Chief Wiggum
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Quotes for
Chief Wiggum (Character)
from "The Simpsons" (1989)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 2 (#7.1)" (1995)
Mr. Burns: Officers, arrest the baby.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Well, maybe Texas.

Sideshow Mel: I am Melvin Van Horn. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky.
Krusty the Clown: Hey-hey.
Sideshow Mel: Officers, you have arrested an innocent man!
Chief Wiggum: Really? Ah, jeez.
[Opens cell door]
Chief Wiggum: All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain.
Dr. Colossus: But all my stuff is there.

Lisa: [in Chief Wiggum's surrealistic dream, a la "Twin Peaks"] Chief Wiggum... Don't... Eat... The... Clues.
[Wiggum looks down at his hand and sees he's holding a burning playing card. Lisa holds up a burning Ace]
Lisa: This suit burns better... Look.
Chief Wiggum: Come again?
Lisa: Better... look... burns suit.
Chief Wiggum: I'm not following you.
Lisa: Burns's suit. Burns's suit.
Chief Wiggum: What?
Lisa: [normal voice] Look at Burns's suit! Sheesh!

Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer Simpson: D'OH!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "d'oh".

Eddie: [after Wiggum wakes suddenly from his surrealistic dream] I had an idea, chief. Why don't we check out the suit that Burns was wearing?
Chief Wiggum: Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards?
Eddie: ...I'll drive.

Seymour Skinner: Now, I did, I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. After the meeting, I rushed to the bathroom to apply my camoflauge make-up...
[Flashback: Skinner is standing in front of the men's room mirror]
Seymour Skinner: Blast!
[turns around, his face is made up like a woman's]
Seymour Skinner: I took mother's make-up kit by mistake!
[Superintendant Chalmers enters]
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh! Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
Seymour Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers!
Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, my God...
[outside, they hear a gunshot; cut back to the present]
Chief Wiggum: So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?
Seymour Skinner: Oh, yes... But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.

Tito Puente: Revenge? Of course! But why wound his body with bullets, when I can set his soul on fire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge.
[to his orchestra]
Tito Puente: Uno, dos, tres!
[music]
Lead Vocalist: [singing] Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song Burns will always carry with him!/So I settle my score on the samba floor, with this vengeful Latin rhythm!/Burns!/Con el corazon de perro!/Senor Burns!/El diablo con dinero!/This may not surprise you, but all of us despise you/Please die, and fry in hell, you rotten, rich, old wretch!/Adios viejo!
[music ends]
Chief Wiggum: [applauding] Yeah! All right, okay! I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all the suspects are this much fun.

[Smithers sits in a confessional]
Smithers: Father, I'm not a Catholic. I tried to march in the St. Patrick's day parade but... anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who...
[breaks down sobbing]
Smithers: Who shot Mr. Burns!
[Chief Wiggum opens the screen and cocks his pistol]
Chief Wiggum: That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.

Groundskeeper Willie: I could ne'er have shot Burns. It's impossible for me to fire a pistol If you check me medical records, you'll see I have a crippling arthritis in me index fingers.
[holds up his fingers, which are misshapen]
Groundskeeper Willie: I got it from space invaders in 1977.
Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah, that was a pretty addictive video game.
Groundskeeper Willie: Video game?!


The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Chief Wiggum: [after the Simpsons' house collapses into the sink hole] They're China's problem now.

Chief Wiggum: [sees Fat Tony and his mobsters dragging a body wrapped in a sheet to the lake] Uh sorry, sorry, no dumping in the lake!
Fat Tony: Fine, I will put my *yard trimmings* in a car compactor.
[he and the mobsters walk off with the body]
Lou: Uh, Chief, I think there was a dead body in there.
Chief Wiggum: I thought that too, until he said yard trimmings. You gotta learn to listen, Lou.

Robot: Red wire, blue wire, black is usually the ground...
[begins shaking]
Robot: ... ahhh, so much pressure... PRESSURE!
[grabs Chief Wiggum's gun and shoots itself in the head]
Chief Wiggum: He was talking about it, but I never took him seriously.

Chief Wiggum: [shouting at a naked Bart] Stop, in the name of American squeamishness!

Montgomery Burns: So, you want some of my electricity, do you? Well, for once, the rich, white man is in control. I have two buttons behind my desk. One will provide your town with power, the other releases the hounds. Reach me. Make me your brother.
Dr. Hibbert: The hospital's generator is about to give out. Lives will be lost.
Montgomery Burns: [writing down] Lives... lost. Go on.
Chief Wiggum: We have a convict we're gonna fry tomorrow, but now we can't.
Montgomery Burns: Tempting, tempting...
Apu: Look, all of our reasons mean nothing. Just look inside your heart and you will find the answer.
[Smithers waves frantically and shakes his head no; cut to outside of mansion as screaming and barking is heard inside]
Apu: Aaah!
Montgomery Burns: First door on the right.
Apu: Thank you.
Dr. Hibbert, Chief Wiggum, Apu: [as they run out chased by dogs] Aaah!

Bart Simpson: Dad!
Homer Simpson: What seems to be the problem, officers?
Bart Simpson: Tell them you dared me to do it!
Chief Wiggum: If that's true, then you should be taking the rap here, not your son.
Homer Simpson: And what happens to me if it's my fault?
Chief Wiggum: You'll have to attend a one hour parenting class.
Homer Simpson: It was all his idea! He's out of control I tell ya! Oh, I'm at my wit's end!

Chief Wiggum: Alright, men. Open fire!
[Cops shoot at dome; the bullets ricochet and hit them]
Chief Wiggum: Who's hurt? Raise your hand.
[Cops raise their hands moaning]
Chief Wiggum: Without the attitude.


"The Simpsons: Trilogy of Error (#12.18)" (2001)
Chief Wiggum: [answer machine] 9-1-1. This better be good.

Chief Wiggum: Here we are, 123 Fake Street. The home of Knifey Wifey!

Chief Wiggum: Your mission is to find the firework smugglers and get them to say something incriminating on this tape.
[Looks at tape]
Bart: Hootie and the Blowfish?
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, it's cheaper than blank tape.

Chief Wiggum: [Wiggum thinks he's killed Bart and Milhouse, his snitches during a sting operation by blurting out Fat Tony's name over a hidden radio, and then hears what sounds like gunshots] My bad.


"The Simpsons: Chief of Hearts (#21.18)" (2010)
Chief Wiggum: Whatcha got there, Simpson?
Homer Simpson: Just my lunch. Roast beef parm, meatball parm, eggplant parm, moo goo gai parm, my wife can parm anything.
Chief Wiggum: My wife only parms for me on my birthday, and that's only if I give her the sad puppy face look.

Chief Wiggum: Oh, he likes me! Officer up! Officer way up!

Chief Wiggum: Do you ever stop breathing in your sleep?
Homer Simpson: Sometimes. They say it's because I'm overweight.
Chief Wiggum: What, you? No way! Now me, I'm overweight. My underwear has to be made specially at a factory in the Ukraine. They call me Daddy Round-Round. They send me a postcard every year.
[Shows postcard of villagers standing inside underwear]
Homer Simpson: That is some big underwear.
Chief Wiggum: I paid for their water distilation plant.

Chief Wiggum: I'm just glad we got to be friends again. You know, before we got whacked.
Homer Simpson: We're not getting whacked, because you're Chief Wiggum.
Chief Wiggum: You really have that much faith in me?
Homer Simpson: Faith is for things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real.


"The Simpsons: Dumbbell Indemnity (#9.16)" (1998)
[Homer is underwater]
Chief Wiggum: That car thief can't hold his breath forever.
Lou: And if he can, Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Then God help us all!

Chief Wiggum: Your fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.

Homer: [in jail; looks out window and sees Moe singing about going to Hawaii] Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe, who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii?
Chief Wiggum: [bangs on Homer's jail cell] Stop saying "Hawaii" in there.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror VI (#7.6)" (1995)
[after Willie explodes into flame and screams, he becomes a skeleton]
Groundskeeper Willie: You'll pay for this! With your children's blood!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right. How ya gonna get 'em, skeleton power?
Groundskeeper Willie: I'll strike, where ya cannot protect them... In their dreams!

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what's it like in there?
Homer Simpson: Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
Dr. Hibbert: No.
Lisa Simpson: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Marge Simpson: No.
Bart Simpson: No.
Selma: No.
Chief Wiggum: No.
Reverend Lovejoy: No.
Prof. John Frink: No.
Chief Wiggum: Yes. I mean, no.

Lisa Simpson: Well, where's my dad?
Prof. John Frink: Well, it should be clear to even the most dimwitted individual - who holds and advanced degree in hypothetical topology - that Homer Simpson has stumbled into...
[Dramating lighting]
Prof. John Frink: ... the Third Dimension!
Lisa Simpson: [Turns light back on] Sorry.
Prof. John Frink: Here is an ordinary square...
Chief Wiggum: Whoa, whoa, slow down, egghead.
Prof. John Frink: But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our own universe along the hypothetical Z-axis there.
[All gasp in astonishment]
Prof. John Frink: This forms the three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a frinkahedron, in honor of its discoverer.
Homer Simpson: Help me! Are you helping me or are you going on and on?
Prof. John Frink: Oh, yeah. And of course within we find the doomed individual.
Chief Wiggum: Enough of your borax, Pointdexter! A man's life's at stake. We need action!
[Fires gun at portal]
Chief Wiggum: Take that, you lousy dimension!


"The Simpsons: The Boy Who Knew Too Much (#5.20)" (1994)
Chief Wiggum: Oh my god, somebody took a bite out of the giant rice krispy square. Oh, and the waiter's been brutally beaten.

Bart: Hey McBain! I'm a big fan but your last movie really sucked.
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: I know. There were script problems from day one.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah I'll say. MAGIC TICKET MY ASS MCBAIN!
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Maria! My mighty heart is breaking. I'll be in the Humvee.

McGarnagle: Now tell them what you saw Billy.
Billy: But I'm so scared McGarnagle.
McGarnagle: You've gotta do this one for me Billy, McGarnagle.
Billy: Okay for you McGarnagle.
Chief: [later] Well McGarnagle, Billy is dead! They slit his throat from ear to ear.
McGarnagle: Hey I'm trying to eat lunch here!


"The Simpsons: Cape Feare (#5.2)" (1993)
Police Chief Wiggum: You're under arrest, Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: BY LUCIFER'S BEARD!
Police Chief Wiggum: Uh... Yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel!

Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say, Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says.

Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum!
[everybody in court house laughs]
Chief Wiggum: Oh wait, I get it, he's all right.


"The Simpsons: I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (#19.4)" (2007)
Lou: Chief, it looks like there's a 64G in progress.
[Chief Wiggum looks confused]
Lou: Armed robbery with a gun?
[Chief Wiggum still looks confused; Lou draws a stick figure robber on his pad]
Lou: Come on, chief. You know this one.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, a shootie stealie.

Homer Simpson: Chief Wiggum, you have to do something. My current wife is in there.
Chief Wiggum: Well, you take over then. I have no stake in this. This isn't even my bank. I'm at Federal Mutual down the street.

[Chief Wiggum just won a stuffed monkey at the carnival]
Lou: Chief, I think we have a hostage situation over there.
Chief Wiggum: Can't a man have one minute alone with his monkey? One minute?
[Lou mumbles something]
Chief Wiggum: What'd you say?
Lou: I said the monkey would make a better chief!
Chief Wiggum: He is a pretty great monkey, isn't he?


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XVII (#18.4)" (2006)
Female Golem: There's a latke bar downstairs.
Chief Wiggum: Latke? What the hell's a latke?
Female Golem: They're pan-fried...
Chief Wiggum: Case dismissed!

Chief Wiggum: Guys we have to assume our guns are useless. Throw them in the lake.
[after doing that]
Chief Wiggum: Good, now the police car.
[after doing that]
Chief Wiggum: Hey, did you get my sweater from the front seat?
Lou: Um, yeah.
Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah? Then where is it?
Lou: [sighs] I'll go get it, Chief.
[Walks into the lake]

Chief Wiggum: I 'Ought to punch you in the Nose, Bud!
Orson Welles: [Whispering] Nosebud.


The Simpsons: Hit & Run (2003) (VG)
Lisa Simpson: See? You are a good cop!
Chief Wiggum: Ah, you're just saying that.
Lisa Simpson: Yes, I am.

Chief Wiggum: Now, first of all, if you're gonna go undercover, you are gonna need a disguise.
Lisa Simpson: You mean like an eye patch?
Chief Wiggum: Hey, good one! If we could afford a disguise like that, I wouldn't be payed in potato chip coupons.

Chief Wiggum: Strike two - running over an elderly person without a license.


"The Simpsons: This Little Wiggy (#9.18)" (1998)
Chief Wiggum: You know you're not supposed to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?

Chief Wiggum: What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?

Chief Wiggum: Oh, sure. We'd all love some *real* friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?


"The Simpsons: Marge vs. the Monorail (#4.12)" (1993)
[Suggestions on how to spend Mr. Burns' $3 million]
Apu: Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.
Chief Wiggum: Crybaby.

Mayor Quimby: All right, I'm in charge here.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
Mayor Quimby: Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.
Mayor Quimby: You don't scare me, that could be anyone's ass. Now beat it! I'm calling the shots.
Chief Wiggum: I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain! The town charter says, in an emergency I run the show!
Mayor Quimby: Well, we'll just see about that! Let's go to Town Hall!
Chief Wiggum: Fine!
[then]
Chief Wiggum: Should we take one car, or should I follow you?

Lyle Lanely: [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
[points at Ned Flanders]
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanely: What's it called?
Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier: Monorail.
Lyle Lanely: That's right, monorail!
[runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
Crowd: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
[continues underneath those who speak]
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanely: [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanely: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney Gumble: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanely: You'll be given cushy jobs.
Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanely: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanely: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: [speaking] What's it called?
Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
Lyle Lanely: Once again!
Crowd: [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!


"The Simpsons: Marge in Chains (#4.21)" (1993)
Lou: [observing some police attack dogs] Gee, they look pretty mad.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I've been starving them, teasing them, singing off key...

Chief Wiggum: All right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says "Capricorn", and something with coconut on it.


"The Simpsons: I Love Lisa (#4.15)" (1993)
Chief Wiggum: She didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police. Now where did I put my badge?... Hey, that duck's got it.

Miss Hoover: Martha Washington will be played by Lisa Simpson.
[Lisa giggles]
Miss Hoover: George Washington will be played by... em, Ralph Wiggum.
Rex: What? This is a travesty! Everyone knows I'm the best actor in this ridiculous school!
Miss Hoover: Sit down, Rex.
Rex: I will not sit down! Someone's gone to you, you deceitful cow!
Miss Hoover: That's absurd, Rex. Ralph won the part fair and square.
[She opens and closes the blinds repeatedly. Outside:]
Chief Wiggum: That's the signal. Take the boot off the car, boys.


"The Simpsons: 22 Short Films About Springfield (#7.21)" (1996)
Lou: I went to the McDonald's over in Shelbyville the other day.
Chief Wiggum: The Mc-what?
Lou: Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Hmm... Must've sprung up over night.
Lou: But you know, it's the little differences.
Chief Wiggum: Example.
Lou: Well, at a McDonald's you can get a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Get out. What do they call it?
Lou: A "Quarter Pounder" with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: "Quarter Pounder" with cheese? Well, I can see the cheese but? do they have Krusty's "Partially Gelatinated, Non-Dairy, Gum-Based Beverages"?
Lou: Yeah, they call them "shakes."
Eddie: Huh. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'.

[Pulp Fiction Spoof: Snake is driving Lil' Bandit when he sees Chief Wiggum walk in front of him]
Chief Wiggum: [singing] Donuts, I got donuts, I got...
[Notices Snake]
Chief Wiggum: Hey I know you!
[Snake purposely runs him over, crashes his car and then flees]
Chief Wiggum: Hey wait up! We gotta swap insurance info!
[They chase each other into a pawn shop]
Herman: [Holding them at gunpoint] Looks like the spider caught himself a couples of flies.


"The Simpsons: My Sister, My Sitter (#8.17)" (1997)
Chief Wiggum: So long Lisa. If anything goes wrong, just dial 911. Unless it's an emergency.

Lisa Simpson: Enjoy Bob Saget.
Chief Wiggum: That's Bob Seger.
[looks at his tickets]
Chief Wiggum: Dang it!


"The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (#18.18)" (2007)
Chief Wiggum: My wife's shopping for a swimsuit that doesn't make her look horsey, so I'm gonna be here a while.

Chief Wiggum: [shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IX (#10.4)" (1998)
Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Syzslak and Apu Nahassa... passa... well, just Moe, just Moe.

Chief Wiggum: At this time we have no leads but I can safely say that Apu didn't suffer.
Lou: It looks like he suffered to me chief.
Chief Wiggum: Aw jeeze Lou. How long were you planning on letting me drink this stuff?


"The Simpsons: Grade School Confidential (#8.19)" (1997)
Ralph Wiggum: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!
Chief Wiggum: The baby looked at you?

Chief Wiggum: [Principal Skinner, demanding that his relationship with Mrs. Krabappel be respected, exits the school with what looks like a bomb strapped to his chest] Wait a minute... that isn't a bomb! Those are hot dogs! Armor hot dogs!
Superintendent Chalmers: [shaking his head] What kind of man wears Armor hot dogs?


"The Simpsons: Homer to the Max (#10.13)" (1999)
Chief Wiggum: Well, if it isn't that stupid cop from TV.
[scratches his ear with his gun barrel]
Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah, that got it.

Chief Wiggum: Well, well, well. If it isn't that stupid cop from TV.
[picks his ear with his gun]


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Connection (#6.23)" (1995)
Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is *not* something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
Man: [screaming] Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name.
Man: I've have it up to here with your "rules"!
[leaves]

[Marge has foiled Herman's counterfeit jeans ring]
Chief Wiggum: That's some nice work, Simpson. But I'm afraid we can't hold them. There's no evidence.
Homer Simpson: Yes there is, there's a garage full of counterfeit jeans.
Chief Wiggum: They've uh... mysteriously disappeared.
[All the cops at the crime scene start wearing the counterfeit jeans]
Chief Wiggum: Lookin' good boys!


"The Simpsons: D'oh-in' in the Wind (#10.6)" (1998)
Chief Wiggum: OK, boys, set your night sticks on "whomp."
Lou: [twirling his night stick] Er, chief? Mine's stuck on "twirl."

Chief Wiggum: [speaking on megaphone] Attention hippies. Come out peacefully so we can smash your drug mill and all your worldly possessions.


"The Simpsons: Marge on the Lam (#5.6)" (1993)
[as Ruth takes off]
Chief Wiggum: Yessir, looks like we got ourselves an old-fashioned car chase!
[he pops a tape into his stereo. Lesley Gore starts singing: "Sunshine, Lollipops, and..."]
Chief Wiggum: [singing along] Rainbows, everything that's wonderful is what I feel, when we're together! Brighter than a lucky penny, when you're near dear, the rain clouds disappear, dear, and I feel so fine, just to know that you are mine!
[Homer, riding in the backseat, also sings along]

[Wiggum's car plunges into a landfill]
Chief Wiggum: And to think, those stupid environmentalists were protesting this landfill.
Homer: Solid waste. I could kiss you.
[kiss it]
Homer: EWWW...
[kisses it]
Homer: OOH...
[kisses it]
Homer: BLECH...
[kisses it]
Homer: OOH, I think this was pizza...


The Simpsons: Cartoon Studio (1996) (VG)
Chief Wiggum: Routine investigation, just need to see the kitchen.

Chief Wiggum: Put out an A.P.B. on a donut, believed sprinkled.


"The Simpsons: Bart the Murderer (#3.4)" (1991)
Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer in this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the, um... what cures cancer.

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. And I am the... uh... what cures cancer?


"The Simpsons: The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (#8.25)" (1997)
[about Bart's incorrigible behavior]
Chief Wiggum: You know, you do have options. For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know?
Homer Simpson: Not very.

[Bart's latest prank has shattered windows all over the city]
Homer Simpson: [shouting] You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!
Lisa: [shouting] When do you expect the ringing will stop?
Chief Wiggum: [checking his watch, shouting] In about ten to fifteen seconds!
Marge Simpson: [shouting] I certainly hope-!
[ringing stops]
Marge Simpson: -so!
[covers her mouth, embarrassed; normal voice]
Marge Simpson: That's better.


"The Simpsons: Natural Born Kissers (#9.25)" (1998)
Chief Wiggum: Boy, I'll tell you. They only come out at night. Or, in this case, uh, the daytime.

Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the daytime.


"The Simpsons: The Great Louse Detective (#14.6)" (2002)
Chief Wiggum: If I can tranq one freak on stilts, I know I've done my job.
Lou: You're living the dream

Chief Wiggum: Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people?
Lou: Uh, second word, chief.


"The Simpsons: Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder (#11.6)" (1999)
Chief Wiggum: Alright smart guy, where's the fire?
Homer Simpson: Over there.
[Homer points to a fire at the police station]
Chief Wiggum: Okay, you just bought yourself a 317, pointing out police stupidity... Or is that a 314? Nah nah, 314 is a dog uh, in, no or is that a 315?... You're in trouble pal.

Chief Wiggum: All right, Simpson, where's the fire?
[Homer points to the police station, which is on fire]
Chief Wiggum: All right, Simpson. You just bought yourself a 417, pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 413? No, a 413 is a dog, and... um... you're in trouble, pal.


The Simpsons: Tapped Out (2012) (VG)
Chief Wiggum: I'd like to purchase this AK-47, please. Will you need to run a background check on me?
Herman: Of course not. That would infringe on your Constitutional right to never be inconvenienced - even in the tiniest, most reasonable way - when guns are involved.
Herman: It's all part of "Gun Buyers Are To Be Hailed As Our Worthiest Heroes" Act of 2013... sponsored by the NRA.
Chief Wiggum: Great! The ready availability of guns to the public makes my job as a cop safer AND easier.

Chief Wiggum: We've been getting reports of someone using the Blue Houses as urinals. Save that behavior for the Brown Houses.


"The Simpsons: Realty Bites (#9.9)" (1997)
Chief Wiggum: This is Wiggum, reporting a 318! Waking a police officer!

Homer Simpson: Lucky thing we landed on this bubble wrap.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, quit hoggin'!


"The Simpsons: The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase (#8.24)" (1997)
Chief Wiggum: Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls... two, I suppose.

[Ralph is lying in bed]
Ralph: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
Chief Wiggum: You'll wear 'em till you learn, son.


"The Simpsons: A Streetcar Named Marge (#4.2)" (1992)
[after Llewellyn introduces himself]
Marge: Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic!

Helen: My name is Helen Lovejoy and I'll be playing Stella.
Apu: I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I play Steve.
Otto: My name is Otto. I'm playing Pablo.
Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch.
Marge: I'm Marge Simpson, I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.
[Sinclair takes one and eats it]
Sinclair: Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality?
Chief Wiggum: I would.


"The Simpsons: El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer (#8.9)" (1997)
Chief Wiggum: I've added a secret ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenengo!
[the crowd gasps]
Chief Wiggum: Grown deep in the jungles primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.

Chief Wiggum: I want to hallucinate, too!


"The Simpsons: My Mother the Carjacker (#15.2)" (2003)
[Homer crashes into the police station]
Chief Wiggum: All you destroyed were bricks, mortar, and attorneys!
Attorney: Remember me... as a drain on society!

Chief Wiggum: Listen to me lady; the only way you're getting off this mountain is in a box, or a funicular.
Lou: What about a hot air balloon?
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, pipe down, Jules Verne.


"The Simpsons: Four Great Women and a Manicure (#20.20)" (2009)
Homer Simpson: Marge, I need some bribe money.
Chief Wiggum: Well, don't say it so loud.
Marge Simpson: All I have is some dry cleaner coupons.
Chief Wiggum: Deal.
[Takes coupons and lets Homer go]
Homer Simpson: Thanks, Marge. But remember, there's still the civil lawsuit.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXIII (#24.2)" (2012)
Chief Wiggum: [inspecting the Simpson house] Someone in this family's made a deal with the Devil and now the Devil wants his due. Now remember: the creature feeds on your fear.
[Cuckoo clock chimes]
Chief Wiggum: What the hell was that?
[screams and runs out, returns as a skeleton]
Chief Wiggum: Actually, it feeds on more than just fear.
[collapses]


"The Simpsons: Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind (#19.9)" (2007)
Chief Wiggum: Walked into a door? That is the lamest excuse in the book.
[walks into door]
Chief Wiggum: All right, door. You're coming downtown.


"The Simpsons: The Dad Who Knew Too Little (#14.8)" (2003)
Chief Wiggum: [to Marge] Would an innocent person flee?
[beat]
Chief Wiggum: No, really, tell me, I honestly don't know.
Lou: Chief, no.
Ralph: Even I knew that!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I'm, I'm not good...


"The Simpsons: Poppa's Got a Brand New Badge (#13.22)" (2002)
Homer: That's it. This job is too dangerous. I'm giving this badge to the first person I see.
Chief Wiggum: That's funny because this is how I got this job the first time.
Marge: Thank you, chief for saving my husband's life.
Chief Wiggum: I didn't do anything. They took my gun and my badge. They would have gotten my squad car too if I hadn't hidden it under some hay.
Homer: Then who shot all of the gangsters?
[Maggie looks out of the window and cocks her gun and hides it under her crib mattress]
Homer: It's time to go check on Maggie.
Marge: Isn't she sweet? She's probably thinking of the day that she shot Mr Burns.
Homer: Yeah.


"The Simpsons: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge (#11.21)" (2000)
Marge: I thought you said the law was powerless.
Chief Wiggum: Powerless to *help* you, not punish you.


"The Simpsons: So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show (#4.18)" (1993)
Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.
Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code 8.
Lou: [on the radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.


"The Simpsons: Bart of Darkness (#6.1)" (1994)
[Homer and Marge go skinny dipping and Wiggum's helicopter flies overhead. They scream]
Chief Wiggum: Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Oh, come on! Continue! Come on! Aw... all right, Lou, open fire.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror V (#6.6)" (1994)
Marge: [on radio] Husband on murderous rampage. Send help. Over.
Chief Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little bit.


"The Simpsons: A Star Is Burns (#6.18)" (1995)
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: [while Snake is pointing a rifle at him] Help! Help! Police!
Chief Wiggum: [his tie is caught in the hot dog roller] Hey, I got problems of my own right now! Oh boy, this is going to get worse before it gets better.


"The Simpsons: Lisa the Iconoclast (#7.16)" (1996)
Mayor Quimby: Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.
Ned Flanders: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye. I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day.
Homer: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders. Gimme that.
[Grabs the bell from him]
Homer: Hear ye. Hear ye. Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world.
Chief Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous.
Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance.


"The Simpsons: Worst Episode Ever (#12.11)" (2001)
[Bart and Milhouse are watching a secret tape of police informants]
Ned Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch.
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
Ned Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor.
Bart: It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.


"The Simpsons: E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) (#11.5)" (1999)
Homer: [Offering Tomacco] Try some, won't you?
Chief Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralpie; the stranger is offering you a treat!
Ralph: [Ralphie tries some, and spits it back out] Oh, Daddy! It tastes like Grandma!
Chief Wiggum: [Tries some, and spits it out] Holy Moses! It DOES taste like Grandma!
Ralph: I want more!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, me too!
[Ralphie starts eating more]
Chief Wiggum: Should we take a bushel or a peck, or - just give it to me!
[Eats]
Homer: [Chuckles]


"The Simpsons: Tales from the Public Domain (#13.14)" (2002)
[after being stabbed by Hamlet]
Chief Wiggum: I hide behind curtains because I have a fear of getting stabbed.


"The Simpsons: A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love (#13.4)" (2001)
Chief Wiggum: We'll track down Simpson with your vehicles anti-theft system.
Anti-theft System: Car gone Car gone!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, we know that. Where has it gone to?
Anti-theft System: Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!


"The Simpsons: Dog of Death (#3.19)" (1992)
Chief Wiggum: [watching lottery drawing, phone rings] No... sorry, you have the wrong number, this is 912.


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Date with Density (#8.7)" (1996)
Chief Wiggum: See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror IV (#5.5)" (1993)
Marge Simpson: [Homer's Head is turned into a huge donut, and is eating it] Homer, stop picking at it.
Homer Simpson: But, I'm so sweet and tasty.
[Looks at his watch]
Homer Simpson: Well, time to go to work.
Lisa Simpson: [Getting in Homer's way] No dad. I wouln't go outside if I were you.
Chief Wiggum: [With the rest of Springfield's police force waiting outside of the Simpson's home with their coffee mugs] Don't worry, boys, he's gotta come outta there sometime.


"The Simpsons: Black Widower (#3.21)" (1992)
Sideshow Bob: But wait. If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'll field that one.
[flashback: Wiggum, Lou, Eddie, and Homer are all lighting up cigars outside the hotel room]
Chief Wiggum: [voice-over] Me and the boys were all celebrating a job well done, when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene...
[explosion]
Chief Wiggum: Oh, right! The gas.


"The Simpsons: Much Apu About Nothing (#7.23)" (1996)
Chief Wiggum: Book 'em, Lou.
[points to the bear]
Chief Wiggum: One count of being a bear.
[points to Barney]
Chief Wiggum: And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.


"The Simpsons: Homer the Vigilante (#5.11)" (1994)
[looking at a board marking the cat burglar's victimized houses]
Chief Wiggum: What do you think of this, boys?
Eddie: Well, it doesn't look like anything, but if you move these two here, and this one here...
Chief Wiggum: It almost looks like an arrow.
Lou: And it's pointing right at this police station.
Chief Wiggum: Let's get out of here!
[everyone runs]


"The Simpsons: Springfield Up (#18.13)" (2007)
Chief Wiggum: Here we are in now times. As you can see, I've gotten everything I ever wanted.
Officer Lou: Except pants that fit.
Chief Wiggum: I told you can be in this documentary as long as you don't make fun of me!
Officer Lou: I'm not making fun of you, I'm making fun of your pants!
Chief Wiggum: How would you like it if I made fun of your pants?
Officer Lou: Go ahead.
Chief Wiggum: Well they're a little, um... uh... oh, they're perfect!


"The Simpsons: Rednecks and Broomsticks (#21.7)" (2009)
Chief Wiggum: [after putting the Wiccans in the back of the squad car] I feel kinda sorry for them. Lou, toss them a Judy Blume novel.
Lou: All we got is Wifey.
Chief Wiggum: Really, nothing with kids in it? Damn budget cuts.


"The Simpsons: Duffless (#4.16)" (1993)
Chief Wiggum: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god. He's dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, wait, I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up.
[a woman walks in]
Woman: My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband is DWI?
Chief Wiggum: Uh... why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch.


"The Simpsons: Das Bus (#9.14)" (1998)
Chief Wiggum: Good luck, Ralphy. If your nose starts bleeding, it means you're picking it too much. Or not enough.


The Simpsons: Road Rage (2001) (VG)
Chief Wiggum: [if he wants to go to Snake's Apartment] Can you take me to this address? I have to deliver a warrant.


"The Simpsons: Brawl in the Family (#13.7)" (2002)
Lou: Looks like another case of Monopoly related violence, chief.
Wiggum: How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?


"The Simpsons: Bart Sells His Soul (#7.4)" (1995)
Chief Wiggum: [sees a crazy hobo running around screaming] Ralphie, you stay here in the car while daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict.
[Goes outside]
Derelict: Garalmglkaklafja!
Chief Wiggum: [stands there looking] All right all right slow down, slow down!
Derelict: GARLKJALKAGJALGKAJLGKJLAGLKAJAAGKA!
Chief Wiggum: Slow down now, come on.


"The Simpsons: Lisa on Ice (#6.8)" (1994)
Chief Wiggum: [Bart's team has won the hockey game] YES! We won! We wo-o-o-n! Um, unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, we won't be going out for pizza.


"The Simpsons: Homer's Triple Bypass (#4.11)" (1992)
Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
Homer: I can't wait until they throw his hatless butt in jail.


"The Simpsons: Marge Simpson in 'Screaming Yellow Honkers' (#10.15)" (1999)
Chief Wiggum: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.
Marge: That's your hat.
Lou: She's good, chief.


"The Simpsons: The Great Simpsina (#22.18)" (2011)
Lou: Yeah, that's just what you need, Chief, another stomach.
Chief Wiggam: Shut up.


"The Simpsons: Saddlesore Galactica (#11.13)" (2000)
Chief Wiggum: [after letting a criminal suspect drive away] I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.


"The Simpsons: Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming (#7.9)" (1995)
Chief Wiggum: All right, where's Sideshow Bob and that guy who uh, eats people and takes their faces?
Prisoner: I'm right here, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: OK, then. Where's Sideshow Bob?
Prisoner: Eh, he ran off.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, great. Well, if anyone asks, I uh, beat him to death.


"The Simpsons: Homer Alone (#3.15)" (1992)
Chief Wiggum: Don't you worry, Mr. Mayor. This little lady will be cracking rocks by the end of the week.
Mayor Quimby: Wiggum, you glorified night watchman, let her go!
Chief Wiggum: But... but she broke the law.
Mayor Quimby: Thanks for the civics lesson. Now listen: if Marge Simpson goes to jail, I can kiss the chick vote goodbye. And if I go down, you're gonna break my fall!
Chief Wiggum: Word to the wise, Quimby: don't write checks your butt can't cash.
Mayor Quimby: Hear me loud and clear, Wiggum: you bite me, I'll bite back!
Chief Wiggum: You talk the talk, Quimby, but do you walk the walk?


"The Simpsons: Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part 1 (#6.25)" (1995)
[last lines of the episode as the Springfieldians gather to see Mr. Burns laid out on the sundial]
Patty Bouvier: Mr. Burns has been shot.
Chief Wiggum: Just a minute! This isn't Mr. Burns at all! It's a mask!
[Wiggum pulls on Burns' face]
Chief Wiggum: Wait, it is Burns.
[chuckles]
Chief Wiggum: His wrinkly skin looks like a mask.
Marge Simpson: I don't think we'll ever know who did this. Everyone in town is a suspect.
[the camera pans across the Springfieldians and stops on Dr. Hibbert, who chuckles]
Doctor Hibbert: Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?
[Hibbert points to the camera which pulls back to reveal that he's pointing to Wiggum]
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?
[to be continued... ]


"The Simpsons: Wild Barts Can't Be Broken (#10.11)" (1999)
Chief Wiggum: Let this be a lesson to you - kids never learn.


"The Simpsons: Krusty Gets Kancelled (#4.22)" (1993)
[the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk into Moe's bar in their underwear]
Anthony Kiedis: What's up, Moe.
Flea: HEY MOE!
Moe Szyslak: Hey! You guys can't come in here dressed like that!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: [In his underwear] Get with the time, Moe.
Chief Wiggum: [In his underwear] Yeah, I say if it feels good, do it.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Alright.
[stretches Wiggum's underwear and snaps him with them - laughs histerically]
Chief Wiggum: Don't snap my undies.


"The Simpsons: We're on the Road to D'owhere (#17.11)" (2006)
Chief Wiggum: [arresting Marge for selling prescription drugs] Save it, Ma Peddle.
Lou: Ma Peddle?
Chief Wiggum: It's a reference to Ma Kettle, a movie character from the 1940s.
Lou: Chief, if you have to explain it, it's not very good.


"The Simpsons: Moe Baby Blues (#14.22)" (2003)
Chief Wiggum: Well, boys, it looks like we solved the mystery of the missing ham.
Marge: You guys are the world's worst cops!
Chief Wiggum: No, now that I'm off-duty, I'm the world's worst soccer coach.


"The Simpsons: The Lastest Gun in the West (#13.12)" (2002)
Chief Wiggum: Slink away boys, slink away.


"The Simpsons: Mother Simpson (#7.8)" (1995)
Chief Wiggum: [reading a tombstone, talks into his "radio"] Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown.
Joe Friday: That's Homer J Simpson, chief. You're reading it upside down.
Chief Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.
Joe Friday: Uh, chief, you're talking into your wallet.
[Chief Wiggum's wallet flips open]


"The Simpsons: O Brother, Where Bart Thou? (#21.8)" (2009)
Charlie: [hears rustling in the bushes] It's the Boogieman!
Bart Simpson: There is no such thing as the Boogieman.
Chief Wiggum: [Comes out of bushes] Boogie, boogie, boogie!


"The Simpsons: Lisa's Wedding (#6.19)" (1995)
Chief Wiggum: Behold, the rarest of the rare... the mythological two-headed hound, born with only one head! And here, out of the mists of history... the legendary Esquilax. A horse with the head of a rabbit. And the body... of a rabbit!


"The Simpsons: Bart Gets an Elephant (#5.17)" (1994)
[phone rings]
Chief Wiggum: Heh, yeah, right, lady: An elephant ran through your front yard. Okay.
[rings again]
Chief Wiggum: Wiggum... Yeah, right, mister, mm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.
[rings again]
Chief Wiggum: Wiggum... Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson.


"The Simpsons: Radioactive Man (#7.2)" (1995)
[Cheif Wiggum releases some attack dogs to look for Milhouse]
Kirk Van Houten: Will they just find him... or will they find him and kill him?
Chief Wiggum: They'll find him, and, um... um...
Kirk Van Houten: Um, excuse me, you didn't answer my question. You just trailed off.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I did, didn't I?


"The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXI (#22.4)" (2010)
Lou: [facing a giant chess knight piece] Chief, I don't like the looks of that knight.
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, Lou. We're two spaces away and one to the right.
[the chess knight lands on Chief Wiggum]
Chief Wiggum: I guess it's game, set, match for me.
Lou: I think you mean check and mate, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: I just got crused by a giant horse, Lou. Can you cut me a break?


"The Simpsons: A Midsummer's Nice Dream (#22.16)" (2011)
Chief Wiggum: Men, I want these brownies confiscated.
Lou: There are no drugs on these brownies.
Chief Wiggum: I said confiscate them! And while you're at it, confiscate me a T-shirt, XXXL
Lou: I thought XXL was a wake-up call for you.
Chief Wiggum: That was for pants.


"The Simpsons: American History X-cellent (#21.17)" (2010)
Chief Wiggum: Well, Mr. Burns, care to explain how this miracle of measure and harmony came into your possession?
Mr. Burns: Well, I... You see... Is it a crime to enjoy nice things, and then steal them from a public museum, where any gum-chewing monkey in a Tufts University jacket can come and gawk at them? I think not!


"The Simpsons: The Blunder Years (#13.5)" (2001)
Mr. Burns: What are you doing in my corpse hatch?
Chief Wiggum: Mr. Burns, you're under arrest for murder.
Mr. Burns: Uh, did I say corpse hatch? I meant innocence tube.


"The Simpsons: Bart Carny (#9.12)" (1998)
Chief Wiggum: Uh, I hate to interrupt your fun boys, but I got a few complaints that your game is crooked.
Homer: [laughs] And how.
Chief Wiggum: Gee, I'd hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, uh, understanding here.
[holds out his hand]
Homer: [monotone] I understand.
Bart: Um, hey, Dad, I... I think he wants...
Homer: Not right now, Son. Daddy's talking to a policeman.
Chief Wiggum: Uh, let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend Bill.
[glances down at the cash box]
Chief Wiggum: Have you seen any Bills around here?
Homer: No.
[points to Bart]
Homer: He's Bart.
Chief Wiggum: [groans] Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay?
Homer: Okay.
Chief Wiggum: The guy I'm really looking for, wink,
[winks]
Chief Wiggum: is Mr. Bribe, wink, wink.
[winks twice]
Homer: It's a ring toss game.
Chief Wiggum: All right, that's it. I'm shutting this game down.


"The Simpsons: The Springfield Files (#8.10)" (1997)
Chief Wiggum: Your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, um, Simpson. Let me just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
Homer: Fine. You don't have to humiliate me.
[leaves, a man enters carrying a blowtorch]
Man: I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again.
Chief Wiggum: Right. Let me just type that up on my invisible typewriter.


"The Simpsons: A Fish Called Selma (#7.19)" (1996)
Chief Wiggum: [after pulling over Troy McClure] I'll tear this ticket up, but I'm, um, still going to have to ask you for a bribe.


"The Simpsons: Love, Springfieldian Style (#19.12)" (2008)
Chief Wiggum: I found that offensive, and I'm a fat, Southern sheriff.