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: [after showing Cargill a trick with his thumb
] You want to know how I do it? Russ Cargill
: Four generations of inbreeding? Cletus
] Oh, you.
: I was tricked by an idiot! Cletus
: Hey, I know how you feel; I was beat in tic-tac-toe by a chicken.
: To make sure this wall is completely idiot-proof... Cletus! Cletus
: Yes'um? Mayor Quimby
: Try to dump something in the lake. Cletus
[tries to go to the lake to dump a possum but keeps hitting the wall
: I can't. I - I simply can't.
: If someone distracts Cargill, the rest of us can climb up that thing. Lenny
: But who would be dumb enough to stay here while we escape with our lives? Cletus
: Ahem... My time to shine!
: We home school 'em. I teach the big ones, and the big ones teach the little ones, but nobody taught me, so the whole thing is an exercise in futility.
: Brandine, what are you doing here? You're suppose to be in Iraq stopping 9/11.
: [Homer turns the TV on by shooting his gun at it
] I've never seen such recklessness! Louie
: You mighta hurt someone! Cletus
: Are you some kind of moron? Homer
: Yeah, but... Krusty
: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.
Cletus, the slack jawed yokel
: [while hanging from a telephone poll
] Hey, I can call my ma from up here.
] Cletus, the slack jawed yokel
: Yo ma, get off the dang roof!
: He really speaks to me, the average Joe six-tooth. Cletus's Wife
: When did you get another tooth? Cletus
: The sidewalk.
[the "Family Skills" course is almost over, and the agent is testing Homer and Cletus
: OK, let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate a typical household problem. Go. Cletus
: Uh, Pa, I cut my finger on the screen door again. Homer
: [as he strangles Cletus
] Why you cotton-pickin...
[the class looks critically at Homer
: [to himself
] No, I gotta pass this class for my kids.
: Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'. Cletus
: I love you, Pa!
: I love you, Cletus!
[then sobs too
: Hi-diddly-ho, petal-to-the-metal-ophiles. Homer Simpson
: Flanders? Since when do you like anything cool? Ned Flanders
: Oh, I don't care for the speed, but I can't get enough of that safety gear - helmets, roll bars, caution flags... Maude Flanders
: I like the fresh air, and looking at the poor people in the infield. Brandine
: Dang, Cletus, why'd you have to park by my parents? Cletus
: Now, honey, they's my parents, too.
: Now on to the next item, the proposal for putting term limits on public office. All those in favor say "I have sex with animals". Cletus Spuckler
: I do have sex with animals, but I'm not in favor of term limits.
: Spell 'scabies!' Lisa
: S-C-A-B-I-E-S! Brandine
: [holding her baby by the shirt
] Rubella, we got you a middle name! Cletus
: You ain't supposed to hold her like that.
: I've been carrying this bag of sugar to represent a baby, and...
[sees he is holding a real baby
: Wha...? Where the hell's my sugar?
[cut to Cletus and his wife with a sugar-bag in baby clothes
: Condoleeza-Marie ain't too peppy today. Brandine
: And I don't remember her bein' this granulated. Dia-Betty
: Can I put your baby in my coffee? Cletus
: Well, the doctor said if you eat any more babies, they gonna take yer foot.
: Now hold still. Nothing cracks a turtle like Leon Uris.
[Selma just took Cletus' picture for his driver's license
: Okay. One more step. I just gotta go laminate your license. You'll get it in two to three weeks. Cletus
: Hot damn! No more sittin' in the dirt at the drive-in!