Quotes for
Krusty the Clown (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

"The Simpsons: Homie the Clown (#6.15)" (1995)

Krusty's Accountant: Let me get this straight: You took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it *against* the Harlem Globetrotters?
Krusty the Clown: [miserable] I thought the Generals were due!

Krusty the Clown: Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette... unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill.

Krusty the Clown: See you tomorrow, kids. But before I go, I'd just like to say...
[bicycle bell rings from inside his mouth]

Krusty's Assistant: George Carlin on line.
Krusty the Clown: Yeah? Lawsuit? Oh, come on. My "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit was entirely different from your "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit. So I'm a thief, am I? Well, EXCUUUUUUUUSE MEEEEEE!
[hangs up]
Krusty the Clown: Give him ten grand.
Krusty's Assistant: Steve Martin on four.
Krusty the Clown: Ten grand.

Krusty the Clown: Tell me where you're from.
Clown student #1: Georgia.
Clown student #2: Texas.
Clown student #3: Uh... Brooklyn.
Clown student #4: Russia.
Clown student #5: New Hampshire.
Homer: Homer.

Plastic Surgeon: Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed at the total stranger staring back at you.
Krusty the Clown: [looks at the mirror] AAAAAAAAHHH! I LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME, YOU MORON!
Plastic Surgeon: Oh, nonsense, Krusty. You look at least 10 years younger. Plus I did your breasts.
Krusty the Clown: Does anybody hear me complaining about the breasts?

Krusty's Accountant: So let me get this straight - you took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it AGAINST the Harlem Globetrotters?
Krusty the Clown: But I thought the Generals were due.
[watches the game on TV]
Krusty the Clown: He's spinning the ball on his finger. Just take it. That game is fixed.

Krusty's Assisstant: George Carlin on line two.
Krusty the Clown: [on phone] Lawsuit? Oh yeah? MY Seven Words You Can't Say On TV bit is completely different from YOUR Seven Words You Can't Say On TV bit. Oh yeah? Well, excuse me!
[hangs up]
Krusty the Clown: Give him ten grand.
Krusty's Assisstant: Steve Martin on line two.
Krusty the Clown: Ten grand.

---

"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Kancelled (#4.22)" (1993)

[Krusty is trying to talk Sideshow Mel into quitting his job a fast-food joint]
Krusty the Clown: But you gotta come back, Mel! We're a team!
Sideshow Mel: No, Krusty, you always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants, and cracked my buttocks with a hammer!
Krusty the Clown: Ah, come on. You wanna spend your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?
Squeeky-Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, Mister. Whoops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow-w-w! Ow-w-w!
Sideshow Mel: Sorry Krusty, I like it here. Mr. Johansen treats me with dignity.
Mr. Johansen: Is this clown bothering you, Mel?
Sideshow Mel: It's all right, Mr. Johansen, I'll handle it.
Squeeky-Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, sir.
Krusty the Clown: I don't want it!
Squeeky-Voiced Teen: But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.

[the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing on Krusty's show]
Krusty the Clown: Now, boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Do you mind changing them for the show?
Anthony Kiedis: Forget you, clown.
Chad Smith: Yeah, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way.
Krusty the Clown: Well, okay, but here where it says, "What I got you gotta get and put it in ya," how about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss ya."
Flea: Wow. That's much better.
Arik Marshall: Everyone can enjoy that.

Krusty the Clown: If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.

Krusty the Clown: Hey that dummy can't hurt you! He's not even alive, he's dead!

Krusty the Clown: I don't how to thank you kids.
Bart: That's okay, Krusty.
Lisa Simpson: We're getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.
Krusty the Clown: WHAT? That's the sweetest plum! You little...!
[calms down]
Krusty the Clown: Ah, what the hell, you deserve it. Thanks, kids.

Krusty the Clown: Now, Johnny, what you got for us? Some jokes? A little magic?
Johnny Carson: Actually, I thought I'd lift this 1987 Buick Skylark over my head.
[does so]
Krusty the Clown: Hi-yo! Johnny, that's amazing!
Johnny Carson: Oh, yeah? Get a load of this.
[He juggles the car over his head, while singing opera]

---

The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Krusty the Clown: If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!

Russ Cargill: Springfield has become...
Man: Woooo! Springfield!
Russ Cargill: ...the most polluted city in the history of the planet.
Krusty the Clown: Drama queen!

Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut. Print. Kill the pig.
Homer Simpson: What... you can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!

Lisa Simpson: Our crisis level will be here.
Lenny: That's not so bad.
Lisa Simpson: No, this forklift is messed up.
[the forklift goes crazy until it is back to normal]
Lisa Simpson: Am I getting through to anyone?
Krusty the Clown: Hell yeah, we need a new one of those things!

[Homer and Bart are at a table. We see an interior shot of Homer's mouth as he eats. Bart is angry]
Homer Simpson: Hey, what's with you?
Bart Simpson: You really wanna know?
Homer Simpson: Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about
[sees something]
Homer Simpson: a pig wearing a hat!
[Krusty the Clown is filming a commercial]
Director: Action!
Krusty the Clown: Hey hey! It's your old pal Krusty for my new pork sandwich, the clogger! If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!
[He laughs and then takes a bite of the sandwich]
Krusty the Clown: Mmm!
Director: And... we're clear.
[Krusty spits out the sandwich]
Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.
[a saw is held up to the pig. It squeals in terror]
Homer Simpson: [gasps] What? You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!
[the pig runs across to Homer, giving him a forlorn look. To the tune of 'Happy Together', Homer briefly imagines himself and the pig dancing in a field. He picks up the pig]
Homer Simpson: You're coming home with me.

---

"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Busted (#1.12)" (1990)

Krusty the Clown: Hand over all your money in a paper bag!
Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.

Krusty the Clown: Hey, kids. Who do you love?
Kids: Krusty.
Krusty the Clown: How much do you love me?
Kids: With all our hearts.
Krusty the Clown: What would you do if I went off the air?
Kids: We'd kill ourselves.

Judge: Krusty the Clown, how do you plead?
Krusty the Clown: I plead guilty, Your Honor.
[Sensation. Krusty's lawyer hurriedly whispers in his ear]
Krusty the Clown: I mean, not guilty. Opening night jitters, Your Honor.

Judge: Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself?
Krusty the Clown: [distraught] Is it a crime to be illiterate?
Prosecutor: All right, all right. See this, Krusty?
[holds up an evidence label with a "B" on it]
Prosecutor: This is a "B." And this is exhibit B.
[holds up betting slips]
Prosecutor: Betting slips - obtained by this court indicating that you have lost substantial sums of money on sports gambling.
Krusty the Clown: [nearly crying] Is it a crime to bet on sporting events?
Prosecutor: Yes, it is!
Krusty the Clown: [sheepishly] Oh.

[Homer and Apu laugh at the name he calls his sisters-in-law. He tuns around to leave unaware that Krusty was behind him the whole time and steps on his foot incased clown shoe]
Krusty the Clown: OW, MY FOOT, YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!
Homer Simpson: Sorry Pal.
[Then he notices that Krusty is armed, screams in terror as he dives behind the chip stand to witness him robbing Apu at gun point]

---

"The Simpsons: I Love Lisa (#4.15)" (1993)

Krusty the Klown: Is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
Ralph Wiggum: Yes, she is. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up I'm going to marry her.
Lisa: [erupting] Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Now you listen to me! I don't like you, I never liked you, and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!

Krusty the Klown: Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel, whacked out on wowie sauce!
Sideshow Mel: [drunk] Everyone's always kissing your ass! Well, I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a...
[beep]

Krusty the Klown: Ah, let's look at some clips...
[black-and-white segment showing Robert Frost reading "Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening."]
Robert Frost: "He will not see me stopping here, to watch his woods fill up with snow...”
Krusty the Klown: Hey, Frosty! You want some snow, man?
[He pulls a bellrope, and an avalanche of fake snow is dumped on Frost]
Robert Frost: [same meter] We discussed this, and I said "no."

Krusty the Clown: Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary show! Featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on "wowie sauce"!
Sideshow Mel: [drunk] Everyone's always kissing your ass! Well, I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a
[beep]

---

"The Simpsons: All About Lisa (#19.20)" (2008)

Krusty the Clown: A famous entertainer once said that ninety percent of success is showing up on time. Sorry I'm four hours late.

Krusty the Clown: I have pastrami on my teeth, and that's everyone's problem.

Krusty the Clown: The new Krustketeer is... what was your kid's name again?
Nelson's Mother: Nelson Muntz!
Krusty the Clown: Wilbur Mudd!
Nelson Muntz: That's me! Here's Mudd in your eye!
[Hits kid in eye]

---

"The Simpsons: Yokel Chords (#18.14)" (2007)

Krusty the Klown: I brought the greatest American composer... this guy. What's your name?
Stephen Sondheim: Stephen Sondheim. I know you hear that a lot, but I think you're great.
Krusty the Klown: Well, I bet you hear this a lot: You cost me an arm and a leg, so get to work!
Stephen Sondheim: Here's the opening number.
Krusty the Klown: Aha... Complex harmonies... Sophisticated lyrics... Pithy observations on everyday life... What is this crap! Where's the zazz? Why don't you do what you did on Cats?
Stephen Sondheim: I didn't write Cats.
Krusty the Klown: Oh, no! All right, I think we can save this.

Kid: Hey, you're one of those funny guys on the TV with the big nose.
Krusty the Klown: That's right.
Kid: You're a Je...
Krusty the Klown: Joker! That's right. And I'm not a practicing joker, so I'm not offended.

---

"The Simpsons: Brother from the Same Planet (#4.14)" (1993)

Krusty the Clown: [on TV] Hello, New York!
[applause]
Krusty the Clown: When Lorne asked me to host this show, I said "Lorne, why me?".
[laughs]
Krusty the Clown: I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler and Tova Borgnine.
[silence]
Krusty the Clown: [trying to liven up the audience] Yeah!
[the audience stares blankly at Krusty]
Krusty the Clown: Anyway, we got a great show for you. Well, actually, the last half-hour is a real garbage dump. Uh... We'll be right back.
[intro music plays, followed by a commercial]

TV Announcer: And now it's time for another episode of The Big Ear Family
Krusty the Clown: [playing a character with huge ears] Honey, I'm home! Ooh, I got wax in my ears. Better clean them.
Krusty the Clown: [to the audience] Huh? Huh?
[the audience are silent except for a man coughing]
Krusty the Clown: Ugh, this goes on for 12 more minutes.

---

"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)

Krusty the Clown: Hey yutz. Guns aren't toys - - they're for family protection, hunting dangerous and delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out your face.

Homer: [the soccer game has bored everyone to silence] Boring!
Krusty the Clown: Come on, you shnorers! Do something!
Kent Brockman: [bored] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it.
[sighs]
Kent Brockman: Holds it.
Foreign-accented sports commentator: [excited] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds It!

---

"The Simpsons: Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-Annoyed-Grunt-cious (#8.13)" (1997)

TV Announcer: It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic.
Krusty the Clown: Hey! Hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo theater and...
[notices a big sign behind him]
Krusty the Clown: "KKK"? That's not good.
[laughs nervously, then people from the audience start shouting, throwing food and glass bottles]

Krusty the Clown: Now, I'd like to introduce a new feature never before seen on TV. Dumb Pet Tricks.
[points to a dog on the floor, laughs nervously]
Krusty the Clown: Oh, boy. Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball.
[throws the red ball behind him but the dog grabs hold of his red nose]
Krusty the Clown: AH! OW! Somebody shoot it! Somebody shoot it!

---

"The Simpsons: Like Father, Like Clown (#3.6)" (1991)

Krusty the Clown: Papa, when I grow up, can I be a clown?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: No, a clown is not a respected member of the community.
Krusty the Clown: But I want to make people laugh.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Herschel, life is not fun. Life is serious. Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying. Pie is for noshing, not for throwing.
Krusty the Clown: But Papa...
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: But nothing! You'll do as I say, or you'll get such a zetz that you won't even know what hit you!

Krusty: My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's fath... well, you get the idea.

---

"The Simpsons: Kamp Krusty (#4.1)" (1992)

Krusty the Clown: Get ready for two weeks at the happiest place on earth... Tijuana!

Krusty the Clown: Kamp Krusty is built on an ancient Indian burial ground. We've got archery, wallet-making, the whole megillah! And for all you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results!

---

"The Simpsons: Lisa's First Word (#4.10)" (1992)

Accountant: [Krusty finishes filming a commercial for his 1984 Krusty Burger Olympic Contest] Great spot, K.C!
Krusty the Clown: Put a sock in it, Preppy! How much are these free burgers gonna cost me?
Accountant: Not to worry, Mr. K, we rigged the cards. They're all events the Communists never lose!
Krusty the Clown: I like, I like!
Assistant: [handing Krusty a piece of paper] This just came over the wires, Big K!
Krusty the Clown: [reading] Uh-huh... Soviet boycott... U.S. unopposed in most events... how does this affect our giveaway?
Accountant: [puches up the numbers on his calculator] You personally stand to lose $44 million.
Krusty the Clown: [cries loudly] Oy!

Krusty the Clown: [on TV, smoking and crying] You people are pigs! I, personally, am going to spit in every fiftieth burger!
Homer: [watching] I like those odds.

---

"The Simpsons: Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington (#14.14)" (2003)

Krusty the Clown: Uh, just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up any youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous?
Krusty the Clown: A Russian hooker. You tell me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission.
Krusty the Clown: I did find out one fact. She was a guy.

Marge Simpson: Krusty! We came to see how many campaign promises you've kept.
Krusty the Clown: Uh, let's see...did I promise to be a slave to big oil?
Marge Simpson: No.
Krusty the Clown: Well, then none.

---

"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)

Roger Myers Jr.: Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached?
Krusty: Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment... HEY, SHUT UP! You're here 'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings!
[points to a ratings chart]
Krusty: Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show!
Roger Myers Jr.: What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?
Krusty: See, that what I thought at first, but then... HEY, SHUT UP! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!
Roger Myers Jr.: But Itchy & Scratchy is critically acclaimed.
Krusty: ACCLAIMED? PAH! I ought to replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon where robots turn into blingwads! But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger. So I'm gonna give you one more chance. Now get out! Don't come back till you've fixed Itchy & Scratchy.
[Roger Myers Jr. slams the door so hard it breaks off, showing Sideshow Mel in the waiting room]
Krusty's Secreatary: [off-screen] Okay, Mel, you can go in now.
Sideshow Mel: [walks into Krusty's office] Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'n' Roll Museum, and...
[Krusty still has an angry face from his argument with Roger Myers Jr]
Sideshow Mel: I'll come back later.

---

"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)

Krusty: Nice work, Brockman. There are only two rules in television: Don't swear and don't whip it out. It's not rocket science!

---

"The Simpsons: Homer the Heretic (#4.3)" (1992)

[doorbell rings; Homer answers the door to Krusty]
Krusty the Clown: Hello, I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of seventy-five Jewish clowns. The worst incident was outside our convention in Lubbock, Texas.
[choking up]
Krusty the Clown: There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere!
[sobs]
Krusty the Clown: It was terrible...!
Homer: Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing?
Krusty the Clown: A religious clown thing, yes.
Homer: Sorry.
Krusty the Clown: Well, bless you anyw...
[Homer shuts the door on him]

---

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)

Krusty the Clown: Next thing you know you're some schmuck working in a box factory.
Box Factory Worker: I heard that.

---

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 2 (#7.1)" (1995)

Sideshow Mel: I am Melvin Van Horn. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky.
Krusty the Clown: Hey-hey.
Sideshow Mel: Officers, you have arrested an innocent man!
Chief Wiggum: Really? Ah, jeez.
[Opens cell door]
Chief Wiggum: All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain.
Dr. Colossus: But all my stuff is there.

---

"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Krust (#9.15)" (1998)

Bart Simpson: Oh, P-U, what where you drinking, gasoline?
Krusty the Clown: Yes, I was drinking gasoline, MOTHER!

---

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IX (#10.4)" (1998)

Krusty the Clown: [dressed as a vampire] Hey, hey.
[reads cue card]
Krusty the Clown: Tonight I'm going to suck!
[next cue card]
Krusty the Clown: Your blood.

---

The Simpsons Ride (2008)

Krusty the Clown: Well, that's our ride.
[''He sees a red button'']
Krusty the Clown: Hey, what does this do?
[''Krusty pushes the button, and the ride vehicle vibrates'']
Krusty the Clown: A-Ha Ha! A-Ha Ha!

---

"The Simpsons: Coming to Homerica (#20.21)" (2009)

Krusty's Agent: It turns out the Krustyburger is the most unhealthy fast food item ever.
Krusty the Clown: Even worse than the Double Krustyburger?
Krusty's Agent: Apparently, yes.

---

"The Simpsons: Day of the Jackanapes (#12.13)" (2001)

[Mr. Teeney has just foiled Sideshow Bob's plan to kill Krusty and blew up a room]
Krusty the Clown: Was there anyone in there?
Sideshow Mel: Just some network executives.
[the blown-apart parts of the executives turn to liquid metal and reform into a T2-style mix of Lindsey Naegle and Jim the Executive]
Lindsey Naegle, Jim the Executive: We have notes. Have you thought about Dave Chappelle? Destroy!

---

"The Simpsons: The Trouble with Trillions (#9.20)" (1998)

Kent Brockman: Sir, uh, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes?
Krusty the Clown: Because I'm an idiot! Happy?
Kent Brockman: [back to the camera] Of course not everyone is an idiot.

---

"The Simpsons: Grade School Confidential (#8.19)" (1997)

Maude Flanders: They were having S-E-X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.
Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down.

---

"The Simpsons: A Tale of Two Springfields (#12.2)" (2000)

Krusty: I opened for The Who at Woodstock. I came out with a Beatle wig and a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact words.
Sideshow Mel: [sarcastically] I never tire of THAT story.

---