, do I have my pants on?
Lisa Simpson: Yes.
Homer Simpson: Perfect.

Anchorman: Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers!
Homer: HEY! That's a half-truth!

Homer: Ooh! I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.

[Homer's TV interview]
Homer: Someone had to take the babysitter home. And that's when I noticed that she was sitting on her
[edit]
Homer: sweet can. So I grab
[edit]
Homer: her
[edit]
Homer: sweet can. Ooh, just thinking about her
[edit]
Homer: can
[edit]
Homer: I wish I had another
[edit]
Homer: sweet s-s-s-s-s-s-s-weeet...

Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on her sweet can. I grab her sweet can. Oh, just thinking about her can. I just wish I had her sweet, sweet, s-s-s-sweeet can.

Homer: [finding out he's being accused for sexual harassment] Phew, what a relief for a second I thought I was in trouble, it's a good thing - DOH!

[being hassled by protesters]
Homer: You people can't stop me from living my life.
[the protesters follow homer all the way to work]
Woman Rocking Homer: We're not crazy about nuclear power either.
Smithers: You people aren't allowed in here.
[the protesters stop hassling Homer for a moment]
Homer: No it's okay they're with me.
[Smithers leaves and the protesters resume hassling homer]

Marge: Homer, hasn't this experience taught you that you can't believe everything you hear?
Homer: Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing.


"The Simpsons: That '90s Show (#19.11)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: We wouldn't be in this mess if you just paid the heating bill.
Homer Simpson: I thought global warming would take care of it. Can't Al Gore do anything right?

Homer Simpson: Oh, Elaine. Will you ever find someone who's spongeworthy?

Bart Simpson: The Nineties? Never heard of it.
Homer Simpson: It was a wild decade. The Gulf War was over once and for all, a struggling artist named Matt Groening hit it big with Futurama, and young people had faith in their dreams thanks to a little show called Melrose Place.

Homer Simpson: He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life.

Marge Simpson: Professor August says that situational comedy is a dying artform.
Homer Simpson: You know what I say to that? No soup for you! Because I'm master of my domain... Newman!

Marge Simpson: I've learned so much. Did you know that every president was a straight white male?
Homer Simpson: Even Walt Disney?

Homer Simpson: Give me a beer, Moe.
Moe: I don't serve alcohol anymore. This is a cigar bar now.
Homer Simpson: Fine. Cohiba me. Leave the humidor.

Homer Simpson: I had finally achieved every rock star's dream: hating being famous.

Homer Simpson: [singing] Razorblade of apathy / Shave me with your irony / Shave me! / Shave me! / Shave me!

Homer Simpson: This place is nothing like Animal House. I smashed a beatnik's guitar and he sued me for damages... successfully!


"The Simpsons: When You Dish Upon a Star (#10.5)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Well, I'll always have my prank calls.
[dials his cell phone]
Homer Simpson: Hello? Old lady from "Titanic"? You stink!
[laughs]

Lisa Simpson: You promised to take us to the lake.
Homer Simpson: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!
Lisa Simpson: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer Simpson: No, that would make me a great father.

Boat Rental Clerk: [hands Homer keys] There you go. And I assume you've read the boat safety manual.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah. Couldn't put it down. Come on, boy, let's get me a six-pack!
Boat Rental Clerk: Uh, sir, you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.
Homer Simpson: Oh, that sounds like a wager to me!

Ron Howard: Do I smell vodka... and wheatgrass?
Homer Simpson: It's called a lawnmower, I invented it, do you want one?
Ron Howard: Yeah, okay.

Homer Simpson: Billy Baldwin!
Alec Baldwin: I'm *Alec* Baldwin!

Homer: When was the last time Barbara Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do your laundry, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger.

Homer: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

[Kim Basinger is working out, Homer is coaching her]
Homer: And stretch. And strain. And hyperextend. Keep those knees rigid. Jerk that lower back.
Kim Basinger: I'm getting some shooting pains in my neck...
Homer: That's right, force it. Whip that neck.
[Alec Baldwin enters the room]
Alec Baldwin: Does anybody know where this came from?
Homer: Oh, there's that script I wrote. Where did you find it?
Alec Baldwin: It was on my pillow.
Homer: The important thing is, it has the perfect part for you. For either of you. It's about a killer robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. Ron Howard's attached to direct.
Ron Howard: No I'm not.
Homer: Well, he expressed an interest.
Ron Howard: No I didn't.
Homer: Did too.

Ron Howard: Is that... vodka... and wheat grass?
Homer: It's called a "lawnmower". I invented it. Want one?

Homer Simpson: [after dreaming that he was Yogi Bear] Oh... I was having the most wonderful dream. I had a hat and a tie with no pants on.


"The Simpsons: Stark Raving Dad (#3.1)" (1991)
[Homer is calling home from a mental institution]
Bart: Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
Homer: Boy, when I get home, I'm gonna wrap my hands around your neck and...
[noticing the orderlies glaring at him, he relents]
Homer: ...smother you with kisses.
Bart: Homer, whatever they've got you on, cut the dose.

Leon Kompowsky: [In Michael Jackson's voice] Hi, I'm Michael Jackson from the Jacksons.
Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons.

Homer Simpson: [after Leon moonwalks] How do you do that thing with your feet?
Leon Kompowsky: You mean the moonwalk?
Homer Simpson: No! That thing with your feet!

Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Would you fill out this form for me?
Lisa Simpson: Well, all right - if you listen to the poem I just wrote.
Homer: D'oh...! Uh, okay.
Lisa Simpson: "Meditations on Turning Eight," by Lisa Simpson. "I had a cat named Snowball, she died, she died! Mom said she was sleeping, she lied, she lied! Why, oh why is my cat dead? Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? I had a hamster named Snuffy, he died!"
[that's all she wrote, literally]
Homer: No deal.

Homer Simpson: I can't wear pink! Everyone at work wears white! I'm not popular enough to be different.

Homer Simpson: [Trying to scrub off stamp that reads "insane"] Come off! I'm sane now!

Doctor: After analyzing your husband, we have determined that he's not a danger to anyone.
Homer Simpson: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Can I have it in writing?

Homer: I'm not popular enough to be different.

Homer: [Being shown an inkblot that looks like Bart] THE BOY!

Leon Kompowsky: We call this one the Chief. He's been here since 1968. Never says a word. Never moves a muscle.
Homer Simpson: Hey.
Chief: Hey.
[All the doctors gather around muttering and writing notes]
Chief: Well, it's about time someone reached out to me!


"The Simpsons: Mr. Plow (#4.9)" (1992)
Total Disaster Insurance Man: Now this place you were at, Moe's, is this a business of some sort?
Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at night?
Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Homer's Brain: Heh, heh, heh. I would never have thought of that.

Homer: [singing] Call Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again is Mr. Plow.

Homer: [answers the phone] Mr. Plow, that name again is Mr. Plow.
Kumatsu Motors Man: Hello, I'm calling from Delinquent Accounts at Kumatsu Motors.
Homer: Oh, you want the Mr. Plow who plows driveways. This is Tony Plow, you know, from "Leave It To Beaver".
[pause]
Homer: Yeah, they were gay.

Homer: Now, we play the waiting game.
[pause]
Homer: Ahh, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!

Homer: It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!

Homer: Lenny and Carl suck. Oh, don't tell them I said that Marge, because if I ever lost them as friends...

Homer: If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things.

Homer: There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
Barney: Oh yeah? Which president is on it?
Homer: Um, all of them. They are having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch.

Homer: Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snowblowers, and the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow? Then call Mr. Plow at KLondike 5-3226. Call now, and receive a free t-shirt!

Lisa Simpson: [During Mr. Plow Commercial] But I'm a real tight wad. Can I afford this remarkable system?
Homer: Absolutely. My prices are so low, you'll think I've suffered brain damage.
Bart Simpson: You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you Mr. Plow?
Homer: [Under Breath] Shut up boy.


"The Simpsons: Missionary: Impossible (#11.15)" (2000)
Homer: Greg and Amy, Greg and Amy, why don't you just *marry* Greg and Amy?
Island Native #1: [looks to other island native] I told you we should have asked them

Bart: Dad, are you licking toads?
Homer: I'm not NOT licking toads.

Bart Simpson: YOU'RE watching PBS?
Homer: I'm as surprised as you.

Betty White: You don't have the moeny do you Homer?
Homer: [shakes his head] Mm mm.
Betty White: And you thought you could just stab your problems away?
Homer: [nods his head] Mm hmm.

Homer: Hey, what happened to all the shirtless girls you see in the geographical magazines?
Island Native #1: [pointing to another island in the distance] All the naked woman are on that island.

Homer: I'm gonna teach you about religion.
Islanders: [chanting] Ooga-booga-ooga.

Homer: [runs into church] Sanctuary. Sanctuary.
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, why did I teach him that word?

[after finishing building a church]
Homer: Look at what a wonderful prison we've built for God.

Homer: Save me Jeebus!

Homer: If the Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Smithers (#7.17)" (1996)
Smithers: Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft.
Homer: Heh, heh, heh! Taft, you old dog!

Homer Simpson: Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."
Homer Simpson: [Phone Rings] Y'ello, Mr. Burns Office?
Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?

Homer: Oh, man, oh, man. We killed Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad.

Mr. Burns: I'll have my lunch now: a single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct...
Mr. Burns: Get going. And answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.

Bart Simpson: [Homer is eating fruit from a fruit basket he has received from Smithers] What'd you get that for?
Homer: For knocking Mr. Burns out of a third storey window.
Bart Simpson: Makes sense to me.
Lisa Simpson: Did he die?
Homer: What am I, a Doctor?

Homer: Mr. Burns has a mother? She must be a hundred million years old!
Smithers: She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell.

Marge Simpson: Homie, it's 4.30 in the morning. Little Rascals isn't on till 6.00.
Homer: I know. I'm taping it. I want to get to Mr. Burns' house bright and early to make his breakfast.
Marge Simpson: Oh, poor Homie. Poor, poor - -
[Falls asleep]

Bart Simpson: [Homer is asleep on the couch] Look alive, Simpson! I'm not paying you to goldbrick!
[Claps hands]
Homer: Yes! Yes, sir.
Bart Simpson: [Hands him a Math book and a pencil] Now get cracking on my long division, and don't forget to show your work, Simpson.
Homer: I'll have it on your desk in the morning, sir.
Lisa Simpson: Bart! Leave Simpson alone!
[Whispering in Homer's ear]
Lisa Simpson: Simpson, I need a ride to the library.
Homer: Yes, sir.
Marge Simpson: Kids! Stop exploiting your father! Homie, why don't you lie down and relax?
Homer: No time, Marge. I think Mr. Burns wants me to do some long division.
Marge Simpson: Simpson, lie down! Sorry, but you need a good night's rest.

Homer: [High pitched] Hello, Mr. Burns. This is your mother.
Smithers: [Whispering] No.
Mr. Burns: Guh. Oh, hello, Mater. Uh, sorry about pulling the plug on you and all. Who could have known you'd pull through and live for another five decades? Oh, is my face red!
Smithers: [Whispering] Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more desiccated. And she doesn't call her son Mr. Burns!
Homer: [Raspy] Son, this is Mrs. Burns. I just called to say, I don't love you. You are a bad son, Montel.
Mr. Burns: [Appears beside Homer] So! Impersonate my mother, will you? And you Smithers! You must have put him up to it!

Montgomery Burns: Get going! And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.
Homer: [taking notes] Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the... things. Uh... the things?
[Burns looks at him meanly]


"The Simpsons: At Long Last Leave (#23.14)" (2012)
Bart Simpson: How you doing, Mr. Assange?
Julian Assange: That's my personal information and you have no right to know about it. Hey, but we're neighbors. Would you like to come over for a movie sometime?
Marge Simpson: Is it Iraqi journalists being murdered?
Julian Assange: Don't be ridiculous. It's an Afghan wedding being bombed.
Homer Simpson: Well I have a really big secret for you.
[whispers]
Homer Simpson: I'm not wearing any underwear.
Julian Assange: You know, you should really get out less.

Marge Simpson: It says here we have to stay inside the shelter for three hours.
Homer Simpson: So if you have to fart, do it now.
Marge Simpson: Homer! What if those were your last words on Earth?
Homer Simpson: Honey, you know my last words will be "I can outrun that lion."

Lisa Simpson: Why do we have to sit here? If we leave now, we could see what the town looks deserted.
Bart Simpson: I could write whatever I want on the school chalkboard.
Lisa Simpson: I could watch a planetarium show without the second-hand marijuana.
Homer Simpson: And I could drive drunk while sober.
[Cut to Homer driving erratically]
Homer Simpson: It's fun, but not as fun.

Homer Simpson: You always assume that a big picture of us in a secret meeting we weren't invited to is a bad thing.

Homer Simpson: I always thought tar and feathered was just an expression. How are you going to pave your roads and stuff your pillows now?

Homer Simpson: If you cast us out, you will be cursed with a thousand year drought!
[Suddenly the sky becomes cloudy and start to rain]
Homer Simpson: I mean a thousand year flood.
[the clouds parts and it stops raining; a rainbow appears on the distance and a flower grows at Homer's feet]
Homer Simpson: D'oh! I mean a thousand years of perfect weather.

Homer Simpson: There's only one way out. I have to man up. Okay, manning up... Manning up... Manning...
[high-pitched whine]
Homer Simpson: Oh, girling down! Girling down!

Bart Simpson: You sure this is a good idea?
Homer Simpson: This is the Outlands, boy. Ideas aren't good or bad, they're just free.

Homer Simpson: The old homestead. Remember when we first moved in?
[talks from side of mouth]
Homer Simpson: And I talked like this?

Homer Simpson: Lisa, everyone knows dragons do not attack cars. Geez, pick up a book.
Lisa Simpson: [annoyed] I pick up books like you pick up beers!
Homer Simpson: Then you have a serious reading problem.


"The Simpsons: Last Exit to Springfield (#4.17)" (1993)
Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: [thinking] My God! He IS coming onto me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.
[chuckle]
Mr. Burns: [wink]
Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh!
Homer: [aloud] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

Mr. Burns: Now, let's get down to business.
Homer: [thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
Mr. Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking. I want to take the pressure off. Now, it doesn't take a 'whiz' to know that you're looking out for 'Number One'. Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon.

[Homer is elected union kingpin]
Homer: So what does this job pay?
Lenny: Nothing.
Homer: D'oh!
Lenny: Unless you're crooked.
Homer: WOOHOO!

Homer: [thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
Mr. Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to see that you're looking out for Number One.
[as he speaks, there is a leaky pipe dripping in the background, and Smithers pours him coffee from a pot with a long spout]
Mr. Burns: Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon!
[He gestures, knocking his coffee cup and causing some to spill into the saucer]
Homer: Oh, which way to the bathroom?

Lisa: This is your chance to get a fair shake for the working man.
Homer: And make life-long connections to the world of organized crime. Mmm... organized crime.

Carl: Welcome, brothers of Local 643. As you know, our president, Chuckie Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately. We're all prayin' he'll turn up soon, alive and well.
[everyone laughs]
Carl: All right, all right. But seriously, we have to vote on Burns' new contract. It's basically the same deal, except we get a free keg of beer for our meetings.
[everyone cheers]
Carl: In exchange for that, we have to give up our dental plan.
[Everyone cheers and rushes over to the beer keg. Lenny pours a beer]
Lenny: So long, Dental Plan!
[Lenny's and Marge's words keep repeating in Homer's head]
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
[Charlie drops a pencil into Homer's butt crack]
Carl: Bullseye!
Homer: Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I've lost my train of thought.
[back to Homer's mind]
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Homer: [finally realizing] If we give up our dental plan... I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces!

[doorbell rings]
Homer: Who is it?
Male Voice: Goons.
Homer: Who?
Male Voice: Hired goons.
Homer: [opening door] Hired Goons?
[the goons grab Homer roughly and take him away. One steps back into the doorway and shakes his tie. They take him to Burns' Mansion]
Mr. Burns: Ah, Homer. I hope "Crusher" and "Low Blow" didn't hurt you.
Homer: Y'know, you could have just called me.
Mr. Burns: Oh yes, but the telephone is so impersonal. I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons.
Homer: Hired Goons?

[Homer has a fudgesicle stuck to his back]
Homer: Hey Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back?
Lenny: All right, but this is the last time!

Homer: And I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.

Homer: Which way to the bathroom?
Mr. Burns: Twenty-third door on the left.
Homer: [looking behind each door] Nope... nope... nope... nope


"The Simpsons: Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes? (#3.24)" (1992)
[sitting in a vibrating massage chair]
Homer: Now excuse me while I kiss the sky.

Homer Simpson: Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew two thousand bucks on it, when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks.
Herb: Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?
Homer Simpson: I try, but I can't.

Herb: [about to meet Homer again] What do I say to this guy? This is the guy who ruined me! On the other hand, he's family. So many emotions, how do I express them?
Homer Simpson: [Opens the door and sees Herb] Herb?
[Herb punches him across the face, and Homer collapses to the ground]

[Homer is moping about his broken couch]
Joe Frazier: I know how you feel, Homer. You lost your couch. I lost the heavyweight championship.
Homer Simpson: [scoffs] Heavyweight championship... there's like three of those! That couch was one of a kind.

Herb: [referring to himself] How would you like to spend $2,000 to give a broken man a second chance?
Homer: Nah.

Homer: Alright, Herb, we'll give you the money. But you have to forgive me and treat me like a brother.
Herb: Nope.
Homer: Okay, then just give me the drinking bird.

Herb: Let me show you this.
[Herb sets a drinking bird mechanism on the table]
Homer: [amazed] It's drinking the water!
Herb: Take it easy, Homer. Now, this device shows how a product, carefully marketed...
Homer: This is the greatest invention in the world! You'll make a million dollars!
Herb: No, Homer, that invention is out already. Anyway ...
Homer: [chuckling] Heheheheh, it's going back for more!

[Herb is losing at Monopoly]
Herb: [aggravated] That's all I got!
Homer: [laughing] Broke again, eh Herb? Just like in real life. I guess you're just not much of a businessman.
[Herb punches Homer]

Herb: [rings Simpsons' bell] Now, what do I do? I mean, this is the guy who ruined me. Then again, he's my brother... So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?
Homer: [opens door] Herb.
[Herb punches him in the face]

Doctor: This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat.
[he looks and sees Homer eating a drumstick]
Doctor: Hey, no eating in the tank!
Homer Simpson: Go to hell.


"The Simpsons: Homer Loves Flanders (#5.16)" (1994)
Homer: This is Ned Flanders, my friend!
Carl: What'd he say?
Lenny: I dunno, something about being gay.

Homer Simpson: Don't worry, I brought my Rappin' Ronnie Reagan tape. It always makes the trip go faster.
[pops the tape in]
Ronald Reagan: [in a Reagan-like voice] Well, well, well, w-w-w-well,well, well...
Homer Simpson: [chuckles] You know something? He *did* say "well" a lot.

Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick...
Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but...
[bites]
Homer: Mmm, sacrilicious.

Homer: [singing] Nacho nacho man, I want to be a nacho man.

[Bart pulls two tickets out of his pockets]
Bart Simpson: Hey dad, sell you these for fifty bucks!
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! Sold!
[without a second thought, pulls out fifty dollars, hands it to Bart and takes his tickets. Bart happily runs out of the house]
Marge Simpson: Those aren't tickets to the game, Homer.
Homer Simpson: What do you mean? It says right here: "Free wig with every purchase of large wig. Downtown Wig Center."
[realizing he's been had]
Homer Simpson: Why, you little... !
[ponders]
Homer Simpson: Hmm, "free wig."
[imagines putting on Marge-type wig and humming]
Homer Simpson: [in Marge voice] I love you, Homie. Hmm.
[in normal voice]
Homer Simpson: Heh heh heh. I don't need her at all anymore.

[Homer is camping out to buy football tickets]
Homer: Heh-heh-heh, I did it. Second in line, and all I had to do was miss eight days of work.
Man: With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper.
Homer: In theory, yes.
[sotto voce]
Homer: Jerk.

Homer: I'd like to propose a toast to the coming together of the Simpsons and the Flanders. If this were a more perfect world, we'd all be known as the Flimpsons.

Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
TV Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

Homer: If everyone here were more like Ned Flanders, there'd be no need for Heaven, we would already be there.

Marge: [regarding a waffle on the ceiling] Homer, that's not God, that's a waffle.
Homer: [eats it] Mmm, sacrelicious.


"The Simpsons: Mayored to the Mob (#10.9)" (1998)
Mark Hamill: Hey, thanks, everybody. You know, I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see here, you stand up to save up to seventeen cents a month over the more dependable providers.
Database: Talk about Star Wars.
Homer: Shut up you stupid nerds, he's trying to save you money on long distance calls.

Mark Hamill: Homer, use the for...
Homer: The Force?
Mark Hamill: The forks, use the forks!
Homer: Oh...

Homer: Mayor? Fat Tony asked me to give you this.
[Homer grabs Mayor Quimby and kisses him]
Mayor Qumby: You moron! That's the kiss of death!
Homer: Oh, no! Wait, maybe I didn't do it right!

Homer: Password.
Bart: We just want to get a snack from the fridge.
Homer: Access denied!
Bart, Lisa: But Da...
[Homer uses a sleeper hold on Bart and Lisa knocking them out]
Marge: Homer! I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children!
Homer: They be OK in half an hour.
Marge: And another thing, I asked you to take out the garbage three days agos and it's still... ngghhh.
[Homer uses his sleeper hold on Marge]
Homer: [Homer looks at his watch] Hmm, dinner is not for another half hour. Gahhh!
[Homer uses his sleeper hold on himself and bangs his head on the dinner table while falling to the floor]

[Homer uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the school]
Homer: They're milking rats! Milking rats!
Mayor Quimby: [to Fat Tony] Rats? I'm outraged. You promised me dog or higher.

Homer: I think I saw him in Rent, or Stomp, or Clomp, or some piece of crap.

Bodyguard: Who's going to protect you?
Mayor Quimby: [points to Homer] HIM.
Homer: WOOHOO!
Marge: Homer, I don't think you were listening to what they just...
Homer: I said "WOO. HOO."

Homer: Are you sure this is a sci-fi convention? It's full of nerds!

Homer: CRAP ON A CRUST!

Homer: Why do you talk like that?
The Guy Who Always says "Yes": I had a Stroke!


"The Simpsons: Beyond Blunderdome (#11.1)" (1999)
Marge Simpson: Hey! We never opened that envelope to see what our free gift is.
Homer Simpson: We didn't? That's odd. Seems like we would have done that right after we left the car place.
Marge Simpson: I know, but we didn't.
Homer Simpson: [reaches for the envelope] Well, here it is. So we can open it and find out now.
Marge Simpson: Perfect!
Homer Simpson: [opens it] Aw, movie tickets! That hardly seems worth destroying a car!

Homer Simpson: Mel Gibson is just a guy, Marge, no different than me or Lenny.
Marge Simpson: Were you or Lenny ever named "Sexiest Man Alive"?
Homer Simpson: Hmmm... I'm not certain about Lenny...

Homer Simpson: Ah-ah-ah! Now, here's your biggest problem of all!
Mel Gibson: The filibuster scene? That was Jimmy Stewart's favorite!
Homer Simpson: And it was fine for the 1930s. The country was doing great back then. Everyone was into talking. But now, in whatever year this is, the audience wants action. And seats with beverage holders. But mainly action.

Homer Simpson: Movies aren't stupid. They fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies. Lethal Weapon showed us that suicide is funny.
Mel Gibson: That really wasn't my intention.
Homer Simpson: Before Lethal Weapon 2, I never thought there could be a bomb in my toilet, but now I check every time.
Marge Simpson: It's true. He does.
Mel Gibson: Do movies mean that much to you, Homer?
Homer Simpson: They're my only escape from the drudgery of work and family.
[to Marge and the kids]
Homer Simpson: No offense.

Edward Christian: Who are you, anyway?
Homer Simpson: Do the words "executive producer" mean anything to you?
Mel Gibson: Executive producer?
Homer Simpson: We'll talk.

Mel Gibson: Maybe this wasn't a good idea, Homer. I'm sorry I dragged you out here. Let me pay your bus fare home.
Homer Simpson: Uh, uh, uh. Now here's your biggest problem of all.
Mel Gibson: The filibuster scene? That was Jimmy Stewart's favorite.
Homer Simpson: And it was fine for the 1930s; the country was doing great back then. Everyone was into talking. But now,in whatever year this is, the audience wants action.And seats with beverage holders. But mainly action.

Homer Simpson: Did 'Braveheart' run away? Did 'Payback' run away?

[Why he prefers the original "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]
Homer: At least that Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who ran the Savings & Loan.

Mel Gibson: Come with me to Hollywood.
Homer: You had me at "hello".
Mel Gibson: I didn't say hello.

Mel Gibson: I'm too old for this.
Homer: How old are you, anyway?
Mel Gibson: Well, I'm told I can play anyone from 28 to...
Homer: Sorry I asked.


"The Simpsons: Crook and Ladder (#18.19)" (2007)
Homer: Aw, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?

Bart: Why am I sleeping, when next door is every kid's dream? A fat, easily susceptible zombie dad.
[Homer is under the effects of a sleeping pill]
Bart: Hey, zombie. Want to come outside and play?
Homer: Zombie kill.
Bart: No, play.
Homer: Zombie file grievance.

Homer: I can't wait for my first fire. Is that one?
Lisa: That's just someone barbecueing.
Homer: Oh. Is that one?
Bart: That's just a guy with red hair.
Homer: Oh.

Homer: Marge, when next you see me, I'll be a soggy, smokey hero. Mmm. Soggy, smokey hero.
Marge: Just come back alive, okay?
Homer: Don't tell me how to do my job.

Homer: [after the dog gives Maggie his squeaky toy] Good job, boy. As a reward, we're going to treat your heart murmur, and not just see how it goes.

Homer: We're not thieves. We're scavengers. Like the beautiful vulture, the heroic tapeworm, and America's sweetheart, the maggot.

Todd Flanders: Mr. Simpson, why did you hurt the dollies?
Homer: Well, son, your uncle Homer is like 80% of Americans: hopped up on prescription drugs.
Rod Flanders: But users are losers.
Homer: You're confusing drugs with "druuuugs!"

Homer: Are you a travel agent? Because you're sending me on a guilt trip.

Homer: Look at me! I'm stealing five Segways at once. And speaking of segueways, I'm off to my next morally questionable activity.

Bart: And that's just one of the many fun things we can do.
Homer: Zombie montage.


"The Simpsons: Blame It on Lisa (#13.15)" (2002)
Homer Simpson: Don't you know the boys from Brazil are little Hitlers? I saw it in a movie whose name I can't remember.

Lisa Simpson: Why must you fight with every utility?
Homer Simpson: I told you. I have too much time on my hands.

Marge Simpson: Can we have another baby?
Homer Simpson: No way! I still haven't lost the weight I put on from the last one.

Marge Simpson: It's awfully expensive to fly to Brazil.
Lisa Simpson: Not if we buy our tickets on the internet. It's really cheap if we change planes in Phoenix, Honolulu, Sun City, and East St. Louis, spend the night in a haunted house, and leave right now.
Homer Simpson: Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Brazil.
Bart Simpson: And I'll have been on every continent.
Lisa Simpson: Except Antarctica.
Homer Simpson: Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Antarctica.
[brief pause]
Homer Simpson: Next year. This year, Brazil.

Homer Simpson: Taxi!
[gets into taxi]
Kidnapper: [points gun at Homer] My American friend, I'm afraid that this is a kidnapping.
Homer Simpson: So that means I don't have to pay the fare?
Kidnapper: I... I suppose.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!

Kidnapper: Behold... the Amazon! But quick, because we are burning it down.
Homer Simpson: Listen, I really need a rest stop.
Kidnapper #2: Again?
Homer Simpson: I have a bladder the size of a Brazil nut.
Kidnapper: Uh... We just call them nuts here.

Kidnapper #2: I have sent the ransom note. If your family wants to see you alive again, they would be wise to pay.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I don't know. They've been seeing me alive for free for a long time.

Homer Simpson: Hello, Flanders. I need 100 grand.
Ned Flanders: Well, I don't really have that much, but, uh, if you need it that bad, you'll be in my prayers.
Homer Simpson: Go suck a Bible.

Lisa: I'm trying to call Janey, but I can't get a dial tone.
Marge: Your father refuses to pay the bill, so the company cut our phone lines.
Lisa: [sighs] Why must you fight every utility?
Homer: [annoyed] I told you, I have too much free time.


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Patty and Selma (#6.17)" (1995)
[Homer is a limo driver]
Homer: Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks. You know that movie, Young Frankenstein? Scared the hell out of me.
Mel Brooks: Umm, thanks.

Marge: Try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
Homer: Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes! Yes, I will hug and kiss some poisonous *snakes*!
[pause]
Homer: Now that's sarcasm.

Homer: Well, Lisa, I managed to solve a little problem today, and to celebrate, I'm going to tilt my chair
[Slants his chair back]
Homer: Mmmmmm... slanty.

Homer: Oh, how can I tell Marge we're broke? I need a miracle.
[sees smoke coming out from under the front door]
Homer: My house is on fire! Woo-hoo! Insurance to the rescue!

Homer: Marge, we had an agreement. Your sisters don't come here after six, and I stop eating your lipstick.
[quickly turns away and wipes lipstick from his teeth]

Patty: We thought we'd stop by unexpectedly for dinner.
Selma: Now bring us some extra chairs like a good blubber-in-law.
Homer: Time to fertilize the lawn; a couple of 500 pound bags should do it!
[grabs them by the neck]

[Homer has asked Moe for a loan]
Moe: Sure, Homer, I can loan you the money. However, since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.
Homer: Gee, Moe, that seems a bit extreme. Couldn't you just bash my brains in?
Moe: Are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works?
[Pulls out a sledgehammer]
Moe: Now, let's do this thing.

Homer: God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert.
Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.

Homer: [after throwing Patty and Selma out, turns to Patty] I never wanna see you again!
[turns to Selma]
Homer: You either.
[slams door]


"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
Snake: Give me my car, fatty!
Homer Simpson: What? This is my car! And I'm not fat, it's glandular!
Snake: Right.
[they start fighting over the steering wheel]

Declan Desmond: I can't believe it! Homer Simpson a bloody millionaire?
Homer Simpson: Why are you so shocked? This is our fifth take.

Mr. Burns: What are you people doing in my summer home?
Homer Simpson: This is Eduardo, our pool boy. He thinks he's an angry rich man.
Mr. Burns: I am an angry rich man!
Homer Simpson: That's the pool chemicals talking.

Declan Desmond: Are you and Marge planning on having children?
Homer Simpson: No way! You won't find a couple of rugrats tying me down.
[Cut to Homer and Marge with young Bart and Lisa]
Homer Simpson: I hope you don't use this shot after the one where I say I won't have kids, because that would be a devastating edit.

Homer Simpson: [to Mr. Burns] Please pretend you work for me. You can have the boy. Just don't beat him.
[Whispering]
Homer Simpson: You can beat him. Just don't leave marks.

Homer Simpson: It's been another 8 years, and what do I have? Same job, same house, same dirty joke book...
[looks at it and laughs a bit]
Homer Simpson: I just thought for once I could be the cool guy in your movie, but all I am is the guy who makes everyone else look good.

Homer Simpson: I will! I will be rich! I'll own a football team and a basketball team and I'll make them play baseball!

Marge Simpson: The biggest change for me over the last 8 years... that's gotta be Homer.
Homer Simpson: Marge, baby, I got a picture of you tattooed on my chest!
[he opens his shirt to reveal a skull with Marge's hairdo]
Homer Simpson: They had a sale on skulls.

Homer Simpson: All those years I was dreaming of other things, I was actually doing what I really wanted: hanging out with my family, drinking with my friends, making friends with my family and hanging with my drinking.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Pony (#3.8)" (1991)
[Homer has to buy Lisa a pony]
Millicent: Our ponies start at five thousand dollars, cash.
Homer: Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home?

Bart: How come Lisa gets a pony?
Homer: Because she stopped loving me.
Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
Homer: And I know you love me, so you don't get squat.

Homer: Look, Lisa, grown ups have a thing called money.

Homer: Moe, gimme a beer quick. I've got five minutes before the music store closes.
Moe: Why don't you just go there first?
Homer: Hey, I don't tell you how to do *your* job.
Moe: Sorry, Homer.
Homer: You know, if you tip the glass, you won't get so much foam on top.
Moe: Sorry, Homer.

Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony.
Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony.

[Homer bought Lisa a pony after Marge told him not to]
Marge: I am very upset with you.
Homer: Sounds like someone's angling for a pony of her own.

Homer: Homer sleep now.

[Homer goes to the plant credit union to get a loan to buy Lisa a pony]
Homer: Uh, I'd like to borrow $5,000.
Bank Clerk: Sorry, I can't approve a loan that size myself.
[she walks off; Mr. Burns and Smithers appear]
Mr. Burns: Hello.
Homer: Aah!
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? How can I help you?
Homer: Mr. Burns, you do this personally?
Mr. Burns: Oh, it's a hobby. I'm not in this for any personal gain, heavens no! By the way, are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?
Homer: Us-ury?
Mr. Burns: Oh, silly me! I must have just made up a word that doesn't exist. Now, what is the purpose of this loan?
Homer: I want to buy a pony.
Mr. Burns: Isn't that cute! Smithers, he's planning on joining the horsey set!
[lowers voice]
Mr. Burns: That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?
Homer: No, I need to get it for my little girl because she doesn't love me any more...
Smithers: Shut up, Simpson.
Homer: Sorry.
Smithers: Do you have any collateral?
Mr. Burns: Oh Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral. Just sign this form, and the money will be yours.
Mr. Burns: [as Homer begins to sign, Burns starts laughing evilly]
Mr. Burns: Sorry, I was just, um, thinking of something funny Smithers did today.
Smithers: I didn't do anything funny, sir.
Mr. Burns: [whispering] Shut up!

Apu: Homer, you are asleep at your post! No go change the expiration dates on the dairy products.
Homer: Yes, sir.


"The Simpsons: Homer Scissorhands (#22.20)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: One hundred dollars? Marge, how much is that in smackeroos?
Marge Simpson: A hundred.
Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

Homer Simpson: Like Mozart and Johnny Knoxville, my genius cannot be stopped.

Marge Simpson: Oh, Homer, you make my toes curl. You really know how to please a woman.
Homer Simpson: As long as I don't have to lose weight or change my pants.

Marge Simpson: Homer, thanks to your unlicensed barbery, Patty and Selma have been getting compliments all day at the DMV.
Abraham Simpson: You two look good. Open-casket good!

Homer Simpson: [Gasp] A hundred dollars! Marge, how much is that in smackeroos?
Marge Simpson: A hundred.
Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!

Lindsay Naegle: I hear this is the home of Springfield's hottest hairdresser. I need a haircut, and I need it in 3-2-1 now!
Homer Simpson: Lady, I'm not a hairdresser, I just put a new lid on a couple of trash cans.

Marge Simpson: Homie, you sure know how to please a woman.
Homer Simpson: As long as it doesn't involve losing weight or changing my pants.

Selma Bouvier: You did this? With your fat fingers and brain the size of a superball?
[Cut to cross-section of Homer's head, showing brain bouncing around until it comes out his ear and bounces away]
Homer Simpson: And stay out!

Homer Simpson: All day long it's boring, endless talk, and I have to stand there with a phoney grin plastered on my face.
Moe: [phoney grin plastered on face] Uh-huh.


"The Simpsons: Dangerous Curves (#20.5)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: How many times must I say I'm sorry?
Marge Simpson: You haven't said you're sorry.
Homer Simpson: I know. I was hoping the number would be zero.

Sylvia: My horoscope told me I would meet the man of my dreams today.
Homer Simpson: Well, a horoscope wouldn't lie to a pretty lady.

Sylvia: You want to go limbo?
Homer Simpson: You mean the dance, or the place where unbaptized babies go? Either way, I'm in.

Homer Simpson: Here we are.
Bart Simpson: A log cabin? What am I, Davy Crockett? - Also, who's Davy Crockett?
Homer Simpson: Kids, this place has very special memories for your mother and me.
Bart Simpson: Well, leaving right now will become a special memory for me!
[Lisa chuckles]
Marge Simpson: [sing-song] They have a pedal car.
Bart Simpson: [sing-song] Pedal cars suck.
Lisa Simpson: [sing-song] They're worse than walking.
Homer Simpson: [sing-song, to Lisa] I'll put a hundred bucks in your college fund.
Lisa Simpson: [sing-song] I'll take ten bucks now!
Homer Simpson: [sing-song] I'll steal it back when you're sleeping!
[gives Bart and Lisa $10 each]

Bart Simpson: Hey, knock it off back there.
Homer Simpson: But we're married.
Bart Simpson: All right, but keep it PG.
Homer Simpson: How about R?
Bart Simpson: PG-13.
Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo! Adult situations!

Patty Bouvier: I can't believe Homer ruined another family picnic.
Homer Simpson: [offended] Hey! Everybody pees in the pool!
Selma Bouvier: Not from the diving board!

Homer Simpson: I never thought I'd say this, but...
[mumbling to himself]
Homer Simpson: ... stupid Flanders.

Homer Simpson: [In a flashback to before they were married, Ned won't let Homer sleep with Marge] But I have urges!
Ned Flanders: That's just your trouser devil talking.
Homer Simpson: He's not talking, he's yelling!

Ned Flanders: Not married? And you were riding two abreast?
Homer Simpson: I wish! We were riding to a lake.


"The Simpsons: Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder (#11.6)" (1999)
Chief Wiggum: Alright smart guy, where's the fire?
Homer Simpson: Over there.
[Homer points to a fire at the police station]
Chief Wiggum: Okay, you just bought yourself a 317, pointing out police stupidity... Or is that a 314? Nah nah, 314 is a dog uh, in, no or is that a 315?... You're in trouble pal.

Lenny: Hey Carl, check out the overhead scoreboard.
Carl: [laughs] Poo... Ah, Homer. What whacky name do you want?
Homer Simpson: Are poo and ass taken?
Carl: Yeah.
Homer Simpson: Damn! Could my life get any worse?
[Burns appears on Homer's bowling ball]
Montgomery Burns: Simpson! Duhf, even for a bowler you're fat.
Homer Simpson: Hey guys, is it normal to see Burns' face on a bowling ball?
Lenny: Nnh, actually I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode.
Homer Simpson: Ugh, what a rotten day!
[Homer rolls a strike]
Lenny: Wow, a strike. Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I taking these?
[Lenny throws out his pills]

[after Homer bowls another strike]
Lenny: Hey Homer, that's four strikes in a row! You've got a perfect game going.
Homer Simpson: Really?
Carl: Careful what you say Lenny, you'll jinx him.
Lenny: Oh, right, sorry.
Lenny: Miss! Miss!... Sorry, I was calling the waitress...
[talking to waitress]
Lenny: Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke.
Homer Simpson: Lenny!
Lenny: What? I paid seven-ten for this split.
Carl: Would you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad?
Lenny: Hey, spaaare me your gutter mouth.
[Lenny gets hit in the groin with Homer's bowling ball]

[Homer takes Maggie to the beach]
Homer Simpson: See Maggie, the ocean is just like a bathtub, except instead of rubber duckies it has barracudas and moray eels.

[Homer gets pulled out to sea by a giant rip tide]
Homer Simpson: Nothing to worry about. Just a little wave. And this rip tide is certainly nothing daddy can't struggle against. Help! Help! Somebody Help!... Current too strong... I know, if I sink to the bottom I can run to the shore.
[Homer sinks to the bottom, but quickly loses energy and has to come back up]
Homer Simpson: Maggie! Call Aquaman!

Homer: I don't need your pity or your money.
[pockets money]
Ron Howard: Usually when you say that, you give the money back.

Lenny: [Homer is on his way to bowling a perfect game. Lenny calls the waitress as Homer is about to roll the ball] Miss! Miss!
[Homer looks back at Lenny]
Lenny: Sorry. I was calling the waitress.
[Homer looks back to the pins]
Lenny: Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke.
[Waitress takes banana split]
Homer: [Homer looks back at Lenny] Lenny...
Lenny: What? I paid $7.10 for this split.
Carl: Would you at least call it a banana split, you dumwad?
Lenny: Hey, spare me your gutter-mouth
[Homer throws the bowling ball at Lenny. Lenny groans in pain]

Homer: I know! If I sink to the bottom, I can run to shore.

[Homer is dressed up as a Teletubby, with a TV and a wire hanger attached to him]
Homer: Hey, Maggie. I'm Homey-Womey, the Teletubby. And, I'm all man, in case you've heard otherwise.


"The Simpsons: The Color Yellow (#21.13)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: [Researching her family tree] No, this can't be right! They're all horrible!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, the Simpson family is a long line of horse thieves, deadbeats, horse beats, dead thieves, and even a few alcoholics.
Lisa Simpson: There must have been a few good ancestors. Grandpa, don't you know any?
Abraham Simpson: Not a one! Maybe the nicest was Abigail Simpson, who you know as the Pittsburgh Poisoner.
Homer Simpson: If I were you, I wouldn't dig into the past. I lived in some of that past, and I got out for a reason.
Lisa Simpson: I won't give up! I have to know that somewhere in the muck and the mire and the Pittsburgh Poisoners, this family had a noble spark, and I will find it! Even if I have to go back to Adam and Eve.
Abraham Simpson: Oh, you mean Adam and Eve Simpson, or as you may know them, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

Grampa Simpson: [to Lisa when she looks sad] Don't cry, meat pie!

Lisa Simpson: I can't believe the Simpsons were descended from slave owners.
Homer Simpson: Me neither. For once, a Simpson in management.
Marge Simpson: Homer!

Hiram Simpson: What's for dinner tonight?
Mabel Simpson: Possum.
Hiram Simpson: Again? Why can't we ever have opossum?
Mabel Simpson: Not on your salary.
Hiram Simpson: I can't believe I buttoned my britches for this.

Abraham Simpson: I'm taking that secret to my grave, or urn, or medical college dissecting table, or wherever you're planning on dumping me.

Lisa Simpson: But why would you keep it a secret from us all these years?
Abraham Simpson: Well, how can I explain this to a young person? People of my generation were, you know...
Lisa Simpson: Racist?
Abraham Simpson: That's it!

Grampa Simpson: I warn you, sweetie. Whatever is in that journal, if it's about a Simpson, it's no good.
Grampa Simpson: Our ancestors were kicked out of Australia.

Marge Simpson: Bart, what are you going to do for Black History Month?
Homer Simpson: I know, you could march to Selma, and tell her she's ugly.

Lisa Simpson: Not only did we restore our familiy honor, it turns out we're one-fourth black.
Bart Simpson: So that's why I'm so cool.
Lisa Simpson: So that's why my jazz is so smooth.
Homer Simpson: So that's why I earn less than my white co-workers.


"The Simpsons: Viva Ned Flanders (#10.10)" (1999)
Ned Flanders: [Notepad in hand] I'm ready to learn, Homer. Just give me the topic sentence.
Homer Simpson: Give me that!
[Throws Ned's notepad out the window]
Homer Simpson: That's your problem. You're living up here.
[Points at head]
Homer Simpson: You should be living down here...
[Lowers finger an inch]
Homer Simpson: ... in the impulse zone.

Homer Simpson: What if we switched wives? Would that help?
Ned Flanders: For the last time, NO!

Ned Flanders: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "think?"
Homer Simpson: Who, Lisa?

Homer Simpson: Eat my dust, dust!

Bart Simpson: Alright here comes the implosion!
Demolition Worker: [Pushes the plunger down] Implosion, I thought you said...
Don Rickles: [Burns Casino blows up in a cloud of dust with Don Rickles flying out in the air] HOCKEY PUCK!
Homer Simpson: [as they all run from the dust] Hehe Don Rickles zinged you Marge!

Ned Flanders: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "Think"?
Homer: You mean Lisa?

Homer Simpson: [to Ned Flanders, as he locks the car doors] I think you'll find that escape is quite impossible.
Ned Flanders: [Unlocks the door] No, I got it!

Homer Simpson: [sees Justin Hayward, Graeme Edge, John Lodge and Ray Thomas] Aargh! The Moody Blues!

Homer Simpson: Well, well, so flawless Flanders needs help from stinky pants Simpson.
Ned Flanders: Haha, yeah I guess I do.
Homer Simpson: Welly, welly, welly, Mr. Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus McGee
Ned Flanders: How about it Homer, will you teach me the secrets of your intoxicating lust for life?
Homer Simpson: Wellity, wellity, wellity...
Ned Flanders: Stop that! Will you help me or not?
Homer Simpson: Let's do it.


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets an Elephant (#5.17)" (1994)
Homer: Well, these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance.
Bart: You'll have to raise my allowance to about a thousand dollars a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.

Marge: [Homer and Marge are standing with Bart's Elephant, Stampy] Oh my, it looks like it could gore.
Homer: Hee hee, it does look like Al Gore.

Homer Simpson: [after hitting a deer statue] D'oh!
Lisa Simpson: A deer!
Marge Simpson: A female deer!

Homer: Bart, with 10,000 dollars we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things, like... love!

[after Homer runs over a deer]
Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.

Homer Simpson: I just have two questions: "How much?" and "Give it to me".

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.

Marge: Homer, there's a bird on your head.
Homer: I know, Marge, he's grooming me.

Bart: [protesting outside the radio station] I want my elephant! I want my elephant!
Abraham Simpson: They're playing that elephant song again.
Jasper Beardley: I love that. Reminds me of elephants.


"The Simpsons: Homer Simpson in: 'Kidney Trouble' (#10.8)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa Simpson: Because they discovered gold right over there.
Homer Simpson: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

Marge Simpson: This should be very educational. I want you kids to pay attention.
Tour Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days; Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trail hand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
Homer Simpson: Three minutes.
[whistles]
Marge Simpson: I never realized history was so filthy!
Tour Guide: First on our tour is the whore house. Then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello, and finally the old mission.
Marge Simpson: Oh, thank heaven.
Tour Guide: Lots of prostitutes in there!

Grampa Simpson: [finishes a drink] Ah, can't get a good sasparilla like this back in Springfield. It angries up the blood.
Bartender: Heh, you like it, huh?
Grampa Simpson: Up yours!

Grampa Simpson: Am I dead yet?
Marge Simpson: No.
Grampa Simpson: How about now?
Marge Simpson: No.
Grampa Simpson: Now?
Marge Simpson: I'll tell you when you're dead, Grampa.
Grampa Simpson: Thank you.

Robot 1: Hey, these cards are marked.
[table falls]
Robot 2: Now look what you've done.
Robot 1: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Robot 3: Let's forget this whole thing happened.
Homer: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody.
[Homer smashes a bottle on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table]
Marge: What is it with you and robots?

Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
Homer: Three minutes.
[whistles]
Marge: I never realized history was so filthy.

Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there.
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

[Homer has joined a crew of "lost souls"]
Woman: We wander the seven seas trying to forget.
Homer: Forget what?
Englishman: Oh, boy, here we go.
Woman: My story of jilted love is long and bittersweet. If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go now. I don't want you walking around during my story.
Englishman: My story's better, it has tigers.

Homer: It's everybody's fault but mine.


"The Simpsons: Monty Can't Buy Me Love (#10.21)" (1999)
Mr. Burns: [asking Homer how he can let people like him] Simpson! I want to be loved again.
Homer: Well, I'll need some beer.

Burns: Uh, Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved.
Homer Simpson: I see. Well... I'll need some beer.

Marge Simpson: When was the last time we went for a good old-fashioned family walk?
Homer Simpson: Well, we stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry.
Marge Simpson: Oh, come on. Let's go for a walk. This family is getting so lazy.
Bart Simpson: I'm not lazy. I'm just... um, uh. Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Lisa Simpson: Why don't you finish your own darn...
[snores]

Homer Simpson: Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt. All this fresh air is making my hair move. And I don't know how much longer I can complain.

Marge Simpson: All this commotion just for a store?
Homer Simpson: Hey, it's not just a store, it's a megastore. Mega means good, and store means thing.

Burns: And a stunt like that impresses people?
Homer Simpson: Oh yeah, and I'm not easily impressed. Woah, a blue car!
Burns: If a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers can win people's hearts, I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time.
Homer Simpson: A sober Irishman?
Burns: Even rarer.

Mr. Burns: [after draining Lake Loch Ness, he sees something resembling it] That's it! I see the monster!
Groundskeeper Willie: [once all the water is drained] Nay! That's merely a Loch Ness discarded Homecoming float.
Homer: [they walk into the drained lake and Homer sees, STOMP ABERDEEN inscribed on it] No way! Aberdeen rules!
[the real Loch Ness Monster appears, crushes the float and roars, Mr. Burns, Homer, Groundskeeper Willie and Professor Frink all gasp. Homer looks at the Nessie like "Macarena Monster" doll, then looks at Nessie]
Homer: God, it's him!
Mr. Burns: Come on boys, overpower it.
[Groundskepper Willie, Homer, and Professor Frink walk away, whistling]
Mr. Burns: Fine. I'll do it myself.
[takes off his coat and tie and rolls up his sleeves, the next thing you know, Nessie is being held in a net under the helicopter]
Groundskeeper Willie: [in the helicopter] That was amazing, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: I was most worried when he swallowed me, but then, well, you know the rest. And now for my triumphant return to Springfield!

Homer: [after Mr. Burns got blinded by camera flashes at the unveiling of the Loch Ness Monster and accidentally set the stage on fire] If you wanted people to love you. You sure blew it with that insane rampage. But you know what? To be loved you have to be nice to people. Every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat.
Mr. Burns: You know, perhaps you're right. I got so swept up with the notion of being loved I completely forgot who I am. I'm a selfish old crank. And that fits me like a Speedo.
Homer: [the Loch Ness Monster nuzzles Mr. Burns and Homer, sort of purring] So. What do we do with our friend here? Throw him in the dumpster?
Mr. Burns: No, no, no. I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home.
Homer: [cut to the Vegas Town Casino, where The Loch Ness Monster is wearing a tuxedo and bow tie, also half the size it originally was, Homer takes the free pull on a slot machine and results "jackpot, jackpot, lemon"] Doh!
Mr. Burns: Tough luck. Simpson.
Homer: Come on Nessie, one more pull.
[Nessie kind of roars]
Homer: Okay. Okay. Want a shrimp cocktail?
[Nessie shakes its head]
Homer: Yeah. They're not great.

Homer: That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A *blue car*.


"The Simpsons: The Homer They Fall (#8.3)" (1996)
Homer Simpson: You used to be a boxer just like me?
Moe Szyslak: Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And finally, Kid Moe.

Marge Simpson: Homer, you don't know how to box, you're 38 years old, and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor.
Homer Simpson: No problemo.
[kisses her and walks off]
Marge Simpson: [realizes] A competent doctor!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Moe Szyslak: Are you man enough to test every one of your limits?
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Moe Szyslak: And are you man enough to throw a punch should the opportunity arise?
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Moe Szyslak: And are you man enough to give me a sixty percent cut?
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Moe Szyslak: I'll take it.
Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo!

Dr. Hibbert: You have an absolutely unique genetic condition known as "Homer Simpson" syndrome.
Homer Simpson: Oh, why me?

Homer Simpson: Son, there's only one thing punks like that understand: squealing. You've got to squeal to every teacher and every grown-up you can find. Coming to me was a good start.

Moe Szyslak: Who's gonna knock you down?
Homer Simpson: No one!
Moe Szyslak: When are you gonna fight back?
Homer Simpson: Never!
Moe Szyslak: What are you gonna do?
Homer Simpson: Nothing!
Moe Szyslak: That's my boy!

Marge Simpson: Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a soviet sub? A suede briefcase case? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems.
Homer Simpson: [gasping] Marge, look! "The world's best jacket." If I had this, it would show everybody!
[vengefully]
Homer Simpson: Show everybody...!

Moe Szyslak: Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with them than I did.
Homer Simpson: Gee, thanks, Moe. What's this?
Moe Szyslak: Ah, that's the barbed wire. We called that the stinger. They, uh... they don't let you use that no more.

Homer Simpson: I'll make a fortune for one night's work! We can have all the things we always dreamed of: a snooty butler, carpeted carports, those blue cupcakes they sell sometimes...
Marge Simpson: But you'll get killed!
Homer Simpson: Marge! Will you let me finish? Plug-in room deodorizers, front and rear spoilers for the car...


"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Homer: [as Poochie] Kids, always recycle... to the extreme!

June Bellamy: Relax, Homer. You'll do fine. I'm June Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy & Scratchy.
Homer: You? But you're a lady.
June Bellamy: [as Itchy] She's a lady, all right.
June Bellamy: [as Scratchy] A beautiful lady.
Homer: [laughs] Hey, that really is you. How did you get to be so good?
June Bellamy: Oh, just experience, I suppose. I started out as Road Runner.
June Bellamy: [as Road Runner] Meep!
Homer: You mean "Meep, meep"?
June Bellamy: No, they only paid me to say it once, then they doubled it on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards.
Roger Myers Jr.: You folks ready to begin?
Homer: Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live?
June Bellamy: No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.

Doug: [wearing a T-shirt that says "Genius at Work"] Hi. A question for Miss Bellamy. In episode 2F09 when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
June Bellamy: Uh, well...
Homer: I'll field this one.
Homer: [to Doug] Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
[pause]
Doug: I withdraw my question.
[takes a bite from a bar of chocolate]
Database: Uh, excuse me, Mr Simpson. On the Itchy & Scratchy CD-ROM, is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key?
Homer: What the hell are you talking about?
June Bellamy: You're a lifesaver, Homer. I can't deal with these hard-core fans.
Comic Book Guy: [clears throat] Your attention, please.
Man: [everyone is still paying attention to June Bellamy & Homer] Uh, in episode...
Comic Book Guy: [interrupting] EH, YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE! Mr Simpson will now be autographing 8-by-10 glossies of Poochie. ONE per customer. Please form a line. There will be no cutting.
[points to someone off-screen]
Comic Book Guy: I'm talking to you, Mr Cutter.

Milhouse Van Houten: [the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon is showing] When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?
[Milhouse starts whimpering]
Moe: Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on?
Moe: [to Marge] Midge, help me out here.
Homer: Quiet. You're missing the jokes.

Nelson Muntz: [after the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon ends] That stunk.
Homer: Well, what did everybody think?
[everyone starts leaving in disgust]
Ned Flanders: Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy & Chimpy I've ever seen.
Carl: Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... got a beautiful home here.
Homer: [to the rest of the Simpson family] So it was pretty okay, huh?
Bart Simpson: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner
Marge Simpson: Yes, we can.
[Marge, Bart and Lisa run upstairs]

[after Poochie the dog debuts on the Itchy and Scratchy show to a lukewarm response]
Homer: I liked it... right?
Homer's Brain: You don't wanna know what I think... Now look sad and say "D'oh!...?
Homer: D'oh!...

Doug: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is a magic xylophone, or something? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Homer: I'll field that one. Let me ask *you* a question. Why would a grown man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
[embarrassed pause]
Doug: I withdraw my question.
[starts eating a candy bar]

Homer: Is this episode going on the air live ?
June Bellamy: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's First Word (#4.10)" (1992)
Marge: Homer, I think the baby's coming.
Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?

Bart: Hey Homer, this house sucks.
Homer: Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me Daddy.

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Marge: I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Marge: Says here that Bart might get jealous of the baby.
Homer: Yeah, well Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt.

Marge: Oh Maggie, when are you going to talk?
Lisa Simpson: Well, don't push her. Remember, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer: [thinking] What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
[outloud]
Homer: Takes one to know one.
[thinking]
Homer: Swish!

Krusty the Clown: [on TV, smoking and crying] You people are pigs! I, personally, am going to spit in every fiftieth burger!
Homer: [watching] I like those odds.

Marge: We saved the newspaper from the day Lisa was born.
Lisa Simpson: [reading] Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef.
Bart: Where's the beef? What the hell does that mean?
Homer: [laughing] Where's the beef. No wonder he won Minnesota.


"The Simpsons: Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield (#7.14)" (1996)
[Homer and Mr. Burns are playing golf; Homer is in a sand trap]
Mr. Burns: For god sakes, man. Use an open-faced club. The sand wedge.
Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.

Homer Simpson: But Marge... valets! For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding "you're making a scene."

Gate Guard: Name, please.
Homer Simpson: Simpson family.
Marge Simpson: We're not poor.
[the whole family stares at her]
Marge Simpson: Well, we're not.

Bart Simpson: That place is weird. A man in the bathroom kept handing me towels, until I paid him to stop.
Homer Simpson: [holding a stack of towels] Should have held out longer, boy!

Homer Simpson: Good morning, Mr. Burns. Beautiful day to be outside, isn't it?
Mr. Burns: Rant on, Simpson, but your vainglorious boasting will only add savor to my inevitable triumph.
Homer Simpson: [pause] Yes.

Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

Mr. Burns: Use the open-faced club! The sandwedge!
Homer Simpson: Mmm... open-faced club sandwich...

Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.


"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)
[the Simpsons are in an office with two FBI men letting them know about going to the federal witness protection program]
FBI Man #1: Tell you what, Mr. Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson,at Terror Lake.Let's just practice a bit, hmmmm? So when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi.
Homer: Check!
FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly]
FBI Man #1: [pause]
FBI Man #1: Now, remember, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha!
FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer stares blankly]
FBI Man #1: [FBI men stare at each other]
[hours pass by]
FBI Man #1: [frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "Hello Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
[stepping hard on Homer's foot]
FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds]
Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he's talking to you.
[FBI man gives up]

Marge: [looking at Bart's collection of death threats] Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting.
Homer Simpson: Oh, uh, I wrote that one, after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.
[Homer drops his pants, revealing a "wide load" tattoo on his rear end. Everyone laughs]
Nelson: [outside the window] Ha ha!
Bart: But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis The Menace.
Homer Simpson: It's probably the person you least suspect.
Lisa: That's good, Dad.
Grampa: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit! It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George Guberlindsey.
Bart: Grandpa, Matlock's not real.
Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son!
Sideshow Bob: [menacing] Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right! Stay away... FOREVER!
Homer: Oh, no!
Sideshow Bob: Wait a minute. That's no good.
[walks away, then runs back]
Sideshow Bob: Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.
Marge: No!

[Homer receives a death threat letter written in blood]
Homer: Oh my God! Someone's trying to kill me! Oh, wait, it's for Bart.

[Bart has difficulty sleeping, his bedroom door opens, a sharp knife appears and man charges into the room casting a scary shadow on the ceiling]
Homer: [holding a large knife upside-down] BARTYOUWANTSOMEBROWNIEBEFOREYOUGOTOBED?
Bart Simpson: [screames] AAAAAHHHHH!
Homer: [kneels down and scary shadow disappears] Come on, let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.
Bart Simpson: [as Homer cuts the brownies] Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming into my room screaming and brandishing the butcher knife.
Homer: [stops cutting the brownies] Why?
[Homer looks at the large knife he is holding]
Homer: Oh, right. The *Sideshow Bob* thing, oh I'm sorry boy.
[Homer kisses Bart and leaves the room. Seconds later, Homer bursts into the room again wearing a white hockey mask and holding a switched on electric chainsaw, which he holds up]
Homer: BARTYOUWANTTOSEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?
Bart Simpson: [screams louder] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Homer: [turning off the chainsaw and lifting the hockey mask] Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?
[Homer kisses Bart and leaves the room]

[last lines]
Marge: [as the car pulls up in front of the house] It's so good to be home again.
Grampa Simpson: [who has somehow become a woman complete with long hair and lipstick, rushes towards the car] Look what happened without my pills!
Marge: [gasps] Bart! Run upstairs get Grampa's mecedine!
Jasper Beardly: [appears, dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
[Jasper takes his hat off and takes out a bunch of flowers and hands them to Abe]
Jasper Beardly: I wanna court this fair young maiden.
[the screen fades out in a heart shape and the credits roll]
Grampa Simpson: [to Jasper] There's something you should know about me.
Jasper Beardly: I've got Steve and Edie tickets.
Grampa Simpson: I'm all yours.
[Abe kisses Jasper]

[alternate ending]
Jasper Beardly: [appears dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
[Jasper takes his hat off and offers a bunch of flowers to Abe]
Jasper Beardly: Hey, wait till the canoe.
[Abe and Jasper are in a canoe sailing down the river]
Jasper Beardly: [singing] It won't be a stylish marriage.
Grampa Simpson: [singing] We can't afford a carriage.
Jasper Beardly: [singing] But you'll look sweet.
Jasper Beardly: [singing] Upon the seat
Jasper Beardly, Grampa Simpson: [singing] of a bycicle build for two. Of a bycicle build for two.

Homer: Hey, kids! Want to drive through that cactus patch?
Bart: Yeah!
Lisa: Yeah!
Sideshow Bob: [underneath car] No!
Homer: Well, two against one!
[drives through cactus field]
Sideshow Bob: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Connection (#6.23)" (1995)
Homer: But Marge, you being a cop makes you the man. Which makes me the woman. And I have no interest in that. Besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Homer: Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower-middle-class types. So avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone.
Snake: Three card monte.
Homer: Woo hoo! Easy money!

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie "Spaceballs." But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy."

Homer: [gasps] A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole! I'm gonna tell everybody!
[starts to leave. Herman pulls a gun on him]
Herman: Not so fast.
[Homer walks slower]
Homer: Okay.
Herman: Maybe you should just stop altogether.

[Lenny is dealing cards while Homer plays with Marge's radar gun]
Homer Simpson: Hurry it up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at two miles per hour.
Lenny: Come on, put that away. Those radar guns give ya cancer.
Homer Simpson: All the more reason for you to hurry up. Hey, what could be going a hundred miles per
[Lenny slugs Homer]
Homer Simpson: Oww!

[Marge has foiled Herman's counterfeit jeans ring]
Chief Wiggum: That's some nice work, Simpson. But I'm afraid we can't hold them. There's no evidence.
Homer Simpson: Yes there is, there's a garage full of counterfeit jeans.
Chief Wiggum: They've uh... mysteriously disappeared.
[All the cops at the crime scene start wearing the counterfeit jeans]
Chief Wiggum: Lookin' good boys!

Marge: [thinking] Everywhere I look, someone is breaking the law. Dog, no leash. Man, littering. Horse, not wearing diaper. Car parked across three handicap spaces...
[out loud]
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Hey, Marge. How's my little piglet?
Marge: Homer, I'm on duty.
Homer: [chuckles] That's OK, I'm supposed to be working, too.
Marge: You have to move your car.
Homer: I'll just be a second, Marge, I'm going to get some beer for those kids over there.
[Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney all give the thumbs-up]
Marge: I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that, but you have to move your car, now.
Homer: I'll be right back. Now keep your eyes peeled for a real cop.
Marge: Oh, that's it! I'm going to write you a ticket.
Homer: But Marge, we're family!
Marge: You're breaking the law.
Homer: I'll make you a deal: you rip up that ticket and I'll give you back your hat.
[snatches it]
Marge: Hey!
[Homer dances around, wearing her cap. As Marge grabs for it, a crowd assembles to watch]
Marge: Homer, taking an officer's cap is an arrestable offense.
Homer: Ooh, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do, huh? "Ooh, I'm officer Marge, I'm going to arrest you...!"
[Marge snaps handcuffs on him]
Homer: Wha-what? Marge, not here! Hey... you're not really arresting me?
Marge: [replacing her cap] You have the right to remain silent.
Homer: I choose to waive that right.
[freaks out]
Homer: WAAAAAAAGGH! WAAH, WAAAAH!

Homer: Hmm. I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage?
Moe Szyslak: The "garage"? Hey fellas, the "garage"! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man.
Homer: Well what do you call it?
Moe Szyslak: A car hole!


"The Simpsons: Bart the Genius (#1.2)" (1990)
[playing Scrabble]
Bart: Kwyjibo: K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points. Plus, triple-word score, plus fifty points for using all my letters... Game's over, I'm outta here.
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere 'til you tell me what a Kwyjibo is.
Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh, a big dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big dumb balding ape!
Bart: Uh oh, Kwyjibo on the loose!

[after Bart turned himself green in a science accident]
Homer: Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

Homer: What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Homer: Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of these.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.

Bart: [at an opera - Bart & Homer are bored] "It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings."
Homer: That one fat enough for ya?

Homer: You can't stay in there forever!
Bart: I can try!
Homer: March your butt out here right now!
Bart: No way, man!
Homer: [sweet] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you, and make you feel all better.
Bart: You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that? I'm insulted!

Homer: Sorry, son. Your mom got us tickets to a snooty movie directed by some Swedish meatball.

Lisa Simpson: Yeah mom, hurry up!
Marge: Alright, hmm how about, he? Two points. Your turn dear.
Homer: Hmmm, how could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters?
[camera pans down to show the word oxidize]
Homer: Oh wait, here's a good one, do.
Lisa Simpson: [Lisa places an I on top of the D in do] Id triple word score!
Homer: Hey, no abbreviations.
Lisa Simpson: Not I.D. dad id! It's a word!
Bart: As in this game is stupid.
Homer: Hey, shut up boy.
Lisa Simpson: Yeah Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities for your big aptitude test tomorrow.
Marge: We could look this id thing up in the dictionary.
Homer: We've got one?
Marge: I think it's under the short leg of the couch.
[Homer lifts up couch and gives the dictionary to Lisa]
Lisa Simpson: Id, along with the ego and the superego one of three components of the psyche.
Homer: Get out of here!
Bart: My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters! Game's over I'm outta here.


"The Simpsons: Brawl in the Family (#13.7)" (2002)
[playing Monopoly]
Lisa Simpson: These hotels are made of LEGOs. Bart, you're cheating!
Marge Simpson: Lisa, it was probably an accident.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, sure. You take his side, just because he bought you that house on St. James Place.
Bart Simpson: Who else is going to take care of her? Dad?
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[Homer starts strangling Bart]
Marge Simpson: Stop fighting!
[Marge starts strangling Homer]
Lisa Simpson: Mom, that's not how you pry them apart.
[Lisa grabs Bart's arm and tries to pull him away from Homer]
Marge Simpson: I've been prying them apart since before you were born!

[Homer thinks Gabriel is an angel]
Homer: Gabriel, this is a bar where they serve beer, which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia.
Gabriel: Homer, I'm not an angel.
Homer: Well, not with that attitude.

Homer: I'm gonna come back with the best gift a husband can get a wife- an annulment from his secret wife.

Abe Simpson: [to Homer] You know, I have a son about your age.

[Ginger wakes up next to Abe]
Ginger: Wha?
Abe Simpson: Good morning, honey.
Ginger: Who are you?
Abe Simpson: I'm your husband. We got married yesterday.
Ginger: But, how? We didn't?... You know. Did we?
Abe Simpson: You know, we almost didn't. But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer.

Homer: [drunk] See, the thing about my family is there are five of 'em: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one that doesn't talk, and the fat guy. Oh, how I loathe him.

Homer Simpson: Okay, why are we in the woods? Is this Heaven?

Homer Simpson: Aah, the sweet couple of seconds before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn.


"The Simpsons: He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs (#19.1)" (2007)
[the family runs into the house and find Plopper the Pig sitting on the couch. The family sits down and Homer happily cradles him]
Homer Simpson: My summer love.
Plopper: Oink.

Homer Simpson: [after picking Mr. Burns out of a water fountain] Hey... you're not a penny!

Mr. Burns: You saved my life. There must be something I can do for you.
Homer's Brain: A cookie! No, a car! No, a cookie!
Mr. Burns: You're getting a free dinner...
Homer Simpson: Gasp!
Mr. Burns: ...with...
Homer Simpson: Yeah?
Mr. Burns: ...me!
Homer Simpson: Me? But that's you!

Homer Simpson: [after giving the pilot the money] Sempher Fudge.
Pilot: Did you just say Sempher Fudge?
Homer Simpson: No I said the right thing.

Marge Simpson: You smell like Chicago. Did you go there in a commercial plane?
Homer Simpson: No way! Commercial planes are for losers and terrorists. I went in a private plane.
Marge Simpson: Was there any difference?
Homer Simpson: Are you kidding? It's the difference between champagne and carbonated pee.

Homer Simpson: I don't need a shrink, therapist, consultant or motivational speaker.
Colby Krause: I'm a life coach.
Homer Simpson: Ooh, tell me more.

Marge Simpson: What are you doing? You don't know how to fly a plane!
Homer Simpson: I once drove a car off a cliff. How hard can it be? Hmm, what's the ocean doing up in the sky?

Homer Simpson: Oh, what's the point of putting on my socks? I'd just have to take them off again a week later.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Triple Bypass (#4.11)" (1992)
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
Homer Simpson: Say it in English, Doc!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: You're going to need open-heart surgery.
Homer Simpson: Spare me your medical mumbo jumbo!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Homer Simpson: Could you dumb it down a shade?

Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
Homer: I can't wait until they throw his hatless butt in jail.

Marge: Can't you do something for him?
Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
Homer: What an age we live in.

Homer: Ok, we need 40,000 dollars. How much do we have in the checkbook?
Marge: 70 dollars.
Homer: Have we deposited any 40,000 dollar checks that haven't cleared yet?
Marge: No.

[Homer collapses in Mr. Burns' office. His spirit begins to rise up from his body]
Smithers: Mr. Burns, I think he's dead.
Mr. Burns: Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow.
Homer Simpson: Mmm... ham.
[Homer's spirit returns to his body]
Smithers: No, wait - he's alive!
Mr. Burns: Oh, good. Cancel the ham!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Lisa Simpson: [in Sunday School] My dad is very sick. What's going to happen if he dies?
Sunday School Teacher: Well, if he's been good, he'll go to Heaven.
[writes "Heaven" on the board]
Sunday School Teacher: In Heaven, you get to do whatever you like best, all the time.
[Lisa imagines Homer as an angel in heaven, lying on a cloud]
Homer Simpson: Cloud goes up, cloud goes down, cloud goes up, cloud goes down...
[cut to Homer's hospital room]
Homer Simpson: Bed goes up, bed goes down, bed goes up, bed goes down...

Mr. Burns: Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...
Homer Simpson: Whew...
Mr. Burns: ...and goodbye! You're fired!
[Homer gags, his heart pounds]
Homer Simpson: W
Mr. Burns: ...at goofing off! Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...
[Homer's heart slows down]
Mr. Burns: ... a grave for!
[Homer's heart beats even faster]
Mr. Burns: Your indolence is inefficacious!
[Homer stares blankly; heart beats normally]
Mr. Burns: That means, you're terrible!
[Homer collapses]


"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Krust (#9.15)" (1998)
[Homer walks into the bathroom to use the lavatory]
Bart Simpson: Dad!
Homer: [laughs] Whoops, sorry son. I didn't know you, Jay Leno, and a monkey were bathing a clown.

Bart Simpson: What do we need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Homer Simpson: Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him!

Steven Wright: I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.
[the entire audience, except Homer, laughs]
Homer Simpson: I don't get it.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, the zebra didn't do it, it's just a word at the end of the dictionary.
Homer Simpson: I still don't get it.
Lisa Simpson: It's just a joke.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I get it! I get jokes!
[laughs]

Janeane Garafolo: I got my period today.
Marge Simpson: [spits out her drink in shock] Oh, good lord!
Janeane Garafolo: Plus I got a new boyfriend, and you know how it is when you're kissing a guy with a tongue stud.
Homer Simpson: [laughing hysterically] Yes! Yes! Oh God, yes!
[thumps his fists loudly on the table, while he laughs]

Homer Simpson: From now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs!
Bart Simpson: Dad!
Homer Simpson: You too, Bart!
Marge Simpson: Oh, knock it off, Homer, you're the fattest one in the car!
Homer Simpson: [shocked, hurt] You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge!

Bart Simpson: And then of course there's Mom who sounds something like this.
[Bart ties a blue blanket around his head to resemble Marge's hair]
Bart Simpson: [in a shaky voice] Eat your vegetables. Take a sweater. I don't think that's a good idea.
[groans]
Homer Simpson: [Homer and Lisa laugh] Take that, Marge!
[Marge groans]

[Driving home from Krusty's comedy show]
Homer Simpson: From now on, I'm going to be just like Krusty and tell it like it is! Marge, you're getting a little fat around the thighs.
Bart: Dad!
Homer Simpson: You too, Bart.
Marge: Oh Homer, be quiet, you're the fattest person in this car.
Homer Simpson: Aw... you didn't have to tell it like it is.

[Moe turns his bar into a comedy club]
Marge: Four drink minimum?
Homer: I'll cover you, honey.


"The Simpsons: Brother's Little Helper (#11.2)" (1999)
Principal Skinner: I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son
Marge Simpson: [gasps]
Principal Skinner: Unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous...
Homer Simpson: Candy bar?
Principal Skinner: No. It's a new drug called Focusyn.
Marge Simpson: A drug? I know Bart can be rambunctious, but he's not some hyperactive monster.
[Bart appears outside the window, dressed as a cheerleader]
Bart Simpson: Gimme an F! Gimme an art!
Principal Skinner: Good Lord! He's gotten into the pep closet!
Homer Simpson: I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.

Bart Simpson: I don't wanna take drugs.
Homer Simpson: Sure you do. All your favorite stars have used drugs. Brett Butler, Tim Allen...
Marge Simpson: Tommy Lee...
Homer Simpson: Andy Dick...
Bart Simpson: He's just flamboyant.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, and I'm a size four.

Marge Simpson: Hmm?
[reads a note taped to her chair]
Marge Simpson: "Thank you in advance for a world class meal. You're an inspiration to our entire organization. Thank you again, Bart." Oh, what a thoughtful gesture.
Bart Simpson: Cost of paper: five cents. A mother's love: priceless.
Marge Simpson: Aw.
Homer Simpson: Do I get a card?
Bart Simpson: No, but here's a book called "Chicken Soup for the Loser" that gave Bill Bruckner the courage to open a chain of laundromats.
Homer Simpson: Hmmm... my career has kind of lost momentum.

Marge Simpson: Bart's so well-behaved now. Maybe you and I can have a night out.
Homer Simpson: Ooh! Let's go to the water park! My ten-year ban ended yesterday.
Marge Simpson: I was thking of something a little more... adult.
[whispers]
Homer Simpson: Oh, Marge!
Marge Simpson: And then afterwards...
[whispers some more]
Homer Simpson: Hee-hee, hee-hee! Really? With butterscotch on it?
Marge Simpson: I think you misheard me.

Principal Skinner: Thank you for coming.
Homer Simpson: Thank you for getting me out of work.

Bart: Here Homer I got you this book "Chicken Soup for the Loser".
Homer: Hmmm is it any good?
Bart: I don't know but it inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of Laundromats.

Lisa: I'm so glad you're home. Bart's acting funny.
Homer: "Ray J" funny or "O.J." funny?

[Homer and Marge have been called in to the school to talk to Principal Skinner]
Principal Skinner: Thank you for coming.
Homer: Thank you for getting me out of work.


"The Simpsons: The Greatest Story Ever D'ohed (#21.16)" (2010)
Ned Flanders: Homer, our Bible study group is going to the Holy Land. I would like to invite you and your family to come as my guests.
Homer Simpson: Let's see: go to a war zone with a busload of religious lame-os, in a country with no pork and a desert with no casinos. Where do I sign up?
Marge Simpson: Homer, I can hear your sarcasm from inside the house, and the dishwasher is on. What's going on?
Lisa Simpson: Mr. Flanders is inviting us to Israel. I think he's trying to get dad into Heaven.
Bart Simpson: Great, more Hell for me.

Ned Flanders: Homer, could you please turn off the camera?
Homer Simpson: If you ask me like Dracula.
Ned Flanders: Homer...
Homer Simpson: Please, please, please?
Ned Flanders: Blah!
Homer Simpson: [shoots video] That's going on StupidFlanders.org.

Bart Simpson: [Reading prayers from the Wailing Wall] Sad. Sad. Sad. Not gonna happen. Sad. Sad. Maybe if you're Brad Pitt.
Homer Simpson: What are you doing, boy?
Bart Simpson: Reading prayers and ignoring them, just like God.

Homer Simpson: It's so cool here in the Tomb of the Unknown Savior.
Ned Flanders: Unknown? He's the most famous person who ever lived!
Homer Simpson: Porky Pig?
Ned Flanders: Porky Pig isn't a person! He's a pig, and he's not even a real pig!
Homer Simpson: But he is buried here, right?

Marge Simpson: Homer, you're alive!
Homer Simpson: More than alive, woman. I am the Chosen One. I shall unite all the faiths of the Holy Land! I am the Messiah!
Marge Simpson: But you have all our passports, right?
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah. Gotta keep track of those. The Messiah!... has the passports.

Homer Simpson: [Preaching at the Dome of the Rock] I will unite the Christians, the Muslims and the Jews. From now on, you shall be known as Chrismujews!
[Crowd murmurs disapprovingly]
Homer Simpson: Because in the end, aren't all religions the same? They tell us what to eat, when to pray, that this lump of clay called Man can somehow shape himself to resemble the divine. But we can never attain that perfect grace if we have hatred in our hearts.
Ned Flanders: I did it. I finally reached him.
Homer Simpson: So let us celebrate our commonalites. Some of us don't eat pork. Some of us don't eat shellfish. But we all eat chicken.
Muslim: I roast it in a haline.
'In a soup, you can boil it': In a soup, you can boil it.
Homer Simpson: So spread the word: peace and chicken!
Crowd: Peace and chicken!

Homer Simpson: [to Lawrence of Arabia theme] Thirsty! / I am so thirsty! /And hungry and horny / But mostly just thirsty!

Cucumber: You have been chosen, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Chosen for what, oh mighty Gerkin?


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 1 (#6.25)" (1995)
Homer: [gets a package that has to be sent out but returns it to Mr. Burn's office] Here's your package, Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns: My name is the return address! Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
Homer: [thinking] I've worked here for 10 years and my boss doesn't even know my name! Well, that's going to change right now!
Homer: My name is Homer J. Simp...
[Homer gets hit on the head with a weight that says 1000 Grams]
Mr. Burns: Hm, sounded large when I ordered it. I don't think I should bother with these metric booby traps!

Lisa Simpson: [on the phone] Oh, no! That's awful, Mr. Puente. What? Oh, he owns the nuclear power plant. Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash, too.
[hangs up the phone]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns?
Homer: Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank-you card.
Lisa Simpson: Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.
[Homer looks at the card and lowers it slowly; his pupils shrink in anger]
Homer: Kids, would you step outside for a second?
[Bart and Lisa run outside as Homer stands up]
Homer: [inhales deeply] F...
[church organ plays a chord, birds fly away and everyone looks at the Simpson house]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!

Marge Simpson: I must say, Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate - selfish, even.
Bart Simpson: Burns needs some serious boostafazoo, right Dad?... Dad?... Homer!
Lisa Simpson: [Bart pulls paper away to reveal Abe]
[Abe, Bart Lisa all scream]
Lisa Simpson: Sorry, Grampa. It's just that for a second it looked like Dad had melted.
Abe Simpson: Well, get used to it, 'cause I'm living here now. I ain't going back to the retirement home until they fish my bed out of that sinkhole.

Marge Simpson: Strained carrots for Maggie, strained carrots for Grampa.
Abe Simpson: [Whining] I want a bib too!

Abe Simpson: Hey, the lamp's running away!
Bart Simpson: That's my dog, man!
Abe Simpson: So long, lamp.

Abe Simpson: [Bart finds Grampa's gun] That's my old Smith and Wesson. If you're gonna play with it, be careful, 'cause its loaded.
Marge Simpson: [Walking in] Argh! Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house.
Abe Simpson: [Marge takes the gun away] How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through that door?
Marge Simpson: I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it.
[Walks out]
Abe Simpson: Geesh! You should have fired into the air. She would have run off!

Mayor Quimby: People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it.
Quimby's Aide: [Whispers] Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.
Mayor Quimby: Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor.
Smithers: [Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up]
[Crying]
Smithers: Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to... a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!
Doctor Hibbert: Oh, dear God!
Smithers: Eh, it's not that bad. I never miss Pardon My Zinger.
[Ned wraps a blanket around him]
Groundskeeper Willie: Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.
Abe Simpson: Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines.
Crazy Old Man: You bastard!

Moe Szyslak: I lost my bar!
Barney Gumble: I lost his bar!
Lisa Simpson: He robbed the school of music!
Principal Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito!
Homer: He can't remember my name!
Marge Simpson: He's causing us all to yell!
[Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]
Bart Simpson: Look what he did to my best friend!
[Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies]
Bart Simpson: No, my dog!
[Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?


"The Simpsons: Father Knows Worst (#20.18)" (2009)
Homer Simpson: [depressed] I tried to fix the kids' lives, but instead I led them to rich and rewarding personal decisions of their own.

Homer Simpson: Ooh, lamb kebab!
[he eats the kebab]
Homer Simpson: Ooh, chicken kebab!
[he eats it, as well]
Homer Simpson: [grabbing a lit fire juggling stick] Ooh, fire kebab!
Lisa Simpson: Dad, no!
Bart Simpson: [cutting in front of Lisa] Dad, yes!

Homer Simpson: [Watching Bart and Lisa at school] My son is a loser, and my daughter is a loner. Way to go, Marge!

Marge Simpson: Here, Homer. Have some beets. I boiled all the red out of them.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I can still taste undercurrents of pink.
Lisa Simpson: Here, dad. Maybe this will help.
Homer Simpson: It feels like food, but it has no flavor whatsoever! What is it?
Lisa Simpson: Mac and cheese from the school cafeteria. The blandest food known to man.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, if I join a clique, I'd become someone I hate.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, our country was founded by a clique, the Continental Congress. Dolphins live in cliques. Those are my two examples.
Lisa Simpson: Those are good examples.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, I don't want to hurt people.
Homer Simpson: Very well. I guess you don't need this big girl book.
Lisa Simpson: I'm a big girl!

Homer Simpson: I'm a good father to both my children.
[to Maggie]
Homer Simpson: Well, hello there. Who do you belong to?

Homer Simpson: Black Hawk Down! Black Hawk Down!


"The Simpsons: Dangers on a Train (#24.22)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Just call me Borders Books, because I'll be here forever.

Homer Simpson: I've only had three good ideas in my life: marrying your mother, using a hot-dog as a straw, and taking her on that train ride on our first anniversary.

Marge Simpson: He can't remember our wedding anniversary, but he remembers how many pork chops are on the freezer.
Homer Simpson: [Taking a pork chop from the freezer] Currently, zero.

Marge Simpson: I bet Homer is in that bar getting hammered.
[Cut to Homer at Moe's working on the train; Barney accidentally hits his thumb with a hammer]
Homer Simpson: Ow! All worth it for Marge.

Homer Simpson: I've been working on the railroad, all the live-long day...
Marge Simpson: Why are you singing that song?
Homer Simpson: Because it's on the public domain?

Homer Simpson: Do you think we'll last another 25 years?
Bart Simpson: [Looks at camera] Nothing should.

Ramona: So you're the maneater Hall and Oates warned us about?
Homer Simpson: Hall and Oates? What's going on here?
Ramona: Your wife and my husband have been watching British television together.
Homer Simpson: [Grabs Ben by the lapels] Serious drama or naughty comedy?
Marge Simpson: Drama! Drama!
Homer Simpson: You just dodged a bullet, sugar lips.

[first lines]
Marge Simpson: Our first year as a married couple and we're still in love.
Homer Simpson: In your face, those who said we couldn't last a year!
Grampa: I stand by my wedding toast!


"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Maybe (#21.11)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: With you at my side, this toast will do just what it's supposed to: steal focus from the bride.

Homer Simpson: Here I have all this money, and I can't even use it to help the woman who gave birth to me.
Barney Gumble: Why don't you buy stuff for your family and leave it where they can find it?
Homer Simpson: That's brilliant! Just for that, you can help yourself to anything from this tree.
Barney Gumble: But that's not the money tree.
Homer Simpson: This is the tree where I hide my adult magazines.
[Barney reaches inside, pulls out issues of The Economist]
Barney Gumble: Whoa!

Bart Simpson: You should treat yourself. You work hard for us, or at least you're out a lot.
Homer Simpson: You're right. I have been acting like Telethon Jerry Lewis, when I should have been acting like rest-of-the-year Jerry Lewis.

Moe Szyslak: Not so fast. Don't forget my cut.
Homer Simpson: What cut?
Moe Szyslak: Oh, I just go around saying that hoping it's applicable. Well, off I go again.

Bart Simpson: Question: who says potahto?
Homer Simpson: Songwriters who are stuck on lyrics.

Lisa Simpson: I can buy a digital converter for you.
Grampa Abraham Simpson: Great! You can use the money we would have given to televangelists.
Lisa Simpson: That's a lot of money. How long has the TV been out?
Jasper: Ten minutes.

Lenny Leonard: Homer's got a girlfriend!
Homer Simpson: She's not my girlfriend. She's a girl I used to go out with and then married who used to be my friend.

Homer Simpson: Could you use someone like me in your band?
Chris Martin: Sure, Homer. Come on up, you can play tambourine.
Homer Simpson: I said someone like me, I didn't say me.


"The Simpsons: Pygmoelian (#11.16)" (2000)
Homer: Moe, the new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture.
Moe: Oh, boy! Move over liquor license.
[takes the license of the wall]
Lenny: [examining the license] Hey, Moe, this license expired in 1973, and it's only good in Rhose Island... and it's signed by you!
Moe: Yeah, yeah. I've been meaning to get that updated, uh, for this state and... real.

Moe: Aw, c'mon, look at me. I'm a gargoyle. What with the cauliflower ear, there, and the lizard lips...
Carl: Little rat eyes...
Homer: Caveman brow...
Lenny: Don't forget that fish snout.
Moe: Okay, I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at.
Lenny: Or listen to.
Carl: Or be with.

Moe: Homer, did you hear that? She called me handsome. Me! It's like I've gone to Heaven.
[worried]
Moe: Wait a minute. I died on the operating table, didn't I?
Homer: Heh, heh, heh, heh. Yeah, bu just for a minute. It's a funny story. I'll tell you sometime.

Moe: I didn't bring you back to life so you could make a fool of me at the club!
Homer: [reading from a script] You don't love me! The only thing you love is your ear, nose, and throat pavilion.
Moe: I've dedicated my life to diseases of the head holes, but the one hole I've never been able to fix is the one in my soul.
Homer: That was amazing, Moe. I'm actually a little turned on.

Moe: Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.
Homer: I know what you mean. Our dog had that.

Moe: And what do you have to tell us O Angel of the Future?
Homer: [dressed as an angel] You're going to die in a sky-diving accident.
Moe: How tragic! Tell me more.
Homer: Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists... with sexy results.
Moe: Ooh! That's unexpected. What else?
Homer: Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team... with sexy results.

[first lines]
Homer: Good work, everyone. We're sure to be first in line for "Duff Days."

Homer: Well, it's time to get some closure.
[vengefully]
Homer: *Extreme* closure.


"The Simpsons: Blood Feud (#2.22)" (1991)
Homer: Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats.
Bart: Yeah, Mom. We got hosed!
Homer: [slams fist on table and shouts] Bart!

Homer: Bart, I'm not asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy. You may not realize it now, but when you save a rich guy's life, he showers you with riches. Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?
Bart: Is it a Bible story?
Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo. Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches.
Bart: How did a lion get rich?
Homer: It was the olden days.
Bart: Oh.

Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Post Office Worker: Okay. What's your first name, Mr. Burns?
Homer: ...I don't know.

Marge Simpson: We got exactly what we wanted out of this: we gave an old man a second chance.
Homer: I promised my boy one simple thing: lots of riches. And that man broke my promise!

Homer: Marge, quick, what's my blood type?
Marge Simpson: A-positive.
Homer: Aw, nuts!
Lisa Simpson: You know his blood type? How romantic!
Marge Simpson: A mother knows everything about her family.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, yeah? What's my shoe size?
Marge Simpson: 4-B.
Bart: How many teeth do I have?
Marge Simpson: Sixteen permanent, eight baby.
Lisa Simpson: Rings?
Marge Simpson: I don't want you wearing rings, it looks cheap. But three.
Homer: How many hairs on my head? Without looking!
Marge Simpson: Oh, Homie, you have lots of hair.
Lisa Simpson: Earmuff?
Marge Simpson: XM.
Bart: Allergies?
Marge Simpson: Butterscotch and imitation butterscotch.
Bart: And...?
Marge Simpson: Glow-in-the-dark monster makeup.
Bart: Ooh, impressive.

Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing! Just a big, scary rock!
Bart: Hey, don't knock the head, man.
Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded! The moral of the story is that a good deed is its own reward!
Bart: But we got a reward, the head is cool!
Marge: Well, then maybe the moral is, no good deed goes unrewarded.
Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter we wouldn't have gotten anything.
Marge: Mmmm... then I guess the moral is, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Lisa: Maybe there is no moral, Mom.
Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
Homer: Amen to that.
[the whole family laughs]

[looking at a giant stone head Mr. Burns has had delivered to the Simpson house]
Homer: Marge, what does it do?
Marge: It doesn't do anything.
Homer: Marge, really, what does it do?
Marge: Whatever it does, it's doing it right now.

Bart: [about Homer's insulting letter to Mr Burns] The last place I saw it...
Homer: Uh-huh...
Bart: Was in my hand...
Homer: Yeah...
Bart: As-I-was-shoving-it-into-the-mailbox.
Homer: [shouting] D'oh!
[upset]
Homer: Why did you *do* that?
Bart: Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you, you're an emotional guy. Just because you were mad last night, there's no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning, so I figured...
Homer: I'll show you mad in the morning!
[starts strangling Bart]


"The Simpsons: Replaceable You (#23.4)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: And best of all, I got the funding for the Homer Humiliator.
[Cut to Homer standing by the Homer Humiliator, which hits him in the face with a pie and kicks him in the groin]
Homer Simpson: Oh, why would a Homer Humiliator do this to me?

Homer Simpson: I learned something today. Did you know that my work is the reason I get those checks every week? And now that I've been demoted, those checks have gotten smaller. Not in physical size, but in...
Marge Simpson: I know!

Roz: Who told you?
Homer Simpson: I won't say, but his initials are S.F.
Roz: Stupid Flanders!

Homer Simpson: [meeting Roz] A woman of stature!

Abraham Simpson: Second place isn't the worst thing. Look at poor Jasper. His wife died, his children don't call, soon he'll be nothing but bones and beards.

Ned Flanders: If you have the stones, I can show you how to slay this Gal-iath.
Homer Simpson: Are you aware that stones means man junk?
Ned Flanders: It does? I've been using it around the boys!
[faints]

Roz: I want a list of 100 ways to make your life worse by the end of work today.
Homer Simpson: Can one of the ways be making the list?
Roz: No.
Homer Simpson: Can some of them be callbacks to earlier ones?
Roz: Also no.
Homer Simpson: Ohh!

Homer Simpson: Oh, Flanders! You're my personal savior!
Ned Flanders: Well, now, I don't approve of...
Homer Simpson: [Bows down] Hail Flanders! Mightier than Jesus!


"The Simpsons: A Midsummer's Nice Dream (#22.16)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: Who the hell are Cheech and Chong?
Homer Simpson: Who's Cheech and Chong? They were the Beavis and Butthead of their day.
Bart Simpson: Who's Beavis and Butthead?
Homer Simpson: Oh, I've failed as a parent! I swore the day you were born that you would appreciate stoner comedy.

Homer Simpson: My time getting wasted was not wasted!

Cheech Marin: How would you like to be the new Chong?
Homer Simpson: Could I meet Dave?
Cheech Marin: There is no Dave.
Homer Simpson: Then could I meet Don Johnson?
Cheech Marin: It would be easier for you to meet Dave.

Marge Simpson: And remember, don't indulge in any sin except gluttony. Save lust and rage for me and the kids.
Homer Simpson: Relax, sweetie. I'm gonna come back so horny and angry.

Grampa Simpson: Who has disturbed my tomb?
Lisa Simpson: Grampa, you're not dead.
Grampa Simpson: Then wake me up when I am.

Homer Simpson: I can't do reefer humor. I'm a drunk. Two different animals!

Homer Simpson: I can't believe I'm in Cheech and Chong's van, the van made out of weed!
Cheech Marin: This van is not made of weed.
Homer Simpson: Then what's it made of? Hash? 'Shrooms? Lysergic acid diethylamide?
Cheech Marin: No, the van is just made out of... van.
Homer Simpson: Ohhh!

Homer Simpson: When do we go on wacky adventures?
Cheech Marin: That's just the movies, man.
Homer Simpson: Can we at least get some French fries?
Cheech Marin: Too high in trans-fats.
Homer Simpson: Oh, stop speaking Spanish!


"The Simpsons: Bart vs. Australia (#6.16)" (1995)
Homer: When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, for as the old saying goes, "Let your children run wild and free."

Bart: Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Pfff. That's no reason to block the TV.

[looking at Uruguay on a map]
Homer: Heehee. Look at this country. "You are gay."

Homer: What kind of sick country would kick someone with a giant boot?
Conover: Mr. Simpson, shush! Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense. It's one of their proudest traditions.

U.S. Ambassador: Good news, we've worked out a compromise that will allow both nations to save face.
Conover: We've argued them down to... a booting.
Homer, Marge, Bart: WHAT?
U.S. Ambassador: The Prime Minister just wants to kick Bart once, through the gate, with a regular shoe.
Conover: I believe it's a wing tip.

[while fleeing the Australian mob, Bart spies a pair of kangaroos]
Bart: Hey, we can escape in their pouches!
[they start to jump inside, then stop]
Bart: Eww... it's not like in the cartoons.
Homer: Yeah, there's a lot more mucous.

[at an American embassy]
Homer: [points to guard] Hey, look. You're one of those guards like at Buckingham Palace. I can do whatever I want, and you can't do anything.
[starts dancing and pulling stupid faces]
U.S. Marine: [punches Homer in the face] No, sir. United States Marine Corps, sir.

Bart: [Climbing into a kangaroo's pouch and being covered in mucus] Ew! Its not like in cartoons!
Homer: Yeah, there's a lot more mucus.


"The Simpsons: Brake My Wife, Please (#14.20)" (2003)
[Homer wants to go to Moe's bar, but his driving license has been suspended]
Lisa Simpson: Why don't you take public transportation?
Homer Simpson: Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.

Homer Simpson: Let's go for a nice family walk around the block.
Lisa Simpson: I want to amble.
Bart Simpson: I want to saunter.
Lisa Simpson: Amble!
Bart Simpson: Saunter!
Lisa Simpson: Amble!
Bart Simpson: Saunter!
Marge Simpson: Stop saying things!

Marge Simpson: I guess I'll have to do all your driving chores. That's what a good wife does, picks up the slack.
Homer Simpson: That reminds me, we gotta pick up my slacks at that dry cleaner in Shelbyville.
Marge Simpson: Why can't you use the local dry cleaner?
Homer Simpson: I didn't want them to know my size!

Homer Simpson: I have to help her. If Marge isn't happy, I'm not happy. And if I'm not happy, Moe's very happy. But for once, this isn't about Moe.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, can you please get me the syrup.
[Homer gets the syrup from the cupboard]
Homer Simpson: See, before, I probably would have just driven to the syrup.

Homer Simpson: It would have been a lot worse if I hadn't been carrying this bible in my crotch.

Homer Simpson: And now to all my dear friends I say, get the hell out of my yard.

Homer Simpson: [after getting hit by Marge's car] Oww, my feet are inside me!


"The Simpsons: The Joy of Sect (#9.13)" (1998)
[repeated line]
Homer Simpson: Out of my way, jerkass!

Jane: A new and better life awaits you on our distant home planet, Blisstonia.
Homer Simpson: [gets given a leaflet] Hmm. Makes Sense.
Jane: We're having a free get-acquainted session at our resort this weekend.
Homer Simpson: How much is this free resort weekend?
Glen: It's free.
Homer Simpson: And when is this weekend?
Glen: It's this weekend.
Homer Simpson: Uh-huh. And how much does it cost?
Glen: Um, it's free.
Homer Simpson: I see. And when is it?
Glen: It's this weekend.
Homer Simpson: And what are you charging for this free weekend?
Bart Simpson: Come on, Dad. The team's arriving.
Homer Simpson: [being dragged away by Bart] It's free, right?

Fox TV announcer: You are watching Fox.
Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: [all in a trance] We are watching Fox.

Lisa: Watch it, Dad, you're the highly suggestible type.
Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

Homer: I've joined the Movementarians, Marge.
Marge: You WHAT?
Homer: I've joined the Movementarians. And so have all of you.
Marge: We WHAT?
Homer: All I had to give them was our life savings, the deed to our house, and a commitment of 10 trillion years of labor.
Marge: I can't go along with this, Homer.
Homer: Marge, when I join an underground cult, I expect a little support from my family.
Lisa: Do you think you might have been brainwashed, Dad?
Homer: I haven't been brainwashed.
[Goes glassy eyed]
Homer: Kill the girl. Kill the girl.

Homer Simpson: Wait, I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up?
Glen: What are you talking about? There is nothing like that in there!
Homer Simpson: Oh, you see when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span.

Homer: And to think I turned to a cult for mindless happiness when I had beer all along.
Marge: Mmmmm...
Homer: And you, Marge, the bringer of beer.

Jane: We're having a free get acquainted session at our resort this weekend.
Homer: How much is this free resort weekend?
Glenn: It's free.
Homer: And when *is* this weekend?
Glenn: It's this weekend.
Homer: Uh-huh, and how much does it cost?
Glenn: Um, it's free.
Homer: I see, and when is it?
Glenn: It's this weekend.
Homer: And what are you *charging* for this free weekend?


"The Simpsons: Moe Letter Blues (#21.21)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Dad, what did mom mean when she said she had to take care of something?
Homer Simpson: Son, I'm something of an expert on women, and if I've learned something is that they never mean anything about anything.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's a very dangerous attitude to have about your wife.
Homer Simpson: Honey, I hear what you're saying.
Homer Simpson: [whispering to Bart] Nothing.

Homer Simpson: So, you were saying something?
Marge Simpson: Why do I waste my breath?
Homer Simpson: Sorry, honey. I wasn't listening, and I won't be listening now.

Homer Simpson: Moe, my in-laws are coming, and I need something strong enough to make me forget I hate them but not so strong that I tell them I love them.

Homer Simpson: The ferry will be here in ten minutes to take us home, then we'll know the truth.
Apu: The truth!
Ralph Wiggum: The roof!

Homer Simpson: Well, when your wife came to Moe's, I was there being my usual, effervescent self.
[Cut to Homer passed out on the bar]

Apu: So it is you, Mr. Homer. I must admit, I was expecting it. A woman her age married to someone... How old are you? Sixty-five?
Homer Simpson: Thirty-nine.
Apu: Dear God! This day gets more and more disturbing.

Marge Simpson: I'm still mad at you for last night.
Homer Simpson: Today's the first, so that was last month, which means you're being ridiculous.


"The Simpsons: The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons (#9.7)" (1997)
Apu: Homer, you've got to help me!
Homer Simpson: Okay. Seems to me...
[clears throat]
Homer Simpson: What you oughta do is, um...
Apu: What? What? What? What? What?
Homer Simpson: Well, you could always move into my house and tell your mom that Marge is your wife.
Apu: Is it me, or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies?
Homer Simpson: It's you.

Homer Simpson: Hey, Dad! I've come to spend time with my favorite father.
Grampa Simpson: Baloney! You came here to put me in a home.
Homer Simpson: You're already in a home.
Grampa Simpson: Oh, how could you?

Homer Simpson: But, you can't leave. We're scammin' an old lady at my house, and I need a place to hide out.
Moe Szyslak: Sorry, Homer. I've been plannin' this vacation for years. I'm finally gonna see Easter Island.
Homer Simpson: Oh, right. With the giant heads.
Moe Szyslak: With the what now?

Homer Simpson: You know what you could do, Apu?
Apu: Yeah, shut up.
Homer Simpson: You could fake your own death.
Apu: Oh, would you shut up?
Homer Simpson: All you need is a car bomb and...
Apu: I can't believe you don't shut up!

Moe: I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally going to see Easter Island.
Homer: Oh, right, with the giant heads.
Moe: With the what now?

Homer: Marge, promise me you'll put me in a home. It's like being a baby, only you're old enough to apreciate it.

Homer: Hey, what's lucky hooked up to?
Nurse: A respirator. It breathes for him.
Homer: And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.


"The Simpsons: Dumbbell Indemnity (#9.16)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath.
Bart Simpson: Yeah, Mom says a lot of things.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man.

Homer Simpson: Whatever happened to your mail order bride?
Moe Szyslak: Oh, she got homesick for her old life; diving for tourist pennies in a Micronesian swamp.
Homer Simpson: So, her career got in the way.
Moe Szyslak: Ehh, I don't blame her. No girl wants to end up with a Joe Puke-Pail like me.
Homer Simpson: Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe. You're a fabulous catch.
Moe Szyslak: Oh yeah? Well, uh, how come I ain't fending off movie stars with a pointy stick?
Homer Simpson: Oh, its probably due to your ugliness. But, that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman!

Moe Szyslak: Homer, I need your help. You got to steal this car and wreck it for me.
Homer Simpson: Steal? Oh no, you got the wrong guy.
Moe Szyslak: Come on Homer, I'm one of your dearest friends... When everybody said you were to drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys?
Homer Simpson: Aww... You did.

[Moe is describing a plan to Homer]
Moe: Okay Homer, this olive is you...
Homer: Mmm... me...

[Homer is sitting at the dinner table in all black with a balaclava on his head]
Marge: Why all the black?
Homer: Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything?
Lisa: You look a little nervous, Dad.
Homer: No, *you* look a little nervous, Lisa.
Bart: You're up to something, aren't you, Dad?
Homer: NO. I'm just going out now to commit certain deeds.

Homer: [in jail; looks out window and sees Moe singing about going to Hawaii] Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe, who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii?
Chief Wiggum: [bangs on Homer's jail cell] Stop saying "Hawaii" in there.

Homer: Must kill Moe Wee! Must Kill Moe Wee!


"The Simpsons: The Food Wife (#23.5)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: Alright food nerds, reality check. All the food in those pictures is poop by now. Minds blown, you're welcome.

[last lines]
Marge Simpson: This is nice. A family fun day.
Homer Simpson: [to kids] Here's fifty bucks.
[hands kids $50 bill]
Homer Simpson: For the next two hours, I don't want to know you exist.
[laughs]
Homer Simpson: [kids run off]
Homer Simpson: Family fun day.
[kisses Marge]

[first lines]
Marge Simpson: And here's a marble for Lisa for cleaning her room. And a marble for Bart for not trashing Lisa's room. The jars are full! So, you've earned your Saturday Surprise Dad Day!
Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Yay!
Homer Simpson: This Saturday, from the dad who brought you cemetery paintball, and go-karts on real roads, comes the greatest activity yet...
Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Video game convention!

Marge Simpson: The kids sure had a good time with you.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, I was on today. Scary on.
Marge Simpson: How come they never call me Fun Mom?
Homer Simpson: Look, honey. A family's like a team. And on every team, you have the slam-dunking megastar and the referee.
Marge Simpson: It's not fair. Moms want to be fun, but we're stuck with all the mom stuff.
Homer Simpson: OK, OK. How about this: Next week, you take the kids on a Saturday Surprise Dad Day?
Marge Simpson: What if, we rolled pennies and go to the dollar store?
Homer Simpson: That's good, Marge. Get all the terrible ideas out of your system.

Homer Simpson: And check these out.
Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson: VIP passes!
Homer Simpson: Is there any better feeling than cutting in line because a plastic badge says you're special?

Homer Simpson: Our kids don't eat sorbet, they eat sherbet, and they pronounce it sherbet and wish it was ice-cream.

Homer Simpson: I've come around on hipsters. It takes a lot of guts to all wear the same hat.


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. the 18th Amendment (#8.18)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems.

Homer: Alcohol is a way of life, alcohol is my way of life and I plan to keep it.

Rex Banner: You're out there somewhere, beer baron! And I'll find you.
Homer: [way off in the distance] No, you won't.
Rex Banner: Yes, I will
Homer: Won't!

Bart Simpson: Gee, Homer, you sure do suck tonight!
Homer Simpson: Yeah! Suck like a fox!

Homer Simpson: [Homer has a giant beer barrel over his head] Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland!

Homer: Ooh, it's been St. Patrick's Day for hours, and I'm still not drunk yet.

[Homer wearing a beer keg on his head]
Homer: Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland.
[everyone in the bar starts laughing]


"The Simpsons: I Love Lisa (#4.15)" (1993)
Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer: Sure it is, honey. You *do* mean stealing, don't you?

Homer: Ahhh sweet pity... what would my love life be without it ?

Homer: Apu, you gotta help me! I need a Valentine's gift for my wife!
Apu: Perhaps this might be appropriate?
Apu: [Apu takes out a box of chocolates in a heart-shaped box]
Homer: Yes! You saved my life. How much?
Apu: One hundred dollars.
Homer: WHAT? That's highway robbery, I won't pay it!
Apu: Oh, I think you will.
Homer: Forget it, pal!
Homer: [Homer starts to leave the store, Apu hums peacefully]
Homer: All right! But I'll never shop here again!
Apu: [thinking] If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost.
Apu: Nickel off on expired baby food.
Homer: Sold!

Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge Simpson: Well, honey, I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard them all: "I like you as a friend," "I think we should see other people," "I no speak English"...
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: "I'm married to the sea," "I don't want to kill you but I will"...
Marge Simpson: Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy that you're very flattered, but you're just not ready for this kind of thing.
Lisa: Thanks, Mom.
Homer: And if that doesn't work, six simple words: "I'm not gay, but I'll learn."

[At breakfast, Marge puts a plate with the food spelling out "I Love You" in front of Homer]
Marge Simpson: And this is for my huggy-bug, in honor of this special day.
Homer: [thinking] Special day! Oh, what have I forgotten now? Now, don't panic. Is it Bacon Day? No, that's crazy talk!
[Marge's smile fades]
Homer: [thinking] She's getting impatient, take a stab at it!
Homer: [aloud] Happy... Valentine's Day!
Marge Simpson: Oh, thank you, dear.
[kisses him]
Homer: Woo hoo!

[towards the end of the President's Day pageant]
Principal Skinner: And now our evening comes to an end...
Homer: Woo hoo!
Principal Skinner: ...with a thorough retelling of the life of George Washington.
Homer: D'oh!

Marge: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard 'em all.
[ticking off on his fingers]
Homer: "I like you as a friend", "I think we should see other people", "I no speak English"...
Lisa: I get the idea.
Homer: "I'm married to the sea", "I don't want to kill you, but I will"...
Marge: Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy you're flattered, but you're just not ready for this sort of thing.
Lisa: Thanks, Mom.
Homer: And if that doesn't work- six simple words: "I'm not gay but I'll learn."


"The Simpsons: Postcards from the Wedge (#21.14)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: That's one month of homework? It seems like a lot for a young boy.
Homer Simpson: I say he should get more homework. I don't have to help him, do I?
Principal Skinner: No.
Homer Simpson: Pile it on! I want him to be Korean by the time he's done.

Homer Simpson: [Angry] You're a month behind on your homework?
Bart Simpson: I tried really hard to keep you from finding out. Does that count for something?
Homer Simpson: [Still angry] A little!

Marge Simpson: Let's have lunch at Crouching Tiger Hidden Eggroll.
Homer Simpson: No line, close to the bathrooms... I see no reason to disagree.
Bart Simpson: Smooth move, mom. Choosing the one place that doesn't serve beer.
Homer Simpson: What the... Then I wanna eat at Moe's Express.
Moe Szyslak: [to bartenders] And by express I mean express your anger at the world.

Homer Simpson: Marge, we can't let Bart get between us. He's the reason we had to get married in the first place.

Marge Simpson: I don't mind if you pee in the shower, but only if you're taking a shower.
Homer Simpson: No freedom. I have no freedom around this house! After sex, I'm not talking to you!

Marge Simpson: Mister, you are grounded.
Homer Simpson: And no TV.
Marge Simpson: And I'm taking all the exciting colors out of your crayons.
Homer Simpson: And when you're out of my sight, you must constantly Twitter me exactly what you are up to, even though I don't know what Twitter is and have no desire to find out.

Homer Simpson: Once again sleeping at work has saved my marriage!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IX (#10.4)" (1998)
Marge Simpson: [after the aliens left] Suckers!
Homer Simpson: [to Maggie] Come on Maggie. Let's go home.
Maggie: [removes pacifier] Very well, I'll drive!
[laughs]
Maggie: I need blood.

[Homer is dressed in tattered clothes, and eating beans from a can]
Marge Simpson: Oh, Homer you're not going as a hobo again?
Homer Simpson: Going where?

Homer Simpson: Mama took those batteries / She took them away / Mama took those batteries / Size double-A!

Lisa Simpson: [pushes his food away] I just lost my appetite.
Lisa Simpson: [pushes her food away] Me, too.
Homer Simpson: [grabs Lisa's food] Wait, mine came back!

Homer Simpson: [after he pulls Maggie's legs off] Look, Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs!

[Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door]
Homer: Oh no, Mormons!
Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.

Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.
Homer: You intergalactic hussy.
[cries]
Homer: Was he better than me?


"The Simpsons: What Animated Women Want (#24.17)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: The marriage I have taken for granted all these years has suddenly exploded in my face. What do I do?
Herstory Narrator: Typically, men have two choices.
[Thought balloon over Homer shows a pair of boxing gloves labeled "Fight" and a pair of winged sneakers labeled "Flee"]
Homer Simpson: I like the looks of those winged shoes. I choose flee!
[Starts running, but after a couple of blocks gets exhausted and stops]
Homer Simpson: Where's an automatic sidewalk when you need one? Fleeing didn't work. I have no choice. I must do... whatever the other thing was!

Homer Simpson: You know how in the Special Olympics they give out medals just for showing up?
Marge Simpson: How many times have I told you to stop comparing our relationship to the Special Olympics?

Homer Simpson: [Finds Helen Lovejoy at a sex shop] The minister's wife? What are you doing here?
Helen Lovejoy: Uh, protesting.
Reverend Lovejoy: [Comes out of a dressing room wearing bondage wear] Is this domineering enough for you?
Helen Lovejoy: Go back to the cowboy thing and wait in the car.
Reverend Lovejoy: Help me out here, Homer.
[Homer laughs uneasily and walks away]

Homer Simpson: [Caught inside a bondage device] Quick, call the Proctor & Gamble help line!
Marge Simpson: Boy, they make everything nowadays.

Homer Simpson: Do you know a way to please a woman that starts with F?
Moe: As a matter of fact, I've been reading up on this Fifty Shades of Gray, and apparently what women today want is to give her what for in the bedroom.
Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! I'll woo her with woo-hoo!
Moe: I dunno, if this is what women are into, I should be a lot more popular.

Marge Simpson: I'm tired of your broken promises. "I'll fix it tomorrow." "I'll be home at 8:00 PM." "I'll be home at 8:00 AM." "I'll take you on the most romantic dinner of your life." Well, I'm through with your excuses!
Homer Simpson: Marge was so happy when I made those promises. What changed?

Homer Simpson: Oh, Marge! Come into the garage! You know it's gonna be good, because I'm talking in a sing-song fashion!


"The Simpsons: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Guest Star (#16.21)" (2005)
Marge: [to Bart] Now we have to find another school for you.
Homer: And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo-Bananas in charge.

Lisa: That's Latin, Dad; the language of Plutarch.
Homer: Mickey Mouse's dog?

Homer: [after Homer confesses his sins] Woohoo! I'm clean! In your face, lord!
Father Sean: Not quite, Mr. Simpson. I can only absolve you if you're a Catholic.
Homer: Riiiiight. And how do I join? Do I whale on some Unitarians?

Homer Simpson: Shouldn't a person have the right to choose his own religion?
Lisa: As strange as it seems, Dad, I agree.
Homer Simpson: What?
Lisa: Well, as you well know, I'm a fully pledged Buddhist.
Father Sean: [laughs] Buddhist? Well, I suppose some children have imaginary friends...
Lisa: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Homer: Bart, I can't believe you got expelled! Well, don't expect to spend all week lying around on the couch like a bum, 'cause that's MY thing!

Marge: Bart, would you like to say grace?
Bart: Yesum!
[Bart says grace in Latin]
Homer: What the hell was that?
Lisa: Bart's speaking Latin, the language of Plutarc.
Homer: [Homer looks blankly] Micky Mouse's dog?

Homer: Once you go to the Vatican, you can't go back again!


"The Simpsons: The Way We Was (#2.12)" (1991)
[the TV image is shaky]
Homer: Time for Dr. TV to perform a little surgery.
[he hits the TV, and the picture goes fuzzy]
Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.

Homer: English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Homer: I love watching the bald guy argue with the fat tub of lard.

Marge Simpson: [Marge leaves the dance room and sees Homer sitting on the stairs crying heavily. She walks up to him] Homer?
Homer: [He sniffles and looks up at her] What?
Marge Simpson: [She sits down beside him] Why are you doing this? Why can't you accept that I'm here with someone else?
Homer: [Sniffles; his voice breaks as he talks] Because I'm... sure we were meant to be together. Usually when I have a thought, there's a lot of *other* thoughts in there... some things says, yes, some things says, no... But this time, there's only yes!
[Cries as he talks]
Homer: How can the only thing I've ever been sure about in my life be wrong?
Marge Simpson: [Looks down] Hm... I don't know... But it is.
[Walks away]

Marge Simpson: Why so glum?
Homer: [sigh] I got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you. And kiss you. And I'll never be able to let you go.
Homer: [Flashes back to the present] And I never have

Homer: You wanna go out with me?
Marge Simpson: Um, I don't think you're my type
Homer: You see the problem is you don't know me. I have references. Just ask Coach Flannigan and Mr Seckofsky. And Barney Gumble.
Marge Simpson: Hmmmm I don't know
Homer: Look, I'm not asking you to like me. I'm not asking you to put yourself in a position where I can touch your goodies. I'm just asking you to be fair

Homer: [after having a meeting with his guidance counselor] Me, work in a nuclear power plant? Ka-blammo!


"The Simpsons: A Tree Grows in Springfield (#24.6)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: I'm in an abusive relationship with life. It keeps beating the hell out of me, and I'm too much of a coward to leave.

Marge Simpson: Homer, don't you think you're putting all your eggs on one basket?
Homer Simpson: What do you want me to do, put each egg on one basket?
Marge Simpson: Hmm, I guess you're right. I better scratch that off my list of things to say.

Homer Simpson: This is your miracle, a tree? Ooh, look at me. I can turn sunlight into complex sugars. Big whoop!

Ned Flanders: Homer, stop eating the miracle!
Homer Simpson: Fine, I'll just go eat the body of God. That's not crazy.

Homer Simpson: I never win anything. It'll probably be some jerk no one ever heard of.
Principal Skinner: And the winner is...
Homer Simpson: Here it comes.
Principal Skinner: ...Homer Simpson!
Homer Simpson: Get him! I mean... Woo-hoo!

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, you'll make a full recovery. But I'm afraid your MyPad is gone.
Homer Simpson: But it only had eighty percent of its charge left.
Dr. Hibbert: This is the part of my job I hate most: talking to crazy people.

Homer Simpson: Folks, hope isn't just inside the house of God, it's outside the house of me!


"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Homer (#5.9)" (1993)
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe Szyslak: [not very interested] Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend, Joey Jo-Jo Junior... Shabadoo?
Moe Szyslak: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[a man runs out of Moe's crying]
Barney Gumble: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!

[at an energy convention, Homer and Mindy are hosting the "Nuclear Power" booth]
Nuclear Power Heckler #1: [passing by] Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastards!
Mindy Simmons: Get bent!
Nuclear Power Heckler #2: [passing by] No more Chernobyls!
Homer: Go to hell!

Homer: [singing] Oh Mindy, you came and you gave without flaking, But I sent you Ben Gay. Oh Andy, you kissed me and stopped me from something, And I -
[Lisa interrupts]

Homer: [Reading a speech he has written on his hand] Mindy, because of our uncontrollable attraction, I think we should avoid each other from now on.
Homer: [Later, when he bumps in to Mindy, his palm is sweaty and the writing on it has been smudged. He still tries to read the speech, though] Murphy... You are a elf... Uncontrollably...

Homer: Moe, I've got a friend named Joey... Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
[a man runs out of the bar crying]
Barney: Wait! Joey Joe Joe!

Lenny: With a woman working here, we won't be able to spit on the floor anymore.
Carl: And we won't be able to take our pants off when it gets really hot.
Homer: And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain...
[receives stares]

Homer: Oh, Margie, you came and you found me a turkey on my vacation away from workey.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Substitute (#2.19)" (1991)
Bart: [on Lisa] I knew someone was gonna say it, but I can't believe it was her.
Homer: Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

[after hearing about mummies]
Homer: Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man.

Marge Simpson: Homer! Did you take care of...
Homer: Ah-ah-ah. Don't say anything, Marge. Let's just go to bed. Right now I'm on the biggest roll of my life.

[Lisa's crying in her room]
Homer: Are you crying because you called Daddy a baboon?
Lisa Simpson: No!
Homer: [aggravated] Nuts!

[Homer is trying to comfort Lisa after Mr. Bergstrom has left]
Homer: Oh, this isn't working at all!
Lisa Simpson: [wanting him gone] Look, if you just want me to forgive you...!
Homer: No, no! I just wish I knew what to say.
[he opens Lisa's music box, and a tune begins to play]
Homer: Although, maybe this music will help. Now, you you lost someone special to you, and it hurts. I'm lucky, because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is right under this roof.
Lisa Simpson: Oh...
Homer: No, it's true. Now you'll have lots of special people in your life, Lisa. There's probably some place where they all get together and the food is real good, and guys like me are serving drinks.

Homer: Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Homer: [to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.


"The Simpsons: Duffless (#4.16)" (1993)
[during the 1960 vice-presidential debates on TV]
John F. Kennedy: I would like to take this opportunity to express my fondness for Duff beer.
[cheers]
Richard Nixon: Uh, I'd also like to express my fondness for that particular beer.
[boos]
Homer: The man never drank a Duff in his life.

Rev. Lovejoy: Now Homer, feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here.
Homer: The other day I was so desperate for a beer that I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
Rev. Lovejoy: I cast thee out!

Judge: Your license is hereby revoked and you are to attend traffic school and two months of Alc-Anon meetings.
Homer Simpson: Your honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record.
Judge: No.

Homer Simpson: I'm here for the Alc-Anon meeting.
Rev. Lovejoy: Mm-hm. Third door on your left.
[Jasper walks up]
Rev. Lovejoy: Coping with senility?
Jasper: No. I'm here for Microwave Cookery. No, wait.
[pause]
Jasper: Coping with senility.

Marge Simpson: Homey, I'd like you to do something for me.
Homer Simpson: You name it.
Marge Simpson: I want you to give up beer for a month.
Homer Simpson: You got it. No deer for a month.
Marge Simpson: Did you say beer, or deer?
Homer Simpson: [pause] Deer.

Homer Simpson: Marge, I'm goin' to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm comin' back loaded!

Homer Simpson: [Homer pours his Duff Beer down the drain] Well beer, we've had some good times.
[singing]
Homer Simpson: When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake I.D. My name was Brian McGee, I stayed up listening to Queen, when I was 17.


"The Simpsons: Das Bus (#9.14)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Welcome to the internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer Simpson: [stares blankly for a few seconds] Can I have some money now?

Homer Simpson: Oh, they have the internet on computers now!

Homer Simpson: [on the phone] Uh, can't make it in today, Mr. Smithers. I have smallpox. Well, it wasn't wiped out in my house!

Homer Simpson: [reading an envelope in his mailbox] "Flancrest Enterprizses"?
Ned Flanders: Oops. That's for me. Flancrest Enterprises is my home business,
Homer Simpson: You liar! You don't have a home business! Why would you make up a lie like that?
Ned Flanders: No, it's true. Maude and I sell religious hook rugs over the internet.
Homer Simpson: Internet, eh?
Ned Flanders: Yes, indeedy. Making some good scratch too.
Homer Simpson: Scratch, eh?
Ned Flanders: Yep.
Homer Simpson: Maude, eh?

Marge Simpson: What exactly is it your company does again?
Homer Simpson: This industry moves so fast it's really hard to tell. That's why I need a name that's cutting-edge, like CutCo, EdgeCom, Interslice. Come on, Marge, you're good at these! Help me out!
Marge Simpson: How about... Compuglobalhypermeganet?
Homer Simpson: Fine, it's not important. What really matters is my title. I think I'll make myself... vice president. No, wait! Junior vice president!

[Homer is using butter as a pencil holder]
Marge: Is that my butter?
Homer: Can't talk - taking another delicious memo.
[Licks tip of pencil as if about to write]
Homer: Mmmmm... memo.

Bart: Woah! God is so in your face!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, he's my favorite fictional character.


"The Simpsons: Half-Decent Proposal (#13.10)" (2002)
Artie Ziff: Tell me, Homer, what's it like being married to Marge?
Homer Simpson: It's like being married to your best friend - who lets you touch her boobies!

Homer Simpson: This is the perfect job. I'll leave the world the same way I came into it - dirty, screaming and torn away from the woman I love.

Marge Simpson: I haven't lost so much sleep since little Barty had the scoots.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, there's a surgical option, but it's not cheap.
[Writes something on a slip of paper, and slides it across his desk to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Here's what it costs.
Homer Simpson: [Reads paper] Interesting. Here's my counter-offer.
[Writes something on the paper and gives it back to Hibbert]
Dr. Hibbert: [Reads. The note says, "Do it for free"]
[Chuckles, then turns very serious]
Dr. Hibbert: Get out.

Homer Simpson: Okay, Artie, you get her for the weekend - but no funny stuff. And by "funny stuff" I mean hand-holding, goo-goo eyes, misdirected woo - which is pretty much any John Woo film...
Artie Ziff: Your wife's virtue shall remain as untouched as Bill Gates' weight room.

Homer Simpson: Oh, no! If Marge marries Artie, I'll never be born.

[the oil rig Homer's working on has caught on fire]
Homer: Oh no. This is how faceless Joe lost his legs.

Marge: Homer, we can't take his money.
Homer: Aww, I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work for my money. Why don't I just lay down and die.


"The Simpsons: Marge Gamer (#18.17)" (2007)
[Homer runs a lot, and then pukes in a nearby cone]
Homer Simpson: Does somebody have another barf cone?

[Homer notices a sideline official waving his out-of-bounds flag]
Homer Simpson: Hey! You got something against the American flag, bub?
[Homer headbutts the guy in the stomach]
Little Girl: Hey! That's my dad!
Homer Simpson: I'm your dad now!

Homer Simpson: Son, I will never understand women if I live to be forty.
Bart Simpson: Big if.
Homer Simpson: You said it. Enjoy me while you can.

Homer Simpson: That's soccer? All this time I was calling it human foosball.

Homer Simpson: Marge, you have to get on the net. It's where all the best conspiracy theories are. Did you know Hezbollah owns Little Debbie Food Snacks? This stuff will rock your world.

Homer Simpson: [refereeing Lisa's soccer game] Yellow card!
Lisa Simpson: You can't give me a yellow card. You're my dad!
Homer Simpson: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your dad. And judging by how tight they are, I'll never be anyone else's dad, either.

Homer Simpson: Thanks, honey.
Homer Simpson: I prepared by watching hours and hours of soccer.
Homer Simpson: I almost saw a goal once.
Homer Simpson: But there were SO MANY ads for Spanish cell phones!


"The Simpsons: Regarding Margie (#17.20)" (2006)
Homer Simpson: I'm gonna take care of you until your amnesia goes scramnesia.

Homer Simpson: See that ball of fire in the sky? That's the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo's lantern, day moon, old blazy. The important thing is, never to touch it.
Marge Simpson: I know what the sun is.
Homer Simpson: Yes, now you do.

Marge Simpson: Mr. Simpson, I don't even know you! I am not making love with you.
Homer Simpson: But what if we...
[Whispers]
Marge Simpson: You're describing how to parallel park.
Homer Simpson: [Crying] You used to love my non sequiturs.

Bart Simpson: Dad, isn't it wrong to read or eat other people's mail?
Homer Simpson: Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad news: bills, court summons, Entertainment Weekly. Now for the first time in my life, I'm getting rich people mail. You wouldn't take that away from me, would you?
Bart Simpson: Oh, dad. Nobody can rationalize like you.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Just keep jogging her memory until she remembers.
Homer Simpson: Jogging? Oooh!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Homer, I don't mean you jogging.
Homer Simpson: Sweet.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: But you should.
Homer Simpson: Jogging? Oooh!

Grampa: So how long will you be rooming with me?
Homer Simpson: The rest of your life, for sure.

Marge Simpson: Now I have a question. Who are you people?
Homer Simpson: [gasps] She doesn't recognise us!
Homer Simpson: [shakes Dr. Hibbert] You monster! What have you done to my face?


"The Simpsons: Lisa on Ice (#6.8)" (1994)
[Lisa is playing goalie for a minor hockey team]
Lisa: Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way. Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face. Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard. Hack the bone. Hack the bone.
Homer: Wow. Eye of the tiger, mouth of a Teamster.

[At the hockey match]
Homer: Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.

[Marge hears Bart and Lisa fighting upstairs]
Marge Simpson: Oh, I'd better go check on them. Now, Homer, don't you eat this pie.
Homer: All right, Marge.
[Marge exits]
Homer: All right, pie. I'm going to start doing this...
[makes chomping motion]
Homer: -and if you get eaten, it's your own fault.
[He shuts his eyes, and moves toward the pie, making chomping motions, but hits his head on the stove hood]
Homer: OW! AH! Oh, my... oh, to hell with it.
[eats pie]

Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such...

[Lisa has received an academic alert that she is failing gym class]
Marge: Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder.
Homer: Whew. That's all of 'em.
[puts stack of academic alerts in front of Bart]
Homer: And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son?
Bart: Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates.
Homer: Done and done.
Lisa: That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out?
Homer: [sitting back] Ah, the mysteries of life.

Homer: Can somebody pass the mustard?
[Bart tries to pass the mustard to Homer, but Lisa blocks it]
Lisa: You're going to have to do better than that tonight, chump.
Marge Simpson: I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in my house!

Homer: Now, boy, just have a good game, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!
[they all laugh, before Homer makes a threatening gesture, causing Bart to flinch]


"The Simpsons: Homer the Great (#6.12)" (1995)
Homer: Why won't those stupid idiots let me into their crappy club for jerks?

Marge: Homer, a man who called himself "you-know-who" just invited you to a secret "wink-wink" at the "you-know-what". You certainly are popular now that you're a Stonecutter.
Homer: Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.

Homer: I'd give anything to get into the Stonecutters.
Lisa: What do they do there, Dad?
Grampa: I'm a member -
Homer: What do they do? What *don't* they do?
[laughs]
Homer: Oh, they do so many things they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars.
Lisa: You don't know what they do there, do you?
Homer: Not as such, no.

Bart: Dad, remember those self-hypnosis courses we took to help us ignore Grampa?
Homer: Do I ever! It's five years later and I still think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge!
Marge: I know, I know.

Grampa: I'm a member!
Homer: Huh?
Grampa: What?
Homer: What?
Grampa: Huh?
Lisa: You're a member of the Stonecutters, Grampa?
Grampa: Oh, sure. Let's see...
[starts going through the cards in his wallet]
Grampa: I'm an elk, a Mason, a communist. I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters.
Homer: This is it! My ticket in: they have to let me in if I'm the son of a member. I'll take this communist one too.

Homer: I swear, that if I ever reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, that my stomach shall become bloated, and my head plucked of all but three hairs...
Moe Szyslak: Um, I think he should have to take a different oath.
Number One: Everybody takes the same oath!

Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Charles Karault because you thought he dug up your garden?
Homer: Well, something did.
Marge: I don't want you stalking people tonight.
Homer: All right, fine. I'll be right back. I'm just going outside... to... stalk... Lenny and Carl... D'oh!


"The Simpsons: The Book Job (#23.6)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: It's not illegal to sleep in a Tyrannosaurus head.
Security Guard: Sir, you're inside an allosaurus.
Homer Simpson: I demand to speak to my paleontologist!

Bart Simpson: The point of dinosaurs is that an asteroid is going to wipe us out no matter what we do, so we should just party hard and wreck the place.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, why should the asteroid have all the fun?

Homer Simpson: The king of fantasy novels in our fantasy novel writing team?
Bart Simpson: Okay, Gaiman, you're in. Your job is to get us lunch, and lose the British accent.
Neil Gaiman: Cheeseburgers! French fries! I'm all over that, pal!

Homer Simpson: So, are we square for Kansas City?
Bart Simpson: Square as Golden Books, pops.

Lisa Simpson: You're group writing a fantasy novel? But the only reason to do that is for...
[gasp]
Lisa Simpson: Profit!
Homer Simpson: So what if people write for money? I don't see your boyfriend William Shakespeare missing many meals.
Lisa Simpson: I'll show you! I'll write my own novel all by myself.
Homer Simpson: You're gonna be all the guys? How does that work out?

Bart Simpson: It's good. Weekly Reader selections good.
Homer Simpson: I just hope we put in enough steampunk, whatever that is.

Bart Simpson: Whatever the job is, I'm not interested.
Homer Simpson: A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours.
Bart Simpson: I like the beat. Play me the tune.
Homer Simpson: We're taking down kids who read.
Bart Simpson: Chapter-book crowd? That's a juicy peach, but what's the cream?
Homer Simpson: I'm putting together a tween-lit gang-write?
Bart Simpson: Tween-lit gang-write?
Homer Simpson: Tween-lit gang-write, but this Babar needs a Zephir.
Bart Simpson: A Zephir?
Homer Simpson: You're the Zephir.
Bart Simpson: This better not turn out like Kansas City.
Homer Simpson: It won't be like Kansas City.
Bart Simpson: [typed into the video game's high score list] I'm in.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Barbershop Quartet (#5.1)" (1993)
[the Be Sharps are performing the Statue of Liberty's 100th anniversary 4th of July concert in New York City in 1986]
Homer: This next song is dedicated to a very special lady. She's 100 years old and weighs over 200... tons.
Panicking Man: This enormous lady will devour us all!
[Screams and jumps into the ocean]
Homer: I meant the statue!

George Harrison: Hello, Homer, I'm George Harrison.
Homer: Oh my God! Where did you get that brownie?

Homer: [trying to write a song, Homer is inspired by a "Baby on Board" car sign] Hmmm, Baby on Board. Baby on Board, something something Burt Ward... this thing writes itself!

Bart: That ain't been popular than aught-six, dag-nab it!
Homer: What did I tell you?
Bart: No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector. Consarn it.

Bart: How come we haven't heard anything about your second album?
Bart: What did you do, screw up like The Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. In fact, that was the title of our second album.

[the "Baby on Board" lyrics]
Homer, Apu, Principal Skinner, Barney: Baby on Board/How I've adored/That sign on my car's window pane/The bounce in my step/loaded with pep/'cause I'm driving in the carpool lane/Call me a square/Friend, I don't care/That little yellow sign can't be ignored/I'm telling you, it's mighty nice/Each trip's a trip to paradise/With my baby on board!

Paul Harvey: ...and that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be... Roy Cohn!
Abe Simpson, Jasper: Wow!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIII (#14.1)" (2002)
Homer Simpson: [riding Ned Flanders as a cow-centaur, singing] In the jungle / The big, big jungle / Homer rides a freak

Homer Simpson: [from The Island of Dr. Hibbert, riding Ned Flanders as a cow-centaur, singing] In the jungle / The big, big jungle / Homer rides a freak

Ned Flanders: [from The Island of Dr. Hibbert. Homer is milking Flanders who has been turned into a half-man, half-cow] That's nice. You're actually quite gentle when you want to be.
Homer Simpson: You know, you're not helping.

[among the many cloned Homers, there is the original one from the Tracey Ullman show skits]
Homer Simpson: [as original Homer clone] Let's all go out for some frosty chocolate milkshakes.

Homer Simpson: [about Marge] She's become a monster! Which, I gotta admit I sort of suspected during the sex.

[Groundskeeper Willy has been turned into an ape]
Dr. Hibbert: Willy, take these folks' luggage.
[to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Careful, he might try to gnaw on your crotch.
Homer: Don't worry, I've been around Scotsmen before.

[Homer dies after eating a piece of broccoli]
Homer: Saint Peter. Woo hoo. Got to heaven before you, Flanders.
[wiggles his butt at Earth below]
Homer: Ha-ha-haha-ha.


"The Simpsons: Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy (#6.10)" (1994)
Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed underparenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting.
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.

Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Grampa: Flu?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N - yes. But please, don't you say that word.
Grampa: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.

Marge: Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
Homer: Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident, he didn't wanna have me.
Marge: You didn't wanna have Bart.
Homer: I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child.
Marge: You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning.
Homer: But when I do it, it's cute.

Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.
Homer: Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
[leaves]
Bart: I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking".
Lisa: That's what I assumed.

Announcer: We now return to the 1971 film, "Good-Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out", starring Troy McClure.
Uncle Doobie: [a multicolored VW bug is chased by police] Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash?
Troy McClure: [as Slim] There's more than one way to get high, baby.
[he floors it]
Homer: [Marge, dressed seductively, snuggles with Homey] Please, Marge! How often can I see a movie of this calibre on late-night TV?
Marge: Is there something wrong, Homey?
Homer: No! It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before and I've seen you every night for the last eleven ye - er, what I meant to say is, uh, we'll snuggle tomorrow sweetie. I promise.

Homer: The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication.

Bart: Your half ass under-parenting was better than your half ass over-parenting.
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.


"The Simpsons: New Kid on the Block (#4.8)" (1992)
Flying Dutchman Waiter #2: And for you sir?
Homer: All you can eat! All you can eat!
Flying Dutchman Waiter #2: Now, when you're ready take this plate up and...
Homer: [already at buffet taking out a steam tray]
Homer Simpson: [panicking] No sir! Don't take the steam tray!

[at the Frying Dutchman, Homer continues to eat everything in sight. The waitstaff look on]
Flying Dutchman Waiter #2: [to Captain McAlister] That man ate all our shrimp! And two plastic lobsters!
Captain McAllister: 'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eatin' machine!
Captain McAllister: [He approaches Homer/Marge's table] Six bells! Time for closin'!
Homer: [with mouth full] Can't talk. Eating.
Captain McAllister: Fairly warned be thee, says I!
[Captain McAlister snaps his fingers. The waitstaff forcibly remove Homer from the table and drag him outside. However, Homer breaks free and runs back inside to shovel more food in his mouth. Again, the waitstaff drag him away]
Homer: [whining] But the sign said "All you can eat!"

[Homer has been thrown out of an all-you-can-eat restaurant for eating too much]
Lionel Hutz: This is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against the movie The Neverending Story.
Homer: So, do you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I don't use the word 'hero' lightly, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Homer: Woohoo!

Bart: Grampa, I need some advice. Did you ever fall in love with an older woman?
Abe Simpson: I fell in love with the OLDEST woman. A hundred and twenty-four years old, she was. Here's a picture of her delivering Eubie Blake.
Bart: Wow. What happened?
Abe Simpson: She fell in with that Guinness Book of Records crowd; all of a sudden she didn't have time for me. Ohhh, I wore a fifteen-pound beard of bees for that woman, but it wasn't enough.

Homer: Son, a woman is a lot like...
[sees the fridge]
Homer: a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, three-hundred pounds... they make ice and...
[eyes his Duff]
Homer: No, actually a woman is a more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one.
[chugs beer]
Homer: But you can't stop at one...
[grabs another beer from the fridge]
Homer: you want to drink another woman.
[10 beers later]
Homer: So I says; "Yeah? You want that money? Come and find it! 'Cause I don't know where it is, ya baloney! You... make me... wanna... wretch..."
[passes out]

[Bart wants to learn about sex]
Homer: I think he should learn about it the way I did.
[Flashback of Homer as a child, he is at a zoo watching monkeys]
Homer: Zookeeper!
[points to monkeys]
Homer: Those two monkeys are killing each other!
Zookeeper: [whispers in Homer's ear] They're having sex.
Homer: Oh...

Bart: Dad, if there's a really special girl and she likes some clod who's beneath her, what should you do?
Homer: I *married* her!
[grabs Marge and puts her on his lap; they giggle]
Marge: Homer, please!
[hiccups]
Marge: I just had eggs.


"The Simpsons: Trilogy of Error (#12.18)" (2001)
Homer: Here, little fella.
[Homer pours beer into Linguo's mouth]
Lisa: Dad, no!
Linguo: Error!
Homer: I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot.
Lisa: Oh. This is why I can't have nice things! Grrr... every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and breaks it.

Homer: Linguo, dead?
Linguo: Linguo is dead.

Homer: [to Marge] That is not possible, we are not in Gattaca.

Lisa: [after seeing the breakfast Marge has prepared, whispering] Don't worry dad, I'll get us out of this!
[Louder]
Lisa: Hey dad!
[winks]
Lisa: Do you want to see my science project?
[winks]
Homer: No Lisa,
[winks]
Homer: but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast!

[Marge has just sliced off Homer's thumb]
Marge: I'm sorry!
Homer: Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge!

[Homer is drunk]
Homer: Have you ever seen that Blue Man Group? Total ripoff of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs, well, they SUCK.

[Marge made a disgusting breakfast]
Lisa: [whispers] Dad, I know a way to get out of this.
[out loud]
Lisa: Say, Dad,
[winks]
Lisa: would you like to see my project for the school science fair?
[winks]
Homer: No, Lisa,
[winks]
Homer: but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast.
[winks]


"The Simpsons: My Mother the Carjacker (#15.2)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: Mom, I swear on your eventual grave, I will never, ever let the police get their hands on you!

Lisa Simpson: I say we hit them where they live. With a candlelight vigil.
Homer Simpson: Candlepin bowling? That's a great idea. We'll play right after I break your grandmother out of prison.

[Homer and Bart are changing messages on a highway warning sign. A message comes up: Stacey will you marry me?]
Homer Simpson: Awww.
[Next message: What do you mean 'no'?]
Homer Simpson: Haha! Loser!
[Third message: I hope your car blows up]
Homer Simpson: Geez, pal.

Homer Simpson: [in the witness box] Now I'm not a man who's good with words...
[very long pause]

Homer Simpson: I couldn't sleep because I thought there might be a sign of my mom in one of these articles. They never did find her body.
Bart Simpson: Then what was in the coffin?
Homer Simpson: Last week's garbage. I missed the pickup date.

Homer Simpson: [to a sleeping Bart] Psst... hey pal. Hey buddy, wake up. Wanna go on an adventure with your old man?
Bart Simpson: No...
Homer Simpson: You have no choice.
[camera pulls back to reveal they're already driving in the car]
Homer Simpson: There's coffee in the thermos.

Homer Simpson: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.
Marge: You *always* go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?


"The Simpsons: Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? (#11.3)" (1999)
Editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.

[Writing a food review]
Homer: The bread was... the bread was...
Santa's Little Helper: Ruff.
Homer: You've been pitching that one all night.
Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?

Homer: People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think.

Homer: Well here we are kids... the zoo.
Bart Simpson: That's great dad, except you were supposed to take us to the newspaper.

Homer: [singing] I like pizza, I like bagels. I like hot dogs with mustard and beer.
Editor: I get the picture.
Homer: [still singing] I'll eat eggplant, I could even eat a baby deer. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!

Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?

Homer: [writing a restaurant review] So come to The Legless Frog, if you want to get sick and die and leave a big garlicky corpse. P.S., parking was ample.


"The Simpsons: Stop or My Dog Will Shoot (#18.20)" (2007)
Homer: Relax Marge, I'm just messing with you. I know I'm not a dog, I'm a people, like you.

Homer: How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?

Homer: I'm lost, and I'm hungry!
Marge Simpson: Eat some corn!
Homer: I don't have any holders!

Bart: Our dog would make an awesome police dog. Can he, dad? Please, can he?
Homer: No, and never bring it up again.
[pause]
Bart: Can he?
Homer: Oh, why not?

Homer: He's tasted human flesh. He'll be a slave to his succulence now. Look at him eyeing me. He knows I taste best.

Marge Simpson: [Homer is being strangled by Bart's pet snake] Homer! Can you breathe!
Homer: Well... I can breathe... OUT okay!


"The Simpsons: The Telltale Head (#1.8)" (1990)
Homer Simpson: [on heaven] I can understand why they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who rollerskate and smoke cigars?

Bart: I was wondering, how important is it to be popular?
Homer Simpson: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.
Bart: So like, sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?
Homer Simpson: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?

Homer Simpson: A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

Bart: It's just a statue.
Marge Simpson: It's the statue of the trailblazing founder of our town!
Lisa Simpson: It's a symbol of what we can all do if we put our minds to it!
Homer Simpson: Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?

Homer: Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?

[while listening to a football game on a Walkman in church]
Homer: Please, please, please, please...
Sportscaster: Yes, it's good.
Homer: IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. It's... good to see you all today.


"The Simpsons: Exit Through the Kwik-E-Mart (#23.15)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: [Seeing Bart's "Dope" tags] That guy in the poster seems awfuly familiar.
[Sees reflection in rear view mirror]
Homer Simpson: Don't just stand there. Think of a theory.

Bart Simpson: I want to show you that I'm sorry, and they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so...
[Spray-paints "I'm Sorry" on the hood of the car]
Homer Simpson: You just ruined my car.
Bart Simpson: Correction, I just made it ten times more valuable.
Homer Simpson: Five thousand dollars? Woo-hoo!

Homer Simpson: Now, now, Homer. Can't strangle the boy on his mother's birthday. Juries hate that.

Homer Simpson: [Laying his head on the cedar chips on the rabbit cage] This isn't so comfortable. I don't see how a rabbit can...
[falls asleep]

Bart Simpson: From now on, if anyone laughs at you, they're gonna have to go through me.
Homer Simpson: What about the Incredible Hulk riding a rhinoceros? Are you gonna stop him from laughing?
Bart Simpson: Is the Hulk laughing, or the rhinoceros?
Homer Simpson: Both, but the rhinoceros doesn't know why, he's just trying to fit in.

Lisa Simpson: I don't get it. How can you be an undercover cop?
Shepard Fairey: Don't look so surprised. For thirty years I've been telling people to obey.
Abraham Simpson: What happened to you? You used to be the dean of the underground scene.
Shepard Fairey: I'm not about sucking up to posers anymore. I just sell them stuff now.


"The Simpsons: Angry Dad: The Movie (#22.14)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: That's it, boy! I'm eating your yogurt!
Marge Simpson: You ate his yogurt in the car.
Homer Simpson: He didn't know that.

Homer Simpson: Stupid boy. All you do is cost me money. Money I could be wasting.

Bart Simpson: That's Angry Dad, the semi-autobiographical web cartoon I created.
Homer Simpson: I legally forced him to say "semi".

Homer Simpson: My little Roman Polanski.
Marge Simpson: Homer!
Homer Simpson: What? What's wrong with being Roman Polanski?
[Marge whispers in his ear]
Homer Simpson: He what? You monster!
[strangles Bart]

Homer Simpson: Don't worry, son. Everyone makes mistakes. Yours is just public and expensive.

Bart Simpson: Angry Dad is nominated for an Oscar for Best Animated Short? I'm going to the Oscars! Not as a seat filler! I'm getting a gift basket! And I won't declare it!
Homer Simpson: Bart! It's the middle of Awards season. Who the hell is calling you at three in the morning?
Bart Simpson: Uh, no one. Wrong number.
Homer Simpson: If I find out it's the right number, you're in big trouble.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIII (#24.2)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: Lisa, do you have a stray dog in the basement?
Lisa Simpson: Well, it's worse than a stray dog.
Homer Simpson: Two stray dogs?
Lisa Simpson: It's a black hole.
Homer Simpson: That was going to be my next guess.
Lisa Simpson: Are you sure your next guess wasn't three stray dogs?
Homer Simpson: Maybe.

Homer Simpson: If anyone finds this footage after we're dead or missing, remember me as a hero.
Bart Simpson: Dad, you forgot to pick me up from little league!
Lisa Simpson: You threw your car keys in my bean plant!
Homer Simpson: A hero!
Ned Flanders: Homer, is that my camera?
Homer Simpson: Hero away!

Homer Simpson: Ice-cream with cookie dough? Unnecessarily big TVs? Thursday night football? And the globe feels so warm. I am in awe of the future!
[Chief Wiggum goes by on a Segway, asleep]
Homer Simpson: Okay, that's not so great.

Bart Simpson: Hey, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Who are you?
Bart Simpson: I'm your unwanted son from the future who kills all your fun.
Homer Simpson: Why you little!...
[Chokes Bart]

Homer Simpson: Before we begin, what's the safe word?
Demon: Cinnamon.
Homer Simpson: Oh, that's nice. Now, I'd like to try something new, if you don't mind.
Demon: Cinnamon! Cinnamon! Cinnamon!

Marge Simpson: [to a group of Homer's descendants] I just realized I married the wrong man. I was meant to be with all of you.
[a Homer in skins and a club grunts at her incoherently]
Marge Simpson: Even you, caveman Homer.
Homer Simpson: That's Renaissance Homer.


"The Simpsons: Colonel Homer (#3.20)" (1992)
Homer: Lurleen, wait.
Lurleen Lumpkin: Yeah?
Homer: I just wanted to say your song touched me deeply in a way I've never felt before... and which way to the can?

Lurleen Lumpkin: You know, no man's ever been nice to me without wanting something in return.
Homer: Well, I was going to ask you for a glass of water, but now I feel guilty about it.

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie - one to lie, and one to listen.
Marge: What does *that* mean?

Homer: Marge, you're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of managing a beautiful country singer.
Marge: Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie, and you did it at the county fair last year, remember?

Lurleen Lumpkin: You're just a big sack of sugar.
Homer: Thanks!... You did say "sugar," right?

Homer: Do you have your songs on a CD?
Lurleen Lumpkin: Sorry. Al my songs are up here.
[referring to her head]
Lurleen Lumpkin: "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears", "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It", "I'm Sick of Your Lyin' Lips and False Teeth".


"The Simpsons: Whiskey Business (#24.19)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: You want to erase the 2009 Oscar red carpet? But they had some amazing dresses, along with a few disasters!
Marge Simpson: Fine, then what should I erase?
Homer Simpson: I don't know, but hands off my Hoarders, don't erase any of my episodes of Episodes, and if you erase any of my episodes of Revenge...

Homer Simpson: First we have to make sure you're okay. Who's President now?
Moe Szyslak: Some jerk.
Homer Simpson: He's okay.

Marge Simpson: While we're away, Grampa is going to take care of you.
Abraham Simpson: [Giving baby food to the mailbox] You sure are a good eater, Maggie.
Marge Simpson: Bart, you take care of Grampa.

Abraham Simpson: I want a foot rub.
Bart Simpson: But do you need a foot rub?
Abraham Simpson: No one needs a foot rub. Now start rubbing!

Bart Simpson: So I did all of that for nothing?
Abraham Simpson: Sorry, I faked it like we fake loving your homemade gifts.
Bart Simpson: But mom said it was made with love.
Abraham Simpson: Did she?
Bart Simpson: No.
Abraham Simpson: But what you did wasn't for nothing. You made these last two weeks the best two weeks of this horrible part of my life.
Bart Simpson: Aw, Grampa. You're the one thing I've ever taken care of that didn't die.
Abraham Simpson: I get that a lot.

Moe Szyslak: Without my magic suit, I'm nothin'.
Marge Simpson: Moe, have you ever heard the story of Dumbo the elephant?
Moe Szyslak: I didn't go to the movies much as a child. I worked at a pierogi factory. Stick in the potato, fold in the dough, that was my Star Wars.
Marge Simpson: Dumbo had a magic feather that made him fly, but then he found out that the feather wasn't magic. The magic was inside him all along.
Lisa Simpson: Let me get this straight: Moe is Dumbo, the whiskey is Dumbo's ears, and we're that bunch of racist crows?
Homer Simpson: Honey, the crows weren't racist. The people who drew them were.


"The Simpsons: The Trouble with Trillions (#9.20)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Marge, you wouldn't believe it! They sell shredded meat on the street corners!
Cuban Vendor Boy: Es Carne de Burro.
[translation: "It's Donkey Meat"]
Homer Simpson: It's nice to meet you.

Mr. Burns: Well, if it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that!
Homer Simpson: God bless America!

Homer Simpson: Does this make me look fat?
Lisa Simpson: No, it makes you look like a tool of government oppression.
Homer Simpson: But not fat?

Homer: But I can't leave the country. What about my wife and kids?
Smithers: That can be shipped.

Homer Simpson: [Homer doing his taxes] Okay, Marge, if anyone asks: You require 24-hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam.

Homer Simpson: [fleeing from the IRS with Mr. Burns] We'll hide out at my place. I've got beer.


"The Simpsons: The PTA Disbands (#6.21)" (1995)
Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike, you just go in every day and do it really half-assed - that's the American way.

Lisa: Relax? I can't relax. Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God! I'm losing my perspicacity. Aaaaah!
Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look.

Lisa: I'll never get into the ivy league now. At this rate, I probably won't even get into Vassar.
Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady!

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.
Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
[Looks out window]
Bart: [creepily] Hello, mother dear.
Marge: That's it, we have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here.
[Lisa walks in]
Homer: In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Homer: How was everyone's day at school?
Bart: Horrible.
Lisa: Pointless.
Marge: Exhausting. It took the class 40 minutes to locate Canada on a map.
Homer: Oh, honey, anyone could miss Canada. All tucked way down there.

Homer: When you don't like your job, you don't go on strike, you do your job half-assed. That's the American way.


"The Simpsons: The Great Wife Hope (#21.3)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: Dad loves Ultimate Punching more than I do. Tell her, dad.
Homer Simpson: [Flatly] Ultimate Punching is immoral and dangerous. Many studies confirm what your mom just said.
Bart Simpson: Wait a minute.
[Sniffs Homer's breath]
Bart Simpson: Chocolate, frosting, cherry... She got to you! With a piece of Bavarian chocolate cake!
Homer Simpson: [Crying] It wasn't just a piece, it was the whole cake! Frosting like snow, on the eaves of a Bavarian castle!
Bart Simpson: At least you didn't come cheap.
Homer Simpson: I couldn't help it! She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!

Homer Simpson: Marge, of all the crazy things I've done, this is the craziest, and you're doing it!

Lisa Simpson: This goes against every feminist bone in my body, but dad, can't you control your woman?
Homer Simpson: How could I? I have nothing to withhold.

Bart Simpson: Sir, could you please sign my program with a swear word?
Homer Simpson: Yes, and make it filthy but obscure, with a subtle scatological undertone.
Chuck Liddell: That'll be fifty bucks.
Homer Simpson: Pay the man, boy.

Homer Simpson: There's no violence like self-inflicted violence.

Lisa Simpson: Mom, there has to be another way.
Homer Simpson: [Dressed as Marge] There certainly is. Marge Simpson reporting for duty.
[Imitates Marge's irritated murmur]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, there is no way anyone is going to fall for that.
Moe Szyslak: Well, Marge, ready to come with me to my high school reunion?
Homer Simpson: Moe, there's something I need to tell you. It's really me, Homer.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, but last year I took Barney dressed as Marge. Think how much better you'll look.
Homer Simpson: All right. But you'd better not leave me alone to talk to your friends.
Moe Szyslak: Hey, you keep talking like that and I'll leave you here right now.


"The Simpsons: Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-Annoyed-Grunt-cious (#8.13)" (1997)
Shary Bobbins: I do everything from changing diapers to telling stories.
Abe Simpson: Put me down for one of each!

Lisa Simpson: [as Shary flies away] Will we see her again, dad?
Homer Simpson: I'm sure we will, honey...
[Shary gets sucked into a jet plane's engine]
Homer Simpson: ...I'm sure we will.

Shary Bobbins: Hello. I'm Sharry Bobbins.
Homer Simpson: [excited] Did you say Mary Pop...?
Shary Bobbins: No! I definitely did not! I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse and Monald Muck.

Barney: [as Sherry Bobbins is leaving] Bye Superman.
Lisa: Dad, do you think we'll ever see Sherry Bobbins again?
Homer: I'm sure we will, honey.
[She is sucked into a jet engine in the background]
Homer: I'm sure we will.

Lisa Simpson: [as Shary flies away] Will we see her again, dad?
Homer Simpson: I'm sure we will, honey.
[Shary gets sucked into a jet plane's engine]
Homer Simpson: I'm sure we will.

Homer: All right, Marge. We'll get your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War Recreation Society I love so much.
[cut to Moe's]
Moe: All right, Homer's out. We'll need a new General Ambrose Burnside.
Barney: I'm not too fond of our Stonewall Jackson, either.
Apu: The South shall COME AGAIN.


"The Simpsons: The War of Art (#25.15)" (2014)
Lisa Simpson: [Her guinea pig goes into a mousehole] He's in the walls. I hear chewing.
Bart Simpson: No, that's a much larger animal.
Homer Simpson: [In the kitchen on the other side of the wall] Kettlecorn: the heroin of the farmer's market.

Homer Simpson: We could have what these people have, a financial cushion. No more living paycheck to paycheck, always one lost retainer away from the gutter.
Marge Simpson: I could write a check with today's date on it.
Homer Simpson: That's the cushion.

Homer Simpson: Here's what makes great art: one, nudity; two, holograms; three, horrible things happening to Jesus.

Lisa Simpson: I can't believe I'm really going! My first trip to providence.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, yeah. Just remember, if your mother asks, I took you to a wine tasting.
Lisa Simpson: That's a terrible thing for a father to do.
Homer Simpson: That's why she'll believe it.

Homer Simpson: To me, it looks like garbage salad. But that's the great thing about art. Everyone can have their own opinion on why it sucks.

Homer Simpson: That was real cold, Luanne! Real cold! Brr! Sarcastic brr!


"The Simpsons: Much Apu About Nothing (#7.23)" (1996)
Homer: What? This is the highest tax increase in history!
Lisa: Actually it's the lowest tax increase in history, dad.
Homer: I pay the Homer tax. Let the bears pay the bear tax.
Lisa: That's home owners tax, dad.
Homer: Either way, I'm still outraged.

Homer: We're here, we're Queer, and we don't want any more bears!

[Homer helps Apu study for his naturalization exam]
Homer: [pointing to an American flag] Now, can you identify this object?
Apu: It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the library last year.
Homer: Correct!

Bart: Hey Apu. Why don't you marry some American broad and then dump her after you get your citizenship?
Homer: [Later] Selma my dear, how are you? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a minute. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name is already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nehassapassapena whatever. From now on I'm marrying for love and once again for money.

Homer: Down with taxes! Down with taxes!
Helen Lovejoy: Will someone please think of the children?

Homer: Well, there's not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol is sure doing its job.
Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, sweetie.
Lisa: Dad, what if I were to tell you that this rock keeps away tigers.
Homer: Uh-huh, and how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't work. It's just a stupid rock.
Homer: I see.
Lisa: But you don't see any tigers around, do you?
Homer: Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock.


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Lisa and the Eighth Commandment (#2.13)" (1991)
Homer: Family, gather round, I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable.
Bart, Lisa: Cable?
Bart: All right.
Homer: That's right, sixty-eight channels, MTV for the kids, VH1 for us, sixteen hours of quality programming a day.
Marge: I don't know, Homer, we've discussed cable before. Do you really think we can afford this?
Homer: Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can afford it.
Marge: Mmmm, are you sure this is legal?
Homer: Relax, Marge. Read this.
[Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So You've Decided To Steal Cable"]
Marge: "Myth: it's wrong to view quality motion pictures for free. Fact: most movies that air on cable rate two stars or lower and are repeated ad nauseam." I don't know...

Marge: So, what did you children learn about today?
Bart: Hell.
Homer: Bart!
Bart: What? That's what we learned about. I'm sure as *hell* can't tell you we learned about *hell* unless I say *hell*, can I?
Homer: The lad's got a point.
Bart: Hell, yes!
Marge: Bart!
Bart: Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell!
Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school. Don't swear.

Homer: Something's wrong with that kid. She's so... moral. Why can't she be more like... well, not like Bart, but there has to be a happy medium.

[after Lisa runs screaming out of the room]
Marge: What's gotten into her?
Bart: Beats the hell out of me.
Homer: Bart!

[Homer sees Mr. Burns coming up his driveway]
Homer: Bart, quick! Help me hide the stuff I borrowed from work!
Bart: "Borrowed"?
Homer: All right, the stuff I stole from work!
Bart: Oh! Okay.

Homer: The foot is coming down! Cable stays. The foot has spoken.


The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)
Homer Simpson: Oh, great, now I have alien masters.

Homer Simpson: Donuts - is there anything they can't do?

Homer Simpson: Marge, my brain hurts!

Homer Simpson: I wish *we* had a gingerbread house.

Grampa Simpson: In my day, donuts could float.

Grampa Simpson: I enjoy being a girl.


"The Simpsons: Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore (#15.12)" (2004)
Homer Simpson: [drunk] But I don't wanna go home. I'm not done talking to me.

Homer Simpson: [Upon hearing of Apu and Manjula's wedding anniversary] That's great! I'm honoured to drink to Apu and uh... Apulina!

Homer Simpson: [after a woman gives him money thinking he is a beggar] Five bucks? I don't need your charity. I'll dance for my money!
[Begins to dance while humming a belly dancing theme]

Homer Simpson: Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people!

Lisa Simpson: [Thinking] Oh my God, my brother's my best friend!
Marge Simpson: [Thinking] Diamonds! I can't believe he bought me diamonds!
Homer Simpson: [Thinking whilst looking in the mirror] Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the baldest one of all?

Homer: [Bart has offended Lisa, and he's surprised she's visibly angry at him after saying that nothing is wrong between them] Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something *isn't* funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!


"The Simpsons: Make Room for Lisa (#10.16)" (1999)
Lisa Simpson: I can't believe you did this dad. Why didn't you put that thing in your room?
Homer Simpson: Hmm, that thought never occurred to me. Funny how your mind works in a crisis.

Homer Simpson: Ah no. No freezing.
Owner: No Mr. Simpson. This is a sensory deprivation tank. It blocks out all the external distractions that bombard our souls.
Homer Simpson: Can you pee in it?
Lisa Simpson: I'll take two hours!
Homer Simpson: Me too.

Lisa: Dad, I still don't understand how you could just give my room away?
Homer: Honey, what's your favorite movie?
Lisa: Well, until you taped over it, "The Little Mermaid".
Homer: That's right. "The Odd Couple". Meet your new, comically mismatched roommate- Bart.
Bart: I'm going to make your life a living hell.
Lisa: Ohh...
[Homer hums "Odd Couple" theme, shoves Lisa into the room and runs away]

Homer: Come on, Lisa. Try and see this from the Omnitouch Corporation's point of view.

Dr. Hibbert: Lisa, I'm afraid your tummyache may be caused by stress.
Homer: Whew. That's a relief.

Homer: If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.


"The Simpsons: Gorgeous Grampa (#24.14)" (2013)
Grampa Simpson: [as Gorgeous Godfrey] You are the luckiest people in the world: you get to look at me!

Homer Simpson: Why are you reading on such a beautiful day when there's TV to watch.
Lisa Simpson: Well, it is the golden age of well-written, well-acted television.
Homer Simpson: Pfft! Writing is for bathroom walls and acting is for getting out of speeding tickets. Television was created to watch white trash men do made-up jobs.

Homer Simpson: [Marge is crying] Marge, what's wrong?
Marge Simpson: I so wanted your father to be gay.
Grampa Simpson: On VE Day I kissed a man by mistake.
Marge Simpson: Thank you.

Homer Simpson: My father was not gay! He was just a man whose wife left him because he didn't show her love or attention.
[Beat]
Homer Simpson: Oh, my gay dad is gay for gays!

Homer Simpson: Spill the beans, old man! Word beans!

Homer Simpson: Should I let the men who ruined my past and present have dinner with the boy who will ruin my future?
Bart Simpson: I'll send you some desert.
Homer Simpson: Text me the options.


"The Simpsons: Tennis the Menace (#12.12)" (2001)
Kent Brockman: We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: Get off my property.

Homer: What are you kids doing?
Lisa, Bart: Practicing tennis
Homer: That's tennis? Then what's that sport where the chicks whale on each other?
Bart: Foxy Boxing?
Homer: [disappointedly] Yes. That's what I wanted. Oh.
[Homer cries]

Homer Simpson: Who are you?
Andre Agassi: I'm Andre Agassi.
Homer Simpson: The wrestler?

Lisa: Dad, I think you're overreacting.
Homer: I think you're UNDERreacting.
Lisa: This session's over.
Homer: This session's UNDER.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: BADbye.

Homer: [to a picture of Bart] That's the guy! That's the guy from my dream!

Lisa: Are you sure you want me to be your double's partner?
Homer: Absolutely, sweetie.
Lisa: And you're not doing it out of spite?
Homer: No, of course not! Now aim for your mother's heart.
[points at a cardboard model of Marge]


"The Simpsons: How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window? (#22.7)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: [chasing Santa's Little Helper around the backyard] Stupid dog! Let go of that delicious bird!

Moe Szyslak: Have you ever thought of racing that bird?
Homer Simpson: You can bet on pigeons?
Moe Szyslak: Hey, if it moves you can bet on it.
Bart Simpson: What about the Detroit Lions?
Moe Szyslak: Hey, lay off Detroit. Them people is going through Mad Max times.

Bart Simpson: I don't know. This coop looks a little flimsy.
Homer Simpson: Flimsy, eh? This gentle pat says different.
[Homer pats coop; the staples pop off and the frame collapses; the chicken wire rolls up back into the box and the staples fall in place to close it]
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Homer Simpson: Me, the patriarch of a pigeon-racing dynasty.
[Thought bubble shows Homer with trophy; Danica Patrick appears]
Danica Patrick: Congratulations, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Danica Patrick in my thoughts?
Danica Patrick: That's right, Homer. I'm contractually obligated by my sponsors to appear in random fan's fantasies. Better not tell Marge about it.
Marge Simpson: You brickyard bimbo!
[They fight; the thought bubble fades]
Homer Simpson: I ended that a little too soon.
[Thought bubble reappears with Danica and Marge beating up Homer]
Homer Simpson: What they don't suspect is that I'm into this.

Marge Simpson: A doctor who treats kids and pets?
Dr. Thurmond: Hey, in this economy I'll even remove tattoos.
Homer Simpson: Can you remove my tramp stamp? I got the idea from watching a show where people regret these.

Homer Simpson: Listen to the man, Marge. He pays Bart's salary.
Marge Simpson: No, he doesn't.
Homer Simpson: Why don't you ever support my gibberish? I'd do it if you were stupid.


"The Simpsons: Bart's Comet (#6.14)" (1995)
Bart: What's really amazing is this is exactly what Dad said would happen!
Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right!
Homer: I know, kids, I'm scared too!

Lisa: It blew up the bridge! We're doomed!
Homer: It's times like this I wish I were a religious man.
Reverend Lovejoy: [running down the street, crazes] It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer! AAAHHH!

Homer: Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it. I can't take this anymore. I can't let that brave man out there die alone. I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you - especially his children. I'm going out there!
[goes out, slams door behind him, then pops his head back in]
Homer: It was a baby ox.
Moe: He's right, you know.
Principal Skinner: [surprised] About the ox?
Moe: About everything, dammit! Hey Homer, wait up. I want to die too.
Apu: If you are going, I am going.
Barney Gumble: Me too!
[everyone assents and leaves]

Kent Brockman: Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. Doesn't seem to matter now, so... the following people are gay.
[a list flashes by hurriedly]
Marge Simpson: Turn it off!
Homer: [copying down the list quickly] Just a second...

Abe Simpson: Sounds like the doomsday whistle! Ain't been blown for nigh onto three years.
Jasper: Tsk, tsk, tsk... trouble abrewing.

Homer: [at dinner] ... and then I sped away without anyone seeing my license plate.
Lisa: Sounds like you had a good day today, Dad.
Homer: Yeah... except I forgot to go to work.
[everyone looks at him silently]
Marge Simpson: What did you do today, Bart?
Bart: What didn't I do?
[hands his mother a newspaper]
Marge Simpson: [reading] "Boy Discovers Comet"...
Lisa: What?
Marge Simpson: "A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet to be known as the 'Bart Simpson Comet'." Oh honey, I'm so proud of you!
Bart: But then, you've *always* been proud of me.
Marge Simpson: [pauses] Yes...


"The Simpsons: Black-Eyed, Please (#24.15)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Look at the size of that bird. I'd go Henry VIII on those drumsticks.

Ned Flanders: I want you hit me in the eye. If you do, we'll be even according to Exodus, Leviticus and Matthew.
Homer Simpson: So you went and hired a law firm, eh?

Dr. Hibbert: You'll need to wear an eyepatch for a couple of weeks, but I'm afraid you might never see another 3-D movie again.
Homer Simpson: But the storytelling is finally catching up to the technology.

Edna Krabappel: Only one way to get rid of her: the nuclear option.
Homer Simpson: How much plutonium do you need? I must warn you, it might take me twenty minutes to get it.

Ned Flanders: How long has it been since we prayed together, neighbor?
Homer Simpson: This is praying? Get me out of here!

Homer Simpson: Unions are the worst. There's this one guy at the plant. Has caused three meltdowns, and he's still working there.
Marge Simpson: Homer, that's you.
Homer Simpson: Oh. I say union, you say power. Union!
Marge Simpson: [flatly] Power.
Homer Simpson: Union!
Marge Simpson: Power.
Homer Simpson: [Whispers] You're a little flat on the powers, but don't worry. The union's got our backs.


"The Simpsons: $pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (#5.10)" (1993)
Lisa: [about her state costume] I'm a monster!
Homer: No, lisa, you're not a monster. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor! We must save your mother from his neon claws!

[Lisa has had a nightmare]
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the boogeyman was after me, and he was hiding under...
Homer: Ahhhhhhhhhh! Boogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!
[Homer bursts into Bart's room]
Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house!
Bart: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Homer: Well, that's nothing because you have a gambling problem!
Marge: Homer! When you forgive someone you don't rub it in!

[Homer is a Blackjack dealer]
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
James Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer.
[Homer deals Bond a card]
James Bond: Joker? You were supposed to take those out.
Homer: Oh, sorry.
[Homer deals Bond another card]
James Bond: What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond...
[Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him]
James Bond: But it was Homer's fault. I can't lose. I never lose.
[Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino]
James Bond: At least tell me your plans for world domination.
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho, ho, I'm not falling for *that* one again.

Homer: [Ranting loudly] YURGIDDAFURDARATAARA.
Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down.
Homer: [Calmly and slowly] Yurgiddafurdarataara.
Marge: Think before you say each word.
Homer: You broke a promise to your child.

[Homer finds a pair of horn-rimmed glasses floating in a toilet bowl. He puts them on, then puts a finger to his head, a la the Scarecrow in "The Wizard of Oz."]
Homer: [rapidly] The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triange is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
Man in Stall: That's a right triangle, ya idiot!
Homer: D'oh!


"The Simpsons: Hungry Hungry Homer (#12.15)" (2001)
duff stadium guard: [walking to microphone in the middle of the stadium] so homer how do you feel?
Homer Simpson: me... meatloaf "hung-y"...

Homer Simpson: [singing] I'm trying to ease my stomach pains. I'm moving my legs so my stomach won't hurt. I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way.

Homer: Me hungry.

[after days and days on a hunger strike, Homer hallucinates]
Homer: Hey, who are you?
Ghost: The ghost of Cesar Chavez.
Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
Ghost: Cause you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like.

Homer: Dancing away my hunger pain... moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt... I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way...
Moe: Jeez, Homer's losing it already.
Carl: Yeah but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile.

Homer: And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way, because that's the kind of guy I am this week.


"The Simpsons: Politically Inept, with Homer Simpson (#23.10)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: Hello, I'm Homer Simpson. I'm not just another blowhard. I say the things you think but are afraid to say. But not racist things!

Homer Simpson: All I want is what everyone wants: preferential treatment.

Bart Simpson: From now on, if someone asks, I'll say you are my father.
Homer Simpson: Oh, son. Now I regret bad-mouthing you to that girl you like.

Homer Simpson: Marge, I'm off to meet the Republican Party to select their new candidate. If there's sandwiches, do you want me to bring some?

Homer Simpson: My fellow Americans, I am full of crap.
Lisa Simpson: I knew you were, dad. I always knew.

Homer Simpson: You can check my carry-on, but you can't check my spirit! And why is there moisture between the windows? And don't wake me up to land! Just LAND!


"The Simpsons: The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants (#23.7)" (2011)
Robert Marlowe: Before you say yes, I feel it is my duty to inform you that accounts men lose their souls.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! No more church!

Robert Marlowe: There isn't enough bourbon in Kentucky for you, big fella.
Homer Simpson: The Governor wrote me a letter to that effect.

Homer Simpson: I can't believe I'm having lunch with the Mayor. Next time I vote for you, It'll be on purpose.

Bart Simpson: You want me to read to Lisa? You might as well ask me to kiss her.
Marge Simpson: If you kissed your sister, that would be lovely.
Bart Simpson: All right! I'll read to her!
Homer Simpson: And kiss her.
Lisa Simpson: Doesn't anyone want my opinion on this?

[Homer is trying to decide which raft to save from going over the falls]
Homer Simpson: My coworkers are like family, but in many ways my family is like family.
Marge Simpson: Homer, I gave you three kids.
Homer Simpson: Whose side are you on?
Marge Simpson: Your side! I've always been on your side!

Robert Marlowe: These cocktail tools have been handed down from accounts man to accounts man since the beginning of time, 1956.
Homer Simpson: Why can't you be my father instead of my real father?
Robert Marlowe: If your mom was a secretary, there's a good chance I am.


"The Simpsons: Mother Simpson (#7.8)" (1995)
[kicking Walt Whitman's tombstone]
Homer: Damn you, Walt Whitman! I-hate-you-Walt-freaking-Whitman! "Leaves of Grass", my ass!

Marge: Homer!
Homer: That's my name.
Marge: When I asked you if you bought that dummy to fake your own death, you told me "no".

[after finding out the grave he thought was his mother's is Walt Whitman's]
Homer: Maybe it's that other grave! The one that says "Simpson"!
[sees it's his own]
Homer: AHH! Why does my death keep coming back to haunt me?

Abe Simpson: [to Homer's mother] You were a horrible wife, a horrible mother, and I'll never forgive you! Can we have sex?

[on being reunited with his grandmother]
Bart Simpson: Hey! You missed my entire childhood! You owe me for missed birthdays, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and good report cards.
[punching numbers on a calculator]
Bart Simpson: Let's see, 75 bucks a pop, with interest and penalties. You owe me... $22,000.
Homer: [enraged] I'll Kwanzaa you!
[starts strangling Bart]

Marge: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven.
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?


"The Simpsons: HOMR (#12.9)" (2001)
[removal of the crayon in Homer's brain will either increase his brain power, or possibly kill him]
Homer: Increase my killing power, eh?

[pointing at his chest]
Homer: There's a crayon in my brain?

Homer: Family meeting. Family meeting.
[the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats]
Homer: Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.
[all laugh]
Homer: All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
Lisa: Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it.
Marge: Well, maybe if you'd eat some meat you'd have a natural lubricant.
[gasps and turns to Homer]
Marge: You lost all our money?
Homer: Point of order - I didn't lose ALL the money. There was enough left for this cowbell.
[rings it softly and the bell breaks apart in his hands]
Homer: Damn you, eBay!

[Lisa is missing a crayon; Homer had a crayon removed from his brain making him smarter]
Marge: [reassuringly] Sweetheart, the missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer: [crashes through living room window and holds up two fistfuls of tickets] Who wants lottery tickets?
Marge: [resigned] Okay, it's in his brain.
[leaves]

Homer: I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

Homer: Lisa, why didn't you warn me? Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends.
Lisa: Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact I made a graph...
[wistfully]
Lisa: I make a lot of graphs...


"The Simpsons: Mypods and Boomsticks (#20.7)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: So, now that we're alone, death to America, right?

Moe Szyslak: Homer, this is serious. That Bashir kid is Muslim, and that means he's up to something.
Homer Simpson: I really shouldn't pass judgment until I see a fictional TV show espousing your point of view.

Marge Simpson: Remember our deal: we each get to return one Christmas gift with no hurt feelings. I'm returning this kitten calendar.
[Calendar has "from Bart" sticker on it]
Lisa Simpson: Um, I'm also returning the kitten calendar.
Homer Simpson: Kitten calendar.
[Maggie holds up calendar]
Bart Simpson: But those are fifteen month calendars. That means three extra kittens.
[He takes all the calendars]
Bart Simpson: Fine. That's the last time I shop for all of you at the last minute.

Homer Simpson: [about a banner that reads "Sorry for my intolerance"] That banner has paid for itself over the years.

Bashir: Excuse me, sir. Your son dropped this.
[Gives Homer Bart's slingshot]
Homer Simpson: Sir? That's the kind of respect you have to strangle out of American kids.
Bashir: Bart didn't tell me he had an older brother.
Homer Simpson: [Flatered laughter] I'm really 38.
Bashir: 38 waist, I'd believe.
[Homer laughs]

Homer Simpson: I heard somewhere your people are hospitable.
Mina: That is true. You may come in.
Homer Simpson: Praised be Oliver!
Mina: That's Allah.
Homer Simpson: We'll look it up in the Corona.


"The Simpsons: Bart Carny (#9.12)" (1998)
Homer: Oh, he's sitting in the ass-groove. It took me years to work in that groove!

Marge: How are we going to get those hicks out of our house?
Bart: We could start a fire and smoke 'em out.
Marge: No fires.
Lisa: [pauses for a moment] Well, we could start a fire...
Marge: No fires.
Homer: [enthusiastically] I got it...
Marge: No fires!

Bart: We're natural-born Carnies, Dad. If only we weren't tied down with a family.
Homer: Yeah. We could start our own game, where people throw ducks at balloons and nothing's the way it seems.

Chief Wiggum: Uh, I hate to interrupt your fun boys, but I got a few complaints that your game is crooked.
Homer: [laughs] And how.
Chief Wiggum: Gee, I'd hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, uh, understanding here.
[holds out his hand]
Homer: [monotone] I understand.
Bart: Um, hey, Dad, I... I think he wants...
Homer: Not right now, Son. Daddy's talking to a policeman.
Chief Wiggum: Uh, let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend Bill.
[glances down at the cash box]
Chief Wiggum: Have you seen any Bills around here?
Homer: No.
[points to Bart]
Homer: He's Bart.
Chief Wiggum: [groans] Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay?
Homer: Okay.
Chief Wiggum: The guy I'm really looking for, wink,
[winks]
Chief Wiggum: is Mr. Bribe, wink, wink.
[winks twice]
Homer: It's a ring toss game.
Chief Wiggum: All right, that's it. I'm shutting this game down.

Homer: You can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with their crooked games.

[Homer is taunting a shark]
Homer: Come on Sharky. Call yourself the king of the jungle?


"The Simpsons: The Ned-Liest Catch (#22.22)" (2011)
Edna Krabappel: In all my years of teaching, I've never raised my hand at a student.
Homer Simpson: But you learned. You grew.
Marge Simpson: Homer! You never strike a child. Just leave the crust on their sandwiches. They'll get the message.

Edna Krabappel: So I get paid to do nothing all day?
Principal Seymour Skinner: I'm afraid it's not that simple.
Superintendent Chalmers: Who's in charge of this meeting, Skinner?
Homer Simpson: [whispers to Marge] I thought I was.

Homer Simpson: [Greeting Ned and Edna at the door] Well, if it isn't the local schoolmarm... and his new girlfriend. Ha, ha, ha! That's a burn on you, Flanders.

Bart Simpson: Having Krabappel next door is nothing but trouble. Kids and teachers can't live together. We're natural enemies, like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.
Homer Simpson: We need to break up Teachie and Preachie. Here's how we'll do it: I'll take Flanders to remind him of the care-free single life, and you scare Rod and Tod by telling them that Edna will be their evil stepmother.
Bart Simpson: If there's anything fairy tales have taught us is that first wives are perfect and second wives are horrible.
Homer Simpson: Just the opposite of real life.

Homer Simpson: I never dreamed that beneath all those diddlies and doodlies there was a dude.

Edna Krabappel: You're darn lucky to have Ned Flanders as a neighbor.
Ned Flanders: Language.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, language.


"The Simpsons: Marge Be Not Proud (#7.11)" (1995)
Homer Simpson: STEALING! How could you? Why do you think I took you to see all those "Police Academy" movies, FOR FUN? I DIDN'T HEAR ANYONE LAUGHING, DID YOU? except at that guy who made sound effects.
[Tries to do a few]
Homer Simpson: Now where was I? Oh, yeah: stay away from my booze.

Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church? Captain What's-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing. Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom. Beep. Honk. Honk. Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.

Bart Simpson: Buy me "Bonestorm" or go to hell!
Marge Simpson: Bart!
Homer Simpson: Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please".
Bart Simpson: It's the coolest video game ever!
Marge Simpson: I'm sorry, honey, but those games cost up to and including $70. And they're violent, and they distract you from your schoolwork.
Bart Simpson: Those are all good points, but the problem is, they don't result in me getting the game.
Homer Simpson: I know how you feel, Bart. When I was your age, I wanted an electric football game more than anything in the world. And my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life.
[pause]
Homer Simpson: Well, good night.

Homer Simpson: [pressing "play" on the answering machine] Hmm, we didn't have a message when we left. How very odd.
Allan Sherman: [sings] Hello, Muddah, hello, Faddah. Here I am at Camp Granada.
Homer Simpson: Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada?

Homer: Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.

Don Brodka: [Jabbing his finger in Bart's chest] I thought I told you, don't return for busted merchandise.
Homer Simpson: What are you doing to my son?
Don Brodka: I'm afraid your son broke the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not steal.
Marge Simpson: That's crazy. Bart's not a shoplifter, he's just a little boy.
Don Brodka: Oh, sure, now he's just a little boy stealing little toys. But someday, he'll be a grown man stealing stadiums and - and quarries.
Marge Simpson: My son may not be perfect, but I know in my heart he's not a shoplifter.


"The Simpsons: Brick Like Me (#25.20)" (2014)
Homer Simpson: I don't wanna go to church. I'm too busy going crazy.

Homer Simpson: [about Survival Games] I just want to see kids fight to the death, that's all!

Homer Simpson: Kiss my flat, plastic butt, reality!

Homer Simpson: I wish I lived in Little Springfield, where everything fits together and no one ever gets hurt.

Homer Simpson: [Seeing real Homer in his reflection] Marge, did you replace our regular mirror with a magical mirror from a mystical salesman at a weird shop that if we went back to find it it wouldn't be there anymore?


"The Simpsons: The Fight Before Christmas (#22.8)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: Hey, I thought you didn't want a Christmas tree.
Lisa Simpson: I didn't at first, but this tree is to remind us of mom. It serves as a reminder that someday this war will be over.
Homer Simpson: And someday TV will be invented, and it will be free, at first.
Lisa Simpson: Until then, this tree will stand for mom and everything she stands for: hope, family, and sweeping up dried needles.

Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns! What are you doing here?
Mr. Burns: I got a visit from three Christmas spirits.
Abe Simpson: [on a balcony with Jasper] I wish this show got a visit from three new writers.
[He and Jasper laugh]

Abe Simpson: Well, it looks like this'll finally kill it.
Jasper: The Simpsons?
Abe Simpson: No, Christmas.

Agnes Skinner: How come you're not off fighting like a real man?
Homer Simpson: I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.

Homer Simpson: Don't worry. I'm sure if something happened to your mother, they would have told us.
Pimple-faced Teen: Telegram!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[reads telegram]
Homer Simpson: "Marge Simpson is now MIA"? Oh, no! She changed her name to Mia!
Pimple-faced Teen: No, that means she's missing in action.
[Homer cries]
Lisa Simpson: See? Everytime we get a tree, something bad happens.
[runs away]
Homer Simpson: I wish it were me instead of her!
Pimple-faced Teen: There's still time. The recruitment office is right...
Homer Simpson: Shut up.


"The Simpsons: Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind (#19.9)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: Kids, have you seen your mother? Or yourselves?

Homer Simpson: Something happened in this room. If only these walls could talk. Then people would pay to see my talking walls, and I could use that money to... Oh, another memory!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss.
Homer Simpson: Really? Who was it with?
Bart Simpson: Uh... Apu.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah.

Homer Simpson: Ah, I got my memory back and my life is ruined!
Dr Frink: Well, if you can't take the Neural Activity, stay out of the Neural Activator! Mm-Bwa-hey!

Dr Frink: All the easy research and engineering has been done. Now there's just the much harder business of coming up with the name.
Homer Simpson: The Remembererererer?
Dr Frink: Well, it's not important.


"The Simpsons: The Dad Who Knew Too Little (#14.8)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: How ironic. Now he's blind after a life of enjoying being able to see.

Lisa Simpson: [At a protest against animal testing of consumer products] Look at the way they're slathering cosmetics on those helpless pigs!
Homer Simpson: So sad... yet so sexy... yet so delicious.

Homer Simpson: More free samples.
Bart Simpson: Dad, you ate all the free samples! Now you're eating man's slacks!
Homer Simpson: It's still better than Indian food.

Lisa Simpson: [expecting the diary] I wonder what this could be...
Homer Simpson: I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!
Lisa Simpson: Could it be some kind of book?
Homer Simpson: Well, yes and no...
[Lisa unwraps it]
Homer Simpson: Mostly no.

Bartender in video: Bad news, Sherrif...
Homer Simpson: [voice-over] Lisa Simpson!
Bartender in video: Some Indians took all the...
Homer Simpson: McNuggets! Mmm, McNuggets
[drools]
Homer Simpson: .


"The Simpsons: Poppa's Got a Brand New Badge (#13.22)" (2002)
Homer Simpson: You know, I've had a lot of jobs. Boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carnie, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.
Marge Simpson: If you like protecting people, you can make that your job. You know, start a security company.
Homer Simpson: [kisses Marge] Finally a way to combine my love of helping people with my love of hurting people.

Homer: [to Marge] You know, I've had a lot of jobs... boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.

Homer: That's it. This job is too dangerous. I'm giving this badge to the first person I see.
Chief Wiggum: That's funny because this is how I got this job the first time.
Marge: Thank you, chief for saving my husband's life.
Chief Wiggum: I didn't do anything. They took my gun and my badge. They would have gotten my squad car too if I hadn't hidden it under some hay.
Homer: Then who shot all of the gangsters?
[Maggie looks out of the window and cocks her gun and hides it under her crib mattress]
Homer: It's time to go check on Maggie.
Marge: Isn't she sweet? She's probably thinking of the day that she shot Mr Burns.
Homer: Yeah.

Homer Simpson: I felt like a big man pushing that kid around.

Bart: Can I have a beer?
Homer: All right, but not the imported.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: You've got to set limits, Marge.


"The Simpsons: Burns' Heir (#5.18)" (1994)
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Actor Homer: I do not miss Bart at all.
Actor Marge: I am glad he's gone.
Actress Lisa: As am I.
Actor Homer: [drops sandwich] Boh!
Bart: It's probably my imagination but something about them didn't seem quite right.
Mr. Burns: Really? excuse me for just a moment.
Mr. Burns: [Mr.Burns walks from the control room out into the studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place] People, that was all wrong. Homer Simpson does not say Boh! He says.
[checks script]
Mr. Burns: Doh!
Actor Homer: [taking off a Homer mask to reveal someone who looks suspiciously like Michael Caine] Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some sort of neurological impairment, like "Rain Man" or "Awakenings"? I mean, what the hell am I doing here?
Actor Marge: And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of "Murphy Brown."
Actress Lisa: Hey, we are really getting into golden time here.
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, do it right, or you'll all go back to doing "Come Blow Your Horn" at the Westport Dinner Theater.

Deprogrammer: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.
Marge Simpson: Are you sure you can get him back for us?
Deprogrammer: Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
Marge Simpson: What about Peter Fonda?
Deprogrammer: Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.
Homer: You idiot! He was the most talented one.

Homer: [attempting to get Bart out of Burns' mansion] Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead! Do your worst!

Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?


"The Simpsons: The Scorpion's Tale (#22.15)" (2011)
Grampa Simpson: Here, go buy yourself some rock and roll records.
Bart Simpson: To the antique store!

Grampa Simpson: Hold on there, Fritz. Before you squeeze out any of my grampa grease, ask me this question. What did you do during the war?
Walter Hottenhoffer: World War II? I wasn't born yet.
Grampa Simpson: Funny how many Germans say that nowadays.

Homer Simpson: Thanks for giving us a tour of your factory, Mr. Wonka.
Walter Hottenhoffer: I am not Willie Wonka.
Bart Simpson: No, you're Augustus Gloop, the fat German kid.
Walter Hottenhoffer: Yes, it's true. I am Gloop. Being stuck in that tube changed me in so many ways.

Grampa Simpson: Now that's what I call a fishing trip.
Homer Simpson: That's what I was going to say.

Bart Simpson: This is great. It's like we have our own monster.
Homer Simpson: Grampa is not a monster. Now let's take him down to the basement and chain him.
Grampa Simpson: Sounds fine to me.


"The Simpsons: Deep Space Homer (#5.15)" (1994)
Head of NASA: [Barney runs off drunk and wastes his chance at being an astronaut] Well, Homer, I guess that makes you the winner by default...
Homer: Default? The two sweetest words in the English language! De-FAULT! De-FAULT! De-FAULT!
NASA Assistant: [clubs Homer with a police sap]
Head of NASA: Where'd you get that thing?
NASA Assistant: Sent away.

Reporter 5#: Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending unqualified, under trained civilians into space?
Homer Simpson: The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... statue of liberty... that was our planet. You maniacs, you blew it up. Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Homer Simpson: You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day, I kept saying, "I'll go a little later, I'll go a little later..." And when I got there, they told me he just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he'll ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again!

[explaining why he believes he's finally going to win "Worker of the Week"]
Homer Simpson: "Union Rule 26: Every employee must win 'Worker of the Week' at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity or rank odor." Heh heh heh...

Homer Simpson: Stupid carbon rod. It's all a popularity contest.


"The Simpsons: How I Spent My Strummer Vacation (#14.2)" (2002)
Taxi Driver: [on TV show "Taxicab Conversations"] Where to, pal?
Homer: [drunk] Talky thing, ain't ya?
Lisa: [watching show] Another proud moment for the Simpson family.

Homer: Uh, Mr. Seltzer?
Brian Setzer: Setzer.
Homer: No, I think it's Seltzer.

Mick Jagger: [Homer is reluctant to leave the fantasy camp] Aw, cheer up, Homer! It's only rock 'n' roll camp.
Homer: But I like it!

Keith Richards: [at the rock and roll fantasy camp] We're here for one reason.
Homer: To rock!
Keith Richards: [accusingly] Who said that?
[Homer quickly points at Otto]
Keith Richards: That's right, Otto. We're here to rock.

Marge: I couldn't even wake you up for work this morning. I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea.
Homer: Oh! Couldn't you come up with a *less* embarrassing lie?
Marge: But you *did* have violent diarrhea! Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it's okay.
[Bart and Lisa shudder]


"The Simpsons: Wedding for Disaster (#20.15)" (2009)
[Marge is planning a second wedding to Homer]
Marge Simpson: I want every table to have two baskets of bread but only one plate of butter. That will stimulate conversation.
Homer Simpson: What if we...
Marge Simpson: There is no "we" in "wedding"!
Homer Simpson: But there is, Marge, the first two letters!
Marge Simpson: I can't believe you're ruining the second Thursday before the wedding!

Homer Simpson: [to Marge] You deserve a wedding that, unlike our children, was planned in advance.

Homer Simpson: Well, forget it, padre. We don't need a piece of paper to tell us we're happy. Me and the old lady have our own thing going on.
Marge Simpson: Who are you calling an old lady?
Homer Simpson: I need that paper, quick!

Homer Simpson: Reverend, what are you doing delivering our pizza? But we didn't order any pizza. Plus, you forgot the pizza. Marge, the pizza place screwed up again!

Homer Simpson: I'm chained to a wall like a common bicycle! But who would do that to me? It would have to be someone who could afford a chain.


"The Simpsons: E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) (#11.5)" (1999)
Homer: [Offering Tomacco] Try some, won't you?
Chief Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralpie; the stranger is offering you a treat!
Ralph: [Ralphie tries some, and spits it back out] Oh, Daddy! It tastes like Grandma!
Chief Wiggum: [Tries some, and spits it out] Holy Moses! It DOES taste like Grandma!
Ralph: I want more!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, me too!
[Ralphie starts eating more]
Chief Wiggum: Should we take a bushel or a peck, or - just give it to me!
[Eats]
Homer: [Chuckles]

Marge: Is that plutonium on your gums?
Homer: Shut up and kiss me!

Homer: Go get Lassie!
Bart: Lassie?
Homer: I mean Lisa.

[observing the farm's green glow after Homer put plutonium on it]
Marge: It's eerily beautiful. Are you sure it's safe?
Homer: You know what they say - sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
Marge: Where'd you get that from?
Homer: From the producers of "Waiting To Exhale".

[Homer has just been shot]
Lisa: You know, Dad, that's probably something you should go to the hospital for.
Homer: After pie.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIX (#20.4)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Hello, I'd like to vote for president, governor, and anything else that will take money away from our parks and libraries.

Homer Simpson: This doesn't happen in America! Maybe Ohio, but not in America!

Homer Simpson: Lisa, what's happening?
Lisa Simpson: If I were to guess, I'd say two alien races who have been fighting for centuries have chosen our planet to fight their final battle.
Homer Simpson: It is a good planet to settle things.

Lawyer: Mr. Simpson, you have a talent for killing celebrities.
Homer Simpson: Well, I'm no drunk driving.

Homer Simpson: Before you kill me, I have to know, what is the one true religion?
Krusty The Klown: It's a mixture of voodoo and Methodist.


"The Simpsons: Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily (#7.3)" (1995)
Bart: Wow Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned Flanders: Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!

Homer: All right, to find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders.
Homer's Brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. And I wear the same stupid sweater every day...
Homer: The Springfield River!

[Homer and Marge are relaxing in a sauna]
Marge Simpson: This is so relaxing. Homie, this was a wonderful idea.
Homer: [chuckling] Yeah. If that mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel.
Don Vittorio: Oh, don't mind me. Look, I do it first!

[the "Family Skills" course is almost over, and the agent is testing Homer and Cletus]
Goodman: OK, let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate a typical household problem. Go.
Cletus: Uh, Pa, I cut my finger on the screen door again.
Homer: [as he strangles Cletus] Why you cotton-pickin...
[the class looks critically at Homer]
Homer: [to himself] No, I gotta pass this class for my kids.
[to Cletus]
Homer: Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'.
Cletus: I love you, Pa!
[then sobs]
Homer: I love you, Cletus!
[then sobs too]

[as the Simpson family, who are finally together again, are about to leave the Springfield river]
Marge Simpson: So what was it like at the Flanders' house?
Homer: Yeah, gimme all the dirt.
Lisa Simpson: Let's see. Dirt... dirt... well, there wasn't really much dirt.
Bart: There was a bunch of old paint cans in the garage, though.
Homer: [laughs scoffingly] Old painty-can Ned.
[the family also laugh]
Homer: I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint!
Marge Simpson: How do you like that!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror II (#3.7)" (1991)
[Homer answers the door to Jimbo and Kearney]
Jimbo, Kearney: Trick-or-treat, man!
Homer Simpson: Hey, aren't you a little old for this? You're not even wearing costumes!
Kearney: Hand over the candy, old dude, or we egg your house back to the Stone Age!
[Jimbo opens a carton. Homer tips the whole bowl into Kearney's sack]
Homer Simpson: Here you go, kids. Heh-heh...
[closes the door]
Homer Simpson: Lousy punks...
[He heads back to the living room, then comes the sound of eggs hitting the door]
Homer Simpson: D'OH!

Lisa: [takes the monkey's paw] I wish for world peace.
[a finger on the paw closes]
Homer: Lisa, that was very selfish of you.

Homer Simpson: [Mr. Burns performs a lobotomy on Homer without anesthesia] Ow. Ow! OW!
Mr. Burns: Quit complaining! This way I don't have to waste money on morphine! Well Smithers, you were right, he was not dead. I guess I owe you a Coke. And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophany of colligenous cog and camshifts, take that!
[Mr. Burns kicks the robot, which tips and looms over him]
Smithers: Run Sir!
[the robot lands on Mr. Burns, crushing him save for his head]
Mr. Burns: Every bone in my body broken... vital organs leaking fluid... slight headache... loss of appetite... Smithers, I'm going to die.
Smithers: No sir! Is there anything I can do?
Mr. Burns: We have one chance. Go to my office. Second drawer... there is some ether...
Homer Simpson: [Homer awakens, then walks into bathroom to remind himself that it was only a nightmare. When he closes the medicine cabinet, he sees Mr. Burns' head grafted onto him] Aaaaaaaah!
Mr. Burns: Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well my body was crushed, so my head was grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.
Homer Simpson: [hyperventilating] I didn't wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!
Mr. Burns: Oh that's right! It's all a dream! Or is it?
[laughs evilly]

[last lines]
[Screen fades to black as creepy music plays, then the scene resumes with the normal Simpsons' music; looking like a canonical episode]
Narrator: Next week, on "The Simpsons".
Lisa Simpson: Don't forget Dad, tonight my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
Homer: Mmm... spaghetti.
Mr. Burns: But Homer, tonight's our meeting for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.
Homer: DOH! I hate having two heads!

[Homer awakens with a scream]
Marge Simpson: Did you have a nightmare, Homey?
Homer Simpson: No, Bart bit me!
Bart Simpson: Hey man, you were crushing me! I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.


"The Simpsons: The Mansion Family (#11.12)" (2000)
Homer Simpson: Oh why won't anyone give me an award?
Lisa Simpson: You won a Grammy.
Homer Simpson: I mean an award that's worth something.
[announcement on the bottom of the screen- Legal Disclaimer: Mr. Simpson's opinions do not reflect those of the producers, who don't consider the Grammy an award at all]

Marge Simpson: This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joe's. Hmm, I know what the other eleven forks are for, but what do you do with this one?
Homer Simpson: Why Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it.

[the Simpsons are housesitting at Mr. Burns' mansion. They are eating dinner at Mr. Burns' oversized dinner table]
Marge: This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes. I know what the other 12 forks are for, but I don't know what to do with this one.
Homer: Why Marge my dear, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it.
Marge: Homer!
[scratches rear with fork]
Marge: Ooh...

[the Simpsons are housesitting at Mr. Burns' mansion. They are eating dinner at Mr. Burns' oversized dinner table]
Marge: This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes. I know what the other eleven forks are for, but what do you do with this one?
Homer: [speaking as a snob] Why Marge, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it.
Marge: Homer, watch your lang...
[scratches rear with fork]
Marge: Ooh... that's a lifesaver!

Marge: Homer, did you jimmy open Mr. Burns' liquor cabinet?
Homer: Ooh "Jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge. Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits.


"The Simpsons: Homer and Apu (#5.13)" (1994)
[Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu's job back]
Apu: There it is, the world's first convenience store.
Homer: This isn't very convenient.
Apu: Must you knock on everything we do?

Apu: [singing] Whether igloo, hut, or geodesic dome there's no structure that I've been to that I'd rather call my home. When I first arrived you were all such jerks but now I've come to love your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can phyliosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fellow, sorry about the samonella.
Homer: [laughing] That's okay.
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart, now here's the tricky part, oh won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwwik-E-Mart?
Marge: Their floors are stik-e-mart.
Lisa: They made dad sik-e-mart.
Bart: Let's hurl a brik-e-mart.
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'OH!
Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not me!
Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart. Good bye to Kwik-E-Mart. Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not me.
Homer: Everything wrapped up nicely. Earlier than usual.
Marge: I guess happiness is wherever you find it.
Homer: And we've all found happiness. Every one of us.
Apu: [Sobbing]
Homer: What's that sound?
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I do.
Homer: Hey! He lied to us through song. I hate it when people do that.

Homer: Apu, if it makes you feel any better, I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you finally just wish Flanders was dead.

The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart: Welcome, my friends. You may ask any three questions.
Apu: Oh that's great because I only have one.
Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart: Yes.
Homer: Really?
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart: Yes.
Homer: You?
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening. Thank you, come again.
Apu: But sir, I!
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart: Thank you. Come again.
[Homer and Apu are leaving the kwik-e-mart]
Homer: Well that was a big bust. Was he really the head of the kwik-e-mart?

Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer: You're... selling what, now?
Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
[Slams the door]
Apu: He's got me there.


"The Simpsons: Flaming Moe's (#3.10)" (1991)
Marge Simpson: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
Lionel Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
Homer Simpson: [whines] Oh!
Lionel Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!

Homer Simpson: [Homer sees Maggie wearing makeup and a dress] That's it! I'm outta here.

[Playing "Truth or Dare" at Lisa's slumber party, one of the girls is dared to kiss Bart. She jumps him and does so]
Bart: [spluttering] I'm telling Mom and Dad!
Lisa Simpson: You're telling who?
Bart: Mom and Dad!
Girls: MOM AND DAD? JINX!
Janey Powell: [singsong] Now you can't talk, 'til somebody says your name!
[the girls giggle. Bart runs into the living room, where Homer is watching TV. Bart points emphatically at himself]
Homer Simpson: What is it, boy? Is anything the matter, my son? Talk to me, young man.
[In exasperation, Bart writes "SAY MY NAME" on a pad of paper and shows it to Homer]
Homer Simpson: Say your name? Why should I do that, my lad?
Bart: [exploding] Because I'm jinxed, damn it!
[Homer punches him in the arm]
Bart: Ow! What was that for?
Homer Simpson: You talked while you were jinxed, I get to punch you in the arm. It's not my fault, it's the rules.

[Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe]
Marge Simpson: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer Simpson: [sarcastic voice] Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!
[walks out, slams the door, then sticks his head back in]
Homer Simpson: Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Marge Simpson: Well, du'uh.

[as he enters the now popular Moe's Tavern, Homer accidentally bumps into Mrs. Krabappel's butt. He then looks at her and notices she has a heavy make-up and that she wears a bikini top]
Mrs. Krabappel: Hiya, scrumptious. Do you want to ignite my drink?
Homer Simpson: You're my kid's teacher!
Mrs. Krabappel: Single parent, are we?
Homer Simpson: No!
Mrs. Krabappel: [hugs his back with one hand and suggestively touches his belly and then his chin with the other one] Well, let's pretend you are...
Homer Simpson: Get away from me.
[shoves her away and walks away from her]


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XX (#21.4)" (2009)
Marge Simpson: [Dracula, the Mummy, Frankenstein's monster and the Wolfman are at the door] Friends of Homer's?
Homer Simpson: They're not my friends.
Count Dracula: We brought a bottle of booze. Booooze!
Homer Simpson: Come in, come in.

Homer Simpson: To the panic room!
Marge Simpson: We don't have a panic room!
Homer Simpson: To the panic room store!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, are you becoming a muncher?
Homer Simpson: I think the better brains is, which brains is a brains?

Marge Simpson: Does this mean you still love me?
Homer Simpson: Of course I do. Can you still love a man who's half beer?
Marge Simpson: I always have.

Rainier Wolfcastle: Come with me if you want to live.
[He is attacked by munchers]
Homer Simpson: Another politician who can't keep his promises.


"The Simpsons: Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words (#20.6)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Sweety, will you please look at daddy!
Lisa Simpson: You stopped being my daddy when you bet against me! All I have now is a mom. That's why I'm taking her maiden name. So from now on, my name is Lisa Bouvier!
[Homer gasps]
Nelson Muntz: Hey, Mr. S. Lisa B.
Homer Simpson: Nooo!
Girl: Would you like to buy some band candy?
Homer Simpson: Yeees!

Homer Simpson: Marge, I'm going to a hard-core gay club, and I won't be back until three in the morning!
Marge Simpson: Have fun!

Homer Simpson: We dispose of your relationships humanely thanks to our patented TenderDump system. We'll be there in thirty minutes, our your next break-up is freeee!

Homer Simpson: Marge, if I had a hundred dollars for each couple I broke up, I'd have this much, 'cause that's what I charge.

Homer Simpson: I win! And like any prudent gambler, I know when to walk away: never.


"The Simpsons: Bart's Girlfriend (#6.7)" (1994)
Homer: If he didn't take the money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes?
Marge: That's what he wore to church!
Homer: Oooooh, how convenient.

Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No. He looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.

Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge. Admit it.

[Bart walks into the room looking sad]
Marge: Do you notice something different about Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No, the way he's been acting. He seems depressed.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.

Homer: To the little girl's room!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XV (#16.1)" (2004)
[first lines]
[Marge sees Homer constantly throwing a bowling ball on the roof]
Marge Simpson: Homer, what are you doing?
Homer Simpson: Trying to get a frisbee off the roof.

[Ned sees himself shooting Homer while touching him]
Homer Simpson: So, what I die of? Too much happiness? Naked girl avalalche?
Ned Flanders: Um, you die eating a submarine sandwhich.
Homer Simpson: What kind of bread?
Ned Flanders: Uh, country parmesan?
Homer Simpson: Woo who!

Ned Flanders: Don't worry, kids. I am not going to shoot your father.
Homer Simpson: Flanders? Shoot me?
[laughs]
Homer Simpson: You've never killed anyone and now you're gonna start with the big dog?
Ned Flanders: Homer, don't tempt the gods, er, I mean God. There's one God; only one. Well, sometimes there's three.

[Ned has the ability to foresee one's death]
Ned Flanders: Homer, you will die eating a submarine sandwich.
Homer: What kind of bread is it?
Ned Flanders: Country parmesan.
Homer: Woo-hoo!

[Kang and Kodos are cooking the Simpsons]
Bart: Am I the only one in horrible pain?
Homer: You're the only one who won't shut up about it.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Rival (#6.2)" (1994)
Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

Homer: Bad bees. Get away from my sugar. Ow. OW. Oh, they're defending themselves somehow.

Homer: Oh yeah, Marge? You said I wouldn't make any money. Well, I made a dollar while waiting for the bus.
Marge: While you were out making that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. And the plant called and said that if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: WOOHOO! Four day weekend.

Homer: Een America, first you get da suger. Den you get de money. Den you get de power. Den you get de weemen.

Homer: Bart, if foodstuffs should touch the ground, said foodstuffs shall be turned over to the village idiot. Since I don't see him around, start shoveling.


"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: Oh, hi, kids. You're just in time to go to the dentist.
Bart Simpson: Dentist? You said we were going dirt biking through the cementery.
Lisa Simpson: Oh, Bart. You keep falling for that one every six months.
Homer Simpson: [Carrying a dirt bike] Check it out, suckers! Marge is taking me dirt biking through the cementery.
Lisa Simpson: No, dad. You're going to the dentist too.
Homer Simpson: "Why the cementery?", I wondered, but my dreams were too strong.

Kent Brockman: Tonight on Smartline, our report from the Middle East will not be seen, so that we may bring you a man who bought an ice cream cone.
Homer Simpson: That's me.
Kent Brockman: Of course, that has nothing to do with the fact that the ice cream parlor and this station are owned by the same company, but I digress.

Homer Simpson: Ow, my gums! It hurts so much!
Dentist #1: But I haven't even started yet.
Homer Simpson: I know, but a breeze from that open window is blowing into my mouth.

Homer Simpson: I will not stay in the same house as someone from the liberal media.
Lisa Simpson: You'll have to excuse him. He's been watching a lot of Fox News.
Homer Simpson: Did you know that every day Mexican gays cross our borders and unplug our brain-dead ladies?

Marge Simpson: Don't you just love that fresh mouth feeling?
Homer Simpson: Who wants ice-cream?
Bart Simpson: I can't wait to get the freshness out of my mouth.
Homer Simpson: I'm gonna glue my mouth shut with butterscotch.
Marge Simpson: [weakly] Oh, yay.


"The Simpsons: Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington (#3.2)" (1991)
Faith Crowley: Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley, Patriotism editor of Reading Digest.
Homer: Oh I love your magazine. My favorite section is "How to increase your word power." That thing is really, really, really... good.

[Lisa wins an essay contest]
Homer: Woo-hoo! Who woulda guessed reading and writing would pay off.

Homer: What does the "I" stand for?
Tour Guide: Important.
Homer: Ah. And the "V"?
Tour Guide: Very.
Homer: One more question...
Tour Guide: Person.
Homer: I see. What does the "I" stand for again?

[looking at the Washington Monument, Marge starts giggling]
Homer: What's so funny?
[she whispers in his ear]
Homer: Oh Marge, grow up.

[driving in a cab through Washington D.C]
Marge Simpson: Look, the I.R.S.
Homer: [out the window] BOO!
I.R.S. Employee: [out his office window] Oh, boo yourself.


"The Simpsons: Brother from the Same Planet (#4.14)" (1993)
Blackjack Dealer: 19.
Homer: Hit me.
Blackjack Dealer: 20.
Homer: Hit me.
Blackjack Dealer: 21.
Homer: Hit me.
Blackjack Dealer: 22.
Homer: D'oh!

Bigger Brothers Employee: And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother?
Homer's Brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Uh... revenge?
Homer's Brain: That's it. I'm getting out of here.
Homer's Brain: [sound effects]
[step, step, step, step, step... slam]

Pepi: Tell me more. I want to know ALL the constellations.
Homer: Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan, the cowboy.

[Bart has joined the Bigger Brother program to spite Homer]
Tom: Come on, Bart, you know you're not supposed to talk to strangers.
Homer Simpson: For your information, I'm his father!
Tom: [angrily] His father... the drunken gambler?
Homer Simpson: [pleasantly] That's right. And who might you be?

Homer: Bart's not really mad at me.
Marge Simpson: He called you a bad father.
Homer: Marge, when kids these days say "bad," they mean "good." And to "shake your booty" means to wiggle one's butt. Permit me to demonstrate...


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror X (#11.4)" (1999)
Lisa Simpson: I still can't believe we escaped from those horrible vampires.
Homer Simpson: But it was worth it to get back our Super Sugar Crisp cereal.
Homer Simpson: [singing] Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp.
Marge Simpson: [driving] I'm having a hard time seeing. Homer, did you remember to put the fog lights in?
Homer Simpson: [singing to the same tune] 'Cause I forgot to put the fog lights in.

[Homer and Bart are on a spaceship listening to Rosie O'Donald sing]
Bart Simpson: Don't worry, Dad. We'll be dead in five minutes.
Homer Simpson: Not fast enough!
[he presses the eject button, which sends them into space where their heads explode]

[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket]
Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine".
Guard: And your name is...?
Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.

Homer: The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.

Homer: Lisa, I want you to remember me just as I am right now, filled with murderous rage.


"The Simpsons: Them, Robot (#23.17)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: [robot gets run over while pushing Homer out of the path of an oncoming truck] That could have been my motherboard lying in the street.
Robot J25: Our primary directive is to preserve human life.
Homer Simpson: And here I was, waiting 'til you slept to rob you of your copper.

Homer Simpson: I can go one weekend without drinking, just like when I was in that alcohol-induced coma.

Homer Simpson: So you're my new co-workers, eh? Working hard or hardly working?
[Robots don't respond]
Homer Simpson: I said, working hard or hardly working?
[Angrier]
Homer Simpson: Working hard or hardly working? It's a simple question! Are you A: working hard, or B: hardly...
[Robot shocks Homer]
Homer Simpson: I think we found our office cut-up. I'd better stay away from you on April Fools Day, am I right?
[Angrily]
Homer Simpson: I said, am I...
[Robot shocks him again]

Ned Flanders: Homer, I believe this is the part in God's plan where you get killed by robots.
Homer Simpson: Oh, Flanders. I don't judge a robot by the color of their eyes. I judge them by what they have in their hands, which have turned into buzzsaws.

Homer Simpson: Before we die, can you at least tell me your real age?
Mr. Burns: Well, it has four digits...


"The Simpsons: Simpsorama (#26.6)" (2014)
Homer Simpson: Don't drink my loved ones!
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass!
Homer Simpson: A robot with a catchphrase!
Bart Simpson: Hey, Homer, you gonna kiss him or kill him?

Homer Simpson: Hey... Uh... What's the robot version of "bromance"?
Bender: Ro-mance.

Bender: My ass is about to project something.
Homer Simpson: [whispering loudly] You don't have to announce it! Just do it quietly and blame the dog!

Bender: Zzzzz... Kill all humans... Zzzz... Kill all humans...
Homer Simpson: Zzzzz... Start with Flanders... Zzzzz... Start with Flanders...

Bender: I remember why I'm here: to kill Homer Simpson!
Homer Simpson: [Peeking through doorway] My ears are burning.
Bender: Not yet, but they will be.
[Produces various weapons from his chest cavity, including flame throwers, guns, buzz saws and a boxing glove]
Homer Simpson: Aah! A boxing glove!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VII (#8.1)" (1996)
Homer Simpson: Oh my God, space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!

Homer Simpson: We think we saw Hugo at the airport, he was boarding a plane to Switzerland and...
[sees Hugo]
Homer Simpson: Oh.

Homer Simpson: Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.

Homer: These candidates make me want to vomit in terror.

Homer: Please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Moe (#13.3)" (2001)
[while Moe is away, Homer is in charge of the bar]
Homer: [picks up phone] Hello?
Bart: Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger. First name Ollie.
Homer: Ooh, Bart. My first prank call. What do I do?
Bart: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.
Homer: I don't get it.
Bart: Yell out "I'll eat a booger".
Homer: What's the gag?
Bart: [sighs] Oh, forget it.
[hangs up]

Moe: You can't run a bar in your garage, it's illegal.
Homer: Bar? This isn't a bar. This is a hunting club.
Michael Stipe: You lied to us.
[Michael Stipe smashes a beer bottle and tries to attack Homer]
Peter Buck: Michael, no.
Mike Mills: It's not the R.E.M. way.
Michael Stipe: You're right. Come on, let's recycle these shards and get out of here.

[Homer, Lenny, Carl and Barney are sitting in Homer's garage, drinking]
Homer: [to Marge] Barkeep. Another beer.
Marge: Wasn't this supposed to be your tavern?
Homer: It's a family place. Right, kids?
Lisa: Can we go to bed now?

[singing along with an R.E.M. song]
Homer: Leonardo what-his-name, Herman Munster motorcade, birthday party Cheet-Os, pogo sticks and lemonade, idiotic stupid jerk, that's right Flanders, I am talking about you!

Lisa: This is pretty far to go just to spite Moe, isn't it?
Homer: It's not about spite, it's about petty revenge, and getting back at that traitor Moe.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VIII (#9.4)" (1997)
Lenny: Come on, Homer we just wanna eat your skin.
Homer Simpson: Go to hell, cloaky!

[after seen three woman burn at the stake]
Marge Simpson: How horrible!
Lisa Simpson: If they're really witches, why don't they use their powers to escape!
Homer Simpson: That sounds like witch talk to me, Lisa.
Lisa Simpson: Never mind.

Homer Simpson: Well, we were lucky this time. But it's all too clear that some things in this universe... aren't meant to be trifled with.
[Homer pulls up an axe]
Marge Simpson: Homer, what are you doing?
Homer Simpson: Something I should have done a long time ago.
[now turns on Bart with his axe]
Homer Simpson: I'll teach you to mess with my machine!
[Bart begins screaming and running while Homer chase him]
Homer Simpson: I'm gonna chop you good! That cost me 35 cents! You're just making it worse! I promise I won't hurt you!

[Homer grabs the candleholder]
Homer Simpson: You want me? Come and get me!
Moe: Get him!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Homer Simpson: Die, you chalk-faced goons!


"The Simpsons: Bart the Lover (#3.16)" (1992)
Homer: Step aside, everyone. Sensitive love letters are my speciality.
[starts writing]
Homer: "Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

[Writing a farewell love letter to Mrs. Krabappel]
Bart Simpson: How about, "an alligator bit off my face."
Marge Simpson: That's disgusting! And besides, if a woman really loves a man, she doesn't care if an alligator bites off his face.
Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge.

[Writing a farewell letter to Mrs. Krabappel]
Homer: Three simple words: "I am gay."
Marge Simpson: Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that in!

Lisa Simpson: Now we need to find a way to end it.
Homer: How about, "with a love that will echo through the ages..."
Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson: Awww...
Bart Simpson: Homer, you old honey dripper!

[while building a dog house, Homer has been teaching himself not to curse by using a "Swear Jar."]
Homer: [hits his finger with a hammer] Oh... fudge. That's broken.
[steps on a piece of wood, and a nail goes through his shoe]
Homer: Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. But I'm not going to swear. But I am going to KICK THIS DOG HOUSE DOWN!
[goes berserk]


"The Simpsons: Little Big Mom (#11.10)" (2000)
Homer Simpson: Stupid sexy Flanders!

[Homer starts sliding down the ski slope]
Homer Simpson: Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said...
Ski Instructor: [thought bubble] If you get into any trouble, all you have to do is...
[image changes to Flanders, wiggling his butt]
Ned Flanders: [thought bubble] Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all... nothing at all... nothing at all!...
Homer Simpson: AH! Stupid sexy Flanders.
[Homer's legs slide apart]
Homer Simpson: Ow, my leg! This is the worst pain ever!
[Homer gets repeatedly hit in the crotch by snow mounds]

Lisa Simpson: Would you guys turn that down!
Homer Simpson: Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have?

Homer Simpson: Leprosy? I can't believe it. That fortune cookie was right!
Bart Simpson: Why would God punish a kid? I mean, an American kid?

Homer Simpson: Braaains. Braaaaains. Use your brains to help us! Your delicious braaains.


"The Simpsons: Kill the Alligator and Run (#11.19)" (2000)
Bart Simpson: This money's from the Montana Militia. It isn't real.
Homer Simpson: [threateningly] It'll be real soon enough.

Homer Simpson: [representing himself at trial] Drunken hicks of the jury...

Marge Simpson: Homer, you'll kill us all!
Homer Simpson: Or die trying!

[in the car on the way to Florida]
Lisa: Mom, Bart's sitting next to me.
Bart: Mom, Lisa's growing.
Marge: Quiet, you two. You know your father's just had a breakdown.
Homer: My pockets hurt.

Lisa: You can't drive, dad. He's got your license.
Homer Simpson: Well, I'm gonna try anyway.
[starts the car]
Homer Simpson: It worked! It's a miracle!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XII (#13.1)" (2001)
Homer Simpson: [regarding him marrying Marge] But if I died, she'd be completely free. For man or machine.
Pierce Brosnan House: [as Homer leaves] Machine, eh?
Homer Simpson: [returns] Yup, a machine.

Homer: Mmmm... unexplained bacon.

Homer: Well, everything ended fine.
Marge: No, it didn't. Bart's dead.
Homer: Saying I'm sorry won't bring him back.
Marge: The gypsy said it would.
Homer: Pff. She's not the boss of me.

Homer: Die, you monster!
Lisa: Dad! That's the water softener.
Homer: Well I *am* missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack!

[Homer is about to disable the Ultrabot CPU]
Homer Simpson: I'm gonna enjoy this!
Pierce Brosnan House: Don't take out my British charm unit! Without that, I'm nothing but a boorish American clod!
[Homer removes the British charm unit]
Pierce Brosnan House: Ah, thanks a lot, asswipe!
[losing power]
Pierce Brosnan House: I coulda kicked your butt from here to Albuquerque, you fat... slime... bucket.
[voice dying]


"The Simpsons: Hardly Kirk-ing (#24.13)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Finally, a kids show that doesn't try to sell you something. Which reminds me, we need to buy more rectangles.

Homer Simpson: "Find the Hidden Objects"? You're awful pushy for a book I just met.

Milhouse Van Houten: Now I want you to eat a whole carton of ice cream in under two minutes.
Homer Simpson: But I just did that.

Homer Simpson: Marge, can we get a subscription to Highlights?
Marge Simpson: Homer, that magazine is for children.
Homer Simpson: What? Where does it say that?
Marge Simpson: Read the rest of the title.
Homer Simpson: Highlights... for... D'oh!

Homer Simpson: I've found what we're looking for.
Marge Simpson: The kids?
Homer Simpson: Sure, they could be there. Who knows?


The Simpsons: Tapped Out (2012) (VG)
Homer Simpson: Lisa! Thank God you're here to guide me through this tutorial.
Lisa Simpson: What happened?
Homer Simpson: Difficult to say, sweetie. The town blew up, I built our house and you showed up.
Homer Simpson: All we know for sure is, I'm completely blameless.
Lisa Simpson: Hmmm. Maybe if we keep building things, Mom and Bart will show up too.
Homer Simpson: I'm sure they will. This thing would be way too sad if they didn't.
Lisa Simpson: Then let's do it. But first, we should clean this place up a bit.
Homer Simpson: You're joking right?

Homer Simpson: Cleaning, really? I can't believe that's what passes for fun in games these days.
Lisa Simpson: It's tedious, I know. That's why I want to do some too!

Lisa Simpson: Wow, the ornate interior and new age looking exterior of Swanky Fish is impressive!
Homer Simpson: But I thought this was a seafood place. What's with all this rice, avocado, and... yuck! Is this seaweed?
Lisa Simpson: It's called Nori wrap. Sushi really is an art form.
Homer Simpson: But I don't want my food to be an art form. I want it to be food.

Lisa Simpson: Evergreen Terrace is starting to take shape. Now we need to build the Flanders house.
Homer Simpson: Okay.
Homer Simpson: Let's start by looking for the spot on the map furthest from any place I'd ever want to go...
Lisa Simpson: But Dad, Mr. Flanders is our neighbor, so we'll have to move the Kwik-E-Mart somewhere first.
Homer Simpson: grumbles. Okay, but I better get an achievement for this.

Homer Simpson: Oh, work? I thought this was a game!


"The Simpsons: Dead Putting Society (#2.6)" (1990)
Lisa: I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.

Marge Simpson: Homer, I'm a little worried that you're getting too caught up in this silly golf tournament.
Homer: But Marge, this is our big chance to show up the Flanderses!
Marge Simpson: Well, I'm sure it is, but why would we want to do that?
Homer: Because sometimes the only way for a person to feel good about himself is to make someone else look bad! And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.
Marge Simpson: Mmmm...

Bart: But Dad, I've never won anything before in my life.
Homer: Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this: it is NOT okay to lose.

[Homer is reading Ned Flander's letter]
Homer: You are my brother.
[Homer, Bart, and Lisa laugh]
Homer: I love you.
[They laugh again]
Homer: And yet, I feel a great deal of sadness in my buzzom.
[They're hysterically laughing]
Homer: Wait, there's more.
[the others laugh again]
Marge Simpson: I think that's terrible. A man opens his heart and you made fun of him.
[Marge walks away to laugh at Flanders]

Homer: Bart Remember what Vince Lombardi said, if you lose you're out of the family!


"The Simpsons: Stealing First Base (#21.15)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: I need to talk to you about man stuff.
Homer Simpson: Talk to grandpa. He used to be a man.
Bart Simpson: He did?
Grampa Simpson: [Struggling to peel a banana] Come on, give up the goods, you yellow devil!

Principal Skinner: [On a school skit] I'm Bart Simpson, disruptive fourth grader.
Homer Simpson: I've finally caught one of Bart's plays.
Marge Simpson: That's not Bart, that's Principal Skinner. Bart's sitting right next to you.
Homer Simpson: Oh, now that I look closer, that guy can't fool anybody.
Principal Skinner: Shut up, fatso.
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[Runs onstage and strangles Skinner]

Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs Simpson, these are Brody and Madison McKenna. Their daughter is on Bart's class.
Brody McKenna: Mr. Simpson, your son engaged in unwanted mouth contact with our daughter.
Marge Simpson: They kissed?
Madison McKenna: On the slide.
Homer Simpson: That's all that happened, and I got to miss a day of work? Thank you!
Madison McKenna: Mr. Simpson, I'm a high-class lawyer, and my husband is a district attorney, and we're not happy.
Homer Simpson: Maybe you should get easier jobs.

Madison McKenna: Unless you make this school an affection-free environment, we'll sue you to the last dime.
Principal Skinner: [holds up dime] Here it is.
Madison McKenna: And we'll make you wish your son was ever born.
Homer Simpson: Already half way there, lady.

Marge Simpson: You told him to kiss her? Why didn't you just tell him to hit her over the head with a club and drag her to a cave?
Grampa Simpson: You mean second base? He's a little young for that.


"The Simpsons: The Haw-Hawed Couple (#18.8)" (2006)
Marge Simpson: Dear Lord, we thank you for the sexual intimacy we are about to enjoy.
Homer Simpson: And, as always, have fun watching.
Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson: Go, lovemaking!

Homer Simpson: This is that fantasy book that even grown-ups enjoy. Sad, lonely grown-ups.

Homer Simpson: Don't you say his name! In your mouth it comes out like filth. No man should outlive his fictional wizard. No man.

Homer Simpson: There, now she'll never have to know about death until it strikes someone close to her.

Abe Simpson: People say bullies are cowards. Well, they're wrong. Bullies are brave because they're strong.


"The Simpsons: A Tale of Two Springfields (#12.2)" (2000)
Homer: Badger my ass, it's probably Milhouse.

Kent Brockman: [talking about the people of "New Springfield" when a new area code divides the town] They also tend to use low-brow expressions like "Oh, yeah!" and "Comere a minute."
Homer Simpson: [watching the TV with Bart] Oh, yeah, they think we're low class. Hey, Bart, comere a minute.
Bart: You comere a minute.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah...

Homer: Badger my ass, its probably just Milhouse.

[armed with a bottle of chloroform, Homer approaches a security guard]
Homer: I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you take us to The Who!

[Homer tries to call Animal Control]
Phone Lady: [special information tone] Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please make sure you have the correct area code.
Homer Simpson: Area code? But it's a local call.
Marge Simpson: The phone company ran out of numbers, so they split the city into two area codes. Half the town keeps the old 636 area code, and our half gets 939.
Homer Simpson: 939? What the hell is that? Oh, my life is ruined!
Marge Simpson: Geez. You just have to remember three extra numbers.
Homer Simpson: Oh, if only it where that easy Marge.


"The Simpsons: Barting Over (#14.11)" (2003)
Homer: I've been carrying this bag of sugar to represent a baby, and...
[sees he is holding a real baby]
Homer: Wha...? Where the hell's my sugar?
[cut to Cletus and his wife with a sugar-bag in baby clothes]
Cletus: Condoleeza-Marie ain't too peppy today.
Brandine: And I don't remember her bein' this granulated.
Dia-Betty: Can I put your baby in my coffee?
Cletus: Well, the doctor said if you eat any more babies, they gonna take yer foot.

Bart: I want to be emancipated.
Homer: Emancipated! Don't you like bein' a dude?

[TV executives want Homer for a TV ad about bald and impotent men]
Homer: Well, I am bald and important!

Bart Simpson: I want to be emancipated!
Homer Simpson: Emancipated? Why do you want that? Don't you like being a dude?

Viagrogaine Announcer: [At the end of a commercial for a combination hair restorer/penis enlarger] Possible side effects include loss of scalp and penis.
Homer Simpson: What did it say about my scalp?


"The Simpsons: Wild Barts Can't Be Broken (#10.11)" (1999)
Lisa Simpson: And guess who's been practicing medicine without a license?
[Dr. Hibbert nervously pulls at his sweater neck]
Lisa Simpson: That's right. Homer Simpson.
Homer Simpson: [far off] D'oh!

[At an Isotopes game, the pitcher blows his arm out after the first pitch]
Homer Simpson: I'm gonna warm up the car.
Marge Simpson: But there's only been one pitch.
Homer Simpson: And it *sucked*.

[the kids of Springfield are broadcasting adults' secrets, in order to embarrass them]
Lisa: And, by the way, there is somebody in Springfield who's been practicing medicine without a license.
[Dr. Hibbert gulps]
Lisa: That's right. Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh!

Bart: [In a creepy English accent] Join us tomorrow and everyday until the curfew is lifted as we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.
Bart: [In the same accent] And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh!

[Homer, Lenny, and Carl are drunk]
Lenny: Hey, let's go to the little league diamond and drive around the bases.
Carl: No, the Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion.
Homer Simpson: Shut up. It's my car and I say we're going to the lost city of gold.


"The Simpsons: The Real Housewives of Fat Tony (#22.19)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: [worried] Dad, Aunt Selma is treating a mob boss like an ordinary taxpayer.
Homer Simpson: [excited] And we've got front row seats!

[at Selma and Tony's wedding]
Homer Simpson: Yes! I am so happy I lived to see this day. He did give her the kiss of death, right?
Marge Simpson: No!
Homer Simpson: [disappointed groan] Aww! I decorated her car for nothing.
[cut to a car outside with banners reading "JUST MURDERED"]

Homer Simpson: Well, if it isn't Before and After. Blob and blob lite. Tweedle-yuck and Tweedle-yech.
Fat Tony: Ahem! Am I interrupting anything?
Homer Simpson: Fat Tony! I was just complimenting your beautiful wife while insulting her identical twin.
Marge Simpson: You'll have to excuse my husband. He says things without thinking first. And ten seconds later...
Homer Simpson: [scared] Oooh! My god!

Homer Simpson: Can we bring towels?
Fat Tony: We have towels.
Homer Simpson: [whispers] I take a special size.

Homer Simpson: Cant we stay a little longer? The Occurrence and I were going to go get broiled.
Marge Simpson: Sorry, The Occurrence, but to use your lingo, I have to be "that guy".
The Occurence: Whoa, whoa! You don't want to be "that guy"!
Homer Simpson: I don't want to be that guy, but she's making me be "that guy".
Marge Simpson: Enough!


"The Simpsons: I Am Furious Yellow (#13.18)" (2002)
Homer: It's true, I'm a rageoholic! I just can't get enough RAGEOHOL!
[cries]

[At the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant where Angry Dad Works]
Homer: Boy, this job sure is easy. Now to press this button.
[Homer presses a red button and the cooling towers explode in a mushroom cloud]
Homer: [Rageful] Not *again*!
Bart Simpson: [Voicing the cartoon Mr.Burns with a deeper voice] Angry Dad, you're fired.
[Angry Dad's head explodes in a mushroom cloud and Bart and Millhouse laugh]

Homer: Oh, what a day. Maybe the headlines will cheer me up.
[the headline says "You suck, Angry Dad"]
Homer: That's opinion, not news!
[His head inflates and his eyeballs explode]
Homer: [laughing] That guy's hilarious. I especially like his white shirt and blue pants. Wait a minute... Angry Dad is ME!
Lenny Leonard: Yeah, didn't you know? You've been world famous for an hour now.
Carl Carlson: You're the Internet's #1 non-porno site.
Lenny Leonard: Which makes you ten trillionth overall.
Homer: What kind of a monster would humiliate me like this?
[Cartoon Bart spray paints a logo on Angry Dad's back]
Bart Simpson: This has been a Bartoon presentation, in association with Ay Carumba Entertainment.
[Angry Dad turns around and growls]

Homer: HOMER MAD!

[Homer is strangling Bart because he made a popular cartoon based on him]
Bart: [chokes] There's going to be a movie about you.
Homer: [stops choking Bart] Who's going to play me?
Bart: John Goodman.
Homer: [continues choking Bart] Isn't it obvious it should be Gary Oldman?


"The Simpsons: A Streetcar Named Marge (#4.2)" (1992)
Homer Simpson: I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.
Marge Simpson: What kooky projects?
Homer Simpson: You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing.

[Marge is rehearsing the musical of A Streetcar Named Desire]
Homer: Marge, your ride is here!
Marge: Homer, it'll just be a few minutes more!
Ned Flanders: You're a dame and I'm a fella!
Marge: Stanley stop, or I'll tell Stella!
Llewellyn Sinclair: Marge, Marge! I am asking you for white hot rage, and you're giving me a hissy fit!
Homer: Marge, can I have some change for the candy machine?
Llewellyn Sinclair: [throwing a load of change on the floor] Oh, HERE!
Homer: Hey, there's some quarters in here!

Bart: Are there any Jive-Talking Robots in this play?
Marge: I don't think so.
Homer: Bart, don't ask stupid questions. Is there any frontal nudity?
Marge: No, Homer.

Marge: I haven't been in a play since high school, and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults.
Homer Simpson: Sounds interesting.
Marge: You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie, and sometimes it's like I don't even exist.
Homer Simpson: Sounds interesting.

Homer Simpson: [after breaking the ring of his pudding can] Oh no! My pudding is trapped forever.


"The Simpsons: Dial 'N' for Nerder (#19.14)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Oh, boy, dinnertime. The perfect break between work and drunk.

Marge Simpson: It's your new diet.
Homer Simpson: But what happened with all the other diets I'm not done with yet?

Marge Simpson: Zack, you're not trying to save our marriage, you're trying to split us up. I'd rather have a chubby hubby than a sexy exy.
Homer Simpson: Oh, Marge. If there was a reality show named "Fat Guys Who Really Love Their Wives", not only would it be an enormous ratings success, but I'd be the first one on it.

Betsy: It's all about little substitutions. If you want to eat something, eat a bell pepper. Crave something sweet? Eat a bell pepper. Want a beer? Bell pepper.
Homer Simpson: It tastes good like pepper, but crunchy like a bell.
Betsy: Bell pepper!

Marge Simpson: Homer, are you cheating on your diet?
Homer Simpson: Cheating? I'm not even gonna dignify that with eye contact.


"The Simpsons: Lost Our Lisa (#9.24)" (1998)
Homer: [to Lisa, while breaking into a museum] Could you open the window? The cop's have Daddy's prints on file.

[Praying heavenward]
Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

Homer: Feeling stupid? I know I am.

Homer: Stupid risks are what make life worth living.

Lisa Simpson: Are you sure you don't want to go to a doctor? I mean, a drawbridge did close on your head.
Homer: No, I'll just walk it off.


"The Simpsons: This Little Wiggy (#9.18)" (1998)
Troy McClure: [on a video screen] Welcome to the Knowledgeum. I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport", and "Where's Nordstrom?". While you're enjoying our hall of wonders, your car will be unfortunately be subject to repeated break-ins...
[fades out]
Homer Simpson: What'd he say? What about my car?

Bart Simpson: Alright! Woo-hoo! Way to go Ralph!
Lisa Simpson: Ralph? But the rocket was my idea!
Bart Simpson: What I'm asking you is Ralph's idea.
Homer Simpson: You're the man Ralph!
Lisa Simpson: But surely I deserve some credit for
[interrupted by cheering for Ralph]
Bart Simpson: Aw, let him have this one, Lise. After all, it's Ralph!
Lisa Simpson: [cheers for Ralph also] Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!

[Homer is playing a machine that shoots animated sperm from its gun in the "Let's Make a Baby" section in the knowledgeum]
Homer: C'mon, ovulate, damn you. Ovulate.
Computer: You are out of sperm.

Troy McClure: Welcome to the Knowledgeum, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car unfortunately will be subject to repeated break-ins and...
[Fades]
Homer: What'd he say? What about my car?

Bart: I smell a museum.
Homer: Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or 'teria.'


"The Simpsons: American History X-cellent (#21.17)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: [apologizing to Lisa] It was an accident! I didn't mean to kill our ants.
Homer Simpson: [passing by] Patty and Selma are dead? Whoo hoo! Double funeral!
[Dances and sings]
Bart Simpson: Dad, before you jump to any conclusions...
Homer Simpson: Oh, please tell me they suffered.
[Patty and Selma appear]
Homer Simpson: G-G-G-hags!

Bart Simpson: Shall we let her live the rest of her life out in the wild, or in captivity like Grandpa?
Grampa Simpson: Hey, in my mind, I'm free!
Dream Grampa: [Inside a cage in Grandpa's mind] No you're not, ya idjit.
Grampa Simpson: Oh.

Mr. Burns: The plant's first annual Fourth of July company picnic is this upcoming weekend.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
Mr. Burns: No, you misunderstand. The picnic is for me. You will all be spending our Day of Independence slaving away at my mansion under the hot summer sun, without pay, water, or gratitude.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Mr. Burns: Yes, duh-oh indeed.

Lenny Leonard: Things have changed in the outside while you were gone. Wealthy people can beat the system now.
Carl Carlson: They don't have parking meters anymore. Now there's a little thing you swipe your credit card into.
Homer Simpson: The war is over and the future won. Past never even had a chance, man.

Carl Carlson: Say, Lenny. Care for some Chateau La Mondotte St. Emilion?
Lenny Leonard: That's a regular size bottle. I'm drinking Jeroboams.
Homer Simpson: I'm drinking Melchizedeks!
Lenny Leonard: Homer, that's a $60,000 bottle.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! I'm drinking my salary!
Carl Carlson: Wait a minute. Doesn't some of that go to taxes?
Homer Simpson: Hey, you're right.
[Pours wine on floor]
Homer Simpson: Stupid government, taking my hard earned stolen wine and making me spill it on the floor.
Lenny Leonard: I hear that!


"The Simpsons: The Crepes of Wrath (#1.11)" (1990)
[Marge and Lisa come home, and find Homer lying on his back, unable to move]
Marge Simpson: Homer! What happened?
Homer Simpson: The boy... bring me the boy.

Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion is going to do it. I think it behooves us all to consider... deportation.
Marge Simpson: Deportation? You mean kick Bart out of the country?
Homer Simpson: Hear him out, Marge.

Homer Simpson: Wait a minute, Skinner! How do we know some French principal over there isn't playing the same stunt you are?
Principal Skinner: Well, for one thing you wouldn't be getting a French boy. You'd be getting an Albanian.
Homer Simpson: You mean all-white with pink eyes?

Marge Simpson: Homer, I'd love a glass of that wine Bart brought us.
Homer Simpson: [grunting] Sorry, Marge. Some wiseguy stuck a cork in the bottle.
Bart Simpson: Oh, mon pere. Quel boufou!
[translated, "My father. What a buffoon!"]
Homer Simpson: You hear that, Marge? My boy speaks French!

Principal Skinner: The disturbance occurred this morning, when your sun flushed an explosive device down the boys' lavatory.
Homer Simpson: Heh heh, that old gag.


"The Simpsons: Faith Off (#11.11)" (2000)
Homer Simpson: You workin'?
Benjamin: Oh my, yes. I'm on a secret project that I'm not at liberty to divulge...
[coughs]
Benjamin: cyborgs...
Doug: I invented a program that downloads porn off the internet one million times faster.
Marge Simpson: Does anybody need that much porno?
Homer Simpson: Uuh-huuh-uuuh, one million times.

Marge Simpson: Homer, maybe *I* should drive.
Homer Simpson: What, I can see fine.
[Homer drives into a cornfield, baseball field, then into a ditch]
Homer Simpson: That had nothing to do with the bucket.

Homer Simpson: Cure me! Cure me!
Brother Faith: Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate.
Homer Simpson: Yeeeah... and I gotta bucket on my head.

Homer Simpson: Okay, who needs another lamb rack?
[Marge and Bart wave a 'no']
Homer Simpson: Lisa?... Hamhawk? Tri-tip?
Lisa Simpson: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer Simpson: Well, I think the veil might have died of loneliness.

Homer Simpson: [after the bucket is removed from his head] I see the light... it burns!


"The Simpsons: The Front (#4.19)" (1993)
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal.

Principal Dondelinger: This is your exam. It's a series of questions, answered True or False.
Homer: True.
Principal Dondelinger: Eh, I was just describing the test, Homer.
Homer: True.
Principal Dondelinger: Look, Homer, just do the exam, and you'll be fine.
Homer: False.

Jingle singer: Hens love roosters! Geese love ganders! Everybody else loves Ned Flanders!
Homer: Not me!
Jingle singer: Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders!

Marge Simpson: An invitation to our high school reunion! Gee, that's odd, they didn't send one to you.
Homer's Brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.
Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge Simpson: Oh my God!
Homer's Brain: No, the other secret.
Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Marge Simpson: Well, that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it does.

Lisa Simpson: It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.
[Homer walks in, with a plunger stuck on his head]
Homer: Marge, it happened again!
[he wrenches at it, but only pulls off the handle]
Bart Simpson: What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up?
Lisa Simpson: Lois Sanborn.
Bart Simpson: [points to himself] Steve Bennett.


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Skeptic (#9.8)" (1997)
Kent Brockman: [Over the TV] Coming up next, an hilarious boat give-a-way scam, that's Springfield's Dumbest Criminals!
Homer Simpson: [laughs] Sounds like good watching.

Homer Simpson: Oh no, this can't be happening. What the hell are we going to do with ten thousand angel ash-trays?
Bart Simpson: I could take up smoking.
Homer Simpson: You damn well better.

Homer Simpson: [singing] Here's the angel, see the angel, it's my angel, no-one elses,next to the rakes!

[after the angel hoax is exposed]
Homer: What the hell are we going to do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?
Bart: I could take up smoking.
Homer: You damn well better.

Homer Simpson: [gasp] Billy Beer!
[drinks it]
Homer Simpson: Ahh, we elected the wrong Carter.


"The Simpsons: Two Bad Neighbors (#7.13)" (1996)
[Santa's Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all alone]
Homer: I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush.
Homer's Brain: There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.
Homer: D'oh!

[trying to get into George Bush's house]
Homer: Hey, Bush. Get out here.
Secret Service Agent: Excuse me sir, where're you going?
Homer: I'm going to punch George Bush in the face.
Secret Service Agent: OK, is he expecting you?

Homer: Hello Mr. Bush, it's your sons, George Bush, Jr. and Jeb Bush.
George Bush: Barbara, the boys are here, maybe they can help us take care of those Simpsons.

Marge: Can we get rid of this Ayatollah tee-shirt? Khomeini died years ago.
Homer: But Marge, it works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi... Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!


"The Simpsons: She of Little Faith (#13.6)" (2001)
Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done!
Homer: You say that so much it's lost all meaning.

[Homer is setting up a rocket Bart purchased]
Bart: This is gonna be cool.
Lisa: And also educational. We can learn about science.
Homer: Science.
Bart: Uh... she didn't say 'science', she said... 'pie pants'
Homer: Mmmm... pie pants...

[Homer is singing while flossing his teeth]
Homer Simpson: When you have a rib-eye steak, you must floss it. Oh, that meatloaf tasted great. You must floss it. Now, floss it. Floss it good.

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it's lost *all* meaning.


"The Simpsons: Beware My Cheating Bart (#23.18)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: And now to visit the only court I can never be in contempt of: the food court.

Treadmill Salesman: You look like you're close to death.
Homer Simpson: Close than you think.

Homer Simpson: She walked away, and she slammed the door. What does it mean?
Marge Simpson: It means that I'm mad!
Homer Simpson: That is such a first take answer.

Bart Simpson: [Jimbo holds him by the ankles] It's okay, dad. He's just putting the fear of God in me.
Homer Simpson: Carry on.
Jimbo Jones: You have a nice evening, sir.


"The Simpsons: Smoke on the Daughter (#19.15)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Bart, now that your mother and your little mother are gone, I can let you in on a deep, dark family secret.
Bart Simpson: You have a drinking problem?
Homer Simpson: I said family SECRET!

Bart Simpson: Dad, you never win in a fight against animals. Remember your war with the worms?
Homer Simpson: That was not a defeat, that was a phased withdrawl.
Bart Simpson: Then why did they made you build that statue?
[Points at statue of Homer bowing at a worm, titled "Worms are better than me"]
Homer Simpson: They multiply when I cut them. I can't fight that.

Marge Simpson: Homer, I'm going to be a dancer!
Homer Simpson: Go-go or boring?
Marge Simpson: Boring!
Homer Simpson: Oh.

Homer Simpson: I can't believe you were smoking. Don't you know the Sturgeon General says you're not supposed to?
Lisa Simpson: A sturgeon is a fish.
Homer Simpson: And a very wise fish he is.


"The Simpsons: The Ten-Per-Cent Solution (#23.8)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: My pants are splitting! Everyone will see my tattoo of Donald Duck smoking a doob. That's for Marge's eyes only.

Marge Simpson: Wasn't that show just a rip-off of The Honeymooners?
Homer Simpson: Every show is a rip-off of The Honeymooners. Baby, you're the greatest.
Marge Simpson: Oh, Ralph, Fred, Archie, King of Queens... I mean, Homer.

Annie Dubinsky: I was so devastated I didn't sleep with a clown for five months.
Homer Simpson: What about mimes?
Annie Dubinsky: Come on, I'm not made of stone.

Homer Simpson: Everything about the past is perfect, except how it led to the present.


"The Simpsons: Some Enchanted Evening (#1.13)" (1990)
Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service Receptionist: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service.
Homer Simpson: Hello, this is Mr. Sampson.
Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service Receptionist: Did your wife just call a minute ago?
Homer Simpson: No, I said "Sampson", not "Simpson."
Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service Receptionist: Thank God! Those Simpsons! What a bunch of savages! Especially that big ape father.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[irritated]
Homer Simpson: The Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we find them to be a very misunderstood and underrated family.

Homer Simpson: OH MY GOD! what have those little hellions done now?
Ms. Botz: ...please turn off the Tv...

Homer Simpson: They all look so tasty, but I think I'll eat that one right there.
Maitre D': Why don't you pick one that's a little more frisky, sir?
Homer Simpson: Why?
Maitre D': Well, when you choose one that's floating upside down, it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster.

Homer Simpson: Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.


"The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (#2.11)" (1991)
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
Homer Simpson: No way, because I'm not dying!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Second is anger.
Homer Simpson: [furiously] Why you little... !
Dr. Julius Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer Simpson: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer Simpson: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Finally acceptance.
Homer Simpson: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

Homer Simpson: Dad, we've never been too close, have we?
Grandpa Simpson: Not to my knowledge.
Homer Simpson: Never once went fishing or played catch or even hugged each other.
Grandpa Simpson: We never danced the hootchie-koo, either. What's your point?

Marge Simpson: I wrote a poem for you this afternoon, Homer. It's called, 'To a Husband'.
Homer Simpson: Okay, okay.
Marge Simpson: The blackened clouds are forming.
Homer Simpson: [saddened] Oh, give me a break, Marge.
Marge Simpson: Soon the rain will fall. My dear one is departing. But first, please heed this call. That always will I love you, My one, my love, my all.

Homer Simpson: Oh how I want to be in that number when the saints go over there.


"The Simpsons: Bart of Darkness (#6.1)" (1994)
Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...
Lisa, Bart: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Homer: [the Simpsons have accidentally made a barn out of a pool kit] All right, everybody in the pool!
Amish Farmer: 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English
Homer: D'oh-eth!

Bart: Listen, Ned Flanders murdered his wife.
Homer: But why? She's such a fox.
[off Marge's glare]
Homer: I mean, what's on FOX tonight? Something ribald, no doubt.

Homer: There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife.
Maude Flanders: Uh, I'm right here.
Homer: [sarcastically] Oh, I see! Then I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package!
[after a pause]
Homer: Really, I mean that. Sorry if it SOUNDED sarcastic.


"The Simpsons: A Milhouse Divided (#8.6)" (1996)
Marge: I can't help but feel this is all my fault. It was those North Korean fortune cookies - they were so insulting. "You are a coward." Nobody wants to hear that after a nice meal.
Homer: Marge, you can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, then move on.

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Homer: You know what you guys need? A little comic called "Love Is". It's about two naked eight-year-olds who are married.

Homer: [Looks at Kirk's demo tape] "Can I borrow a feeling"? Ha! It's got your face on it!
Kirk Van Houten: Go ahead and laugh at me, Homer.
Homer: I already did.


"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Busted (#1.12)" (1990)
Homer Simpson: [apologizing to Krusty] Krusty, I'm man enough to admit I was wrong, and I'm sorry I fingered you in court. I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in prison are exaggerated.

Homer Simpson: Mmm, chocolate. Oh, double-chocolate. New flavour, triple-chocolate! Mm!

[on the surveiilance tape durning the breaking news]
Homer Simpson: The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have watch a slideshow starring my wife's sisters. As far as I call them, the Gruesome Twosome.
[laughs]
Marge Simpson: [Embarrassed] Oh Homer.
Patty Bouvier: [infuriated along with Selma] So the truth comes out.

[Homer and Apu laugh at the name he calls his sisters-in-law. He tuns around to leave unaware that Krusty was behind him the whole time and steps on his foot incased clown shoe]
Krusty the Clown: OW, MY FOOT, YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!
Homer Simpson: Sorry Pal.
[Then he notices that Krusty is armed, screams in terror as he dives behind the chip stand to witness him robbing Apu at gun point]


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Beauty Queen (#4.4)" (1992)
Lisa: [sobbing] I'm ugly, dad.
Homer: No you're not. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Fathers have to say that.
Homer: [as Grampa walks by] Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt!
Homer: [to Lisa] See?

Homer: Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl.
Marge: You're looking at her through a father's eyes.
Homer: Well if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets, I would, but to me she's beautiful.
Marge: That is so sweet.

Lisa: Do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
Homer: I dunno. Was I drunk?
Lisa: Possibly.

Kent Brockman: [on TV] Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today.
[the TV shows footage of a goat being fed a bottle of milk]
Kent Brockman: Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. Uh, but it does seem the father of deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space", he wrote "Okay".
Homer: [to Lisa] If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me.
Lisa: Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?
Homer: I don't know. Was I drunk?
Lisa: Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.
Homer: Really?
Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?
Lisa: It's a deal.
[Lisa and Homer hug each other]
Kent Brockman: And now, my exclusive interview with His Holiness, Pope John Paul II.
[the goat footage plays again]
Kent Brockman: That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's. Call the weekend guy, I don't care!
[sound of Brockman slamming the door]


"The Simpsons: A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love (#13.4)" (2001)
Homer Simpson: [Picks up and looks at dirty, grey pair of underpants] These would stop Joan Collins herself!

Snake: I'm gonna win you back, even if it means I got to pistol whip this dude
[Homer]
Snake: all night.
Homer: [scared] Pistol whip?
[imagines himself eating whipped cream from a pistol]
Homer: Hmm, pistol whip...

[on the phone]
Homer: But Mr. Burns, I can't find you funny anymore.
Mr. Burns: I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs. Now we're ordering out, so what would you like on your pizza pie...? Extra cheese? Who do you take me for, Lorenzo de Medici?

Homer: Yep, nobody's more wild and youthful than old man Burns.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Odyssey (#1.3)" (1990)
Homer Simpson: Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I've worked along side them, gone bowling with them, and watched them pass me over for promotions time and time again.

Homer: Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog. So you won't scrape yourself, or stub your toes, or blow yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us, and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The only reason I'm telling you is, I'm going to be leaving you... But don't worry, I've just been appointed the new Safety Inspector at this very plant, and a big fat raise!

Homer Simpson: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution!

Marge Simpson: Homer we love you! How could you think of killing yourself?
Homer Simpson: Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do!


"The Simpsons: The D'oh-cial Network (#23.11)" (2012)
Marge Simpson: Homer, stop watching movies that are playing on other people's cars.
Homer Simpson: Oh, but I'm invested in the characters.

Homer Simpson: Marge, if you were married to DaVinci, would you tell him not to DaVinch?

Homer Simpson: This new computer is great. I'm watching a Sofia Coppola movie at twenty times the speed so that it looks like a regular movie.
Marge Simpson: I think it just froze. No, wait. That bird just moved.

Lisa Simpson: I created something popular!
Homer Simpson: And I created something that created something popular.
Abraham Simpson: And I created an alcoholic hippo.
Homer Simpson: Well, you never showed it to me.
Abraham Simpson: A stupid alcoholic hippo.
Homer Simpson: Are you just saying that because you don't want to show me the hippo?
Abraham Simpson: You're the hippo!
Homer Simpson: All right, don't show me the hippo!
Abraham Simpson: There is no hippo!


"The Simpsons: Pranks and Greens (#21.6)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: Dad, Lisa's making me see both sides again!
Homer Simpson: Lisa, what did I tell you about that?
Lisa Simpson: But dad, shouldn't Bart see both sides to make an informed decision?
Homer Simpson: Well... But... Aw, now you've got me doing it!

Homer Simpson: What kind of place is this? There are no snack standees, no soda standees, no standees of any kind!
Marge Simpson: From now on, this family is eating food that looks bad on the shelf and looks good on your colon.

Homer Simpson: Why is that guy with a purse?
Lisa Simpson: That's a reusable grocery bag. This market doesn't use plastic bags because they end up on the oceans and interfere with jellyfish mating habits.
Homer Simpson: Stupid horny jellyfish neutering our dudes.

Homer Simpson: [after catching Marge with his stash of junk food] Marge, I've never seen this side of you: me.


"The Simpsons: I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (#19.4)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: Chief Wiggum, you have to do something. My current wife is in there.
Chief Wiggum: Well, you take over then. I have no stake in this. This isn't even my bank. I'm at Federal Mutual down the street.

Homer Simpson: You don't owe him nothing. I promised Moe I'd visit him in the hospital, but I don't.
Marge Simpson: You told me you visited him every night.
Homer Simpson: Moe the tavern, not Moe the man.

Homer Simpson: Come on, think.
Homer Simpson: [brain] You think of something.
Homer Simpson: You have to think. It's your job.
Homer Simpson: [brain, mockingly] You have to think, it's your job!
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[strangles his own head]

Marge Simpson: I'm a hostage in a bank robbery!
Homer Simpson: Listen very carefully: don't do anything they say; remain panicky; and above all, try to be a hero.


"The Simpsons: Homer to the Max (#10.13)" (1999)
Homer Simpson: [Homer is buying a shirt] ... And I want the monogram to read "M-a-x P-o-w..."
Store Clerk: Sir, traditionally, mongrams are just your initials.
Homer Simpson: Max Power doesn't abbrieviate! In his name, each letter is as important as the one that preceded it. Maybe even *more* important... No, *as* important.
Store Clerk: Fine.
[She walks away with the shirt to apply the monogram]
Homer Simpson: And if there's any room left, add a bunch of exclamation points and a pirate flag!

Homer Simpson: [to Producers of "Police Cops"] I'm begging you! I'm a human being! Let me have my dignity back!
[the Producers nod at Homer; he gets up and walks face-first into a cactus]
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
"Detective Homer Simpson": [Next week on "Police Cops", the Homer Simpson character's coat is caught on top of a flagpole] Let me down, Chief, I'm beggin' you! I'm a human being, let me have my dignity back!
[the flagpole breaks, and Homer Simpson falls, crotch-first, onto a cactus below]
"Detective Homer Simpson": B'oh!

Homer Simpson: See, the great thing about animation is that you don't have to pay the actors squat.
Ned Flanders: [speaking in a different voice] But they can change them and no one would know the diddly-ifference.

Homer Simpson: Oh, I almost forgot. While I was at the court house, I had them change your name.
Marge Simpson: To what?
Homer Simpson: Chesty La Rue.
Marge Simpson: Chesty La Rue?
Homer Simpson: Just try it for two weeks. If you don't like it, you can be Busty St. Claire.
Marge Simpson: I don't want to be Chesty La Rue or Busty St. Claire.
Homer Simpson: Fine. Hooty McBoob it is.
Marge Simpson: Good night, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Good night, Hooty.
Marge Simpson: Let go of those.


"The Simpsons: Bart After Dark (#8.5)" (1996)
[Homer is in a burlesque house. He sees a photograph of President Dwight D. Eisenhower sitting down with two dancers on either side]
Homer Simpson: [reading the caption] "President Eisenhower celebrates 40th wedding anniversary. Not pictured: Mrs. Eisenhower."

Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Bart: No.
Homer: Knock yourself out.

[Marge and Lisa are leaving town]
Marge: The cat needs his medication every morning...
Homer: [talking over Marge] No problem. Can do.
Marge: And the furnace has been giving off a lot of carbon monoxide...
Homer: [still talking over Marge] Right. Uh-huh. Gotcha.
Marge: So keep the window open.
Homer: Cat in the furnace.
Marge: Uh... you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us.


"The Simpsons: Marge on the Lam (#5.6)" (1993)
[Homer needs to leave the house in a hurry]
Bart: You're right, Dad. We don't need a babysitter.
Homer: Wait a minute!
[He takes a card out of his pocket and reads it: "Always Do Opposite Of What Bart Says"]
Homer: You kids DO need a babysitter!
Bart: Blast that infernal card!

Marge Simpson: Homer, please, you know how hard it is for me to make friends.
[Flashback: Marge is seated in the living room, having tea with a group of ladies, laughing]
Marge's Friend: Oh Marge, we should do this every week.
[Homer runs in wearing Bermuda shorts and a "NO FAT CHICKS" t-shirt and carrying a skunk]
Homer: Marge, I got sprayed by this skunk!
[splutters]
Homer: Oh look, it's doing it again!
[screaming, the women scatter]

[Homer's arms are stuck in pair of vending machines]
Repairman 1#: Homer, there's no easy way to tell you this: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to saw your arms off.
Homer: They'll grow back, right?
Repairman 1#: Oh... yeah.
[He cranks up the rotary saw and moves it toward Homer's arm... ]
Repairman 2#: Wait a minute. Homer, are you just holding on to the can?
Homer: Your point being...?

[Wiggum's car plunges into a landfill]
Chief Wiggum: And to think, those stupid environmentalists were protesting this landfill.
Homer: Solid waste. I could kiss you.
[kiss it]
Homer: EWWW...
[kisses it]
Homer: OOH...
[kisses it]
Homer: BLECH...
[kisses it]
Homer: OOH, I think this was pizza...


"The Simpsons: Bart's Friend Falls in Love (#3.23)" (1992)
[Marge is told about the various skills taught by the subliminal learning program]
Marge Simpson: Hmm, hostage negotiations...
[She has a daydream of Homer, wearing a bulletproof vest and standing next to a surrounded airplane, speaking through a megaphone]
Homer Simpson: Listen, Tabbouleh, we're ignoring all your demands! What do you say to that?
[a hand comes out with a submachine gun and shoots Homer dead]
Marge Simpson: Better give me the weight loss tape.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, what if I told you that you could lose weight without diet or exercise?
Homer Simpson: I'd call you a lying scumbag, honey. Why?

[Homer listened to an audio cassette that promised "Lose weight while you sleep", but instead he got a vocabulary builder.]
Marge Simpson: Has that cassette helped reduce your appetite?
Homer Simpson: Lamentably, no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.

Lisa: Dad, what would you say if I told you that you can lose weight without dieting?
Homer: I'd say you were a lying scumbag. Why, honey?


"The Simpsons: Mountain of Madness (#8.12)" (1997)
Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think we have to go to the retreat anyway.

Homer: [praying] Dear Lord, protect this rocket house and all those who dwell within the rocket house.

Homer: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

Homer: They're only snowmen, Mr Burns.
Mr. Burns: Oh, snowmen have peepers! Peepers to watch...
Homer: What do we do?
Mr. Burns: Oh, wouldn't you like to know?


"The Simpsons: Behind the Laughter (#11.22)" (2000)
Homer Simpson: Your favorite show was "Hollywood Hogwash", but we also loved "The Dreck Squad".
Marge Simpson: ..."The Malarkies", "Dumbing it Down"...
Lisa Simpson: "Sheriff Low-brow".
Bart Simpson: "Home Improvement".

Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Lisa Simpson: To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.
[camera cuts to Homer]
Homer Simpson: That's ridiculous! How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal?
[pause]
Homer Simpson: What?

Homer Simpson: Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.


"The Simpsons: Every Man's Dream (#27.1)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: Marge, after all my divorce-worthy statements and actions-many of which you don't know about-how can you kick me out now that I'm sick?

Homer Simpson: You're pregnant? But I kept my shirt on!

Therapist: Like all married women you're sick of your husband. But sometimes you're afraid of losing him.
Homer Simpson: And like all married men, I didn't hear that first thing and am overconfident of the second.

Candace: I'm pretty fascinating myself. I'm an author.
Homer Simpson: I thought you were a pharmacist.
Candace: Tennessee Williams worked in a shoe factory.
Homer Simpson: You were pretty quick with that fact.


"The Simpsons: Take My Wife, Sleaze (#11.8)" (1999)
Homer Simpson: The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order.
Ned Flanders: I move to reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all
[chuckles]
Ned Flanders: , we don't wanna *go* to hell.
Lenny: How 'bout The Devil's Pals.
Ned Flanders: [nervously chuckles] Nuh-no... see...
Moe Szyslak: How about the Christ punchers?
Ned Flanders: The Chri...! I-I don't think you understand my objections.
Homer Simpson: I'm the president and the decision is mine. We're Hell's Satans. Besides, I already made our club jackets.
[Homer hold up a jacket with Hell's Satans imprinted on the back]
Lenny: Ooo, machine wash warm.
Carl: Tumble dry... Oooh lah lah.

Attendant: Yeah, I did see some bikers drive by here with a blue-haired woman about ten minutes ago. Said they were gonna spend the night at that Crystal Lake camp ground. Section K, space 217. Yeah, I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
Homer Simpson: I guess I'll never find her.

Marge Simpson: And when you get a job interview, try not to call your employer a punk or a skank.
Meathook: Makes sense.
Ramrod: Ooh, *don't* call him skank.
Meathook: Mrs. Simpson, I killed my pencil.
Marge Simpson: Broke. You *broke* your pencil.
Meathook: I... broke him.
Marge Simpson: That's right. And what else have we learned?
Ramrod: Oh oh, that violence is wrong.
Marge Simpson: Excellent, Ramrod. Civilized people solve their disputes with words.
[Homer jumps in screaming and punching]
Marge Simpson: Stop! You don't understand!
[Homer continues, attacking, punching, and throwing people]
Meathook: Marge, what do we do here? Marge, he's using violence.
Marge Simpson: Talk to him. Use your words.
Meathook: Homer... Homer... stop. We've given up our violent ways. We just wanna live peacefully... with your wife.
Homer Simpson: No! My wife is not a dooby... to be passed around! I took a sacred vow on my wedding day to bogart her forever.
Marge Simpson: Oooooh, Homey.
Meathook: There's only one reasonable way to settle this... you and me, in the circle of death.
Marge Simpson: Ooooh, I just swept the circle of death.

Homer Simpson: My wife is not a doobie, to be passed around from person to person! I made a sacred vow, on my wedding day, to bogart her for the rest of my life.
Meathook: There's only one way to settle this: you and me, in the Circle of Death.
Marge Simpson: Oh, I just swept the Circle of Death.


"The Simpsons: Kill Gil, Volumes I & II (#18.9)" (2006)
Grampa: Can I stay home too?
Homer Simpson: You are going back to the home. I called a cab for you.
Grampa: But I haven't given you your presents.
Homer Simpson: Your present is leaving.
[Shoves Grampa outside and locks door]
Grampa: I don't see any cab.

Homer Simpson: Why haven't you thrown that bum out?
Marge Simpson: Christian charity.
Homer Simpson: Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with it?

Homer Simpson: Oh, those legs seem to go on forever. Oh, wait. They stop right there.

Marge Simpson: Gil's gone? But I have a "no" in me that needs to get out.
Homer Simpson: Anyone want a thousand dollar bill?
Marge Simpson: NO!... I mean, yes.
Homer Simpson: Too late!
[burns bill]
Homer Simpson: Don't worry. I make six of these a year.


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Drama Queen (#20.9)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: Why do we have to go to the rec center? I wanna play with my friends.
Homer Simpson: When you're older, you'll miss going to these little activities.
Lisa Simpson: Why aren't you going to these little activities?
Homer Simpson: Uh, because no one can make me.

Lisa Simpson: Juliet's father is the utmost John Grisham scholar.
Juliet Hobbes: He found several hidden plot lines in The Firm, and proved that the real villain in A Time To Kill is the justice system itself.
Homer Simpson: Told ya, Marge. Told... Ya!

Marge Simpson: Here's a few best friend tips. Always compliment her on her looks, and if a dog barks at you, don't make a big deal about it...
Homer Simpson: A friendship is just like a marriage. The key is to listen. And if a dog barks at you, don't make a big deal about it.
Marge Simpson: Homer, I just said that!
Homer Simpson: Whatever you say, honey. If it makes you feel any better, you said it.

Homer Simpson: Doctor, I hope you don't mind, but I have this growth on the back of my neck?
Dr Hobbes: I'm... not that kind of Doctor.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I get it
[grudgingly hands over ten bucks]
Dr Hobbes: This is chewing gum.
Homer Simpson: What a racket!


"The Simpsons: Moonshine River (#24.1)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: If anyone needs my, I'll be taking a popcorn bath. It's a thing I read about in a men's health magazine in a dream I had.

Bart Simpson: Come on, dad. You love New York, now that your two least favorite buildings have been obliterated; Old Penn Station and Shea Stadium.
Homer Simpson: Lousy outdated relics.

Homer Simpson: New York has sure changed since our ancestor Fievel came here.
Lisa Simpson: Fievel was a mouse in a movie.
Homer Simpson: Yes, now look at us. Only in America.

Homer Simpson: You've learned a valuable lesson, son. Love doesn't exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that, it's just hanging out with someone who kind of hates you, but you can't get it together to leave.


"The Simpsons: 24 Minutes (#18.21)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: Hey, Milhouse. Who're you spying on? Those bullies?

[Homer picks up the stink bomb and notices the amount of time before it blows]
Homer Simpson: Oh, a Thermos! With seven cups of coffee still left in it. Oh, wait, six.

[Homer gets out of Moe's tavern and walks to the dumpster he left Milhouse in]
Homer Simpson: Okay, Milhouse, what do you wanna do?
Milhouse VanHouten: Well, the school's having a bake sale.
Homer Simpson: Old Betsy will get us there.

Mr. Burns: Simpson, take your putrid filth far away from here, you soulless land whale.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! Business trip!


"The Simpsons: Homerazzi (#18.16)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: Now to make a young woman's wedding day all about me.

Tabloid Editor: I can make you a moderately wealthy man.
Homer Simpson: Moderately wealthy, eh?
[imagines himself rolling in a few dollar bills]
Homer Simpson: Whee! I'm almost rich. I can rent anything I want.

Homer Simpson: How do you like your comeuppance? 8X10, or wallet size?

Homer Simpson: This is that fancy supermarket where all the celebrities shop. You're going to help me ambush them. Look at this spread. Imported beer? Seedless grapes? Chewing gum? Look, the clown on this cereal box is just a person.


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 2 (#7.1)" (1995)
Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer Simpson: D'OH!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "d'oh".

Homer Simpson: [after taking a gun from someone] Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you!
[realizes that he's about to shoot him]
Homer Simpson: [calmly] Before.

Grampa: Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse.
[leaves]
Lisa: We don't have an outhouse.
Homer: AH! My toolshed!

Mr. Burns: Homer Simpson?
Homer Simpson: So, you finally learned my name eh?
Mr. Burns: [shaking his head] Homer Simpson.
Homer Simpson: I've got no time for your demented parlor games! You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you.


"The Simpsons: The Great Simpsina (#22.18)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: Marge, how much do they pay us for doing this?
Marge Simpson: Actually, we pay them for each peach we take home.
Homer Simpson: What the...? First I work, then I pay, then I have to eat fruit? Why was I ever born?

Homer Simpson: Masseuses: the half-doctors/half-hookers who solve everything.

Homer Simpson: Lisa, don't feel bad. Judas betrayed Jesus, but he still got paid.

Homer Simpson: The real magic is raising three kids in this economy!


"The Simpsons: Saddlesore Galactica (#11.13)" (2000)
Bart Simpson: Who are those guys?
Homer Simpson: That's BTO. They were Canada's answer to ELP. Their biggest hit was TCB. That was how we talked in the seventies. We didn't have a moment to spare.

[Bart and Homer are about to race their horse]
Homer: Don't worry. I've seen enough of the "Horse Whisperer" to know how to win a race.
Homer: [whispers to horse] When you're on the race track, run really fast.

Homer: I've got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined.

Homer Simpson: [on what to do about the jockies] Son, go get me a trash bag.


"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming (#7.9)" (1995)
[appearing on the stadium television]
Sideshow Bob: Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?
Moe: What?
Dr. Hibbert: Surely he's not talking about VH-1.
Sideshow Bob: Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation and scrimshaw. Therefore I submit to you, we abolish television, permanently!
Homer Simpson: Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, and one more thing: I've stolen a nuclear weapon. If you do not rid this city of television in two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell.
[Bob cuts the link. People start to panic, then Bob reappears]
Sideshow Bob: By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.

Abe Simpson: [the air base is on full alert, in search of Sideshow Bob who has commandeered a nuclear bomb. Two soldiers are searching all the Port-A-Johns, finding Abe in one] This elevator only goes to the basement! And someone made an *awful* mess down there...

Homer Simpson: [Bart is being held hostage on the Wright Brothers' plane. He climbs out on to the wing. Homer is driving his car just a few feet below] Jump, Bart! I got ya!
[Bart throws Homer his backpack, but Homer misses it. It bounces off the hood of the car, gets run over by both the front and back wheel and then bursts into flame]
Homer Simpson: Now you, boy!

Homer Simpson: [Outside a razor-wire fence, Marge is bandaging up Homer's hands] Okay, so we *can't* go over the fence...


"The Simpsons: Homer Alone (#3.15)" (1992)
[last lines; Marge is home after taking a vacation by herself, and the house nearly went to pieces without her]
Marge Simpson: And from now on, I expect you to help out a little more at home.
Homer Simpson: You got it, honey. Do you have enough blanket?
Marge Simpson: Well, I could use a little more. And I also need to have a little time to myself now and again...
Bart: Mom?
[Widen to show that Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are sharing the bed with Homer and Marge]
Bart: I think I speak for everyone in this bed when I say you have nothing to worry about. Now let's just try to get a little shut-eye, huh?
[He turns out the light. The whole family lets out a sigh. Marge and Homer's eyes close, then Bart and Lisa's. Finally, Maggie's eyes droop, and close]

[as Marge train pulls away]
Marge Simpson: Goodbye, Homie.
Homer Simpson: [running after her] Goodbye? Where's my clean underwear?
Marge Simpson: Check the dryer!
Homer Simpson: How often should I change Maggie?
Marge Simpson: Whenever she needs it!
Homer Simpson: Marge, Marge! How do I use the pressure cooker!
Marge Simpson: Don't!

[as Marge is on her way home, Homer tries to think how to tell her Maggie has wandered away]
Homer Simpson: Look, Marge, Maggie was young. It's not like we got attached to her... NO!

[Marge has had a nervous breakdown and parked her car in the middle of a bridge. Homer comes rushing up]
Homer Simpson: Let me through, let me through! I'm her husband!
Eddie: Well, that explains a lot.
[he and Lou laugh, then sigh]


"The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy Land (#6.4)" (1994)
Homer: Wow, it *is* the seventies, right down to the smallest detail.
Marge: Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta.
John Travolta: Yeah, *looks* like...

Marge: I have nothing to say to you.
Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner.
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?

Lisa Simpson: Dad, remember when you said going to Itchy & Scratchy Land would be too damn expensive?
Homer: Oh, everything's too damn expensive nowadays. Look at this Bible I bought - fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everyone's a sinner. Except for this guy.

Homer: Okay, let's make a pact. This is gonna be the best vacation ever or we're all agreed to disband and join other families.
Marge, Bart, Lisa Simpson: Agreed.


"The Simpsons: The Bart of War (#14.21)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: I didn't know you were such a Beatles fan.
Ned Flanders: Of course I am,! They were bigger than Jesus! But your boy went Yoko and brought up my collection!
Homer Simpson: Look, Marge! I'm Brian Epstein.
[drums his hands on some Beatles bobbleheads and giggles]
Homer Simpson: Now I'm Michael Jackson.
[in falsetto voice]
Homer Simpson: I own all your songs, losers.

Bart Simpson: [after the Calvary kids have won the prize for most boxes of candy sold even though their candy contained laxatives] I guess that's it, they beat us
Nelson Muntz: At least we made a lot of people sick
Homer Simpson: Well I'm not finished, where does it say we have to be gracious in defeat?
Bart Simpson: Its on the back of our vests
Homer Simpson: Marge remove that stitching

Marge Simpson: [a riot is occurring in Duff Stadium] All I wanted was to glue feathers on felt and teach the boys good citizenship
[she starts to cry and the cameraman turns the camera to her]
Homer Simpson: [Seeing her crying on the stadium screen] That's my wife and she's crying!
Groundskeeper Willie: Dry your tears lass
Otto Mann: Then show us your boobs
Drederick Tatum: [after repeatedly punching Moe] Dear God, why are we fighting?
Others: I ain't doing any fighting

Homer Simpson: [reading the Pre teen braves brochure] Hey these freaks do a lot of cool stuff, cookouts, bowling
Lisa Simpson: Maybe you should lead Bart's tribe?
Homer Simpson: You mean like some sort of madman?
Lisa Simpson: Ideally no
Homer Simpson: I'll do it!


"The Simpsons: You Don't Have to Live Like a Referee (#25.16)" (2014)
Lisa Simpson: My hero isn't someone famous.
Homer Simpson: Pfth. Loser.
Lisa Simpson: He's never accomplished anything great.
Homer Simpson: Pa-thetic.
Lisa Simpson: And he's not in any history book.
Homer Simpson: Makes me sick.
Lisa Simpson: He's my dad.
Homer Simpson: Bwah?

Homer Simpson: Well, no one's ever questioned my professionalism, except at my profession.

Homer Simpson: I would live here, if not for the fish that swims up your pee stream. That's a deal breaker.

Homer Simpson: Well, as long as we're being brutally honest, that picture you drew of me in the third grade was far from a perfect likeness.
Lisa Simpson: But you put it on the fridge.
Homer Simpson: It was pity fridged!


"The Simpsons: Simpsons Christmas Stories (#17.9)" (2005)
Homer Simpson: Wine into water? Who could have performed such a cruel miracle?

Homer Simpson: And did you know that baby Jesus grew up to be... Jesus?
[Crowd murmurs]
Homer Simpson: Yeah. Weird, isn't it?

Homer Simpson: [as Joseph] A pregnant virgin? That's every man's worst nightmare!
Lisa Simpson: [as the herald angel] Fear not, Mary. You are full of grace.
Homer Simpson: That's not all she's full of.
Lisa Simpson: Quiet, you.

Homer Simpson: [singing to the music from The Nutcracker] I need a present for my wife / Or I'll have no sex for life / Diamond ring, a vase by Ming / Some kind of useful kitchen thing / I need a store I can break into / Or a place run by a Hindu
Apu: The Christmas rush has cleaned me out / I just have jerky made of trout


"The Simpsons: No Loan Again, Naturally (#20.12)" (2009)
Lenny: Homer, how can you afford this Mardi Gras party every year?
Homer Simpson: Well, it's a little thing called a home equity loan. I spend all the money I want, and the house gets stuck with the bill. He he he he! Sucker.

Moe Szyslak: Here's what you do: get the media to expose what kind of monster he really is.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah. Just like Dateline did to you.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, three times. The third was nominated for a Peabody, whatever that is.

Homer Simpson: Squeaky board here, crack on the wall there, poltergeist in the closet...
Bart Simpson: [In closet, dressed as ghost] Ooooh! I died when Homer sat on me!
Homer Simpson: [Strangles Bart] Why you little... I'm the victim here!

Homer Simpson: Now he's nailing something to our door.
Lisa Simpson: Hmm. I wonder if it's theses?
Homer Simpson: Eww, that's gross.


"The Simpsons: There's Something About Marrying (#16.10)" (2005)
Homer Simpson: [Homer holds up map for a long time so that viewers can read the locations; addresses viewers directly] Have you read them all? Ok, good.

Patty: Hey, saturated fats. I came to ask you a favor.
Homer Simpson: Let me get my beltsander. Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face.
Patty: Very funny.
Homer Simpson: I wasn't joking!
[Homer pulls out a beltsander, turns it on, and advances on Patty]

Patty: I need a favor.
Homer Simpson: Hang on, I'll get my belt sander and try to grind the ugly off your face!
Patty: Ha, ha, ha, very funny.
Homer Simpson: I wasn't joking!
[pulls out a belt sander and turns it on]

Kent Brockman: Now, Reverend Simpson...
Homer Simpson: Please, Kent, call me your Your Holiness.


"The Simpsons: Days of Wine and D'oh'ses (#11.18)" (2000)
Homer: [punching his pillow] Stupid Barney! Thinks he's too good for me.
Marge Simpson: Cheer up, Homey. You don't need friends to be happy. I haven't had a friend in years.
Homer: But you've got me. Who have I got?
Marge Simpson: [sighs] You still have Lenny and Carl.
Homer: Aw, Lenny and Carl suck!
[pleadingly]
Homer: Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, because if I ever lost them as friends...
Marge Simpson: Well, if Barney's that important to you, you've got to work it out. Old friends stick together, like OJ and AC. Or the Falcon and the Snowman.
Homer: Oh, why can't I have a nickname?

Homer: Barney, the call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges?

[Barney and Homer are in a helicopter, when they land in the middle of a bridge and stop a beer truck. A six pack falls out]
Homer: You have to do it Barney. You have to save my kids.
Barney: I can't. My nerves are shot.
[grabs six pack]
Barney: Beer.
Homer: [grabs beer] No. I won't let you do it. You have to be sober for this.
[chugs beer]
Barney: You can't drink them all.
Homer: Oh, yeah?
[wrestles rest of six pack from Barney and chugs it]
Homer: I won't let you do this Barney. Not when you've come this far in...
[slurred speech]
Homer: being the greatest pal in the world. I love you. I guess it started at graduation, when I...
[passes out]
Barney: Homer. You brave, brave man. You took 6 silver bullets for me.
Homer: [mumbles] Stay away from my wife.

[Homer is drunk]
Lisa: You saved us, dad. You did it.
Homer: I could do a lot more things if I had some money.
Lisa: Wha?...


"The Simpsons: Double, Double, Boy in Trouble (#20.3)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: This looks like a job for CAPTAIN CRAZY! Up, up and away!
[He jumps out of a ski lift and falls like a stone]
Homer Simpson: Oh, come on, gravity. You used to be cool.

Homer Simpson: Stupid grocery list, making food into work.

Homer Simpson: That boy has become a Dennis-level menace.

Homer Simpson: If that kid thinks I'm putting him through four years of puberty, he's got another thing coming. Stupid kids, think I'm made of hormones.


"The Simpsons: Three Gays of the Condo (#14.17)" (2003)
[after completeing puzzle]
Homer Simpson: It's the only worth-while thing I ever made that wasn't Lisa.
[Maggie makes angry noise]
Homer Simpson: Prove me wrong, Silent Bob.

Homer Simpson: Hey, Weird Al! Did you get those parodies I sent you?
'Weird Al' Yankovic: Yes I did, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Which one was better, "Livin' La Pizza Loca" or "Another One Bites The Crust"?
'Weird Al' Yankovic: Actually, Homer, they were both the same.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, like you and Allan Sherman.

[Homer confronts Marge with a "memory box" she had put together before they were married]
Marge Simpson: Oh, I'd forgotten all about that. Where did you find it?
Homer Simpson: More like, where didn't I find it? It was practically everywhere!

Kirk Van Houten: If you see a tie on the door knob, that means I'm with a lady.
Homer: But you don't have a door knob.
Kirk Van Houten: I don't have a tie either!


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Wedding (#6.19)" (1995)
[Flash-forward to Lisa's wedding]
Homer: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Ever since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me.
Lisa: Oh, Dad...
Homer: No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment, and you did it all yourself. You taught me to understand my own life better, and made me a better person, but you're still my daughter, and I don't think anyone has ever had a better daughter than...
Lisa: Dad, you're babbling.
Homer: See? You're still helping me.

Lunchlady Doris: Yon meat, 'tis sweet as summer's wafting breeze.
Homer: Can I have some?
Lunchlady Doris: Mine ears are only open to the pleas of those who speak ye olde English.
Homer: Sweet maiden of the spit, grant now my boon, that I might sup on some suckling pig this noon.
Lunchlady Doris: Whatever.

Homer: OK, Marge, I'll plan everything: we can have the reception at Moe's. Wait. Why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning. There'll be fewer drunks.
Marge: Homer, don't be offended, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding.
Homer: [looks through the papers of the court order] Well, these seem to be in order. I'll be out back in the hammock.

Homer: Oh, I've eaten eight different meats. I am a true renaissance man.
[takes a huge bite of pork]
Lisa: I'll go to the first aid tent and tell them to plug in ye olde stomach pump.


"The Simpsons: Ned 'N' Edna's Blend (#23.21)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: [Wearing Jesus' robe] Ooh, roomy. Our Lord really knew how to keep 'em cool.

Homer Simpson: [as Jesus] Ye cannot judge me. Only my Father can judge me.
Abraham Simpson: Crucify him!
Homer Simpson: I'm taking you with me, old man!

Bart Simpson: Hey, dad. Remember when you said that if Ned Flanders ever remarried you'd eat your hat?
Homer Simpson: [Looking up at the crown of thorns he's wearing] Oh!
[Takes a bite]
Homer Simpson: Ooh, licorice!
[Keeps eating]
Homer Simpson: Mmm, historically inaccurate.

Homer Simpson: Welcome to married life. Another good man bites the dust.
Marge Simpson: Homer!
Homer Simpson: What? I'm talking about that guy.
[Points to man on the next bed, who is flatlining and being carted out]
Homer Simpson: I sure envy him.


"The Simpsons: Bart vs. Thanksgiving (#2.7)" (1990)
Homer: Operator. Give me the number for 911.

Homer: [picks up Maggie as he watches a Thanksgiving football game] See those blue and silver guys, Maggie? They're the Dallas Cowboys. They're Daddy's favorite team, and he wants them to lose by at least three points.

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Bart Simpson: [Bart imagines apologising for wrecking Lisa's centrepiece] Lisa, I'm sorry.
Marge Simpson: [the fantasy turns nightmarish] No, no, no. That won't do at all.
Homer: Yeah, boy. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness.
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, beg me Bart. Beg me.
Bart Simpson: Lisa, I beg of you. Please forgive me.
Marge Simpson: [all the family laugh at Bart] Now, we can blame him for everything.
Homer: It's your fault I'm bald.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
Grampa Simpson: It's your fault I'm old.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
Maggie Simpson: It's your fault I can't talk.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
Uncle Sam: It's your fault America's lost its way.
Bart Simpson: I'm sorry.
[the family start saying everything is Bart's fault and he keeps apologising]


"The Simpsons: Bart on the Road (#7.20)" (1996)
[Lisa tells Homer about Bart's problem after making him promise not to get mad]
Lisa: [rapidly] Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson to a wig outlet in Knoxville and the car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong!
[Homer's face turns pink, but his voice is eerily calm]
Homer: Yes, that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?
[He puts on a radiation suit hood and screams out indistinguishable profanities, fogging the glass of the faceplate. When he takes the hood off, he is eerily calm again]
Homer: All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him.

[last lines] [after Homer and Lisa secretly rescue Bart from his latest escapade, Homer and Marge are settling down for the night. The phone rings, Marge picks it up]
Marge: Hello? Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. All right, goodbye.
[she hangs up, but the phone rings again]
Marge: Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car did not get crushed in Knoxville! I can't even begin to tell you what's wrong with that.
[she hangs up, the phone rings yet again]
Marge: Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam!
[she hangs up and turns out the light]
Homer: Hee, hee, hee...
Marge: Homer, are you laughing at me?

Homer: Hello, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura.
Moe: Ura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you. If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran.

Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.


"The Simpsons: Coming to Homerica (#20.21)" (2009)
Homer Simpson: I share your xylophobia!
Lisa Simpson: No, Dad, you mean "xenophobia". Xylophobia would be the fear of xylophones.
Homer Simpson: I *am* afraid of xylophones. It's the music you hear when skeletons are dancing!

Homer Simpson: [eating a Mother Nature Burger] I'm saving the planet! Where's my Nobel Prize?

Marge Simpson: You lost your job?
Homer Simpson: It's not my fault! Those barleyjacks filled me up with their liqueurs and liquors, but mostly the liqueurs.

Bart Simpson: Dad, are you sure you can put in these new rain gutters all by yourself?
Homer Simpson: Yeah, maybe you're right. I do have a bad history of going up on roofs and waking up in hospitals.


"The Simpsons: When Flanders Failed (#3.3)" (1991)
Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?
Homer: No, I don't know what "shaden-frawde" is.
[sarcastic]
Homer: Please tell me, because I'm dying to know.
Lisa: It's a German term for "shameful joy", taking pleasure in the suffering of others.
Homer: Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt!
[getting mad]
Homer: He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel... What's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours?
Lisa: Sour grapes.
Homer: Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!

Bart: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.
Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake.

Homer: I don't care if Ned Flanders IS the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk. End of story.

Homer: Stupid family going to stupid Flanders' stupid barbecue. What if they got back and I was dead from not eating? Then they'd be sorry. They'd say, "Oh no, why did we go to Flanders barbecue? Why did we leave Homer all alone without any food?" And I'd be laughing. Laughing from my grave. Heh heh heh.


"The Simpsons: Lard of the Dance (#10.1)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Okay, boy. This is where all the hard work, sacrifice, and painful scaldings pay off.
Employee: Four pounds of grease... that comes to... sixty-three cents.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
Bart Simpson: Dad, all that bacon cost twenty-seven dollars.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, but your mom paid for that!
Bart Simpson: But doesn't she get her money from you?
Homer Simpson: And I get my money from grease! What's the problem?

Homer Simpson: Stop pummeling me, it's really painful!
Groundskeeper Willie: Fine... I'll strangle ye for a while!

Marge: Homer! That side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight!
Homer: Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.
Marge: With cans of grease?
Homer: [sarcastically] No! Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease.

Homer Simpson: All right, son. We're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our heads in prayer. Dear Lord, I know you're busy, seeing as how you can watch women changing clothes and stuff. But if you help us steal this grease tonight, I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.
Bart Simpson: Dad, He's not stupid.
Homer Simpson: All right, screw it, let's roll!


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Tree Hugger (#12.4)" (2000)
Homer: [after Kentucky Fried Panda has been destroyed by a runaway tree] No! It was finger Ling-Ling good!

Homer: [looking at a picture of refugees in a newspaper] Look at these refugees, Marge. Not even a smile.
Marge: They've undergone terrible hardships.
Homer: Well, moping won't help anything!

Ned Flanders: [after ringing the door] Homer? It's Neddy. I baked you a little something to ease the pain.
Homer: [panicking] Oh! Must hide Lisa!
[makes Lisa up to look like Maggie]
Homer: [in a high-pitched voice] Come in!

Homer: Thanks for the beer, Moe. But before Lisa died, she made this tape that I think you should hear.
Lisa Simpson: [on tape] Dear Moe. If anything should ever happen to me, I want you to tear up my dad's tab, and pour cocktail onions... Dad, I can't.
Homer: [in a threatening voice] Read it!
Lisa Simpson: ...pour cocktail onions down your pants...


"The Simpsons: The Otto Show (#3.22)" (1992)
Homer: Son, come here. Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the garage next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit, and your unicycle, and we'll go and watch TV.
Bart: What's on?
Homer: It doesn't matter.

[Bart is trying to convince Marge and Homer to let Otto live in their garage]
Marge: Well, Homer, doesn't the Bible say, "Whatsoever you do unto even the least of my brothers, that you do unto me?"
Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut?"

Homer: That guy has gotta go!
Marge: Hmm, I know how you feel. But he is good with the kids.
[pan upward to Lisa's room, where Otto is telling her a bedtime story by candlelight]
Otto: So the lady drove faster, but the strange car kept banging into her from behind...
[Lisa gasps]
Otto: So she swerved off the road into the woods, and lost the other car. And then, she realized that the man in the other car wasn't trying to hurt her. No, he was trying to warn her... about the ax-wielding maniac hiding in her back seat!
Lisa Simpson: Did the maniac kill her?
Otto: Natch! And you know how I know?
Lisa Simpson: How?
Otto: Because... *I* was that maniac.
[Lisa's scream shakes the whole house]
Otto: [hastily] I was just kidding!

Homer: [to Otto, who's using the bathroom in Homer and Marge's bedroom] Open up! Open up! I've gotta' go and no foolin!'
Otto: [Otto comes out the bathroom] Hey, Poppin' Fresh.
[Otto pokes Homer in the stomach like he were the Pillsbury Doughboy]
Otto: You're supposed to giggle.
[Homer growls angrily]


"The Simpsons: Hurricane Neddy (#8.8)" (1996)
Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.

Ned Flanders: Need some help there? You know, maybe you folks should come over and hunker in our bunker.
[Ned's house is covered with tints]
Ned Flanders: Oh, it'll be fun! We're gonna go through our old cancelled checks and receipts and give ourselves an audit. Make sure we don't owe anything extra.
Homer: Oh, I'm sure I'd be a third wheel.
Ned Flanders: Ho ho, no sir-ee, we'd be happy as heads to ha...
Homer: [sternly] *I* would make it my *business* to be a third wheel.
Ned Flanders: Okily dokily. Oooh, I better go take down the Manger scene. If baby Jesus got loose, it could really do some damage!

Ned Flanders: Well, sir, everyone's alive. Guess that's something to be thankful for.
Homer: Now, that kind of attitude's not gonna get your house back.
Marge Simpson: I'm sure your insurance will cover the house.
Maude Flanders: Uh, well, no. Neddy doesn't believe in insurance. He considers it a form of gambling.
Ned Flanders: You know it's kind of funny. The only thing that survived the storm were the family tombstones.
[said tombstones are named Ned, Maude, Rod and Todd]
Ned Flanders: They're all we have left.
Homer: [walking off] Welp, call us if you need anything!

[about the hurricane]
Homer: All right everyone, it's the standard Grampa drill... everyone into the cellar.


"The Simpsons: Chief of Hearts (#21.18)" (2010)
Judge Constance Harm: Homer Simpson, for causing a panic in a bank, I hereby sentence you to 100 hours of community service.
Homer Simpson: Community service? But... that's work! What about jail?
Judge Constance Harm: [Pounds gavel] Community service!
Homer Simpson: No! Please send me to jail! Free meals! Teardrop tattoos! Library books that come to you! I'll serve anything but the community!

Chief Wiggum: Whatcha got there, Simpson?
Homer Simpson: Just my lunch. Roast beef parm, meatball parm, eggplant parm, moo goo gai parm, my wife can parm anything.
Chief Wiggum: My wife only parms for me on my birthday, and that's only if I give her the sad puppy face look.

Chief Wiggum: Do you ever stop breathing in your sleep?
Homer Simpson: Sometimes. They say it's because I'm overweight.
Chief Wiggum: What, you? No way! Now me, I'm overweight. My underwear has to be made specially at a factory in the Ukraine. They call me Daddy Round-Round. They send me a postcard every year.
[Shows postcard of villagers standing inside underwear]
Homer Simpson: That is some big underwear.
Chief Wiggum: I paid for their water distilation plant.

Chief Wiggum: I'm just glad we got to be friends again. You know, before we got whacked.
Homer Simpson: We're not getting whacked, because you're Chief Wiggum.
Chief Wiggum: You really have that much faith in me?
Homer Simpson: Faith is for things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real.


"The Simpsons: A Totally Fun Thing Bart Will Never Do Again (#23.19)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: Ocean sex rules! Screw land sex!

Homer Simpson: Thanks to you, we're having fun. Before-we-had-kids fun!

Homer Simpson: Choke on my numb, blue hands!

Lisa Simpson: Sure, life is full of pain and misery, but the trick is to enjoy the few good things in the moment.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, stupid. Stop thinking about having fun and have it.


"The Simpsons: Miracle on Evergreen Terrace (#9.10)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: Well, there's no easy way to say it, kids. God hates us.

Moe Szyslak: Ah, sounds like you're having a rough Christmas, Homer. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
Homer Simpson: [drunk] Yeah. You're right, Moe. You're always, Moe.

Moe: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
Homer: [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe.

Marge Simpson: Homer, you won't believe what has happened. It's a miracle!
Homer Simpson: Oh Marge. I don't want to hear any more about that silver polish.


"The Simpsons: Love, Springfieldian Style (#19.12)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: For the next three hours, we'll be absolutely kid free. It'll be like that time we lost them at the mall. That was the best Christmas ever.

Homer Simpson: They were the Bonnie and Clyde of their time. Their names were Bonnie and Clyde.

Homer Simpson: [as Clyde Barrow] Nobody calls me chicken without goading me into doing something stupid!

Homer Simpson: [as Shady] I didn't know you were such a feisty, high-class bitch.
Marge Simpson: [as Vamp] I like how you used the technical term for a female dog.


"The Simpsons: The Burns and the Bees (#20.8)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Marge, remember when we were discussing our greatest fears? Mine was snakes, and yours was...
Marge Simpson: Never having grandchildren.
Homer Simpson: Really? I thought it was Lisa with a beard of bees. Well, anyway, brace yourself.

Professor Frink: See those red spots? This bee is suffering from bee measles. Or as I call it, beesles.
Homer Simpson: Animals get sick?
Professor Frink: I'm going to talk to the girl now.
Homer Simpson: You're the nerd.

Homer Simpson: Flowers: the painted whores of the plant world.

[Lisa walks in with a beard of bees]
Abraham Simpson: President Lincoln! You've come back, and you got rid of that hat. You've got my vote.


"The Simpsons: E Pluribus Wiggum (#19.10)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: We're all concerned about your weight. Bart said NASA called. They said that your gravity is pulling all the satellites out of orbit.
Homer Simpson: Marge, that was a joke.
Marge Simpson: I know, but it came from a true place.

Homer Simpson: All right, everyone who didn't come out of my loins out of my house! You too, Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson: But I was in Die Hard.
Homer Simpson: Pfft! Die Hard 2.

Lisa Simpson: Ralph can't be president. He's the dumbest person on the dumbest percentile group.
Homer Simpson: A president doesn't have to be smart. All he has to do is point the army and shoot.
Lisa Simpson: But he's eight, and the Constitution says you have to be thirty-five to be president.
Bart Simpson: Lis, I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed the Constitution to protect our rights.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVI (#17.4)" (2005)
[Lisa wakes Homer up after he has a nightmare inspired by A.I. Artificial Intelligence]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, wake up! You're not a robot! You're just possessed by the devil.
Priest: The power of Christ compels thee!
[the Priest splashes holy water on Homer, causing him to growl, flip his head around, and crawl up the walls]
Marge Simpson: [sighs] I'll call work and tell them you can't make it.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
[collapses onto the bed, head still backwards]
Homer Simpson: Heh heh heh, suckers.

Carl: Homer, Burns has only been chasing us for six hours and you already resorted to cannibalism.
Lenny: And there's bananas in that tree up there.
Homer Simpson: Uh, they look a little green.

Lisa Simpson: I hate going to the zoo. I feel so sorry for the animals.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole new world for the animals. In the wild, they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose - you know, the American Dream.


"The Simpsons: Mona Leaves-a (#19.19)" (2008)
Lisa Simpson: I hear something in the kitchen.
Homer Simpson: That's where the food sleeps!

Homer Simpson: My mother's dead.
Grampa Simpson: I'm still with you, son.
Homer Simpson: Oh, it just gets worse and worse.

Apu: She may have been reincarnated into that baby, or that mouse on the nacho cheese.
Ned Flanders: People are not mice!
Apu: Oh, big surprise. Joe Jesus Jr. here to set us all straight.
Ned Flanders: No one comes back as anything, except for Jesus as bread, and that's it.
Homer Simpson: Oh.
[leaves dejected]
Apu: That's the problem with your religion. Everything's a bummer.
Ned Flanders: Even the sing-alongs?
Apu: No, the sing-alongs are fine.


"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
Mr. Burns: [opens his germ-free chamber and sees Homer in it, eating a sandwich] Who the devil are you?
Homer's Brain: Don't panic. Just come up with a good story.
Homer: My name is Mr. Burns.
Homer's Brain: D'oh!

Lisa Simpson: [from another room] Mom, can you bring me more O.J.?
Bart Simpson: [from another room] Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphines?
Marge: There's no such thing.
Homer: [from another room] Marge, the boy's wasting valuable time. Come change the channel and pat my head.
Marge: In a minute!
Homer: But I'll miss Sheriff Lobo!
Grampa: And get me a bottle of bourbon.
Marge: Grampa, you know you can't have liquids after 3pm.
Grampa: You can stir it into my mush. Either way, just gimme, gimme, gimme!

Troy McClure: Tonight I'm going to you about the Juice Loosener.
[Troy grabs an orange and squeezes it against his eye until it bursts. All the juice pours into a glass beneath his face]
Troy McClure: Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange.
[cuts to Homer, using the exact same method to get orange juice]
Homer: You mean there's a better way?


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)
Homer Simpson: [Homer answers the telephone wearing only a bath towel] You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
Bart: Thanks, Mom.
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba.
Marge: Hmmmmm.
Maggie: [sucks pacifier]
Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney Gumble: [belches]
Nelson: Ha-ha.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
[pause, everyone stares at Lisa]
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?

Homer Simpson: Come on, Lisa, say something funny.
Lisa: Like what?
Homer Simpson: Oh, something stupid like Bart would say. "Bucka Bucka" or "Woozle Wuzzle": something like that.


"The Simpsons: Children of a Lesser Clod (#12.20)" (2001)
Homer: [playing basketball] You da man Carl! I believe you can fly!
Carl: You know I'm so sick of peope thinking I'm good at basketball just cause I'm African-American.
Carl: [Carl slam-dunks the ball; breaking the backboard] Go Carl! Go Carl! It's ma birthday! It's ma birthday! 3P you got mail baby!

Ralph Wiggum: Where are we going, Mr. Simpson?
Homer: I'll tell you where we're NOT going: jail!
Milhouse: Then you'd better turn.
Homer: [Homer realises that he's driving to jail, screams and turns]

Homer: My kids wear these hearts to remind them they are always loved.
Man: Aww. Did you make them yourself?
Homer: Yes. Through the magic of caring.
Lisa: [Bart and Lisa are seen in the garage, making the hearts] Night will come soon.


"The Simpsons: MoneyBart (#22.3)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: [Taking off his uniform] Here's my uniform, since I won't be needing it anymore.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! Underpants dinner!
[Starts taking off shirt]
Marge Simpson: No, it's not!
Marge Simpson: [Dejected] Oh.

Homer Simpson: [answering front door] Hello, Flanders. Don't you have a neighbor on the other side?
Ned Flanders: Indeedily-doodily I do, and I love him just as much as you. It's a Flanders sandwich with great neighbor bread!
Homer Simpson: [groans]

Marge Simpson: Why do you say such ridiculous things?
Homer Simpson: They sound good in my brain, then my tongue makes not the words sound very good, formally.


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Dignity (#12.5)" (2000)
Homer Simpson: Baby made a boom-boom.

Homer: How much can I get for this?
[He hands the Comic Book Guy a mint condition Joe Dimaggio rookie card]
Comic Book Guy: Well, sir. I'm afraid your card is only worth...
[tips out the cash register]
Comic Book Guy: Everything I've got! Take it!
[he kisses the card]
Comic Book Guy: Oh no, I have smeared it with nacho fingers. I must deftly lick it off.

Marge: How did this happen? How did the Simpsons become the bottom rung of society?
Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.


"The Simpsons: Little Girl in the Big Ten (#13.20)" (2002)
Homer Simpson: [sings] I get knocked down, I get knocked down again, you're never gonna knock me down... I take a whiskey drink, I take a chocolate drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink! I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy.

[Lisa just wakes up after passing out]
Homer: Lisa? Lisa? Are you ok?
Lisa: Ok? I'm great. I'm ready for the gymnastics class, now. Ich bin ein gymnast.
Homer: Awww, she must've dreamt about Hitler, again.

Homer: [singing along to the tune of Chumbawumba's "Tumpthumping"] I take a whiskey drink, I take a coffee drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink. I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy.


"The Simpsons: C. E. D'oh (#14.15)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns, I've compiled list of safety recommendations for the plant.
Mr. Burns: Well, let me throw back my legs and pollute my britches with delight.
Homer Simpson: But the book said you'd applaud my initiative...
Mr. Burns: What book is that? "The Ape Who Wanted a Big Bonus"? Stop wasting my time and get out of my sight, you corn-fed man-cow!

Homer: Well, kids, it's Valentine's Day. You know what that means?
Bart: We get to watch TV with the sound turned way up.
Lisa: What are you and mom going to be doing?
Homer: Oh, we're going to be upstairs, making love... ly rope ladders in case of a fire.

[Homer's reading a book about corporate success]
Homer: Tip #1- "Live every day as if it was your last". Done and done.
[cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying]
Homer: I don't want to die. I'm so young.


"The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (#18.18)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: Homer, what took you so long? The game's almost over!
Homer Simpson: I got hung up at the snack stand watching those hotdogs: rolling, and turning, not a care in the world...
[to hotdog]
Homer Simpson: No more lazy Saturdays for you!
[eats it]

Homer Simpson: Uah! I hate shopping! I'm bored, my feet hurt, I'm too big for the choo-choo train...

Homer Simpson: My son caught the ball! This makes up for everything bad that has ever happened to me or ever will!


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Iconoclast (#7.16)" (1996)
Homer: Dig him up. Dig up that corpse. If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong. Dig up his grave. Pull out his tongue.
Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

Homer: [deadly serious] I've got two questions. One: Where's the fife? Two: Give me the fife.

Mayor Quimby: Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.
Ned Flanders: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye. I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day.
Homer: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders. Gimme that.
[Grabs the bell from him]
Homer: Hear ye. Hear ye. Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world.
Chief Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous.
Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance.


"The Simpsons: Eight Misbehavin' (#11.7)" (1999)
Homer Simpson: Hey Apu. Sitting in the ice cream cooler, ay?
Apu: By chilling my loins I increase the chances of impregnating my wife.
Homer Simpson: Wah-ooh, too much informaaation. Thanks for the mental pictuuure. Why don't you tell us what you reeeally think.
Apu: Would you stop spouting those hackneyed quips?
Homer Simpson: Could you beeee any more...
[pause]
Homer Simpson: Hellooooo...
[laughs]
Homer Simpson: ... Look, just give me some ice cream.
[Apu removes a tub]
Homer Simpson: Um... how 'bout one *not* touching your ass.

Homer Simpson: Eight kids?... Hmmm.
[pause]
Homer Simpson: I'm sterile, right baby doll?
Marge Simpson: Yes dear, from the nuclear plant.
Homer Simpson: Beautiful.

[Manjula and Apu are in the hospital with newborns]
Apu: How did we get eight?
Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon: Apu, I must confess. When we were having trouble conceiving, I took fertility drugs.
Apu: Wooh. I, too, am afraid I'm guilty of monkeying with nature. I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast squishy.
Hibbert: [Using a calculator] Mmm-hmm. Well that would only account for quintuplets. Did anyone *else* slip this woman fertility drugs?
[Homer, Marge, and Bart raise their hands]
Homer Simpson: Mine tasted like strawberry.
[Homer pops one into his mouth]
Homer Simpson: Ovulicious...


"The Simpsons: Boy Meets Curl (#21.12)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: Let us curl, milady. Let us throw and sweep atwain until the heavens themselves drop their jaws in wonder and envy. And afterwards there'll be beer and cocoa with marshmallows floating in the foam. And if, from now till the end of time, someone should ask what we were doing on the eve of the seventeenth of November, we shall proclaim that we were curling!

Marge Simpson: This isn't fair. I wanted romance.
Homer Simpson: How about bromance?
Marge Simpson: It's not the same.
Homer Simpson: Dude!
Marge Simpson: I'm not a dude. I'm a hottie.
Homer Simpson: Ooh, this bromance just got interesting.

Marge Simpson: We're going to Vancouver!
Homer Simpson: Pack your winter coat, honey. We're going to Canada's warmest city.


"The Simpsons: The Devil Wears Nada (#21.5)" (2009)
Carl Carlson: Homer, you've hardly had any meltdowns all week, so I'm making you executive assistant.
Homer Simpson: Why can't I keep the job I have now, whatever it is?
Carl Carlson: Easy now, big fella. Either be my assistant, or seek work elsewhere. And in this economy, elsewhere ain't hiring.
Homer Simpson: Very well, I guess I'm at your beck.
Carl Carlson: And call.
Homer Simpson: Nooo!
Carl Carlson: Yeah.

Homer Simpson: Ye-bonjour!
Carl Carlson: Homer, there's a moth in my room. Where are you?
Homer Simpson: Where I should have been all along. In Springfield.
Carl Carlson: What? You get back to the Eternal City of Lights, or you're fired.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I don't think so. You know that woman you've been playing "hide the baguette" with? She's French first lady Carla Bruni. You fire me, and I'll call Nicolas Sarkozy, and he'll be all over you like Truffaut on Hitchcock.
Carl Carlson: You wouldn't dare!
Homer Simpson: Oh, wouldn't I? Just listen!
[Dials other cell phone]
President Nicholas Sarkozy: [On phone] Allo, you are getting cozy with Sarkozy.
Carl Carlson: All right, Homer, you win. Give Marge my best.
Homer Simpson: I will, but first, I'll be giving her mine.

Homer Simpson: See? He hasn't changed a bit.
Carl Carlson: [On P.A] Yes I have, in ways you are only beginning to suspect.


"The Simpsons: Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington (#14.14)" (2003)
Elderly Congressman: Why, this news make my blood boil, my left arm feel numb, my mouth taste of copper! Arrgggh!
[congressman collapses]
Marge: He's had a heart-attack! Quick someone do CPR!
Homer Simpson: [singing] I see a bad moon rising.
Marge: No that's CCR!
Homer Simpson: Errr...
[singing]
Homer Simpson: Looks like we're in for nasty weather.

[the Simpsons' drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out of it]
Homer: [in baby talk] Maggie. That's where you were, honey. You were hiding in the drywall, yes you were. Daddy's sure happy Social Services didn't see this, yes he is.

[Homer bursts into Congress, drunk]
Homer: You call this a bicameral legislature?


"The Simpsons: The Princess Guide (#26.15)" (2015)
Marge Simpson: Lenny said you were babysitting, and if you are babysitting, why can't you do some of it at home? I could use a night out.
Homer Simpson: Sorry, Marge, but I am the royal babysitter. If I started watching commoners, the tongues of the court would be a-wag.
Marge Simpson: Really, "a-wag"? Really?

Homer Simpson: She's gone!
Moe Szyslak: And she trashed my bar! No, wait, she actually cleaned up a little bit. Good for her.

Homer Simpson: Moe Szyslak, this is the part of the fairy tale where the princess goes back to the hotel and watches TV.


"The Simpsons: Ice Cream of Margie: With the Light Blue Hair (#18.7)" (2006)
Homer Simpson: And now to get dressed in a most unusual way.
[Homer starts dressing up as an ice cream man like Alli G, starting from no clothes to underwear, ect. Ends with hat]
Homer Simpson: [Cool accent] Butter brickle!
[Finger snap]

Homer Simpson: [to Marge] This is the most fun I've ever had giving you wood.

Homer Simpson: Well excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on.


"The Simpsons: King of the Hill (#9.23)" (1998)
Sherpa #1: Brad and Neil were quite insistent you not die.
Sherpa #2: Frankly we don't care.
Homer Simpson: I'm going to climb this entire mountain on my own!
Sherpa #1: Then technically, shouldn't you go back down and start all over?

Homer: [reading a sign saying 'Gym'] A gime?
[mispronouncing gym]
Homer: what's a gime?
Homer: [upon entering gym] Ooooh! A *Gime*

[in gym]
Homer: Just think, two months ago I didn't know what dumb-bell meant.


"The Simpsons: Dog of Death (#3.19)" (1992)
[after Santa's Little Helper disappears]
Homer: There's his leash, there's his water dish, and there's the spot where he took a whiz on the rug!
[cries]
Marge: Homer, get a-hold of yourself! Remember, Doggy Heaven!
Homer: Oh, Marge! There's no such place! I made it all up!
[Marge clears throat]
Homer: Or to put it another way... there... is.

[Homer is reading a book called "Canine Surgery."]
Marge: No!
Homer: What?
Marge: You are not going to perform that operation yourself!
Homer: But, Marge, it looks so easy! Like carving a turkey...
[flashes back to last Thanksgiving, him wielding the electric carver]
Homer: ... Maybe you're right.

Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: A dinosaur.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIV (#15.1)" (2003)
Lisa Simpson: Dad you've become the new Grim Reaper!
Homer Simpson: No way! Forget it! I may occasionally kill out of anger or to illustrate a point but I am not a Grim Reaper!

Homer Simpson: [about to kill Death] This is for Snowball I and JFK!

Lisa Simpson: Dad, do you realize what you've done? You've created a world without death!
Homer Simpson: Does this mean they'll never cancel the Jim Belushi show?
Lisa Simpson: I guess so.
Homer Simpson: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Date with Density (#8.7)" (1996)
Ned Flanders: [awakened by the phone ringing] Howdily-diddely.
Homer Simpson: [on the phone via the auto-dialer] Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look...
Ned Flanders: [hangs up] Oh, it's that darn recording again.
Maude Flanders: Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.
Ned Flanders: [Ned turns out the light and the phone rings again] Howdily-di.
Homer Simpson: Greetings, friends.
Ned Flanders: [hangs up] Dang!
Maude Flanders: I told you to unplug the phone.
Ned Flanders: But it could be my mother!
[the phone rings]
Ned Flanders: Howdy...
Homer Simpson: Greetings, friends...
Ned Flanders: [hangs up] Shoot!
Maude Flanders: That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn.
Homer Simpson: [out his window] Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

Homer: Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. Use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is only a dollar away.

Homer: This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.


"The Simpsons: The Principal and the Pauper (#9.2)" (1997)
Abe Simpson: [to Agnes] Hello Beautiful.
Agnes Skinner: In your dreams!
Abe Simpson: We'll see about that!
[He falls asleep]
Abe Simpson: [Talking in his dream] Hello Beautiful.

Homer Simpson: [Homer is driving the family car] Okay, once more. Where are we going?
Mrs. Krabappel: To Capitol City.
Homer Simpson: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
[Camera pulls back to reveal Mrs. Krabappel and Mrs. Skinner sitting next to him]
Agnes Skinner: We're going to talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
Homer Simpson: And why is Marge here?
[Camera pulls back again to reveal Marge riding shotgun]
Marge Simpson: I came up with the idea.
Homer Simpson: And why am I here?
Marge Simpson: Because the streets of Capitol City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
Homer Simpson: And why are the kids here?
[Camera pulls back to reveal Bart, Lisa and Maggie in the back seat, sticking their heads out of the window]
Marge Simpson: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
Homer Simpson: Then why is Grandpa here?
[Camera pulls back to reveal that the kids are sitting in Grandpa's lap]
Abe Simpson: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself!
[Jasper turns his head around, revealing he is riding in the very rear]

[Bart is preparing a batch of appetizers for Skinner's party]
Lisa: What's with the dog food?
Bart: My theory is - Skinner likes dog food.
[both leave, Homer walks in the room]
Homer: Ooh, a fresh batch of American balls.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Enemy (#8.23)" (1997)
Frank Grimes: [Referring to the Simpson's house, speechless] Good Heavens! This... This is a palace! How in... How in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson?
Homer: [Stares blankly] I dunno... Don't ask me how the economy works.
Frank Grimes: Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I... I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley.

Frank Grimes: [Homer's back is turned to his workstation, where an alarm went off] Oh my God! Simpson, you got a 513!
[Homer checks his watch]
Frank Grimes: No! A 513! Don't you know your operational manual?
[Homer stares blankly and then checks his watch again]
Frank Grimes: Just look behind you!
Homer: [turns around and speaks casually] Oh, a 5*13*!

Frank Grimes: Gah! I've had to work every day of my life. And what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?
Homer: [Stares blankly] What?
Frank Grimes: [Enraged] E - Everything! A dreamhouse, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and...
[sniffs]
Frank Grimes: lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? NO!
Homer: [Gets worried and gasps] What are you saying?
Frank Grimes: I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible and you leach your decent hardworking people like me. Ha! If you lived in any other country in the world you would have starved to death long ago.
Bart: He's got you there, dad.


"The Simpsons: The Falcon and the D'Ohman (#23.1)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: As God as my witness, this fist shall be pumped!

Homer Simpson: Your voice is so gravelly, just like Lauren Bacall.

Wayne: I can't live in the real world!
Abraham Simpson: This is the real world? Hot diggity dog! I'm still alive! And I'll treasure every moment, except the ones that aren't like they used to be, which is all of them. Oh, somebody kill me now!


"The Simpsons: Brother from Another Series (#8.16)" (1997)
Marge: You can't ask God to kill someone.
Homer: Yeah! You do your own dirty work.

Homer: [to Bart and Lisa] I hope Bob fed you, 'cause I ate your dinners.

Krusty the Klown: [spotting Sideshow Bob at his prison concert] What have you been doing with yourself, Bob?
Sideshow Bob: Well, Krusty, as you may remember, after I tried to frame you for armed robbery, I tried to murder Selma Bouvier. Let's see... I rigged the mayoral elections, I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you.
Krusty the Klown: [nervous laugh] Oh, yeah.
Sideshow Bob: And, whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder Bart Simpson.
Bart: [watching on television] Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
[Bart runs out of the room in terror]
Homer: [calling after Bart] He said "tried"!


"The Simpsons: The DeBarted (#19.13)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Son, from the day I met you, we didn't always see eye to eye, but since then I've really grown to respect you. And unlike love, respect can't be bought.

Homer Simpson: I'll have you know I love this car as much as I love my children.
[drives off with Lisa in the loaner car]
Lisa Simpson: Uh, dad?
Homer Simpson: [drives back] Oops! Sorry, Maggie.

Homer Simpson: Come, Marge. Your loaner car awaits.
[pushes unlock button]
Marge Simpson: Homer, did you just open the car from the outside? Oooh!


"The Simpsons: Homer's Night Out (#1.10)" (1990)
[after seeing Bart's photo of Homer with princess Kashmir]
Homer: [to Bart] Why, you little...!
[chokes Bart]
Marge: Why, you big...!
[chokes Homer]

Homer: Why are all the good things so tasty?

Homer: I have something to say to all the sons out there. To all the boys, to all the men, to all of us. It's about women, and how they are not mere objects with curves that make us crazy. No, there are out wives, they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our nieces and nephews. Well, not our nephews. they are our mothers. And you something, folks? As ridiculous this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than to stuff dollar bills into some stranger's g-sting. Am I wrong? Or am I right?


"The Simpsons: Black Widower (#3.21)" (1992)
Homer Simpson: Gee, if some snot-nosed kid put me in jail, the first thing I'd do when I got out is find out where he lived, and tear him a new belly button!
[he mimes stabbing an imaginary kid with his steak knife]
Homer Simpson: Lousy snitch...
[jerks the knife upward]
Homer Simpson: YAAH!
[Bart chuckles nervously]
Sideshow Bob: [chuckling] Mr. Simpson, you are forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha.
Homer Simpson: I am not!

Homer Simpson: To the Simpson-mobile!

[watching TV, Bart suddenly realizes Bob's plan]
Bart: [shoots to his feet] Aunt Selma has one hour to live!
Homer Simpson: Hey, down in front.


"The Simpsons: The War of the Simpsons (#2.20)" (1991)
[Homer lies in a drunken heap]
Marge: I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
Homer: Why, what did you do?

Homer: Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Homer: Aww.

Marge: [about Homer] He's so self-centered! He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, both religious and secular. He chews with his mouth open. He gambles. He hangs out in a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes!
Homer: [covers his face] Oh, it's all true!
Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, don't interrupt.
Homer: Sorry.
Marge: He blows his nose on the towels and puts them back in the middle!
Homer: I only did that a couple of times!


"The Simpsons: The Day the Earth Stood Cool (#24.7)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: You're from Portland? I've heard about people coming from there.
Homer Simpson: [Thinking] No, I didn't.

Homer Simpson: Can I man-hug you?
Terrence: Sure.
Homer Simpson: [flails his arms] I don't know how!

Homer Simpson: Well, guess what, cool people! Parents are supposed to be lame. That's so their kids have something to rebel against and be cool long enough to get married and have kids for whom they are lame. It's nature's way.


"The Simpsons: A Star Is Torn (#16.18)" (2005)
Homer Simpson: He's not Cameron anymore. He's Johnny Rainbow.
Cameron/Johnny Sunshine: Uh, Mr. Simpson, about that...
Homer Simpson: I'm not Mr. Simpson anymore, I'm Colonel Cool, and I'm the captain on this rocketship to the moon.
Bart Simpson: So are you a colonel, or a captain?
Homer Simpson: Neiter, I'm both.

[the Simpsons are eating a vegetarian meal]
Homer Simpson: I don't miss meat at all! This portobello mushroom eats like a steak - a rubbery, fungus-like steak.

[Lisa is worried about her competition in the singing contest]
Homer Simpson: Don't worry, honey. The song I wrote for you is so schmaltzy, it'll make "Moon River" sound like a farting orangutan.


"The Simpsons: Like Father, Like Clown (#3.6)" (1991)
Homer Simpson: Mel Brooks is Jewish?

Homer Simpson: [after hearing Krusty pray in Hebrew] He's talking funny talk.

Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
Homer: Why you little...


"The Simpsons: Blazed and Confused (#26.7)" (2014)
Homer Simpson: Honey, you know I don't like it when you cry at dinner. The pork chops look traumatized, the mashed potatoes can't stand to see you cry, and the kids seem upset.

Homer Simpson: An anarchic world of free expression!
Lisa Simpson: Little cars shaped like cupcakes!
Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson: I'm home!

Homer Simpson: Camping is pointless. You take a bath and dress up to drive hours to a place with no showers or laundry. What I'm trying to say is, where's Maggie?


"The Simpsons: Husbands and Knives (#19.7)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: We're gonna be rich! We can finally start a family!
Marge Simpson: We have a family.
Homer Simpson: A better one.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, are you all right? I see food on your plate instead of blurring motions.
Homer Simpson: Kids, daddy underwent a special procedure done so that he can be more attactive to your mother.
Bart Simpson: You had your hot dog plumped?
Homer Simpson: No, I had my stomach stapled.
[cuts up a piece of pizza, puts it in the blender, and drinks it]
Homer Simpson: Oh, all food tastes like barf now.

Homer Simpson: Hors d'ouvres, big fancy desserts, and my wife's paying for it all. Now I know why pimps are always so happy.


"The Simpsons: The Way We Weren't (#15.20)" (2004)
Homer Simpson: Ew, I kissed that sad, weird kid!

Homer Simpson: [sitting on lakeside dock] Who are you?
Sea Captain: I'm the camp swimming instruct-arrrr. Except on weekends, when I run the movie project-arrrr. Only PG movies, nothing R-rrrr.

Homer Simpson: Alright, how should I get there?
[looks at rowing boat]
Homer Simpson: Hmm. I guess it's row versus wade. And it's my right to choose!


"The Simpsons: Once Upon a Time in Springfield (#21.10)" (2010)
Montgomery Burns: We have to cut costs.
Lenny Leonard: But we have way more expensive unnecessaries than donuts.
Carl Carlson: Yeah, like the ceiling furniture.
Lenny Leonard: And all the joke ID badges we ordered.
Montgomery Burns: No donuts!
Lenny Leonard: No!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Carl Carlson: Nuts!
Montgomery Burns: Exactly!

Gator McCall: I'm Gator McCall, head hunter.
Homer Simpson: Aaah!
[Hides under table]
Gator McCall: No, no. I find people to fill in jobs. I specialize in the nuclear industry.
Homer Simpson: I guess a head hunter can be anything nowadays.

Homer Simpson: You can't win us back with mere donuts.
Montgomery Burns: Oh, but these donuts were made the old fashioned way. The dough sweetened with Cuban sugar from pre-Batista plantations, and fried in the tallow of three different animals, two of which are now extinct.


"The Simpsons: Whacking Day (#4.20)" (1993)
Homer: Inside every man is a struggle between good and evil that cannot be resolved.
[Dissolve to inside Homer's head; "Evil Homer," dressed in a devil suit, is dancing and shaking two castanets over a grave marked "Good Homer."]
Homer: I am Evil Homer! I am Evil Homer!

[Homer is heading out to participate in Whacking Day]
Lisa: Dad, for the last time, please don't lower yourself to the level of the mob.
Homer: Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions. Now where's my giant foam cowboy hat and airhorn?

[asking the kids what they did in school]
Bart: I got expelled.
Homer: That's my boy!
[sips his beer]
Homer: Mmm, beer... *what*?


"The Simpsons: Loan-a Lisa (#22.2)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: Is that the cat in there?
Homer Simpson: It's *a* cat. I'm not certain it's *the* cat.

Homer Simpson: After Bart, that bag is the best mistake we ever made.

Grampa Simpson: I once gave a dollar to a bum, and he wasted it on an Ellery Queen mystery novel. But there was one mystery Ellery Queen couldn't solve: why would a man be named Ellery. But my point is whatever I was talking about before I started talking about Ellery Queen.


"The Simpsons: Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish (#2.4)" (1990)
Makeup artist: [the Simpsons are being prepped for their TV appearance with Mr. Burns]
Makeup artist: Well, what do we think?
Homer Simpson: Hey! Hello, handsome!
Makeup artist: Hey, get that gunk off his face! He's supposed to be having dinner with the common man, not Tyrone Power!

Bart Simpson: Is your boss governor yet?
Homer Simpson: No, son, not yet.

Marge Simpson: Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.
Homer Simpson: Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her.
Lisa Simpson: Ooh, a political discussion at the breakfast table! I feel like a Kennedy!


"The Simpsons: The Blue and the Gray (#22.13)" (2011)
Marge Simpson: My first gray hair!
Homer Simpson: Oh, Marge. Don't worry. Lots of movie stars have gray hair, like all those women we loved in the eighties.
Marge Simpson: Oh, Homer. You always mean to say the nicest things.
Homer Simpson: Well, it's not easy with you talking all the time.

Homer Simpson: I can't stand Marge's gray hair. It's like I'm married to Richard Gere.
[Phone rings]
Homer Simpson: Not now, phone. I'm talking to myself. It's okay, Homer. It's just a couple of minutes. Thanks, Homer.
[Picks up phone]
Homer Simpson: Hello?
Moe Szyslak: Hello, wing man? You were supposed to be here two minutes ago.
Homer Simpson: Oh, thank you, prior commitment!
[Kisses receiver and hangs up]

Homer Simpson: Marge, you have nothing to worry about. I'm a wingman, a proud tradition that includes Iceman from "Top Gun", Wedge Antilles from "Star Wars", and me from now.


"The Simpsons: Dude, Where's My Ranch? (#14.18)" (2003)
Homer Simpson, David Byrne: [singing] He's your peppy, perky, nightmare neighborino!
Homer Simpson: If you despise polite lefthanders...
Ned Flanders: [singing along] Then I doubt you'll like Ned Flanders, or his creepy little offspring Rod and Todd.
Rod Flanders: That's us.
Todd Flanders: Hooray!

Indian Chief: Drink deep from these cups. The bear urine will make you strong.
[Homer and Bart stop drinking]
Indian Chief: Actually, it's Fresca.
Homer Simpson: [Homer does a spit take] Fresca?

Marge Simpson: Lisa, welcome to love. It's full of doubt and pain and uncertainty. But then one day, you find a man you love so much, it hurts.
Homer Simpson: [angry] Who is he?
Marge Simpson: You, Homie.
Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo! In your face, imaginary guy!


"The Simpsons: Funeral for a Fiend (#19.8)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: That's funny. There's nobody here.
Homer Simpson: More ribs for me!
Bart Simpson: There are no tables or chairs.
Homer Simpson: More ribs for me!
Lisa Simpson: And there's no sign of an oven, kitchen or food anywhere.
Homer Simpson: [uneasy] More ribs for me?

Shop Clerk: Want to try a new camcorder, sir?
Homer Simpson: All I'm here for is a battery!
Shop Clerkette: Care to make love, sir?
Homer Simpson: Battery, battery, battery!

All the Simpsons: [singing to the tune of "For he's a jolly good fellow"] We're going to a restaurant Grand Opening, we're going to a restaurant Grand Opening, we're going to a restaurant Grand Opening, but don't fill up on bread!
Homer Simpson: That's how they getcha!


"The Simpsons: The Call of the Simpsons (#1.7)" (1990)
[Homer gets shot with a tranquilizer dart]
Bart: Dad! Oh, Dad!
Homer: Avenge me, son. Avenge my death.
[starts snoring loudly]

Homer: And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear and they don't like it!

Lisa Simpson: Remember, Dad. The handle of the big dipper points to the north star.
Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.


"The Simpsons: Specs and the City (#25.11)" (2014)
Carl Carlson: I always thought your name was spelled Simsun.
Homer Simpson: You don't know how to spell my name? Don't you ever look up at the sky?
[They look through a skylight; The Simpsons title appears through the clouds]
Carl Carlson: I was wondering what that was.

Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns is using our glasses to spy on us? This is a violation of our privacy.
[Sits down to watch monitors]
Homer Simpson: Now let's see what we can see.

Mr. Burns: [Catches Homer in his office] Who are you?
Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns: Oh, sorry, Mr. Burns. I won't trouble you again.


"The Simpsons: Simpson Safari (#12.17)" (2001)
Dr Joan Bushwell: Every day I get up at 5:30, watch the chimps, eat a quick lunch of roots and water, then more chimpwatching. After dark, I come home and think about chimps until it's time for bed.
Homer: You must be the most boring woman on Earth!

Homer: Ahh. A hungry hungry hippo.

Homer: Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could just shop at the gas station like normal people.


"The Simpsons: Jaws Wired Shut (#13.9)" (2002)
[Homer rides into the derby arena on a trouble-making donkey]
Derby Announcer 1: A man on a donkey! Never in my six weeks on the job have I seen the likes of this!
[the donkey stops, exhausted]
Homer: [Like Pop-Eye] Eh, looks like I need fuel for me mule; gas for me ass
[chuckles]

Homer: Stop the madness! Start the movie!
Lisa: Maybe we should try to calm dad down.
Bart: I prefer to egg him on. Hey, dad, has the movie started yet?
Homer: [hysterical scream] YAAAHHHHHH!

Marge: Homer, you're going to get into trouble.
Homer: I'm not scared of those ushers. What are they going to do, advance on me?


"The Simpsons: The Man Who Came to Be Dinner (#26.10)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: Wow. This place is completely alien, but everything's in English. Just like Canada.

Homer Simpson: Look at all these dials and knobs. They truly are an advanced species. Maybe they'll be nice to us.
Lisa Simpson: You mean like the Europeans were to the Native Americans, or the Belgians to the Congo?
Homer Simpson: Oh, sure. Mention the only two times in history when things got messy.

Lisa Simpson: Now do you see why I'm a vegetarian?
Homer Simpson: I do now, Lisa.
Rigelian Doctor: You do get to choose your last meal.
Homer Simpson: I'd like rabbit, lots of rabbit.


"The Simpsons: The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (#8.25)" (1997)
[about Bart's incorrigible behavior]
Chief Wiggum: You know, you do have options. For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know?
Homer Simpson: Not very.

Homer Simpson: [nervously] Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns?
Bart Simpson: Sir! Yes, sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!

[Bart's latest prank has shattered windows all over the city]
Homer Simpson: [shouting] You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
Lisa: [shouting] When do you expect the ringing will stop?
Chief Wiggum: [checking his watch, shouting] In about ten to fifteen seconds!
Marge Simpson: [shouting] I certainly hope-!
[ringing stops]
Marge Simpson: -so!
[covers her mouth, embarrassed; normal voice]
Marge Simpson: That's better.


"The Simpsons: Covercraft (#26.8)" (2014)
Homer Simpson: And that's the terrifying tale of how the Quebec Nordiques became...
[menacing voice]
Homer Simpson: ...the Colorado Avalanche.

Homer Simpson: I'm not jealous, I'm envious. Jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have. Envy is wanting what someone else has. What I feel is envy.
Lisa Simpson: [Checking into a dictionary] Wow, he's right.

Lisa Simpson: [At the outlet stores] Look at all these monstrosities.
Homer Simpson: Honey, what did I tell you about worshiping our corporate overlords?


"The Simpsons: To Cur with Love (#24.8)" (2012)
Marge Simpson: The pound hasn't reported any greyhounds, but they have a daschund, a schnauzer and a pregnant raccoon.
Homer Simpson: Sounds like a trade up. How much for the pregnant raccoon?
Marge Simpson: We're not getting a raccoon!
Homer Simpson: Good, Marge. Get the price down.

Homer Simpson: Well, I can't lift anything this heavy without my weightlifting belt.
[Bends down to reach belt, but cracks his back and moans]
Marge Simpson: You know you can't lift your weightlifting belt without wearing your weightlifting belt.

Homer Simpson: [Playing Villageville] Time to get a snack, but first, should I introduce the bubonic plague? Eh, what could be the harm?
[Selects "yes"]
Homer Simpson: Oh, now I have to buy a corpse wagon.


"The Simpsons: The Great Louse Detective (#14.6)" (2002)
[while Apu and Sideshow Bob reminisce about Bob's attempt to frame Krusty for robbing the Kwik-E-Mart]
Homer Simpson: If you two hens are finished *clucking*, I would like to buy the latest issue of "Jugs & Ammo".

Sideshow Bob: Homer, how can one man have so many enemies?
Homer: I'm a people person... who drinks.

[Sideshowbob is helping Homer, who has just been elected king of Mardi Gras, find his attempted killer]
Sideshow Bob: Homer it's a trap. You only won because someone filled the poll with these.
[shows votes with all the same handwriting]
Homer: Nevertheless, the people have spoken.


"The Simpsons: Bart the General (#1.5)" (1990)
Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
Lisa: No there aren't.
Bart: Teacher's pet. Apple polisher. Butt kisser.
Homer: Bart. You're saying butt kisser like it's a bad thing.

Abe Simpson: I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days, when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.

Abe Simpson: You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.


"The Simpsons: 'Round Springfield (#6.22)" (1995)
Homer: If you want something to remember him by, I say get a tattoo. It'll be a constant reminder of the one you love.
[Homer pulls up sleeve to reveal tattoo saying "Starland Vocal Band"]
Homer: [incredulous] Starland Vocal Band? THEY SUCK!
[Grampa appears outside and they watch as he points at a fountain]
Grampa: DEATH!

[at a cemetery]
Homer: I sure could go for a hot dog right about now...
Marge: Homer, we're at a funeral.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs here.
Homer: Woohoo!
Marge: Do you follow my husband around?
Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

Homer: Jazz? Who needs it? We can make up our own music.
[to the tune of Mary Had A Little Lamb]
Homer: Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee...
Marge: Homer, that's Mary Had A Little Lamb.
Homer: Okay. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo...
Marge: Homer, that's the same thing, only you replaced your dees with your doos.
Homer: D'oh!


"The Simpsons: Waverly Hills 9-0-2-1-D'oh (#20.19)" (2009)
Lisa Simpson: It says here that Springfield Elementary is so bad it's two deviations below the norm.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I can't understand that math reference because I went to Springfield Elementary!

City Inspector: [Flips coin] Call it, friendo.
Homer Simpson: Heads! No, tails! No, on its side!
[coin falls on it side]
City Inspector: Well played.

City Inspector: "Go, Dog, Go", pages missing. Lego spaceship, poorly constructed. Clearly this is the appartment of elementary school children. Too bad. I was really looking forward to killing you and making it look like a suicide.
Homer Simpson: Oh, thank you, friendo!
City Inspector: I am not your friendo.
Homer Simpson: But I thought...


"The Simpsons: What to Expect When Bart's Expecting (#25.19)" (2014)
Homer Simpson: Booze, why are you doing this to me? I drank every kind of you.

Bart Simpson: I just don't like art.
Homer Simpson: No one does, son. That's why they lock it up in museums where no one can see it.

Homer Simpson: Fat Tony?
Fat Tony: That's right, Fat Homer.


"The Simpsons: Homer at the Bat (#3.17)" (1992)
Homer Simpson: You're Darryl Strawberry!
Darryl Strawberry: Yes.
Homer Simpson: You play right field.
Darryl Strawberry: Yes.
Homer Simpson: I play right field too.
Darryl Strawberry: So?
Homer Simpson: Well, are you better than me?
Darryl Strawberry: Well, I've never met you, but... yes.

Homer Simpson: Hey Clemens, did I make the team?
Roger Clemens: You sure did.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry!
Roger Clemens: Wait a minute. Are you Ken Griffey Jr.?
Homer Simpson: No.
Roger Clemens: Sorry. Didn't mean to get your hopes up.

Homer Simpson: Where do you think you're going?
Lisa Simpson: To the game.
Homer Simpson: No, no! I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt!
Bart Simpson: We've seen it, Dad.


"The Simpsons: Maximum Homerdrive (#10.17)" (1999)
Homer Simpson: Don't you have school?
Bart Simpson: Don't you have work?
Homer Simpson: Ah, touche.

Homer Simpson: This is Red Barclay's shipment, on time as always.
Dockmaster: Alright, let's see... Artichokes aaand migrant workers. Looking good.

Homer: Hey, shouldn't you be at school?
Bart: Shouldn't you be at work?
Homer: Ah, touche.


"The Simpsons: Summer of 4 Ft. 2 (#7.25)" (1996)
[At the Flanders's beach house, after spotting Lisa's friends pasting seashells onto his car]
Homer Simpson: Sweet merciful crap! My car!

Homer: [picking up Lisa's empty suitcase] Hmm, somebody's traveling light!
Lisa: Meh, maybe you're getting stronger.
Homer: Well, I have been eating more.

Marge: Say bye bye to our house, Maggie! Bye bye tree!
Homer Simpson: Bye bye, work!
Bart: Bye bye, toothbrush
Lisa: Bye bye, Lisa Simpson


"The Simpsons: The Computer Wore Menace Shoes (#12.6)" (2000)
Storekeeper: You're not a sucker, are you sir?
Homer: Oh, heavens no!

Homer: [as Homer uses a raft to escape the island, Rover pops up] AHH! An anti-escape orb
[He looks around and pops Rover with a fork]
Number Two: [Number Two and the scientist are observing Homer's escape] Why did you think a big balloon would stop him?
Scientist #1: SHUT UP! That's why!

Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.


"The Simpsons: Saturdays of Thunder (#3.9)" (1991)
Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will.

Nelson: [to Bart] Hey, Simpson, where's your Losermobile?
Homer: Losermobile, heh heh heh... wait a minute.

Homer: Oh my God, I don't know jack about my boy!
[sobbing]
Homer: I'm a bad father!
Patty: You're also fat.
Homer: [sobbing] I'm also fat!


"The Simpsons: Simpson and Delilah (#2.2)" (1990)
Karl: The tartar sauce, the bathroom key, drying your boss's hands! You did it all! It was never the hair! You did it because you could and you still can.
Homer Simpson: No I can't, coz I'm just a big fool.
Karl: No you're not.
Homer Simpson: Why not?
Karl: Because my mother told me never to kiss a fool!
[kisses him]

[Bart shatters Homer's bottle of hair-restoring Dimoxinil]
Homer: [strangling Bart] BOY-MUST-DIE!
Bart: [choked] I, I love you, Dad!
Homer: Ohh...
[drops him]
Homer: Dirty trick.

[Homer cries over his spilled bottle of Dimoxnyl]
Marge Simpson: Homer, I'm sure if you just went back to the pharmacy...
Homer Simpson: I don't have a thousand bucks! But you do, right? You've been saving it, for a rainy day! Haven't you, Marge?
Marge Simpson: Homer!
[Homer starts sobbing again and rubs his head over the Dimoxnyl stain on the carpet]
Lisa Simpson: Dad is taking this in a less-than-heroic fashion.


"The Simpsons: Rosebud (#5.4)" (1993)
Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

Homer: Well, we didn't get any money, but Mr. Burns got what he wanted. Marge, I'm confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?
Marge: It's an ending, that's enough!

[Homer sits down in the middle of the night to eat cheese]
Homer: Mmmm. Sixty-four slices of American Cheese...
[begins eating]
Homer: ...sixty-four... sixty-three...
[morning comes, Homer is still eating]
Homer: Two... one...
[Marge walks in]
Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.


"The Simpsons: In the Name of the Grandfather (#20.14)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: A house and garden show?
[Bart, Lisa and Homer groan]
Bart Simpson: You told me we were going to a video game expo!
Lisa Simpson: You told me we were going to clean trash on the freeway!
Homer Simpson: You told me something but I wasn't listening!

[the whole family is in the hot tub]
Marge Simpson: I feel like we should get out.
Homer Simpson: Interesting proposal. And now, with a opposing point of view, bubbles!

Ned Flanders: Guys, could you cool your jets? Some of us are trying to sleep.
Homer Simpson: Why don't you join us, Flanders? Are you afraid to get your moustache wet?
Ned Flanders: Well, actually, yes.
Bart Simpson: Come on, Ned. Baptize your buns.


"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Kancelled (#4.22)" (1993)
[the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing at Moe's bar]
Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, do you want to appear on a Krusty comeback special?
Flea: Sure, if you can get us outta this gig.
Bart: No problemo.
[Bart points to the wall behind Moe]
Bart: Hey Moe, look over there.
Moe: What? What am I looking at?
[Bart and the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk out the door]
Moe: I'm gonna stop looking here in a second. What, is *that* it?
[Homer walks into the bar]
Homer: Hey Moe, can I look too?
Moe: Sure, but it'll cost ya.
Homer: My wallet's in the car.
[He runs outside]
Moe: He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall...

Gabbo: And now it's time for another patented Gabbo crank call! Oh, I love these!
Bart: I can't believe it! He stole this bit from Krusty!
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.
Grandpa Simpson: Oh, everything's stolen nowadays. Why, the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.

Bart: [the TV flashes and yells the name Gabbo three times] Did you see that?
Homer: Yeah
Bart: What was it?
Homer: I reckon it's some guy's name. Some guy named Gabbo.


"The Simpsons: Moms I'd Like to Forget (#22.10)" (2011)
Marge Simpson: Why do you have to eat peanuts in the shower?
Homer Simpson: Can't start the day without that fresh-from-the-circus feeling.

Homer Simpson: So, seen any good beer commercials lately?
Man: Asinine! Everything you say is asinine!

Homer Simpson: Ooh, this is late for Marge... I assume. I've never been home at this hour.


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Hit by a Car (#2.10)" (1991)
[the lawyer asks Marge's opinion of Dr. Riviera's competence]
Marge: I'm sorry, but my mother said, if you can't say anything nice about someone, you shouldn't say anything at all.
Homer: [whispering] Will that hold up in court?
Lionel Hutz: No, I've tried it.

Lenny Leonard: Hey, Simpson, I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy.
Homer: Yeah. If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and...
Waylon Smithers: SIMPSON!
Homer: Aah!
[coughing]
Waylon Smithers: Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!
Homer: Uh-oh!

Lionel Hutz: [giving Bart his business card] Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
Homer: Ooh, classy!


"The Simpsons: Grift of the Magi (#11.9)" (1999)
Lisa Simpson: The madness ends here!
Homer Simpson: [laughing at Lisa] Oh man! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that...

Dr. Julius Hibbert: How could you close the school?
Marge: What will become of our kids?
Homer Simpson: Where are the refreshments?
Principal Skinner: Now, you keep asking me that and I keep telling you, over there!

Homer Simpson: So, who am I beating up?
Lisa Simpson: Nobody. You're just gonna break into everyone's house and steal their favorite toy.
Bart Simpson: Thus saving Christmas.
Homer Simpson: Now, let's see... this'll make three Christmases I saved versus eight I ruined... two were kind of a draw...


"Family Guy: The Simpsons Guy (#13.1)" (2014)
Peter Griffin: [Homer strangles Peter] Ow, what the hell? That really hurts.
Homer Simpson: No, it doesn't. I do it to my son all the time.
Peter Griffin: You strangle your son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time.
Homer Simpson: That's *your* son!

Peter Griffin: [soaring across Springfield Gorge in a UFO] We're gonna make it!
Homer Simpson: Trust me, we're not.

Homer Simpson: [making friends with Peter] I think we're going to get along just okay.


"The Simpsons: Selma's Choice (#4.13)" (1993)
Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer: Boy, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
[Marge whispers something in his ear]
Homer: I knew that.

Homer, Bart Simpson: [singing in the car] On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball...
Marge: If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral!
Homer: [singing] Ding-dong, the witch is dead!
Bart Simpson: Which old witch?
Homer: The Wicked Witch!

[Homer has gotten food poisoning]
Marge: You look terrible.
Homer: I don't care. I'm going to Duff Gardens!
[he stands, then collapses and crawls out the door on his hand and knees. Cut to in the car, where he is shivering in the driver's seat, wrapped in a blanket]
Homer: So c-c-c-old...
Marge: Your lips are turning blue. I think you'd better stay home.
Homer: No! Duff Gardens... hurrah!
[he passes out and hits the steering wheel, blaring the horn]


"The Simpsons: The Saga of Carl (#24.21)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: It says here that Iceland is green and Greenland is icy. The Vikings switched the names to screw with people.
[All laugh; cut to them shivering in Iceland]
Moe Szyslak: Stupid Vikings! It's still pretty damn cold!
Lenny Leonard: All I brought was shorts.

Moe Szyslak: Say, have you seen our friend? He's about this tall, wears a jacket, has no visible tattoos...
Homer Simpson: Just say he's black.
Moe Szyslak: You say he's black!

Homer Simpson: Tell us where the money is or we'll feed you shark meat fermented in its own urine.
Carl Carlson: No! Anything but the inedible food of my native people!


"The Simpsons: 'Tis the Fifteenth Season (#15.7)" (2003)
Homer: [rubs a Christmas tree and it catches on fire] Why does everything I love burn?

Homer: I'll be the nicest man in the world!
Marge: Homer, you've said that before.
Homer: Yes, but this time I'm sober!

Homer: I'm just trying to buy that Stairway to Heaven Jesus sang about.
Ned Flanders: That was Led Zeppelin.
Homer: Go back to your bong, hippie!


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Greek (#3.14)" (1992)
Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Eh, somewhere in the back.

Man: What you got riding on this game?
Homer: My daughter.
Man: What a gambler!

Homer: [Moe gets Homer's gambling winnings from his boot] I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet, Moe. Now, it's the smell of victory.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, shut up.


"The Simpsons: The Fat and the Furriest (#15.5)" (2003)
Homer Simpson: Are you a Care Bear?
Care Bear: [Holding a crowbar] I'm an Intensive Care Bear.
Homer Simpson: Why would a bear hold a crowbar?
Care Bear: Eh, I didn't want to get my hands dirty.

Homer: *Finally*... Science has joined forces with Revenge.

Homer: Wow. Sprawl-Mart has everything, even videos of talking Christian vegetables.
Cucumber Moses: [zooms in on TV] King Yamses, we will not build your food pyramid. Let my pickles go!


"The Simpsons: A Fish Called Selma (#7.19)" (1996)
Homer Simpson: [Marge's eyes are seen in a darkened bedroom] Marge, could you close your eyes. I'm trying to sleep.

Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...
[laughs hysterically]
Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know.

Selma: [to Marge] Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us?
[uncomfortable pause]
Selma: Oh, come on! Guess which one.
Homer: [excitedly] I know! I know! It's Selma, right?


"The Simpsons: Pokey Mom (#12.10)" (2001)
[Before performing his back treatment]
Homer: One, two, better not sue.

Warden: He drew a unicorn in space. I ask ya, what's it breathing?
Homer: Air?
Warden: Ain't no air in space.
Homer: There's an Air & Space Museum...

[Homer holds up Lisa to attract a bull]
Homer: Here, Toro. Here's something to gore.
Lisa: DAAAAAAAAAD.
Homer: Not now, honey. Daddy's busy.


"The Simpsons: The Bart Wants What It Wants (#13.11)" (2002)
Homer: Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?

[At an auction]
Homer: Heh, heh, heh. Watch me burn Flanders.
[picks up sheet]
Homer: Ned Flanders bids 50$.
[evil laugh]
Auctioneer: And the recipient of the 100$ bill is Ned Flanders.
Homer: D'oh!
Ned Flanders: This is going straight to the orphanage.
Homer: D'OH!


"The Simpsons: Yellow Subterfuge (#25.7)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: I love Bart as much as you do, Marge, except I don't.

Homer Simpson: As I always say, don't get mad, get dinner. Then get even... with Skinner.
Bart Simpson: You'll help me get revenge on Skinner?
Homer Simpson: Yes. Now, what's Skinner's weakness?
Bart Simpson: Everything.
Homer Simpson: Good. We can use that.


"The Simpsons: Four Great Women and a Manicure (#20.20)" (2009)
Homer Simpson: [as Sir Walter Raleigh] Your Majesty, I come from the New World with a gift: a healthful and slimming herb, tobacco.

Homer Simpson: Marge, I need some bribe money.
Chief Wiggum: Well, don't say it so loud.
Marge Simpson: All I have is some dry cleaner coupons.
Chief Wiggum: Deal.
[Takes coupons and lets Homer go]
Homer Simpson: Thanks, Marge. But remember, there's still the civil lawsuit.


"The Simpsons: All About Lisa (#19.20)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: [to Bart] Son, stamp collecting is like life -- it stopped being fun a long time ago.

Drew Carey: The thing about Krusty is that he's always on. To know exactly what he's on, you have to test his pee.
Homer Simpson: Ha-ha-ha! Pee!
Drew Carey: Seriously, test his pee. He's a danger to the community.


"The Simpsons: Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy (#5.14)" (1994)
[while making the doll for Lisa]
Lisa: Don't forget to get my mom's hair just right.
Stacy Lavelle: I think we'll use someone else for the hair.
Lisa: [pointing to her head] How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: Well...
Bart Simpson: [pointing to his head] How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: Oh...
Homer Simpson: [pointing to his head] How about me?
Stacy Lavelle: YOU ALL HAVE HIDEOUS HAIR!
[everyone gasps]
Stacy Lavelle: I mean from a design point of view.
[everyone approves in agreement]

Marge: Lisa, normally, I would say that you should stand up for what you believe in, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately...
Bart: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we can't watch Fox because they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria.


"The Simpsons: The Canine Mutiny (#8.20)" (1997)
Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving.

Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right.
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.


"The Simpsons: 'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky (#14.16)" (2003)
Homer: [while watching a meteor shower] I wish God were alive to see this.

Lisa: Dad, this lack of sleep is making mom and Maggie crazy!
Homer: Don't you think you're overreacting, talking gumball machine?


"The Simpsons: The Sweetest Apu (#13.19)" (2002)
Manjula: Apu, you have completed the list. You may now move back with your family in your never ending disgrace.
Homer: Wait a minute. You forgot to eat a light bulb.
Apu: Thank you very much, you fat blabbermouth. Sorry, sorry. It's been a rough month.
Homer: [gives him light bulb] Here you go.
[whispers]
Homer: Don't worry. I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.

Homer: I know you must get this all the time, but can I suggest a flavour?
Squishy Lady: Sure.
Homer: Grape.


"The Simpsons: Walking Big & Tall (#26.13)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: All my life I always wanted to blindly follow someone, and I think you might be the guy.

Homer Simpson: I've never written an eulogy before, but this time I did. Unfortunately, I left it at home.
[Marge hands him a piece of paper]
Homer Simpson: Thanks, lady.


"The Simpsons: Radio Bart (#3.13)" (1992)
Homer: Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero.
Lisa: How so dad?
Homer: Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out.
Lisa: How does that make him a hero?
Homer: Well it's more then you've done.

[Sting is helping in the digging effort to rescue Bart. As he digs, he sighs with exhaustion]
Marge Simpson: Sting, you really should rest. You'll wear yourself out.
Sting: Not while one of my fans needs me!
Marge Simpson: Actually, I've never heard Bart listen to one of your albums...
Homer: Shh, Marge! He's a good digger!


"The Simpsons: Diggs (#25.12)" (2014)
Bart Simpson: You don't know how impressive that is to a kid whose dad can't get the dog to sit.
[Cut to Homer yelling at Santa's Little Helper]
Homer Simpson: Sit. Sit. Sit!
[Santa's Little Helper starts hopping on his hind legs]
Homer Simpson: I don't know what the hell that is, but it's not sitting!

Marge Simpson: I hope he comes back for his bird. I don't like the way he's circling the cat.
Bart Simpson: He's just riding the thermals from dad's butt.
Homer Simpson: Well, at least someone in this family is using them.


"The Simpsons: 500 Keys (#22.21)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: Cake, will you do the honor of making my stomach the happiest bag of acid in the world? You will?

Homer Simpson: Is it really drinking and driving if you're flying a blimp? Maybe I can get the answer by texting.


"The Simpsons: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge (#11.21)" (2000)
[Otto left his fiancee at the altar because of Marge]
Bart: Say, I got an idea. Why don't you stay with us?
Marge: Bart, remember that talk we had about inviting people to stay with us without asking?
Homer: Marge, remember that talk we had about ruining peoples' weddings?

Marge: Who cut my brakes?
Homer: Oh, yeah. When I was fixing your car, I kinda spilled all your brake liquid. I didn't want to tell you, 'cause I thought you'd get mad.


"The Simpsons: A Test Before Trying (#24.10)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Goodbye, my electrical friends. Since I can't afford you anymore, I'm doing what any decent American would do: throw you away.

Homer Simpson: It's the easiest money I've ever made, lugging around a 90-pound parking meter.


"The Simpsons: The Italian Bob (#17.8)" (2005)
Homer Simpson: I honor you and your country.
[bows to an old Italian woman and hands her memorabilia mug with a sign "Kentucky" on it]
old Italian woman: [looks at the sign on the mug and angrily smashes it at the ground] Kentucky! It means "whore" in Italian!

Homer Simpson: [Krusty is helping the Simpsons hide from Sideshow Bob as extras in the opere] Can I be the Phantom of the Opera?
Lisa Simpson: Dad, the Phantom isn't in this.
Homer Simpson: But I do such a great impression of him!
[he turns around, then turns back to Lisa with his hand covering one of his eyes]
Homer Simpson: Ooh, I am the gayest supervillian ever! Beware my scented candles! Ooh, scented!


"The Simpsons: Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife (#17.15)" (2006)
Homer Simpson: [watching hi-definition TV] What a picture. You can see the soulless emptiness in that shark's eyes.
[changes channels]
Homer Simpson: Ooh, Two and a Half Men. You can see the soulless emptiness in Charlie Sheen's eyes.

Homer Simpson: [Homer is giving a report on CSI: Miami] So some guy got killed. I think it was in Miami. So CSI: Miami investigate-ted it. Then a family said how much they loved the Olive Garden. Then I fell asleep.


"The Simpsons: Bye Bye Nerdie (#12.16)" (2001)
Homer: [kicks a Saleswoman out of the house] We don't need your high-priced safety junk!
[Maggie falls from an upstairs window. The Saleswoman catches her, and gives her to Homer]
Homer: Oh, thank you.

Marge: Homer, why aren't you at work? You're late.
Homer: They said if I came in late again that I would get fired, and I can't risk that, so I'm not going.


"The Simpsons: Boy Scoutz 'n the Hood (#5.8)" (1993)
Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

[Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar bill instead]
Homer: Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo-hoo!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XI (#12.1)" (2000)
Homer: We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget - we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup.

[Homer has just performed the good deed he needs to get into heaven]
Homer: There, did you see that?
Saint Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't looking.
Homer: I thought you guys were always watching.
Saint Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.


"The Simpsons: Bart the Daredevil (#2.8)" (1990)
Dr. Hibbert: This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman. This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TV wrestling match. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.
Marge Simpson: Gee, I never realized TV was such a dangerous influence.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment.
Homer Simpson: Amen!

[last lines; Homer is in traction, sharing Captain Lance Murdock's hospital room]
Homer Simpson: You think you got guts? Try raising my kids.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror (#2.3)" (1990)
Narrator: Quoth the raven...
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Homer: D'oh!

[Homer calls the real estate agent in a rage after finding an Indian burial ground in the basement]
Homer: Mr. Pote, Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to mention one little thing. You didn't tell me it was built on an Indian burial ground!
[pause]
Homer: NO, YOU DIDN'T!
[pause]
Homer: Well, that's not my recollection.
[pause]
Homer: Uh-huh... okay, well all right. Good-bye.
[hangs up the phone and turns to Marge]
Homer: He says he mentioned it five or six times.


"The Simpsons: On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister (#16.11)" (2005)
Homer: [pulls compliance chip out of his head] I did it! And without any brain damage-amage-amage-amage-amage...

Homer: [pulls compliance chip out of his head]
Homer: I did it! And without any brain damage-amage-amage-amage-amage...


"The Simpsons: Pay Pal (#25.21)" (2014)
Booth Wilkes-John: Just so you know, you would have been a Russian general, with multiple lovers.
Homer Simpson: Well, as we say in Russia, goodbye in Russian!
Booth Wilkes-John: Dos vydanya!

Lisa Simpson: Happy Mothers Day!
Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson: Mothers Day?
Homer Simpson: Crap!
[both run out the door]


"The Simpsons: Skinner's Sense of Snow (#12.8)" (2000)
Ned Flanders: Homer, I think you hit something.
Homer: I hope it was Flanders.

Marge: How are the kids supposed to get home?
Homer: I dunno. Internet?


"The Simpsons: The Boy Who Knew Too Much (#5.20)" (1994)
Principal Skinner: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just remember, if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.
Homer: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow...

Homer: What does "sequestered mean"?
Principal Skinner: If the jury is deadlocked, they're put up in a hotel so that they cant communicate with the outside world.
Homer: What does "deadlocked" mean?
Principal Skinner: It's when the jury cant agree on a verdict.
Homer: And "if"?
Principal Skinner: A conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition of".
Homer: So "if" we get "deadlocked", we'll be "sequestered" at the Springfield Palace Hotel. Where we'll get a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO. Ooh. Free Willy.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIV (#25.2)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: I'm afraid of nothing, not even hellfires. Just please don't let me be played by Mike Myers.

Freaks: One of us! Gooble goo! One of us! Gooble goo!
Homer Simpson: What does "gooble goo" even mean?
Freaks: We don't know! Gooble goo!


"The Simpsons: Judge Me Tender (#21.23)" (2010)
[Bart is dressing up Santa's Little Helper for the ugliest dog contest]
Homer Simpson: Not ugly enough. I want him to look like this...
[Holds up Weekly World News with Bat Boy on the cover]
Bart Simpson: Ay caramba!
Homer Simpson: ...had a baby with this...
[shows picture of Mr. Burns]
Homer Simpson: ... and got sat on by this.
[Shows picture of Patty]
Bart Simpson: How about this?
[Draws picture and shows it to Homer]
Homer Simpson: Oh... my... God! Bart, you never fail to disgust me.
Bart Simpson: Just call me Barf Simpson.
Homer Simpson: I wanted to, but your mother thought kids would laugh at you.

Homer Simpson: [to Moe] You can't close! I'll have to go home and drink better beer at half the price... and natural lighting!


"The Simpsons: Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Three Times (#18.11)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: Papa, may we have petit four?
Bart Simpson: Papa, may we have pain au chocolat?
Homer Simpson: "May we"? "May we"? Mais oui!

Judge Snyder: I sentence you to life...
Homer Simpson: You moron! I'm already alive!
Judge Snyder: ...in prison.
Homer Simpson: Ah!


"The Simpsons: GI (Annoyed Grunt) (#18.5)" (2006)
Drill Sergeant: Ordinarily, I would spend the next two hours questioning your sexuality, running down your hometowns and telling you to drop and give me various numbers.
Homer Simpson: Are you gonna ask us our major malfunctions? 'Cause mine is I care too much.
Drill Sergeant: Unfortunately, the demand for troops has never been higher, so we've got to speed things up. While you've been standing here, your hair's been cut and your clothes have been replaced with army fatigues.

Drill Sergeant: [as the recruits are going through an obstacle course] Here's your nicknames: Brooklyn, Hollywood, Kissimmee-St. Cloud, Florida, Maverick, Blanket Hog, Newman's Own, Master of Suspense, England's Rose, Nickname Pending, Bram Stoker's Dracula and Snowflake!
Homer Simpson: Snowflake? What happens to me in the summer?
Drill Sergeant: A troublemaker, huh? You're gonna sit here and eat donuts while the rest of the unit does push-ups!
[Homer starts eating while the rest of the unit begins push-ups]
Homer Simpson: I don't understand, how does punishing me teach them a lesson?
Drill Sergeant: Just for that, they'll do the push-ups one-handed while you eat Alaskan king salmon and I give you a foot rub.


"The Simpsons: The Fabulous Faker Boy (#24.20)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: I'm an action figure, and I hate action!

Homer Simpson: Marge has never seen my head naked. Maybe I can wear a cowboy hat.
Rich Texan: Cowboy hat just means you have a small penis. And don't even ask me what this means.
[Takes out guns and fires them in the air]
Rich Texan: Yee-hah! I'm compensatin'!


"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Abie (#17.16)" (2006)
Homer: You are a useless old man. Name one thing you do for this family.
Grampa: I take care of the baby.
Marge: Where is the baby?
Grampa: You left me with the baby?

[Springfield wants to use the football stadium for bull fighting.]
Lisa Simpson: No! Bull-fighting is a cruel pseudo-sport!
Homer: Lisa's right! It *is* a cool super-sport!


"The Simpsons: Alone Again, Natura-Diddly (#11.14)" (2000)
Ned Flanders: Hi-diddly-ho, petal-to-the-metal-ophiles.
Homer Simpson: Flanders? Since when do you like anything cool?
Ned Flanders: Oh, I don't care for the speed, but I can't get enough of that safety gear - helmets, roll bars, caution flags...
Maude Flanders: I like the fresh air, and looking at the poor people in the infield.
Brandine: Dang, Cletus, why'd you have to park by my parents?
Cletus: Now, honey, they's my parents, too.

[Homer is taping a shirtless Flanders doing yardwork]
Bart Simpson: Why are you taping Flanders, Dad?
Homer Simpson: [slyly] You'll see.
Bart Simpson: Do you even *have* a job anymore?
Homer Simpson: I think it's pretty obvious that I *don't*.


"The Simpsons: Bart's Inner Child (#5.7)" (1993)
Milhouse: [Milouse crawls out from a tunnel of mattresses, his hand over his nose] It smells funny in there.
Homer: No, it doesn't.

Homer: Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture.
Lisa: We know, Dad.
Homer: I just thought I'd remind everybody. After all, we did agree to attend this self-help seminar.
Bart: What an odd thing to say...


"The Simpsons: Rome-old and Juli-eh (#18.15)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: Aah! A bear is eating my father!
Selma Bouvier: I'm Selma.
Homer Simpson: Aah! A talking bear is eating my father!

Homer Simpson: Do you know who you were kissing?
Grampa Simpson: Yes, I know who I was kissing. I also know why. I'm a little shaky on when and where, but I have my theories.


"The Simpsons: Home Away from Homer (#16.20)" (2005)
Townspeople: crowd cheers as prostitutes leave Flanders' house after being told off and thrown out by Flanders
Ned Flanders: I can't believe it. Everybody knew this was happening at my house and laughed at me. Well Homer, I guess you're the only true friend I have around here.
Moe: What are you talking about? Homer's the one who informed us of the sexy going-ons.
Homer: I'm sorry Flanders I couldn't tell you. I had to do it. It was just too funny.
Ned Flanders: The bible says to cast thy food upon the waters but all I got was soggy bread.
Homer: Mmm! Soggy bre...
Ned Flanders: Homer, this is not the time for that now.
Homer: ...ead!

Homer: What are you two laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying!


"The Simpsons: Marge Gets a Job (#4.7)" (1992)
Grampa Simpson: Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"?
Bart Simpson: I glanced at it. Boy cries wolf, has a few laughs... I forget how it ends.

[Marge, Homer, and Lionel Hutz confront Burns in his office]
Lionel Hutz: [slams his briefcase down on the desk] Mr. Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent, and a paper trail a mile long!
Mr. Burns: Yes? Well, *I* have ten high-priced lawyers.
[He presses a button, opening a wall panel and revealing his ten lawyers standing in a row. Hutz screams in terror and dashes out of the room]
Homer Simpson: He left his briefcase.
[opens it]
Homer Simpson: Hey! It's full of shredded newspaper.


"The Simpsons: Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish' (#7.22)" (1996)
Marge Simpson: Where are we going to put him?
Homer Simpson: Bart's room.
Lisa Simpson: Bart's room.
Marge Simpson: Bart's room.
Bart Simpson: Dumpster.

[a hit man breaks into the retirement home and hoses down the rec room with a machine gun. Escaping, Grampa flees to the Simpson house, where he is heard pounding on the door]
Grampa: Let me in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet merciful McGillicuddy, you gotta open the door!
Homer Simpson: Who is it?


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVIII (#19.5)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: I'll be going out late tonight. It's midnight monkey madness at the zoo.
Marge Simpson: Me too. I'll be overturning all the wheelbarrows in case it rains.
Homer Simpson: Well, enjoy your pointless activity.
Marge Simpson: Have fun at your preposterous event.

Homer Simpson: I thought I was killed by that magic spaghetti.


"The Simpsons: Papa Don't Leech (#19.16)" (2008)
Marge Simpson: Lurleen, I'm sorry I called you all those names, like - oh, I don't even remember.
Homer Simpson: "Confederate degenerate"?
Lisa Simpson: "Southern-fried succubus"?
Bart Simpson: "Hee-Haw ho"?

Homer Simpson: Bart, get me my suicide axe.


"The Simpsons: The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace (#10.2)" (1998)
[Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]
Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.

Homer: Ohhh, stupid movies. Who invented these dumb things, anyway?
[menacingly]
Homer: Was it you, Bart?


"The Simpsons: Simpson Tall Tales (#12.21)" (2001)
[the Simpsons are on a wagon train in the Old West]
Homer: [singing] Cleaning my gun with the safety off, safety off, safety off, cleaning my gun with the...
[gun goes off, killing a buffalo]
Lisa: Dad, you just killed a poor, defenseless buffalo!
Homer: A poor, *delicious* buffalo. He'll be enough food for the whole wagon train.
[shoots another buffalo]
Lisa: Why did you shoot that one?
Homer: Dessert.

[Lisa offers Homer apples instead of buffalo meat]
Homer Simpson: Oh boy, buffalo testicles.


"The Simpsons: Rednecks and Broomsticks (#21.7)" (2009)
Homer Simpson: Oh, I hate traffic! The band *and* the phenomenon!

Homer Simpson: Oh, why do my actions have consequences?


"The Simpsons: In Marge We Trust (#8.22)" (1997)
Akira: [on phone] Hai... Hai... Hai... Bye.
Akira: [hangs up and turns to Homer, Bart, Lisa]
Akira: Hi.
Homer Simpson: Akira, can you read this for me?
[hands Akira the box]
Akira: [reading] Ah, yes. This is a product called, "Mr. Sparkle." Very popular dish detergent.
[points to box illustration]
Akira: Hey, he looks like you. Ah! Ah - ha! Ah! Ah!
Lisa Simpson: What's he saying?
Akira: He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.
Lisa Simpson: Wow.
Akira: Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forests of Hokkaido, renowned for its countless soap factories.

[after watching the bizarre "Mr. Sparkle" Japanese commercial]
Homer Simpson: [distraught] That didn't explain anything. All I know is that they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo. There's no other explanation.
Lisa Simpson: Wait, look!
Announcer: [on TV] Mr. Sparkle. A joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern.
[a smiling fish logo appears on the left half of the screen and a light bulb logo appears on the right half. The two logos merge to form the Mr. Sparkle logo]
Lisa Simpson: Hey! It was all a coincidence.
Bart Simpson: [to Homer] Yep. There's your answer, fishbulb.
Homer Simpson: [tired] Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.
Bart Simpson: We ARE home.
Homer Simpson: [slouching onto the couch] That was fast.


"The Simpsons: The Wife Aquatic (#18.10)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: [Marge is watching a home movie of her in Barnacle Bay] I never saw Marge want to go to a place so bad. I will make her dream come true by burning that film to DVD.
[cut to Marge sadly watching the DVD]
Homer Simpson: I never seen her want to go to a place so badly. I will take her there, by downloading it to her iPod.
[cut to Marge sadly looking at her iPod]
Homer Simpson: I'm sorry I couldn't figure out how to download that movie to your iPod, so I'm taking the whole family on a surprise vacation to Barnacle Bay.

Marge Simpson: This used to be my favorite seahorse. I called it Funny Goodfeeling. Someone carved swastikas in your eyes!
Homer Simpson: Don't worry. I'm sure it was some guy full of hate.


"The Simpsons: Bart the Fink (#7.15)" (1996)
Homer Simpson: Let's see I'll have an IRSwich with-hold the lettuce, two independent sized shakes and a fudgichino.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Fill out schedule b. You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks.
Homer Simpson: [Homer muttering to himself] Hey Marge. What were your gambling losses last year?
Marge Simpson: $700.

Homer: Oh Bart, don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake up dead tomorrow.


"The Simpsons: Special Edna (#14.7)" (2003)
Principal Skinner: I believe the only venue for me is the ride of broken dreams.
Homer Simpson: Oh, you mean the Enron ride. Let's go.

Homer: We're going to Disney World.
[Homer is seen in front of the Magic Kingdom at Disney World, while sirens sound and searchlights search for Homer]
"Mickey Mouse": [over loudspeaker] Step away from the wall, step away from the wall.
Homer: It's so beautiful.
[Homer disappears over fence]
Homer: One churro, please.
Cast Member: That'll be fourteen dollars.
Homer: [crying] No. No, no, nooooo. Here.


"The Simpsons: The Great Money Caper (#12.7)" (2000)
Homer: Time to Trim the Mark.
Bart: Way to use the lingo, Homer.
Homer: 10-4, Kemosabe.

Homer: I can't believe everyone was in on it!
Willie: Willie wasn't!


"The Simpsons: Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? (#2.15)" (1991)
Homer: Oh, Herb. Because of me you lost your house and your business. Maybe it would've been better if I'd never come at all.
Herb: Maybe I would've been better off? Maybe? As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother.

Herb: [Holding baby Maggie] Homer, you're the richest man I know.
Homer: I feel the same way about you.


"The Simpsons: Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts (#23.2)" (2011)
Homer Simpson: God, I love to watch that woman get beer.

Homer Simpson: Bart, I'm going to ask you about something I read in a magazine. Are you boys in here cyberbullying?
Jimbo Jones: How could we? We're all together, and we're not using computers.
Homer Simpson: Marge, I parented!
Marge Simpson: That's great, honey. Come down for chocolate milk and a brownie.
Homer Simpson: So long, suckers.


"The Simpsons: Lemon of Troy (#6.24)" (1995)
Homer: That tree's been in Springfield since the time of our forefathers. Give it back or we'll bust in there and take it!
Shelby's Dad: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look.
Homer: Stupider like a fox!

Bart: Eat my shorts, Shelbyville!
Homer, Bart: Eat my shorts!
Ned Flanders: Yes, eat all of our shirts!


"The Simpsons: Simple Simpson (#15.19)" (2004)
Mr. Burns: [removes Pie Man's mask and gasps] Simpson! You'll rue the day you took a pie tin, made two holes for eyes, and tied a rubber band around the back!
Homer Simpson: It's not a rubber band, it's a Scrunchie!

Homer Simpson: Wherever injustice shows its ugly face, I will be there, for I am the Pie Man.
Bart Simpson: And wherever Pie Man is, the cupcake kid will not be far behind.
Marge Simpson: While you two are up on the roof, why don't you take the leaves out of the gutter?


"The Simpsons: Little Orphan Millie (#19.6)" (2007)
Homer Simpson: She's wearing white. She must have rolled the odometer back to zero.

Homer Simpson: Bart, stop talking to yourself. That'll show him. Now, how am I going to find out what color Marge's eyes are.


"The Simpsons: Future-Drama (#16.15)" (2005)
[Bender appears in the car]
Bender: Alright! You guys are my new best friends!
Homer Simpson: You wish, loser!
[he throws Bender out of the car]

Bender: Great, you guy are my new best friends!
Homer: You wish!
[Homer throws Bender out of the car destroying him]


"The Simpsons: Fat Man and Little Boy (#16.5)" (2004)
[Lisa is worried about her science project]
Homer: Lisa, all you need is a little help from your dad.
Lisa: Well, we're supposed to do this without parental help.
Homer: Sweetie, that's orphan talk.

Homer: Nothing makes a parent happier than when an eccentric single man takes an interest in their child.


"The Simpsons: Mathlete's Feat (#26.22)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: [after Bart uses him to solve a math problem] Woo-hoo! I'm a solution!

Homer Simpson: I feel like Beethoven after Charles Grodin accepted him as his pet.


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets a 'Z' (#21.2)" (2009)
Homer Simpson: Look, I've got a game to get to, so let's make this as fast as possible. Show me some of Bart's artwork, give me some false hope, and I'll give you a little something to help with his grades
[Puts bills on Zach's pocket]
Homer Simpson: I don't want As, just incompletes.

Bart Simpson: Dad, am I bad on the inside?
Homer Simpson: No, but the layers of badness reach almost to the center.
Bart Simpson: But there's still a kernel of good inside me, right?
Homer Simpson: I don't know. Kernels are kinda big.


"The Simpsons: All's Fair in Oven War (#16.2)" (2004)
Homer Simpson: Would you excuse us, Milton?
Milhouse Van Houten: It's Mil-HOUSE!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, and your father's no-house!

Homer Simpson: Why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed?
Bart Simpson: Because we're poor?
Homer Simpson: Exactly. And we're poor because we have kids.


"The Simpsons: The Ziff Who Came to Dinner (#15.14)" (2004)
Homer Simpson: Don't tell my kids I'm going to jail. Tell them I joined the Blue Man Group. I'm the fat one.

Homer Simpson: [Spooky music starts] That's it! It's one thing for a ghost to terrorize my children, but quite another for him to play my theremin!


"The Simpsons: The Bob Next Door (#21.22)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: Marge, the bathroom scale is lying again!

Homer Simpson: Aw, nothing is ever boobs or ice cream!


"The Simpsons: 'Cue Detective (#27.2)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: Should I do the thing I'm supposed to do, or the thing everybody knows I'm going to do?

Marge Simpson: Homey, I think I finally understand gluttony.
Homer Simpson: Welcome to America, baby.


"The Simpsons: Pulpit Friction (#24.18)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: If it's such a Good Book, why are there no blurbs in the back? Not even from David Sedaris, and he'll blurb anything.

Bart Simpson: But I thought you hated church.
Homer Simpson: For the record, I hated the building, the people in it, and the spirit it represents, I never hated the chruch itself. But I believe in something bigger than me now.
Bart Simpson: The only thing bigger than you now is you tomorrow.
Homer Simpson: Why you little... lamb... Mustn't kill own son, only God can do that.


"The Simpsons: Moe Goes from Rags to Riches (#23.12)" (2012)
Homer Simpson: ...and that's why I don't believe there is a God. Thank you, and God bless America.

Homer Simpson: [as a medieval peasant] So long, Marguerite. I'm off to fight in Flanders. Stupid Flanders.


"The Simpsons: Sweets and Sour Marge (#13.8)" (2002)
Duff book of records: Springfield is now the fattest city in the U.S.
Homer: Woo Hoo. In your face Milwaukee.

Bart: Why would Duff publish a book.
Lisa: It was designed to settle fight