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: Are you sure you want a child, Apu? Apu
: You know, I do! I mean, there comes a time in a man's life when he asks himself, "who will float my corpse down the Ganges?" Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon
: Oh Apu, take me now!
[Apu turns out the bedroom light
: Oh, Calcutta!
: Hey Apu. Sitting in the ice cream cooler, ay? Apu
: By chilling my loins I increase the chances of impregnating my wife. Homer Simpson
: Wah-ooh, too much informaaation. Thanks for the mental pictuuure. Why don't you tell us what you reeeally think. Apu
: Would you stop spouting those hackneyed quips? Homer Simpson
: Could you beeee any more...
] Homer Simpson
] Homer Simpson
: ... Look, just give me some ice cream.
[Apu removes a tub
] Homer Simpson
: Um... how 'bout one *not* touching your ass.
[in the Kwik-E-Mart
] Ned Flanders
: Well, morning Apu. How are the little blessing? Apu
: Owhh, they're a ravenous sworm of locusts just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling, and two have cradle rash. How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase? Ned Flanders
] They can be a handful... of joy. Apu
: Shut up! Ned Flanders
: They fill your lives with... Apu
: SHUT UP! Ned Flanders
] Can't put a price on a miracle. Apu
: I can't believe you won't shut up!
[Manjula and Apu are in the hospital with newborns
: How did we get eight? Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon
: Apu, I must confess. When we were having trouble conceiving, I took fertility drugs. Apu
: Wooh. I, too, am afraid I'm guilty of monkeying with nature. I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast squishy. Hibbert
: [Using a calculator
] Mmm-hmm. Well that would only account for quintuplets. Did anyone *else* slip this woman fertility drugs?
[Homer, Marge, and Bart raise their hands
] Homer Simpson
: Mine tasted like strawberry.
[Homer pops one into his mouth
] Homer Simpson
[after Apu's wife Manjula gives birth to Octuplets. Apu has been awake all night trying to put them all to sleep, and has fallen asleep himself
: [Waking Apu up
] Apu, it's 4:00 am, you're late for work. Apu
: [Wakes Up
] Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died. Manjula
: Oh, no you don't. Not 'til they're out of college. Apu
: Listen, I'll die when I want to.
: [two bullies walk out with store merchadise
] Thank you steal again.
: [Apu is wearing a rig of feeding bottles that make him look like a milk-cow
] Welcome to my Hell.
: Oh, wonderful, our problems are over, we have banana bread.
: Banana bread? What were you thinking! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. To make it up to you, here, have a baby.
: If your mother was a vampire, and your father was a Frankenstein, why are you a werewolf? Butch Patrick
: You're right, it doesn't make any sense.
[Apu is shot
: Ah. The searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying.
[Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu's job back
: There it is, the world's first convenience store. Homer
: This isn't very convenient. Apu
: Must you knock on everything we do?
] Whether igloo, hut, or geodesic dome there's no structure that I've been to that I'd rather call my home. When I first arrived you were all such jerks but now I've come to love your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can phyliosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fellow, sorry about the samonella. Homer
] That's okay. Apu
: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart, now here's the tricky part, oh won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwwik-E-Mart? Marge
: Their floors are stik-e-mart. Lisa
: They made dad sik-e-mart. Bart
: Let's hurl a brik-e-mart. Homer
: The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'OH! Homer
: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Apu
: Not me! Homer
: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart. Good bye to Kwik-E-Mart. Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? Apu
: Not me. Homer
: Everything wrapped up nicely. Earlier than usual. Marge
: I guess happiness is wherever you find it. Homer
: And we've all found happiness. Every one of us. Apu
: What's that sound? Apu
: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I do. Homer
: Hey! He lied to us through song. I hate it when people do that.
The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart
: Welcome, my friends. You may ask any three questions. Apu
: Oh that's great because I only have one. Homer
: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart
: Yes. Homer
: Really? The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart
: Yes. Homer
: You? The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart
: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening. Thank you, come again. Apu
: But sir, I! The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart
: Thank you. Come again.
[Homer and Apu are leaving the kwik-e-mart
: Well that was a big bust. Was he really the head of the kwik-e-mart?
: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service. Homer
: You're... selling what, now? Apu
: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment. Homer
: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
[Slams the door
: He's got me there.
: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie.
: Apu, there are rumors that you are a Hindu. Is this true? Apu
: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.
: [after Apu tells him his full name
] Never fit on a marquee, love. From here on, your name is Apu du Beaumarchais. Apu
: It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay.
: [after the Be-Sharps have broken up, Apu goes back to work at the Kwik-E-Mart
] Well, it may not pay much, but at least it's good, honest work. Kwik-E-Mart Customer
: How much for this expired carton of milk? Apu
: Twelve dollars!
[as the Be-Sharps re-unite
] Principal Skinner
: I can't remember the last time we were all together. Apu
: Last year, on that stupid Dame Edna special.
[the "Baby on Board" lyrics
, Principal Skinner
: Baby on Board/How I've adored/That sign on my car's window pane/The bounce in my step/loaded with pep/'cause I'm driving in the carpool lane/Call me a square/Friend, I don't care/That little yellow sign can't be ignored/I'm telling you, it's mighty nice/Each trip's a trip to paradise/With my baby on board!
: The ferry will be here in ten minutes to take us home, then we'll know the truth. Apu
: The truth! Ralph Wiggum
: The roof!
: So it is you, Mr. Homer. I must admit, I was expecting it. A woman her age married to someone... How old are you? Sixty-five? Homer Simpson
: Thirty-nine. Apu
: Dear God! This day gets more and more disturbing.
: I don't know why you listen to Sanskrit 93.7, The Dot? Apu
: I like Mamud, Maheet and Badujin in the morning. No caste is safe from their merry japes. Manjula
: Having a Ma-hot-ma or Ma-not-na contest is not a jape. It's sexist sacrilege. Apu
: Well, you have so much in common: non-stop talk at drive time! Manjula
: Take it back! Apu
: I take it back.
: If only that mark on your forehead was an off button!
: Homer, you are asleep at your post! No go change the expiration dates on the dairy products. Homer
: Yes, sir.
: I won't lie to you: on this job, you will be shot at.
: [after Homer quits working the graveyard shift at Kwik-E-Mart
] He stole, he slept, he was rude to the customers. There goes the best employee a convenience store ever had.
[to the tune of the "All in the Family" theme song
] Homer Simpson
: Bart was feeling mighty blue, Marge Simpson
: It's asham what school can do, Apu
: For no reason here's Apu, Homer Simpson
, Marge Simpson
: Those were the days!
: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played... Marge
: Movies John Travolta made... Homer Simpson
: Guessing how much Elvis weighed... Homer Simpson
: Those were the days! Marge
: And you knew where you were then... Homer Simpson
: Watching shows like Gentle Ben... Homer Simpson
: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again! Homer Simpson
: Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac... Marge
: Coming out of my eight-track... Homer Simpson
: Michael Jackson still was black... those were the days!
[later on in episode
] Homer Simpson
: Bart was feeling might blue... Marge
: It's a shame what school can do... Apu
: For no reason here's Apu! Homer Simpson
: Those were the days!
: You know, Homer, there's $200 in the air conditioning account. Homer
: Oh Marge! Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig? Bart
: Not to mention eating like a pig and dressing like a pig. Apu
: Don't forget the smell. Homer
: Will you get off of my lawn? Apu
: Why don't you make me? Homer
: Why, you...! Oh, forget it.
: Mission accomplished, but Bart's still missing and I'm still no closer to finding him. Apu
: Perhaps you should talk to Professor Frink. He seems to know everything... except why I ever came to this jerkwater burg.
: Unless I redeem myself, I will be reincarnated as a sea cucumber. Or worse, a land cucumber!
: I am a lean, mean, vindaloo machine!
: And Paul here wrote a song called "Live and Let Live". Paul McCartney
: Actually Apu, it was "Live and Let Die". Apu
: Whatever, it had a good rhythm.
[Apu reveals the entrance to his secret garden
: Wow, a hidden staircase. But what do you do if someone wants a non-alcoholic beer? Apu
: You know, it's never come up...
: When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy simply eating vegetables, fruits, grains and cheese. Apu
: Oh, cheese! Lisa
: You don't eat cheese, Apu Apu
: No I don't eat any food that comes from an animal. Lisa
: Ohh, then you must think I'm a monster! Apu
: Yes indeed I do think that. But, I learned long ago Lisa to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them. You know you can influence people without badgering them always.
[Suggestions on how to spend Mr. Burns' $3 million
: Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work. Chief Wiggum
: Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance. Homer
: Get to the money! Mayor Quimby
: In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting. Apu
: Get to the money! Rev. Lovejoy
: Get to the money! Grampa Simpson
: Get to the moneeey! Mayor Quimby
: Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2million. Lisa Simpson
: Don't you mean $3million? Mayor Quimby
: Of course. How silly of me.
: [begins to chant rhythmically
] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
[points at Ned Flanders
] Ned Flanders
: Monorail! Lyle Lanely
: What's it called? Patty Bouvier
, Selma Bouvier
: Monorail. Lyle Lanely
: That's right, monorail!
[runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting
: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
[continues underneath those who speak
] Miss Hoover
: I hear those things are awfully loud. Lyle Lanely
: [playing the piano on stage
] It glides as softly as a cloud. Apu
: Is there a chance the track could bend? Lyle Lanely
: Not on your life, my Hindu friend. Barney Gumble
: What about us brain-dead slobs? Lyle Lanely
: You'll be given cushy jobs. Grampa Simpson
: Were you sent here by the devil? Lyle Lanely
: No, good sir, I'm on the level. Chief Wiggum
: The ring came off my pudding can. Lyle Lanely
: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice! Crowd
] Monorail... Lyle Lanely
] What's it called? Crowd
] Monorail... Lyle Lanely
: Once again! Crowd
: [still singing
: Homer, you've got to help me! Homer Simpson
: Okay. Seems to me...
] Homer Simpson
: What you oughta do is, um... Apu
: What? What? What? What? What? Homer Simpson
: Well, you could always move into my house and tell your mom that Marge is your wife. Apu
: Is it me, or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies? Homer Simpson
: It's you.
: You know what you could do, Apu? Apu
: Yeah, shut up. Homer Simpson
: You could fake your own death. Apu
: Oh, would you shut up? Homer Simpson
: All you need is a car bomb and... Apu
: I can't believe you don't shut up!
: The aspirin is $24.95. Marge
: $24.95? Apu
: I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.
: [Marge has been convicted and is being taken to prison
] With her behind bars our store is finally safe Snake
: [Meanwhile Snake is loading the Kwik-E-Mart onto a flat bed truck
] All right. I'm taking this thing to Mexico!
Krusty the Clown
: Hand over all your money in a paper bag! Apu
: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
: [Homer is cowering behind a stack of cans, having hidden away on seeing "Krusty's" gun
] Please come out from hiding in my merchandise, the chance to prove yourself a hero is long gone.
: Apu, how did you survive? Apu
: As a vegetarian, I did not eat any tainted burgers. And as a convenience store owner, I'm armed to the teeth.
: I can't shoot her. She's Lisa's godmother. Apu
: You can apologize to her in hell. Marge Simpson
: I guess I could.
[Homer helps Apu study for his naturalization exam
: [pointing to an American flag
] Now, can you identify this object? Apu
: It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the library last year. Homer
: All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War? Apu
: Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between the abolitionists and the anti-abolitionists, there were economic factors, both domestic and inter... Examiner
: Wait, wait... just say slavery. Apu
: Slavery it is, sir.
: Oh, my! Radioactive squishees!
: Yes, yes, I am familiar with the standard hold-up procedure.
: Stop, you crazy driver!
: Your speediness will be rewarded in the next life.
: Hey, Apu, you got that new beer with candy floating in it... Skittlebrau? Apu
: No such product exists sir. You must have dreamt it. Homer Simpson
: Well then, just gimme a six pack and a bag of Skittles.
: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau? Apu
: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it. Homer
: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.
: She may have been reincarnated into that baby, or that mouse on the nacho cheese. Ned Flanders
: People are not mice! Apu
: Oh, big surprise. Joe Jesus Jr. here to set us all straight. Ned Flanders
: No one comes back as anything, except for Jesus as bread, and that's it. Homer Simpson
: That's the problem with your religion. Everything's a bummer. Ned Flanders
: Even the sing-alongs? Apu
: No, the sing-alongs are fine.
: Mrs. Simpson, bathroom is not for customers. Please use the crack house across the street.
: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels!
: Thank you. Come again!
: I've joined the Naval Reserve. Barney
: I'm not going to let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too. Moe
: I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers, I'm joining, too. Apu
: Even though my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey.
: Apu, you gotta help me! I need a Valentine's gift for my wife! Apu
: Perhaps this might be appropriate?
[Apu takes out a box of chocolates in a heart-shaped box
: Yes! You saved my life. How much? Apu
: One hundred dollars. Homer
: *What*? That's highway robbery, I won't pay it! Apu
: Oh, I think you will. Homer
: Forget it, pal!
[Homer starts to leave the store, Apu hums peacefully
: All right!
[slaps the money on the counter
: But I'll never shop here again! Apu
] If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost. Apu
] Nickel off on expired baby food. Homer
: I'm gonna party like its on sale for $19.99
: Apu, you have completed the list. You may now move back with your family in your never ending disgrace. Homer
: Wait a minute. You forgot to eat a light bulb. Apu
: Thank you very much, you fat blabbermouth. Sorry, sorry. It's been a rough month. Homer
: [gives him light bulb
] Here you go.
: Don't worry. I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.
[while digging a mine shaft to rescue Bart from a well
] The canary. Groundskeeper Willie
: GAS. OUT OF THE HOLE.
[everyone runs out yelling; above ground, Dr. Hibbert examines the canary
] Dr. Hibbert
: Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes. Groundskeeper Willie
: BACK IN THE HOLE.
[everyone runs back in, yelling
: [tests a mattress
] Oh! I feel like I'm floating on a river of corpses.
: Elton John. Elton John
: That's my name. Well, not really. Apu
: I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but...
[plane flies just overhead them
] Elton John
: That maniac nearly killed us. Apu
: Shall I "Take You to the Pilot?" You see, because that is your song. Elton John
: I hear you. Apu
: Yes, "Somebody Saved Your Life Tonight." Elton John
: Cut it out. Apu
: Oh, well, "The Bitch is Back."
: [while Snake is pointing a rifle at him
] Help! Help! Police! Chief Wiggum
: [his tie is caught in the hot dog roller
] Hey, I got problems of my own right now! Oh boy, this is going to get worse before it gets better.
: Mister Homer, you accidentally left your nuclear plant identification badge in the birthday card aisle. Homer Simpson
: Can't lose that. It's the only good picture of me I have.
: Oh dear, you've ruined my work! You flying fat man!
: My friends, life is about change. Just yesterday, Apu was a lonely bachelor. Apu
: Yes, thank God those days are over. Reverend Lovejoy
: And the Van Houtens were enjoying a storybook marriage. Kirk Van Houten
: Yeah, lots of storybooks have witches. Pyro
: Shut up, Kirk! Kirk Van Houten
: So, you want some of my electricity, do you? Well, for once, the rich, white man is in control. I have two buttons behind my desk. One will provide your town with power, the other releases the hounds. Reach me. Make me your brother. Dr. Hibbert
: The hospital's generator is about to give out. Lives will be lost. Montgomery Burns
: [writing down
] Lives... lost. Go on. Chief Wiggum
: We have a convict we're gonna fry tomorrow, but now we can't. Montgomery Burns
: Tempting, tempting... Apu
: Look, all of our reasons mean nothing. Just look inside your heart and you will find the answer.
[Smithers waves frantically and shakes his head no; cut to outside of mansion as screaming and barking is heard inside
: Aaah! Montgomery Burns
: First door on the right. Apu
: Thank you. Dr. Hibbert
, Chief Wiggum
: [as they run out chased by dogs
: Okay, folks, let me hear what's troubling you. Don't be shy, yell it out. Everybody, go! "Diamond" Joe Quimby
: I, uh, can't commit to a relationship! Montgomery Burns
: I'm too nice! Apu
: I have problems with ... Lenny
] I'm always interrupting people!
: All right, Marge. We'll get your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War Recreation Society I love so much.
[cut to Moe's
: All right, Homer's out. We'll need a new General Ambrose Burnside. Barney
: I'm not too fond of our Stonewall Jackson, either. Apu
: The South shall COME AGAIN.
: [Camped out on top of the Kwik-E-Mart with a shotgun, taking shots at customers that pull up
] Thank you for coming! I'll see you in Hell!
: Then, another bombshell. An anonymous tipster alerted Uncle Sam... that the Simpsons were evading their income taxes.
[cut to a darkened Kwik-E mart, with Apu in the Shadows
: Yeah, I finked on Homer but he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take A Penny, Leave A Penny" Tray.
: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous. Apu
: Hindu. There are seven hundred million of us. Rev. Lovejoy
: Aww, that's super.
[after selling his soul, Bart goes to the Qwik-E-Mart, and bumps into the sliding glass door when it fails to open
: Oof! Stupid automatic door!
[Bart steps back. Rod and Tod walk by, and the door opens for them
] Rod Flanders
, Tod Flanders
: Thank you, door!
[Bart slips in after them. A few minutes later, he tries to leave, and bumps into the door when it fails to open again
: [rubbing his nose
] This is getting weird... Apu
: [over loudspeaker
] Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex. Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex.
: And I say you're a stereotype, spouting buzzwords like some hipster. Jay
: Swipe left on that! Epic swipe left!
[Before the big hockey game
] Bart Simpson
: Good luck, Lis. I'll try not to *hurt* you. Lisa
: That's okay, I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's *head.*
[reveals it on a string around her neck
] Bart Simpson
] Mr. Honeybunny! You inhuman monster! Lisa
: You want a piece of me?
[They start fighting, Apu pulls them apart
: Hey, hey! Save this precious hatred for the game!
: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health? Kwik-E-Mart Customer
: Can I get some jerky? Apu
: Would you like some vodka with that? Kwik-E-Mart Customer
: Oh, what the hell, sure!
: Pre teen braves? Is this another one of those community youth groups that inhibit the culture of those you invaded and destroyed? Marge Simpson
: Exactly the pre teen braves
: [singing to the music from The Nutcracker
] I need a present for my wife / Or I'll have no sex for life / Diamond ring, a vase by Ming / Some kind of useful kitchen thing / I need a store I can break into / Or a place run by a Hindu Apu
: The Christmas rush has cleaned me out / I just have jerky made of trout
: Where's a gun-toting lowlife when you need one? Snake
: Sorry, I was in the can.
: Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it. I can't take this anymore. I can't let that brave man out there die alone. I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you - especially his children. I'm going out there!
[goes out, slams door behind him, then pops his head back in
: It was a baby ox. Moe
: He's right, you know. Principal Skinner
] About the ox? Moe
: About everything, dammit! Hey Homer, wait up. I want to die too. Apu
: If you are going, I am going. Barney Gumble
: Me too!
[everyone assents and leaves
[At the Kwik-E-Mart
] Dr. Hibbert
: [Speaking to Apu
] Marge is right, sugar is not only fattening but it's also terribly, terribly addictive... Uh, is my carton of Pixie Sticks in? Apu
: No, it hasn't come in yet. Dr. Hibbert
: [Pounds his fist on the counter
] Dammit. When they come in you call me at this number. Apu
: [Reads the number Dr. Hibbert gives him
: Here at the Kwik-E-Mart we believe in America. Please do not beat me up anymore.
: Hey, Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it! Apu
: Ooh, a head bag. Those are chock full of... heady goodness.
] Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above Bart
] Don't fence me in. Apu
] Sir you cannot pee unless you are an employee. Homer Simpson
] Can't keep it in.
[Homer kicks in the bathroom door and uses the facilities
: My name is Helen Lovejoy and I'll be playing Stella. Apu
: I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I play Steve. Otto
: My name is Otto. I'm playing Pablo. Lionel Hutz
: Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch. Marge
: I'm Marge Simpson, I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.
[Sinclair takes one and eats it
: Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality? Chief Wiggum
: I would.
: The fact that I cannot bowl wreaks havoc with my self-esteem too, hey, but who am I to complain?
: Manjula, I'm so glad you have finally forgiven me for having that affair.
[Manjula elbows him hard in the stomach
] Apu Nahasapemapetilon
: She used to elbow me in the face!