Maggie Simpson
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Quotes for
Maggie Simpson (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Bart Simpson: I want a father who's the same in the morning as he is at night. Oh... what's that word...
Todd Flanders, Rod Flanders: Consistency?
Bart Simpson: Thanks losers.

Homer Simpson: I'll let you hold the bomb...
Bart Simpson: The man knows me!

Ned Flanders: Look at that, you can see the four states that border Springfield: Ohio, Nevada, Maine, and Kentucky!
Bart Simpson: Oh yeah.

Homer Simpson: Okay, son. You have only one chance to throw that bomb through the hole.
Bart Simpson: Dad, in case I don't make it, I'm sorry I said I wish you weren't my dad.
Homer Simpson: I don't blame you, son. I've never been that good of a father. Maybe it all starts with the way my father raised me. Yes, it's all clear to me. It's all just been one long, unbroken chain of...
Marge Simpson: Somebody throw the goddamn bomb!

[Bart puts a black bra on his head]
Bart Simpson: [in the voice of a cartoon mouse] I'm the mascot of an evil corporation!

[watching the credits]
Bart Simpson: [to Homer] Come on, dad, let's go! I've been holding it since they put the dome on the town!

[Bart claps]
Lisa Simpson: What are you doing, Bart?
Bart Simpson: Eh, just passing the time.
[Bart claps, snow repeatedly falls on Homer]
Homer Simpson: Aw, my boy loves Alaska so much, he's applauding it. Lisa, why aren't you clapping?
Lisa Simpson: But Dad!
Homer Simpson: [sternly] Clap for Alaska!
[Lisa claps along with Bart]
Homer Simpson: [Homer is buried under an avalanche]

Bart Simpson: You just bought another load of crap from the world's fattest fertilizer sales man!

Bart Simpson: [poking mutant squirrel's eyes] Jab him-jab him-jab-jab-jab!
Male EPA Worker: Hey! Jab one more eye and it's a federal crime!

Bart Simpson: [blushing] Did you at least bring my clothes?
Homer Simpson: Shirt, socks, everything you need.
Bart Simpson: [covering up privates] You didn't bring my pants!
Homer Simpson: Who am I, Tommy Bahama?
Bart Simpson: [face is completely red, sobs] Oh, this is the worst day of my life.
Homer Simpson: The worst day of your life so far.

Lisa Simpson: [during end credits] It looks like Maggie has something to say!
Marge Simpson: Oh my God! Her first word!
Maggie Simpson: [takes pacifier out of mouth]
Maggie Simpson: Sequel?

Marge Simpson: Bart, are you drinking whiskey?
Bart Simpson: I'm troubled.

Homer Simpson: Homer do good?
Bart Simpson: Actually, you've doomed us all. Again.

Bart Simpson: Boy, you made it! But how?
Santa's Little Helper: [subtitled] I did things no dog should. They will haunt me forever.
Bart Simpson: I love you too.

[Lisa and Colin are separated by the dome and are saying their good-byes]
Bart Simpson: [singing] Lisa's got a boyfriend, that she'll never see again!
[Lisa slugs him out]

Bart Simpson: [drunk] I miss Flanders. There, I said it!

Russ Cargill: [levels a shotgun at Homer and Bart]
Russ Cargill: Hello, Homer.
Homer Simpson: So, we meet at last, whoever you are.
Russ Cargill: There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun, I'm going to do both right now.
Bart Simpson: Wait! But if you kill my dad, you'll never know where the treasure is buried!
Russ Cargill: What treasure?
Bart Simpson: Uhm, the treasure of Ima Wiener.
Russ Cargill: I'm a wiener?
[Homer and Bart laugh]
Homer Simpson: Classic!
Russ Cargill: Well, always leave them laughing. Goodbye, sir.
[Cargill aims the shotgun, right as he is about to fire a boulder falls on him KOing him, the camera pans up to show Maggie]
Homer Simpson: Maggie! What a great little accident you turned out to be!
[Maggie winks and does a hand gun at Homer]

Bart Simpson: [on the blackboard, in the open sequence] I will not illegally download this movie.

Marge Simpson: Despite everything, I miss your father.
Bart Simpson: Me too... his big fat ass could shield us all.

Bart Simpson: You know, we are on the roof. We could have some fun.
Homer Simpson: What kind of fun?
Bart Simpson: How bout a dare contest?
Homer Simpson: That sounds fun. I dare you to... climb the T.V. antennae.
Bart Simpson: [Bart climbs it easily] Piece of cake.
Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the antennae] Earthquake!
[Bart falls off and hangs onto the railing]
Homer Simpson: [starts shaking the railing] Aftershock!
Ned Flanders: Uh, Homer, I don't mean to be a nervis-pervis or anything, but if he falls, couldn't that make your boy a parapleg-a-rino?
Homer Simpson: Shut up, Flanders!
Bart Simpson: Yeah, shut up, Flanders!
Homer Simpson: Well said, boy.

Lisa Simpson: [Lisa and Colin are pressing their hands against the glass] I never thought my life would have an absolutely perfect moment, but this...
Bart Simpson: [sing-song] Lisa's got a boyfriend / That she'll never see again!
[Lisa cold-cocks Bart]

Homer Simpson: All right, boy. Time for the ultimate dare. I dare you to skateboard to Krusty Burger... and back... *naked*.
Bart Simpson: How naked?
Homer Simpson: Fourth base.
Bart Simpson: But girls might see my doodle.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I see. Then I hereby declare you "chicken for life". Every morning you'll wake up to "Good morning chicken!" At your wedding, I'll sing...
Homer Simpson: [clucks the wedding march] Buck-buck-bu-buck!

[Homer and Bart are at a table. We see an interior shot of Homer's mouth as he eats. Bart is angry]
Homer Simpson: Hey, what's with you?
Bart Simpson: You really wanna know?
Homer Simpson: Of course I do. What kind of father wouldn't care about
[sees something]
Homer Simpson: a pig wearing a hat!
[Krusty the Clown is filming a commercial]
Director: Action!
Krusty the Clown: Hey hey! It's your old pal Krusty for my new pork sandwich, the clogger! If you can find a greasier sandwich, you're in Mexico!
[He laughs and then takes a bite of the sandwich]
Krusty the Clown: Mmm!
Director: And... we're clear.
[Krusty spits out the sandwich]
Krusty the Clown: Perfect. Cut, print, kill the pig.
[a saw is held up to the pig. It squeals in terror]
Homer Simpson: [gasps] What? You can't kill him if he's wearing people clothes!
[the pig runs across to Homer, giving him a forlorn look. To the tune of 'Happy Together', Homer briefly imagines himself and the pig dancing in a field. He picks up the pig]
Homer Simpson: You're coming home with me.

Bart Simpson: Look what I did to *your* picture!
[Bart holds up a picture of Homer, on which he has drawn Flanders-style hair, glasses and a mustache]
Homer Simpson: AHHH!
Bart Simpson: Howdily-doodily! Howdily-doodily! Howdily-doodily!
Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
[Homer begins strangling Bart]
Homer Simpson: I'll strangle-angle you!

Bart Simpson: Let us out! Let us out!
EPA Official: Stop that! You'll scratch your shackles!
Bart Simpson: I hope I do!
[rubs shackles on cage, a gas then enters the truck]
Lisa Simpson: Oh way to go Bart!
Bart Simpson: [drugged] You stink.
Lisa Simpson: [even more drugged] No you stink.
[they both pass out]

Ned Flanders: Bart! Crawl across. Hurry.
Bart Simpson: But if they see you helping us, they'll kill you.
Ned Flanders: I'm sure your father would do the same for...
[Bart just stares at him]
Ned Flanders: Point taken. Now, hustle your bustles.

[the wrecking ball dings the truck Marge, Lisa and Bart are in]
Bart Simpson: Did you hear something?
Lisa Simpson: Probably just a moth.
Marge Simpson: I hope it's okay.

Bart Simpson: [drunkenly] Mom?
Marge Simpson: Yes honey?
Bart Simpson: You just bought another load of crap from the world's fattest fertilizer salesman.
Homer Simpson: You'll pay for ruining the golden family moment!
Marge Simpson: Homer!
Bart Simpson: How are we supposed to get to Alaska without any money?
Homer Simpson: Alright, son. If you don't believe me, believe in America!

Homer Simpson: So, who wants waffles?
Bart Simpson, Grampa, Lisa Simpson: I do! I do! I do!
Marge Simpson: What about Grampa?
Bart Simpson: I want syrup!
Lisa Simpson: I want strawberries!
Marge Simpson: Shouldn't we be concerned about what happened in church?
Homer Simpson: I'll tell you what happened. A certain someone had a senior moment, but that's okay, because we love him anyway, and we got a free rug out of it.
[Kisses Grampa on the forehead]
Marge Simpson: What's the point of going to church every Sunday if when someone we love has a genuine religious experience we ignore it? Right, Grampa?
Grampa: I want bananas on my waffles.
Homer Simpson: I rest my case.

Bart Simpson: Dad!
Homer Simpson: What seems to be the problem, officers?
Bart Simpson: Tell them you dared me to do it!
Chief Wiggum: If that's true, then you should be taking the rap here, not your son.
Homer Simpson: And what happens to me if it's my fault?
Chief Wiggum: You'll have to attend a one hour parenting class.
Homer Simpson: It was all his idea! He's out of control I tell ya! Oh, I'm at my wit's end!

Bart Simpson: What do you want, Flanders?

Bart Simpson: Why are you helping me? I'm not your kid.

Bart Simpson: So that's what snug is.

Bart Simpson: You don't know what rough is, sister.

Bart Simpson: Dad, it's not fair to use a bug-zapper to catch the fish.

Bart Simpson: I think fishing might be more fun with you.

Bart Simpson: No way, cocoa's for wusses.

Bart Simpson: Oh my God.

Bart Simpson: Are we having fun yet?

Bart Simpson: Whoa, mama!

Bart Simpson: Huh? You're not strangling me.

Bart Simpson: Hey, what the hell are you? One more time.

Bart Simpson: Oh, yeah!

Bart Simpson: Jabbity, jabbity, jab, jab, jab!

Bart Simpson: Up here.

Bart Simpson: Geronimo!

Bart Simpson: Lisa's got a boyfriend that she'll never see again!

Bart Simpson: I'm troubled.

Bart Simpson: I promise, I'll stop tomorrow.

Bart Simpson: I miss Flanders. There, I said it!

The Simpsons Game (2007) (VG)
William Shakespeare: [fighting Homer and Bart] A plague on both your arses!
Bart Simpson: If it wasn't for the pompous nature of actors, your plays would be long forgotten.

Marge Simpson: Bart! What are you doing next to a video game store?
Marge Simpson: Buying a video game!
[she snatches the game form Bart]
Marge Simpson: This is going to the same place that I put your swimsuit magazines, and BB gun! Homer's underwear drawer.
[she storms off]
Bart Simpson: Oh great, now I've got nothing to play except the games I got yesterday. And I'm totally sick of those!
[the Simpsons Game manual falls on Bart, who picks it up]
Bart Simpson: The Simpsons Game? Hmm... the only Simpsons Game I know is when we pretend Dad isn't an alcoholic. Hey, it's a game about Springfield! With Dad as a character, and Mom, and Lisa... who'd wanna play her?
Bart Simpson: I'm in this game? I wonder what my powers are? Jumping, leaping gliding...
[he turns into Bartman]
Bart Simpson: All right!
Homer Simpson: [appears clutching a gun and a magazine] Hey Bart, look what appeared in my magic drawer. Hey what's with the fruity get-up? If you're planning to come home like that don't bother.

Bart Simpson: You've got video game powers on your side. It's sort of like cheating except... cheating.
Homer Simpson: Woohoo! Cheating!

Lisa Simpson: It's the mother ship!
Bart Simpson: This must be the level boss for this part of the game.
Homer Simpson: The boss! Quick act natural.
[puts on business glasses and pretends to write on a clipboard]

Bart Simpson: It's Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Don't bother crying out in terror. In space no one can hear you scream.
Bart Simpson: We're not in space.
Sideshow Bob: Well, we are on a spaceship.
Homer Simpson: Not the same thing.

Marge Simpson: Bart, what are you doing near a video game store?
Marge Simpson: [gasps] Buying a video game?
Marge Simpson: [gasps] I've heard about this. It's the game where you play a meanie-bo-beanie who murders other meanie-bo-beanies.
Marge Simpson: I'm putting this game in the same place I put your swimsuit magazines, and your BB Gun: Homer's Underwear Drawer.
Bart Simpson: [groans] Oh, Great. Now I have nothing to play except the games I bought yesterday. And I'm totally sick of them.
Bart Simpson: [the Simpsons Game manual falls from heaven and lands in front of bart] The Simpsons Game? Hmm... this is so weird.
[picks up manual]
Bart Simpson: The only Simpsons Game I can think of is the one where we all pretend dad isn't an alcoholic. What could it be?
Bart Simpson: Wait a second, this is a manual for a video game set in springfield!
Bart Simpson: And dad is a character! And so is mom. And lisa... who'd wanna play her? Whoa, I'm in this game! I wonder what my moves are, jumping, floating, oh man I gotta try this!
Bart Simpson: [turns into bart man with heroic pose and wind blowing behind him] Wow, this is the only good book ever written!
Homer Simpson: Hey boy, look what appeared in my magic drawer. Hey, what's with the fruity get-up? If you're planning on coming home like that don't bother.
Bart Simpson: Dad, I'm a superhero now and I have all these awesome powers.
Homer Simpson: Superpowers, huh? Well that's cool I guess. I was gonna go shoot bats while reading swimsuit magazines in this cave. Wanna come with?
[Homer removes lid from manhole, Homer and Bart jump in]

[a panel on a game cartridge opens up, revealing the Simpsons family from the very first Simpsons game ever made]
Homer Simpson: Wow. We look so pixely.
Bart Simpson: And poorly rendered.
Marge Simpson: Which one is supposed to be me?

8-Bit Lisa Simpson: One day, your video game too will be obsolete.
Bart Simpson: No way! The Simpsons Game is awesome! Just because every video game up until now has been destroyed and forgotten doesn't mean ours will be.
Lisa Simpson: Bart, she's right. I mean, I'm right. We're both right. No video game is safe from an industry that's always chasing the hot new thing! Sure, The Simpsons Game is great with it's unique upgradable character abilities, and it's hilarious self referential cut scenes, but what about when the Xbox 720 comes out, or the PlayStation 4? No one will want to play us then.

"The Simpsons: Oh Brother, Where Bart Thou? (#21.8)" (2009)
Marge Simpson: [the power goes out while Bart is playing a video game] A fallen branch must have knocked out the power line.
Bart Simpson: Fine. Then I'll just watch TV.
Marge Simpson: TV runs on electricity too.
Bart Simpson: Then I'll watch a DVD. There's no way that runs on electricity.
[Marge grumbles]
Bart Simpson: Really? Does Obama know about this?

Lisa Simpson: Next, making his runway debut, Bartholomew. The vest is courtesy of Nelson, and the tights are Hello Kitty.
Bart Simpson: Hello Kitty? I thought they were Spider-Man heads! Ew, ew, ew!

Bart Simpson: Oh, my God, I do want a brother.
Lisa Simpson: You can have mine, but he's kinda lame.
Bart Simpson: D'oh!

Homer Simpson: [Explaining why he prefers girls] ... and you don't have to explain how their bodies work.
Bart Simpson: You never explained to me how my body works.
Homer Simpson: Point and shoot.

Bart Simpson: When poking a dead animal, don't go straight for the eyes. Build up to it.

Charlie: [hears rustling in the bushes] It's the Boogieman!
Bart Simpson: There is no such thing as the Boogieman.
Chief Wiggum: [Comes out of bushes] Boogie, boogie, boogie!

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIX (#20.4)" (2008)
Bart Simpson: [Shopping for Lisa] I wouldn't give these to my worst enemy, which happens to be Lisa.

Bart Simpson: Hey, Lis. I think I see one with your name on it.
Lisa Simpson: Well, it can't possibly top your present last year: a box full of your burps.
Bart Simpson: Oh, that reminds me. Here's your stocking stuffer.
[Burps into Lisa's stocking]

Bart Simpson: [Watching two robots fight each other] Finally, a Boxing Day that lives up to its name.

Milhouse: Every Halloween, the Grand Pumpkin rises from the pumpkin patch to give candy to all the good boys and girls.
Bart Simpson: For the last time, Milhouse, I just said that to mess with you. The Grand Pumpkin isn't real!
Milhouse: I apreciate you testing my faith, but it's not necessary.

"The Simpsons: Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo (#10.23)" (1999)
Lisa Simpson: Hey look. There's a cybor cafe opening right here in Springfield. Will you take me dad? Please! I'll show you how to order pizza over the internet.
Homer Simpson: The internet? Is that thing still around?
Bart Simpson: I know a website that shows monkeys doing it.
Lisa Simpson: Bart, the internet is more than a global pornography network, it's a...
[Homer honks his car horn]
Homer Simpson: Come on Lisa, monkeys!
[Lisa groans]

Homer Simpson: Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket.
Bart Simpson: And?
Homer Simpson: Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

Japanese Stewardess: [Seeing Bart playing his Game Boy] I'm sorry, you should not have on any electronic devices.
Bart Simpson: You're the boss.
[Bart turns off his Game Boy, then the plane takes a nose dive]
Japanese Stewardess: [Frantically] Turn it back on, turn it back on!

"The Simpsons: Homerazzi (#18.16)" (2007)
Marge Simpson: It's gone! The photo album was a record of my accomplishments. It was like a resume to a man.
Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry, Mom. You have to let these things go. It's not like we could restage the photos all over again.
Marge Simpson: Restage the family album!
Bart Simpson: Lisa, you fool! You've doomed us all!
[Marge puts a baby bonnet on Bart and shoots a picture]
Bart Simpson: Noooo!

Bart Simpson: Hey, Paris! I saw a disgusting part of your body on the internet. Your face!

Bart Simpson: Look! There's the Rich Texan and his daughter, Paris Texan.

"The Simpsons: Pulpit Friction (#24.18)" (2013)
Bart Simpson: Gentlemen, this fort is now complete, and will last forever.
Milhouse Van Houten: Not even the Nazis can get in here.
Nelson Muntz: I thought we were the Nazis.

Bart Simpson: My dad used to hate church, it's what I loved about him. But now he's turn into a fat version of Flanders. No offence.
Ned Flanders: None taken.

Bart Simpson: But I thought you hated church.
Homer Simpson: For the record, I hated the building, the people in it, and the spirit it represents, I never hated the chruch itself. But I believe in something bigger than me now.
Bart Simpson: The only thing bigger than you now is you tomorrow.
Homer Simpson: Why you little... lamb... Mustn't kill own son, only God can do that.

"The Simpsons: Moe Letter Blues (#21.21)" (2010)
Bart Simpson: Dad, what did mom mean when she said she had to take care of something?
Homer Simpson: Son, I'm something of an expert on women, and if I've learned something is that they never mean anything about anything.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's a very dangerous attitude to have about your wife.
Homer Simpson: Honey, I hear what you're saying.
Homer Simpson: [whispering to Bart] Nothing.

Bart Simpson: [Locking up Apu's kids in a cell at the Civil War fort] You Rebel punks make me sick!
[cracks a whip]
Bart Simpson: This is for what you Graybacks did to our boys at Andersonville!
Lisa Simpson: When cruelty is involved, Bart sure knows his history.

"The Simpsons: Homer Defined (#3.5)" (1991)
Marge Simpson: [Bart and Maggie are playing Monopoly] Bart, don't feed your sister hotels.
Bart Simpson: Don't worry, Mom, there's tons of these things.
Marge Simpson: I think that game is too old for her. Why don't you go play with Milhouse?
Bart Simpson: I don't wanna play with Milhouse.
Marge Simpson: You mean you still haven't made up with him?
Bart Simpson: It's his Mom. She says I'm a bad influence. Come on, Maggie, let's go throw rocks at that hornet's nest.

Milhouse Van Houten: Bart, my mom won't let me be your friend anyore. That's why you couldn't come to the party.
Bart Simpson: What's she got against me?
[pointing at himself, annoyed]
Milhouse Van Houten: She says you're a bad influence.
Bart Simpson: Bad influence my butt! How many times have I told you: Never listen to your mother!
[leaning over the table and pointing]
Milhouse Van Houten: But, Bart, she threatened to cut off my allowance.
Bart Simpson: What ever she's paying you, I'll double it.

"The Simpsons: Four Great Women and a Manicure (#20.20)" (2009)
Maggie Simpson: Throughout the ages, the finger painter, the Play-Doh sculptor, the Lincoln Logger, stood alone against the daycare teacher of her time. She did not live to earn aproval stickers, she lived for herself, that she might achieve things that are the glory of all humanity. These are my terms. I do not care to play by any others. And now, if the jury will allow me, it's naptime.

"The Simpsons: Weekend at Burnsie's (#13.16)" (2002)
Bart Simpson: Dad, I thought you didn't like Lisa's saxophone.
Homer Simpson: I didn't. But now, daddy's special medicine-
Homer Simpson: which you must never use because it will ruin your life- lets daddy see and hear magical things that you will never experience... ever!

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IX (#10.4)" (1998)
Marge Simpson: [after the aliens left] Suckers!
Homer Simpson: [to Maggie] Come on Maggie. Let's go home.
Maggie: [removes pacifier] Very well, I'll drive!
Maggie: I need blood.

The Simpsons Ride (2008)
Sideshow Bob: You've foiled my plans for the last time!
Bart Simpson: You soiled your pants for the last time?

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
Groundskeeper Willy: You're still not in your own world, Homer. You can have the house, but you have to do exactly as I...
[Gets killed by Maggie who hits him with an axe]
Maggie Simpson: This is indeed a disturbing universe.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's First Word (#4.10)" (1992)
Maggie Simpson: Daddy.

"The Simpsons: Moe'N'A Lisa (#18.6)" (2006)
Bart Simpson: Hey, writers! The Da Vinci Code just sold another hundred copies!
[writers moan; Bart laughs]

"The Simpsons: A Star Is Torn (#16.18)" (2005)
Homer Simpson: He's not Cameron anymore. He's Johnny Rainbow.
Cameron/Johnny Sunshine: Uh, Mr. Simpson, about that...
Homer Simpson: I'm not Mr. Simpson anymore, I'm Colonel Cool, and I'm the captain on this rocketship to the moon.
Bart Simpson: So are you a colonel, or a captain?
Homer Simpson: Neiter, I'm both.

"The Simpsons: The Great Louse Detective (#14.6)" (2002)
[Chief Wiggum reveals Sideshow Bob as the criminal who will help catch whomever wants Homer dead]
Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Ahhh! Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, come now. We've been through so much. Just call me Bob.
Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Ahhh! Bob!

"The Simpsons: Barting Over (#14.11)" (2003)
Bart Simpson: I want to be emancipated!
Homer Simpson: Emancipated? Why do you want that? Don't you like being a dude?