Agent Zed
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Quotes for
Agent Zed (Character)
from Men in Black (1997)

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Men in Black (1997)
Zed: We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.

[to candidates rejected as MIB agents]
Zed: Gentlemen, congratulations. You're everything we've come to expect from years of government training. Now please step this way, as we provide you with our final test: an eye exam...
[a series of flashes occur]

Zed: You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MiB special services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You're above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them." We're "they." We are the Men in Black.

Jay: Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here?
Zed: The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode.

Zed: Kay, give the kid a weapon.
[Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle]
Kay: A Series Four De-atomizer.
Jay: That's what I'm talkin' about.
Kay: [picks up a very tiny gun and gives it to Jay] Noisy Cricket.
Jay: [stares the weapon in disgust] Hey, Kay, nah, nah. Come on, man, you-you get a Series Four De-atomizer and I-I get a little - little midgy cricket?
Kay: [notices Jay is pointing the gun in his direction] WHOA! kid...
[grabs the arm Jay is holding the weapon with and points it away from him]
Jay: Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing...!

Zed: Edwards. Let's put it on.
Edwards: Put what on?
Zed: The last suit you'll ever wear.

James Edwards: Maybe you already answered this, but, why exactly are we here?
Zed: [noticing a recruit raising his hand] Son?
Second Lieutenent Jake Jenson: Second Lieutenant, Jake Jenson. West Point. Graduate with honors. We're here because you are looking for the best of the best of the best, sir!
Zed: [throws Edwards a contemptible glance as Edwards laughs] What's so funny, Edwards?
James Edwards: Boy, Captain America over here! "Best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honors." Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here.

[In a shooting range, confronted with numerous menacing-looking targets, Edwards shoots a cardboard little girl]
Zed: May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
James Edwards: Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.
Zed: How'd you come to that conclusion?
James Edwards: Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old, those books are WAY too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it.
James Edwards: Or do I owe her an apology?
James Edwards: That's a good shot though...

Kay: Z, get a containment unit to come down to the city morgue...
Zed: Containment will be of little point, old friend. Most of the aliens and ships are gone already. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets the cheque...
[sees the worms are leaving]
Zed: You miserable little ingrates!

"Men in Black: The Series: The Alpha Syndrome (#1.4)" (1997)
[last lines]
Jay: [to Z] I got the K part, I got the Alpha part... what was your part in all this?
Zed: Never, ever ask me about my past. Oh, by the way, kid... thanks for sticking with K. It means a lot to him.
Jay: Course I'm sticking with K! You know he'd never admit it, but he needs me.

Zed: A Quick-Clone!... K, where are you?

Zed: All Sentillians on Earth are accounted for... except one.

Men in Black II (2002)
Zed: You didn't neuralize another one?
Agent J: What's that supposed to mean? Okay, you can't count A, and L really wanted to go back to that morgue...

Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed, the Drolecks are gone and the treaty is signed.
Zed: Good work!
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed, what about that position you promised me in Men In Black?
Zed: Still working on the Alien Affirmative Action Program. I'll keep you posted.
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Wait a minute! That's not what you promised me!
Zed: You're breaking up, can't hear you.
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed! Hello? Zed?
Zed: I'll call you back...
[starts walking away]
Undercover alien intelligence officer: I could be Agent M!

Kevin Brown/K: How ya doing?
Agent J: Good.
Kevin Brown/K: Listen, we've all been there. The girl is gone and it hurts. Wanna talk about it?
Agent J: No.
Kevin Brown/K: I can help.
Agent J: No.
Zed: [walks into the room] Still sulking?
Kevin Brown/K: [at the same time as J] Yeah.
Agent J: [at the same time as K] No.
Zed: You miss her, it happens to all of us. There was this young, hot thing I knew once. When our bodies were intwined, in the positions of the Kamasutra...
Agent J: Zed!
[Grins and chuckles]
Agent J: Come on, man! Damn!
Frank the Pug: [walks in] I'll tell you about dames. They say they wanna be scratched behind the ears, but what they REALLY want is...
Agent J: Hey! Come on...
Frank the Pug: What? Still sitting shiva? Want my advice?
Agent J: No.
[to Frank]
Agent J: No advice...
Agent J: [to K] ... no talking...