No Photo Available
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Superintendent Chalmers (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Simpsons: Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song (#5.19)" (1994)
Ned Flanders: Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful day.
Superintendent Chalmers: "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion.

Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, I have had it, I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children!

Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour.
Principal Skinner: Hmm?
Superintendent Chalmers: You're fired!
Principal Skinner: I'm sorry, did... did you just call me a liar?
Superintendent Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
Principal Skinner: Oh. That's much worse.

Superintendent Chalmers: I've had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...

"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
[Superintendant Chalmers sees Principal Skinner's kitchen on fire]
Superintendant Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Principal Skinner: The Aurora Borealis?
Superintendant Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Principal Skinner: Yes.
Superintendant Chalmers: May I see it?
Principal Skinner: No.

Principal Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.
Superintendant Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Principal Skinner: Oh, no, I said, "steamed hams." That's what I call hamburgers.
Superintendant Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams.
Principal Skinner: Yes, it's a regional dialect.
Superintendant Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?
Principal Skinner: Uh, upstate New York.
Superintendant Chalmers: Really. Well, I'm from Utica and I never heard anyone use the phrase, "steamed hams."
Principal Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no; it's an Albany expression.
Superintendant Chalmers: I see.
[Chalmers takes a bite of the "steamed ham"]
Superintendant Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Principal Skinner: Oh, no, patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe.
Superintendant Chalmers: For steamed hams.
Principal Skinner: Yes
Superintendant Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.
[shows Skinner the grill marks]
Principal Skinner: Uh... you know... one thing I sh -... 'scuse me for one second.

"The Simpsons: Grade School Confidential (#8.19)" (1997)
Chief Wiggum: [Principal Skinner, demanding that his relationship with Mrs. Krabappel be respected, exits the school with what looks like a bomb strapped to his chest] Wait a minute... that isn't a bomb! Those are hot dogs! Armor hot dogs!
Superintendent Chalmers: [shaking his head] What kind of man wears Armor hot dogs?

Superintendent Chalmers: I'm a public servant, Seymour, I'm not allowed to use my own judgement in any way whatsoever.

"The Simpsons: The Principal and the Pauper (#9.2)" (1997)
Superintendant Chalmers: Good lord! The rod up that man's butt, must have a rod up its butt!

Superintendant Chalmers: Now let's clear this up. Who exactly are you?
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army.
Principal Skinner: It's true. I was in his platoon. But, they said you were killed on that scouting mission.
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp, I was sold to China for slave labor. And since '77 I've been making sneakers at gunpoint in a sweatshop in Boo-Haun.
Marge Simpson: That's not a funny story.
Sgt. Seymour Skinner: Well, I guess you had to be there.

"The Simpsons: How the Test Was Won (#20.11)" (2009)
Principal Seymour Skinner: Brilliant plan sending the all the underachievers to Capital City until the day after the test.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, *all* of them. Why, Seymour, I believe I left my sunglasses in the bus.
Principal Seymour Skinner: Well, I'd best retrieve them.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, you'd best.
[as Skinner enters the bus, Chalmers motions Otto to close the door]
Principal Seymour Skinner: Uh, sir?
Superintendent Chalmers: So long, superstars!

Lisa Simpson: 96%? What did I get wrong?
Superintendent Chalmers: Several questions.
Lisa Simpson: Several? That's more than a few, and almost a bunch.

"The Simpsons: Mathlete's Feat (#26.22)" (2015)
Superintendent Chalmers: I think it's safe now to put on your mathlete t-shirts.
Nelson Muntz: [Riding a taxi] Wait here.
[Gets off and punches Database on the arm, then gets back on]
Nelson Muntz: To the model UN and step on it. Haw-haw!

Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner, you did connect all the computers to surge protectors, right?
Principal Skinner: Yes, power strips.
Superintendent Chalmers: You fool! All surge protectors are power strips but not viceversa!

"The Simpsons: The Ned-Liest Catch (#22.22)" (2011)
Edna Krabappel: So I get paid to do nothing all day?
Principal Seymour Skinner: I'm afraid it's not that simple.
Superintendent Chalmers: Who's in charge of this meeting, Skinner?
Homer Simpson: [whispers to Marge] I thought I was.

Superintendent Chalmers: Now to turn on this malfunctioning air conditioner.
[White clumps fall out of air conditioner]
Edna Krabappel: Is that ice?
Superintendent Chalmers: No, spider egg sacs.
[Spiders hatch and crawl into mouth of sleeping man]
Superintendent Chalmers: He's a science teacher. He'll know what to do.

"The Simpsons: A Test Before Trying (#24.10)" (2013)
Superintendent Chalmers: I hate waiting. That's why I don't order risotto.
Principal Skinner: Not even mushroom risotto?
Superintendent Chalmers: What do you think?

"The Simpsons: Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words (#20.6)" (2008)
Superintendent Chalmers: I'm a bit of a crossword head myself. They help me relax after a day of having to deal with... Skinner!
Principal Seymour Skinner: You called?
Superintendent Chalmers: Made reference.
Principal Seymour Skinner: My mistake.

"The Simpsons: The DeBarted (#19.13)" (2008)
Superintendent Chalmers: Now that we have a man on the inside, we'll put Bart Simpson away from a long, long time.
Principal Skinner: By long, the most we can give him is five days suspension.
Superintendent Chalmers: That's long for a kid.

"The Simpsons: The Old Man and the 'C' Student (#10.20)" (1999)
Bart Simpson: Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball state, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?
[Bart is about to say something when Skinner Quickly puts his hand over his mouth]
Principal Skinner: Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of Community Service.
[the children walk offstage, groaning and moaning]
Ralph: Intercourse?
Superintendent Chalmers: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.
[Bart looks at Skinner, and Skinner waves his hands "no"]

"The Simpsons: Blazed and Confused (#26.7)" (2014)
Superintendent Chalmers: And the bad teacher coming to Springfield Elementary is... May God have mercy on our souls. Everybody pray.
Principal Skinner: But this is a public school.
Superintendent Chalmers: I said pray!

"The Simpsons: The Blue and the Gray (#22.13)" (2011)
Moe Szyslak: Excuse me, is this the seminar where you learn how to pick up chicks?
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, we're certainly not here to learn how to fold napkins.
Ned Flanders: Looks like I came in here for nothing.

"The Simpsons: Marge Simpson in 'Screaming Yellow Honkers' (#10.15)" (1999)
Chalmers: Well, Seymour, it seems we've put together a baseball team, and I'm wondering, who's on first, eh?
Principal Skinner: Not the pronoun, but rather a player with the unlikely name of "Who" is on first.
Chalmers: Well that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds and you've already managed to blow the routine.
[Chalmers storms off]
Chalmers: [muttering under his breath] Sexless freak.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#7.1)" (1995)
Seymour Skinner: Now, I did, I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. After the meeting, I rushed to the bathroom to apply my camoflauge make-up...
[Flashback: Skinner is standing in front of the men's room mirror]
Seymour Skinner: Blast!
[turns around, his face is made up like a woman's]
Seymour Skinner: I took mother's make-up kit by mistake!
[Superintendant Chalmers enters]
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh! Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Seymour Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers!
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, my God...
[outside, they hear a gunshot; cut back to the present]
Chief Wiggum: So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?
Seymour Skinner: Oh, yes... But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.

"The Simpsons: The Bob Next Door (#21.22)" (2010)
Principal Skinner: Due to budget cuts, we're instituting shorter school hours.
Lisa Simpson: How short?
Superintendant Chalmers: Take 'em home, Otto!

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
Superintendent Chalmers: Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded" I immediately thought of the word "SKINNER"?

"The Simpsons: Black-Eyed, Please (#24.15)" (2013)
Superintendent Chalmers: Mrs. Simpson, this school does not hire bullies.
Principal Skinner: That's right. We...
Superintendent Chalmers: Quiet, nerd!

"The Simpsons: Yokel Chords (#18.14)" (2007)
Lisa Simpson: You haven't heard the last of this.
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I guess we've heard the last of this.
Lisa Simpson: No you haven't!

"The Simpsons: Ned 'N' Edna's Blend (#23.21)" (2012)
Principal Skinner: My rival.
Superintendent Chalmers: Some rivalry. It's like Secretariat and a can of dog food.

"The Simpsons: YOLO (#25.4)" (2013)
Principal Skinner: They're doing it! They're self-grading.
Superintendent Chalmers: Can't you ever say anything without sounding weird?
Principal Skinner: The answer, sadly, is not yes.

"The Simpsons: Coming to Homerica (#20.21)" (2009)
Superintendent Chalmers: [weakly] Skinner! If I die, I want you to take over...
Principal Seymour Skinner: [pleasantly surprised] Really?
Superintendent Chalmers: ...the search committee for a new superintendent.
Principal Seymour Skinner: [shakes head dejectedly] Mmm...
Superintendent Chalmers: Just hold my head and say soothing things.
[lies down with head on Principal Skinner's leg]
Principal Seymour Skinner: Third grade math scores are holding steady.
[rubs Superintendent Chalmers' head]
Superintendent Chalmers: [contentedly] Aah, yes.

"The Simpsons: Team Homer (#7.12)" (1996)
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, why are there children walking on my head?

"The Simpsons: A Midsummer's Nice Dream (#22.16)" (2011)
Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner! This dessert menu is funnier than you!
Seymour Skinner: Yes, but I'm funnier than the cocktail napkins.
Superintendent Chalmers: They're blank, Seymour.
Seymour Skinner: Yeah, but there are two K sounds in cocktail.
Superintendent Chalmers: [Chuckle] Yes, there are.

"The Simpsons: Lisa Gets an 'A' (#10.7)" (1998)
Principal Skinner: Okay everybody let's have a round of applause for the REAL State Comptroller.
[Comptroller Atkins looks back confused and is quickly ushered out by Chalmers]
Superintendent Chalmers: [under his breath] Idiot.

"The Simpsons: The Kid Is Alright (#25.6)" (2013)
Superintendent Chalmers: That girl's got the election in the bag. I'd bet a baloney sandwich on it.
Principal Skinner: Too rich for my blood, sir.
Superintendent Chalmers: You can fog a mirror, Skinner, but I wouldn't call you alive.

"The Simpsons: Bart's New Friend (#26.11)" (2015)
Superintendent Chalmers: [Seeing a regressed Homer playing Tunnel Tag with the kids] "Is that a grown man going between childrens' legs?" "
Seymour Skinner: Well, there's nothing against it in the rulebook.
Superintendent Chalmers: It's on page one of the rulebook!

"The Simpsons: Chief of Hearts (#21.18)" (2010)
Principal Skinner: Mrs. Simpson, your son Bart is what we educators call a nogoodnik, but lately, things have taken a sinister turn.
Superintendent Chalmers: We fear your son may be dealing drugs.
Marge Simpson: Dealing drugs? But that's impossible! He doesn't have the math skills!