Comic Book Guy
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Quotes for
Comic Book Guy (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
Comic Book Guy: Ah, videogames, what a waste of money. Now to go online and bid one thousand dollars for a set of Itchy and Scratchy corn-cob holders. Terrific, terrific expense.

Comic Book Guy: I have no time to converse with you, I must be first to register my disgust on the internet regarding the new McBain film. The action was dismal and the nudity was frustratingly fleeting. I barely got going.
Bart Simpson: Quick, to the Fatmobile!
Comic Book Guy: Yes, I suppose. But must we call it that?

Comic Book Guy: If my knowledge of sci-fi movies is correct, which it is, the black car is an advanced probe for the mothership. Now, if you're through, I'm going to spend my last hours on Earth complaining about movies on the internet.
Homer Simpson: The gift of life is wasted on you.
Comic Book Guy: Yes, I recommend you obtain a zombie car. It will protect you well but it runs on human brains, a slight drawback.
Homer Simpson: I've got plenty of those.

Comic Book Guy: I will roll to determine your chances of getting a ride.
Comic Book Guy: I will be there in five turns.

Comic Book Guy: [after hitting something] My car is now NEAR-mint.

Comic Book Guy: We don't have Deflector shields, you know!

"The Simpsons: I Am Furious Yellow (#13.18)" (2002)
[watching a green Homer being taken down by the cops]
Stan Lee: He can't be the Hulk... I'M the Hulk!
[rips his shirt open, growls, and tries to change into the Hulk]
Comic Book Guy: Oh, please. You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby.
Stan Lee: Come on, dammit, change!
[continues to growl and signs]
Stan Lee: Ah, forget it.
[goes back to growling]
Stan Lee: I really did it once.
Comic Book Guy: Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store.
[they go back inside and Stan Lee starts growling again]
Comic Book Guy: Almost had it there.

Bart Simpson: Stan Lee came back?
Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition.

[a police officer has mistaken a green-painted Homer for the Incredible Hulk]
Stan Lee: He's not the Hulk... I'M the Hulk.
[rips shirt, growls and tries to change into Hulk]
Stan Lee: I don't understand, I did it once before.
Comic Book Guy: Oh, please, you couldn't turn into Bill Bixby.

Bart: Stan Lee came back?
Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I'm afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.

Stan Lee: Say, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter?
Comic Book Guy: The term is "courting," thank you. The restraining order says "no-no," but her eyes say "yes-yes."

"The Simpsons: They Saved Lisa's Brain (#10.22)" (1999)
Dr. Hibbert: [Mensa Club is giving a public speech] When are we going to get to my speech?
Comic Book Guy: Quit butting in please. Your IQ is a mere 155 while mine is a muscular 170.
[singing to the Star Trek theme]
Comic Book Guy: I am smart. Much smarter than you. Hibbert!
Professor Frink: You should all do what I do. My IQ is 199 for crying out glaving.
[Accidentally bumps his head]
Professor Frink: 198... 197.
Stephen Hawking: Big deal. My IQ is 280.

Lisa: My family never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd.
Comic Book Guy: We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?
[open his jacket to show off his shirt]
Lisa: [reading the shirt] "C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN".
Lisa: Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.
Professor Frink: Yes, we call that the "Dennis Miller Ratio."

[Comic Book Guy makes a very sarcastic comment]
Lindsey Naegle: Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?
Professor Frink: [looking at the screen of a beeping gadget] Are you kidding? Are you kidding me? This sarcasm detector is off the charts!
Comic Book Guy: [extremely sarcastic] Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. That's a *really* useful invention!
[the sarcasm detector starts beeping frantically and then explodes from overload]

"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Dignity (#12.5)" (2000)
Homer: How much can I get for this?
[He hands the Comic Book Guy a mint condition Joe Dimaggio rookie card]
Comic Book Guy: Well, sir. I'm afraid your card is only worth...
[tips out the cash register]
Comic Book Guy: Everything I've got! Take it!
[he kisses the card]
Comic Book Guy: Oh no, I have smeared it with nacho fingers. I must deftly lick it off.

Comic Book Guy: [eating Peeps] If only real chicks went down this easy.

The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Comic Book Guy: I've spent my entire life doing nothing but collecting comic books... and now there's only time to say... LIFE WELL SPENT!

Marge Simpson: "Eepa." What does that mean?
Comic Book Guy: I believe it was the sound Green Lantern made when Sinestro dropped him in a vat of acid. "Eee-pa!"
Marge Simpson: Yeah. Well, thanks for coming over.
Comic Book Guy: [happily] Thanks for giving me your pregnancy pants; I've never known comfort like this.

"The Simpsons: The Ned-Liest Catch (#22.22)" (2011)
Comic Book Guy: My e-mail account is Ednalover172. It was the lowest number available.

Edna Krabappel: I'm proud I dated all those men.
Comic Book Guy: [shouting from outside the window] I still wear your bra!
Edna Krabappel: Maybe not proud. I'm stuck with it.

"The Simpsons: My Big Fat Geek Wedding (#15.17)" (2004)
Comic Book Guy: I adore Edna. She's near mint and comes from a very limited edition - females who will talk to me.

"The Simpsons: Beware My Cheating Bart (#23.18)" (2012)
Shauna: You just got into a flame war with a teenaged girl.
Comic Book Guy: Flame on!

"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
Comic Book Guy: You may purchase this charming Hamburglar Adventure. A child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is 'fries'.

"The Simpsons: My Sister, My Sitter (#8.17)" (1997)
Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

"The Simpsons: Worst Episode Ever (#12.11)" (2001)
Comic Book Guy: Human contact: the final frontier.

"The Simpsons: The Devil Wears Nada (#21.5)" (2009)
Evil French Guy: [Picking up phone Homer threw out] Nuclear secrets, picture of Lenny... everything I need for my plan.

"The Simpsons: Ice Cream of Margie: With the Light Blue Hair (#18.7)" (2006)
Lisa Simpson: Comic Book Guy, have you seen our mom?
Comic Book Guy: Ohh, a complete list of things I have seen or not seen is available on my blog. Your mother is on the not seen list, along with a Star Wars film that was only good since the first one. And even that has been ruined by CGI additions... Bravo George...

"The Simpsons: The Squirt and the Whale (#21.19)" (2010)
Comic Book Guy: [Wearing a whalebone girdle] Behold, I am Captain Kirk from Star Trek One.
[Girdle gives way]
Comic Book Guy: Two.
[Girdle gives way more]
Comic Book Guy: FIve.
[Girdle gives way more]
Comic Book Guy: Generations.
[Girdle breaks entirely]
Comic Book Guy: Boston Legal.

"The Simpsons: That '90s Show (#19.11)" (2008)
Comic Book Guy: ...And that is why Lord of the Rings can never be filmed.

"The Simpsons: Das Bus (#9.14)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Welcome to the internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer Simpson: [stares blankly for a few seconds] Can I have some money now?

"The Simpsons: You Kent Always Say What You Want (#18.22)" (2007)
Kent Brockman: Excuse me, did you see the six o'clock news?
Comic Book Guy: No, I get my news from the internet, like a normal person under seventy. Farewell, dinosaur.

"The Simpsons: Brother's Little Helper (#11.2)" (1999)
Comic Book Guy: Egad! A maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibleeee... Ghost Rider
Otto: What about Superman?
Comic Book Guy: Oh, please.

"The Simpsons: The Fool Monty (#22.6)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: [to Comic Book Guy, dressed as Wolverine] This isn't a line for a movie. Why are you in costume?
Comic Book Guy: Because you see, I'm afraid of needles, but Wolverine is not.
[retracts claws]
Comic Book Guy: Snikt, Snikt!
[Ice cream truck passes by; Comic Book Guy reaches for wallet but scratches himself with claws]
Comic Book Guy: Ow! Need acceptable currency for delicious treat.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VIII (#9.4)" (1997)
Comic Book Guy: [Glibly walking down sidewalk while reading comic book] But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds!
[the nuclear missile closes in on him]
Comic Book Guy: Oohh, I've wasted my life...
[mushroom cloud]

The Simpsons: Tapped Out (2012) (VG)
Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix!

"The Simpsons: The Computer Wore Menace Shoes (#12.6)" (2000)
Comic Book Guy: Ack. There is no "emoticon" to express what I am feeling right now.

"The Simpsons: The Real Housewives of Fat Tony (#22.19)" (2011)
Comic Book Guy: And how do you know the bride?
Marge Simpson: I'm her sister! And you?
Comic Book Guy: I bought her pool table on Craig's List. Consider yourself slighted.

"The Simpsons: Moms I'd Like to Forget (#22.10)" (2011)
Comic Book Guy: The answer is no, and I can say it in Na'vi and Klingon, which are pretty much the same. I have some theories about that, which I will share with you never.

"Family Guy: The Simpsons Guy (#13.1)" (2014)
[Comic Book Guy watches Homer and Peter walk off into the sunset after they've resolved their differences]
Comic Book Guy: Worst. Chicken fight. Ever.

"The Simpsons: White Christmas Blues (#25.8)" (2013)
Moe Syzlak: I say we greet these newcomers with open arms... and gouge them for all they're worth! Who's with me?
Comic Book Guy: I'm in for some gouging.
Duffman: Duffman is commited to the corporate support of gouging!

"The Simpsons: Lost Our Lisa (#9.24)" (1998)
Lisa Simpson: [Homer is stuck in the top of a cherry picker heading fast downstream in a river towards a drawbridge] Quick, put the bridge down!
drawbridge Guy: Okay, you're the boss.
Lisa Simpson: [the bridge goes down as Homer disappears beneath it] Dad, grab on!
drawbridge Guy: [the cherry picker reappears on the other side of the bridge without Homer, who is then seen flailing his arms and legs with his head stuck in the crevice of the bridge] You said you wanted me to crush him right?
Lisa Simpson: No!

"The Simpsons: Brake My Wife, Please (#14.20)" (2003)
Comic Book Guy: I can't drive 55... because it only goes 38!

"The Simpsons: Three Men and a Comic Book (#2.21)" (1991)
[repeated line]
Comic Book Guy: Friggin' kids.

"The Simpsons: The Homer They Fall (#8.3)" (1996)
Comic Book Guy: Yes, I would like to return your quote-unquote *ultimate* belt.
Clerk: I see. Do you have a receipt, quote-unquote sir?
Comic Book Guy: No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at a Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no need of a medium-size belt.
Clerk: Wow, a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies... gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but no receipt, no return.
Bart: I'll give you four bucks for it.
Comic Book Guy: Very well. I must get back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than receive them.

"The Simpsons: Love, Springfieldian Style (#19.12)" (2008)
Comic Book Guy: That music was against everything punk rock stands for: nothing. You are hereby banned from CBGB, Comic Book Guy's Bar.