Nelson Muntz
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Quotes for
Nelson Muntz (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Simpsons: MoneyBart (#22.3)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: Bottom line: I need an extracurricular activity, and no one else will coach you loveable losers.
Bart Simpson: We're not losers! Last year we finished six and five.
Nelson Muntz: And we're not loveable. We had a tall freckle-faced kid on the team that we picked on 'til he quit.
[to tall, freckled kid walking down the street]
Nelson Muntz: Hey, Splatterface! How's the weather up there?
[Kid leaves downhearted]
Nelson Muntz: It's too bad, 'cause he's a great hitter, but it's worth it.

Nelson Muntz: Hey, get a room, you two.
Lisa Simpson: We're brother and sister.
Milhouse Van Houten: So are my parents, I think.

Nelson Muntz: What's a babe like her doing with a brown banana like Skinner?
Bart Simpson: Maybe she's one of those sexy school supply company reps.
Milhouse Van Houten: If that is true, then where's her suitcase with wheels, Bart? Where's her suitcase with wheels?

Nelson Muntz: She can do the kind of math that has letters. Watch. What's X, Lisa?
Lisa Simpson: Well, that depends...
Nelson Muntz: Sorry. She did it yesterday.

"The Simpsons: Loan-a Lisa (#22.2)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: You're quitting school?
Nelson Muntz: Dropping it like a melon off an overpass.
Lisa Simpson: But don't you know? People who don't go to college make 3% less than people who do.

Nelson Muntz: My first job! Tonight, I'm having peanut butter *and* jelly. No more PB or J for me.

Nelson Muntz: [throwing spelling book in fire] Spelling, meet F-Y-R-E.

Lisa Simpson: Mr. Zuckerberg, I'm Lisa, and this is my friend Nelson.
Nelson Muntz: S'up, Zuck?
Mark Zuckerberg: [Typing] Mark Zuckerberg is... happy to make new friend.
Lisa Simpson: That's nice. Mr. Zuckerberg, I want to show my friend the importance of a college education.
Mark Zuckerberg: Actually, I dropped out of Harvard.
Lisa Simpson: You did?
Nelson Muntz: Better earnin' than learnin'.
Mark Zuckerberg: Hell, yeah! I'll get the best kind of degree: honorary, baby!

"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
Ned Flanders: A little higher, Wendell.
[another throw]
Ned Flanders: A lot higher, Martin.
[another throw]
Ned Flanders: Ralph, that's a basketball...
[next throw hits Flanders hard]
Ned Flanders: OK! Nelson's our quarterback.
Nelson Muntz: Thanks, four-eyes.
Ned Flanders: Ralph, you'll be on special teams.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm special!

Nelson Muntz: [to football player] Gimme the ball!
[football player hands him the ball]
Nelson Muntz: And your lunch money!
[football player hands him his lunch money too]

Bart Simpson: Give me a B?
Nelson Muntz: I won't give you a B, but I'll tear you a new A.

Nelson Muntz: I gotta quit smoking.

"The Simpsons: Wild Barts Can't Be Broken (#10.11)" (1999)
Nelson Muntz: Adults blow.
Bart: Yeah, just look at them over there.
[scene shows Principal Skinner, Mrs. Krabappel and Ms. Hoover standing in the playground]
Milhouse Van Houten: Smoking their cigarettes.
Lisa Simpson: Drinking their coffee.
Bart: Scratching their big butts.
Principal Skinner: [to Bart] Your metabolism will change someday too, young man.
[awkwardly walks backward]

Nelson Muntz: I'm breaking curfew, Mom.
Nelson's Mom: [off-screen] We're out of Skoal!

Milhouse Van Houten: Man, if we had eye power like those kids in that movie, we could read the adults' minds and tell their secrets and make them pitchfork each other and junk!
Lisa Simpson: Wait! We don't need supernatural powers. We already know their secrets.
Bart: She's right! Homer's done a ton of crap that never made the papers.
Martin Prince: My mom shoplifts all the time. Stuff she doesn't even need.
Nelson Muntz: My dad gets in car accidents on purpose.
Lisa Simpson: [as she writes down everyone's ideas on a notepad] Great! This is all gold.
Milhouse Van Houten: We gotta spread this stuff around. Let's put it on the Internet!
Lisa Simpson: No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter! And I think I know how.

"The Simpsons: Moms I'd Like to Forget (#22.10)" (2011)
Martin Prince: [Tears his shirt in rage] Rumble!
Nelson Muntz: Just go home.
Martin Prince: [meekly] Thank you.

Groundskeeper Willie: You call that a scar? This is a scar!
Nelson Muntz: That's a bellybutton. Everybody's got one.
Groundskeeper Willie: [sad] I thought I was special.

Nelson Muntz: [Sprays Gatorade on Mrs. Krabappel after a dogeball game]
Edna Krabappel: Hey! I'm not the coach!
Nelson Muntz: I know... I just wanted to see if you were wearing a bra.
Edna Krabappel: [Put a hand to her chest and smile at Nelson]

"The Simpsons: The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show (#8.14)" (1997)
Focus Group Guy: All right, thanks for participating in our focus group, kids. Today, we're gonna show you some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons.
[the kids cheer]
Nelson Muntz: Cool!
Focus Group Guy: We want you to tell us what you think. And be honest because no one from the show is spying on you.
[a man behind the mirror sneezes making the mirror shake]
Lisa Simpson: Why is that mirror sneezing?
Focus Group Guy: Look, it's just an old creaky mirror, you know. Sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing or coughing or talking softly.
Lisa Simpson: [suspiciously] Hmm.
Focus Group Guy: [holds his thumb up to the mirror] Now, you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left.
Ralph Wiggum: [with his knob in his mouth] My knob tastes funny.
Focus Group Guy: [taking the knob out of Ralph's mouth] Please refrain from tasting the knob.

Nelson Muntz: [after the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon ends] That stunk.
Homer: Well, what did everybody think?
[everyone starts leaving in disgust]
Ned Flanders: Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy & Chimpy I've ever seen.
Carl: Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... got a beautiful home here.
Homer: [to the rest of the Simpson family] So it was pretty okay, huh?
Bart Simpson: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner
Marge Simpson: Yes, we can.
[Marge, Bart and Lisa run upstairs]

"The Simpsons: Postcards from the Wedge (#21.14)" (2010)
Nelson Muntz: If your parents aren't getting PO'd, are you really pranking? You gotta take it up a notch.
Bart Simpson: Really?
Nelson Muntz: If no one gets mad, are you really being bad? Think about it.
Bart Simpson: Wow.
Nelson Muntz: I know.

Edna Krabappel: Bart, you had a month to do that assigment. You started thirty minutes ago.
Bart Simpson: Thank you, thank you.
Edna Krabappel: That wasn't a compliment. You have crushed my dreams of teaching ever since I saw "To Sir With Love" as a little girl.
Nelson Muntz: Ha-ha! You're old!
Edna Krabappel: It was on VHS in the '80s.
Nelson Muntz: Outdated medium. I stand by my "Ha-ha!"

"The Simpsons: 500 Keys (#22.21)" (2011)
Nelson Muntz: Little Miss Play-It-Safe, eh? Have a nice day. Just like the day before that...
[starts backing up slowly]
Nelson Muntz: ... and the day before that... and the day before that... and the day before that...
Nelson Muntz: [Through PA system] ... and the day before that... and the day before that...
Principal Seymour Skinner: Nelson, will you just tell everyone the lunch specials?
Nelson Muntz: Sloppy joes! And the day before that... Tater tots! And the day before that...

Nelson Muntz: Yeah, I've been held back more times than I can count, which is probably why I got held back so many times.

"The Simpsons: Bart of Darkness (#6.1)" (1994)
Nelson: HA HA.
Milhouse: Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg.
Nelson: I said, "HA HA."

[last lines]
Martin Prince: More friends! More allies! More, I say. Hang those who talk of less. There's a few inches over here, ho!
[one more kid squeezes in, causing the pool to burst]
Martin Prince: My precious pool and its lifestyle accoutrements... no!
[everyone grumbles, leaves]
Nelson: [rips off Martin's bathing suit] Ha ha!
Martin Prince: Oh. The gentle caress of the summer breeze.
Martin Prince: The summer wind came blowing in from across the sea...

"The Simpsons: Skinner's Sense of Snow (#12.8)" (2000)
Nelson: [hears a noise] What was that?
Lisa Simpson: That sounded like a silo tipping over!

Nelson: We're trapped in the school!
[the kids scream]
Milhouse: We're gonna miss Christmas!
[the kids scream even louder]
Skinner: I fixed the DVD.
[the kids scream louder than ever]

"The Simpsons: The DeBarted (#19.13)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: I've had this planned for a long time. We're gonna egg Skinner's house.
Nelson Muntz: We've already egged his car, his house, and his father's grave. How is this gonna be any different?
Bart Simpson: Because we're using an ostrich egg.
[all gasp]
Bart Simpson: Usually you can't get them unless you buy an ostrich and wait.
Donny: How much of it is yolk?
Bart Simpson: The whole thing!
Nelson Muntz, Donny: Ooooh!
Nelson Muntz: Hard to believe this came out of some animal's butt. It's beautiful in it's own way.

Nelson Muntz: Running away rules!

"The Simpsons: Das Bus (#9.14)" (1998)
Bart Simpson: And every night the monkey butlers will regale us with jungle stories.
Nelson: How many monkey butlers will there be?
Bart Simpson: One at first, but he'll train others.

[Bart has just described the island paradise he envisages]
Nelson: How many monkey butlers will there be?
Bart: One at first. But he'll train others.

"The Simpsons: The Bart of War (#14.21)" (2003)
Bart Simpson: [after the Calvary kids have won the prize for most boxes of candy sold even though their candy contained laxatives] I guess that's it, they beat us
Nelson Muntz: At least we made a lot of people sick
Homer Simpson: Well I'm not finished, where does it say we have to be gracious in defeat?
Bart Simpson: Its on the back of our vests
Homer Simpson: Marge remove that stitching

Bart Simpson: Someone's cleaned our field!
Nelson Muntz: Its awful it looks like Wisconsin

"The Simpsons: How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window? (#22.7)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Go ahead, make fun of me. I lost my heart to a bird.
Nelson Muntz: [Unenthusiastic] Haw-haw.
Bart Simpson: Man, you are not into that. What's wrong?
Nelson Muntz: My mom ran away with my birthday clown.

Nelson Muntz: What do you think, Mom?
Mrs. Muntz: Why don't you ask your new father?
[Birthday clown honks horn]
Nelson Muntz: You haven't earned the right to call me that!

"The Simpsons: The Haw-Hawed Couple (#18.8)" (2006)
Nelson Muntz: I like to sit up here and make fun of the sunset. Hey, gas ball! You suck!

Nelson Muntz: Haw-haw! I touched your heart!

"The Simpsons: Dial 'N' for Nerder (#19.14)" (2008)
Martin Prince: To quote Mark Twain, rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Nelson Muntz: Yeah, rumors of your wussiness are a hundred percent true.

Nelson Muntz: I hope you two learned something from all this.
Lisa Simpson: I learned that inside my goody-two-shoes are some very dark socks.
Bart Simpson: And I learned that killing a nerd is not as cool as it sounds.
Nelson Muntz: There's just one more thing...
[turns to camera]
Nelson Muntz: You folks have a good night.

"The Simpsons: 'Tis the Fifteenth Season (#15.7)" (2003)
Nelson: Haw haw, your position has been usurped.

Nelson: Dad didn't leave... he went to the store, and when he comes back I'll wave those Pop Tarts right in your face!

"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
[while Marge is in prison]
Milhouse Van Houten: [opens his lunchbox] All right, baloney and cheese! What'd you get, Bart?
Bart Simpson: Pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card.
Nelson Muntz: Ha-ha! Your mom's a jailbird!
Bart Simpson: So's yours.
Nelson Muntz: Oh, yeah... let's play!

"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)
[Bart is making a show-and-tell presentation]
Bart Simpson: What has four legs and ticks?
Milhouse Van Houten: A walking clock?
Nelson Muntz: A walking clock!
Martin Prince: [to another kid] I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box.
Edna Krabappel: Bart, is it a walking clock?
Bart Simpson: Huh? No, it's my dog.

"The Simpsons: The Fight Before Christmas (#22.8)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Isn't this the busy season? Where are the other elves?
Milhouse Van Houten: Laid off.
Nelson Muntz: Ever since NAFTA, all the jobs have been going to the South Pole.

"The Simpsons: All About Lisa (#19.20)" (2008)
Krusty the Clown: The new Krustketeer is... what was your kid's name again?
Nelson's Mother: Nelson Muntz!
Krusty the Clown: Wilbur Mudd!
Nelson Muntz: That's me! Here's Mudd in your eye!
[Hits kid in eye]

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)
[in his dream, Martin is dressed as a wizard]
Martin: I am the wondrous wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation, with a million hit points and maximum charisma.
[Martin spots a blackboard with verbs written all over it]
Martin: Aha! "Morire": to die. "Morit": he, she, or it dies.
[Willie morphs out of the blackboard; Martin gasps]
Groundskeeper Willie: "Moris"? You die!
Martin: [runs off] Aah!
Groundskeeper Willie: [laughs] You've mastered a dead tongue, but can you handle a live one?
[Willie's tongue shoots out of his mouth, wraps around Martin, and squeezes him]
Groundskeeper Willie: [in class, Martin twists and screams, then collapses on the floor]
Nelson: Ha ha!

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets Famous (#5.12)" (1994)
Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
Bart: Thanks, Mom.
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba.
Marge: Hmmmmm.
Maggie: [sucks pacifier]
Ned Flanders: Hidely-ho.
Barney Gumble: [belches]
Nelson: Ha-ha.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
[pause, everyone stares at Lisa]
Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?

"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
[a very tall man scrunched in a Volkswagen Beetle has just grabbed Nelson after being laughed at]
Tall Man: Do you find something comical about my appearance when I am driving my automobile?
Nelson: Yes.
Tall Man: Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall.
[points to his Beetle]
Tall Man: This was the largest auto I could afford. Should I therefore be made the subject of fun, huh?
Nelson: I guess so.
Tall Man: [clears his throat] Would you like it if others laughed at YOUR misfortune, hmm? Maybe we should find out!
Tall Man: [Tall man pulls down Nelson's pants and commands him to walk down the main street] Nowwww march!
Tall Man: [honks his car horn while driving behind Nelson] Hey, everyone! Look at this; it's that boy who laughs at everyone! Let's laugh at him!
[the entire crowd yells HA-HA! at Nelson]

"The Simpsons: Burns' Heir (#5.18)" (1994)
Milhouse: [auditioning to become Burns's heir] I have nothing to offer you but my love.
Mr. Burns: I specifically said, no geeks!
Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool!
Nelson: Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
Martin Prince: [singing] Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring, went the bell / Zing, Zing, Zing, went my heartstrings...
[Nelson cold-cocks him]
Mr. Burns: Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

"The Simpsons: A Test Before Trying (#24.10)" (2013)
Mr. Largo: We had to sell all our trombone mutes.
Nelson Muntz: [with trombone mute] Wah-wah!
Mr. Largo: Oh, why did I sell one to Nelson?
Nelson Muntz: Wah-wah!
Mr. Largo: Anyway, he's far better than anyone in the band.

"The Simpsons: What Animated Women Want (#24.17)" (2013)
Nelson Muntz: For some reason, chicks dig Brando, with his sweaty clothes and mumbling. I've been wasting my time with this sophisticated act.
[Takes off frayed vest, folds it and puts it inside desk]

"The Simpsons: The Scorpion's Tale (#22.15)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: [Looking inside an abandoned mine] The legends are true!
Milhouse Van Houten: Did you find gold?
Bart Simpson: Better! The prospectors left naughty French postcards. Ooh-la-la!
Nelson Muntz: That's fool's porn. I'll take them off your hands for ya.
[Takes cards and goes behind a cactus]
Nelson Muntz: Ce si bon! Si bon! Si bon! And... remorse.

"The Simpsons: Bye Bye Nerdy (#12.16)" (2001)
Lisa: Wow, there's a lot about bullying I didn't know.
Nelson: Yes, there's a lot of history there. Did you know it predates agriculture?

"The Simpsons: The Devil Wears Nada (#21.5)" (2009)
Edna Krabappel: Today, we're going to read about Washington crossing the Delaware.
Nelson Muntz: I'd rather see Bart's mom in her underwear.
Edna Krabappel: The British side was under the command of General Howe.
Nelson Muntz: I give Bart's mom a general wow!
Bart Simpson: Stop that, she's my mom!
Nelson Muntz: Keep-away with Bart's mom!
[Throws calendar to Milhouse]
Milhouse Van Houten: Oh, Mrs. S. You can tuck me in anytime.
Bart Simpson: [Aims slingshot at Milhouse] Okay, buddy. Lower the eyebrows, nice and easy.
[Milhouse lowers one eyebrow]
Bart Simpson: Now the other one.
[Milhouse lowers the other eyebrow, but then raises it again; Bart hits him with slingshot]
Milhouse Van Houten: Ow! It's stuck! Now I'll have a quizzical expression all day.
Nelson Muntz: I'd like to get quizzical with Bart's mom.
[Bart tackles Nelson and they fight]

"The Simpsons: Boy Scoutz 'n the Hood (#5.8)" (1993)
Nelson Muntz: [Bart shows up for school in his scout uniform] Well, well... If it isn't Sergeant Dork!

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIX (#20.4)" (2008)
Milhouse: You've all come to wait for the Grand Pumpkin with me! Who wants to sing Pumpkin carols?
Nelson Muntz: I've got a Pumpkin carol for you. You are such a stupid moron. It makes people want to punch you. The Grand Pumpkin's super gay! Punch, punch, punch punch wedgie!
[punches Milhouse 4 times and gives him a wedgie]

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Date with Density (#8.7)" (1996)
Lisa Simpson: Nelson, Milhouse didn't send you that note. I did.
Nelson Muntz: You? Since when do you like me? No girls like me.
Nelson Muntz: Are you wearing a wire?

The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Milhouse: Hey, I am very passionate about the planet.
Nelson: [raises his fist] Say global warming is a myth!
Milhouse: [cowering] It's a myth! Further study is needed!
Nelson: [punches Milhouse] That's for selling out your beliefs!

"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)
Marge: [looking at Bart's collection of death threats] Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting.
Homer Simpson: Oh, uh, I wrote that one, after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.
[Homer drops his pants, revealing a "wide load" tattoo on his rear end. Everyone laughs]
Nelson: [outside the window] Ha ha!
Bart: But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis The Menace.
Homer Simpson: It's probably the person you least suspect.
Lisa: That's good, Dad.
Grampa: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit! It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George Guberlindsey.
Bart: Grandpa, Matlock's not real.
Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

"The Simpsons: To Surveil, with Love (#21.20)" (2010)
Nelson Muntz: Haw-haw! You're a spaz!
Lisa Simpson: That's not true. First of all, Milhouse only fell because you tripped him. Secondly, spaz is short for spastic diplegia, someone who suffers from a serious medical condition. And thirdly, your Haw-haw, by overuse, has lost its power.
Nelson Muntz: Wow. I bow before your logic.

"The Simpsons: Husbands and Knives (#19.7)" (2007)
[Milo hands out Japanese hard candy]
Nelson Muntz: I got prawn!
Milhouse: I got miso!
Lisa Simpson: I got dolphin.

"The Simpsons: Bart's Friend Falls in Love (#3.23)" (1992)
Bart: [trying out Milhouse's new 8-Ball] Will I pass my test today. "Outlook not so good." Hey, it does work!
Milhouse: Let me try! Will I get beat up today? "All signs point to yes."
Nelson Muntz: That ball knows everything!
[Hits Milhouse over the head]

"The Simpsons: Fraudcast News (#15.22)" (2004)
Lisa: [auditioning people for her paper] What kind of journalism experience do you have?
Nelson: I dunno. Making nerds cry?
Lisa: Perfect! You can be our TV critic.

"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)
Nelson Muntz: Ha ha! Your distinguished career is over!

"The Simpsons: Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington (#3.2)" (1991)
[the Simpsons enter an American Legion post to see Nelson delivering the end of his "Patriots of Tomorrow" essay]
Nelson Muntz: So burn the flag if you must, but before you do, you better burn a few other things! You better burn your shirt and your pants! Be sure to burn your TV and car! Oh yes, and don't forget to burn your house! Because none of those things could exist without six white stripes, seven red stripes, and a hell of a lot of stars!
[riotous applause]

"The Simpsons: Bart the Murderer (#3.4)" (1991)
Lewis: [covered in leaves] Hey, look at me. I'm Skinner's body!
Bart: That is not funny, Lewis.
Milhouse Van Houten: Well, I heard Skinner's buried under his parking spot.
Richard: Well, I heard he was ground up into hamburger and served to us at lunch.
Nelson: I heard Bart had Skinner killed by gangsters.
Bart: That's not true! It's just a rumor. You're engaged in speculation. I know the law, you can't prove anything.

"The Simpsons: Brother from the Same Planet (#4.14)" (1993)
[Bart's class is having Show and Tell]
Bart: Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.
[Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]
Martin Prince: Hey...
[falls down on the ground, twitching]
Mrs. Krabappel: He's not dead, is he Bart?
Bart: Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.
Mrs. Krabappel: Very good, Bart. Thank you.
Bart: Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.
Mrs. Krabappel: Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.
Milhouse Van Houten: Uh, I have a horsey.
[mimics his toy horse neighing in a slurry way which then trails off]
Nelson Muntz: Wuss!

"The Simpsons: Specs and the City (#25.11)" (2014)
Nelson Muntz: You have one week to give me a valentine.
Bart Simpson: And if I don't?
Nelson Muntz: I will have a heart in my hand. Paper or yours!

"The Simpsons: Little Orphan Millie (#19.6)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: That's not the Milhouse I know.
Nelson Muntz: Ha ha! You know Milhouse!

"The Simpsons: The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (#8.25)" (1997)
Firing Range Instructor: Since you've attended public schools, I'm going to assume you're already proficient with small arms. So, we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.
[hands Bart a grenade launcher]
Bart Simpson: Wow.
[Bart begins firing away at his targets, destroying four. The last grenade flies off into the distance]
Firing Range Instructor: Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target.
Bart Simpson: [slyly] Did I?
[Springfield Elementary. Principal Skinner is standing next to the smoldering crater that was his car]
Nelson Muntz: HA-HA!

"The Simpsons: Mathlete's Feat (#26.22)" (2015)
Superintendent Chalmers: I think it's safe now to put on your mathlete t-shirts.
Nelson Muntz: [Riding a taxi] Wait here.
[Gets off and punches Database on the arm, then gets back on]
Nelson Muntz: To the model UN and step on it. Haw-haw!

"The Simpsons: New Kids on the Blecch (#12.14)" (2001)
Nelson: I can't sing without dancing.
J.C. Chasez, Justin Timberlake, Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick: Fine. Thrust, spin, turn, pivot, pout, jiggy, jiggy, robot, dosido, and close with a Matrix.
Nelson: Nobody pouts going into a jiggy.
Milhouse: Yeah, that's stupid.
Ralph: I want to twirl.

"The Simpsons: Bart Gets a 'Z' (#21.2)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: You know, my dad's more fun when he's had a few beers. Maybe Ms. Krabappel would be more fun if we "Irish up" her coffee.
Nelson Muntz: You mean put blood in it?
Bart Simpson: No, I mean liquor. Now for the easy part. Kids, go get some booze.

"The Simpsons: The Great Simpsina (#22.18)" (2011)
Nelson Muntz: God, if you don't bring my Lisa back safe,
[shakes fist]
Nelson Muntz: ants will burn tonight.

"The Simpsons: Saddlesore Galactica (#11.13)" (2000)
Nelson Muntz: That horse don't take guff from no one!
Jimbo Jones: Guff?
Nelson Muntz: I mean sh-
[Jimbo, Kearney, and Dolph beat Nelson up]

"The Simpsons: Bart the General (#1.5)" (1990)
Weasel #1: Nelson, you're bleeding!
Nelson Muntz: Naw, happens all the time. Someone else's blood splatters on me. Hey, wait a minute. You're right! You made me bleed my own blood!

"The Simpsons: 'Cue Detective (#27.2)" (2015)
Milhouse Van Houten: [about Doctor Doolittle] The running time is 152 minutes.
Nelson Muntz: The running time is now!
[Tries to run for the door, but Groundskeeper Willie hits him with the hose and knocks him back in his seat]

"The Simpsons: Pulpit Friction (#24.18)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: Gentlemen, this fort is now complete, and will last forever.
Milhouse Van Houten: Not even the Nazis can get in here.
Nelson Muntz: I thought we were the Nazis.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XII (#13.1)" (2001)
[Turns Milhouse into a banana]
Nelson Muntz: Stop zapping yourself!
[Turns Milhouse into an ostrich]
Nelson Muntz: Stop zapping yourself!
[Turns Milhouse into Mr. T]
Nelson Muntz: Stop zapping yourself!

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One (#6.25)" (1995)
[Mrs. Krabappel is spraying air freshener in the classroom]
Bart Simpson: Yuck! What reeks?
Nelson Muntz: Smells like one of van Houten's.
Milhouse van Houten: It does not!

"The Simpsons: Stealing First Base (#21.15)" (2010)
Kevin the Blind Boy: Nelson, now that the ban has been lifted, let me touch your face so that I can see how you really are.
[Feels Nelson's face]
Kevin the Blind Boy: Hey, I said your face, not your butt.
Nelson Muntz: Aw, you're comfortable enough to mock me.
[Punches Kevin]
Nelson Muntz: That's for mocking me!
Kevin the Blind Boy: Nelson, your punch has restored my vision! I can see again!
Nelson Muntz: Really?
Kevin the Blind Boy: Ha-ha!
Nelson Muntz: The student has become the master.

"The Simpsons: The Man Who Grew Too Much (#25.13)" (2014)
[Flanders finishes reminiscing about Mrs. Krabappel]
Ned Flanders: Aw, I sure am gonna miss that laugh.
Nelson Muntz: Haw haw! I miss her, too.

The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
[Nelson starts a street race]
Nelson Muntz: Three! Two! A loser says what?
Lisa Simpson: What?
Nelson Muntz: HA ha!

"The Simpsons: Saturdays of Thunder (#3.9)" (1991)
Nelson: [to Bart] Hey, Simpson, where's your Losermobile?
Homer: Losermobile, heh heh heh... wait a minute.

"The Simpsons: $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (#5.10)" (1993)
[Robert Goulet arrives with Bart at his tree-house Casino]
Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the Casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I think I should call my manager...
Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up!
Robert Goulet: Vera said that?

"The Simpsons: The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants (#23.7)" (2011)
Nelson: You're reading a chapter book, for fun! Bullies, come to me!

"The Simpsons: The Lastest Gun in the West (#13.12)" (2002)
Lisa: I'm Annie Oakley!
Nelson Muntz: I'm Kevin Costner in one of his western roles!
Ralph: I'm a gulch!

"The Simpsons: Girly Edition (#9.21)" (1998)
Nelson: Hey, I'm on TV. Fart.

"The Simpsons: Replaceable You (#23.4)" (2011)
Martin Prince: Bully, Bart! Bully!
Bart Simpson: Bully? Where? Is it Nelson?
Martin Prince: No, Bart. It's just an expression.
Bart Simpson: Oh.
[Camera pans to show Nelson in the room]
Nelson Muntz: Who hast summoned me?
[Martin and Bart cower in fear]

"The Simpsons: Bart on the Road (#7.20)" (1996)
[after seeing the movie "Naked Lunch"]
Nelson: I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

"The Simpsons: Lard of the Dance (#10.1)" (1998)
Nelson Muntz: [talking to a group of kids] The thing about huckleberries is, once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned.
[Skinner walks by]
Nelson Muntz: Uh, um... uh, so anyway, I kicked the guy's ass!
[Skinner nods and walks off]
Nelson Muntz: Now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust them with confectioner's sugar.

"The Simpsons: Bart Carny (#9.12)" (1998)
Nelson: You wrecked Hitler's car! What'd he ever do to you?

"The Simpsons: Marge Be Not Proud (#7.11)" (1995)
Nelson Muntz: Shoplifting is victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.