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Quotes for
Officer Lou (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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"The Simpsons: I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (#19.4)" (2007)
Lou: Chief, it looks like there's a 64G in progress.
[Chief Wiggum looks confused]
Lou: Armed robbery with a gun?
[Chief Wiggum still looks confused; Lou draws a stick figure robber on his pad]
Lou: Come on, chief. You know this one.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, a shootie stealie.

[Chief Wiggum just won a stuffed monkey at the carnival]
Lou: Chief, I think we have a hostage situation over there.
Chief Wiggum: Can't a man have one minute alone with his monkey? One minute?
[Lou mumbles something]
Chief Wiggum: What'd you say?
Lou: I said the monkey would make a better chief!
Chief Wiggum: He is a pretty great monkey, isn't he?

"The Simpsons: The Great Louse Detective (#14.6)" (2002)
Chief Wiggum: If I can tranq one freak on stilts, I know I've done my job.
Lou: You're living the dream

Chief Wiggum: Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people?
Lou: Uh, second word, chief.

"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
Lou: [observing some police attack dogs] Gee, they look pretty mad.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I've been starving them, teasing them, singing off key...

"The Simpsons: Dumbbell Indemnity (#9.16)" (1998)
[Homer is underwater]
Chief Wiggum: That car thief can't hold his breath forever.
Lou: And if he can, Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Then God help us all!

"The Simpsons: The Dad Who Knew Too Little (#14.8)" (2003)
Chief Wiggum: [to Marge] Would an innocent person flee?
Chief Wiggum: No, really, tell me, I honestly don't know.
Lou: Chief, no.
Ralph: Even I knew that!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I'm, I'm not good...

"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
Lou: I went to the McDonald's over in Shelbyville the other day.
Chief Wiggum: The Mc-what?
Lou: Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Hmm... Must've sprung up over night.
Lou: But you know, it's the little differences.
Chief Wiggum: Example.
Lou: Well, at a McDonald's you can get a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Get out. What do they call it?
Lou: A "Quarter Pounder" with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: "Quarter Pounder" with cheese? Well, I can see the cheese but? do they have Krusty's "Partially Gelatinated, Non-Dairy, Gum-Based Beverages"?
Lou: Yeah, they call them "shakes."
Eddie: Huh. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IX (#10.4)" (1998)
Chief Wiggum: At this time we have no leads but I can safely say that Apu didn't suffer.
Lou: It looks like he suffered to me chief.
Chief Wiggum: Aw jeeze Lou. How long were you planning on letting me drink this stuff?

"The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (#2.11)" (1991)
Homer Simpson: [has been pulled over by Eddie and Lou, who are each wearing sunglasses and in a rather cocky mood] I'm sorry, officer, I know I was going too fast, just give me a ticket.
Eddie: I beg your pardon?
Homer Simpson: Just give me a ticket!
Lou: Whoa, well, that sounded like an order.
Homer Simpson: I pay my taxes and they pay your salary, so when I say give me a ticket, just give me a ticket!
Eddie: Uh-huh. Maybe we don't want to give you a ticket.
Lou: Maybe we want to haul your butt in, wiseguy.
[cut to Homer being shoved into a jail cell]
Eddie: [off-camera] Hey, look what else your tax dollars pay for, huh?
[Eddie and Lou laugh as the door slams shut]

"The Simpsons: So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show (#4.18)" (1993)
Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.
Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code 8.
Lou: [on the radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Chief Wiggum: [sees Fat Tony and his mobsters dragging a body wrapped in a sheet to the lake] Uh sorry, sorry, no dumping in the lake!
Fat Tony: Fine, I will put my *yard trimmings* in a car compactor.
[he and the mobsters walk off with the body]
Lou: Uh, Chief, I think there was a dead body in there.
Chief Wiggum: I thought that too, until he said yard trimmings. You gotta learn to listen, Lou.

"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say, Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says.

"The Simpsons: D'oh-in' in the Wind (#10.6)" (1998)
Chief Wiggum: OK, boys, set your night sticks on "whomp."
Lou: [twirling his night stick] Er, chief? Mine's stuck on "twirl."

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVII (#18.4)" (2006)
Chief Wiggum: Guys we have to assume our guns are useless. Throw them in the lake.
[after doing that]
Chief Wiggum: Good, now the police car.
[after doing that]
Chief Wiggum: Hey, did you get my sweater from the front seat?
Lou: Um, yeah.
Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah? Then where is it?
Lou: [sighs] I'll go get it, Chief.
[Walks into the lake]

"The Simpsons: Homer the Vigilante (#5.11)" (1994)
[looking at a board marking the cat burglar's victimized houses]
Chief Wiggum: What do you think of this, boys?
Eddie: Well, it doesn't look like anything, but if you move these two here, and this one here...
Chief Wiggum: It almost looks like an arrow.
Lou: And it's pointing right at this police station.
Chief Wiggum: Let's get out of here!
[everyone runs]

"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
Chief Wiggum: Here we are in now times. As you can see, I've gotten everything I ever wanted.
Officer Lou: Except pants that fit.
Chief Wiggum: I told you can be in this documentary as long as you don't make fun of me!
Officer Lou: I'm not making fun of you, I'm making fun of your pants!
Chief Wiggum: How would you like it if I made fun of your pants?
Officer Lou: Go ahead.
Chief Wiggum: Well they're a little, um... uh... oh, they're perfect!

"The Simpsons: Brawl in the Family (#13.7)" (2002)
Lou: Looks like another case of Monopoly related violence, chief.
Wiggum: How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?

"The Simpsons: Marge Simpson in 'Screaming Yellow Honkers' (#10.15)" (1999)
Chief Wiggum: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.
Marge: That's your hat.
Lou: She's good, chief.

"The Simpsons: The Great Simpsina (#22.18)" (2011)
Lou: Yeah, that's just what you need, Chief, another stomach.
Chief Wiggam: Shut up.

"The Simpsons: We're on the Road to D'owhere (#17.11)" (2006)
Chief Wiggum: [arresting Marge for selling prescription drugs] Save it, Ma Peddle.
Lou: Ma Peddle?
Chief Wiggum: It's a reference to Ma Kettle, a movie character from the 1940s.
Lou: Chief, if you have to explain it, it's not very good.

"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXI (#22.4)" (2010)
Lou: [facing a giant chess knight piece] Chief, I don't like the looks of that knight.
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, Lou. We're two spaces away and one to the right.
[the chess knight lands on Chief Wiggum]
Chief Wiggum: I guess it's game, set, match for me.
Lou: I think you mean check and mate, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: I just got crused by a giant horse, Lou. Can you cut me a break?

"The Simpsons: A Midsummer's Nice Dream (#22.16)" (2011)
Chief Wiggum: Men, I want these brownies confiscated.
Lou: There are no drugs on these brownies.
Chief Wiggum: I said confiscate them! And while you're at it, confiscate me a T-shirt, XXXL
Lou: I thought XXL was a wake-up call for you.
Chief Wiggum: That was for pants.