Carl Carlson
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Quotes for
Carl Carlson (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: The Devil Wears Nada (#21.5)" (2009)
Carl Carlson: Homer, you've hardly had any meltdowns all week, so I'm making you executive assistant.
Homer Simpson: Why can't I keep the job I have now, whatever it is?
Carl Carlson: Easy now, big fella. Either be my assistant, or seek work elsewhere. And in this economy, elsewhere ain't hiring.
Homer Simpson: Very well, I guess I'm at your beck.
Carl Carlson: And call.
Homer Simpson: Nooo!
Carl Carlson: Yeah.

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy: Monsieur Carlson, what has been your favorite thing about Paris?
Carl Carlson: Oh, I really loved the...
[Homer, reading a travel guide, whispers in his ear]
Carl Carlson: ...Louvre. Everything about it is so...
[Homer whispers]
Carl Carlson: ...closed on Mondays.

Homer Simpson: Ye-bonjour!
Carl Carlson: Homer, there's a moth in my room. Where are you?
Homer Simpson: Where I should have been all along. In Springfield.
Carl Carlson: What? You get back to the Eternal City of Lights, or you're fired.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I don't think so. You know that woman you've been playing "hide the baguette" with? She's French first lady Carla Bruni. You fire me, and I'll call Nicolas Sarkozy, and he'll be all over you like Truffaut on Hitchcock.
Carl Carlson: You wouldn't dare!
Homer Simpson: Oh, wouldn't I? Just listen!
[Dials other cell phone]
President Nicholas Sarkozy: [On phone] Allo, you are getting cozy with Sarkozy.
Carl Carlson: All right, Homer, you win. Give Marge my best.
Homer Simpson: I will, but first, I'll be giving her mine.

Homer Simpson: See? He hasn't changed a bit.
Carl Carlson: [On P.A] Yes I have, in ways you are only beginning to suspect.

"The Simpsons: Pygmoelian (#11.16)" (2000)
Moe: Am I really that ugly?
Carl: Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat?
Moe: Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought!
[He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer start sobbing]
Carl: [to camera] See, this is why I don't talk much.

Moe: Aw, c'mon, look at me. I'm a gargoyle. What with the cauliflower ear, there, and the lizard lips...
Carl: Little rat eyes...
Homer: Caveman brow...
Lenny: Don't forget that fish snout.
Moe: Okay, I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at.
Lenny: Or listen to.
Carl: Or be with.

Moe: Plastic surgery, huh? Eh, maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser.
Carl: Oh, I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside, but you still might feel bad in the inside.
Moe: But I'd look good on the outside, right?
Carl: Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.
Moe: Plastic surgery it is!

Carl: So, Lenny, how are things working out with you and that girl next door.
Lenny: Eh, it's over. She got a window shade.

The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Marge Simpson: Homer, you have to go out there, face that mob, and apologize for what you did.
Homer Simpson: I would, but I'm afraid if I open the door, they'll take all of you!
Carl: No we won't. We just want Homer!
Homer Simpson: Well, maybe not you, but they'll kill Grandpa!
Grampa: I'm part of the mob!

Mayor Quimby: I hereby declare a state of emergency: Code Black.
Lenny: Black? That's the worst color there is.
[Lenny turns to Carl, his black friend]
Lenny: No offense there, Carl.
Carl: I get it all the time.

Carl: If someone distracts Cargill, the rest of us can climb up that thing.
Lenny: But who would be dumb enough to stay here while we escape with our lives?
Cletus: Ahem... My time to shine!

"The Simpsons: Mountain of Madness (#8.12)" (1997)
Lenny: We made it. And it's all thanks to teamwork.
Carl: Yeah, *my* teamwork.

Lenny: Did you hear something?
Carl: No.
Lenny: Hmm. Did I?
Carl: I don't know!

Carl: According to the map the cabin should be right here.
Lenny: Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them, uh, metaphorical things.
Carl: Oh yeah, yeah. Like, maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us created by our goodwill and teamwork.
Lenny: Oh.
Lenny: They said there'd be sandwiches.

"The Simpsons: Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder (#11.6)" (1999)
Lenny: Hey Carl, check out the overhead scoreboard.
Carl: [laughs] Poo... Ah, Homer. What whacky name do you want?
Homer Simpson: Are poo and ass taken?
Carl: Yeah.
Homer Simpson: Damn! Could my life get any worse?
[Burns appears on Homer's bowling ball]
Montgomery Burns: Simpson! Duhf, even for a bowler you're fat.
Homer Simpson: Hey guys, is it normal to see Burns' face on a bowling ball?
Lenny: Nnh, actually I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode.
Homer Simpson: Ugh, what a rotten day!
[Homer rolls a strike]
Lenny: Wow, a strike. Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I taking these?
[Lenny throws out his pills]

[after Homer bowls another strike]
Lenny: Hey Homer, that's four strikes in a row! You've got a perfect game going.
Homer Simpson: Really?
Carl: Careful what you say Lenny, you'll jinx him.
Lenny: Oh, right, sorry.
Lenny: Miss! Miss!... Sorry, I was calling the waitress...
[talking to waitress]
Lenny: Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke.
Homer Simpson: Lenny!
Lenny: What? I paid seven-ten for this split.
Carl: Would you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad?
Lenny: Hey, spaaare me your gutter mouth.
[Lenny gets hit in the groin with Homer's bowling ball]

Lenny: [Homer is on his way to bowling a perfect game. Lenny calls the waitress as Homer is about to roll the ball] Miss! Miss!
[Homer looks back at Lenny]
Lenny: Sorry. I was calling the waitress.
[Homer looks back to the pins]
Lenny: Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke.
[Waitress takes banana split]
Homer: [Homer looks back at Lenny] Lenny...
Lenny: What? I paid $7.10 for this split.
Carl: Would you at least call it a banana split, you dumwad?
Lenny: Hey, spare me your gutter-mouth
[Homer throws the bowling ball at Lenny. Lenny groans in pain]

"The Simpsons: The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson (#9.1)" (1997)
Lenny: Hey, let's go to the girls college!
Carl: No! Playboy Mansion, Playboy Mansion!
Homer Simpson: It's my car, and I say we're going to the Lost City of Gold!
Barney Gumble: [angry] Oh, that's just drunk talk!
Barney Gumble: Sweet, beautiful drunk talk...

[Homer, Lenny, and Carl are drunk]
Lenny: Hey, let's go to the girl's college.
Carl: No, the Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion.
Homer Simpson: Shut up. It's my car and I say we're going to the lost city of gold.

Homer, Lenny, Carl: [drunk and singing] Dada dada dada dada dada, Macarena. HEY MACARENA!

"The Simpsons: American History X-cellent (#21.17)" (2010)
Lenny Leonard: Things have changed in the outside while you were gone. Wealthy people can beat the system now.
Carl Carlson: They don't have parking meters anymore. Now there's a little thing you swipe your credit card into.
Homer Simpson: The war is over and the future won. Past never even had a chance, man.

Carl Carlson: Here's you spare ribs, Mr. Burns. Just like you ordered it.
Mr. Burns: Spare ribs, eh? I've played a round of tenpins in my day, and to me, spare reeks of second best. Get me ten frames of strike ribs at once! And you, call my doctor and ask him why I would ask for something so absurd as strike ribs.
Lenny Leonard: Yes, sir.

Carl Carlson: Say, Lenny. Care for some Chateau La Mondotte St. Emilion?
Lenny Leonard: That's a regular size bottle. I'm drinking Jeroboams.
Homer Simpson: I'm drinking Melchizedeks!
Lenny Leonard: Homer, that's a $60,000 bottle.
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo! I'm drinking my salary!
Carl Carlson: Wait a minute. Doesn't some of that go to taxes?
Homer Simpson: Hey, you're right.
[Pours wine on floor]
Homer Simpson: Stupid government, taking my hard earned stolen wine and making me spill it on the floor.
Lenny Leonard: I hear that!

"The Simpsons: She of Little Faith (#13.6)" (2001)
Lisa Simpson: Lenny and Carl? You guys are Buddhist?
Carl: Oh, yeah. If I didn't have inner peace, I'd go completely psycho on all you guys all the time.
Lisa Simpson: Well, I'm looking for a new faith, one that isn't so materialistic.
Richard Gere: Well, you've come to the right place. Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire.
Lisa Simpson: Richard Gere?
Lenny: Ooh! The world's most famous Buddhist.
Richard Gere: Well, what about the Dalai Lama?
Carl: You know, the fourteenth incarnation of the Buddha Avalokesvara?
Lenny: Who's Buddha?
Richard Gere: It's a good thing Buddhism teaches freedom from desire, 'cause I've got the desire to kick your ass.

[Lenny and Carl are meditating]
Lenny: Who... likes... short shorts?
Carl: I... like... short shorts.

"The Simpsons: King Size Homer (#7.7)" (1995)
[trying to get out of work]
Homer: Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this?
Carl: He's at home on disability.
Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they just sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity.
Homer: Stupidity, eh?

[Homer's computer is flashing the words "explosion imminent"]
Homer Simpson: "Explosion imminent?"
[scrolls back through text, sees gas wasn't vented]
Homer Simpson: Oh my God! The plant's gonna explode!
[at the nuclear power plant, where Lenny and Carl are walking past the rumbling tank]
Carl: Hey, that thing's going kaka cuckoo.
Lenny: Who cares? It's Homer's problem.
Homer Simpson: Wait, I know:
Homer Simpson: vent gas.
[reads screen]
Homer Simpson: "Pressure too high?" "Tank must be shut down manually?"
[to drinking bird]
Homer Simpson: Oh, stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge!
[he briefly yanks it]
Homer Simpson: Oh, who am I kidding? This is all my fault!

"The Simpsons: Homer Loves Flanders (#5.16)" (1994)
Homer: This is Ned Flanders, my friend!
Carl: What'd he say?
Lenny: I dunno, something about being gay.

Lenny: [Homer and Flanders are entering the football stadium parking lot. Not wanting to be seen with Flanders, Homer pushes him down in his seat, making it look like the car is driving itself] Hey look, Homer's got one of those robot cars
[seconds later, Flanders crashes]
Carl: One of those *American* robot cars

"The Simpsons: The Strong Arms of the Ma (#14.9)" (2003)
Moe: Well the only way I can recoup from this is...
[takes out a can of gas, pours it all over his bar, and throws and lighted match on it]
Carl: Um, aren't you supposed to get insurance first?
Moe: Oh crap.

"The Simpsons: My Big Fat Geek Wedding (#15.17)" (2004)
Carl Carlson: We're your buddies! Now come on Homer's kid's principal, have a beer!

"The Simpsons: Love Is a Many Strangled Thing (#22.17)" (2011)
Carl Carlson: [Trying to shoot down Mr. Burns' hot-air balloon] I can't do it. A balloon saved my arteries, I couldn't shoot down his cousin.

"The Simpsons: Weekend at Burnsie's (#13.16)" (2002)
[At Moe's]
Lenny: It's a good thing you stopped smoking the magic grass, Homer. You were getting spaced out.
Carl: Yeah, we were planning an intervention, but I got alcohol poisoning that night.

"The Simpsons: 'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky (#14.16)" (2003)
Lenny: Hey, what happened? It's bright in the middle of the night.
Carl: You know what this reminds me of. My Icelandic boyhood.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror III (#4.5)" (1992)
Carl: Hey, I hear we're going to Ape Island.
Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.
Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?
Carl: Apes, but they're not so big.

"The Simpsons: Secrets of a Successful Marriage (#5.22)" (1994)
Homer: [playing poker, gagging and coughing up poker chips] Ew! Don't try to eat these so called "chips".
Moe: Are you gonna take some cards, or not?
Homer: Oh... heh, yeah.
[takes four cards]
Homer: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Er, I mean, "woohoo".
Moe: I'm in.
Lenny: I'm in.
Carl: I'm in.
Barney: I'm in.
Homer: Aww, I was bluffing.
[lays out cards]
Moe: Ha, ha, ha! Come to papa!
[takes chips and looks at cards]
Moe: What? You have a straight flush, Homer! Ya do this *every* time! Arrrgh-eeengh-gah! Choking on my own rage here!

"The Simpsons: Margical History Tour (#15.11)" (2004)
Carl Carlson: We'll never forget you, Pocahontas.
Lisa Simpson: Sacagawea!
Carl Carlson: Gesundheit.

"The Simpsons: Whiskey Business (#24.19)" (2013)
Carl: Capital City has a twin?
Lenny Leonard: It moved to California to become a star, but it just ended up turning into Glendale.

"The Simpsons: Boy Meets Curl (#21.12)" (2010)
Lenny Leonard: Date Night: It's the embalming fluid that keeps the mummy of a marriage fresh after the heart and brain have been pulled out through the nose.
Carl Carlson: I never should've given you that Egyptology book.

"The Simpsons: Ice Cream of Margie: With the Light Blue Hair (#18.7)" (2006)
[Lenny's and Carl's popsicle stick likenesses are smashed together]
Lenny Leonard: Look at this! I can't tell where Carl ends and I begin!
Carl Carlson: See? It's statements like that that make people think we're gay!

"The Simpsons: The Great Wife Hope (#21.3)" (2009)
Carl Carlson: Men fighting animals in an arena. Just like the ancient Romans.
Lenny Leonard: Yeah, except their empire collapsed.

"The Simpsons: Homer's Enemy (#8.23)" (1997)
Carl: [after Homer wins a contest, much to Grimes' shock] Way to go, Homer!
Lenny: You're number one, Homer!
Frank Grimes: But this was a contest for CHILDREN!
Lenny: Yeah! And Homer beat their brains out!
[the audience applauds]

"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Patty and Selma (#6.17)" (1995)
Carl: Quit drowning in self-pity and come get drunk with us.

"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Homer (#5.9)" (1993)
Lenny: With a woman working here, we won't be able to spit on the floor anymore.
Carl: And we won't be able to take our pants off when it gets really hot.
Homer: And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain...
[receives stares]

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVII (#18.4)" (2006)
Kent Brockman: It's blob rule in the streets of Springfield, and if that weren't bad enough, we're also being attack by a 50-foot Lenny.
Lenny: Homer gets more attention than me.
Carl: [unseen] I still like you.
Lenny: Thanks, invisible Carl.

"The Simpsons: A Star Is Torn (#16.18)" (2005)
Milhouse: [singing] When a man loves a woman...
Lenny: Which one are you? The man or the woman?
Carl: Nice one, dude.

"The Simpsons: Once Upon a Time in Springfield (#21.10)" (2010)
Montgomery Burns: We have to cut costs.
Lenny Leonard: But we have way more expensive unnecessaries than donuts.
Carl Carlson: Yeah, like the ceiling furniture.
Lenny Leonard: And all the joke ID badges we ordered.
Montgomery Burns: No donuts!
Lenny Leonard: No!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Carl Carlson: Nuts!
Montgomery Burns: Exactly!

"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
Carl Carlson: [at a wishing well] I wish for world peace.
Barney Gumble: I wish for world war.
Carl Carlson: Hey, that is cooler.

"The Simpsons: Behind the Laughter (#11.22)" (2000)
Carl: Bart was always blowing his spare cash by paying us to kiss each other.
Lenny: Did we ever get that money?
Narrator: But interracial homoeroticism was only chapter one of Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.

"The Simpsons: Take My Wife, Sleaze (#11.8)" (1999)
Homer Simpson: The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order.
Ned Flanders: I move to reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all
Ned Flanders: , we don't wanna *go* to hell.
Lenny: How 'bout The Devil's Pals.
Ned Flanders: [nervously chuckles] Nuh-no... see...
Moe Szyslak: How about the Christ punchers?
Ned Flanders: The Chri...! I-I don't think you understand my objections.
Homer Simpson: I'm the president and the decision is mine. We're Hell's Satans. Besides, I already made our club jackets.
[Homer hold up a jacket with Hell's Satans imprinted on the back]
Lenny: Ooo, machine wash warm.
Carl: Tumble dry... Oooh lah lah.

"The Simpsons: Specs and the City (#25.11)" (2014)
Carl Carlson: I always thought your name was spelled Simsun.
Homer Simpson: You don't know how to spell my name? Don't you ever look up at the sky?
[They look through a skylight; The Simpsons title appears through the clouds]
Carl Carlson: I was wondering what that was.

"The Simpsons: The Frying Game (#13.21)" (2002)
Lenny: If you ask me, Muhammad Ali, in his prime, was much better than anti-lock brakes.
Carl: Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?
Moe: Oh, I cannot listen to this again!

"The Simpsons: The Bart of War (#14.21)" (2003)
Carl Carlson: Carl:
[Watching the riot]
Carl Carlson: I don't remember this much bad blood when I was a Cavalry kid.
Lenny Leonard: I was a pre teen brave!
[He hurls a chair at him]
Carl Carlson: I sang at your wedding!
Lenny Leonard: Yeah, "The best is yet to come", real original!
[hurls another chair at him]

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XII (#13.1)" (2001)
Carl: You know, I was hexed by a troll once and a leprechaun cured that right up.
Lenny: Hey, you know what's even better is Jesus. He's like six leprechauns!
Carl: Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Go with the leprechaun.

"The Simpsons: And Maggie Makes Three (#6.13)" (1995)
Carl: Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell.

The Simpsons: Tapped Out (2012) (VG)
Krusty the Clown: All right, I finished your dumb ride. Up you go.
Carl Carlson: Oh, I never ride Viking Boats. Not with my stomach. I just wanted to make you build one.
Krusty the Clown: I said, GET ON THE BOAT.
Lenny Leonard: Are you aiming a gun at us?
Krusty the Clown: I sure am. And I'm prepared to use it. Maybe even make jokes about it. Or the organization that lobbies on behalf of it.
Carl Carlson: Look, shoot us if you want. But don't make a joke at the NRA's expense. They can't take it, and I don't want to listen to their whining.
Krusty the Clown: Yeah, you'd think people with guns would have a thicker skin. But you're still getting on that boat.

"The Simpsons: Homer at the Bat (#3.17)" (1992)
[Homer unveils the Wonder Bat to Lenny and Carl. They are less than impressed]
Lenny: Yeah, well, I've got a magic bat, too!
Carl: And I got an enchanted jock strap!

"The Simpsons: Last Exit to Springfield (#4.17)" (1993)
Carl: Welcome, brothers of Local 643. As you know, our president, Chuckie Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately. We're all prayin' he'll turn up soon, alive and well.
[everyone laughs]
Carl: All right, all right. But seriously, we have to vote on Burns' new contract. It's basically the same deal, except we get a free keg of beer for our meetings.
[everyone cheers]
Carl: In exchange for that, we have to give up our dental plan.
[Everyone cheers and rushes over to the beer keg. Lenny pours a beer]
Lenny: So long, Dental Plan!
[Lenny's and Marge's words keep repeating in Homer's head]
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
[Charlie drops a pencil into Homer's butt crack]
Carl: Bullseye!
Homer: Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I've lost my train of thought.
[back to Homer's mind]
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Homer: [finally realizing] If we give up our dental plan... I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces!

"The Simpsons: A Tale of Two Springfields (#12.2)" (2000)
Lenny: There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people.
Carl: I don't know, vengeance is pretty good.

"The Simpsons: Wild Barts Can't Be Broken (#10.11)" (1999)
[Homer, Lenny, and Carl are drunk]
Lenny: Hey, let's go to the little league diamond and drive around the bases.
Carl: No, the Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion.
Homer Simpson: Shut up. It's my car and I say we're going to the lost city of gold.

"The Simpsons: Hungry Hungry Homer (#12.15)" (2001)
Homer: Dancing away my hunger pain... moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt... I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way...
Moe: Jeez, Homer's losing it already.
Carl: Yeah but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile.

"The Simpsons: The Man in the Blue Flannel Pants (#23.7)" (2011)
Carl: Wow, everyone from the nuclear plant is here. Except the bosses, of course.
Lenny: Yeah. Not even Homer would be stupid enough to invite...
Mr. Burns: So this is the famous party?

"The Simpsons: The Saga of Carl (#24.21)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Tell us where the money is or we'll feed you shark meat fermented in its own urine.
Carl Carlson: No! Anything but the inedible food of my native people!

"The Simpsons: Brake My Wife, Please (#14.20)" (2003)
[Marge drives Homer, Carl and Lenny home from a strip club]
Lenny Leonard: Can we stop for ice cream?
Carl Carlson: Homer always stops for ice cream.
Marge Simpson: We'll see.
Lenny Leonard: That always means no.

"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Alien: I bring you love.
Lenny: It's bringing love, don't let it get away!
Carl: Break its legs.
[everyone starts to advance on the alien]
Lisa: Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien.
[Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns in a twisted and disoriented state]
Mr. Burns: [in a high-toned voice] Hello, children. I bring you love.
Willy: Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it!
Smithers: It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns!
Willy: Aww, it's Mr. Burns! KILL IT! KILL IT!