Dr. Julius Hibbert
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Quotes for
Dr. Julius Hibbert (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: I Married Marge (#3.12)" (1991)
[On a sonogram of Marge's stomach, Bart turns away]
Dr. Hibbert: If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was trying to moon us.

Dr. Hibbert: Well, Ms. Bouvier, I think we've found the reason you've been throwing up in the morning...
[holds out his hand to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Congratulations.
Homer: D'OH!
[His "d'oh" echoes down the hallway]
Man in Body Cast: Poor guy.

Dr. Hibbert: Perhaps this pamphlet will prove useful.
Marge: [reading] "So You've Ruined Your Life"...

Homer: [as Marge goes into labor] Step aside. I'll deliver this baby.
Dr. Hibbert: Uh, why don't you let me handle it, Homer?
Homer: Oh, college boy, eh?
[Squares up to Dr. Hibbert]
Marge: Homer, for God's sakes, let him deliver the baby!

"The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (#2.11)" (1991)
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
Homer Simpson: No way, because I'm not dying!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Second is anger.
Homer Simpson: [furiously] Why you little... !
Dr. Julius Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer Simpson: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer Simpson: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Finally acceptance.
Homer Simpson: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: Erm... your wife agreed that should I break this to you.
Homer Simpson: No need, Doc. I can read Marge like a book.
[he looks at Marge, who is frowning]
Homer Simpson: [excited] Oooh! It's good news, isn't it?

Dr. Julius Hibbert: If in fact you've consumed the venom of the blowfish, and from what the chef has told me, it's quite probable... You have 24 hours to live.
Homer Simpson: 24 hours!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Well, 22, I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long.

"The Simpsons: I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (#19.4)" (2007)
Dr. Hibbert: Krusty, I haven't seen you since that terrifying day.
Krusty the Clown: You'll have to be way more specific.
Dr. Hibbert: We were hostages in the bank.
Krusty the Clown: Oh, yeah. Sorry I offered your life for my safety.

Dr. Hibbert: He'll be fine. Not you and me fine, but fine.
Krusty the Clown: Hey! Leave the comedy to the comedians.
Dr. Hibbert: All right, funny man. Make me laugh.
Krusty the Clown: [looking at index cards] What if instead, he were run over by a zamboni?
Dr. Hibbert: I don't see how.
Krusty the Clown: Then I've got nothing.

"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
Mayor Quimby: People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it.
Quimby's Aide: [Whispers] Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.
Mayor Quimby: Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor.
Smithers: [Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up]
Smithers: Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to... a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!
Doctor Hibbert: Oh, dear God!
Smithers: Eh, it's not that bad. I never miss Pardon My Zinger.
[Ned wraps a blanket around him]
Groundskeeper Willie: Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.
Abe Simpson: Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines.
Crazy Old Man: You bastard!

[last lines of the episode as the Springfieldians gather to see Mr. Burns laid out on the sundial]
Patty Bouvier: Mr. Burns has been shot.
Chief Wiggum: Just a minute! This isn't Mr. Burns at all! It's a mask!
[Wiggum pulls on Burns' face]
Chief Wiggum: Wait, it is Burns.
Chief Wiggum: His wrinkly skin looks like a mask.
Marge Simpson: I don't think we'll ever know who did this. Everyone in town is a suspect.
[the camera pans across the Springfieldians and stops on Dr. Hibbert, who chuckles]
Doctor Hibbert: Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?
[Hibbert points to the camera which pulls back to reveal that he's pointing to Wiggum]
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?
[to be continued... ]

"The Simpsons: The Homer They Fall (#8.3)" (1996)
Dr. Hibbert: You have an absolutely unique genetic condition known as "Homer Simpson" syndrome.
Homer Simpson: Oh, why me?

Dr. Hibbert: [examining Homer] Well, sir, you more than meet every one of this state's requirements to box, wrestle or be shot out of a cannon.
Marge Simpson: That's what we get for living in a state founded by circus freaks.

"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
Crowd: We need a cure! We need a cure!
Dr. Hibbert: Why, the only cure is bed rest. Anything I give you would only be a placebo.
Woman in Crowd: Where do we get these placebos?
Man: Maybe there's some in this truck!
[the panicky crowd push over a truck, boxes labeled "danger killer bees" break open, the bees go everywhere and everyone panics, one man puts a bee in his mouth]
Man: I'm cured! I mean, ouch!

"The Simpsons: I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot (#15.9)" (2004)
Dr. Hibbert: What the Halle Berry?

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)
Dr. Hibbert: Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what's it like in there?
Homer Simpson: Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
Dr. Hibbert: No.
Lisa Simpson: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Marge Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson: No.
Selma: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Ned Flanders: No.
Selma: No.
Prof. John Frink: No.
Reverend Lovejoy: No.
Chief Wiggum: Yes. I mean, I'm a-I mean, no. No.

"The Simpsons: Weekend at Burnsie's (#13.16)" (2002)
Dr. Hibbert: You can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs.

"The Simpsons: Radio Bart (#3.13)" (1992)
[while digging a mine shaft to rescue Bart from a well]
Apu: [gasp] The canary.
Groundskeeper Willie: GAS. OUT OF THE HOLE.
[everyone runs out yelling; above ground, Dr. Hibbert examines the canary]
Dr. Hibbert: Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes.
Groundskeeper Willie: BACK IN THE HOLE.
[everyone runs back in, yelling]

"The Simpsons: Eight Misbehavin' (#11.7)" (1999)
[Manjula and Apu are in the hospital with newborns]
Apu: How did we get eight?
Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon: Apu, I must confess. When we were having trouble conceiving, I took fertility drugs.
Apu: Wooh. I, too, am afraid I'm guilty of monkeying with nature. I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast squishy.
Hibbert: [Using a calculator] Mmm-hmm. Well that would only account for quintuplets. Did anyone *else* slip this woman fertility drugs?
[Homer, Marge, and Bart raise their hands]
Homer Simpson: Mine tasted like strawberry.
[Homer pops one into his mouth]
Homer Simpson: Ovulicious...

"The Simpsons: They Saved Lisa's Brain (#10.22)" (1999)
Dr. Hibbert: [Mensa Club is giving a public speech] When are we going to get to my speech?
Comic Book Guy: Quit butting in please. Your IQ is a mere 155 while mine is a muscular 170.
[singing to the Star Trek theme]
Comic Book Guy: I am smart. Much smarter than you. Hibbert!
Professor Frink: You should all do what I do. My IQ is 199 for crying out glaving.
[Accidentally bumps his head]
Professor Frink: 198... 197.
Stephen Hawking: Big deal. My IQ is 280.

"The Simpsons: A Milhouse Divided (#8.6)" (1996)
Dr. Hibbert: We don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XI (#12.1)" (2000)
[Pulling broccoli from Homer's corpse]
Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was...
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

"The Simpsons: Bart the Daredevil (#2.8)" (1990)
Dr. Hibbert: This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman. This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TV wrestling match. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.
Marge Simpson: Gee, I never realized TV was such a dangerous influence.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment.
Homer Simpson: Amen!

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIV (#25.2)" (2013)
Lisa Simpson: I thought I was just donating blood.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Oh, you are, along with lymph, spinal fluid and all the trimmings.

"The Simpsons: Alone Again, Natura-Diddly (#11.14)" (2000)
Dr. Hibbert: Hmm, a Ford urinating on a Chevrolet.
Bernice Hibbert: Don't you usually laugh at everything?
Dr. Hibbert: Yes. Yes, I do.

The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Montgomery Burns: So, you want some of my electricity, do you? Well, for once, the rich, white man is in control. I have two buttons behind my desk. One will provide your town with power, the other releases the hounds. Reach me. Make me your brother.
Dr. Hibbert: The hospital's generator is about to give out. Lives will be lost.
Montgomery Burns: [writing down] Lives... lost. Go on.
Chief Wiggum: We have a convict we're gonna fry tomorrow, but now we can't.
Montgomery Burns: Tempting, tempting...
Apu: Look, all of our reasons mean nothing. Just look inside your heart and you will find the answer.
[Smithers waves frantically and shakes his head no; cut to outside of mansion as screaming and barking is heard inside]
Apu: Aaah!
Montgomery Burns: First door on the right.
Apu: Thank you.
Dr. Hibbert, Chief Wiggum, Apu: [as they run out chased by dogs] Aaah!

"The Simpsons: A Tree Grows in Springfield (#24.6)" (2012)
Dr. Hibbert: Homer, you'll make a full recovery. But I'm afraid your MyPad is gone.
Homer Simpson: But it only had eighty percent of its charge left.
Dr. Hibbert: This is the part of my job I hate most: talking to crazy people.

"The Simpsons: D'oh-in' in the Wind (#10.6)" (1998)
Lisa Simpson: [the Family is at the hospital with Homer having a stem of a flower sticking out of his forehead] Are you gonna remove the flower?
Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.
Homer Simpson: Well, can you at least cut the leaves off so I can watch T.V.?
Dr. Hibbert: [Sternly] What did I just say?

"The Simpsons: The War of the Simpsons (#2.20)" (1991)
[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party]
Julius Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, Doctor.
Julius Hibbert: Remember, I said "if."

"The Simpsons: Today, I Am a Clown (#15.6)" (2003)
Dr. Hibbert: [sees Homer strangling Bart ] So that's why Bart has all these broken Tracheal bones. Tight Bowtie, My ass!

"The Simpsons: Half-Decent Proposal (#13.10)" (2002)
Marge Simpson: I haven't lost so much sleep since little Barty had the scoots.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, there's a surgical option, but it's not cheap.
[Writes something on a slip of paper, and slides it across his desk to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Here's what it costs.
Homer Simpson: [Reads paper] Interesting. Here's my counter-offer.
[Writes something on the paper and gives it back to Hibbert]
Dr. Hibbert: [Reads. The note says, "Do it for free"]
[Chuckles, then turns very serious]
Dr. Hibbert: Get out.

"The Simpsons: Lisa's Sax (#9.3)" (1997)
[meeting with Homer and Marge about Bart's problems in kindergarten]
Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Public school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.
Marge Simpson: Bart's gay?
Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Bart?
[looks at the file]
Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Ah, whoo, wrong file.
[puts the file, labeled "Milhouse Van Houten," back]

"The Simpsons: Homer's Triple Bypass (#4.11)" (1992)
Marge: Can't you do something for him?
Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
Homer: What an age we live in.

"The Simpsons: Make Room for Lisa (#10.16)" (1999)
Dr. Hibbert: Lisa, I'm afraid your tummyache may be caused by stress.
Homer: Whew. That's a relief.

"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming (#7.9)" (1995)
[appearing on the stadium television]
Sideshow Bob: Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?
Moe: What?
Dr. Hibbert: Surely he's not talking about VH-1.
Sideshow Bob: Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation and scrimshaw. Therefore I submit to you, we abolish television, permanently!
Homer Simpson: Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, and one more thing: I've stolen a nuclear weapon. If you do not rid this city of television in two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell.
[Bob cuts the link. People start to panic, then Bob reappears]
Sideshow Bob: By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.

"The Simpsons: The Greatest Story Ever D'ohed (#21.16)" (2010)
Dr. Hibbert: Marge, I'm afraid your husband has what is known as Jerusalem Syndrome.
Lisa Simpson: Ah, yes. Jerusalem Syndrome. A delusion or psychosis of a religious nature while visiting Jerusalem.
Bart Simpson: Have you ever noticed that dad always gets the diseases they write about in the in-flight magazine?

"The Simpsons: Homer at the Bat (#3.17)" (1992)
Dr. Hibbert: [Examining Mike Scioscia who is heavily radiated] Mike, try to lift your arm.
Mike Scioscia: [struggling to lift his left arm] Can't, lift, arm, or, speak, at, normal, rate.
Dr. Hibbert: It seems that you have an acute dose of radiation poisoning.
Mike Scioscia: Will, I, be, able, to, play, softball, tomorrow?
Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] No. By tomorrow you'll barely be able to breathe.
Mike Scioscia: [struggling to move his head] Oh, man.
Nurse: [bursting into room] Dr. Hibbert, Ken Griffey, Jr. needs to see you immediately!
[Hibbert peers through curtains and is horrified to see a gigantism-suffering Griffey in a wheelchair]
Dr. Hibbert: [shocked] Good Lord! Gigantism!

"The Simpsons: Sweets and Sour Marge (#13.8)" (2002)
[At the Kwik-E-Mart]
Dr. Hibbert: [Speaking to Apu] Marge is right, sugar is not only fattening but it's also terribly, terribly addictive... Uh, is my carton of Pixie Sticks in?
Apu: No, it hasn't come in yet.
Dr. Hibbert: [Pounds his fist on the counter] Dammit. When they come in you call me at this number.
Apu: [Reads the number Dr. Hibbert gives him] 911?

"The Simpsons: Black-Eyed, Please (#24.15)" (2013)
Dr. Hibbert: You'll need to wear an eyepatch for a couple of weeks, but I'm afraid you might never see another 3-D movie again.
Homer Simpson: But the storytelling is finally catching up to the technology.

"The Simpsons: Bart Star (#9.6)" (1997)
Dr. Hibbert: Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I'm more concerned about your gravy level.
Homer Simpson: Now, wait a second. You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day!
Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] Well, you're a little confused.
Homer Simpson: Oh, confused, would we?

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XIII (#14.1)" (2002)
[Groundskeeper Willy has been turned into an ape]
Dr. Hibbert: Willy, take these folks' luggage.
[to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Careful, he might try to gnaw on your crotch.
Homer: Don't worry, I've been around Scotsmen before.

"The Simpsons: Homer Simpson in: 'Kidney Trouble' (#10.8)" (1998)
[after drinking too much sarsaparilla at a town bar, Grampa needs to use the bathroom as the Simpsons are driving home]
Homer Simpson: We're almost home, Dad. Only a couple more times over the horizon.
Grampa Simpson: But I might explode!
Homer Simpson: You just sit back and relax. I'm not going to let anything happen to my old dad.
[Scene cuts to Dr. Hibbert holding an X-ray]
Dr. Hibbert: Oh my God! This man's kidneys have exploded!

"The Simpsons: Faith Off (#11.11)" (2000)
Dr. Hibbert: Son, I'm afraid that leg is hanging by a thread.
Anton Lubchenko: Lubchenko must return to game!
Dr. Hibbert: [chuckles] Your playing days are over, my friend. But, you can always fall back on your degree in...
[reads chart]
Dr. Hibbert: communications? Oh, dear Lord!
Anton Lubchenko: I know! Is phony major. Lubchenko learn nothing. Nothing!

"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Alien: I bring you love.
Dr. Hibbert: Is that the love between a man and a woman? Or the love of a man for a cuban cigar?
Alien: Uh... I bring you love.