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: If I can tranq one freak on stilts, I know I've done my job. Lou
: You're living the dream
: Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people? Lou
: Uh, second word, chief.
: Chief, it looks like there's a 64G in progress.
[Chief Wiggum looks confused
: Armed robbery with a gun?
[Chief Wiggum still looks confused; Lou draws a stick figure robber on his pad
: Come on, chief. You know this one. Chief Wiggum
: Oh, a shootie stealie.
[Chief Wiggum just won a stuffed monkey at the carnival
: Chief, I think we have a hostage situation over there. Chief Wiggum
: Can't a man have one minute alone with his monkey? One minute?
[Lou mumbles something
] Chief Wiggum
: What'd you say? Lou
: I said the monkey would make a better chief! Chief Wiggum
: He is a pretty great monkey, isn't he?
: [observing some police attack dogs
] Gee, they look pretty mad. Chief Wiggum
: Yeah, I've been starving them, teasing them, singing off key...
[Homer is underwater
] Chief Wiggum
: That car thief can't hold his breath forever. Lou
: And if he can, Chief? Chief Wiggum
: Then God help us all!
: Looks like another case of Monopoly related violence, chief. Wiggum
: How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?
: I went to the McDonald's over in Shelbyville the other day. Chief Wiggum
: The Mc-what? Lou
: Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone. Eddie
: Hmm... Must've sprung up over night. Lou
: But you know, it's the little differences. Chief Wiggum
: Example. Lou
: Well, at a McDonald's you can get a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese. Chief Wiggum
: Get out. What do they call it? Lou
: A "Quarter Pounder" with cheese. Chief Wiggum
: "Quarter Pounder" with cheese? Well, I can see the cheese but? do they have Krusty's "Partially Gelatinated, Non-Dairy, Gum-Based Beverages"? Lou
: Yeah, they call them "shakes." Eddie
: Huh. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'.
: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge. Marge
: That's your hat. Lou
: She's good, chief.
: At this time we have no leads but I can safely say that Apu didn't suffer. Lou
: It looks like he suffered to me chief. Chief Wiggum
: Aw jeeze Lou. How long were you planning on letting me drink this stuff?
: Yeah, that's just what you need, Chief, another stomach. Chief Wiggam
: Shut up.
: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. Chief Wiggum
: Forget it. That's two blocks away. Lou
: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney. Chief Wiggum
: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code 8. Lou
: [on the radio
] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.
: [sees Fat Tony and his mobsters dragging a body wrapped in a sheet to the lake
] Uh sorry, sorry, no dumping in the lake! Fat Tony
: Fine, I will put my *yard trimmings* in a car compactor.
[he and the mobsters walk off with the body
: Uh, Chief, I think there was a dead body in there. Chief Wiggum
: I thought that too, until he said yard trimmings. You gotta learn to listen, Lou.
: Take him away, boys. Chief Wiggum
: Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys. Lou
: What'd you say, Chief? Chief Wiggum
: Do what the kid says.
: [facing a giant chess knight piece
] Chief, I don't like the looks of that knight. Chief Wiggum
: Don't worry, Lou. We're two spaces away and one to the right.
[the chess knight lands on Chief Wiggum
] Chief Wiggum
: I guess it's game, set, match for me. Lou
: I think you mean check and mate, Chief. Chief Wiggum
: I just got crused by a giant horse, Lou. Can you cut me a break?
: OK, boys, set your night sticks on "whomp." Lou
: [twirling his night stick
] Er, chief? Mine's stuck on "twirl."
: Men, I want these brownies confiscated. Lou
: There are no drugs on these brownies. Chief Wiggum
: I said confiscate them! And while you're at it, confiscate me a T-shirt, XXXL Lou
: I thought XXL was a wake-up call for you. Chief Wiggum
: That was for pants.
[looking at a board marking the cat burglar's victimized houses
] Chief Wiggum
: What do you think of this, boys? Eddie
: Well, it doesn't look like anything, but if you move these two here, and this one here... Chief Wiggum
: It almost looks like an arrow. Lou
: And it's pointing right at this police station. Chief Wiggum
: Let's get out of here!
: Here we are in now times. As you can see, I've gotten everything I ever wanted. Officer Lou
: Except pants that fit. Chief Wiggum
: I told you can be in this documentary as long as you don't make fun of me! Officer Lou
: I'm not making fun of you, I'm making fun of your pants! Chief Wiggum
: How would you like it if I made fun of your pants? Officer Lou
: Go ahead. Chief Wiggum
: Well they're a little, um... uh... oh, they're perfect!