Quotes for
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

"The Simpsons: Homer's Barbershop Quartet (#5.1)" (1993)

Additional Voices: Apu, there are rumors that you are a Hindu. Is this true?
Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.

Nigel: [after Apu tells him his full name] Never fit on a marquee, love. From here on, your name is Apu du Beaumarchais.
Apu: It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay.

Apu: [after the Be-Sharps have broken up, Apu goes back to work at the Kwik-E-Mart] Well, it may not pay much, but at least it's good, honest work.
Kwik-E-Mart Customer: How much for this expired carton of milk?
Apu: Twelve dollars!

[as the Be-Sharps re-unite]
Principal Skinner: I can't remember the last time we were all together.
Apu: Last year, on that stupid Dame Edna special.

[the "Baby on Board" lyrics]
Homer, Apu, Principal Skinner, Barney: Baby on Board/How I've adored/That sign on my car's window pane/The bounce in my step/loaded with pep/'cause I'm driving in the carpool lane/Call me a square/Friend, I don't care/That little yellow sign can't be ignored/I'm telling you, it's mighty nice/Each trip's a trip to paradise/With my baby on board!

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"The Simpsons: Eight Misbehavin' (#11.7)" (1999)

Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon: Are you sure you want a child, Apu?
Apu: You know, I do! I mean, there comes a time in a man's life when he asks himself, "who will float my corpse down the Ganges?"
Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh Apu, take me now!
[Apu turns out the bedroom light]
Apu: Oh, Calcutta!

Homer Simpson: Hey Apu. Sitting in the ice cream cooler, ay?
Apu: By chilling my loins I increase the chances of impregnating my wife.
Homer Simpson: Wah-ooh, too much informaaation. Thanks for the mental pictuuure. Why don't you tell us what you reeeally think.
Apu: Would you stop spouting those hackneyed quips?
Homer Simpson: Could you beeee any more...
[pause]
Homer Simpson: Hellooooo...
[laughs]
Homer Simpson: ... Look, just give me some ice cream.
[Apu removes a tub]
Homer Simpson: Um... how 'bout one *not* touching your ass.

[in the Kwik-E-Mart]
Ned Flanders: Well, morning Apu. How are the little blessing?
Apu: Owhh, they're a ravenous sworm of locusts just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling, and two have cradle rash. How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase?
Ned Flanders: [chuckles] They can be a handful... of joy.
Apu: Shut up!
Ned Flanders: They fill your lives with...
Apu: SHUT UP!
Ned Flanders: [quickly] Can't put a price on a miracle.
Apu: I can't believe you won't shut up!

[Manjula and Apu are in the hospital with newborns]
Apu: How did we get eight?
Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon: Apu, I must confess. When we were having trouble conceiving, I took fertility drugs.
Apu: Wooh. I, too, am afraid I'm guilty of monkeying with nature. I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast squishy.
Hibbert: [Using a calculator] Mmm-hmm. Well that would only account for quintuplets. Did anyone *else* slip this woman fertility drugs?
[Homer, Marge, and Bart raise their hands]
Homer Simpson: Mine tasted like strawberry.
[Homer pops one into his mouth]
Homer Simpson: Ovulicious...

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"The Simpsons: Homer and Apu (#5.13)" (1994)

[Apu is shot]
Apu: Ah. The searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying.

[Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu's job back]
Apu: There it is, the world's first convenience store.
Homer: This isn't very convenient.
Apu: Must you knock on everything we do?

Apu: [singing] Whether igloo, hut, or geodesic dome there's no structure that I've been to that I'd rather call my home. When I first arrived you were all such jerks but now I've come to love your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can phyliosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fellow, sorry about the samonella.
Homer: [laughing] That's okay.
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart, now here's the tricky part, oh won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwwik-E-Mart?
Marge: Their floors are stik-e-mart.
Lisa: They made dad sik-e-mart.
Bart: Let's hurl a brik-e-mart.
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'OH!
Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not me!
Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart. Good bye to Kwik-E-Mart. Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not me.
Homer: Everything wrapped up nicely. Earlier than usual.
Marge: I guess happiness is wherever you find it.
Homer: And we've all found happiness. Every one of us.
Apu: [Sobbing]
Homer: What's that sound?
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I do.
Homer: Hey! He lied to us through song. I hate it when people do that.

Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer: You're... selling what, now?
Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
[Slams the door]
Apu: He's got me there.

---

The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)

Lisa Simpson: Mission accomplished, but Bart's still missing and I'm still no closer to finding him.
Apu: Perhaps you should talk to Professor Frink. He seems to know everything... except why I ever came to this jerkwater burg.

Apu: Unless I redeem myself, I will be reincarnated as a sea cucumber. Or worse, a land cucumber!

Apu: I am a lean, mean, vindaloo machine!

---

"The Simpsons: Lisa the Vegetarian (#7.5)" (1995)

Apu: And Paul here wrote a song called "Live and Let Live".
Paul McCartney: Actually Apu, it was "Live and Let Die".
Apu: Whatever, it had a good rhythm.

[Apu reveals the entrance to his secret garden]
Lisa: Wow, a hidden staircase. But what do you do if someone wants a non-alcoholic beer?
Apu: You know, it's never come up...

Lisa: When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy simply eating vegetables, fruits, grains and cheese.
Apu: Oh, cheese!
Lisa: You don't eat cheese, Apu
Apu: No I don't eat any food that comes from an animal.
Lisa: Ohh, then you must think I'm a monster!
Apu: Yes indeed I do think that. But, I learned long ago Lisa to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them. You know you can influence people without badgering them always.

---

"The Simpsons: The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons (#9.7)" (1997)

Apu: Homer, you've got to help me!
Homer Simpson: Okay. Seems to me...
[clears throat]
Homer Simpson: What you oughta do is, um...
Apu: What? What? What? What? What?
Homer Simpson: Well, you could always move into my house and tell your mom that Marge is your wife.
Apu: Is it me, or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies?
Homer Simpson: It's you.

Homer Simpson: You know what you could do, Apu?
Apu: Yeah, shut up.
Homer Simpson: You could fake your own death.
Apu: Oh, would you shut up?
Homer Simpson: All you need is a car bomb and...
Apu: I can't believe you don't shut up!

---

The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh, my! Radioactive squishees!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Yes, yes, I am familiar with the standard hold-up procedure.

---

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Sax (#9.3)" (1997)

[to the tune of the "All in the Family" theme song]
Homer Simpson: Bart was feeling mighty blue,
Marge Simpson: It's asham what school can do,
Apu: For no reason here's Apu,
Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Apu: Those were the days!

Homer Simpson: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played...
Marge: Movies John Travolta made...
Homer Simpson: Guessing how much Elvis weighed...
Homer Simpson, Marge: Those were the days!
Marge: And you knew where you were then...
Homer Simpson: Watching shows like Gentle Ben...
Homer Simpson, Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!
Homer Simpson: Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac...
Marge: Coming out of my eight-track...
Homer Simpson, Marge: Michael Jackson still was black... those were the days!
[later on in episode]
Homer Simpson: Bart was feeling might blue...
Marge: It's a shame what school can do...
Apu: For no reason here's Apu!
Homer Simpson, Marge, Apu: Those were the days!

---

"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)

[Suggestions on how to spend Mr. Burns' $3 million]
Apu: Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.
Chief Wiggum: Crybaby.

Mayor Quimby: Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.
Homer: Get to the money!
Mayor Quimby: In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
Apu: Get to the money!
Rev. Lovejoy: Get to the money!
Grampa Simpson: Get to the moneeey!
Mayor Quimby: Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2million.
Lisa Simpson: Don't you mean $3million?
Mayor Quimby: Of course. How silly of me.

---

"The Simpsons: Behind the Laughter (#11.22)" (2000)

Apu: Yes it's true, I finked on Homer. But you know he deserved it. Never before have I seen such abuse of the take-a-penny-leave-a-penny tray.

---

"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)

Apu: The aspirin is $24.95.
Marge: $24.95?
Apu: I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.

---

"The Simpsons: You Only Move Twice (#8.2)" (1996)

Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels!
[runs off]
Homer: Thank you. Come again!

---

"The Simpsons: Homer the Heretic (#4.3)" (1992)

Rev. Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu. There are seven hundred million of us.
Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super.

---

"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)

Principal Skinner: Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through...
[fade to later]
Apu: ... it was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had...
[later]
Apu: ... one of the most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?
[pause]
Apu: I mean, thank you, come again.

---

"The Simpsons: Simpson Tide (#9.19)" (1998)

Homer Simpson: I've joined the Naval Reserve.
Barney: I'm not going to let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too.
Moe: I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers, I'm joining, too.
Apu: Even though my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey.

---

"The Simpsons: Bart Sells His Soul (#7.4)" (1995)

[after selling his soul, Bart goes to the Qwik-E-Mart, and bumps into the sliding glass door when it fails to open]
Bart: Oof! Stupid automatic door!
[Bart steps back. Rod and Tod walk by, and the door opens for them]
Rod Flanders, Tod Flanders: Thank you, door!
[Bart slips in after them. A few minutes later, he tries to leave, and bumps into the door when it fails to open again]
Bart: [rubbing his nose] This is getting weird...
Apu: [over loudspeaker] Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex. Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex.

---

"The Simpsons: I Love Lisa (#4.15)" (1993)

Homer: Apu, you gotta help me! I need a Valentine's gift for my wife!
Apu: Perhaps this might be appropriate?
Apu: [Apu takes out a box of chocolates in a heart-shaped box]
Homer: Yes! You saved my life. How much?
Apu: One hundred dollars.
Homer: WHAT? That's highway robbery, I won't pay it!
Apu: Oh, I think you will.
Homer: Forget it, pal!
Homer: [Homer starts to leave the store, Apu hums peacefully]
Homer: All right! But I'll never shop here again!
Apu: [thinking] If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost.
Apu: Nickel off on expired baby food.
Homer: Sold!

---

"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)

Apu: I'm gonna party like its on sale for $19.99

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"The Simpsons: Radio Bart (#3.13)" (1992)

[while digging a mine shaft to rescue Bart from a well]
Apu: [gasp] The canary.
Groundskeeper Willie: GAS. OUT OF THE HOLE.
[everyone runs out yelling; above ground, Dr. Hibbert examines the canary]
Dr. Hibbert: Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes.
Groundskeeper Willie: BACK IN THE HOLE.
[everyone runs back in, yelling]

---

"The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (#18.18)" (2007)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: [tests a mattress] Oh! I feel like I'm floating on a river of corpses.

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"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 1 (#6.25)" (1995)

Apu: Where's a gun-toting lowlife when you need one?
Snake: Sorry, I was in the can.

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"The Simpsons: Rosebud (#5.4)" (1993)

Bart: Hey, Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it!
Apu: Ooh, a head bag. Those are chock full of... heady goodness.

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"The Simpsons: When You Dish Upon a Star (#10.5)" (1998)

Apu: Oh dear, you've ruined my work! You flying fat man!

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"The Simpsons: Alone Again, Natura-Diddly (#11.14)" (2000)

Reverend Lovejoy: My friends, life is about change. Just yesterday, Apu was a lonely bachelor.
Apu: Yes, thank God those days are over.
Reverend Lovejoy: And the Van Houtens were enjoying a storybook marriage.
Kirk Van Houten: Yeah, lots of storybooks have witches.
Pyro: Shut up, Kirk!
Kirk Van Houten: Sorry.

---

The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Montgomery Burns: So, you want some of my electricity, do you? Well, for once, the rich, white man is in control. I have two buttons behind my desk. One will provide your town with electricity, the other releases the hounds. Reach me. Make me your brother.
Dr. Hibbert: The generator on the hospital is about to give out. Lives will be lost.
Montgomery Burns: [writing down] Lives... lost. Go on.
Chief Wiggum: We have a convict we're gonna fry tomorrow, but now we can't.
Montgomery Burns: Tempting, tempting...
Apu: Look, all of our reasons mean nothing. Just look inside your heart and you will find the answer.
[Smithers waves frantically and shakes his head no; cut to outside of mansion as screaming and barking is heard inside]
Apu: Aaah!
Montgomery Burns: First door on the right.
Apu: Thank you.
Chief Wiggum, Apu, Dr. Hibbert: [as they run out chased by dogs] Aaah!

---

"The Simpsons: Bart's Inner Child (#5.7)" (1993)

Brad Goodman: Okay, folks, let me hear what's troubling you. Don't be shy, yell it out. Everybody, go!
"Diamond" Joe Quimby: I, uh, can't commit to a relationship!
Montgomery Burns: I'm too nice!
Apu: I have problems with ...
Lenny: [interrupts] I'm always interrupting people!

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"The Simpsons: Much Apu About Nothing (#7.23)" (1996)

[Homer helps Apu study for his naturalization exam]
Homer: [pointing to an American flag] Now, can you identify this object?
Apu: It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the library last year.
Homer: Correct!

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"The Simpsons: Team Homer (#7.12)" (1996)

Apu: The fact that I cannot bowl wreaks havoc with my self-esteem too, hey, but who am I to complain?

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"The Simpsons: Homer the Vigilante (#5.11)" (1994)

Apu: [Camped out on top of the Kwik-E-Mart with a shotgun, taking shots at customers that pull up] Thank you for coming! I'll see you in Hell!

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