Moe Szyslak
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Quotes for
Moe Szyslak (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Simpsons: Pygmoelian (#11.16)" (2000)
Moe: Hey, there's one thing I don't get though. When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face? I mean, shouldn't I have turned into some kind of third face that was different? I mean, it don't make no...
[cuts to the end of the episode]

Homer: Moe, the new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture.
Moe: Oh, boy! Move over liquor license.
[takes the license of the wall]
Lenny: [examining the license] Hey, Moe, this license expired in 1973, and it's only good in Rhose Island... and it's signed by you!
Moe: Yeah, yeah. I've been meaning to get that updated, uh, for this state and... real.

Moe: Am I really that ugly?
Carl: Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat?
Moe: Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought!
[He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer start sobbing]
Carl: [to camera] See, this is why I don't talk much.

Moe: Aw, c'mon, look at me. I'm a gargoyle. What with the cauliflower ear, there, and the lizard lips...
Carl: Little rat eyes...
Homer: Caveman brow...
Lenny: Don't forget that fish snout.
Moe: Okay, I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at.
Lenny: Or listen to.
Carl: Or be with.

Moe: Plastic surgery, huh? Eh, maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser.
Carl: Oh, I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside, but you still might feel bad in the inside.
Moe: But I'd look good on the outside, right?
Carl: Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.
Moe: Plastic surgery it is!

[Dr. Velimirovic and his nurse prepare Moe, who lies on the operating table with his eyes closed, for surgery]
Nurse: Hoo-boy, what a mug.
Dr. Velimirovic: Yeah, you should see his genitals. Would you like to see them?
Moe: I'm awake here.

Moe: Homer, did you hear that? She called me handsome. Me! It's like I've gone to Heaven.
[worried]
Moe: Wait a minute. I died on the operating table, didn't I?
Homer: Heh, heh, heh, heh. Yeah, bu just for a minute. It's a funny story. I'll tell you sometime.

Moe: I didn't bring you back to life so you could make a fool of me at the club!
Homer: [reading from a script] You don't love me! The only thing you love is your ear, nose, and throat pavilion.
Moe: I've dedicated my life to diseases of the head holes, but the one hole I've never been able to fix is the one in my soul.
Homer: That was amazing, Moe. I'm actually a little turned on.

Moe: I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.

Moe: Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.
Homer: I know what you mean. Our dog had that.

Moe: And what do you have to tell us O Angel of the Future?
Homer: [dressed as an angel] You're going to die in a sky-diving accident.
Moe: How tragic! Tell me more.
Homer: Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists... with sexy results.
Moe: Ooh! That's unexpected. What else?
Homer: Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team... with sexy results.

Duff Man: [watering his plants] That brown spot needs some H2O! Oh yeah!
Moe: [Moe walks up to him] Hey Duffman! How would you like a sticker on YOUR face?
Duff Man: [Moe slaps the sticker onto his face, Duff man falls to the ground, struggling to get the sticker off] Duffman can't breathe! Oh no!

[Moe is on a soap opera]
Moe: Cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never last. I mean, I'm a doctor and you're a 5000-year-old mummy I brought back to life.


The Simpsons Movie (2007)
[Moe sports a bathrobe and a traffic cone on his head]
Marge Simpson: Why are you dressed like that?
Moe: Well, I don't like to brag, but I am now the Emperor of Springfield.
Barney Gumble: No, you're not!
[throws fire bomb at Moe]
Moe: Yes, I am!
[throws bomb back and it explodes]
Barney Gumble: Okay. Hail Emperor.

Moe: What are you telling us, were trapped like rats?
Russ Cargill: No, rats can't be trapped this easily, you're trapped like... carrots.

[Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day sings "da-da-da" to the final part of the Simpsons tune, following his teleprompter]
Billie Joe Armstrong: Alright, well thanks a lot for coming. We've been playing for three and a half hours, now we'd like just a minute of your time to say something about the environment.
[there is a deathly silence, followed by huge boos from the Springfieldians. They start throwing things at Green Day]
Barney Gumble: Preachy!
Billie Joe Armstrong: We're not being preachy!
Tre Cool: But the pollution in your lake - it's dissolving our barge!
[Moe is sitting in a deck chair. Lisa is standing next to him]
Lisa Simpson: I thought they touched on a vital issue.
Moe: I beg to differ.
[He throws a rock at the stage, which penetrates the bass drum and hits Frank in the crotch]
Tre Cool: Oh.
Mike Dirnt: Gentlemen, it's been an honour playing with you tonight.
[Green Day put down their instruments and bring out violins as the barge sinks. Lisa looks on woefully]

[to the angry mob, as Homer tries to escape through the sinkhole]
Moe: The top of his head is still showing! Claw at it!

Lisa Simpson: This town is just one piece of trash away from a toxic nightmare! But I knew you wouldn't listen. So I took the liberty of pouring water from the lake in all your drinking glasses!
[everyone spits out their water in disgust]
Moe: See, this is why we should hate kids!

Russ Cargill: My name is Russ Cargill and I'm the head of the EPA.
Moe: The what?
Russ Cargill: Environmental Protection Agency.
Lenny: Come again?
Russ Cargill: Look, I'm a man on a big TV. Just listen.


"The Simpsons: Dumbbell Indemnity (#9.16)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: Whatever happened to your mail order bride?
Moe Szyslak: Oh, she got homesick for her old life; diving for tourist pennies in a Micronesian swamp.
Homer Simpson: So, her career got in the way.
Moe Szyslak: Ehh, I don't blame her. No girl wants to end up with a Joe Puke-Pail like me.
Homer Simpson: Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe. You're a fabulous catch.
Moe Szyslak: Oh yeah? Well, uh, how come I ain't fending off movie stars with a pointy stick?
Homer Simpson: Oh, its probably due to your ugliness. But, that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman!

Moe Szyslak: Homer, I need your help. You got to steal this car and wreck it for me.
Homer Simpson: Steal? Oh no, you got the wrong guy.
Moe Szyslak: Come on Homer, I'm one of your dearest friends... When everybody said you were to drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys?
Homer Simpson: Aww... You did.

[Moe is describing a plan to Homer]
Moe: Okay Homer, this olive is you...
Homer: Mmm... me...

Moe: Bring us your finest food, stuffed with your second-finest.
Waiter: Very well, the lobster stuffed with tacos.

Moe: Ronee's not gonna want to go out with no Joe Pinchpenny.


"The Simpsons: Whiskey Business (#24.19)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: First we have to make sure you're okay. Who's President now?
Moe Szyslak: Some jerk.
Homer Simpson: He's okay.

Moe Szyslak: Four guys, a chick and a noose. Just like the kind of movies I like.

Stranger: [Bumps into Moe] Oh, sorry, pal.
Moe Szyslak: Sorry, pal? That's common courtesy, the kind I've only seen in the movies.

Moe Szyslak: Without my magic suit, I'm nothin'.
Marge Simpson: Moe, have you ever heard the story of Dumbo the elephant?
Moe Szyslak: I didn't go to the movies much as a child. I worked at a pierogi factory. Stick in the potato, fold in the dough, that was my Star Wars.
Marge Simpson: Dumbo had a magic feather that made him fly, but then he found out that the feather wasn't magic. The magic was inside him all along.
Lisa Simpson: Let me get this straight: Moe is Dumbo, the whiskey is Dumbo's ears, and we're that bunch of racist crows?
Homer Simpson: Honey, the crows weren't racist. The people who drew them were.

[last lines]
Moe Szyslak: [to noose] Sorry, not today, old friend. But don't worry, holidays are just around the corner.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Vigilante (#5.11)" (1994)
Homer Simpson: Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-ball, Skinner can be Eight-ball, Barney will be Twelve-ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-ball.
Moe Szyslak: You're an idiot.

Malloy: Homer, old chap, well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you.
Homer Simpson: Actually, it wasn't me, it was my dad, Grampa.
Abe Simpson: Thanks, Son. So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him! Ah ha ha ha...
Moe Szyslak: Shut up.
Abe Simpson: [meekly] I've had my moment.

Homer Simpson: Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-Ball, Skinner can be Eight-Ball, Barney will be Twelve-Ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-Ball.
Moe Szyslak: You're an idiot.

Jimbo Jones: Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?
Homer Simpson: I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?
Jimbo Jones: Can I!
Homer Simpson: You're in. Here's the sack!
Moe Szyslak: But you gotta supply your own knobs!

[forming a vigilante group]
Homer: All right, I'll be Cue Ball. Barney can be Eight Ball, Lenny will be Twelve Ball, and Moe, you'll be Cue Ball.
Moe: You're an idiot.


"The Simpsons: The Blue and the Gray (#22.13)" (2011)
Moe Szyslak: My name is Moe Szyslak. When I was a kid I had round worm - Heck, I was more worm than boy for a couple of years - I dabbled in Satanism until I was asked to leave, oh, and one month I ate nothing but aquarium fish.

Homer Simpson: I can't stand Marge's gray hair. It's like I'm married to Richard Gere.
[Phone rings]
Homer Simpson: Not now, phone. I'm talking to myself. It's okay, Homer. It's just a couple of minutes. Thanks, Homer.
[Picks up phone]
Homer Simpson: Hello?
Moe Szyslak: Hello, wing man? You were supposed to be here two minutes ago.
Homer Simpson: Oh, thank you, prior commitment!
[Kisses receiver and hangs up]

Moe Szyslak: I love Valentines Day. Just mix a couple of drops of Jagermeister with some pink lemonade, add some cherry chapstick, call it Cupid's Ambrosia and charge it up the wazoo.

Moe Szyslak: Excuse me, is this the seminar where you learn how to pick up chicks?
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, we're certainly not here to learn how to fold napkins.
Ned Flanders: Looks like I came in here for nothing.

Dr. Kissingher: Your only hope is to get a wingman.
Moe Szyslak: What's a wingman?
Dr. Kissingher: A wingman is a friend who...
Moe Szyslak: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now I gotta get a friend?


"The Simpsons: Team Homer (#7.12)" (1996)
Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.

Moe: Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?

Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

[while Homer is sneaking into Burns' mansion]
Moe, Carl, Lenny: [cheering] Homer, Homer, he's our man, if he can't do it, no-one can!
Homer: [beset by hounds] Aaaaargghh!
Carl: Oh, I guess no-one can.
Lenny: He's done for. Let's get out of there!
Moe, Carl, Lenny: Aaaaaahhhhh!

Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.


"The Simpsons: The Homer They Fall (#8.3)" (1996)
Homer Simpson: You used to be a boxer just like me?
Moe Szyslak: Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And finally, Kid Moe.

Moe Szyslak: Are you man enough to test every one of your limits?
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Moe Szyslak: And are you man enough to throw a punch should the opportunity arise?
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Moe Szyslak: And are you man enough to give me a sixty percent cut?
Homer Simpson: Yes!
Moe Szyslak: I'll take it.
Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo!

Moe Szyslak: Who's gonna knock you down?
Homer Simpson: No one!
Moe Szyslak: When are you gonna fight back?
Homer Simpson: Never!
Moe Szyslak: What are you gonna do?
Homer Simpson: Nothing!
Moe Szyslak: That's my boy!

Moe Szyslak: Fun's over, fellas! If you're gonna beat up my friend in my bar, there's a two-drink minimum.

Moe Szyslak: Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with them than I did.
Homer Simpson: Gee, thanks, Moe. What's this?
Moe Szyslak: Ah, that's the barbed wire. We called that the stinger. They, uh... they don't let you use that no more.


"The Simpsons: Flaming Moe's (#3.10)" (1991)
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check.
[calls]
Moe: Hugh Jass! Hey, I want a Hugh Jass! Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
Hugh Jass: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone.
Hugh Jass: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh, hi.
Hugh Jass: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh Jass: What can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta back-fired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh Jass: All right. Better luck next time.
[hangs up]
Hugh Jass: What a nice young man.

Moe: Hey, Homer came up with the drink, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.

Moe: Don't worry, I learned how to make plenty of drinks at bartending school.
[reading off an old mixed drink recipe list]
Moe: Gin and... tonic? Do they mix?

Moe: People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.


"The Simpsons: My Fare Lady (#26.14)" (2015)
Moe Szyslak: Thanks, guys, for getting me this job after destroying my bar. I'll never forget or forgive what you did for and to me. So thanks a lot. Also, thanks a lot!

Moe Szyslak: [after Lenny and Carl leave] Oh, suddenly they're too good for me?
Homer Simpson: Well, some people still act like they're still in grade school.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, so now you're going to throw your grade school education on my face?
Homer Simpson: You know what, Moe? You're a real jerk! I didn't mind it when it came with beer.
Moe Szyslak: I don't need you. I'm all the company I need.
[Sees reflection on tureen]
Moe Szyslak: Ugh! Suddenly I lost my appetite.

Marge Simpson: You know, we've all be happier if we both quit our jobs.
Moe Szyslak: You know what, Midge? You're right. I'm gonna rebuild my bar better than before.
[Enters]
Moe Szyslak: Oh, my God! I don't remember it being this bad!

Russian Cab Driver: So, you return from a hard day of taking our jobs to your lover.
Marge Simpson: He's not my lover.
Moe Szyslak: Let the man speak!


"The Simpsons: Moe'N'A Lisa (#18.6)" (2006)
Moe Szyslak: Ooh, you have clear water! Swanky!

Lisa Simpson: Moe, you are a heartless jerk!
Moe Szyslak: Whoa, where did that come from? Oh, right. My actions.

Tom Wolfe: Moe, which writer has influenced you? Jack Kerouac? Chuck Bukowski? Me, Tom Wolfe?
Moe Szyslak: Well, the last book I read was Superhound: the Guide to Dograce Betting. Any of you wetnaps wrote that?

Moe Szyslak: Here I am all depressed, when I'm surrounded by the happiest people in the world, writers.


"The Simpsons: The Saga of Carl (#24.21)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: It says here that Iceland is green and Greenland is icy. The Vikings switched the names to screw with people.
[All laugh; cut to them shivering in Iceland]
Moe Szyslak: Stupid Vikings! It's still pretty damn cold!
Lenny Leonard: All I brought was shorts.

Moe Szyslak: Say, have you seen our friend? He's about this tall, wears a jacket, has no visible tattoos...
Homer Simpson: Just say he's black.
Moe Szyslak: You say he's black!

Moe Szyslak: [as Lenny fights Carl] When the nice ones snap, it's always a good show.

Moe Szyslak: Take a break from your dreary lives and listen to Americans lecture you.


"The Simpsons: Simpson Tide (#9.19)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: I've joined the Naval Reserve.
Barney: I'm not going to let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too.
Moe: I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers, I'm joining, too.
Apu: Even though my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey.

[onboard a submarine]
Homer Simpson: Mr. Moe, prepare to surface.
Moe: You want to stop calling me Mr. Moe?
Homer Simpson: No.

[Homer and Moe are serving on a nuclear sub]
Homer: Damage report, Mr. Moe.
Moe: Sonar: out. Navigation: out. Radio: out.
Homer: Enough of what's out. What's in?
Moe: Ice-blended moccha drinks and David Schwimmer.
Homer: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.


"The Simpsons: Judge Me Tender (#21.23)" (2010)
Moe Szyslak: Hey, clown! We've heard your stand-up, now how about some shut-up?
Krusty the Clown: Everyone's a comedian!
Moe Szyslak: Everyone except you!

Moe Szyslak: They love me for my bile, and I've got a spleen full.

Simon Cowell: So, how do you like L.A.?
Moe Szyslak: It's a helluva city. It's like someone stepped on New York and scraped it on the beach.
Simon Cowell: Clever. Slightly nasty. Very impressive.


"The Simpsons: Trash of the Titans (#9.22)" (1998)
Homer Simpson: [Pushes in front of a queue] I wanna register to run for sanitation commissioner. And tell the fat cats upstairs things are gonna change in this town.
Clerk: Okay, but this is where you register as a sex offender.
Moe: [Arriving at the back of the queue] Oh, jeez, there's always a line.

Ray Patterson: Oh gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying to... leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed, thank you, bye.
Moe: He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

Ray Patterson: Oh gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but, it's so gratifying to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed, thank you, bye.
Moe: He's right. He ain't much on speeches.


"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Kancelled (#4.22)" (1993)
[the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk into Moe's bar in their underwear]
Anthony Kiedis: What's up, Moe.
Flea: HEY MOE!
Moe Szyslak: Hey! You guys can't come in here dressed like that!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: [In his underwear] Get with the time, Moe.
Chief Wiggum: [In his underwear] Yeah, I say if it feels good, do it.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Alright.
[stretches Wiggum's underwear and snaps him with them - laughs histerically]
Chief Wiggum: Don't snap my undies.

[the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing at Moe's bar]
Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, do you want to appear on a Krusty comeback special?
Flea: Sure, if you can get us outta this gig.
Bart: No problemo.
[Bart points to the wall behind Moe]
Bart: Hey Moe, look over there.
Moe: What? What am I looking at?
[Bart and the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk out the door]
Moe: I'm gonna stop looking here in a second. What, is *that* it?
[Homer walks into the bar]
Homer: Hey Moe, can I look too?
Moe: Sure, but it'll cost ya.
Homer: My wallet's in the car.
[He runs outside]
Moe: He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall...

Anthony Kiedis: You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people.
Moe: It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play. The audience is getting restless.
Barney: [flicking a lighter] We want chilly-willy. We want chilly-willy.


"The Simpsons: New Kid on the Block (#4.8)" (1992)
[answering a prank phone call from Bart]
Moe: Moe's Tavern... Yeah, just a sec, I'll check.
[calling out]
Moe: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
[whole bar bursts into laughter]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [into phone] You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!

Laura Powers: Hello I'd like to speak to Mrs Tinkle, first name,
[Bart whispers in Laura's ear]
Laura Powers: Ivana.
Moe: Hold on just a sec. Ivana tinkle? Ivana tinkle? Everybody put down their glasses Ivana tinkle?
[Bar Patrons Laugh and so do Laura and Bart]

Moe: Oh, I better get back and check on Barney.
Barney: [drinking beer straight from the tap] Oh, oh, my heart stopped!
[after about 10 seconds]
Barney: There it goes.


"The Simpsons: The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase (#8.24)" (1997)
Moe: Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love.
Grampa: Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front".

Moe: May I have this dance?
Woman: [walking away] It's all yours.

Moe: All right, I guess I might as well come clean. I'm not real good with women, and I really wanted to do ya, so I brought along the love tester to help me. As you may have guessed, it's possessed by the dead spirit of my best friend's father.


"The Simpsons: Fear of Flying (#6.11)" (1994)
[after Homer has been banned from Moe's, a man comes in who looks exactly like Homer except for a fake-looking moustache and an English voice]
Guy N. Cognito: Greetings good men, might I trouble you for a drink?
Moe: Oh get out of here, Homer!
Guy N. Cognito: Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy N. Cognito.
[Homer walks past Moe's, despondent. From inside comes the sound of Guy N. Cognito getting beaten up by Moe, and he's thrown unconscious out of the bar and onto the street]
Homer: Oh, my God, this man is my exact double!
[a small, fluffy-tailed dog walks by]
Homer: That dog has a fluffy tail!
[Homer leaves Guy and starts pursuing the dog]
Homer: Come here, fluff!

Moe: That's it, Homer. I'm taking your caricature down from Mount Lushmore, and I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.
Homer: "It's Raining Men"?
Moe: Yeah, not no more it ain't.

Guy N. Cognito: [comes into Moe's looking exactly like Homer except for a fake-looking moustache and silly voice] Hello! My name is Guy N. Cognito.
Moe: Get out of here, Homer!
[sound of Guy N. Cognito getting beaten up and thrown unconscious into the street]
Homer: [walking along despondent until he stumbles onto Guy N. Cognito] Oh, my God, this man is my exact double!
[a small, puffy-tailed dog walks by]
Homer: That dog has a puffy tail!
[Homer leaves Guy and starts pursuing the dog]
Homer: Here, puff!


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Skeptic (#9.8)" (1997)
Moe Szyslak: Lisa's right, it's an angel!

Moe: Go home, science girl.
Lisa: I am home.
Moe: Good, then stay there.

Moe Szyslak: [after being crushed by a Mastodon tusk] Oh I'm paralyzed. I just hope medical science can cure me.


"The Simpsons: The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons (#9.7)" (1997)
Homer Simpson: But, you can't leave. We're scammin' an old lady at my house, and I need a place to hide out.
Moe Szyslak: Sorry, Homer. I've been plannin' this vacation for years. I'm finally gonna see Easter Island.
Homer Simpson: Oh, right. With the giant heads.
Moe Szyslak: With the what now?

Moe: I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally going to see Easter Island.
Homer: Oh, right, with the giant heads.
Moe: With the what now?


"The Simpsons: Four Great Women and a Manicure (#20.20)" (2009)
Selma Bouvier: [as Elizabeth I] I don't need a man, for I have England.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

Lenny: There's something in our house.
Moe Szyslak: Let's put a pick axe in its brain!
Lenny: You're in marketing. Why do you even have a pick axe?
Moe Szyslak: If you were in marketing, you'd know.


"The Simpsons: The Strong Arms of the Ma (#14.9)" (2003)
Moe Szyslak: Ugh, listen Marge, um- how can I put this delicately? I don't got enough booze in this place to make you look good.
Marge Simpson: [breaks jar of pickled eggs on bar counter and points jagged edge of jar at Moe] Maybe death will stop your yammering.

Moe: Well the only way I can recoup from this is...
[takes out a can of gas, pours it all over his bar, and throws and lighted match on it]
Carl: Um, aren't you supposed to get insurance first?
Moe: Oh crap.


"The Simpsons: The Cartridge Family (#9.5)" (1997)
Homer: [the Mexican soccer team has the first possession of the ball and is cautiously kicking the ball around, setting up for a goal as the Portugal team stands there, awaiting the play to develop. The crowd quickly grows bored]
[shouts]
Homer: Boring!
Krusty: Come on, you schnorers, do something!
Kent Brockman: [sounding bored as he calls the actions] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it.
[rolls eyes]
Kent Brockman: Holds it...
Foreign-accented sports commentator: [excitedly] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!
Sideshow Mel: I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving!
Moe: Yeah, not before me you ain't.
Ned Flanders: Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone!
Moe: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal!
[puts Flanders into a headlock]
Principal Skinner: Hey, now, that's uncalled for.
Lenny: Shut your hole, Skinner!
[punches Skinner in the stomach which causes him to fall down the stairs]

Marge: How did you know we were being robbed?
Lenny: The clerk here pressed the silent alarm, and we picked it up on our scanners.
Lisa: Did anyone stop that robber?
Moe: No, I don't think so.


"The Simpsons: Some Enchanted Evening (#1.13)" (1990)
Moe: [answering phone] Moe's tavern.
Bart: Hello. Is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name Coholic.
Moe: Lemme check.
[to the bar patrons]
Moe: Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. Is there an Al Coholic here?

Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart Simpson: Is Oliver there?
Moe: Who?
Bart Simpson: Oliver Clothesoff.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
[a ghostly Moe appears in the hotel's bar]
Moe Szyslak: So, what'll it be, Homer?
Homer Simpson: Moe, gimme a beer!
Moe Szyslak: No. Not unless you kill your family.
Homer Simpson: Why should I kill my family?
Moe Szyslak: Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.
Homer Simpson: You don't look so happy.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, I'm happy! I'm very happy! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! See? Now waste your family, I'll give you a beer!

Moe: Homer, it's Moe. Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.
Homer Simpson: Can't murder now, eating.
Moe: Oh, for crying out loud. Come on!


"The Simpsons: The Princess Guide (#26.15)" (2015)
Homer Simpson: She's gone!
Moe Szyslak: And she trashed my bar! No, wait, she actually cleaned up a little bit. Good for her.

Moe Szyslak: Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, broom. Goodnight jukebox that won't play a tune. Goodnight, eggs. Goodnight, dregs. Goodnight, bugs crawling up my legs. Goodnight, beer. Goodnight, mice. Goodnight princess who treats me nice.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIV (#25.2)" (2013)
Mr. Burns: Behold, the most hideous of all!
[Opens curtain to reveal Moe]
Moe Szyslak: How you doin'?
[Crowd gasps in horror]
Moe Szyslak: Anyone here from New Jersey?
[Woman raises her hand]
Moe Szyslak: I'm going there next week.
[Woman screams and faints]

Moe Szyslak: My mother's wedding ring. She gave it to me in her death bed. She also acquired it in her death bed. That was a very busy death bed.


"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob Roberts (#6.5)" (1994)
Birchibald T. Barlow: [on the radio] I want all of you out there to do everything in your power to see that Bob is set free!
Moe Szyslak: All right, you heard the man.
[He takes a box out from under the bar]
Moe Szyslak: Everybody, one grenade each.
Barney Gumble: Moe, I think he meant through non-violent, grassroots, poltical action.
Moe Szyslak: Really? You think? Okay, hand 'em back. Come on, everybody.
[mad]
Moe Szyslak: Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?

Moe Szyslak: All right, you heard the man. One granade each.
[handing out a granade fro ma box of granades, to each bar patron]
Barney Gumble: Moe, I think he meant through non-violent grassroots political action.
Moe Szyslak: Ah, geez, really, you think so? All right - give 'em back. Come on, everybody give 'em back. Hey, HEY! Who pulled the pin on this one?


"The Simpsons: Homer's Odyssey (#1.3)" (1990)
Moe Szyslak: Moe's Tavern.
Bart Simpson: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe Szyslak: Who?
Bart Simpson: Freely. First initials I.P.
Moe Szyslak: Hold on, I'll check. Is I.P. Freely here? I.P. Freely!

[Bart is crank calling Moe's Tavern. Moe answers the phone]
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Freely. First initials, I. P.
Moe: Hey, everybody, I pee freely!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XX (#21.4)" (2009)
Moe Szyslak: [as he's carried away by munchers] Little tip, you might want to wash me before you eat me.

Moe Szyslak: A little more hemoglobin, and your wife will be disrobin'.


"The Simpsons: The Last Temptation of Homer (#5.9)" (1993)
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe Szyslak: [not very interested] Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend, Joey Jo-Jo Junior... Shabadoo?
Moe Szyslak: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[a man runs out of Moe's crying]
Barney Gumble: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!

Homer: Moe, I've got a friend named Joey... Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
[a man runs out of the bar crying]
Barney: Wait! Joey Joe Joe!


"The Simpsons: Eeny Teeny Maya Moe (#20.16)" (2009)
Moe Szyslak: [after Maya dumps him, Moe is cleaning his empty bar when Homer comes in] Whatsa matter, Homer?
Homer Simpson: Not a thing in the world.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, I wish I could say the same.
Homer Simpson: Moe, this is a great thing for you. You went from sitting on the sidelines to getting in the game! Sometime, when you least expect it, you'll realize that someone loved you. And that means that someone can love you again! And that'll make you smile.

Moe Szyslak: [as Moe wipes down the bar, he thinks of Maya and sighs sadly, then smiles] Hey, Homer was right.
Moe Szyslak: [Moe walks over to a picture of himself with Maya] Who'd have thought that such a little woman could make me feel so big?


"The Simpsons: Homer the Moe (#13.3)" (2001)
Moe: You can't run a bar in your garage, it's illegal.
Homer: Bar? This isn't a bar. This is a hunting club.
Michael Stipe: You lied to us.
[Michael Stipe smashes a beer bottle and tries to attack Homer]
Peter Buck: Michael, no.
Mike Mills: It's not the R.E.M. way.
Michael Stipe: You're right. Come on, let's recycle these shards and get out of here.

Moe: It's like my dad always said: eventually, everybody gets shot.


"The Simpsons: A Tale of Two Springfields (#12.2)" (2000)
Moe: Enough chit-chat, let's see how you like flaming garbage!

Moe: Homer's right! We're gettin' the Joan Collins special!


"The Simpsons: Days of Wine and D'oh'ses (#11.18)" (2000)
Barney Gumble: Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behaviour over the last twenty years.
Moe: No, that's okay, Barn.
Barney Gumble: No it's not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet, and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.
Moe: Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.

Moe: [Homer arrives at Moe's] Hey Homer!
[as Homer starts to sit down]
Moe: Oh no no no, don't sit there
[wipes off another stool]
Moe: take this seat right next to the tap
Homer: But that's Barney's seat! Are you trying to make me the new Barney?
Moe: Hey ever bar needs a world class drunk
Lenny: Yeah someone who makes our alcoholism seem less raging
Homer: Well forget it I am not Barney!
[let's out a belch just like Barney's signature belch]
Moe: [everyone laughs at Homer] See Homer, it's not so bad, now dance rummy!
Homer: [sadly] Oh, okay
[hums a tunes while dancing in a disappointed manner]


"The Simpsons: Homer's Phobia (#8.15)" (1997)
Homer: ...And the whole steel mill was gay.
Moe: Jeez, where ya been, Homer? The whole steel *industry's* gay.

[Homer is worried that Bart will turns out gay]
Moe: Come on, don't take this so hard, Homer. You still got that other kid, uh... Lisa. Let's, uh, take her out hunting tomorrow; make her into a man.
Homer: Aw, she'd never go. She's a vegetarian.
Moe: Oh, geez! Homer, geez! You and Marge ain't cousins, are you?


"The Simpsons: Miracle on Evergreen Terrace (#9.10)" (1997)
Moe Szyslak: Ah, sounds like you're having a rough Christmas, Homer. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
Homer Simpson: [drunk] Yeah. You're right, Moe. You're always, Moe.

Moe: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
Homer: [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe.


"The Simpsons: E Pluribus Wiggum (#19.10)" (2008)
Reporter: Are you a registered voter?
Moe: I'm a registered something.


"The Simpsons: Moe Letter Blues (#21.21)" (2010)
Moe Szyslak: Boy, this voice-over stuff is kiling me. Whatever they pay Don Pardo for this, it ain't enough.
Don Pardo: I make more than you can possibly imagine, and I'm making it right now!
Moe Szyslak: Where are you?


"The Simpsons: Mona Leaves-a (#19.19)" (2008)
Moe Szyslak: I like creating disappointment. You know that little moment when people's hope dies? I feed on that.


"The Simpsons: Love Is a Many Strangled Thing (#22.17)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: Can't talk now. Texting.
Moe Szyslak: Ooh, a text. Heh. Let's see... text message for I.M. A. Weiner. As you can all see, I.M. A. Weiner.
Barney Gumble: [the barflies all laugh] I see it, Moe!
Moe Szyslak: Why you... when I...
[texting]
Moe Szyslak: "When I a hold of you..." Oh, damn it, I typed a 'F' and not a 'D'. Uh... delete, delete, delete, delete. Oh, crap, I just donated $20 to Haiti.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIII (#24.2)" (2012)
Moe Szyslak: [after being decapitated, his head is kicked around by kids] Boy, soccer is even boring for the ball.


"The Simpsons: The Fight Before Christmas (#22.8)" (2010)
Moe Szyslak: [Jumping to try to kiss Katy Perry] I guess I'll just have to kiss your belly button.
[Kisses her midsection]
Katy Perry: That's not my belly button. I didn't say stop.


"The Simpsons: The Parent Rap (#13.2)" (2001)
Homer: Careful. These pants cost me 600$.
Moe: 600$?
Homer: Yeah, they're Italian.
Moe: [pulls out shotgun and points it at Homer] All right, hand them over.
Homer: Moe?
Moe: Yeah, I rob now.


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. the 18th Amendment (#8.18)" (1997)
[Moe is about to open his bar on St. Patrick's day]
Moe Szyslak: All right, this is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are my designated drivers?
[a few guys raise their hands]
Moe Szyslak: Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates!


"The Simpsons: Weekend at Burnsie's (#13.16)" (2002)
[Homer is surrounded by crows at Moe's Bar]
Moe Szyslak: All right, get 'em outta here. This ain't no crow-bar. THIS is a crow-bar.
[Moe reaches under the counter and pulls out a portrait of crows sitting at a bar]
Moe Szyslak: See? They got their little stools and everything.


"The Simpsons: MoneyBart (#22.3)" (2010)
Lisa Simpson: I was wondering if you and your friends could tell me about baseball strategy.
Moe Szyslak: The only thing I know about strategy is that everything the manager does is crap. Unless it works, in which case he's a button pusher.
Lenny: I hate people who just push buttons all day.
Carl: You just push buttons all day.
Lenny: You know, ever since Obama came in, you have all the answers, don't you?


"The Simpsons: Adventures in Baby-Getting (#24.3)" (2012)
Moe: When you've been around as long as I had, you get used to everything. Runaway monorails, giant sinkholes, Jeff Gordon...
Jeff Gordon: Hey, Moe.
Moe: Hey. I bet we never see him again.


"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
Moe: Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe: The results came back today.


"The Simpsons: Walking Big & Tall (#26.13)" (2015)
Moe Szyslak: Our song has had her lips on half of America, even... Des Moines!
[spits]


"The Simpsons: Secrets of a Successful Marriage (#5.22)" (1994)
Homer: [playing poker, gagging and coughing up poker chips] Ew! Don't try to eat these so called "chips".
Moe: Are you gonna take some cards, or not?
Homer: Oh... heh, yeah.
[takes four cards]
Homer: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Er, I mean, "woohoo".
Moe: I'm in.
Lenny: I'm in.
Carl: I'm in.
Barney: I'm in.
[belches]
Homer: Aww, I was bluffing.
[lays out cards]
Moe: Ha, ha, ha! Come to papa!
[takes chips and looks at cards]
Moe: What? You have a straight flush, Homer! Ya do this *every* time! Arrrgh-eeengh-gah! Choking on my own rage here!


"The Simpsons: Postcards from the Wedge (#21.14)" (2010)
Marge Simpson: Let's have lunch at Crouching Tiger Hidden Eggroll.
Homer Simpson: No line, close to the bathrooms... I see no reason to disagree.
Bart Simpson: Smooth move, mom. Choosing the one place that doesn't serve beer.
Homer Simpson: What the... Then I wanna eat at Moe's Express.
Moe Szyslak: [to bartenders] And by express I mean express your anger at the world.


"The Simpsons: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish (#2.11)" (1991)
Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern, birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butts.
Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butts!
[the barflies laugh]
Moe: Oh, wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus bucket. When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyes with a corkscrew!
[Bart and Lisa roar with laughter]


"The Simpsons: What Animated Women Want (#24.17)" (2013)
Homer Simpson: Do you know a way to please a woman that starts with F?
Moe: As a matter of fact, I've been reading up on this Fifty Shades of Gray, and apparently what women today want is to give her what for in the bedroom.
Homer Simpson: Woo hoo! I'll woo her with woo-hoo!
Moe: I dunno, if this is what women are into, I should be a lot more popular.


"The Simpsons: A Star Is Burns (#6.18)" (1995)
Moe: [dancing on top of the bar] Money gets you one more round, drink it down, you stupid clown. Money gets you one more round, and you're out on your ass.
[falls off bar]
Moe: OW, my back.


"The Simpsons: The Seemingly Never-Ending Story (#17.13)" (2006)
Moe Syzlak: [to Homer, Barney, Lenny and Carl] Listen Boozebags! I got a good thing going here. If you mess it up, I will *out* the one of you who is gay!
[the drunks then run off in a flamboyant fashion]
Moe Syzlak: [to Edna] Now, where were we?
[they resume kissing]


"The Simpsons: Catch 'Em If You Can (#15.18)" (2004)
[Bart sneaks into the "adult video" section, discovering it's really BBC mini-series/Merchant-Ivory films]
Moe: Oh yeah. Brideshead's gonna get revisited tonight, baby!


"The Simpsons: The Old Man and the Lisa (#8.21)" (1997)
[looking at a corporate logo with Lisa's face]
Moe: It makes Little Debbie look like a pile of puke.


"The Simpsons: Principal Charming (#2.14)" (1991)
Bart: [Bart makes a crank call to Moe's after being ordered to call his father by Skinner] Excuse me, is Homer there?
Moe: Homer? Homer who?
Bart: Homer... Sexual.
Moe: Just a minute.
[announces to the bar]
Moe: Uhh Homer Sexual? Aw come on! One of you guys has gotta be a Homer Sexual.
[Patrons laugh]
Homer Simpson: [laughing] Don't look at me.


"The Simpsons: The Town (#28.3)" (2016)
Moe Szyslak: [Looking at Tom Brady on the television] I can't stand that pretty boy quarterback. He thinks he's so handsome, just because he's drop-dead gorgeous.


"The Simpsons: Tales from the Public Domain (#13.14)" (2002)
Bart Simpson: [as Hamlet] The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king!
Moe Szyslak: [as Claudius] Catch my conscience? Whaa - ?
Bart Simpson: You're not supposed to hear me. That's a soliloquy.
Moe Szyslak: Oh. Well, then I'll do a soliloquy, too.
[clears his throat]
Moe Szyslak: Note to self: kill that kid.


"The Simpsons: The PTA Disbands (#6.21)" (1995)
Moe Szyslak: [subbing for Mrs. Krabappel] Okay, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". No, say "present". Anita Bath?
[the class laughs]
Moe Szyslak: All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
[the class laughs again]
Moe Szyslak: All right, fine. Fine, uh... Maya Buttreeks.
[the class laughs]
Moe Szyslak: Hey, hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh... Oh, I get it. I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
[Moe runs out of the room sobbing]


"The Simpsons: That '90s Show (#19.11)" (2008)
Homer Simpson: Give me a beer, Moe.
Moe: I don't serve alcohol anymore. This is a cigar bar now.
Homer Simpson: Fine. Cohiba me. Leave the humidor.


"The Simpsons: The Great Wife Hope (#21.3)" (2009)
Lisa Simpson: Mom, there has to be another way.
Homer Simpson: [Dressed as Marge] There certainly is. Marge Simpson reporting for duty.
[Imitates Marge's irritated murmur]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, there is no way anyone is going to fall for that.
Moe Szyslak: Well, Marge, ready to come with me to my high school reunion?
Homer Simpson: Moe, there's something I need to tell you. It's really me, Homer.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, but last year I took Barney dressed as Marge. Think how much better you'll look.
Homer Simpson: All right. But you'd better not leave me alone to talk to your friends.
Moe Szyslak: Hey, you keep talking like that and I'll leave you here right now.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror II (#3.7)" (1991)
[after picking up the phone]
Moe: Moe's Tavern. Hold on, I'll check.
[to the bar]
Moe: Hey, everybody. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.
[the bar laughs]
Moe: Oh, wait a minute.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Enemy (#8.23)" (1997)
Bart: Milhouse. You were supposed to be the night watchman.
Milhouse: I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
Bart: Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go...
[the rats run over to Moe's]
Moe: All right, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.


"The Simpsons: Helter Shelter (#14.5)" (2002)
Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme. Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back - hey, would you cuddle me?
[the bar patrons laugh]
Moe: Dude, that little!
[turns to his own telegraph machine]
Moe: I'm going to drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific. Stop.


"The Simpsons: Homer vs. Patty and Selma (#6.17)" (1995)
[Homer has asked Moe for a loan]
Moe: Sure, Homer, I can loan you the money. However, since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.
Homer: Gee, Moe, that seems a bit extreme. Couldn't you just bash my brains in?
Moe: Are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works?
[Pulls out a sledgehammer]
Moe: Now, let's do this thing.


"The Simpsons: Home Away from Homer (#16.20)" (2005)
Townspeople: crowd cheers as prostitutes leave Flanders' house after being told off and thrown out by Flanders
Ned Flanders: I can't believe it. Everybody knew this was happening at my house and laughed at me. Well Homer, I guess you're the only true friend I have around here.
Moe: What are you talking about? Homer's the one who informed us of the sexy going-ons.
Homer: I'm sorry Flanders I couldn't tell you. I had to do it. It was just too funny.
Ned Flanders: The bible says to cast thy food upon the waters but all I got was soggy bread.
Homer: Mmm! Soggy bre...
Ned Flanders: Homer, this is not the time for that now.
Homer: ...ead!


"The Simpsons: Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-Annoyed-Grunt-cious (#8.13)" (1997)
Homer: All right, Marge. We'll get your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War Recreation Society I love so much.
[cut to Moe's]
Moe: All right, Homer's out. We'll need a new General Ambrose Burnside.
Barney: I'm not too fond of our Stonewall Jackson, either.
Apu: The South shall COME AGAIN.


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Connection (#6.23)" (1995)
Homer: Hmm. I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage?
Moe Szyslak: The "garage"? Hey fellas, the "garage"! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man.
Homer: Well what do you call it?
Moe Szyslak: A car hole!


"The Simpsons: A Tree Grows in Springfield (#24.6)" (2012)
Kent Brockman: A hundred-dollar bill for whoever gives me the truth about the so-called miracle tree.
Moe Szyslak: I'll take that. The tree is a fraud!
[Sees bill]
Moe Szyslak: I just got a hundred bucks! The tree is real!


"The Simpsons: Much Apu About Nothing (#7.23)" (1996)
Moe: Yeah, you said it, Barn.


"The Simpsons: Like Father, Like Clown (#3.6)" (1991)
Moe Szyslak: [tearing up while watching Krusty and his father sing on TV] I've got something in my eye.
Barney Gumble: [offering filthy handkerchief] Here, take my hanky.
Moe Szyslak: [taking it and jumping back in shock, seeing its condition] Euueeh!


"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
Moe Szyslak: My daddy was a circus freak. My mommy can't remember which one. I like to think it was a little bit of each one.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Smithers (#7.17)" (1996)
Moe Szyslak: [Mr. Burns has sent Smithers on vacation. Deciding he needs him back, he tries to call him, but, not knowing how to use a telephone, he simply dials the name S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. It turns out he has dialed Moe's Tavern] Moe's Tavern.
Montgomery Burns: Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon?
Moe Szyslak: [Thinking it is a crank call] Oh, Waylon Smithers, huh? Listen to me, you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove'em down your pants! So you can watch me kick the crap of out you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Pony (#3.8)" (1991)
Homer: Moe, gimme a beer quick. I've got five minutes before the music store closes.
Moe: Why don't you just go there first?
Homer: Hey, I don't tell you how to do *your* job.
Moe: Sorry, Homer.
Homer: You know, if you tip the glass, you won't get so much foam on top.
Moe: Sorry, Homer.


"The Simpsons: Take My Wife, Sleaze (#11.8)" (1999)
Homer Simpson: The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order.
Ned Flanders: I move to reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all
[chuckles]
Ned Flanders: , we don't wanna *go* to hell.
Lenny: How 'bout The Devil's Pals.
Ned Flanders: [nervously chuckles] Nuh-no... see...
Moe Szyslak: How about the Christ punchers?
Ned Flanders: The Chri...! I-I don't think you understand my objections.
Homer Simpson: I'm the president and the decision is mine. We're Hell's Satans. Besides, I already made our club jackets.
[Homer hold up a jacket with Hell's Satans imprinted on the back]
Lenny: Ooo, machine wash warm.
Carl: Tumble dry... Oooh lah lah.


"The Simpsons: Kill Gil, Vol. 1 & 2 (#18.9)" (2006)
Moe Szyslak: Don't you dumb dames know that all figure skaters are twinkly in the lutz?
Elvis Stojko: That is such a misconception. For your information, I have a girlfriend in Vancouver.
Moe Szyslak: Fake girlfriend, fake city.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Heretic (#4.3)" (1992)
Homer: [phones work from Moe's bar] Hello work. I won't be in tomorrow. Religious holiday. The holiday of...
[sees a sign on the wall]
Homer: maximum occupancy.
Moe Syzlack.: Pretty slick.
Homer: You should join my religion Moe. It's great. No Heaven. No Hell.
Moe Syzlack.: Sorry Homer.
[lifts his hands which are covered in band-aids and bites]
Moe Syzlack.: I was born a snake-handler, and I'll die a snake-handler.


"The Simpsons: Half-Decent Proposal (#13.10)" (2002)
Moe: I can't get Artie out of my head. He's like a spy in the House of Moe.


"The Simpsons: Bart Sells His Soul (#7.4)" (1995)
Girl with Sore Teeth: Unky Moe?
Moe Szyslak: [tries to hide in his anger] What is it, sweetheart?
Girl with Sore Teeth: My sodey is too cold and my teeth hurt.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, your teeth hurt, huh? Your teeth hurt...
[loses it]
Moe Szyslak: Well, that's too freakin' bad, you hear me! And I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' sodey too!
[the entire restaurant gasps]
Tod Flanders: [gets his ears covered] Ow, my freakin' ears!
[Ned and Maude gasp]
Maude Flanders: Oh, let's go, dear!
Ned Flanders: Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's but not here!


"The Simpsons: Homer's Triple Bypass (#4.11)" (1992)
Moe: [Homer is about to have a triple bypass operation] Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
Barney: [after a short while] How long has it been?
Moe: Six seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell, no.


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#7.1)" (1995)
Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No.
[buzz]
Moe: All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him.
[ding]
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.
[buzz]
Moe: A date.
[buzz]
Moe: Dinner with friends.
[buzz]
Moe: Dinner alone.
[buzz]
Moe: Watching TV alone.
[buzz]
Moe: All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
[buzz]
Moe: Sears catalog.
[ding]
Moe: Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.
[buzz]


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets a 'Z' (#21.2)" (2009)
Bart Simpson: Bookstores don't have answers. Just creepy guys sitting at the end of the aisles.
Moe Szyslak: Hey, I've never paid to read Doris Kearns Goodwin, and I ain't gonna start now. Oh, that's good Doris right there.


"The Simpsons: The Great Louse Detective (#14.6)" (2002)
Moe: [after beating up a Homer dummy] Who's the sociopath, now?


"The Simpsons: Homer the Great (#6.12)" (1995)
Homer: I swear, that if I ever reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, that my stomach shall become bloated, and my head plucked of all but three hairs...
Moe Szyslak: Um, I think he should have to take a different oath.
Number One: Everybody takes the same oath!


"The Simpsons: The Frying Game (#13.21)" (2002)
Lenny: If you ask me, Muhammad Ali, in his prime, was much better than anti-lock brakes.
Carl: Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?
Moe: Oh, I cannot listen to this again!


"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming (#7.9)" (1995)
[appearing on the stadium television]
Sideshow Bob: Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?
Moe: What?
Dr. Hibbert: Surely he's not talking about VH-1.
Sideshow Bob: Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation and scrimshaw. Therefore I submit to you, we abolish television, permanently!
Homer Simpson: Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, and one more thing: I've stolen a nuclear weapon. If you do not rid this city of television in two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell.
[Bob cuts the link. People start to panic, then Bob reappears]
Sideshow Bob: By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.


"The Simpsons: Moaning Lisa (#1.6)" (1990)
Bart Simpson: Is Jacques there?
Moe Szyslak: Who?
Bart Simpson: Jacques, last name Strap.
Moe Szyslak: Hold on. Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VIII (#9.4)" (1997)
[Homer grabs the candleholder]
Homer Simpson: You want me? Come and get me!
Moe: Get him!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!


"The Simpsons: Holidays of Future Passed (#23.9)" (2011)
Bart Simpson: This place hasn't changed a bit.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, I've been meaning to change things, but this place keeps being a crime scene.


"The Simpsons: At Long Last Leave (#23.14)" (2012)
Moe Szyslak: The monsters are here!
Marge Simpson: Moe, it's us. We've been your friends for years.
Moe Szyslak: The queen monster is coming on to me!


"The Simpsons: Homer at the Bat (#3.17)" (1992)
Barney: [in Moe's Tavern] And I say, that England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
[punches him out]
Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barn'!
[disbelieving]
Moe: Pitt the Elder...
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
[punches him out]


"The Simpsons: No Loan Again, Naturally (#20.12)" (2009)
Moe Szyslak: Here's what you do: get the media to expose what kind of monster he really is.
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah. Just like Dateline did to you.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, three times. The third was nominated for a Peabody, whatever that is.


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns? (#6.25)" (1995)
Moe Szyslak: I lost my bar!
Barney Gumble: I lost his bar!
Lisa Simpson: He robbed the school of music!
Principal Skinner: He robbed the school of financial security!
Tito Puente: He robbed the school of Tito!
Homer: He can't remember my name!
Marge Simpson: He's causing us all to yell!
[Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]
Bart Simpson: Look what he did to my best friend!
[Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies]
Bart Simpson: No, my dog!
[Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?


"The Simpsons: How Munched Is That Birdie in the Window? (#22.7)" (2010)
Moe Szyslak: Have you ever thought of racing that bird?
Homer Simpson: You can bet on pigeons?
Moe Szyslak: Hey, if it moves you can bet on it.
Bart Simpson: What about the Detroit Lions?
Moe Szyslak: Hey, lay off Detroit. Them people is going through Mad Max times.


"The Simpsons: Realty Bites (#9.9)" (1997)
Moe Szyslak: Geez, this hot rod is souped up six ways from Sunday! Never had you figured for a gearhead, Homer.
Homer Simpson: Oh yeah, I'm a real expert.
Moe Szyslak: What is that, a six barrel Holley carb?
Homer Simpson: You betcha!
Moe Szyslak: Edelbrock intakes?
Homer Simpson: Nothing but.
Moe Szyslak: Myohoff lifters?
Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah.
Moe Szyslak: I made that last one up.
Homer Simpson: I see.


"The Simpsons: Bart's Comet (#6.14)" (1995)
Homer: Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it. I can't take this anymore. I can't let that brave man out there die alone. I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you - especially his children. I'm going out there!
[goes out, slams door behind him, then pops his head back in]
Homer: It was a baby ox.
Moe: He's right, you know.
Principal Skinner: [surprised] About the ox?
Moe: About everything, dammit! Hey Homer, wait up. I want to die too.
Apu: If you are going, I am going.
Barney Gumble: Me too!
[everyone assents and leaves]


The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
Moe Szyslak: Sorry Bart, I can't sell booze to a minor, it ain't right.
Bart Simpson: I'm here about fireworks.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, hell yeah!


"The Simpsons: Homer's Barbershop Quartet (#5.1)" (1993)
Barney's Girlfriend: I would like a single plum floating in perfume and served in a man's hat.
Moe Szyslak: Sure.
[serves drink]


"The Simpsons: Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk (#3.11)" (1991)
Moe Szyslak: Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
Bart Simpson: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem. First name Bea.
Moe Szyslak: Uh, yeah, just a minute. I'll check. Uh, Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem? Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
Barney Gumble: You sure do!


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXII (#23.3)" (2011)
Lisa Simpson: Halloween is over, and that means one thing: the beginning of Christmas shopping season. Time to pump some blood into our failing economy.
Marge Simpson: Remember, no home-made gifts. A single sweater can cost 27 Americans their jobs.
Moe Szyslak: And don't forget, Christmas is a good time to pick up alcoholism. You have to deal with your relatives 365 days a year. Leave at least one day for your bartender.


"The Simpsons: Hungry Hungry Homer (#12.15)" (2001)
Homer: Dancing away my hunger pain... moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt... I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way...
Moe: Jeez, Homer's losing it already.
Carl: Yeah but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile.


"The Simpsons: We're on the Road to D'Ohwhere (#17.11)" (2006)
Carl: Moe, why you being so generous? You're usually so stingy and ratlike.
Moe Szyslak: Yeah, well, you remember that time I tried to hang myself and the rope broke? Well, I sued the rope company and I got a huge settlement, and a new rope!
Barney: Wow!
Homer Simpson: Ooh!
Carl: Hey, nice rope.
Lenny: You could hang a cow with that thing.


"The Simpsons: Viva Ned Flanders (#10.10)" (1999)
[Everyone wonders how Ned Flanders looks so young]
Moe Szyslak: It's holy water, right?
[Splashes holy water on face]
Moe Szyslak: Augh, it burns!


"The Simpsons: Million Dollar Maybe (#21.11)" (2010)
Moe Szyslak: Not so fast. Don't forget my cut.
Homer Simpson: What cut?
Moe Szyslak: Oh, I just go around saying that hoping it's applicable. Well, off I go again.


"The Simpsons: Blood Feud (#2.22)" (1991)
Moe: Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check.
[calls to the bar]
Moe: Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Everybody in the bar: [snickers]
Moe: Listen, you little puke! One of these days I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!


"Family Guy: The Simpsons Guy (#13.1)" (2014)
Peter Griffin: [after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale] That's pretty good, right?
Homer Simpson: No. It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff.
Peter Griffin: Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been inspired by Duff, but I... I like to think it goes in a different direction.
Homer Simpson: No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse.
Peter Griffin: Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talkin' about. Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood.
Moe Szyslak: [takes the beer] Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud.
Moe Szyslak: Look at this.
[tears the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label revealing a Duff label]
Homer Simpson: Huh? It is Duff. Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own!


"The Simpsons: Homer Loves Flanders (#5.16)" (1994)
Moe Syszlak: [after Ned recognizes Moe from his charity reading to sick kids] If this gets out, the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt!


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Wedding (#6.19)" (1995)
Hugh St. John Alastair Parkfield: You know, I rather like this bar.
Moe: Oh, an English boy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in World War II.
Hugh St. John Alastair Parkfield: Well, we saved *your* arse in World War III.
Moe: That's true.


"The Simpsons: Mypods and Boomsticks (#20.7)" (2008)
Moe Szyslak: Homer, this is serious. That Bashir kid is Muslim, and that means he's up to something.
Homer Simpson: I really shouldn't pass judgment until I see a fictional TV show espousing your point of view.


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets an Elephant (#5.17)" (1994)
[Bill Clinton is playing the saxophone in a marching parade]
Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work.
Bill Clinton: Make me.


"The Simpsons: White Christmas Blues (#25.8)" (2013)
Moe Syzlak: I say we greet these newcomers with open arms... and gouge them for all they're worth! Who's with me?
Comic Book Guy: I'm in for some gouging.
Duffman: Duffman is commited to the corporate support of gouging!


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Greek (#3.14)" (1992)
Homer: [Moe gets Homer's gambling winnings from his boot] I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet, Moe. Now, it's the smell of victory.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, shut up.


"The Simpsons: Bart on the Road (#7.20)" (1996)
Homer: Hello, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura.
Moe: Ura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you. If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran.


"The Simpsons: American History X-cellent (#21.17)" (2010)
Moe Szyslak: Throwing stuff! Turn your protest into a riot!
Milhouse Van Houten: How much for a tomato?
Moe Szyslak: Fresh is one dollar, rotten is two bucks.
Kirk Van Houten: Son, do you really need the rotten one?
[Milhouse looks at him eagerly]
Kirk Van Houten: Oh, all right. But don't tell your mother.


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Moe: Who'd have thought a whale would be so heavy?


"The Simpsons: My Mother the Carjacker (#15.2)" (2003)
Moe Szyslak: Mrs. Simpson, when you took off, you left a hole in Homer's heart that he's been trying to fill with alcohol for 20 years. God bless ya!