No Photo Available
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Barney Gumble (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Simpsons: Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-Annoyed-Grunt-cious (#8.13)" (1997)
Shary Bobbins: [singing] Wasted away again in Margaritaville.
Barney: [singing] Searching for my lost shaker of salt.
[spoken]
Barney: Oh, here it is.
[pours the salt into his mouth]

Barney: [as Sherry Bobbins is leaving] Bye Superman.
Lisa: Dad, do you think we'll ever see Sherry Bobbins again?
Homer: I'm sure we will, honey.
[She is sucked into a jet engine in the background]
Homer: I'm sure we will.

Announcer: Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show"
Barney: Where's Otis? He's not in his cell.
Charles Bronson: I shot him.
Barney: Well that's... what?
Charles Bronson: And now, I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop.
[cocks gun]
Charles Bronson: To fix Emmett.
["Andy Griffith Show" theme plays]

Homer: All right, Marge. We'll get your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War Recreation Society I love so much.
[cut to Moe's]
Moe: All right, Homer's out. We'll need a new General Ambrose Burnside.
Barney: I'm not too fond of our Stonewall Jackson, either.
Apu: The South shall COME AGAIN.


"The Simpsons: Mr. Plow (#4.9)" (1992)
Linda Ronstadt: [singing] When the snow is a fallin theres a man you should be callin. That's KLD-796. Let it ring.
Barney, Linda Ronstadt: Mr Plow is a loser, and I think he is a boozer, so you'd better make that call to the Plow King.

Barney: [to Adam West] So long, Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me.

Homer: There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
Barney: Oh yeah? Which president is on it?
Homer: Um, all of them. They are having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch.


"The Simpsons: New Kid on the Block (#4.8)" (1992)
[answering a prank phone call from Bart]
Moe: Moe's Tavern... Yeah, just a sec, I'll check.
[calling out]
Moe: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
[whole bar bursts into laughter]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [into phone] You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!

Moe: Oh, I better get back and check on Barney.
Barney: [drinking beer straight from the tap] Oh, oh, my heart stopped!
[after about 10 seconds]
Barney: There it goes.

Barney: [drinking beer from the tap at Moe's] Uh-oh, my heart just stopped.
[pauses]
Barney: Oh, there it goes.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III (#4.5)" (1992)
Barney: Wow! Look at the size of that platform!

[while fighting zombies]
Barney: Wow, George Washington!
Homer: Take that, Washington!
[BLAM!]
Homer: Eat lead, Einstein!
[BLAM!]
Homer: Show's over, Shakespeare!
[clubs him to the ground]
Zombie Shakespeare: Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?


"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Homer (#5.9)" (1993)
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe Szyslak: [not very interested] Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend, Joey Jo-Jo Junior... Shabadoo?
Moe Szyslak: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[a man runs out of Moe's crying]
Barney Gumble: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!

Homer: Moe, I've got a friend named Joey... Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
[a man runs out of the bar crying]
Barney: Wait! Joey Joe Joe!


"The Simpsons: Kamp Krusty (#4.1)" (1992)
Bart: That's Not Krusty the Klown!
Mr. Black: What do you think, I just slapped a clown suit on some wino?
[laughs weakly]
Barney Gumble: Yeah Bart, I am so Crunchy the Clown!
[belches]

Bart: All right, that's it! I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins, my Krusty calculator didn't have a 7 or an 8, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions, but this time he's gone too far! We want Krusty!
Campers: We want Krusty! We want Krusty!
Barney Gumble: Yeah, we want Crunchy! We want Crunchy!


"The Simpsons: I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can (#14.12)" (2003)
[Barney lies drunk in the street]
Barney: Spell 'relapse!'
Lisa: R-E-L-A-P-S-E!
Barney: [singing] That's what beer has done to me!

Barney: [drunk, laying on the side of the road] Spell 'relapse'.
Lisa: R-E-L-A-P-S-E
Barney: [singing] That's what beer has done to me! Sockittome, sockittome, sockittome, sockittome!


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Vegetarian (#7.5)" (1995)
[Homer fills the grill with lighter fluid and prepares to grill]
Lisa: Wait Dad! Good news, everyone! You don't have to eat meat! I've got enough gazpacho for everyone.
[Crowd murmurs]
Lisa: It's tomato soup, served ice cold!
[Crowd laughs out loud as Lisa growls and stomps off]
Barney Gumble: Go back to Russia!

Homer: Wow, Barney. You brought a whole beer keg.
Barney: Yeah... where do I fill it up?


"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
Leonard Nimoy: My job here is done.
Barney Gumble: What do you mean? You didn't do anything.
Leonard Nimoy: [chuckles] Didn't I?
[gets "beamed" away, a la "Star Trek"]

Lyle Lanely: [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
[points at Ned Flanders]
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanely: What's it called?
Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier: Monorail.
Lyle Lanely: That's right, monorail!
[runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
Crowd: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
[continues underneath those who speak]
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanely: [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanely: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney Gumble: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanely: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanely: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanely: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: [speaking] What's it called?
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: Once again!
Crowd: [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!


"The Simpsons: Love Is a Many Strangled Thing (#22.17)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: Can't talk now. Texting.
Moe Szyslak: Ooh, a text. Heh. Let's see... text message for I.M. A. Weiner. As you can all see, I.M. A. Weiner.
Barney Gumble: [the barflies all laugh] I see it, Moe!
Moe Szyslak: Why you... when I...
[texting]
Moe Szyslak: "When I a hold of you..." Oh, damn it, I typed a 'F' and not a 'D'. Uh... delete, delete, delete, delete. Oh, crap, I just donated $20 to Haiti.


"The Simpsons: The Telltale Head (#1.8)" (1990)
Barney: How long is this going to take?
Bart: About twenty-two minutes and five seconds.
[the average length of an episode without the commercials]


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)
Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
Bart: Thanks, Mom.
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba.
Marge: Hmmmmm.
Maggie: [sucks pacifier]
Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney Gumble: [belches]
Nelson: Ha-ha.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
[pause, everyone stares at Lisa]
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. the 18th Amendment (#8.18)" (1997)
[Banner is interrogating a drunk Barney in the street]
Rex Banner: Listen, rummy, I'm gonna say it plain and simple. Where'd you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?
Barney: Yes?


"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
Moe: Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe: The results came back today.


"The Simpsons: Secrets of a Successful Marriage (#5.22)" (1994)
Homer: [playing poker, gagging and coughing up poker chips] Ew! Don't try to eat these so called "chips".
Moe: Are you gonna take some cards, or not?
Homer: Oh... heh, yeah.
[takes four cards]
Homer: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Er, I mean, "woohoo".
Moe: I'm in.
Lenny: I'm in.
Carl: I'm in.
Barney: I'm in.
[belches]
Homer: Aww, I was bluffing.
[lays out cards]
Moe: Ha, ha, ha! Come to papa!
[takes chips and looks at cards]
Moe: What? You have a straight flush, Homer! Ya do this *every* time! Arrrgh-eeengh-gah! Choking on my own rage here!


"The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (#2.11)" (1991)
Eddie: [opening Homer's jail cell door] OK, flash. You get one phone call.
Homer Simpson: [at a phone, about to dial] Wait, I can't call Marge. It's our last day on Earth together, I can't drag her into this mess. I know, I'll call Barney.
[he dials. Cut to an answering machine in Barney's filthy apartment. Barney is sitting on the couch cutting his toenails]
Voices on Answering Machine: [to the tune of Beethoven's 5th Symphony] Nobody's here! Nobody's here! Nobody's here, nobody's here, nobody's here!
Homer Simpson: Damn those novelty telephone answering machine tapes! Thanks a lot, Barney, I just wasted my one phone call on your stupid...
Barney Gumble: [rushes to the phone and picks up it up] What? Wait! I'm home! I'm home! Hi, Homer.
Homer Simpson: You've got to help me, Barney, I'm in jail.
Barney Gumble: You are? Hey, Homer, go to the window.
[looks out of his window overlooking the police station, sees Homer inside and waves to him]
Barney Gumble: Hiya neighbour! I can seee you!
Homer Simpson: D'oh, gah! Just get over here and bring 50 bucks for bail!
Barney Gumble: 50 bucks! What'd you do, kill a judge?


"The Simpsons: Deep Space Homer (#5.15)" (1994)
NASA Assistant: Oh, and Mr. Gumble... For the duration of the training there'll be no more beer.
Barney Gumble: What? Three whole weeks with only wine? I'll go crazy!


"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob Roberts (#6.5)" (1994)
Birchibald T. Barlow: [on the radio] I want all of you out there to do everything in your power to see that Bob is set free!
Moe Szyslak: All right, you heard the man.
[He takes a box out from under the bar]
Moe Szyslak: Everybody, one grenade each.
Barney Gumble: Moe, I think he meant through non-violent, grassroots, poltical action.
Moe Szyslak: Really? You think? Okay, hand 'em back. Come on, everybody.
[mad]
Moe Szyslak: Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?


"The Simpsons: Homer's Night Out (#1.10)" (1990)
Barney Gumble: In case you get hungry, there's an open beer in the fridge.


"The Simpsons: Like Father, Like Clown (#3.6)" (1991)
Moe Szyslak: [tearing up while watching Krusty and his father sing on TV] I've got something in my eye.
Barney Gumble: [offering filthy handkerchief] Here, take my hanky.
Moe Szyslak: [taking it and jumping back in shock, seeing its condition] Euueeh!


"The Simpsons: The Monkey Suit (#17.21)" (2006)
Barney Gumble: Homer's son's sister is right!


"The Simpsons: Whacking Day (#4.20)" (1993)
Barney: [Barney is hitting the ground with a stick] Take that snake! Ungh! And you too! Snakes! Snakes everyhere!
Lenny: Getting ready for Whacking Day?
Barney: What's Whacking Day?


"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
Carl Carlson: [at a wishing well] I wish for world peace.
Barney Gumble: I wish for world war.
Carl Carlson: Hey, that is cooler.


The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)
Barney Gumble: Whoa, things sure are swirly.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Triple Bypass (#4.11)" (1992)
Moe: [Homer is about to have a triple bypass operation] Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
Barney: [after a short while] How long has it been?
Moe: Six seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell, no.


"The Simpsons: Homer at the Bat (#3.17)" (1992)
Barney: [in Moe's Tavern] And I say, that England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
[punches him out]
Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barn'!
[disbelieving]
Moe: Pitt the Elder...
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
[punches him out]


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 1 (#6.25)" (1995)
Moe Szyslak: I lost my bar!
Barney Gumble: I lost his bar!
Lisa Simpson: He robbed the school of music!
Principal Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito!
Homer: He can't remember my name!
Marge Simpson: He's causing us all to yell!
[Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]
Bart Simpson: Look what he did to my best friend!
[Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies]
Bart Simpson: No, my dog!
[Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?


"The Simpsons: Bart's Comet (#6.14)" (1995)
Homer: Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it. I can't take this anymore. I can't let that brave man out there die alone. I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you - especially his children. I'm going out there!
[goes out, slams door behind him, then pops his head back in]
Homer: It was a baby ox.
Moe: He's right, you know.
Principal Skinner: [surprised] About the ox?
Moe: About everything, dammit! Hey Homer, wait up. I want to die too.
Apu: If you are going, I am going.
Barney Gumble: Me too!
[everyone assents and leaves]


The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
Homer Simpson: Barney, you know that cooler I gave you for your birthday? Well, Flanders wants it back.
Barney Gumble: Now what am I gonna use for a toilet?


"The Simpsons: Homer's Barbershop Quartet (#5.1)" (1993)
Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero.
David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?


"The Simpsons: Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk (#3.11)" (1991)
Moe Szyslak: Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
Bart Simpson: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem. First name Bea.
Moe Szyslak: Uh, yeah, just a minute. I'll check. Uh, Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem? Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
Barney Gumble: You sure do!


"The Simpsons: Homerpalooza (#7.24)" (1996)
[the teenagers Homer and Barney are doing an acapella version of "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" in front of a mirror]
Middle-aged Grampa: What the Hell are you two doin'?
Young Barney: It's called rockin' out!
Young Homer: You wouldn't understan', dad. You're not *with it*.
Middle-aged Grampa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what *it* was. Now what I'm with isn't *it*, and what's *it* seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you...


"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Kancelled (#4.22)" (1993)
Anthony Kiedis: You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people.
Moe: It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play. The audience is getting restless.
Barney: [flicking a lighter] We want chilly-willy. We want chilly-willy.


"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Maybe (#21.11)" (2010)
Homer Simpson: Here I have all this money, and I can't even use it to help the woman who gave birth to me.
Barney Gumble: Why don't you buy stuff for your family and leave it where they can find it?
Homer Simpson: That's brilliant! Just for that, you can help yourself to anything from this tree.
Barney Gumble: But that's not the money tree.
Homer Simpson: This is the tree where I hide my adult magazines.
[Barney reaches inside, pulls out issues of The Economist]
Barney Gumble: Whoa!


"The Simpsons: There's No Disgrace Like Home (#1.4)" (1990)
Barney Gumble: Don't blame yourself, Homer. You've got crummy little kids that nobody can control.
Homer: You can't talk that way about my kids! Well, at least two of them, anyway.
Barney Gumble: Why? Have you got two I haven't met?
Homer: [angrily] Why you! Here's FIVE you haven't met!
[punches Barney off his stool]


"The Simpsons: Brake My Wife, Please (#14.20)" (2003)
Barney Gumble: Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road!


"The Simpsons: Homer Defined (#3.5)" (1991)
Barney Gumble: [Barney's advice to Homer before he has to give a big speech to the workers at a power plant in Shelbyville to help calm him down] Just picture everyone in their underwear.