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Quotes for
Cletus Spuckler (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

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The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Cletus: [after showing Cargill a trick with his thumb] You want to know how I do it?
Russ Cargill: Four generations of inbreeding?
Cletus: [Flattered] Oh, you.

Russ Cargill: I was tricked by an idiot!
Cletus: Hey, I know how you feel; I was beat in tic-tac-toe by a chicken.

Mayor Quimby: To make sure this wall is completely idiot-proof... Cletus!
Cletus: Yes'um?
Mayor Quimby: Try to dump something in the lake.
Cletus: Okay.
[tries to go to the lake to dump a possum but keeps hitting the wall]
Cletus: I can't. I - I simply can't.

Carl: If someone distracts Cargill, the rest of us can climb up that thing.
Lenny: But who would be dumb enough to stay here while we escape with our lives?
Cletus: Ahem... My time to shine!


"The Simpsons: Yokel Chords (#18.14)" (2007)
Cletus: We home school 'em. I teach the big ones, and the big ones teach the little ones, but nobody taught me, so the whole thing is an exercise in futility.

Cletus: Brandine, what are you doing here? You're suppose to be in Iraq stopping 9/11.


"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Agnes Skinner: [Homer turns the TV on by shooting his gun at it] I've never seen such recklessness!
Louie: You mighta hurt someone!
Cletus: Are you some kind of moron?
Homer: Yeah, but...
Krusty: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.


"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
Cletus, the slack jawed yokel: [while hanging from a telephone poll] Hey, I can call my ma from up here.
[shouts]
Cletus, the slack jawed yokel: Yo ma, get off the dang roof!


"The Simpsons: I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can (#14.12)" (2003)
Cletus: Spell 'scabies!'
Lisa: S-C-A-B-I-E-S!
Brandine: [holding her baby by the shirt] Rubella, we got you a middle name!
Cletus: You ain't supposed to hold her like that.


"The Simpsons: Barting Over (#14.11)" (2003)
Homer: I've been carrying this bag of sugar to represent a baby, and...
[sees he is holding a real baby]
Homer: Wha...? Where the hell's my sugar?
[cut to Cletus and his wife with a sugar-bag in baby clothes]
Cletus: Condoleeza-Marie ain't too peppy today.
Brandine: And I don't remember her bein' this granulated.
Dia-Betty: Can I put your baby in my coffee?
Cletus: Well, the doctor said if you eat any more babies, they gonna take yer foot.


"The Simpsons: Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily (#7.3)" (1995)
[the "Family Skills" course is almost over, and the agent is testing Homer and Cletus]
Goodman: OK, let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate a typical household problem. Go.
Cletus: Uh, Pa, I cut my finger on the screen door again.
Homer: [as he strangles Cletus] Why you cotton-pickin...
[the class looks critically at Homer]
Homer: [to himself] No, I gotta pass this class for my kids.
[to Cletus]
Homer: Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'.
Cletus: I love you, Pa!
[then sobs]
Homer: I love you, Cletus!
[then sobs too]


"The Simpsons: Alone Again, Natura-Diddly (#11.14)" (2000)
Ned Flanders: Hi-diddly-ho, petal-to-the-metal-ophiles.
Homer Simpson: Flanders? Since when do you like anything cool?
Ned Flanders: Oh, I don't care for the speed, but I can't get enough of that safety gear - helmets, roll bars, caution flags...
Maude Flanders: I like the fresh air, and looking at the poor people in the infield.
Brandine: Dang, Cletus, why'd you have to park by my parents?
Cletus: Now, honey, they's my parents, too.


"The Simpsons: HOMR (#12.9)" (2001)
Cletus: Now hold still. Nothing cracks a turtle like Leon Uris.


"The Simpsons: Bart on the Road (#7.20)" (1996)
[Selma just took Cletus' picture for his driver's license]
Selma: Okay. One more step. I just gotta go laminate your license. You'll get it in two to three weeks.
Cletus: Hot damn! No more sittin' in the dirt at the drive-in!


"The Simpsons: To Surveil, with Love (#21.20)" (2010)
Mayor Quimby: Now on to the next item, the proposal for putting term limits on public office. All those in favor say "I have sex with animals".
Cletus Spuckler: I do have sex with animals, but I'm not in favor of term limits.