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Quotes for
Superintendent Chalmers (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)
Ned Flanders: Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful day.
Superintendent Chalmers: "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion.

Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, I have had it, I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children!

Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour.
Principal Skinner: Hmm?
Superintendent Chalmers: You're fired!
Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, did... did you just call me a liar?
Superintendent Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Principal Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.

Superintendent Chalmers: I've had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...


"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
[Superintendant Chalmers sees Principal Skinner's kitchen on fire]
Superintendant Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Principal Skinner: The Aurora Borealis?
Superintendant Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Principal Skinner: Yes.
Superintendant Chalmers: May I see it?
Principal Skinner: No.

Principal Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.
Superintendant Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Principal Skinner: Oh, no, I said, "steamed hams." That's what I call hamburgers.
Superintendant Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams.
Principal Skinner: Yes, it's a regional dialect.
Superintendant Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?
Principal Skinner: Uh, upstate New York.
Superintendant Chalmers: Really. Well, I'm from Utica and I never heard anyone use the phrase, "steamed hams."
Principal Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no; it's an Albany expression.
Superintendant Chalmers: I see.
[Chalmers takes a bite of the "steamed ham"]
Superintendant Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Principal Skinner: Oh, no, patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe.
Superintendant Chalmers: For steamed hams.
Principal Skinner: Yes
Superintendant Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.
[shows Skinner the grill marks]
Principal Skinner: Uh... you know... one thing I sh -... 'scuse me for one second.


"The Simpsons: Grade School Confidential (#8.19)" (1997)
Chief Wiggum: [Principal Skinner, demanding that his relationship with Mrs. Krabappel be respected, exits the school with what looks like a bomb strapped to his chest] Wait a minute... that isn't a bomb! Those are hot dogs! Armor hot dogs!
Superintendent Chalmers: [shaking his head] What kind of man wears Armor hot dogs?

Superintendent Chalmers: I'm a public servant, Seymour, I'm not allowed to use my own judgement in any way whatsoever.


"The Simpsons: The Principal and the Pauper (#9.2)" (1997)
Superintendant Chalmers: Good lord! The rod up that man's butt, must have a rod up its butt!

Superintendant Chalmers: Now let's clear this up. Who exactly are you?
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army.
Principal Skinner: It's true. I was in his platoon. But, they said you were killed on that scouting mission.
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp, I was sold to China for slave labor. And since '77 I've been making sneakers at gunpoint in a sweatshop in Boo-Haun.
Marge Simpson: That's not a funny story.
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Well, I guess you had to be there.


"The Simpsons: How the Test Was Won (#20.11)" (2009)
Principal Seymour Skinner: Brilliant plan sending the all the underachievers to Capital City until the day after the test.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, *all* of them. Why, Seymour, I believe I left my sunglasses in the bus.
Principal Seymour Skinner: Well, I'd best retrieve them.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, you'd best.
[as Skinner enters the bus, Chalmers motions Otto to close the door]
Principal Seymour Skinner: Uh, sir?
Superintendent Chalmers: So long, superstars!

Lisa Simpson: 96%? What did I get wrong?
Superintendent Chalmers: Several questions.
Lisa Simpson: Several? That's more than a few, and almost a bunch.


"The Simpsons: Mathlete's Feat (#26.22)" (2015)
Superintendent Chalmers: I think it's safe now to put on your mathlete t-shirts.
Nelson Muntz: [Riding a taxi] Wait here.
[Gets off and punches Database on the arm, then gets back on]
Nelson Muntz: To the model UN and step on it. Haw-haw!

Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner, you did connect all the computers to surge protectors, right?
Principal Skinner: Yes, power strips.
Superintendent Chalmers: You fool! All surge protectors are power strips but not viceversa!


"The Simpsons: The Ned-Liest Catch (#22.22)" (2011)
Edna Krabappel: So I get paid to do nothing all day?
Principal Seymour Skinner: I'm afraid it's not that simple.
Superintendent Chalmers: Who's in charge of this meeting, Skinner?
Homer Simpson: [whispers to Marge] I thought I was.

Superintendent Chalmers: Now to turn on this malfunctioning air conditioner.
[White clumps fall out of air conditioner]
Edna Krabappel: Is that ice?
Superintendent Chalmers: No, spider egg sacs.
[Spiders hatch and crawl into mouth of sleeping man]
Superintendent Chalmers: He's a science teacher. He'll know what to do.


"The Simpsons: A Test Before Trying (#24.10)" (2013)
Superintendent Chalmers: I hate waiting. That's why I don't order risotto.
Principal Skinner: Not even mushroom risotto?
Superintendent Chalmers: What do you think?


"The Simpsons: Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words (#20.6)" (2008)
Superintendent Chalmers: I'm a bit of a crossword head myself. They help me relax after a day of having to deal with... Skinner!
Principal Seymour Skinner: You called?
Superintendent Chalmers: Made reference.
Principal Seymour Skinner: My mistake.


"The Simpsons: The DeBarted (#19.13)" (2008)
Superintendent Chalmers: Now that we have a man on the inside, we'll put Bart Simpson away from a long, long time.
Principal Skinner: By long, the most we can give him is five days suspension.
Superintendent Chalmers: That's long for a kid.


"The Simpsons: The Old Man and the 'C' Student (#10.20)" (1999)
Bart Simpson: Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball state, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?
[Bart is about to say something when Skinner Quickly puts his hand over his mouth]
Principal Skinner: Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of Community Service.
[the children walk offstage, groaning and moaning]
Ralph: Intercourse?
Superintendent Chalmers: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.
[Bart looks at Skinner, and Skinner waves his hands "no"]


"The Simpsons: Blazed and Confused (#26.7)" (2014)
Superintendent Chalmers: And the bad teacher coming to Springfield Elementary is... May God have mercy on our souls. Everybody pray.
Principal Skinner: But this is a public school.
Superintendent Chalmers: I said pray!


"The Simpsons: The Blue and the Gray (#22.13)" (2011)
Moe Szyslak: Excuse me, is this the seminar where you learn how to pick up chicks?
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, we're certainly not here to learn how to fold napkins.
Ned Flanders: Looks like I came in here for nothing.


"The Simpsons: Marge Simpson in 'Screaming Yellow Honkers' (#10.15)" (1999)
Chalmers: Well, Seymour, it seems we've put together a baseball team, and I'm wondering, who's on first, eh?
Principal Skinner: Not the pronoun, but rather a player with the unlikely name of "Who" is on first.
Chalmers: Well that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds and you've already managed to blow the routine.
[Chalmers storms off]
Chalmers: [muttering under his breath] Sexless freak.


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#7.1)" (1995)
Seymour Skinner: Now, I did, I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. After the meeting, I rushed to the bathroom to apply my camoflauge make-up...
[Flashback: Skinner is standing in front of the men's room mirror]
Seymour Skinner: Blast!
[turns around, his face is made up like a woman's]
Seymour Skinner: I took mother's make-up kit by mistake!
[Superintendant Chalmers enters]
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh! Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Seymour Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers!
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, my God...
[outside, they hear a gunshot; cut back to the present]
Chief Wiggum: So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?
Seymour Skinner: Oh, yes... But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.


"The Simpsons: The Bob Next Door (#21.22)" (2010)
Principal Skinner: Due to budget cuts, we're instituting shorter school hours.
Lisa Simpson: How short?
Superintendant Chalmers: Take 'em home, Otto!


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
Superintendent Chalmers: Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded" I immediately thought of the word "SKINNER"?


"The Simpsons: Black-Eyed, Please (#24.15)" (2013)
Superintendent Chalmers: Mrs. Simpson, this school does not hire bullies.
Principal Skinner: That's right. We...
Superintendent Chalmers: Quiet, nerd!


"The Simpsons: Yokel Chords (#18.14)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: You haven't heard the last of this.
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I guess we've heard the last of this.
Lisa Simpson: No you haven't!


"The Simpsons: Ned 'N' Edna's Blend (#23.21)" (2012)
Principal Skinner: My rival.
Superintendent Chalmers: Some rivalry. It's like Secretariat and a can of dog food.


"The Simpsons: YOLO (#25.4)" (2013)
Principal Skinner: They're doing it! They're self-grading.
Superintendent Chalmers: Can't you ever say anything without sounding weird?
Principal Skinner: The answer, sadly, is not yes.


"The Simpsons: Coming to Homerica (#20.21)" (2009)
Superintendent Chalmers: [weakly] Skinner! If I die, I want you to take over...
Principal Seymour Skinner: [pleasantly surprised] Really?
Superintendent Chalmers: ...the search committee for a new superintendent.
Principal Seymour Skinner: [shakes head dejectedly] Mmm...
Superintendent Chalmers: Just hold my head and say soothing things.
[lies down with head on Principal Skinner's leg]
Principal Seymour Skinner: Third grade math scores are holding steady.
[rubs Superintendent Chalmers' head]
Superintendent Chalmers: [contentedly] Aah, yes.


"The Simpsons: Team Homer (#7.12)" (1996)
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, why are there children walking on my head?


"The Simpsons: A Midsummer's Nice Dream (#22.16)" (2011)
Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner! This dessert menu is funnier than you!
Seymour Skinner: Yes, but I'm funnier than the cocktail napkins.
Superintendent Chalmers: They're blank, Seymour.
Seymour Skinner: Yeah, but there are two K sounds in cocktail.
Superintendent Chalmers: [Chuckle] Yes, there are.


"The Simpsons: Lisa Gets an 'A' (#10.7)" (1998)
Principal Skinner: Okay everybody let's have a round of applause for the REAL State Comptroller.
[Comptroller Atkins looks back confused and is quickly ushered out by Chalmers]
Superintendent Chalmers: [under his breath] Idiot.


"The Simpsons: The Kid Is Alright (#25.6)" (2013)
Superintendent Chalmers: That girl's got the election in the bag. I'd bet a baloney sandwich on it.
Principal Skinner: Too rich for my blood, sir.
Superintendent Chalmers: You can fog a mirror, Skinner, but I wouldn't call you alive.


"The Simpsons: Bart's New Friend (#26.11)" (2015)
Superintendent Chalmers: [Seeing a regressed Homer playing Tunnel Tag with the kids] "Is that a grown man going between childrens' legs?" "
Seymour Skinner: Well, there's nothing against it in the rulebook.
Superintendent Chalmers: It's on page one of the rulebook!


"The Simpsons: Chief of Hearts (#21.18)" (2010)
Principal Skinner: Mrs. Simpson, your son Bart is what we educators call a nogoodnik, but lately, things have taken a sinister turn.
Superintendent Chalmers: We fear your son may be dealing drugs.
Marge Simpson: Dealing drugs? But that's impossible! He doesn't have the math skills!