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Quotes for
Dr. Julius Hibbert (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Simpsons: I Married Marge (#3.12)" (1991)
[On a sonogram of Marge's stomach, Bart turns away]
Dr. Hibbert: If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was trying to moon us.

Dr. Hibbert: Well, Ms. Bouvier, I think we've found the reason you've been throwing up in the morning...
[holds out his hand to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Congratulations.
Homer: D'OH!
[His "d'oh" echoes down the hallway]
Man in Body Cast: Poor guy.

Dr. Hibbert: Perhaps this pamphlet will prove useful.
Marge: [reading] "So You've Ruined Your Life"...

Homer: [as Marge goes into labor] Step aside. I'll deliver this baby.
Dr. Hibbert: Uh, why don't you let me handle it, Homer?
Homer: Oh, college boy, eh?
[Squares up to Dr. Hibbert]
Marge: Homer, for God's sakes, let him deliver the baby!


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 1 (#6.25)" (1995)
Mayor Quimby: People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it.
Quimby's Aide: [Whispers] Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.
Mayor Quimby: Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor.
Smithers: [Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up]
[Crying]
Smithers: Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to... a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!
Doctor Hibbert: Oh, dear God!
Smithers: Eh, it's not that bad. I never miss Pardon My Zinger.
[Ned wraps a blanket around him]
Groundskeeper Willie: Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.
Abe Simpson: Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines.
Crazy Old Man: You bastard!

[last lines of the episode as the Springfieldians gather to see Mr. Burns laid out on the sundial]
Patty Bouvier: Mr. Burns has been shot.
Chief Wiggum: Just a minute! This isn't Mr. Burns at all! It's a mask!
[Wiggum pulls on Burns' face]
Chief Wiggum: Wait, it is Burns.
[chuckles]
Chief Wiggum: His wrinkly skin looks like a mask.
Marge Simpson: I don't think we'll ever know who did this. Everyone in town is a suspect.
[the camera pans across the Springfieldians and stops on Dr. Hibbert, who chuckles]
Doctor Hibbert: Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?
[Hibbert points to the camera which pulls back to reveal that he's pointing to Wiggum]
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?
[to be continued... ]


"The Simpsons: I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (#19.4)" (2007)
Dr. Hibbert: Krusty, I haven't seen you since that terrifying day.
Krusty the Clown: You'll have to be way more specific.
Dr. Hibbert: We were hostages in the bank.
Krusty the Clown: Oh, yeah. Sorry I offered your life for my safety.

Dr. Hibbert: He'll be fine. Not you and me fine, but fine.
Krusty the Clown: Hey! Leave the comedy to the comedians.
Dr. Hibbert: All right, funny man. Make me laugh.
Krusty the Clown: [looking at index cards] What if instead, he were run over by a zamboni?
Dr. Hibbert: I don't see how.
Krusty the Clown: Then I've got nothing.


"The Simpsons: The Homer They Fall (#8.3)" (1996)
Dr. Hibbert: You have an absolutely unique genetic condition known as "Homer Simpson" syndrome.
Homer Simpson: Oh, why me?

Dr. Hibbert: [examining Homer] Well, sir, you more than meet every one of this state's requirements to box, wrestle or be shot out of a cannon.
Marge Simpson: That's what we get for living in a state founded by circus freaks.


"The Simpsons: Two Bad Neighbors (#7.13)" (1996)
[President Bush has put up a poster on the front of the house with crudely drawn pictures of Homer and Bart on it. It reads 'Two Bad Neighbours']
Dr. Julius Hibbert: [confused] I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbours?
George Bush: [annoyed] No, its not Bar and me. It's them!
[Bush points at the Simpsons' house]
Ned Flanders: Who, Maude and me?
George Bush: No, the man and his boy. Ya know. The boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man.
[calls in to his wife, Barbara]
George Bush: Bar, what's the name of the man?
Barbara Bush: [calling out to George] I'm not getting involved, George!


"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
Crowd: We need a cure! We need a cure!
Dr. Hibbert: Why, the only cure is bed rest. Anything I give you would only be a placebo.
Woman in Crowd: Where do we get these placebos?
Man: Maybe there's some in this truck!
[the panicky crowd push over a truck, boxes labeled "danger killer bees" break open, the bees go everywhere and everyone panics, one man puts a bee in his mouth]
Man: I'm cured! I mean, ouch!


"The Simpsons: I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot (#15.9)" (2004)
Dr. Hibbert: What the Halle Berry?


"The Simpsons: Half-Decent Proposal (#13.10)" (2002)
Marge Simpson: I haven't lost so much sleep since little Barty had the scoots.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, there's a surgical option, but it's not cheap.
[Writes something on a slip of paper, and slides it across his desk to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Here's what it costs.
Homer Simpson: [Reads paper] Interesting. Here's my counter-offer.
[Writes something on the paper and gives it back to Hibbert]
Dr. Hibbert: [Reads. The note says, "Do it for free"]
[Chuckles, then turns very serious]
Dr. Hibbert: Get out.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Sax (#9.3)" (1997)
[meeting with Homer and Marge about Bart's problems in kindergarten]
Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Public school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.
Marge Simpson: Bart's gay?
Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Bart?
[looks at the file]
Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Ah, whoo, wrong file.
[puts the file, labeled "Milhouse Van Houten," back]


"The Simpsons: Weekend at Burnsie's (#13.16)" (2002)
Dr. Hibbert: You can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VII (#8.1)" (1996)
Homer: Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
Dr. Hibbert: Fire, and lots of it.
Marge: Oh, that's your cure for everything.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Triple Bypass (#4.11)" (1992)
Marge: Can't you do something for him?
Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
Homer: What an age we live in.


"The Simpsons: Make Room for Lisa (#10.16)" (1999)
Dr. Hibbert: Lisa, I'm afraid your tummyache may be caused by stress.
Homer: Whew. That's a relief.


"The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (#2.11)" (1991)
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
Homer Simpson: No way, because I'm not dying!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Second is anger.
Homer Simpson: [furiously] Why you little... !
Dr. Julius Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer Simpson: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer Simpson: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Finally acceptance.
Homer Simpson: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.


"The Simpsons: The Greatest Story Ever D'ohed (#21.16)" (2010)
Dr. Hibbert: Marge, I'm afraid your husband has what is known as Jerusalem Syndrome.
Lisa Simpson: Ah, yes. Jerusalem Syndrome. A delusion or psychosis of a religious nature while visiting Jerusalem.
Bart Simpson: Have you ever noticed that dad always gets the diseases they write about in the in-flight magazine?


"The Simpsons: Eight Misbehavin' (#11.7)" (1999)
[Manjula and Apu are in the hospital with newborns]
Apu: How did we get eight?
Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon: Apu, I must confess. When we were having trouble conceiving, I took fertility drugs.
Apu: Wooh. I, too, am afraid I'm guilty of monkeying with nature. I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast squishy.
Hibbert: [Using a calculator] Mmm-hmm. Well that would only account for quintuplets. Did anyone *else* slip this woman fertility drugs?
[Homer, Marge, and Bart raise their hands]
Homer Simpson: Mine tasted like strawberry.
[Homer pops one into his mouth]
Homer Simpson: Ovulicious...


"The Simpsons: They Saved Lisa's Brain (#10.22)" (1999)
Dr. Hibbert: [Mensa Club is giving a public speech] When are we going to get to my speech?
Comic Book Guy: Quit butting in please. Your IQ is a mere 155 while mine is a muscular 170.
[singing to the Star Trek theme]
Comic Book Guy: I am smart. Much smarter than you. Hibbert!
Professor Frink: You should all do what I do. My IQ is 199 for crying out glaving.
[Accidentally bumps his head]
Professor Frink: 198... 197.
Stephen Hawking: Big deal. My IQ is 280.


"The Simpsons: Diatribe of a Mad Housewife (#15.10)" (2004)
Marge Simpson: Dr. Marvin Monroe! I haven't seen you in years!
Dr. Marvin Monroe: Oh! I've been very sick


"The Simpsons: A Milhouse Divided (#8.6)" (1996)
Dr. Hibbert: We don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XI (#12.1)" (2000)
[Pulling broccoli from Homer's corpse]
Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was...
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.


"The Simpsons: Homer at the Bat (#3.17)" (1992)
Dr. Hibbert: [Examining Mike Scioscia who is heavily radiated] Mike, try to lift your arm.
Mike Scioscia: [struggling to lift his left arm] Can't, lift, arm, or, speak, at, normal, rate.
Dr. Hibbert: It seems that you have an acute dose of radiation poisoning.
Mike Scioscia: Will, I, be, able, to, play, softball, tomorrow?
Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] No. By tomorrow you'll barely be able to breathe.
Mike Scioscia: [struggling to move his head] Oh, man.
Nurse: [bursting into room] Dr. Hibbert, Ken Griffey, Jr. needs to see you immediately!
[Hibbert peers through curtains and is horrified to see a gigantism-suffering Griffey in a wheelchair]
Dr. Hibbert: [shocked] Good Lord! Gigantism!


"The Simpsons: Sweets and Sour Marge (#13.8)" (2002)
[At the Kwik-E-Mart]
Dr. Hibbert: [Speaking to Apu] Marge is right, sugar is not only fattening but it's also terribly, terribly addictive... Uh, is my carton of Pixie Sticks in?
Apu: No, it hasn't come in yet.
Dr. Hibbert: [Pounds his fist on the counter] Dammit. When they come in you call me at this number.
Apu: [Reads the number Dr. Hibbert gives him] 911?


"The Simpsons: Black-Eyed, Please (#24.15)" (2013)
Dr. Hibbert: You'll need to wear an eyepatch for a couple of weeks, but I'm afraid you might never see another 3-D movie again.
Homer Simpson: But the storytelling is finally catching up to the technology.


"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
Dr. Hibbert: Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I'm more concerned about your gravy level.
Homer Simpson: Now, wait a second. You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day!
Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] Well, you're a little confused.
Homer Simpson: Oh, confused, would we?


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIV (#25.2)" (2013)
Lisa Simpson: I thought I was just donating blood.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Oh, you are, along with lymph, spinal fluid and all the trimmings.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIII (#14.1)" (2002)
[Groundskeeper Willy has been turned into an ape]
Dr. Hibbert: Willy, take these folks' luggage.
[to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Careful, he might try to gnaw on your crotch.
Homer: Don't worry, I've been around Scotsmen before.


"The Simpsons: Alone Again, Natura-Diddly (#11.14)" (2000)
Dr. Hibbert: Hmm, a Ford urinating on a Chevrolet.
Bernice Hibbert: Don't you usually laugh at everything?
Dr. Hibbert: Yes. Yes, I do.


The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Montgomery Burns: So, you want some of my electricity, do you? Well, for once, the rich, white man is in control. I have two buttons behind my desk. One will provide your town with power, the other releases the hounds. Reach me. Make me your brother.
Dr. Hibbert: The hospital's generator is about to give out. Lives will be lost.
Montgomery Burns: [writing down] Lives... lost. Go on.
Chief Wiggum: We have a convict we're gonna fry tomorrow, but now we can't.
Montgomery Burns: Tempting, tempting...
Apu: Look, all of our reasons mean nothing. Just look inside your heart and you will find the answer.
[Smithers waves frantically and shakes his head no; cut to outside of mansion as screaming and barking is heard inside]
Apu: Aaah!
Montgomery Burns: First door on the right.
Apu: Thank you.
Dr. Hibbert, Chief Wiggum, Apu: [as they run out chased by dogs] Aaah!


"The Simpsons: D'oh-in' in the Wind (#10.6)" (1998)
Lisa Simpson: [the Family is at the hospital with Homer having a stem of a flower sticking out of his forehead] Are you gonna remove the flower?
Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.
Homer Simpson: Well, can you at least cut the leaves off so I can watch T.V.?
Dr. Hibbert: [Sternly] What did I just say?


"The Simpsons: The War of the Simpsons (#2.20)" (1991)
[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party]
Julius Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, Doctor.
Julius Hibbert: Remember, I said "if."


"The Simpsons: Faith Off (#11.11)" (2000)
Dr. Hibbert: Son, I'm afraid that leg is hanging by a thread.
Anton Lubchenko: Lubchenko must return to game!
Dr. Hibbert: [chuckles] Your playing days are over, my friend. But, you can always fall back on your degree in...
[reads chart]
Dr. Hibbert: communications? Oh, dear Lord!
Anton Lubchenko: I know! Is phony major. Lubchenko learn nothing. Nothing!
[cries]


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Alien: I bring you love.
Dr. Hibbert: Is that the love between a man and a woman? Or the love of a man for a cuban cigar?
Alien: Uh... I bring you love.