Krusty the Clown
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Quotes for
Krusty the Clown (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: Homie the Clown (#6.15)" (1995)
Krusty the Clown: Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette... unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill.

Krusty the Clown: See you tomorrow, kids. But before I go, I'd just like to say...
[bicycle bell rings from inside his mouth]

Krusty's Assistant: George Carlin on line.
Krusty the Clown: Yeah? Lawsuit? Oh, come on. My "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit was entirely different from your "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit. So I'm a thief, am I? Well, EXCUUUUUUUUSE MEEEEEE!
[hangs up]
Krusty the Clown: Give him ten grand.
Krusty's Assistant: Steve Martin on four.
Krusty the Clown: Ten grand.

Krusty the Clown: Tell me where you're from.
Clown Student 1#: Georgia.
Clown Student 2#: Texas.
Clown Student 3#: Uh... Brooklyn.
Clown Student 4#: Russia.
Clown Student 5#: New Hampshire.
Homer: Homer.

Plastic Surgeon: Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed at the total stranger staring back at you.
Krusty the Clown: [looks at the mirror] AAAAAAAAHHH! I LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME, YOU MORON!
Plastic Surgeon: Oh, nonsense, Krusty. You look at least 10 years younger. Plus I did your breasts.
Krusty the Clown: Does anybody hear me complaining about the breasts?

Krusty's Accountant: Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it *against* the Harlem Globetrotters?
Krusty the Clown: [miserable] Oh, I thought the Generals were due!
[watches the game on TV]
Krusty the Clown: He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! Take it!
[the Globetrotters score]
Krusty the Clown: That game was fixed! They were using a freakin' ladder, for God's sake!

Krusty the Clown: Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong!
[throws pie into dowager's face; her head cracks the wall]
Homer: [taking notes] Kill, Wealthy, Dowager.

Krusty's Accountant: Krusty as your accountant, I must warn you...
Krusty the Clown: Did you send those thousand roses to Bea Arthur's grave?
Krusty's Accountant: Yes, but as I told you, she's still...
Krusty the Clown: I don't want to hear the end of any sentences!

[last lines]
Krusty the Clown: So, we're even now, right?
Don Vittorio Di Maggio: No, we just-a won't kill you. But, you still owe use the money...
[dramatic pause]
Don Vittorio Di Maggio: $48!
Krusty the Clown: Here's 50.
Don Vittorio Di Maggio: And two your change. And-a we thank-a you.

Fat Tony: Krusty, in regard to the large wager you placed on yesterday's horse race...
Krusty the Clown: [laughing nervously] Uh, hey, how about letting me go double or nothing on the big opera tonight?
Fat Tony: Who do you like?
Krusty the Clown: The tenor.
Fat Tony: [after a pause] Okay. But we're only letting the bet ride because you crack us, so consistently, up.

"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Krusty (#9.15)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: Oh, P-U, what where you drinking, gasoline?
Krusty the Clown: Yes, I was drinking gasoline, MOTHER!

Krusty the Clown: Comedy isn't funny anymore... You've got some big chinned slob reading typos from the Palookaville Post! Well, here's a headline for ya. Nobody cares!

Krusty the Clown: Me so solly!

Sideshow Mel: [to Krusty] They say any publicity is good publicity.
Krusty the Clown: You, sir, are an idiot.
[Mr. Teeny makes chittering noises]
Krusty the Clown: Aw, that's your answer to everything! Look at my life. I'm talking to a monkey and a... I don't know what the hell you are.
Sideshow Mel: You can be so cruel when you're sober.

Krusty the Clown: [When Bart and Jay Leno are giving Krusty a bath and washing his hair] Jay, you're a professional comedian, right? Right? Answer me!
Jay Leno: Yes! Now stop squirming. I'm trying to get these tangles out.
Bart: They are just impossible.
[Jay Leno gives him a look]
Bart: Well, they are.

Bart Simpson: [to Jay Leno] Anyway, don't you have some advice for Krusty?
Jay Leno: Well, these days, people like observational humor about things they deal with in everyday life.
Krusty the Clown: Oh, yeah. You mean like when your lazy butler washes your sock garters and they're still covered with schmutz?
Jay Leno: Well, kind of, but more universal. And maybe lose the "me so solly" bit.
Bart Simpson: Hey, whoa, whoa. Let's not tamper with a classic.
Krusty the Clown: Shut up, kid. Come on, Leno. Tamper, teach, impart.

Reporter: [When Krusty announces his retirement from show business] But, Krusty, why now? Why not 20 years ago?
Krusty the Clown: 'Cause comedy ain't funny anymore. Instead of time-tested jokes about women drivers and doctor bills, you got some big-chin schlub reading typos from the Palookaville Post. Well, here's a headline for you: "Nobody cares."
[Everyone laughs]
Jay Leno: Hey, I washed your hair.

"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Kancelled (#4.22)" (1993)
[Krusty is trying to talk Sideshow Mel into quitting his job a fast-food joint]
Krusty the Clown: But you gotta come back, Mel! We're a team!
Sideshow Mel: No, Krusty, you always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants, and cracked my buttocks with a hammer!
Krusty the Clown: Ah, come on. You wanna spend your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, Mister. Whoops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow-w-w! Ow-w-w!
Sideshow Mel: Sorry Krusty, I like it here. Mr. Johansen treats me with dignity.
Mr Johannson: Is this clown bothering you, Mel?
Sideshow Mel: It's all right, Mr. Johansen, I'll handle it.
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, sir.
Krusty the Clown: I don't want it!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.

[the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing on Krusty's show]
Krusty the Clown: Now, boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Do you mind changing them for the show?
Anthony Kiedis: Forget you, clown.
Chad Smith: Yeah, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way.
Krusty the Clown: Well, okay, but here where it says, "What I got you gotta get and put it in ya," how about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss ya."
Flea: Wow. That's much better.
Arik Marshall: Everyone can enjoy that.

Krusty the Clown: If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.

Krusty the Clown: Hey that dummy can't hurt you! He's not even alive, he's dead!

Krusty the Clown: I don't how to thank you kids.
Bart: That's okay, Krusty.
Lisa Simpson: We're getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.
Krusty the Clown: WHAT? That's the sweetest plum! You little...!
[calms down]
Krusty the Clown: Ah, what the hell, you deserve it. Thanks, kids.

Krusty the Clown: Now, Johnny, what you got for us? Some jokes? A little magic?
Johnny Carson: Actually, I thought I'd lift this 1987 Buick Skylark over my head.
[does so]
Krusty the Clown: Hi-yo! Johnny, that's amazing!
Johnny Carson: Oh, yeah? Get a load of this.
[He juggles the car over his head, while singing opera]

Krusty the Clown: Here's a feature never before seen on TV - dumb pet tricks. Catch the rubber ball, Fifi.
[the dog goes for Krusty's nose]

"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Busted (#1.12)" (1990)
Krusty the Clown: Hand over all your money in a paper bag!
Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.

Krusty the Clown: Hey, kids. Who do you love?
Kids: Krusty.
Krusty the Clown: How much do you love me?
Kids: With all our hearts.
Krusty the Clown: What would you do if I went off the air?
Kids: We'd kill ourselves.

Judge Snyder: Krusty the Clown, how do you plead?
Krusty the Clown: I plead guilty, Your Honor.
[Sensation. Krusty's lawyer hurriedly whispers in his ear]
Krusty the Clown: I mean, not guilty. Opening night jitters, Your Honor.

Judge Snyder: Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself?
Krusty the Clown: [distraught] Is it a crime to be illiterate?
Attorney: All right, all right. See this, Krusty?
[holds up an evidence label with a "B" on it]
Attorney: This is a "B." And this is exhibit B.
[holds up betting slips]
Attorney: Betting slips - obtained by this court indicating that you have lost substantial sums of money on sports gambling.
Krusty the Clown: [nearly crying] Is it a crime to bet on sporting events?
Attorney: Yes, it is!
Krusty the Clown: [sheepishly] Oh.

[Homer and Apu laugh at the name he calls his sisters-in-law. He tuns around to leave unaware that Krusty was behind him the whole time and steps on his foot incased clown shoe]
Krusty the Clown: OW, MY FOOT, YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!
Homer Simpson: Sorry Pal.
[Then he notices that Krusty is armed, screams in terror as he dives behind the chip stand to witness him robbing Apu at gun point]

Kent Brockman: From his humble beginnings as a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi, Krusty climbed to the top of a personal mini-empire, with dozens of endorsements, including his own line of pork products. This may have led to one of television's best-loved bloopers: Krusty's near-fatal on-air heart attack in 1986.
[clip plays]
Krusty the Clown: Wasn't that a great Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids? Well, we've got another one coming right up. But first! I've got a hankerin' for some pork products! Mmmm... Look! Plump, succulent sausage. Honey-smoked bacon. And glistening, sizzling...
[Krusty gasps and moans, and slowly collapses, clutching his chest. All the children in the audience laugh]
Krusty the Clown: Gah! I'm dying... I'm dying...
Kent Brockman: [chuckles]

The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Krusty the Clown: If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!

Russ Cargill: Springfield has become...
Man: Woooo! Springfield!
Russ Cargill: ...the most polluted city in the history of the planet.
Krusty the Clown: Drama queen!

Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut. Print. Kill the pig.
Homer Simpson: What... you can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!

Lisa Simpson: Our crisis level will be here.
Lenny: That's not so bad.
Lisa Simpson: No, this forklift is messed up.
[the forklift goes crazy until it is back to normal]
Lisa Simpson: Am I getting through to anyone?
Krusty the Clown: Hell yeah, we need a new one of those things!

[Homer and Bart are at a table. We see an interior shot of Homer's mouth as he eats. Bart is angry]
Homer Simpson: Hey, what's with you?
Bart Simpson: You really wanna know?
Homer Simpson: Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about
[sees something]
Homer Simpson: a pig wearing a hat!
[Krusty the Clown is filming a commercial]
Director: Action!
Krusty the Clown: Hey hey! It's your old pal Krusty for my new pork sandwich, the clogger! If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!
[He laughs and then takes a bite of the sandwich]
Krusty the Clown: Mmm!
Director: And... we're clear.
[Krusty spits out the sandwich]
Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.
[a saw is held up to the pig. It squeals in terror]
Homer Simpson: [gasps] What? You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!
[the pig runs across to Homer, giving him a forlorn look. To the tune of 'Happy Together', Homer briefly imagines himself and the pig dancing in a field. He picks up the pig]
Homer Simpson: You're coming home with me.

"The Simpsons: Bart the Fink (#7.15)" (1996)
[Krusty faces imprisonment after being revealed as a tax fraud]
Krusty the Clown: I can't go to jail. I got a swanky lifestyle. I'm used to the best.
IRS Agent 1#: Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your salary.
Krusty the Clown: You're going to *garnish* my *celery*?
IRS Agent 1#: Please, Krusty, no jokes.
Krusty the Clown: Who's joking? Oh, I don't understand what you're saying, it all sounds so crazy to me.

Krusty the Clown: [upset about being ruined, to Bart] I was a big cheese, I was a huge cheese! But now look at me- I gotta ride the bus like a schnook, I gotta live in an apartment like an *idiot*!
[starts shouting]
Krusty the Clown: I gotta wait in line with nobodies
[voice gets louder]
Krusty the Clown: to buy groceries
[voice gets louder again]
Krusty the Clown: from a failure!
Bart Simpson: Well if it'll make you feel better, you could punch me in the face.
Krusty the Clown: [prepares to punch Bart, stops] Nah, forget it. Go home, kid.
[Bart leaves, Krusty looks down in depression]

Krusty the Clown: The faithful people at the Global Positioning System, is all the companionship I need...
[taps the GPS box, which delivers a healthy electric shock]
Krusty the Clown: AAAARGH!
[hurling the box over the side of the boat]
Krusty the Clown: Tell me where you are now you bastard!

Krusty the Clown: No offense kid, but your mom's a big dingbat.

Bart Simpson: Are you Rory B. Bellows?
Krusty the Clown: Yes.
Bart Simpson: How about Krusty the Clown?
Krusty the Clown: Sorry, I don't do impressions.
Bart Simpson: Well if you're not Krusty, how come you have the exact same signature as him?
Krusty the Clown: I'm Rory Bellows, I tell ya! And I got a lot of corroborating evidence over here... by the throttle!
[Krusty throws the throttle only to find out the boat is tied to to the dock]
Krusty the Clown: You know you two could've said something 'stead of me making an ass of myself.

"The Simpsons: Kamp Krusty (#4.1)" (1992)
Krusty the Clown: Get ready for two weeks at the happiest place on earth... Tijuana!

Krusty the Clown: Kamp Krusty is built on an ancient Indian burial ground. We've got archery, wallet-making, the whole megillah! And for all you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results!

Bart: This camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel, forced us to make wallets for export and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!
Krusty the Clown: Oh, my god!
Bart: Actually, the bear just ate his hat.
Krusty the Clown: Was it a nice hat?
Bart: Oh yeah.
Krusty the Clown: Oh, my god!

Bart: How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.
Krusty the Clown: [loud sobbing] Oh! They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone!

Krusty the Clown: I'm no fake! I'm the real Krusty!
Lisa: Oh, yeah? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom "President Clown"?
Krusty the Clown: I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.

"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Krusty the Clown: Hey yutz. Guns aren't toys - - they're for family protection, hunting dangerous and delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out your face.

Homer: [the soccer game has bored everyone to silence] Boring!
Krusty the Clown: Come on, you shnorers! Do something!
Kent Brockman: [bored] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it.
Kent Brockman: Holds it.
Foreign-accented sports commentator: [excited] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds It!

Agnes Skinner: [Homer turns the TV on by shooting his gun at it] I've never seen such recklessness!
Louie: You mighta hurt someone!
Cletus: Are you some kind of moron?
Homer: Yeah, but...
Krusty: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.

Homer: [the Mexican soccer team has the first possession of the ball and is cautiously kicking the ball around, setting up for a goal as the Portugal team stands there, awaiting the play to develop. The crowd quickly grows bored]
Homer: Boring!
Krusty: Come on, you schnorers, do something!
Kent Brockman: [sounding bored as he calls the actions] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it.
[rolls eyes]
Kent Brockman: Holds it...
Foreign-accented sports commentator: [excitedly] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!
Sideshow Mel: I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving!
Moe: Yeah, not before me you ain't.
Ned Flanders: Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone!
Moe: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal!
[puts Flanders into a headlock]
Principal Skinner: Hey, now, that's uncalled for.
Lenny: Shut your hole, Skinner!
[punches Skinner in the stomach which causes him to fall down the stairs]

"The Simpsons: I Love Lisa (#4.15)" (1993)
Krusty the Klown: Is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
Ralph Wiggum: Yes, she is. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up I'm going to marry her.
Lisa: [erupting] Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Now you listen to me! I don't like you, I never liked you, and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!

Krusty the Klown: Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel, whacked out on wowie sauce!
Sideshow Mel: [drunk] Everyone's always kissing your ass! Well, I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a...

Krusty the Klown: Ah, let's look at some clips...
[black-and-white segment showing Robert Frost reading "Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening."]
Robert Frost: "He will not see me stopping here, to watch his woods fill up with snow..."
Krusty the Klown: Hey, Frosty! You want some snow, man?
[He pulls a bellrope, and an avalanche of fake snow is dumped on Frost]
Robert Frost: [same meter] We discussed this, and I said "no."

Krusty the Clown: Talk to the audience? Oh, this part is always death.

"The Simpsons: Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington (#14.14)" (2003)
Krusty the Clown: Uh, just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up any youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous?
Krusty the Clown: A Russian hooker. You tell me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission.
Krusty the Clown: I did find out one fact. She was a guy.

Marge Simpson: Krusty! We came to see how many campaign promises you've kept.
Krusty the Clown: Uh, let's see... did I promise to be a slave to big oil?
Marge Simpson: No.
Krusty the Clown: Well, then none.

Krusty the Clown: Uh, just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up any youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous?
Krusty the Clown: A Russian hooker, you tell me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission.
Krusty the Clown: I did find out one fact. She was a guy.

Krusty the Clown: Look at this list of words they wont let me say on the air.
Bart Simpson: Oh, all the good ones. Hmm, I never even heard of number nine.
Krusty the Clown: It's doing thirteen while she's elevening your five.

"The Simpsons: All About Lisa (#19.20)" (2008)
Krusty the Clown: A famous entertainer once said that ninety percent of success is showing up on time. Sorry I'm four hours late.

Krusty the Clown: I have pastrami on my teeth, and that's everyone's problem.

Krusty the Clown: The new Krustketeer is... what was your kid's name again?
Nelson's Mother: Nelson Muntz!
Krusty the Clown: Wilbur Mudd!
Nelson Muntz: That's me! Here's Mudd in your eye!
[Hits kid in eye]

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIX (#20.4)" (2008)
Krusty The Klown: Perform for the troops? Why should I? What have they ever done for me?

Krusty The Klown: Hey, hey, kids! You're old pal Krusty is going to teach you five new words: unlicensed use of my image.

Homer Simpson: Before you kill me, I have to know, what is the one true religion?
Krusty The Klown: It's a mixture of voodoo and Methodist.

"The Simpsons: Yokel Chords (#18.14)" (2007)
Krusty the Klown: I brought the greatest American composer... this guy. What's your name?
Stephen Sondheim: Stephen Sondheim. I know you hear this all the time, but I think you're great.
Krusty the Klown: Well, I bet you hear this a lot: You cost me an arm and a leg, so get to work!
Stephen Sondheim: Here's the opening number.
Krusty the Klown: Aha... Complex harmonies... Sophisticated lyrics... Pithy observations on everyday life... What is this crap! Where's the zazz? Why don't you do what you did on Cats?
Stephen Sondheim: I didn't write Cats.
Krusty the Klown: Oh, no! All right, I think we can save this.

Kid: Hey, you're one of those funny guys on the TV with the big nose.
Krusty the Klown: A clown?
Kid: No, a Je...
Krusty the Klown: Joker! That's right. And I'm not a practicing joker, so I'm not offended.

Krusty the Klown: Let's try this. Break into a peppy vamp.
Stephen Sondheim: Good, and I can counterpoint it with...
Krusty the Klown: No counterpoint! Vamp! Peppy!
Stephen Sondheim: [Starts playing] Hey, this peppy stuff is not bad. Maybe I could do that jingle for Bosco.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)
Krusty the Clown: Next thing you know you're some schmuck working in a box factory.
Box Factory Manager: I heard that.

Krusty's fan: [Krusty is sitting on a stool smoking outside the Monstro Mart when a little girl walks up] Will you sign my picture, Krusty?
Krusty the Clown: Sure kid. Over there.
[Krusty points to a long line of kids waiting to have they're pictures autographed by Krusty, but it's Bart doing the signing who groans]
Krusty's fan: I love you Krusty.
Krusty the Clown: [pointing somewhere offscreen] Over there.

The Simpsons Ride (2008)
Krusty the Clown: Well, that's our ride.
[''He sees a red button'']
Krusty the Clown: Hey, what does this do?
[''Krusty pushes the button, and the ride vehicle vibrates'']
Krusty the Clown: A-Ha Ha! A-Ha Ha!

Krusty the Clown: Hey, hey! Good news, the line's almost over! Only 45 more minutes! Just kidding, I don't know how long it is.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's First Word (#4.10)" (1992)
Krusty the Clown: [on TV, smoking and crying] You people are pigs! I, personally, am going to spit in every fiftieth burger!
Homer: [watching] I like those odds.

Krusty the Clown: Krustyburger is the meat flavored sandwhich of the 1984 Olympics. Just scratch the game space on your card and if the US wins a gold medal you get a free Krustyburger... Mmm mmm mmm!
[Director yells "CUT"]
Krusty the Clown: BLECH! Oh I almost swallowed some of the juice.
[Produces a flask and rinses his mouth and spits]
Krusty the Clown: Ugh, I'll be tasting that for weeks.
Krusty's Accountant: Great spot, K.C.!
Krusty the Clown: Put a sock in it, preppy! How much are these free burgers going to cost me?
Krusty's Accountant: Not to worry, Mr. K. We rigged the cards. They're all in events the communists never lose.
Krusty the Clown: I like, I like!
Krusty's Asistant: This just came over the wires, Big K!
Krusty the Clown: [reading] Soviet boycott... U.S. unopposed in most events... how does this affect our giveaway?
Krusty's Accountant: Let's see...
[punches up the numbers]
Krusty's Accountant: You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars.
Krusty the Clown: [cries loudly] Oy!

"The Simpsons: Pranks and Greens (#21.6)" (2009)
Krusty: As my newest personal assistant, it's your job to drive me to work and avoid anyone I've wronged on the way. There's one now! Former writing partner! Ex-wife! Dog I abandoned! Bookie! AA sponsor!

Krusty: Kid, what are you doing? You're ruining the bit!
Bart Simpson: No! I will not let you become a bitter, twisted monster like Principal Skinner.
Principal Skinner: [Watching on TV] Watch the Krusty Show, they tell me. It'll help you relax, they tell me.

"The Simpsons: Brother from Another Series (#8.16)" (1997)
Krusty the Klown: Free comedy tip, slick: the pie gag's only funny when the sap's got dignity - like that guy! Hey Hal, pie job for Lord Autumnbottom, there!

Krusty the Klown: [spotting Sideshow Bob at his prison concert] What have you been doing with yourself, Bob?
Sideshow Bob: Well, Krusty, as you may remember, after I tried to frame you for armed robbery, I tried to murder Selma Bouvier. Let's see... I rigged the mayoral elections, I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you.
Krusty the Klown: [nervous laugh] Oh, yeah.
Sideshow Bob: And, whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder Bart Simpson.
Bart: [watching on television] Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
[Bart runs out of the room in terror]
Homer: [calling after Bart] He said "tried"!

"The Simpsons: I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (#19.4)" (2007)
Dr. Hibbert: Krusty, I haven't seen you since that terrifying day.
Krusty the Clown: You'll have to be way more specific.
Dr. Hibbert: We were hostages in the bank.
Krusty the Clown: Oh, yeah. Sorry I offered your life for my safety.

Dr. Hibbert: He'll be fine. Not you and me fine, but fine.
Krusty the Clown: Hey! Leave the comedy to the comedians.
Dr. Hibbert: All right, funny man. Make me laugh.
Krusty the Clown: [looking at index cards] What if instead, he were run over by a zamboni?
Dr. Hibbert: I don't see how.
Krusty the Clown: Then I've got nothing.

"The Simpsons: Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-Annoyed-Grunt-cious (#8.13)" (1997)
TV Announcer: It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic.
Krusty the Clown: Hey! Hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo theater and...
[notices a big sign behind him]
Krusty the Clown: "KKK"? That's not good.
[laughs nervously, then people from the audience start shouting, throwing food and glass bottles]

Krusty the Clown: Now, I'd like to introduce a new feature never before seen on TV. Dumb Pet Tricks.
[points to a dog on the floor, laughs nervously]
Krusty the Clown: Oh, boy. Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball.
[throws the red ball behind him but the dog grabs hold of his red nose]
Krusty the Clown: AH! OW! Somebody shoot it! Somebody shoot it!

"The Simpsons: Like Father, Like Clown (#3.6)" (1991)
Krusty the Clown: Papa, when I grow up, can I be a clown?
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: No, a clown is not a respected member of the community.
Krusty the Clown: But I want to make people laugh.
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: Herschel, life is not fun. Life is serious. Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying. Pie is for noshing, not for throwing.
Krusty the Clown: But Papa...
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski: But nothing! You'll do as I say, or you'll get such a zetz that you won't even know what hit you!

Krusty: My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's fath... well, you get the idea.

"The Simpsons: Once Upon a Time in Springfield (#21.10)" (2010)
Krusty: I'd rather be a happy schnook than a noble schlumph.

Krusty: If my writers knew how to appeal to girls, they wouldn't be writers.

"The Simpsons: Brother from the Same Planet (#4.14)" (1993)
Krusty the Clown: [on TV] Hello, New York!
Krusty the Clown: When Lorne asked me to host this show, I said "Lorne, why me?".
Krusty the Clown: I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler and Tova Borgnine.
Krusty the Clown: [trying to liven up the audience] Yeah!
[the audience stares blankly at Krusty]
Krusty the Clown: Anyway, we got a great show for you. Well, actually, the last half-hour is a real garbage dump. Uh... We'll be right back.
[intro music plays, followed by a commercial]

TV Announcer: And now it's time for another episode of The Big Ear Family
Krusty the Clown: [playing a character with huge ears] Honey, I'm home! Ooh, I got wax in my ears. Better clean them.
Krusty the Clown: [to the audience] Huh? Huh?
[the audience are silent except for a man coughing]
Krusty the Clown: Ugh, this goes on for 12 more minutes.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#7.1)" (1995)
Sideshow Mel: I am Melvin Van Horn. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky.
Krusty the Clown: Hey-hey.
Sideshow Mel: Officers, you have arrested an innocent man!
Chief Wiggum: Really? Ah, jeez.
[Opens cell door]
Chief Wiggum: All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain.
Dr. Colossus: But all my stuff is there.

[Smithers's memory clears, and he realizes he shot Jasper, not Mr. Burns]
Smithers: So, instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man... that's much worse!
Krusty the Clown: About fifty thousand volts worse, if you know what I mean!
[imitates the sounds of an electric chair and sizzling flesh]

"The Simpsons: Clown in the Dumps (#26.1)" (2014)
Krusty the Clown: I'm a sad, tragic clown, like what's-his-name... Liberace.

Krusty the Clown: [Watching an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon] Oh, my God! Who's responsible for this monstrosity?
[an "Executive Produced by Krusty the Clown" title appears]
Krusty the Clown: [On video] I did everything!

"The Simpsons: Brick Like Me (#25.20)" (2014)
Krusty the Clown: I'm a clown, I can't afford to look ridiculous.

"The Simpsons: Moe Letter Blues (#21.21)" (2010)
Krusty: Kids, this Mother's Day, why don't you give your mother what she really wants?: a break from you!

"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Roger Myers Jr.: Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached?
Krusty: Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment... HEY, SHUT UP! You're here 'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings!
[points to a ratings chart]
Krusty: Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show!
Roger Myers Jr.: What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?
Krusty: See, that what I thought at first, but then... HEY, SHUT UP! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!
Roger Myers Jr.: But Itchy & Scratchy is critically acclaimed.
Krusty: ACCLAIMED? PAH! I ought to replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon where robots turn into blingwads! But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger. So I'm gonna give you one more chance. Now get out! Don't come back till you've fixed Itchy & Scratchy.
[Roger Myers Jr. slams the door so hard it breaks off, showing Sideshow Mel in the waiting room]
Krusty's Secreatary: [off-screen] Okay, Mel, you can go in now.
Sideshow Mel: [walks into Krusty's office] Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'n' Roll Museum, and...
[Krusty still has an angry face from his argument with Roger Myers Jr]
Sideshow Mel: I'll come back later.

"The Simpsons: Yellow Subterfuge (#25.7)" (2013)
Lisa Simpson: Why don't you do what Everybody Loves Raymond did?
Krusty the Clown: Quit while I'm still successful? That horse has left the stall, been made into glue, and used to make art projects.

"The Simpsons: The Day the Violence Died (#7.18)" (1996)
Krusty: Well, Itchy & Scratchy are gone. But here's a cartoon that tried to make learning fun! Sorry about this, kids. But stay tuned! We've got some real good toy commercials coming right up, I swear.
Kid: Hey, who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress?
The Amendment: I'm not garbage.
The Amendment: I'm an Amendment to be, yes an Amendment to be, and I'm hoping that they'll ratify me. There's a lot of flag burners who have got too much freedom. I wanna make it legal for policeman to beat'em, cause there's limits to our liberty, least I hope and prey that there are, 'cause those liberal freaks go too far!
Kid: Why can't we just make a law against flag burning?
The Amendment: Because that law would be unconstitutional. But if we change the Constitution...
Kid: Then we can make all sorts of crazy laws!
The Amendment: Now you're catching on!
Bart Simpson: What the hell is this?
Lisa Simpson: It's one of those campy 70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X-ers.
Bart Simpson: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.
Kid: What if people say you're not good enough to be in the Constitution?
The Amendment: Then I'll crush all opposition to me, and I'll make Ted Kennedy pay, if he fights back, I'll say that he's gay!

"The Simpsons: Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy (#5.14)" (1994)
Krusty the Clown: [while recording talking doll voices] One. Hey hey, kids, I'm talking Krusty. Two. Hey hey, kids. Here comes Slideshow Mel, I mean, Sideshow Mel. Four.
Krusty the Clown: Bada bing, bada boom. I'm done. Learn from the professionals, kid.
Technician: Uh... we're ready to roll, Krusty. Krusty?

"The Simpsons: The Food Wife (#23.5)" (2011)
Krusty: Hey, hey kids!
Krusty: Krustyland has a new ride, the eyeballs of death. It only passed the safety panel by a three to two vote, and that third vote didn't come cheap.

"The Simpsons: Little Girl in the Big Ten (#13.20)" (2002)
[In a Chinese Krusty factory]
Krusty the Clown: Laziness is counter-revolutionary.

"The Simpsons: Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind (#19.9)" (2007)
Krusty the Clown: Quick, I need to forget the last 24 hours. I tried to do a Don Rickles about Arabs, but I ended up doing a Mel Gibson about Mexicans.

"The Simpsons: The Dad Who Knew Too Little (#14.8)" (2003)
Krusty the clown: [as talking Krusty doll] I wonder what mommy's medicine tastes like.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IX (#10.4)" (1998)
Krusty the Clown: [dressed as a vampire] Hey, hey.
[reads cue card]
Krusty the Clown: Tonight I'm going to suck!
[next cue card]
Krusty the Clown: Your blood.

"The Simpsons: Bart of Darkness (#6.1)" (1994)
Krusty: Hope you enjoyed that, kids, 'cause Krusty's out of here for the summer. In the meantime, we'll be running
Krusty: "Klassic Krusty".
[Cut to Krusty episode that first aired on February 6th, 1961]
Krusty: Good evening. Tonight my guest is AFL/CIO chairman George Meany, who will be discussing collective bargaining agreements
George Meaney: It's a pleasure to be here, Krusty
Krusty: Let me be blunt: is there a labor crisis in America today?
George Meaney: Well that depends what you mean by "crisis"...

"The Simpsons: Wedding for Disaster (#20.15)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: So, did you take any breaks yesterday, like, to kidnap our father?
Krusty The Clown: Impossible. He was with me the whole day. We watched the special edition DVD of House Of Sand And Fog, then slept together for warmth, got up, had a little nosh, watched the DVD again with the director's commentary.
Sideshow Bob: The director was an ass.

"The Simpsons: The Trouble with Trillions (#9.20)" (1998)
Kent Brockman: Sir, uh, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes?
Krusty the Clown: Because I'm an idiot! Happy?
Kent Brockman: [back to the camera] Of course not everyone is an idiot.

"The Simpsons: Grade School Confidential (#8.19)" (1997)
Principal Skinner: We're not coming down until you acknowledge and celebrate our love!
Maude Flanders: Excuse me, Edna. I don't think we're talking about love here. We are talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!

"The Simpsons: That '90s Show (#19.11)" (2008)
Krusty the Clown: [after the oxygen bar he's in blows up] Oh, now where will I get my oxygen?

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror II (#3.7)" (1991)
[Krusty does a Halloween show, reading off cue cards]
Krusty the Clown: Tonight I'm going to suck...
[waits for second cue card]
Krusty the Clown: ...your blood.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XX (#21.4)" (2009)
[after being bitten by zombie-Kent Brockman]
Krusty the Clown: Hey! That's my check-cashing arm, you stupid...
[turns into a zombie]

"The Simpsons: Brush with Greatness (#2.18)" (1991)
Krusty the Clown: [on his TV show] So come to Mount Splashmore! I told them you would! Don't make me a liar! Let's all sing the Mount Splashmore song! I wanna go to Mount Splashmore... Take me, take me, take me there right now! Now, now, now, now, now!

"The Simpsons: Donnie Fatso (#22.9)" (2010)
Krusty the Clown: If Jews control the media, why can't I get on Jimmy Kimmel?

"The Simpsons: Black Widower (#3.21)" (1992)
[Sideshow Bob wins an Emmy in prison]
Sideshow Bob: This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!
Krusty the Clown: Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!
Sideshow Bob: No-talent shill!
Krusty the Clown: Second banana!
Sideshow Bob: Panderer!
Krusty the Clown: Bore!

"The Simpsons: To Surveil, with Love (#21.20)" (2010)
Krusty: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to make ice? She forgot the recipe! How come you don't see many blonde snowwomen? It takes too much time to hollow out the head!
Bart Simpson: [laughing] He sure got you pegged, blondie.
Lisa Simpson: You're blond too, you know.
Bart Simpson: Blond boys aren't dumb, they're evil, like in Karate Kid or World War II.

"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
Krusty the Clown: Homer gave me a kidney. It wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came postage due - but still, a lovely gesture.

"The Simpsons: Behind the Laughter (#11.22)" (2000)
Krusty the Clown: Homer gave me a kidney: it wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came postage due- but I appreciated the gesture!

"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)
Krusty: Nice work, Brockman. There are only two rules in television: Don't swear and don't whip it out. It's not rocket science!

"The Simpsons: Homer the Heretic (#4.3)" (1992)
[doorbell rings; Homer answers the door to Krusty]
Krusty the Clown: Hello, I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of seventy-five Jewish clowns. The worst incident was outside our convention in Lubbock, Texas.
[choking up]
Krusty the Clown: There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere!
Krusty the Clown: It was terrible...!
Homer: Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing?
Krusty the Clown: A religious clown thing, yes.
Homer: Sorry.
Krusty the Clown: Well, bless you anyw...
[Homer shuts the door on him]

"The Simpsons: Homerazzi (#18.16)" (2007)
[Krusty puts random stuff on a blender and drinks it, then spits it out]
Krusty the Klown: You call this a drink?
Bartender: I never called it a drink.

"The Simpsons: Mathlete's Feat (#26.22)" (2015)
Professor Frink: And now, someone who really loves math...
Krusty the Clown: Math? I thought they said meth. Drug reference!
Professor Frink: Do you even know what you're here for?
Krusty the Clown: What's to know? They send a limo, I get in, it takes me somewhere, I turn on the news to see what I did.

"The Simpsons: Elementary School Musical (#22.1)" (2010)
Krusty: Look, I'm really sorry about all the things I've been charged with, as well as all the stuff you don't know about yet.

"The Simpsons: Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder (#11.6)" (1999)
Krusty the Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hanta virus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box...
[gets interrupted by a newscast]

The Simpsons: Tapped Out (2012) (VG)
Krusty the Clown: All right, I finished your dumb ride. Up you go.
Carl Carlson: Oh, I never ride Viking Boats. Not with my stomach. I just wanted to make you build one.
Krusty the Clown: I said, GET ON THE BOAT.
Lenny Leonard: Are you aiming a gun at us?
Krusty the Clown: I sure am. And I'm prepared to use it. Maybe even make jokes about it. Or the organization that lobbies on behalf of it.
Carl Carlson: Look, shoot us if you want. But don't make a joke at the NRA's expense. They can't take it, and I don't want to listen to their whining.
Krusty the Clown: Yeah, you'd think people with guns would have a thicker skin. But you're still getting on that boat.

"The Simpsons: A Tale of Two Springfields (#12.2)" (2000)
Krusty: I opened for The Who at Woodstock. I came out with a Beatle wig and a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact words.
Sideshow Mel: [sarcastically] I never tire of THAT story.

"The Simpsons: I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can (#14.12)" (2003)
Krusty the Clown: It's not important to talk about who got rich off of whom, or who got exposed to tainted what...

"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
Marge Simpson: Now, make no mistake. When I say "first aid" I'm not talking about some sort of... charity rock concert.
[laughs at her own joke]
Marge Simpson: I'm talking about treating serious injuries!
[the crowd laughs loudly]
Krusty: Serious injuries!
[writes it down]
Krusty: Ooh, that's gold!

"The Simpsons: The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants (#23.7)" (2011)
Krusty the Clown: I need a drink.
[Mr Teeny brings him a bottle of Krusty Vodka]
Krusty the Clown: Not that! Never that!

"The Simpsons: The Lastest Gun in the West (#13.12)" (2002)
Krusty the Clown: I want my comedy to have a timeless quality.
Krusty's Assistant: Here's the final draft on that "Hanging Chad" sketch, Krusty.
Krusty the Clown: [reading] Heh heh. Oh good, you worked in Judge Ito.

"The Simpsons: Mypods and Boomsticks (#20.7)" (2008)
Krusty: I hate this MyPod! I can't watch movies on a screen this smalll, and the music today, don't get me started!
Krusty: I said, don't get me started!
Krusty: Well, isn't anybody gonna get me started?
[Bart starts to speak, but Homer stops him]
Krusty: Fine. Come on, Mr. Teeny. Maybe somebody at Old Navy will get me started.

"The Simpsons: 'Tis the Fifteenth Season (#15.7)" (2003)
Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

"The Simpsons: Coming to Homerica (#20.21)" (2009)
Krusty's Agent: It turns out the Krustyburger is the most unhealthy fast food item ever.
Krusty the Clown: Even worse than the Double Krustyburger?
Krusty's Agent: Apparently, yes.

"The Tracey Ullman Show: Episode #3.7" (1989)
Krusty the Clown: Hi, boys and girls! Welcome to the Krusty the Clown Show! Let's meet some of our guests in our studio audience shall we?
[to Maggie Simpson]
Krusty the Clown: What's your name little girl?
[Maggie continues sucking on her pacifier, saying nothing]
Krusty the Clown: OK, what's your name little boy?
Bart Simpson: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Krusty the Clown: [grumbles, trying to control his temper] Why I'm you old pal Krusty!
Bart Simpson: Oh, yeah? Then what's Krusty's secret motto?
Krusty the Clown: [trying to remember] Uh... oh, if you're feeling sad and blue, keep a Krusty smile on you!
Bart Simpson: Look man, I don't know how you found out Krusty's secret motto, but you're still an imposter!
[Bart pulls off Krusty's red nose and pushes him to the floor as he grabs Krusty's microphone amid boos and jeers from the rest of the studio audience]
Bart Simpson: Kids in TV land, you're being duped by this imposter who...
Krusty the Clown: [rises and begins choking Bart; gruff voice] Why you little... !

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Tree Hugger (#12.4)" (2000)
Krusty the Clown: This I don't need.

"The Simpsons: Day of the Jackanapes (#12.13)" (2001)
[Mr. Teeney has just foiled Sideshow Bob's plan to kill Krusty and blew up a room]
Krusty the Clown: Was there anyone in there?
Sideshow Mel: Just some network executives.
[the blown-apart parts of the executives turn to liquid metal and reform into a T2-style mix of Lindsey Naegle and Jim the Executive]
Lindsey Naegle, Jim the Executive: We have notes. Have you thought about Dave Chappelle? Destroy!

"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
[as the monorail speeds out of control]
Krusty the Clown: Krusty wants out!
[He wrenches open the door and starts to drop to his death]
Leonard Nimoy: [pulls him back] No! The world needs laughter.