Professor John Frink
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Quotes for
Professor John Frink (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)
[Homer's father, Abraham, arrives at his house wearing a diving suit]
Abraham Simpson: I'll save Homer! All I needs is four stout men to work the bellows.
Prof. John Frink: No, pops, it's too risky! For all we know, there could be cubes in there the size of gorillas and other large...
Homer Simpson: [disembodied] Help! I don't have much time.

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what's it like in there?
Homer Simpson: Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
Dr. Hibbert: No.
Lisa Simpson: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Marge Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson: No.
Selma: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Ned Flanders: No.
Selma: No.
Prof. John Frink: No.
Reverend Lovejoy: No.
Chief Wiggum: Yes. I mean, I'm a-I mean, no. No.

Lisa Simpson: Well, where's my dad?
Prof. John Frink: Well, it should be clear to even the most dimwitted individual - who holds and advanced degree in hypothetical topology - that Homer Simpson has stumbled into...
[Dramating lighting]
Prof. John Frink: ... the Third Dimension!
Lisa Simpson: [Turns light back on] Sorry.
Prof. John Frink: Here is an ordinary square...
Chief Wiggum: Whoa, whoa, slow down, egghead.
Prof. John Frink: But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our own universe along the hypothetical Z-axis there.
[All gasp in astonishment]
Prof. John Frink: This forms the three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a frinkahedron, in honor of its discoverer.
Homer Simpson: Help me! Are you helping me or are you going on and on?
Prof. John Frink: Oh, yeah. And of course within we find the doomed individual.
Chief Wiggum: Enough of your borax, Pointdexter! A man's life's at stake. We need action!
[Fires gun at portal]
Chief Wiggum: Take that, you lousy dimension!

"The Simpsons: They Saved Lisa's Brain (#10.22)" (1999)
Dr. Hibbert: [Mensa Club is giving a public speech] When are we going to get to my speech?
Comic Book Guy: Quit butting in please. Your IQ is a mere 155 while mine is a muscular 170.
[singing to the Star Trek theme]
Comic Book Guy: I am smart. Much smarter than you. Hibbert!
Professor Frink: You should all do what I do. My IQ is 199 for crying out glaving.
[Accidentally bumps his head]
Professor Frink: 198... 197.
Stephen Hawking: Big deal. My IQ is 280.

Lisa: My family never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd.
Comic Book Guy: We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?
[open his jacket to show off his shirt]
Lisa: [reading the shirt] "C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN".
Lisa: Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.
Professor Frink: Yes, we call that the "Dennis Miller Ratio."

[Comic Book Guy makes a very sarcastic comment]
Lindsey Naegle: Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?
Professor Frink: [looking at the screen of a beeping gadget] Are you kidding? Are you kidding me? This sarcasm detector is off the charts!
Comic Book Guy: [extremely sarcastic] Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. That's a *really* useful invention!
[the sarcasm detector starts beeping frantically and then explodes from overload]

"The Simpsons: Simpsorama (#26.6)" (2014)
Professor Frink: Professor, y-you're a fellow man of science. Maybe if we teamed up, we could, uh, figure something out.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Okay. Ih, but remember, to me, you're incredibly stupid.

Lisa Simpson: Professor Farnsworth, I'd like to know how you got here. Was it a time machine?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Little girl, time machines are physical impossibilities. We teleported through a singularity that I quantum entangled to Bender under the guise of fixing his collar.
Professor Frink: Yes, but how did Bender get here?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: With a time machine.
Lisa Simpson: But you just said that...
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Sample's ready!

"The Simpsons: Bart's Comet (#6.14)" (1995)
Professor Frink: That comet is headed straight for us, with the fire and the impact and the 100% chance of pain... pain in the glaving!

Professor Frink: Gu'hey, good evening, everyone...
Man in Audience: [stands up and yells] Quit stalling! What's the plan!
Professor Frink: Alright just take your seat, just take your seat.

"The Simpsons: Love Is in the N2-O2-Ar-CO2-Ne-He-CH4 (#27.13)" (2016)
Professor Frink: This chip synthesizes from all the great voices, from Clark Gable, to Walter Cronkite to Rush Limbaugh. I don't agree with his politics, but his body is a natural echo chamber.

Homer Simpson: Just go to yoga classes. That's where all the women are.
Professor Frink: How do you know about yoga classes?
Homer Simpson: I thought it was yogurt class.

"The Simpsons: MoneyBart (#22.3)" (2010)
Professor Frink: Baseball is a game played by the dextrous, but only understood by the pointdexterous.

"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
[the Professor Fink theme song]
Professor Frink: Professor Fink, Professor Fink/He'll make you laugh/He'll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the... person.

"The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (#18.18)" (2007)
Prof. John Frink: [writes something on his note pad] By my calculations we're only one strike away from victory.
[the note pad is shown. It says '3-2=1']
Prof. John Frink: Numbers are fun.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIV (#15.1)" (2003)
[Professor Frink has just re-animated his dead father using mechanical organs]
Professor Frink: All your organs have been replaced with machines, but that doesn't make you any less of a man. Except that you don't have a penis.

"The Simpsons: Flaming Moe's (#3.10)" (1991)
Professor Frink: All right, according to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is... love? Who's been screwing with this thing?

"The Simpsons: Alone Again, Natura-Diddly (#11.14)" (2000)
Reverend Lovejoy: In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with memorable catchphrases, or comical accents.
Willie: Aye.
Captain McAllister: Yar.
Frink: Oh, glaven, why, glaven?
Reverend Lovejoy: But, whether you noticed her or not, Maude was always there... and we thought she always would be.

The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Professor Frink: People, people, I have a very important announcement! I have invented an acid-firing super drill that can cut through anything. It's right there, just out... side the dome.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XV (#16.1)" (2004)
Professor Frink: Let the commencing beginulate!

"The Simpsons: Homer the Vigilante (#5.11)" (1994)
Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror X (#11.4)" (1999)
Lucy Lawless: But I'm sure that once girls get to know the real you, you'll get plenty of dates. Next question!
Professor Frink: Yes, over here, m-hey, m-heyven. In episode BF12, you were battling barbarians while riding a winged Appaloosa. Yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian! Please to explain it!
Lucy Lawless: Ah, yeah. Well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it.
Professor Frink: I see, all right yes. But in episode AG4...
Lucy Lawless: Wizard.
Professor Frink: Ah, for glavin out loud...

"The Simpsons: Mathlete's Feat (#26.22)" (2015)
Professor Frink: And now, someone who really loves math...
Krusty the Clown: Math? I thought they said meth. Drug reference!
Professor Frink: Do you even know what you're here for?
Krusty the Clown: What's to know? They send a limo, I get in, it takes me somewhere, I turn on the news to see what I did.

"The Simpsons: Sweets and Sour Marge (#13.8)" (2002)
Professor Frink: Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the "hoyven," or the "maven," or was it the whole guh-HOYVEE... thing... that I do?

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIII (#14.1)" (2002)
Professor Frink: [From The Fright to Creep and Scare Harms]
[after Homer has gone back into the past]
Professor Frink: I hope he doesn't do anything to ruin the space-time continuum.
[He looks down, his hand has turned into a blender]
Professor Frink: Oh, for flavin out loud.